Posted tagged ‘GOP jokes’

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Where have all the WSU fans gone?

September 29, 2013

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Stanford 55-, Washington State 17.   CenturyLink Field doesn’t seem nearly as noisy as when the 49ers played the Seahawks. #Cardinalrules

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Wonder if after tonight Jim Harbaugh will call David Shaw for advice how how to play in Seattle?

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Maybe NCAA will eliminate sanctions on USC if Trojans extend Lane Kiffin’s contract. #mercyrule

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Radio host Paul Finebaum called Lane Kiffin the “Miley Cyrus of college football.” He has a point. Under Kiffin’s leadership, USC football is childish, unwatchable and devoid of original moves.

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The Texas Rangers’ six game win streak to keep them alive in the wild card chase would be more impressive if they hadn’t sucked enough the rest of the month to fritter away an almost guaranteed playoff spot.

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Notre Dame has lost twice already this season. Irish eyes are not smiling. But everyone else’s are.

 

 

Bummer. Former Detroit Tiger, Gates Brown has passed away at the age of 74. One of my favorite baseball stories ever is from 1968 when Manager Mayo Smith unexpectedly called him to pinch hit. Gates had just grabbed two hot dogs, and didn’t want to waste them, so he stuffed them into his jersey. Then Brown hit a ball he stretched into a double, slid into second base and came up with hot dog and mustard all over his uniform.

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SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence for 5 years, $90 million. I guess he will be able to feed his family.

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A pastor was shot and killed while preaching today in Louisiana. The saddest thing, he wasn’t from the Westboro Baptist Church.

 

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From an anonymous friend;  “Let’s arm all the uninsured people, then let them work out a “market-based solution”. #GOPcare

BYU WR Cody Hoffman was suspended last night for “violating a team rule.” What, did he drink a cup of coffee or something?

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Not sure what a government shutdown does and doesn’t affect. But if the Tea Parties are serious about saving taxpayer money, assume they will voluntarily forgo their own salaries and healthcare for the duration?

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Stay classy, GOP. As the House tries again to shutdown the U.S. government with a bill to defund Obamacare here’s Rep. John Culberson of Texas, displaying his enthusiasm – “I said, like 9/11, ‘Let’s roll!’”

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And the hits just keep on coming?

August 18, 2013

 

 

Ryan Dempster appeared to have hit Alex Rodriguez deliberately in the ribs with a pitch tonight. A-Rod, however, has to count himself lucky that Bob Gibson is not still playing.

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Red Sox manager John Farrell talking about Dempster hitting A-Rod, “he had to establish his fastball in… I don’t know that he hit him on purpose, I don’t think he did…” He’d have done better defending Dempster by saying “My pitchers are good enough to hit someone intentionally on the first pitch.”

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Although at this point it’s hard to imagine the Red Sox dislike A-Rod anymore than the Yankees GM.  Brian Cashman’s relationship with Rodriguez makes George Steinbrenner’s with Billy Martin look positively cuddly.

 

Wonder how long it will take before the next intentional beaning to A-Rod comes in batting practice.

 

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The Obama family returned to the White House tonight after a 9 day vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. Many in Congress were critical of the trip, and no doubt more will criticize the President when when they return from their summer recess on Sept 9.

 

From T.C.   Ryan Dempster beaned A-Rod on a 3-0 pitch tonight. Yanks GM Brian Cashman sent Manager Joe Girardi out to argue the call.  Maybe to bring Alex back to the plate so Dempster could bean him again.

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Looks like the new Jobs movie is making about as much money as a sale on two-year old iPhones.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: Police in Huntington Beach arrested a man and charged him with vandalism for allegedly scrawling obscenities on the side of patrol cars. They were tipped off when he “liked” photos of those damaged patrol cars on the department’s Facebook page.

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In three games against the Marlins in Miami, the SF Giants have scored 25 runs. Wonder if the team flew in a nearby Haitian witch doctor for the weekend?

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How the NFL preseason has changed. Teams used to worry about how many players would be injured. Now they also worry about how many will be arrested.

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All the talk now is about the Los Angeles Dodgers…. what about the Detroit Tigers? Running away with their division, and doing it without much of a year from Justin Verlander. If he gets hot in the postseason….”

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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your brackets.

March 17, 2013

Why we know the same people who run the BCS are not on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament selection committee – not only did defending champions Kentucky not get in, but the field only has 3 SEC teams.

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Wonder what kind of shape the USA would be in if Americans spent as much time thinking about who they vote for as they do filling out their NCAA brackets? #Marchmadness

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So which happens first? President Obama releases his NCAA brackets? Or the GOP criticizes him for making time to select them?

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Wonder how busted most people’s brackets would already be if you had to know the city and state of any team picked, and for that matter at least one player on each team….

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Pat Boone called President Obama a Marxist. Wonder how many people these days actually remember what a Marxist is? For that matter wonder who many people actually remember who Pat Boone is?

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Now former Denver Bronco Elvis Dumervil has fired his agent. Wonder if he did it by fax.

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Just saw a commercial saying: “KFC whole chicken is delivered and prepared fresh by real cooks in our restaurants.” Is SNL starting to run their fake ads during the day now?

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Two high school football players in Steubenville were found guilty of raping a drunk 16 year old girl at a party last year. Proof perhaps that doing very bad stuff and posting it online trumps even society’s bias in favor of athletes.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently could miss her Monday morning court date because she missed her flight last night from NY to LA to stay and party at a local nightclub. Gosh, if she shows up the judge again Lindsay could face a really really stern warning.

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Mark Teixeira says his wrist injury may sideline him longer than originally thought, but added “I don’t know if it’s the beginning of May, the end of May, the beginning of June, I don’t know when it is but we got a whole bunch of season left and the time that really matters is the playoffs.” Uh, this assumes the NY Yankees make the playoffs.

 

Of course, GOP Rep. Steve LaTourette is retired so he can say this, “We’re supposed to wonder why we don’t have the women’s vote in this country when we have a candidate suggesting that a child born as a result of rape is a gift from God?” And “If we ever want to be a national party, then we have to look like America. Today we look like a bunch of white guys below the Mason-Dixon line.”

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Expect the unexpected.

April 26, 2012

Okay, about a month into the season who had the San Francisco Giants’ best starter being…. Barry Zito? Now okay, all you liars put your hands down.

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President Obama says that Mitt Romney isn’t going to be able to suddenly say, ‘Everything I’ve said for the last six months, I didn’t mean.’ And Mitt is thinking “Wanna bet?”

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Burger King, trying to differentiate themselves from their competitors, has vowed to use only cage-free chicken and pork in their food by 2017. Maybe they’d get more business if they promised to use those cages in their restaurants on some children.

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Folks in Arkansas are still pretty upset about the Bobby Petrino scandal. I mean, what was their coach doing in a car kissing a pretty young thing? And she wasn’t even his relative.

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And we wonder how lawyers get a bad reputation. In 2007 the Cosco Busan ship dumped over 50,000 gallons of oil into SF Bay after hitting the Bay Bridge. Attorneys for the owners are suing the Long’s (now CVS) pharmacy since they say it is partially their fault for giving the pilot his prescription medications.

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The Supreme Court seems sympathetic to Arizona’s immigration law. “What does government mean if it doesn’t allow states to defend its borders,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. Hmm, does that mean California can defend ourselves against those who don’t like, for example, our medical marijuana laws?

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The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. The perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/collections/all

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Thanks to Marc Ragovin for this insight, “how ironic that a black man sent Tim Thomas packing.”

And really, coincidence, or karma being one smart b*tch? Boston Bruins star goalie Tim Thomas turned down a visit to the White House for what he said were political reasons. And the Washington Capitals’ Joel Ward, one of the few black players in the NHL,  scored the series winning goal.

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Get out your hankies – Ann Romney in 1994, about her college years with Mitt:. “We were happy, studying hard. Neither one of us had a job, because Mitt had enough of an investment from stock that we could sell off a little at a time.” We “walked to class together, shared housekeeping, had a lot of pasta and tuna fish and learned hard lessons.”

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Mississippi’s Governor said today that Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children.” Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage?

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Back to sports: My latest little Top Ten readers list. (Since ESPN.com is still evaluating whether they want to bring the list back.) Looking for suggestions, now that he’s been suspended for that violent hit, and has some time on his hand, what’s your suggestion for a good new name for Metta World Peace?

Will post my favorites next Monday night.

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One one thousand, two one thousand….

December 23, 2011

You cannot make this “stuff” up – Christmas Eve Eve edition: Rick Perry apparently won’t appear on Virginia’s primary GOP ballot after he submitted petition without enough signatures. Maybe the Texas governor should have paid a little more attention in math class?

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Monta Ellis is denying comment on sexual harassment charges, and the Warriors are claiming that he and the woman he texted pictures of his junk to were in a “consentual relationship.” But the lesson here guys – love and lust may fade but cellphone records are forever.

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Matt Barkley has endeared himself forever to Trojan fans by returning for his senior year. Especially since after the Reggie Bush fiasco, staying at USC vs. the NFL actually means a pay cut.

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The release of Nike’s new retro Air Jordan basketball shoes caused near riots at many stores today. Many men responded to this with “Wow, Nike is bringing them back?” And women responded, “Riots? WTF, the things don’t even have heels.”

Said my comedy writer friend Alex Kaseberg: “First time in history the words shoe sale men and riot have ever been combined.”

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Michele Bachmann was confronted by the gay robot “RoboProfessor” (yes, really, the robot exists) in Iowa Thursday. Bachmann took it in pretty good humor. But then, she’s already learned how to deal with straight robots. How many debates has she done including Mitt Romney?

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Mitt Romney promised a college student on Thursday that a vote for him meant a job after graduation. But Mitt didn’t say whether it might be at Subway or McDonald’s.

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Donald Trump just switched his party affiliation from Republican to unaffiliated. This could end up meaning a possible 3rd party run. But for starters it means that none of the GOP candidates have done a good enough job of kissing his… “ring.”

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For NBA fans, the meaningless preseason games are over. And on Christmas morning the meaningless regular season games start.

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Hell has frozen over moment? USA Today projects the winner of the NBA’s Western Conference Pacific Division as the Clippers.

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Off the island?

October 26, 2011

President Obama said tonight he wasn’t going to worry about his 2012 challenger until “everybody’s voted off the island.” The response from the producers of “Survivor.” Hey, our contestants are serious people.”

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Listening to some of these GOP candidates for 2012 makes me realize – it’s just possible John McCain didn’t pick the dimmest bulb in the Republican stable.

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The latest GOP presidential poll shows Herman Cain leading Mitt Romney 25% to 21%. Who does these things? The BCS computers?

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Okay, Rick Perry in a CNBC interview downplayed being a birther but said it’s “fun to poke” at Obama over the birth certificate issue. Does that mean Perry would think it’s fun for more Democrats to poke at him regarding the “switch-hitting” issue?

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Major League Baseball now claims that Los Angles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt “looted” nearly $190 million from the team. $190 million? Hard to imagine anyone taking that much money from a team without earning it, well who wasn’t a player signing a long-term contract.

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John Lackey has now joined Dice K in having had Tommy John surgery, the second Red Sox hurler to do so in 2011. Maybe the Sox need to start using more lightweight pitchers for their beer.

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USC’s running back Dillon Baxter, once hyped as the next Reggie Bush, is still enrolled at the school but is off the football team, according to Lane Kiffin. Guess at least this gives the Trojans more room under the salary cap.

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Terrell Owens scheduled a workout to show NFL teams that he is ready to play. Not a single team representative showed up. Surprising. One might think T.O. would get interest from one of the “SuckforLuck” contenders.

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Missouri hasn’t even officially left the Big 12, but the conference has West Virginia already lined up as a replacement. Meanwhile the Big East is in trouble – will they look at Hawaii next? This conference stuff is getting harder to keep track of than celebrity marriages.

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Wonder how long it will take until we see Tony LaRussa in a Verizon commercial – “Can you hear me now?”

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Rick Perry’s new “simplified” flat tax proposal will give taxpayers the choice, pay tax based on the old code, or his new code. Because nothing says simplify by figuring your taxes out twice?

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President Obama appeared Tuesday night on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.’ And the reviews go well Barack next time will aim for an appearance on a show with a national audience.

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Apparently several publishers have actually turned down Casey Anthony’s book proposal. So, contrary to popular belief, there actually MAY be some depths to which some businesses won’t go to make a profit.

(Although to be fair, hard to imagine such a volume would be a popular Christmas gift for any family member.)

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Berry berry bad.

October 13, 2011

For some reason, Blackberries across the world have been experiencing service outages with their email, browsing and texting capabilities. Which comes at a particularly bad time for RIM with the recent release of the iPhone 4S. And here some people thought Steve Jobs would be bored up in heaven.

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Blackberry’s worldwide problems continued Wednesday, even resulting in major outages in the United States. Although the U.S. problems eased in the afternoon. So much for that morning drop in auto accidents while drivers couldn’t text and check their messages.

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“Too much technology” issue of the day: All these airlines pushing their travelers to do mobile boarding passes instead of paper…. Anyone who’s flying with a mobile boarding pass sent to their Blackberry today is completely, er, hosed. (PG version.)

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Meanwhile, in Oak Park, Illinois, the city is trying to cut down on “distracted” driving and considering making it illegal to eat while driving a car. Well, as long as they don’t make drinking coffee while driving illegal.

Personally I’d take my chances with a distracted driver holding a coffee cup over many people on the road before they had their morning caffeine.

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Postscript to NLCS game three and the NLDS: Hmm, maybe President Obama needs to have a squirrel run across the floor in Congress to rescue his jobs bill.

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Wednesday night in St. Louis, fans were given “Rally Squirrel” towels, plus the chance to buy a stuffed animal for $5. This whole phenomenon could be the squirreliest thing in MLB since Bud Selig said he had no idea about the steroid problem.

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Meanwhile, for the third game out of four in the ALCS there was at least a delay due to rain. Hmm, maybe God really is a Yankees fan.

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Theo Epstein has apparently come to terms with the Chicago Cubs to be their new GM. The contract is apparently for 5 years and $15 million. With the provision that if he gets the Cubs to the World Series, Epstein will be nominated immediately for sainthood.

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Boston College AD Gene DeFilippo has apologized to the ACC for saying in a newspaper interview that ESPN told the league to add Pittsburgh and Syracuse.

DeFilippo said in a letter that he “spoke inappropriately and erroneously regarding ESPN’s role in conference expansion.” Translation, ESPN may or may not have told the league to add the teams, but if they did they told us to shut up about it.

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Herman Cain leads in a new poll of GOP presidential candidates with 27 %. Mitt Romney remains where he usually is, in second place, this time with 23%. While erstwhile leaders Bachmann and Perry have fallen off. But let’s be real here, what these polls consistently show is that 75-80% of GOP voters want ANYONE but Romney.

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V.P. Joe Biden said Herman Cain’s “9-9-9” proposal would “unduly hurt the middle class in America.” Yeah, well that assumes there is still a middle class still left in America.

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A Massachusetts family that got lost in a seven-acre corn maze apparently called 911 for help yesterday. Stories like this make you wonder why Obama doesn’t throw up his hands and say “I quit, you Americans are hopeless.”

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Despite allegations that Cam Newton’s father “shopped” his services, and despite further allegations by former Auburn players that they were paid, the NCAA has determined that the university was not guilty of major wrongdoing and does not need to vacate their BCS championship. The ruling presumably cited the well-known “SEC codicil.”

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From T.C. CFL (Canadian Football League) update. THe Montreal Alouettes’ Anthony Cavillo has set the record for most career yards passing (72,429 yds) for all pro quarterbacks. Congrats were that he passed in the record books. (Dan Marino, Damon Allen and Warren Moon)

Brett Favre was noticeably missing, but that’s only because Deanna still has his video phone.

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From another funny friend (not T.C.) who wishes to remain anonymous: The Seahawks tried to trade Aaron Curry to the Raiders last week, too, but Al Davis said, “Over my dead body.”

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Fried-day night.

September 17, 2011

As we approach the weekend it is perhaps time to mark a momentous (and possibly very brief) occasion in the state of Michigan – for the first time in perhaps recorded memory, the Detroit Tigers, Lions and the UM Wolverines are all in first place.

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Whole Foods is introducing a new “Wellness Club” , with “lifestyle evaluation,” nutrition tips, classes and some discounts. The idea is to help shoppers “make educated and positive lifestyle choices that promote their long-term health and well being.” For $540 a year.

Note, the chain doesn’t talk about promoting financial well being, which would mean “Shop at a cheaper store.”

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Michele Bachmann made a brief appearance at a Marin county home today but was in and out of the Bay Area very quickly. Makes sense, Michele is anti-vaccine and she sure didn’t want to get “cooties.”

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Michele Bachmann, 55, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno Friday and talked about her opposition to Rick Perry’s requiring girls in Texas to have the HPV vaccine. She said it was less about the shot than the “abuse of executive power.” Fair enough, anyone who looks closely at Bachmann’s forehead knows that neither she nor Nancy Pelosi has any fear of needles.

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Many Americans who are only casually following the GOP presidential race might wonder “Who’s Ron Paul?” But the candidate just got an ringing endorsement from singer Barry Manilow. Said most Americans under 40 “Who’s Barry Manilow?”

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Tareq and Michaele Salahi, whose 15 minutes of fame comes from gatecrashing a White House party, have filed for divorce. Apparently Michaele is hanging out these days with Journey guitarist Neal Schon. The whole story proves wrong those Americans who said “I couldn’t care less,” about the latest Kardashian wedding.

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New York Mets manager Terry Collins said today his team has “folded it up.” Which means he only noticed this about three months after the rest of us.

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But yikes, Friday night NY beat Atlanta in the 12-2 at Turner Field. If the Mets have folded it up what does that make the Braves – origami?

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U.S. stocks rose again Friday which meant the market is on a 5-day winning streak for the first time in more than two months. Out of habit the GOP presidential candidates blamed it on Obama.

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Pat Boone spoke before the California GOP convention tonight. Makes sense, as the Republican party has become increasingly anti-evolution, it’s important for them to provide evidence that humans have co-existed with dinosaurs.

Dick Cheney is hard at work on the media circuit promoting his new book. And despite the rough year the President has had, Barack Obama at least can take comfort in knowing this sort of thing is one embarrassment he’ll be spared in the future. Because no one expects Joe Biden to be able to edit his thoughts down to one volume.

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TSA has fired or suspended 28 Honolulu airport employees after an internal investigation found the weren’t been screening checked bags for explosives. Yeah, but they got ALL those passengers who attempted to carry on four-ounce tubes of sunscreen.

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The King is dead, long live the …?

August 20, 2011

Burger King has apparently decided to stop using their creepy King mascot. Republicans responded to this news with – “Yet another job loss we can blame on President Obama.”

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Not getting this. All the GOP Presidential contenders say that Obama’s actions are making the economy worse. But they are calling on him to come home from vacation. Uh, if what he does hurts the economy, wouldn’t it be better for him to stay away?

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These days the San Francisco Giants are practicing an “Abstinence only” offense: No scoring.

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Some think the SF Giants just really need to get their confidence up by batting against a pitcher they can hit. Wonder if they could get a pickup game with a contender in the Little League World Series.

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from T.C. A bat on board grounded a Delta regional flight to Atlanta. It wasn’t the plane carrying the SF Giants, cause we all know they don’t have any bats.

The Chicago Cubs fired GM Jim Hendry after nine years. Nine years. It took the team that long to figure out Hendry wasn’t going to get them to the World Series? That’s like saying it took Hillary Clinton nine years to figure out Bill wasn’t going to be a faithful husband.

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With one of the highest payrolls and worst records in MLB, the Chicago Cubs on Friday announced they had fired GM Jim Hendry. According to ESPN.com the actual firing was July 22, but Hendry wanted to help the team by staying on through the July 31 trading deadline. Uh, if he were “helping” the team as GM, wouldn’t Hendry still be employed?

Bristol Palin has had a “T” tattoed on her right foot to signify family – as she said “Track, Trigg, Tripp and Todd.” Don’t forget “Trash.”

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Once again there are reports out of 49ers training camp that “Alex Smith looks good in practice.” What’s the reverse corollary of bad dress rehearsal – good play?

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Christine O’Donnell is now claiming that she walked out on the interview with Piers Morgan because he was sexually harassing here. O’Donnell may not have won her Senate race but she has accomplished something more difficult – making Piers Morgan seem almost sympathetic.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry when asked if he believes in evolution – “It’s a theory that’s out there.” Shame no one can ask God if He/She believes in Rick Perry.

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During his time at Texas A & M, Rick Perry was a “yell leader,” not a cheerleader, a “yell leader.” (They lead the crowd in chants at sporting events but don’t do flips etc.) On the official A & M yell leader website it states, “It is not uncommon for more than twice as many students to vote for yell leader candidates than vote in the Student Body President elections. In Texas, why am I not surprised

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The 2012 Amazing Race.

August 15, 2011

Just wondering, all these folks saying it’s God’s will that they run for President. Well, if God really does weigh in on these matters, I’m waiting for the first person to acknowledge God told them to sit down and STFU.

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Tim Pawlenty on Sunday dropped out of the Presidential race. Thus surprising millions of Americans who didn’t know he was IN the Presidential race.

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From Marc Ragovin: After finishing way out of the running in the Iowa straw poll, Tim Pawlenty said that he was dropping his presidential bid and would throw his support behind the eventual GOP nominee. That’s like the Clippers announcing that they are ceding five minutes of practice time to the Lakers.

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Keegan Bradley has won the PGA championship in a playoff. Even Scott Verplank and Steve Stricker are going, “Who?”

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The Southeastern Conference decided not to expand for football at this time and said they will not be adding Texas A and M. Maybe they’re holding out for a team that might be a better fit – the Carolina Panthers.

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Sarah Palin doesn’t seem too thrilled by Rick Perry’s decision to run for President: ““I was quite sure he wasn’t going to run because he was quite adamant about it about four months ago. Evidently, he evolved in his thinking.” Okay, political junkies, this might be the first time Palin acknowledged the concept of evolution.

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The San Francisco 49ers are now reportedly even looking at Daunte Culpepper at QB. Stay tuned, how long can it be until Harbaugh puts in a call to Brett Favre?

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Maybe the SF Giants are finally learning: Sometimes what you really need to complete an ensemble is a good Belt.

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Michele Bachmann stated today “I haven’t gone one place in Iowa or South Carolina or New Hampshire where anyone said, ‘Please raise my taxes.” Fair enough, but has she gone anywhere in any of those states where they said “Please cut my services, my Medicare or my social security.

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Since SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy was running out of players, in the ninth inning he ordered reliever Santiago Casilla not to swing (lest he risk hurting himself.)

Casilla walked on four pitches. Maybe Bochy should issue the same order to some of his struggling position players.

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A friend of mine got a suggestion from Twitter to follow Snooki. Wow. Snooki can write?

(and count to 140?)

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Neanderthals past and present:

July 24, 2011

New research adds DNA evidence to the theory that Neanderthals and humans started interbreeding between 50,000 and 80,000 years ago. In related news, Ben Roethlisberger was married today.

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Gary Morton’s comment on the wedding -“As a tribute to Roethlisberger’s free-wheeling-bachelor past, the church’s restrooms were sealed off with yellow crime scene tape.”

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A Florida man was arrested for trying to ship $30,000 of crystal methamphetamine in a package of Meow Mix. Police became suspicious when neighbors reported his cats were chasing birds by flying into trees.

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Fourteen in a row for the Mariners. At what point do wins against Seattle start getting an asterisk?

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After Ohio State vacated all of last year’s wins and coach Jim Tressel was forced to resign, the NCAA has nonetheless decided that they will not be banned from any postseason games. The Buckeyes, in fact, are now considered Rose Bowl favorites. Four words- “Money, money, money, money.”

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Speaker Boehner has walked out of debt reduction talks because he will not accept ANY “revenue enhancements.” So when did those “inalienable” rights become life, liberty, and the pursuit of lower taxes on millionaires?

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Supporters of Sarah Palin were incensed that the as yet undeclared candidate was left off an August straw poll for GOP presidential contenders in Iowa.

Actually, responded the organizers of the ballot, we considered including Palin’s name, but we quit that idea about halfway through the process.

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Linda Christian, the first Bond Girl, died at the age of 87.  Not to say she was old, but rumor has it when Christian had a role in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” Her Majesty was Queen Victoria.

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The term “Death Wish” is overused. But in Amy Winehouse’s case it appears to have been completely appropriate.   A sad story.  Hope Lindsay Lohan is taking notice.

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And while we’re on the serious track :  So after this horrible Norway massacre yesterday, should security start profiling tall blond men? (That description, as my friend Steven points out, also fits Timothy McVeigh.)

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One hit wonders?

June 21, 2011

These days that describes what a lot of major league ballplayers aspire to be on a given day.  (11 Major League Teams are hitting under .250)

 

Nearing the midpoint of the 2011 season, the San Francisco Giants have 46 home runs as a team. Considering that Posey and Freddie Sanchez could be both out for the season, wonder if there’s a chance that the team won’t match Barry Bonds’ 2001 total of 73?

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Buster Posey is out for the year after a collision at home plate. Albert Pujols is out over a month after a collision at first base. And Bud Selig is just trying to think of a rule that would basically translate to “Don’t run into superstars.”

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San Diego Zoo officials are delighted to announce the arrival of a new baby gorilla, the first gorilla born at the Safari Park in nearly 11 years. The only potential worry – some think the baby looks a bit like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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NHL star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom has announced he will return for a 20th season with the Red Wings. Which is a big relief to Detroit fans, who were worried he would decide to spend more time with his grandchildren.

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Glee’s co-creator Ryan Murphy has indicated that the show’s seniors leave the show after season three because they will actually “graduate.” Makes sense. For the most part they’re playing singers, not football players.

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Ryan Dunn, 34 ,one of the stars of MTV’s “Jackass,” died Monday in a 3 a.m. car crash. Police say speed “may have been a factor,” and a few hours before the crash he posted a twitter picture of himself drinking with friends. Sad, but sounds likely there were few people more likely to end up with a Darwin award.

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Mitt Romney is now being attacked by other GOP candidates for not signing a pledge to make abortion an absolute litmus test for judges. Anyone else getting the idea that if Attilla the Hun was running for the Republican presidential nomination he’d be attacked for being too moderate?

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In honor of Jack McKeon being back managing the Marlins, rumor has it that all hotdogs purchased at the stadium by 6pm will be at “early bird special” prices.

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Bill Schmarzo reminds us, McKeon’s Dominican passport says he’s only  36.

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From Chad Picasner:  McKeon won’t actually officially take over the club until the Marlins complete the handicap ramp from the dugout to the field.

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The riots in Greece continue. I didn’t even know they had hockey finals over there.

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John McCain claimed this weekend that there was “substantial evidence” that some of the Arizona wildfires had been started by illegal immigrants. But there is actually no evidence, as even firefighters state. And where was McCain’s outrage when a man born here in the US took advantage of Arizona’s loose gun laws to shoot all those people in Tucson?

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Drive time:

June 15, 2011

Oregon star cornerback Cliff Harris was caught driving 118 mph on a suspended license early last Sunday morning.  But wait, it gets better. Turns out according to ESPN that the car was rented and paid for by a female university employee.  Who says that a friend of Harris’s asked to use the car, and paid her the cost of the rental in cash.

The woman added that she had no idea Harris would drive the car, and didn’t even know if his friend is on the team.

Yep, this should silence all those naysayers who say the Ducks don’t have a big-time football program.

(Not sure what will happen to Harris and his friend, but the woman, if she is fired by Oregon, should have a great chance to be hired by Jim Tressel.)

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New OSU head football coach Luke Fickell, a former assistant to Jim Tressel, said he had no idea about any NCAA rules violations: “I wasn’t going to say that I had blinders on, but I was very focused. I was not informed of any information until it became public knowledge.” Considering the cars his players were driving, having blinders on might have been Fickell’s best defense.

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Dirk Nowitzki, on Mark Cuban’s comment that he might want to reward the team with something other than “old school” rings – “I think I would vote for a ring. I mean, I’m a man. I don’t know how I’d feel about a bracelet. I’ve gotta go with a ring.” Besides in the NBA, when most players hear “bracelet,” they think “ankle.”

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Justin Verlander almost threw his third no-hitter tonight. Most teams look at him and think “I hope we don’t have to face him this year.” The Yankees think “I wonder how he’ll look in pinstripes.”

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Crystal Harris has apparently just called off her Saturday wedding to Hugh Hefner. Maybe Hef shouldn’t have told her about that pre-nuptial physical in which the doctor told him he was in good health and likely to live for many more years….

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A second judge turned down a request by Prop 8 supporters to disqualify the judge who overturned California’s ban on same-sex marriage, simply because the first judge was in a long-term relationship with another man. Makes sense, we don’t disqualify heterosexual judges in all rulings involving traditional marriages.

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Mark Cuban left a $20,000 tip at a Miami Beach nightclub after the Mavericks’ celebration party.  Along with a free tip for the Heat ownership – it takes more than three superstars to make a team

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For their NBA finals win over Miami, Governor John Kasich of Ohio just declared the Mavericks honorary Ohioans. For their surrender in the fourth quarter, how long will it take for the Heat to be declared honorary French?.

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Commie pinko time:

GOP 2000 – George W. will make our strong economy stronger. GOP 2004 – we need to re-elect Bush as the best man to fix the economy after 9/11. GOP 2008 – Bush did as well as anyone could have with this tough global economy, McCain will keep us on the right track. GOP 2012 – It’s all Obama’s fault.

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The verdict:

April 14, 2011

We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron’s record really thought he was clean?

My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband.

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So how long until someone tries to allege Brian Wilson’s beard is a PED – performance enhancing device?

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Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “In it to win it.”

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A T & T is sending out a new free magazine, with the caption on the front  – “See the many ways A T & T is committed to serving our Northern California customers.”

Here’s a suggestion for the phone company:  Can the magazine, save the money, and use it to upgrade your coverage.

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Okay, I’ll take Kobe Bryant at his word that he’s not a homophobe and the slur he muttered against a referee (rhymes with sucking maggot), “came strictly out of anger and shouldn’t be taken literally.” But just wonder how Byrant would have reacted had a referee “strictly out of anger” insulted him with the “n” word.

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A Washington state couple has been arrested and charged with with keeping their 6 and 7 year old children in a cage. What kind of monsters use a cage for young children? For teenagers, maybe.

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AL MVP Josh Hamilton will be out for six to eight weeks with a fracture in his arm he sustained by sliding into home plate. Well, at least this is one misfortune that is unlikely to befall the 2011 Red Sox – their players are rarely running from third to home.

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Back to Barry:  So is one of the other verdicts of the Bonds trial that chicks who dug the long ball ended up with guys with small balls?

And before we breathe a sigh of relief; while THIS trial is over, since it was a hung jury, federal prosecutors and the Justice Department will have to decide whether to retry Bonds on the unresolved counts. Uh, can we be done now?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit.His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds”

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If they do retry Barry Bonds, or when they have the  Roger Clemens trial, I have one wish: Will someone PLEASE call Bud Selig to the stand and ask him under oath about his statements that he had no idea MLB had a Performance Enhancing Drug problem?

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Ever get the sense we’re all unpaid extras in Trump’s new “reality’ show – “Who Wants to be a Presidential Candidate?”

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Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is sort of running for the GOP Presidential nomination, though he hasn’t made it official. The hang up – he’s trying to think of a better slogan than “I’m not as crazy as the rest of them.”

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