Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

The Heat is gone.

June 13, 2011

Is it just me, or does Callista Gingrich make Cindy McCain look relaxed and natural?

–

Silver lining for the Miami Heat? After the team’s disappointing and at times childish performances when it was clear they felt entitled to a ring, they’ve all been offered a spot on next year’s “the Bachelorette.”

–

Another silver lining, for the Heat,  while the Dallas Mavericks get the White House visit with Obama, all the crying and whining has earned Miami a private invitation from John Boehner.

–

Anyone who doesn’t believe in evolution clearly hasn’t seen Dirk Nowitzki.

–

I think if JFK were alive he might say to all Americans north of Fort Lauderdale “Ich bein ein Maverick.”

–

‎24,000 or so emails released from Sarah Palin’s time as Governor of Alaska, and so far nothing ridiculously embarrassing. Which illustrates one point – even the dumbest women seem to be smarter about electronic communication than men.

–

Speaking of electronic stupidity, apparently Lebron James refers to himself as “King James” in texts.  Open note to Lebron and any other athlete  – before you refer to yourself as royalty, it’s a good idea to actually win a crown first.

–

Actual Stanford Psychology PhD thesis title: “Using counterfactual transgressions to secure a moral identity.”. “Counterfactual transgressions” – I see a new political buzzphrase coming on.

–

Also from Stanford commencement –  Mexican President Felipe Calderon was the keynote speaker.  His speech lasted 18 minutes.  Or as Joe Biden would call it, perfect timing for good introductory remarks. 

—

Suggested by my son’s friend Zev – “Who’s happier tonight?” Fans in Dallas, or in Cleveland?

–

Actually there’s one unhappy man in Dallas –  Jerry Jones.   The Mavericks win a championship,  the Rangers win the American League championship.  And the Cowboys….   Hey, how about that impressive job Dallas did in hosting the last Super Bowl in their new stadium?   Oops, never mind.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Rehab express:

June 12, 2011

After his confession Monday, Anthony Weiner announced Saturday that he has requested a leave of absence from Congress while he enters rehab at an undisclosed location. So congratulations to all those who had “five days” in the pool.

–

And what make Weiner decide to enter rehab?  Repairing his image, redemption, or the chance to meet and tweet Lindsay Lohan?

–

What a guy. Anthony Weiner now says that he did have online contact with a 17-year-old girl but said the communications were “neither explicit nor indecent.” Right, it was just the communications with the other dozen women that were both explicit and indecent.

–

Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Northern California home Thursday night. Apparently he is in stable condition but cannot speak. Guess even God gets to the point sometimes of saying “STFU.”

–

Reporters are pouring through tens of thousands of recently released Sarah Palin emails. Wonder how many of the fundraising ones begin “Dear friend, I am writing to you about an urgent matter of a confidential nature….”

–

Former Trojans and current Seahawk coach Pete Carroll  said that USC’s losing their 2004 was “unfortunate.” Although he added, the “most unfortunate thing … kids that were in junior high at the time, or in grade school, are paying the price for it.” Although Carroll didn’t suggest that NCAA actually punish the guilty – by say, levying serious fines on the coaches….

–

Many viewers thought that “The Bachelorette’s” William’s jokes about insecure Ashley were the most ill-conceived and embarrassing standup routine of the year. But Tracy Morgan just took care of that.

–

Most asked question these days in Washington, D.C., to iPhone customer service. “Uh, so is there a way to recall and delete texts and pictures?”

–

Marc Ragovin’s take on my joke about British royalty:

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, just turned 90, making him the second-longest serving consort of a monarch in history, right behind Stedman Graham.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Titanic?

June 11, 2011

Most of Newt Gringrich’s campaign staff resigned yesterday. One of those rare instances of the crew leaving a sinking rat.

–

The winner of a charity auction to have lunch with Warren Buffett, who spent over $2.6 million on his bid, will get several hours of investment advice from Buffett. Starting with  – “Don’t spend $2.6 million to have lunch with anyone.”

–

A Miami tv station caught Dwyane Wade and Lebron James making fun of Dirk Nowitzki’s sinus infection before game 5. After practice, the two smirked and pretended to cough and wheeze, “Whoa, did y’all hear me cough? I think I’m sick,” Wade said before turning toward James and chuckling. It’s that kind of classy behavior that has made the Heat so beloved across America.

–

Congratulations to Prince Philip, husband of Queen Elizabeth II, on his 90th birthday. Philip is now the longest serving consort of a monarch in British history. Outlasting all of Henry VIII’s wives combined.

–

The Mavericks and Heat don’t play game six until Sunday at 9p eastern, so even with practices the players should have been able to kick back and relax  on Friday and Saturday nights. For Lebron, it should be just like an average fourth quarter.

–

San Francisco Giants are in first place, and won tonight 3-2, despite an almost comical lack of offense. They may not repeat as World Series Champions, but the Giants have an almost certain lock on being named the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

–

The New York Yankees’ star relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain has undergone Tommy John surgery and will be out of the season. For many teams, this would be devastating. For the Yankees, it’s kind of like a really rich woman breaking a Manolo Blanhik shoe heel. Sad, but it’s time for some expensive shopping.

–

Congressman (for now) Weiner wrote a handwritten note to his neighbors: “Please forgive the inconvenience of all the press outside. I am sorry for all I have done that has now impacted you. Hopefully it will soon pass. Anthony” If he’d only done handwritten notes in the first place, there might not be all those press outside.

–

Hillary Clinton is still trying to retire her 2008 presidential campaign debt. So she is raffling off the chance for supporters to have a date for a day in New York with Bill. Responded Anthony Weiner “Hey, I’d have done it for nothing.”

–

And here’s some fun for anyone reading this and bored on the weekend  – What historical event do we want an interviewer to ask Sarah Palin about next?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 7 Comments

Biting the dust.

June 10, 2011

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.

–

Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.

–

The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.

Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.

–

Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.

–

Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?

–

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.

–

How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately?  Mario Mendova, were he still active,  could bat cleanup.

–

An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.

–

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’

–

And yes,  we’re not done with Weiner jokes.  (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)

Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”

Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?

–

Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

No shortage of losers.

June 9, 2011

How bad are the Mets on-field and financial woes? To increase attendance and revenue simultaneously, rumor has it the team is considering offering free beer. But then charging $20 for pay toilets.

–

It’s really hard to win the airline division of the “stupidest public relations mistake of the year.” But Delta is, in charging returning servicemen from Afghanistan $2800 for extra bags, is clearly now the frontrunner.

–

What happened to Vancouver in the last two games of the Stanley Cup playoffs? Eight goals in game three, four goals so far in game four. Roberto Luongo’s goal tending has had more holes than Anthony Weiner’s stories.

–

But really, could Anthony Weiner have made his choices any worse lately?    Other than proclaiming his innocence last week in a one-hour ESPN special?

–

–

It turns out even if he doesn’t resign, Anthony Weiner’s congressional district may be eliminated in next year’s redistricting. Could be the most appropriate Weiner cut since Lorena Bobbitt.

–

Now it turns out that Anthony Weiner’s wife is pregnant. If it’s a girl will they name her Minnie Cocktail Weiner?

–

CNN is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s colleagues are telling him he should resign “to preserve his own dignity.” To mix metaphors, I believe this might be a case of locking the barn door after the weiner is out.

–

The NFL is apparently making contingency plans for an eight game season. Which means the Detroit Lions 2011 slogan might be “Nasty, brutal and short.”

–

So the latest on embattled and now former OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor is that he will play a year in the UFL. Wait until Pryor discovers they won’t be lining up to pay big bucks for him to sign memorabilia for the Las Vegas Locomotives or Florida Tuskers.

–

Ann Coulter was a guest on “the View” today. Guess it’s part of the show’s new policy to try to include more male guests.

–

Lady Gaga’s latest record “Born This Way” will now be available in Lebanon, despite earlier rumors that the album had been banned for being offensive to Christianity. Apparently the Lebanese government decided that Lady Gaga was offensive to most organized religions equally.

–

Presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty says the government shouldn’t have any organizations or services that overlap with the private sector.

And yes, this is the same Pawlenty who pushed hard for using almost $400 million in public funds, (sales tax) to fund the construction of Target Field, the new Minnesota Twins stadium.  Ah, priorities.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

–

More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

–

Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

–

As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

–

Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

–

Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

–

Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

–

But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

–

At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

–

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.

 

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Weiner, weiner, weiner…

June 7, 2011

Sarah Palin says Paul Revere warned the British, Anthony Weiner thinks he can get away with a Twitter hacking story when it’s his “junk.” Somewhere in outer space aliens are reporting “Sorry leader, there’s no intelligent life on that Earth planet.”

 –

Well, there are at least 25 men in New York who are happy today. Because the most embarrassing story in the state is no longer the Mets.

–

Quote today from Anthony Weiner “This was a dumb thing to do.” Might have been the closest thing to a smart statement he’s made lately. (Although, “dumb thing?” Singular? Really?)

–

Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement? I think most Americans would wholeheartedly agree that it’s a very good thing that camera phones and twitter were not around when Bill Clinton was in the White House.

–

–

Mark Jackson, the new Golden State Warriors coach, has no previous head coaching experience, but is an ordained minister at a church in Southern California. Makes sense, to coach the Warriors, plenty of prayer will definitely be required.

–

Open note to all aspiring politicians: Love and lust may fade – but emails and pictures are forever.

–

Mitt Romney said tonight on CNN’s “Piers Morgan Tonight” that having Sarah Palin showing up on the same day as he did in New Hampshire “really didn’t ruin my day.  In a lot of respects it’s the best thing that could happen to me.”

Standby for Mitt’s newest campaign button:  “Mormon > moron”

–

This one is tacky. USC was stripped of their 2004 national football title today. So can we say that like John Edwards, this was a Trojan epic fail?

–

Plaxico Burress was released from jail Monday. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said, “I think he’s learned an awful lot.” For starters, always have someone in your posse carry your gun.

–

Apparently Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are no longer dating. Actually, it’s amazing that Cameron lasted in the love triangle as long as she did….it’s got to be hard to compete with that special relationship between A-Rod and his mirror.

–

Andy Petitte was asked in an ESPN interview if he will pitch again for the Yankees, and responded that he didn’t think so: 

“The only thing that would make me pitch again is if I felt this season was over and I felt that I needed to pray and really consider making a decision about changing what I’m doing right now. If I missed it so much and I felt in my heart like that was the thing I need to do, I would try to start thinking about it and start considering it again.”

“Dude, how about a simple yes or no,” commented Brett Favre.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Nothing but hound dogs…

June 6, 2011

Apparently plea bargain negotiations broke down with John Edwards over prosecutors’ insistence that the former Senator serve some jail time. Edwards apparently wanted “minimal” impact on Emma, 10, and Jack, 12, his “youngest kids.” Uh, John, if they WERE your youngest kids, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

–

Chicago pitcher, Carlos Zambrano,  frustrated after another late inning loss, said of the Cubs,  that it was embarrassing  –  “We are playing like a Triple-A team. ”

There were immediate calls for apologies. From several Triple-A teams.

–

–

Now ex-Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel told people at a rally on his front doorstep that he would “always be a Buckeye,” and that regarding Michigan “Nov. 26th we’re going to kick their ass!” Wonder if he told his former players they could take that to the bank.

–

Rick Reilly wrote a column for ESPN on 20 reasons to root for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA finals. Actually, most Americans just need one reason – they aren’t the Miami Heat.

–

Plaxico Burress will get out of jail Monday after serving 20 months for carrying and firing an illegal gun (at himself, as it turned out) in Manhattan. Rumor has it if the lockout is settled that Burress may end up with Philadelphia. If so, wonder if the Eagles will be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

–

Apparently Plaxico says he has learned his lesson. For starters, someone else in your posse should always carry your gun.

Two 92 year old identical twins, who became friars and lived their entire lives together, died within hours of each other of heart failure. Guess the friars were just tuckered out.

–

Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer just finished a four hour French open finals. “Amateurs,” commented John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.

–

Jon Stewart’s self-described “fake” news show, is now getting better television ratings than Fox News’s regular shows.   Is this a great country or what?

–

Apparently if the NFL lockout is settled, Alex Smith will be the San Francisco 49ers’ 2011 quarterback.  Looks like Jim Harbaugh is serious about trying to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Busted?

June 4, 2011

Fanned by San Franciscos GM Brian Sabean, the controversy continues over the Scott Cousins-Buster Posey collision at home plate. But had Cousins only knocked over Tejada at third, and put Miguel out for the year, Giants fans would be buying Scott drinks.

–

Over the objections of the SEC football coaches, the conference’s school presidents and chancellors voted Friday to reduce the annual signing classes in football to 25 from 28. SEC players were incensed, saying that’s cutting recruits by 1/3.

–

With all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s and John Edward’s illegitimate children, why does everyone use the term “love child?” Wouldn’t “lust child” be more appropriate?

–

The indictment against John Edwards said he spent $925,000 to keep his love child under cover. Jeez, and some people think Planned Parenthood is expensive.

–

The Gores are divorced, John Edwards has been indicted, Trump and Gingrich are on their third wives… Who’d a thunk one of the better political marriages of our time might belong to the Clintons?

–

Joe Montana’s son Nate, 21, who was arrested last year for underage drinking, has now been arrested for DUI in Missoula, where he plays college football. Joe may have hoped his son would end up with the SF 49ers, but these days looks like Nate is heading towards the Cincinnati Bengals.

–

Terrelle Pryor’s godfather and legal guardian told SI that he believes the embattled quarterback will finish his career at Ohio State. Uh, considering the allegations, it might be possible that Pryor HAS finished his career at Ohio State.

–

Losing sympathy fast for NBC  with the NHL finals.  With three days between games even casual fans who were getting the hang of it will forget what icing, offside, etc mean…. 

–

Semi-literary detour:  R.I.P Josephine Hart, 69, a British poet and novelist died of cancer this week. Americans may know her best from the novel/movie “Damage.” With one of the better lines in a work of fiction ever written “”Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive.”

Gary Morton on “Weiner-gate”  Speaking of Weiners, I’m sure Anthony’s getting no sympathy from John Boehner about the pronunciation of his name.

–

But really, is Weiner ever going to shut up and stop digging himself deeper into a whole?  Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

“I’ll play from either side.”

June 3, 2011

A judge in Seattle ruled today that a gay softball league can indeed limit the number of heterosexual players per team. Three men claimed their team’s 2nd place finish in the Gay Softball World Series was nullified because they are bisexual, not gay, and thus their team exceeded the limit of two non-gay players. Whatever happened to baseball’s great tradition of switch hitters?

–

Scott Cousins, who injured Buster Posey in that home plate collision, has been roundly criticized in San Francisco, and has apparently received some death threats. Not sure what Cousins can do to make it to up to Giants fans. Except maybe to go to AAA and run into Barry Zito during a rehab assignment.

–

Vancouver Canucks forward Alex Burrows will apparently not be suspended for allegedly deliberately biting Boston Bruins Patrice Bergeron’s left index finger in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. “Hey, a man’s got to eat,” commented Mike Tyson.

–

In Independence, Missouri, basically a suburb of Kansas City,  police responding to an alligator sighting in a suburban Kansas City pond took two shots at the creature’s head.  And then upon cautiously approaching realized it was a concrete fake.   

That’s it, these guys are permanently banned from Disney’s “Jungle Cruise.”

–

Weiner dog department:  Whatever the truth with Anthony Weiner and his tweet or nontweet, Weiner is violating the cardinal rule of publicly dealing with potentially embarrassing situations. Namely, make a statement, and then STFU about it.

–

Steve Spurrier and other coaches came up with a proposal to give 70 players a $300 stipend every game.  The proposal, whereby coaches would chip in to pay the stars, was signed by Spurrier, Alabama’s Nick Saban, Florida’s Will Muschamp, LSU’s Les Miles, Mississippi’s Houston Nutt, Mississippi State’s Dan Mullen and Tennessee’s Derek Dooley.

There are many reasons why the proposal might not be feasible – for starters, for many SEC players $300 a game would be a pay cut.

–

I actually have a little sympathy for Mitt Romney, who at least has a substantive background, running for the GOP nomination. Since there is an actual chance he could lose to Sarah Palin. Wouldn’t that be like losing on Jeopardy to Snooki?

–

Sarah Palin, channeling Lucy Van Pelt (“If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”, today in Boston about Paul Revere: Saying he had ridden to warn that the British were coming so that “we were going to be secure and free, and we were going to be armed.’’ Uh, Sarah, amongst other things, Paul rode in 1775, the Bill of Rights wasn’t proposed until 1789.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Executive privilege?

June 2, 2011

NJ Governor Chris Christie is under fire for using a state police helicopter to get from his son’s baseball game in Montvale, N.J. to Princeton. Good thing Arnold Schwarzenegger used his own jet, heaven knows how many baseball games and sons the former California governor might have had.

–

The Bruins were 0-6 with a man advantage tonight in their 1-0 loss to the Canucks Wednesday night. So maybe instead of calling it a “power play”, Boston should call it a “brownout” play.

–

The space shuttle Endeavour landed safely this morning and is now retired. Although NASA got a call from Brett Favre about the possibility of being a civilian passenger on the next flight.

–

The parents of “balloon boy” are prohibited by their probation terms from making money off their story until 2013. But the couple said they will auction off the helium balloon they claimed their son floated away in to raise money for earthquake and tsunami relief in Japan. With all due respect, if it got them publicity, I think these two would auction off their son.

–

A survey by a British travel agency says that while the average woman packs ten pairs of underwear for a one week trip, the average man packs three. I guess for men that means two pairs for emergencies

–

According to the AP, Snooki had her international driver’s license revoked in Italy after she rear-ended her police escort and slightly injured two policemen. Just one question – who the heck gave Snooki an international driver’s license?

(As my friend Tim says “who gave her a passport?”)

–

A terminal at New Jersey’s Newark Airport was briefly evacuated by authorities tonight while they investigated a suspicious package. Anthony Weiner immediately issued a statement calling the incident a prank, but said he could not confirm that the package wasn’t his.

–

Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor is already suspended for selling memorabilia, and under investigation for possibly illegal benefits involving cars. Now Pryor has been seen driving a Nissan 350-Z around Columbus, despite a suspended driver’s license. Well, on the bright side, with these antics, Terrelle’s well on his way to being a first round draft pick for the Cincinnati Bengals.

–

Shaquille O’Neal has announced his retirement, apparently because injuries won’t let him continue to play at a serious NBA level. Which doesn’t rule out him getting an offer from the Washington Wizards.

–

A group of 100 eighth grade students from Pennsylvania went on a field trip to Baltimore. They had to split into smaller groups for lunch, and apparently about 15-20 of them going to Hooters. Well, it’s good to see that parents who chaperone now include fathers.

–

Paris Hilton was interviewed by CNN’s Piers Morgan and called the her sex tape “the most embarrassing humiliating thing.” Well, except for her new show “The World According to Paris.”

–

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim had their plane make an emergency landing at Los Angeles International Airport, instead of Orange County airport 40 miles way.  The landing was due to a problem with the plane’s hydraulic system. Now, if something similar had happened to the Dodgers, it probably would have been from Frank McCourt not paying the fuel bill.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Amateur status?

June 1, 2011

Well the Buckeyes players may have lost their amateur status.  But the cover-up certainly qualified.

 

So the Dodgers will make their regular payroll on time this month. But it looks like the Ohio State football team won’t……

–

Ohio State star Terrelle Pryor has reportedly driven as many as eight cars in his three years in Columbus. Who does Pryor think he is? Jay Leno?

–

From Gary Morton, “Look for Tressel to host QVS’s new Saturday Sports show this fall – Lord of the Rings.”

–

Wonder how hard it was for SI to make the decision to publish the article that finally brought down Tressel. Took a lot of cajones to take on one of college football’s sacred cows, or maybe I should say “sacred buckeyes.”

–

Maybe once OSU ends up on probation, they can talk to USC about playing a charity exhibition game instead of a bowl game this year.  The game could be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

–

 

Open note to all sports fans, if you’re praying or wishing, be as specific as possible. Wonder how many SF Giants fans prayed or wished last week that catcher Buster Posey wouldn’t take any more foul tips off his mask this season?

–

In Detroit, the Tigers beat the Twins 6-5 Sunday, and the winning run scored on a ball hit down the line where the umpires ruled spectator interference. Well, I guess that answers the question “Whatever happened to Steve Bartman?”

–

According to the World Health Organization, cell phone use is in the same “carcinogenic hazard” category as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform. So this doesn’t mean that people will stop being rude while using cellphones, but at least they probably won’t be around as long.

–

The Illinois legislature has voted to allow slot machines in Chicago airports. But most frequent travelers would say you’re already gambling every time you plan to connect in O’Hare.

 

Alaska Airlines plans to be the first airline to replace their pilot manuels with iPads. And the trend could catch on. Besides eliminating about 25 pounds of paper per flight, the iPads would be an easy way for pilots to store all their cocktail recipes.

–

 

Rush Limbaugh says he doesn’t really believe  Congressman Anthony Weiner’s story that a hacker was responsible for tweeting a picture of him in his underwear to a young woman. But Rush also said he didn’t think it was a big deal. Scary translation, does this mean Rush has tweeted his own “brief” picture to someone?

–

“Where’s the Birth Certificate?”, a book written by Jerome Corsi that still claims President Obama was not born in the U.S, has debuted at #6 on the New York Times bestseller list. Makes a certain amount of sense. One of the most popular book categories in stressful times is “fantasy.”

–

Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had nothing but positive words for each other today after they met briefly in Trump’s penthouse in Manhattan. Amazing, both those egos fit into a single room?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Alas poor Tressel.

May 31, 2011

We thought we knew him.

 

There are rumors that Ohio State coach Jim Tressel’s resignation was actually a “resign or be fired” situation. But no one will probably ever know for sure; Tressel’s playing it pretty close to the vest.

–

Wonder if Tressell will follow Pete Carroll to the NFL. Since he’s already has plenty of experience in dealing with well-paid players.

–

No news on what the NCAA might do to the Ohio State program with the most recent revelations. But it’s increasingly looking like a good bet that Buckeye players won’t have any bowl memorabilia to sell this year.

–

And somewhere, the headstone on Woody Hayes’ grave has probably become a pinwheel.

 

–

Who’d a thunk that the Bill Martin, the Michigan athletic director who hired Rich Rodriguez, might end up looking better than Ohio State AD Gene Smith.

–

At least Rich Rodriguez’s players never really got any good bowl memorabilia to sell.

–

Today the NCAA announced which men’s baseball teams have qualified for the tournament leading to the College World Series. Much disappointment in Minnesota – fans hoped the Twins would get at least a six seed.

–

FIFA president Sepp Blatter says that bribery allegations had done “great damage” to the soccer governing body’s image. Well, not exactly, no one outside of FIFA has thought for a long time that they had a reputation left to ruin.

 

–

Today the NCAA announced which men’s baseball teams have qualified for the tournament leading to the College World Series. Much disappointment in Minnesota – fans hoped the Twins would get at least a six seed.

 

–

Meanwhile Sarah Palin’s One Nation Bus (and Motorcycle) Tour is on its way, even if the itinerary is a closely guarded secret, even and especially from the media.

Palin did stop at Mount Vernon, where she proclaimed George Washington her “Favorite Founding Father.”

Uh, has anyone told Sarah that when he crossed the Delaware, Washington didn’t do the truly brave thing, and stop half way?

Now, originally in 2010 when Palin was asked by Glenn Beck who her favorite founding father was, she said “all of them,” and only settled on Washington when pressed “because he was almost reluctant to serve as president too and that’s who you need to find to serve in government, in a bureaucracy — those who you know will serve for the right reasons….”

“For the right reasons?”  Are we talking about choosing presidents , or picking a winner on “the Bachelorette?”

 

and finally back to sports from T.C.   JR Hildebrand has sent Jean Van de Velde a friend request

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Race day..

May 29, 2011

Aka, “there’s no NHL playoffs, there’s no NBA playoffs, it’s a holiday weekend so other than baseball so what’s on TV besides CSI reruns?”

 

Both Dale Earnhardt, Jr and J.R.Hildebrand’s cars were sponsored Sunday by the National Guard, whose motto is “Always Ready, Always There.” Well, apparently except for on the last lap.

–

How bad are gas prices? Apparently even Dale Earnhardt Jr was tempted into not quite filling the tank today.

–

JR Hildebrand has a twitter account. Wonder if his last tweet today was “Wow about 2 win Indy 500…. Oh sh*t”?

–

Hildebrand may have lost the Indy 500 with his crash into the wall on the last turn. But he has a potential great opportunity to make a commercial warning kids not to text and drive.

–

On Fox News today John McCain said “Of course” Sarah Palin can beat Obama. And millions of Americans breathed a sigh of relief. Had we elected John in 2008 the country would be dealing with a sitting President suffering from at least early stage dementia.

–

Scientists have found that near starvation diets make everything from mice to monkeys live longer, and they are speculating that severe calorie restriction might help humans live longer too. Either that or going without ever eating anything bad for you makes every day feel like forever.

–

First Trump, now Mitch Daniels. The GOP contenders who have decided not to run for President both say they could have won. Is this an election or a remake of “On the Waterfront?”

–

Dallas QB Tony Romo got married Saturday. And to the surprise of many Cowboys fan, he made it through the important ceremony without dropping the ring.

–

 

Wonder if there’s some loophole that would allow USC and Ohio State to compete next year in the “Probation Bowl?”

–

Beyond the current penalties for the current team, there are rumors the NCAA may take away USC’s 2004 football National Championship.  The operative word being “may.”  And of course “when?”  Are they waiting until players on that year’s team have children who are of college recruiting age?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Memorial Day Weekend

May 28, 2011

When most Americans look back and remember when gas was under $3 a gallon.

–

Frank McCourt has apparently secured funds to make the Dodgers payroll this month. Ah, for the good old days in Los Angeles when the only payroll worries for sports fans were about anyone finding out how much the players were getting paid at USC.

–

Amy Winehouse checked back into rehab in London this week, but according to the British media, not before stopping at a shop to buy a small bottle of vodka that she swigged immediately. That’s like Lindsay Lohan stopping on her way to home confinement to go jewelery shopping.

–

Fox News fired Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because of their intentions to run for President. But despite similar signs from Sarah Palin, the network is keeping her on as a contributor. Translation, compared to Gingrich and Santorum, Palin has higher ratings.

–

Many sports fans around the world Saturday were rivited to the Champions’ League soccer championships between Barcelona and ManU.  In the U.S., however, many would just have asked “where’s Manu?”

(responded Jerry Hoffman, “with the Spurs.”)

–

The world didn’t end last weekend. Although in Chicago, where the Cubs have lost two straight to the lowly Pirates, including a 10-0 shellacking, the 2011 season may be officially over.

–

Amazing, Francisco Liriano of the Twins pitched a no-hitter earlier this month, and Anthony Swarzak almost pitched one today (into the 8th).  What’s most amazing, these pitchers have done this without the benefit of pitching to their own lineup. 

 

And we wonder why U.S. airlines have such lousy reputations for both service and profitability – example number 334:

Video announcement on United Airlines  “We’re taking significant steps in our merger with Continental Airlines – we’ve painted our planes….”  (Really, followed by all the things they are going to do.  Though to be fair the two airlines have synchonized boarding procedures, and some fees, usually by raising the lower of the two.)

–

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Yuma Scorpions manager Jose Canseco, who is smitten with her and has proposed marriage, has declared May 30th ‘Lady Gaga Night’ at the team’s home park.Free admission will be granted to those producing a restraining order”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Parenthetical thoughts…

May 28, 2011

Maybe a few history classes wouldn’t have hurt. Michelle Bachman got into trouble before for saying (twice) that the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hampshire. Now she is kicking off her presidential campaign in Iowa. In the town of Waterloo.

(but who knows, maybe Bachman thinks the line “where Napoleon met his Waterloo” refers to a woman he was dating?)

–

Sarah Palin has apparently authorized a feature film about her career. The film has an announced running time of two hours but will stop halfway through.

–

Ray Small, former Ohio State WR, is claiming a student newspaper “twisted his words” about teammates selling their rings and getting car deals, and has retracted the statements. Although the newspaper editor says “everything Small said is recorded.” Well, when Small decides he is completely done with football, he has a great future working for Newt Gingrich.

–

Governor Jan Brewer is going to court to fight the state’s voter approved medical marijuana law.   So let me get this straight, Brewer trusts the people of Arizona to make the decision to carry a gun around, but not to light up a joint?

(Based on events in Arizona and Florida over the last several years, I am beginning to think that too much sun rots your brain.)

–

Meanwhile, over in Texas,  Governor Rick Perry is the latest to talk about running for President in 2012. Uh, Rick, with all this talk of secession for the Lone Star state, wouldn’t that make you no longer born in the U.S?

–

A new CNN poll shows Rudy Giuliani, who is not even an announced candidate, leads all GOP presidential contenders. Presume “None of the above” was not an option?

(My friend Scott Russell has an idea, if “none of the above” is the biggest vote getter in an election, throw both candidates out and start over.)

–

If you think golf needs Tiger Woods, how about women’s tennis needing the Williams sisters? The two top seeds, Kim Clijsters and Caroline Wozniacki, are both out of the French Open. And the response of most sports fans – “Who and who?”

 

 

Aubrey Huff, batting .212, hit cleanup again for the SF Giants today. Now, I love Aubrey, and we pronounce our last names the same way, but these days the only cleanup he’s doing well is helping the opposing pitchers clean up their messes.

(of course I wrote the above before the game, and he got two hits, so am posting it so as not to mess with success.)

–

Meanwhile, at home plate, Eli Whiteside over Prince Fielder by TKO.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Gallows humor.

May 27, 2011

A little gallows humor for Giants’ fans: Many are wondering in the wake of Posey’s injury about Bengie Molina, who hasn’t officially retired. But Mercury News writer Andrew Baggarly hears “at least as of two months ago, Molina was not in any kind of shape to play.” Well, doesn’t sound much different from last year.

A 27 year old Rockies fan died today after a 20 foot fall at Coors Field in Denver. He had lost his balance after trying to slide down a staircase railing.

The man had been taken off life support after being declared brain dead Wednesday.  While I don’t mean to minimize the pain his friends and relatives must be going thru, with all due respect, he was brain dead when he decided to slide down that railing.

–

Apparently green-minded students this year at more than 250 colleges and universities  have the option to get graduation gowns made from recycled plastic bottles.  Still others can buy gowns made from wood pulp, instead of the standard polyester.

Many basketball and football powerhouse schools say they have an even greener option.  They don’t waste anything with gowns, because their students don’t graduate in the first place.

–

There are more and more rumors of other alleged Schwarzenegger mistresses and brief liasons. Here we thought Arnold dreamed he should be President, maybe he just dreamed he was the world’s greatest golfer.

–

Interesting sidelight about John Edwards’ alleged use of campaign funds to pay for his mistress.  Edwards might almost be as rich as Schwarzenegger.  As Augie suggests, perhaps Arnold might have told John “Don’t be such a girly man, pay up.”

–

MSNBC host Ed Schultz has accepted a one week suspension, and has apologized for calling conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham a ‘right-wing slut’ on his syndicated radio program Tuesday. So is the apology for calling her “right-wing” or for calling her a “slut?”

–

With the Heat into the finals, the impossible has become reality; most of America will actually be rooting for Mark Cuban.

–

The New York Mets reportedly sold part of their team today. Mets fans were hoping it was the bullpen.

–

The NCAA infractions appeals committee has upheld all penalties and findings against USC football, The Trojans will lose 30 scholarships over the next three years are banned again from this year’s postseason. 

For some reason the committee didn’t buy the school’s defense, which basically boiled down to “But we’re USC!”

–

Sarah Palin has announced a bus trip “to connect with our founders, our patriots, our challenges and victories.” And to “appreciate the significance of our nation’s historic sites, patriotic events and diverse cultures, which we’ll do in the coming weeks on our “One Nation” tour. Wonder if Sarah will meet up with Michelle Bachman in Lexington NH to commemorate the “shot heard round the world.?”

–

Just how young are American Idol finalists Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina? At their ages, Lindsay Lohan hadn’t even entered her first rehab yet.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Student-athletes and other jokes.

May 26, 2011

 The NCAA banned three teams from postseason football  –   Idaho State, Southern and Jackson State, because of subpar APR (Academic Progress Rates) for their student athletes.   Apparently to remain eligible teams must meet certain academic standards, or belong to the SEC.

–

–

Although the NHL Thrashers sale and move to Winnipeg is not yet a done deal, apparently Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed believes that the move is inevitable. When local sports fans were asked how they felt about losing their hockey team, the number one response was “We have a hockey team?”

–

After the season, Shawn Marion of the Dallas Mavericks said he will shoot a reality TV pilot about the women he dates called “The Ladies of My Life.” Good thing Wilt Chamberlain never tried that, the series would have had to run longer than Bonanza.

–

John Edwards may be indicted for using campaign funds to help subsidize and cover up his relationship with baby mama Rielle Hunter. Well, Schwarzenegger did tell us his being independently wealthy would be an asset if he were elected Governor.

–

And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story.   I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. 

–

President Obama received mostly good reviews on his speech today to the British Parliament. Mostly because the Brits were just thrilled to know that it was still possible to have a U.S. President who could speak English.

–

Mike Brown has agreed to be the Lakers’ new head coach. In preparation for the job, maybe the best training might be watching a DVD of “Kindergarten Cop.”

–

Whatever Tate Forcier is majoring in, I think we can surmise it’s not geography.

The former Michigan QB and San Diego native has changed his mind about transferring to Miami: “It’s completely on the other side of the country. It would have been fun. But I just wanted to be closer so my parents can afford to come to the games.” So now Forcier’s looking into USC, San Diego State, Montana, Kansas State and… Auburn?!

–

A footnote or two for tonight’s extra inning game in Philadelphia.  (19 innings)

Wilson Valdez -now and forever tied for the best winning percentage and ERA in major league pitching history.

How long was this game?  It started in late spring and by the end fans were just getting ready to boo Santa Claus.

–

I realize for some people that tuesday is the end of the world. For all of us who work standard day jobs, however, can I ask “So what was this Oprah show anyway”

–

Hard core San Jose Sharks fans still can’t believe the way that puck bounced off the stanchion last night. More casual Sharks fans are asking “What’s a stanchion?” And real bandwagon fans are asking “What’s a puck?”

–

And on a serious note, all best wishes for a speedy recovery to Buster Posey, a man who is not only a great catcher, he WAS a real student athlete-  Academic All-American at Florida State. (Yes, I know, the Harvard of the South.) But the guy is for real, also high school valedectorian.  

Shame there wasn’t a stanchion that the runner from third couldn’t have crashed into instead of Posey.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

What we have here are dead sharks….

May 25, 2011

 

Sharks fans may be disappointed but if the Canucks win the Championship at least the Cup will go home to a country where most citizens know icing isn’t just something you put on a cake.

–

Can a stanchion get an assist on a game winning goal?

(For anyone who didn’t see the game, the puck bounced off a stanchion, one of the posts between the glass that protects fans from pucks flying out of play, and everyone, including players, thought it was out of play. Except for Bieska of the Canucks, who saw the puck and shot it into the San Jose net.)

–

And what invisible hand guided that puck on its way to ending up in the net?  Are we sure Steve Bartman wasn’t somehow involved?

–

Tiger Woods’ world golf ranking has fallen from #1 to #12. Although, in a weirdly symbiotic way, his ranking once again matches the number of women most Americans think he is probably sleeping with.

–

If there’s a season this year, the NFL is planning to punish teams next season if their players commit multiple flagrant hits that result in fines. The punishment could either be financial or to strip clubs of draft choices. Well, that latter shouldn’t stop the Raiders – they don’t do anything with their draft picks anyway.

–

New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said the team could lose $70 million this season. $70 million? Wow, that’s almost as much as the Yankees pay for a utility infielder.

–

So the Big 12 conference, despite being down to 10 teams, will keep its name. Meanwhile, the Big 10, which has had 11 teams, will also keep its name when Nebraska joins this fall. Meanwhile the Atlantic 10 has 14 teams. And we wonder why college football players are bad at math

–

Apparently the U.S. Justice Department is ready to go ahead with criminal charges to be filed against former U.S. Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards, for alleged violations of campaign finance laws arising from the cover-up of his affair with his baby mama Rielle Hunter.

And once again, Democrats across America are realizing that there might be a silver lining in the Kerry-Edwards ticket not winning in 2004.

–

President Obama’s code name with Scotland Yard for his U.K. visit is apparently
“Chalaque.” It’s a Punjab word that the Daily Mail paper says means “someone too clever for his own good,” or someone “cheeky, crafty and cunning.” Scotland Yard denies the term is perjorative, and said they planned on using it for the previous president, but no one could say it about W with a straight face.

–

Meanwhile, in California, depending on where he got the money to pay HIS baby mama, Arnold Schwarzenegger is either watching with some sympathy, or the sense of “Oh Sh*t.”

–

Toyota is starting a private social network for its car owners – calling it “Toyota Friend.” So does that mean instead of sending recall notices, they’ll just change your status to “It’s complicated?”

–

President Obama and Michelle met Prince William and Kate Middleton today in London, and will spend the night in the same suite that the Duke and Duchess used on their wedding night. Presumably this seemed a better accommodation option than Camilla’s old stable.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

–

The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

–

October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

—

From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

–

The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

–

Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

–

Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

–

–

Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

–

The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

–

Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »