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Column enhancing drugs?

January 8, 2014

Really? Ken Gurnick of MLB.com says he did not vote for Greg Maddux on the Hall of Fame ballot, because he’s excluding everyone from the steroid era. So Gurnick thinks it’s potential PED’s that got Maddux’s stuff to break 80 mph?

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Just wondering how many of these holier-than-thou sportswriters have ever used anything illegal when they were on deadline?

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Ratings for the Packers-49ers game were the highest ever for a NFL wild card game, presumably because viewers are fascinated to watch players in cold weather. Well, heck, forget the Super Bowl in somewhere “moderate” like New York, put it in Regina, Saskatchewan (where the Canadian Grey Cup was played.) Lowest temperature this weekend with wind chill, -53C.

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Brent Musberger introduced himself last night as Kirk Herbstreit. Apparently reading the wrong cue card. Well, for those who worry Musberger is getting too old… at least he can still read.

 

While A.J. McCarron seems like a polite young man, his mother posted this tweet during Jameis Winston’s post BCS championship news conference- “Am I listening to English?” Guessing mom hasn’t spent a lot of time hanging around her son’s teammates.

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Wonder how long it will take before someone adopts #polarvortex as their stripper name?

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Over 500 travelers ended up stranded last night on Amtrak trains stuck in the snow near Chicago. If this had happened with a major U.S. airline, they’d all have been charged a sleeper surcharge.

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A new study from Boston Children’s Hospital concluded that student athletes should avoid both sports activity and schoolwork after head injuries.  Responded many football players “schoolwork?”

From Jim Barach on the same subject “A study says that student athletes need to take a break from school after getting a concussion. Isn’t taking a break from school work the whole point of becoming a student athlete in the first place?”

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Mountain Dew flavored Cheetos are now available in Japan. Actually, they should sell the snacks in Colorado and Washington, because I’m guessing you need to be really stoned before those sound good.

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Rumor has it that Lane Kiffin will become Nick Saban’s new offensive coordinator. As if we didn’t have enough reasons to hate Alabama.

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So much for the mystery of how he was stupid enough to get caught in the first place: A man escaped from a minimum security prison in Kentucky on Sunday, just before the coldest day of the year, with no money or outerwear. On Monday, with the temperature near 0, and wind chill -20, he asked a motel clerk to call the police so he could turn himself in.

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers are fighting to get his pension back (which his wife could then use), under the arguments that the law requiring sexual abusers to forfeit pensions was enacted after he was hired, and besides, the former coach was technically “retired” at the time of his crimes. Isn’t there any way to put this guy in prison general population?

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Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant Emily Maynard is now engaged for the fourth time. (To be fair, her first fiance died.) And millions of men across America find this as interesting as some of their wives find the BCS standings.

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One of the more amusing things, (and yes, I find the Batchelor/Bachelorette shows amusing in small doses) about the initial episode is these women sobbing about how they knew it was right, and they were so invested in “the journey”, and they knew the guy about 10 minutes.

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Billionaire Longhorns Red McCombs called the hiring of Louisville head coach Charlie Strong a “kick in the face. Adding I don’t have any doubt that Charlie is a fine coach. I think he would make a great position coach, maybe a coordinator. But I don’t believe (he belongs at) what should be one of three most powerful university programs in the world right now at UT-Austin.” Is McCombs angling for a guest appearance on “Duck Dynasty?”

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Another five bite the dust

December 31, 2013

Five NFL coaches fired already as of  today. They’re dropping faster than Taylor Swift’s boyfriends.

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Dwayne Wade recently became a father for the third time. But not with the fiancee he proposed to last week. The baby was conceived while he and Gabrielle Union were “on a break.” Kind of explains the 8.5 carat engagement ring. (Wonder if Dwayne got it from Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.)

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Bus to hell time:  Mack Brown’s final game as coach of the Longhorns was Monday’s bowl in San Antonio. And Oregon’s 30-7 win was somehow fitting. Don’t Texans always get slaughtered at the Alamo?

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Temperature in Green Bay Monday, -19. So “who’s got it better than us?”  might refer to whoever sells long thermal underwear to the SF 49ers team and staff.

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Wonder how many people who were traveling or otherwise busy Sunday saw the ESPN headline “Cowboys lose on late pick” and thought “Wow, so Romo was able to play after all?”

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Mike Shanahan was fired Monday morning as coach of the Washington Redskins. An announcement almost as surprising as Brian Boitano coming out as gay.

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The city of NY is suing FedEx Corp for $52 million in fines and taxes, saying the company illegally delivered millions of untaxed cigarettes from an Indian reservation to customers. While we’re on the subject of smokers, should be an interesting year for FedEx shipments from Colorado and Washington….

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On January 1, Colorado will legalize marijuana sales. But pot will still be banned at Denver International Airport. Bummer. That might have been one way to keep travelers mellow with TSA, boarding and luggage issues etc.

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Two suicide bombings yesterday in Volgograd, Russia, only 400 miles from Sochi. And suddenly Vladimir Putin is thinking an Olympics marred only by gay rights protests doesn’t sound too bad.

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A “Price is Right” contestant was thrilled to be the show’s biggest winner ever – winning an Audi R8 black convertible worth $157,300. Do wonder how thrilled she’ll be when she gets the tax bill…..

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Applebee’s Times Square branch is offering a $375 per person New Year’s Eve dinner and party. Which includes food and drink but not a view of the ball drop. $375 for Applebee’s? That’s about as good a value as 50 yard-line tickets for the Washington Redskins.

Miley Cyrus will perform on ABC’s “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.”  Wonder how many Americans New Year’s resolutions will include not watching her.

Following on the Target news, now it looks like hackers have swiped credit card information from NY and SF sandwich chain ‘wichcraft. This latest breach occurred between Aug. and Oct. of this year. What’s scarier though… how many of these breaches do we not know about? (yet)

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A recent Pew poll found that only 43% of Republicans believe in evolution, down from 54% in 2009. And 48% believe that “all living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.” Would love to be a fly on the wall when these folks take their kids to commie pinko places like the Museum of Natural History….

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or as my friend Jerry Perisho says   “One-third of Americans reject evolution. What a bunch of Neanderthals!”

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It’s the most munchie-fun time of the year?

December 16, 2013

Pennsylvania police arrested a Florida man after a traffic stop after they found 20 pounds of marijuana in boxes wrapped as Christmas presents. Well, who’s to say the boxes weren’t Christmas presents?

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Fox NFL announcers before 49ers-Buccaneers game Sunday in a gray Tampa. “There’s no sunshine in the Sunshine State. Temperatures are 70 degrees and falling.” And no doubt East Coast viewers are all thinking “just STFU.”

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In-N-Out Burgers has indicated they do not want to expand to the East Coast. This is bad news for both East Coast residents and any of their under-employed cardiologists.

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Former MLB player Ryan Freel, who reportedly had 9-10 concussions while he played, and who committed suicide last year, reportedly suffered from CTE. No doubt Bud Selig will address this with all the dedication he showed on the steroid issue.

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Joan Fontaine, 96, died today. Perhaps she went to Manderley again?

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The Dallas Cowboys blew a 23 point lead today. To paraphrase a Horace Walpole quote – “A tragedy to those in North Texas, a comedy to those who live everywhere else.”

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Monte Kiffin is making his son Lane look good.

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As TC says “Good news Cowboy fans, “Everytime Romo throws a pick, an angel gets their wings”.

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Apparently the Saints decided to take a bye week. Or at least a bye three quarters. #gladitsnottheplayoffs

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The Miami Dolphins upset the New England Patriots 24-20. So the question of the day “WWGB?” Who will Gisele blame?

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Not the Onion. Larry Pratt, president of Gun Owners of America, said the problem in America is overly restrictive. “Every one of our mass murders in our country has occurred in places where guns were prohibited. The legislation that is on the books is lethal. It is killing people. All of these gun free zones are murder magnets. We’ve simply got to get rid of them.” Hey, guns on airplanes, in schools, in theaters, what could possibly go wrong….?

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John Kerry said Kim Jong Un is “reckless” and “insecure.” What was his first clue?

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Journey guitarist Neal Schon and former “Real Housewives of D.C.” star Michaele Holt Salahi wed in a Pay-Per-View ceremony in San Francisco Sunday. Proving it was possible to show something less relevant than the Redskins-Falcons game.

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Redskins coach Mike Shanahan isn’t planning to resign and according to ESPN sources “actually would like to return to Washington next season as long as he can run the organization the way he wants.” I think we have a better chance for world peace.

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Apparently all four GOP candidates for lieutenant governor in Texas think that public schools should teach creationism. Not sure about creationism but these folks are not doing much for the theory of “intelligent design.”

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So much fuss over a picture. But for different reasons we can I think be thankful that “selfies” weren’t a phenomenon when either W. or Bill Clinton was President.

(and btw, since some friends have asked, the explanation from the photographer of the Obama and friends picture…. http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/12/11/selfie-of-obama-was-misinterpreted-photographer-says/?_r=0)

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Doh – ritos

October 22, 2013

A new Gallup poll says 58% of Americans now support legalizing marijuana, the highest percentage ever. And no doubt that doesn’t count another 5-10% who responded, “uh, sure, maybe, I don’t know, what was that question again, man?

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n an effort to combat drug-trafficking, Uruguay will start selling legal marijuana for $1 a gram. In related news, expect travel agents soon to report a huge surge in vacation requests for Montevideo.

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Why punctuation and careful typing matters, sports version. A fan purchased a World Series ticket on Stubhub for $3.00 (plus a $3 service fee). After the seller apparently left out a comma and/or a couple zeros.

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Temperatures in Boston are supposed to dip down to near freezing Wednesday night for the opening of the World Series. Guess that’s why they call it the “Winter Classic.”

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The NFL continues their Europe marketing plan with SF-Jacksonsville in London this weekend. And the Brits are thinking “Okay, thanks for sending the 49ers over, don’t we get a second professional team?”

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Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park. So SF fans, yes, the park has finally seen something scarier than the 2013 Giants’ hitting with runners in scoring position….

(alternate punchline “scarier than Brian Wilson in a Dodgers uniform.”    Other suggestions encouraged.)

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Tim Lincecum signed a new contract with the SF Giants for two years, $35 million. Guess we know a reason why they were willing to take Kanye West’s money.

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John McCain is thinking of running for re-election to the Senate in 2016, when he will be 80. And Hillary Clinton is thrilled- McCain will make her look young and vigorous!

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Why men should not do wedding planning. A British groom was sentenced to a year in jail after he admitted to calling in a bomb hoax for St. George’s Hall in Liverpool. He was trying to cover up the fact he had forgotten to book the hall for his own wedding…..

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Apparently the NY Jets knew the Patriots might try the illegal pushing play during field goals, and alerted the refs to watch for it. And the Sunday before, the Patriots had allegedly tried it against New Orleans, whose defensive coordinator is… Rob Ryan. Oh brother.

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Regarding the Obamacare website and the idea that it would be up and running without bugs on schedule: these folks may know how to reform healthcare, but they sure don’t know software engineers.

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Despite polls showing the voters overwhelmingly blaming the GOP for the government shutdown, Ted Cruz said he’ll try to do it again in January. At this rate the Texas senator stands to get a lot of donations – from Democrats.

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Just proving that when it comes to crazy, your state may matter more than your political party. Democratic congressman Alan Grayson, who is white, sent a fundraising email which equated the Tea Party to the Ku Klux Klan, and had a burning cross for the letter “T.” Yes, he’s from Florida.

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Truth from Jim Barach:  A poll says that nearly half of all Americans say that everyone in Congress should be replaced. All that needs to happen is for those people to tell that to the quarter of Americans who actually vote in congressional elections.

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Changing the Pace?

June 2, 2013

If the #Pacers win game 7 Monday night against the #Heat, the biggest #flopping in the NBA finals may be their TV ratings.

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In a post game news conference Saturday night, the Pacers’ Roy Hibbert used a gay slur in one answer. And added the kind of curse that will get you tossed from most sporting events to refer to the media.    So is he part of a conspiracy already…to try to make the Heat the more likeable team?

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#SFGiants thought it was bad when last night’s game was rained out. Turns out it was worse when today’s doubleheader wasn’t…

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(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says, Hill is such a class act, hard to believe he was ever in the NBA.)

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Colts QB Andrew Luck said “It’s the 21st century” and he would have “absolutely no problem” with an openly gay teammate. (And hey, what Luck didn’t mention. None of those distractions like paternity suits.)

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R.I.P. Jean Stapleton. So in heaven tonight will Carroll O’Connor be greeting her with a big hug and “Stifle, Edith, Stifle!?

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock jumped after first quarter sales and profit exceeded expectations. Sounds like the new Colorado and Washington marijuana laws are already stimulating the economy.

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Nine people were killed in the most recent Oklahoma tornadoes, but two storm chasers are alive despite being temporarily trapped in the eye of the storm and hit by flying debris. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Stephen Strasburg left after 2 innings  Friday with an oblique injury. No doubt making Nationals fans even more thrilled that the team shut him down in a possible World Series year.

 

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Okay, am I the only one who sees “Tiger has worst nine holes ever” and thinks that it’s a waitress joke?

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Today marks the 60th anniversary of the coronation of England’s Queen. And yes, we’re talking Elizabeth, not the first Grammy won by Elton John.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg, after Keyshawn Johnson complained about Justin Bieber’s speeding: in their neighborhood:   “When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act.”

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Staggering into the weekend.

May 26, 2012

The  Roger Clemens (second) trial has now dragged on over six weeks. Six weeks?! That’s longer than the 2012 Cubs stayed in playoff contention.

 

Ask and ye shall receive: A passenger on a Brazilian airline reportedly stood up just before the plane was due to take off and shouted, “Someone should have told me the captain was a woman. I’m not flying with a female at the controls.” So the pilot, who was indeed a woman, kicked him off the plane.

 

A new book about President Obama coming out in June is getting buzz for apparently talking about his marijuana use. Uh, doesn’t anyone remind the 2008 campaign? When Barack said “Yes, I inhaled, when I was a kid that was the point.”

 

(How about a book about how Mitt Romney managed to get through the 60s and 70s without smoking or inhaling?)

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Another game,  another inning with a crooked number for Tim Lincecum in the SF Giants 7-6 loss. (for non-baseball fans a “crooked number” is a large number of  runs scored, 3,4,5,6 –  1 and 2 are not simple and not “crooked” numbers.)

Beginning to think that maybe Lincecum used to smoke his PED.

 

 

Dwight Howard said he had nothing to do with the firing of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.

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Shaquille O’Neal said he is staying put as an NBA television analyst. Although he says he was “clearly intrigued” by the Orlando Magic GM jobs. Yes, well most Americans do find train wrecks intriguing.

 

 

ESPN has contracted to keep showing the July 4 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. The contest pulled a 1.3% rating last year. Coincidentally, that might be about the same average rating for the Stanley Cup between the Kings and the Devils.

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Mitt Romney said in an interview that the fallout from the comment “I like being able to fire people” made him “try and be a little more careful in what I say.” So he still likes firing people, but now he knows not to say it.

 

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From Gary M, about my line on the Boxford, Massachusetts herd of cows that got loose and wandered into a backyard and started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers:   “Ya sure they weren’t in the Red Sox bullpen?

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The Once and Future Kings.

May 22, 2012

So who expected this in 2012. What’s the difference between the Clippers and the Lakers? About 24 hours.

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As the Thunder rolled, how many disappointed Los Angeles sports fans thought back earlier this spring, well, at least we’ll have the Kings?

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Another question, who had the Kings as the last team playing this spring in the Los Angeles Staples Center?   Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.

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Yahoo has named Ross Levinsohn their fifth CEO in four years. At this point the only job with less security in the SF Bay Area is coach of the Oakland Raiders.

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The Dodgers have put 5 position players on the DL in the last two weeks, and have won 10 of their last 12. If they get a few more injuries Los Angeles could really run away with the division.

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Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an avowed anti-big government conservative, received $75 million in loan guarantees from Rhode Island to move his video game company there in 2010. Now the company is failing and the state is on the hook. Once again, government waste = money that doesn’t directly benefit ME.

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The next time Schllling rants against Democrats, hope someone tells him to put a bloody sock in it.

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In California, Congression candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he’ll smoke a joint — “right on the steps of Capitol Hill.” Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned.

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Last week a Romney interview in the National Review praised Meg Whitman, and said she would be a better governor for Calif. Jerry Brown. The same day a story broke that Meg’s new company, HP, was going to lay off 30,000. (And somewhere Mitt is thinking, and the problem with that is…?)

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Four suspects were arrested after beating up a man Sunday after the Los Angeles-St. Louis baseball game in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. (The victim is in stable condition.) To be fair, the accused are almost certainly not real Dodgers fans, otherwise they would have been gone after the 7th inning.

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The Coast Guard has picked up 160 bales (about 7,000 lbs) of marijuana, floating off the coast of Southern California. In related news, fisherman in the area report great luck by baiting their hooks with Doritos.

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A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million. Apparently it still has a mark on it from when the Babe was hit by a pitch from Jamie Moyer.

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Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn’t sure the former V.P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, “Sure, he’d take a shot at it.”

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According to the DOT the 17 biggest U.S. airlines collected $3.36 billion in checked bag fees in 2011, down slightly from $3.4 billion the year before. Although they carried more 1.3% more psgrs than in 2010. This news surprises absolutely no one who has watched the musical chairs game for the overhead bins during boarding.

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From TC  – (Jay Leno used almost an identical line tonight, wonder if he saw it in comments this morning on last night’s post):   “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville.”

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There might be gambling in Casablanca too.

April 17, 2012

Secret service men screw around, football players try to injure each other. Next thing someone will be trying to tell us is that there are still performance enhancing drugs in baseball..

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Lincecum 0-2 after another really rough first inning. Is prescription medical marijuana allowed by rules of MLB?? Let Timmy smoke!

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Mitt Romney, in an interview with Diane Sawyer, was asked about putting his dog Seamus on the car roof, specifically “would you do it again?” His response “Certainly not with the attention it’s received.” In other words, “Well maybe, if I could figure out how to do it with no one finding out.”

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New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said this weekend that he didn’t think Boston fan favorite Kevin Youkilis was “as physically or emotionally into the game.” What’s next? Valentine saying he loves and respects the Yankees?

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The Patriot-News in Harrisburg, PA won a Pulitzer for local reporting for breaking the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. Wonder if the Pulitzer people will wait 10 years to give them the award.

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Vin Scully, 84, has recovered from his severe and is back in the booth at Dodger Stadium. He hopes to call all the team’s remaining home games, especially the upcoming May 11-13 Rockies series, when he can see that “nice young man” Jamie Moyer pitch.

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Mitt Romney this weekend said that “Fox News has been good to me.” In related news, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

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SF Giants have signed Madison Bumgarner to a contract extension through 2017. By the time the contract is up MadBum will almost be old enough to drink.

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Got to love the San Francisco Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, 22, from a small town in North Carolina. Asked what he was going to do with all that money after signing a 5 year $35 million contract, he paused, and then responded. “I don’t know. Maybe buy more cows?.”

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The silly season continues. The Wisc. Democratic Party. has filed a complaint alleging Mitt Romney violated bribery laws in handing out free sub sandwiches during the GOP primary while encouraging people to go vote. (The law forbids gifts valued at more than $1 in exchange for a vote.) Romney is laughing it off. But if the Obama campaign starts giving out food, prepare for a Congressional investigation.

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Notre Dame has long had an agreement with IMG radio for national broadcasts of all their football games. Now USC announced they have the second such national deal, with ESPN Radio for all of the Trojans’ home games. Once again, can’t imagine how student-athletes get the idea college football is about money.

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This whole Secret Service scandal came to light over one man not paying his hooker the $47 he owed her. $47?!! This story may not do much for the reputation of the Secret Service, but it’s likely to do wonders for Columbian tourism.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.

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Fruity loops?

September 9, 2010

Gov. Ed Rendell has referred to some of the more extreme Republicans running for office this year as “Fruit Loops.” This prompted an immediate demand for an apology. From Kellogg’s.

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A school named after Al Gore has apparently been built on toxic dirt. That’s like a school named after George W. Bush ending up with a world class library.

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Or a school named after Hillary Clinton being built on the site of a teddy bear factory?

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Nick O’Leary, a grandson of Jack Nicklaus and a top high school football recruit, was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards the stands after a recent game. O’Leary is apparently considering Alabama, Miami and Florida. But sounds like he might already be NFL ready.

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Meghan McCain now says she was so shocked by her father’s choice of Sarah Palin to be his running mate that she ended up crying on the bus. It was probably only a few weeks later that her dad ended up doing the same thing.

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An aide to Barbara Boxer was caught trying to “remove and conceal a sticky green substance” from his pocket while entering the Senate office building. The substance turned out to be marijuana and the aide has since resigned. Wonder if he will claim he thought it was gum?

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My friend Jim Barach said the aide may have been re-assigned to a joint committee.

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‎44 years ago this week, NBC aired the first episode of Star Trek, a series that actually only aired for three seasons, but nonetheless became a cultural icon. It was a show parents would tell their children about, if anyone who watched those first episodes actually married and reproduced.

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Former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln Wedsaid Wednesday, saying that it would be a mistake for voters to give in to “anger, apathy and amnesia.” And Sarah Palin replied “Just another example of Democrats using all those high-faluting foreign words.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:

“Pastor Terry Jones says that, despite calls from as high up as the White House to call it off, he plans on staging ‘International Burn-a-Quran Day’.Couldn’t he just settle on a LeBron James Cleveland jersey, instead?”

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High into the San Francisco Night….

August 10, 2010

Many San Francisco fans may recognize, “There it goes, high into the San Francisco Night” as a home run call from Jon Miller….

But on a related note? Monday night’s Giants-Cubs game at A T and T Park in San Francisco was also Jerry Garcia-Grateful Dead night. Best line of the night, from retired player and current broadcaster F.P. Santangelo, alluding to all the Deadheads at the game, “that’s not fog wafting up to the bridge…”

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Suspended Houston Texans linebacker Brian Cushing says his positive test for a female fertility drug was the result of overtraining. Either that or too many Lamaze classes with Manny Ramirez.

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Maybe Cushing mean “Overstraining,” as in “Overstraining credibility.”

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NBA commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play a pair of regular-season games in London this season. And we accuse China of exporting poor quality junk overseas..

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The NBA has announced that the Toronto Raptors and New Jersey Nets will play two regular season games in 2011 in London. So much for David Stern’s promise of having meaningful games in Europe before the 2012 Olympics.

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How can you miss him if he won’t go away department:

Levi Johnston, the on-again, off-again fiance of Bristol Palin, now tells the world he has political aspirations and will run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Is he nuts? The guy has no experience and may not even have voted. You don’t run for mayor with that background, you run for Governor of California.

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Question of the night – You go to a sporting event, it starts on time. You go to a movie, at least the previews start on time. So why is it when you go to a concert, you’re lucky if the opening act starts half an hour after the time on the tickets?

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Jodie Fisher is the reality television and one-time R-rated movie actress, whose lawsuit led to the resignation of HP CEO Mark Hurd. She issued a statement through her lawyer Gloria Allred saying,”I was surprised and saddened that Mark Hurd lost his job over this, that was not my intention.” Stay tuned for her next role, on the new show – “Dancing with the Skanks.”

(open note to Ms. Fisher, if you DON’T want to look like a skank and a publicity whore, maybe it would be a good idea not to hire as a lawyer the woman who is most recently known for representing Tiger Woods’ porn star mistress.)

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A $40 million severance package for Mark Hurd, $42 million for Carly Fiorina…. If they really want to help the California economy, maybe Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown should both consider a campaign promise to be both hired and fired as HP CEO, and then give their severance package to the state.

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Move over Denver….

March 25, 2010

California voters could legalize marijuana this November. So much for the “Mile High City,” we could become the “Mile High State.”

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An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which may help explain why the San Francisco Giants were able to sign Tim Lincecum to a long-term contract.

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or – nonsports version –

An initiative to legalize and regulate marijuana for personal use has qualified for the ballot in California this November. Which could make the state the first to do away with high crimes and misdemeanors.

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NFL officials have expressed concern because as many as a third of potential first round draft picks have admitted marijuana use. Wow. Next thing we’ll be hearing is that some of these players didn’t go to college for the academics either.

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Although, on second thought regarding that story of the NFL being concerned about about a third of potential first-rounders admitting marijuana use – are they worried more about those kids having drug problems or the other kids being liars?

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Blockbuster, once one of the most profitable entertainment companies in America, is now close to bankruptcy. A documentary movie on the company’s rapid rise and fall may be available this summer on Netflix.

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Pamela Anderson did surprisingly well on the first “Dancing with the Stars.” There was that first embarrassing moment in the rehearsals when she thought “stars” referred to those little breast pasties.

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Sandra Bullock has largely maintained a public silence about her husband’s alleged multiple infidelities. But rumor has it she’s considering going golfing with Elin Woods.
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Sandra Bullock has largely maintained a public silence about her husband’s alleged multiple infidelities. But her friends are considering a Craigslist post for a “dirty little coward” to shoot Mr. Howard.

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Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. “That’s really a shame”, said absolutely no one.

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Really tacky joke. Some are still up in arms over Joe Biden’s “Big f**king deal” comment.

Suppose it’s a good thing no sportscaster referred to Tiger’s endorsement-losing follies as “Big deal-breaking f**king.”

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High strikes and misdemeanors.

November 20, 2009

Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? (No, not runner-up Chris Carpenter.) Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug.

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Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos.

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Although Lincecum only had 15 wins this year, voters apparently felt his statistics outweighed the results. Besides, he had two significant handicaps playing for San Francisco. First, the Giants’ anemic offense didn’t score him many runs. Second, he didn’t have the benefit of pitching against his own team.

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(Actually, how bad was the Giants’ offense last year? They would have had to taken iron to be considered anemic.)

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Vikings coach Brad Childress has been offered a contract extension through 2013. Which means he will only have to put up with Brett Favre retiring and unretiring another 2-3 times.

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Senator Robert C Byrd, 92, is now the longest serving member of Congress ever, having first been sworn in on January 3, 1953. He has cast more than 18,000 votes. And at this point, he remembers at least a dozen of them.
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Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin was to rate President Obama’s performance on a scale of 1 to 10. And George W. Bush said, “1 to 10? Palin is right about the sexism, they always ask her the hard questions.”

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Former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been saying that some of the criticism of Obama have been “unfair and even shameful.” (He was referring to things like GOP criticism of the President visiting Dover to pay respect to the coffins of returning soldiers, and the White House Halloween party for local children.) Huckabee added that while he is a conservative, he feels that “knee-jerk” criticism is counter-productive and prevents civil debate.

How weird is it that amongst leading Republicans, the creationist turns out to be one of those who seems most highly evolved?

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USC Coach Pete Carroll will use his team’s bye week to do some recruiting. While there may be a few twins and multiple players from the same schools on his lists, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will ask him anywhere if he’s going to “go for two.”

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The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball.
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Cincinnati quarterback Zach Collaros was caught trying to enter a bar with a fake ID before he turned 21 this year. He was sentenced to a first offender program, but has apparently been AWOL .

The judge warned Collaros that he will be jailed if he doesn’t start the program soon, and added “It’s not like blowing off a math class.” Said several SEC quarterbacks “What’s a math class?”

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Headline? Giants avoid high anxiety with Lincecum.

November 7, 2009

Good news for San Francisco fans. Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum will apparently not be disciplined by Major League Baseball for his marijuana arrest.

He pled guilty to possession of drug paraphenalia, without admitted he actually used the pipe. Which actually makes sense, possession not proving use. The SF Giants lineup in 2009 all were given a full supply of bats.

And as to those who say he was driving impaired… Let’s see, he was doing 74 in a 60mph zone. If he were really stoned, he would have been driving 15 mph. With one hand in a bag of Doritos.

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One thing you won’t probably hear in from Lincecum in an interview in future – “Put that in your pipe and smoke it.”

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Presumably Lincecum will be a little more careful or at least discreet in future. Wonder if his mound music will be “Last Dance with Mary Jane.”

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Today Manny Ramirez chose not to become a free agent and exercised his $20 million option with the Dodgers for 2010. As if that’s a surprise. Even the Yankees said “No thanks, we won’t waste the money.”

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Paying Manny Ramirez $20 millions after a year where he missed 50 games with a drug suspension, and performed mediocrely during the rest of the season and the postseason…. That’s got to be the most irritating money Dodgers owner Frank McCourt will pay ever out…well, until his divorce settlement.

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Republicans are criticizing President Obama’s decision not to attend the commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall in Germany. And Newt Gingrich went so far as to say, “Some consider it an outrage, I consider it a tragedy.”

As opposed to the outrage and tragedy Gringrich would have said it was to jet off to Europe for a ceremony while the healthcare debate rages on and unemployment topped 10 percent.

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President Obama talked about his daughter Melia in a recent speech on education, and cited one of her test scores of 73. And George W. Bush called his father and said “When you were president why didn’t you ever brag about me like that?”

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A South Korean woman finally passed the written exam for a driver’s license on her 950th time. And millions of people around the world had the same reaction, “please don’t let her move to my street.”

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This last almost completely written by Marc Ragovin. Completely tacky. Wish I had first thought of the concept.

This World Series celebration did nothing to tone down A-Rod’s ego -now he really thinks of himself as a American hero. Especially since like Captain Sully, he finished the day in the Hudson.

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Baseball…beyond the World Series.

November 6, 2009

With the Yankees winning in six games, the World Series was finally completed November 5. The good news for Cubs’ fans. It’s less time to wait until “next year.”

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Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was apparently caught smoking marijuana. This is the most shocking news since Adam Lambert announced he was gay.

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Does the arrest make Lincecum the acknowledged master of the high strike?

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Joe Giraldi wore number 27 as Yankees manager because he made it a goal to win the team’s 27th championship. This doesn’t always work out so easily. But it explains why Leo Durocher managing the Cubs always wore number 2.

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Yankees fans will tell you that the team won not because of money, but because of good management, team chemistry, hard work….. Yes, and the 65 year old men sitting in the box seats with 25 year old women will tell you the gals are with them because of their sparkling personalities.

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The Yankees’ victory parade will be November 13. Moving Bud Selig just a little closer to his goal of combining it with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

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They expect record crowds to line the streets, mostly because most New Yorkers no longer have jobs to go to as an alternative.

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At least the parade will be free, which means it will also be the first chance most New Yorkers will have this year to see the team in person.

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Sometimes no punchline will do a story justice. The following is an AP story reported at sfgate.com link included to show I am not making it up.

An Ohio man dressed as a Breathalyzer test for Halloween found himself blowing into one after police stopped him for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said they stopped 20-year-old James P. Miller on Halloween night and found beer in his front seat and in the trunk.

Police said Miller blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test. He was cited on charges including operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID, and a one-way street violation.

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As she kicked off her Senate campaign, Carly Fiorina criticized Washington by saying ‘What is it they are doing with all our money?” Funny, that’s the same thing shareholders said when she was in charge of HP.

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A few Masters thoughts, etc.

April 13, 2009

Conversation heard across America at offices on Monday morning:  Hey, did you see who won the Masters after Phil and Tiger flamed out?

 Yeah, me neither.

 

Nothing against all the worthy golfers in the playoffs, but wasn’t the Masters’ ending kind of like watching  the NBA finals if the Lakers and Cavaliers had been eliminated in the first round??

 

But for Americans who like to cheer for people they haven’t been paying attention to all year…here come the Stanley Cup Playoffs…

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Usain Bolt, 22, of Jamaica, has just admitted smoking marijuana in this youth.  In homage to Saturday Night Live “I’m really shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Although at meets within Jamaica, can “non-use” of marijuana be considered performance-enchancing?

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Doritos has just come out with  “late night” flavors of their tortilla chips. Seriously.  The flavors are “Taco” and “Jalapeno Poppers.”  Presumably that allows them to get one flavor each endorsed by Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps.

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And just apropos of nothing.  Except the budget deficits faced across the country by states including California.  Marijuana remains illegal in this country…and the last three Presidents have admitted to smoking it.  (As did the children of the two who preceded them.)

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