Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
January 26, 2012
While campaigning in Florida, GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney said that Barack Obama’s SOTU address was “detached from reality.” Only in America can a man who makes $10,000 bets in a debate, and talks about being unemployed while making $21 million a year, accuse someone else about being “detached from reality.”
–
In Florida, Newt Gingrich said today that as President he would make sure the U.S. has a permanent moon base by the end of his second term. What’s more of a pipe dream? A base on the moon? Or a Gingrich second term?
(Alex Schubert says “a Gingrich first term?”)
–
Frank McCourt has indicated he has already received over 20 bids, many of them with multiple potential investors, for the Los Angeles Dodgers. At this point the team may have more potential buyers than they have fans in the stands after the 7th inning.
–
In a January 14 conversation with a friend wiretapped by Italian authorities, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino says, “I don’t ever want to go back on ship.” I think that can be arranged.
–
Costa Captain Schettino’s wife apparently is standing by her man and defending him in an interview she gave to the magazine “Paris Match.” Sounds like someone got the number of Kobe Bryant’s jeweler.
–
Terrell Owens said in a GQ interview that he’s nearly broke and “in Hell.” And the worst thing – there’s no quarterback he can currently blame it on.
–
One thing that bothers many Americans about Mitt Romney’s tax returns is with the investment income he is now making all that money while currently doing nothing productive. Sort of like Barry Zito.
–
Tim Lincecum signed with the SF Giants for $40.50 million for two years. Which means two years from now the Giants will either be idiots for not having locked him up longer, or brilliant for not getting into another Zito-like contract.
–
Michele Bachmann announced today she will seek re-election to the House. And it was Jon Stewart’s turn to Tebow.
–
Newt Gingrich told an interviewer for the Christian Broadcasting Network that Evangelicals like him because his affairs make him “more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect.” And Bill Clinton said “Why didn’t I think of that?”
–
In his response to the State of the Union, Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels complained about Obama’s wasteful spending. Guess he feels the President hasn’t done enough to reverse the deficit explosion from George W.’s administration, when Bush’s budget director was… Mitch Daniels.
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Captain Schettino jokes, Concordia sinking jokes, Costa jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Newt Gingrich jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 25, 2012
President Obama’s speech tonight was very realistic in one regard. While he returned to the theme of Washington being broken, he offered no over-optimistic plans to fix the Wizards and Redskins.
–
–
Another post State of the Union thought. President Obama was much more civil to the GOP than Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney are to each other.
–
And there’s some progress in the U.S.A after all. Watching the State of the Union reminds me that we now actually have both a President and a Speaker of the House who are men of color.
–
Mitt Romney released his tax returns showing he will pay $6.2 million on income of over $42.5 million over the last two years. For a rate of 13.9% in 2010, and 15.4% in 2011. Well, gosh, with that kind of rate hike in 2011 I can see why Mitt thinks he needs a tax cut.
–
Oscar nominations announced today. And all these politicians who disavow all knowledge of what their Super PACs are up to were somehow shut out of the “Best Actor Category.”
–
Wonder if the Razzies will give a special award for “I fell into the lifeboat.”
–
–
San Francisco Sheriff Ross Mirkarimi stated today that he will not take a leave of absence even though he has been charged with domestic violence – saying ““I will make sure, as I have been doing, (to) attend to the needs of the department.” At least he didn’t say he was a fighter.
–
The Raiders have announced the hiring Dennis Allen as their new coach. Since he’s going to be their 10th head coach since 1995, shouldn’t they refer to him as their “interim head coach?”
–
Costa Cruise Lines has offered passengers booked on future sailings of the Concordia a refund and a 30% discount on a future cruise. No exact word on the timeline for the discount. Which might matter as for several passengers no doubt they are thinking “when hell freezes over.”
–
Oregon football coach Chip Kelly turned down the head coaching position with Tampa Bay, in order to stay with the Ducks. Guess even with all his self-confidence, Kelly didn’t think he could turn the Buccaneers into BCS contenders.
–
The Indianapolis Colts are reportedly talking to 49ers Special Teams’ coach Brad Seeley. San Francisco is reportedly ready to let Seeley go, if he takes Kyle Williams with him.
–
From T.C. SF punt returner Kyle Williams has been invited by all 4 NY area NHL teams to drop the puck at their next home game.
–
Elizabeth Warren on the Daily Show in New York said the Patriots were going to “spank” the Giants in the Super Bowl. When asked by Jon Stewart, aren’t you supposed to waffle and say how much you respect the New York Giants, she responded “But I don’t.” Not a Patriots fan, but “You Go Girl!”
–
In the South Carolina presidential primary, apparently 953 ballots were turned in that belonged to dead people. Said Chicagoans – “Amateurs!”
–
Well, the SF Giants may not have signed any great hitters in the offseason. On the other hand, two of the best have gone to the AL. (Fielder and Pujols.) Does increase the likelihood of 2-1 wins over St. Louis and Milwaukee.
–
Less than a week away from Super Bowl media day in Indianapolis. Just waiting for the first reporter to ask this year “Do you think the weather will be a factor?”
–
Worst thing about the 49ers not making the Super Bowl. Not getting to hear Jim Harbaugh at Media Day. Especially after this response at a Monday press conference “Is it just California that everybody just wants to know how you feel? Care about what you thought, what you did, how you felt, how your pinky feels. Is that just a California thing? Back where I come from, nobody really cares.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Costa jokes, Janice Hough, Oscars jokes, Romney jokes, state of the union jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 24, 2012
Mitt Romney says Gingrich is “erratic,” Newt Gingrich says Romney “can’t be trusted.” Who’s winning? President Obama.
–
Costa and their so-to-be-ex Captain are going at each other hot and heavy in the media as to assigning blame for the crash and sinking of the Concordia. Will the famous term for buck-passing be updated to “throwing someone under the cruise ship?”
–
Who knew? The true MVP of the 2011 49ers might have been Ted Ginn. Jr.
–
Open note to all spammers. Work on spelling. Doesn’t exactly inspire fear in your targets when they get an email supposedly from Paypal titled “account suspended, for your proection (sic).
–
A rumor going around about Ryan Braun is that he says his failed drug test is the result of his taking medication for an STD. (Herpes.) Not that I want to impugn anyone’s good name unnecessarily but considering the number of children along with the reputations pro-athletes have…. does anyone really think he’s the only one taking such medication?
Or to put it another way, if meds for an STD made you test positive for PED’s, wouldn’t we have a lot more players on the 50 day shelf?
–
All these folks ragging on Steven Tyler for his lousy rendition of the National Anthem. It could have been MUCH more painful to watch – Tyler could have had a wardrobe malfunction.
–
Kia Motors said it is recalling 145,755 cars in the United States because of potentially faulty driver airbags. Wow. Kia has sold over 145,000 cars in the U.S?
–
Two part joke with my comedy writer friend Paul Seaburn, who wrote the first joke below:
“India’s government wants an apology from Jay Leno for a joke where he said that the Golden Temple, which is India’s holiest shrine, could be Mitt Romney’s summer home. Romney wants an apology too for putting the idea into his wife’s head.
My following joke. Wonder how long until we see a Leno joke about Britain’s crown jewels upsetting Newt Gingrich for the same reason.
–
Chicago White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf on his former manager – “Regarding Ozzie Guillen’s departure last September, I want to make it clear that he left with our organization’s blessing.” Translate, Reinsdorf told Ozzie, don’t let the clubhouse door hit you in the “behind.”
–
Quote of the night on “the Bachelor” from model Courtney ” “I’m a nice person, don’t f*ck with me.”
–
Royal Caribbean sent a long email to past guests reassuring them on the cruise lines safety procedures and even including links to videos on the subject. Here’s a simpler idea – just send out an email “Our captains don’t joyride.”
–
Rick Santorum’s spokesman said Mitt Romney called him to “concede victory” in Iowa. But Romney’s spokeswoman said his campaign didn’t concede, that “Gov. Romney (just) called Sen. Santorum to congratulate him on the Iowa results.” Can’t imagine where politicians get the reputation for doublespeak.
–
Sarah Palin said that Chris Christie’s comment that Newt Gringrich was becoming an embarrassment “was reflective of a lack of self-discipline.” Well, if anyone is an expert on a lack of self-discipline….
–
Sarah Palin also said of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie that he got his “panties in a wad.” Sarah, really? Is that the visual you want to inflict upon the world?
–
A new study published online by the New England Journal of Medicine finds that some people are allergic to cold. “See, I just cheated on Hillary for my health.” said Bill Clinton.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Costa Concordia jokes, Costa jokes, cruise jokes, GOP debate jokes, Janice Hough, Palin jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 23, 2012
R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”
–
The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?
–
Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s
–
Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”
–
Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.
–
Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.
–
–
The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.
–
Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.
–
Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”
–
In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”
–
John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?
–
Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.
–
Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..
–
The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.
–
Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.
–
Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.
–
An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.
–
Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Costa Concordia jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Sandusky jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, Ravens jokes, Super Bowl Jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
January 22, 2012
Which sank quicker this week – the Costa Concordia, or Mitt Romney’s Presidential hopes?
–
How angry was Mitt Romney after tonight’s loss? Rumor has it he went home and actually thought about kicking the dog strapped to the roof of his car.
–
Sarah Palin now says Newt Gingrich is the new Republican “front-runner.” Is she angling for another spot on the ticket? Democrats are Tebowing at the idea.
–
No wonder Herman Cain had to drop out of the Presidential race. He didn’t marry enough of the women he had affairs with….
–
Mitt Romney is now calling on Newt Gingrich today to release those Freddie Mac reports he wrote for $1.6 million in consulting fees. This millionaire on multi-millionaire class warfare is really getting out of hand.
–
The question of the night in South Carolina. Who looks more lifelike? Mitt Romney or Callista Gingrich?
–
A couple headlines this morning screamed “Newt on fire.” And all I can think was “Did one of his ex-wives set it?
–
The NBA admitted today that officials made a mistake Friday in not calling a kicked-ball violation that resulted in the Warriors’ losing’ 94-91 loss to the Pacers. Bummer, this could mean Golden State ends up only winning 12 instead of 13 games this year.
–
All kinds of rumors about the death or near-death of Joe Paterno. Not excusing the coach’s behavior in the Sandusky affair, but will say that of all the scumbags at Penn State, Joe-Pa actually had some history of good behavior on his side.
–
The real winner of the South Carolina GOP primary tonight? Just might be Barack Obama.
–
Syracuse star Fab Melo didn’t travel with the team to Notre Dame. According to ESPN it was because of an “unresolved academic issue from the fall semester.” When asked which class caused the issue, wonder if Melo responded “Class?”
–
You cannot make this “stuff” up dept for the day: Keith Ablow, a psychiatrist working for Fox News, said that Newt’s affairs might make him a better president, saying three women wanting to marry him was proof of his appeal, and that “Gingrich’s way of telling his wives the ‘incredibly painful truths’ that he no longer loved them and was leaving them for other women could mean that he would be equally, brutally direct with America about whatever issues he had with the entire country.”
–
Gary M’s comment about the young blonde dancer who was seen dining and drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank, and her “denying rumors they were romantically involved…”
“He merely tripped and fell on top of her. Repeatedly.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Callista Gingrich jokes, Costa Concordia jokes, GOP primary jokes, Newt Gingrich jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 21, 2012
The Cleveland Indians pitcher formerly known as Fausto Carmona apologized for lying about his name and his age. After Leo Nunez of the Marlins was caught doing the same thing. If they are ever traded for each other it could be the first trade solely involving two players to be named later.
–
Brilliant analysis from New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on his website, “The team that’s going to win this weekend is the team that plays the best.”
How weird is this NBA season? Tonight the Lakers lost to the Magic, and the Clippers lost to the T’Wolves. And the Clippers’ loss was more surprising.
–
Although he hasn’t read it and says he won’t read it, Tiger Woods is already ripping former coach Hank Haney’s upcoming book about him: “I think people understand that this book is about money.” And Tiger’s point is?
–
Tiger Woods claims he has not read the upcoming book by his former coach Hank Haney, but he is already criticizing it.
Sort of like those GOP candidates who say they haven’t seen their Super PAC commercials but can describe them word for word.
–
So in conservative South Carolina, Mitt Romney may lose to a serial adulterer who told one of his wives he wanted an open marriage. To paraphrase Sally Field, Mitt should be thinking – “You don’t like me, you REALLY don’t like me.”
–
Newt Gingrich says he was just misunderstood. He still does mean that marriage is between one man and one woman. He just meant to qualify that with “in bed, at the same time.”
–
All this controversy about Gingrich wanting an open marriage. Newt already HAD an open marriage, he just wanted Marianne’s permission.
–
The St. Louis Rams have announced they will play a regular season game in London in each of the next three NFL seasons. And from “across the pond” come the cries “Hey mates, haven’t we suffered enough?”
–
Only 30 days until pitchers and catchers report. So, okay Cubs fans, time to order those “Countdown to elimination clocks.”
–
Newt Gingrich said of our President – “He’s likeable. I would never beat Obama in a personality contest.” Yes, but the scary thing for the GOP…Gingrich does beat Mitt Romney in a personality contest.
–
The blond hostess who was seen drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank is denying rumors they were romantically involved. She told an Italian paper he always was showing pictures of his daughter and that “A man who wants a lover does not behave like that.”
Uh, not saying the two were or they weren’t involved. But Bill Clinton doted on Chelsea.
–
From Michael Hayne: “If Mitt Romney wants to get rid of Newt Gingrich, he just needs to become seriously ill and Newt will leave.”
And from Marc Ragovin, a last word on Tim Tebow.
Here’s a way to describe “passes completed/attempts” in a typical Tebow game: Tim 3:16
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Costa Captain jokes, Gingrich jokes, Janice Hough, Newt jokes, South Carolina jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 20, 2012
Thirty minutes after the Costa Concordia hit the rocks, the captain is heard insisting that his cruise ship only had a blackout. That’s like Captain John Smith saying “it was only a little ice.”
According to an Italian newspaper, Costa Concordia Captain Schettino said to a judge that he miscalculated when steering the ship close to the island of Giglio to perform a sail-past salute to people onshore. But added “I’m a victim of my own kindness.” “A victim of his own kindness? I like “fell into the lifeboat” better.
As my friend Alex Schubert says, “He miscalculated steering a ship, but he somehow managed to make a dead on calculation when taking a giant plunge into a tiny lifeboat.”
–
The story now is that the married 52 year old captain was drinking wine a dinner with a 25 year old blonde dancer, less than an hour before he put the ship on the rocks. Really? This guy wasn’t acting like a captain, he was acting like a future U.S. Presidential candidate.
–
Let’s hope it doesn’t come out that the Captain called Rick Perry to ask the three things he should do in the event of a crash.
–
–
Now the National Enquirer is reported that Khloe Kardashian’s father is O.J. Simpson. You know what this story coming out means? Ratings for their television show must be falling.
–
All this talk about the potential damage that may come from Marianne Gingrich’s statement that Newt wanted an open marriage…. Did we forget that Americans elected Bill Clinton President twice?
–
A 65 year old lawyer was arrested with a loaded handgun in her carryon as she boarded a flight at DFW Airport. Reportedly she “forgot” about the gun. TSA apparently saw the weapon but didn’t stop the woman so flights were delayed until they were able to find her. In TSA’s defense, they got everyone immediately with those illegal water bottles.
–
So Rick Perry, another candidate who claimed God told him to run is out of the GOP Presidential race. Appears that God has recently lost interest in politics and American football.
–
One of the hardest things to understand about Newt Gingrich and his affairs…. that there are actually three women who wanted to sleep with him.
–
The latest vote count out of Iowa shows Rick Santorum winning by 34 votes, but GOP officials call it a “split decision.” Who was running these caucuses? The BCS?
–
When told of Perry’s exit from the race, Mitt Romney said “We’re gonna miss him.” “Not half as much as we will”, responded Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.
–
Eastman Kodak has filed for bankruptcy. At one point the company was so iconic that their Kodachrome film was immortalized in a Paul Simon song. Said most under 30s – “What’s Kodachrome?” Said most under 20s – “What’s film?”
–
Marianne Gingrich did an interview with ABC where she lambastes Newt for cheating on her with his future third wife. Right, as opposed to the cheating he did with Marianne on his first wife.
–
Marianne Gingrich also said that Newt wanted an “open marriage.” Is the timing of this interview a shameless push for Bill Clinton’s endorsement.
Most unfortunate thing about tonight’s Lakers-Heat game? Someone had to win.
–
A 65 year old lawyer was arrested with a loaded handgun in her carry-on as she boarded a flight at DFW Airport. Reportedly she “forgot” about the gun. TSA apparently saw the weapon but didn’t stop the woman so flights were delayed until they were able to find her. In TSA’s defense, they got everyone immediately with those illegal water bottles.
(and well, years ago Ann Richards did speak out about the concealed weapons law in Texas, which proponents said was for women’s protection, saying she didn’t presume to speak for all Texas women, but she didn’t think “most of us could find a gun in our purse”)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Concordia captain jokes, Costa jokes, Gingrich jokes, Italian captain jokes, Janice Hough, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 19, 2012
(The Carnival- Costa theme song?)
–
Poor Joe Biden. All these reported GOP speaking gaffes must have him missing the spotlight. Or at least that’s one explanation why he told San Francisco Democrats in a private fundraiser today that “the Giants are on their way to the Super Bowl.
–
Actually posted this on Facebook last morning before Biden’s speech: You might be a S.F. bandwagon fan if….. You say you are excited about the Giants game this weekend but admit you hadn’t thought the Giants started playing until April.
–
The Captain of the Concordia now said he fell into the lifeboat. I think I like I cheated on my wife because of “how passionately I felt about this country” better.
–
The NY Post may not usually appear on the list of America’s top papers. But they do win the prize so far for the best headline on the Costa Concordia disaster- a picture of the captain on the front page of their paper edition with the caption “Chicken of the Sea.”
–
–
Wonder if Captain Francesco Schettino has had time to change his Facebook status? Presumably from “At the helm of the Costa Concordia about to impress passengers with a beautiful island view,” to “It’s complicated.”
–
–
And watching the television shots of the Concordia on its side with the deck steeply sloped towards the ocean, have to wonder if parent company Carnival will reconsider those ads of the “longest, fastest, waterslide” at sea.
–
True fact: The Costa Concordia is a sister ship to Carnival’s Splendor. All of a sudden being adrift for three days off the coast of Mexico (which happened to the Splendor in 2010), doesn’t seem so bad.
–
From my friend Jerry Perisho, “A member of the Italian Coast Guard told the captain of that cruise ship, who had already abandoned ship, “Get on board, dammit” That, of course, is the same message the Romney campaign team is screaming at Republican voters.”
–
Now that Yu Darvish has signed with the Rangers, many of us have a whole new reason to look forward to interleague play. If Darvish can handle a bat or work a walk it means we can hear the announcer say “Yu’s on first.”
–
Darvish’s name is actually pronounced “You duhr-veesh.” So will he be known to U.S. fans as a “Hurling Darvish?”
–
Mitt Romney is having a tough few days talking about his 15% tax rate and making “only” about $375,000 a year from public speaking. I miss Ann Richards, who would no doubt be proclaiming “Poor Mitt, he was born with a platinum foot in his mouth.”
–
Newt Gingrich has announced he pays a 31% percent tax rate, and is worth only about $6.7 million, much less than Mitt Romney. Wonder how much of that difference is Callista’s jewelry?
–
Despite his positive PED test Ryan Braun will accept his NL MVP award at a banquet Saturday. Braun’s spokesman said “there are highly unusual circumstances surrounding this case which will support Ryan’s complete innocence.” Of course, aren’t there always?
My friend Karen wondered if he tripped and fell into a needle?
–
Rob Lowe apparently tweeted that Peyton Manning is retiring. Could be true, or maybe Peyton is just floating a trial balloon to keep something awful from happening, like being traded to the Redskins.
–
Some unfortunate stories of Saints fans being treated badly at Candlestick Park during the SF-New Orleans game. Well, this sort of harassment probably won’t happen if the team moves to expensive new digs in Santa Clara. The local folks who can afford tickets probably will be too busy with their cellphones.
–
From Bill Littlejohn: It’s getting down to the wire for arbitration between Tim Lincecum and the San Francisco Giants. Lincecum demanded a Giants team batting average of .280 in arbitration—the Giants countered with .240″
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Carnival Cruise Line jokes, Concordia jokes, Costa Captain jokes, Costa jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 18, 2012
Last week Jon Huntsman called Mitt Romney “unelectable” and “out-of-touch.” This week he endorsed him for President. I know Jon’s a Mormon but he changed his estimation faster than a man at a singles bar at closing time.
–
Passengers on a BA Miami to London flight were awakened at 300am by an automated message saying “This is an emergency announcement. We may shortly need to make an emergency landing on water.”
A a cabin crew member had pushed the wrong button. Wonder if the employee might be terminated. If so, they are likely to get a job offer from Costa Cruise Lines.
But come on, really? You try to delete spam or a pop-up ad sometimes and get the response “Are you really sure you want to delete this message,” Or “Are you really sure you want to navigate away from this page?” Doesn’t it seem like there should be a “Are you SURE you want to push this button?” message.
–
–
Dwight Howard has now apparently added the Clippers to his trade wish list. Wonder how long it will take Jack Nicholson to apply for season tickets.
–
Highly-rated QB prospect Gunner Kiel has enrolled at Notre Dame, after first committing to Indiana, and then LSU. Who’s Kiel’s role model? Brett Favre?
–
Celebrity chef Paula Deen announced she has Type 2 diabetes. For anyone who’s followed her cooking show or her books, there’s just one question – “What took so long?”
–
High school QB Gunner Kiel, rated #2 in the country, has now committed to three different colleges. Now, former top prospect Andrew Luck called his own plays. Don’t think this will happen with Kiel. Coaches will have to figure he’ll never decide what play to call.
–
Nick Montana, son of Joe, is transferring from the University of Washington to a junior college, in hopes of eventually finding another four year school where he can play more. And the BCS still says it’s all about protecting the “student-athletes.”
–
n Santa Rosa, California, a police sting caught 9 people driving away from the courthouse, out of 18 who had JUST been told by a judge not to drive. Along with the original charges will the police add enhancements for stupidity?
–
A final written tally of the Iowa caucus votes will be released Friday, and it turns out Rick Santorum may have actually beaten Mitt Romney. Who did the original counting? Rick Perry?
–
The SF Giants have signed Pablo Sandoval to a 3-year contract. The contract is guaranteed unless the Panda does anything dangerous, like motorcycling, mountain climbing, or getting within 50 feet of a Taco Bell.
–
Mitt Romney said today that he most of his income comes from investments (makes sense, since he’s been running for President for the last eight years) and currently pays taxes “close to the 15% rate.” 15%. Yeah, I can see why he thinks he needs a tax cut….
–
More Romney: In discussing his probable 15% tax rate, he said it is because he has mostly investment income, adding “I get speakers fees from time to time, but not very much.” Last year, Romney earned only $374,327.62 in speaking fees. Can’t imagine how Mitt gets the image of being out of touch.
–
A new PPP (Public Policy Polling) poll shows President Obama leading Mitt Romney 49-45. Now polls can vary but one interesting side note: Romney leads by 6 points with men, but Obama leads by 14 points with women. (Comments on this one especially encouraged.)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, cruise ship sinking jokes, election jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, primary jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 16, 2012
The 49ers get another playoff home game, which should be at night. Will ticket holders be asked to bring flashlights?
–
Lakers 73, Dallas 70? Or was that score left over from a Baylor football game?
–
How long until we start seeing Costa Concordia cocktails? Presumably something Italian on the rocks, with a lot of water.
–
And ah, perspective. Micky Arison, the owner of the Miami Heat, is also the CEO and majority owner of Carnival Cruise Lines, parent company of Costa. Last week if you asked him he might have said the biggest disaster he’d seen this year was Lebron’s performance in the NBA finals.
–
–
–
George Clooney won a Golden Globes award for “The Descendants.” Probably because as unlikely as it seemed, he actually gave a believable performance as a man a woman might actually cheat on.
–
Stephen Colbert, taking Mitt Romney’s “corporations are people” to its logical conclusion, now has a satiric commercial saying that Romney’s time doing leveraged buyouts makes him a serial killer. Wonder how long it will take President Obama to beg Colbert to run in more GOP primaries.
–
South Carolina’s leading newspaper endorsed Jon Huntsman, saying that of the “two sensible, experienced grownups in the race, he was “more principled, has a far more impressive resume and offers a significantly more important message.” So, of course after that Huntsman knew he has no chance and had to quit.
–
Whose endorsement was less enthusiastic? John Elway’s saying Tebow is next year’s Broncos starter? Or Jon Huntsman saying Mitt Romney is now the GOP’s best Presidential candidate?
–
–
Marc Ragovin’s take on Jon’s Huntsman’s throwing his support to Mitt Romney. That is like the Cubs having “Go Yankees” night.
–
–
Who’d a thunk it. Alex Smith this past weekend gave his best Aaron Rodgers impersonation, while Aaron Rodgers gave his best Alex Smith impersonation.
–
Rick Perry last weekend compared himself to Moses. And a voice from the heavens boomed down “I knew Moses, Moses was a friend of mine, Governor, you’re no Moses.”
–
Another in the long line of “you cannot make this ‘stuff’ up” items: Georgia Republican state Rep. Kip Smith, the sponsor of a bill that would “require random drug testing” for citizens on public assistance, was arrested early Friday morning in an Atlanta suburb and charged with DUI.
–
A man in Southern California have arrested a man who they say added chemicals into his wife’s Rice Krispies cereal last week in attempt to kill her. What, as opposed to the chemicals already in the cereal?
–
From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tim Tebow had a feeling he was in for a rough game against the Pats. When he prayed before the game, God told Tebow to take the Pats and give the 14.5 points.”
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Concordia jokes, Costa jokes, Janice Hough, Jon Huntsman jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
January 14, 2012
The Miami Heat have lost three in a row. “That’s such a shame.” said absolutely no one outside South Florida.
–
Ohio State president Gordon Gee is apologizing after saying that coordinating the school’s 18 colleges was “kind of like the Polish army or something.”
Fortunately for Gee, he’s likely off the front page soon – Urban Meyer with his 30 plus players arrested in 6 years at the Univ. of Florida is taking over this week.
–
John Edward’s criminal trial has been postponed because he apparently has a “life-threatening” condition. Sad. Being a douchebag is not usually fatal.
–
A judge says John Edwards has a heart condition. Meaning he has joined Dick Cheney in that rare group who seem to have such problems without actually having a heart.
–
The comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. As the GOP presidential primary field shrinks, comes the report that Tiger Woods and Tim Tebow could end up playing together in the AT& T Pebble Beach Pro-Am.
–
Starbucks is launching a new “Blonde Roast” and an employee has posted that they were advised “there are absolutely no blonde jokes to be told around the coffee what so ever.” Doesn’t mean we can’t post them.
Starting with only blondes will be stupid enough to pay more for weaker coffee?
The winner so far from my friend Alex Kaseberg “The blonde coffee has a much higher chance of ending up in a guy’s lap. (Readers are encouraged to add more.)
–
Former Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher may become the next coach of the St. Louis Rams. Fisher apparently is very optimistic, and says he hopes to have the Rams BCS eligible in 2012.
–
Former interim MLB commissioner Bud Selig has been given a two year extension until 2014. He took the position temporarily in 1992. Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dude, give it up already.”
–
While I’m not exactly a Mitt Romney fan, the latest attack ad in South Carolina lambastes him for speaking French. After an anti-Jon Huntsman ad attacked him for speaking Chinese. And we wonder why Americans have the reputation for being ethnocentric and stupid.
–
From Bill Littlejohn, a last word on the BCS championship. After Monday’s 21-0 shellacking at the hands of Alabama, LSU actually received a first place vote in the final poll. Isn’t that like Custer receiving a first place vote after Little Big Horn?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, John Edwards jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 13, 2012
Demi Moore, 49, who recently ended her marriage to Ashton Kutcher, 33, is now apparently dating a 26 year old male model. Just one thing to say – “You go girl!”
–
Michelle Obama is denying reports in a recent book of tension between her and White House aides. The First Lady says people have tried to portray her as “some kind of angry black woman.” And she says when she finds out who the liars are she is going to kill them.
–
Stephen Colbert is hinting he may enter the GOP primary to run for to be “President of the United States of South Carolina.”
Apparently he’s already polling higher than Rick Perry.
–
Apparently the “vulture capitalist” that GOP rivals (and no doubt Democrats in the fall) are using against Mitt Romney phrase was most famously used against Meg Whitman by HER GOP rival Steve Poizner in 2010 Poizner’s strategist? Stuart Stevens, who is now advising Romney’s campaign. Karma is one mean, smart bitch..
–
John McCain, who just said choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate was “the best decision” he had ever made, now says the “Citizens United” Supreme Court ruling was “one of the worst decisions I have ever seen.” Well, one out of two’s not bad.
–
Apparently the weekend before his arrest, when the school knew about the investigation, Jerry Sandusky was watching Penn State play from the president’s box at Beaver Stadium. Anyone still think the school should have hired a new coach from within? (As Shakespeare would say “Something was rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.”)
–
A “Titanic Memorial Cruise” on the MS Balmoral from Southampton, England, on April 8 is sold out. (The ship will actually sail to the site of the ship’s sinking April 15, the actual 100th anniversary.) On that night presumably women on the cruise will be told not to skip dessert.
–
U.S. airlines have raised prices $20. Shocking. Not the added cost. But the fact they are calling it a fare hike, not a fuel surcharge, or winter tax, or seat fee, or something….
–
Just how nasty are Gingrich’s anti-Romney ads? Newt seems so upset with Mitt you’d think they used to be married to each other.
–
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is being investigated for his ties to a French prostitution ring. His defense is that he was “totally unaware” that the women he met in swinger sessions were prostitutes. Said Strauss-Kahn’s lawyer. “I defy you to tell the difference between a naked prostitute and any other naked woman.” In related news, Bill Clinton asked President Obama to appoint him Ambassador to France.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Demi Moore jokes, GOP primary jokes, Michelle Obama jokes, Romney jokes, Stephen Colbert running for president
Comments: 2 Comments
January 12, 2012
Mitt Romney is denying allegations that he is a “vulture capitalist.” He has a point, vultures only take as much as they need to survive.
–
Manny Ramirez says if some MLB team gives him another chance he could be a role model. Uh, hasn’t Manny already been a role model. As in “No matter how much God-given talent you have, if you’re lazy or a cheat you can f*ck it up.”
–
Glenn Beck threw out his back by bending over a coffee table. Beck will be back on air as soon as he can figure out how to blame this on President Obama.
–
Apparently while Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney pushed for science to be included in the state’s testing system. If this leaks out Romney may lose his lead in the GOP primary.
–
The media are making much of a new poll saying Tim Tebow is America’s favorite athlete. But to achieve that status, Tebow was chosen by 3.0% (yes three percent) of those polled. To put that in perspect, Newt Gingrich got 9.0% in New Hampshire.
–
Flip Saunders, head coach of the Washington Wizards, says that he thinks his young star John Wall picked up “too many bad habits” while playing in the summer league. What, as opposed to the bad habits Wall has picked up playing for the woeful Wizards?
–
A new study published on the Public Library of Science says men and women are “basically different species.” In other equally shocking news, Tim Tebow just might be very thankful to his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”
–
The Federal Reserve just announced that the final weeks of 2011 were the economy’s strongest. This is good news for anyone who isn’t running for the GOP Presidential nomination.
–
SI.com has come out with their Top 20 college football rankings. For NEXT season. Shockingly an SEC team – LSU – is ranked #1. But USC is second, Oregon is third. (Stanford is #20.) Gentlemen, start your bowl lobbying.
–
Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy for the second time in ten years. There are rumors the company may be forced to liquidate. Although the Twinkies they have produced should survive for at least another decade.
–
ESPN reports Penn State University president Rodney Erickson will be talking to alums today in Pittsburgh, “some of whom aren’t happy about the way the school handled” the Sandusky scandal, the firing of Paterno, etc…. “Some?” Really? Find me ONE alum who thinks the school did a good job.
–
Is this an omen? Tim Tebow and the Broncos are taking on the New England Patriots this Saturday night. For competing programming ABC is airing “Wipeout.”
–
A L.A. County sheriff’s deputy has been arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into jail inside a burrito. Now there’s a concept, marijuana filled burritos – it’s one way to get buyers hungry enough to finish a whole one.
If you are reading this and like sports humor especially, highly recommend Dwight Perry’s “Sideline Chatter” in the Seattle Times. (In this column from Wednesday he took one of my jokes too.)
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/2017205546_chat11.html#.Tw6RugcUYHM.facebook
–
Another night, another California overtime loss for Miami. The Heat lost 95 to 89 to the Clippers after Miami shot 20 of 34 from the free throw line. (.588.) “C’mon guys, it’s not that hard.” – commented Shaquille O’Neal.
–
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, Glenn Beck jokes, Romney jokes, Tebow jokes, Twinkies jokes, vulture capitalist jokes, vulture jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 11, 2012
Finally.
Not saying bowl season goes on too long, but even many guys had to be thinking, Ah heck, enough, let’s switch to the channel where the guy gets to choose between all the hot scantily clad chicks.
–
Monday night’s LSU-Alabama rematch was the lowest-rated BCS title game ever. Rumor has it at some point ESPN thought about turning the game over to Versus.
–
But really, this stretched out BCS is becoming a joke. Why, the January 9 final meant that even the major bowl game schedule lasted longer than most folks’ New Year’s resolutions.
–
T.C’s BCS comments: The BCS Championship game was so boring that Dr.Pepper is rumored to be withdrawing it’s sponsorship. Red Bull is signing up right away.
My vote for MVPs? Both kickers. Bama’s place kicker and LSU’s punter.
–
Actually the only player with less to do this week than LSU’s placekicker? The New Orleans’ Saints punter.
–
The Golden State Warriors were down 17 points tonight to the Miami Heat, and down 84-72 after the third. And they won 111-106 in OT. Wow. Who knew Lebron and company were already in playoff form.
–
This line isn’t original, but kudos to Jim Harbaugh for maintaining a sense of humor. When asked how it felt to watch the Saints rack up 626 yards in offense last weekend, the 49ers coach responded “It makes me go to bed and sleep like a baby. I wake up every hour crying.”
–
Who’d a thunk two months ago that Tim Tebow would last longer in a NFL leadership position than Hue Jackson?
–
Jon Huntsman failed to qualify for the ballot in Arizona, because the the nomination paper submitted on his behalf did not include the required notarized signature. And Huntsman’s supposed to be the smart one?
–
On the other hand, another great campaign moment. Rick Santorum sent out an email to his supporters talking about waiting for the polls to open in New Hampshire. Except he sent it at 645p EST tonight. (Are we sure he didn’t inhale.)
–
And how bad was Rick Perry’s N.H. performance? The Texas Governor could probably actually count all his votes.
–
John McCain said last night that picking Sarah Palin his running mate was “still the best decision I’ve ever made.” Of course, this could be pandering. Or it could mean America dodged a bullet by not electing a man who now appears too old to be president.
–
–
Robert Griffin III told Baylor today he was going pro. Bears’ coaches weren’t sure at first if that meant entering the NFL draft or transferring to an SEC school.
–
A new Facebook app allows users to post a carefully constructed message to the world in the event of their death. Bummer for all those who might have used such an app on MySpace.
–
Does this really need a punchline? Kim Kardashian who made a Super Bowl commercial for Skechers (a sneaker company) last year, has been replaced in this year’s commercial by a French bulldog.
–
All these GOP candidates lambasting Mitt Romney for saying he likes to fire people. Makes me almost wish Donald Trump was still running.
–
Congratulations to Mitt Romney for winning the New Hampshire primary. Now Mitt willl be increasingly campaigning against the President’s promised “hope and change.” And with Romney’s positions, you don’t need to hope, you KNOW they’ll change.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, bowl game jokes, Hunstman jokes, LSU jokes, New Hampshire primary jokes, primary jokes, Romney jokes, SEC jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 10, 2012
Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.
If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.
–
But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.
–
Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.
–
For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.
–
Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.
–
Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”
–
Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”
–
Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?
–
For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.
–
Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)
–
After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.
–
Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.
–
Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”
–
Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.
–
Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.
–
They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.
–
A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.
–
Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Alabama jokes, BCS championship jokes, BCS jokes, Janice Hough, LSU jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
January 9, 2012
Yes, you cannot make this “stuff” up, Tim Tebow threw for 3 16 yards tonight. Coincidentally the number of his favorite bible verse.
Not to be confused with Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite 3 16 – three 16 year olds. (Okay, okay, so the alleged victim was 20. He was 28.)
–
But really, First play in overtime. Okay, that’s it, God is just f*cking with us.
–
John Elway has to be feeling pretty good about telling Tim Tebow to “”pull the trigger.” But if John’s going to toss around phrases like that, it’s probably a good thing the Broncos hadn’t traded for Plaxico Burress.
–
Fortunately a Denver-New Orleans Super Bowl is still a longshot. Because what’s God going to do if and when Tebow faces the Saints?
–
All this talk about Tim Tebow thinking he’s God. Clearly for much of Sunday the critics were wrong. Tebow didn’t think he is God, he though he was Steve Young.
–
From T.C “Big Ben supposedly heard muttering to himself as he left the field after 1 play in OT – There is no God.”
–
Anyone watch the Godaddy.com Bowl? Yeah, me neither.
–
All this talk about if Atlanta had only not gone for those two 4th and inches plays…. The way I see it, that would have made the score 24-9.
–
Kiefer Sutherland said that filming on the new “24” movie will start in the spring. Presumably the first scenes will be shot between 9:00 and 10:00am.
–
Texas Gov. Rick Perry said today he’s not giving up on the GOP presidential primary. And compared himself to the fighters who rode back into the Alamo. Now, I wholeheartedly honor those brave Texans who fought in San Antonio, but does Perry know they all ended up dead?
–
Beyonce named her baby girl, “Blue Ivy.” So when did they print the memo that says that if you’re a celebrity it’s your duty to name your kids something stupid?
–
Poor Kristen Wiig. Not that her career is doing that badly with “Bridesmaids” and SNL. But watching her again on “Weekend Update” reminded me that her Michele Bachmann impersonation, which she won’t have much call to do now, is ALMOST as good as Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin.
–
Think we can now safely rule out a Newt-Mitt ticket: Gingrich on Romney’s saying that he was a one-term Gov.in Mass. because he wanted to return to private life. “Could we drop a little bit of the pious baloney?? You had a very bad re-election rating; you dropped out…. You were running for president while you were governor, you were out of state consistently.”
(You do have to love a man who has been married three times but still endorses the Defense of Marriage Act telling ANYONE to “cut the pious baloney.”)
–
And yes, we Stanford fans need to get over it. Eventually. But let’s see, in this past week at the end of a tie game, we’ve now seen a coach with the best QB in college go conservative and run, and a coach with one of the worst QBs in the NFL risk disaster by going for the big pass….
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ben Roethlisberger jokes, Broncos jokes, Janice Hough, Perry jokes, Romney jokes, Tebow God jokes, Tim Tebow jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 8, 2012
For anyone who wanted to see what Andrew Luck would be like with really good receivers, I refer you to highlights of Drew Brees tonight against the Lions.
–
Not to say the Saints were unstoppable. But in the second half, they were scoring faster than Tiger Woods during his marriage in a room full of waitresses.
–
Barry J. Sanders, who committed today to Stanford, said he looks forward to playing with other great “student-athletes.” The number one response from most other top high-school football recruits? “What’s a student-athlete?”
–
Amazing thought. When this season started, Houston QB T.J. Yates was further down the depth chart than Tim Tebow.
–
By the time most people read this, Saturday night’s GOP debate will have been eclipsed by Sunday morning’s debate. If eclipsed is the right word. But for now, so much for the rest of the GOP field beating up on Mitt Romney. The Detroit Lions defense did a better job against Drew Brees.
–
Apparently catcher Jorge Posada has decided to retire from playing Major League Baseball. Many fans who watched the Yankees play in 2010 think he already did.
–
An actual serious post, Jan 8 is the one-year anniversary of the horrible shooting in Tucson that killed six people and critically injured Congresswoman Gabby Giffords. While recovering, Giffords hasn’t decided whether or not to run again in 2012. Here’s a thought, let her husband run, hold the seat for two years, and then step down assuming she has recovered sufficiently by 2014.
–
Headline about newly published “The Obamas’: Book Reveals Friction Between Rahm Emanuel, Michelle Obama.” Uh, really? Wouldn’t it be more of a headline if Rahm Emanuel didn’t have friction with someone?
–
Mitt Romney said Saturday night that it ‘pains him to fire workers in order to make a company more profitable.” Sounds like the grownup version of the old parents’ spanking comment “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” And about as believable.
–
Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., Barack Obama is working on his re-election strategy. Number one campaign objective: “More GOP debates.”
–
–
Jon Huntsman appears to be a reasonable likable man who might, in spite of his conservative social views, get some independent and even Democratic votes in November. Yet he apparenly has no chance. Wonder if the 2012 GOP is considering changing their mascot from an elephant to a lemming.
–
Ah lawyers, just got an email from a Vegas hotel titled “Score your seat to watch ‘the Big Game.'” (inside the email it says Big Game XVLI Feb. 5, 2012) Add “Super Bowl” to the list of terms that must be copyrighted.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Drew Brees jokes, GOP debate jokes, Janice Hough, New Orleans Saints jokes, Saints jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
January 7, 2012
Much buzz about the fact the Tiger’s ex-wife Elin bought, then knocked down, a $12 million Florida mansion. Wonder if she got a discount on the demolition for helping out with her own golf clubs?
–
Regarding that $12 million mansion Elin Nordegren bought and has had demolished, the 17,000 sq. ft. home had six bedrooms with a pool, a beach, and eight bathrooms. According to North Palm Beach town planners – Elin’s reason, it didn’t have enough space for her and her family.
–
Thirty two college football bowl games down. 3 to go. Maybe time to remake that old Chicago song. “Does anybody really know what time it is. Does anybody really care?
–
There are rumors that this may be Ryan Seacrest’s last year “American Idol” host..” As Seacrest’s expiring $15 million a year contract extension may be viewed as too much money. Would Ryan re-negotiate? We’ll find out, after the break.
–
The Letterman’s Club, a Penn State alumni group, is upset that newly hired football head coach Bill O’Brien has is not a “Penn Stater” (i.e., someone with a history at the school.) Uh, at this point, isn’t that the best chance the university has to actually hire someone clean?
–
The Sugar Bowl had a chance to take any at-large teams, and passed on Stanford. Not to mention top-ten ranked Kansas State and Arkansas. They wanted Michigan and Virginia Tech because their fans “travelled.” Total Sugar Bowl attendance, about 64,500. Total Fiesta Bowl attendance, about 69.500.
–
La Redoute, a French clothing company, had an “oops” moment with a new ad on their website. It showed a photo of four children in beach clothes, but in the background off in the distance…a naked man. Guess that answers the question – “What is Jerry Sandusky doing now?”
–
NBC’s entertainment chairman said the network had “a really bad fall.” What, as opposed to their really bad winter, spring and summer?
–
A 17-year old from South Carolina babysitter has been arrested after giving a Xanax to 4-year old girl. Her excuse was she wanted to get the child to calm down and take a nap. Millions of Americans just hope the babysitters’s arrest doesn’t stand in the way of her pursuing a career as a flight attendant.
–
A British survey found that women tell on average 474 lies a year – nine a week, about the kinds of food they eat and the amount they drink. You know what that means – the women lied to the survey takers too.
–
Oregon’s LaMichael James is going to declare for the NFL draft. Undaunted, the Ducks will no doubt go down to juvenile hall to recruit another replacement.
–
Mattel is coming out with Kardashian Barbie dolls. The dolls will apparently be very realistic copies of the sisters – albeit with less plastic.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Elin Nordegren jokes, Janice Hough, Penn State jokes, Sandusky jokes, Tiger's ex wife jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
January 6, 2012
All these candidates, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, Herman Cain, etc who said God told them to run. Is it possible that God just really wants to make sure Barack Obama gets re-elected?
–
Or maybe God just needs a new cellphone plan?
–
But really, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain all actually said God told them to run for President. Maybe the one with the direct line to God is really Jon Stewart.
–
–
John McCain attacked Newt Gingrich for his recent attack on Romney – “I don’t think it’s appropriate to call your opponent a liar.” Actually, both McCain and Gingrich should be experts on the subject of lying – or does “Honey, I’ve been working late, I’ll be right home” not count?
–
The Cubs have traded Carlos Zambrano to the Marlins. The deal requires Chicago to pay most of the temperamental pitcher’s salary, along presumably with money to cover the costs of increased clubhouse security.
–
A friend sent me a message pointing out that Carlos Zambrano and Ozzie Guillen will now be in the same clubhouse. Wow. This means the Marlins could become the first MLB team with thermonuclear capability.
–
Albert Pujols has signed a guaranteed 10 year $250 million deal at the age of 32, though some say he may be older. Which probably means that the Angels are paying big $$ to get at least a few really good years now, and will continue to pay when things fall apart. Sort of like an old rich guy marrying a trophy wife without a prenup.
–
My friend Dallas forwards me this quote (he attributed it to Special Agent Mulder from the X-Files, but the original quote was from to Hungarian psychiatrist and SUNY professor Thomas S.Szasz.) “If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.””
–
No argument here with Senator John McCain, who made this statement (no joke) at a rally tonight for Mitt Romney. “I am confident, with the leadership and the backing of the American people, President Obama will turn this country around.”
–
The Boston Globe endorsed Jon Huntsman for the GOP Presidental nomination. Wonder if they would have endorsed the man Mitt Romney was as Governor of Massachusetts.
–
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren bought a $12 million mansion in North Palm Beach, Florida after her divorce, and has now demolished the place to build something new. Talk about class warfare, this is the kind of behavior that inflames the 1 percent against the 0.1 percent.
–
According to USA Today, automakers are trying to outdo each other in apps for their cars, so that drivers can have more and more of the same apps that they have on their smart phones. What could possibly go wrong?
–
Rick Santorum is now saying Congress should take President Obama to court for his recess appointments for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and the NLRB. (On the second, he appointed 2 Dems and 1 Republican, to keep a quorum.)
Fine, but where was Santorum when George W. Bush made his 171 recess appointments? Obama so far has made 28.
–
Casey Anthony has now come out with a new look (short blond hair) and a public video diary. What, was she upset Jerry Sandusky was getting all the attention?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Casey Anthony jokes, GOP primary jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Zambrano jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
January 5, 2012
Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.
–
Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.
–
Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.
–
Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?
–
The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.
–
In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.
–
Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.
–
Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.
–
Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.
–
Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”
–
Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?
–
ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow
–
From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”
–
Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”
“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?
–
In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachmann jokes, Iowa Caucus jokes, Iowa jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Stanford jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 