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Fools on the hill?

December 30, 2012

My latest suggestion for ending this fiscal cliff mess…. Lock all of Congress in a room, start playing the Beatles’ “Fool on the Hill”, and don’t turn it off or let them out until they get it done.  My sister’s better suggestion,  have them play “It’s a Small World.”   (Although I have to wonder if that’s a violation of the Geneva Convention.)

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Kim Kardashian is pregnant. Which means about 20 years from now some young adult probably will look back and wish they were only born to a more conventional and mature mother like Snooki.

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Think that somewhere tonight Jessica Simpson is giggling at Dallas Cowboys’ fans?

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Before the Sunday night game even starts, the Dallas Cowboys did the seemingly impossible – getting most of America to root for a team owned by Dan Snyder.

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Washington D.C.  area Starbucks have been having baristas write “come together” on coffee cups to encourage patrons to urge Congress to figure out a fiscal cliff solution.   Well, that may not happen, but at least D.C. residents on a bipartisan basis can come together to thank Tony Romo.

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Hard to keep track of all these bowls featuring mediocre college teams. I forget, which bowl did the NY Jets play in?

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A report says that the NY Jets will fire their offensive coordinator. Which shocked many Jets fans. “We HAD an offensive coordinator?”

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A bright spot as the holidays wind down and we have to think about getting back to serious work – soon we probably won’t see that Citi commercial where the salesgirl says “Have a super sparkly day.”

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The Cleveland Browns are rumored to be seriously pursuing University of Oregon coach Chip Kelly. Wonder if this means the NCAA’s investigation of the Ducks is further along than we thought.

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Good news. Winter will be over almost two months early. At least according to Macy’s. The fine print under their “Biggest sale of the season” ad says “refers to our Winter season 11-1-12 to 1-31-13.”

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To economize, England’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband Prince Philip took a regularly scheduled train to their estate in Sandringham this Christmas, which the British public and media loved. If President Obama somehow took a regular flight to or from Hawaii he’d be accused of disrupting air travel for average Americans.

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When Hideki Matsui retired from baseball last week he said it was because he was no longer able to perform at a top level. Responded the Chicago Cubs “And your point is?”

 

Okay conspiracy theorists, a blood clot is probably beyond even your dreams as a way to avoid testifying. Not always a Hillary Clinton fan but absolutely wishing her well now.

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Spoiled?

August 1, 2012

NBC has apologized for spoiling swimmer Missy Franklin’s gold medal race with an ad DURING their coverage for the Today show featuring her win. Ah, how about forget the apology, start showing things live?

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But really, at this point with Twitter, Facebook and the rest of the internet, what is NBC thinking?  At this point the results in Olympic events  are less of a surprise to savvy television viewers than who gets the final rose on the Bachelor.
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Of course to be fair, by the middle of August, all these folks who are upset about various Olympic related issues will have moved on to more relevant sporting results.  Sort of like Cubs fans.
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Eight women badmnton players from China, South Korea and Indonesia were kicked out of the Olympics for alleged match throwing. (Trying to lose early matches, for easier matches later.) And who says women are not as competitive as men?
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A United Airlines 737 from Dallas-Fort Worth to Denver ended up with a hole in its nose after apparently striking a large bird. ABC News said no injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Don’t get me wrong, Michael Phelps is amazing. But best Olympian ever? It kind of helps to pick a sport where you can enter a whole lot of events …
(comment encouraged on this one… and how about Steve Redgrave, for example?)
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The sanctions are so strong against Penn State that two top players have transfered to USC and LSU. Good to see the NCAA’s actions are benefiting such admirably clean programs….
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In England, they are celebrating the Queen’s granddaughter winning a silver medal. And some in the U.S. are saying, “wait a minute, I didn’t even know Elton John had grandchildren.”
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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says the former Penn State assistant coach is “distraught” over the NCAA  penalties issued to his former team.  “What a shame” said absolutely no one.
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Women baseball fans have a little extra fun in the MLB trade deadline  – for a week or so some  players on losing teams find out that men too can be regarded basically as  pieces of meat.

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Long live the Kings.

June 12, 2012

Long  suffering Los Angeles Kings fans have waited 45 years for a championship. “Wimps!” can be heard all the way from the North Side of Chicago.  (or for Canadian readers, from the shores of Lake Ontario.)

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Curiously enough,  Toronto last won the Stanley Cup in 1967,  the year before the Kings joined the NHL.  So Maple Leafs fans can blame in all on the expansion to the West Coast.   And Cubs fans are going,  well that gets us off the hook from 1958 at least.

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Congratulations to the Los Angeles Kings, winners of the Stanley Cup. In sympathy for the New Jersey Devils, they’re rioting in Vancouver.

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The Kings won tonight because  they scored 3 goals during a five minute power play after a major penalty for boarding. “That’s awesome” said bandwagon Los Angeles fans. “But what’s a power play and what’s boarding?”

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Now it’s time for the Oklahoma City Thunder to make sure that in 2012 year the hockey players are the last Kings with a ring.

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Three people were hospitalized with “minor complaints” and a Los Angeles high school was evacuated after a teacher apparently mistook sulfuric acid for nitric acid in a chemistry experiment. “See?! More trouble from that liberal immoral ‘science’ stuff” – commented Rick Santorum.

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Ah juries, An Atlanta police officer was having sex with another man and woman (not his wife) when he had a heart attack and died. According to WXIA-TV a jury has awarded the cop’s widow $3 million, saying his doctor should have warned him against strenuous activity…. (Not a joke.) –

One of those “not going to touch this” lines: Jersey Shore’s Snooki said today she likes the idea of breast feeding her baby but she doesn’t like the idea of pumping milk because “it’s kind of like you’re a cow….”

(said my friend  Jim McCain “udder nonsense.”)

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Andriy Shevchenko, 35, led Ukraine to a 2-1 win over Sweden, and became the oldest player ever to score 2 goals in a game during the Euro Cup. Wonder if Andriy Sheychenko is Ukrainian for “Jamie Moyer?”

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The defense in the Jerry Sandusky is planning to claim the former coach has “Histrionic Personality Disorder.” Guess that sounds better than saying he’s a sleazy douchebag.

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The little girl is fine, but recently British Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife actually left their 8 year old daughter behind at a country pub near their home. (He thought she was with her mom, his wife thought the child was with her dad.) I blame Obama.

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Police in Georgia are looking for the thief who stole about 400,000 toothpicks from a local factory. At this point the only thing they know about the suspect is that he/she almost certainly wasn’t English.

(Alex Kaseberg “That is one toothpick for every tooth in Georgia.”)

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Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

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A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

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The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

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Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” –

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George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. –

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Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” –

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A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? –

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Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

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The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? –

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The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

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Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  –

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The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

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Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

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The King is dead, long live the …?

August 20, 2011

Burger King has apparently decided to stop using their creepy King mascot. Republicans responded to this news with – “Yet another job loss we can blame on President Obama.”

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Not getting this. All the GOP Presidential contenders say that Obama’s actions are making the economy worse. But they are calling on him to come home from vacation. Uh, if what he does hurts the economy, wouldn’t it be better for him to stay away?

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These days the San Francisco Giants are practicing an “Abstinence only” offense: No scoring.

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Some think the SF Giants just really need to get their confidence up by batting against a pitcher they can hit. Wonder if they could get a pickup game with a contender in the Little League World Series.

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from T.C. A bat on board grounded a Delta regional flight to Atlanta. It wasn’t the plane carrying the SF Giants, cause we all know they don’t have any bats.

The Chicago Cubs fired GM Jim Hendry after nine years. Nine years. It took the team that long to figure out Hendry wasn’t going to get them to the World Series? That’s like saying it took Hillary Clinton nine years to figure out Bill wasn’t going to be a faithful husband.

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With one of the highest payrolls and worst records in MLB, the Chicago Cubs on Friday announced they had fired GM Jim Hendry. According to ESPN.com the actual firing was July 22, but Hendry wanted to help the team by staying on through the July 31 trading deadline. Uh, if he were “helping” the team as GM, wouldn’t Hendry still be employed?

Bristol Palin has had a “T” tattoed on her right foot to signify family – as she said “Track, Trigg, Tripp and Todd.” Don’t forget “Trash.”

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Once again there are reports out of 49ers training camp that “Alex Smith looks good in practice.” What’s the reverse corollary of bad dress rehearsal – good play?

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Christine O’Donnell is now claiming that she walked out on the interview with Piers Morgan because he was sexually harassing here. O’Donnell may not have won her Senate race but she has accomplished something more difficult – making Piers Morgan seem almost sympathetic.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry when asked if he believes in evolution – “It’s a theory that’s out there.” Shame no one can ask God if He/She believes in Rick Perry.

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During his time at Texas A & M, Rick Perry was a “yell leader,” not a cheerleader, a “yell leader.” (They lead the crowd in chants at sporting events but don’t do flips etc.) On the official A & M yell leader website it states, “It is not uncommon for more than twice as many students to vote for yell leader candidates than vote in the Student Body President elections. In Texas, why am I not surprised

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Nothing but hound dogs…

June 6, 2011

Apparently plea bargain negotiations broke down with John Edwards over prosecutors’ insistence that the former Senator serve some jail time. Edwards apparently wanted “minimal” impact on Emma, 10, and Jack, 12, his “youngest kids.” Uh, John, if they WERE your youngest kids, you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

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Chicago pitcher, Carlos Zambrano,  frustrated after another late inning loss, said of the Cubs,  that it was embarrassing  –  “We are playing like a Triple-A team. ”

There were immediate calls for apologies. From several Triple-A teams.

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Now ex-Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel told people at a rally on his front doorstep that he would “always be a Buckeye,” and that regarding Michigan “Nov. 26th we’re going to kick their ass!” Wonder if he told his former players they could take that to the bank.

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Rick Reilly wrote a column for ESPN on 20 reasons to root for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA finals. Actually, most Americans just need one reason – they aren’t the Miami Heat.

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Plaxico Burress will get out of jail Monday after serving 20 months for carrying and firing an illegal gun (at himself, as it turned out) in Manhattan. Rumor has it if the lockout is settled that Burress may end up with Philadelphia. If so, wonder if the Eagles will be sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

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Apparently Plaxico says he has learned his lesson. For starters, someone else in your posse should always carry your gun.

Two 92 year old identical twins, who became friars and lived their entire lives together, died within hours of each other of heart failure. Guess the friars were just tuckered out.

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Rafael Nadal and Roger Federer just finished a four hour French open finals. “Amateurs,” commented John Isner and Nicolas Mahut.

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Jon Stewart’s self-described “fake” news show, is now getting better television ratings than Fox News’s regular shows.   Is this a great country or what?

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Apparently if the NFL lockout is settled, Alex Smith will be the San Francisco 49ers’ 2011 quarterback.  Looks like Jim Harbaugh is serious about trying to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

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Memorial Day Weekend

May 28, 2011

When most Americans look back and remember when gas was under $3 a gallon.

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Frank McCourt has apparently secured funds to make the Dodgers payroll this month. Ah, for the good old days in Los Angeles when the only payroll worries for sports fans were about anyone finding out how much the players were getting paid at USC.

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Amy Winehouse checked back into rehab in London this week, but according to the British media, not before stopping at a shop to buy a small bottle of vodka that she swigged immediately. That’s like Lindsay Lohan stopping on her way to home confinement to go jewelery shopping.

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Fox News fired Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because of their intentions to run for President. But despite similar signs from Sarah Palin, the network is keeping her on as a contributor. Translation, compared to Gingrich and Santorum, Palin has higher ratings.

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Many sports fans around the world Saturday were rivited to the Champions’ League soccer championships between Barcelona and ManU.  In the U.S., however, many would just have asked “where’s Manu?”

(responded Jerry Hoffman, “with the Spurs.”)

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The world didn’t end last weekend. Although in Chicago, where the Cubs have lost two straight to the lowly Pirates, including a 10-0 shellacking, the 2011 season may be officially over.

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Amazing, Francisco Liriano of the Twins pitched a no-hitter earlier this month, and Anthony Swarzak almost pitched one today (into the 8th).  What’s most amazing, these pitchers have done this without the benefit of pitching to their own lineup. 

 

And we wonder why U.S. airlines have such lousy reputations for both service and profitability – example number 334:

Video announcement on United Airlines  “We’re taking significant steps in our merger with Continental Airlines – we’ve painted our planes….”  (Really, followed by all the things they are going to do.  Though to be fair the two airlines have synchonized boarding procedures, and some fees, usually by raising the lower of the two.)

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Yuma Scorpions manager Jose Canseco, who is smitten with her and has proposed marriage, has declared May 30th ‘Lady Gaga Night’ at the team’s home park.Free admission will be granted to those producing a restraining order”

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Loserville:

April 8, 2011

The Cubs have started 3-3. But at Wrigley Field the attendance on Monday was 26,292, the lowest since 2002. Normally there aren’t so many empty seats at Wrigley until the whole place is empty in October.

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Natalie Portman said in an interview “I’m too old to be a stoner.”
“Speak for yourself, honey,” responded Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy three times, now he’s so concerned about President Obama’s birth that he says he’s sent a team of investigators to Hawaii “in hopes of getting to the bottom of the issue.” And this is the man who hopes to convince Americans he should be the one to oversee government spending?

Regarding “The Donald’s” potential presidential bid, Bill Cosby told Meredith Vieira on the “Today” show that Trump should “run or shut up.” Some of us wish he would do both.

 

The 2011 Boston Red Sox payroll is over $161 million, and the team is 0-6. With that kind of pay to performance ratio the Sox should be the official team of the U.S. Congress.

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The trip to Italy for the cast of Jersey Shore has been postponed. Many things apparently have to be negotiated first. Including America’s non-aggression pact with Italy.

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For those who wonder, how could Lebron James have grown up so clueless and self-absorbed,  here’s a story: Lebron’s mother was arrested by Miami Beach police after she reportedly assaulted a valet because it was taking too long to have her car delivered.

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Bill Littlejohn, with a variation on the above  incident.   LeBron James has become a minority owner of Liverpoll FC..  Scotland Yard had this reaction:  “Soccer hooligans, we can handle. Just tell him to please don’t bring his mother.”

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President Obama said Wednesday night there was “no reason” not to come to a deal and avoid a budget shutdown. Alas, when in recent memory has reason had anything to do with it?

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Once again, how can you write a punchline? And how can you make stuff like this up? Fox News hose Bill O’Reilly, talking about potential budgets cuts for “non-vital” programs: “Nodody’s life is affected by NPR. Nobody’s life is affected by Planned Parenthood. These are options.”  (Yes, he said this.)

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Augie’s comment about Ann Coulter coming to San Francisco.  Wonder if she’ll be speaking  at the
Y-M-C-A.?   I hear there’s a run on the Village People costumes. “

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After opening day.

April 2, 2011

Wonder if it’s a sign that Opening Day at Wrigley was April Fool’s Day.  Of course the real jokes is played every fall, when Cubs fans are told “Wait Until Next Year.”

Belated April Fool’s kudos to whoever drew up a Final Four bracket showing Butler and VCU in it. But maybe they should try to be a little more realistic next time?

The Chicago White Sox had a 14-0 lead, and hung on to beat the Indians 15-10 after Cleveland scored 10 runs in the last four innings. Happiest man in minor league baseball? The last relief pitcher cut by the White Sox out of spring training.

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Robert Redford actually threw out the first pitch at Wrigley. What many people don’t know is that Redford actually went to the University of Colorado in 1955 on a baseball scholarship. Wonder if he ever pitched against Jamie Moyer?

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Opening Day at Wrigley Field was yesterday! Wonder who threw out the first white flag?

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Nate Miles, the player whose recruitment helped get UConn on probation early this year, says now that coach Jim Calhoun knew about the improper benefits. With the Huskies playing Kentucky and John Calipari today, this could be a matchup between a coach who has had two teams who have vacated Final Fours and one who is about to have his first.

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, as part of a broader package to reduce costs of Medicaid in Arizona, is proposing an annual $50 charge for patients who are obese. Which means her state may be the first where it’s easier to buy a gun than a Big Mac.

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Meghan McCain is unhappy about the upcoming movie “Game Change,” saying it will embarrass her family, especially her father.  Hard to think the movie could do a better job of that than John McCain did himself by picking Sarah Palin.

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Wizards’ rookie star John Wall will serve a one-game suspension for fighting tonight when Washington takes on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Kind of the basketball equivalent of OSU football coach Jim Tressell being suspended against Temple and Akron.

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T.C. comment on managers’ choosing their opening day pitchers.  I had the huge decision myself, “Coors, Bud Light, Michelob…

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Expectant mothers:

March 8, 2011

Rachel Alexandra, the 2009 Horse of the Year, is in foal to two-time Horse of the Year Curlin.  Not sure if she’s formally retired, but this probably does rule out her ever competing again in Utah.

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After the announcement, Mike Huckabee immediately condemned Rachel Alexandra as a bad example to all fillies and mares out there for flaunting her out-of-wedlock condition.

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But really, back to the BYU situation.  If Davies does marry his “baby-mama,” gets reinstated for the NCAA tournament, and then they end up divorced soon after the child is born, well, it could put a whole new spin on “One and Done.”

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A Department of Transportation/Consumer Reports survey says that 63 percent of drivers under 30 admit to using handheld cellphones while driving, and 30 percent say they have sent texts from the road. The other 7 percent were too busy driving, talking on the phone AND texting to answer the survey.

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Many teams love to give out rally rags to fans during the post season. Wonder though when the NBA playoffs start in April, if the Miami Heat will give their fans crying towels.

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According to Yahoo Sports, Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel knew eight months earlier than the school admitted admitting knowing that star players were selling memorabilia. This allegation is serious enough it could get him fired from OSU, but might make Tressel the front runner to succeed Lane Kiffin at USC.

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Donald Trump criticized Republican Senator Lamar Alexander for trying to get free publicity because Alexander not only said Trump had no chance to win the GOP nomination, but added he was “famous for being famous.”   And “the Donald” allegedly said “Hey, get your own platform.”

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When they finally do cancel “The Bachelor/Bachelorette” reality series, can we hope that America will never have to hear the phrase again “in it for the right reasons?”

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The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. So this year the team may be known as the Cub-EEEs.

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According to CNN, Warner Brothers Television says it has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on “Two and a Half Men” effective immediately. Apparently it was cheaper to contract with Amtrak to show actual train wrecks

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from Jim Barach:

Former Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell is reportedly near foreclosure on his Oakland mansion. Apparently even his mortgage payments fell incomplete.

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Shivering towards Spring…

February 3, 2011

On college football’s national “Letter of Intent” day, the top four schoools as far as signees were Florida State, Alabama, Auburn and USC.

And curiously enough at none of the four was a flake of snow to be found today.

Although for that matter, at none of the top four schools did the signed letter of intent indicate any intent to actually go to any classes.

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As baseball’s Spring Training approaches, many in the San Francisco area are worried out loud about what might happen this year with the Giants. “Will all the attention and the pressure of being World Series champions make it harder for the team to succeed this year?” And on the North Side of Chicago fans are saying “Oh, STFU.”

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Okay, fans of the NBA equivalent of train wrecks – who wants to see the Washington Wizards travel to Cleveland to take on the Cavaliers? (They can’t BOTH lose, can’t they?”)

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Ines Sainz, the television reporter who was allegedly harrassed by the New York Jets in their locker room, is covering the Super Bowl. And was dressed for Media Day in a sequined micro-mini dress with stiletto heels. Can’t imagine why she would have a problem with players taking her seriously….

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In Devon, England, a Scottish man was sentenced to 24 months supervision (probation) after he pled guilty to charges of having sex with a horse. It’s a good news for the Royal family that Prince Charles probably has diplomatic immunity. (Yes, i know, mean, but somebody’s got to do it.)

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Former USC quarterback, Mitch Mustain, who left the school early for this year’s NFL draft, was arrested late Tuesday night on suspicion of selling prescription drugs. Mustain wanted to be the next Mark Sanchez, looks like he’s more likely to be the next Todd Marinovich.

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A CNN.com story about the new camaraderie between Rush Limbaugh and Elton John is titled “Unlikely Bedfellows.” Sorry, for those of us with visual minds, that’s a really scary headline.

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The Washington Post is reporting that Redskins owners Dan Snyder is trying to get a reporter from a small newspaper fired. The reporter in question wrote a long piece about all the things that have gone wrong during Snyder’s tenure. Here’s a suggestion if Dan wants a positive story written instead – “Sell the team.”

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Lou Pinella has signed on with the San Francisco Giants as a special assistant. No word on his exact duties yet, but manager Bruce Bochy hopes to use him as a designated dirt kicker.

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Letter from Santa?

December 20, 2010

Open reply letter from Santa to Chicago Cubs fans:  I got all your nice letters. Really. And I promise I’ll take care of that little World Series thing as soon as I take care of a few simpler requests like world peace.

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Note to Canadian readers – Santa apparently sent almost the same letter to Maple Leafs fans.

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Meanwhile, in Oakland, parents whose children have asked for things they can’t afford or don’t want to buy have an easy out.  “Sorry, kids, Santa hired Jamarus Russell to help him toss toys from the sleigh down the chimney.  Latest word is he’s still wondering where they ended up.

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The Vikings upgraded Brett Favre to questionable for tonight’s game against the Bears.  Frustrated fans responded that Brett has been questionable for most the year.

A recent polls showed 52 percent of Republicans believe in creationism.   Well, on some level it makes sense. These folks don’t do much for the theory of evolution.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho:

Racehorses who run well in sloppy weather are called “mudders.”  If they ever make a movie about those horses starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, will they title it “Mudder fockers?”

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and from Alex Kaseberg.  Some parents-to-be have actually asked their Facebook friends to name their soon-to-be-born baby. So let’s all get ready to welcome to the world, little miss ROFTLMAO.

 

This a combined effort with T.C.  (since he sent me a great minds comment.)

There’s a new page in the NFL handbook for rookie punters.  1.  When punting at the end of the half or the end of a game, make sure to punt the ball out of bounds.  2.  If you can’t punt it out of bounds, for Gawd’s sake punt it to the sidelines. At least that way one of your coaches will have a chance to trip the guy.

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Thank you, Cubbies.

September 29, 2010

Refrain for all Giants fans for the week: “Okay, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs, I will not make jokes about the Cubs.’

(for non-baseball fans, the Cubs have just won two in a row from the San Diego Padres, who the Giants are competing with for a playoff berth.)

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Earlier this summer, Giants pitcher Jonathan Sanchez made the mistake of predicting a San Francisco sweep against the Padres, and then went out and lost his start. He has been considerably more circumspect sense.

Meanwhile, last weekend, Padres catcher Yorvit Torrealba put San Diego’s chances of making the playoffs at “300 percent.” Now it definitely could still happen, but if Torrealba doesn’t play winter ball he might want to spend the offseason working on his mouth, and his math skills.

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Here’s an interesting bit of irony. When the San Francisco Giants, plagued by poor attendance and a poor ballpark, almost left SF after the 1992 season, they planned to move to the Tampa-St Petersburg area.

Last night, when the Tampa Bay Rays had a chance to clinch the division, they drew an “official” crowd of 12,446 fans (which looked a lot smaller), and the team is giving away 20,000 unsold tickets for their last regular season home game tomorrow.

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Rays star Evan Longoria was upset about the empty seats, and said publicly that it was embarrassing. If the man ever gets traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers someone better warn him about that third and seventh inning thing.

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Meanwhile, in the college game, the University of California announced it was cutting varsity baseball after 2011, along with rugby and some smaller sports. This will save the cash-strapped university about $4 million a year. $4 million. That’s about what Meg Whitman is spending on ads per week.

Regarding the Cal baseball program, has anyone thought of calling feuding Dodgers owners and soon-to-be-ex-spouses Frank and Jamie McCourt? Here’s their chance to back a genuine amateur team for the fraction of the cost of those boys at Chavez Ravine.
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During their gubernatorial debate, both Meg Whitman and Jerry Brown declined to say there was any benefit to illegal immigration for Californians. But both also said they were open to the idea of a Peripheral Canal idea to transport water in California. Yo, folks, if the state approves such a canal, who do think is going to dig it?

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Meg Whitman was just asked during the debate if she were elected would she work on changing campaign finance laws. Her answer, not immediately. What she means – not until after I’ve been able to buy my re-election.-

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The IRS says so many people are filing tax returns electronically that they will no longer automatically mail a traditional paper form. And we wonder why the Post Office is in trouble.

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Former President Jimmy Carter is apparently resting comfortably in a Cleveland hospital after becoming ill with an upset stomach on a Delta flight from Atlanta. Let’s hope he didn’t accept an invitation to join the pilots in the cockpit for a drink.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Coincidentally, the people who caused the recession are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs.

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Magic numbers?

September 28, 2010

With six games to go, SF Giants magic number is 6. L.A. Dodgers magic number is 18.

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Tonight, temperamental Chicago hurler Carlos Zambrano stepped up big time and the Cubs hung on for a 1-0 win over the San Diego Padres. Grateful Giants fans are considering sacrificing a water cooler in Zambrano’s honor.

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The SF Giants, one of the most “offensively-challenged” teams in baseball, will play the similarly afflicted San Diego Padres this weekend, with the NL Western Division title probably on the line. This could be the first MLB playoff spot ever decided by penalty kicks.

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Sad story about the owner of the Segway company falling off a cliff while riding one of his machines. Sad, really. But I defy anyone to read the story without at least trying to stop giggling.

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Georgia Bulldogs freshman linebacker Demetre Baker, 19, was jailed this weekend in Athens on DUI and underage alcohol possession charges.

This makes him the 10th football player from the University arrested this year. On a brighter note, Georgia announced they officially are now running the NCAA’s best NFL preparedness program.

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For Canadian football fans – The cellar-dwelling Winnipeg Blue Bombers are actually a .500 team at home, but are winless in their six away games. In fact, they might have the worst record on the road since George Michael.

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Braylon Edwards was arrested last week for DUI, with a alleged blood alcohol level over twice the legal limit. Jets coach Rex Ryan suspended him for ONE quarter, saying he thought Braylon had “suffered enough.” And Edwards caught a 67-yard touchdown catch that the team beat the Dolphins 31-23 Sunday. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

(If he’d injured or killed someone in an accident wonder if Ryan would have suspended him for a whole half?)
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While Michael Douglas’ sequel to “Wall Street” was the number one movie last week, it still put up disappointing numbers after mostly mediocre reviews. Apparently while “Money Never Sleeps,” the audience might doze off.

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As the Denver Nuggets try to unload a disgruntled Carmelo Anthony, Anthony is perhaps trying to salvage his reputation by insisting, “I’ve never said I wanted to be traded. I never once said anything about trade talk.”

Indeed, a trade means someone else gets to choose. Carmelo just wants to play where HE wants to play. Wonder if he’s already trying working out a deal for an ESPN special.

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from Bill Littlejohn: “Stanford’s FB/LB Owen Marecic became the first player to score both ways at Notre Dame since a 1976 campus visit by David Bowie.”
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Rough day for the 49ers, Raiders and Chargers. Who’d a thunk that the best football team in California this year might turn out to be Stanford?

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Christine O’Donnell wants us to believe that she is a different person from the woman who made all those crazy quotes in the past. But since people really don’t tend to change all that much as they get older, seems like electing her would just result in “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”

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Losing records.

September 22, 2010

Joe Torre apologized today for remarks indicating he might be interested in going back to New York :”It certainly wasn’t my intention of doing that and making people believe that I wanted to manage the Mets.”

Well, makes sense, if for no other reason than Torre doesn’t want other potential employers to question his sanity.

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New York manager Jerry Manuel had been upset about Joe Torre’s comment that he was “curious” about the Mets job, saying “I find it also curious when someone comments about a job that someone already has.”

Yeah, but considering that New York has the fifth highest payroll at $132 million and is in fourth place in their division, there is some question as to whether the someone who has the job is actually doing it.

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Houston Texans LT Duane Brown became the latest NFL player suspended for Performance Enhancing Drugs. And of course, he blamed a tainted supplement. At least Paris Hilton was original enough to come up with the gum excuse.

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After the 49ers loss to the New Orleans Saints by a last second field goal, many in the San Francisco media are loving to talk about the “moral victory.”

“Moral victory?” Who do they think Northern Californians are, Cubs fans?

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Meanwhile, Giants 1, Cubs 0. Just another offensive explosion for San Francisco.

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The Cubs, btw, have a $146 million payroll, and as of today 68 wins, which means they are about to come in at about $2 million a win. Making them just about the team equivalent to Barry Zito.

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A man was arrested allegedly for trying to plant a bomb near Wrigley Field. I suppose it’s some comfort to know at least that he wasn’t targeting the World Series.

(Or as Alex Kaseberg added, “I thought the Cubs were the biggest bomb at Wrigley Field.)

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There are rumors Facebook may come out with a cellphone. If so, it might be the first smartphone without a voice app.
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Apparently Cher is leaving Las Vegas next February and Celine Dion is returning to take her place. Wait, didn’t the U.S. sign a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Lisa Murowski, who lost the Republican Primary as a sitting senator, has the following line in a television ad about her write-in candidacy:

“Alaskans have spoken, they cannot accept the extreme views of Joe Miller nor the inexperience of (Democrat) Scott McAdams.”

(Well actually, based on the votes in the primary, Senator Murkowski, Alaskans have spoken, and they don’t want you.)

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A joint joke with my funny friend Jerry Perisho,

NFL star Reggie Bush broke his leg during Monday night’s game. Out of habit, he sent his copy of the x-rays back to the doctor.

Bush also said the crutches were not an admission that the leg was broken.
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Further regarding Bush’s statement about returning the Heisman not being an admission of guilt: Right, and Larry Craig’s pleading guilty was not an admission he was gay.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle suggested on Monday that she’d prefer free-market remedies to a legislative mandate that insurance companies be required to cover people with pre-existing condition. Uh, haven’t we been trying “free-market remedies” up until this point. Didn’t appear they were working.

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Goodbye Sweet Lou…

August 23, 2010

A quick note up front, if these jokes seem more lame than usual this week I am out of the country on vacation, although thanks to the sporting and political worlds (and great friends and readers) for providing me with material in the limited time I have to post this blog this week.

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Lou Pinella abruptly quit the Cubs to spend time with his ailing mother. Can you blame him? Considering the season the Cubs are having, given the chance to manage the team, many men would think it would be preferable to spend time with their sullen teenagers.
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Lou Pinella may have retired but there is talk that the Cubs want him back at Wrigley for one more game, so he can be ceremoniously tossed out with the first pitch. And in his honor, the team will retire a dirt covered home plate.

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Oklahoma City Thunder center Nenad Krstic thinks he might be suspended for the World Championships in Istanbul because he threw a chair during in a bench-clearing brawl during Serbia’s game against Greece. On the other hand, he’s been offered a one-on-one reality TV special with Bobby Knight.

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Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren have announced through their lawyers that they are officially divorced, and that “once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure (our children’s) future well-being.

Translation of “amicable” – no golf clubs were involved.

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A small group of men and women rallied in San Francisco as part of “Go Topless” day, to demand that both sexes be equally able to go out in public with bare breasts. Finally, a feminist cause most men would wholeheartedly agree with.

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from Alex Kaseberg:

Spencer Pratt is going to write a tell-all book about Heidi Montag; “Oh my word, that is going to be brilliant literature.” said nobody on the planet.

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Pratt hasn’t actually started writing the book yet, but he has gone so far as to ask former President George W. Bush for his suggestion as to the best brand of crayons.

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from Jim Barach: Senator John McCain said in a campaign speech yesterday that he hasn’t changed his positions on issues like immigration, taxes and climate change as he has been accused of doing.

He said at his age it’s just getting harder to remember all the issues in the first place.

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In the Sacramento Rivercats “Battle of the Bobbleheads,” the 1250 Meg Whitman bobblehead giveaways lasted a few minutes less than the 1250 Jerry Brown bobbleheads. Which either means slightly more fans preferred Whitman, or they preferred to get her bobblehead for target practice.
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As these demonstrations against building new Mosques spread across the United States, most recently to Tennessee and Southern California, it’s becoming more clear that some people’s idea of “too near to Ground Zero” means “anywhere on the same continent.”

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Tiger, Tiger…

April 8, 2010

Starting tomorrow, nonstop media analysis of the question ‘Is the media making too much of Tiger Woods’ return?”

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This one is tacky – Some say that the whole circus atmosphere surrounding Tiger Woods’ return is reminiscent of the O.J. Simpson case, without of course, anyone being murdered. And Elin Woods is thinking to herself, not if my swing was better.

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Augusta National Golf Club chairman Billy Payne criticized Tiger Woods for disappointing fans, saying “he forgot to remember that with fame and fortune comes responsibility, not invisibility.” Strong words from the head of a club that refused to intergrate until 1990 and still prohibits women members.

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Apparently the Chicago Cubs now have the most expensively priced regular tickets in Major League baseball, having overtaken the Yankees and Red Sox. Makes sense though, the Cubs need to do something to compensate for that lack of post-season revenue.

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A United Airlines flight from Washington, D.C. to Denver had to land with a fighter jet escort tonight. Apparently a Qatari diplomat caused a bomb scare by trying to smoke in an airline bathroom. Suggestion to add to the airline’s buy-on-board list? Nicorette gum.

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Apparently the diplomat will not face criminal charges. But isn’t it time to make criminal stupidity at least a misdemeanor?

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Just how much is Duke’s men’s basketball team considered an “Evil Empire?’ Apparently even the New York Yankees were rooting for Butler.

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The Washington Redskins so dominate the news in our nation’s capital, that on opening day for the Nationals, all the media talk was about Donovan McNabb. Apparently Bud Selig was watching local television and turned his set off in disgust. Which, ironically, was the same thing fans did who actually started watching the Nationals game.

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The San Francisco Giants have started the season 3-0. And for those Giants fans who think it couldn’t be better. The Los Angeles Dodgers are 0-2.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs will finish 29th out of 30 teams in the NHL this year. Many hockey fans are shocked….there’s a team worse than the Leafs?

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Tim Horton’s, a Canadian doughnut chain, has introduced a breakfast sandwich which comes in at about 530 calories. The Toronto Star described it as “packing a calorie wallop.” Many Americans would consider it an appetizer.

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Busted brackets…

March 19, 2010

How bad a day was it for sports fans who had Big East teams going deep into the tournament? Some of them are so upset that tomorrow they might actually use their office computers for work.

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Three teams (Georgetown, Marquette and Notre Dame) upset in the first round, and Villanova barely escaped. Who knew that in the NCAA tournament the Big East would suddenly become the Big Easy?

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And now we really know St. Patrick’s Day is over. The first NCAA tournament upset was Old Dominion over Notre Dame. So much for the luck of the Irish.

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And here most Irish fans thought the worst thing that would happen to them today was a St Patty’s hangover.

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The Chicago Cubs are considering putting up the first sponsored sign at Wrigley Field – a Toyota logo over the left field bleachers. But do Toyota and the team really have that much in common? After all, you can stop the Cubs.

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From my very talented and funny friend Jerry Perisho:

This is one of those rare moments in history when mortgage rates and Congress’s approval ratings both hover around 5%.

(and my rejoinder – the difference is that we can actually expect Congress’s ratings might go lower.)

Ideas for getting those census forms back…

So the U.S. Government is spending over $11 billion on their latest census. And for all that they are worried about getting people to reply.

Can I suggest a few simple answers?

Get the census form returned by this weekend along with a filled out bracket and be entered in a March Madness prize pool.

Forget needing to do the work of brackets. Have a Publisher’s Clearing House type contest with winners drawn from respondents.

Give respondents extra votes for American Idol.

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Longshot bets.

March 16, 2010

Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner had their first debate Monday night, in front of an organization of Republican donors who pay a $10,000 annual membership fee. Or as the GOP calls them “the middle class.”

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David Beckham had successful tendon surgery which means there is a chance, a very slim chance, but a chance that the soccer star could play in the World Cup. English fans in particular just hope the 34 year old can still “Mend it like Beckham.”
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“Spring forward, fall back.” Isn’t that how Cubs fans would describe their expectations for their team every year?

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The last known wild wolverine in the state of Michigan was found dead this weekend, apparently of natural causes. Wonder if it’s related to the fact we don’t see Wolverines in the Rose Bowl any more either.

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As healthcare reform inches closer to passage, and Limbaugh considers relocation, I can’t wait until Rush realizes one thing – Costa Rica has socialized healthcare.

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There must be days when President Obama wonders if it could get any worse. On the constant bright side, however, is the fact that he didn’t choose John Edwards as his vice president.

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You have to love Rielle Hunter, John Edward’s “baby mama.” She states in a GQ interview that Edwards’ decision to run for president in 2008 was “reckless.” Presumably as opposed to his decision to sleep with her “a few hours’ after they first met.

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But okay, while you readers might be fillling out brackets… who would have bet on Bill and Hillary Clinton staying married longer than John and Elizabeth Edwards?

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The Vatican is denying that its celibacy requirement is a root cause of the latest sex abuse scandal with priests in Europe. Sure, when a non-negotiable part of a job description is that you can never marry or even have a adult sexual relationship, there’s no chance that would attract men with….issues.

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Once again, you can’t make this up, again.

October 29, 2009

Apparently Jon Gosselin has agreed to star in a reality show in which he’ll date Octomom Nadya Suleman. Presumably there are some pre-conditions to be worked out first on both sides, like mandatory sterilization.

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Brett Favre has said about his return to Green Bay’s Lambeau Field Sunday that “I’ve heard boos in that stadium before.” Well, at least this time he won’t hear them for interceptions.

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The Washington redskins are banning fans from bringing home made signs from FedEx field under a general NFL principle that messages displayed on signs and clothing cannot be offensive.

Fans in return are wondering when the Redskins will start following the general NFL principle that the team on the field shouldn’t be offensive.

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A Philadelphia woman allegedly offered to trade sex for World Series tickets for herself and her husband. That’s a tough one for men – would you let your wife have sex with another man if you got Series tickets out of it? Well, at least that’s one worry Cubs fans don’t have..

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Sarah Palin continued her feud with Levi Johnston today, saying he has a “desperate need for attention.” She added that she will explain further on Twitter, on her Facebook page and during her upcoming book tour.

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Shaquille O’Neal just said that he and Zydrunas Ilgauskas are the “best centers in the NBA” Well, maybe for those playing the sports edition of Scrabble.

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SF Giants prospect Buster Posey was voted the Player of the Year amongst those who spent 2009 on minor league teams. Which must be a disappoinment for Ryan Zimmerman of the Washington Nationals.

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