Posted tagged ‘ESPN jokes’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
Newer Entries »

Just getting started?

April 18, 2014

The NBA playoffs start today. Which means there’s only about three more months left in the season.

 

The rest of Miley Cyrus’ U.S. tour has postponed due to illness. And parents across the country are thinking “Our long national nightmare is over.”

–

Chelsea Clinton has announced she is expecting. Which was the first time in decades that Bill was actually happy to hear “the pregnancy test was positive.”

–

An arrest warrant has been issued for that South Korean ferry captain. Can’t they just put him back in a boat, and send him on a one-way trip to North Korea?

–

NCAA president Mark Emmert on ESPN radio, talking about eliminating restrictions on meals for athletes: “The biggest problem was, the NCAA has historically had all kinds of…dumb rules about food.” “About FOOD?”

–

An Ohio teacher, previously warned after he called a student “stupid” and another “gay”, was fired after he told an African-American student that the country didn’t need another black president.. Wonder if he’s already got job offers in Florida?

–

In the finale of her “Lindsay” reality show, which will not be renewed, Lindsay Lohan now says that long list of sex partners was real, that she’s “humiliated” now by it, but says she had good reason for making it. “Rea$on” as in Rating$?

–

The #Cubs lost on #GoodFriday. Alas, for their fans, they’re not likely to come back from the dead on Sunday. #Easter #Bustohell

 

The White House has declined to comment on a “Deport Justin Bieber and revoke his green card” petition. The GOP is trying to decide how to say that Obama’s no comment response is wrong.

–

In #MattCain‘s last two starts for #SFGiants the team has scored zero runs. Maybe time to pinch hit Babe Bumgarner.

–

Or maybe it’s time for the Giants to start someone like Jeremy Affeldt.  And bring Cain in during the 2nd. Just to fake the offense out.

–

If Pablo Sandoval is going to struggle to hit his weight, maybe he should eat more. #Sfgiants #Panda

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Tangled up in blue.

March 25, 2014

Sen. Mitch McConnell’s put out an online campaign video featuring Kentucky horse racing, bluegrass, and basketball. Except the picture was of the 2010 men’s national champions – Duke.. Ah well, geography is another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

–

David Cassidy was sentenced to three months of rehab and five years probation for his 2nd DUI in six months and third in less than two years. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really really going to warn you” policy.

 

–

Malaysian Airlines flight 370 is an awful story. But how many people at this point are really looking forward to the day they find the plane so CNN can go back to their regular coverage of norovirus on cruise ships?

–

The Baltimore Ravens have had 3 players arrested in a month, Ray Rice for assault, WR Deonte Thompson for possession of marijuana, and OL Jah Reid for misdemeanor battery during a bar fight. On a brighter note, at least none of the arrests were for murder.

–

A 9 year old Colorado girl who shaved her head, to support a friend who went bald because of cancer treatment,  was temporarily suspended for violating her school’s dress code. Really? Even in Florida the response is “Are you folks nuts?”

–

Really. The Tea Party is now complaining that the new OFA “Don’t Tread on My Obamacare” bumper sticker is stealing their symbol. Because they had first stole the Gadsden flag fair and square from the American Revolution?

–

Can’t wait to see who ESPN’s experts predict will win the Sweet Sixteen game between Ohio State and Kansas. Oops, never mind.

 

–

The NFL is going to start penalizing goal post dunks in 2014. Well, at least this is one problem that won’t be faced by the Oakland Raiders.

–

 

NY Knicks at LA Lakers Tuesday night on TNT. I’ll take “Games that looked good when they drew up the schedule” for $500, Alex.

–

Donald Rumsfeld just said “a trained ape” would be better at foreign policy than Obama. One, says who? Two, that’s not a nice way for him to talk about his former boss.

 

The Dodgers have ended the NY Yankees’ 15 year streak of leading MLB in payroll. Now let’s see what kind of a streak L.A. can start of proving money doesn’t buy championships.  (In the 21st century, the Giants have twice as many World Series titles as the Yankees. Just sayin’)

–

Investigators have decided that the reason behind Paul Walker’s crash was not a mechanical failure, but rather driving 94 MPH on city streets with a 45 MPH limit. Alas once again, the story is, “Too fast, survivors should be furious.”

 

From guest driver on the bus to hell Bill Littlejohn  “Ex-NBA player Quinton Ross was falsely reported dead on what he calls a ‘tough day’.The day could’ve been worse, though–the report could’ve been true”

 

Interesting, Jimmy Fallon just used almost this exact joke below  from yesterday. I know someone at the Tonight Show with Jay Leno used to “borrow” stuff from this blog. If you’re reading this and are from the new Tonight Show, message me. I’ll freelance officially for cheap!

“Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Details, details.

March 13, 2014

Who says ESPN doesn’t pay enough attention to baseball.

bonds

 

Apparently the first week of Daylight Savings time is one of low productivity for Americans. And then next week starts March Madness. Guess we need to write off the month.

–

Mount St. Mary’s has reached the NCAA March Madness after going 16-16. But to be fair, in the NBA Eastern Conference, with that kind of record, the Mountaineers would probably be a #3 seed.

–

Chris Christie has ordered Tesla to close their direct sales offices in New Jersey, and only sell through franchised car dealerships. What happened to that conservative love of free market competition?

(a couple friends have suggested Christe’s just mad at Tesla because he can’t fit in one.)

–

A #SFGiants prospect who might make the team is Ehire Adrianza. Sounds like he could become #JohnTravolta‘s favorite player.

 

–

Just how big a jerk has Juan Pablo turned out to be? Even Massengill doesn’t want him as an spokesman.

 

Men’s Wearhouse is buying Jos. A Banks. Now you will be able to buy 10 cheap suits for the price of 1. I guarantee it.

–

In San Diego, police say several frat boys on spring break broke into SeaWorld at night, stole ice cream, and went looking for animals to take pictures with. What a shame they didn’t fall into the shark tank.

–

The 18 year old New Jersey honor student who sued to get her parents to support her has apparently moved back home. Anyone thought of setting this princess up with Justin Bieber?

–

Meanwhile, his lawyer is now blaming America’s obsession with celebrities for Justin Bieber’s bad behavior. Can’t imagine how the singer gets the reputation for a complete lack of self-awareness.

–

–

According to US Weekly, Juan Pablo is apparently angry with the ‘Bachelor’ crew because he “thought they gave him no privacy and wanted to know too much about his personal life and what he was doing all the time.” Right, because if you want to guard your privacy everyone knows the best place to do that is on a reality show.

 

So the mystery Iranians on flight 370 apparently were simply young men trying to skirt visa laws to get to Europe. #bummernowwecantbombsomeone?

 

–

Former Florida Governor Reubin Askew, 85, is apparently in “very grave condition” after a stroke. He was Governor when I lived in the state, and was a politican who did some things that actually made Florida admirable. Wishing him the best. #notalwaysabananarepublic.

–

Some are criticizing the President for going on “Between Two Ferns” to promote Obamacare. And I admit, I’d never heard of the show. But really,  folks, the President is trying to reach out to young people. “Between Two Ferns” makes a lot more sense than trying to appeal to both people under 30 who watch “60 Minutes.

 

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

End of an era.

December 5, 2013

Well played, Moonbeam. California Gov. Jerry Brown instructed the state Capitol’s flags be flown at half-staff today in honor of Nelson Mandela.

–

Nelson Mandela has passed away. Sad as it’s the end of an era, but hope the poor man is finally at peace after what sounded like a nightmare year or so of medical intervention.–

–

Seahawks DL Michael Bennett couldn’t get a reservation at a top Seattle restaurant, until he pretended to be Russell Wilson. Of course he’s not the first, Geno Smith has been impersonating an NFL QB for most of the season.

–

 

–
ESPN cancelled a a scheduled appearance by Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy to host “SportsCenter” tonight. Since they were worried about “potential implications of any news from the State Attorney’s press conference in Florida” regarding Jameis Winston. Shame. Might have been some really awesome ratings.
–
Derrick Rose says he thinks he might be back for the playoffs. Is he planning on the Bulls trading him to another team first?

 

–
So now the football field at Cal’s Memorial Stadium will be known as “Kabam Field” Kabam is a fantasy gaming company. Does this even need a punchline?
–
Stanford fans thought a more appropriate choice might have been “Oscar Mayer Weenie Field” –

 

–

A CNN.com article indicates that smoking pot may give men “man boobs.” Of course, it could be the amount of Doritos and doughnuts consumed after smoking pot that result in the man boobs.

–

Color authority Pantone just announced its 2014 Color of the Year “Radiant Orchid – what they call a “captivating, magical, enigmatic purple.” The subgroup of Americans who care about that statement no doubt includes millions of women and about two straight men.

–

Brian Wilson has apparently re-signed with Los Angeles. Of course, as Giants fans know, if the Dodgers really want to get their money’s worth out of Wilson, they’ll extend beer sales through the innings of his appearances.

–

–
Speaker John Boehner says some male House members need to be “a little more sensitive” when they campaign against female candidates. I guess it never occurred to him that they need to make any changes in dealing with women who aren’t candidates?

–

Now that Bashir is gone from MSNBC for being tasteless about Sarah Palin, can we get rid of the equally tasteless idiot who said this on air? “The pope is ripping America, the pope ripping capitalism, the pope ripping trickle-down economics. And Obama’s having an orgasm.”
–
From Bill Littlejohn  “President Obama says he wants to host.”  ‘SportsCenter’ when he retires.This just in–the ESPN website just crashed”
–
From T.C.  An Alabama woman shot and killed another fan after the team lost to archrival Auburn for “not being a big enough fan”. She should have shot at the guy that ran the missed field goal back for a TD on the final play of the game.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Decision time.

August 26, 2013

Going to be a tough call for what to do with Syria. But the GOP is certain; whatever President Obama decides will be wrong.

 

The Buffalo Bills signed Matt Leinart to add QB depth. Giving a whole new NFL fan base the opportunity to be disappointed by an ex-USC quarterback.

–

In some ways, Matt Barkley was precocious.   A  star USC QB who started disappointing fans before he turned pro.

–

 Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal on “Meet the Press” denounced some in his own party, saying “Let’s not talk about impeachment. Let’s actually talk about the policy we disagree with.” Wow. Is Jindal trying to be so reasonable he gets kicked out of the GOP?

–

Taylor Swift was caught on camera mouthing STFU towards ex-boyfriend Harry Styles at the VMA awards Sunday night. Can understand her animosity, but at this rate, Taylor’s going to have a hard time finding someone at these award shows who ISN’T an ex.

–

Does Taylor Swift go on Match.com and put as her number one criteria “Must be good songwriting material for after our breakup?

 

The Mets are out of it, the Yankees are barely in the playoff picture, and Mark Sanchez gets injured in a game where Geno Smith stunk. No pressure now, Eli. And how about those Knicks?

–

How embarrassing could Rex Ryan’s decision to put Mark Sanchez in in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game turn out to be?

If it turns out Sanchez is out for a while and Smith is as big of a dud as he looked like Saturday, Ryan may start saying to the media “Enough. Isn’t it time for you to ask me about my foot fetish?”

–

The Arizona D’backs beat the Philadelphia Phillies last night in an 18 inning game that lasted 7 hours. 7 hours? Are we sure the Red Sox and Yankees weren’t involved?

–

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said today that he is “not convinced” that President Barack Obama himself wouldn’t defund Obamacare if Congress gave him the opportunity to do so. And up in Canada they’re thinking “Thank God he’s not one of ours anymore.”

 

Well at least ESPN is consistent. Headline from the Barclay’s tournament this weekend “Tiger Woods finishes tied for 2nd.” Gosh, did someone actually win the thing?

 

A Chicago Cubs batting weight was spotted today in the Pirates’ on deck circle today in San Francisco. Hmm, is that the reason Pittsburgh was shut out by the Giants?

 

–Serious thought:  The minimum age to be charged with a crime in Louisiana is 10, so an 8 year old boy who shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver with her own gun was released to his parents. If we can’t change gun ownership laws, could we at least adopt the British rule of REQUIRING guns to be locked in a safe place – a gun cabinet or a safe? (And yes, British police can inspect to make sure this is done.)

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Cruz-ing?

August 20, 2013

Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”

–

ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?

–

Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.

–

Another thought about Ted Cruz’s birth certificate. Under Canadian law, unless he formally renounces it, he still has dual-citizenship, and could run for office in Canada. Of course, the country might view that as a serious threat to the U.S/Canada relationship.
 
–
 
Aaron Hernandez, writing a letter to a fan from jail. “My biggest fear of all is she (my little girl) won’t know daddy.” Many people watching this case think it might be scarier if she DID end up knowing him.
 
–
A-Rod’s lawyer said on the “Today Show” he wanted to talk more about the case, but was prohibited from doing so by baseball’s confidentiality clause. Then Matt Lauer showed him a document sent by MLB waiving confidentiality….. This isn’t a steroid issue any more, it’s the “World Series of Poker.”
–
 
Stay classy Texas GOP men: A supporter of Greg Abbott, the attorney general running for Governor tweeted that Abbott “would absolutely demolish idiot @WendyDavisTexas in Gov race – run Wendy run! Retard Barbie to learn life lesson” Abbott’s initial response “Thanks for your support.”
 

After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)

–

Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?

–

The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

World serious.

October 24, 2012

Ten top stories on ESPN.com Tuesday morning and one is about baseball – the Red Sox introducing their new manager. What East Coast bias?

–

The SF Giants are in the World Series after winning six straight postseason elimination games. Waiting for the t-shirt that says “Giants Baseball 2012 – Fifty Shades of Orange.”

–

Another reason baseball is better than football. Today was World Series Media day:   Note the word “day” instead of “week”.

–

From Marc Ragovin,  “Not saying the Cardinals looked flat last night against the Giants,  but for a minute there I thought I was watching Obama at the first debate.”

–

Eva Longoria and QB Mark Sanchez have apparently ended their relationship. Well, at least unlike the Jets, Eva had enough sense not to sign a longterm contract with him.

–

A new ad featuring Natalie Portman for Dior’s Diorshow New Look lash-multiplying mascara has been banned in the U.K for being unrealistic. Uh, anyone actually seen a makeup ad that IS realistic?

–

Ann Coulter said after last night’s debate. “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” Jeez, I think Todd Akin does more for the status of women.

–

Roger Goodell said that the NFL was considering dropping the Pro Bowl. “That would be a real shame”, said absolutely nobody.

–

The Miami Marlins have fired manager Ozzie Guillen. So congrats to all those who had October 23 in the pool.

–

To promote their new pan pizza, Domino’s outlets will offer over 500,000 free pizza slices today at lunchtime. Wow, that’s almost 10 pounds of real cheese.

–

In Indiana, U.S Senate candidate Richard Mourdock just said he is against abortion in cases of rape because “it is something that God intended to happen.” And somewhere God may be thinking “Are you kidding? I didn’t even intend Richard Mourdock to happen.

–

Regarding Tagg Romney’s investment firm having a financial interest in a company that makes voting machines that will be used in Ohio – I actually am not a fan of conspiracy theories. But can you imagine the GOP reaction if say, a Virginia Ohio voting machine company was partly owned by a friend of Obama’s?

–

Welcome to the big leagues. UCF appealed their postseason ban for recruiting violations, and the NCAA said they won’t rule until January, so the 5-2 Golden Knights will be bowl eligible in 2012. Thereby assuring all the guilty parties will be long gone when the punishment kicks in.

–

From T.C.  What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner? Felix landed on his feet.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Black and orange and a little bit blue.

October 12, 2012

For anyone who’s been thinking nostalgically  about Will Clarks’s 1987 “I’ve been waiting for this since I was an f**king amateur.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/tim-lincecum_n_1959995.html

–

And anyone who had a very unproductive few hours at work following the Giants-Reds game already knows this.  But for the uninitiated – torture is back.

–

–

SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home.  So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on … Thursday Night Football,  Dale Earnhardt, Jr,  and of course,  the Yankees.

–

Tonight’s Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games.

–

 

All this hype about the importance of winning tonight’s running mate debate. Yeah, it made such a difference to Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.

–

An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said – “I’ll have what he’s having.”

–

Paul Ryan danced around an abortion question so carefully,  he may be invited to compete on the next DWTS.

–

Damn, if Joe Biden ever gets tired of this political stuff he has an endorsement contract waiting with 5-Hour Energy.

–

Maybe before the next debate President Obama should practice against Joe Biden instead of John Kerry.  No one will ever accuse Biden of being too polite.

–

James Young, the #5 basketball recruit in the country, says he’s going to Kentucky, adding “I’m not just looking for the NBA. I’m looking for an education and a national championship and that’s about it.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

–

Ah perspective. Texas Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan, discussing the end of the season, said the timing of Josh Hamilton’s decision to quit smokeless tobacco this summer “couldn’t have been worse.” Uh, is there ever a bad time to quit chewing tobacco?

–

How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.”

–

From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying Mitt Romney is loaded, but he just bought one of his granddaughters a Barbie’ S Dream House with its own car elevator.”

–

–

Somewhere Lloyd Bentsen is thinking: “I knew Jim Lehrer, Jim Lehrer was a friend of mine, Martha Raddatz, you’re no Jim Lehrer. – Thank God.”

–

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

Looks like “we” haven’t made it.

September 15, 2012

 

 

 

Bobby Valentine, on the Red Sox – “This is the weakest roster we’ve ever had in September in the history of baseball.” Yeah, he’s got his team’s back – with a sharp knife in it.

 

–

Kentucky has a new $7 million dorm for men’s basketball, with all singles and a private chef, along with flat screen televisions, pool tables and leather recliners. It’s almost enough to make the players wish they were staying more than a year.

–

Chicago Cubs president Theo Epstein said today that rebuilding the team “won’t happen overnight” and that 2013 may also be tough. Undaunted, die-hard Cubs fans immediately put on t-shirts saying “Wait until the year after next year.”

–

Mitt Romney on pop culture: “I’m kind of a Snooki fan. Look how tiny she’s gotten. She’s lost weight.” Uh, Mitt does know Snooki’s no longer pregnant?

–

Reading the media coverage, I am confused. So is there some football game before Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz meet up again on Sunday?

–

Move over Arizona and Florida, we’ve got a new challenger for the crazy crown. In Kansas, the State Objections Board – composed of 3 GOP elected officials –has postponed until Monday a decision on removing President Obama from the state ballot over objections about his birth certificate.

–

ESPN’s Andrew Stark says Buster Posey is now the favorite for the NL MVP. Shocking. ESPN knows anyone plays baseball well on the West Coast?!

–

All this hubbub over the topless pictures of Kate. It could have been worse – the paper could have published pictures of Camilla.

 

 

David Price got his 18th win of 2012, improving to 7-3 against the Yankees. Unfazed, New York management feels confident that in a new years they will  have Price’s free agency contract ready.

 

 

 

Mitt Romney, about his October 3 upcoming first debate with President Obama:  “I think the challenge that I’ll have in the debate is that the president tends to, how shall I say it, to say things that aren’t true.”

As opposed to what Mitt himself says, which is true until he says something later.

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Inopportune moments,

September 12, 2012

You can’t make this stuff up: ABC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, and Fox all aired moments of silence at 8:48 a.m. today. NBC? They had Kardashian mom Kris Jennner talking about her breast implants.

–

GoDaddy says yesterday’s major outage “was not a ‘hack”, but rather a “series of internal network events that corrupted router data tables.”   Well, that ought to make users feel confident.

–

Quote found by my friend  David Lombardi from USC running back Silas Redd:   “You have to have a little bit of a sense of urgency going into the conference, this is where you make your money.”

Well, at least he’s honest.

–

Reds manager Dusty Baker said he is concerned about Aroldis Chapman’s recent drop in velocity, down to an average of 94.4 MPH on Monday. Upon hearing this Jamie Moyer and Barry Zito  just sobbed.

–

According to SI.com men’s basketball co-captains Kyle Casey and Brandyn Curry were both implicated in the recent Harvard cheating scandal. Wow, first the NCAA tournament, now cheating? Guess the Crimson program has really hit the big time.

(and in the “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” category – thanks to Rich for telling me this –  the class where  Casey, Curry and over 120 other students were caught cheating?  “Introduction to Congress.”)

–

–

What East Coast bias?   ESPN.com has a headline talking about the Giants’ chances in the playoffs. Oops, it’s the NY Giants. After week ONE. Never mind.

–

Yikes. After swearing off Twitter in May, Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen has tweeted “I am. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Over-under on how long before he tweets something he has to apologize for?

–

Americans were all thinking positive thoughts about New York on the anniversary of September 11. But that doesn’t mean we can’t take pleasure in a Yankees loss.

–

The shocking dilemma of the year in Washington, D.C. Do sports fans on a budget put deposits down for post season tickets on the Nationals or the Orioles?

–

Maybe SF Giants should let Madison Bumgarner skip a start and rest his arm. In the meantime he can bat third.

–

Roger Clemens said he only wants to pitch for the Astros in 2012 if he can pitch against a “contender.” So he can “knock them right out of the playoffs” And Barry Bonds is thinking – “And they thought I had a big head?”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

TGIF – again?

July 6, 2012

The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.

–

The Giants’ Aubrey Huff,  hitting .155 and  on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?

–

Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”

(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)

–

According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?

–

An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.

–

Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?

–

Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.

–

Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?

–

Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.

–

David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.

–

Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”

–

Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”

(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”

–

–

Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)

–

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Scoring change.

February 19, 2012

Apparently Maine may recount their caucuses, and Mitt Romney could end up losing the state to Ron Paul. This after he lost Iowa in a recount to Rick Santorum. Looks like Mitt’s victories may win up beng as long lasting as his positions.

–

A new California Family Health Council program will allow teens in some counties to receive free condoms by mail. Said many teenagers “What’s mail?”

–

United Airlines is adopting Continental’s pet transport program known as “PetSafe,” which means that animals who are too big to fit in the cabin have to fly as cargo, not checked luggage. For many destinations this will significantly increase the cost. On the other hand, the pets will still be more comfortable than their owners in coach.

–

Paul Babeu is an AZ sheriff who became famous for opposing illegal immigration, and is now running for congress. He has been accused of threatening a male ex-lover with deportation if he made their relationship public. After texts were released, Babeu admited he is gay but denies making serious threats. When will they learn, love may fade, but cellphone records are forever?

–

Nancy Grace refuses to apologize for saying “who let [Whitney Houston] slip, or pushed her, underneath that water?” Prompting many to suggest that maybe what Grace herself needs is a few drinks and a long bath.

–

ESPN has apologized for using the headline “Chink in the Armor” referring to Jeremy Lin’s nine turnover’s last night in the Knicks loss to the Hornets. In related news, U.S. unemployment figures are about to increase by one.

–

On the other hand, for fans of politically incorrect humor, my comedy pal T.C Chong from British Columbia, who has the birthright to make Asian jokes, has a few variations on Lin puns.

For starters. “Chinese Delivery Ends”, and “Lin is just taking all this with a grain of rice. He says the people at ESPN can’t “Wok and Chu Gum” at the same time.” (Others in comments on yesterday’s post.)

–

The conservatives screaming about free birth control are often the same people screaming about those who pay no federal taxes. And who want to cut welfare, govt. subsidized child care, health care, etc. Really guys, if you want to reduce the number of poor people and kids, birth control should be a sacrament.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Decisions, decisions, decisions..

August 18, 2010

The Brett Favre saga continues. Apparently the Vikings let three active players leave practice to fly down to Mississippi to try to convince the 40 year quarterback to return.

Note to Minnesota, if you have to beg, he’s just not that into you.

–

On the other hand, ESPN remains in love with the story. Sportscenter is turning into “Decision; the Miniseries.”

–
But back to basketball, now Carmelo Anthony is wondering whether he should opt out of his contract with the Denver Nuggets, or sign his extension, or just demand a trade. Because he feels he should be able to go play with his friends too, and win a championship ring.

So when did the NBA become the “Narcissists Basketball Association?”

–
Apparently this year the Cleveland Cavaliers will have new uniforms, with altered colors and bolder lettering on the front. Wonder if that lettering will include the phrase “Lebron sucks?”

–
As the San Francisco Giants go through another rough patch in their season while they are fighting for a playoff spot, it does remind us that there are advantages to being a Cubs fan. None of this late-August/September stress.

–
Cher is working on a new album, but the 64-year-old diva says that fans “shouldn’t expect the same dance music” heard on her 1998 album, “Believe.”

Dance music? How about walker music?

–

Yet another example of why winning isn’t everything. Daughtry, who finished fourth on season five of American Idol, is appearing on the “NBC Today Show Concert Series” Friday. Meanwhile, Taylor Hicks, that season’s winner, is appearing this weekend at the Rrazz Room in the San Francisco Nikko Hotel, capacity 186 people.

–
After being criticized for her repeated use of the “N word,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger said she is giving up her radio show because she wants to “regain her free speech” rights, and “move onto other venues where I could say my piece and not have to live in fear anymore.” Hmm, wonder what position she will have at Fox News?

–

Quote of the day on Newt Gringrch “He is a political opportunist;, what Newt is doing is he’s trying to get out and be more flamboyant and more charismatic, if you will, and more controversial than Sarah Palin” And the quote is from that flaming liberal Pat Buchanan.

–
Absolutely agree that President Obama can be too nuanced. But as to him saying that there is a right to do something without commenting on the wisdom of doing it, well that’s a concept most parents of college students who are legally adults are very familar with….

–
Ironic actually, that our first mixed-race president seems to have so many problems with nuanced statements. Because so many Americans just seem to want answers in black and white.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 5 Comments

After the decision…any other sporting events on this weekend?

July 10, 2010

Regarding ESPN’s “the Decision,” Lebron James may have set a record – for the most damage a public figure could do to his reputation in an hour while still keeping his pants on.

Many in the media are saying that by broadcasting “The Decision,” ESPN lost their reputation for integrity. I disagree. That reputation was gone a long time ago.

–
Lebron should be a little careful with his pals in the party atmosphere of South Beach. Otherwise, following in Kobe’s footsteps, the next ring he gets may be for his wife.

–
Paul the Octopus has become famous for, so far, successfully predicting the winners of World Cup matches. And he has picked Spain to win it all. While some question the octopus’s ability, to be fair it’s probably true that Paul has paid more attention to the World Cup so far than most Americans.

–
Two players from the University of Tennessee were charged, and others may be facing charges, after a serious bar brawl.. And an off-duty police officer who tried to break up the fight was knocked unconscious.

Who said that by jumping to USC so quickly Lane Kiffin wouldn’t be around long enough to leave a legacy?

–
She doesn’t HAVE to go on department…

Celine Dion has announced she is expecting twin boys in November. From all over the world good wishes are pouring in, many of them suggesting “take some time off from singing after the boys are born…at least until they are ready for college.”

–
Eight strikeouts for Stephen Strasburg Friday night in six innings. But will there be an asterisk? He was pitching against the San Francisco Giants.

–

Kudos to the Texas Rangers. Their “agreement in principle” with the New York Yankees for Cliff Lee ended up with New York making them a low-ball “take-it-or-leave-it” offer. And the Rangers basically gave the Yankees the same message Lindsay Lohan wore into court on her fingernail.
–

Joe Biden finally made it to the Tonight Show. The Vice President apparently would have appeared on the show sooner, but it took a while for Leno to explain that they only had 60 minutes.

–
You know, Biden has said a lot of stupid things in the last couple years. But he really hasn’t matched – “Sure, I’ll leave the Tonight show and do a five day a week 10pm slot.”

–
Nevada senate candidate Sharron Angle is blasting Harry Reid over the state’s 14 percent unemployment rate. Now, Angle herself has said she believes alcohol should be illegal. Well, what harm could that do to employment in Nevada…?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Awaiting the Winter Classic.

October 26, 2009

Yet another example of why we all love the Yankees….

C.C. Sabathia, after New York won the ALCS “It’s not really a surprise that we are here.

–
Makes sense now that they are the Los Angeles Angels instead of the California Angels. More “E’s

–

Questions of the day.

What’s more likely?

President Obama getting more than 1 or 2 Senate Republicans to vote for his healthcare bill.

or

The Washington Redskins winning another game this season?

–
First Steve Phillips was fired for his latest affair with a young staffer, after basically leaving the Mets for the same reason. Now Bob Griese has been suspended for a stupid racial remark about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya. Is it time to change the network’s slogan to “Expect Something Puerile Nightly?”

–
According to his publicist, fired ESPN analyst Steve Phillips has checked himself into a rehab center and is “not a sleazebag.” So what makes a man someone who “just needs help” and not a sleazebag? Apparently having the money for rehab.

–
So the Northwest pilots’ latest excuse is that they were working on their laptops on “crew scheduling.” Wonder what “crew scheduling” is the code for – porn or “Freecell?”

And if they actually were distracted because the crew scheduling was complicated, what happens when they have to do something even more complicated. Like reading a 757’s instruction manual?

–
The Pac 10 today suspended an official for missing a personal foul/face mask call in the USC-Oregon State game. After a OSU touchdown, USC safety Taylor Mays basically ripped the receiver’s helmet off. No word from the Trojans on any disciplinary action for Mays. Maybe the school’s initials should be UCS, University of Cheap Shots.

–
Commie pinko thought of the night.

If government messes everything up and the public option is such a bad idea, how come we aren’t hearing about all the demonstrations from seniors who want to be released from Medicare?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

America’s team?

October 24, 2009

If anyone doubts who the national media expects and wants in the World Series, check out this headline from SI.com -“An Angels win in Game 6 would likely limit CC Sabathia to two World Series starts.”

–
So the Obama adminstration wants to limit salaries when corporations take government money. Since their new stadium used some public funds, we may have just found a way to rein in the Yankees.

–

A woman gave birth on a flight over Malaysia. The airline, Air Asia, will give her and her son free flights for life. In the U.S. they would have charged her for an extra carry-on.

–

The first explanation from the Northwest pilots who missed Minneapolis was that they were engaged in a “heated discussion” about airline policy. If so, what policy? The one that tells them to ask for directions? Or read a map? Or has the airline started charging pilots for their onboard happy hour?

–
Stand by for more excuses for the pilots. Maybe they would have been better off saying they were distracted by a little boy flying past in a balloon.

–
Some people cannot believe the two male pilots could be completely oblivious to all communications for an hour and 20 minutes. These people have clearly not observed enough men watching the second half of a close football game.

–

And as mentioned yesterday, the indecision on landing in Minneapolis does suggest Brett Favre might have been involved. Since the plane overshot the airport by 150 miles, however, Bill Littlejohn suggests that the NFL player in the cockpit might have been JaMarcus Russell.

But had it been Russell, the FAA would have had no problem intercepting them.

–
Mayumi Heene, the wife of “balloon boy” dad Richard Heene, now says the whole incident was a hoax. Her husband still maintains that he has been telling the truth. I don’t know about a reality show, but maybe they could compete with Jon and Kate on a new version of “Family Feud.”

–
The Washington Redskins have announced Jim Zorn will remain their coach through the end of the season. Translation, they can’t find anyone else to take the job.

–
Representative Alan Grayson of Florida recently referred to former Vice President Cheney as a “vampire.” The comment has earned Grayson a fair amount of criticism, but perhaps none angrier than from the Vampire Anti-Defamation League.

–
A few weak jokes for a weak douchebag:

–
So Steve Phillips, suspended from his job at ESPN because of a sex scandal with a 22 year old assistant, had to take a leave from his previous job with the Mets because of a sex scandal and a confession of “multiple affairs” there too.

Maybe he thought ESPN stood for Extramartial Sex Preferred Nightly?

–
No word yet on if Steve will confess to multiple affairs at the network too. Though perhaps among the women who work in Bristol. a possible new topic of water cooler conversation is “Ever Seen Phillips Naked?

Yo, Steve, it’s PLAYS of the week. Not Player of the Week.

Kind of ironic though, ESPN is the network that at first refused to report on the rape allegations against Ben Roethlisberger.
–
First Letterman with his production assistants, now Phillips with his production assistant. Wonder how many networks received a call today about potentially hosting a show from Bill Clinton?

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Newer Entries »