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Flori-duh, again.

May 15, 2013

At a Florida Starbucks, a woman accidentally shot her friend in the leg when she dropped her purse and a .25-caliber handgun inside discharged. She told police she put the gun in her purse when her father gave it to her last year and had forgotten about it. Wow, and I thought I had too much junk in the bottom of MY purse.

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Open question to those in the GOP wanting to make sure the IRS never again targets political groups asking for tax-exempt status – so assume you are okay with all the potential 501 (c) (4) groups that are forming even now who just happen to support the same policies as, say, Hillary Clinton?

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OJ Simpson wants a new trial for stealing personal memorabilia he said dealers had stolen from him. Simpson admitted yelling at the dealers when he took the stuff, saying “I wanted them to feel my pain.” Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman’s families have SO much sympathy for him….

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All these writers talking about why the U.S. shouldn’t intercede in Syria. Thinking it can be boiled down into three words – “Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.”

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Don’t get me wrong, what the IRS did was wrong. But if you WERE going to investigate potentially fraudulent tax-exempt applications, suppose it’s not a crazy idea to start with organizations whose announced mission is to be against taxes.

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Rough day for Seattle basketball fans – NBA owners voted today that the Kings should stay in Sacramento. Which means the only thing that Seattle folks had to smile about was the Memphis Grizzlies upset series win over the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Leave politics aside. Who else would tune in to watch Darrell Issa and Eric Holder compete in Celebrity Boxing?

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Just how embarrassing was this two day visit to Toronto for the SF Giants? They may have had to leave town wearing Maple Leafs jerseys.

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Somehow I missed the news report where the #SFGiants had their gloves confiscated on arrival by Canadian customs?

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Orb drew the rail.:  And after Saturday, depending on who wins the Preakness, millions of Americans may pretend they understand that sentence.

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From Jim Barach: “Donald Trump will have to testify at a civil trial in Chicago over one of his condos. The worst part is when he takes the witness stand and swears in with “I swear to tell the truth…so help me Me.”

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Carlos Zambrano has signed a contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Wonder if it’s to pitch or replace the Phillie Fanatic?

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Green Bay Packers Pres.& CEO Mark Murphy said that the Packers hope to have Brett Favre “back involved in the organization soon” and to retire his jersey. And Favre is thinking, why retire it when I can still play?

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92 people were caught in an Orlando prostitution sting, including one man who ended up soliciting an undercover cop on his honeymoon. Talk about bringing your bride to Fantasyland….

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Forcing the force?

March 2, 2013

Oops, Obama confused Star Trek and Star Wars by referring to a possible “Jedi Mind Meld” with Republicans. So much for that title “E! Online” gave the President of “Commander in Geek.

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Just as well in some ways the President messed up the line,  these days had he gotten the Star Wars reference right, Republicans might have accused him of being born on the asteroid colony Polis Massa

 

A CNN lab test of Budweiser showed that the beer contained 4.94% alcohol by volume, compared with 5% stated on the label. Oh the horror. Where’s the class action lawsuit?

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Gov. Chris Christie says he will appeal a decision upholding a ban on sports gambling in New Jersey. Of course what he means is “legal” sports gambling in New Jersey.

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Not sure what it says about our country that more Americans seem to care about President Obama’s mixing of Star Wars and Star Trek metaphors than the sequester….

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Dorothy Hamill, 56, is appearing this weekend in San Jose in the “Stars on Ice” tour. Wonder if the show’s grand finale will feature Hamill screaming “You punks get off my rink.”

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Facebook is having reporters come to their headquarters next week to “come see a new look for News Feed.” What, have too many users gotten comfortable with the current version?

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Manti Te’o says no teams asked about his sexual orientation at the NFL Combine. Which is good, but have to wonder if it’s because some teams figured they didn’t have to….

 

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Now traces of horse meat have been found in food served at Taco Bell’s UK restaurants. This fortunately would never happen in the U.S. No one has ever accused our Taco Bell food of containing any actual meat.

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The President of Groupon was fired yesterday. Wonder if the board told him by sending him a message saying his deal had expired.

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A Florida man was apparently swallowed last night by a sinkhole under his bedroom. Other Floridians were dismayed, especially as the man wasn’t Governor Rick Scott.

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Okay, it’s tacky, but anyone else think this Hugo Chavez death watch is turning into a Monty Python skit? “Not dead yet, sleeping…”

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From Marc Ragovin:    “So Dennis Rodman has been hanging out with Kim Jung Un. One is an unstable madman bent on world destruction, while the other is the leader of North Korea.”

 

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Well, it wasn’t on the warning label….

February 27, 2013

A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners, maybe we need to start with IQ tests.

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A thought about former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, who just died at the age of 96, was a conservative evangelical Christian. But he supported condoms and sex education in schools to help stop the spread of AIDS. These days some in the GOP would have called for his recall.

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Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is in trouble for sending a letter to the Santa Monica and L.A. City Attorneys claiming he is working with the prosecutor to “fix” Lindsay. “Fix Lindsay Lohan?” It would be easier to turn this into a bipartisan session of Congress.

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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie today became the eighth GOP Governor who, while decrying Obamacare, decided he would accept the portion that expands Medicaid to more low-income adults in his state. So should we start a pool on who will be ninth?  (Or as my friend Linda asks, “who will be last?”)

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Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia says he’s not worried about the apparent 10-15 extra pounds Mike Trout packed on in the offseason. The young man after all is still only about half a Panda.

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Miss Delaware Teen USA, who just turned 18, has given up her crown after she was reportedly seen in a sex video. On the brighter side, the precocious young woman could be named an honorary Kardashian.

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The California Legislative Women’s Caucus  formally complained Wednesday to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar hosting “struck a new low in its treatment of women.”    Uh oh, has anyone warned these folks about that “50 Shades” moving coming out?

(And I realize not all my women friends will agree with me here, but come on, Seth MacFarlane, what did they EXPECT?  Especially if any one’s seen “Family Guy.”  Maybe he should have also done a reprise of the SNL skit “D*ck in a box.”)

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Another Oscar thought from Alex Kaseberg:  ” The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over.”

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From my funny friend Jim Barach,  (this one’s for my son, Carey Schwartz.) :   “Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.”

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Bowled over? More like at least the bowls are over.

January 8, 2013

Okay, so this whole convoluted system produced exactly one semi-close BCS bowl game – Stanford 20-14 over Wisconsin. In the same Pac 10/12-Big 10 Rose Bowl match up that existed before the BCS got started.

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Ah yes, SEC dominance. And Alabama only lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to LSU and Florida. And Florida lost to Louisville, who only lost to Syracuse and Connecticut. And Connecticut only lost to NC State, Temple. Rutgers, USF, Cincinnati, Syracuse and Western Michigan.

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Sorry Notre Dame, God had only one miracle planned for this evening and he used it on the Washington Wizards against the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Wonder if at halftime Notre Dame coach invoked St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes.

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The best drama in the BCS championship was between Alabama’s QB and his center.

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Could there have been a better-matched amateur opponent for Alabama in the second half? I think Mark Sanchez and the Jets were available.

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Oops, A computer glitch at Ticketmaster resulted in President Obama’s two official inaugural balls being sold out hours before they were supposed to go on sale. Proving once again that the private sector can easily match the government for incompetence.

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According to ESPN sources, the Cotton Bowl is a “prohibitive favorite” to host the first college football national playoff title game on Jan. 12, 2015.. Well, that’s one way to get a meaningful future postseason game in Dallas.

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For many Monday was the first work day of 2013. You know what that means, time to stop writing 2011 on papers and checks.

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In Florida, nearly 400 people have signed up for the Python Challenge, where for a month in the Everglades they can try to shoot the invasive snakes that threaten the local wildlife. Neither experience with snakes nor hunting licenses are required, except for under-18s. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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Burger King ran a commercial today during the NFL playoffs about what was “our best Whopper.” Bill Clinton overheard and thought “probably ‘I did not have sex with that woman.'”

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Zach Ertz, who red-shirted his freshman year is foregoing his last year of eligibility at Stanford, and will enter the NFL draft, graduating in June with a B.S. in Management Science and Engineering. Darn those Cardinal four-and-done athletes.

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A new book “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success.” says the jobs with the highest rate of psychopaths. 1 CEO, 2. Lawyer, 3. Media (TV-Radio) 4. Salesperson, 5. Surgeon, 6. Journalist, 7. Police, 8. Clergy, 9. Chef, 10. Civil servant. What? No politicians?  (Or professional athletes?)

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly turned down a $3 million offer for their baby’s first photos. Presumably because they’re holding out for a higher offer?

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Rand Paul’s 19 yr old son was arrested after getting off a US Airways flight Saturday morning and charged with underage drinking, being intoxicated and disruptive, and disorderly conduct. I blame Obama.

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Is there some unwritten rule that Staples Center in Los Angeles can only be home to one good NBA team at a time?

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Tone deaf and dumb.

January 3, 2013

Wow, just wow. Pennsylvania Gov. Corbett says he waited until now to sue the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State because he wanted time to research, and he “did not want the case to interfere with the football season.” Sounds like the same priorities that got the university in trouble in the first place.

 

 

The Dow rose 308 points today. I blame Obama.

 

Can only what imagine what she expects of parenthood: Kim Kardashian says about being pregnant “it’s not as easy as people think.” Really?! Isn’t there some nice staple gay couple that might want to adopt her baby?

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ESPN reports that Oregon coach Chip Kelly may be interviewing with the Bills, Browns and Eagles. What, Kelly wants to prove he can be successful with a team with a salary cap?

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Just maybe those SEC supremacists might want to tone down their gloating about other conferences?

 

Wonder after the Gators’  Sugar Bowl performance if the Big East will now extend an invitation to Florida?

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Another Sugar Bowl thought  -once again we saw a team that isn’t benefiting by having Tim Tebow on the sidelines.

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On a positive note,

Thanks to Mark and Gary who pointed out that Stanford’s David Shaw was the first African-American coach to win a BCS bowl game.  Well, now we have two.  Congrats to Charlie Strong.

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You have to wonder about Americans’ cooking skills when a package of frozen plastic wrapped fish fillets starts with the directions “Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Remove all packaging…”

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Many are commenting on how Hugh Hefner, 86, apparently forgave his new bride Crystal Harris, 26, for leaving him at the altar in 2011. Although isn’t it just as likely that Hef didn’t remember?

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Seven coaches fired Monday. And wonder how many of the NFL teams who decided they needed a fresh start will go about it by recycling one of those fired coaches?

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A report out of DC indicates that John Boehner at one point during fiscal cliff negotiations told Harry Reid to “go f*ck himself.” Who knew Boehner has aspirations to be Vice President?

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Ray Lewis says he will retire after this season. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Starbucks will start selling a reusable plastic cup for $1 that will provide a 10 cent discount on any coffee drink. Wonder how long it will take until that discount becomes a surcharge on anyone who doesn’t bring the cup?

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A paparazzo was struck and killed by a car after taking pictures of Justin Bieber’s Ferrari in Los Angeles. And the singer wasn’t even driving it. Darwin would be so proud.

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Banana Republic.

December 30, 2012

A new study from an Ohio State engineering professor shows that as many as 49,000 people in Central Florida, mostly Democrats, did not vote because of long lines and other problems at the polls. The Florida GOP is appalled. They clearly made voting too easy.

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Arizona State put up 62 points on Navy before the end of the third quarter today in the Kraft Fight Hunger bowl. Clearly the military is not as strong as it should be. I blame Obama.

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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton’s new five-year contract is reportedly for $8 million annually. Wow. That’s almost as much as a mediocre relief pitcher.

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Open note to Facebook friends. I thought a “like” or a comment was enough to say I am reading your posts, Not adding a one-word comment and reposting the status asking all my friends to do the same thing. I like my friends but I hate chain letters. 🙂

 

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The report is that the Cleveland Browns will fire coach Pat Shurmur on Monday. Bummer for all those who had Rex Ryan or Norv Turner in the pool.

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New York City, including Manhattan, is expecting to 2 to 4 inches of snow in a current storm. Of course, since this is New York, residents and the media feel this total counts for 2 to 4 feet in lesser towns.

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The Senate is working this weekend trying to come up with a last minute solution to avoid the fiscal cliff. Should we be happy they are at least making a serious effort, or furious that it took them so long?

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Stanford women’s basketball looked so bad Saturday against UConn, especially in the first half, expected Tara VanDerveer to have accused the team at halftime of playing like boys.

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Terrelle Pryor will start for the Oakland Raiders Sunday. So looking like an unhappy Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez could both be traded. If they end up on the same team what a dilemma for a coach – which one do you bench first?

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Katie Holmes’ first starring role on Broadway will come to an end two months earlier than expected as her play “Dead Accounts” will close. Guess Katie was as successful playing the lead role as she was playing at a marriage with Tom Cruise.

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Syracuse beat West Virginia 38-14 in the Pinstripe Bowl. Well, at least one New York football team has had a decent December.

 

Love this story from the Palo Alto Daily Post: Two parents, 52, and their daughter, 22 are in custody after being arrested for shoplifting at Nordstrom’s. The women were caught outside the store, but the father escaped. Until he called police that night to report his wife and daughter missing. Family bonding…. Well, at least they’re all in the same jail.

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Flori-duh and beyond.

December 23, 2012

GOP Florida governor Rick Scott sent President Obama a letter requesting that he invoke federal law to order a cooling-off period to prevent a longshoremen’s strike. Of course if Barack complies wonder how long it will take Scott to rail again against overreaching federal government authority.

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Tim Tebow is reportedly going to the Jacksonsville Jaguars in 2013. Could be a good fit. Tebow always did a great job when surrounded by top college-level talent.

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Rubert Murdoch’s New York Post called NRA leader Wayne LaPierre a “gun nut” and “NRA loon” on its Saturday cover. For the uninitiated, this is about as likely as Fox News saying something nice about President Obama.

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Would the NRA next like to suggest the public places they DON’T believe should have armed guards? It might be a shorter list.

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A recent study showed people did significantly better on tough math problems when they were in the company of their pets. So maybe animals are soothing. Although in the case of cats, perhaps their presence just reminded their owners to relax and not give a sh*t.

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“Bob’s,” a Brazilian fast-food chain, has introduced edible wrapping for its burgers. McDonald’s is thinking of following suit, although a sticking point might be that wrapping would probably have more nutritional value than their hamburgers.

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President Obama is in Hawaii for a few days at Christmas. Waiting for the first detractor to condemn him for taking a foreign vacation…

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A judge said the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB and the NCAA can move forward with their attempts to stop New Jersey’s plans to allow sports gambling. Can’t wait to see Chris Christie weigh in on this one….

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The “R + L Carriers” New Orleans Bowl today featured Eastern Carolina vs. Louisiana-Lafayette?!. Sounds like a sign from God to men that they really should turn off the television and go Christmas shopping.

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From T.C.  ” The best selling NFL jersey this year belongs to Washington’s RGIII. Kids in Africa still wearing “2007 Patriots Perfect Season 19-0”  jerseys are looking forward to receiving free Jets’ Tebow and Sanchez ones in time for Christmas.”

 

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Repeats.

November 8, 2012

So when the World Champion SF Giants and President Barack Obama meet in 2013 at the White House, will both be thinking “Didn’t expect to see you here again.”?

 

 

Serious meltdown from a disappointed Karl Rove last night over the election.    At least he isn’t a Lakers fan.

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Mark McGwire will be the Los Angeles Dodgers’ next hitting coach. I guess this is the end of L.A. fans taunting the S.F. Giants about their association with PEDs and Barry Bonds?

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Some things never change. Florida is heading for a recount. Take all the time ya’ll want this year….

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Not that it matters nearly as much as in 2000. But if the Supreme Court is going to end up giving Florida’s electoral votes to the GOP, can they announce it now and save the state a lot of recount money?

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Get the sense Mitt Romney won’t be campaigning for Chris Christie’s re-election next year? The New Jersey governor is bristling at suggestions he cost Romney the White House with his praise for Obama and when asked what went wrong for Mitt replied “He didn’t get enough votes.”

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The law of unintended consequences. Does the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado and Washington mean a huge advantage for free agent recruiting with the Rockies, Mariners, Nuggets, Broncos and Seahawks?

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Former Texas football coach Darrell Royal, 88, has died. Will always remember the story when the Longhorns were way down at halftime and players expected a blistering speech. Allegedly Royal never came into the locker room, until the bell rang, when he stuck his head in and said “Well, girls, shall we go?” Texas won the game.

 

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Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana last night. Well, it’s high time!

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Puerto Rico last night backed a referendum calling for U.S. statehood. Wonder how many Americans wouldn’t mind exchanging them for Florida?

 

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Well after the election we can all get back to a little Yankee bashing since in 2013 New York will once again have the highest payroll in baseball….. Uh wait a minute, scratch that. Your turn, Dodgers.

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303.

November 7, 2012

Electoral votes.  Pending Florida,  which is heading for another recount.  Y’all take all the time you want this go around.

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Bipartisan thought. So why schedule elections on a Tuesday when one way or another it means a lot of people hung over on a Wednesday?

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Eleven point gender gap as women went for Obama 55 to 44.   So is the next step for the GOP an attempt to repeal the 19th amendment?

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Saddest thing about Mitt Romney’s loss for our country as a whole – many in the Republican party will think he lost for not being extreme enough.

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Late this evening ,  Mitt Romney called  President Obama to concede. As a Californian  I am more than happy to wish Mitt a very happy retirement in our great state.-

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President Obama is talking so much about hope in the face of what seems like insurmountable odds I almost expect him to declare himself a retroactive SF Giants fan.

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CNN called California, Hawaii and Washington at 15 seconds after 8:00pm. What took them so long?

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For that matter CNN  also said  Romney would win Utah as soon as the polls closed.  . Uh, they could have called that in January 2009.

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Was Joe Donnelly’s win in Indiana a “gift from God?”

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Tough night in the Mitt Romney “war rooms.”    Enough almost to drive a Mormon to drink?

 

 

From my very funny friend Neil Berliner: “Pack the dog up on the roof, Ann.”

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And to anyone who’s made it this far, tomorrow this blog is back to more sports.

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T’is the season.

November 2, 2012

In case anyone thought it’s only the U.S. that is out of control with early holiday shopping – in London, Santa’s Grotto is open at Harrods tomorrow as Father Christmas arrives – November 3!

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Despite long lines and urging from the League of Women Voters, Florida Gov. Rick Scott on Thursday today refused to extend early voting through Sunday. Of course, if he could Scott would probably deal with the lines by dismissing the 19th amendment.

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As Americans deal with countless last-minute emails asking for campaign money, more people on both sides of the aisle might start agreeing with John McCain. When he said that Citizens United was the Supreme Court’s “worst decision ever.”

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Steve Spurrier now says that Alabama could beat some NFL teams. Well, based on his tenure with the Redskins, maybe a lousy NFL team IF Spurrier was coaching them.

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Watching Chris Christie and Barack Obama together – whoever thought a potential election game-changer might include the words “Jersey Shore?”

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It’s only two games into the NBA season. But who do the newly star-studded Los Angeles Lakers think they are? The Dodgers?

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Here’s a bipartisan cheerful thought. In five days, we won’t have to read a single news story involving polls….. (Until candidates start running for 2016, which should take about a week.)

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Well, this ought to take care of the stereotype of NFL players as pampered and out of touch: Since their usual hotel still doesn’t have power, the Pittsburgh Steelers now will fly into Newark Sunday morning and bus to the Meadowlands for a 4:25pm kickoff against the NY Giants. Oh, the horror.

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Proving that there is nothing in America that isn’t an excuse for a sale – Macy’s advertising an “Election Day Sale.” (Shame there isn’t a further discount if you can prove you have voted.) Standby for “Hurricane Sandy” sale to follow.

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Mitt Romney’s campaign dismissed New York Mayor Bloomberg’s endorsement of President Obama as inconsequential. Gosh, if they said that earlier maybe Bloomberg might have made up his mind sooner.

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Dying for attention?

October 8, 2012

In Florida, the 32 year-old winner of a roach-eating contest died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms.. Darwin would be so proud. (And what’s scarier than eating roaches? The fact that this guy was a swing-state voter.)

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Could it get any worse for the NY Jets? Well, tonight there was this tweet ““Hey JETS!!!” I’m available! I’m ready, willing & able!” The tweet, no joke, was from Terrell Owens.

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Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, “In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts.” Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy.

 

Nice job tonight,   Baltimore Orioles.  Good to see that it is still possible to wear Orange and Black on a baseball diamond and score runs.

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TBS announcers actually bragging that for “the first time, MLB network has the playoffs.” Really? Am surprised they don’t tell folks who can’t afford the network and have to follow the games onlne or on radio to eat cake while they’re at it.
(Of course,  let’s be fair, if Roger Goodell could put the Super Bowl on pay-per-view, he would.)

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A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that’s not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for.

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Mitt Romney said today in a speech that the U.S. needs to be “more assertive” in the Mideast. Apparently we haven’t started enough wars and spent enough trillions yet.

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Monday should have been one of Mitt Romney’s favorite holidays: In many ways Christopher Columbus was the first to really profit from offshoring.

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In Berkeley,  Monday was  “Indigenous People’s Day.” Although these days the California schools are in such bad shape the harder goal may not be learning history but to get kids to be able to spell “Indigenous.”

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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select reporters and other media representatives.

 

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A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader will avoid jail in a plea deal where she admitted having sex with a 17-year-old who was her student at a Northern Kentucky high school. Many were outraged by the deal, especially other boys who wanted her sentenced to teach at THEIR school.

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Another thought about last night’s game at A T and T Park. Was T.S. Eliot really an SF Giants fan before his time “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”

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Maria Shriver is reportedly wearing her wedding ring again, despite Arnold’s new autobiography detailing several affairs and lies. Maybe Schwarzenegger has convinced her that he really is a true Kennedy.

 

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Gary M.   starts this last one off:  “After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have split up. He’s 67, she’s 64…divorcing in their 60′s seems a bit short-sighted.”

TC  adds “That joke went over my head.”

Have at it folks,  this could go on for a while.  The whole thing could be a little much.

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Our short national nightmare is over.

September 26, 2012

The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.

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From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout:   Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!

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Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.

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A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.

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Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.

 

(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers.  For those who haven’t been to Florida,  Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)

 

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Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.

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A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.

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Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.

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Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.

 

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Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address…    “Dear Janice….  “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”

 

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How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said  –  “Not winning.”

 

 

 

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Twits and Tweets.

June 8, 2012

Triple Crown Candidate “I’ll Have Another” has a Twitter account. Well, the horse is probably more likely to say something intelligent than most professional athletes..

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T.C’s comment “Remember, if you don’t have a bet, it’s just horses running in a circle.”

(hmm, that’s a close paraphrase of how I’d describe NASCAR.)

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Nice game from Lebron James Thursday night. Doesn’t mean America has to make  “The Decision” to like him.

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The crazy derby continues: In Arizona a super PAC supporting GOP candidate Jesse Kelly has an new ad featuring the candidate holding a gun. Kelly is running for Gabrielle Giffords’ congressional seat. Your move, Florida.

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Bill Clinton says he supports Obama and is “very sorry for this stirring up.” He adds that he did not mean to undermine the President with his comments on tax cuts and Romney’s business record. Gosh, who’d a thunk it? Bill not thinking about possible consequences of his actions….

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Chad Ochocinco was released today by the Patriots. So guess we say Ochocinco was Ocho-seis’ed?

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Mitt Romney said in a anti-Obama speech today that “I will not be that president of doubt and deception.” Yep, with Mitt there’s no doubt about his deceptions.

The Philadelphia Phillies, with a $174 million payroll, are under .500 and were just swept by the Dodgers? With that kind of pay to performance ratio who do they think they are – – Congress?

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Villarreal soccer coach Manuel Preciado, 54, passed away from a heart attack Thursday, one day after being hired. Sad, but at least he died with a perfect record.

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The CDC conducted an anonymous national survey in 2011 that found that 58% of high school seniors said they had texted or emailed while driving during the previous month. Which means that about 40% of kids lied about it. –

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Three home runs for the SF Giants Thursday in their 8-3 win over San Diego.  The hardest thing for the players involved?  Remembering how to do that trot.

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Boston mayor Thomas Menino was trying to praise the Celtics and referred to KJ and Hondo instead of KG (Kevin Garnett) and Rajon Rondo. The team may end up getting a call from the President, but Menino appears to be angling for a call from Joe Biden.

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New Orleans’ newspaper the Times Picayune has announced a switch to a three day a week printed paper format, with other days of the week being online over.  Brennan’s restaurants of New Orleans have announced a “Cocktails for a Cause” promotion, where proceeds from a number of specialty drinks will go towards keeping the paper going seven days a week.

Not surprisingly, this promotion is receiving a lot of buzz online.

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Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

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A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

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The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

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Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” –

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George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. –

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Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” –

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A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? –

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Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

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The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? –

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The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

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Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  –

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The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

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Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

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The GOP Primary winner – Are we there yet?

April 4, 2012

Production will begin this September on a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber.” The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries.

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Mitt Romney picked up 16 delegates with a win in Washington, D.C. tonight. With a total of 3,122 votes. Not a typo. 3,122. Heck, the Nationals got that many fans when they were the Expos.

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Rick Santorum said today that he read that “7 or 8 of the California system of universities don’t even teach an American history course.” Uh, Rick, ALL the UCs and CSU campus teach and require U.S. History, espec for UCSF which is a med school.

So what’s more likely to happen – that Santorum apologizes. Or that he blames this all on the education system that taught him to read.

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Sarah Palin on the Today show about Mitt Romney potentially getting the nomination “Anything is still possible. There can still be a bit of a shake-up. But the numbers are what the numbers are.” Palin sounds about as excited by Mitt as most GOP primary voters.

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Another weird primary detail. Media reporting “Big win” for Romney in Wisconsin. But he got 42.5 % of vote to Santorum’s 37.7 %. With Paul,Gingrich, Bachmann and Huntsman also getting votes. Meaning 57.5 % of voters still said “Not Obama, but Anyone But Mitt.”

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Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich had both compared themselves to Kansas last Sunday, after the Jayhawks’ surprising comeback against Ohio State. Did someone tell them that was only the NCAA semi-finals?

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Joe Flacco today told a Baltimore radio station that he believes he’s the “best” quarterback in the NFL. Quick, check that man for concussions.

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Boston Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will probably need surgery on his thumb, and Josh Beckett has also reported a thumb injury. When will they ever learn – get the ball boys to open your beer cans.

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President Obama referred to the Republican House Budget as “Social Darwinism.” Given the views of most of the GOP field, this may be the first time this year “Republican” and “Darwinism” have been used in the same sentence.

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Kentucky star Anthony Davis says he hasn’t decided about leaving the team for the NBA draft, saying he’s just going to “sit down with my coach, sit down with my family, see what the best decision is for me.”
When asked if there were particular classes he wanted to take, wonder if Davis responded “classes?”

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For April Fool’s Day Air New Zealand offered a “StraightUp” airfare deal that promised “affordable domestic air travel” for anyone willing to use hand holds and stand in the aisle for the duration of the flight.” They’ve confessed the joke, but in the meantime several U.S. carriers started studying the idea.

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Tornadoes are ripping through Texas. The winds are strong enough there are rumors that Rick Perry’s hair actually moved.

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From comedy writing friend John Roman: A tornado is headed for DFW Airport, where it will probably be delayed for about 2 hours.

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President Barack Obama says if President Ronald Reagan was running for president now, he “could not get through a Republican primary today.” Not to mention he’d be the intellectual in the race.

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Pre Pre Big Game Show.

February 1, 2012

Technicially, if you’re not an official sponsor, you’re not allowed to use the words “Super Bowl.” Yeah, hate to put a non-profit like the NFL at risk of losing money.

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Madonna says there will be “no nipple” in her Super Bowl halftime show. Not to say the former Material Girl is getting up there in years but the way NBC will assure this is by only showing Madonna above the waist.

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49ers coach Jim Harbaugh has signed up to play the A T & T Pebble Beach Pro-Am. Which means for the first time, CBS plans to schedule cameras every day on the course for the post-round handshakes.

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The Campaign Media Analysis Group (CMAG) analyzed political ads shown in Florida this past week and said 92% them were negative. As someone who just spent a weekend in Florida I am shocked – 8% were actually supposed to be positive?

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Sarah Palin has been saying “Annoy a liberal, vote for Newt.” Uh, actually not speaking for all liberals, but a number of us would be thrllled to see more in the GOP vote for Newt.

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Gingrich had a robocall in FL saying that as “Gov. of Mass, Romney vetoed a bill paying for kosher food for our seniors in nursing homes. Which meant Holocaust survivors were forced to eat non-kosher, because Romney thought $5 was too much to pay.” Newt may be doing the impossible, making Mitt appear the more likable candidate.

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Newt Gingrich seems like he’s on a mission to make us all forget about that Howard Dean scream.

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Now that the GOP primary is over, Florida residents who want to watch something embarrassing on TV will have to turn back to Orlando Magic games.

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Aaron Rodgers said on a radio interview that he was disappointed in some players’ effort during the Pro Bowl. “I felt like some of the guys on the NFC side embarrassed themselves.” Does that make them all honorary Oakland Raiders?

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This year the New York Giants are in the Super Bowl. Although at 9-7, barely over .500, many think the team didn’t deserve to be in the playoffs in the first place. And really, who does the NFL think it is? The NBA?

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Many changes on high school signing day for college football…. Sounds like some of these prior commitments had all the validity of a Kardashian marriage..

At Newt Gingrich’s Florida “Not-quite-Victory” Party, one of the tunes was “”Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Pat Benatar Hearing that, Mitt Romney suggested Newt invite Dick Cheney.

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When a company says as part of their hold music-message “Thank you for your patience,” anyone else want to scream at them “What patience, a**holes?”

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Delta Airlines is apparently looking into the possibility of acquiring either US Airways or American. Thereby bringing airline travelers in the United States a step closer to one giant “Take it or Leave it Air Lines.”

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“You might need a life” story: A California woman and about 100 people who are fans of the Facebook game “Frontierville” reportedly posted 1,001,291 comments to a single post in order to break a Guinness World Record.

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From Bill Littlejohn: The Oakland Raiders have hired Greg Knapp as offensive coordinator, a position he held with the team in 2007 and 2008.I guess they want to re-capture the glory days of JaMarcus Russell”

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What’s in a name?

January 31, 2012

Newt Gingrich calls Mitt Romney a “liar.” Romney calls Gingrich a “loser.” How long until we graduate to “booger-face” and “poo-poo head?”

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The story of Mitt Romney putting his dog in a crate on the roof while driving to a family vacation is increasingly getting media attention. Suppose it is probably a good thing Mitt didn’t try to put the family cat in the crate on the roof – he wouldn’t be alive to run for anything.

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A new survey of smartphone owners finds only, 68% open only five or fewer apps at least once a week. Speaking for the, uh, mature users of smartphones, I’m not sure how many people over 40 can figure how to work five or more apps in the first place.

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Karma’s a bitch nonpolitical quote of the week from Madonna in the U.K. Times: “If I say to my daughter her outfit is a little bit too risque, she will look at me and say ‘that’s rich coming from you.”

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The Pro Bowl is over. Which means the Super Bowl pre-game show has begun.

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Romney and Gingrich are running Spanish language ads in Florida to appeal to Cuban-American voters, many of whom do not speak English. Then the candidates head off to Texas, Arizona and California, where they’ll bash Mexican-Americans who don’t speak English for their failure to assimilate.

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Apparently the Pole Fitness Association and others are circulating petitions to make pole dancing a gymnastic event in the Olympics. Which could lead to words never before heard from straight men “Honey, what time is women’s gymnastics on?

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Something semi-serious for a change: A new federal rule requires airlines to include taxes and fees in the prices they advertise. One Congressman has introduced a bill to overturn the rule, Rep Tom Graves of Florida.

Now, I’m sure it’s just coincidence, but Wikipedia has this about Graves’ predecessor in the district, who is now Governor of Georgia: “After Governor Deal signed a 30 million dollar tax break for Delta Air Lines, the airline upgraded Deal and his wife to “Diamond” meda…llion status, which provides them perks such as “free upgrades when seats are available, Sky Club membership, bonus miles, priority check-in and boarding, fee waivers and more”. Deal’s spokesperson said Delta airlines’ gift had no connection with the tax break, describing the gift granted by the airline to Gov. Nathan Deal and his wife as a “contribution to the state of Georgia.”

Or maybe Graves really does think being honest about their prices is too big of an imposition on the airlines. Right….

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Back to silliness: Next year’s Bachelorette is going to be Emily Maynard, the blond single mom who “won” the Bachelor -season with Brad Womack only to have their engagement fall apart. Her daughter, Ricki, is going to be 7. Well, guess that gives Emily a few years to figure out where to hide the tapes of the show before the kid hits puberty.

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From Marc Ragovin: So Herman Cain has endorsed Newt Gingrich. That’s like the pilot of the Exxon Valdez endorsing the captain of the Costa Concordia

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Banana Republic and other states.

January 28, 2012

A Mitt Romney Florida television ad talks about Reagan and Gingrich. “Newt Gingrich uses Ronald Reagan’s name 50 times. Ronald Reagan mentioned Newt Gingrich once.” Not quite sure the point but is it just possible Reagan didn’t remember Gingrich’s name? Or anybody else’s?

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Herman Cain today said he endorsed Newt Gingrich: “he is not afraid of bold ideas and I also know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder. I know what this sausage grinder is all about.” Uh, was Cain endorsing a candidate or promoting pizza?

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Newt Gingrich vowed Saturday to stay in the race for the GOP presidential nomination until the Republican National Convention this summer no matter what happens in Florida on Tuesday.

Wonder how much of his statement might have been prompted by a large donation from the Committee to Re-Elect President Obama.

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Alec Baldwin told CNN’s Piers Morgan, “I do want to run for office one day.” Okay, count me in for those who might actually pay to watch Baldwin vs. Newt Gingrich.

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Apparently sales of Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” have gone up 490 percent since President Obama sang a line from the song at a fundraiser. Hmm. Maybe Obama should sing part of a new song every appearance for an economic stimulus for the music industry.

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49ers rookie star Aldon Smith was arrested for DUI and booked into a Miami Beach jail at 932am. (Yes, 932am!) At 100am he had tweeted “Does anybody sleep #Miami?” Shame someone didn’t answer “maybe you should be.”

(My friend Daniel responded “Followed by tweet. “Kyle Williams was my designated driver, but he dropped his keys” #guessI’lldrive #somethingsneverchange #easytarget.”

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After the Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead Thursday against the Celtics and lost 91-83, some die-hard fans said “It could be worse.” Friday night the Magic lost to the 3-15 New Orleans Hornets 93-67. Yeah, it just got worse.

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Meanwhile, the woeful Washington Wizards won their first road game of the season tonight against the Charlotte Bobcats. Thereby postponing at least briefly their team name change to the Washington Generals.

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Apparently Jerry Sandusky is asking a judge to modify the terms of his bail so he can see his grandchildren. I believe the appropriate action is “Just Say No.”

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Where’s FEMA when you need them?

January 28, 2012

This just in: Penn State campus police say they are investigating a report that Joe Paterno may be sick.

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Mitt Romney was campaigning in Orlando today. It went well except for one awkward moment when a Disney employee saw him and reported that one of their audio-animatronic figures must have gotten loose.

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Apple’s CEO Tim Cook says he is “outraged” at reports of worker mistreatment. Is he outraged that workers are being treated badly or outraged that the media is reporting it?

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Frank McCourt is starting to weed down groups bidding for the Dodgers. Great….and this selection process is being done by the man who made Los Angeles the franchise it is today.

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My friend Jeff Klein (from Los Angeles) points out “He is the only person I know who can derail one of the biggest sports franchises, declare bankruptcy, have a messy divorce, be despised by everyone, endure a take over by MLB, and end up leaving one billion dollars richer. Romney-McCourt 2012.”

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Mitt Romney is really getting angry at Newt Gingrich in Florida. Wonder how long it will take before Mitt threatens to strap him to the roof of the campaign bus.

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On other hand, Romney apparently leads Newt Gingrich by 10 points with women in a recent Florida poll. Makes sense – the state is full of a lot of first and second wives.

Drew Brees, who will be a free agent, isn’t talking about “feeding his family,” or “being respected,” or testing the market. He does say he doesn’t want his deal to keep the Saints from retaining other key free agents. “My No. 1 priority, and it always has been this, is keeping our team together.” What a concept.

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Colts owner Jim Irsay isn’t happy about Peyton Manning’s comments about the team, including saying that Indianapolis may not bring him back. Irsay said Manning should have “kept it in the family.” Well, at least for a few weeks, until the Colts owner was planning on booting him out of the family.

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Stories continue to emerge about the dysfunctional Jets locker room, and indeed NY coach Rex Ryan said he didn’t have “the pulse” of the team. Many Jets fans were surprised to hear that – the team was playing like they didn’t HAVE a pulse.

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The Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead at home Thursday night, and lost to the Boston Celtics 91-83. The Magic scored EIGHT points in the 4th quarter. What, is Dwight Howard now angling for a trade to Miami?

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Baseball’s second season.

October 1, 2011

After 162 games, the MLB playoffs finally started Friday for the eight teams who survived into the postseason. “Eight teams left?”, commented NBA and NHL fans. “So aren’t we in the second or third round by now.”

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Apparently the weather was nice all day Friday in New York, but started pouring about 915p. Had the first Tigers-Yankees playoff game only been scheduled for a reasonable 715p instead of 845p for television, they could have gotten most of the game in before the storm hit.

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Open note to SF Giants’ GM Brian Sabean and manager Bruce Bochy about playing all those “playoff experienced veterans” down the stretch. The Tampa Bay Rays’ Matt Moore made his second major league start EVER Friday, and his third total appearance.

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And yeah, it’s early days yet. But someone apparently forgot to tell the Tampa Bay Rays they have no business being in the postseason.

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Someone had to take the fall for the Red Sox, and it looks like it’s Terry Francona. Well, Grady Little lost his job for leaving Pedro Martinez in too long. Francona apparently left his whole starting lineup and rotation in too long.

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As the MLB playoffs began Friday, many Tampa Bay Rays fans are still kicking themselves that they turned off the Wednesday’s last regular season game after the 7th inning. And many Boston Red Sox fans are kicking themselves that they didn’t.

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Manny Ramirez was formally charged with domestic violence stemming from an arrest in September when he allegedly slapped his wife in the face. In Manny’s defense he is claiming it was “just that time of month.”

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A hiker collapsed and died just before completing the Appalachian Trail. “What a shame it wasn’t my ex-husband when he was ‘hiking'”, thought Jenny Sanford.

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Herman Cain was on “the Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday. A few quotes, Rick Perry is a “good governor”, Newt Gingrich is “brilliant” and Michele Bachmann is “very nice.” And Mitt Romney – “nice hair.” So much for Cain’s chances of getting Donald Trump’s endorsement.

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Florida legislators ignored GOP rules and confirmed that they will hold the state’s presidential primary on Jan. 31, 2012. Well, Florida doesn’t have a record of smart political behavior. Rumor has it some legislators were pushing for Feb 31.

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Bank of America just announced a $5 monthy debit card fee. And now their homepage and online banking service experienced serious problems all day Friday. Millions of Americans wonder if hackers were involved, and if so, how they can thank them.

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Hard feelings? Just a little. Former Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen was fired last year just before the Terrapins’ bowl game. And Friday, Friedgen, who is a also Maryland alum, told a Baltimore radio station that he has burned his degree.

Responded more than a few SEC athletic directors “What’s a degree?”

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