Archive for June 2015

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D’oh

June 10, 2015

Rumor has it that Homer and Marge Simpson will “legally separate” in this season’s premier of the long running cartoon show. Wow. The damage that legalizing gay marriage does to traditional marriage knows no bounds.

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The South’s Royal palace. Home of “the King.”. (No, it’s not Lebron.)

 

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graceland

 

Elvis Presley was 25 when he met and started hanging out with his future wife. She was 14. ‪#‎differenttimes‬

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So the way the Cleveland Cavaliers are dropping like flies how long until Lebron James puts an ad on Craigslist for potential game 6 or 7 teammates?

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Elon Musk says that Tesla will have self-driving cars within 3 years. Wonder if the more you pay for the model the more the car will act like it’s being driven by an a**hole?

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Torii Hunter, who was thrown out of the Twins-Royals game for arguing a called third, apparently threw his batting gloves, elbow pad, shin guard AND jersey on the field after his ejection.   And here some tantrum fans worried instant replay would do away with such exhibitions.

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R.I.P Vincent Musetto, 74.   Who?   Musetto was a retired NY Post editor. Who might have written  the best headline of all time – “Headless body in topless bar.”

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Four tourists, including a brother and sister from Canada, have been arrested for stripping naked on a Malaysian mountain. Locals they say they angered the tribal spirits and caused a recent deadly earthquake, Wow. How often do you hear “Ah those ugly Canadians!”?”

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Pat Robertson, when asked why God would allow a baby to die in the hospital responded. “As far as God’s concerned, he knows the answer from the beginning. And he sees the little baby, and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler… . He could grow up to be some serial killer. Or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease. God sees all that. And for that life to be terminated when he’s still a baby, he’s going to be with God forever in heaven. And that isn’t a bad thing.”

How come people like Robertson never use that line of reasoning with abortions?

 

 

No Panda, no Morse. No power free agent signing. Did someone forget to tell the SF Giants that they were supposed to play small ball?

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Hits and no hits

June 9, 2015

By the numbers.  Hits for  SF Giants pitcher  Chris Heston Tuesday night – 2.

Batters hit by Chris Heston – 3

Hits by the Mets against Chris Heston -0.

That’s some of the weirdest math you’ll see short of a politician claiming he or she can balance a budget.

 

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ did at least do their very best to make Northern California sports fans forget about basketball for Tuesday night.

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Nothing on game 3 yet, but the NBA admitted they missed some calls late in game 2 of the finals, three fouls by the Warriors and a travel by Lebron James. Shocking. The NBA still has a travelling rule?

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Not sure who’s going to the bullpen or the minors if and when Peavy and or Cain come back this year for ‪#‎SFGiants‬. But Chris Heston just made a pretty good case for it not being him.

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U.S airlines are thinking of reducing carry-on bag sizes from a maximum 22 inches by 14 inches by 9 inches, to 21.5 inches tall by 13.5 inches wide by 7.5 inches. Which should produce many millions in more revenue. If not from checked bag fees than from commission from luggage makers when Americans need to buy new bags.

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One thought about this Texas pool party video. At this point, is there a police officer alive, and for that matter a partying teenager, who shouldn’t know by now that EVERYTHING is likely to be on SOMEONE’s camera phone video?

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As of July 9, Carnival Cruise Lines will ban passengers from bringing any bottled drinks on ship. Carnival says the ban is to limit the smuggling of alcoholic beverages on board for “multiple issues.” As in the multiple times a day they want to sell you booze aboard ship.

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Bob Baffert said of American Pharoah, the horse won’t race next year, but he can have sex with 200 mares in a short period of time….he’ll have a great life” Right, especially since unlike most top athletes, Pharoah won’t have to keep dealing with his baby mamas and child support.

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A federal court has upheld new very restrictive Texas laws that will force half the state’s abortion clinics to close. Well, it’s a good thing that Texas has some of the most generous welfare laws in the country so all those women who can’t get abortions will be able to get financial help with their unplanned-for children….. Oops, never mind.

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Franklin Graham, son of Billy, and head of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association wants his followers to boycott Wells Fargo over an ad with a gay couple in it, saying the bank is “promoting a Godless lifestyle. ” And “Let’s just stop doing business with those who promote sin and stand against Almighty God’s laws and His standards. ” Uh, if we’re talking banks in general, what about that stuff on usury?

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Mike Huckabee is still defending the Duggar family, saying that the “media has exploited them.” Uh, Governor, if it weren’t for the media, TLC, magazines etc, none of us would have heard of the family in the first place, and Josh might have spent some time in juvenile hall.

 

Finally, from Henry Schulman in the SF Chronicle, for those who don’t live in the SF Bay Area:  “Chris Heston threw the 110th and final pitch of the best game of his life, slammed his right hand into his glove, exhaled a huge puff of air and started to walk the wrong way.

No, Mr. Heston, when you throw a no-hitter, you do not step toward the dugout. You immediately face the plate to get your Buster Hug. That is well-established now on a team that has become synonymous with this difficult and revered baseball achievement.”

(and yes, Heston finally figured it out.)

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Let him out.

June 8, 2015


Many of my friends and readers will be too young. But some of us will remember an old bad phone prank.

 

princealbert

 

With the votes counted as of today, seven Kansas City Royals on track to start this year’s All-Star Game. Guessing most Americans couldn’t NAME seven Kansas City Royals.

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A semi-truck carrying 2,200 piglets tipped over on an Southern Ohio highway, and while no injuries were reported, local police and fire crews are trying to corral the baby pigs running around the county. And wonder how many people are trying to option thescreenplay? ‪#‎MFpigletsonMFhighway‬?

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The New England Patriots have released LB Brandon Spikes today after his damaged and abandoned Mercedes was found about 3:30a Sunday morning in Foxborough. How long until driving your own car becomes as forbidden in the NFL as taking steroids?

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A new study indicates that schizophrenia is more prevalent in people who grew up with cats at home, and some scientists think this could be explained by a parasite called “toxoplasma gondi” that can be found in cat litter boxes. Or it could be explained by being raised by crazy cat ladies.

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At MetLife stadium, NJ State Police arrested a number of people and had to use tear gas after a riot broke out when they closed the gates early to a Summer Jam 2015 concert, keeping both un-ticketed and ticketed fans outside. It was a lot more action than the stadium normally sees with the Jets

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All these GOP candidates juggling potential Presidential campaign announcement dates and trying to make sure they stand out and look good. it’s almost like a bunch of girls trying to pick that singular prom dress.

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Wawrinka vs. Djokovic for the men’s French Open final was not exactly most fans’ dream. “You’re telling us,” said hundreds of copy editors.

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Triple Crown winning jockey Victor Espinoza threw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium yesterday and got it all the way to the plate. If he were a lefty the Yanks might have signed him.

(my friend Bruce reminds me that that the Dodgers also need short relief.)

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A parole board is recommending Oscar Pistorius be released from prison in August, 10 months after he started serving a 6 year term for killing his girlfriend. 10 months?! With parole boards like this who needs Los Angeles juries?

 

 

 

From my (Jewish) friend Alex Kaseberg,    “Jerry Seinfeld told ESPN radio he thought political correctness could destroy comedy. But what does that crazy Jew know?”

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Ain’t seen nothing yet?

June 7, 2015

Apparently many politicians in Morocco are upset after Jennifer Lopez’s televised concert from Rabat, because of her skimpy clothing and “suggestive poses” on stage. And an education group is suing the singer for “‘disturbing public order and tarnishing women’s honor and respect.” Uh, did anyone in the country ever watch J Lo before they invited her to perform?

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New 49ers’ DT Darnell Dockett, indicating he is not worried about all the SF retirements and coaching changes, tweeted “Don’t ask me about who’s retired and what’s going on with football this and that…. We will still WIN! Just watch! ‪#‎savage‬ ‪#‎adversity‬” The 49ers will still win!? Yeah, probably at least one or two games.

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Some think we now need netting all the way around the baseball diamonds to prevent incidents like that woman being badly hurt by a broken bat at Fenway Park. But fans are injured in traffic and pedestrian accidents going to and from games all the time. And while we’re at it, what about the health risks from some of those insane ballpark foods? ‪

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Two convicted killers escaped from a maximum security prison in upstate New York that hadn’t been breached in 150 years. So what will come first, their capture, or the made-for-TV movie?

 

Lindsey Graham just said “If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she is welcome in my party.” Some statements really don’t need a punchline.

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#‎HopeSolo‬ is not exactly giving women athletes the kind of equality with male athletes they had hoped to achieve….

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SF Giants have finally been tabbed for June 21 for their first nationally televised Sunday Night Baseball game of the year on ESPN. Well, based on last year’s performance, not like the network figured fans across the U.S. would have any interest in seeing the team… ‪#‎whatEastCoastbias‬?

 

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Texas just legalized carrying firearms on public university campus. As if drunken frat parties weren’t exciting enough already.

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You sort of wonder, watching Lebron James playing the Warriors pretty even so far all by himself, how did the San Antonio Spurs ever beat the Heat last year?

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Thirty seven years…..

June 6, 2015

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Not sure what’s harder to believe, 37 years since the last Triple Crown.  Or how old I’ll be if it’s 37 years until the next one.

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Millions of course for this win for the owner, trainer and jockey. For American Pharoah… .all the mares he wants.  A lot of men are thinking, not a bad deal.

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As if spelling in the US wasn’t bad enough, millions of children will grow up never learning how to spell Pharaoh. ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬

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Wonder how many superstitious horse owners will now deliberately try to misspell their horse’s names.

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Two women who work as costumed characters in Times Square were arrested Thursday, after “Minnie Mouse” got into a brawl with “Hello Kitty.” And how many children in the area are headed for a lifetime of therapy?

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Wow. A Fantasy Football Convention scheduled for Las Vegas was cancelled after the NFL objected, saying it violated the league’s rules about players being associated with gambling. There’s gambling around the NFL?? I’m shocked, shocked.

(Actually I’m more shocked the NFL could say this with a straight face.)

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The Westboro Baptist Church picketed Beau Biden’s funeral. Can we just tell all ISIS sympathizers that the WBC likes to draw Mohammad too? ‪#‎bipartisanbustohell‬.

A man was arrested today for allegedly throwing coffee at Westboro Baptist Church members who were picketing Beau Biden’s funeral. What!? Wasn’t the coffee hot enough?

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Apparently there was a rule in Louisville started in the late 18th century for town meetings – all business must be concluded before drinking could begin. Hmm, might be a good rule to apply to the U.S. Congress.

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The Duggars are now blaming the “media frenzy” as being “a thousand times worse” than their brother Josh’s abuse. Now, I feel sorry for the girls, and have no doubt this isn’t any fun for them now at all….but isn’t their family’s whole livelihood dependent on the media in the first place? ‪#‎LivebytheRealityShowDiebytheRealityShow‬

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A Delta Air Lines flight from Green Bay to Minneapolis made an emergency landing back in Green Bay after an engine was damaged by an apparent bird strike during takeoff. Delta says there were no injuries. The bird would disagree.

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Moving on.

June 5, 2015

Anthony Davis, 25, retired today, the fourth SF 49er to quit football this offseason. And 49ers season ticket holders are thinking – you can do that?

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One of the Republicans supporting President Obama’s efforts to normalize relations with Cuba is South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford, who has filed a bill to remove all travel restrictions to the island for Americans. Hmm…. because maybe Sanford thinks some day he might to need to hike there?

 

Brittney Griner filed for an annulment after only being married for 28 days to fellow WNBA star Glory Johnson. As if anyone had any doubt that gay celebrity marriages weren’t really that different from straight ones.

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God Bless Texas. As Hillary Clinton pointed out, a student ID is not sufficient proof of identity to vote…. but a gun permit qualifies.

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Meanwhile, U.S. officials are saying that Chinese hackers have hacked into the computer networks of the U.S. government personnel office and may have personal information on over 4 million people. Maybe Hillary Clinton’s use of private email server was a lot smarter than we gave her credit for.

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Rick Perry in his Presidential race announcement “We must do right, and risk the consequences.” Anyone but me hear “do right” in connection with Rick Perry and think of “Dudley?”

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And we thought he had crazy talk about Cuba: Here’s Marco Rubio on Fox News, talking about Iraq, and insisting he doesn’t advocate “nation-building.” “It’s not nation-building. We are assisting them in building their nation.”

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Yahoo says it is shutting down Yahoo maps. Shocking. Yahoo still had maps?

 

This might be my favorite story of the week. With all the millions we are spending on trying to track ISIS, the US was able to destroy one of their buildings after Florida airmen noticed one of the terrorists had posted a selfie from a recognizable location. Even those 72 virgins will be telling this guy he’s an idiot.

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Hunter Pence was out for tonight’s SF Giants game with tendinitis in his wrist. Let’s hope he didn’t hurt it trying to figure out how to put on a suit for the White House. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

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But really, anyone but me kind of hope the Secret Service doesn’t notice this picture of Hunter Pence before the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ play in Washington, D.C. on July 4th weekend? ‪#‎stillcrazyafteralltheseyears‬

hunter

With all the hype over Caitlyn Jenner, who looks like a beautiful movie star, have to wonder, what would be the reaction if the star she looked like was say, the late Phyllis Diller?

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Jessa Duggar, now married, defended her brother’s alleged sexual abuse as “mild, inappropriate touching.” Uh, if you were allowed only side-hugs and no kisses until marriage, how the heck would you know what “mild. inappropriate touching” was?

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Counting crows?

June 4, 2015

So if it’s a pack of wolves, a murder of crows, what do you call all these wealthy people running for President in 2016? I’m thinking “an embarrassment of riches.”

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Okay, giving the Duggars every benefit of the doubt and then some…. As Jim Bob excuses his son by saying it was a (14-15 year old) “child preying on a child.” And “there were a couple of instances where he touched them under their clothes, but it was like a few seconds.” Just trying to imagine their reaction if this “child” was a boy dating one of their “side-hug” only daughters.

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A lot of conservatives are having problems with this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing. On one hand, they have issues with the idea of transgender people. On the other hand, the fact that Caitlyn will make more $$$ than Bruce ever did is ammunition for their belief that we don’t need laws requiring equal pay for women.

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Sarah Palin has weighed in and blamed the Duggar family uproar on the “liberal media.” So congrats to all those who had June 4 in the pool.

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The SF Giants went back to the White House Thursday to meet the President. Their first visit was in 2011. Wonder after that first meeting if the Giants or Obama were more surprised that the other was back there in 2015.

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Apparently Lincecum missed the SF Giants’ White House visit today because he had gone ahead to Philadelphia to get ready to face the Phillies tomorrow. What a shame, Timmy was the one Giant who could have done some serious lobbying with Obama for marijuana legalization. ‪#‎letTimmysmoke‬

 

President Obama today as the SF Giants visited the White House for the third time in five years, “I mean, the truth is, it seems like if they get in, they’ll probably win it.” Clearly the same mantra dozens of candidates are using for the 2016 Presidential election.

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At this point wouldn’t it be simpler and faster for all Republicans who AREN’T running for President to announce it?

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Airline delay excuse of the day. On United a client reports lead flight attendant sliced his finger, had to get stitches so they had to get another attendant. Uh, wasn’t one of the points of TSA to take care of all the sharp objects?

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Rick Perry is running for President again. And he’s smarter this time, because he has glasses. No doubt he’ll tell us three, or at least two reasons why….

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John Bowlen, son of Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen, was arrested last night on domestic violence charges, following on John Elway’s son Jack’s arrest for domestic violence last year. Sounds like these guys are trying a little too hard to act like they fit in with NFL players.

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The NCAA has charged UNC with five major violations connected to the school’s long-running academic fraud scandal. Now let’s see how they come up with “severe” punishments that don’t keep the men’s basketball team out of March Madness.

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Preach it.

June 3, 2015

The Duggars’ Arkansas pastor said that Caitlyn Jenner’s sex change is an example of the “moral unraveling” of America, but Josh Duggar’s child molestation can be “forgiven” by God. And that ladies and gentleman, tells you all you need to know about why Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptists.

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Jessa Duggar, 22, is defending her brother “‘I do want to speak up in his defense against people who are calling him a child molester or a pedophile or a rapist, some people are saying. I’m like that is so overboard and a lie really, I mean people get mad at me for saying that but I can say this because I was one of the victims.”

And some people think being raised by a loving gay couple results in a child growing up with a warped perspective.

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Taco Bell will start serving alcohol for the first time in the U.S. at one of their Chicago locations. Wouldn’t it be a more symbiotic relationship if they started selling marijuana?

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Lincoln Chafee, in announcing he has joined the 2016 Presidential Race. “I enjoy challenges.” Even Cubs fans are thinking “What is that man smoking?”

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#‎SFGiants‬ have lost five games in a row in advance of today’s ‪#‎WhiteHouse‬ visit. ‪#‎IBlameObama‬

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Oops, a Pentagon official has admitted that at least four batches of anthrax samples shipped from a military lab to labs in 12 states, plus DC and three countries, mistakenly contained live spores. They are trying to figure out why. Once again, showing that for all the worries about terrorism, we have more to fear from good old-fashioned stupidity.

 

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You know there MIGHT be too long a layoff before the NBA finals for the media when a headline today talks about Lebron James saying he loves “Pitch Perfect 2” and that  he thinks “Fat Amy” is awesome. ‪#‎SuperBowlmediaweekthesequel‬

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No Darwin Award because he was only arrested and not even injured. But he gave it 100% effort. A man who parked his car across a state road in Pennsylvania and set up a fake DUI checkpoint at 4am Saturday, complete with flares, allegedly was drunk himself. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Tampa Bay Lightning management said that anyone buying premium seats near the rink for the opening game of the Stanley Cup Final MUST wear team or neutral colors. And a lot of rich people in Florida were going “So what are our colors?”

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Dick Cheney recently showed a WSJ reporter the cover of his truck trailer hitch, which features a picture of Darth Vader. Adding “I’m rather proud of that.” “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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You think you’re having a bad day at work. You could have worked for Southwest at the airport Wed.  A fare sale and high traffic crashed the website. So  ALL computers were down for hours with no scheduled up time. In an electronic ticket age. ‪#‎wannagetaway

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Meanwhile, Delta is testing “Early Valet” carry-on service., where airline employees can take passengers’ bags at the gate and put them above their assigned seats. So how long until they charge for guaranteed overhead bin space?

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American Airlines retirees are complaining that after merging with US AIrways, retired employees now get a standby priority below current employees. One woman, who retired in 1995, angrily told a reporter that some retirees are even buying tickets on other airlines. And this is supposed to upset American how?

 

 

United Airlines temporarily grounded ALL flights this morning for 30 minutes this morning over “automation issues.” Flights have resumed and to ensure it doesn’t happen again the airline will no doubt soon announce a computer maintenance fee.

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From Marc Ragovin;   “A Fargo, North Dakota man has been convicted of driving a zamboni while intoxicated at a girls hockey game in January and sentenced to nine days in jail. Witnesses called the police when he was observed repeatedly driving straight.”

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The ice have it

June 2, 2015

The Stanley Cup Finals between the Blackhawks and the Lightning start Wednesday night in Tampa.   Scalpers should have a field day.  If for no other reason than when it’s 90 degrees and 90 percent humidity, ANY excuse to sit inside with ice should be a hot ticket.

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Not saying Florida isn’t exactly a hockey mecca.  But when random Floridians were asked if they were watching the Lightning,  most of them responded “I didn’t even hear the thunder.”

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Sepp Blatter is retiring as President of FIFA, Translation, one of the officials arrested has made an immunity plea deal.

 

June 5 is National Doughnut Day, so Dunkin’ Donuts and Krispy Kreme will give away freebies on Friday. Wonder how much of the cost will be underwritten by Weight Watchers?

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As this FIFA mess expands, you’d think that if they really wanted to do corruption on a grand scale and not be caught, these international football types would have hired someone from America’s NCAA.

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So is everyone at FIFA in Sepp-tic shock? ‪#‎Blatter‬

 

Two months into a seven month abalone season, the sixth person this year has died while diving for the precious mollusk off the Northern California coast, How long until the NRA calls for divers to be armed?

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Now Ohio governor John Kasich is heading to Iowa to make a speech to an economic development group in Des Moines At this point if all those ballplayers tried to come out of the cornfields they’d trip over presidential candidates.

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Mike Huckabee, dismissing trangenders. “Now, I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE. I’m pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, ‘Coach, I think I’d rather shower with the girls today.'”

Kind of makes sense that some of these clowns don’t believe in evolution. Because they are their own best argument against it. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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So the Duggars are apparently TLC’s 5th reality show hild molestation scandal, following issues with “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo,” “Sons of Guns,” “Cheer Perfection,”, and “Cake Boss.” Who knew that TLC stood for “Touching Little Children?”

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An official at Poly Prep, an expensive private NYC school, has been placed on indefinite leave after reports that he included alcohol, cigars and hookers on a trip to Cuba for students. Meanwhile, have to wonder how many boys have been pleading with their parents to let them apply to the school.

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So the American tourist killed by a lion in the South African Safari Park was taking pictures with all the windows down when she was attacked. Wonder if the lion was hungry, or if big cats too have had enough of selfie sticks?

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Another thought on the woman mauled to death by a lion at a Safari Park. Sad that she died just for rolling down a window. On the other hand, as anyone who has cats knows, you can store their favorite food indefinitely in the house…but open a can where they can smell it, and it’s all over.

 

 

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I’m going to take my plan and go home?

June 1, 2015

Donald Trump, who is expected to formally announce later this month that he is running for President, told an interviewer “I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”

When asked what it was, the Donald replied. “If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: “Wow, what a great idea.” You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.”

So if Trump doesn’t get elected he’s not going to tell the world ever as punishment for regretting him?

 

Bruce Jenner has announced that as a woman she will be known as Caitlyn, and appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with gorgeous auburn tresses. Well, fortunately there’s enough money in the family Caitlyn will never need to have a bad hair day.

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Have to root for ‪#‎CaitlynJenner‬ if for no other reason than she appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s latest pregnancy out of the headlines.

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The Surpreme Court rules in favor of a young Muslim woman who sued Abercrombie and Fitch when they didn’t hire her because she said she had to wear a head scarf. Good for the Court. But have to wonder, if you are religious enough to wear a hijab, why would you want to work at Abercrombie and Fitch?

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An American woman was killed at a South African Safari Park when she and her husband ignored signs and written instructions NOT to drive through with their car windows open, and she was bitten by a lion. An Australian man survived a lion bite in March when he too drove through with a window open.

Perhaps the Safari Park needs to change their strategy. Instead of warnings, just post “Visitors who drive through with open windows will reduce our lion food bill.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

CNN points out that Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected President since 1886. And that Grover Cleveland was accused of having a “love child.” Actually might help Graham to have rumors of an illegitimate kid.

 

 

 

KFC is suing some Chinese companies and demanding an apology over a social media campaign against KFC food, including a rumor that their chickens are genetically modified to have six wings and eight legs. But really, who would believe that KFC uses actual chicken?

 

 

 

 

After TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs in 67 out of 70 test cases, the acting head of the agency was reassigned. Homeland Security officials said in a statement – “The numbers in these reports never look good out of context.” Uh, is there a context in which a 95% failure rate looks good?

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Buster Posey was called out on a play at ‪#‎AT&TPark‬ where a Pirates fan was ruled to have interfered with a PITTSBURGH rightfielder’s attempt to catch a ball that might or might not have been catchable. Hmm… interesting potential strategy for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans on the road.

 

 

An optimistic note from Bill Littlejohn  “Husband and wife Tony and Janet Blundy recently made back-to-back holes in one, a feat estimated at odds of 50,000,000-to-one. So, you see—there’s still hope for Tim Tebow.”

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