Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
December 30, 2012
My latest suggestion for ending this fiscal cliff mess…. Lock all of Congress in a room, start playing the Beatles’ “Fool on the Hill”, and don’t turn it off or let them out until they get it done. My sister’s better suggestion, have them play “It’s a Small World.” (Although I have to wonder if that’s a violation of the Geneva Convention.)
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Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Which means about 20 years from now some young adult probably will look back and wish they were only born to a more conventional and mature mother like Snooki.
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Think that somewhere tonight Jessica Simpson is giggling at Dallas Cowboys’ fans?
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Before the Sunday night game even starts, the Dallas Cowboys did the seemingly impossible – getting most of America to root for a team owned by Dan Snyder.
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Washington D.C. area Starbucks have been having baristas write “come together” on coffee cups to encourage patrons to urge Congress to figure out a fiscal cliff solution. Well, that may not happen, but at least D.C. residents on a bipartisan basis can come together to thank Tony Romo.
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Hard to keep track of all these bowls featuring mediocre college teams. I forget, which bowl did the NY Jets play in?
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A report says that the NY Jets will fire their offensive coordinator. Which shocked many Jets fans. “We HAD an offensive coordinator?”
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A bright spot as the holidays wind down and we have to think about getting back to serious work – soon we probably won’t see that Citi commercial where the salesgirl says “Have a super sparkly day.”
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The Cleveland Browns are rumored to be seriously pursuing University of Oregon coach Chip Kelly. Wonder if this means the NCAA’s investigation of the Ducks is further along than we thought.
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Good news. Winter will be over almost two months early. At least according to Macy’s. The fine print under their “Biggest sale of the season” ad says “refers to our Winter season 11-1-12 to 1-31-13.”
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To economize, England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband Prince Philip took a regularly scheduled train to their estate in Sandringham this Christmas, which the British public and media loved. If President Obama somehow took a regular flight to or from Hawaii he’d be accused of disrupting air travel for average Americans.
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When Hideki Matsui retired from baseball last week he said it was because he was no longer able to perform at a top level. Responded the Chicago Cubs “And your point is?”
Okay conspiracy theorists, a blood clot is probably beyond even your dreams as a way to avoid testifying. Not always a Hillary Clinton fan but absolutely wishing her well now.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes
Tags: Cubs jokes, Dallas Cowboys jokes, fiscal cliff jokes
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December 19, 2012
One way not to be stressed about this new Instagram policy – have absolutely no idea how to use Instagram.
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Somewhere, the Apple maps developer is giggling.
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49ers tight end Vernon Davis says that chemistry is “something that me and Kap (Colin Kaepernick) don’t have right now, but we’re working on it.” And he indicated the new SF QB is “kind of scared of my speed a little bit.” Who does Davis think he is? Terrell Owens?
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Someone called in an undisclosed threat in Newtown, CT, forcing district officials to keep an elementary school closed today. If police catch this guy can they sentence him to spent a week locked in a cage in the local cemetery near some of the children’s tombstones?
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Suri Cruise is apparently getting a $24,000 Grand Victorian Playhouse, complete with running water and electricity, for Christmas along with a $10,000 children’s toy Mercedes. Wonder how much Tom and Katie are setting aside for future counseling?
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The Jets are out, the Giants are now in a very tenuous position. Who’d a thunk the only football team in the New York-New Jersey area that ends up in the postseason might be Rutgers?
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How the mighty have fallen. ESPN all excited about a 101-100 home comeback win by the Los Angeles Lakers – against the Charlotte Bobcats?
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From Marc Ragovin: Commenting on the Lakers poor record this year, Kobe Bryant recently said “At this point I wish we had the Washington Generals on our schedule.” “Right back at ya,” said the coach of the Generals.
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The Atlanta Hawks needed overtime to top the Washington Wizards 100-95. Overtime to beat the Wizards? Shouldn’t that count in the standings for at best half a win?
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So on Saturday which retailer will start the first “After the end of the world sale?
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A Utah State football player was arrested and charged with misdemeanor battery and trespassing after his team’s bowl win last Saturday. So who says the “Famous Idaho Potato Bowl” hasn’t made the big time?
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NY Jets Rex Ryan is apparently frustrated enough with Mark Sanchez that he is thinking of starting Greg McElroy next week against San Diego. Gosh, if only the team had access to a QB with a history of winning.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Times Square hookers offering a Holiday Mark Sanchez special; for an extra $50, they’ll really really suck.”
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In the wake of Sandy Hook, some gun advocates now want to arm teachers. Right, let’s put guns in the hands of them all…including those without enough common sense to know it’s not a good idea to sleep with their students…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: instagram jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, NBA jokes, New York Jets jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 17, 2012
Roger Goodell has to be breathing a sigh of relief with the SF 49ers’ win tonight: One week closer to the Seattle Seahawks not voting a Division Winner’s share to the replacement refs.
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The 49ers won 41-31 after blowing a 31-3 in the second half. now 31-24. San Francisco fans had to wonder if they were watching the last two quarters of the game or a Movie-of-the-Week showing of the Titanic?
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Got to love the NFL, a number of games with playoff implications on now and those of us in Northern California got Chiefs-Raiders? It’s as if say, a top-ten Bowl Matchup was on and arbitrarily some of us only got the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl.
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Missed the post game news conference, so how much did Gisele Bundchen complain about her husband’s Patriot teammates?
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Meanwhile, watching Big Ben against the Dallas Cowboys was kind of like watching Notre Dame against USC. Had to root for a tie. (missed it by THAT much.)
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Wonder if before the Miami Dolphins-Jacksonville Jaguars game if both teams were told the winner might have the chance to join the SEC?
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So do the Redskins really not need RG3 after all. Or are the Cleveland Browns just that bad?
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An usher was shaken up today during the Rams-Vikings when after a touchdown catch St. Louis WRs Danny Amendola spiked the ball and it hit him in the face. Well, at least ushers in Arizona who work for the Cardinals know they are safe.
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So since the NY Jets have this week’s MNF game, Tim Tebow has Sunday off. Which actually isn’t much different than any weekend he’s been on the Jets roster.
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I am clearly missing part of the “girly” gene. Just saw an ad for “Jimmy Choo” perfume. And thinking “Why would you want to smell like a shoe?”
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A thought about the Dodgers and Angels stockpiling high-priced talent: The Detroit Tigers went into the World Series with the league MVP and the best pitcher in baseball. And how did that work out for them?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49er jokes, football jokes, Jets jokes, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
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December 14, 2012
Jenna Bush, daughter of George W. Bush, is pregnant. So it will be about 2058 when the child first runs for President? Hope it’s a girl.
Former President Bush is so excited about the future grandchild, W”s offered to share with the kid his favorite crayons.
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After Susan Rice withdrew her name from consideration for Secretary of State, John McCain issued a statement saying he “wishes her well.” Of course, Senator McCain may have already forgotten why he was against Rice in the first place.
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Rutgers has suspended men’s basketball coach Mike Rice for 3 games and fined him $50,000 for “inappropriate behavior and language.” In New Jersey? Really?! Something tells me this kind of sanction will never apply to the Governor’s office.
(Maybe Rice took that “Secrets of Great Coaching from Bobby Knight” manual a little too seriously.)
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Susan Rice has withdrawn her name from consideration as Secretary of State. Hey, now that Hillary’s staying home in the U.S., wonder if Bill Clinton would be interested in the job?
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Now that marijuana is legal in their states wonder how many people in Colorado and Washington are excited about today being 12-12-12?
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Josh Hamilton has signed a $125 million, 5 year deal with the Angels. What, were the Dodgers asleep?
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So the Angels signed Josh Hamilton, and the Giants signed Andres Torres. Well, one of those guys has proven he can be part of a World Series winning team.
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Rumor has it that Republican Chuck Hagel may be President Obama’s nomination as the next secretary of defense. Waiting for John McCain to object on principle
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The latest for Lindsay Lohan, she is $16k behind on her storage locker payments, and risks having her possessions put up for auction. Hmm, I see a new reality show: “Celebrity Storage Wars.”
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, term limited out in 2014, is thinking of a legal challenge so she can run again. So these executive orders she is so fond of that enforce Arizona laws don’t apply to blondes?
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The CALM act, a new law, sponsored by Democrat Anna Eshoo, goes into effect today. It prevents TV commercials from being blared at louder volumes than their accompanying programs. So will Republicans start turning the ads up louder as a protest against government interference?
Bode Miller’s wife Morgan is recovering with 50 stitches in her face after her husband hit her with a 160 mph golf tee shot. And Elin Nordegren said “Why didn’t I think of that?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jenna Bush jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, McCain jokes, Susan Rice jokes
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December 13, 2012
The Pope is on Twitter. So is #Hell now a #Hashtag?
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So with the Vatican now on Twitter can Catholics tweet their confessions?
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The Golden State Warriors upset the Miami Heat 97-95 with a buzzer beating layup. Which would be important. If any regular-season game were EVER important.
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Ah, family values, and preserving the sanctity of the traditional marriage: Track Palin, Sarah’s oldest son, has filed for divorce after 19 months of marriage, to the mother of his 16 month old daughter. Should we blame the states that have allowed gay marriage?
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Texas Tech hired former QB Kliff Kingsbury, 33, as their new head FB coach. To put that in perspective, Brandon Weeden was only 5 years younger in 2011 when he was QB at Oklahoma State.
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Amazing…. Apparently when Barbara Walters interviewed Hillary Clinton as part of her “Most Fascinating People of 2012,” one of the questions was about her hair. Wonder why no one ever asks Joe Biden the same question.
John Boehner said Congress should not make Holiday plans, and that Obama’s latest fiscal cliff proposal can’t pass the House or the Senate. Uh, before we get all Grinchy, Mr. Speaker, could we actually TRY a vote? You know, democracy where majority rules and all that?
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The last batch of Hostess Twinkies hit the shelves today. While Twinkie fans may have to hurry before the sweet treats sell out, on a brighter note any extra stash can probably be willed to their grandchildren..
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Pittsburgh Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall’s has received a one-game suspension for not showing up for last week’s game. Does that mean the NFL may similarly suspend all of the Arizona Cardinals?
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Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and so she has to head back to court in Los Angeles in January. Where no doubt the judge will give her another suspended sentence and a very stern warning.
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New Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni told a reporter “You’re starting to piss me off.” Funny, that’s exactly what Los Angeles fans are thinking about the team.
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Just saw an online ad for holiday gifts including a “unicorn horn for cats.” Wonder if the instructions to attach said horn to a cat come complete with bandages, antibiotic ointment, and the phone numbers of local urgent care clinics.
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So now that 12:12p on 12-12-12 has passed, what are people going to do to waste time for the rest of the week?
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For everyone bummed that such a fun date to write is over, cheer up, it’s only 760 days until 12-13-14.
And as my friend James Brady says, “Only 335 days to 11-12-13.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Thought the Encino mall Santa was in the Christmas spirit when he yelled; “Ho, ho, ho.” Turns out he was saying hi to the Kardashian sisters.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lindsay Lohan jokes, Los Angeles Lakers jokes, Pope twitter jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
December 11, 2012
In a recent survey, San Francisco was voted the second-smartest city in the U.S., finishing behind Boston. Well, except that folks from San Francisco are smart enough not to run losing campaigns for President.
Starbucks sold 5,000 limited-edition stainless steel gift cards for $450 each, which were loaded with just $400 in Starbucks credit. Now some of the cards are selling on EBay for over $1000. Because nothing says I like paying too much for fancy coffee like an overpriced gift card?
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The Colts, Seahawks, and yes, even the Redskins have a good chance of all making the playoffs in 2012. So can we get rid of the rumor that rookie QB’s can’t lead an NFL team?
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Interesting, at this point it looks like Stanford will have more people attending the Rose Bowl than attending most of this year’s home games.
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Many Americans are wondering now who will be Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Of course many in the younger generation are wondering “What’s ‘Time Magazine.’?”‘
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Some stories this morning trying to make a big deal out of the fact that Andrew Cuomo refused to endorse Hillary Clinton for President in 2016. Suppose it’s too much to ask that we at least not start the next campaign until after Obama’s second inauguration.
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So after Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks demolished the Arizona Cardinals 58-0, wonder if Jim Harbaugh sent him a text asking “So what’s YOUR deal?”
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My friend Tony Alan Banks says “Many people are surprised by the success of the Seattle Seahawks. Not me, I watched as Pete Carroll coached professional football players here at USC.”
(but hey, isn’t it nice to see Pete can do as well with less highly paid talent?)
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A Santa in Toronto, Canada has been fired after told a 3 year old boy wearing a Maple Leafs hat that his team sucked. Presumably the man is now fielding several offers from stores on the North Side of Chicago.
(and moreover, this time Santa Claus was wrong. This year so far the Leafs do not suck.)
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The 37 year old Arizona man was a co-winner in the Nov. 28 Powerball lottery says he took the one-time payout of $192 million because of the potential upcoming fiscal cliff. Right. Now there’s someone who really has to worry about a tax increase.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers new ownership has now committed $650 million to players under contract. Forget “The Boys of Summer,” we’re now approaching “The Billionaire Boys Club.”
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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino has now been hired at Western Kentucky. While NFL players are restricted from all sorts of things, wonder if Petrino will be the first coach to be banned from getting on a motorcycle. Or at least from riding with a passenger.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, Person of the Year jokes, Pete Carroll jokes. Starbucks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 10, 2012
Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.
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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.
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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?
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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?
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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”
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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.
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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.
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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?” Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”
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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?
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From T.C. “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! ”
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Trivia question for the day:
Which are the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?
Answer ( none of them from the SEC) : Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, college football jokes, Dodgers jokes, Lakers jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes
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December 8, 2012
Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.
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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.
Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?
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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs. But it’s already sold out. Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.
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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.
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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….
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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!
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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.
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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?
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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?
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Serious thought -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, New York Jets jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
December 4, 2012
And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.
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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.
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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.
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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?
New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”
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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?
Adds Nick Coombs, “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”
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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….
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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?
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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.
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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”
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Groaner alert:
There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, Clinton jokes, Kate Middleton jokes, Wisconsin jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
December 4, 2012
NY Jets coach Rex Ryan says he is undecided on next week’s starting QB, but insists he has confidence in McElroy, Tebow and Sanchez. Yikes. Has someone checked Ryan for concussions?
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Only bright spot for NY sports fans Monday? The Giants’ lackluster performance temporarily knocked the Jets off the front page.
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Five BCS games. Only five teams in those games ranked in the top ten. And only one game with a spread under 8. Guess that mean bitch karma isn’t a fan of television networks.
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The Mets are reportedly interested in trying to trade R.A. Dickey. But GM Sandy Alderson says fans should not take it as a sign that the team is pessimistic about their 2013 chances. Longtime fans are thinking. “The Mets had 2013 chances?”
Apparently Mitt Romney has gone back to work, rejoining Marriott’s board of directors. So President Obama’s job creation program is already working.
Kentucky’s men’s basketball team (4-3) fell out of the top 25 since John Calipari became coach in 2009. Calipari is so reportedly so upset with the team he might threaten the players with drastic punishment – like having to go to class.
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Really? SI’s Sportsman of the Year is Lebron James?! Are they going to have a one-hour television special about how they came to that decision?
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Derek Jeter has a broken ankle, A-Rod now needs hip surgery and will probably miss some of the 2013 season. Not saying the team is old but Yankees could end up wasting more money than a bad Medicare program.
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A recent poll showed that Americans ranked Congress as second lowest out of 22 professions for honesty and ethical standards, higher only than car sellers. On the bright side, lawyers are happy to look good by comparison.
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A New Jersey man will be arraigned today on the charge of “destruction of an aircraft” after he punched and broke a window on a JetBlue plane when he was unhappy with his seat assignment. So coming next, does this mean an airline “window security” fee?
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Serious thought for a change: An aside to the gun control debate with the Chiefs player who murdered his girlfriend, maybe this is also time to both renew the NFL’s focus on concussions? And it is DEFINITELY time to do everything possible to destigmatize professional athletes going to mental health professionals.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Rex Ryan jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 27, 2012
Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.
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But really, the Spartans over the Trojans? Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?
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So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.
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UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.
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The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?
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Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.
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Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?
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Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”
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A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.
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A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.
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Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be) my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Lane Kiffin jokes, San Jose State jokes, Trojan jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
November 25, 2012
Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.
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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?
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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.
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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”
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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.
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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.
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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?
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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.
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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?” (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish) Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.
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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….
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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.
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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.
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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”
And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, BCS jokes, NCAA jokes, Notre Dame jokes
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November 20, 2012
Well, if the SF 49ers’ Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.
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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?
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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”
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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.
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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…
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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.
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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.
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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?
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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.
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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, BCS jokes, Big Ten jokes, Colin Kaepernick jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus jokes, Rutgers jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 16, 2012
Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.
In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.
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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.
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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?
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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?
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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?
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U.S. Tennessee Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions. This is a man who on his website said: “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”
Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.
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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?
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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”
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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.
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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.
From T.C. A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.
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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….
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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Janice Hough, Marlins jokes, Paula Broadwell jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 14, 2012
The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….
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Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.
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Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.
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Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.
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Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.
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Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”
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Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.
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Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.
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Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.
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These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.
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If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?
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The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”
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The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elmo jokes, email jokes, General Allen jokes, Janice Hough, Paula Broadwell jokes, Petraeus affair jokes
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November 12, 2012
National security may or may not have been compromised. But comedy writers looking to fill a post-election void are thinking “Thank you, General Petraeus.”
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But really, a major sex story involving a U.S. leader who is widely respected around the world, and it’s not Bill Clinton? Who’d a thunk it?
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Well, not sure it’s much consolation. But Mitt Romney’s supposed favorite team, the New England Patriots, won. While President Obama’s beloved Chicago Bears…, well, how ’bout that election?
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As if New Yorkers haven’t suffered enough with Sandy and the Nor’Easter: Neither storm managed to cancel last Sunday’s Jets and Giants games.
Post election joy for those of all political persuasion: A Monday morning without 50 + overnight emails asking for money.
Anyone else remember this story from the summer? Now, this could have been entertaining… for those of us who are truly twisted…. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2185022/Has-Mitt-Romney-picked-Gen-David-Petraeus-vice-president.html
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Marc Ragovin: “So General Petreus had an affair with the author of his biography, which is titled “All in” And boy, was he!”
And from Mark – “Any truth to the rumor the General will change his name from Petraues to General Betrayus?”
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The Oakland Raiders lost 55-20 to the somewhat offensively challenged Baltimore Ravens?! If Al Davis wasn’t dead this would have killed him.
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Have to wonder, when Mitt Romney starts spending more time at his soon-to-be-rebuilt home in sunny San Diego, will he wish he’d just retired there four years sooner?
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Newest members of “Who Dat” nation? The 1972 Miami Dolphins.
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A Southwest Airlines jet slid off a taxiway at Denver International Airport on Saturday. Fortunately there were no injuries, making the biggest question for most passengers – do we get extra frequent flyer miles?
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Fresh off their mega deal with the Boston Red Sox, the Los Angeles Dodgers have bid 25.7 million dollars for the rights to try to sign Korean pitcher Ryu Hyun-jin. Even the New York Yankees are thinking “Ever heard of fiscal restraint?”
Looks like Phil Jackson wasn’t quite as good at the “Name your own price” game as he thought he was.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: football jokes, General Petraeus jokes, Janice Hough, Petraeus affair jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 11, 2012
There’s a lot of college football left to play…but right now the BCS national championship could feature – Oregon vs. Kansas State. A prospect that must have ESPN as excited as FOX was to televise a SF vs. Detroit World Series.
“Twilight” fans have been camping out since Thursday for the Monday premiere of “Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Well, at least they didn’t overlap the line as for the new iPhone 5. The human race doesn’t necessarily want those two groups to meet and breed.
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At SEC headquarters , the question of the night is “Who the heck decided to let Texas A & M in the conference?”
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So Louisiana-Lafayette, needing only to run out the clock with 2 seconds left on 4th and 2 to force overtime, had a punt blocked and lost to Florida 27 to 20. Who made that decision? Someone hoping to transfer to an SEC school as a math major?
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After gay marriage initiatives passed Tuesday, the Vatican is proclaiming themselves as a lone voice of courage — “the only check … to the breakup of the anthropological structures on which human society was founded.” Right, and when we think of courage in tackling sexual issues, we all think of the Vatican.
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So was General Petraeus brought down in the end because his mistress thought he was cheating on her and started threatening that other “other woman”? If so, we can start casting the made for TV movie now…
When she appeared this year on “The Daily Show,” Paula Broadwell told Jon Stewart that General Petraeus had “no dirty secrets.” Well, not anymore.
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From my friend Alex Kaseberg – “Attention guys cheating on wives. The head of the CIA just got caught cheating on his wife. Your stupid ass will not get away with it.”
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So headline in Alabama this morning? “Rolled, Tide.”
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As some of us are going through baseball withdrawal, here’s a thought, pitchers and catchers report in about 100 days. Which is about 90 days further away than the opening of the 2016 Presidential campaign season.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BC jokes, Petraeus affair jokes, Petraues jokes, twilight jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
November 10, 2012
CIA director David Petraeus has resigned after admitting he had an affair. How long until he’s asked to join the “Clinton Global Initiative.”
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Apparently General Petraeus, 60, had his affair with his biographer and videographer, Paula Broadwell, 39. So guess Petraeus didn’t think he was Bill Clinton, he thought he was John Edwards.
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Once again, the conspiracy theorists are out, this time about General Petraeus’s affair and the timing of his resignation. Really?!! It’s amazing how the only time some folks give Obama credit for competence is in engineering coverups.
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Wow! Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, only five games into a disappointing season. And somewhere from the great beyond Al Davis and George Steinbrenner are thinking “You can do that?”
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Here’s a scary post-election thought. For a brief, not-so-shining moment last year, some thought Donald Trump could be elected president of the United States.
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Condoleezza Rice said today she wouldn’t be the next secretary of state, even if President Barack Obama asked her. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
(Although as a Democrat I’d be happy with Richard Lugar. And Condi would be better than Bud Selig for baseball.)
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Can we get over this concept of Kentucky defending their NCAA national championship in men’s basketball. Because a true defense might involve, for starters, having one player from that championship team still in uniform. (And no, I don’t mean an NBA uniform.)
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Phil Jackson has apparently said he might consider ending his retirement and return to coaching the Lakers. “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
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Nick Swisher, who has hit .169 in 154 postseason at-bats. apparently will leave New York because he doesn’t like their $13 million offer for 2013. Maybe the Yankees decided that with A-Rod it was enough to have one high-priced player who takes Octobers off.
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Ah, the purity of amateur sports: UCLA star recruit Shabazz Muhammed was declared ineligible for recruiting violations. Which the LA Times alleges resulted from visits to Duke & North Carolina – Schools he turned down in favor of UCLA . Gosh, if so, wonder who turned him in.
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Mitt Romney’s sister complained to an interviewer that her brother had been “vilified” during the campaign. Uh, did she think it was going to get better if he became president?
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Anders Behring, Breivik the Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 people, mostly teenagers, is complaining that he is being held in inhumane solitary conditions. Well, heck, let’s get him into the general population right away then.
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Ye Gods, they’re like political Tribbles. Only not as cute and cuddly. George P. Bush, grandson of George H.W, nephew of George W. Bush, son of Jeb, just filed paperwork to run for office in the state of Texas.
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From T.C. ” With Washington voting to legalize marijuana, can we expect Cheech and Chong to be signed for every Seattle Mariners home game singing “‘Toke Me Out to the Ball Game?'” And of course the National Anthem to be sung by the Doobie Brothers?’
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: General Petraeus jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Petraeus affair jokes, Petraeus jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
November 9, 2012
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a bit of a break between the election and holiday shopping season?
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Silver lining to stores increasingly planning to open on Thanksgiving: It means an excuse other than football not to talk to your relatives.
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So “The X Factor”, which purports to discover talent, is now co-hosted by Khloe Kardashian. Anyone but me find that kind of an oxymoron?
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Two rushing TD’s for Andrew Luck Thursday night. Who does he think he is? RG3?
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Meanwhile, Joe Namath is the latest to publicly question why the NY Jets aren’t using Tim Tebow more often. And some Jets fans are so frustrated they’re thinking “Joe, I wanna kiss you.”
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In college football , Cal (3-7) is playing Oregon (9-0) in Berkeley this Saturday, The Ducks have outscored opponents 176-29 in the first quarter so far in 2012. So a simple tip for Bears fans who want to see a close game – get there early.
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A USC student football manager was suspended for deflating five game balls below regulation levels (which apparently makes them easier to throw) for last week’s USC-Oregon game. Insert USC ‘no real balls” joke here:
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Guess the media is still getting used to slower news days after the election. A CNN.com headline – “Thanksgiving planes likely to be full.” (Uh, can anyone remember a year when they weren’t?”)
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Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials.
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USC coach Lane Kiffin now insists publicly that a student-manager who intentionally deflated footballs (to make them easier for Matt Barkley to throw) against Oregon, acted completely on his own. Wonder if Kiffin added privately “Wish I’d thought of that before we played Stanford.”
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NY Jets CB Antonio Cromartie guaranteed the Jets will be playing in the 2012 postseason. What, like he guaranteed the eight mothers of his children that he wouldn’t get them pregnant?
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Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it?
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From my friend Tom Dodd: Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andrew Luck jokes, election jokes, Janice Hough, Lane Kiffin jokes, Thanksgiving jokes, USC jokes
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November 8, 2012
So when the World Champion SF Giants and President Barack Obama meet in 2013 at the White House, will both be thinking “Didn’t expect to see you here again.”?
Serious meltdown from a disappointed Karl Rove last night over the election. At least he isn’t a Lakers fan.
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Mark McGwire will be the Los Angeles Dodgers’ next hitting coach. I guess this is the end of L.A. fans taunting the S.F. Giants about their association with PEDs and Barry Bonds?
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Some things never change. Florida is heading for a recount. Take all the time ya’ll want this year….
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Not that it matters nearly as much as in 2000. But if the Supreme Court is going to end up giving Florida’s electoral votes to the GOP, can they announce it now and save the state a lot of recount money?
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Get the sense Mitt Romney won’t be campaigning for Chris Christie’s re-election next year? The New Jersey governor is bristling at suggestions he cost Romney the White House with his praise for Obama and when asked what went wrong for Mitt replied “He didn’t get enough votes.”
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The law of unintended consequences. Does the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado and Washington mean a huge advantage for free agent recruiting with the Rockies, Mariners, Nuggets, Broncos and Seahawks?
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Former Texas football coach Darrell Royal, 88, has died. Will always remember the story when the Longhorns were way down at halftime and players expected a blistering speech. Allegedly Royal never came into the locker room, until the bell rang, when he stuck his head in and said “Well, girls, shall we go?” Texas won the game.
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Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana last night. Well, it’s high time!
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Puerto Rico last night backed a referendum calling for U.S. statehood. Wonder how many Americans wouldn’t mind exchanging them for Florida?
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Well after the election we can all get back to a little Yankee bashing since in 2013 New York will once again have the highest payroll in baseball….. Uh wait a minute, scratch that. Your turn, Dodgers.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 