Second season?

Posted April 16, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Actually,  many regular fans would say the playoffs, which start tomorrow, are the NBA’s only season.

Although for many teams, including California’s Warriors, Clippers, and Kings, the real second season is the lottery ball pick.

Meanwhile,  back in the land of the living;  Lebron James’s jersey is apparently the number one seller in the world.  No word on how many of those are repeat sales to buyers who found they worked well as kindling.

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The  CDC now says that last fall 21 NBA players on 13 teams apparently had the norovirus. It took the CDC so long to determine this because the outward signs, a general lethargy and lack of energy, are also symptoms of play in the NBA regular season.

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A proposed new NCAA rule will allow teams, when their opponent has a penalty in the last minute of the the half, to choose to accept the penalty AND run 10 seconds off the clock. The only potential snag – getting enough SEC players enrolled in advanced math so they can count to ten.

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And they wonder why Americans can’t count: Big Macy’s ad in the Friday paper. “One Day Sale – Shop Today and Tomorrow.”

And we wonder why mail is sometimes mis-delivered. The Post Office has a “forever” first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty. Except that the Statue of Liberty on the stamp isn’t the one in New York harbor, it’s the replica statue located at the New York New York Casino in Las Vegas. (Not making this up.)

But maybe slot machines for customers waiting in line could be an interesting way to help close the USPS’s budget deficit?

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For NHL fans, the Boston Bruins are playing the Montreal Canadiens  in the first round of the playoffs and the rivalry is getting heated.  “Boston Pizza”, a chain with  locations in Montreal, will unofficially temporarily be renamed “Montreal Pizza.”

Now, the most famous food from Montreal is smoked meat.  But for fans hoping to retaliate, unfortunately nothing is getting smoked in Boston these days except the Red Sox.

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One thing I wouldn’t mind the GOP slashing is hypocrisy. Paul Ryan, whose proposed budget would cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, had his father die when he was 16. Ryan then paid for his college eduation at Miami University (of Ohio) with Social Security survivors benefits.

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Commie pinko time again:

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will appear on an upcoming episode of “30 Rock.”  Anyone who doubts Rice’s ability to do comedy and keep a straight face clearly has not seen her performance in calmly answering questions “The United States does not torture.”.

Comments: 2 Comments

Streaking towards the weekend.

Posted April 15, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

Comments: 6 Comments

The verdict:

Posted April 14, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron’s record really thought he was clean?

My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband.

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So how long until someone tries to allege Brian Wilson’s beard is a PED – performance enhancing device?

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Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “In it to win it.”

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A T & T is sending out a new free magazine, with the caption on the front  – “See the many ways A T & T is committed to serving our Northern California customers.”

Here’s a suggestion for the phone company:  Can the magazine, save the money, and use it to upgrade your coverage.

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Okay, I’ll take Kobe Bryant at his word that he’s not a homophobe and the slur he muttered against a referee (rhymes with sucking maggot), “came strictly out of anger and shouldn’t be taken literally.” But just wonder how Byrant would have reacted had a referee “strictly out of anger” insulted him with the “n” word.

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A Washington state couple has been arrested and charged with with keeping their 6 and 7 year old children in a cage. What kind of monsters use a cage for young children? For teenagers, maybe.

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AL MVP Josh Hamilton will be out for six to eight weeks with a fracture in his arm he sustained by sliding into home plate. Well, at least this is one misfortune that is unlikely to befall the 2011 Red Sox – their players are rarely running from third to home.

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Back to Barry:  So is one of the other verdicts of the Bonds trial that chicks who dug the long ball ended up with guys with small balls?

And before we breathe a sigh of relief; while THIS trial is over, since it was a hung jury, federal prosecutors and the Justice Department will have to decide whether to retry Bonds on the unresolved counts. Uh, can we be done now?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit.His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds”

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If they do retry Barry Bonds, or when they have the  Roger Clemens trial, I have one wish: Will someone PLEASE call Bud Selig to the stand and ask him under oath about his statements that he had no idea MLB had a Performance Enhancing Drug problem?

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Ever get the sense we’re all unpaid extras in Trump’s new “reality’ show – “Who Wants to be a Presidential Candidate?”

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Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is sort of running for the GOP Presidential nomination, though he hasn’t made it official. The hang up – he’s trying to think of a better slogan than “I’m not as crazy as the rest of them.”

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Comments: 5 Comments

Stress test:

Posted April 13, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

You think you had a stressful evening?   Can you imagine sitting in a window seat on the left side of the plane on that little Delta plane that got clipped by the Air France jumbo jet?

 

In the wake of their Airbus 380 clipping a smaller plane at JFK airport, Air France has, however, changed some of their protocols. For example, Happy Hour for pilots will not begin until AFTER the plane is in the air.

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Wednesday night may be the last NBA game in Sacramento, as the team may move to Anaheim.  Although frustrated Kings fans may say they watched their last professional game a few years ago.

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Former Egyptian president Mubarak allegedly suffered a heart attack brought on by the stress of being about to be questioned by prosecutors. Some are skeptical. As opposed to no one who would be surprised if Vice President Cheney had a heart attack after the stress of today’s falling oil prices.

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Glenn Beck has apparently said he doesn’t see Sarah Palin running for president and said Palin “has done some damage to her political brand.” Interesting comment from a guy who proved himself too crazy for Fox News.

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It’s not a typo, Cleveland is in first place in the AL Central. The last time the Indians had such an unexpectedly good week, Custer was involved.

 

Meanwhile Mets fans got some good news Tuesday with no bullpen collapse against the Rockies; the game was rained out.

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A shout out to all those Giants fans who have been clamoring since spring training for Aaron Rowand to get a chance for more playing time.  The same fans presumably who had Butler and VCU in the Final Four.

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There are three California hockey teams in this year’s NHL playoffs.  Asked for a response, most Californians responded “We have hockey teams?”

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And regarding the trivia question from a couple nights ago.

 

The current largest capacity stadium in Major League Baseball is Dodger Stadium, 56,000.  (Presumably between the third and seventh innings.)

 

The smallest for years WAS Fenway Park, but its capacity has been increased to 39,928., making PNC Park in Pittsburgh the true smallest, at 38,496.

But here’s where it gets interesting/stupid.  Tropicana Field can easily hold over 42,000 during the postseason, but they only open up about 37,000 seats for most home games.   And the Oakland A’s have closed off their upper deck in recent years, selling only about 35,000 seats, although they once had a crowd of over 55,000 in 2002.  (Personally,  I think if you can adjust seating capacity as easily as removing a tarp, that being called the smallest doesn’t count.)

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Comments: 3 Comments

It’s Monday and already it’s a long week.

Posted April 12, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The World Champion San Francisco Giants have really been struggling on defense for the first ten games of the season. Maybe the team should leave their World Series rings off when they take the field?

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Latest redundancy: Struggling New York Mets bullpen.

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Poor Rory McIlroy – on the brink of his first major championship, he inexplicably just couldn’t put the ball where he wanted it. On a brighter note,   Rory has been offered an honorary degree from Butler.

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from Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying that Rory McIlroy is young, but he looks like he should be playing with Chevy Chase and Ted Knight.”

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The NFLPA has suggested that players may not want to attend the NFL draft ceremony to show solidarity with locked out veterans. Cam Newton, however, has announced he will be there. Can’t imagine how Cam got a reputation for being a selfish egoist.

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CNN says this is “breaking news.” – Mitt Romney says he formed an exploratory committee as a first step in a potential run for GOP presidential nomination. With all due respect, when has Mitt ever stopped running?

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Go figure, the Mormon is the only serious male candidate in the race who’s only had one wife.

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The Marlins look more than respectable this year, the Rays look woeful, but the real headline sports story opening week in Florida? A quarterback controversy after the Gators’ spring scrimmage in Gainesville. (That lousy attendance for both teams isn’t just their stadiums.)

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Two former University of San Diego basketball players and an assistant coach are amongst nine people who  have been indicted for allegedly taking a bribe to influence the outcome of a game against UC Riverside. What’s most shocking? People actually bet on a game between USD and UC Riverside?!

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Open question to Tea Party members: So if we are going to slash spending, which foods should the FDA and USDA stop inspecting and regulating? Meat, fruit, vegetables? All of them? Should we just put all producers and growers on the honor system?

And while we’re at it, slash the FAA inspection budget too. It’s not like planes are falling apart in the sky or running into each other on the ground…… Oops, never mind.

Comments: 3 Comments

Young and Old Masters.

Posted April 11, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Congratulations to the Giants’ Buster Posey. Not only did he receive his “2010 Rookie of the Year” award Sunday, it was announced that he and his wife are expecting twins later this year.  Guess this proves that, appearances to the contrary, Buster has reached puberty.

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Must have been fun for anyone texting about the Masters today. Since so many phones have “predictive spelling” can’t imagine how anyone managed to spell “Charl” without it turning into ‘Charlie.”

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(Tacky time)  Tiger may not have won today. But it must have been nice to hear the conversation turning back to his performance with holes on a golf course.

 

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One semi-silver lining for New York Mets fans after a really rough afternoon. Rory McIlroy’s collapse was a bigger story on Sportscenter than that of the Mets’ bullpen

Of course the difference is that most people assume McIlroy will get better.

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A new biography of Steve Jobs will be out next year. And then a few months later a pocket-sized version will be available. And then one you can attach to a keychain. ((Magnifying glass presumably included.)

 

 

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While Sarah Palin won’t directly address the “birther” issue, she said of Trump’s new focus  -“I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources in getting to the bottom of something that so interests him and many Americans.” Wonder if Palin would say the same thing if he wanted to investigate alleged ethics violations from her time as Governor of Alaska?

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One sign that Major League Baseball is in midseason form. The Fox “Game of the Week” Saturday afternoon – Yankees-Red Sox. The Sunday night “Game of the Week” on ESPN – Yankees-Red Sox. (Note to Bud Selig – maybe viewership might be higher during the post-season if most of America had actually seen any but their local teams and the Yankees-Red Sox during the season

(As my friend Scott Brady points out, for variation there is always Red Sox-Yankees.)

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Regarding Manny being Manny, and his retiring rather than face a 100 game suspension for a second failed drug test:  Is the penalty doubled for the second positive test as a stiffer punishment?  Or as an additional penalty for stupidity?

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Opening week trivia question – which Major League Baseball park holds the most fans?  (No fair Googling it.)  And which holds the least?  It used to be Fenway, but there is now one that is  smaller.  (And there are three parks where they close off some of the seats until and unless the team gets to the postseason, but I’m not counting those.)

Comments: 6 Comments

The ring’s the thing.

Posted April 10, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

So on a night that the SF Giants get their rings, Barry Bonds, tainted by allegations of cheating, is conspicuously absent.   But the Giants give a ring to Hall of Famer Gaylord Perry.

 

A little more irony on a Bonds-free celebration night at A T and T park. The game winning hit came from Miguel Tejada. Who in 2009 pled guilty in federal court to lying to  Congress about his knowledge of other players using steroids. (And admitted using them himself.)

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The San Jose Sharks have wrapped up the number two seed  in the playoffs.  Of course, with the team’s playoff history isn’t this like having a first class berth on the Titanic.

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After three rounds in the Masters, no American is higher than eighth place. (Bo Van Pelt.)   It’s not just that golf no longer has Tiger Woods as a superstar, but the game is turning into soccer.

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Yes, it’s still early, but these are tough times for baseball fans in Boston. Even Cubs fans are sending sympathy notes.

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Tiger Woods has had problems with a number of short putts today at the Masters. Which seems particularly strange to long-time Tiger watchers. It’s never been a problem for Woods putting it into a lot of holes.

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An Alaska Airlines flight bound for Hawaii turned around and landed safely in Sacramento when a bird struck an engine. Beginning to wonder how long it will be until PETA comes out against air travel as being dangerous for birds.

 

Glad that a government shutdown was avoided. But in that list of “non-essential employees,” how did they not include Congress?

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While Liberals are generally not thrilled with the budget compromises, Tea Party members are so annoyed with Speaker of the House John Boehner, who they believe sold out their principles, that they are talking about a primary challenger for him.

Somewhere,  Nancy Pelosi must be giggling.

Comments: 2 Comments

Giants baseball – a violation of the Geneva convention?

Posted April 9, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Okay, Giants’ fans expected torture.   But couldn’t we have waited until at least the second home game of the season?

 

(It wasn’t just Brian Wilson’s two-out, two strike blown safe.  Like for example 17 men left in on base, and without two double plays and a caught stealing, it would have been 20.

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Due to a rain delay in San Diego, at midnight Pacific time, the Dodgers-Padres Friday night game is tied 2-2 going to the top of the the 7th.  Which has to have caused some really confusing situations – some visiting Dodger fans fans may have arrived for the beginning of the game, and left after the third inning.

 

The media reports are  that Manny Ramirez is retiring just because he got a second positive drug test that would have resulted in a 100 game suspension. Manny’s response -” Please, I prefer to think of it as an extended maternity leave.”

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Actually Ramirez’s short term Tampa Bay Rays teammates bear him no ill-will. The team plans to throw him a combination farewell party and baby shower.

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And on the field, Tampa Bay rallied with a five run ninth, to win their first game of the season, 9-7 over the Chicago White Sox.   Wow, you’d think a really heavy and big weight had been lifted out of their clubhouse.

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And as an aside. Manny was hitting .059 (one for 17 )for the season at the time of his retirement. So much for the efficacy of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

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Okay, here’s a thought to avoid potential shutdown dramas. Tie Congress’s salaries to getting a budget done on time, 30 days before the deadline. For every day they miss that goal, their salaries are docked about 3 percent, down to almost nothing as they approach the last minute. Just might motivate some of these ideologues.

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Either that or make it like American Idol.  For every day after a certain deadline that Congress doesn’t get a budget done, America gets to vote and one congressperson gets sent home each day.

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Former Arkansas governor, Mike Huckabee,  a devout Christian who is staunchy  pro-life/anti choice,  said Friday Republicans should abandon their crusades against National Public Radio and Planned Parenthood, and get a budget passed. You know it’s a strange time when the guy who believes humans coexisted with dinosaurs was the voice of reason for the Republican party.

 

 

Earlier Friday the Republicans and Democrats had agreed on everything to avert a shutdown except whether or not to give $300 million for Planned Parenthood. Now, personally, I’m pretty adverse to giving BILLIONS to Halliburton in no-bid contracts, but wouldn’t want to shut down the government over it.

 

Comments: 1 Comment

Loserville:

Posted April 8, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The Cubs have started 3-3. But at Wrigley Field the attendance on Monday was 26,292, the lowest since 2002. Normally there aren’t so many empty seats at Wrigley until the whole place is empty in October.

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Natalie Portman said in an interview “I’m too old to be a stoner.”
“Speak for yourself, honey,” responded Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy three times, now he’s so concerned about President Obama’s birth that he says he’s sent a team of investigators to Hawaii “in hopes of getting to the bottom of the issue.” And this is the man who hopes to convince Americans he should be the one to oversee government spending?

Regarding “The Donald’s” potential presidential bid, Bill Cosby told Meredith Vieira on the “Today” show that Trump should “run or shut up.” Some of us wish he would do both.

 

The 2011 Boston Red Sox payroll is over $161 million, and the team is 0-6. With that kind of pay to performance ratio the Sox should be the official team of the U.S. Congress.

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The trip to Italy for the cast of Jersey Shore has been postponed. Many things apparently have to be negotiated first. Including America’s non-aggression pact with Italy.

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For those who wonder, how could Lebron James have grown up so clueless and self-absorbed,  here’s a story: Lebron’s mother was arrested by Miami Beach police after she reportedly assaulted a valet because it was taking too long to have her car delivered.

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Bill Littlejohn, with a variation on the above  incident.   LeBron James has become a minority owner of Liverpoll FC..  Scotland Yard had this reaction:  “Soccer hooligans, we can handle. Just tell him to please don’t bring his mother.”

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President Obama said Wednesday night there was “no reason” not to come to a deal and avoid a budget shutdown. Alas, when in recent memory has reason had anything to do with it?

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Once again, how can you write a punchline? And how can you make stuff like this up? Fox News hose Bill O’Reilly, talking about potential budgets cuts for “non-vital” programs: “Nodody’s life is affected by NPR. Nobody’s life is affected by Planned Parenthood. These are options.”  (Yes, he said this.)

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Augie’s comment about Ann Coulter coming to San Francisco.  Wonder if she’ll be speaking  at the
Y-M-C-A.?   I hear there’s a run on the Village People costumes. “

Comments: 2 Comments

Slow starts.

Posted April 7, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Not to say that they’re panicking in Boston yet.  But the Globe is considering putting Red Sox box scores in the obituary section.

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According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Ann Coulter is coming to the city this August for a fundraiser for a Young Republicans group. Makes sense, San Francisco has always been hospitable to female impersonators.

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The Tampa Bay Rays are now 0-5. In four of those losses, the team had exactly one run and four hits. In fact, the Rays are having such a hard time scoring they got a sympathy card from the Butler Bulldogs.

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Manny Ramirez says of being booed already by Rays fans “It’s all good. I liked it.” If that’s true Manny is going to have a very happy year in Tampa Bay.

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Congress is considering a law, sponsored by Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz,that would make it tougher for small wineries to sell by mail to out-of-state clients. So GOP proponents who want government out of our lives are now making an exception for our wine cellars as well as our bedrooms.

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For anyone who watched the NCAA men’s basketball tournament and thought. “the quality of play really sucks”, here’s a scary stat. There are 60 players on NBA rosters with college eligibility remaining. (And that doesn’t count D-leagues, teams in Europe, or kids who have already washed out after leaving school early.)

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Marc Ragovin said it was “the ugliest final since Snooki took calculus.”

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For fans of bad basketball, along with anyone who hasn’t gotten over VCU being included in the NCAA tournament, I give you – the Indiana Pacers. 35-43, and close to clinching a playoff spot.

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Not saying Tiger Woods isn’t really ready for the Masters Championship.  But last weekend he was seen practicing with the Butler Bulldogs.

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One of Bristol Palin’s entourage says that $262,500 she made just as a teen-pregnancy education ambassador for the Candies Foundation is “not out of the ordinary for a celebrity.” Fair enough, but just what qualifies Bristol as a celebrity other than her role in a real life version of “Knocked Up?”

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The new Pac 12 (the Pac 10 plus Utah and Colorado), is looking to sign a television contract for $220 million. Can’t imagine how these student-athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

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If we DO have a government shutdown, let’s sure hope we don’t have any earthquakes while it happens. Just for the record, USGS employees would not only be furloughed, they would be forbidden from working without pay during a shutdown. Or even from talking to the media. But we could never have a major quake here in the U.S., right?

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Comments: 5 Comments

Bad games and bad guys.

Posted April 6, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will insist their next labor deal includes testing for HGH. Well, why not? Their  steroid testing is going so well…

Sigh. At least now a player can’t go to the Pro Bowl in the same year as they get a steroid suspension.

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Brought to my attention by my friend Richard Kronish. Rutgers is paying Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison $30,000 to give their commencement speech. The Rutgers student organization paid $32,000 for “Snooki” to speak last week.

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Prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury trial failed in their bid to get a “recently discovered” audio tape of a alleged conversation between two key witnesses heard by the jury.

Leaving aside guilt or innocence, (and yes, I think Bonds knew what he was taking) I don’t think Judge Ito would have allowed a “recently discovered” tape, even of a confession, heard by the jury in the last days of the O.J. trial.

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“One and done” is the term fans use to describe the phenomenon of basketball players going to college and then leaving for the NBA one year later. “One and done” also describes the reaction of any fan of other sports who tuned in last night to watch their first NCAA men’s basketball final.

 

Not to say last night’s NCAA men’s basketball final was bad. But James Naismith is reportedly spinning in his grave.

 

There is some talk that due to recruitment violations, UConn may have to eventually give up their national championship. The game was so ugly, Coach Jim Calhoun is thinking of telling the NCAA – “Just take it, we don’t want the darn thing anyway.”

 

Regarding the NCAA’ women’s championship

As a Stanford fan it was fun to watch Notre Dame lose. But have to figure the Cardinal women’s team watched tonight and realized that yes, they did let a great chance for a national championship slip away.

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And watching some of the game, you had to figure either Texas A & M or Notre Dame would have matched up well with Butler or UConn.

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Kirstie Alley and her “Dancing with the Stars” partner took a tumble during the show tonight. Wonder what it registered on the Richter scale?

 

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Well, at least he’s consistent. Newt Gingrich called for the impeachment of Bill Clinton while he was cheating on his own wife. Now Newt is complaining that President Obama is trying to “extort contributions” by announcing his reelection bid so early. Gingrich raised about $15 million himself last year….

Comments: 2 Comments

53 to 41.

Posted April 5, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Connecticut may be getting the congratulatory phone call from President Obama.   But the way Butler was shooting, they should be getting a call from Dick Cheney.

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Butler’s performance might have been the worst ever in a national championship game. Fortunately, UConn’s was only the second worst.

Good thing this final NCAA game started at about 930p Eastern time; impressionable children should not be have been watching.

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This could have been the first NCAA men’s basketball championship decided by penalty kicks.

 

In fact, at some points things got so bad sports fans were watching recorded World Cup highlights, just to see some scoring.

 

 

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After this game,  Butler coach Brad Stevens had to be thinking “I need a stiff drink.”    Too bad he’s not old enough to legally buy one.

Stanford women have to wish they played UConn or Butler men instead of Texas A & M last night…

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How bad was the show?  Kept expecting to watch James Franco take over the announcing.

Hard to believe after about a month of excitement and drama, that after tonight’s  UConn-Butler game, men’s college basketball will be done until next fall. But fans of amateur talent will still have the Cavaliers and the Wizards.

From Michael Duca,  “My son points out something the California Golden Bears can be proud of: they were one of only two football teams to hold the University of Oregon to fewer points than Butler scored tonight!”

Coach Shaka Smart has turned down a job offer from N.C. State and signed an eight-year contract to stay with the Rams. Well, if nothing else, based on results, VCU has a better basketball program..

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Back to baseball:    The  Baltimore Orioles are 4-0? So for right now that’s “O”s as in “OMG.

Well, maybe they’re not quite as up-to-the-minute as they think: Just heard this driving home on the radio – “Stay tuned to KNBR for all the latest Giants’ news from spring training.”

Some comments don’t even need a punchline. According to CNN, the owner of the Gulf of Mexico oil rig that exploded last year, killing 11 workers and leading to what has been called the worst oil spill ever, said Monday that calling 2010 its “best year” in safety “may have been insensitive.”

Comments: 7 Comments

Finally getting to the finals:

Posted April 4, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Stanford women picked a bad game to start shooting free throws like men.

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And who had the UConn men in the finals, and the UConn women watching at home?

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Rough time to be an ESPN executive with women’s basketball, all the hype (and already canned segments) about a Stanford-UConn rematch, and the network ends up with Texas A & M-Notre Dame?

And changing over to baseball:-

Okay,  Giants fans, it’s too soon to panic.  But maybe Aubrey Huff needs a fielding thong.

Although for anyone reading too much into MLB’s first weekend, let’s see-  the Royals are in first place, and one of the only undefeated teams left in baseball are the Baltimore Orioles?

Oh yeah,  and the Red Sox are winless.

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The Yankees are now claiming that injured lefthanded reliever Pedro Feliciano was “abused” by the Mets during the four years he pitched for them.  Not true, responded the Mets, the only people we abuse are our fans.

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Meanwhile, the third member of the Oakland Raiders was arrested this off-season.  So lockout or no lockout the team is clearly in midseason form.

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And the most recent arrest of  Raiders wide receiver  Louis Murphy, was for illegal possession of a drug without a prescription, and the drug was Viagra.  Think when the team actually gets back in the locker room he may hear one or two jokes about “performance enhancing drugs?”

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New Southwest slogan:  “Flying that’s all it’s cracked up to be?”

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“Hop”  was the clear box office winner this weekend.  It might be the highest grossing bunny movie of all time, at least without Hugh Hefner involved.

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A 74 year old in San Diego stabbed his neighbor because he said the neighbor’s dogs were harrassing his kittens. Well, I suppose it’s a twisted sign of gender equality. Now we have a crazy cat man.

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Apparently  the reviews were terrible for Charlie Sheen’s first two “Torpedo of Truth,” shows, with many people simply walking out.  But maybe fans who bought tickets should have figured this – after all, a torpedo really is a kind of bomb.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Well,  Jalen Rose, who had already been called on the carpet for his rants against Duke, has been pulled from ESPN after a DUI arrest.  Looks like Rose has gone from the ‘Fab Five’ to ‘Two and a half men.'”


Comments: 2 Comments

Then there were two:

Posted April 3, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Monday night – Butler Bulldogs vs. Connecticut Huskies for the National Championship. Well, whichever side they choose, all sports fans can at least say they have a dog in this fight.

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Marc Ragovin’s take on the game “Huskies vs. Bulldogs, or as Michael Vick calls it, ‘winning.'”

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Headline basketball fans thought we’d never see: “Butler ends (anyone’s) Cinderella run.”

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After that 56-55 UConn – Kentucky game, a game punctuated by long scoring droughts on both sides,  looking forward to watching the women’s games tomorrow to see some teams who can actually shoot.

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Brad Stevens of Butler is unquestionably a great coach. But he looks like a grad student dressed up to interview as a math professor.

And even Buster Posey of the SF Giants says, “Stevens looks like he’s about 12.”

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Glenn Beck says Donald Trump is making him “uncomfortable” with some of the extreme things he is saying about President Obama. Isn’t being called too extreme by Glenn Beck like being called a “sleazeball” by John Edwards?

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A Florida man who said he was “tired of walking,” was arrested and charged with grand theft auto and marijuana possession. He was caught driving a Krispy Kreme truck with 388 boxes of doughnuts. The man denied the marijuana was his, but apparently the truck had started out with 500 boxes of doughnuts.

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No one was hurt in the incident where a Southwest flight made an emergency landing with a hole in the fuselage. But airline executives have thought better of running a commercial saying “Unlike our competitors, we don’t charge extra for an upgrade to a convertible.”

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The remains of two woolly mammoths have been found in a farm near Castroville. It’s an amazing discovery – the animals may date all the way back to the first Jerry Brown administration.

Jesse Ventura said Sarah Palin would be a good candidate for the GOP because she would “do what she was told,” and be “controlled by the status quo”.

Now, I’m not a particular Palin fan, but when i think of adjectives, “controllable” is not the first that comes to mind.

Comments: 3 Comments

After opening day.

Posted April 2, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Wonder if it’s a sign that Opening Day at Wrigley was April Fool’s Day.  Of course the real jokes is played every fall, when Cubs fans are told “Wait Until Next Year.”

Belated April Fool’s kudos to whoever drew up a Final Four bracket showing Butler and VCU in it. But maybe they should try to be a little more realistic next time?

The Chicago White Sox had a 14-0 lead, and hung on to beat the Indians 15-10 after Cleveland scored 10 runs in the last four innings. Happiest man in minor league baseball? The last relief pitcher cut by the White Sox out of spring training.

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Robert Redford actually threw out the first pitch at Wrigley. What many people don’t know is that Redford actually went to the University of Colorado in 1955 on a baseball scholarship. Wonder if he ever pitched against Jamie Moyer?

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Opening Day at Wrigley Field was yesterday! Wonder who threw out the first white flag?

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Nate Miles, the player whose recruitment helped get UConn on probation early this year, says now that coach Jim Calhoun knew about the improper benefits. With the Huskies playing Kentucky and John Calipari today, this could be a matchup between a coach who has had two teams who have vacated Final Fours and one who is about to have his first.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, as part of a broader package to reduce costs of Medicaid in Arizona, is proposing an annual $50 charge for patients who are obese. Which means her state may be the first where it’s easier to buy a gun than a Big Mac.

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Meghan McCain is unhappy about the upcoming movie “Game Change,” saying it will embarrass her family, especially her father.  Hard to think the movie could do a better job of that than John McCain did himself by picking Sarah Palin.

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Wizards’ rookie star John Wall will serve a one-game suspension for fighting tonight when Washington takes on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Kind of the basketball equivalent of OSU football coach Jim Tressell being suspended against Temple and Akron.

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T.C. comment on managers’ choosing their opening day pitchers.  I had the huge decision myself, “Coors, Bud Light, Michelob…

Comments: 1 Comment

Changing seasons:

Posted April 1, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Forget  all this equinox stuff, TODAY is the first real day of Spring. Play Ball!

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As the first pitch was thrown on Opening Day, thousands and thousands of fans were still filing into Dodger Stadium. Good to see Los Angeles fans are in mid-season form.

Orel Hershiser said during the ESPN Opening Night game that the SF Giants haven’t faced a batting practice pitcher like Kershaw. With all due respect, anyone in the Giants organization who throws like Clayton Kershaw (lefty, mid-nineties with control) won’t be throwing batting practice.

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Another discussion topic on Opening night was whether or not the Dodgers are committed to winning.  Well, Frank and Jamie McCourt are certainly committed to winning, the problem is, it’s in their divorce case against each other.

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The missing cobra from the Bronx Zoo was caught alive today. I see a made-for-television movie in our future – a combination of “Escape from New York” and “Snakes on a Plane.”

(the Cobra was located in an out of the way corner of the Reptile House.  As my friend Alex Kaseberg says, “Even cobras know it’s not safe to go outside in the Bronx.)

John Mellencamp and Stephen King are collaborating on a new musical. Let me guess, it’s not going to be produced by Disney.

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Chad Pennington (torn ACL) has now joined Zack Grienke (cracked rib) on the list of athletes who have injured themselves playing pickup basketball. Why can’t these guys follow the NBA players’ regular season regimen?:   Just don’t play that hard.

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Barry Zito’s car was broadsided by a red-light runner in Los Angeles last night. Fortunately the Giants pitcher was not seriously injured although his car was severely damaged. SF fans are hoping that’s the hardest Zito gets hit all year.  (assist to T.C.)

So the movie industry can take a perfectly lovely movie like “The King’s Speech,” and turn it into a PG13 film by cutting some off-colour language. Then why can’t they take some other top-rated films and re-release them as PG13 by cutting out some graphic and bloody violence?

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And they can’t even blame it on the butterfly ballot. A Florida PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows that in a hypothetical rematch, after only 2 months, Governor Rick Scott would lose to his Democratic opponent Alex Sink, 56 to 37 percent, with 16 percent of voters switching sides, INCLUDING 21 percent of Republicans.  Is there something in the water?  

(Too bad the governorship isn’t like Target, with a 90 day return policy with receipt.)

Comments: 2 Comments

Money, money, money…

Posted March 31, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

For all those Colorado fans who thought their team should have been picked over VCU for the NCAA tournament – how’s that loss last night to Alabama in the NIT semifinals feeling?

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For anyone sick of the tawdry Bonds trial, here’s a story from the warm fuzzy world of college football – The AP reported that 4 former Auburn players have told HBO’s “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” they received thousands of dollars while being recruited by or playing for the Tigers.

One player said he used to get sacks of money after games with $300-400 in them.   Some former USC Trojans sniffed “Well, everything costs less in Alabama.”

When questioned about taking a pay cut to reduce the deficit, Wisconsin GOP Congressman Sean Duffy, who makes $174,000, plus benefits, said “I guarantee most of you, I have more debt than all of you. With six kids, I still pay off my student loans. I still pay my mortgage. I drive a used minivan.” Hmm, maybe Republicans shouldn’t have been so quick to vote to defund Planned Parenthood?”

PETA now wants the part of San Francisco known as the “Tenderloin” to be known as the “Tempeh” district. PETA’s executive VP wrote that “the city deserves a neighborhood named after a delicious cruelty-free food instead of the flesh of an abused animal.” I guess next the singles bars in the area will be known as “Tofu markets?

BCS Executive Director Bill Hanock is talking about kicking the Fiesta Bowl out of the system after the bowl admitted to “excessive compensation, nonbusiness and inappropriate expenditures and inappropriate gifts” Hancock said that the BCS “will not be associated with this kind of behavior.” And really, the Fiesta Bowl should have known better.  The BCS has always been completely against “inappropriate behavior”, unless it involves SEC and Big 10 teams.  (And maybe  USC.)

Sarah Palin referred to the military attack in Libya as a “squirmish.” If we’re going to be making up words I would say “squirmish” is what intelligent Republicans get every time Sarah Palin opens her mouth.

And not to whine, but, the Tonight Show has no women freelancers,  and says they don’t need more freelancers.  But they do seem to regularly come up with “great minds” jokes a day or two after I post on my blog.  Probably just a coincidence….

Here’s my joke from March 29:

Whole Foods has opened small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

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Here’s Jay Leno’s joke on March 30:

The organic grocery store Whole Foods is putting beer and wine bars in some of their stores. The goal is to get you so drunk you won’t notice the prices.

Comments: 3 Comments

Eliminations.

Posted March 30, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Stanford women heading to the Final Four in Indianapolis.  Along now  with Texas A & M, Connecticut and Notre Dame.  Shocking results compared to the mens’ bracket.   Two number one seats, and two number twos.  And not an arrest or academic suspension between them.

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The smuggest person in America today? Whoever it was on the NCAA selection committee who lobbied to have VCU included for one of those play-in spots.

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Meanwhile, up in Canada, the government is auctioning off ladies thongs. (Apparently a lot of stolen property recovered from an Ottawa lingerie shop after insurance had already paid off the owners.) 

Hey, it worked for the San Francisco Giants, maybe the Blue Jays should put in a bid.

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The Fiesta Bowl fired their longtime CEO John Junker today. An internal report found all sorts of financial irregularities, and “an apparent scheme” to reimburse employees for political contributions plus “an apparent conspiracy” to cover it up. A BCS executive is less than straightforward and honorable? I’m shocked, shocked.

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Cleveland Cavaliers 102, Miami Heat 90. This might be the most embarrassing sports story of the day not involving shrunken testicles.

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Jalen Rose has been arrested for an alleged DUI in Michigan. Which means the former Fab Five star may now wish he hadn’t gone out of his way, especially if he wants a black lawyer, to have alienated anyone who was educated at Duke and other “elite” colleges..

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Radio host Mike Catherwood is the first celebrity voted off the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”   Which provoked a surprised response from most Americans:  – “Who the heck is Mike Catherwood?”

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Abercrombie and Fitch has apparently been trying to sell a padded bra for seven-year old girls. I hate to think what padded thing they are thinking of for seven-year old boys.

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Apparently California Republicans are worried about a measure that would move the state’s presidential primary from February to June. It’s partly that they think the race would be over by then, and partly because even our GOP can’t stand the thought of listening to some of these loonies for four more months.

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Sarah Palin says “Gaddafi’s gotta go, killing or capturing,” because he’s going to attack the U.S. 

Sarah, Sarah…. Gaddafi can’t even see the U.S. from his house.

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Okay, I concede that almost everyone connected with the Bonds trial (including Barry) is sleazy. But I really wish they would call Bud Selig to the stands and ask him under oath what he thought was going on with all those suddenly amazing home run hitters?

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Rick Santorum now says the Social Security system would be in much better shape if there were fewer abortions, because then we would have more people alive to work and pay into the system. Right. Stand by for his next speech when Santorum discovers the concept of welfare.

Comments: 1 Comment

Final six.

Posted March 29, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

The Stanford women’s basketball team was shooting over 60 percent from the floor night late into the second half, and ended up with a .574 shooting percentage. If you were watching boys, this is how it’s done.

And the Stanford women turned out to be the very first #1 ranked team in their bracket, for men or women, to advance to the NCAA basketball final four.

But really this has  been a weird year. The last time things turned out so bizarrely for seeds, a beanstalk and giant were involved.

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Barry Bonds’ trial is getting tawdrier and tawdrier, now with testimony from his ex-mistress about Bonds’ sexual performance, and the changing shape of his “privates.” And we thought the Clinton impeachment trial with thongs and cigars was TMI.

Bonds’ defense team’s tried to discredit his former girlfriend’s testimony by asking how, if he was suffering from E.D., he could have these other mistresses she complained about?. And to think it was not that long ago that parents just worried about keeping their young sports fans away from the SI swimsuit issue.

Unfortunate timing for sportswriters and editors that the Bonds trial is going on at the same time that these “small ball” teams are in the NCAA Final Four.

The New York Knicks won their first game after six losses and are now 8-12 since they traded for Carmelo Anthony.   At this point the team’s motto has to be  “Thank heaven for the Miami Heat.”

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Carmelo Anthony said after the overtime win “We had the will to win.”   Knicks season ticketholders have to be thinking… okay and the rest of the season?

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Whole Foods has opened a dozen small bars, focused on local beer and wine, inside a dozen of their stores, and plans to open more. I guess the plan is, the more customers drink, the less they will notice how expensive the grocery prices are.

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With all the talk about VCU and Butler, many have forgotten that coach John Calipari could be setting a record of his own. If the NCAA discovers anything in future regarding rules violations at Kentucky, Calipari could be the first coach in history to forfeit Final Four appearances with three different teams.

Donald Trump now says that, “a lot of facts are emerging” that are making him question more seriously where Obama was born. “A lot of facts” translates to “Birthers apparently vote in the GOP primaries.”

Comments: 2 Comments

Shaka Can.

Posted March 28, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

The media was sure treating today’s VCU-Kansas game as a foregone conclusion.  Am amazed no one referred to VCU as “sacrificial Rams.”

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Shaka Smart is a mixed race man, raised by his mother and given an African name by his father. Considering how upset some betters (and big school alums) must be it’s a good thing there’s no rule that the coach of a final four team needs to be born in the U.S.

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All these pundits who say VCU didn’t belong in the NCAA tournament may be right. Maybe the Rams should have been picked for the NBA playoffs?

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Rumor had it Kansas was trying to find out if Pat Summitt was available at halftime.

ESPN’s Dick Vitale said before the tournament “Look at Colorado’s résumé, look at UAB and look at VCU,  it’d be an M&Mer — a mismatch, man. It would be like a beauty contest — Roseanne Barr walking in versus Scarlett Johansson. No shot, none whatsoever.”

I hear Scarlett Johansson just showed up in a VCU jersey.

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You have to feel a bit for Butler. This will be their first tournament game as the “over-dog.”

Suddenly having one team left in the Final Four (Kentucky) doesn’t feel quite so stupid. (And I did have VCU over USC in the play-in game.)

Harry Wesley Coover Jr., known as the inventor of Super Glue, has died. He was 94. Funeral arrangements are pending, although instead of hymns the organist plans to play versions of “Together Forever”, “Can’t Let Go,” and “Stuck on You.”

Pepsi is coming out with a new bottle  made entirely from plant material. –  switch grass, pine bark and corn husks.  Sounds like consumers might be better off throwing out the contents and eating the bottle.

Newt Gingrich says “I am not a hypocrite,” in response to queries about how he could have condemned Clinton while having his own affairs. I think I even like Nixon’s “I am not a crook” better.

Thinking about Geraldine Ferraro and realizing there were parallets between the 1984 and 2008 Presidential elections. Two candidates losing in the polls went for a “Hail Mary” and picked a woman running mate. Although Walter Mondale at least picked one with brains.

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