Author Archive
September 28, 2013
The NFL has fined Cam Newton $10k for using unapproved Under Armour visor clips (with the logo blacked out) on his helmet. The league only found out when a Forbes.com article Tuesday showed pictures of the helmet with the clips. Good to see that with all these arrests and concussions the NFL still finds time for what’s really important.
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Okay, I’m no Trojan fan, but… USC’s appeal for reduced football sanctions was denied, after the NCAA did reduce sanctions for Penn State And the NCAA’s statement “There is no comparison between USC and Penn State.” Uh, yeah, right, in one case pkayers got some free stuff and money, and in the other young boys were molested for years. No comparison at all.
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It’s a shame Mariano Rivera’s last time pitching at Yankee Stadium was in the 9th inning. Had they done his farewell on the mound before they cut off alcohol in the 7th, maybe Mo could have turned water into beer on the way out?
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Stay classy, folks. While Kaepernick and Gore were doing postgame TV interviews in St. Louis on TNF, 49ers fans behind the cameras were heard shouting “Seahawks suck! Seahawks suck!” Who do they think they are, Raiders fans?
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Barack Obama said today he spoke by phone with Hassan Rouhani. These are strange times when the President of Iran may be more open to reasonable negotiation than the Speaker of the House.
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Bill Clinton said he really doesn’t know if Hillary will run for President. Really? As if people might believe in that marriage that one spouse might not know everything the other is doing….
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Groupon sent out a list of their most popular deals. One is 50% off on-line traffic school. Presumably for those who read about Groupon deals on their phones while driving?
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Lebron James is going to give a pregame pep talk for Ohio State players before they play Wisconsin on Saturday. Wonder if the talk will include “And if you play really well, you can end up with an NFL team and move to Florida.”
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Nicki Minaj told Ellen Degeneres she would “NEVER go back to American Idol.” “What a shame,” said absolutely no one.
Sens. Ted Cruz and Mike Lee spoke on the chamber floor again today against Obama. Zero GOP senators showed up. These two are so unwatchable they should be on NBC’s primetime schedule.
–Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria fired his President of baseball operations Larry Beinfest after 12 years. Beinfest was reportedly muttering as he cleaned out his office “Free at last, free at last…”.
From T.C. As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.
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Jacksonville Jaguars are offering free beer to fans who buy tickets. The way the team is playing, shouldn’t they be offering something harder?
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Minnesota Vikings and Pittsburgh Steelers are in London preparing for their Sunday matchup. A lot of disadvantages for NFL players having to go overseas for a game. On the other hand, British police may not send Americans their arrest records.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, Mariano Rivera jokes, NCAA jokes, NFL jokes
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September 26, 2013
Mariano Rivera, 44, left the mound at Yankee Stadium tonight for the last time. “A promising career ended so young” said Jamie Moyer.
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O.J. Simpson has apparently been accused of stealing cookies in prison. What’s his defense going to be… if my clothes still fit, you must acquit?
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Apparently Cory Booker has been exchanging some flirty tweets (no pictures) with a Portland stripper. Oh, the indecision of it all, Some of his opponents would like to use this against the unmarried Newark mayor, but then it would go against their accusations of him being gay…..
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CNN reports that pilots snoozed in the cockpit of an Airbus A330 flying to London last August, (Apparently a Virgin America plane.) Stand by for a “pilot coffee” surcharge.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “New part-owner Shaquille O’Neal apologized to Sacramento fans for calling their team ‘the Queens’ back in the day.He did, however, encourage them to bring back their cow bells to the arena when Kobe Bryant comes to town”
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Sarah Palin is threatening to endorse Primary opponents for GOP Senators who don’t go along with Ted Cruz? Maybe Cruz should really endear himself to Palin and quit his Senate term halfway through.
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Bud Selig took over as acting MLB commissioner on Sept. 9, 1992, saying repeatedly he wouldn’t stay on in the job. He has now announced he will retire in 2015. When presumably Bud will join Cher on a farewell tour.
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Some try to compare Eli Manning to his brother Peyton. But the way the Giants started off this year, maybe the more apt comparison now is to his dad Archie with the Saints.
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An apparent deal has been reached on a U.N. resolution to require Syria to dismantle its chemical weapons stockpiles. Hmm, time for the House to vote to overthrow Obamacare again.
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Dodgers fans might want to skip this one – Even in a lost season there are joys. Like Tim #Lincecum striking out Yasiel #Puig three times in 7 innings. #SFGiants
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Wendy Davis is running for Governor of Texas. And somewhere Ann Richards and Molly Ivins are smiling.
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Woo hoo! Faceback says they are finally going to have an “Edit” function for original posts. So dyslexics and people who just type too fast – untie!
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bud Selig jokes, Mariano Rivera jokes, MLB jokes, NFL jokes, Palin jokes, Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 26, 2013
Way over, this thing was supposed to be done a week ago….
Oracle Team USA has won the America’s Cup. In rowing, the winning team tosses the coxswain in the water. Any way Team USA can toss Larry Ellison in the bay?
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But really, leave it to Larry Ellison to engender the maximum hate at all times. As Oracle Team USA came back to set up a single final race for the America’s Cup, there were ZERO hotel rooms anywhere near San Francisco, because of… Oracle World.
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New Zealand has to be wondering what happened. Are we sure that last week they didn’t add to their team a nice new sailor named Buckner?
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Another thing about Oracle Team USA America’s Cup win today. Finally, someone has won one for our country’s poor downtrodden billionaires.
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The Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2013 postseason race. “Bummer,” said almost nobody outside New York and/or ESPN.
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The FBI is now saying the Navy Yard shooter was “delusional.” What was their first clue?
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The U.S. Senate just voted 100-0 to move ahead with a bill to keep the government running through Nov. 15. 100-0? Did Ted Cruz decide he likes Green Eggs & Ham. (Thank you, thank you, Uncle Sam I Am?)
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Ted Cruz spoke against Obamacare for 22 hours, but he took breaks of up to an hour. Wendy Davis spoke against closing women’s clinics in Texas for 13 hours, with NO breaks. ZERO. Not even bathroom breaks. Weaker sex, my a**.
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Maybe someone should warn #TedCruz that “The Lorax” is not an ode to development.
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Barry Zito’s last start as an Giant in SF not quite the same as Mariano Rivera day at Yankee Stadium. But how many teams who’ve lost in the postseason wish they had someone perform like Zito did in 2012. Remember #Rallyzito
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And hey so possibly denying LA home field advantage in the playoffs is a bit of a come down from a World Series title… But hey, SF Giants fans have learned to enjoy the little things.
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The Post Office is seeking a 3 cent increase in the price of stamps. Assume they announced their plan on Facebook and Twitter.
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The Tampa Bay Rays, who will probably make the playoffs, are dead last in attendance, with 18,646 average per game, and the team owner has been quoted as saying “For some reason, people are choosing not to come out as they do in other parts of the country for Major League Baseball.” Apparently he hasn’t spent any time in the stadium either.
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Terrellle Pryor was apparently told to stop tweeting after he posted “I don’t remember much! Good hit by whoever it was. I heard our team fought well … We will be back!” The NFL really doesn’t want players tweeting with possible concussions, although actually concussions might explain many idiot tweets…
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In a trial over an alleged assault at Aldon Smith’s party last year, the prosecutor said the 49ers LB was stabbed after he used a .45 caliber handgun to fire a warning shot that he hoped would force guests to leave. Wonder if someone has told Smith, to declare the party over, it’s simpler to turn out the lights or shut down the bar.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cups jokes, Janice Hough, Larry Ellison jokes, Oracle Team USA jokes, Yankees jokes. Ted Cruz jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 24, 2013
“Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?
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The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?
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With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.
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Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.
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–The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.
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Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?
President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.
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After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.
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The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.
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The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”
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So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, baseball jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
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September 23, 2013
It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle
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Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-
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Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…
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President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.
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Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.
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Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”
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How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?
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From my friend Jim Barach: A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.
(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)
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Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.
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Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.
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“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”
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Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, NFL jokes
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September 22, 2013
Some discussion on whether or not Redskins should change their name. After this week D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”
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If team keeps playing like the last 2 weeks wonder how long it will take San Franciscans to ask them to change name to Santa Clara #49ers?
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But really, watching the NFC East, are we sure it’s not too late to make an exception to the NFL rule that someone has to win every division?
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Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather. Wonder if the baby will grow up to buy his/her first beer at a Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.
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At this point fans who buy tickets to see games involving the Houston Astros are just paying for the live-action version of a forfeit.
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A lot of people are just discovering you don’t bet against #AndrewLuck in the San Francisco Bay Area. #Gostanford #Cardinalrules
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The injustice of it all. How did Fox & Friends get left out of the Emmy nominations for best comedy? #Emmys
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French customs officials intercepted 1.3 TONS of cocaine in checked luggage on an Air France flight from Venezuela to Paris. This would never have happened on a U.S. airline. The smugglers wouldn’t have paid the excess baggage charges.
Looks like SF may have some competition for most disappointing sports team named Giants in 2013.
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Michigan managed to beat Akron by 4, and escaped with a 3 point win over Connecticut. Maybe they have a chance of covering next week’s spread… against “bye week.”
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ESPN is reporting that Von Miller and his urine collector tried to beat the NFL drug testing by substituting another person’s specimen. Which might have worked except someone discovered that the Broncos LB was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place. A source says there is concern the NFL may have a problem beyond Miller and the collector involved. Ya think…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Emmy jokes, janice hough jokes, NFC east jokes, NFL jokes, Redskins jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 21, 2013
Senator John McCain tweeted after the Dodgers jumped in the Dbacks pool to celebrate “No-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats!”
Pitcher Brian Wilson’s tweet back “Senator McComplain knows a thing or two about coming in second and watching someone take a plunge in the pool (I mean poll) #POoLITICS“
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Alex Rodriguez apparently didn’t know Friday night that Andy Pettitte had announced his retirement. A-Rod also doesn’t know it’s time to announce his OWN retirement.
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So the hottest new thing is a gold iPhone, and it’s already sold out? Come on, this is America. How long until someone comes up with iPhone paint?
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Anthony Weiner in an interview “I’m not an idiot.” (But I do play one on TV?)
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Yet another reason why the America’s Cup has not captured the attention of the country: Today’s race’s cancelled due to “changes in wind direction.”
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Raining in Oakland Saturday. And with the stadium’s sewage and draining problems, had the A’s clinched, they wouldn’t need a pool…. they could have just swam in the dugout.
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From Marc Ragovin “John McCain twitted that the Dodgers’ players celebrating in the Diamondbacks’ stadium pool after clinching the NL West was a “no-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats.” And he added “and stay off of my lawn.”
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Andy Pettitte, who admitted to using HGH, now says “I’ve never tried to cheat anything in my life.”. I guess it depends on what the definition of “cheat” is.
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Ohio State 76, FAMU 0. Good thing coach Urban Meyer is a classy guy who would never try to run up a score.
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GOP Florida Rep. Ted Yoho, who wants to shut down the govenment over defunding Obama care, told the NY Times “It only takes one with passion — look at Rosa Parks, Lech Walesa, Martin Luther King. people with passion that speak up, they’ll have people follow them because they believe the same way, and smart leadership listens to that.” And somewhere Parks, Walesa and King are taking turns throwing up.
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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, before the season started: “We want to be above reproach.” After Aldon Smith’s latest arrest: “Well, we haven’t killed anyone yet.”
–The Cubs say they will not release closer Kevin Gregg despite his public criticism of the team. Makes sense, keep him suffering in Chicago long as possible –
There have been rumors that Nick Saban might be lured away from Alabama to coach Texas. Hmm, if true does it means the Crimson Tide is not far away from going on probation?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Arizona pool jokes, baseball jokes, Dodgers jokes, football jokes, John McCain jokes, NCAA jokes
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September 20, 2013
During a road rage incident, two Michigan men actually shot and killed each other. Well, at least the state won’t be wasting money on a “stand your ground” trial.
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The Arizona Diamondbacks were whining last night that the LA Dodgers celebrated the NL West in their pool. Whining? Really? There was a much simpler way to avoid that – A few small piranhas….
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Was Friday night’s Sabathia Lincecum #Yankees #SFGiants pitching matchup the record for the biggest size difference between starting pitchers?
At Yankee Stadium alcohol sales are cut off after the 7th inning or two hours after the start of the game, whichever comes first. Which means for Red Sox games fans better get in line during the third inning.
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Two things you never expected to read in the same headline: “Iran” and “Charm Offensive.”
Nick Saban promised to punish RB T.J. Yeldon after his unsportsmanlike conduct penalty against Texas A & M – for mocking Johnny Manziel with a “money” symbol with his fingers and throat slash gesture. And Saban was true to his word – Yeldon is suspended for ONE quarter, against Colorado State. That’ll teach him….
(And really, with all due respect, as if any Alabama was going to play more than a quarter or two anyway.)
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Texans RB Arian Foster says now when he was at Tennessee he needed to accept money for food, while he saw his coach pull up in “a brand new Lexus.” Of course, had Foster gone to USC, he himself could have had the brand new Lexus.
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From my funny friend Jim Barach: “Google has started a company whose mission is to find out how to solve death. Apparently the first thing they are going to work on is AOL.”
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Andy Pettitte is retiring again at the end of the 2013 season. He may not make the HOF, but the Yankees’ pitcher may have his eye on Brett Favre’s record.
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San Francisco 49ers LB Aldon Smith was arrested a second time for alleged DUI. And pot possession. What’s he trying to do, get traded to the Bengals?
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Realize that some in the younger generation can’t remember a time without computers, cellphones etc. Even harder to believe, there once was a time when luggage didn’t have wheels.
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Apparently the #Cubs are interested in hiring #Yankees manager Joe Girardi. Would be nice change for #Girardi, no pressure to make playoffs.
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The Chiefs are 3-0. If Andrew Luck and the Colts somehow beat the 49ers this weekend, how long will it take for SF fans to start waxing nostalgic about Alex Smith?
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While the House voted to defund Obamacare, why didn’t they really show their support for saving taxpayer dollars by also voting to defund their own expensive healthcare benefits?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice hough jokes NCAA jokes, SF Giants jokes, stand your ground jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
September 19, 2013
Pope Francis said in an interview that the Catholic church has been too focused on the issues of abortion, gay marriage and contraception and suggests it find a “new balance” to deliver its message. Would Francis like to come to America and deliver the same message to the Republican party?
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A Pennsylvania man was charged with a DUI, on a riding lawn mower. Wonder if their first clue was that he thought he was driving his car?
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Japanese baseball commissioner Ryozo Kato resigned over a controversy involving a new home run record. (The league had switched to a livelier baseball.) Meanwhile, of course, Bud Selig has had NOTHING to do with any of MLB’s home run record issues….
(this last item brought to you by the Brooklyn Bridge realty company.)
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Apparently one $400 million winning Powerball ticket was sold today in South Carolina. So regarding Miss Carolina’s comment in the Miss America pageant that 20% of her state lives in mobile homes – make that 20% minus 1.
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NASA is looking for participants in a test study to help them find out how the human body reacts to 70 days in a bed rest position. The first questions from most potential men volunteers – “Do we get our own remotes, and how many channels?”
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Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”
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From T.C. “As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.”
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Just thinking, if women with PMS or menopause symptoms regularly picked up weapons and went after strangers, we might be having a very different discussion on gun control.
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John McCain wrote a scathing retort to Vladimir Putin for the Russian newspaper Pravda’s online English website. Wonder if the credits underneath said something like “This is from U.S. Senator John McCain. The man who wanted his vice-president to be Sarah Palin.”
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Only three things have kept 2013 #SFGiants from being a playoff contender – June, July and August.
My son Carey adds, only three things have kept the Houston Astros from being a playoff contender – Spring, Summer and Fall.
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So Thursday was #TalkLikeAPirateDay. But what does a Wall Street banker sound like?
Trent Richardson says he’s excited to join the Colts. A much more positive response than “Thank Gawd I am out of Cleveland.”
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Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, who has been free on bail, got his 2010 conviction for money laundering was overturned today. Give Illinois some credit – at least they jail their politicians who are crooks.
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Yo, Bud Selig, for teams that don’t make the playoffs, late September should be about playing spoiler. But the SF Giants trying to spoil it for the…. NY Yankees?
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Ah, that bridge to the 19th century: Ron Paul, talking about how he hopes to have 20% of children home schooled. And for women “These are the problems I’m trying to correct . Because they have to be in the workforce and they have to work and not take care of kids….”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, janice hough jokes, Pope jokes, Powerball jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 18, 2013
So what is going on in Texas? Are the Rangers just trying to spare their fans the pain of another postseason collapse?
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Meanwhile with NY having lost 4 of 5 and looking increasingly unlikely to make the postseason, wonder if ESPN will preempt playoff coverage for highlights of old Yankees-Red Sox games.
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Texas A & M reported they raised more than $740 million in donations in the past fiscal year. Gosh, that’s probably a few hundred Johnny Manziel autograph sessions.
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Tiger Woods wants to see a time limit placed on viewers being able to call-in of possible rules violations. Specifically, until five minutes before Tiger himself tees off.
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From T.C. “The PGA may put a halt to fans phoning in rules violations. Tiger got dinged with penalties at The Masters & BMW Championship this year after viewers called citing rule breaches. Woods’ GF Lindsey Vonn, however, said fans are welcome to call her any time if they see Tiger committing any infractions, such as being in the company of pancake or cocktail waitresses.”
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Elton John says Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen.” Uh, some might say the wait is over.
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Beanie Baby creator Ty Warner will plead guilty to tax evasion and pay a $53.5 million penalty. Wonder if he’s negotiating to pay the fine in Beanie Babies.
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Due to winds and tides, the America’s Cup probable final race now will be Thursday. But when this is over, do hope New Zealand gives some honor to Larry Ellison. Who else could get most Americans to root for a foreign opponent against their own country?
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The House is trying to defund Obamacare again, this time threatening to shutdown the government. When asked how Boehner would manage such a potential shutdown, Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan said “Even the best coaches in the N.F.L. only script out the first two series of plays. They don’t script the whole game.” Uh, but the best coaches in the NFL don’t keep on starting with the same ineffectual play 40 times in a row.
Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “It will do no good to legislate (fill-in-the-blank) because criminals will break the law.” By that standard we should toss out all laws and regulations, since people will disobey traffic rules, cheat on taxes, steal, assault and murder each other, etc.,
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Many people are saying that the U.S gun laws are not to blame for mass murders; rather it’s things like mental health and poverty. Okay, I guess I would take those folks more seriously if they were also for increasing mental health funding and the minimum wage.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, Beanie Baby jokes, janice hough jokes, Johnny Manziel jokes, Miley Cyrus jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 18, 2013
America’s Cup races 11 and 12 were postponed today. This after a close race 10 where New Zealand skipper Dean Barker said afterwards “If you didn’t enjoy today’s racing out there, you should watch another sport.” Most Americans sports fans didn’t hear him though, as they were watching other sports.
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If the Kiwis win both races today, the America’s Cup will go back to New Zealand. Not to say most in the US won’t care, but to paraphrase Shakespeare, “Easy will lie the head that used to wear the crown.”
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A South Carolina woman was arrested for allegedly injuring her housemate with knives because he wouldn’t stop playing Eagles music. Good thing the guy wasn’t a Justin Bieber fan or he’d probably be dead.
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Just announced: the Cal Bears football game on September 28 against #2 Oregon in Eugene will be at 730p for television. Presumably to attract fans of “Breaking Bad” who enjoy watching prime-time slaughter.
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Who says the NFL isn’t looking out for the common man. The league said today that 40% of tickets to this year’s Super Bowl will be under $1000.
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Penthouse Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Said many women – “What’s Penthouse?” Said most men under 30 – “What’s a magazine?”
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KFC in Indonesia is now offering for dessert, a donut topped with Swiss and Cheddar cheese. This wouldn’t happen in the U.S. They’d sell the donut with cheese AND bacon.
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From Bill Littlejohn: FC Barcelona has signed a nine-year-old Swedish prodigy, Zico Marecaldi Jr., to their training academy.During the process, they were advised by recruiters from American college football’s Southeastern Conference.
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The World Champion SF Giants are finally looking like the team they were in Oct. 2012. Too bad it took until Sept. 2013.
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Miss South Carolina Brooke Mosteller last Sunday night in her Miss America pageant intro: “I’m from the state where 20% of our homes are mobile because that’s how we roll.” Maybe she should have stuck to “World Peace.”.
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Very different cases, but Edward Snowden, Aaron Alexis…. Maybe the U.S. does need to look at the requirements for screening subcontractors?
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–Congrats to Chris Davis, for breaking the Baltimore Orioles single season home run record. But as vehement as Davis is about not being juiced, does he really want any more comparisons with Brady Anderson?
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Fox News’ Elisabeth Hasselback, talking about how the left has it wrong, and what we REALLY need is video game control “What about frequency testing? How often has this game been played? I’m not one to get in there and say, monitor everything, but if this, indeed, is a strong link, right, to mass killings then why aren’t we looking at frequency of purchases per person? And also, how often they’re playing and maybe they time out after a certain hour.”
Guess she doesn’t think if video games are outlawed, only outlaws will have video games.
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Here we go again. Some in the GOP threatening to shut down the U.S. Government if we don’t defund Obamacare. Now, whatever you think of Obamacare, wouldn’t you think if Americans really wanted to do that, they would have tossed the President backing it out of office?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes.p mo Penthouse jokes, baseball jokes, Fox jokes, Janice Hough, Miss American jokes. Americas Cup jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
September 16, 2013
If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.
But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”
(A friend said this “punchline” is stale. Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it. )
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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?
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Okay, back to sports etc….
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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?
The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.
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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.
Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?
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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.
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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.
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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.
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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.
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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.
Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.
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From Jim Barach: Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.
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From Marc Ragovin: “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”
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And finally a little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, baseball jokes, janice hough jokes, Mets jokes, NFL jokes, Seahawks jokes
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September 15, 2013
Miss America was tonight. Women tune in for the dresses. Men tune in for the swimsuit competition. And comedy writers tune in for the interview questions.
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Okay, clearly the fix was in. Miss California, a Stanford graduate, got the Miss America question about bombing Syria….
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Lebron James apparently married his long-time girlfriend in a private ceremony. Kudos to him for not making a circus out of THAT decision.
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Vladimir Guerrero announced his retirement from baseball. Since he last played in 2011, perhaps he didn’t need to announce it? (Still wish the SF Giants had signed him when Alou was managing, they might have gotten that trophy with the little flags sooner.)
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Not sure of all that will go on in Wisconsin’s football practices this week. But a “taking a knee” clinic will no doubt be included.
You think YOUR team is bad? WKMG TV in Orlando felt they needed to run a scrolled message today saying that NFL policy states the station must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. The end of the message said: “We apologize for any inconvenience.”
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And we wonder why we have gridlock. The Tea Party in Kentucky is backing a primary challenger to Senator Mitch McConnell, because they think he compromises too much and is too moderate….
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Silver lining moment: This was one Sunday when NY Jets fans know their team won’t disappoint them.
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–A young man was hospitalized with non-life threatening injures after he fell four stories through a skylight at an Massachusetts Institute of Technology fraternity. Shocking. MIT has fraternities?
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Another thought on the above young man. Just guessing he got an F on that first aeronautical engineering project?
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Oops. This correction in Arizona Highways magazine after an article on edible wild plants: “The fly agaric mushroom should not be consumed in its raw form because of its unpredictable psychotropic and physical effects,”
Unsaid to those who already tried the fly agaric, also known as a “magic mushroom”, – we REALLY hope you aren’t driving.
(or as friends of mine suggest… flying..)
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Larry Summers withdrew his name from consideration for Federal Reserve chairman. Thereby wasting more than a few Senators’ already written speeches against him.
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Anyone watching SF Giants and 49ers today who didn’t know the standings might have guessed the wrong team expected to go to the postseason. (And the Giants scored more too.)
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Not sure what would have helped the 49ers tonight? Maybe more lightning?
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Okay, Richard Sherman was smirking after tonight’s 49rs-Seahawks game. But have to think that somewhere Alex Smith was smiling just a little bit.
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Tags: 49ers joke, janice hough jokes, Miss America jokes, NFL jokes, Seahawks jokes, SF Giants jokes
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September 14, 2013
A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”
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ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.
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Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?
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The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.
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This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?
Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”
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Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.
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Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.
.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby. If this story isn’t true it should be. Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bieber jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, janice hough jokes, Johnny Manziel jokes, Oregon jokes
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September 13, 2013
Hope everyone had a safe Friday the 13th. And remember, black cats are only really unlucky if you trip over one while you are texting and walking.
The SI report on abuses at Oklahoma State includes football players saying that recruits and school hostesses had sex. Shocking. Guess the gals were supposed to wait to sleep with the players until after they had committed.
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Strange times in Pittsburgh. The Pirates may well be playing meaningful games later into the year than the Steelers.
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A Pennsylvania judge Thursday ordered a suburban Philadelphia court clerk to stop issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Where is the conservative outrage about judicial activism and government interference in private lives?
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Sign of the times: Chris Davis tonight became the latest member of baseball’s 50 HR club. A feat that now not only brings “Congratulations,” but also “Wonder what he’s taking”
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Some like to ascribe natural disasters to God’s punishment of sinful behavior: Haven’t heard any of those folks wondering whether the floods in Colorado might mean God didn’t like the state voting out representatives who favor gun control.
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A story on NFL.com today is titled “Concussion issue continues to grow in Major League Baseball.” Large black pot, smaller black kettle?
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A U.S. man who was trying to emulate the movie “Up” and cross the Atlantic Ocean from Maine to France using only hundreds of helium balloons, has landed a bit short…. in Newfoundland. “Missed it by THAT much” said Darwin.
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For two hours yesterday, United was accidentally selling tickets online for $10 roundtrip. Which means by the time fees are added a lot of people will have purchased trips for only about $400.
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Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s mom, was arrested last night for DWI and speeding in New York, allegedly with a blood alcohol of .20. Guess the apple didn’t stagger far from the tree.
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The Russian newspaper Pravda is indicating that in response to Putin’s op-ed in the NY Times, they will accept and print John McCain’s rebuttal op-ed. That is, unless they get a better offer – like an op-ed from Sarah Palin.
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Tiger Woods was penalized two strokes today in the BMW tournament for moving his ball. Not nearly as much as the, uh, moving balls cost him with Elin….
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Tags: janice hough jokes, MLB jokes, Oklahoma State jokes, Putin jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
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September 12, 2013
Mount McKinley, the tallest mountain in the USA, has gotten a bit shorter. It’s now measured at 20,237 instead of 20,320 feet. What an outrage. I blame Obama.
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Apparently Aaron Hernandez will not be allowed to watch the Patriots while he is jail awaiting trial. If the authorities really wanted to punish him, however, they’d make former Gator Hernandez watch replays of last week’s Florida-Miami game.
Geno Smith, 3 interceptions in the 4th quarter. Can hear the chants all the way from California – “Tebow, Tebow, Tebow…”
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Two Saskatchewan Roughriders (CFL) players have been charged with aggravated assault following an August bar fight. Were the two trying to prove they really belonged in the NFL?
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Apple stock has fallen after the much anticipated new iPhone updates turned out basically to be … new bright colors? And somewhere Steve Jobs is thinking “No one person is indispensable, my a**.”
Emirates Team New Zealand now has a commanding lead in the Americas’s Cup, in part due to tactical errors by Oracle Team USA. Maybe even the U.S. sailors are sick of being on the same team as Larry Ellison.
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From Bill LIttlejohn: “Ndamakong Suh reportedly threatened a cable guy with a pellet gun.This time, though, an overwhelming number of frustrated subscribers have offered to help pay his fine”
Michelle Obama is now getting criticized for saying “Drink just one more glass of water a day and you can make a real difference for your health, your energy, and the way you feel.” You do get the sense if she made a statement in support of motherhood and apple pie that the immediate reaction would be “what about fathers and cherry pie?”
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Newt Gingrich says that Putin’s NY Times opinion piece is a “lie.” And if anyone knows lies, it’s a man who’s said three times “until death do us part.”
The silly season never goes away…. A Republican operative posted a screenshot of Montana Lt. Gov (and likely 2014 Senate candidate) John Walsh’s FB page. Apparently he had “liked” a profile with pictures of women’s breasts called “Breasts. Proof that men can multitask2” Walsh said the “like” was a mistake and deleted it. At least the Lt. Gov didn’t feel compelled to say that that he DIDN’T like breasts.
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Putin in his anti-American-exceptionalism op-ed in the NY Times: “We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.” Unless you are female, Chechen, or gay.
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Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, blame obama jokes, Jets jokes political jokes, Putin jokes
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September 11, 2013
As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.
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My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.
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McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.
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Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs
What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.
Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.
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USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.
Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.
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Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.
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Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…
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Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?
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Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, Disney jokes, football jokes, janice hough jokess, Redskins jokes, Texas jokes, USC jokes
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September 10, 2013
SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”
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Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?
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The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.
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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?
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As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.
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Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?
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Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..
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Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?
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Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?
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Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.
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Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.
Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ariel Castro jokes, janice hough jokes, New York jokes, NFL jokes, Spitzer jokes, Weiner jokes
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September 10, 2013
George Zimmerman was briefly taken into custody over an alleged incident involving his estranged wife and a gun. So congratulations to all those who had September 9 in the pool.
North Carolina Police said an 11 year-old girl accidentally shot and killed her 19 (not a typo) year-old stepfather when he was showing her his new handgun. (Mom is 35) The silver lining to this sad story, since he was her stepfather, the young man qualifies for a Darwin Award.,
My friend Chris Eisenberg wonders how the family with the 35 year-old mom and 11 year-old daughter who accidentally shot her 19-year-old stepfather doesn’t have a reality show. Actually, I think they might be working on one: “Here comes Honey Boom Boom.”
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It’s only week one but we know the NFL season is in full swing: Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is already looking at discipline from the NFL for an illegal hit against the Vikings.
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Anthony Weiner responded grumpily to a question about the whereabouts of his wife on the Today Show Monday saying, that his campaign “was always about me.” Uh, Mr. Danger, everything was always about you. Which is part of the problem.
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But what about feeding her family? A judge denied Jamie McCourt request to throw out their $131 million divorce settlement. The former L.A. Dodgers CEO believes her ex-husband Frank McCourt misled her about the value of the team, which he sold for $2 billion. A shame these two got divorced, they so richly deserve each other.
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The Arena football team LA KISS has offered Tim Tebow a 3 year QB contract. Not sure how it would work out on the field, but any poster featuring Tebow with Gene Simmons has best seller potential.
The Washington Redskins are 0-1 #IblameObama
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Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles made him a winner in his NFL coaching debut. Mostly surprising the East Coast media who figured that he’d only coached at Oregon, and thus had no experience with professional players.
A field goal with time expiring meant the Houston Texans won Tuesday Morning Football.
But really, what was it with this super late start time of the Texans-Chargers game. It’s not like the NFL was competing tonight with real late night sports television – like a Yankees-Red Sox game.
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A face-saving way out… with no bombing? Reports are that Syria may now accept a proposal to put their weapons under international control.” So do we blame Obama?
It may now be a non-issue if Assad accepts turning over control of his weapons, but the GOP is saying that President Obama won’t be able to get any legislation passed in his second term if the House turns down his request to authorize a strike on Syria. Really? As opposed to all the legislation they were going to pass if Syria never happened?
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Tags: Darwin Award jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL Jokes. Weiner jokes, Tebow jokes
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September 8, 2013
Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.
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A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.
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Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison
–115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.
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Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.
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Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”
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From T.C. “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”
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Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”
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With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.
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Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….
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Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.
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NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Prince Andrew jokes, referee jokes, USC jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 