Posted tagged ‘debate jokes’

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A tall order?

August 5, 2015

There are now rumors that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking of running for President. No word yet on a timetable, as Schultz knows it’s a venti decision.

–skeeter

For SF Giants fans who really miss Pablo Sandoval, rookie Matt Duffy does have this cat.  Skeeter. Not photoshopped.   Maybe SF Giants fans need Skeeter hats?

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Shelby Tomlinson and Matt Duffy apparently were housemates at AA Richmond last year.  The two of them together might have equaled one Panda.

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Kobe Bryant says the Lakers “absolutely” can make the playoffs this year. The NBA playoffs? Or the NCAA tournament?

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CVS says they will no longer include Viagra in its list of drug insurance benefits. The drugstore chain presumably thought it it wasn’t a hard decision.

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Bill GM Doug Whaley said that Buffalo is “almost in quarterback purgatory” because the team do not have a franchise quarterback. And Jets fans after the last few years are thinking “Hmm, purgatory is a step up from hell.”

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Some outrage over a hospital picture of Bobbi Kristina being on the cover of the National Enquirer. Alas probably the biggest outrage from competing media who didn’t get the photo.

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Whole Foods has pulled $5.99 bottles of “asparagus water” from the shelves of a store in California, saying the items were a mistake. Nope, the mistake would have been actually buying the water.

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So Carly Fiorina, despite being the only woman running for the GOP presidential nomination, is polling about 1% and will not be eligible for the first debate. 1%? Who knew most of the Republican electorate knows someone who worked at Hewlett Packard?

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Teachers unions are demanding an apology after Chris Christie said they deserve “a punch in the face.” In the N.J. Governor’s defense, maybe people will believe him if he says he was talking about punch and cookies.

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A U.S.Circuit Court of Appeals struck down a Texas law requiring residents to show ID before voting, saying it violates the Voting Rights Act. They’ll never please everyone, but maybe Texas could just write a law with the exact same requirements to vote as to buy a gun?

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So the man who was shot and killed by police in a Nashville theater after attacking patrons, apparently had only been able to obtain pepper spray, a hatchet, and an air gun. So where’s the NRA on this one? ‪#‎Ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

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From Bill Littlejohn “Yasiel Puig credits videogames with helping to end his slump.  Although fellow Dodgers are complaining about him flipping the joystick.”

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Not so hot?

August 3, 2015
A new study says coffee is good for your brain.
Then why doesn’t it tell your brain not to pay $5 for a cup of it?

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Chris Christie dismissed Donald Trump today, and added “You’re telling me it wasn’t this weird when Herman Cain was winning nationally four years ago or Michele Bachman was winning nationally? I mean, this happens.”

Not sure how many GOP voters are tuning in Thursday, but it’s beginning to look like “must-see TV’ for comedy writers and Democrats.

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Eleanor Roosevelt said “Do each day one thing that scares you.” Hmm.   Take two cats by myself to the vet for their annual check-up….  I’m good for today.

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You know, it’s just a hunch. But guessing if I don’t “sign” one of the many birthday cards being pushed by various Democratic groups online for the President, that Barack really isn’t going to miss seeing my name.

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Washington has signed Junior Gallette, released by the Saints over off-field issues and domestic violence allegation. GM Scot McCloughan “The decision was made because we really believe he’s a Redskin and that’s why I signed him.”

“Really believe he’s a Redskin?”   Yeah, that I concur with. Let this year’s circus begin.

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Four home runs for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ in first four innings. And ‪Madison Bumgarner was no doubt bouncing up & down in dugout “Can I pinch hit, can I, can I?”

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Is it just me or is Santiago Casilla starting to remind us more and more of Armando Benitez ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Delta Airlines says they will ban Big Game trophies. So they’ll still be able to fly the Cubs.

(substitute Maple Leafs, Lions or any team of your choosing.)

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Some hunters are defending big game hunts in Africa as essential to conservation. MAYBE, though the idea that you need to shoot anything more than a picture of a big cat makes me personally ill.

But come on, folks. Hunting by luring animals out of a protected area is like taking a rifle to the zoo. And regarding “”ethical, fair-chase safaris,” uh, it’s a fair-chase only if the lion has a gun too.

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So after the controversial edited videos involving fetal tissue, the GOP tried again today to shut down Planned Parenthood, the nation’s largest provider of family planning services. And of course as part of their pro-life platform Republicans also tried to increase funding to help poor women and children…. Oh wait, never mind.

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So while we’re ranting. I think I’ve figured out the agenda for some of these GOP men. 1. Having sex is only a right if you can afford to take care of a child from an unplanned pregnancy. 2. Having a gun is a right, period.

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World serious.

October 24, 2012

Ten top stories on ESPN.com Tuesday morning and one is about baseball – the Red Sox introducing their new manager. What East Coast bias?

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The SF Giants are in the World Series after winning six straight postseason elimination games. Waiting for the t-shirt that says “Giants Baseball 2012 – Fifty Shades of Orange.”

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Another reason baseball is better than football. Today was World Series Media day:   Note the word “day” instead of “week”.

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From Marc Ragovin,  “Not saying the Cardinals looked flat last night against the Giants,  but for a minute there I thought I was watching Obama at the first debate.”

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Eva Longoria and QB Mark Sanchez have apparently ended their relationship. Well, at least unlike the Jets, Eva had enough sense not to sign a longterm contract with him.

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A new ad featuring Natalie Portman for Dior’s Diorshow New Look lash-multiplying mascara has been banned in the U.K for being unrealistic. Uh, anyone actually seen a makeup ad that IS realistic?

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Ann Coulter said after last night’s debate. “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” Jeez, I think Todd Akin does more for the status of women.

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Roger Goodell said that the NFL was considering dropping the Pro Bowl. “That would be a real shame”, said absolutely nobody.

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The Miami Marlins have fired manager Ozzie Guillen. So congrats to all those who had October 23 in the pool.

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To promote their new pan pizza, Domino’s outlets will offer over 500,000 free pizza slices today at lunchtime. Wow, that’s almost 10 pounds of real cheese.

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In Indiana, U.S Senate candidate Richard Mourdock just said he is against abortion in cases of rape because “it is something that God intended to happen.” And somewhere God may be thinking “Are you kidding? I didn’t even intend Richard Mourdock to happen.

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Regarding Tagg Romney’s investment firm having a financial interest in a company that makes voting machines that will be used in Ohio – I actually am not a fan of conspiracy theories. But can you imagine the GOP reaction if say, a Virginia Ohio voting machine company was partly owned by a friend of Obama’s?

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Welcome to the big leagues. UCF appealed their postseason ban for recruiting violations, and the NCAA said they won’t rule until January, so the 5-2 Golden Knights will be bowl eligible in 2012. Thereby assuring all the guilty parties will be long gone when the punishment kicks in.

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From T.C.  What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner? Felix landed on his feet.

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Ringing in the rain?

October 23, 2012

Actually there is a National League championship ring.  Though the SF  Giants have hopes for another one.

I  guess down 3 to 1 the Giants really did have the Cardinals right where they wanted them.

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The ninth inning of Monday’s NLCS game was played in a serious downpour.   Could have been tears from Fox executives thinking about the ratings for a San Francisco-Detroit World Series?

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Why baseball is better than politics: Tonight no spin doctors were  required to say who won.

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But good thing tonight’s debate was not a town hall.  Someone might have asked President Obama about his being born in the foreign country of Hawaii.

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A Brooklyn man has been charged with running brothels in New York’s Financial District and midtown, catering to men on Wall Street, and charging $260 an hour. Guess $260 an hour was a cheaper option in NY than drinks and dinner?

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Lance Armstrong has now vacated so many wins he’s become cycling’s John Calipari.

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The BBC is facing major criticism over a potential coverup on a story about Sir Jimmy Saville, a popular children’s TV entertainer who died last year, but who now allegedly abused over 200 children. Who does the BBC think they are? The Catholic Church? Or Penn State?

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NY Jets fans are upset because they think the clock operator gave the NE Patriots an extra second before the 2 minute warning yesterday, allowing Tom Brady more time to drive for a game-tying field goal. Oakland Raider fans have a brief response: “Tuck rule. STFU.”

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Just a thought about the Lance Armstrong situation. Yes, it’s kind of pathetic at this point. But did we really think, that in a time when almost everyone in cycling was doping, that a cancer survivor was so much better than them all, and still clean?

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Round two

October 17, 2012

Whatever you think about tonight’s Presidential debate,  there’s probably bi-partisan agreement that both candidates did much better than the New York Yankees.

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Do they have a conference call in advance of these debates to coordinate clothes like mothers of the bride and groom?    (Tuesday night Obama had a red tie, Romney had a blue tie.)

 

Wonder how many casual New York fans though things were looking up for the Yankees because in game three tonight they were facing the Tigers’ #3 starter?

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A-Rod and Nick Swisher were not in the Yankees lineup for the ALCS game 3.   Which meant $40 million alone in two players riding the bench. Who knew Aubrey Huff and Barry Zito would ever seem like bargains.

 

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Columbia student Stephan Perez, arrested in 2010 for selling Adderall, described the drug today on NBC’s “Rock Center” as an “academic steroid.” Well, that’s at least one PED that no SEC football players will be accused of using.

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Admittedly  I’m biased, but think Obama supporters were both thrilled to see the real Barack show up tonight…and to see the real Mitt show up tonight.

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So Mitt Romney has had “binders full of women.” Is that a Mormon thing?

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Thieves stole hundreds of mllions of dollars of Picassos, Monets and other works from the Kunsthal museum early Tuesday morning in Rotterdam. The museum said the security was “state of the art,” and that their insurance was “adequate” for the exhibition. Uh, well, at best that’s one out of two.

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“No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public”  (P.T. Barnum)  example for the day:

A Chicago man apparently spent $9,995.00 on Ebay to purchase a gallon of barbecue sauce intended for use on McDonald’s McJordan sandwich in 1992.

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Apparently Beyonce will be the half-time entertainment for Super Bowl 2013. Isn’t she too young?

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From Marc Ragovin:   “At a recent Jay-Z concert to open the Barclay Center, all attendees were subjected to a metal detector scan, while two days later, at the Barbra Streisand concert, all attendees were subjected to a bone density scan.

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The Colorado Rockies are apparently talking to Jason Giambi, who hasn’t even retired yet, about managing their team. Gosh, putting someone so inexperienced in charge could result in the team losing almost 100 games. Oops, never mind.

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I’m against politicizing either event, but have to wonder why none of these people who insist on blaming Obama for Ambassador Steven’s death in Benghazi ever thought Bush should be blamed at all for 9-11?

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No joy in Bronxville.

October 14, 2012

The worst things for Yankee fans about Jeter’s injury: 1. It was him and not A-Rod. 2. It’s too late in the year to go out and buy a replacement player.

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Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland said early Sunday that Jose Valerde wouldn’t close tonight’s game. Well, not like he closed last night’s game either.

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Felix Baumgartner landed safely today after a record-breaking jump from the stratosphere – 24 miles high. And somewhere Darwin is saying, “Missed it by that much…”

 

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Arlen Specter died today at the age of 82. He had been well-known for years as a moderate Republican. Many younger people don’t remember Specter. Still others don’t remember moderate Republicans.

 

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Angry Stanford fans got some vindication today when former NFL vice president of officiating  Mike Pereira said today of the play where Stefan Taylor was supposedly stopped to end the game:  “I’ve looked at the play from every angle, and I think the call should have been reversed to a touchdown. ”   (He also questioned a late personal foul call on Stanford.)

Can we say it’s not whining if the grapes really are sour?

 

Washington Nationals fans are still furious at the team for shutting down Stephen Strasburg in September. But SF Giants fans are beginning to wonder if their team shouldn’t have done the same with Madison Bumgarner.

 

 

Ah creative capitalism at its finest: An Orlando radio station is putting up big billboards promising “No political ads.”

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Giving Jim Harbaugh control of the challenge flags is like giving a 16 year old boy the keys to your Ferrari.

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David Axelrod suggested today that in the next debate President Obama would be “more aggressive.” Uh, while I didn’t think Barack did THAT badly, would it be possible to be less aggressive without being clinically dead?

 

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The Space Shuttle Endeavour ended up taking 17 hours longer than scheduled to make it to its final home in at the California Science Center. Are we sure American Airlines wasn’t somehow involved?

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Tampa’s Aqib Talib was suspended 4 games without pay for taking an Adderall pill without a prescription. So was he suspended because it was a PED, or because he was too stupid to get a prescription. “Oh look, a puppy…”

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From Marc Ragovin:  Now that Lance Armsrtong is retired, he doesn’t take PEDs. But it woudn’t be too difficult for him to start doping again. I mean, its like riding a bicycle.

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Black and orange and a little bit blue.

October 12, 2012

For anyone who’s been thinking nostalgically  about Will Clarks’s 1987 “I’ve been waiting for this since I was an f**king amateur.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/tim-lincecum_n_1959995.html

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And anyone who had a very unproductive few hours at work following the Giants-Reds game already knows this.  But for the uninitiated – torture is back.

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SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home.  So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on … Thursday Night Football,  Dale Earnhardt, Jr,  and of course,  the Yankees.

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Tonight’s Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games.

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All this hype about the importance of winning tonight’s running mate debate. Yeah, it made such a difference to Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.

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An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said – “I’ll have what he’s having.”

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Paul Ryan danced around an abortion question so carefully,  he may be invited to compete on the next DWTS.

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Damn, if Joe Biden ever gets tired of this political stuff he has an endorsement contract waiting with 5-Hour Energy.

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Maybe before the next debate President Obama should practice against Joe Biden instead of John Kerry.  No one will ever accuse Biden of being too polite.

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James Young, the #5 basketball recruit in the country, says he’s going to Kentucky, adding “I’m not just looking for the NBA. I’m looking for an education and a national championship and that’s about it.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

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Ah perspective. Texas Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan, discussing the end of the season, said the timing of Josh Hamilton’s decision to quit smokeless tobacco this summer “couldn’t have been worse.” Uh, is there ever a bad time to quit chewing tobacco?

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How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.”

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From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying Mitt Romney is loaded, but he just bought one of his granddaughters a Barbie’ S Dream House with its own car elevator.”

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Somewhere Lloyd Bentsen is thinking: “I knew Jim Lehrer, Jim Lehrer was a friend of mine, Martha Raddatz, you’re no Jim Lehrer. – Thank God.”

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MLB Rule 2.00

October 5, 2012

MLB Rule 2.00 is the infield fly rule.  (which is currently posted on the Atlanta Braves website…. without comment.)

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The rule states that an infield fly is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort.   To give the umpires some benefit of the doubt,  with all the errors Atlanta made tonight, they might have been confused about this “ordinary effort” stuff.

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Women baseball fans are still especially stunned by that so-called infield fly tonight in Atlanta that ended up well into the outfield – normally when men misjudge length they don’t err on the low side.

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Chipper Jones has to be  thinking,  for his last MLB game, maybe he should have loaned the umps his reading glasses?

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Even the replacement refs who saw that play are saying  – “What were they thinking?

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This just in, Al Gore blamed that infield fly call in the Cardinals-Braves game on the altitude.

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Dear Gawd, and Bud Selig thought the worst thing that could happen with this ridiculous one-game playoff idea is that the NY Yankees might end up out of the post-season by the weekend.

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If there’s a karmic silver lining in tonight’s Cardinals-Braves game, is Don Denkinger finally off the hook?

(for non-baseball fans,  Don Denkinger was the umpire whose blown call at first base cost the St. Louis Cardinals the World Series against the Kansas City Royals in 1985.)

Listening to an aging Jack Welch rant today that the unemployment numbers “don’t smell right.” Uh, a potential one word answer on that smell issue – “Depends?”

Another post-debate thought. If Mitt Romney is determined to cut PBS why didn’t he reference a perceived elitist show like “Masterpiece Theater,” instead of “Big Bird,” – one of the most beloved characters on one of the beloved shows in America?

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Ohio State backup QB Cardale Jones tweeted today “Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL classes are POINTLESS.” And SEC players responded “What are classes?”

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Jim Lehrer said today that the “The likelihood of my doing another debate in 2016 is, on a scale of one to 10, a minus one.” Hillary Clinton is bummed, she was counting on Lehrer making her look young and vigorous.

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The jobless rate fell to below 8% today. Which the GOP immediately said was bad news for job seekers – specifically Romney and Ryan.

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Amazing that some conservatives who think Obama is the most incompetent President ever still think he has the power to orchestrate a massive conspiracy on the unemployment rate.

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From T.C.  “I  just flew home on American Airlines and sat in rows 15, 14, 11 & 8.

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C is for Cuts?

October 4, 2012

President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”

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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.

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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.

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Or  did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”

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From my good friend, Michele Eggars,  who doesn’t share my political views  – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.

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And from Marc Ragovin:   “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”

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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?

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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.

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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.

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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”

 

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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?

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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.

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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”

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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….

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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”

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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”

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Debatable.

October 3, 2012

Now that the debate is over we can get back to the issues that America really cares about, like what really happened in that “American Idol” Mariah Carey – Nicki Minaj catfight?

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For many Americans, tonight’s debate was like a Nascar race, they only tuned in to see the potential wrecks.

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In swing states, tonight’s Presidential debate might be the only television show until November that’s not interrupted by political commercials.

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Watching this debate one thing is clear, do we really want an America where people like Jim Lehrer, 78, have to make complicated and tough decisions about their own healthcare?

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Mitt Romney said Wednesday night  –  “I like coal.” But does he love lamp?

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Anyone else but me would have liked to see a debate tonight between Romney 2012 and that guy who was Governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007?

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Okay, message from Mitt Romney to those of us who are 50 something. If you are not healthy you are f*cked.

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For those who wanted to watch the debate but didn’t want to miss a baseball game with postseason implications, would like to thank the Boston Red Sox for doing their best to make this entire week irrelevant.  Don’t let the door hit you in the back, Bobby.

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Forget this Presidential debate stuff….what’s the controversy with AL MVP? Trout for Rookie of the Year no doubt, but when compared to a TRIPLE CROWN winner whose team won their division? Fox and MSNBC should both agree on this one.

 

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The Texas Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad.

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According to a CBS Sports story, the Red Sox will fire manager Bobby Valentine this week. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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American Airlines is advertising a new sale, with the tagline ” Take off to cities across the U.S.” Uh, at this point travelers on American aren’t so worried about the take off, they’re worried about how and where they land.

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Big news today for  baseball fans: Teddy Roosevelt actually won the Presidents Race at Nationals Park today. What? Did they shut the other presidents down early?

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Got to love it, heard some NY Jets fan claiming the team will never score if they switch to Tim Tebow at QB. As opposed to last week?

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The Mets R.A. Dickey now admits he pitched the entire season with a torn abdominal muscle. Wonder how many mediocre pitchers are thinking about going out and tearing their own muscles.

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Last thought for the night:   As the Red Sox stagger into the offseason, have to wonder, what if beer and fried chicken were actually PEDs?

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Missed them by that much.

October 1, 2012

Heard Tony Romo threw a tantrum after the Monday Night Football game. The tantrum was picked off by the Bears and returned for a touchdown.

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Who did Romo think he was Monday night?  Brett Favre?

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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB.

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A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

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Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday:   President Barack Obama’s  “done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt’s first time on this kind of a stage.”   Does that mean even Ryan couldn’t bear to watch the GOP Primary debates?

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This line noticed by the SF Chronicle’s Debra J. Saunders in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography:  “Maria and I are very different in that way. She grew up in a world where a sharp line was drawn between friends and the help. With me, there is almost no line.”

You can say that again.

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Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the “wtf” nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions.

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Kobe Bryant, 34, said today he got a question earlier about whose team the Lakers are: “I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team”. Wonder if Tiger Woods, 36, would have said it was HIS Ryder Cup team.

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American Airlines says a Boston-to-Miami flight needed to make an emergency landing at JFK airport over the weekend when a row of seats became loose. Standby later this week for the new “seat bolt” fee.

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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is still saying that Mark Sanchez at QB “gives us our best opportunity to win.” If true his comments should be great for ticket sales – for the Knicks.

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The 2013 Oscars ceremony will be hosted by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. By making this choice five months in advance the Academy is giving themselves plenty of time to pre-write those “Sorry you were offended” emails and letters.

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Mitt Romney is hard at work preparing for Wednesday’s debates. His latest challenge, how to blame the U.S. Ryder Cup challenge on Obama.

(Jim Barach says  “Blame it on Furyk’s caddy Fluff for not knowing how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.”)

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The Yankees now have a one-game lead in the NL East,  but the way the new playoff system is set up, if the Baltimore Orioles somehow win the East, the NY Yankees, as a wildcard, could be out of the postseason by Friday. Bud Selig is trying to see how quickly he might be able to change the rules.

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Although tonight it was 9-0 Yankees-Red Sox in the third. Boston isn’t just mailing it in, they’re FedExing it in.

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Rough Ryder?

September 30, 2012

U.S. collapsed so fast in the Ryder Cup today have to wonder if beer and fried chicken were involved.

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The Ryder Cup was played at Medinah Country Club, a suburb of Chicago.  Which means the least surprised fans were Cubs fans. They know nothing good happens in town in September.

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Tiger Woods was point-less through Saturday’s matches in the Ryder Cup. Wow. Last time Tiger went that long without scoring, Elin and a tree were involved.

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Ann Romney says if Mitt is elected her biggest concern “obviously would just be for his mental well-being.” Well, gosh, good thing he’s not going for a high-stress kind of job.

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Baylor 63, West Virginia 70 on Saturday. So who started the college basketball season and didn’t tell us?

 

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Well, Tim Tebow isn’t the starting QB yet. But after a 34 to 0 loss to the SF 49ers no doubt the NY Jets had a stadium full of people screaming “Jesus Christ!”

 

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The 49ers were so dominant Jim Harbaugh didn’t even need replacement refs to give him unlimited challenges.

 

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From the very funny Alex Kaseberg:   Meanwhile, the former NFL substitute refs continue to make horrible decisions; last night one of them went to Red Lobster and ordered sushi.

 

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A Mormon woman’s email has gone viral asking people to fast and pray for Mitt Romney in the debates. Well, not sure if this would help Mitt on Wednesday, but it can’t hurt our country’s obesity issues.

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Paul Ryan this morning, after being asked for details of their tax plan: “well, I don’t have the time. It would take me too long to go through all of the math.” Is this campaign speak for “You can’t handle the truth?”

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Both campaigns are working so hard to praise their opponents’ abilities and downplay their own chances, it’s hard to tell if we’re having a Presidential debate Wednesday or a playoff game.

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Mitt Romney is apparently practicing “zingers.”  Just what we need.  A stand up comic in chief?

 

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Parenthood, and other birth control jokes.

February 17, 2012

Rick Santorum is distancing himself from a major donor’s comment about using aspirin for contraception. After Foster Friess said that “gals put it between their knees, and it wasn’t that costly.” Santorum called Friess’ comment a “stupid joke.” Wonder if Rick figured that out before or after he fathered seven children.

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Those who oppose Obama’s efforts to get birth control coverage for women who work at church-affiliated institutions are framing it as an issue of religious freedom. But about the religious freedom for churches who are willing to marry gay couples?.

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The Miami Heat play in Cleveland Friday, and Lebron James just said he would be open to returning to play for the Cavaliers at some point. This I think is the cue for the P.A. announcer at “The Q” to serenade King James with a recording of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive.”

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Late bloomer story of the year: When the Palo Alto High basketball team defeated Mater Dei for the CA State Championship in 2006, the Vikings had 0 players heading to D1 schools, while the Monarchs had several including Duke-bound superstar Taylor King.

Now King is playing for the Quebec Kebs of the National Basketball League of Canada, and Palo Altos’s Jeremy Lin…..

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R.I.P. Gary Carter, who was only 57. I once heard Bob Brenly talk enviously about the great camaraderie “the Kid” had with umpires. For Carter, the best PED was a smile.

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CNN announced they have canceled their Super Tuesday debate, because Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum all have canceled their appearances. Guess the three GOP candidates were afraid CNN would do something terrible during the debate, like report exactly what they said.

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Apparently Newt Gingrich is still willing to take part in the proposed CNN debate which has been tentatively canceled due to the other three top candidates pulling out. Well, it could be interesting. Americans could watch Gingrich debate himself.

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Got to love the Donald, who now talks about helping Romney because “If you look at the tea party. If you look at the Christian coalition. If you look at a lot of different groups, I have very, very strong relationships with them.” Hmm, wonder how these compare to his “good relationship with the blacks.”

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Interesting parallels between the reaction to the deaths of Whitney Houston and Etta James. Both were great singers with complicated and difficult personal lives. But Houston died at 48, and James lived until 73. Proving again, that the way to achieve eternal superstardom is to die young.

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Maybe when the NBA season is over President Obama can appoint Jeremy Lin to a temporary position to work on unemployment. Lin’s already done the seemingly impossible with jobs – saved Mike D’Antoni’s.

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In Cincinnati, Saturday night’s all right for fighting.

December 11, 2011

After a major game-ending basketball brawl with the University of Cincinnati, Xavier’s star guard, Tu Holloway, whose trash talking helped instigate the whole mess, talked about it being a rivalry game and how Xavier’s motto was “zip ’em up.” Uh, Tu, what you REALLY should have zipped was your mouth.

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Cincinnati’s Yancy Gates, who threw a serious punch, is almost certainly going to be suspended and could even be dismissed from the team. On the other hand, with that kind of size (6’9″, 260 lbs,) and hitting, Yates could be offered a job with the Bengals.

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When the question of whether marital fidelity should influence voters’ choice for President, Newt Gingrich responded “I’ve said I made mistakes.” He then added that since he is now a 68-year-old grandfather, it might be time to move on. Got it. So we should elect Newt now that he is too old to cheat on his third wife?

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Regarding Cavaliers’ owner Dan Gilbert’s comment about 25 teams being the Washington Generals, the Washington Wizards are offended. They ASPIRE to be the Washington Generals.

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Mitt Romney proposed a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry as to whether or not he backed individual healthcare mandates. And then denied that a 10k bet meant he was out of touch. Well maybe. But what happened to that Mormon prohibition against gambling?

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Jim Mora has been hired to coach UCLA’s football team. Well, with a lifetime 31-33 record in the NFL between the Seahawks and Falcons, Mora seems like the right guy to lead the Bruins back to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl again in 2012.

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NL MVP Ryan Braun just tested positive for a PED. You have to think that Barry Bonds is shaking his head and smiling.

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Silver lining of Braun’s failed drug test? The SF Giants can point to their 2011 offense and say they were clearly the most performance-enhancing-drug-free group of hitters in baseball.

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The most disappointed fans about Braun’s potential failed drug test? Those who had Prince Fielder in the pool.

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MLB has officially reinstated Manny Ramirez from the voluntary retirement list. Although any team taking a chance on signing him is probably doing the baseball equivalent of marrying a Kardashian – it’s exciting at first, it’s a lot of media attention, and it will probably blow up in your face.

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Not that I am a Romney fan, but now that Gingrich is at least the temporary front-runner….well, there’s something amusing about a man being accused of being a flip-flopper by another man who’s been married three times.

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Congratulations to Robert Griffin III on his Heisman, even though, admittedly biased, I would have voted for Andrew Luck. But here’s the remarkable sidebar -both Luck and Griffin are excellent students, Luck an Academic All-American, Griffin, Dean’s List, and both are heading to the NFL with actual degrees.

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Scariest place in the world?

September 8, 2011

Just might be in a room standing between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney and the only blow dryer.

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Tonight’s GOP debate will be held at the Reagan Library. Ironic, because for all his reputation, Reagan did occasionally compromise with Democrats, raised taxes, and appointed Sandra Day O’Connor to the Supreme Court. In tonight’s crowd his action would be considered those of a flaming liberal.

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Who knows at this point who will be the Republican nominee for President? But if it comes down to Perry and Romney there will at least be full employment for mens’ hairdressers.

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Didn’t we learn from John Edwards? Never trust a man who spends more time on his hair than his wife.

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Michele Bachmann wants to eliminate the Department of Education. Makes a certain amount of sense. She shows no sign of having benefited from it.

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I admit Nancy Pelosi looks like she overdosed on Botox. But Michele Bachman, who is 55, isn’t far behind.

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And in all the potential bets and drinking games, who had Rick Perry praising former Massachusetts Governor Dukakis – telling Romney that “Michael Dukakis created jobs three times faster than you did, Mitt,”

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The White House doesn’t release information on the President’s television viewing habits, but seems likely that if Obama was sitting down watching the debate, he had more fun tonight than he has in months.

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Meanwhile millions of Americans, when asked if they were paying attention to the big debate, figured that meant whether or not Texas A & M should leave the Big 12.

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Is this really the best headline they could have written – on the CNN political ticker? “Christie gets big job.”

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Panthers rookie quarterback Cam Newton said he was surprised to get a phone call this week from Michael Vick. Surprised I guess because he figured Vick would have called his dad.

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In San Jose, California, police officers cited three women working in a Vietnamese coffee shop who they said were serving patrons while topless. Sort of puts a new spin on “short,” “extra hot,” and “grande.”

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‎32 games for the SF Giants, 5 errors. At least a few of them resulting in game changing unearned runs. Seems to me Orlando Cabrera should be spelt with a lot more “E”s

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Justin Verlander won his 22nd game today, despite giving up 4 earned runs in 6 innings, as the Tigers beat the Indians 8-6. SF Giants management immediately faxed weather reports on average summer temperatures and humidity in Detroit to their entire starting pitching staff.

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The Florida Marlins’ new stadium, scheduled to open in 2012, is 80 percent completed. The team is so excited they are considering offering a sneak preview tour to both season ticket holders.

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The SEC voted to accept Texas A&M, but the deal won’t be official until all Big 12 schools have promised not to take legal action. You know you’re getting old when you can remember when the drama in college football was actually on the field.

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Travel example in the “You can’t make this stuff up” category: A client asked me to find a hotel near her boss’s meeting in New York. Said sure, but where was the meeting? She gave me the address on Broadway, then added “It’s on the 17th floor.”

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From Augie, in response to my post saying that W. asked Cheney what a “mea culpa” was.

He thinks that Cheney responded “Mea culpa runneth over with your stupid questions.”

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