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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your excuses…..

March 20, 2013

And if you are reading this, you are probably too late to change your brackets.

“One and done” has some disadvantages and advantages. Last year’s Kentucky players didn’t get to see them raise the NCAA championship banner, this year’s won’t be on campus for all the Robert Morris jokes.

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President Obama formally revealed all of this NCAA picks this morning on ESPN. Despite alleged GOP attempts to filibuster them.

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Apparently Derek Jeter may start the season on the DL. Though he still hopes to sit in the Yankees dugout, yelling at the other team’s punks to get off his field.

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Syracuse’s basketball program is apparently again under NCAA investigation. How will we know when the allegations are really serious? When Jim Boeheim resigns to spend more time with his family.

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James Madison won their play-in game for the right to play Indiana. Isn’t this a bit like winning the Christians competition for the right to go against the Lions?

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Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly hit the clubs after her rehab plea deal is now saying “It wasn’t me.” Maybe the “Parent Star” star is taking this “evil twin” thing a bit too seriously?

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Wisconsin will open their 2015 football season against Alabama. Guess the “Little Sisters of the Poor” aren’t available?

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The Tonight Show may be moving back to New York in late 2014. So first question, will all those Dodgers jokes become Yankees jokes or Mets jokes?

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Open note to Michelle Shocked: Just shut up and go away again. Your 15 minutes have expired.

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Neiman Marcus has paid an undisclosed fine to the FTC in a settlement. Apparently they were selling real fur products and pretending they were fake fur.

As opposed to many Neiman Marcus shoppers who pretend they have “real” faces and bodies when they are….nah, I don’t need to finish this sentence.

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At Knoxville airport, Delta workers ordered pizza to be delivered to passengers stuck on the tarmac for a flight diverted due to bad weather. The really shocking thing… the airline didn’t charge them by the slice.

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Hanley Ramirez injured his thumb in the WBC final, and may be out up to 10 weeks. At this point the Dodgers and Yankees may not end up in the World Series, but they could meet up in a special baseball edition of “Survivor.”

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From my friend Jim Barach, yeah, this just about sums it up.  “On the tenth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, 53% of Americans say the war was a mistake. The other 47% are still debating between disaster, debacle and catastrophe.”

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All in the family trivia: If Indiana wins the NCAA tournament another Harbaugh will be celebrating with a trophy – Joanie Crean, wife of coach Tom Crean, is Jack and Jim’s sister.

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Okay, March Madness brackets aside – Angie or Kree to win American Idol. IMHO.

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My not-so-old Kentucky is home.

March 19, 2013

First round NIT – Robert Morris 59, Kentucky 57. Puts a whole new meaning on “One and done.”

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Not saying the Kentucky team was young, but after the game coach John Calipari was so upset he gave all the starters time-outs.

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Btw, those same Kentucky Wildcats when the season started?  The favorite at 6-1 to win the entire NCAA tournament.  Guess that means Nerlens Noel was really the One without who they were Done?

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One of many signs this whole college basketball system needs reworking though –  when with the top teams most fans recognize fewer of the players than the coaches.

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Coach Rex Ryan said the New York Jets have to get better at QB, adding that Tim Tebow would get the opportunity to compete. And he said it with a straight face.

 

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New Jersey has decided to try allowing Atlantic City casinos to offer fantasy sports betting. Don’t most casinos already allow fantasy betting? As in picking the Cubs to win the World Series.

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A study has shown that the resveratol in red wine may help prevent Alzheimer’s. Or if you drink enough of it at least the wine gives you a good reason to forget things.  (or as my friend Linda says, you won’t care if you forget things..)

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Got to love it, Tiger Woods announces he is dating Lindsey Vonn, posts a number of pictures, and thanks fans on his Facebook page for “respecting our privacy.”

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Lindsey Vonn apparently was making jokes a couple years ago about Tiger Woods and his “sex addiction.” Have to wonder the odds on in another couple years Lindsey herself ending up part of the punchline.

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Derek Jeter was scratched from the Yankees spring training game today with a “cranky ankle.” About the only good news for New York these days is that most of their injures should be covered by Medicare.

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Ok, the story of a University of Central Florida student who planned to shoot students isn’t funny, but then there’s this quote from an evacuated young woman “”There were police everywhere, students out there half-dressed, no shoes, in the cold….” The weather was in the 60s.

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Reportedly Lindsay Lohan chose rehab because she was scared of jail. But not scared enough apparently to start just following the law….

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Telling NBC jokes has apparently gotten Jay Leno with network executives. Fortunately, since he’s still on NBC, very few people are actually hearing the jokes.

 

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Michelle Shocked has had several shows canceled after making an anti-gay slur at a San Francisco concert. Two questions. Who the heck is Michelle Shocked? And is she angling to open for Ted Nugent?

 

After a South Carolina primary, looks like the House special election will be between Mark Sanford, former Governor and “Appalachian trail” hiker and Elizabeth Colbert Bush, sister of Stephen Colbert. Not sure about state residents, but comedians across the country are thinking ‘Thank you, Jesus.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Now, the Broncos have offered Dumervil a contract—talk about bringing Elvis back from the dead”
 
(Elvis’s agent, however, is no doubt still as dead as Generalissmo Francisco Franco)

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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your brackets.

March 17, 2013

Why we know the same people who run the BCS are not on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament selection committee – not only did defending champions Kentucky not get in, but the field only has 3 SEC teams.

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Wonder what kind of shape the USA would be in if Americans spent as much time thinking about who they vote for as they do filling out their NCAA brackets? #Marchmadness

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So which happens first? President Obama releases his NCAA brackets? Or the GOP criticizes him for making time to select them?

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Wonder how busted most people’s brackets would already be if you had to know the city and state of any team picked, and for that matter at least one player on each team….

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Pat Boone called President Obama a Marxist. Wonder how many people these days actually remember what a Marxist is? For that matter wonder who many people actually remember who Pat Boone is?

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Now former Denver Bronco Elvis Dumervil has fired his agent. Wonder if he did it by fax.

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Just saw a commercial saying: “KFC whole chicken is delivered and prepared fresh by real cooks in our restaurants.” Is SNL starting to run their fake ads during the day now?

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Two high school football players in Steubenville were found guilty of raping a drunk 16 year old girl at a party last year. Proof perhaps that doing very bad stuff and posting it online trumps even society’s bias in favor of athletes.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently could miss her Monday morning court date because she missed her flight last night from NY to LA to stay and party at a local nightclub. Gosh, if she shows up the judge again Lindsay could face a really really stern warning.

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Mark Teixeira says his wrist injury may sideline him longer than originally thought, but added “I don’t know if it’s the beginning of May, the end of May, the beginning of June, I don’t know when it is but we got a whole bunch of season left and the time that really matters is the playoffs.” Uh, this assumes the NY Yankees make the playoffs.

 

Of course, GOP Rep. Steve LaTourette is retired so he can say this, “We’re supposed to wonder why we don’t have the women’s vote in this country when we have a candidate suggesting that a child born as a result of rape is a gift from God?” And “If we ever want to be a national party, then we have to look like America. Today we look like a bunch of white guys below the Mason-Dixon line.”

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Send in the Rodmans?

March 5, 2013

Kim Jong Un’s wife apparently secretly gave birth in late 2012. This could further explain why the North Korean dictator wanted Rodman to visit – not only does Dennis know basketball but no doubt he was also the baby’s first clown.

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No brainer? Magic Johnson has offered LeBron James $1 million to participate in the NBA’s slam dunk contest. Seriously LeBron, do the dunks, take the $1 million, donate it to charity. Might be the best “Decision” you ever publicly made.

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Charlie Sheen is saying that Lindsay Lohan needs help and is offering to be her mentor. Which is a nice thought, but just exactly how screwed up do you have to be before Charlie Sheen is your voice of reason?

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Anyone else get the impression listening to Mitt Romney now that instead of having to run for President, he feels that he should have just been appointed to the job, like a Pope?

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Reggie Bush says that Real Madrid’s Cristiano Ronaldo “definitely could” have made it in the NFL? Maybe, though like most soccer stars, it would have been an adjustment for Ronaldo to learn about falling on the the ground hard when he was REALLY hit.

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Joe Flacco says his new 6-year $120.6 million deal with Baltimore “wasn’t necessarily about the money. It was about earning that respect and feeling like I was respected around here.”

So if the Ravens had offered him $100 million, would Flacco have felt disrespected?-

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Marissa Mayer reportedly came up with her directive abolishing telecommuting when she found out that employees weren’t logging in at home as much as they were supposed to be. Or is it just possible they tried regularly, and ofter couldn’t get Yahoo mail to work….

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Apparently there are already some extra long airport wait times at Customs and things will get worse in TSA lines due to the sequester. But surely at this difficult time the U.S. can find money in the budget to make sure all members of Congress go through secondary screening.

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A question no one would have heard not that long ago. “I forgot my phone, can you please tell me what time it is?”

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NY GM Brian Cashman broke his ankle this morning skydiving. Who does he think he is, part of the Yankees’ putative starting lineup?

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Gonzaga is #1 in the AP men’s basketball poll today. There goes any hope they had of being the tournament’s Cinderella.

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Really? Actual headline from this morning: “Kate Middleton Attends Wedding While Nearly Five Months Pregnant.” Shocking what some women are able to accomplish..

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: A little tacky but …  “Quoting Youngbloods, everybody try to love one another right now. Except for that witch blocking the grocery aisle with her cart.   Die, whore”

(I’m thinking the same on a few folks with 35 items in the Express Line.)

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Monday mourning brackets.

March 19, 2012

Anyone remember that Xavier-Cincinnati brawl back in December? Both teams now in the men’s Sweet Sixteen. Maybe the Pac 12 needs to schedule a few brawls.

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Actually there are four teams from Ohio left in the final Sweet Sixteen. Fans used to the Bengals, Brown, Cavaliers, Indians and Reds are thinking…..you mean we could actually win something?

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For the fourth time in their last five tournament appearances, Notre Dame (a 7 seed this year) lost to a double digit seed. Normally when Catholics are this embarrassed, priests are involved.

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On the other hand, there are 3 Pac 12 teams left in the NIT. Bringing up an interesting question -if you get an NIT championship banner do you hang it or use it to wipe down stuff in the locker room?

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The SF Giants’ Freddie Sanchez may start the season on the DL. Disappointing fans who hoped that on Opening Day he would be recovered and ready to be injured again.

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A recent Gallup poll shows only 35% percent of Republicans say they would enthusiastically support Romney in November. Not sure who’s more astonished, Mitt because he doesn’t understand why people don’t like him, or everyone else who can’t understand why 35% actually say they would vote enthusiastically for him.

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The President picked North Carolina to win it all in the NCAA men’s tournament. Now star Tar Heel point guard Kendall Marshall has a fractured wrist and may or may not be done for the tournament. Yep, once again, it’s clearly Obama’s fault.

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The wanna-be anti-education President in action again: Rick Santorum on ABC’s “This Week” referred to Puerto Rico as a “Spanish-speaking country.”

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Santorum then ended up with seven percent of the Puerto Rican vote. Wonder if he put it down to those “damned foreigners.”

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Give Mitt Romney credit. We’re into the second round of the NCAA’s and so far he’s avoided making any more embarrassing gaffes about being good friends with some of the team owners.

(my friend Bill D. says “Not so fast, maybe he owns a few schools.)

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What seemed less likely a year ago, the Dolphins inviting Alex Smith to Miami to talk? Or 49ers fans actually caring?

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Mitt Romney is attacking Obama on gas prices, and claims that the President only now advocates natural gas and increased U.S. oil drilling because of an “election-year conversion.” Well, if anyone’s an expert on conversions….

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Derek Jeter said he had a feeling that Andy Pettite, who just signed a minor league contract with the Yankees, wanted to end his retirement and pitch again. Maybe it was seeing Pettite wandering around in that Brett Favre jersey.

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Mario Mannngham, who signed with the San Francisco 49ers, tested positive for marijuana twice during his college days at Michigan. Wonder when Mario moves to Calfornia how long it will take him to get a prescription.

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Commie pinko thought about birth control: “We need to get off of that issue. In my view, I think we ought to respect the right of women to make choices in their lives and make that clear and to get back onto what the American people really care about — jobs and the economy.” Quote from that noted liberal Senator John McCain.

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Day of the Dead.

March 18, 2012

Day of the Dead is traditionally celebrated November 1, the day after Halloween, in Mexico. Wonder how often it also described the morning after St. Patrick’s Day.

Or this year, folks who had Duke, Missouri and Michigan in their Elite Eight.

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Quote of the NCAA men’s tournament so far from Norfolk State’s Kyle O’Quinn, after their upset of Missouri: “We messed up some brackets. We even messed up my bracket.”

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So we’re not even through opening weekend of the men’s NCAA basketball tournament, and already there are ZERO teams left in either the Pacific or the Mountain time zones. So for regular sports fans, it’s just like ESPN’s Baseball game of the week.

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Chaleo Yoovidhya, who created Red Bull, has died at the age of 89. Actually, the coroner says Chaleo died over a week ago, but his body just stopped moving.

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M Go Blue. San Francisco 49ers just signed former Michigan (and NY Giants) WR Mario Manningham. Gosh, why would they think they might have any use for such a star receiver?

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“I find it ironic that Republicans (like Santorum) are out there wanting less govt. and govt. intruding into our lives, but when it comes to moral issues they want govt. to legislate morality” Steven Hirsch, founder of adult entertainment company “Vivid Entertainment.” Nice work by Santorum to give a porn movie producer the moral high road.

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Rosie O’Donnell’s daily talk show has been cancelled. The response from most Americans – Rosie O’Donnell had a talk show?

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The NY Post reports that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries each would like an annulment instead of a divorce, the holdup being that each wants the other to admit to fraud. Uh, can we find them both guilty of fraud and make them go away?

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In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Burger King is offering all customers on March 17 and 18 a free order of french-fries, complete with green Heinz ketchup. Let’s hope that last is just not five year old red Heinz ketchup.

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A story from an unnamed source says now that Romney was on McCain’s short list in 2008 for V.P., but after John famously forget how many houses he had (eight), a staffer “pointed out that we couldn’t go to the country with a Republican ticket that owned 14 houses between the two of them.” Well, in Mitt’s favor, he can count his homes. (Six.)

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Bad seeds?

March 17, 2012

For the first time in NCAA history, three teams with seed numbers 13 or higher won their first round games. Does this mean that weaker teams are getting better? Or that the seeding committee is getting worse?

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Although before experts from other fields, like politics, start really criticizing sports experts -how many political pundits had Rick Santorum in the GOP Final Four?

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Thieves apparently stole a 500-lb beehive from a Houston restaurant. The owner said it contained as many as 5,000 bees he was raising for their honey. Wonder if police will go after the crooks with a sting operation?

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So do those who had Missouri and Duke into the Final Four become honorary Irishmen for drinking on St. Patricks’ Day?
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The Cincinnati Bearcats blew all of a 19 point lead against Texas, but came back to win their first round game and are still alive. Wonder if they got a congratulatory call from Mitt Romney.

(added Alex Schubert, “At the beginning, Texas took more bad shots than Dick Cheney.”)

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A reporter asked Sarah Palin if she saw the Norfolk State game. Her response, “Don’t try to fool me, I KNOW Norfolk is not a state.

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Peyton Manning had said he hoped to make a decision by this Tuesday. It’s Friday…. “Atta boy.” said Brett Favre.

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ESPN is reporting that Peyton Manning also worked out for San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh and took a physical for the team this week. Looks like Harbaugh is 1000 % behind Alex Smith.

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Rick Santorum is really getting aggressive in his campaign. When he saw an ad for the hit show “The Book of Mormon” his alleged response was “See, another example of intellectual elitism, Mormons read books.”

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300 people waited overnight in the rain in San Francisco for the newest iPad. And guess what gals, these guys are single.

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Kansas State guard Angel Rodriguez, who is Puerto Rican, says he has accepted Southern Mississippi’s apology and moved on. (Some students chanted “get a green card” at him during the game.) Wonder how many other Southerners heard the remarks and said “Makes sense, those foreigners are at least polite.”

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Dwight Howard, who made headlines earlier this year by asking for a trade, now says he also wants to stay next year with Orlando – ““I’m very loyal and I’ve always put loyalty above anything.” If this basketball stuff doesn’t work out Howard has a great future in politics.

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There’s a report that Rush Limbaugh actually has a new sponsor interested in his show – the Westboro Baptist Church. Well, birdbrains of a feather…. (Actually, I shouldn’t make that joke, it’s insulting to birds.)

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Mitt Romney says Rick Santorum’s plan is economic illiteracy. And Santorum responds “There you go promoting elite stuff like literacy again.”

Meghan McCain posed (with clothes on) and was interviewed for the April issue of Playboy. She calls herself “strictly ‘dickly'” and says, “I love sex.” Anyone else secretly hoping she connects with and starts influencing the Romney and/or Santorum kids?

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Rammed?

March 16, 2012

Open note to NCAA selection committee: Maybe you shouldn’t give VCU any more double digit seeds.

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For all starting early for Saturday, here’s a suggested St. Patrick’s Day toast – May your troubles last as long as your perfect brackets!

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During their NCAA game Thursday, Southern Miss. band members taunted Kansas State player Angel Rodriguez by chanting “Where’s your green card?” Racist and stupid yes. But what elevates this to a higher level of ignorance – apparently the students went after Rodriguez because they found he was from Puerto Rico.

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Not sure about this anti-education attitude of Rick Santorum. Someone asked one of his supporters what he thought of Murray State today, and the guy replied “Not sure when their primary is, but I’m sure the voters of Murray will support Santorum’s true conservative message.”

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The Portland Trail Blazers have waived Greg Oden — the #1 overall pick in the 2007 draft. On the bright side for Oden, he should be eligible for Medicare.

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Peyton Manning and the Titans met for over eight hours last night. Eight hours!? That’s longer than at least one of Brett Favre’s retirements.

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ESPN’s top 10 reason’s your team won’t land Tim Tebow: (My son Carey and I both have one), http://espn.go.com/espn/page2/story/_/id/7688839/readers-provide-top-10-reasons-their-team-land-peyton-manning

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Joe Nelson, a former Goldman Sachs employee from London (not the one who wrote the NY Times op-ed), has started a company making custom-fit condoms. Insert “covering a bunch of p***ks joke” here:

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In Lafayette, CO, near Boulder, police ticketed a man who is accused of tying his cat’s leash to a rock after the pet refused to go jogging. Wonder if they had to bring the ticket to the hospital while the guy was getting stitches?

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Rick Santorum says on his website now that a “wealth of research” now shows that pornography causes “profound brain changes, with widespread negative consequences.” If true this also shows strong cause why men should be banned from both Congress and the military.

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Santorum’s campaign is the latest to bring up the Romney vacation story. As his senior staffer John Brabender said ‘What the heck was he thinking, putting the dog on the top of the roof?’ Santorum, of course, would never make a dog ride on his car roof… a gay person or a single woman asking for birth control maybe.

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Rick Santorum, who was quoted saying English as the “main language” in Puerto Rico had to be a requirement for achieving statehood, now is backtracking from that statement and saying he was misquoted”

Santorum’s not trying to catch Mitt Romney, he’s trying to BE Mitt Romney.

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The Blunt-Rubio amendment says that if an employer or insurance plan has any “religious or moral objection,” then a health care service can be excluded from coverage. Okay, let’s leave sex out of this, does that mean if an employer has moral objections to drinking and/or smoking, can they can refuse to cover anyone’s resulting liver or lung cancer?

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From Marc Ragovin: Despite a string of losses in the primaries and trailing badly in the delegate count, Newt Gingrich has vowed to carry on to Tampa, and guarantees that he will be the eventual GOP nominee. Ya know, I swear that every time Newt speaks Callista’s nose gets a little longer.

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When I’m 64….

March 15, 2012

The “play-ins” are done. Am I the only person who wonders, with 64 teams and at least 30-35 games before tournaments, haven’t teams had a chance to “play-in” already?

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Well, we know why Rick Santorum hasn’t filled out March Madness brackets: He thinks being able to count to 64 is elitist.

(as my friend Rich points out, to say nothing of 68.)

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Mitt Romney told reporters he’s not “plugged in” enough to fill out a 2012 NCAA tournament bracket. Talk about out of touch, poor Mitt doesn’t realize the great American office tradition of March Madness decision making, “Eenie, meenie, minie, moe…, my best friend went there…. and hey, what a cute mascot….”

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At the half of their play-in game, it was USF 36, Cal 13. Did someone forget it was March and schedule a football game.

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Congrats to the Vermont Catamounts for winning their play-in game. The question for the night, without using Google, what is a “catamount.” And for you cat-haters out there, no it does not involve nailing pets to the wall.

(and no, for Romney fans it’s not like “dogamount,” – mounting your dog to the car roof.

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Despite what is clearly a bad situation, Newt Gingrich says he is staying in the GOP race. Newt might be doing better had he shown that kind of tenacity in sticking with his marriages.

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Open note to anyone watching USF dismantle Cal during the play-in game: The University of South Florida is in Tampa. (West of Orlando and about 200 miles north of Miami.). Floridians are better at sports than they are at geography.

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Courtney Robertson, who got at least temporarily engaged to Ben Flajnik on “The Bachelor” may apparently be joining “Dancing with the Stars.” Well, that ought to address all those rumors she was just in it for the publicity.

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A test program by TSA will allow the elderly to keep their shoes on at certain airport checkpoints, including O’Hare, Orlando and Portland, OR. Well, if he ever gets healthy that will make life easier for Greg Oden.

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American Idol contestant Jermaine Jones has been booted from the show for (relatively recent) past undisclosed arrests. When will these kids learn the basic rule – become a star first, and THEN you can get arrested.

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Rick Santorum told Puerto Ricans if they wanted statehood then they must make English their primary language. – “Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law.” I think I’m getting this, Santorum is for states rights as long as states do what he thinks is right.

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A new study says that men who eat a high fat diet may experience more than a 40% drop in sperm count. Yikes, does that mean Rick Santorum may want to outlaw KFC as birth control?

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So much for “play ball.” Parents of that Lennox (CA) Little League team that was saved by a $1200 from a local strip club have voted to refuse the money. (Idiots, IMHO.) Wonder how many fathers offered to return the donation, one dollar at a time.

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Mike D’Antoni resigned as coach of the New York Knicks. Clearly he could handle Linsanity better than Melo-ness.

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Rick Santorum on Mitt Romney: “It’s pretty sad when all you have is to do math instead of trying to go out there and win it.” Uh, has no one told Santorum that math will figure pretty heavily into the results this November?

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Dropping the balls

March 14, 2012

Syracuse star freshman Fab Melo has been ruled ineligible for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Gentlemen, start erasing your brackets.

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Iona blew a 25 point lead tonight in losing to BYU. Did they get their playbook from Mitt Romney?

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Barack Obama took U.K. Prime Minister to a play-in NCAA men’s basketball game tonight. Which Cameron said he enjoyed, although he originally thought “March Madness” referred to the Republican primaries.

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The Pac 12 has announced their next three conference tournaments will be in Las Vegas. Perfect. This way all those who bet on the NIT will have a chance to see their potential favorites up close and personal.

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Mitt Romney, in Southerner mode, talked about “Davy Crockett, who killed himself a bear, when he was only three.” Uh, Mitt, if you’re going to quote the song in the South it’s “kilt him a bar, when he was only three.”

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UCLA announced Tuesday that Ben Howland will remain on the job as men’s basketball coach. Translation, we’re already on the hook for paying him and who else would take over this mess?

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Anyone else think that “the Bachelor” Ben’s proposal to Courtney will turn out to be as lasting relevant long term as a vote for Rick Perry in the GOP primaries?

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A Delta jet was undergoing maintenance tests in Atlanta today when it rolled off a runway and down an embankment. Sounds like the tests went about as well as SATs go for SEC football players.

(actually the interesting question, apparently it was brake failure – but did the brakes fail, or did they fail to set the brakes.)

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Hyatt Hotels says that they will start installing new TV’s with internet capability in guest rooms, so guests can log into Facebook or email, or stream Netflix movies on their in-room screens. Great, this will mean one more thing in a hotel room besides the alarm clock I can’t figure out.

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A new bill in the California State Assembly proposes to ban violent fans from professional sporting events, although not from college and minor league games. Leaving aside the “how do they enforce it? question, have to wonder, why leave out a really scary group – some parents of Little Leaguers.

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Something airline passengers may not have heard before, the pilot asking “Is anyone allergic to penguins?” Two penguins flew on Delta today, in first class, from Atlanta to New York to attend the premiere of Discovery Channel’s “Frozen Planet.” No doubt they were better behaved than many children, and some adults.

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Rick Santorum is now accusing Fox News of “shilling” for Mitt Romney, and saying they don’t want him on their shows. Well, let’s see, MSNBC probably isn’t an option…but Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would love to have him.

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President Obama’s women’s bracket has Baylor, St. John’s, Connecticut and Notre Dame in the Final Four. He must not be fundraising anytime soon in Northern California.

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The Dow closed up over 200 points, to 13,177.68 today. This is bad continued unemployment news – for Mitt Romney.

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From T.C. Paraphrasing Canadian Golfer Dan Halldorson about the NIT Tournament. Winning this would be similar to getting a trophy for “Tallest Midget”.

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Gentleman and ladies, start your brackets.

March 13, 2012

If you’re looking for someone’s predictions to copy for March Madness, may I suggest anyone but Harold Camping.

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President Obama said he is working on his men’s and women’s brackets. And Mitt Romney immediately condemned him by saying tax brackets for both are high enough already.

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So now that Linsanity isn’t helping anymore for the Knicks, what’s plan B? Is Bill Bradley available?

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Lennox Little League, in Los Angeles County, didn’t have enough money for this year until local businesses stepped in. Including a $1200 donation from the Jet Strip “gentlemen’s club” (aka a strip club.) So guess this means it will be “batter up,” after getting many fathers up.

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Mitt Romney, on the horrific shooting of Afghan citizens by a U.S. soldier, and what America should do now, said that he “wouldn’t jump to a new policy” because of a “deranged, crazy person.” Uh, some would say that in aping Santorum and Gingrich, that Mitt already has done that repeatedly.

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The success of the 49ers and Alex Smith last year was a joy for fans, but tough for local comedy writers. God taketh away and God giveth – Here comes Randy Moss.

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Stanford women’s basketball team is #1 seed in the NCAA tournament and heading for Norfolk. For those who don’t know how to pronounce the Virginia city, here’s the simple cheer they use in the South. (I used to live in Florida). “We don’t drink, we don’t smoke, Norfolk! Norfolk.”

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The owner of the Pittsburgh Power, an Arena Football League team, fired all 24 players during a pregame meal at an Orlando-area Olive Garden. For the men involved, it was the worst thing to happen to them at an Olive Garden, well, that didn’t involve actually eating the food.

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Former V.P. Dick Cheney cancelled a April speaking engagement in Toronto, because based on demonstrations during his Vancouver visit last fall he and his daughter decided “it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” Well, guess that means we won’t see Cheney in San Francisco any time either.

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A TCU football player charged with selling marijuana allegedly told a police officer that 82 people failed a team wide drug test in early February. Wow. Looks like the Horned Frog football program may really have hit the big time.

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The NCAA banned North Carolina football from the 2012 post-season, saying “This case should serve as a cautionary tale to all institutions to vigilantly monitor the activities of those student-athletes who possess the potential to be top professional prospects.” Well, all institutions who aren’t part of the SEC anyway.

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So when Peyton Manning makes his decision will ESPN air an “After the Final Rose” show?

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Surveys of likely GOP voters in Alabama and Mississippi found that only 12-14% believe President Obama is a Christian. Well, I suppose this does bolster Rick Santorum with his disbelief in the idea of evolution.

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Got to love this. United Airlines has had a special phone number for their most elite fliers when they are having problems with the United.com website. If you have post-merger problems and call it now, the message says “We are experiencing extended hold times, we suggest you use our website.”

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Rep. Cliff Stearns of Florida responded to a question from an elderly consitutent about Obama’s birth certificate by saying “The question is, is it legitimate? I think what Obama’s showing is a facsimile, but I think that debate probably is not enough just to impeach him.” Guess with the other Southern primaries this week Florida couldn’t let the loonie spotlight get away.

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Glee” star Heather Morris is the latest celebrity to have alleged naked pictures (allegedly from her phone) “stolen” and posted online. When will people learn, if you take your clothes off turn your phone off….

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Men can ignore these last comments: Ben to Courtney on the Bachelor, “you are my forever.” Or at least my for “until I see the videos of the show in March.”

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Watching Courtney on the Bachelor makes me realize that if this thing doesn’t work out with Rielle, John Edwards might have found his trophy wife soulmate.

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Anyone else think Ben’s proposal might have as much lasting relevance as a vote for Rick Perry in the 2012 GOP Primary?

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Madness time.

March 11, 2012

First day of moving clocks ahead really should be referred to “Stumble forward.” “Spring”ing takes a few days.

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And the worst thing for many Americans about this year’s switch to Daylight Savings Time – they won’t be at their best when trying to fill out brackets.

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At the All-Star Break the New York Knicks were looking like a team that could go deep into the playoffs. Now they’re looking like a team that would be on the wrong side of the NCAA tournament bubble.

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Brackets were announced Sunday for the March Madness NCAA Tournament. Which means at about a dozen schools you can still hear the screams already “We wuz robbed of a chance to be destroyed by North Carolina in the opening round.”

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So if a team loses in the play-in game, do they call it “one-half and done”?

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Western Kentucky University (15-18) is in the NCAA’s despite a losing record since they won their Sun Belt Conference tournament. Many college fans find this shocking that a team with such a lousy record is in the Big Dance. (In a bowl game, maybe.)

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New York Knicks losing their fifth straight, even with Jeremy Lin, Peyton Manning may be about to replace Tim Tebow in Denver. Maybe God just got tired of following sports?
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Later Sunday, brackets were revealed for the NIT. This year to be subtitled “The Pac 12 Invitational.”

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In the Cadillac Championship Sunday, Sergio Garcia shot a 12 on the par-4 third hole. Yes, a 12. It was the ugliest several minutes involving a golf club since Elin and Tiger’s 2009 Thanksgiving.

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From Gary M. “Mark Sanchez’s contract extension with the New York Jets: “Not bad for a QB whose college coach said Mark needed another year of college ball before he’d be ready for the NFL. Now he’s surprassed his USC salary.”

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Randy Moss working out for the 49ers? If he signs who wants to join a pool for the number of days before Moss causes a Harbaugh meltdown?

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Speaker of the House John Boehner says of Congress, “We got some of the smartest people in the country who serve here, and some of the dumbest.” Well, these days you’d probably get bipartisan agreement on the latter.

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Another response to the reproductive rights controversy: An Ohio state senator has a bill requiring men wanting prescriptions for Viagra or any other ED drugs to first see a sex therapist, receive a cardiac stress test and get a notarized affidavit signed by a sexual partner affirming impotency. I’m wondering why she doesn’t add “and promise that the sex would be for procreation.”

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For those who can’t find enough political wackiness in the GOP primaries, I give you this: A bill passed by the Florida legislature this week contained an amendment stating that it will once again be legal (after 45 years of a ban) to dye animals the color of your choice.

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Springing forward….

March 11, 2012

Rick Santorum sent his oldest daughter to Hawaii in advance of their state caucuses. Mitt Romney sent his son to Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands. So there’s a method to the madness in not having birth control, more offspring to campaign for you.

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A woman hiker survived for 3½ weeks in a New Mexico national forest before being found on Wednesday with just her cat and a blue sleeping bag. What’s more impressive, that she didn’t try to eat the cat, or that the cat didn’t try to eat her?

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Pat Knight, coach of Lamar, son of Bobby, in a rant two weeks ago “We’ve got the worst group of seniors right now that I’ve ever been associated with. Their mentality is awful. Their attitude is awful….” Since then the Cardinals have won six straight and are going to the NCAA Tournament. The GOP has asked if after the tournament Pat would be willing to coach their candidates?

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Regarding this As-Giants territorial rights issue, which has been dragging on for three years, Bud Selig says “it’s on the front burner.” Maybe, but if so Selig turned off the gas a long time ago.

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One year into the Pac 12, the Stanford Cal “Big Game” has been moved to mid-October (and Stanford-USC to 2 weeks before students arrive in Palo Alto.) And in their 1st year in the conference, Colorado probably knocked Arizona and maybe Cal out of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. But, hey, there are those television contracts.

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Not that I spend much time listening to Rush Limbaugh. But all these advertisers suddenly pulling spots after his recent comments about Sandra Fluke – have they ever paid attention to what he has been saying for years?

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Ellen Degeneres just gently spoofed “The Bachelor” on her show. Although had she wanted to, Ellen could have used the show, with its proposal at the end, as an argument against legalized heterosexual marriage.

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Sarah Palin is dismissing the movie “Game Change” as unimportant. Well, it takes one….

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Mitt Romney won the Wyoming caucuses with 47 % of the vote. Or with 47 votes? Not sure. Maybe it’s the same number.

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Rick Santorum won the Kansas GOP primary after Mitt Romney did not even campaign there. Guess Mitt couldn’t figure out anything nice to say about the height of the trees, or what Kansan food specialty he liked.

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The Jets signed Mark Sanchez to a $58.25 million five year contract making him the seventh-highest paid QB in the NFL. Sounds like New York has gone from Linsanity to Insanity.

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The Detroit Lions’ Ndamukong Suh was ticketed for driving 91 m.p.h. in a 55-m.p.h. zone this weekend in Oregon. Guess Suh also needs to learn not to stomp on the gas.

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Open note to anyone who thinks women in sports aren’t as tough as men: LSU women’s basketball coach Nikki Caldwell, who played for Tennessee during the 1990s, had her team lose in the SEC finals last Sunday night, gave birth to a girl, Tuesday morning, and will be back for the women’s tournament.

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Grounded.

March 10, 2012

Last month a toddler got her entire family kicked off a JetBlue flight because she was throwing a tantrum and wouldn’t fasten her seat belt. The child’s mother said ” I would probably try to avoid JetBlue in the future.” Hearing the story, about a million other people said “How can I start flying JetBlue in future?

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Television cameras followed Peyton Manning’s visit to Denver, tracking both the private plane the team sent and the SUV that took him to meet with John Elway at headquarters. If Manning signs this may become the second most famous chase involving a white Bronco.

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Linebacker D.J. Williams, one of three Denver Broncos suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy, is claiming his sample was mishandled and compromised. So after Ryan Braun got off on the same technicality, the winning pick for those in the “next to try that excuse” pool is 12 days.

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Mitt Romney today in Alabama, I’m ‘kinda’ a politician. As in I’ll be whatever kind a you want me to be.

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Friend sent me this one, I didn’t write it but…

“A liberal, a moderate and a conservative walk into a bar and the Bartender asks “What can I get you Mr. Romney?”

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According to the L.A. Times, Mary Brown, the lead plaintiff in the legal case against the Affordable Care Act filed for bankruptcy due to her uninsured husband’s medical debts. And she is still against Obama Care. Sure, why force Americans to buy insurance when they can just walk away from their debt with bankruptcy?

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The U.S. economy added 227,000 jobs in February. Wow. Considering that this weekend is March Madness selection Sunday, that’s probably over 100,000 new employees neglecting their work next week.

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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet” dept: Facebook suggested 2 women might want to be friends, as they were “mutual friends” with a Tacoma, WA man. Turns out they were both married to him. (The man has been charged with bigamy with possible 1 year jail sentence. Which might be more pleasant now than being at either home.)

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“Big Bang Theory” star Kunal Nayyar married a former Miss India in Delhi in a wedding celebration that lasted over six days. Let’s hope the Kardashians don’t find out about this, Kim’s next wedding could last longer than her next marriage.

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Campaigning in Mississippi, Mitt Romney told a crowd that “I am learning to say y’all, and I like grits and things.” What’s next, saying that on his next family vacation he will put a Confederate flag on the dog carrier on the roof of his car?

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In Alabama, Mitt Romney is cheerfully rtalking about his new fondness for grits. (This morning he said he had “cheesy grits” for breakfast.) Shame he’s not traveling to Hawaii for their primary Tuesday. I’d love to hear Mitt say he loves poi with a straight face.

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Illinois fired Bruce Weber Friday, after the Illini posted a 17-15 record this season. And Washington Wizards fans said “What, the school has something against overachievers?”

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The Washington Redskins have apparently agreed to trade three first-round draft picks and a second round pick to the St. Louis Rams in exchange for the second pick in this year’s draft. In related news, Robert Griffin III has just asked Baylor if it’s too late to return for his final year of eligibility.

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Biased from birth?

March 27, 2011

President Obama has one #1 seed left alive in his brackets  – Kansas. So how come no one is opining that he made that decision because of his parentage.

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And just wondering,  who the heck keeps giving Butler these low seeds anyway?

Although let’s be honest,  Brad Stevens looks less like a basketball coach, than a wannabe actor who was cast in a bit part for the movie “Social Network.”

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And regarding all these rumors that coach K might be asked to coach the Lakers, why not Brad Stevens?  Or for that matter Tara Vanderveer or Pat Summitt?

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And sorry guys, the best pure basketball players in the San Francisco Bay Area just might be Chiney and Nnemkad Ogwumi.

(And yeah, say those names fast and/or try to spell them. Maybe it’s not just East coast bias that has most of  the media types rooting against Stanford.)

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Great line from Abraham Lincoln, quoted tonight by Tara Vanderveer to the Stanford women before their game against UNC: “I am a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down…”

VCU coach Shaka Brown, who has his lightly regarded team one win from the Final Four, says his dad named him after a South African king.   Wonder how long it will take for some people to claim Shaka ‘s an invalid leader because he clearly wasn’t born in the U.S.

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A Texas man was sentenced to 99 years in jail for his 16th DWI.  My question, who the heck were the judges who let him walk after his 15th, and 14th, and 13th…

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Michele Bachman gave a speech today in Des Moines bragging about her efforts to revoke government regulation of light bulbs, “I introduced the light bulb freedom of choice act!” That light bulb regulation, for what it’s worth, was signed into law by that noted “Enviro-Nazi” George W. Bush.

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A new portrait of Pedro Martinez has been unveiled in the National Portrait Gallery. Museum staff have already noticed some mornings that nearby portraits appear to have been knocked down.

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Bill Littlejohn’s take on the same subject:  “A portrait of Pedro Martinez is going to be displayed at the Smithsonian.  It’s the first thing Pedro has sent to the canvas since Don Zimmer.”

Finally, R.I.P Geraldine Ferraro. I always wish she had responded to Barbara Bush’s snide comment with “You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.”

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And then there were eight.

March 26, 2011

 Headline from tonight’s NCAA Sweet Sixteen matchup?   “The Buckeyes Stop Here.”   

And yes, another #1 seed, Ohio State, goes down in the 2011 NCAA tournament. Bad news for collectors who were hoping to buy one of those championship rings.

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After the loss, Ohio State’s freshman star Jared Sullinger said he would be returning for another season  – “I did make a decision and I’m definitely coming back next year. I need to work on a lot of things. I have to come back. I’m coming back to win.”

No mention in that statement of any secondary reasons to return to college for another year…. like going to class?

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In college football sometimes for big games, they introduce players by their name and major.  Wonder if they stopped doing that in basketball because the number one answer was “Major?”

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Arizona 93 – Duke 77. Now, the Stanford Cardinal played the Wildcats twice this year. Losing once by 10 and once by 9. Guess this is the closest Stanford has been in a while to having bragging rights on Duke.

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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips reiterated a comment he made earlier this week in a Fox news interview, saying that “Charlie Sheen still makes more sense than John Boehner.” Actually I would argue Charlie Sheen makes more sense than a lot of people, including Judson Phillips.

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The NCAA seeding committee is not happy losing three of their #1 teams before the “Elite Eight”  in the men’s tournament. Now that they’ve tweaked the number from 64 to 68, the next tweak for 2012 may be a “judge’s save.”

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A Cleveland Browns fan is suing the NFL, claiming the lockout violates his contract to buy tickets through his personal seat license. Actually, it’s more surprising a Browns fan hasn’t sued before – in theory the PSLs was supposed to entitle them to buy tickets to watch professional football.

So Newt Gingrich said Obama should enforce a no-fly zone, but now that the President has joined the coalition doing just that, Newt has changed his mind and says the no-fly zone is a mistake. Makes sense on some level, Gringrich has always had trouble with decisions involving his own fly.

And in the “We thought only U.S. elected officials had trouble with their own language, I give you this picture, from BBC news of a road sign in Wales.

Apparently the local council in Swansea, mindful that the law in Wales requires all signs to be bilingual,  sent off the request to their translation service, and had the sign made with the reply.

Except that what the sign means in Welsh?    “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated”.

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Bad boys and girls.

March 25, 2011

So how many Duke haters hate them more now? Since the Blue Devils’ getting trashed by Arizona busted their brackets?

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Despite his baggage, apparently nine NFL teams are talking to Cam Newton. Wonder if some day they will make a documentary of this titled “Smart Organizations, Foolish Choices?”

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The UConn Huskies, Butler Bulldogs and Arizona Wildcats all advanced to the Elite Eight. Shame the BYU Cougars lost in overtime to Florida. We could have subtitled the next round “Finding out the truth about cats and dogs.”

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Although speaking of catch phrases for this tournament, can SOMEONE please come up with something more original than the “Butler did it?”  (I don’t have one yet….maybe “Butler cleaning house?” Suggestions encouraged.

An air traffic controller was suspended at National Airport after he fell asleep on the job. A new rule has thus been implemented – controllers are no longer allow to go out for pre-flight Happy Hours with pilots.

At this point we don’t know if charges will be filed against the air traffic controller who fell asleep at National Airport.  In his defense, the controller said he did have a radio in the background turned to one of Joe Biden’s speeches.

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Sarah Palin said today “I’m through whining” about the media. Over-under as to whether this resolution lasts a longer or shorter time than Lindsay Lohan’s latest rehab?

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Britney Spears had planned an outdoor concert in San Francisco’s Castro district this weekend, but has cancelled it because of the weather. So several Castro residents are happily sitting back and saying “Cool, that rain dance worked.”

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Apparently rumors of a Charlie Sheen book deal were premature. Several publishers have said they rejected the proposal because of Sheen’s high price tag and unpredictable behavior. Hmm… this didn’t kill a similar deal for Sarah Palin.

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Michele Bachman is thinking of launching an exploratory committee to run for president in 2012. If it starts seeming like she has any chance at all for the GOP nomination, donations will be pouring in, from Democrats.

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Point of clarification, and an alas mostly serious statement:  Just as Bill Clinton’s impeachment was technically not about sex, Barry Bonds’ trial is technically not about steroids. Both were charged with lying to grand juries.

But meanwhile, other MLB players have long moved on to PEDs 2.0.

From Marc Ragovin:

So the New York City Council has renamed the 102 year-old Queensborough Bridge for 86 year-old former mayor, Ed Koch. One is an ancient, crumbling piece of infrastructure. The other’s a bridge.

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Higher math?

March 21, 2011

For anyone who thinks basketball players don’t need to go to class, Texas proved today it is nonetheless a good idea that they at least learn enough math to know how to count to five. 

Or at least enough history to remember what happened to Chris Webber when he forgot that too.

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Seminoles 71 – Fighting Irish 57. This news upset Notre Dame alums, residents of South Bend, IN, Gainesville, FL and approximately no one else.

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#11 seed Marquette over #3 seed Syracuse. One overrated Big East team knocks off another overrated Big East team.

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“Boilermaker” – a drink consisting of a beer chaser and a shot of tequila, whiskey or vodka. And what sports fans will be drinking tonight who had Purdue into the Elite Eight.

A T & T is now buying T-Mobile. And the new company will encompass the former Pacific Bell, SBC (Southern Bell) and about half the other original Bell companies. So just how big does A T & T have to get before the government breaks them up again?

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My favorite current factoid from the 2011 NCAA tournament: As we await the Sweet Sixteen there are as many teams from the Big East left as there are from Richmond, Virginia.

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Mark Barron, Alabama’s leading tackler in 2010, was arrested last night for misdemeanor “hindering prosecution,” (whatever that means.) No word on whether the school will suspend him in 2011 for the game against Kent State or the game against North Texas.

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Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend is apparently a 22 year old student from Ohio attending a Florida branch of Michigan-based Northwood University. Northwood states their mission is to develop “future leaders of a global, free-enterprise society.” So she’s old enough to respect Tiger’s money from free enterprise, and young enough that she maybe doesn’t member the details of Tiger’s marriage.

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Facebook tells me I have 12 friends who “like” Sarah Palin. I will refrain from comments other than to say that this proves the ability of social media to forge friendships that transcend traditional social boundaries. (But, okay, guys, really?)

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John Boehner is criticizing President Obama again, this time saying he has a “responsibility to define what the mission in Libya is, better explain what America’s role is in achieving that mission, and make clear how it will be accomplished.” Surprising that a Republican would ever again use “mission” and “accomplished” in the same sentence.

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Brackets are busting out all over.

March 20, 2011

Forget brackets and pools.  Back at the beginning of the season, who had the only California men’s college basketball team in the Sweet Sixteen as… San Diego State?

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And isn’t it about time the committee started giving Butler single-digit seeds?

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At this rate with their decidedly mediocre performances in the tournament, especially with #1 seed Pittsburgh losing, maybe we should start referring to the “Big East” as the “Big Easy.”

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Meanwhile, over in the women’s tournament, #1 seed Tennessee used every player on their roster in beating Stetson 99-34. Guess you can say Stetson had their hats handed to them.

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Another NCAA tournament, another early exit for Georgetown. Guess Hoya stands for “Highly Overrated Yet Again.”

 

 

 

Newt Gingrich blamed his infidelities on caring too much about the country.  Now Rudy Giuliani is comparing his own very public infidelities and three marriages to  Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts health care plan.

Even Bill Clinton is thinking – have you no shame?

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You know it’s a weird Presidential primary when the Mormon might be the only top tier GOP candidate with only one wife.

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Ann Coulter said this week in her column and on the “O’Reilly Factor” that radiation is “good for you.” So, in a spirit of bipartisan good wishes, can we take up a collection to send her to report on the Fukushima Nuclear plant?.

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A steak knife-wielding man held police and security guards at bay for nearly half an hour at the Staples Center .

Might be the best defense Clippers fans have seen all year.

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Just wondering: Now that the U.S. joined European nations in strikes against Libya, where’s the applause from all the conservatives who were complaining Obama should take action?

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Amtrak renamed the Wilmington, Delaware, train station Joseph R. Biden Jr. Railroad Station.  When Biden was a senator, he rode the train regularly to D.C. for 36 years.  Said the Vice President at the ceremony  “The truth is, I don’t deserve this, unless you reward longevity.”

And President Obama reminded him…they’re honoring the longevity of your service, not your speeches.

 

Canadian joke from my friend Gregg Drinnan in Kamloops , BC.  where he is sports editor of the Daily News: “Being a proud Canadian, I once again am rooting for Yukon to go all the way.”

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Presidential madness:

March 19, 2011

Barack Obama is 29-3 in his picks in the NCAA men’s tournament. The president is in the 100th percentile on ESPN.com’s Tournament Challenge, tied for 492nd out of 5,923,829 submitted brackets.

So hey, the U.S. is trying to come up with creative ways to fix the deficit – maybe Obama should take his talents to Las Vegas.

 

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On the other hand, now that he lives in Washington D.C. who better than Obama to be an expert on amateur basketball?   His home team is now the Wizards.

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But sorry folks,  referring to Thursday and Friday games in this year’s NCAA tournament as “second round” games  is B.S.   This was the FIRST round. Those little matchups on Tuesday and Wednesday were “play-in” games. Even the BCS is thinking “Have you no shame?”

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Michigan 75 – Tennessee 45. This game was so embarrassing that Volunteers fans are wondering if Lane Kiffin was somehow involved.

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Augie’s proposed headline for USC’s early exit – “Flaccid Trojans get Rammed.”

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Pete Kendall, the NFL players association representative says that negotiations broke off because the owners’ last offer suddently made salaries a fixed cost and was “kind of the old switcheroo.” Yeah, how does he think they became billionaires in the first place?

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The University of Michigan cancelled a planned trip with three games to Stanford this weekend due to a forecast of rain, and will instead play in a tournament at Eastern Michigan University. Which coincidentally saves a lot of money the school can use towards say….football?

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The AP Stylebook apparently has decided that it’s now “email” not “e-mail.” Just in time for the majority of the world to have switched to social media and texts.

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Dan Quayle defended President Obama’s golfing by saying “I’m glad he’s playing. I think presidents deserve down time. And believe me, he is in constant communication with what’s going on.”

And some in the GOP allegedly responded, yeah, well what does Quayle know? Who would ever think he was qualified to be president. Oops, never mind.

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A Florida State Senator wants to require that an alternative he calls “non-evolution” be taught in public school classrooms. Well,, I must say, as far as evidence against the theory of evolution, many of the residents – and elected officials – of Florida do provide pretty good examples.

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