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Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

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Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

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Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

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The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

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Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

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A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

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We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

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So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

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The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

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The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

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Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

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Another one doesn’t bite the dust.

November 20, 2011

But numbers #2 and #4, and #5 and #7 sure did.

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Lee Corso’s “F*** it” comment today on College Game Day is going viral. In Corso’s defense he says was just previewing what BCS executives are saying to each other tonight looking at what’s left of their top 10.

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In Eugene, Oregon still had BCS title hopes alive until the last second, with a chance to tie USC and put the game into overtime, but their field goal attempt sailed wide left. Who do the Ducks think they are, Florida State?

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Ugly win in ugly weather for Stanford over Cal. But Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Oregon and Clemson would trade places with the Cardinal tonight.

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Meanwhile, Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named to the NCAA’s Academic All American first team. The response from most of the SEC “Academic? Is that like part of the Academy Awards or something?”

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Meanwhile Penn State beat Ohio State. Sad to think that a month ago this would have made fans of clean football programs happy.

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Old Navy goofed up earlier this year with “Lets go” football shirts (no hyphen). Now Victoria’s Secret came out with a “Hail to the Victors” shirt. Except that the shirt is green, and says “Go Spartans”…. (Don’t know if they’re more offended in Ann Arbor or Lansing.)

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If President Obama wants a big jump in his approval ratings maybe he should consider an executive order making the BCS unconstitutional. (The SEC is all red states anyway.)

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Meanwhile, happy belated birthday (Saturday) to V.P. Joe Biden. Hard to believe it was just a few short years ago that he was considered to be the politician most likely to embarrass himself by opening his mouth.

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Joe Paterno’s son Jay said Friday that while his world has turned “upside down” in the past two weeks, “We’ve got to make sure we keep focus on the victims of this whole tragedy.”

Uh, isn’t Jerry Sandusky saying there are no victims?

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Jon Huntsman appeared on SNL Saturday night, and was funny, self-deprecating, and articulate. On a night with Kermit the Frog and some Muppets on the show, Hunstman showed again why this Republican primary is calling for a rousing chorus of “One of these things is not like the other.”

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Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has “advised” in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can’t he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington?

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Mitt Romney said this weekend – “I’m not looking for the next step in my political career. I don’t have a political career.” Paraphrased, “I’m blaming everything I supposedly said and did in Massachusetts on my evil twin.”

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It’s shaping up to be a great Sunday for football fans in Indianapolis – the Colts have a bye week.

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Finally tonight’s “bus to hell” comment courtesy of T.C. “NCAA announces plans for the 1st annual Churchill Downs Horseplayers Bowl: Penn St vs Syracuse.”

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Another chance at the #1 pick bites the dust?

November 7, 2011

For many NFL fans, Sunday is a day of frustration. And today the most frustrated fans in the U.S. might reside in Miami. Where the Dolphins’ failure to collapse as usual cost them first place in the Andrew Luck bowl.

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Peyton Manning has talked about wanting to come to practice to try to help the Colts, even if he can’t play. At this point Indy may ban him from being anywhere near the field.

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Now that Miami has no chance for a “perfect” record, will the 1972 Dolphins celebrate by breaking out some Andre Cold Duck? Or generic beer?

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Still can’t quite believe that 9-6 – (in overtime) – LSU Alabama game. Most of the players haven’t seen a score that low since they took their SAT tests.

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If we needed any more proof that ESPN has become a wholly owned subsidiary of the SEC (as well as the Yankees), the headlines tonight might remove the doubt – “Alabama falls to #3 after loss to LSU.” As opposed to “Undefeated Stanford still behind one-loss Alabama in BCS poll.”

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I know Barack Obama is a Bears fan, but you have to figure he’s developing a soft spot for the Redskins. Because once a week now, Washington residents are screaming at someone besides the President.

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So does today’s 38-24 Denver-Oakland game mean that God really loves Tim Tebow? Or that He/She just really doesn’t like the Raiders?

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So a thought for all these folks calling for an LSU-Alabama rematch in the National Championship: Teams tend to be more conservative in big bowl games. Which means last night’s tie in regulation might be a 0-0 game in January. So how many overtimes would it for both teams to go to penalty kicks?

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San Diego’s Philip Rivers threw 3 interceptions in a 45-38 loss to the Packers today. Well, adding this to last week’s fumble means that Rivers probably won’t make the Pro Bowl but that giving spirit does make Philip the front runner to play Santa Claus at the Chargers’ Christmas party.

(my friend Michael Moroney adds “or the Packers’ party.”)

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My son noticed this, and we wonder why ESPN doesn’t seem too concerned about college athletes neglecting academics : GAMEDAY WEEK 11: NOV 12 2011
LIVE FROM PAL ALTO, CA (Guess things like spelling/geography aren’t required for a career in sportscasting.)

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“Puss in Boots” remains #1 at the Box Office, thanks to the family audience. Makes sense. Kids love the cats. And moms just close their eyes to listen to and think about Antonio Banderas.

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Kris Jenner insists that the public shouldn’t criticize Kris, because they don’t “really know her family.” Dear gawd, you know what that means – more Kardashian “reality” shows.

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Well, at least she’s consistently inconsistent: Liz Cheney, saying that the media’s focus on sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain were “pretty frustrating,” and “this is not the issue that’s going to decide the election.” Of course, Liz recently attacked Bill Clinton’s involvement with the White House because “there’s not exactly an impeccable record of integrity there on the part of the former president.”

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Okay, I have no idea exactly what happened between Herman Cain and his accusers back in the 1990s. But I do have to wonder, if it were women who were coming forward to make similar accusations against a young Barack Obama, would all the conservatives claiming “dirty tricks” and “racism” be giving the President the same benefit of the doubt?

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Game of the Century?

November 5, 2011

Well, after watching LSU-Alabama hype all week I think I have figured it out – the matchup is definitely this year’s “Game of the Century.”

Tickets to the LSU-Alabama game are going for a higher price online than tickets to game 7 of the World Series. Makes sense. It’s the SEC. Some players are probably higher paid than the World Series players too.

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Brian Cashman says the Yankees won’t go after Pujols because “It’s not an efficient way to try to allocate your resources.” Uh, considering that the Yankees have over a $200 million payroll and couldn’t get past the first round of the playoffs, should Cashman be considered an expert in allocating resources?

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Boise State is ready to join the Big East, but they want the conference to add a Western Division. Well, heck, why not go all the way and add Hawaii?

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Okay, who will turn out to be stupider in this Justin Bieber paternity suit? The alleged mom, who may not have thought about statutory rape laws. Or Bieber, who says he never met her, and may not have thought about DNA testing.

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Another thought about Matty Alou. In Giants heaven maybe McCovey DOES hit that ball a foot higher?

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So Lindsay Lohan had to reshoot her Playboy cover? Not surprised, figure these days anything Lindsay does is over-exposed.

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With some saying the sexual harassment claims against Herman Cain are just political attempts to take down a front-runner, this does bring up the question – why wouldn’t “they” have gone after Mitt Romney first?

Maybe because few people in America can even imagine Mitt flirting with his own wife?

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All the comparisons of Herman Cain to Clarence Thomas are focusing on the sexual harassment claims. But another apt comparison might be in terms of their basic intelligence and competence.

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Question for all these fans of the “personhood” amendment, which says life begins at the moment of fertilization. Does that mean a company becomes a person at the moment of incorporation?

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Greg Frazier picked this up, that Stanford’s football team has a 13-0-1 streak against the spread. Meaning according to Pregame.com, if you’d bet $100 at the beginning of the streak and just let it ride, you’d have $447,351.

But as Dwight Perry said, “The bad news, if you had $447,351 riding on Saturday’s triple-OT win over USC, you’d be dead of a heart attack by now.” (Stanford won by 8 with the fumble, the spread was 7 1/2.)

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World semi-Serious.

October 25, 2011

One nice thing about baseball, each day is completely different. The Cardinals scored 16 runs against Texas Saturday, then got shut out Sunday. And game five was close until the eighth. Whereas the Colts could play the Saints every week this year and Indianapolis would probably not come within four touchdowns.

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A two part joke written with my friend Jerry Perisho, his part first:

“Don’t worry NBA fans, you can still see your team’s dancers perform; just bring plenty of $1 bills.”

Mine: But go early to see the Heat cheerleaders, I hear they quit before the night is over.

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Newt Gingrich criticized Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the last debate saying: “I literally felt like I was the recess monitor on the playground, watching these two kids.” Prompting an immediate demand for an apology, from schoolchildren.

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McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib nationwide through November 14. Now, leaving all the McHeart Attack jokes aside. some complain they shouldn’t call it a “McRib,” when the sandwich has no bones. On the other hand, they do call them “ham” burgers.

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Paul Leka, 68, who wrote the chorus of “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye),” reportedly died October 12. Well, I guess we all know what they sang at his funeral..

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said he is supporting a plan to allow student athletes to receive $2,000 a year beyond their scholarships. (The usual scholarships just cover tuition, fees, books, room and board.) While the idea is popular with many athletes, some football players say they don’t know if they can afford the pay cut.

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Oregon’s star CB Cliff Harris was already cited for driving 118 mph on a suspended license in June and joking to an officer who smelled marijuana that “we smoked it all. Today he was cited again for several infractions, including driving on a suspended license and driving without insurance. Maybe it’s true what they say about pot affecting your memory.

You have to wonder, aren’t there any taxis in Eugene? Or fans who could drive a football star around campus?

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And Harris has been suspended, again, from the football team. Meaning he cannot participate even in practices and will miss at least Saturday’s game. Over-under on him being conditionally reinstated November 11? (As November 12 is the Ducks’ game with Stanford.)

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Fun sidelight of watching the World Series – the realization with the Mavericks and Rangers that the Dallas Cowboys are at best the third best professional team in Dallas.

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Theo Epstein visited Wrigley Field for the first time as GM this morning. His first project? Presumably to find and take down that sign that says “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

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Watching the stories and gory videos coming out of Libya, must say one thing for the United States. Even allowing for Florida we do have a much more civilized transfer of power.

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Michele Bachmann has said that the gay and lesbian lifestyle amounts to “personal bondage, and personal enslavement.” Her husband Marcus has compared gays to “barbarians” who need to be “disciplined.” You do get the sense both of them have spent too much time in leather shops South of Market in SF

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Saturday night lights.

October 23, 2011

Congrats to St. Louis on their game three World Series 16-7 win. Not only did the Cardinals outscore the Rangers, they probably will outscore the Rams this weekend.

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Wasn’t actually able to see the Cardinals -Rangers game tonight. 16-7? Wonder how St. Louis scored their safety?

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A German satellite path is supposed to crash to Earth this weekend at over 17,098 mph. It could be the fastest most spectacular fall since Rick Perry’s post first-debate poll numbers.

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In Louisiana, voters are expected to re-elect Governor Bobby Jindal in a landslide. Of course, Jindal has an amazing first-term record by state standards – he hasn’t been arrested

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Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamalu was fined $10,000 for talking on a team cell phone in the bench area. He had sustained a mild concussion and was calling his wife to tell her he wasn’t seriously hurt. $10,000? The same or more as many unnecessary roughness penalties. Once again, NFL – No Freaking Logic..

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Regarding those three LSU starters who were suspended a game after testing positive for synthetic marijuana: I am sure it was just coincidence that the test was the week before the Tigers’ game against relatively lowly Auburn, as opposed to the game against Alabama.

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Lots of fans must have turned on Stanford-Washington football game Saturday night, and watched a track meet break out. The final score, 65-21, with Stanford rushing for 446 yards. (And the Huskies had touchdown runs of 46 and 61 yards.)

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The Washington Huskies were ranked #25 coming into tonight’s game. And Stanford won by 41 points. Will be interesting to see how the BCS uses this an an excuse to drop the Cardinal in the polls.

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Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 86, tied Eddie Robinson for all time D-1 coaching wins, with his 408th career victory Saturday night over Norhwestern.

Even more impressive than the 408 wins, Paterno can remember half of them.

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Sign of the apocalypse?

October 11, 2011

Is this a sign of the apocalypse or what? At the time of writing this post, the best professional team in Michigan plays football, and the best professional team in Texas plays baseball.

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Okay, we all know that the SEC conference has the best on-field reputation in college football. (We won’t talk about stuff like academics and felonies, for now.)

But looking at the rankings, with Boise State over Stanford in most polls, when did the Mountain West Conference pass the Pac 12?

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Apparently due to an outage, millions of BlackBerry users in Europe have been without Web and texting service Monday. What a crisis. Many teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

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A legally blind high school student in New Jersey pitched a no-hitter. Which might be a first. Although many sports fans would say that legally-blind umpires have often called one.

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Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty says “if I would have known then what I know now” he would have stayed in the presidential race longer. Well, yeah, at the very least Pawlenty would have had his turn to have poll numbers equal to or better than Mitt Romney’s.

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Netflix got a brief public relations boost Monday morning by announcing they are reversing their plan to split their streaming and DVD rentals into two companies with two logins, passwords, etc. But then all those happy customers realized, the price hike stays….

This is kind of like leaving your wife for another woman, returning, and saying “by the way honey, mind if she stays with us for a while?”

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Hank Williams Jr, is coming out with a new song “I’ll keep my ….” Including the line “So Fox `n Friends wanna put me down/Ask for my opinion/Twist it all around….” And he urges Americans to boycott the show (along with ESPN.) Must give props to Williams – he’s done something few thought possible – accused “Fox & Friends” of being overly PC.

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Okay, lies, damn lies and statistics time. And yes, the 49ers are somehow 4-1. But if you look at quarterback ratings, Alex Smith, at 104.1 is behind only Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers as the number three QB in the country.

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Gov. Jerry Brown signed legislation banning “Open-Carry” of unloaded handguns in California. On the SF Chronicle website there are a number of comments saying “Well, he just lost my vote.” Okay, but if anyone cares so much about carrying an unloaded gun in public, did we really think they were going to vote for Brown in the first place?

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Game two of the ALCS between Detroit and Texas was cancelled in advance due to rain. Except it never rained. So who made the decision about this over-hyped storm – a “Dream Team” of weather forecaster.

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“Joe the Plumber” is back and running for Congress. Anyone else wish that Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes was a lifetime cap in some cases?

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Apparently Rick Perry’s campaign staff is trying to reduce his future speaking errors and bad performances by making the Governor get more sleep. Is that really likely to work? The modern president who was most consistently the “early to bed” type was George W. Bush.

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Rough week.

October 10, 2011

Rough week for New York sports fans. The Yankees were eliminated. And the Jets and the Giants both lost. On a more cheerful note, it looks like the Knicks’ season may be cancelled.

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Not that things are much happier in Philly. As fans wonder if Michael Vick is entering the “Dog Days” of October.

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Denver coach John Fox made fans happy and inserted Tim Tebow into the Broncos game against the the Chargers today. So is it God’s will that Tebow play? Maybe, or maybe God is just thinking “Well, I’m not sure about Tim, but I’ve sure seen enough of Kyle Orton”

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The Vikings went up 21-0 in the first quarter against Arizona, and won 34-10. Although worried Minnesota fans at first were just wondering if the team was trying to set an NFL record for the biggest lead that a team could manage to lose.

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Realize that Pac 12 football is lightly regarded, still it’s hard to believe crushing Colorado 48-7 was really cause for Stanford being dropped in the polls against Wisconsin. Especially as the Badgers faced the mighty “Bye week.”

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If this keeps up the Cardinal could go undefeated and not finish in the top ten.

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For the first time in recent memory there is no team from Florida in the AP college football top 25. Shame they aren’t eligible since otherwise the Miami Dolphins might qualify.

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Thought after watching the Raiders game: Sebastian Janikowski – the only kicker in the NFL who hits 50 yard chip shots.

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California Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill allowing children age 12 and up to get vaccinated for STDs without their parents’ consent. Well, as a parent I would hope kids wait considerably beyond age 12. But on the other hand, the kids it applies to didn’t need their parents’ consent to become sexually active in the first place

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Herman Cain, when asked on CNN about the recent controversy as to whether or not Mitt Romney is a Christian, responded “He’s a Mormon. That much I know. I am not going to do an analysis of Mormonism versus Christianity for the sake of answering that. I’m not getting into that.” Maybe Cain is ready to be president. That answer is on the level of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

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Meanwhile, in California, Gavin Newsom spoke at a Democratic meeting in Half Moon Bay and criticized President Obama, Jerry Brown and other Democrats for not doing enough to fix the economy. Apparently they didn’t live up to the perfect standards he set as the mayor of San Francisco.

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Saturday Night Late.

October 2, 2011

Anyone have a clue what’s with SNL and the Lawrence Welk spoofs? Do they figure the only people who still regularly find the show funny are old enough to remember the original?

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Stanford beat UCLA tonight in football, 45 to 19. In a game that starte at 745p. 1045p EST. Just in time maybe for the opening kickoff return to make the late night east coast news. All hail America’s true God – television.

The game finished just before 2am. EST. Presumably just in time for the first NFL pre-game show.

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Barry Sanders, Jr, (yes, the son of the NFL Hall of Famer), is considering several universities where he might play college football. The leading candidates are apparently Oklahoma State, Florida State, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn and Stanford. Of course, Stanford can offer Sanders one thing the other schools can’t – actual classes.

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Another week, another heartbreaking collapse in the fourth quarter for Texas A & M. Who’s coaching this team? Lebron James?

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A guy known as “Ben” is appearing on a Style Network reality show called “Sperm Donor,” where he told his fiance he may have fathered as many as 70 biological children. Responded a few anonymous NBA players – “Amateur.”

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Looks like there may be a silver lining to Ohio State’s 2011 season. This year the Buckeyes won’t have any big-time bowl memorabilia to sell.

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Now of course, OSU may right the ship. But if not, it could be a good rivalry game this year for the folks in Ann Arbor. Wonder how many headline writers are just itching to write “Wolverines tattoo Buckeyes.”

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Kobe Bryant is apparently negotiating seriously to play in Italy next year. Presumably his wife will insert a clause saying the team must house him somewhere without room service.

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Does NBA now stand for “No Basketball Anticipated?”

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The FBI and Dept. of Homeland security are warning that our killing of U.S.-born militant cleric Anwar al-Awlaki, could spark retaliatory attacks. Uh, since Al-Qaeda’s stated objective is to kill Americans, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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At a fundraiser in N.H, Rick Perry said he is open to sending American troops to Mexico to help battle drug cartels. Can’t imagine where Perry gets his reputation for shooting off his mouth without thinking.

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Although he insists he’s not entering the race for President, New Jersey Chris Christie is the latest hope for many in the GOP. It’s all become like watching a reality TV show titled “Who wants to be a Republican presidential candidate?”

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Sarah Palin called Herman Cain the “flavor of the month.” Last night on the “Tonight Show,” Cain cheerfully proclaimed himself “Haagan-Daas Black Walnut,” saying he has “”substance.” Maybe, but many people’s experience with Haagan-Daas is that it’s rich, looks good, seems like a great idea at first, but then after finishing it you think, “Ugh, why did I do that?”

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The Ineligi-Bowl and beyond.

September 18, 2011

Ohio State and Miami played Saturday in a matchup of college football powerhouses facing probation or worse due to NCAA investigations. (Inelig-Bowl is not my original phrase, but it’s an apt one.)

Miami won handily, 24-6, which brings up a paraphrase of an old rhetorical question – “If two teams play in a forest and none of it ends up counting, do we still care?”

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Tommy Lasorda gave a pep talk to the UCLA Bruins before their football game with Texas today. Sounds like the talk was about as successful as any Tommy may have made this year to the Dodgers.

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So the longest winning streak in college football belongs to…. Stanford? Yep, with 11 wins. And more impressively, all the Cardinal starters can count to 11.

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The latest college football program to have their integrity challenged – Oregon. The school has received formal notice of the NCAA investigation into their use of recruiting services. But amazingly with all these investigations, only USC so far has received a postseason ban. Of course, the NCAA is in a quandry. If they ban all the serious violators, there won’t be enough teams left to fill all the bowls.

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Ron Paul won the Republican California Straw Poll. Unfortunately for Paul, California is about as relevant to the GOP nationally as he is.

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Not to say Michele Bachmann looked awkward and uncomfortable on the Tonight Show, but in all seriousness she made last week’s guest Dick Cheney look relaxed and charming.

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You think your favorite player had a bad day – Kevin Prince of UCLA threw three interceptions in the first quarter against Texas. (In fact, he threw seven passes, three completed to his own team, three to Texas, and one incomplete.) Who does he think he is? Brett Favre?

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Did SF Giants GM Brian Sabean overpay for Miguel Tejada, Aaron Rowand and Aubrey Huff this year? Absolutely. But it could be worse. Much worse. Adam Dunn, with a $12 million salary, hit an interesting 2011 milestone last night for the Chicago White Sox – his strikeout total of 161 now matches his batting average of .161

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The current scandal in Italy is whether Premier Silvio Berlusconi may have flown prostitutes on Italian government planes. Not that this is something to brag about, but on the other hand, unlike politicians who also fly on government planes, prostitutes generally do provide value for money.

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A new study reported in the NY Times indicates that failure, and learning to overcome it, may be a secret to success. If so, some of the most successful people in the world must be Cubs fans.

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The best revenge?

September 10, 2011

Not sure laughter is the best revenge, but to all those who think it’s inappropriate to laugh on September 11, I think if we don’t laugh, it’s another way the bad guys win.

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Good to see Bill Clinton taking the high road and working with John Boehner to raise funds for a Flight 93 memorial. Especially as Bill could have said he wanted a John Boehner tribute to 9/11 simply by placing the U.S. permanently at threat level Orange.

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Police are on alert because of “credible but unconfirmed” rumors of a vehicle bomb in New York and/or Washington tomorrow. Not sure what that means but probably a really bad day to be moving to either of those cities and driving around semi-lost in a rental U-Haul.

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With “Contagion” coming out the same weekend as the 10th anniversary of 9/11, the only thing longer than airport security lines are the lines to wash hands at theater bathrooms.

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Despite Nevada’s 69-20 loss to Oregon today, there’s evidence Ducks coach Chip Kelly was taking the Wolfpack seriously. Kelly reinstated star cornerback and punt returner Cliff Harris before the game. Harris had been suspended indefinitely after being cited for driving 118 mph in June, while driving with a suspended license.

(And no doubt Harris has been warned, if he messes up again he’ll be dropped from the team barely with time to enter the NFL supplemental draft.)

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Houston businessman Jim Crane has been waiting since May for MLB to approve his purchase of the Houston Astros. Considering that the team is on pace to lose about 110 games, maybe the delay is due to the time required to complete a sanity evaluation.

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Oregon coach Chip Kelly has reinstated star cornerback and punt returner Cliff Harris for today’s game. Harris had been suspended indefinitely after being cited for driving 118 mph in June, while driving with a suspended license. Apparently driving that fast is forgivable – if you run that fast on a football field.

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Apparently over 20 Fresno State footballl players from Fresno State have been accused of filing for false benefits in a welfare fraud investigation. In the players’ defense they said “Well, it’s not like we could make any money selling memorabilia from the Humanitarian Bowl.”

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Facing increasing more allegations of NCAA violations, Ohio State needed a last minute fourth-down stop to hold off Toledo today – 27 to 22. A loss would have been the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Buckeyes since at least Thursday.

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A Continental Connection plane landed uneventfully at Sulphur, Louisiana Wednesday night. Except that they were supposed to land at Lake Charles, Louisiana, about a half-hour drive away. That’s it. No more pilot happy hours. (Or at least they need to stick to beer over hurricanes.

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Suspended animation?

September 6, 2011

“Suspended animation.” Is that what they might call a cartoon about the 2011 Miami Hurricanes?

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The Hurricanes, with eight players suspended over a scandal about talking illegal benefits from a booster, lost to Maryland tonight, 34-32.

And many in the media were talking about bad breaks and how tough it is for the Hurricanes.

Excuse me, bad breaks are car or plane crashes, or injuries, or random illnesses. Players who have heard lectures repeatedly on NCAA rules regarding boosters and payouts, and then go out and ignore those rules? Sorry, that’s just plain stupid.

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Best sign seen in College Park on the sidelines of the Miami-Maryland game: “Two Hurricanes, One Week, No Problem.”

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The GOP candidates are just now starting to attack each other as well as President Obama. But it’s going to get worse. If the race was six months further along wonder if someone would say God sent the wildfires in Texas to get Rick Perry off the campaign trail.

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Yesterday exactly two FBS (former Division 1 football teams lost to FCS (former D1-AA) teams. Oregon State lost to Sacramento State. And Duke lost to Richmond. The Blue Devils next opponent? Stanford. Probably not the Luck they were hoping for.

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While his playing status for the Colts opener is still uncertain, Peyton Manning has been told not to practice this week or do any hard workouts. In other words, pretend he’s JaMarcus Russell.

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Michele Bachmann’s campaign manager Ed Rollins quit today, along with his deputy. Rollins said that at 68 he just “doesn’t have the stamina for 12- and 14-hour days every day of the week.” Sounds better than saying he no longer has the stamina for dealing with “bat sh*t crazy.

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Despite her anti-union record Michele Bachmann is scoffing at suggestions that she has no business celebrating Labor Day. After all, as she says “I have five children, I’ve been in labor five times.”

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The Washington Redskins have announced Rex Grossman will be their opening day starter. Which means even Republicans will soon be likely to agree that President Obama is not D.C.’s most disappointing ex-Chicagoan.

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Trivia question of the night. (No fair googling the answer.) Who was the last quarterback to start for the Colts before Peyton Manning? And no, it wasn’t Johnny Unitas.
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It’s a brave new world, or something, with all the fertility treatments now available. The NY Times reported on a group of 150 children, all conceived with sperm from one donor, where some of the mothers and kids even vacation together. Previously these sort of “extended families” existed only when the father played in the NBA.

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Maryland football uniforms must be seen to be believed. Anyone remember Julie Andrews making playclothes out of drapes in “The Sound of Music.” Maybe they hired her to turn some extra state flags into jerseys.

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Lebron James has tweeted “Maryland uniforms…. Ewwwwwww” Yeah, almost as ugly as his playoff performances in the fourth quarter.

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NCAA Football -Opening weak:

September 4, 2011

Not the best weekend for the new Pac 12. Stanford, Arizona, Cal, Utah, Washington and Arizona State handled their cream puff opponents relatively easily.

But Oregon lost to LSU, Colorado lost to Hawaii, UCLA lost to Houston, and Oregon State lost to Sacramento State.

Meanwhile USC and Washington needed late interceptions to hold off Minnesota and Eastern Washington, respectively.

Maybe the reason the conference, originally the Pac 8,is considering becoming the Pac 16, is to find eight teams who can consistently win.

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And yes, that’s not a mistake, Oregon State did lose to Sacramento State. Insert Beavers joke here:

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That Oregon State loss to Sacramento State in football just might be the most embarrassing performance in orange and black seen since before the SF Giants cut Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada.

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Utah State collapsed so quickly against Auburn today you have to wonder if the same booster who bought Cam Newton bought off their defense.

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Meanwhile, Cam Newton has been announced as the starting QB for the Panthers’ opener next Sunday against Arizona. No word on how much of a bonus Carolina paid his father.

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After there close call today against Utah State, Auburn is trying to reschedule next year’s season opener. They hope the University of Phoenix is available.

Meanwhile on Friday night, Baylor 50, TCU 48. Think somewhere at BCS headquarters an executive just gleefully made an big X on their 2011 potential problems list?

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Dick Cheney appeared Friday night on the Tonight Show dressed as Darth Vader. This prompted an immediate demand for an apology – from Darth Vader.

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Michele Bachmann now says her “God sending the hurricane as a message” comments were a “joke.” So where’s her joke on God sending that 6.8 earthquake in Alaska as a message for Sarah Palin to shut up?

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Sarah Palin said today in a speech that America was in a “systemic crisis.” Wonder which of her staff wrote “systemic” on her palm?”

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Despite speculation that she would finally announce her decision Saturday, Sarah Palin says she is still deciding whether to enter the Presidential race. Although if she does run, Palin’s alreay picked out her campaign manager – Brett Favre.

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Notre Dame’s stadium had to be evacuated twice during their game against USF due to nearby lightning strikes. The game, was however, finally completed – six hours after play initially started, with USF winning 23 to 20. Still, some would say God did all He could to avoid a Fighting Irish loss.

The original A T & T was broken up as the result of an antitrust suit in 1983. Since then Southwestern Bell, one of the seven new companies, has been buying companies, including Pac Bell and their original parent, and they are A T & T again, the 7th biggest company in the U.S. Trying to get bigger. They’re a regenerating corporate starfish.

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Call ups and kickoffs.

September 3, 2011

On a positive note for Northern California sports fans, Stanford’s football team kicks off their season today against San Jose State. And considering the way the 49ers and Raiders are playing in the pre-season, the Cardinal just might be the best team in the Bay Area.

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Meanwhile up in Eugene: QB Jeremiah Massoli was booted in 2010 after a burglary arrest, RB LaMichael James was suspended the same year over a domestic violence charge, and now QB Cliff Harris has been suspended after he was cited for driving 118 mph (and telling a state trooper on tape “there’s no marijuana, we smoked it all.”) Isn’t it time to rename the team the Oregon Bengals?

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Boise State will be without three starters for their season opener against Georgia, pending a review of those players’ NCAA eligibility. Yep, looks like the Broncos have made it to the big time.

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George W. Bush declined to criticize Dick Cheney’s book saying simply “I’m glad members of my family are giving their version of what it was like to serve our country.” Translation – “does anyone REALLY think I’ll read the thing?

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The post office is going to come out with a Ted Williams stamp. All paper cuts from licking the stamp will presumably only come from splendid splinters.

(Or as my friend Alex Schubert says, from ice crystals.)

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Sarah Palin is planning a major speech to a Tea Party rally in Iowa, which amongts other things, will be a “sharp indictment” of President Obama. Well, of course, amongst his other failings, Obama has gone past the halfway point of his term without quitting.

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GOP Candidate Ron Paul is lagging in the polls. Friday in New Hampshire he invited staffers and reporters to join him on a bike ride. During the ride, 76 year old congressman wore shorts. Please, no one give this idea to Newt Gingrich.

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For some time now, savvy travelers from the U.S. to Canada have known they could check a bag for free by booking the identical flight as Air Canada instead of their code-share partner United. Today the two carriers streamlined their policies – Air Canada will start charging too. Yeah,corporations are people. Greedy people.

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Derek Holland of the Texas Rangers has been averaging more than 7 runs of support a game when he has taken the mound in 2011. That background sound you hear is SF Giants pitchers quietly sobbing.

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Actually, the Giants, in their first game of September with the expanded rosters, actually scored some runs and beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 6-2.

Bringing up the question, why didn’t manager Bruce Bochy take a page from “50 First Dates” and set the clubhouse calendar to Sept 1 weeks ago?

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The NCAA punished UConn’s mens basketball team for rules violations and poor academic performance with a loss of scholarships. But now that star recruit Andre Drummond has at the last minute decided to skip prep school and join the Huskies, another player gave up his scholarship for him. Well, at least Drummond will only need the scholarship for a year.

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Here’s a potential solution to the “One and Done” issue in College Basketball. (A variation on the baseball model which says that college players must stay three years.) A school can give a scholarship to any star, even one they don’t think will stay. But that scholarship can’t be used again for three years, whether he leaves for the NBA or not.

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Former OSU coach Jim Tressel was just hired by the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day consultant to help determine when the team should challenge plays. Wonder if the Colts will pay him in memorabilia and tattoos?

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My friend Mark Brickman said of the current Congress: “They wouldn’t save their own mother if it somehow benefited the President.” Well, I think actually they might. But they would blame whatever put her life in danger on Obama.

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Back to being schooled.

September 2, 2011

Hard to believe (in the U.S) it’s almost time for the first regular season professional football game of the year. And after LSU-Oregon Saturday night, the Saints-Packers kick off next Thursday.

Wisconsin 51, UNLV 17. Many fans who tuned into this opening night college football game were unaware UNLV had a D1 team. And after tonight, they’re still not sure.

Oxymoron containing sentence of the day: Sarah Palin is traveling to South Korea to speak at the “World Knowledge Forum” (Isn’t this like John Edwards speaking at a Marriage Forum?)

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Ohio State is struggling to regain their reputation after the football benefits scandal. But the university reported today that three more players received impermissible benefits of $300 or less this year. AFTER the suspensions and Tressel’s firing. Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation of being stupid.

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San Jose police are looking for people who grabbed bags of marijuana that spilled onto the road from a truck that crashed in south San Jose last night. Apparently the driver fled the crash, and bystanders grabbed all but a few bags. Have the police tried stakeouts in front of local shelves stocked with Doritos?

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Much controversy out there about Chaz Bono, as a transgender man, being on “Dancing With the Stars.” Because some believe it condones unacceptable behavior. Well, yeah, it’s a slippery slope. Next thing you know the show will be glorifying young women who have children out of wedlock.

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But really, all this controversy about Chaz Bono, and openly gay contestant Carson Kressley. Do these guys really offend both straight men who watch the show?

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Sarah Palin professes to be very excited about her first trip next month to South Korea. Apparently one of her favorite songs the one she knows as the Korean version of “Hail to the Chief” – “Seoul Man.”

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And the playground antics continue. President Obama changed the date of his planned jobs speech after Republicans complained that it conflicted with a planned GOP primary debate. A lot of commotion on behalf of Americans who wanted to hear the speech and see the the debate too. All three of them.

No one likes wasting money, so I understand why many in the GOP are upset by the failure of solar energy company, Solyndra, after a $535 million loan guarantee by the Energy Department. Of course, I would understand it more if those same Republicans had been complaining over the $1 trillion plus wasted on the Iraq war.

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from T.C. A human foot wearing a running shoe washed ashore in Vancouver this week. This is the 11th incident in BC since 2007. Photos are being sent to Rex Ryan for identification.

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College openers – are you ready for some semi-pro football?

September 1, 2011

Although the schools are rivals, Florida State coach is wishing Miami coach Jimbo Fisher “nothing but the best” in dealing with their current scandal. Makes sense, if the Hurricanes get away with it, or find and exploit a loophole to minimize their punishment, the Seminoles can use the case in future as precedent.

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At this point despite overwhelming allegations of illegal benefits given to players, so far the NCAA is only slapping Miami on the wrist. And Pete Carroll is thinking, “Had they only come to this mindset sooner, I could have stayed at USC for a few more years.”

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So now the Big 12 has 9 teams and the Big 10 has 12. And we wonder why college football players aren’t good at math.

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Somehow I think I missed the page in the official MLB rulebook where it states all Yankees-Red Sox games MUST go at least four hours. Even Joe Biden says “these teams go on FOREVER.”

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And regarding those increasingly long Red Sox-Yankees matchups, we need to remember, with commercials and other television requirements, playoff games take even longer.

Should the two teams meet in the ALCS, well suffice it to say the game time might be longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

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Stephen Strasburg will return to the Nationals to start on Sept. 6. Washington was considering giving him one more rehab start in the minors, and then figured “We’re playing the Dodgers. Same difference.”

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San Francisco designated Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada for assignment. Which means both players will contribute about as much in September for the Giants as they have all year.

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After the SF Giants released two pieces of deadwood (Tejada and Rowand) Wednesday morning, they hit two home runs in that afternoon’s game. Can they release a few more and get more homers?

Inspired by a comment from my friend Neil Berliner: Deja vu all over again. This time it’s an iPhone 5 but once again an Apple employee has lost a prototype device in a bar. Unbelievable. Who’d a thunk two Apple employees knew where to find a bar? (Yeah, I know, there’s an app for that.

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I’m still not getting this. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has talked in the past of seceding from the Union. And Perry still believes in states rights, and says he is only running for President because God wants him to. But considering the God the Governor believes in, why didn’t HE tell Rick to secede and run for President of Texas?

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In honor of the U.S. Open and to use more positive terminology, the SF Giants have asked announcers not to say in future that the team is being shutout. Instead they should refer to the score as, for example 2 – love. (Or in Monday night’s case “7 – love.)

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Condoleeza Rice is the latest to dispute Dick Cheney’s memoir. Rice is denying that she “tearfully admitted” that Cheney was right in saying W. shouldn’t have apologized for claiming that Iraq was searching for uranium for nuclear arms. Well, the claim was pretty unbelievable anyway. Not that Condi cried, but that she would have said anyone else was right about anything.

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Cowboy down

November 9, 2010

The Dallas Cowboys have fired Wade Phillips. No word on Phillips’ next career move but for now he and the rats leaving with him just plan to swim home.

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The Texas Rangers won only one game in five against the San Francisco Giants.  That’s still a better winning percentage than the Dallas Cowboys.

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Jerry Jones has now turned to Jason Garrett in his quest to find a coach who can lead Dallas to the Super Bowl. With all due respect, the way the Cowboys have been playing, it would be a stretch to find a coach who could take the team to a BCS bowl.

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The Dallas Cowboys are 1-7, the University of Texas Longhorns are 4-5. Okay, who’d a thunk the state’s football reputation might rest on the shoulders of the TCU Horned Frogs?

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A Florida woman and her boyfriend have been jailed and charged with trying to sell the woman’s 8-week-old grandson for $30,000. What kind of monster would try to sell a baby. Now a teenager….okay, that would make sense.

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Senator Jim Demint said “The Tea Party is responsible for just about every Republican elected around the country.” As well as the election of more than a few Democrats.

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Stanford is #6 in the BCS standings and the Raiders are actually in the playoff hunt. which means as of now the 49ers are the third best football team in the Bay Area.

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Tim Tebow, who has yet to throw a pass in the NFL, is writing an “inspirational memoir” at the age of 23. 23?!! Now I know what they mean about saying God has a Tim Tebow complex.

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 Tiger Woods is getting VIP treatment and a warm welcome in Thailand, where he is playing in a charity golf tournament. Makes sense -remember “The King and I?” That guy had a LOT of concubines.

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from my funny friend Neil Berliner:  The Mets have named Paul DePodesta VP in charge of Amateur Scouting. He won’t have to look far on that team to find amateurs!

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Auburn quarterback Cam Newton apparently was caught cheating at the University of Florida in 2008 before he transferred to a junior college. Newton allegedly turned in a paper written by another student, and when caught, replaced it with one purchased off the internet.  This is shocking news. Florida football players have classes that require writing papers?

A similar scandal happened a few years ago at Florida State.  Apparently one player turned in an exam book where another student had actually done all the coloring.

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Age and treachery….

November 7, 2010

 

It’s been a great week for Joe Paterno. Not only did he become the first Division 1 NCAA college football coach to win 400 games, he got to see that “nice young man” become governor of California again.

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During a press conference after his 400th coaching victory, Penn State’s Joe Paterno, 83, said “People ask me why I stuck around so long.” and gestured to the fans. Well, the fans plus the fact Paterno doesn’t remember his way home anyway.

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This morning America turned the clock back one hour. Big deal, in California’s gubernatorial election, we turned the clock back thirty years

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So after the most recent elections, California’s senators will be Barbara Boxer, who turns 70 on November 11, and Dianne Feinstein, age 77.  And governor-elect Jerry Brown is age 72. 

Or as John McCain says, “Nice young people, but in these tough times, do they have enough maturity and experience?

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Michigan 67 – Illinois 65.  Somewhere Bo Schembechler is rolling over in his grave. (for anyone who doesn’t remember Bo, he was a major practitioner of the “three-yards and a cloud of dust” offense. 20 points would have been a offensive explosion.)

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During that Michigan-Illinois game, it was 59-59 before the third overtime.  And the the ESPN announcer said that fatigue was becoming a factor, especially for the defenses. How could the defenses be tired? They hadn’t done anything.

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Silly World Series commemorative of the night.  Bradford Exchange is selling a $199.00 carousel music box featuring A T and Park, the World Series trophy, and the Giants logo.  The box plays “Take me out of the ballgame.” 

You’d think they would at least have the option of “Don’t Stop Believing.”

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It’s five days after the last game of the World Series, so we have reached the period of time in which free agents are able to negotiate with any club. Or as the Yankees call it – “shopping season.” 

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Go figure this one. After Arizona had an impressive no-huddle one minute drive to get back in the game against Stanford late in the third, the Wildcats got the ball back with about 12 minutes in the fourth quarter.

Arizona then not only then ran a slow drive with a lot of running plays to get to within 18 points,  the Wildcats didn’t go for an onside kick with nine minutes left in the game.

Maybe they thought the game had five quarters?

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From Bill Littlejohn,  after a collision during a Wisconsin high school cross-country meet between a deer and a sophomore named Sarah Glidden: “The deer was listed as a Jane Doe.’’ . .  

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For anyone who still cares about one-time ‘Bachelor’ fiancee Vienna Girardi, she hosted the Chippendales’ Ultimate Girls Night Out in Las Vegas Friday night.

And this is the woman who broke up with Jake because he was a “publicity whore?

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Opening week…

September 5, 2010

So most Division 1 football teams have made it through the first week of the season. Many of them with wins against FCS opponents

(FCS – Football Championship Subdivision – formerly known as Division 1-AA)

But really, routs against FCS teams? This is like winning a hot dog eating contest with supermodels.

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Or being the NFL team who gets to open against the Detroit Lions.

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How the mighty have fallen. Jonathan Broxton was an All-Star closer and saved the game for the National League. Since then he hasn’t saved a game since Aug 3, and has lost his closer’s job with the Dodgers. And yesterday he gave up a two-run game winning home run against the Giants.

This could be the biggest and fastest fall for a star without an Escalade being involved.

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Manny Ramirez, who got a few hits in the series when the White Sox swept the Red Sox, said his departure from Boston was “my fault,” and he would have happily rejoined his old team had they claimed on waivers.

Okay, how many Sox fans would have expected more mature behavior out of Manny than Johnny Damon.

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from Nick Coombs: Matt Leinart was released from the Arizona Cardinals yesterday. Fortunately he still has a lot of money saved from when he played for USC.
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JetBlue apparently has fired Steven Slater, the flight attendant who became famous for his emergency chute beer-carrying exit. Makes sense, the only employees who can behave that badly in public and still keep their jobs are elected officials and professional athletes.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman stated “I have been a full-time candidate for well over 20 months. I’m battle tested now.” Uh, Meg, anybody warn you about little things like a budget and a legislature?

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Mark Hurd, former CEO of HP, is reportedly in talks to join Oracle. Makes sense, at Oracle being involved in a public sex case is practically an executive requirement.

(Larry Ellison has been linked to several office “romances” and at least one lawsuit, Oracle president Charles Phillips had his ex-mistress put a picture of the two together on a billboard in Times Square.)

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Fear of failure?

August 8, 2010

Jerry Rice said at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony that “the fear of failure is the engine that has driven me throughout my entire life.” Because he just couldn’t live with the thought of being labeled a failure.

Well at least that we know that fear doesn’t affect anyone on the Cubs.

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Most recently it was Kate Hudson, now it’s Cameron Diaz dating Alex Rodriguez. Considering what a shallow, self-centered egotist A-Rod seems to be, how bad must male actors be to make him look like good relationship material by comparison?

(Wait, don’t answer that.)

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You think you had a bad day -how about this pitching line Friday night from losing Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell, who came in in the eighth with a 2-1 lead. 0 innings pitched, 4 hits, 4 runs, 4 earned runs. Yikes.

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One day after the above Mets debacle, where New York ended up giving in 6 runs in the eighth, Johan Santana pitched into the eighth, and Mets manager Jerry Manuel went immediately to closer Francisco Rodriguez. The Mets won 1-0.

So for at least a day, filming was put off on “CSI- New York Bullpen.”

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As Marc Ragovin said, “how dire are things getting for the Mets? Their games may soon be broadcast on the Emergency Broadcast Network.”

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Despite a dismal past tenure, ranging from poor draft picks, to an $11 million dollar sexual harrassment settlement, to a horrible record as a coach, the New York Knicks have rehired Isiah Thomas as a consultant.

Who gets rehired with that kind of record? Re-elected, maybe.

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The University of Tennessee’s football program is has now joined the list of those being investigated for major violations, mostly for incidents that happened under Lane Kiffin. Kiffin, now at USC, may set a record for coaching at the most schools put on probation before leading anyone to a bowl game.

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At the University of Kentucky, rumors are swirling that star basketball recruit Anthony Davis was paid $200,000 to commit to the Wildcats. UK denies the allegations. And since their coach, John Calipari, only had his last two teams (Memphis and U Mass) have to forfeit their wins on his watch, who could doubt them?

Actually to be fair, $200,000 does sound like an unbelievable amount. For that much money Davis probably would have gone to USC.

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Lebron James finally got around to thanking fans in Cleveland, a full month after “The Decision.” With that kind of disaster management, when he retires Lebron will surely have a job waiting for him at FEMA.
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CEO Carly Fiorina, Chairwoman Patricia Dunn, CEO Mark Hurd…. So when did HP turn into BP?

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Fed up with Franken’s facial gestures and eye-rolling, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told Al Franken “this isn’t Saturday Night Live, Al.” Of course not, some of the stuff senators say with a straight face is far funnier.

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Regarding Michelle Obama’s vacation, and the criticism she is facing from some conservatives. If she had said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Spain but decided that this year I stay close to home with Sasha because of the economy,” no doubt some would have condemned her for pessimism and putting a damper on the recovering travel industry.

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