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Lost?

November 28, 2012

The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.

 

Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.

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Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.

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Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…

 

Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.

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First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?

 

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The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.

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Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their  crosstown rivals?

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When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….

 

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Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?

 

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The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.

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Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.

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Winning?

November 25, 2012

Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.

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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?

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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.

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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”

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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.

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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.

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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?

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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.

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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?”   (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish)  Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.

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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….

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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.

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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)

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Halloween…

October 31, 2012

And it’s only the first game of the season, but looks like the Washington Wizards are doing their annual act of dressing up like an NBA team.

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All that money, all those stars, and the Lakers looked pretty flat.on opening night. Well, at least it takes the Los Angeles spotlight off the Dodgers.

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Just MAYBE these seasons combined with postseason games are getting too long? If the SF Giants hadn’t swept the Detroit Tigers the World Series would be overlapping the NBA openers.

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Meanwhile on Halloween, Mitt Romney is trying to decide whether to go as a Liberal, a Conservative or a Moderate. In other words,  just another day.

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In Alaska this past weekend, Levi Johnston married his second baby mama, Sunny Oglesby. So where’s Sarah Palin congratulating the father of her grandson on his belated family values?

 

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As the power stays off in much of the East Coast, wonder how many younger people are wishing if only there was a material you could use to make something to read or do puzzles on,  and that didn’t have to be charged or plugged into the wall.

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As the East Coast tries to recover from Sandy, your tax dollars at work out west: Nayda Suleman has checked into a Southern California Rehab clinic for 28 days to deal with a Xanax addiction….

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Well, at least he’s consistent. W’s FEMA director Michael Brown on Monday said President Obama acted too quickly in mobilizing relief for Sandy: “It’s premature [when] the brunt of the storm won’t happen until later this afternoon.”

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So wonder how long after the election it will take Donald Trump to file bankruptcy and ask for federal relief from Obama for his Atlantic City and New York properties?

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The NCAA says they have passed tougher sanctions to crack down harder on rule-breakers. Great, even more punishment for schools and athletes who get left behind when the cheaters go to another school or the NFL.

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George Lucas has agreed to sell Lucasfilm to Disney for $4.05 billion. Insert “dark side” joke here:

 

 

 

From T.C. “What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner?  Felix landed on his feet.”

 

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Really? Some have been criticizing President Obama because the speed of his investigation into Benghazi hasn’t been as swift as his response to Hurricane Sandy. Uh, maybe because there is a difference between a rush to judgment and a rush to put people’s lives back together?

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On and off the level.

June 21, 2012

The BCS commissioners along with Notre Dame’s AD say they are working on a 4 team playoff for a football national championship . Presumably they will release the format as soon as they decide whether the Fighting Irish should be eligible with 3 or as many as 4 losses.

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The WBO review had all 5 judges on their review agree Manny Pacquiao beat Timothy Bradley’s. but they will not overturn the official result. And Pacquiao himself says he prefers a rematch over a reversal. Which will net all involved millions of dollars. How could anyone imagine that boxing is fixed?

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Wednesday afternoon score – Arizona 14, Seattle 10. So who started the NFL preseason when I wasn’t looking? –

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Mitt Romney’s sons said tonight on Conan they tried to convince their dad not to run. So Mitt wants us to believe he’ll listen to ordinary Americans? He won’t even listen to his family.

 

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Larry Ellison has purchased 98% of the island of Lanai. Wonder how long it will take for him to announce his plans for domination of the other Hawaiian islands?

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Cory Booker was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno this week.  Booker, the charismatic mayor of Newark,  achieved superhero status in many minds when he ran into a burning building to save a woman.

Of course,  if President Obama had done the same thing,  Republicans would accuse him of  too much government involvement interfering with hardworking firefighters.

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More in the “Crazy States Derby:” Arizona making a move with Sec. of State Ken Bennett, modifying the birther controversy: “I actually think he (Obama) was fibbing about being born in Kenya when he was trying to get into college and doing things like writing a book and on and on and on.”

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UConn is the only major men’s basketball program among 7 who are ineligble for post-season play based on low APRs (Academic Progress Rate). Only Hampton, North Carolina A & T and Texas Southern are banned in football. So the rest of the schools are doing fine with their student athletes….? Wonder how the NCAA sent out the press release with a straight face.

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Oil prices fell to an eight-month low today. Wonder which airline will be the first to somehow figure out a way to use that news to raise the fuel surcharge. –

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After New York mayor Bloomberg proposed a ban on large sugary sodas, the mayor of Cambridge, Mass. announced she wants to ban both large sugary beverages AND free refills. Your move, San Francisco.

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Drew Brees is being criticized for tweeting “If NFL fans were told there were ‘weapons of mass destruction’ enough times, they’d believe it.” Maybe what Brees should have tweeted was that Goodell thinks by punishing the Saints his campaign to stop players attempting deliberately injuring each other will be “mission accomplished.”

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Semantic Saturday

April 21, 2012

Mass. Senator Scott Brown said he’s given up alcohol until the election, and hasn’t had anything to drink since Jan. 1. But last week he was sampling beer with a reporter at a small brewery. Guess it depends what the definition of drink is.

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One of the Secret Service agents who has resigned in the recent prostitute scandal formerly supervised the agency’s canine training unit near D.C. Well, it takes a dog to know a dog.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun inside the museum today. Was he dreaming of being a New York Jet?

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Sarah Palin is upset because a Secret Service man said he was “checking her out.” Another thing that wouldn’t have happened under Bill Clinton. Then checking out women was the President’s job.

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Well, if nothing else we’ve learned one thing this week – it’s time for the Secret Service to increase their recruitment of women.

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GOP Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels said this week that Mitt Romney’s White House campaign was too negative, saying “You have to campaign to govern, not just to win.” Showing again why Daniels was about as likely as Jon Huntsman to make to through a Republican primary.

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Regarding the mini-controversy about the Secret Secret agent who was “checking out” Sarah Palin – have to think the McCain campaign wishes they had checked her out a little more before putting her on the ticket,

An Oxnard, California teacher who was fired for her work as a porn actress has hired a lawyer to fight her dismissal. Hundreds of fathers rushed to her defense, saying “We need to see more evidence.”

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NCAA president Mark Emmert, finding the positive in the scandals that have resulted in the firing of so many big-time coaches. . “You’re seeing boards of directors, of trustees, presidents and ADs saying ‘You know you’ve done a great job here. We love you. We pay you really well. You get all this adoration. You’ve got to live by the rules.'” Or at least not get caught.

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And really, regarding Bobby Petrino, was he really fired for being a douchebag who cheated on his wife and pulled strings to hire his underqualifed 25 year old mistress? Or was he fired in the end for being a lousy motorcycle rider?

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Parents are apparently suing Apple because kids who have their folks’ passwords are racking up big bills buying game add-ons while playing ostensibly free iPhone games. Uh, wouldn’t it be simpler not to give your child your password in the first place?

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US Airways is moving closer to a merger with American Airlines. In hopes of actually proving that two wrongs can make a right.

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Fenway Park is 100 years old today. Wow. When it opened those “Cubs World Champions” shirts had barely faded at all.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A ten-year old boy at an Indianapolis Olive Garden was accidentally served a fruit daiquiri with rum instead of the smoothie he had ordered. Shocking, there’s an Olive Garden that actually puts rum in their fruit daiquiris?

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Dwight Howard will have season-ending surgery. Which means for the Magic he will now definitely be about as much of a factor as they expected in the playoffs.

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And Howard allegedly said before his injury that he would never play again for coach Van Gundy. Maybe God thought “that can be arranged.”

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Still looking for some top ten “How old is Jamie Moyer” suggestions.

The ageless one is pitching Monday. So technically shouldn’t every time Moyer pitches be “Turn back the Clock” night?

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Bowling for dollars?

December 22, 2011

An Arizona prosecutor decided not to prosecute any of the 31 politicians and 3 lobbyists for accepting free game tickets and/or trips from the Fiesta Bowl. (He blames this on “complex and contradictory” laws.) Proving once again, the only people who get punished for bad college football behavior are future players.

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Yale football coach Tom Williams resigned after the school investigated whether he lied on his resume about being a Rhodes Scholarship finalist at Stanford. The coach now admits he never applied for the scholarship. A matter of honor, or a matter that in Willams’ tenure, the Bulldogs were 16-14, but 0-3 against Harvard?

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TCU, who just missed a BCS bid, plays Wednesday against Louisiana Tech in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, at “Snapdragon by Qualcomm Stadium”. (Really.) The full title may take longer to say than the most people cared about the game.

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Ah technology. Golden State Warriors guard Monta Ellis is the latest to be accused of sending a woman unwanted sexts including a photo of his genitalia. Reminds me of something my friend Alex Kaseberg said, paraphrased it’s “Doesn’t matter if you’re an athlete, a politician or a rock star, NO WOMAN wants to see a picture of your junk.”

It is enough to make many famous men long for the old pre-cellphone days, when at least cheating could be done with plausible deniability.

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White Castle is doing a one-restaurant experiment in Lafayette, Indiana of serving beer and wine with their burgers. The chain may have the sequence backwards, it’s usually only AFTER drinking that White Castle sounds good.

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“Restore Our Future” is an independent PAC supporting Mitt Romney by running negative ads against Newt Gingrich. “Restore Our Future?” Many in Massachusetts wish they could just restore the old Mitt Romney.

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Sarah (remember me?) Palin is criticizing the White House Christmas card.. Instead of highlighting “family, faith and freedom, it just shows the Obama’s dog, Bo, in a room decorated for Christmas, with the message “From our family to yours, may your holidays shine with the light of the season.” Maybe Obama chose to feature Bo because he has the family’s highest approval ratings?

An Iowa voter reportedly referred to Newt Gingrich as a “f-cking a–hole.” No word on whether it was one of his ex-wives.

Aaron Rodgers won the AP 2011 Male Athlete of the Year. Presumably vote taken before last week’s Chiefs game. Packers fans are hoping it’s not a SI Cover type jinx.

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Must be hard than we thought to make ends meet as a retired NFL Superstar. Here’s what Joe Montana is up to Jan 12. (thru Living Social) “Joe Montana Fan Experience, 1.5 hours, Two Drinks, Two Raffle Tickets, and Food ($119); with Signed Photo of Joe Montana ($199); or with Signed Photo and 30-Minute VIP Meet and Greet and Photo with Joe Montana ($399)

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Washington, D.C., Christmas verse – Twas almost the night before the payroll tax break expired, and all through the House, not a creature was stirring, not even a Louse.

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From Marc Ragovin: Gary Johnson switichng from the GOP to the Libertarian primary will have as much impact as the Astros switching from the NL to the AL

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Herman, we liked you better when we hardly knew ye….

December 2, 2011

Newsmax, a conservative website, has asked Donald Trump to moderate their upcoming GOP presidential debate. Is this because thinking conservatives are looking at their choices and want someone to tell most of them “You’re fired?

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The Manchester Union-Leader said of Herman Cain, that he shows “a lack of self-awareness that should give any supporter pause.” Really? And this is the newspaper whose candidate defends marriage while having three wives, and decries lobbyists while having made $1.6 million from “consulting for Freddie Mac…

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With both his image and campaign in jeopardy, Herman Cain has launched a new website for testimonials called “Women for Herman Cain.” Hmm, wonder if the site is going to be an endorsement list, or a menu?

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Herman Cain said that his wife “now knows” about the money he gave Ginger White, and that “My wife understands that I’m a soft-hearted, giving person.” Uh, Herman, the “soft” part of your anatomy she may understand, it’s the hard part that may be an issue.

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USA Today has a list of the bonuses many college football coaches get for taking their teams to various championships and bowl games. Suppose it’s naive to be disappointed there are no bonuses listed for actually getting a certain percentage of your players to graduate…

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Britney Spears turned 30 today. So maybe there’s hope for Lindsay Lohan making it that far.

(for Britney’s 30 birthday party, wonder if she has decided to be responsible and have her children drive her home?)

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A windstorm in Northern California earlier this week has resulted in over 20,000 residents still being without power. On a brighter note, they were all named honorary San Francisco Giants.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Stevie Wonder wants to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Ew, I just don’t think that will work; not because Stevie is blind, because he is an actual star.”

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The Philadelphia Eagles are now 4-8. And in Miami they’re sniggering “Well at least our “Dream Team” made it to the playoffs.
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From Bill Littlejohn, on former quarterback and fellow evangelist Kurt Warner offering spiritual advice to Tim Tebow: “Learn how to throw, will ya?’’

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Send in the Clowns.

November 12, 2011

Ironically, Rick Perry’s only being able to remember two of the three Departments he wanted to cut may end up benefiting… Newt Gingrich? A man who so far has forgotten two of the three times he said that “death do us part” stuff.

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A new book “Election 2012: The Battle Begins” says that Newt Gingrich’s current wife, Callista, didn’t want him to run for President. But he bought her off with a cruise and over $1 million in Tiffany’s jewelry. Guess Newt has learned, it was cheaper than alimony.

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In Montague, Michigan, city officials declared challenger Kevin Erb, 32, the new mayor, after they determined that the votes for winning incumbent Henry Roesler Jr., 84. don’t officially count. Since Roesler died a week before the election. Makes no sense. A lack of signs of life hasn’t hurt Mitt Romney in the polls yet.

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Herman Cain was joking yesterday about Anita Hill endorsing him. Not to say Cain doesn’t get it but what’s next? Asking Letterman if he can come on with his “Top Ten Pickup Lines?

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Cain was actually hinting Friday that he thinks he might be Romney’s running mate. And well, Herman does have something Mitt doesn’t have – a discernable pulse.

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Congratuations to Rick Perry. How many people thought just a month or two ago that it would be possible to take the title away from Michele Bachmann as the dimmest bulb in the race.?

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Meanwhile, some pundits are commenting on Obama’s apparent lack of a re-election campaign strategy. But actually the President has what he thinks is a very effective plan – “regular GOP debates.”

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Regarding Joe Paterno, it seems quite plausible that he is a man who has done much good in his life, but made one unforgivable moral mistake. Before we say that negates Joe Pa’s entire legacy, Americans should remember Ted Kennedy.

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TMZ reports that a Los Angeles school is in denial mode after a former porn legend, Sasha Grey, read children’s books to first graders last week. Apparently some parents complained. One question, how did they recognize the name?

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In the Pac 12, Stanford’s goal is to continue what they hope will be a BCS bowl run by beating Oregon. In the SEC, LSU and Alabama hope to continue their BCS bowl runs by beating Western Kentucky and Mississippi State. (And scoring a touchdown or two while they’re at it.)

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After last week’s 9-6 LSU Alabama snoozefest, you expect students to show up with signs this weekend “Occupy the End Zone.”

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Pre-game thought: Most people who expect Oregon to beat Stanford figure it will be because of the Ducks’ speed. But the Cardinal plays on grass, it’s been raining much of Friday, and have to think coach David Shaw has told the grounds crew to turn on the sprinklers tonight.

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Change$$$.

November 2, 2011

Note in advance to readers, will probably miss a couple days of postings after tonight’s. But hope to be back by Friday. Besides the sites mentioned on my blogroll, suggest Sideline Chatter in the Seattle Times, or alwaysfunny.com.

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Bank of America retracted their proposed new monthly $5 debit fee due to customer fury. You know what that makes them? Smarter than Netflix.

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Ann Coulter just said “Our blacks are so much better than their blacks.” Adding “To become a black Republican you don’t just roll into it. You’re not going with the flow….” So would she also say about Democrats that their rich white people are so much better than GOP rich white people?

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Northern Illinois 63, Toledo 60. Did the NCAA start their basketball season without telling us?

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New England Patriots WR Julian Edelman has been charged with indecent assault and battery. This stemmed from an incident Edelman allegedly groped a woman Saturday night at a Boston bar. Guess the Patriots had trouble all weekend with their passes.

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Bobby Rush, a Democratic congressman from Illinois, said of the NCAA “I think they’re just one of the most vicious, most ruthless organizations ever created by mankind, I think you would compare (them) to Al Capone and to the Mafia.” Said the Mafia, “Please, as if we would come up with something as stupid as the BCS.”

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Herman Cain doesn’t seem to have a handle on how to handle this sexual harrassment story. Might have been better had he just responded “I suppose I should be honored that all you media types are trying to paint me as Clintonesque.”

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Kim Kardashian’s mother Kris says of her daughter “She’s not the first person in the world to get a divorce or to have something like this happen to, and she won’t be the last … People have to stop judging.” Uh, Kris, people aren’t judging Kim so much on the divorce, they’re judging her on that $10 million wedding.

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Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’ marriage, 72 days. The NBA lockout, 124 days and counting. Okay all you romantics who bet on love, time to pay up.

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Harold Camping, the 90-year-old minister/broadcaster has now incorrectly predicted the end of the world twice this year. He says now in a statement that Christ not returning on October 21 was “embarrassing for Family Radio.” In related news, God issued a statement saying Family Radio is “embarrassing for Himself and Christ.”

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Three Georgia running backs will be suspended for the Bulldogs’ game Saturday against New Mexico State, allegedly for failing a drug test. A source told ESPN that the test was administered last week, before Georgia’s 24-20 victory over arch-rival Florida, but said they had no idea if the results were known before the game. Yeah, right….

How long until some GOP presidential candidate suggests we try to fix the economy by invading Greece?

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Saturday night lights.

October 23, 2011

Congrats to St. Louis on their game three World Series 16-7 win. Not only did the Cardinals outscore the Rangers, they probably will outscore the Rams this weekend.

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Wasn’t actually able to see the Cardinals -Rangers game tonight. 16-7? Wonder how St. Louis scored their safety?

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A German satellite path is supposed to crash to Earth this weekend at over 17,098 mph. It could be the fastest most spectacular fall since Rick Perry’s post first-debate poll numbers.

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In Louisiana, voters are expected to re-elect Governor Bobby Jindal in a landslide. Of course, Jindal has an amazing first-term record by state standards – he hasn’t been arrested

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Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamalu was fined $10,000 for talking on a team cell phone in the bench area. He had sustained a mild concussion and was calling his wife to tell her he wasn’t seriously hurt. $10,000? The same or more as many unnecessary roughness penalties. Once again, NFL – No Freaking Logic..

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Regarding those three LSU starters who were suspended a game after testing positive for synthetic marijuana: I am sure it was just coincidence that the test was the week before the Tigers’ game against relatively lowly Auburn, as opposed to the game against Alabama.

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Lots of fans must have turned on Stanford-Washington football game Saturday night, and watched a track meet break out. The final score, 65-21, with Stanford rushing for 446 yards. (And the Huskies had touchdown runs of 46 and 61 yards.)

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The Washington Huskies were ranked #25 coming into tonight’s game. And Stanford won by 41 points. Will be interesting to see how the BCS uses this an an excuse to drop the Cardinal in the polls.

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Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 86, tied Eddie Robinson for all time D-1 coaching wins, with his 408th career victory Saturday night over Norhwestern.

Even more impressive than the 408 wins, Paterno can remember half of them.

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The Ineligi-Bowl and beyond.

September 18, 2011

Ohio State and Miami played Saturday in a matchup of college football powerhouses facing probation or worse due to NCAA investigations. (Inelig-Bowl is not my original phrase, but it’s an apt one.)

Miami won handily, 24-6, which brings up a paraphrase of an old rhetorical question – “If two teams play in a forest and none of it ends up counting, do we still care?”

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Tommy Lasorda gave a pep talk to the UCLA Bruins before their football game with Texas today. Sounds like the talk was about as successful as any Tommy may have made this year to the Dodgers.

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So the longest winning streak in college football belongs to…. Stanford? Yep, with 11 wins. And more impressively, all the Cardinal starters can count to 11.

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The latest college football program to have their integrity challenged – Oregon. The school has received formal notice of the NCAA investigation into their use of recruiting services. But amazingly with all these investigations, only USC so far has received a postseason ban. Of course, the NCAA is in a quandry. If they ban all the serious violators, there won’t be enough teams left to fill all the bowls.

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Ron Paul won the Republican California Straw Poll. Unfortunately for Paul, California is about as relevant to the GOP nationally as he is.

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Not to say Michele Bachmann looked awkward and uncomfortable on the Tonight Show, but in all seriousness she made last week’s guest Dick Cheney look relaxed and charming.

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You think your favorite player had a bad day – Kevin Prince of UCLA threw three interceptions in the first quarter against Texas. (In fact, he threw seven passes, three completed to his own team, three to Texas, and one incomplete.) Who does he think he is? Brett Favre?

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Did SF Giants GM Brian Sabean overpay for Miguel Tejada, Aaron Rowand and Aubrey Huff this year? Absolutely. But it could be worse. Much worse. Adam Dunn, with a $12 million salary, hit an interesting 2011 milestone last night for the Chicago White Sox – his strikeout total of 161 now matches his batting average of .161

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The current scandal in Italy is whether Premier Silvio Berlusconi may have flown prostitutes on Italian government planes. Not that this is something to brag about, but on the other hand, unlike politicians who also fly on government planes, prostitutes generally do provide value for money.

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A new study reported in the NY Times indicates that failure, and learning to overcome it, may be a secret to success. If so, some of the most successful people in the world must be Cubs fans.

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Suspended animation?

September 6, 2011

“Suspended animation.” Is that what they might call a cartoon about the 2011 Miami Hurricanes?

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The Hurricanes, with eight players suspended over a scandal about talking illegal benefits from a booster, lost to Maryland tonight, 34-32.

And many in the media were talking about bad breaks and how tough it is for the Hurricanes.

Excuse me, bad breaks are car or plane crashes, or injuries, or random illnesses. Players who have heard lectures repeatedly on NCAA rules regarding boosters and payouts, and then go out and ignore those rules? Sorry, that’s just plain stupid.

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Best sign seen in College Park on the sidelines of the Miami-Maryland game: “Two Hurricanes, One Week, No Problem.”

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The GOP candidates are just now starting to attack each other as well as President Obama. But it’s going to get worse. If the race was six months further along wonder if someone would say God sent the wildfires in Texas to get Rick Perry off the campaign trail.

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Yesterday exactly two FBS (former Division 1 football teams lost to FCS (former D1-AA) teams. Oregon State lost to Sacramento State. And Duke lost to Richmond. The Blue Devils next opponent? Stanford. Probably not the Luck they were hoping for.

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While his playing status for the Colts opener is still uncertain, Peyton Manning has been told not to practice this week or do any hard workouts. In other words, pretend he’s JaMarcus Russell.

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Michele Bachmann’s campaign manager Ed Rollins quit today, along with his deputy. Rollins said that at 68 he just “doesn’t have the stamina for 12- and 14-hour days every day of the week.” Sounds better than saying he no longer has the stamina for dealing with “bat sh*t crazy.

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Despite her anti-union record Michele Bachmann is scoffing at suggestions that she has no business celebrating Labor Day. After all, as she says “I have five children, I’ve been in labor five times.”

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The Washington Redskins have announced Rex Grossman will be their opening day starter. Which means even Republicans will soon be likely to agree that President Obama is not D.C.’s most disappointing ex-Chicagoan.

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Trivia question of the night. (No fair googling the answer.) Who was the last quarterback to start for the Colts before Peyton Manning? And no, it wasn’t Johnny Unitas.
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It’s a brave new world, or something, with all the fertility treatments now available. The NY Times reported on a group of 150 children, all conceived with sperm from one donor, where some of the mothers and kids even vacation together. Previously these sort of “extended families” existed only when the father played in the NBA.

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Maryland football uniforms must be seen to be believed. Anyone remember Julie Andrews making playclothes out of drapes in “The Sound of Music.” Maybe they hired her to turn some extra state flags into jerseys.

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Lebron James has tweeted “Maryland uniforms…. Ewwwwwww” Yeah, almost as ugly as his playoff performances in the fourth quarter.

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Call ups and kickoffs.

September 3, 2011

On a positive note for Northern California sports fans, Stanford’s football team kicks off their season today against San Jose State. And considering the way the 49ers and Raiders are playing in the pre-season, the Cardinal just might be the best team in the Bay Area.

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Meanwhile up in Eugene: QB Jeremiah Massoli was booted in 2010 after a burglary arrest, RB LaMichael James was suspended the same year over a domestic violence charge, and now QB Cliff Harris has been suspended after he was cited for driving 118 mph (and telling a state trooper on tape “there’s no marijuana, we smoked it all.”) Isn’t it time to rename the team the Oregon Bengals?

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Boise State will be without three starters for their season opener against Georgia, pending a review of those players’ NCAA eligibility. Yep, looks like the Broncos have made it to the big time.

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George W. Bush declined to criticize Dick Cheney’s book saying simply “I’m glad members of my family are giving their version of what it was like to serve our country.” Translation – “does anyone REALLY think I’ll read the thing?

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The post office is going to come out with a Ted Williams stamp. All paper cuts from licking the stamp will presumably only come from splendid splinters.

(Or as my friend Alex Schubert says, from ice crystals.)

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Sarah Palin is planning a major speech to a Tea Party rally in Iowa, which amongts other things, will be a “sharp indictment” of President Obama. Well, of course, amongst his other failings, Obama has gone past the halfway point of his term without quitting.

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GOP Candidate Ron Paul is lagging in the polls. Friday in New Hampshire he invited staffers and reporters to join him on a bike ride. During the ride, 76 year old congressman wore shorts. Please, no one give this idea to Newt Gingrich.

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For some time now, savvy travelers from the U.S. to Canada have known they could check a bag for free by booking the identical flight as Air Canada instead of their code-share partner United. Today the two carriers streamlined their policies – Air Canada will start charging too. Yeah,corporations are people. Greedy people.

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Derek Holland of the Texas Rangers has been averaging more than 7 runs of support a game when he has taken the mound in 2011. That background sound you hear is SF Giants pitchers quietly sobbing.

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Actually, the Giants, in their first game of September with the expanded rosters, actually scored some runs and beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 6-2.

Bringing up the question, why didn’t manager Bruce Bochy take a page from “50 First Dates” and set the clubhouse calendar to Sept 1 weeks ago?

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The NCAA punished UConn’s mens basketball team for rules violations and poor academic performance with a loss of scholarships. But now that star recruit Andre Drummond has at the last minute decided to skip prep school and join the Huskies, another player gave up his scholarship for him. Well, at least Drummond will only need the scholarship for a year.

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Here’s a potential solution to the “One and Done” issue in College Basketball. (A variation on the baseball model which says that college players must stay three years.) A school can give a scholarship to any star, even one they don’t think will stay. But that scholarship can’t be used again for three years, whether he leaves for the NBA or not.

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Former OSU coach Jim Tressel was just hired by the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day consultant to help determine when the team should challenge plays. Wonder if the Colts will pay him in memorabilia and tattoos?

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My friend Mark Brickman said of the current Congress: “They wouldn’t save their own mother if it somehow benefited the President.” Well, I think actually they might. But they would blame whatever put her life in danger on Obama.

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College openers – are you ready for some semi-pro football?

September 1, 2011

Although the schools are rivals, Florida State coach is wishing Miami coach Jimbo Fisher “nothing but the best” in dealing with their current scandal. Makes sense, if the Hurricanes get away with it, or find and exploit a loophole to minimize their punishment, the Seminoles can use the case in future as precedent.

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At this point despite overwhelming allegations of illegal benefits given to players, so far the NCAA is only slapping Miami on the wrist. And Pete Carroll is thinking, “Had they only come to this mindset sooner, I could have stayed at USC for a few more years.”

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So now the Big 12 has 9 teams and the Big 10 has 12. And we wonder why college football players aren’t good at math.

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Somehow I think I missed the page in the official MLB rulebook where it states all Yankees-Red Sox games MUST go at least four hours. Even Joe Biden says “these teams go on FOREVER.”

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And regarding those increasingly long Red Sox-Yankees matchups, we need to remember, with commercials and other television requirements, playoff games take even longer.

Should the two teams meet in the ALCS, well suffice it to say the game time might be longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

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Stephen Strasburg will return to the Nationals to start on Sept. 6. Washington was considering giving him one more rehab start in the minors, and then figured “We’re playing the Dodgers. Same difference.”

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San Francisco designated Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada for assignment. Which means both players will contribute about as much in September for the Giants as they have all year.

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After the SF Giants released two pieces of deadwood (Tejada and Rowand) Wednesday morning, they hit two home runs in that afternoon’s game. Can they release a few more and get more homers?

Inspired by a comment from my friend Neil Berliner: Deja vu all over again. This time it’s an iPhone 5 but once again an Apple employee has lost a prototype device in a bar. Unbelievable. Who’d a thunk two Apple employees knew where to find a bar? (Yeah, I know, there’s an app for that.

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I’m still not getting this. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has talked in the past of seceding from the Union. And Perry still believes in states rights, and says he is only running for President because God wants him to. But considering the God the Governor believes in, why didn’t HE tell Rick to secede and run for President of Texas?

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In honor of the U.S. Open and to use more positive terminology, the SF Giants have asked announcers not to say in future that the team is being shutout. Instead they should refer to the score as, for example 2 – love. (Or in Monday night’s case “7 – love.)

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Condoleeza Rice is the latest to dispute Dick Cheney’s memoir. Rice is denying that she “tearfully admitted” that Cheney was right in saying W. shouldn’t have apologized for claiming that Iraq was searching for uranium for nuclear arms. Well, the claim was pretty unbelievable anyway. Not that Condi cried, but that she would have said anyone else was right about anything.

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Losing out?

August 19, 2011

This could change, but now it does look like Texas A & M will not be going to the SEC. Guess the Aggies don’t pay their players’ fathers enough.

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The NFL ruled former OSU QB Terrelle Pryor can enter the supplemental draft, albeit with a five game “suspension” with whatever team drafts him. (as if a rookie QB was going to play anyway.) Well, this ought to teach other players a lesson – if you’re going to break rules, make sure you do it for a college team that draws high television bowl ratings.

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A silver lining for some in Miami – for now at least the Heat’s performance in the NBA finals isn’t the most embarrassing sports story in town.

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A tale of two hitting ineups – Tim Lincecum, with a 2.53 ERA is 11-10. C.C. Sabathia, with a 2.96 ERA is 17-7. Sigh. I just hope we never see the Freak in pinstripes.

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Anyone but me think it’s only a matter of time this year until some San Francisco Giants pitcher throws a nine inning no hitter, and ends up with a no decision?

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In the late 1990s and early 2000s, Michele Bachman travelled around Minnesota as as an education activist using the title “Dr. Michele Bachmann,” even though she has never obtained a PhD. But, responded her campaign, Michele did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.

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A self-proclaimed jihadist has threatened David Letterman after the late-night comedian joked about the death of a Al-Qaeda leader. But no one has threatened Jay Leno despite similar jokes. Meaning that not even jihadists watch the Tonight Show anymore?

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Sarah Palin says she thinks Barack Obama will have to leave his family vacation early to deal with the economy. But really, isn’t leaving early Palin’s solution to everything?

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Michele Bachmann’s no comment “quote of the day.”

What people recognize is that there’s a fear that the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union….”

(To be fair, apparently this quote was from a very right-wing radio talk show, so maybe her listeners ARE still worried about the Soviet Union.)

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So let me get this straight. After running for Senate, Christine O’Donnell wrote a book “Troublemaker,” that she “hopes will be an inspirational tool for the grassroots conservative movement.” But when asked about issues from the book, O’Donnell walked out of a CNN interview with Piers Morgan, saying “I’m not talking about politics, I’m not running for office.”

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Football and other felonies?

August 18, 2011

Michele Bachmann said when she is President she will make gas prices come down under two dollars a gallon. Which means Ben Bernanke soon won’t be the only person Texas Governor Rick Perry will accuse of being treasonous.

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from Marc Ragovin: After Rick Perry accused Ben Bernanke of treasonous conduct, Karl Rove said that you just don’t make that kind of charge against the Fed Chairman. “You save it for the President,” according to Rove.

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The University of Miami just hired football coach Al Golden in December, and already the program is potentially facing the “death penalty.” If the NCAA moves fast enough Golden’s tenure could rival that of George O’Leary at Notre Dame.

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Although under investigation, the University of Miami says they have no plans to suspend any current players. Translation, unless the NCAA decries otherwise, expect suspensions – but not starting until after whatever bowl game the Hurricanes play in ths year.

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Panthers coach Ron Rivera says Cam Newton will start Friday night’s preseason game for Carolina against the Miami Dolphins. Rivera allegedly also told his rookie QB to relax and pretend it’s just another college game, albeit with a pay cut.

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A major league baseball player was placed on the disabled list this week with a shoulder strain that he aggravated by sleeping on it. And shockingly to San Francisco fans, this player is not a member of the Giants. (It was Orioles’ first baseman Chris Davis.)

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Goldstar, an online ticket site, has been offering discount tickets to the 49ers-Raiders preseason game this upcoming weekend. Wonder how much they would have to pay fans to fill up the stadium.

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Reports have it that Best Buy ordered 270,000 HP Touchpads and they have sold only 25,000. The most common reaction to this story? “What’s an HP Touchpad?”

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Regarding that Giants-Mets trade of Zach Wheeler to Carlos Beltran, is it too late to invoke California’s “Lemon Law?”

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Last year, Ohio State’s president Gordon Gee mocked the “Little Sisters of the Poor” by accusing other universities of playing them in football. Today he toured a home for the elderly operated by the religious order in Ohio, and promised to be one of their “greatest advocates.”

Then Gee did add that if the sisters had any room on their 2012-13 schedules, he’d love to arrange a game with the Buckeyes.

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Abercrombie & Fitch is offering “The Situation” money to stop wearing its clothing. Think the Giants can do that with Barry Zito?

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A recent poll shows 79% of Americans give an “A” or “B” grade to the public school their oldest child attends, but only 17% gave an “A” or “B” grade to public schools in the nation as a whole.” This is the same great logic that has had Americans so negative about Congress while consistently re-electing their own representatives.

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Neanderthals past and present:

July 24, 2011

New research adds DNA evidence to the theory that Neanderthals and humans started interbreeding between 50,000 and 80,000 years ago. In related news, Ben Roethlisberger was married today.

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Gary Morton’s comment on the wedding -“As a tribute to Roethlisberger’s free-wheeling-bachelor past, the church’s restrooms were sealed off with yellow crime scene tape.”

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A Florida man was arrested for trying to ship $30,000 of crystal methamphetamine in a package of Meow Mix. Police became suspicious when neighbors reported his cats were chasing birds by flying into trees.

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Fourteen in a row for the Mariners. At what point do wins against Seattle start getting an asterisk?

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After Ohio State vacated all of last year’s wins and coach Jim Tressel was forced to resign, the NCAA has nonetheless decided that they will not be banned from any postseason games. The Buckeyes, in fact, are now considered Rose Bowl favorites. Four words- “Money, money, money, money.”

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Speaker Boehner has walked out of debt reduction talks because he will not accept ANY “revenue enhancements.” So when did those “inalienable” rights become life, liberty, and the pursuit of lower taxes on millionaires?

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Supporters of Sarah Palin were incensed that the as yet undeclared candidate was left off an August straw poll for GOP presidential contenders in Iowa.

Actually, responded the organizers of the ballot, we considered including Palin’s name, but we quit that idea about halfway through the process.

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Linda Christian, the first Bond Girl, died at the age of 87.  Not to say she was old, but rumor has it when Christian had a role in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” Her Majesty was Queen Victoria.

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The term “Death Wish” is overused. But in Amy Winehouse’s case it appears to have been completely appropriate.   A sad story.  Hope Lindsay Lohan is taking notice.

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And while we’re on the serious track :  So after this horrible Norway massacre yesterday, should security start profiling tall blond men? (That description, as my friend Steven points out, also fits Timothy McVeigh.)

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What we have here are dead sharks….

May 25, 2011

 

Sharks fans may be disappointed but if the Canucks win the Championship at least the Cup will go home to a country where most citizens know icing isn’t just something you put on a cake.

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Can a stanchion get an assist on a game winning goal?

(For anyone who didn’t see the game, the puck bounced off a stanchion, one of the posts between the glass that protects fans from pucks flying out of play, and everyone, including players, thought it was out of play. Except for Bieska of the Canucks, who saw the puck and shot it into the San Jose net.)

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And what invisible hand guided that puck on its way to ending up in the net?  Are we sure Steve Bartman wasn’t somehow involved?

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Tiger Woods’ world golf ranking has fallen from #1 to #12. Although, in a weirdly symbiotic way, his ranking once again matches the number of women most Americans think he is probably sleeping with.

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If there’s a season this year, the NFL is planning to punish teams next season if their players commit multiple flagrant hits that result in fines. The punishment could either be financial or to strip clubs of draft choices. Well, that latter shouldn’t stop the Raiders – they don’t do anything with their draft picks anyway.

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New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said the team could lose $70 million this season. $70 million? Wow, that’s almost as much as the Yankees pay for a utility infielder.

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So the Big 12 conference, despite being down to 10 teams, will keep its name. Meanwhile, the Big 10, which has had 11 teams, will also keep its name when Nebraska joins this fall. Meanwhile the Atlantic 10 has 14 teams. And we wonder why college football players are bad at math

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Apparently the U.S. Justice Department is ready to go ahead with criminal charges to be filed against former U.S. Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards, for alleged violations of campaign finance laws arising from the cover-up of his affair with his baby mama Rielle Hunter.

And once again, Democrats across America are realizing that there might be a silver lining in the Kerry-Edwards ticket not winning in 2004.

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President Obama’s code name with Scotland Yard for his U.K. visit is apparently
“Chalaque.” It’s a Punjab word that the Daily Mail paper says means “someone too clever for his own good,” or someone “cheeky, crafty and cunning.” Scotland Yard denies the term is perjorative, and said they planned on using it for the previous president, but no one could say it about W with a straight face.

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Meanwhile, in California, depending on where he got the money to pay HIS baby mama, Arnold Schwarzenegger is either watching with some sympathy, or the sense of “Oh Sh*t.”

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Toyota is starting a private social network for its car owners – calling it “Toyota Friend.” So does that mean instead of sending recall notices, they’ll just change your status to “It’s complicated?”

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President Obama and Michelle met Prince William and Kate Middleton today in London, and will spend the night in the same suite that the Duke and Duchess used on their wedding night. Presumably this seemed a better accommodation option than Camilla’s old stable.

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Races, great and otherwise.

May 22, 2011

 

Another reason to love horse racing. Animal Kingdom barely lost in his bid to win the Preakness, the second race in the Triple Crown. And so far he hasn’t blamed his trainer, his jockey, the track, the starting gate…..

In fact, (bad pun alert), Animal Kingdom didn’t even claim his mother was a nag.

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Herman Cain today entered the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I think I speak for most Americans when I say “Who?”

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Meanwhile, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels just announced he is NOT running for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. Apparently based on his competition, Daniels decided he did not have quite the combination of hubris and insanity required to run.

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The first in a series?  You know you’re really a fan of the 2011 Giants when…

When someone tells you Tim Lincecum threw a three-hitter today, and your first response is “Did he win?”

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Aflac has now announced an agreement to sponsor the Heisman trophy. Wonder if the company will offer free supplemental salary insurance for each year’s winners when they wash out in the NFL.

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NFL players, who are already suing league for alleged antitrust violations, have again urged the appeals court to lift the lockout, and likened the league to a “cartel.” This prompted a response for an immediate apology. From OPEC.

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The UConn men’s basketball program is losing two scholarships for the upcoming season as a result of a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. Apparently for starters, most of the team couldn’t spell “Academic Performance Rating.”

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Meanwhile, It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

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Although had the world ended Saturday, Cubs fans all over would have been going “We could have been contenders.”

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Sad but true from TC in Canada:   A good number of Canucks fans made the trek to SJ HP Pavillion for game 3 of the Western final. All were advised to purchase the new “LA Dodger Fan Encounter” Insurance available for trips to Calif.

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Bad games and bad guys.

April 6, 2011

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will insist their next labor deal includes testing for HGH. Well, why not? Their  steroid testing is going so well…

Sigh. At least now a player can’t go to the Pro Bowl in the same year as they get a steroid suspension.

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Brought to my attention by my friend Richard Kronish. Rutgers is paying Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison $30,000 to give their commencement speech. The Rutgers student organization paid $32,000 for “Snooki” to speak last week.

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Prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury trial failed in their bid to get a “recently discovered” audio tape of a alleged conversation between two key witnesses heard by the jury.

Leaving aside guilt or innocence, (and yes, I think Bonds knew what he was taking) I don’t think Judge Ito would have allowed a “recently discovered” tape, even of a confession, heard by the jury in the last days of the O.J. trial.

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“One and done” is the term fans use to describe the phenomenon of basketball players going to college and then leaving for the NBA one year later. “One and done” also describes the reaction of any fan of other sports who tuned in last night to watch their first NCAA men’s basketball final.

 

Not to say last night’s NCAA men’s basketball final was bad. But James Naismith is reportedly spinning in his grave.

 

There is some talk that due to recruitment violations, UConn may have to eventually give up their national championship. The game was so ugly, Coach Jim Calhoun is thinking of telling the NCAA – “Just take it, we don’t want the darn thing anyway.”

 

Regarding the NCAA’ women’s championship

As a Stanford fan it was fun to watch Notre Dame lose. But have to figure the Cardinal women’s team watched tonight and realized that yes, they did let a great chance for a national championship slip away.

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And watching some of the game, you had to figure either Texas A & M or Notre Dame would have matched up well with Butler or UConn.

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Kirstie Alley and her “Dancing with the Stars” partner took a tumble during the show tonight. Wonder what it registered on the Richter scale?

 

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Well, at least he’s consistent. Newt Gingrich called for the impeachment of Bill Clinton while he was cheating on his own wife. Now Newt is complaining that President Obama is trying to “extort contributions” by announcing his reelection bid so early. Gingrich raised about $15 million himself last year….

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