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Closing notices.

October 7, 2011

What’s the difference these days between A-Rod and his ex-girlfriend Madonna? Madonna will actually be performing in the postseason.

(for the record, 2-18 in the ALDS, 0-4 in game five.)

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Now that the Yankees are eliminated, it’s ESPN who wants the theme song “Are you ready for some football.

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In their 3-2 loss to the Tigers, the Yankees certainly had chances. New York had runners on base in 7 innings, but went 2 for 9 with runners in scoring position, and stranded 10. Yes, the Yankees looked like World Champions, but the World Champions they looked like were the 2011 version of the SF Giants.

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This week the fat man bowed out of the Presidential race, and the fat lady sang at Yankee Stadium.

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Herman Cain on the unemployed: “If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself!” I’m amazed he didn’t add “Godfathers Pizza is hiring for minimum wage plus tips.”
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So in the end, what was the difference between the Red Sox and the Yankees? About a week.

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Tigers pitchers Doug Fister and Joaquin Benoit have this torture concept down so well they’ve just been made honorary SF Giants.

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The Miami Dolphins are already 0-4, and now QB Chad Henne’s separated shoulder will keep him out for the year. Looks like there’s a good chance Andrew Luck will be taking HIS talents to South Beach.

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A Texas man posted something about the anniversary of his mother’s death on facebook, and his estranged wife didn’t hit the “like” button. So the two got in a fight and he was arrested for battery. Wonder before they hauled him off if the guy had time to change his relationship status to “It’s VERY complicated.”

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Monday Night Football said they dismissed Hank Williams Jr, Williams says it was “MY” decision. In any case he and his song are gone. Standby soon for the singer’s next gig – “Are you ready for some FOX News?”

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From Marc Ragovin: Hank Williams, Jr. is in hot water for comparing President Obama to Adolph Hitler, or, as he is knowns amongst NFL players, Roger Goodell.

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Apparently one of the Boise State football players who was suspended this season received a car and money to cover insurance. Maybe it’s a good thing that the NCAA seems to be losing the battle to clean up college football. If they ever do it could cause further damage to the U.S. auto industry.
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Yet another example of why there is no satire – The Westboro Baptist Church has already announced plans to protest Steve Jobs’s funeral. They sent the message out via Twitter for iPhone.

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The Westboro Baptist people, who intend to picket Steve Jobs’ funeral for his “sins,” give Christians a bad name. Heck, they give people a bad name.

Added my friend Alex Kaseberg “They give rabid, puppy-eating hyenas a bad name.”

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Whatever the outcome of the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor, one thing seems pretty certain – it’s amazing Jackson lived as long as he did.

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Bank of America’s CEO Brian Moynihan, defended his bank’s new $5 fee on debit cards on Wednesday, saying the bank has a “right to make a profit.” What he didn’t say, however, is that when they don’t make a profit, they also reserve the right to ask taxpayers for a bailout.

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Starbucks has raised the price of their small brewed coffee from $1.50 to $1.65. This has resulted in two different reactions: One, annoyance from plain coffee drinkers over a 10 percent increase, two, shock from most Starbucks customers that ANYTHING on the menu is under $2.

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Rough night

October 5, 2011

For comedy writers. The Yankees avoided choking and Chris Christie announced he will not run for President.

But ever onward.

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Watching the Yankees win big is like watching Microsoft put another moderately funded start-up out of business.

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This afternoon the Tampa Bay Rays became the first team eliminated with the baseball playoffs. When asked their reaction, most sports fans in Tampa responded “We have a baseball team?”

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MLB fined St. Louis manager Tony La Russa for complaining on television about “two different strike zones” in Sunday’s game. But Yankees manager Joe Girardi also complained publicly about the strike zone for Sabathia last night. Well, not sure about two different strike zones, but where the Yankees are concerned MLB has two different rule books.

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New drugs for PTSD have the effect in some cases of wiping out memories. Although some scientists worry that such medications could also change people’s biographies and thus identities. Of course, there is a way for some men to take the drugs and still have total recall with details available – it’s called a wife.

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Note for women who are hoping to get a new iPhone 5 or 4s for Christmas. Most of the guys who will be first in line to get one are single.

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A Michigan high school girl , Brianna Amat, was named homecoming queen, and then that same evening went out and kicked the winning field goal for her school. She was immediately offered a tryout with the Philadelphia Eagles.

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So the NBA has now cancelled the pre-season, and is threatening to cancel the regular season. Which means that fans of professional basketball will be stuck watching John Calipari coach at Kentucky.

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Ralph Nader spoke at UC Berkeley today saying major universities should eliminate athletic scholarships or risk losing their “academic luster.” Of course, in the SEC their idea of “academic luster” means shiny bowl championship rings.
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Hank Williams Jr. is apologizing for comparing President Obama to Hitler. But the singer’s’ views are so conservative, you have to wonder, was he apologizing to fans of Obama or fans of Hitler?

Now for the anti-Hank Williams Jr.: Garth Brooks’ lyrics to “We shall be free: “When the last thing we notice is the color of skin. And the first thing we look for is the beauty within. When the skies and the oceans are clean again. We shall be free.” “When we’re free to love anyone we choose. When this world’s big enough for all different views…. We shall be free.” (Google the whole song if you like country music at all.)

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Today, October 4, United Airlines sent out a message to their frequent fliers saying that it was “Time to book Thanksgiving travel.” Although of course discount fares for peak days were sold out a couple months ago. Means their marketing department is as on time as many of their planes.

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Chris Christie says “Now is not my time.” And says unequivocally that he will not run for President in 2012. This might be the strongest sign yet that despite his poll numbers, Barack Obama is poised to win re-election.

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The Almighty works in strange and magical ways. LSU QB Jordan Jefferson, speaking out for the first time since his suspension said “God puts people in certain situations. I don’t regret anything. Everything happened for a reason. I’ve learned a lot from this.” Hmm, missed the part in the Bible where God puts people in bar fights.

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From Bill Littlejohn: A video is making the rounds in which a Cowboys fan and his son take three attempts to burn a Tony Romo jersey.In the wake of this, Cleveland Cavaliers fans have announced an instructional video”

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Monday mourning quarterbacking….

October 3, 2011

The Eagles blew a big second half lead against the 49ers, the Phillies blew a 4-0 lead against the Cardinals. Well, at least for one day no one can say that Philadelphia fans didn’t have plenty to boo about.

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Lions 34-Cowboys 30, Tigers 5-Yankees 3. Best day for Detroit in recent memory not involving a government bailout.

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And let’s see, the Lions won, the Tigers won, and Michael Vick lost. Not a bad afternoon for the cat lobby.

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Song for Monday on Philadelphia radio “Cry like an Eagle?”

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From Gary. M. “With the stock market on a continuous death drop, I’ve renamed my retirement fund the Boston Dead Stocks.”

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But who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Lions 34, Cowboys 30. My guess is that in 49 of 50 states, people are reacting to this news with smirks, smiles or outright laughter. (And maybe in Austin too.)

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For SF Giants fans going through Brian Wilson “torture” withdrawal, may I suggest watching a replay of the Tigers’ Jose Valverde’s ninth inning performance against the Yankees. All that was missing was the beard.

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Dick Cheney said Sunday “I think the decision that’s been made with respect to allowing gays to serve openly in the military is a good one.” Well, good for him. Shame considering that Cheney feels this way about “DADT” that he was never in a position of power with the ability to do something about it.

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John McCain says he “admires” N.J. Governor Chris Christie, but as far as entering the Presidential race, he warned that “the swimming pool looks a lot better until you jump right in.” Translation, just wait they remember you support civil unions, have been at times supportive of illegal immigrants, and actually believe in science.

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Interesting, WordPress advises bloggers what terms people who found your blog were searching for. The number one, two and three searches Sunday all related to the Red Sox choking. Well, Red Sox fans, maybe next week we can add “Yankees choke jokes” to the list.

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Interesting also watching the Tigers-Yankees on TNT Sunday. Many fans, including SF Giants fans believe the national media is prejudiced against their team. Beginning to think it’s actually quite simple, the media is prejudiced against anyone who isn’t the Yankees.

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Actual serious comment for a change:

Barack Obama at the Human Rights Campaign Dinner: “We don’t believe in being silent when an American soldier is booed… You want to be commander in chief? You can start by standing up for the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States, even when it’s not politically convenient.” Nice to see lately that the President seems to have rediscovered his cajones

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Start spreading the fabulous news.

September 20, 2011

In honor of the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” at today at midnight, two quotes from a noted commie-pinko liberal: “Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar.” And “You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.” (Yep, Barry Goldwater.)

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Mariano Rivera got his 602th save today – in front of 40,045, the smallest crowd of the year at Yankee Stadium. Wonder if that’s because of President Obama’s proposed tax hikes on millionaires – maybe a lot of New Yorkers figured they couldn’t afford seats anymore.

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Darn shame for San Francisco Giants fans that in their longshot quest for a playoff spot the team isn’t chasing the Red Sox.

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This Netflix price hike is looking like the smartest business decision since “New Coke.”

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An 21 year old man in Lincoln, Nebraska somehow got drunk enough to mistake a police station for a casino. He wandered in and asked for blackjack chips. When a staffer sent him away, the man returned a few minutes later and asked again. (.273, in case you wondered.) So the cops threw him in a detox cell.

Talk about double or nothing. Even Mel Gibson is thinking “How drunk do you have to be to act that stupid?”

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Signs of Autumn: Falling leaves, falling Red Sox, falling Braves……

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‎49ers coach Jim Harbaugh may be regretting his decision not to accept a Dallas penalty that would have erased a field goal but given the team the chance to build up their lead with a potential touchdown. (The Niners would have had first and 10 at the Cowboys 22.) Have to wonder, would Harbaugh’s decision have been different if he were coaching against Pete Carroll?

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The ACC, now home to Pitt and Syracuse, has a reputation of being one of the better conferences academically. And for a starter example, they’re smart enough not to put a number like 10 or 12 or 8 in their title that has to be changed all the time.

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Michele Bachmann is still defending her comments about the danger of the HPV vaccine, saying on CNN tonight “I wasn’t speaking as a doctor. I wasn’t speaking as a scientist…” Amazed she didn’t add: “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.”

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There are rumors that Bachmann’s campaign may not last that much longer. Which is bad news on the jobs front – for comedy writers.

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President Obama said today – “It’s not class warfare, it’s math.” Wonder how long it will take for Rick Perry to respond “Math is a theory.”

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But okay, closing with a commie-pinko thought. I get that many millionaires want to hold onto every penny they can. But it is truly amazing to me that the GOP so has many lower and middle class folks screaming class warfare when THEY are the class currently getting scr*wed.

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Rising and falling.

September 19, 2011

Ohio State fell out of the top 25 in the AP college football rankings for the first time since 2004. Of course, with the NCAA investigation the Buckeyes had probably already fallen out of the top 25 as far as player pay scale.

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The Boston Red Sox, losers of 11 of their last 14, are now only two games up in the Wild Card race over Tampa Bay. If the Sox hang on, they might become the first MLB team to make the playoffs without showing up for most of April and September.

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Cam Newton threw for over 400 yards in each of his first two NFL games. When asked how he seemed so relaxed, Cam allegedly responded “I just pretended I was facing SEC investigators..”

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Michael Vick suffered a neck injury and left the Eagles-Falcons game Sunday in the third quarter. Wonder if any Atlanta editor was tempted to use the headline “Dog-gone?”

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Jane Lynch, who hosted the Emmys, is unabashedly out of the closet, but doesn’t seem to be the target of much conservative criticism. Is it that America’s actually getting less homophobic? Or are would-be critics just afraid of her?

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Alec Baldwin asked that his short skit be totally cut from the Emmys show when Fox nixed a joke about Rupert Murdoch and News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal. Fox’s response was that the network had been carefully considering the decision since they heard Baldwin discussing the line on the phone last week.

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Congratulations to Mariano Rivera who notched his record-tying 601st save yesterday for the Yankees. While Rivera is unquestionably a good closer, there has been some luck involved – if he played for the Royals or Pirates, Mariano might not have had 601 potential wins to save.

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Dominique Strauss-Kahn said he is innocent of any “violence or aggression” regarding his tryst with the maid in New York, but acknowledged a “moral weakness.”

I wouldn’t go THAT far, responded Bill Clinton.

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Some claim it would take a miracle for President Obama to be re-elected. But really, is that any more unlikely than this? The Washington Redskins and Rex Grossman, 2 and 0.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry is taking some flack for having billed state taxpayers $294,000 for his travel security. But in Perry’s defense, at least half of that was to keep his hair in place.

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Lindsey Graham claims that President Obama’s plan to have a minimum tax on millionaires is “class warfare.” Not that it’s likely to happen but some part of me would love to hear Obama respond “Maybe, but so was storming the Bastille.”

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Wonder if the New York Yankees will be the first sports team to oppose Obama’s tax hike on millionaires. Not that the team is worried about their players, but the Yankees are concerned the hike will affect their entire season ticket base.

Although that’s probably an overstatement. Even most people who make over $1 million a year can’t afford Yankees season tickets.

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Republicans are already denouncing President Obama’s minimum tax for millionaires as “Class Warfare.” Well, if true, this might be the first type of warfare the GOP doesn’t support.

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Congrats to Kyle Chandler. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” And if you’ve never heard that phrase before, watch “Friday Night Lights” on DVD. One of those rare television shows that never felt like you were putting your brain (or heart) on hold to watch.

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College openers – are you ready for some semi-pro football?

September 1, 2011

Although the schools are rivals, Florida State coach is wishing Miami coach Jimbo Fisher “nothing but the best” in dealing with their current scandal. Makes sense, if the Hurricanes get away with it, or find and exploit a loophole to minimize their punishment, the Seminoles can use the case in future as precedent.

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At this point despite overwhelming allegations of illegal benefits given to players, so far the NCAA is only slapping Miami on the wrist. And Pete Carroll is thinking, “Had they only come to this mindset sooner, I could have stayed at USC for a few more years.”

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So now the Big 12 has 9 teams and the Big 10 has 12. And we wonder why college football players aren’t good at math.

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Somehow I think I missed the page in the official MLB rulebook where it states all Yankees-Red Sox games MUST go at least four hours. Even Joe Biden says “these teams go on FOREVER.”

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And regarding those increasingly long Red Sox-Yankees matchups, we need to remember, with commercials and other television requirements, playoff games take even longer.

Should the two teams meet in the ALCS, well suffice it to say the game time might be longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

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Stephen Strasburg will return to the Nationals to start on Sept. 6. Washington was considering giving him one more rehab start in the minors, and then figured “We’re playing the Dodgers. Same difference.”

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San Francisco designated Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada for assignment. Which means both players will contribute about as much in September for the Giants as they have all year.

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After the SF Giants released two pieces of deadwood (Tejada and Rowand) Wednesday morning, they hit two home runs in that afternoon’s game. Can they release a few more and get more homers?

Inspired by a comment from my friend Neil Berliner: Deja vu all over again. This time it’s an iPhone 5 but once again an Apple employee has lost a prototype device in a bar. Unbelievable. Who’d a thunk two Apple employees knew where to find a bar? (Yeah, I know, there’s an app for that.

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I’m still not getting this. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has talked in the past of seceding from the Union. And Perry still believes in states rights, and says he is only running for President because God wants him to. But considering the God the Governor believes in, why didn’t HE tell Rick to secede and run for President of Texas?

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In honor of the U.S. Open and to use more positive terminology, the SF Giants have asked announcers not to say in future that the team is being shutout. Instead they should refer to the score as, for example 2 – love. (Or in Monday night’s case “7 – love.)

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Condoleeza Rice is the latest to dispute Dick Cheney’s memoir. Rice is denying that she “tearfully admitted” that Cheney was right in saying W. shouldn’t have apologized for claiming that Iraq was searching for uranium for nuclear arms. Well, the claim was pretty unbelievable anyway. Not that Condi cried, but that she would have said anyone else was right about anything.

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Irene, we hardly knew ye.

August 29, 2011

Open note to anyone who stumbled upon this blog looking for Hurricane Irene jokes. I live in Northern California (hence the “Left Coast”) And normally I write jokes primarily about sports, politics, but also current events and some pop culture craziness. Feel free to stop by again anytime. Janice Hough.

Now back to the jokes.

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First reports on Hurricane Irene in New York. An expensive mess, but underwhelming considering its original potential. Sort of like the 2011 Mets.

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As Hurricane Irene slammed into New England, really surprised not to hear any GOP candidates chastising President Obama for not being brave enough to have stayed in Martha’s Vineyard.

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From CNN.com “About 2,500 people who defied mandatory evacuation orders were stranded on Hatteras Island (N.C.) after pounding surf washed over dunes, covering roads with water and sand. The flooding cut off the island from the mainland.” I have some sympathy for these idiots. But not very much.

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If the country wants to avoid future damage, they should name the next potential big storm “Hurricane Giants.” That way it won’t hit anybody.

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Whatever you say about the “Boys from the Bronx.” they are a big attendance draw. And the Baltimore Orioles, who lost a big crowd for a game this weekend due to Hurricane Irene, have rescheduled a game with the Yankees to Sept. 8. NY has not yet agreed, possibly in hopes of never having to play the game. Apparently the Orioles have forgotten a cardinal MLB rule – “It’s the Yankees world, we just live in it.”

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Regarding that 22-9 victory by the New York Yankees last week against the Oakland As, my friend Bill Littlejohn commented: “The last time the Yankees had three grand slams in one day: “The morning David Wells ate breakfast at Denny’s.”

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An apparently drunk Russian woman started performing erotic dances on a British Midland flight from Moscow to London last Friday. The plane returned to the airport and the passenger was taken to a hospital for observation. In the U.S., airlines would have levied an extra charge for the inflight entertainment.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry, an outspoken critic of the Federal Government, is running to be its leader. Makes about as much sense as having Bristol Palin lead an abstinence movement.

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Dick Cheney said his memoir would cause ‘heads to explode” in Washington. Colin Powell today responded. “My head isn’t exploding. I haven’t noticed any other heads exploding in Washington.” Well, the former V.P. is getting up in years. Maybe Cheney confused his writing abilities with his hunting abilities.

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Former Secretary of State Colin Powell accused former Vice President Dick Cheney of taking “cheap shots” at him and others in his new book. But maybe what Powell should have said is “We all know how accurate Cheney is with his shots.”

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Open note to Bay Area football fans. Our area is known for great food, quirky people, and is used to natural disasters. So for anyone who watched the 49ers and Raiders this weekend looking for less tortuous alternatives, may I suggest temporarily adopting the New Orleans Saints? (Black and gold actually combines half the Raiders and half the 49ers colors.)

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If you are reading this…

August 27, 2011

And you are on the East Coast, congrats. You still have power.

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On his Friday radio show, Glenn Beck called Hurricane Irene a “blessing,” saying it would teach people to be prepared for disasters. New Yorkers angrily responded “We’ve learned that from the Mets bullpen.”

(for AL fans and Yankees haters, substitute “Phil Hughes” or “A.J. Burnett” for the “Mets bullpen”.)

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Hurricane Irene heading towards D.C. this weekend. Washington bracing for female fury like they haven’t seen since Hillary used to catch Bill sneaking in late.

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A-Rod met with MLB officials about the alleged illegal poker games, but said he does not expect to be suspended.

If Rodriguez is caught again while he is still playing for the Yankees, the officials said there will be serious consequences – as in they will be “really really angry.”

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Minka Kelly and Derek Jeter have broken up. Guess the Yankees weren’t alone at this point in being reluctant to sign a long term contract with him.

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Reversing his earlier statement that it was a state’s rights issue, Gov. Rick Perry has signed a pledge to back a federal constitutional amendment against gay marriage. Who’s going to be the first candidate with the cajones to sign a pledge saying he/she won’t sign any more pledges?

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While some are already preparing to blame things like gay marriage for Hurricane Irene heading for the Northeast, I must have missed all the same conservatives talking about the D.C. earthquake’s epicenter being in Eric Cantor’s district.

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Lefty Eric Surkamp starting today for SF Giants. In AA he has about 150 strikeouts to 40 walks. Which sunds like most of the Giants’ hitters.

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And okay, Giants fans, a little background on this new pitcher Eric Surkamp. As a “Flying Squirrel” in AA Richmond he had a 2.02 ERA with 165 ks to 44 walks. And in 14 at bats, he had 4 hits and 3 RBIs. Surkamp’s making his first start tomorrow. But heck, bat him cleanup.

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Goshen College, a small Mennonite school in Indiana, has banned playing the U.S. National Anthem since it is “too violent.” Wonder what would ever happen if a French group visited the school – their anthem contains a line that translates – “March on, march on, their impure blood will water our fields.”

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An arrest warrent has been issued for senior LSU quarterback Jordan Jefferson. The Cincinnati Bengals just asked if it was too late to take him in the supplemental draft.

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LSU QB Jordan Jefferson has been suspended after his arrest on battery charges for allegedly kicking someone in a bar fight. During the investigation police confiscated 49 pairs of shoes from Jefferson’s apartment. 49 pairs of shoes?! At Miami they are thinking “Those LSU boosters are pikers.”

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As the “body count” grows for NCAA players suspended for the year for various offenses – legal and academic – here’s a suggestion: Can Aladdin Bail Bonds sponsor a post season “All-Star Probation” bowl?

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Former Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel said that former Buckeye QB Terrelle Pryor will always have his support. Makes sense, when he played at OSU Pryor worked as hard for his pay as anyone.

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Hair raising?

August 16, 2011

Texas Governor Rick Perry today dismissed comparisons between himself and W. But his response to what the biggest difference between the two was -“I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.” At least he didn’t say “I have better hair.”

(This answer does mean potential fun in the debates if Mitt Romney is involved. Mitt spent a year at Stanford before transferring to BYU, and has a JD and MBA from Harvard.)

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Jim Thome might have made the quietest entry yet into the 600 home run club. Of course, he committed a cardinal sin as far as the media is concerned – Thome never signed a free-agent contract with the Yankees.

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The IRS says a 40 year old woman is facing charges that she obtained obtained fraudulent Social Security numbers for at least 19 non-existent children.

The agency became suspicious when they noticed her last name was neither Gosselin nor Suleman.

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There are reports that the NCAA is investigating University of Miami over claims that more than a dozen former or current football players received gifts and services from a convicted Ponzi schemer. In Miami’s defense, the school may claim they were just trying to prove they were worthy of an offer to join the SEC.

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So let’s see, last Sunday the NASCAR race at Watkins Glen was postponed until Monday, and a number of no-names battled it out for the PGA Golf Tournament title.

Television executives now know what they felt like on Wall Street last week.

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Commie pinko stuff below, including a quote.
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A preacher from a Central Florida mega-church was found dead in his hotel room in New York, and there are newspaper reports that cocaine was found in the room.

This was the same preacher who divorced his wife two years ago over an affair with a stripper.

And the reaction no doubt from some right-wingers who call themselves Christian – at least he wasn’t gay.

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Multi-millionaire GOP candidate Mitt Romney denied that that he was out of touch with the American people. Then when asked what he thought of President Obama’s bus tour, Romney replied, “What’s a bus?”

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Many people have posted the whole op-ed, I just like this one simple quote: “I have worked with investors for 60 years and I have yet to see anyone – not even when capital gains rates were 39.9 percent in 1976-77 – shy away from a sensible investment because of the tax rate on the potential gain.” Warren Buffett.

(I am waiting for the first GOP candidate to go after Buffett on this one.)

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Don’t bet on it.

August 4, 2011

Alex Rodriguez allegedly participated in illegal underground poker games, and MLB sources say he could face suspension. The Yankees are just hoping if so that the suspension is during the playoffs, since A-Rod seldom does much then anyway

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To make this potential scandal worse, Alex Rodriguez had already been warned in 2005 about gambling in underground poker clubs by the Yankees and Bud Selig. Looks like A-Rod may have thought it was double or nothing.

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Being “old-school” used to mean writing on paper. Now it means being addicted to using a keyboard instead of an iPad or iPhone.

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Anheiser-Busch is trying to revive week sales in the U.S. for its flagship brand Budweiser. Wednesday they unveiled a new design for their cans. Uh, how about trying something radical like trying to improve the beer?

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From T.C., with the signing of Plaxico Burress, the NY Giants have officially quashed their “Take No Prisoners” mantra.

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The San Francisco 49ers unveiled a plastic model of their proposed new stadium in Santa Clara. Makes sense, led by Alex Smith, the 49ers may be a pretty good plastic model of a football team.

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Since he was made an emergency starter April 28, Ryan Vogelsong is 9-1 with a league best 2.19 ERA for the San Francisco Giants. Just think, had the Giants given up on Barry Zito earlier, Vogelsong could be the leading candidate for the NL CY Young.

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Notwithstanding today’s 8-1 rout of the D’Backs, the Giants have been worrying their fans lately. Meanwhile, across the bay in Oakland, A’s fans have a response to put San Francisco’s woes in perspective. Four words – “Swept by the Mariners.

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Until today’s 8-1 win the Giants had never scored more than 6 runs in a game at home all year. Gary Morton said went looking for the game on TV this afternoon, saw the score, and figured he had accidentally tuned into the Sci-Fi channel.

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A peacock flew the coop from the Central Park Zoo and hung out on a FIfth Avenue apartment ledge for almost 24 hours. But the bird returned on his own this morning. Yeah, it’s tough to find good long-term subsidized housing in New York.

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Since Congress recessed without approving FAA funding, 4,000 FAA employees and 70,000 airport construction workers have been furloughed. Maybe we could have solved this sooner, along with the debt crisis, if we had put all members of Congress on a jumbo jet on some runway, and not let them off until they had a deal.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he supports states’ right to allow gay marriage — but he also supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. What is it with folks like Perry, Mitt Romney and John Kerry? Their positions don’t last as long as their hair gel.

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In the midst of all the name-calling in D.C., Sarah Palin jumped in saying that if Tea-partiers were “domestic terrorists President Obama wouldn’t have a problem palling around with us. He didn’t have a problem palling around with Bill Ayers back in the day.” “Bill Ayers?” At this point? Does Sarah still have his name in Sharpie on her palm?

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Honeymoon phase:

June 14, 2011

Okay, it’s all sweetness and light now, but how long until the Dallas Mavericks get booed again in Los Angeles?

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Many pundits are using Miami’s defeat in the NBA finals as proof you can’t buy a championship. And somewhere George Steinbrenner is just quietly chuckling….

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The Lebron James school of how to win friends in action again – “All the people that were rooting on me to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life that they had before they woke up today.” Yes, Lebron, but isn’t sports supposed to be an escape? And right now those people are smiling.

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Actually Monday morning, folks in Cleveland woke up with smiles as big as those in Ann Arbor reading about Jim Tressell’s resignation.

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Newt Gingrich’s sister said her brother won’t end his presidential campaign despite the resignation of most of his campaign staff – “He doesn’t give up that easily,” said Candace Gingrich-Jones. No, not on campaigns. Only on his marriages.

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Got to hand it to Lebron James. He may have set a new sports record for tarnishing an image without doing anything illegal and while keeping his pants on.

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Speaking of which, it’s Tuesday morning already. So where are today’s latest Anthony Weiner pictures?

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President Obama is visiting Puerto Rico today. So which Republican candidate will be the first to chastise him for wasting time and money travelling to a foreign country?

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Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest due to jail overcrowding, and this weekend she threw a rooftop party for her friends.  Wow.  Normally to get this kind of “punishment” in Los Angeles you need to kill someone.

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And here I thought he was the smart one in the race: Mitt Romney, flanked by, amongst others, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Michelle Bachman, said “anyone on this stage would be a better president than Barack Obama.”

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President Barack Obama says that if he were in Congressman Anthony Weiner’s position, he would resign. Not that I think Obama’s the type to send semi-naked pictures to women, but resign? Really? If he were in Weiner’s position and Michelle had found out, Barack would be dead.

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Inspired by my funny friend Jim Barach, who pointed out that “Ruler on Ice” is the horse that won the Belmont, not to be confused with Saddam Hussein. Also not to be confused with “Ruler in Water” – Osama bin Laden.

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There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

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Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

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While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

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A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

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An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

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While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

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The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

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Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

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Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

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First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

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One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

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Games of the weak.

May 15, 2011

 Let’s see, who was on the the Fox MLB Game of the Week this Saturday?   And who’s on the ESPN Sunday Night Game of the Week?  Red Sox-Yankees. I am shocked, shocked….

The Giants’ Miguel Tejada, hitting just under .200, and about .150 with runners in scoring position,  had a bat fly out of his hands and land in the stands at Wrigley Field Saturday.  Pretty valuable souvenir.  As the bat was basically unused.

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Pete Rose still wants to get back into baseball. And said “I want to be a manager, that’s the only role.” In fact, he’s so sure he could get a team into the playoffs he’d offer any team who hires him double or nothing.

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Chad Billingsley of the Los Angeles Dodgers threw a one-hitter tonight, and lost. Okay, let’s be honest ,San Francisco Giants fans, the way the bats are going didn’t you think the first one to do that this year would be Madison Bumgarner or Matt Cain?

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The Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Boston Bruins in game one of the NHL Eastern Conference finals. If the Lightning end up in the Stanley Cup finals against the Vancouver Canucks, television stations in the U.S. may wish they were airing something more enticing to the average American viewer, like replays of Major League Soccer.

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Former NHL player and ESPN hockey analyst Matthew Barnaby spent the night in jail and pleaded not guilty Saturday to domestic violence charges stemming from an argument with his estranged wife. Many sports fans were shocked – ESPN has a hockey analyst?

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Great stat from SF Giants beat writer Henry Schulman: The Giants were the first MLB team EVER to sweep a homestand of six games or more without scoring four runs or more in any game.

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A North Carolina man was released from jail after a state lab discovered that an enzyme found in cheese had triggered false drug test results. Look for a whole new crop of professional athletes to appear in “Got Milk?” ads.

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Michael Vick has accepted an invitation from a group of five Philadelphia schools for “at-risk” youth to be their commencement speaker. Assume the Eagles quarterback won’t tell them that it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world out there.

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Newt Gingrich says Obama is a “food-stamp” president. Just wonder, if it were up to Newt with alimony, how many of his former wives would be on food stamps?

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Numbers game.

December 15, 2010

 The New York Yankees say they are not upset about being spurned by Cliff Lee. In fact they are happily going to move on, and just buy the Phillies.

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But regarding the Cliff Lee signing saga, who knew? On the whole he’d rather be in Philadelphia.

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From Gary Morton: The Yankees haven’t been “whupped” this bad by someone named Lee since Bull Run.

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Brett Favre still isn’t ready to rule out coming back for one more year.  But while Vikings’ fans may have had enough, late night talk show hosts and comedy writers are unianimous in saying he shouldn’t give up on his dream.

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Lies, damn lies and statistics example for the day: With the Phillies signing of Cliff Lee, right now the “average” ERA for starting pitchers next year in the state of Philadelphia looks pretty good. Tell that to Pirates fans.

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Looking ahead? The game currently known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just inked a deal with BYU to play in 2013, assuming the Cougars end up at least a .500 team. The New York Yankees are wondering how much it would cost to make the same arrangement with the 2013 World Series.

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But really, BYU is a basic lock for a 2013 bowl, Hawaii, Army and Navy have similar deals, Ohio State is going to New Orleans because the Sugar Bowl organizers knew from a prior bowl their fans would buy tickets and show up….   As far as rewarding the best competitors these bowls are making “Dancing with the Stars” look good.

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New University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he intends for the Gators to start running a pro-style offense. Makes sense with so many U. of F. players ending up in the NFL. Might as well make the transition a little easier, especially as some of them will no doubt be taking a pay cut.

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NY Jets coach Sal Alosi has been fined $25,000 and suspended without pay for that little sideline incident with the Miami Dolphins player. Which makes this one of the most ill-advised and expensive little trips ever, or at least since Tiger Woods decided to race off heaven-knows-where down his own driveway.

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The Redskins cut punter and holder Hunter Smith, whose inability to catch the ball for the extra point cost Washington a chance to tie the game against Tampa Bay last week. Smith was also the team punter, but his net average was 31st in the NFL.

Okay, you punt for the Redskins and you are nearly the worst in the league?   No excuse.  Or at least it’s not a question of lack of practice.

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Regarding ESPN’s new theory of World, or at least National League, domination:

Roy Halliday is 33,  Cole Hamels is 27, Cliff Lee is 32, and Roy Oswald is 33.

Meanwhile the oldest of the S.F. Giants “big four,” Jonathan Sanchez is 28.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are 26, and Madison Burgarner is 21.

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Mitt Romney now says that American workers should just save money to pay for their own unemployment benefits. And presumably these workers should save enough so they can eat their daily cake too.

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Well, we don’t know how John Boehner will do as Speaker of the House, but we sure know he must never have played baseball.

(Since a few friends never saw “League of their Own” –  as Tom Hanks said, “there’s no crying in baseball.”)

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Rings and things.

November 19, 2010

 Tony Parker has three rings with the San Antonio Spurs. Sounds like maybe he should have bought another, for his wife.

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I’m not sure Brett Favre gets it. The last time he went through airport security he told the TSA guy. “Nice picture, can you send it to this girl I know?”

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Felix Hernandez of the lowly Seattle Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award with a major-league leading ERA. 2.27, although only a 13-12 record. Hernandez may never win another Cy Young, but at least his win total should go up when he ends up in pinstripes.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to expand the playoffs to include 10 teams, but not until at least 2012. Which means that next year the Red Sox and Yankees will have to make the playoffs the old-fashioned way, by buying free agents and picking up big names at the trade deadline.

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Derek Jeter is unhappy with the Yankees’ offer of $21 million a year for three years. This after a season in which most sportswriters agree he won the Golden Glove mostly on reputation, and hit all of .270. If New York actually ups the ante to keep Jeter maybe the SF Giants should talk to them about taking Zito.

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Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers told a reporter today that after he retires from the NBA,  he wants to play for an NFL team. Is he nuts? While Artest is a great athlete, there’s no way the guy is ready to play professional football. Which means he’s already received an invitation to try out for the Buffalo Bills.

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TC Chong wonders if there is a Guinness World Record for most times an announcer has been “muted” via the remote on a sports broadcast? If so, he thinks it be Joe Theismann.  I would say Tim McCarver would give him a run for his money.

TC also points out in the “something’s got to give” department,  that the Detroit Lions haven’t won on the road in 25 games, and the Dallas Cowboys haven’t won at all in their new stadium.   And wonders “A 10-10 overtime tie anyone? You heard it here first.”

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Sarah Palin knocked “American Idol” contestants, saying they were “untalented victims of the cult of self-esteem.” Right. As opposed to the well-adjusted, supremely gifted and attractive people who go on “Dancing with the Stars.”

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(this next partially inspired by Palin.)

Ah, delusions. If a man is rich, women will think he is attractive. If a woman is attractive, men will think she is smart.

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Senator Chris Dodd is denying that he sent a tweet that went out to his followers this morning saying “U love torturing me with this sh**.” Not that I think politicians are saints but am inclined to believe him. How many 66 year old men actually know how to send a tweet anyway?

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Many Americans just don’t understand all the hoopla over the engagement between Prince William and Kate Middleton. After all, William will only be King due to an accident of birth. Yet some of those same people were excited to hear that Jeb Bush might run for president.

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George W. Bush was on the tonight show Thursday, and made a joke about not having an exit strategy. Which would have been funnier if that lack hadn’t cost thousands of Americans their lives.

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America’s team?

October 22, 2010

 Are the Texas Rangers really now America’s team? Could be.  Most of them are underpaid by MLB standards,  the team declared bankruptcy earlier in the year, and they are much better off without George W. Bush in charge.

(for all non-hardcore baseball fans, before W. ran for governor and then President, he was the managing partner of the Rangers. And amongst other things, traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.)

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Alex Rodriguez made the last out for New York in the ALCS. Particularly fitting since his salary is more than half that of the whole Rangers team. ($33 million to 55 million.)

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The headline in Saturday’s New York Post says “$210 million bust.”  So thanks to the Yankees, Meg Whitman’s campaign may avoid this year’s dubious honor of being “Most money spent in a losing cause.”

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The Yankees, ever resilient, are considering filing for a roster rule change for 2011. Preferably to make the trade deadline the seventh inning stretch during postseason games.

And while the players themselves watch the World Series between naps and golf games, for management, still flush with free agent cash, the games will be shopping time.

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In fact, the Yankees especially wish Josh Hamilton and Cliff Lee well.  And promise them a bigger ring when they win the 2011 World Series in pinstripes.

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Let’s hope none of those Chilean miners are casual baseball fans, if one of them hears that the New York Yankees are not going to the World Series because they were beaten by the Texas Rangers, they are likely to head to the doctor asking for medication to help with hallucinations.

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“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” Who knew Nietzsche was an SF Giants fan?

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American Kamari Charlton, a former FSU Seminoles, may be punished by “caning” in Singapore after overstaying his 90 day visa by 169 days. Charlton must have been a math major at Florida State.

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According to CNN, Jeb Bush said Friday he isn’t running for president, but would support Sarah Palin if she were to run. I thought Jeb was supposed to be “the smart one.”

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When asked how she was coping with the allegations against her husband, Deanna Favre says: “I’m handling this through faith.” Upon hearing this Elin Nordegren sent Deanna a gift of golf clubs.

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And this is a groaner, I know, but –  Former President Clinton is going to tail gate for some of his fellow Democrats this weekend. And if there’s anyone who knows “tails,” it’s Bill Clinton.

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In a rare public speech at a trade conference, former President George W. Bush said his greatest failure as a president was not privatizing Social Security. His remarks occasioned immediate requests for more pre-election speeches, from Democrats.

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Apparently there is talk in the airline industry of commercial passenger jets someday being flown solo. But it’s unlikely to happen. Most pilots don’t like to drink alone.

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New York State of Whine…

October 20, 2010

 

Yankees down 3-1 in the ALCS to Texas?    This would never have happened while George Steinbrenner was alive. He would have just bought the whole Rangers team.

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Its not that Yankees players haven’t heard fans scream ‘Yankees suck” before.  They just usually haven’t heard it in New York.

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Maybe when Jerry Jones proclaimed so loudly that a Dallas team would be playing for the championship, he should have specified what sport.

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And who’d a thunk that the Rangers might win – might have won – more games in October than the Cowboys will win all year.

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Stat of the night: Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter together make as much as the entire payroll of the Texas Rangers.

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For Giants fans, torture is an acquired taste.  And bandwagon fans may not even realize it when they see it. Take today, when Brian Wilson induced a double-play grounder from Raul Ibanez to end the game and preserve a 3-0 SF win.

Longtime (or at least regular 2010)  Giants fans just KNEW Wilson was going to let Ibanez get on base and bring Carlos Ruiz, the Phillies power-hitting catcher, to the plate as the tying run.  Not that Brian wasn’t  going to get Ruiz out.  But we all expected it was going to be a lot closer to the edge.

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But meanwhile, the rumor was that Fox scheduled the Giants-Phillies game three for the absurd time of 119p, (419p eastern time.)  so it didn’t interfere with their Tuesday night hit show.

Well if so, for this Tuesday at least there was still no Glee in Philadelphia.

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Okay, for the trade of the year as far as benefiting both teams, can I nominate the trade that sent Benji Molina to the Rangers? (And it doesn’t even matter that Chris Ray isn’t on the Giants playoff roster. The kid they replaced Molina with has done okay.)

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And whatever side you’re on in Calfiornia, and even if you don’t care that much about baseball, there is something about the Giants (so far) miracle postseason run.  At least you stand a chance of turning on the television and seeing something positive as opposed to the near 24/7 political ads.

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Meanwhile, from the Windy City:  Instead of going with Ryne Sandberg as expected, the Chicago Cubs chose interim manager Mike Quade, 535, to manage the club in 2011. Makes sense, the guy managed more than 2300 games in the Expos, Phillies, As and Cubs farm system. So he has experience in dealing with Triple A level talent.

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During their Delaware Senate debate Tuesday night Christine O’Donnell challenged her opponent Chris Coons “Where in the Constitution is separation of church and state?” Well, added to all those colleges she didn’t attend, I can only surmise the classes she didn’t take were in history.

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Details, details…  Details, details. Sarah Palin recently sent out a tweet saying that Pennsylvania voters need to send Republican John Raese to the Senate. Except that Raese is the Republican nominee in West Virginia.

 Asked my friend Neil Berliner  “Sarah, which states do you know?”   “Oh, all of ‘m.”

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“Money can’t buy me love?”

October 19, 2010

The new Yankees theme song? One thing for sure, Monday night, it couldn’t buy them runs.

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Cliff Lee has now beaten the New York Yankees three times in a row in the post season, twice last year with the Phillies and tonight with the Rangers. But the Yankees, unfazed as always, have a plan – sign Lee to a mega multi-year free agent contract for 2011.

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(And if they don’t, can I bet on whatever team Lee is on August 1 making it at least to their league championship series?)

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Many New York viewers tonight were asking themselves one question – “When did the Mets bullpen put on pinstripes?”

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In Monday’s ALCS game, a six run ninth for the Rangers turned a close 2-0 game into an 8-0 blowout. And with the third out the uninitiated just heard a textbook definition of a Bronx cheer.

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Just wondering, if the Blue Jays ever make it back to the playoffs, will we have to go through the now ubiquitous seventh-inning version of “God Bless America?”

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On the other hand, there were rumors of Yankees fans throwing up in the ninth inning Monday night.

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And you think your life is rough: “To move to a whole new state is not fun — trying to figure out your family situation, figure out where you’ll be living, figuring out new routes to your work. That’s not fun.” So says a USA Today article quoting Lebron James.

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Attention parents of a certain age.  A serious new opportunity to embarrass your children is on the horizon – October 26, “Glee” does “Rocky Horror Picture Show.”  (Props of course, like toast, rice, newspaper, toilet paper etc, are optional.)

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The local media are full of stories today about the 49ers having San Francisco Bay Area bragging rights after beating the Oakland Raiders on Sunday. Isn’t that like bragging about being the winner of a spelling bee between George W. Bush and Dan Quayle?

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An actual serious comment for a change:  Regarding all the increasingly violent collisions and resulting injuries in the NFL, one commentator said yesterday he didn’t know how to stop it,  because the 15 yard penalties aren’t working. Here’s a suggestion: if you put someone on the disabled list with an illegal hit, you get suspended until he gets back. Period.

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Jackass 3D” was the big winner at the box office last weekend. As opposed to “Jackass 2D”, which was Brett Favre’s texting pictures of his  junk.

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Apparently Brett Favre may lose some endorsements over his potential “sexting” scandal. On the brighter side, he could pick some up for junk food.  (And yes, I know, probably In and Out burger.)

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The Vatican’s official newspaper has declared Homer Simpson is Catholic. Well, I guess as a father he’s less embarrassing than many of their priests.-

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As we approach game three of the NLCS,  TC reminds Giants fans it was a successful trip to Philadelphia.  “No one got puked on, and no one got tased.”

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Baseball and other games…

April 16, 2010

The Oakland As are discounting tickets to their April 20-22 series against the New York Yankees to as little as $9 each. So what does that mean? New York fans could buy a cheap roundtrip flight and game tickets probably for less than they could see a game at Yankee Stadium!

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The Los Angeles Angels are 3-7, their worst start since 2002. I don’t know if this is a worse omen for them or the San Francisco Giants.

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The volcano in Iceland is playing havoc with European air travel. And here many of us naively thought the biggest eruption we’d see this April would come from Milton Bradley.

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On top of all the earthquakes and floods, now volcanic ash from Iceland has delayed and canceled over 10,000 flights to and from Europe. It’s only April, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” for 2010, can I nominate Mother Nature?

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commie pinko sidebar:

Regarding all these Tea Partiers who are screaming bloody murder about wasteful government spending on things like the stimulus and health care. Isn’t there just ONE of them who would decry the trillion or so dollars the U.S. government has spent since we invaded Iraq?

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And there was a big Tea Party rally against excessive government spending today in Washington, D.C.. Many people brought their families. Wonder if afterwards they took the kids to the Smithsonian.
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back to sports etc.

The top-seeded Washington Capitals were upset by the eight-seeded Montreal Canadians Thursday night, a day after the San Jose Sharks fell to the Colorado Avalanche. Will the theme of this year’s NHL playoff’s be “Another number one bites the dust?”

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Endings…

December 2, 2009

Bobby Bowden leaving Florida State – the end of an era.

Charlie Weis leaving Notre Dame – the end of an error.

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Sarah Palin’s memoir ‘Going Rogue’ has sold more than one million copies. And at least a dozen of those copies might actually get read.

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“You can’t make this stuff up” department, again. On Cincinnati.com (where I was looking for information on Brian Kelly and the Notre Dame coaching vacancy,) a pop-up ad for Miller’s Bakery, Furniture and Bulk Foods. Miller’s also proudly proclaims they are “Amish owned – Amish operated.”

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GM Ceo Fritz Henderson resigned today. Which surprised a lot of Americans who didn’t realize anyone was driving at GM.

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Major League Baseball has asked Internet sites to remove several semi-nude photographs of Cleveland Indians centerfielder Grady Sizemore.

Apparently the photos were stolen from his girlfriend’s email account. It could have been worse. Someone could have stolen and posted semi-nude photos of C.C. Sabathia..

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And since we can’t let the Tiger Woods story go yet…. (Neither can he, note to Tiger, didn’t you get the Letterman memo – rule 1, come clean, immediately, rule 2, let them laugh, rule 3, THEN shut up.)

So will Tiger Woods’ new theme song, (with apologies to AC-DC), be “Driveway to Hell?”

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Give poor Tiger some credit, at least he didn’t claim to be heading out for a moonlight walk on the Appalachian trail.

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And no one seems to believe the President when he says we will be out of Afghanistan by 2011. But Obama’s got a foolproof plan. He’s going to put the war in prime-time on NBC. It could be finished by next summer.

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This joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Kaseberg.

Just wondering, how long until someone decides to sell a rare picture of Jesus on EBay, one where if you look closely you can see an image of a pancake or a slice of toast?

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And another bad pun alert, this time from Bill Littlejohn:

“A newly-discovered film from the late 50’s shows Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana. It was titled ‘Some Like It Pot'”

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