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Decision time.

August 26, 2013

Going to be a tough call for what to do with Syria. But the GOP is certain; whatever President Obama decides will be wrong.

 

The Buffalo Bills signed Matt Leinart to add QB depth. Giving a whole new NFL fan base the opportunity to be disappointed by an ex-USC quarterback.

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In some ways, Matt Barkley was precocious.   A  star USC QB who started disappointing fans before he turned pro.

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 Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal on “Meet the Press” denounced some in his own party, saying “Let’s not talk about impeachment. Let’s actually talk about the policy we disagree with.” Wow. Is Jindal trying to be so reasonable he gets kicked out of the GOP?

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Taylor Swift was caught on camera mouthing STFU towards ex-boyfriend Harry Styles at the VMA awards Sunday night. Can understand her animosity, but at this rate, Taylor’s going to have a hard time finding someone at these award shows who ISN’T an ex.

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Does Taylor Swift go on Match.com and put as her number one criteria “Must be good songwriting material for after our breakup?

 

The Mets are out of it, the Yankees are barely in the playoff picture, and Mark Sanchez gets injured in a game where Geno Smith stunk. No pressure now, Eli. And how about those Knicks?

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How embarrassing could Rex Ryan’s decision to put Mark Sanchez in in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game turn out to be?

If it turns out Sanchez is out for a while and Smith is as big of a dud as he looked like Saturday, Ryan may start saying to the media “Enough. Isn’t it time for you to ask me about my foot fetish?”

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The Arizona D’backs beat the Philadelphia Phillies last night in an 18 inning game that lasted 7 hours. 7 hours? Are we sure the Red Sox and Yankees weren’t involved?

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz said today that he is “not convinced” that President Barack Obama himself wouldn’t defund Obamacare if Congress gave him the opportunity to do so. And up in Canada they’re thinking “Thank God he’s not one of ours anymore.”

 

Well at least ESPN is consistent. Headline from the Barclay’s tournament this weekend “Tiger Woods finishes tied for 2nd.” Gosh, did someone actually win the thing?

 

A Chicago Cubs batting weight was spotted today in the Pirates’ on deck circle today in San Francisco. Hmm, is that the reason Pittsburgh was shut out by the Giants?

 

–Serious thought:  The minimum age to be charged with a crime in Louisiana is 10, so an 8 year old boy who shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver with her own gun was released to his parents. If we can’t change gun ownership laws, could we at least adopt the British rule of REQUIRING guns to be locked in a safe place – a gun cabinet or a safe? (And yes, British police can inspect to make sure this is done.)

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And the winner is?

February 10, 2013

You know you’re getting old when, it’s not that you don’t like the music on the Grammy awards, it’s that you have no idea who some of the acts are.

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Singer Chris Brown says paparazzi caused him to crash his car into a wall in Beverly Hills Saturday night. Wonder how long it will be before Brown denies hitting the wall.

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459,000 people are without power after Nemo. 459,040 when the NY Mets set their active roster after Spring Training.

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Nemo snow total in Central Park – 11 inches. Otherwise known as a Subway Foot.

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Northwestern has announced they will play 5 football games over the next several years at Wrigley Field. Said coach Pat Fitzgerald, “I don’t think anyone has ever had a bad day at Wrigley Field.” He clearly forgot about the guys wearing Cubs uniforms.

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On Friday, USC fired their football offensive coordinator. Because nothing, ever is Lane Kiffin’s fault.

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Tiger Woods has apparently been spending a lot of time with Lindsey Vonn since her skiing accident. Makes sense for Tiger, since Vonn is on crutches, there’s zero chance if it goes south that she can wield a golf club.

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The Boston Red Sox announced that outfield prospect Bryce Brentz accidentally shot himself in the leg last month. The NRA immediately called for legs to be armed.

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Ann Coulter is angry at PBS’s Mark Shields for calling her “The Marie Antoinette of the Conservative press corps.” She’s right. Shields should have called her their Louis XVI.

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There is now a $1 million bounty on fugitive ex-LA cop Charles Dorner. Thinking if you’re a large African-American man in Big Bear might be a good time to take a week away.

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Lindsey Graham said today he’ll block Obama’s nominees for Defense Secretary and CIA director if the White House doesn’t provide more information about Benghazi. Where was Graham’s outrage over, for example, the alleged WMDs?

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Los Angeles Lakers vs. Miami Heat Sunday.   ABC could have probably gotten even more viewers if NBA basketball games had the possible outcome of both teams losing.

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Former V.P Dick Cheney that President Barack Obama has jeopardized U.S. national security by nominating substandard candidates for key cabinet posts. I guess Cheney is still bitter that we’re not in the second term of a McCain-Palin administration.

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Three people died in a helicopter crash near Los Angeles while filming a reality show. Many Americans upon hearing the news had two reactions. 1. How horrible. 2. If it had to happen shame it wasn’t during a date on “The Bachelor.”

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Happy 2013.

January 1, 2013

And may your troubles only last as long as your New Year’s Resolutions.

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On a brighter note, your 2012 resolutions are officially null and void.

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In honor of the NY Jets, rumor has it that New Year’s Eve in  Times Square the ball wasn’t declared “dropped,”  it was “butt-fumbled.”

 

Two hours after midnight in D.C., the Senate passed a bill to avert the “fiscal cliff” 89-8. 89-8?! That’s not a vote count, that’s a score for an SEC team against one of their out-of-conference football opponents.

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President Obama said  early Monday of a potential fiscal cliff deal that if there were even “one second left for Congress to do what they’re suppose to do, they will use that one second.” Of course Congress being largely male he might have added some of them will do anything to avoid their wives’ New Year’s Eve parties.

 

Seven NFL coaches at least fired Monday. I blame Obama.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Coaching question of the night. Who will be the next fool to overpay Lane Kiffin?

 

San Diego Zoo sign in front of tiger enclosure. “For your safety please stay behind railing.”. May I suggest that if you need the sign, you’re already well on your way to some future Darwin award.

 

The Chicago Bears fired coach Lovie Smith after a 10 win season. In Washington, wonder if 10 wins will be enough to save the job of Randy Wittman, coach of the Wizards.

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UCLA, who lost to Baylor 49 to 26, would like to thank USC. Since the Trojans, by losing 21 to 7 to a sub .500 (6-7) Georgia Tech team, have just taken over the title of most embarrassing team in the Pac 12.

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Over the cliff?

December 27, 2012

A commercial during the Holiday Bowl is from online Ashford University. Well, it got some results. At the University of Alabama, they immediately contacted the school to see about arranging a game on their 2013 football schedule.

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West Coast teams often complain about their games taking place too late at night for the East Coast media to pay attention. After tonight I’m predicting we will not hear that complaint from the UCLA Bruins.

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We could solve this fiscal cliff issue real fast if Congress met at a real cliff. And if every 15 minutes after the deadline members of each party took turns pushing a Congressperson from the other party off of it.

 

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Remember all those jokes early this year when Stanford barely beat San Jose State? The Spartans just won the Military Bowl to finish 11-2…. (Now, about some of those SEC cupcake games…)

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Richard Sherman won his “contaminated sample” PED appeal. So will he be sending a bottle of champagne to Ryan Braun?

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USC’s Matt Barkley is still nursing a shoulder injury and will not play in the Sun Bowl. But he hopes to follow in the great tradition of Trojan QBs and be healthy enough in 2013 to hold an NFL clipboard.

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The Brooklyn Nets have fired coach Avery Johnson after a 14-14 start. The Washington Wizards wonder if the team has something against overachievers.

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President Obama left his family in Hawaii and cut his vacation short to head back to Washington and work on avoiding the fiscal cliff. Waiting for the GOP to accuse him of wasting money by making Air Force One take an extra trip.

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From my friend Jim Barach:  Starbucks baristas in Washington, D.C. are writing “come together” on cups in order to get Congress to avert the fiscal cliff. Of course, the fiscal cliff wouldn’t be an issue if the federal government could figure out a way to get as much money out of people every day as they do at Starbucks.

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Not so greatest hit?

November 30, 2012

After she allegedly punched another woman in the face at a Manhattan nightclub, Lindsay Lohan was arrested early this morning. So congratulations to all those who had November 29 in the pool.

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Silver lining for Lindsay Lohan after her latest arrest, for punching a woman in the face at a nightclub. She may not get any new offers to star in made-for-TV movies, but Lohan stands a good chance of a contract from Celebrity Boxing.

B.J. Upton,, who hit .246 last year, signed a $75.25 million, five-year contract with the Atlanta Braves. Forget the Hall of Fame, MLB players should build a SHRINE to Marvin Miller and Curt Flood..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Hostess Brands Inc. is asking a judge to approve giving its top execs bonuses totaling up to $1.8 million. The company says the incentive pay is needed to retain the 19 managers during the liquidation process, which could take about a year. Maybe they could pay them in Twinkies?

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V.P. Joe Biden made a public shopping trip and chose the new Costco in Washington, D.C. Makes sense, picking up “a few” items at Costco is like Biden himself saying “a few” words.

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho: “As Mitt Romney drove away following the meeting, White House staffers did a quick check to locate Bo.”

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“Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu was suspended from the LSU team in Aug. over drug charges, then arrested for marijuana possession while in rehab. Now Mathieu is entering the next NFL draft, saying he is “committed to tackling my personal issues” And what better place than the NFL to avoid temptation?

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A Oregon man lost on Mount Hood in a blizzard was rescued from a storm after he posted a screenshot to Facebook with his GPS coordinates. Of course, maybe if he hadn’t been updating his FB page while hiking he might not have gotten lost in the first place.

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While they didn’t hit the big Powerball, 20 police officers in Columbus, Ohio will share a $1 million prize. To paraphrase Homer Simpson “Mmm, donuts. LOTS of donuts….”

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The  NCAA just approved a bowl waiver for Georgia Tech’s, allowing them to playa bowl game even if they lose to Florida State this weekend and finish 6-7.  Well, how heartbreaking is this for all those 5-8 teams who came oh so close to the postseason….

 

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The Spurs will apparently be fined after sending Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili home to rest before playing the Grizzlies Saturday, causing them to miss Thursday’s game against the Heat. Guess San Antonio should have followed NBA regular season protocol and just had their stars show up and sleepwalk through the game.

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Trojan failure?

November 27, 2012

Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.

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But really, the Spartans over the Trojans?  Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?

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So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.

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UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.

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The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?

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Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.

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Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?

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Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”

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A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.

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A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.

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Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be)  my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.

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T’is the season…

November 9, 2012

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a bit of a break between the election and holiday shopping season?

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Silver lining to stores increasingly planning to open on Thanksgiving: It means an excuse other than football not to talk to your relatives.

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So “The X Factor”, which purports to discover talent, is now co-hosted by Khloe Kardashian. Anyone but me find that kind of an oxymoron?

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Two rushing TD’s for Andrew Luck  Thursday night.   Who does he think he is? RG3?

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Meanwhile,  Joe Namath is the latest to publicly question why the NY Jets aren’t using Tim Tebow more often. And some Jets fans are so frustrated they’re thinking “Joe, I wanna kiss you.”

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In college football , Cal (3-7) is playing Oregon (9-0) in Berkeley this Saturday, The Ducks have outscored opponents 176-29 in the first quarter so far in 2012. So a simple tip for Bears fans who want to see a close game – get there early.

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A USC student football manager was suspended for deflating five game balls below regulation levels (which apparently makes them easier to throw) for last week’s USC-Oregon game. Insert USC ‘no real balls” joke here:

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Guess the media is still getting used to slower news days after the election. A CNN.com headline – “Thanksgiving planes likely to be full.” (Uh, can anyone remember a year when they weren’t?”)

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Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered  they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials.

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USC coach Lane Kiffin now insists publicly that a student-manager who intentionally deflated footballs (to make them easier for Matt Barkley to throw) against Oregon, acted completely on his own. Wonder if Kiffin added privately “Wish I’d thought of that before we played Stanford.”

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NY Jets CB Antonio Cromartie guaranteed the Jets will be playing in the 2012 postseason. What, like he guaranteed the eight mothers of his children that he wouldn’t get them pregnant?

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Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it?

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From my friend Tom Dodd:  Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office.

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Talk to me?

September 18, 2012

Friends of Amanda Bynes are reportedly worried about her, one told TMZ he saw her on several occasions having long conversations with inanimate objects. But maybe Amanda’s fine, she’s just auditioning for a part in the next Clint Eastwood movie?

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The author of “50 Shades of Gray,” E.L. James, who has 15 and 17 year old boys, says the books are her “fantasies writ large.” And you think your mother was embarrassing when you were a teenager…

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USC coach Lane Kiffin said that Matt Barkley made two “really poor decisions” in the Stanford game, but also that the offensive line “did have the most missed assignments we ever had anywhere we’ve been.” Way to have your team’s back, Lane.

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President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the “birther” dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn’t teach evolution.

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Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar apparently wore eye black during a game against the Red Sox with a gay slur spelled out on it. MLB is looking into the incident . If Escobar doesn’t get fined for the slur, he should be fined for being stupid enough to put it in writing.

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Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn’t affect any of the football players.

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A librarian claims she lost 76 pounds in two years by only eating at Starbucks. Makes sense, how many calories could she afford?

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Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his “weakest roster in the history of baseball” comment, now says “that wasn’t meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization.” I think I like “was pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

 

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What is it about men from Massachusetts running campaigns for President (who aren’t named Kennedy)?  – Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: “There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on govt no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that govt. has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing….”

(way to go after that Florida senior vote.)

 

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More about  comment on the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax – “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”    Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts?

 

 

 

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And who saw this coming?

September 16, 2012

 

 

Is it really an upset when a college team defeats another for the fourth year in a row? Just asking?

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Wonder if Lane Kiffin has already started looking for his next opportunity to underachieve?

 

 

My son heard this from Erin Andrews post-game on ESPN – “Stanford students are really smart but they won’t be going to class tomorrow after celebrating all night…” You can’t put anything past those University of Florida graduates.

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Wonder if USC can take solace is that Stanford only beat the Trojans by four points more than they beat San Jose State.

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Meanwhile the MVP for Ohio State today may be Cal’s field goal kicker.

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Question of the night. What was more unlikely? Stanford beating USC tonight? Or the SF Giants being 8-0 in Barry Zito’s last eight starts?

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No comment: Rick Santorum at a Values Voter Summit today – “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

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Now Italian and Irish magazines announce plans to print those topless pictures of Kate. In the U.S., women think “This is outrageous,” men think “When can we see them?”

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Cattiness?

September 10, 2012

USC QB Matt Barkley on the NCAA sanctions: “People thought we were going to be a broken program for years and years. The institution tried to crush us, and we came out victorious.” Can’t imagine how the Trojans get their reputation for arrogance.

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Joe Biden referred to today’s GOP as “a different breed of cat.” Prompting demands for an apology from cat owners.

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Mitt Romney said in a speech today, that “I will not take God out of the name of our platform” and “I will not take God off our coins.” Shocking, with his mega-millions, Romney has ever looked at an actual coin?

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Question of the day.  Is RG3 that good?  Or is the Saints defense that bad?

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Shocking state of the week in college football – there are almost as many Pac 12 teams (5) as there are SEC teams (6) in the top 25.

(although in case any football fans fear this is a sign of the apocalypse , some order has been restored –  Alabama and LSU are 1-2.)

 

Mitt Romney said this morning on “Meet the Press”  that  he liked and would keep some parts of Obamacare. Then later today he told the National Review his positions on repealing it hadn’t changed.  Wow.  I  could never even change my Etch a Sketch pictures THAT fast.

 

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The New York Yankees are furious over a questionable game-ending call that one NY paper said could cost them the AL East. Well, that and the fact that a team with a $197 million payroll now isn’t outplaying one with a payroll of $81 million.

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Arkansas 31, Louisiana-Monroe 34, in overtime. Gosh, I hope the SEC doesn’t use this as an excuse to lower academic standards to attract better athletes.

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Paul Ryan says that Obama has “gone to great lengths to make oil and gas more expensive.” Yep, the President will stop at nothing to get re-elected.

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So wonder how long it will take Paul Ryan to accuse Barack Obama of keeping unemployment artificially high?

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Truth in advertising?

December 22, 2011

Ad for a Florida chain – “Dick’s Sporting Goods” “Every season begins with Dicks.” You can say that again.

(From Tammy Serna again, “One could argue Christmas started without one.”)

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Matt Barkley called a news conference today to announce whether or not he is staying in school or entering the draft? A news conference? Really? Of course this being USC I suppose we should be glad they aren’t doing a one-hour special.

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And it turns out Barkley is returning for his senior season. Good news for Trojan fans. With Lane Kiffin as coach, this could be the school’s one and only year off probation.

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Another Barkley, Charles quoted on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” about the GOP debates. “As a democrat who loves the president I am positively giddy.

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TMZ reports that NBC correspondent Jay Gray, who was reporting on the abuse scandal, was arrested last week on DUI charges after attending a party at Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer’s house. Is there something in the water in State College that turns grown up men associated with sports into idiotic a**holes?

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Looks like President Obama won this round of chicken over the payroll tax with John Boehner. Pleasing many Democrats who were just hoping for Christmas that the President would get his cajones back.

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Stephen Colbert says he will pay $500,000 to help fund South Carolina’s first-in-the-South GOP presidential primary. Heck for that amount of money, his name recognition and the “Anyone but Romney” mentality, Colbert could WIN the S.C GOP primary.

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Yale coach Tom Willams has resigned after it was learned that he falsified his resume about being a Rhodes scholarship final and playing on the practice squad with the SF 49ers. On a brighter note, Williams was offered a job at UCF with George O’Leary.

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Mitt Romney, answering Newt Gingrich’s complaints about negative advertising. “But you know, this is politics, and if you can’t stand the heat in this little kitchen, wait until the Obama’s Hell’s Kitchen turns up the heat.” Actually, not a bad idea, since Congress isn’t working together, wonder if the President can put in a call to Gordon Ramsey?

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Jerry Greene at ESPN.com’s latest top ten list. Top ten signs your sport marriage is in trouble. Honored to have one in there plus the closing line. http://espn.go.com/espn/page2/story/_/id/7379083/readers-provide-top-10-tips-high-profile-marriage-trouble

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Until death or reality do us part.

November 1, 2011

Congrats to V.P. Joe Biden’s daughter Ashley, who announced her engagement today. The happy couple will set a wedding date as soon as they convince Dad that really, the father of the bride doesn’t HAVE to give a speech.

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The Lions not only crushed the Broncos, they mocked Tim Tebow, and Ndamukong Suh said “Evil prevails.” Some think God might get them for that. But God just smiled and said three words – “Winter in Detroit.”

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Kim Kardashian is expected to file for divorce today from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries. I have posted something like this before but have to say it again: And this is the kind of traditional marriage some in the GOP say is “America’s most important institution,” and want to pass an amendment to protect?

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But really? 72 days?!! Guess Kim and Kris had to wait for for the E! TV special of their $10 million wedding to air earlier this month.

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My friend Alex Kaseberg said the marriage “couldn’t take that dreaded seven-week itch.”

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Tom Tolbert pointed out today on KNBR that Kris and Kim pocketed over $18 million dollars from various media in their their brief marriage, most of it for the rights to their televised wedding. (Similar numbers were reported by the U.K. Guardian.) Even if Tolbert’s numbers were off by a bit that’s the most money for a quickly regretted contract since JaMarcus Russell signed with the Raiders.

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But okay, there were signs this might not last -like in the gift registry where there was allegedly a note at the bottom, if they split up do you want your gift to stay with Kris or Kim?

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At least Kim can keep the monogrammed “K K” towels.

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Still mad about not getting a time out called at the end of regulation Saturday night against Stanford, USC coach Lane Kiffin is railing against the officials and saying he was “deceived.” Kiffin’s former employers are just giggling.

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Well, USC isn’t bowl eligible, so maybe Kiffin is trying to show that while his team can’t have the Roses, they can at least have the Whine.-
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Lane Kiffen even quoted Knox, his 2-year-old son, as knowing more than the officials. Many longtime Kiffin watchers are laying odds that Knox is already more mature about losing than his daddy.

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Late night update, the Pac 12 has just fined Lane Kiffin $10,000 for criticizing the officials. $10,000?! Wow, when Reggie Bush was at USC that was almost a full game’s salary.

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Tony La Russa is retiring as the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals. Actually, he really retired a couple days ago, but he tried to announce the decision by phone.

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Ever the intellectual, Tony LaRussa said that one of his post retirement plans might be opening a bookstore. Asked some of his current and former players – “What’s a bookstore?”

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C.C. Sabathia signed a 5 year, $122 million contract with the Yankees. That’s probably enough to feed him AND his family.

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From Marc Ragovin: So the Mets announced that they are bringing in the walls and lowering the fences at Citi Field. Now if they will only hide the scoreboard

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Rep. Jackie Speier (D-San Mateo) says she is trying to feed herself this week on only 4.50 a day, which is what most people on food stamps get each day. While it’s an interesting experiment, I’d rather see those in Congress try to live long-term with only the healthcare plans available to most Americans.

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The good, the bad and the ugly.

October 31, 2011

Apparently when Texas A and M lost to Missouri last season, coach Mike Sherman set fire to the game plan, playbook and tape. The Aggies collapsed again in the second half against Missouri Saturday. College Station firefighters have been put on full alert.

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USC safety T.J. McDonald aided Stanford’s last regulation drive when he got a 15 yard penalty for knocking receiver Chris Owusu semi-conscious. This after he got THREE similar penalties against ASU. Think McDonald is trying a little too hard to show he is NFL ready.

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Millions will apparently be without power for a while in the Northeast. And for tonight, those millions included the Dallas Cowboys’ offense.

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Tim Tebow fans have been adopting their hero’s kneel and pray habit. “Big deal” responded Detroit Lions fans. “We’ve been praying for years.” (And it’s beginning to pay off.)

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So much for Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the Promised Land. Or at least the playoffs.

Maybe God just wanted to hear a lot of new “Christians-Lions” jokes. (Please feel free to add them in comments.)

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The Dolphins folded late, keeping their hopes alive in the “SuckforLuck” race. Could be a real shock for Miami fans if they get Andrew Luck – having a star who steps up in the fourth quarter.

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Must be interesting as a defense attorney in the Conrad Murray trial: Basically your case is,”Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Mr. Jackson was bound and determined to kill himself at some point. My client was just the unlikely doctor there at the time.”

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Still, it would be weird if anyone in the courtroom had a heart attack or something. I can hear the cries now “Is there any other doctor in the house?”

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To err is human, to really scr*w things up requires a computer: Stanford demolished #25 Washington last week and fell in the BCS computer rankings. This week the Cardinal needed triple overtime to beat #22 USC, and leapfrogged Boise State in the same rankings.

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After indicating that he might just skip future debates, Rick Perry has now committed to at least five more. Apparently the Texas Governor feels the need for the public forums to expose Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper.

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Now Fox’s Chris Wallace is complaining about Mitt Romney, that Mitt hasn’t appeared on any Sunday talk show since March 2010, and that he invited “Gov. Romney again this week, but his campaign says he’s still not ready to sit down for an interview.” Well, yeah, how can you do an interview when you haven’t figured out what your positions are yet?

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Passengers on a JetBlue flight scheduled from Fort Lauderdale to Newark ended up stranded on the tarmac at Bradley International Airport in Hartford, Connecticut for more than seven hours Saturday. As awful as the ordeal was some said it was still better than seven hours in Newark.

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India’s first Formula One raceDelhi event is basically sold out despite the cost, with the most expensive tickets costing up to about USD $200,000. Upon hearing this, Roger Goodell starting looking into the possibility for NFL games in Delhi.

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Twisted joke (but I like it) from my friend Neil Berliner: “The Madoffs tried to kill themselves by prescription overdoses. But the pharmacist scammed them with worthless placebos.”

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Cardinal (barely) rules.

October 30, 2011

From USA Today about tonight’s Stanford-USC marathon: “It turned out to be messy and gut-wrenching, sloppy and dramatic, heroic and exhausting.” Yep, that just about summed it up. Went to a football game and it turned into game six of the World Series.

Stanford may not be completely happy about keeping their perfect record by escaping with a 56-48 overtime win over USC. On the other hand, fans of Kansas State and Clemson would gladly trade places with the Cardinal.

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Great sign at USC tailgate “Party like there’s no postseason.”

(as my friend Alex Schubert said, “they stole it from Wrigley Field.”)

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In the midst of a labor dispute, Qantas abruptly grounded its global fleet, and Australia’s government sought a court order to force the airline to fly. Said one official “I know is there is a better way to resolve these matters … than locking your customers out.” Really, who do Qantas management think they are? NBA owners?

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United Airlines is running ads saying to book Thanksgiving travel now to create happy family memories. Wonder if that means when they cancel flights you have an excuse not to be with your family.

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The NBA has now cancelled games through November 30. So now players have decisions to make, as to spending Thanksgiving with which one of their families.

(Augie says, “Or start new ones.”)

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Had a client from New York ask if a certain hotel in Hawaii would be full of children and Japanese tourists in January. Resisted the urge to respond, “Interesting, I’ve had families and foreigners ask if the hotel would be full of New Yorkers.”

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A Norwegian study found that people who have trouble getting a decent night’s sleep may also face a higher risk of heart attack. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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God now wishes to deny rumors of His/Her being involved with the outcome of the World Series. She/He is focusing all attention right now on helping Tim Tebow.

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Stupidity knows no party boundaries: California Dem. Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi of Castro Valley has been charged with felony grand theft for allegedly shoplifting over $2,4000 worth of clothes from Neiman Marcus in San Francisco. Her spokesman said she had walked out “unintentionally” with the clothes. Well at least Hayashi didn’t claim it was “redistribution.”

(And these $2400 plus of clothes. A blouse, a skirt, and a pair of leather pants. Yep, you know she was at “Needless Markup.”)

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Rehab express:

June 12, 2011

After his confession Monday, Anthony Weiner announced Saturday that he has requested a leave of absence from Congress while he enters rehab at an undisclosed location. So congratulations to all those who had “five days” in the pool.

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And what make Weiner decide to enter rehab?  Repairing his image, redemption, or the chance to meet and tweet Lindsay Lohan?

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What a guy. Anthony Weiner now says that he did have online contact with a 17-year-old girl but said the communications were “neither explicit nor indecent.” Right, it was just the communications with the other dozen women that were both explicit and indecent.

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Harold Camping, the radio preacher who predicted the end of the world last month, has been hospitalized after suffering a stroke at his Northern California home Thursday night. Apparently he is in stable condition but cannot speak. Guess even God gets to the point sometimes of saying “STFU.”

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Reporters are pouring through tens of thousands of recently released Sarah Palin emails. Wonder how many of the fundraising ones begin “Dear friend, I am writing to you about an urgent matter of a confidential nature….”

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Former Trojans and current Seahawk coach Pete Carroll  said that USC’s losing their 2004 was “unfortunate.” Although he added, the “most unfortunate thing … kids that were in junior high at the time, or in grade school, are paying the price for it.” Although Carroll didn’t suggest that NCAA actually punish the guilty – by say, levying serious fines on the coaches….

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Many viewers thought that “The Bachelorette’s” William’s jokes about insecure Ashley were the most ill-conceived and embarrassing standup routine of the year. But Tracy Morgan just took care of that.

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Most asked question these days in Washington, D.C., to iPhone customer service. “Uh, so is there a way to recall and delete texts and pictures?”

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Marc Ragovin’s take on my joke about British royalty:

Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Prince Phillip, just turned 90, making him the second-longest serving consort of a monarch in history, right behind Stedman Graham.

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Gallows humor.

May 27, 2011

A little gallows humor for Giants’ fans: Many are wondering in the wake of Posey’s injury about Bengie Molina, who hasn’t officially retired. But Mercury News writer Andrew Baggarly hears “at least as of two months ago, Molina was not in any kind of shape to play.” Well, doesn’t sound much different from last year.

A 27 year old Rockies fan died today after a 20 foot fall at Coors Field in Denver. He had lost his balance after trying to slide down a staircase railing.

The man had been taken off life support after being declared brain dead Wednesday.  While I don’t mean to minimize the pain his friends and relatives must be going thru, with all due respect, he was brain dead when he decided to slide down that railing.

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Apparently green-minded students this year at more than 250 colleges and universities  have the option to get graduation gowns made from recycled plastic bottles.  Still others can buy gowns made from wood pulp, instead of the standard polyester.

Many basketball and football powerhouse schools say they have an even greener option.  They don’t waste anything with gowns, because their students don’t graduate in the first place.

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There are more and more rumors of other alleged Schwarzenegger mistresses and brief liasons. Here we thought Arnold dreamed he should be President, maybe he just dreamed he was the world’s greatest golfer.

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Interesting sidelight about John Edwards’ alleged use of campaign funds to pay for his mistress.  Edwards might almost be as rich as Schwarzenegger.  As Augie suggests, perhaps Arnold might have told John “Don’t be such a girly man, pay up.”

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MSNBC host Ed Schultz has accepted a one week suspension, and has apologized for calling conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham a ‘right-wing slut’ on his syndicated radio program Tuesday. So is the apology for calling her “right-wing” or for calling her a “slut?”

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With the Heat into the finals, the impossible has become reality; most of America will actually be rooting for Mark Cuban.

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The New York Mets reportedly sold part of their team today. Mets fans were hoping it was the bullpen.

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The NCAA infractions appeals committee has upheld all penalties and findings against USC football, The Trojans will lose 30 scholarships over the next three years are banned again from this year’s postseason. 

For some reason the committee didn’t buy the school’s defense, which basically boiled down to “But we’re USC!”

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Sarah Palin has announced a bus trip “to connect with our founders, our patriots, our challenges and victories.” And to “appreciate the significance of our nation’s historic sites, patriotic events and diverse cultures, which we’ll do in the coming weeks on our “One Nation” tour. Wonder if Sarah will meet up with Michelle Bachman in Lexington NH to commemorate the “shot heard round the world.?”

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Just how young are American Idol finalists Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina? At their ages, Lindsay Lohan hadn’t even entered her first rehab yet.

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The NFL and other professional football.

January 24, 2011

(if this post seems out of order, it should have been up Saturday night, ah, technology.)

USC has gone back to the NCAA infractions committee in hopes of having their football bowl ban and other punishments reduced. The Trojans are basing their appeal on the recently discovered section of the rulebook best known as the Auburn-Ohio State codicil.

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Over 78,000 fans showed up at Auburn University’s Jordan-Hare Stadium to celebrate the team’s national championship. Makes sense, many of them wanted just to make sure they saw the trophy before the NCAA takes it back.

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Okay, so California this year had exactly zero good NFL teams.  On the other hand, game time temperature in Chicago Sunday afternoon was 19 degrees.  In Pittsburgh, 15 degrees. Before wind chill.  So how about those Giants?

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In the spirit of bi-partisanism, many lawmakers in Washington D.C. will be sitting during the State of the Union with rivals and colleagues they might barely talk with at other times. In fact, rumor has it Bill might even sit with Hillary.

 

Pope Benedict XVI told priests Saturday to try to do a better job with pre-marriage counselling, adding that no one has an “absolute right” to a wedding. Yes, and who better to decide the potential viability of a marriage than a bunch of theoretically celibate men?

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That video of the woman texting and walking into the fountain has become one of the most popular of the year. The only problem? The number of accidents caused by people watching it on their phones and/or fowarding it to their friends while driving.

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The state of California, once again, is in dire financial straits and may have to issue IOUs.  But former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger could actually help the state out for a change.  Now that he is out of office, he could soon be back paying taxes on his profits from lousy movies.

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Finally, on the anniversary of Roe V. Wade:  Speakerof the House  John Boehner likes to tout how important anti-choice legislation is to him and the GOP.

But I have a question, while reasonable people can disagree on the abortion issue, how anyone possibly claim to be both “Pro” life, and “Anti” banning assault weapons?

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Moving on.

September 8, 2010

Regarding that Florida church and the Quran. Anyone who wants to demonstrate their First Amendment rights by burning a book is unclear on the concept.

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The Redskins are apparently in talks to trade Albert Haynesworth. This after the defensive tackle failed numerous conditioning tests and apparently has been just “awful” with a bad attitude in preseason games. At this point the only way Haynesworth could be less popular in Washington is to be part of Congress.

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The team most interested in Haynesworth apparently is his old team, Tennessee. But based on Albert’s performance and attitude lately bringing him back to Nashville could be a disaster of “Titanic” proportions.

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Fired HP CEO Mark Hurd, who just received $12 million PLUS stock options as part of his severance package, has now agreed to join Oracle as a co-president, no doubt for another eight-figure salary plus stock package. And these ex-CEO’s running for office wonder why many voters question their ability to relate to the average American.

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Actually with Hurd and Ellison in the same boardroom, the fastest way to make a lot of money in Silicon Valley for an attractive woman might be to hire on at Oracle as an executive-assistant. Seems like good odds on being able to file for sexual harrassment.
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Tuesday morning hangover for the BCS. Since Boise State didn’t fold on national TV and lose to Virginia Tech, this potentially means one less BCS bowl opening for the SEC or Notre Dame. Oh, the horror.

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So the Heisman Trophy Trust might make Reggie Bush the first person to be stripped of his trophy. What can we learn from this? Killing two people pales in comparison to taking gifts and getting USC put on probation.

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Manny Ramirez was slightly injured in Tuesday’s White Sox loss to the Tigers. Of course at this point in the season the team doctor may just put Manny on bedrest for his third trimester.

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Tiger Woods has been named to the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Well, makes sense, one thing he has shown he can do this past year is “Ryder.”

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Opening week…

September 5, 2010

So most Division 1 football teams have made it through the first week of the season. Many of them with wins against FCS opponents

(FCS – Football Championship Subdivision – formerly known as Division 1-AA)

But really, routs against FCS teams? This is like winning a hot dog eating contest with supermodels.

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Or being the NFL team who gets to open against the Detroit Lions.

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How the mighty have fallen. Jonathan Broxton was an All-Star closer and saved the game for the National League. Since then he hasn’t saved a game since Aug 3, and has lost his closer’s job with the Dodgers. And yesterday he gave up a two-run game winning home run against the Giants.

This could be the biggest and fastest fall for a star without an Escalade being involved.

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Manny Ramirez, who got a few hits in the series when the White Sox swept the Red Sox, said his departure from Boston was “my fault,” and he would have happily rejoined his old team had they claimed on waivers.

Okay, how many Sox fans would have expected more mature behavior out of Manny than Johnny Damon.

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from Nick Coombs: Matt Leinart was released from the Arizona Cardinals yesterday. Fortunately he still has a lot of money saved from when he played for USC.
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JetBlue apparently has fired Steven Slater, the flight attendant who became famous for his emergency chute beer-carrying exit. Makes sense, the only employees who can behave that badly in public and still keep their jobs are elected officials and professional athletes.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman stated “I have been a full-time candidate for well over 20 months. I’m battle tested now.” Uh, Meg, anybody warn you about little things like a budget and a legislature?

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Mark Hurd, former CEO of HP, is reportedly in talks to join Oracle. Makes sense, at Oracle being involved in a public sex case is practically an executive requirement.

(Larry Ellison has been linked to several office “romances” and at least one lawsuit, Oracle president Charles Phillips had his ex-mistress put a picture of the two together on a billboard in Times Square.)

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Reality, what reality?

August 11, 2010

Let’s get the really tacky one out of the way.. Anyone with delicate sensibilities please skip the first one (although in that case, what are you doing reading this blog anyway?)

Phil Mickelson says he’s being treated for arthritis. Guess he and Tiger both have had problems this year spending too much time being stiff.

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New USC coach Lane Kiffin has apparently suspended one of the top stars on his team, freshman running back Dillon Baxter, for the team’s season opener against Hawaii on Sept. 2. Well, that ought to get the spread down under 50.

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Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will apparently be charged with assault after a postgame fight which resulted in his father-in-law being taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Unfortunate, but New York fans knew it had to be a pitcher in that situation…Mets batters couldn’t hit anyone.

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From Marc Ragovin, “I’m not saying Mets manager Jerry Manuel — who is likely to be fired at season’s end — is planning to go out with a bang, but word is he spent all day yesterday playing with his grandkids’ water slide.”

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The jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial might be deadlocked. You know what that means….the former Illinois governor could wind up doing less time than Lindsay Lohan.

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A contractor hired to paint the word “school” on the road near a High School in North Carolina made it a “shcool” zone. Well, I guess that answers that question – “Whatever happened to Dan Quayle?”

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California Senate candidate and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says that U.S. corporations are better at creating jobs without government intervention. Yeah, but based on her tenure at HP, they are better at creating them in India and China.

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Chris Bosh said he was surprised by the negative reaction to LeBron’s primetime special. “I didn’t really see it coming.” Are you kidding Chris? Even Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming.

Reality show “stars” Michele and Jim Bob Duggars, whose 19th child was born three months premature and almost died, have said they would like a 20th child. “Are you nuts?” commented the Octomom.

(But really, 20? Are they trying to complete a family or win at blackjack?)

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A man has been sentenced to six months in jail for fondling a maternity nurse who was wheeling the man’s pregnant girlfriend to the delivery room. That Levi Johnston sure keeps busy.

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Qantas Airways of Australia posted a 4.3 percent drop (from 117 million down to $AU 112 million), in their annual profit for the year ending in June 2010, Said U.S. airlines… what’s an annual profit?

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