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Vive la France?

January 15, 2014

French President Francois Hollande, facing allegations that he is cheating on his longterm partner, acknowledged “ordeals” in his personal life, and said he would “clarify who the first lady is before he takes a presidential trip to the United States on Feb. 11.” And Bill Clinton is thinking “You could do that?”

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Jacqueline Bisset: “I can’t remember what I said” in her Golden Globes speech. “I am shocked”, said nobody who watched the speech

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More from Florida. A court recently ruled that colleges and universities had to allow student to keep guns in their cars on campus, now the gun rights group that won that case is trying to force the University of Florida to allow firearms in dorm rooms and student apartments. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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The man who allegedly fatally shot another movie-goer over texting is a retired and well-regarded Tampa police officer with a 20 year career who has led gun safety classes. So how do you stop a “good guy with a gun?”

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Stay classy Texas, where conservative blogger Bill Whittle at a Ted Cruz rally joked (well, MAYBE he was joking), about opening fire on cars with California license plates… and getting a medal for it. The entire little vignette is at the bottom of this post.

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Chris Christie during his State of the State Address “Mistakes were clearly made.” And no doubt what he thinks is the #1 mistake – putting anything in writing in an email.

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Wonder how bad #Bridgegate has to get before Snooki says she’s embarrassed to be from New Jersey?

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The LA County Sheriff’s Department searched Justin Bieber’s mansion after a complaint that eggs were thrown at a neighbor’s home. They apparently found drugs including cocaine and arrested one of Bieber’s guest. We knew Bieber wanted to be an star as an adult. But looks like the star he wants to be is Lindsay Lohan.

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The illegal forward pass that ended the Saints’ season Saturday was apparently a “designed play that went awry.” Sounds like the whole Cowboys season.

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The Chicago Cubs say that some of the reaction to their new mascot was “despicable.” Many Cubs fans think that adjective should be reserved for the team’s play on the field.

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The owners of the Empire State Building are suing a photographer for $1.1 million because he took pictures of a topless model on the observation deck. I don’t know…. Guessing random photo shoots of topless models might increase visitor counts.

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Bud Selig, who says he is retiring, again, at the end of 2014, says he wants to spend his last year as commissioner on a Mariano Rivera-type tour of all 30 major-league baseball stadiums. Except presume when Bud is in house the parks will ban fruit and plastic bottle sales?

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#‎PabloSandoval‬ has lost 42 pounds. That’s half a ‪#‎TimLincecum‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Houston Texans owner Bob McNair has been raving about South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney, a potential #1 NFL draft pick. Well, it might be a good fit, the Texans have a rebuilding program, a new head coach, and a state speed limit that tops out at 85 mph.

The Texas “joke”   “I’ve said this several times in Texas before and I’ve said it to Mr. Cruz as a representative of the Texas government, I’ve said it to Gov. (Rick) Perry directly, and now I’m going to say it to you as individual Texas citizens. You will see a lot of cars coming west heading east on Interstate 10, and they’re going to have California license plates on them. Now, if you see these cars pull into rest areas or hotels or restaurants, that’s fine; wave goodbye, make sure they go out on the Louisiana end. But if you see them pull off into residential areas, you need to open fire on these vehicles immediately. Immediately. Not with 9mm or AR rounds; you need to put mortars on those things, you cannot take any chances. What’s the worst that could happen to you? I mean, honestly, this is Texas, right? You’ll stand in front of a Texas judge, (and) he’ll say, ‘Did you shoot up that car full of Californians?’ You’ll say yes, he’ll say why. You’ll say, ‘Well, your honor, they needed killing.’ And he’ll say, ‘We’ll strike a medal in your honor,’ and off you go.

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A-bridged version.

January 14, 2014

The Seattle Seahawks won’t let anyone with a California address buy tickets to the NFL championship. If they are that worried about out-of-towners spoiling their team’s chances, maybe the Hawks should put Chris Christie in charge of coordinating day-of-game bridge traffic.

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If could be worse. What if Anthony Weiner as a Congressman from Brooklyn had closed down THAT bridge, and Chris Christie had sexted selfie naked pictures.

 

A recent study showed that caffeine enhances certain memories for up to 24 hours after it’s consumed. As in “Holy Sh*t, I can’t believe I paid that much for a cup of coffee?”

 

 

 

In early December Southwest announced that as of June 2014 they were cancelling service to Branson, MO. Now we know why, their pilots don’t know where the airport is.

 

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Why there is no satire…. The Octomom has been charged with welfare fraud for not reporting earnings while she collected benefits. One of her paid jobs? Endorsing birth control for pets.

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Apparently an argument over texting during a movie in a theater turned deadly today when a retired police officer allegedly shot and killed another man. I probably don’t even need to mention the state…..

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The Chicago Cubs have announced their first official mascot, “Clark”, a “young friendly Cub” who will greet fans at Wrigley Field. Wonder if in June Clark will start handing out 2015 Calendars.

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In a recent poll, 51% of New Jersey residents say they do not think the governor has been “completely honest” about #Bridgegate, Of course have to wonder what % think that any politician is “completely honest” about anything.

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QB Peyton Manning loudly used the word “Omaha” before snapping the ball in yesterday’s playoff game. The city thanked him for the mentions. Although for all we know that’s where Peyton was threatening to send his O line if he got sacked.

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A-Rod’s suspension, which saves the team his $25 million salary for 2014, comes just in time for the Yankees to use the $$ to make a run at Masahiro Tanaka. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. #sarcasm

 

Trying to take sides between Bud Selig and A-Rod, is like trying to choose between Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder.

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But really. Alex Rodriguez’s latest effort to overturn his suspension involves suing both MLB AND the players’ union. Guess not content with being the most hated man in baseball, A-Rod is trying to become the most hated man in all sports.

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Seattle fans generated a small earthquake again during last Saturday’s game against New Orleans. Wondering how many years we are away from the first lawsuit for future health damages and hearing loss?

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All’s fair?

January 13, 2014

If you have children watch games to teach them about sportsmanship, you might want to have turned off the Panthers 49ers NFC playoff Sunday.

 

Semi-serious thought for a change  If taunting is in the NFL penalty book, then start calling it and fining players. Instead of saving the fines for stuff like wearing the wrong socks.

 

Nice show of confidence from Seattle management – restricting ticket sales to next week’s NFC championships to fans in in 6 states, not including California. You’d think if the Seahawks can handle the 49ers, their 12th man fans could handle a few hundred folks in red and gold.

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Heck, if the Seahawks are that worried about out-of-towners spoiling their game, maybe they should ask Chris Christie to coordinate local bridge traffic?

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Already controversy with the U.S. Women’s Figure Skating team, as the Olympic committee chose the 1st, 2nd and 4th place finishers at the Trials for the three spots. Guess that’s what they get for giving a guest spot to the French judge?

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A-Rod says he is showing up for Spring Training while he appeals his suspension. Thereby assuring that this year the Yankees circus starts before Opening Day.

 

Guess the Yankees should have been suspicious when A-Rod had that plastic jar of multi-colored candies labeled “Gummy Bears-ly Legal.”

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The Chargers’ Manti T’eo was knocked out of today’s game with a concussion. Wonder if they took his helmet when T’eo asked for his girlfriend.

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Biggest losers with NFL games today? Advertisers who bought time late in the fourth quarters.

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Fake punt late with a two touchdown lead. Harbaugh doing his best to assure that most people outside of California and Washington will be rooting for AFC in Super Bowl.

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Peyton Manning will have an offseason exam on his neck that will determine his future. And 29 teams who aren’t the Broncos are saying “Take care of yourself, relax, spend time with your family.”

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For all those who are convinced private industry trumps government every time, and regulations are just job-killers, maybe it’s time for a short visit to West Virginia. Just don’t drink the water.

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It’s not over….

January 12, 2014

Maybe not in Foxboro, but in Seattle,  a reminder of why baseball is STILL the best game. When you have momentum, the clock never runs out on you!

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Even the Stanford Band said “What was Marques Colston THINKING on that last play?” #Whodat #Braincramp

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The Saints did just cover the 8.5 point spread. So fans may not be happy but they can buy good booze to drown their sorrows #WhoDat

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A-Rod, suspended for 162 games. His response – “the deck has been stacked against me from day one.” As if almost all 52 cards in that deck weren’t placed there by the slugger himself.

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A-Rod’s suspension means the Yankees are off the hook for his $25 million 2014 salary. #therichgetricher

 

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A third DUI for David Cassidy this morning, and second in six months. Who knew when he sang “I think I love you” that the Partridge Family singer was talking about booze?

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Rangers pitcher Derek Holland says it was his dog who ran into him on the stairs, causing him to fall and hurt his knee badly enough to need arthoscopic surgery. SF Giants are wondering if it’s too late to require Jeremy Affeldt only to own cats.

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Alas tonight Indianapolis ran out of Luck.

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Causing a traffic jam over a meaningless endorsement seems as frivolous during an election as breaking into McGovern’s campaign offices. #bridgegate

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Shame Chris Christie didn’t pay more attention in History class. This bridge closure cries out for a “I didn’t really mean it when I said ‘who will rid me of this meddlesome mayor’ defense.”

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The Red Hot Chili Peppers are now part of the Super Bowl halftime lineup. Guess the NFL figured it was their only chance to have the word “Hot” associated with a game played outdoors in February.

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Apparently women’s ski jumping hasn’t been in the Olympics until now because some (men) were afraid it could damage female fertility. Uh, except which sex has the more external, and thus at risk, fertility “parts”?

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The security breach story du jour: Neiman Marcus said today that over the holiday season some customers’ card information was hacked and used fraudulently. Fortunately most Americans couldn’t afford to shop at Needless Markup anyway.

 

 

Bus to hell:  “Ariel Sharon has died. About four years after most people took him out of their Death Pools.”

 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Ronda Rousey admits to a crush on retired MMA legend Fedor Emelianenko, saying that she’d ‘have 57 of his babies’.If she wanted 57 babies with someone, wouldn’t she have better luck with a retired NBA legend?”

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Two wrongs make a ?????

January 11, 2014

So because some baseball writers think some players made a mockery of the game, they made a mockery of the HOF voting? #growthef*ckup

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So will #ChrisChristie‘s 2016 Presidential Campaign song be “Troubled Bridge Over Water?”

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Some in the GOP are having a hard time knowing how to deal with this Chris Christie bridge scandal. Sure, it looks bad, but it’s not like the New Jersey Governor did something really awful, like appearing again in public with President Obama.

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Indianapolis punter Pat McAfee says the Colts justifiably fined him for his locker room tweet that inadvertently showed Andrew Luck nearly naked. McAfee has apologized repeatedly and says that Luck has been great about it. Makes sense. Andrew is a cool guy, and in any case, his butt looks less embarrassing than his beard.

What’s scarier? That Target now says their data breach may have affected 110 million customers, instead of the original 40 million? Or the other stores with data breaches we don’t know about yet?

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The NFL now says New Orleans CB Keenan Lewis violated “concussion protocol” by returning to the Saints sideline, although he did not go back on the field after his concussion in last weekend’s game. No fine imposed. Although no doubt had Lewis put an unauthorized hat on to stay warm it would have been $50k.

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Most amazing thing about “Bridgegate” Now when most people think of the most embarrassing story to come out of New Jersey, it won’t even include Snooki.

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Sarah Palin says her new show, Amazing America, on the Sportsman Channel, won’t be political, although she says she IS interested in promoting freedom of speech and gun owners’ rights. So I guess Sarah’s definition of non-political is talking about anything she believes in.

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Alabama has appointed Lane Kiffin their offensive coordinator. Good news. For the rest of the SEC.

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Be careful what you wish for. No doubt some people in New Jersey were thinking just last week that they were hoping that media would quit focusing on their state only for potential Super Bowl weather problems.

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French President Francois Hollande, who is not married but has a long-time partner, is threatening legal action over a Closer magazine story saying he is having an affair. Wouldn’t it be a bigger story if a French President DIDN’T have a mistress?

The Unholy Trinity at CVS: Christmas clearance candy next to Valentine’s Day candy. And yes you got it, some actual Easter candy.

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To close a bridge or not to close a bridge.

January 9, 2014

Silver lining for those who Chris Christie threw under the bus this morning? Have heard the Governor has also arranged for that bus to be stopped in traffic.

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–Wonder how long it will take others in GOP to turn on Christie over #Bridgegate. Expect to hear Mitt Romney express sympathy for all those families caught on the #GWB with their dogs on the roof.

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Okay, if Governor Chris Christie’s office closed a bridge over a meaningless endorsement from a small town N.J. mayor, got to wonder, what don’t we know about that they did to people who REALLY p*ssed them off?

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Okay, over-under on how long it will take someone to offer fired Chris Christie aide Bridget Kelly real money for a tell-all book?
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Chris Christie defenders say the NJ Governor is telling the truth and who has time to micro-manage a bunch of potentially over-zealous staffers when you are running a state. Of course the same folks would say of Obama that he was either lying or painfully isolated and/or disconnected from his job.

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Chris Christie in his press conference today “I am who I am, but I am not a bully.” Might have been better to say, “Actually, I CAN be a bully and anyone who doesn’t think we need a bully sometimes in Washington hasn’t been paying attention.”

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Legalized marijuana is apparently so popular in Colorado that stores can’t keep it in stock. Who says there’s no demand for “Made-in-America” products?

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This New Jersey “bridgegate” would never happen in California. Not saying Gov. Jerry Brown couldn’t be vindictive. But if he did something to cause traffic problems in say, Los Angeles, who would notice? #247gridlock

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There’s always room for bipartisan humor on the bus to hell.  Passed along by my friend Laura  –  “Best comment on the Christie bridge scandal: “Well he certainly wouldn’t be the first politician in that part of the country in a scandal involving a bridge and a dead woman.”

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After being stopped twice for going over MPH, Yasiel Puig says he has now hired a cousin to drive him around. Which is good news. As long as the cousin isn’t the one who taught Puig how to drive in the first place.

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LeBron James says he has been mentoring Johnny Manziel for months. Maybe it’s been working – at least when Johnny Football chose to leave Texas A & M he didn’t schedule an ESPN special to announce his decision.

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The Washington Nationals Adam LaRoche posted a picture of himself with a dead mountain lion around his shoulders that he had just shot. Guessing this man is pretty sure he never wants another free agent offer from San Francisco.

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From Marc Ragovin ” ome politicians have called Dennis Rodman’s embrace of North Korean dictator Kim Jung-on to be treasonous.  Hmmm.  Looks like The Worm has turned.”

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Scarlett Johansson on “The Daily Show” talking about her role in “Her” (where she plays a Siri-like phone voice a man falls in love with) said: “There’s a lot of advantages to not having a body, actually.” And millions of women hearing her say that are just thinking “Oh, STFU!'”

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Am tired of all the baseball writers who have turned HOF voting into a morality play. But if it’s REALLY about steroids, how do you justify a vote for Tom Glavine, who was the NL player union rep. during much of the steroid era, and fought hard against PED testing. –

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Tough baseball question of the night, and answering publicly is optional. Imagine it was up to you. Your team could win a World Series, but it would require that you picked up a player using a new, illegal but undetectable, PED. He would carry the team all season and become the Series MVP. Do you say yes, or take the high road and turn the player down.

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Bridgegate to the 21st century?

January 9, 2014

Now that it appears lanes on the George Washington Bridge were closed out of spite for the Fort Lee,mayor not endorsing Chris Christie, the Governor has responded that he was “outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only was I misled by a member of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge.” Sounds like Christie is already at Presidential level buck-passing.

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What’s more amazing about “Bridgegate”   – that N.J. Governor’s Chris Christie’s office was petty enough to cause a traffic jam over a meaningless endorsement? 

Or that they were stupid enough to joke about it in traceable emails.

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Fort Lee, NJ, Mayor Sokolich on “Bridgegate”: “How low can you go … congratulations, you’ve just made New Jersey the brunt of every political joke for the next 25 years.” On a brighter note for Chris Christie’s office, they just received a “Thank you” bouquet from Florida.

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Maddux, Glavine, Thomas. And baseball writers kick the cream and the clear down the road.

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Actually, if the criteria is being absolutely above suspicion as far as steroids – and the Big Hurt did play during that “era”, the only sure modern HOF players should be Tim Wakefield and Jamie Moyer.

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Dennis Rodman has apologized for remarks he made in North Korea about captured American missionary Kenneth Bae, saying he was drunk.  So who knew, what Rodman might really want is someday to run for mayor of Toronto.

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Roger Goodell says the NFL is open to expanding the playoffs from 12 to 14, possibly as early as 2015. Will be interesting then to see how the Dallas Cowboys will manage to finish 15th.

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A new CNN study found that many male college athletes in basketball and football only read at an elementary school level. Which might be embarrassing for these young men if they could read the article.

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The Port of Galveston is now charging cruise passengers duty on cigarettes and alcohol purchased during their cruises. It being Texas, no doubt guns can be imported for free.

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Macy’s has announced they lay off 2,500 workers. So can we expect a “One Day Layoff Sale”?

(My friend Pamela suggests “Pink Slip Day.)

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In Utah, a 58 year old woman, due to give birth next month, is serving as a gestational surrogate for her daughter and son-in-law, since her daughter had not been able to sustain a pregnancy. Good for them, but all these folks who talk about “God’s will” and having children…. in this case, “God’s will” was miscarriages. Modern science is the reason this woman is giving birth to her own grandchild.

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Column enhancing drugs?

January 8, 2014

Really? Ken Gurnick of MLB.com says he did not vote for Greg Maddux on the Hall of Fame ballot, because he’s excluding everyone from the steroid era. So Gurnick thinks it’s potential PED’s that got Maddux’s stuff to break 80 mph?

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Just wondering how many of these holier-than-thou sportswriters have ever used anything illegal when they were on deadline?

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Ratings for the Packers-49ers game were the highest ever for a NFL wild card game, presumably because viewers are fascinated to watch players in cold weather. Well, heck, forget the Super Bowl in somewhere “moderate” like New York, put it in Regina, Saskatchewan (where the Canadian Grey Cup was played.) Lowest temperature this weekend with wind chill, -53C.

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Brent Musberger introduced himself last night as Kirk Herbstreit. Apparently reading the wrong cue card. Well, for those who worry Musberger is getting too old… at least he can still read.

 

While A.J. McCarron seems like a polite young man, his mother posted this tweet during Jameis Winston’s post BCS championship news conference- “Am I listening to English?” Guessing mom hasn’t spent a lot of time hanging around her son’s teammates.

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Wonder how long it will take before someone adopts #polarvortex as their stripper name?

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Over 500 travelers ended up stranded last night on Amtrak trains stuck in the snow near Chicago. If this had happened with a major U.S. airline, they’d all have been charged a sleeper surcharge.

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A new study from Boston Children’s Hospital concluded that student athletes should avoid both sports activity and schoolwork after head injuries.  Responded many football players “schoolwork?”

From Jim Barach on the same subject “A study says that student athletes need to take a break from school after getting a concussion. Isn’t taking a break from school work the whole point of becoming a student athlete in the first place?”

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Mountain Dew flavored Cheetos are now available in Japan. Actually, they should sell the snacks in Colorado and Washington, because I’m guessing you need to be really stoned before those sound good.

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Rumor has it that Lane Kiffin will become Nick Saban’s new offensive coordinator. As if we didn’t have enough reasons to hate Alabama.

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So much for the mystery of how he was stupid enough to get caught in the first place: A man escaped from a minimum security prison in Kentucky on Sunday, just before the coldest day of the year, with no money or outerwear. On Monday, with the temperature near 0, and wind chill -20, he asked a motel clerk to call the police so he could turn himself in.

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers are fighting to get his pension back (which his wife could then use), under the arguments that the law requiring sexual abusers to forfeit pensions was enacted after he was hired, and besides, the former coach was technically “retired” at the time of his crimes. Isn’t there any way to put this guy in prison general population?

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Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant Emily Maynard is now engaged for the fourth time. (To be fair, her first fiance died.) And millions of men across America find this as interesting as some of their wives find the BCS standings.

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One of the more amusing things, (and yes, I find the Batchelor/Bachelorette shows amusing in small doses) about the initial episode is these women sobbing about how they knew it was right, and they were so invested in “the journey”, and they knew the guy about 10 minutes.

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Billionaire Longhorns Red McCombs called the hiring of Louisville head coach Charlie Strong a “kick in the face. Adding I don’t have any doubt that Charlie is a fine coach. I think he would make a great position coach, maybe a coordinator. But I don’t believe (he belongs at) what should be one of three most powerful university programs in the world right now at UT-Austin.” Is McCombs angling for a guest appearance on “Duck Dynasty?”

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Oh, dear.

January 7, 2014

49ers coach Jim Harbaugh today compared Colin Kaepernick to a gazelle. Is that really the right metaphor to use when your next opponent is the Panthers?

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Upon further reflection with that Chiefs-Colts matchup, the only person who could have stopped Andrew Luck taking over that game late was David Shaw.

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Jim Harbaugh said after yesterday’s 49ers-Packers game, that the “greatest catcher of all time, Michael Crabtree, catches everything.” The “greatest catcher of all time?” Uh, not even the greatest “catcher” in recent history with the 49ers.

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The latest battle in Washington is over long-term unemployment benefits, and many in the GOP are against reintroducing them. Although you do wonder how some in Congress can rail with a straight face against unemployed Americans who have accomplished nothing in six months.

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Proving that all the stupidity in the world is not caused by testosterone poisoning. A New Hampshire girl is recovering after she got stuck for 15 minutes to a flag pole after licking it during a blizzard.

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Madonna posted an Instagram picture of her 13-year-old son holding a bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin. Looks like the apple isn’t going to stagger far from the tree.

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You would think if any team in the US knew to put some fast defenders on their kicking team it would be Auburn. #ownmedicine #AUBvsFSU

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So for the first time in 8 years, an SEC team is not the BCS champion.   Something that no doubt will be addressed by the conference putting 2 or 3 teams in next year’s playoffs.

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Pasadena police have to be relieved. They don’t have to stand guard over their palms to prevent the trees being rolled.

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With the story of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos being airlifted off a cruise ship, kidney stones are in the news. With one story saying “they are more painful than childbirth.” Just guessing that quote comes from a man.

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The new Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 is expected to cost $75,000. And that’s before speeding tickets.

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Stay classy! Gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly has a commercial out dismissing the idea of a Republican “War on Women”. It features Jennifer Kerns, his female campaign manager saying “The war on women was started by consultants.” And Kerns mentions “Chappaquiddick” as an example of a real war on women. Guessing even much of the GOP is appalled, although no doubt there are others who wonder if they can blame Chappaquiddick on Obama.

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Cold Comfort Field.

January 6, 2014

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Photo taken 90 minutes before kickoff?   Are these fans brave, or certifiable?

As my friend Scott R. says. “It was so cold, Erin Andrews had clothes on.”

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So okay, moving forward:  If SF beats Carolina, and New Orleans beats Seattle, then the NFC championship will be at Candlestick. Which means for a week all 49ers fans are welcome on the Saints bandwagon. We’ve got beads. #Geauxsaints

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Thought after watching the Packers-49ers. When the refs are in “let them play” mode, it’s amazing how the missed calls are only the plays that go against YOUR team. #SFvsGB

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Nissan commercial “Fantasy, do not attempt. Cars can’t jump on trains.” Really?! And how many viewers just had their bucket list dreams dashed?

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Saddest people who watched Sunday’s Bengals meltdown against the Chargers?  (Other than fans in Cincinnati?)  Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

 

But good line from my friend T.C.  “Pittsburgh Steelers fans are just elated that Andy Reid can “sit” his entire team next Sunday.” #byeweeksareoverrated

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Dennis Rodman finally recruited some former NBA players to play an exhibition game in North Korea. Well, it could be the adventure of a lifetime? Or if they win, at least the last adventure of their lifetimes.

 

Now it appears that the story about Kim Jong-Un having his uncle fed to 120 starving dogs may have originated with an Onion-like satiric tweet. But if it’s not true, the North Korean leader may be well thinking “Thanks for the idea.”

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A Delta flight slipped off the runway today and was stuck in the snow for an hour. Coming soon, an airline snow tire fee?

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The NFL at its finest. Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch was fined $50,000 last week — for not talking. The league requires players talk to the media, and Lynch hadn’t done so all season, which the NFL didn’t find out about until he briefly spoke to reporters this week. Have to wonder, how many fines might Marshawn have had if he shot off his mouth every week?

 

In the NFC, the 3 and 4 are gone, the 5 and 6 play on. Who seeded this conference, the BCS?

 

So after starting a war within the GOP and even her own family, Liz Cheney is dropping out of the Wyoming Senate race she only entered six months ago. Wonder how long it will take her aborted campaign to get an endorsement from Sarah Palin?

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Saints be praised.

January 5, 2014

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1 and 5 on the road in the playoffs never felt so good. #GeauxSaints! #coolBrees

New Orleans would like to thank the SF 49ers again for beating the Arizona Cardinals and sending the Saints to Philadelphia.

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Only a playoff game in Green Bay tomorrow could get announcers to refer to 20 degree weather in Philadelphia as “balmy.”

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Darren Sproles does pretty well for a guy who makes Tim Lincecum look like a real Giant. #Geauxsaints
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Watching the Saints play well against a red-hot Eagles outdoors in Philadelphia, maybe Kyle Orton with that last interception last weekend just saved Cowboys fans an expensive and painful game today.
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Think I speak for a lot of women, especially moms, in America when I say “Awesome comeback Andrew #Luck,” now can you go shave?

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But watching that Immaculate Recovery – the fumble Andrew Luck recovered for a TD, have to wonder, did God get tired of waiting for some team to sign Tebow, and decide to become a Colts fan?

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Three interceptions and four touchdowns. Andrew Luck basically had the NFL equivalent of Bob Brenly’s September 14, 1986 game at Candlestick.

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So when the Colts won, did the 1993 Houston Oilers pop champagne?’

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Kirk Cousins said that RGIII will have input into choosing the next Washingon Redskins coach. Sounds like good news. For the rest of the the NFC East.

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Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos was evacuated from the Galapagos Islands by an Ecuadorian navy helicopter due to kidney stones. Wonder if this was covered with Amazon Prime?

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Go figure. the NFL has assigned Jeff Triplette to be the referee for the Chargers-Bengals playoff game. This after a year where Triplette messed up the downs in the Dec. 1 Giants-Redskins game, and incorrectly called a touchdown for Cincinnati – upon review – against the Colts the following week. Maybe the league figures the game won’t be close without a few missed calls?

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Jameis Winston has designs on being another Bo Jackson “if I can convince those guys I can be your quarterback and still go play baseball for the Atlanta Braves or New York Yankees” Uh, leaving the difficulty of two sports aside, does Winston have any idea he might be the QB of say, the Buccaneers, and have his only chance to play baseball for say, the Astros?

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NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo apparently will legalize medical marijuana by executive order. This should be great news for 7-11.

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Steven Seagal says he is considering a run for Arizona governor. Your move, Florida.

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Great joke from my friend Gary Bachman:  “It’s so cold that a woman went into labor while jogging and her ice broke.”

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What’s in a name?

January 2, 2014

Kate Winslet will not give her baby son “Bear” her husband’s last name, which is (legally) “RocknRoll. He will be known as Bear Winslet “Of course we’re not going to call (him) RocknRoll. People might judge all they like, but I’m a (bleeping) grown-up.” And she said it with a (bearly?) straight face

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“Gosh it’s so sad seeing Nick Saban lose” said no one in 49 states. (And in Alabama, no one in Auburn.).

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ESPN headline “Jadeveon Clowney ready to make impact in the NFL.”. Considering his being caught twice over 100 mph let’s hope that impact isn’t in a vehicle.

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Can’t imagine how airlines get the reputation for unfriendly pricing. United Airlines has started offering “Premium Wines” by the glass in their United Club at the airport. Like Mark West Pinot Noir at $13. Average retail price for a BOTTLE of the wine as of today – $10, discounted as low as $6.99.

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On Monday, Vikings LB Erin Henderson talked about his DUI arrest Nov. 19 and said “You start to learn a lot about yourself when things can go wrong or bad, if you’re willing to try to learn, if you’re willing to look in the mirror and figure things out. And I think I was able to do that.” On Wednesday, Henderson was arrested again for DUI. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking that’s a slow learning curve.

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Disappointing to fly back from the Rose Bowl after a Stanford loss. On the other hand, Palo Alto, sunny today with a high of 70. East Lansing, snowy today with a high of 14.

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Maybe just maybe David Shaw kept running up the middle in yesterday’s Rose Bowl because he figured MSU would think Stanford couldn’t possibly be crazy enough to keep doing it and would guess “pass”?

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Over 90,000 attendees at the 2014 Rose Bowl. And only one of them thought Stanford would eventually succeed running up the middle. Unfortunately for Cardinal fans, that one was their coach.

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Mayor Rob Ford has filed papers to run for re-election. Not sure about the citizens of Toronto, but this is excellent news for comedy writers.

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Why there is no satire: A man who won a contest last year to meet the cast of “Breaking Bad” back in September has been arrested on drug charges. (Yeah, you guessed the state. And no, not New Mexico.)

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The next GOP strategy to overturn Obamacare will apparently be to focus on potential security issues with the website. Eric Cantor is saying that Americans shouldn’t have to worry “if they can trust the government to inform them when their personal information — entered into a government mandated website — has been compromised.” Right, on the other hand if banks, stores or social media compromise personal data, well, that’s just a risk of capitalism.

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And in the comedy comes from pain department, Dwight Perry liked one of yesterday’s Rose Bowl jokes.  It’s a great Seattle Times sports humor column.  http://seattletimes.com/html/sidelinechatter/2022586190_chatter03xml.html

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Chilly roses.

January 1, 2014

Tomorrow morning in Pasadena, forecasters are saying it might not quite make it to 60 degrees for the Rose Parade. And in most of the rest of the U.S., folks are thinking ‘Oh, STFU.”

 

In D-1 men’s basketballl, Southern University started with an 44-0 lead, and ending up beating Champion Baptist College 116-12. Down in the SEC, teams immediately started phoning Champion Baptist to see if they have a football team

 

Many NFL teams including the Packers have several thousand tickets available for their weekend playoff games. Wonder if the NFL would dare a playoff blackout?

 

 

Caroline Wozniacki and Rory McIlroy are engaged. Wishing them a happy marriage, but if not it could be a great experiment in genetic engineering.

 

 

So Johnny Manziel can end his college career on a high note. “F*ck yeah. All we needed was two interceptions in the 4th quarter to beat DUKE.?”

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Tim Tebow, signed as an ESPN college analyst, says he is still training five days a week and hopes to return to the NFL.  Seems as likely a chance as…

 

A..most SEC players graduating

B…the Redskins returning to relevance in the NFL

C. hell freezing over.

D. All of the above.

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Why you always want to run a few steps past the finish line. Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ single season passing record of 5476 yards Sunday by one yard. Then sat the rest of the game. Now it turns out that one pass may be rules a lateral, leaving him 6 yards short.

( NFL update from their official statistician, the Elias Sports Bureau  “the determination … is that the fairest resolution is for the ruling of the on-site stats crew to stand.”  Translation. “We screwed up, but hey, what’s a record that could have been broken later in the game, as opposed to officiating mistakes causing teams to miss the playoffs.”)

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Now a 2009 video has emerged of Phil Robertson saying you should marry girls “when they are about 15 or 16.” But “you need to check with mom and dad about that of course”. Ah, family values.

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First the security breach on credit cards, now apparently Target is reporting some shoppers are having problems using their gift cards. Beginning to think beyond discounting prices Target is using discounted computer programmers.

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On MSNBC, host Melissa Harris-Perry, who is African-American, is facing criticism and has apologized after she and other panelists joked about Mitt and Ann Romney’s Christmas card. The photo featured the Romney’s over 20 grandchildren including a recently-adopted African-American infant. Where are the “Duck Dynasty” supporters screaming about freedom of speech?

 

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And finally on a bipartisan note to friends and readers and those who are both.  “Happy New Year. May your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.”

 

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Another five bite the dust

December 31, 2013

Five NFL coaches fired already as of  today. They’re dropping faster than Taylor Swift’s boyfriends.

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Dwayne Wade recently became a father for the third time. But not with the fiancee he proposed to last week. The baby was conceived while he and Gabrielle Union were “on a break.” Kind of explains the 8.5 carat engagement ring. (Wonder if Dwayne got it from Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.)

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Bus to hell time:  Mack Brown’s final game as coach of the Longhorns was Monday’s bowl in San Antonio. And Oregon’s 30-7 win was somehow fitting. Don’t Texans always get slaughtered at the Alamo?

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Temperature in Green Bay Monday, -19. So “who’s got it better than us?”  might refer to whoever sells long thermal underwear to the SF 49ers team and staff.

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Wonder how many people who were traveling or otherwise busy Sunday saw the ESPN headline “Cowboys lose on late pick” and thought “Wow, so Romo was able to play after all?”

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Mike Shanahan was fired Monday morning as coach of the Washington Redskins. An announcement almost as surprising as Brian Boitano coming out as gay.

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The city of NY is suing FedEx Corp for $52 million in fines and taxes, saying the company illegally delivered millions of untaxed cigarettes from an Indian reservation to customers. While we’re on the subject of smokers, should be an interesting year for FedEx shipments from Colorado and Washington….

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On January 1, Colorado will legalize marijuana sales. But pot will still be banned at Denver International Airport. Bummer. That might have been one way to keep travelers mellow with TSA, boarding and luggage issues etc.

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Two suicide bombings yesterday in Volgograd, Russia, only 400 miles from Sochi. And suddenly Vladimir Putin is thinking an Olympics marred only by gay rights protests doesn’t sound too bad.

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A “Price is Right” contestant was thrilled to be the show’s biggest winner ever – winning an Audi R8 black convertible worth $157,300. Do wonder how thrilled she’ll be when she gets the tax bill…..

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Applebee’s Times Square branch is offering a $375 per person New Year’s Eve dinner and party. Which includes food and drink but not a view of the ball drop. $375 for Applebee’s? That’s about as good a value as 50 yard-line tickets for the Washington Redskins.

Miley Cyrus will perform on ABC’s “Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve.”  Wonder how many Americans New Year’s resolutions will include not watching her.

Following on the Target news, now it looks like hackers have swiped credit card information from NY and SF sandwich chain ‘wichcraft. This latest breach occurred between Aug. and Oct. of this year. What’s scarier though… how many of these breaches do we not know about? (yet)

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A recent Pew poll found that only 43% of Republicans believe in evolution, down from 54% in 2009. And 48% believe that “all living things have existed in their present form since the beginning of time.” Would love to be a fly on the wall when these folks take their kids to commie pinko places like the Museum of Natural History….

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or as my friend Jerry Perisho says   “One-third of Americans reject evolution. What a bunch of Neanderthals!”

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Romo, romo, where art thou, romo?

December 30, 2013

Image

Thanks to Jeff Klein for the picture.

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And thanks to Kyle Orton for the great fourth quarter Tony Romo imitation.

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If consistency is a virtue than the #Cowboys are a truly Godlike team. #eliminatedagain   (Three .500 seasons in a row.)

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Cowboys should have put in Jon Kitna?

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But worst of all for Cowboys fans?  They face the additional heartbreak of not being able to blame it on Tony Romo.

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Congrats to the Chargers. But if it takes a missed 41 yard FG , (and a missed defensive penalty on the attempt) , and then an OT FG to win against a KC Chiefs team that rested 7 starters including their QB…. well, thinking their SD fans might not have to worry about tickets for week 2 of the playoffs.

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Drew Brees, 381 passing yards. Peyton Manning. 266 passing yards. Each with 4 TD passes in the first half. Brees added a rushing TD in the second. Unlikely they both make it to Metlife, but if so and the game isn’t played in a blizzard, might be the highest Super Bowl total score in history.

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Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ NFL record for most passing yards in a single season (5,476) today in Oakland. Should the record have an asterisk since it was against the Raiders?

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Rex Ryan and Geno Smith will apparently both be back with the NY Jets next year. Not sure if this will be good news for Jets fans, but it should be for comedy writers.

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Detroit finished off their late season collapse on a consistent note, with their 4th loss of the month (and 6th in their last 7 games.) This December these Lions couldn’t have even beat the Christians.

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The Redskins are expected to fire Mike Shanahan after today’s game. Thereby creating a job opening with the approximate same chance of success as mediating peace in the Middle East.

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So have to wonder, if “Paula’s Best Dishes” and “Paula’s Home Cooking” had the ratings “Duck Dynasty” has, would Paula Deen still have her TV gig?

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A man who was mugged in Central Park this weekend that the mugger took money, but looked disgustedly at his flip phone, and gave it back to him. Yet another reason to carry, if not a flip phone, a Blackberry.

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Kanye West apparently told fans at his Toronto concert this weekend that he plans to keep his opinions to himself for a while. “Might be another, like, six months. At least. You’re just gonna have to run back the interviews and s–t if you wanna hear some realness.” Promise?

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Not faster than a speeding patrol car?

December 29, 2013

Yasiel Puig was arrested this morning on a reckless driving charge for driving 110 mph on Alligator Alley (I-75) in Florida. (Puig had similar charges dismissed earlier this year by doing community service.) Women are thinking “110 mph. Wow. he’s going to get hurt or kill someone.” Men are thinking “110 mph. Wow. Wonder what he drives?”

 

One good thing for the Dodgers to come out of Puig’s arrest today in Florida. At least they know that with Los Angeles traffic there’s no way to get up to 110 mph anywhere near Dodger Stadium.

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Not faster than a speeding cheetah either…. an animal Darwin award:   A wild deer, presumably from nearby Rock Creek Park, apparently jumped into the cheetah enclosure at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. A spokeswoman called the result “a normal and expected reaction.” (And presumably a savings in this week’s meat bill.) The zoo added that there were no witnesses, other than the cheetahs.

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Notre Dame RB George Atkinson was suspended from the Pinstripe Bowl, and tweeted “For those of you who are wondering I was suspended from today’s game for texting friends and family during team meal.” The tweet was then deleted. Wonder how long he’ll be suspended for posting it….

(although for much of the game against Rutgers, which ended up 29-16 but was close in the first half, most of the Fighting Irish looked as if they wished they had been suspended.)

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Wonder if Atkinson thought about the excuse of texting a dying girlfriend?

 

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Marijuana will be legal in Colorado in three days. Talk about High Holy Days…

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A couple from Andalusia, AL just named their newborn daughter Krimson Tyde. Going to be ugly if she grows up and goes to Auburn.

(My friend Michael D. suggests, why not just call her Menstrual Flo and get it over with?)

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers suspended Andrew Bynum for “conduct detrimental to the team.” And fans of the 6-23 Milwaukee Bucks are thinking “Can you do that to the whole team?”

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Police arrested a Charleston, SC woman for domestic abuse after she allegedly injured her husband by hitting and stabbing him with a ceramic squirrel. Apparently she was angry that he came home Christmas Eve without the beer she had sent him to buy. Wonder if the couple had moved to Charleston from Florida?

 

Southwest Airlines announced they are pulling out of Key West, Branson and Jackson on June 6, 2014. Translation, other airlines are raising their fares to those cities June 7, 2014.

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And the winner might be?

December 28, 2013

Alas, too late in the year to qualify for the 2013 Darwin voting. In Bali, a security guard volunteered to catch a 15 ft-Python on the grounds of the Hyatt, which is closed for renovation. He got the snake by the head ahd tail and put it around his shoulders. Whereupon the python promptly strangled him.

 

Shin-Soo Choo at today’s press conference in Arlington was asked why he was drawn to Texas. He said he “was looking for a winning team — that is the most important thing for him and his career.” Right. Choo must have been dazzled by all those World Series trophies..

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Tony Romo  had season-ending back surgery Friday. So looks like his season will be 1 game shorter than that of his Cowboys teammates.

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With Tony Romo out, and math teacher Jon Kitna suited up on the sidelines, this means we are one hard hit on Kyle Orton away from a possible Disney movie….

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In Argentina on Christmas Day, about 70 people were injured, non-fatally, when they were attacked at a beach by a swam of piranhas. Has the made-for-tv movie started filming yet? #Piranhanado?

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When Jadeveon Clowney was stopped for going 84 mph in a 55 zone, he was 6 miles from the stadium – where his South Carolina team was leaving for the airport “in three minutes.” Assuming this guy survives to sign with an NFL team, maybe his contract can include a car and driver and a clock?

 

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A California man pleaded guilty today to a federal terrorism charge after using Facebook to connect with Al Qaeda. How dumb are crooks? Not sure how long it might have taken NSA to catch him but FB probablly took about five minutes to show the guy ads for weapons, bombs, flights out of the country..

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Some complicated permutations with the NFL playoffs depending on the Sunday’s results. But to be fair, some of those potential upsets are as likely as the Sacramento Kings beating the Miami Heat….

 

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So the NFL just said that Peyton Manning’s 50th TD pass against the Houston Texans, which tied Tom Brady’s mark for most TD’s in a season, shouldn’t have counted because it was really an incomplete pass. And this matters because Brady has never received the benefit of the doubt from the officials….

 

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About 10 days ago Target said 40 million customers MAY have had their credit and debit cards impacted. Originally this was between Black Friday and December 6. Then December 15. Then they were definitely impacted. But it wasn’t PINS. Now it’s PINs but they were encrypted, so it shouldn’t be a problem….. So heck, let’s scream again about government intrusion and praise the private sector.

 

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So let me get this straight. “Duck Dynasty,” is a reality show about a large conservative redneck family in Louisiana, who are serious about prayer and guns. Not probably a favorite amongst liberals in the first place. Then the patriarch is suspended over un-PC statements which I’d guess a large percent of their audience had no problem with. Much outrage from fans resulted. And now Robertson is back, and no doubt ratings will skyrocket. Can’t imagine how any one might think this was a publicity stunt.

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So now that Phil Robertson is back on “Duck Dynasty”, who’s going to be the next reality TV star to try to jump start their ratings by saying something offensive? Should we start a pool?

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:   The NFL says they are prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope reportedly sent the league a tweet “Don’t even think about Easter.”

 

(another day for the Super Bowl?  Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have a new prop bet.)

The NFL is prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope sent a tweet that read, ‘Don’t even think about Easter’. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/318968/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-December-27-2013-Edition-451#sthash.c456aNZL.dpuf

The NFL is prepared to move the Super Bowl to another day if snow threatens the game. The Pope sent a tweet that read, ‘Don’t even think about Easter’. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/318968/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-December-27-2013-Edition-451#sthash.c456aNZL.dpuf

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All boxed up?

December 26, 2013

Today is Boxing Day in the United Kingdom. And wonder how many folks in the U.S. are thinking “Boxing? Is that because they don’t have guns for “‘Shooting Day?”

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And in California, home of the “10 cents for even a lousy paper bag” law,  people hear ” Boxing Day” and think “Are they charging for a cardboard box next?”

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The story from Dallas is that Tony Romo is in “no condition to practice.’. And Cowboys fans are thinking “that never stopped him from playing.”

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But If it is better to give than receive then this year the Detroit Lions are the best team in the NFL

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So while stores don’t open until December 26 in the morning, many retailers started online sales Christmas night.  So unlike Thanksgiving where folks could abandon their relatives to head to the mall, this December 25 they could simply ignore them with a tablet or smartphone.

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A UPS backlog means that many Americans didn’t get the Christmas gift deliveries they had been promised. .  And now the story is out that FedEx also had problems. Sort of gives you a new appreciation for reindeer.

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On Christmas Eve, Justin Bieber tweeted, “My beloved beliebers I’m officially retiring.” And millions of Americans went “Thank you Santa.”

 

Evelyn Lozada, who was on “Basketball Wives” as the fiancee of Antoine Walker, and who was married to Ochocinco for 2 months, has now announced she is engaged to Carl Crawford, who is the father of her unborn baby. Clearly this is all the fault of society disintegrating because of gay marriage.

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Dear Gawd. Edward “Enough about me, let’s talk about me” Snowden, appeared in a new videotaped interview bemoaning that “a child born today will never have a private moment.” Uh, maybe unless that child does something now revolutionary like paying cash, or simply  living a moment off line and away from camera phones?

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Pope Francis today, asking everyone, including people of other religions and “even non-believers” to desire peace. Although looking at much of the strife in the world today with various religious factions, the “non-believers’ are not the problem.

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For whom the Stick tolls

December 24, 2013

Mike Tirico’s ESPN sign off after MNF tonight “What a great night to say farewell to Candlestick Park, perhaps the last game played at this great stadium.” At this great stadium? Uh, did someone check the brownies in the SF press box?

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Boise State QB Joe Southwick, dismissed from the team and sent home before the Hawaii Bowl, took a polygraph test to prove he was unfairly accused of peeing off a hotel balcony. He says he only watched others do it. (Of course, considering the probable amount of alcohol involved, is it possible Southwick just doesn’t remember?)

(and just imagine how thrilled folks were who spent a lot of money on a Hawaii vacation must have been to stay in that same hotel.)

Uh oh. Steve Martin sent out a racially offensive joke on Twitter.com Although he has apologized. Should we boycott SNL reruns? I don’t think they sell his merchandise at Cracker Barrel….

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Here’s a bipartisan simple idea for solving the whole offensive comment issue. If an ENTERTAINER says something that really offends you – don’t watch their show. And if you are really unhappy, don’t patronize their advertisers. But doesn’t living in a free country mean that people are free to be idiots?

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Former Dallas WR Michael Irvin said yesterday “I don’t know if anybody has less talent than the Dallas Cowboys, now.” And both the Houston Texans and Washington Redskins responded, “Who are we, chopped liver?”

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Lions head coach Jim Schwartz was unhappy hearing boos from the Detroit fans towards the end of yesterday’s game. Well, he probably won’t be hearing them next year.

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Junior Jerian Grant, Notre Dame’s leading men’s basketball scorer, had to leave the school and the team for the rest of the season “due to an academic manner that [he] did not handle properly.” At Kentucky they are asking “What is an “academic matter?”

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Kate Winslet named her newborn son “Bear.” Well, either she wants him to grow up and coach at Alabama, or the actress believes in full employment for child psychologists.

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According to ESPN Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo will miss the rest of the season with a back injury. Bummer. This is the equivalent of Santa giving a lump of coal to comedy writers.

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If they’re going to have challenges and instant replay in the NFL, why not allow a challenge as to whether or not a penalty should have been called. Seen way too many games this year turn on either a bad call or a bad non-call. #Missingreplacementrefs

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The Winter of our Discontent?

December 23, 2013

Pope Francis apparently warned Vatican administrators that they need to focus on service instead of bureaucratic squabbling. Can the Pope come over here and give that message to Congress?

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If football was like hockey, a three-period game, the #DetroitLions would be printing playoff tickets.

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Who’d a thunk this one. The NFC North is actually making the NFC East look decent.

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So did that many people who were offended by Phll Robertson’s comments ever watch #DuckDynasty in the first place?

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ESPN reports that their is “concern internally” that entire Dallas Cowboys coaching staff may be fired after the season. After yet another year dealing with Jerry Jones, is it concern or hope?

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Both the #NYJets and #NYGiants win on the same day. Hoping we don’t see any more signs of a coming apocalypse.

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Rex Ryan reportedly told his team Saturday night that he was getting fired. Sunday the Jets beat the Browns 24-13. Not sure if the players were trying to bolster their coach or if they were celebrating.

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Can understand how some Native Americans feel insulted by a team with a “Redskins” nickname, but the way this season is going have to assume a lot of ranchers are equally insulted by “Cowboys.”

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The New Orleans Saints on Sunday once again proved that the number one oxymoron in football is the “prevent defense.”

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Republicans are now trying to argue against Obamacare by saying it will saddle young people with the medical expenses of older, sicker Americans. Uh, as if they aren’t already paying with Medicare?

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Justine Sacco, the former IAC PR executive who was fired over an insensitive and stupid tweet about AIDS wrote a long careful apology and sent it to a South African paper. Shame she didn’t think about the original Twitter message one-tenth as long as she did about the apology.

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Texas A&M suspended freshman linebacker Darian Claiborne following his arrest on two drug possession charges. And Aggie fans are thinking “at least Johnny Manziel wasn’t with him.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “What is that saying??? Does a bear shit in the woods, or does a Bear play like shit in Philadelphia?”

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