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Two Americas. Or at least two lives.

April 23, 2012

Just how low has John Edwards’ reputation fallen? At this point both Democrats and Republicans expect that if he is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, Edwards will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower.

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Infielder Reggie Williams was released by the Twins this April. He’s since tweeted “Why are there so many gay people these days?” and ranted about seeing “the bold act of gayness in public.” Think it’s a safe bet this is one dude who won’t be offered a contract by the San Francisco Giants.

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Commie-pinko quote of the week: “Here you are during a time of the great crisis for this nation…and you say, this is all this great country can offer up? I think boldness is thrown right out the window. I think courage is not on display. I think most Americans are pretty fed up.” The radical speaker? Jon Huntsman. Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School.

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The John Edwards trial starts tomorrow, focused on campaign money he spent on behalf or and/or to cover his adulterous relationship with Rielle Hunter. Who did Edwards think he was? A potential President or an SEC football coach?

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Truly scary thought, had John Kerry won in 2004, could have been our Vice President. With a leg up on the Presidency. So to speak.

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is talked about as a likely V.P. pick for Mitt Romney, except that some perceive him to have flip-flopped on the abortion issue. Well, actually this should make him a perfect fit for Mitt.

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A California man and his family barely escaped without life-threatening injuries when a propane tank in their pickup truck exploded while they were in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru. So for at least one day the most dangerous thing at McDonald’s wasn’t the food.

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Got to love this ESPN headline: “Metta World Peace ejected for violent hit.”

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And hey, if the expected suspension for that hit happens, yep, we’re all going to have to survive without World Peace.

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Last weekend the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, looking towards the playoffs, said “We don’t want to be at our best right now.” Yesterday Wade dislocated a finger and is out indefinitely. Maybe God is a fan of the NBA regular season.

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Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, ““I don’t have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job…the best job (they) can.” Mitt Romney now “There will be an effort, by the quote, vast left-wing conspiracy, to work together to put out their message and attack me.” Good to know Mitt’s as consistent about the media as he is about most things.

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Semantic Saturday

April 21, 2012

Mass. Senator Scott Brown said he’s given up alcohol until the election, and hasn’t had anything to drink since Jan. 1. But last week he was sampling beer with a reporter at a small brewery. Guess it depends what the definition of drink is.

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One of the Secret Service agents who has resigned in the recent prostitute scandal formerly supervised the agency’s canine training unit near D.C. Well, it takes a dog to know a dog.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun inside the museum today. Was he dreaming of being a New York Jet?

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Sarah Palin is upset because a Secret Service man said he was “checking her out.” Another thing that wouldn’t have happened under Bill Clinton. Then checking out women was the President’s job.

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Well, if nothing else we’ve learned one thing this week – it’s time for the Secret Service to increase their recruitment of women.

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GOP Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels said this week that Mitt Romney’s White House campaign was too negative, saying “You have to campaign to govern, not just to win.” Showing again why Daniels was about as likely as Jon Huntsman to make to through a Republican primary.

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Regarding the mini-controversy about the Secret Secret agent who was “checking out” Sarah Palin – have to think the McCain campaign wishes they had checked her out a little more before putting her on the ticket,

An Oxnard, California teacher who was fired for her work as a porn actress has hired a lawyer to fight her dismissal. Hundreds of fathers rushed to her defense, saying “We need to see more evidence.”

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NCAA president Mark Emmert, finding the positive in the scandals that have resulted in the firing of so many big-time coaches. . “You’re seeing boards of directors, of trustees, presidents and ADs saying ‘You know you’ve done a great job here. We love you. We pay you really well. You get all this adoration. You’ve got to live by the rules.'” Or at least not get caught.

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And really, regarding Bobby Petrino, was he really fired for being a douchebag who cheated on his wife and pulled strings to hire his underqualifed 25 year old mistress? Or was he fired in the end for being a lousy motorcycle rider?

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Parents are apparently suing Apple because kids who have their folks’ passwords are racking up big bills buying game add-ons while playing ostensibly free iPhone games. Uh, wouldn’t it be simpler not to give your child your password in the first place?

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US Airways is moving closer to a merger with American Airlines. In hopes of actually proving that two wrongs can make a right.

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Fenway Park is 100 years old today. Wow. When it opened those “Cubs World Champions” shirts had barely faded at all.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A ten-year old boy at an Indianapolis Olive Garden was accidentally served a fruit daiquiri with rum instead of the smoothie he had ordered. Shocking, there’s an Olive Garden that actually puts rum in their fruit daiquiris?

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Dwight Howard will have season-ending surgery. Which means for the Magic he will now definitely be about as much of a factor as they expected in the playoffs.

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And Howard allegedly said before his injury that he would never play again for coach Van Gundy. Maybe God thought “that can be arranged.”

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Still looking for some top ten “How old is Jamie Moyer” suggestions.

The ageless one is pitching Monday. So technically shouldn’t every time Moyer pitches be “Turn back the Clock” night?

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Red, red, whine…..

April 20, 2012

After an outcry from vegans, Starbucks is changing its Strawberry Soy Frappucino recipe to eliminate a common red dye made from crushed cochineal bugs, in favor of a tomato-based extract. Here’s a radical idea, what about using strawberries?

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Newt Gingrich is apparently still getting Secret Service protection. Although at this point the security detail has been reduced to three people. Curiously, that’s about as many as his remaining supporters.”

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An Alabama football player has been hospitalized following a fight where shots were fired. What’s was the kid doing, trying to get on the draft radar for the Cincinnati Bengals?

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The Colts have apparently told Andrew Luck he’ll be their #1 pick. In related news a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

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Carnival-owned Princess Cruises doing an internal investigation because one of their ships allegedly ignored a small boat in distress and two men died. Will the captain’s defense be that he just thought it was another Costa captain who fell into a lifeboat?

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About 50 students at Berkeley High School in California will be suspended and two or three expelled for a scheme where they got into the school’s computer and were able to change their attendance record for several months. Wonder how many high tech companies have offered the kids who were involved jobs?

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Bud Selig said today that the Oakland A’s need a new stadium to survive, but he has “no timetable” for the resolution of their territorial rights issue with the Giants, an issue Selig formed a “blue ribbon committee” for over 3 years ago. Even Brett Favre is saying “Make up your bleeping minds.”

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Arkansas AD Jeff Long says he has 25 pages of detailed notes from ex-coach Petrino and Jessica Dorrell about their relationship. Now court documents say John Edwards’ trial will include “intimate voice-mail messages” between him and Rielle Hunter. Which of these wins the TMI award?

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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino told his boss that his affair with Jessica Dorrell only began last fall when they were sitting in a car eating lunch and she said “are you going to kiss me?” Where’s the “Just say No” campaign when you need it.

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Petrino said his affair with Jessica Dorrell lasted about 5 months and was over in February. Right. Nothing says a relationship is over like a secret motorcycle ride for two at midnight.

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SMU hired Larry Brown as their head men’s basketball coach. Brown, 71, hasn’t coached since he looked over-the-hill in 2010 and left the Charlotte Bobcats with a 9-19 record. Considering the Bobcats this year are 7-54, Larry now looks like a genius by comparison.

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Obama re-election campaign offering supporters a chance to enter a raffle for dinner with the President and Georgy Clooney. Wonder if Romney campaign will counter with a raffle for Mitt and Ted Nugent?

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A Delta Airlines flight leaving JFK Airport today hit a flock of birds and had to return for an emergency landing. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the birds.

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The way the San Jose Sharks playing Thursday night looks like someone pulled the plug on their power plays.

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The Vatican is blasting the “Leadership Conference of Women Religious”, a U.S. group they say sponsors conferences that feature “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith,” including supporting Obamacare. The members of this “liberal” group? 55,000 American nuns..

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From Marc Ragovin: “As Jamie Moyer labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inining. Literally.”

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And open note to readers. ESPN.com has decided to put their fun weekly Top 10 Readers Lines on a given subject on hiatus at least for a while. So to very partially fill in the hole, I’m going to try a few Top 10’s on this blog. First week – “10 ten signs lines about how old Jamie Moyer is” Reader suggestions encouraged in comments. Aiming for Monday morning post.

(and yes, I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a musket.)

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Not so Secret Service?

April 19, 2012

All these folks accusing the Secret Service of Clinton-like behavior…. Get real, Bill never needed to pay for it.

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Is the Secret Service scandal embarrassing? Heck yes. But as noted on their website “Secret Service special agents spend their first 6 to 8 years on the job assigned to a field office. After their field experience, agents usually are transferred to a protective detail where they will stay for 3 to 5 years.” Means Obama admin. didn’t hire these dudes. It’s not a political issue, it’s a stupidity issue…

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And for those who say, “Who cares what these guys do after hours?” Well, leaving aside blackmail possibilities, remember, or Google, the “Profumo affair.”

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For that rare trivia overlap between baseball and hockey. how about the Senators-Rangers series? Because the 1961 Washington Senators actually are now the Texas Rangers. (You could look it up.)

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Mitt Romney said today he would “strengthen fellow Americans because I believe very fundamentally remaining a shining city on a hill.” So that’s Nixon and Reagan in one sentence, how did he leave out “Thousand points of light” and “Is our children learning?”

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John Edwards, infamous for his $400 haircuts, may not be as wealthy as he used to be. According to the New York Post, Edwards is now going to Supercuts for $12.95 trims. What a shame, said absolutely no one.

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For the 100th anniversary of Fenway Park on Friday the Yankees will wear uniforms modeled after their 1912 uniforms as the New York Highlanders. Curiously enough, 1912 might also have been the last year the Yankees’ payroll was under $100 million.

(t’s a shame that the Red Sox aren’t playing the Rockies. Moyer probably can still fit into his 1912 uniform.)

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Ah, who’s to stay the NCAA doesn’t crack down on the premier programs. They just announced the Toledo men’s basketball team will be banned from next year’s postseason because of past academic problems. The Toledo Rockets were last in the NCAA tournament in 1980.

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Now that Rick Santorum is out of the Presidential race, guess we won’t hear him pronounce that having men in the Secret Service obviously leads to “compromising situations?

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Mitt Romney said he’d “clean house” in the Secret Service and suggested a “lack of leadership” led to the scandal. But Mitt also said he has confidence in Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan. Can’t imagine how Romney gets the reputation for wanting to have it both ways.

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A group is suing ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” saying that in 10 years the programs have never had a person of color as the featured person looking for love on air. Hmm. Discrimination? Or just another example helping to shatter the myth of white intellectual superiority.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An article appeared in Ben Maller’s blog entitled ‘How The One Percent Dines at Sporting Events’. Included–they pool their money for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium”

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Disaster tourism?

April 16, 2012

A $150 million Titanic visitors center opened last month in Belfast. The museum hopes to be the biggest draw for fans of disasters since Wrigley Field.

(Canadian readers may want to substitute Air Canada Center, home of the Toronto Maple Leafs.)

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The Titanic was built in Belfast, hence the museum location. But you have to think that somewhere, other shipyards are saying “Hey, we built boats that DIDN’T sink.”

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Since former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is so expert at texting, wonder if he also has changed his Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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IHOP is advertising their new “Signature Pancakes.” Including “Chocolatey Red Velvet Pancakes Drizzled with Cream Cheese Icing.” Wonder what customers order for dessert?

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Well, it’s early days in the 2012 MLB season, but who’d a thunk that the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff, batting .217, still has more HRs than Albert Pujols?

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Eli Manning will host SNL. Giselle Bunchen said that they would have asked Tom Brady again but the show would have unreasonably expected her husband to do all the comic work.

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Rick Petino’s son Richard Petino is going to become the men’s basketball coach at next season FIU. So how long until the NCAA preemptively starts their investigation?

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People have a right to their opinions. But would like to hear Michelle Bachmann, and some others who are so outraged against Hilary Rosen’s “anti-women” comments, also explain why they voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.

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Seen on the side of a 24 ounce Dr. Pepper bottle: “Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening.” Think there’s a story, and more than a few lawyers, behind that one?

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A Houston restaurant served 12 guests last night a 10 course recreation of the last first class meal on the Titanic, at $12,000 a head. (no typo.) Isn’t it nice to know that 100 years after the disaster, Americans have moved away from such a rigid class system…?

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On their Kuala Lumpur to London route, Malaysia Airlines is starting a family friendly economy class section, along with a “no kids under 12 allowed” section. Prompting this response from most domestic travelers – can they start flying around the U.S.?

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Quote of the day from January 2012, about poor women on welfare. “Even if you have a child 2 years of age, you need to go to work. I’m willing to spend more giving day care to allow those parents to go back to work. It’ll cost more, but I want the individuals to have the dignity of work.'” Another anti-mom liberal? No, Mitt Romney.

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New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie just had his 10th child, by a total of eight women in six states. Although the last two kids were born to his wife, the first eight, 7 years old and under, all have single moms. Hmm, strikes me there are worse things for the fabric of our society than free birth control….

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Kerplunk it sunk, what a lousy piece of junk…

April 13, 2012

(If you’re too young to remember the children’s song reference, you are lucky.)

Wonder if North Korea is claiming their test rocket was testing to see if it was waterproof.

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North Korea claimed their failed rocket would only carry a civilian satellite, and that it was a major technological achievement to mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of Kim Il Sung, on Sunday. Uh, did anyone tell them Sunday is also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

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Burger King apparently is introducing a Bacon Sundae. For all those who thought their menu was a little too health conscious.

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As we head into the mano a mano portion of the Presidential election here’s a (never going to happen) recipe for civility: No matter who pays for the anti-Obama or anti-Romney ads, simply require at the end of any such commercial to have the candidates say “I am Barack Obama/Mitt Romney and I approve this message.”

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WTF? By now anyone reading this has heard the American Idol results show from Thursday. But were the votes counted in Florida?

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Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino sent apologies to AD Jeff Long and a number of other university employees via text messages. Which from the stories about his “inappropriate” relationship, may not have been necessary if he hadn’t been texting in the first place.

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A CNN pundit is facing criticism for saying that Ann Romney shouldn’t be talking about the economy because “she has actually never worked a day in her life.” Ann immediately (and correctly) responded that staying home to raise 5 boys was hard work. Well, and think of all the nannies etc she has hired.

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Democrats including the President immediately condemned Hilary Rosen for her comments about Ann Romney. Almost as fast as the GOP Presidential candidates condemned Rush Limbaugh for his “slut” etc comments. Oh wait, that’s right, they didn’t. Never mind….

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Actually, I absolutely support Ann Romney’s right to stay home and raise kids. But if Ann really cares that much about women and the economy, wonder why she isn’t urging Mitt to push things like education and child care and social programs to aid mothers who aren’t as economically fortunate as she is….

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Meanwhile,CNN’s Hilary Rosen is now saying “I apologize to Ann Romney and anyone else who was offended. Let’s declare peace in this phony war and go back to focus on the substance.” Really? Someone actually thinks this campaign has been focusing on substance?

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Mass. Sen. Scott Brown has a new radio ad talking about his love of Fenway Park. Except that when Brown was a state representative, he was in support of replacing the 100 year old park and moving it to Foxboro. What is it with Massachusetts politicians? Should the state shoe be the flip flop?

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Quote of the day: “We are more likely to get neutral coverage out of CNN than we are of Fox, and we’re more likely to get distortion out of Fox. That’s just a fact.” From that noted liberal Newt Gingrich.

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Jamie Moyer, 49. 5 2/3 innings, 2 earned runs. No W. As a Giants fan will be glad for the win but a shame Moyer couldn’t have pitched yesterday. The ageless wonder better deserved a win than the stream of Rockies pitchers who took advantage of 18 runs of support.

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That JetBlue pilot who went crazy a couple weeks ago has been indicted on charges of interfering with a flight crew. The response from most major airlines – a new “Pilot mental health surcharge.”

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The times they are a changin’

April 10, 2012

Great final round at Augusta yesterday. A complete reversal from 1997, when a black man won the Masters, and Bubba was in the White House.

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Got to hand it to Ozzie Guillen. The guy reigns amongst sports figures for getting into the most trouble while still both avoiding arrest and keeping his pants on.

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Just added to the Miami Marlins ballpark giveaways in 2012? A commemorative Ozzie Guillen mouth gag.

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Two New Jersey men have filed a petition challenging President Obama’s place on the Democratic primary ballot because they claim he is not a natural-born citizen. And Snooki and the Situation responded “Wait a minute, and we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”

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Marlins pitcher Mark Buerhrle apparently sliced the thumb on his pitching hand while opening a jar of mayonnaise. “I came in to make a sandwich and they said ‘You know we have people who can make sandwiches for you,’’’ Buehrle said. “(I said) ‘I’m a grown man, I can make my own sandwich.” Well, apparently not.

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Four-hit shutout for the SF Giants’ Barry Zito against the Colorado Rockies. WTF? Next thing someone will be trying to tell me the Mets are 4-0.

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Are New Yorkers going from Lin-sanity to DeMEnTSia?

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How improbable was Barry Zito’s shutout. In his post-game interview you almost expected to hear him thank “My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

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Actually, maybe God was behind Zito’s gem today. I mean, who else in the San Francisco area has done a better job of getting people on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ.”

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Even Jamie Moyer was thinking that it was time for Barry Zito to hang it up.

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Some wonder if Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino can survive the scandal resulting from his motorcycle crash involving his 25 year old assistant and the “inappropriate relationship.” Survive as football coach anyway. Petrino is now pretty well set up for running for Governor of Arkansas.

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Rick Santorum’s daughter is in the hospital, and Mitt Romney’s campaign is pulling its negative ads in Pennsylvania. Saying “We have done this out of deference to Sen. Santorum’s decision to suspend his campaign for personal family reasons,” (That and, “we think we’re winning anyway and this is a good way to save money.”)

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From Marc Ragovin: “So Mike Wallace has died. His funeral will take place immediately after the conclusion of the Raiders/Chiefs game, except on the west coast, where it will be held at its regular time.”

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Opening weak.

April 7, 2012

Okay, right this minute in the AL East, the Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays are all tied for first place, while the Red Sox and Yankees are tied for last. 161 games to go, but figured a lot of folks would enjoy seeing this.

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Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura apparently chatted Friday for the 1st time since Ventura charged the mound after Ryan hit him with a pitch 19 years ago. Wonder if instead of a handshake Nolan gave Robin “noogies” for old times’ sake.

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are now an item. And some say that homosexual relationships are offensive

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Isiah Thomas, who went 26-65 in three seasons as a coach at FIU, was fired today by the school. He told ESPN that “this is the most surprising thing that has happened to me in basketball.” Sounds like Isiah is still as self-aware as he was with the Knicks.

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Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light,” and the self described “Most Collected Living Artist” died today at the age of 54. Condolences to his family, but change that second trademark.

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Mario Rubio said this week “I’m not going to be the vice president,” Is that a comment on running with Mitt Romney, or the likely outcome of the election?

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An anti-abortion bill in Arizona would declare that pregnancy starts on the date of a women’s last menstrual period. Heck, what’s next, claiming pregnancy may start as soon as that second margarita?

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Christopher Hooker, 41, that Modesto teacher who left his family to move in Jordan Powers, 18, his ex-student, said their love was for real and would last. Now it turns out Hooker’s been arrested for having a relationship in 1998 with another girl student, who was 17. Guess he didn’t specify how long it would last.

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All these predictions for who will win in MLB this season, here’s a different prediction game. Which teams have a chance to lose 100 games? No prizes, just the chance to declare yourself a true “connoisseur of crap.”

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Reaction around the NFL to the Saints locker room audio: One – “That’s despicable.” Two – “Quick, burn OUR tapes.”

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Augusta, GA, police today were called to a Waffle House for a dispute involving two groups of women. (Apparently over a Facebook post about a relationship.) One woman was arrested after she allegedly fired shots into the air from a handgun. So who says all the action at Augusta is at the Masters?

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Syracuse’s Fab Melo, ruled ineligible twice last season due to academic issues, announced he will enter the NBA draft. So sounds like next year Melo will be going to class about as much as he did this year.

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When will they ever learn? Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, has now been put on leave by the University after it turns out that he had a 25 year old female passenger with him when he had his late-night motorcycle crash. The woman, Jessica Dorrell, was hired last month to work under Petrino. So to speak.

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Opening WTF?

April 5, 2012

Two A’s-Mariners games last week, Marlins-Cardinals tonight, the rest of MLB starts Thursday or Friday. Sorry Bud Selig, less is more; “Opening Day” is awesome. “Opening Week” s*cks.

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But really, we won’t know it’s really opening day until Cubs fans break out their new “Wait until next year” shirts.

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The Masters starts Thursday morning, from Augusta National Golf Club. One of the few places on Earth where Mitt Romney is referred to as “a regular guy.”

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Bond fans screaming “Say it ain’t so?!” Due to a Heineken contract, James Bond will be drinking beer instead of a martini in his next movie. What’s next, 007 telling women he wants to wait for physical intimacy until they are in a committed relationship?

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According to the autopsy report, “white powdery substances and a spoon with white residue” were found in the hotel room where Whitney Houston died. Sad, but “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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Ryan Gosling apparently saved a British journalist named Laurie Penny from being hit by a car this week in New York. Earning him respect and admiration from his fellow actors, once they found out she didn’t work for “News of the World.”

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Macy’s flagship store in New York had to evacuate due to a small basement fire today. You know what that means. Stay tuned for Macy’s new “Two Day Fire Sale with One Day Special Preview.”

(or as my friend Rich suggests “Black Flower Days.”)

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John McCain urged Mitt Romney “not to rush to judgment” when picking his running mate. Gosh, wonder why he would say that?

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Kentucky coach John Calipari said he’s not planning to coach the New York Knicks or any other NBA team – “Kentucky is the best job in basketball coaching, why would I leave?” At least not until the next NCAA investigation.

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Sarah Palin’s appearance on the “Today” show apparently didn’t turn out to be the ratings boost NBC had hoped for. Does this mean “Palin-sanity” is over?

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Levi Johnston, 21, has announced that his latest girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, is pregnant. Levi told TMZ.com the pregnancy was an unexpected surprise: “Things happen and we are both happy with what came of it.” Yeah, looks like Bristol Palin’s abstinence campaign is really working.

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Ryan Seacrest will be taking part in NBC’s Olympic coverage. Wonderful. Stand by for “Who’ll win the Gold? We’ll find out, after the break….”

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Rick Santorum went bowling with some friends and staffers today, and ended up with three strikes and two spares while scoring 145. So at least when faced with a bowling lane, Rick proved it was possible for him to go towards the center.

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Mega Million Scraps of Paper…

March 31, 2012

Wonder how much money you would get for recycling all the non-winning lottery tickets from Friday….

For all those disappointed folks who spent money on Mega Millions and still haven’t given up on chasing the impossible dream, the Cubs are considering taking nonrefundable deposits on World Series tickets.

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For the sake of the U.S. unemployment rate let’s hope that millions of Americans did not tell their bosses off on Friday in anticipation of being lottery millionaires on Monday.

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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $640 million. And President Obama may be thinking “Forget this mandate thing, we’ll come up with a system where if people buy health insurance we’ll give them a free monthly lottery ticket.”

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$540 mega-million lottery Friday. Newt Gingrich wonders if winnings are community property, Rick Santorum is thinking God will decide the lucky numbers. And Mitt Romney will say that the winner needs a tax cut.

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The SF Giants have a partnership with Virgin America, including a team plane, which has the Giants logo and a beard. Wonder if the New York Mets will partner with JetBlue. Both have a little trouble getting off the ground, and when they do, things can get a little crazy.

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A 26 year old Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader was indicted Thursday for allegedly having sex with a student when she was a teacher a local high school. She could face up to five years in jail. The boy’s friends may face hearing him brag about it for a lifetime.

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With all the “one and dones” at the top schools, shouldn’t we refer to this weekend’s Men’s NCAA Final Four as the “Championship for the NBA’s REAL D. League?”

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NY GOP Congressional candidate Matt Doheny, with a fiancee back home, was allegedly seen kissing a campaign consultant in Washington, D.C. On a brighter note for his campaign, at least the consultant was female.

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Aging legend Jerry Lee Lewis has married for the 7th time. Judith Brown, his new bride said “Everything just felt right. Neither of us feels like we’ve been married before.” Of course, in Lewis’s case, he now may not REMEMBER being married before.

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A misdemeanor domestic battery charge against Manny Ramirez has been dropped in Florida. Apparently because his wife refuses to cooperate with the investigation. That and the fact that few believe Manny can hit anyone anymore.

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Kate Winslet says hearing Celine Dion’s “My heart will go on,” makes her want to throw up. Well, that makes about 20 million and one of us.

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Congrats to Jamie Moyer,49, who made the Colorado Rockies, and will now be the oldest pitcher ever on a MLB Opening Day roster. Moyer’s next challenge, to become the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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From T.C. Chong. “Jeremy Lin had lunch with fired reporter Anthony Federico today. Anthony apologized profusely for writing the now famous ESPN.com headline. Half an hour later, they ordered another lunch and the writer apologized again.”

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“I’ll be here all week, try the truffle and caviar topped veal…”

March 29, 2012

Yep, he’s a laugh a minute. Mitt Romney has moved on to Wisconsin, where he told anecdotes to a crowd, saying “One of the most humorous I think relates to my father….” The story was about his dad closing a factory….

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Arlen Specter said today “Bill [Maher] had it exactly right; he said that Mitt Romney has changed positions more often than a pornographic movie queen.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology – from porn movie queens.

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Matt Kemp, on the sale of his team to a group led by Magic Johnson – “This is a pretty good day for the Dodgers.” True enough, but isn’t any day that gets Frank McCourt out of the owner’s box a “pretty good day for the Dodgers?”

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Unreal, Frank McCourt almost destroys a once-proud Dodgers franchise, and walks away with several hundred million dollars. What’s next? Someone will hire him to run an airline?

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Dwayne Wade is apparently writing a book on fatherhood, and said “For me, it was therapeutic to do this.” Impressive in this “one and done” age for NBA players. Not only that Wade can write a book, but that he knows the word “therapeutic.”

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In case you missed opening night (late night), by the time you read this, you’ve probably already also missed the 2nd game of the 2012 MLB Baseball season was televised live March 29 on MLB Network and MLB.TV with no blackout restrictions. At 2:00am Pacific Time. Thank you Bud Selig.

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Justice Scalia to Paul Clement, the lawyer arguing against “Obamacare” – “Is there any chance at all that 26 States opposing it have Republican governors and all of the states supporting it have Democratic governors? Is that possible?” Wonder if Scalia next asked if there was gambling in Casablanca?
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Bill Parcells, on the possible interim Saints coaching job: “Sean’s become a dear, dear friend. I’m trying to be a friend. If he needs me and the owner and GM feel the same way, then I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t consider it.” That and the Saints may be able to give him several million more reasons.

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One question after Romney’s latest “did he say that?” moment, i.e. telling a “humorous story” about his father closing a factory. So where does Mitt find his speechwriters?

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Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated has made his predictions for the 2012 MLB season and he has the New York Mets in last place in the NL East with a 75-87 record. Longtime New York fans are shocked – Verducci actually thinks the Mets will win 75 games?

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It’s official, there will be an “Anchorman 2” starring Will Ferrell. I don’t know how to put this but I guess that’s kind of a big deal.

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From Marc Ragovin: New Jet Blue Slogan. “We’re Crazy About Flying.”

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A New York state of mind.

March 27, 2012

With the ebb and flow of Lin-sanity and now the Tebow-Sanchez potential made-for-TV drama, there’s good news for some New York fans. For at least some of this spring, the biggest circus in New York may not involve the Mets.

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After watching the Tim Tebow press conference: Have to wonder – the over-under on how many bad Mark Sanchez quarters/games it will take to have fans start screaming “Tebow, Tebow?”

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The U.S. men’s soccer U-23 team officially failed to qualify for the Olympics tonight. Thereby depriving Americans of a chance to scream “USA! USA” again this summer for a sport most otherwise don’t care about.

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Dominque Strauss-Kahn has been charged with involvement in a French prostitution ring. His lawyer denies wrongdoing and added that it is wrong to prosecute Strauss-Kahn for “simple libertine activity.” Responded Bill Clinton “Yeah, what he said.”

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Actual fight at end of Baylor-Tennessee women’s basketball game. Wow, if this sort of thing keeps up ratings may skyrocket.

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Bus to hell time. Bobby Brown has been arrested again, this time for alleged DUI’s. Many of Whitney Houston’s friends and relatives are just telling him it’s time to relax with a nice long bath.

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Some are now circulating a story that Trayvon Martin was the one who first attacked George Zimmerman. Not sure we will ever know exactly what transpired between the two of them, but one thing is certain – had Zimmerman just listened to the police dispatcher who told him not to follow Martin, none of this would have happened.

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Since it’s been three plus weeks since they merged with Continental, United Airlines has given up on saying “we’ve been experiencing high call volumes for several days.” Now their message to VIP flyers just says “We’re still experiencing high call volumes. If your call can wait please try back later.” Presumably like in 2013?

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Rick Santorum told a reporter yesterday ““Quit distorting my words It’s bullsh*t.” Now really, is that appropriate language for a potential president? Maybe Santorum really is running for V.P.?

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Jamie Moyer, 49, pitched four perfect innings against the San Francisco Giants in a spring training game this weekend. Which probably means either that Moyer is still a big league pitcher, that the Giants are still not big league hitters.

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Great line from Jim Caple at ESPN.com about Jamie Moyer trying to pitch this year in the big leagues at 49. “The scouts no longer point the radar gun at you, they just count “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi.”
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Rick Santorum – “If you haven’t cursed out a NY Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you’re not really a real Republican.” Does that mean President Obama’s not a real Democrat because he hasn’t sworn at someone from Fox News?

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Ah politics… So when Obamacare was introduced, Republicans said it was a tax, Democrats said it wasn’t. Now, the govt says the mandate is at least allowable under Congress’ power to tax. And the GOP says it is not a tax…

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell believes that the New Orleans Saints were the only team with a bounty program. Makes sense, just like Bud Selig acted like Barry Bonds was the only star steroid user in baseball.
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The Colts, still apparently undecided about their #1 pick, will fly Andrew Luck to Indianapolis for a private workout. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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Jimmy Carter has finally left the Southern Baptist Church, saying “The truth is that male religious leaders had – & still have — an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of womenthroughout the world.” You go, guy!

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Tebow or not Tebow. That is the question.

March 24, 2012

Mitt Romney’s definitely done some job creation this week. At Ohio Art. They make Etch A Sketch.

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Drew Stanton, the New York Jets previously expected backup QB, has apparently asked to be traded or released. I think that has been arranged.

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I can see it now when Tebow arrives in the Jets locker room. Rex Ryan “So Tim, tell me again about Jesus and that foot washing stuff.”

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from Bill Littlejohn: “It was strange to see John Elway standing next to his QB and not having to smile through clenched teeth.”

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The most disappointed fans with Bountygate have to be in Washington. Had it only been the Redskins found guilty instead of the Saints, maybe Goodell would have suspended Dan Snyder.

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Today’s example of how if aliens land they will conclude there is no intelligent life on this planet: http://now.msn.com/now/0322-romney-vs-birthers.aspx

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Rick Santorum, talking about his opposition: “If they’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk of what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate for the future.” When this campaign is over, Santorum may have a job waiting for him – on the Committee to Re-Elect the President.

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Newt Gingrich, on why he is still running -“”I’m staying in the race because I believe we ought to have a conservative who’s serious, who’s had national achievements and who doesn’t write his policy on an Etch A Sketch and zig-zag back and forth wildly.” Maybe so, but the GOP is still looking for that candidate.

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Pat Robertson on football:”Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP QB, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.” “From your lips to God’s ear” responded other AFC West fans.

(Have to wonder why Robertson is so upset about the trade. Is he a Broncos fan or a Jets fan?)

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The Milwaukee Brewers have announced they will dedicate a statue of Bob Uecker on August 31. The statue will presumably be placed “just a bit outside” Miller Park.

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Between brackets.

March 21, 2012

No NCAA men’s basketball tournament games until Thursday. Oh the horror. Millions of Americans wlll have to go into the office and actually work.

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Peyton Manning has signed with the Denver Broncos. And Alex Smith has apparently re-signed with the San Francisco 49ers.Coach Jim Harbaugh says their relationship is “strong.” Got to love it – “Yeah, that really hot babe turned me down, but of course I love my wife.”

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Consumer Reports says that the new Apple iPad temperature can hit 116 degrees. So if you can’t find your iPad, look under the cat.

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The Situation from Jersey Shore has checked into rehab. Wow. Add that to Snooki being pregnant, and liquor stores in New Jersey may be forced to declare a state of emergency.

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The Memphis Grizzlies signed Gilbert Arenas. Guess they figured despite his past issues it was worth taking a shot?

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Santorum wonders why he lost Illinois. Uh, Monday’s statement: “I don’t care what the unemployment rate is going to be. It doesn’t matter to me.” Makes “I don’t care about poor people” sound almost statesmanlike.

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Romney wins Illinois. Maybe those in the “Land of Lincoln” just figured “Honest Abe” would haunt them forever if they actually voted for Santorum or Gingrich.

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Apparently the premier of DWTS had the worst ratings ever. Not enough controversy…. Say, where’s Donald Trump when you need him? Or for that matter, maybe the producers should ask Callista Gingrich….she’s not doing much that’s useful these days.

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At an Obama fundraiser, Robert De Niro (who is married to a black woman), told an inappropriate joke about America not being ready “for a white first lady.” Newt Gingrich has demanded he apologize. So maybe De Niro should have said “America’s not ready for a first lady who’s a third wife?

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Anyone else notice that this election season seems to be bringing out more loonies than normal? Well, Hillary Clinton may have put cracks in the glass ceiling but Rick Santorum and others have shattered the glass straitjacket.

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According to ESPN, the University of Southern Mississippi has revoked scholarships for (and removed from their band), 5 students who heckled a Puerto Rican Kansas State player during a NCAA basketball tournament game last week. Strong message. Now if schools would only discipline athletes that way.
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The Stanford men’s basketball team came from 11 points down with 9 minutes to play to beat Illinois State and advance to the Not-Quite-Elite Eight of the NIT. So friends, the wall is open. What does one do with a potential NIT banner?

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Another thought on that proposed Tennessee law that would publicize the names of abortion doctors and detailed personal information on the women having the procedures. Where’s the rider also to include potentially identifying details on the men who got those women pregnant?

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Day of the Dead.

March 18, 2012

Day of the Dead is traditionally celebrated November 1, the day after Halloween, in Mexico. Wonder how often it also described the morning after St. Patrick’s Day.

Or this year, folks who had Duke, Missouri and Michigan in their Elite Eight.

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Quote of the NCAA men’s tournament so far from Norfolk State’s Kyle O’Quinn, after their upset of Missouri: “We messed up some brackets. We even messed up my bracket.”

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So we’re not even through opening weekend of the men’s NCAA basketball tournament, and already there are ZERO teams left in either the Pacific or the Mountain time zones. So for regular sports fans, it’s just like ESPN’s Baseball game of the week.

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Chaleo Yoovidhya, who created Red Bull, has died at the age of 89. Actually, the coroner says Chaleo died over a week ago, but his body just stopped moving.

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M Go Blue. San Francisco 49ers just signed former Michigan (and NY Giants) WR Mario Manningham. Gosh, why would they think they might have any use for such a star receiver?

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“I find it ironic that Republicans (like Santorum) are out there wanting less govt. and govt. intruding into our lives, but when it comes to moral issues they want govt. to legislate morality” Steven Hirsch, founder of adult entertainment company “Vivid Entertainment.” Nice work by Santorum to give a porn movie producer the moral high road.

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Rosie O’Donnell’s daily talk show has been cancelled. The response from most Americans – Rosie O’Donnell had a talk show?

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The NY Post reports that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries each would like an annulment instead of a divorce, the holdup being that each wants the other to admit to fraud. Uh, can we find them both guilty of fraud and make them go away?

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In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Burger King is offering all customers on March 17 and 18 a free order of french-fries, complete with green Heinz ketchup. Let’s hope that last is just not five year old red Heinz ketchup.

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A story from an unnamed source says now that Romney was on McCain’s short list in 2008 for V.P., but after John famously forget how many houses he had (eight), a staffer “pointed out that we couldn’t go to the country with a Republican ticket that owned 14 houses between the two of them.” Well, in Mitt’s favor, he can count his homes. (Six.)

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Bad seeds?

March 17, 2012

For the first time in NCAA history, three teams with seed numbers 13 or higher won their first round games. Does this mean that weaker teams are getting better? Or that the seeding committee is getting worse?

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Although before experts from other fields, like politics, start really criticizing sports experts -how many political pundits had Rick Santorum in the GOP Final Four?

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Thieves apparently stole a 500-lb beehive from a Houston restaurant. The owner said it contained as many as 5,000 bees he was raising for their honey. Wonder if police will go after the crooks with a sting operation?

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So do those who had Missouri and Duke into the Final Four become honorary Irishmen for drinking on St. Patricks’ Day?
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The Cincinnati Bearcats blew all of a 19 point lead against Texas, but came back to win their first round game and are still alive. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.

(added Alex Schubert, “At the beginning, Texas took more bad shots than Dick Cheney.”)

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A reporter asked Sarah Palin if she saw the Norfolk State game. Her response, “Don’t try to fool me, I KNOW Norfolk is not a state.

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Peyton Manning had said he hoped to make a decision by this Tuesday. It’s Friday…. “Atta boy.” said Brett Favre.

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ESPN is reporting that Peyton Manning also worked out for San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh and took a physical for the team this week. Looks like Harbaugh is 1000 % behind Alex Smith.

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Rick Santorum is really getting aggressive in his campaign. When he saw an ad for the hit show “The Book of Mormon” his alleged response was “See, another example of intellectual elitism, Mormons read books.”

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300 people waited overnight in the rain in San Francisco for the newest iPad. And guess what gals, these guys are single.

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Kansas State guard Angel Rodriguez, who is Puerto Rican, says he has accepted Southern Mississippi’s apology and moved on. (Some students chanted “get a green card” at him during the game.) Wonder how many other Southerners heard the remarks and said “Makes sense, those foreigners are at least polite.”

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Dwight Howard, who made headlines earlier this year by asking for a trade, now says he also wants to stay next year with Orlando – ““I’m very loyal and I’ve always put loyalty above anything.” If this basketball stuff doesn’t work out Howard has a great future in politics.

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There’s a report that Rush Limbaugh actually has a new sponsor interested in his show – the Westboro Baptist Church. Well, birdbrains of a feather…. (Actually, I shouldn’t make that joke, it’s insulting to birds.)

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Mitt Romney says Rick Santorum’s plan is economic illiteracy. And Santorum responds “There you go promoting elite stuff like literacy again.”

Meghan McCain posed (with clothes on) and was interviewed for the April issue of Playboy. She calls herself “strictly ‘dickly'” and says, “I love sex.” Anyone else secretly hoping she connects with and starts influencing the Romney and/or Santorum kids?

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Rammed?

March 16, 2012

Open note to NCAA selection committee: Maybe you shouldn’t give VCU any more double digit seeds.

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For all starting early for Saturday, here’s a suggested St. Patrick’s Day toast – May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets!

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During their NCAA game Thursday, Southern Miss. band members taunted Kansas State player Angel Rodriguez by chanting “Where’s your green card?” Racist and stupid yes. But what elevates this to a higher level of ignorance – apparently the students went after Rodriguez because they found he was from Puerto Rico.

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Not sure about this anti-education attitude of Rick Santorum. Someone asked one of his supporters what he thought of Murray State today, and the guy replied “Not sure when their primary is, but I’m sure the voters of Murray will support Santorum’s true conservative message.”

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The Portland Trail Blazers have waived Greg Oden — the #1 overall pick in the 2007 draft. On the bright side for Oden, he should be eligible for Medicare.

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Peyton Manning and the Titans met for over eight hours last night. Eight hours!? That’s longer than at least one of Brett Favre’s retirements.

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ESPN’s top 10 reason’s your team won’t land Tim Tebow: (My son Carey and I both have one), http://espn.go.com/espn/page2/story/_/id/7688839/readers-provide-top-10-reasons-their-team-land-peyton-manning

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Joe Nelson, a former Goldman Sachs employee from London (not the one who wrote the NY Times op-ed), has started a company making custom-fit condoms. Insert “covering a bunch of p***ks joke” here:

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In Lafayette, CO, near Boulder, police ticketed a man who is accused of tying his cat’s leash to a rock after the pet refused to go jogging. Wonder if they had to bring the ticket to the hospital while the guy was getting stitches?

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Rick Santorum says on his website now that a “wealth of research” now shows that pornography causes “profound brain changes, with widespread negative consequences.” If true this also shows strong cause why men should be banned from both Congress and the military.

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Santorum’s campaign is the latest to bring up the Romney vacation story. As his senior staffer John Brabender said ‘What the heck was he thinking, putting the dog on the top of the roof?’ Santorum, of course, would never make a dog ride on his car roof… a gay person or a single woman asking for birth control maybe.

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Rick Santorum, who was quoted saying English as the “main language” in Puerto Rico had to be a requirement for achieving statehood, now is backtracking from that statement and saying he was misquoted”

Santorum’s not trying to catch Mitt Romney, he’s trying to BE Mitt Romney.

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The Blunt-Rubio amendment says that if an employer or insurance plan has any “religious or moral objection,” then a health care service can be excluded from coverage. Okay, let’s leave sex out of this, does that mean if an employer has moral objections to drinking and/or smoking, can they can refuse to cover anyone’s resulting liver or lung cancer?

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From Marc Ragovin: Despite a string of losses in the primaries and trailing badly in the delegate count, Newt Gingrich has vowed to carry on to Tampa, and guarantees that he will be the eventual GOP nominee. Ya know, I swear that every time Newt speaks Callista’s nose gets a little longer.

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When I’m 64….

March 15, 2012

The “play-ins” are done. Am I the only person who wonders, with 64 teams and at least 30-35 games before tournaments, haven’t teams had a chance to “play-in” already?

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Well, we know why Rick Santorum hasn’t filled out March Madness brackets: He thinks being able to count to 64 is elitist.

(as my friend Rich points out, to say nothing of 68.)

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Mitt Romney told reporters he’s not “plugged in” enough to fill out a 2012 NCAA tournament bracket. Talk about out of touch, poor Mitt doesn’t realize the great American office tradition of March Madness decision making, “Eenie, meenie, minie, moe…, my best friend went there…. and hey, what a cute mascot….”

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At the half of their play-in game, it was USF 36, Cal 13. Did someone forget it was March and schedule a football game.

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Congrats to the Vermont Catamounts for winning their play-in game. The question for the night, without using Google, what is a “catamount.” And for you cat-haters out there, no it does not involve nailing pets to the wall.

(and no, for Romney fans it’s not like “dogamount,” – mounting your dog to the car roof.

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Despite what is clearly a bad situation, Newt Gingrich says he is staying in the GOP race. Newt might be doing better had he shown that kind of tenacity in sticking with his marriages.

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Open note to anyone watching USF dismantle Cal during the play-in game: The University of South Florida is in Tampa. (West of Orlando and about 200 miles north of Miami.). Floridians are better at sports than they are at geography.

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Courtney Robertson, who got at least temporarily engaged to Ben Flajnik on “The Bachelor” may apparently be joining “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, that ought to address all those rumors she was just in it for the publicity.

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A test program by TSA will allow the elderly to keep their shoes on at certain airport checkpoints, including O’Hare, Orlando and Portland, OR. Well, if he ever gets healthy that will make life easier for Greg Oden.

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American Idol contestant Jermaine Jones has been booted from the show for (relatively recent) past undisclosed arrests. When will these kids learn the basic rule – become a star first, and THEN you can get arrested.

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Rick Santorum told Puerto Ricans if they wanted statehood then they must make English their primary language. – “Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law.” I think I’m getting this, Santorum is for states rights as long as states do what he thinks is right.

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A new study says that men who eat a high fat diet may experience more than a 40% drop in sperm count. Yikes, does that mean Rick Santorum may want to outlaw KFC as birth control?

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So much for “play ball.” Parents of that Lennox (CA) Little League team that was saved by a $1200 from a local strip club have voted to refuse the money. (Idiots, IMHO.) Wonder how many fathers offered to return the donation, one dollar at a time.

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Mike D’Antoni resigned as coach of the New York Knicks. Clearly he could handle Linsanity better than Melo-ness.

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Rick Santorum on Mitt Romney: “It’s pretty sad when all you have is to do math instead of trying to go out there and win it.” Uh, has no one told Santorum that math will figure pretty heavily into the results this November?

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Dropping the balls

March 14, 2012

Syracuse star freshman Fab Melo has been ruled ineligible for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Gentlemen, start erasing your brackets.

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Iona blew a 25 point lead tonight in losing to BYU. Did they get their playbook from Mitt Romney?

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Barack Obama took U.K. Prime Minister to a play-in NCAA men’s basketball game tonight. Which Cameron said he enjoyed, although he originally thought “March Madness” referred to the Republican primaries.

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The Pac 12 has announced their next three conference tournaments will be in Las Vegas. Perfect. This way all those who bet on the NIT will have a chance to see their potential favorites up close and personal.

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Mitt Romney, in Southerner mode, talked about “Davy Crockett, who killed himself a bear, when he was only three.” Uh, Mitt, if you’re going to quote the song in the South it’s “kilt him a bar, when he was only three.”

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UCLA announced Tuesday that Ben Howland will remain on the job as men’s basketball coach. Translation, we’re already on the hook for paying him and who else would take over this mess?

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Anyone else think that “the Bachelor” Ben’s proposal to Courtney will turn out to be as lasting relevant long term as a vote for Rick Perry in the GOP primaries?

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A Delta jet was undergoing maintenance tests in Atlanta today when it rolled off a runway and down an embankment. Sounds like the tests went about as well as SATs go for SEC football players.

(actually the interesting question, apparently it was brake failure – but did the brakes fail, or did they fail to set the brakes.)

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Hyatt Hotels says that they will start installing new TV’s with internet capability in guest rooms, so guests can log into Facebook or email, or stream Netflix movies on their in-room screens. Great, this will mean one more thing in a hotel room besides the alarm clock I can’t figure out.

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A new bill in the California State Assembly proposes to ban violent fans from professional sporting events, although not from college and minor league games. Leaving aside the “how do they enforce it? question, have to wonder, why leave out a really scary group – some parents of Little Leaguers.

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Something airline passengers may not have heard before, the pilot asking “Is anyone allergic to penguins?” Two penguins flew on Delta today, in first class, from Atlanta to New York to attend the premiere of Discovery Channel’s “Frozen Planet.” No doubt they were better behaved than many children, and some adults.

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Rick Santorum is now accusing Fox News of “shilling” for Mitt Romney, and saying they don’t want him on their shows. Well, let’s see, MSNBC probably isn’t an option…but Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would love to have him.

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President Obama’s women’s bracket has Baylor, St. John’s, Connecticut and Notre Dame in the Final Four. He must not be fundraising anytime soon in Northern California.

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The Dow closed up over 200 points, to 13,177.68 today. This is bad continued unemployment news – for Mitt Romney.

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From T.C. Paraphrasing Canadian Golfer Dan Halldorson about the NIT Tournament. Winning this would be similar to getting a trophy for “Tallest Midget”.

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Gentleman and ladies, start your brackets.

March 13, 2012

If you’re looking for someone’s predictions to copy for March Madness, may I suggest anyone but Harold Camping.

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President Obama said he is working on his men’s and women’s brackets. And Mitt Romney immediately condemned him by saying tax brackets for both are high enough already.

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So now that Linsanity isn’t helping anymore for the Knicks, what’s plan B? Is Bill Bradley available?

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Lennox Little League, in Los Angeles County, didn’t have enough money for this year until local businesses stepped in. Including a $1200 donation from the Jet Strip “gentlemen’s club” (aka a strip club.) So guess this means it will be “batter up,” after getting many fathers up.

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Mitt Romney, on the horrific shooting of Afghan citizens by a U.S. soldier, and what America should do now, said that he “wouldn’t jump to a new policy” because of a “deranged, crazy person.” Uh, some would say that in aping Santorum and Gingrich, that Mitt already has done that repeatedly.

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The success of the 49ers and Alex Smith last year was a joy for fans, but tough for local comedy writers. God taketh away and God giveth – Here comes Randy Moss.

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Stanford women’s basketball team is #1 seed in the NCAA tournament and heading for Norfolk. For those who don’t know how to pronounce the Virginia city, here’s the simple cheer they use in the South. (I used to live in Florida). “We don’t drink, we don’t smoke, Norfolk! Norfolk.”

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The owner of the Pittsburgh Power, an Arena Football League team, fired all 24 players during a pregame meal at an Orlando-area Olive Garden. For the men involved, it was the worst thing to happen to them at an Olive Garden, well, that didn’t involve actually eating the food.

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Former V.P. Dick Cheney cancelled a April speaking engagement in Toronto, because based on demonstrations during his Vancouver visit last fall he and his daughter decided “it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” Well, guess that means we won’t see Cheney in San Francisco any time either.

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A TCU football player charged with selling marijuana allegedly told a police officer that 82 people failed a team wide drug test in early February. Wow. Looks like the Horned Frog football program may really have hit the big time.

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The NCAA banned North Carolina football from the 2012 post-season, saying “This case should serve as a cautionary tale to all institutions to vigilantly monitor the activities of those student-athletes who possess the potential to be top professional prospects.” Well, all institutions who aren’t part of the SEC anyway.

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So when Peyton Manning makes his decision will ESPN air an “After the Final Rose” show?

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Surveys of likely GOP voters in Alabama and Mississippi found that only 12-14% believe President Obama is a Christian. Well, I suppose this does bolster Rick Santorum with his disbelief in the idea of evolution.

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Got to love this. United Airlines has had a special phone number for their most elite fliers when they are having problems with the United.com website. If you have post-merger problems and call it now, the message says “We are experiencing extended hold times, we suggest you use our website.”

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Rep. Cliff Stearns of Florida responded to a question from an elderly consitutent about Obama’s birth certificate by saying “The question is, is it legitimate? I think what Obama’s showing is a facsimile, but I think that debate probably is not enough just to impeach him.” Guess with the other Southern primaries this week Florida couldn’t let the loonie spotlight get away.

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Glee” star Heather Morris is the latest celebrity to have alleged naked pictures (allegedly from her phone) “stolen” and posted online. When will people learn, if you take your clothes off turn your phone off….

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Men can ignore these last comments: Ben to Courtney on the Bachelor, “you are my forever.” Or at least my for “until I see the videos of the show in March.”

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Watching Courtney on the Bachelor makes me realize that if this thing doesn’t work out with Rielle, John Edwards might have found his trophy wife soulmate.

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Anyone else think Ben’s proposal might have as much lasting relevance as a vote for Rick Perry in the 2012 GOP Primary?

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