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Sign of summer.

June 30, 2013

We can tell it’s officially summer. The New York Yankees are on Sunday Night Baseball.

 

The New York Yankees have now lost five in a row. No joke. I just like typing that.

(And hey, okay, the SF Giants lost six in a row. But they are now on a one game winning streak.   And yeah, it’s been a rough month. )

 

SF Giants are tied for worst in majors as having only 29 games this year where they shut out their opponent in the first inning. This stat is shocking to regular Giants fans… there have been 29 games in 2013 where SF pitchers didn’t allow a first inning run?   (Today was 30.  Barely, after Madison Bumgarner allowed first and third with no outs in the first.)

 

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Sarah Palin says that if the GOP continues to “neglect conservatives” she is open to leaving and creating a new “Freedom Party.” And many Republicans are thinking “Promise?

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So I know you can already bet in Las Vegas on the over-under for the 2014 Super Bowl score. Can you bet on the over-under for 2013 NFL arrests?

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The Baltimore Orioles’ Chris Davis is having a breakout season with 31 home runs so far. So which will be more prevalent, the discussion of him as a possible MVP, or as a possible PED user?

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Former Patriots WR Deion Branch told a reporter that Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy and a great friend of mine and a great teammate. I love him to death, and it was shocking to hear his name involved in this situation.” Of course Branch has the perspective that Hernandez never saw him talking to anyone he didn’t like.

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Four tourists and the pilot are fine when a NYC sightseeing helicopter had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson river. We know the helicopter wasn’t owned by a major U.S. airline. Otherwise they’d have charged extra for the “Sully” experience.

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Interesting suggestion from Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News – “If you are an NFL player found to be in possession of an unregistered weapon, you get suspended for eight games, twice what you get for a dope offense, just for being a dope.”

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Over the line?

April 22, 2013

Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was arrested for DUI. Not exactly her best performance in Walk the Line

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Ok, this statement from Reese Witherspoon. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.” What? No blame on someone else? How does she call herself a celebrity.

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T.C.’s comment-   “Apparently, Reese Witherspoon was beligerent when her husband was arrested for DUI. She asked the cop “Do you know who I am???” He replied, “Yes, you’re Al Michaels”.

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South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District hasn’t elected a Democrat since 1961 but Elizabeth Colbert Busch is now leading Mark Sanford by 9 points in the polls. Maybe proving that even though you can make all kinds of anti-woman comments, it IS just possible to be enough of a douchebag that they won’t vote for you.

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American  golfers Dustin Johnson and Zach Johnson have pulled out of the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea this week citing safety concerns. Although with all due respect, the U.S. tournament this week is the Zurich Classic in New Orleans, where they are statistically more likely to be shot.

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After 11 NFL seasons, LB Scott Fujita announced his retirement today when he signed a one-day contract with New Orleans so he could retire as a Saint. New York fans immediately started pleading with Mark Sanchez to sign such a one-day contract with the Jets.

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Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni said L.A. needs Steve Nash to upset the Spurs. Now I like Steve Nash as much as I dislike Kobe. But to pull off this upset? I think they need the Nash of about 5-10 years ago.

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A new report published in Pedriatics says at least 30 teenagers needed medical attention last year after trying the “cinnamon challenge.” Which is trying to swallow a spoonful of ground cinnamon in 60 seconds without water. Great, just what we need – driver’s licenses required to make purchases in the spice aisle.

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NY State Sen. Greg Ball posted on Twitter that “who wouldn’t want to use torture against the surviving Boston terror suspect?” Uh, leaving aside the moral implications, and that fact that this is not a movie or “24” episode, could we at least wait and see if he answers voluntarily?

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SF Giants didn’t have a walkoff win until April 19. Now they have 2 in 4 days. Are they trying to become the official baseball team of Just For Men?

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There have been several flight delays on the East Coast due to FAA controllers being furloughed with sequestration budget cuts. Can’t we schedule these furloughs where they are most deserved – at whatever time members of Congress are trying to fly home for the weekend?

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From Terry Etter:  “Because the budget crisis has caused some air traffic controllers to be laid off, the FAA says we can expect flight delays of up to 3 and 1/2 hours this summer. So who knew that having fewer traffic controllers would shorten airline delays.”

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CB Darrelle Revis, traded from the Jets to the Buccaneers, promised that Tampa Bay “will make a lot of noise” in the 2013 season. Well, with Revis on the team “noise” is a given. Winning, on the other hand…

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Auburn’s AD Jay Jacobs responded to an online report that accused their 2011 BCS champion team of altering grades and bribing players by saying the article was full of “misrepresentations” and “is clearly flawed.” Hmm, does that mean there was a lot of stuff they missed?

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Oh deer…. antler spray.

January 29, 2013

Randy Moss said today that he thinks he’s “the greatest receiver to ever do it.” Even Terrell Owens is thinking “Check that man for concussions.”

 

An orangutan at the Fresno Zoo picked the SF 49ers to win the Super Bowl by choosing a red and gold blanket out of a box. But how unscientific. Where’s Paul the Octopus when we really need him?

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All these Super Bowl prop bets, who’ll score first, how many rushing yards for Colin Kaepernick, how many field goals, etc… So who’s laying odds on how many stupid things Randy Moss can say between today and Sunday?

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So let me get this straight… Joe Flacco is getting more grief Super Bowl week for calling playing next year’s game in NJ “retarded,” which he quickly corrected, than Ray Lewis is getting about those two guys who ended up stabbed to death in 2000?    And Ray himself is only getting grief about…. deer antler spray. 

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(If Bonds says he thought it was flaxseed oil, wonder what Lewis will say the spray was..)

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But seriously, not condoning cheating. On the other hand, AAA minor league baseball minimum salary is $2150 a month, for six months. Major league minimum salary is $490,000 a year. Wonder how many of us would turn down a drug that would increase our salaries that much?

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Roger Goodell had a news conference in New York City about the 2014 Super Bowl, which will be played at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, and talked about the forecast for 50 degree weather this weekend. Uh, yeah, and Goodell conveniently forgot the 10 degree weather in NJ LAST weekend.

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A judge upheld San Francisco’s public nudity ban, saying that requiring people to wear clothing doesn’t violate the First Amendment. Can that same judge rule on spandex next? (As a favorite bumper sticker said ‘Spandex, it’s a privilege, not a right.”)

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Mormon-owned Marriott International has joined an coalition to repeal DOMA, (the Defense of Marriage Act.) Forget politics, needing to put heads in beds REALLY makes for strange bedfellows.

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In Delaware last weekend Ada Bryant, 97, married Robert Haire, 89. The bride is keeping her name. Because, hey, you never know. What if she gets tired of him or something?.

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Ashley Judd is ending her 11 year marriage to Indy 500 winner Dario Franchitti. Women are thinking “How sad, it was such a romantic story.” And men are thinking “There’s renewed hope!”

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Alex Rodriguez has been implicated in another potential PED scandal, but he denies using any drugs recently. And why should we doubt a man who already told us in 2009 that the only time he lied about using illegal PEDs was from 2001-03.

 

 

American Airlines is being investigated by the FAA for allegedly flying a 757 for two months with emergency exits blocked by misaligned passenger seats. So expect a new question from flight attendants: “In case of an emergency, are you willing and able to unbolt your seats and then open the exit door?”

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Former GOP congressman Ray LaHood is stepping down as Transportation Secretary, but says he thought it was “the best job” he’s ever had in public service, and that he liked working for Obama. Is LaHood also trying to get kicked out of the Republican party?

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Winning?

November 25, 2012

Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.

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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?

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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.

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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”

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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.

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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.

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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?

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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.

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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?”   (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish)  Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.

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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….

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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.

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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)

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If you’re reading this.

September 20, 2012

You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5.   Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old.   Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”

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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.

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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?

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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?

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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?

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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.

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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach.  “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”

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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.

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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?

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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.

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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.

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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.

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Growing, growing, gone….

August 14, 2012

A new study says 12 states have very high (over 30% of adults) obesity rates: Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and West Virginia. Most of them red states. Which either means higher healthcare costs or less people alive to collect Social Security….

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Apparently a $100 million-dollar intrusion-detection system JFK Airport failed to detect a man who WALKED onto a runway Sunday. Gosh, if there were only something that could have seen him, like a human eye, for example?

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Once again, and not for the last time, I miss Molly Ivins. And would SO love to read her column on the Romney-Ryan ticket.

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Dolphins coach Joe Philbin said that Chad Johnson wasn’t released because of any single incident. Really? Then why release him the day after his arrest? (Maybe Philbin’s auditioning for a career in politics.)

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Isn’t education grand? Seminoles star Greg Reid, who was dismissed from FSU after multiple offenses, the last a traffic and marijuana arrest in Valdosta,  Georgia, has announced he is transferring….to Valdosta State.

(You would think there were one or two small colleges in the South where the cops don’t know him by name.)

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R.I.P Helen Gurley Brown, 90, who once said “good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” Well, I guess now she’ll find out.

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Out of habit this week wonder if NBC will air the Nightly News tape-delayed at midnight?

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And you think you have travel problems… Two first class passengers delayed a Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne because the airline didn’t have XL pyjamas available for them. (They refused business class PJs and decided to get off the plane.)

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All passengers were safely evacuated after a United Airlines plane caught fire before taking off from Seattle last night. Stand by for United tickets adding a $5 fire extinguisher fee.

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Bristol Palin on Paul Ryan “Pray for his family. Pray that he can meet the challenges of the campaign trail without being burned by the spotlight.” Nothing against Ryan personally, and sounds like he has a nice family, but hey, what about the challenges being a potential President?

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Oklahoma, More than O.K.

June 7, 2012

How young are the Oklahoma City Thunder? For example, Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant, both 24, are basically the same age Mark Madsen was during his senior year playing basketball at Stanford.

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On the other hand, how old are the San Antonio Spurs?  Well, they won’t win the NBA championship, but at least the team’s playoff winnings should be supplemented by Medicare.

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Jeb Bush said in an interview today that he probably should have run for president in 2012: “This was probably my time.,” Translation “These clowns in the primary made even my brother look smart by comparison.”

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Some seem surprised that most of the Sandusky jurors have ties to Penn State. Uh, folks, the trial is in Bellefonte, Pennsylvania, population 6,187, 12 miles from the PSU campus. Why else would you move there WITHOUT ties to Penn State?

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Sports fans in Los Angeles may not normally pay much attention to hockey. But they are really getting into this idea of a Kings sweep to win the Stanley Cup. In fact, when asked on Wednesday,  many of them said they can’t wait for  the night’s kickoff.

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Ya think Bill Clinton still misses the presidential limelight? At this point it would be a close call to measure him and Donald Trump for the larger ego.

June 6 was the 44th anniversary of the death of RFK after he was assassinated following the California primary. Had he lived, Kennedy would be 87 years old. Or as Larry King would say “Still a mere child.”

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In the latest installment of the second Roger Clemens perjury trial, a expert paid by the defense testified that Clemens’ DNA found on a syringe needle could have been placed there intentionally. Here’s the real question at this point. Is there anyone left in America who really cares anymore? –

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45 people were just indicted in Puerto Rico for drug smuggling. American Airlines employees were allegedly transporting and loaded suitcases filled with cocaine to the cargo area, and putting them on flights to Miami, Orlando and Newark. Hmm, was it a tip off that the luggage handlers were working really really fast?

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Regarding Wisconsin: I am no fan of Scott Walker, but it still strikes me that recalls are a waste of money. You have buyer’s remorse, wait until the next election and think about your vote more carefully the next time.

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Follow the money.

April 25, 2012

Mitt Romney’ s website states “We have a moral responsibility, not to spend more than we take in.” Although Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he’s following that old W. axiom “money spent on wars doesn’t count.”

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The Golden State Warriors, who lose their draft pick to Utah if it’s not a lottery pick, are on the cusp of winning just enough games to probably finish out of that lottery. On the other hand, at least Warriors fans won’t be disappointed again by a another lousy pick.

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A case of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in California. Let’s hear it again from Mitt Romney how he wants to cut the FDA food inspection budget by 5-20 percent.

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That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants – World Peace is available!
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Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking “Dude, give it up already.

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No one quite knows why Newt Gingrich finally is saying he might drop out of the Presidential race. Maybe someone said he was wedded to the idea of running?

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Starbucks is going to open store at Disney theme parks in California and Florida. Makes sense. These are some of the few places in the world where their coffee will look like a bargain by comparison.

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The BCS is looking at a plan to have a 4 team playoff, with the big BCS bowl games played around January 1. New Year’s Day bowl games?! What a radical concept!

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A new survey of over 1,000 passengers claims the most popular seat on an average flight in economy class is 6a. Clearly “the furthest seat possible away from a screaming infant” was not an option.

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President Obama today to Jimmy Fallon about the Secret Service scandal “”What these guys were thinking, I don’t know.” Uh, Mr. President, that’s the point. They weren’t thinking. At least with their upper brains.

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Cardinal (barely) rules.

October 30, 2011

From USA Today about tonight’s Stanford-USC marathon: “It turned out to be messy and gut-wrenching, sloppy and dramatic, heroic and exhausting.” Yep, that just about summed it up. Went to a football game and it turned into game six of the World Series.

Stanford may not be completely happy about keeping their perfect record by escaping with a 56-48 overtime win over USC. On the other hand, fans of Kansas State and Clemson would gladly trade places with the Cardinal.

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Great sign at USC tailgate “Party like there’s no postseason.”

(as my friend Alex Schubert said, “they stole it from Wrigley Field.”)

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In the midst of a labor dispute, Qantas abruptly grounded its global fleet, and Australia’s government sought a court order to force the airline to fly. Said one official “I know is there is a better way to resolve these matters … than locking your customers out.” Really, who do Qantas management think they are? NBA owners?

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United Airlines is running ads saying to book Thanksgiving travel now to create happy family memories. Wonder if that means when they cancel flights you have an excuse not to be with your family.

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The NBA has now cancelled games through November 30. So now players have decisions to make, as to spending Thanksgiving with which one of their families.

(Augie says, “Or start new ones.”)

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Had a client from New York ask if a certain hotel in Hawaii would be full of children and Japanese tourists in January. Resisted the urge to respond, “Interesting, I’ve had families and foreigners ask if the hotel would be full of New Yorkers.”

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A Norwegian study found that people who have trouble getting a decent night’s sleep may also face a higher risk of heart attack. Great, one more thing to lie awake worrying about.

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God now wishes to deny rumors of His/Her being involved with the outcome of the World Series. She/He is focusing all attention right now on helping Tim Tebow.

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Stupidity knows no party boundaries: California Dem. Assemblywoman Mary Hayashi of Castro Valley has been charged with felony grand theft for allegedly shoplifting over $2,4000 worth of clothes from Neiman Marcus in San Francisco. Her spokesman said she had walked out “unintentionally” with the clothes. Well at least Hayashi didn’t claim it was “redistribution.”

(And these $2400 plus of clothes. A blouse, a skirt, and a pair of leather pants. Yep, you know she was at “Needless Markup.”)

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Plane insanity?

July 30, 2011

Two Delta planes sustained minor damage when when they ran into each other at Chicago O’Hare airport Friday night. This only two weeks after two Delta planes collided at Boston Logan Airport. Think this could be the end of those cockpit happy hours.

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A woman was kicked off a Southwest flight because she was crying too much. Wow. If this becomes a trend John Boehner is grounded.

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Edwin Edwards, 83-year-old ex-governor of Louisiana has married a 32-year-old woman. They met as penpals while he was serving a federal prison sentence for bribery and extortion. This is the sort of marriage the California Proposition 8 people are defending?

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Cam Newton’s agent texted today that the Heisman winner signed a deal with the Carolina Panthers for four years and “$22 million-plus.”

Wonder how much the Panthers’ paid Cam’s father?
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The Oakland Raiders have just hired a grandmother as one of their cheerleaders. In related news, Al Davis just got a QB resume from Brett Favre.

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The Physician Committee for Responsible Medicine, a nonprofit pro-vegan group, has erected a billboard with a cigarette pack full of hot dogs -and says they are as unhealthy as cigarettes. Uh, maybe, but who ever said it was a good idea to smoke hot dogs?

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Trying to keep support for “Cut, Cap and Balance,” Sarah Palin reminded GOP freshmen in Congress of the promises they made during their 2010 campaigns. Uh, Sarah, wasn’t an implicit part of those promises actually serving out their terms?

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Former astronaut Lisa Novak, the one who made that drive from Houston to Orlando to confront a romantic rival, was banished from NASA with an “other than honorable discharge.” On a brighter note, she’s allegedly already received an endorsement offer from Depends.

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Reading stories about former joint Dodgers’ owners Jamie and Frank McCourt: Millions spent on attorney fees, and constant bickering about how many more millions they need to sustain their lifestyles. It’s a wonder this couple ever got divorced. The two seem perfect for each other.

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A two-week operation in Mendocino National Forest destroyed 460,000 marijuana plants, and U.S. agents also seized 3/4 ton of processed pot. In related news, Krispy Kreme cut profit forecasts 20 percent.

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GOP Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, running as the “sane” and “civil” choice spoke to a small group of less than 300 college Republicans Friday. Reminds me of when a woman said to then presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson that he had the “vote of every thinking man” in the U.S. Adlai’s reply: “Thank you, but I need a majority to win.”

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Summer time, and the laughing is easy.

June 22, 2011

One of the new popular items at county fairs this summer is apparently deep-fried Kool-Aid balls. (really.) Assume the price on them is $4.20.

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Another example of why when you wish/pray for something, it is important to be specific.   The Giants lost to the Twins tonight 9-2, after Minnesota scored 8 runs in the first inning.  How many SF Giants fans said before the game- “God, I am so tired of watching great pitching wasted in 2-1 losses”?

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Another day, another Republican candidate. Today it’s Jon Huntsman, who says he wants to “create jobs.” Waiting for the honest man or woman who really states the GOP platform – “More tax breaks for millionaires.”

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Dirk Nowitzki is now trying to decide whether to take the summer off, or play for the German National Team. Or he could make a Lebron like compromise – play for the German team, but take the fourth quarter off.

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Now Newt Gingrich’s campaign finance staff has resigned. To paraphrase an old joke, at this point the main difference between Newt’s presidential campaign and Elvis, is that everyone knows the campaign is dead.

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“Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, announced that he has married his 16-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Alexis Stodden. Even Hugh Hefner is saying “Now that’s just creepy.”

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Princess Cruise Lines is now dropping both Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta as a port on their seven-day cruises from Los Angeles, citing concerns over “the continued violence in these areas.” Really? If the cruise line was that concerned about violence, they would just drop Los Angeles.

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In a report released by the American Customer Satisfication Index, airlines ranked 47th amongst among 47 industries. This despite many survey respondents who tried to rank them 50th.

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An Amish man was arrested today in Indiana when he arrived at a 12 year old girl’s house in a horse-drawn buggy . Allegedly he had sent the girl sexually explicit messages. So what is an Amish sext? – A hand written note directing someone to look for naked pictures placed on top of their rotary phone?

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This next may only make sense to California readers…

Statement from Gavin Newsom’s spokesperson: “Contrary to rumors and speculations cited in recent media reports, Lt. Governor Newsom has no intention of pursuing a run for the U.S. House of Representatives.” Of course not now – at this point he has no idea where things will end up with redistricting.

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Despite many allegations of the contrary, a investigation by the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles of two Columbus-area automobile dealerships found that no state laws were broken as far as used car deals given to Ohio State football players and family members, and that they could not confirm any special deals were tied to free tickets and memorabilia.

The department, however,  declined to release details of  the investigation.  Would just love to see how much Buckeyes’ memorabilia is on display at the BMV. 

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Heading into turkey week.

November 23, 2010

The 3-7 Minnesota Vikings fired coach Brad Childress. Guess they figured with Favre and the rest of the talent they have the team should be at least 4-6.

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It could always be worse department: The Illinois-Northwestern game Saturday was the first college football game at Wrigley Field in 72 years. Just think, fans in attendance then were probably complaining about their Cubs’ 30 year World Series drought.

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Another loss for Lebron and his friends in Miami. At this point they may have to change their name to the “Miami Lukewarm.”

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So much for the 49ers latest-quarterback savior, as Troy had an awful Sunday. Wonder if we should say the Bucs employed a wooden horse defense?

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Delta Air Lines is saying that in “rare” cases they will consider refunds for passengers who don’t want to go through the enhanced TSA patdowns this Thanksgiving.

Translation, those “rare cases” are probably when there are  people on the waitlist willing to pay a lot more than you did on their ticket.

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New TSA theme songs?

“You ain’t seen nothing yet?”  or “The way that I want to touch you?

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As much as many travelers now think TSA should be privatized, let’s at least hope they don’t put the airlines in charge. Not only would the pat-down situation not improve, but the carriers would almost certainly add an additional “massage charge.”

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Not everyone, however, is upset with the new hands-on security protocol.  In fact, rumor has it that out of the fans who flew to New York for the U.S. Premiere of the most recent Harry Potter movie,  many of them asked the TSA inspectors for a second date.

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At 1-9, the Panthers are all alone as the worst team in the NFL. Which means that Stanford quarterback Andrew Luck may discover in 2011 that there are just a few things “finer than to be in Carolina….”

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The Defense Department says they will release their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” report early as some moderate senators say they want time to read the report before voting. This is news indeed. Senators actually sometimes read bills before they vote?

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Are you “gellin”? Not if you’re flying. While the bodyscans are getting all the publicity, TSA also lists gel shoe inserts on their banned list, except in checked luggage. (Really.) What’s next, a ban on gel insert bras.

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More and more stores will be open this year Thanksgiving Day,  including Sears,  Walmart, Kmart and Gap, which means further erosion of the traditional “Black Friday” start to the Christmas shopping season.

Will we look back year from now on this being the beginning of the trend that moved “Black Friday” to the weekend before Labor Day?

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The BCS, airline security, and other jokes.

January 9, 2010

With all the fallout from the Gilbert Arenas gun incident with the Wizards following a card game, the New Jersey Nets informed players that gambling was no longer permitted on team flights. Which is harsh. It’s the only way this year at least some of the Nets were getting a taste of winning.

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A Facebook exercise designed to draw attention to breast cancer is requesting women to post their bra color as their status, and then invite their friends to do the same. Not surprisingly, Al Gore posted “green.”

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Backup Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert’s father Gale was actually the Cal quarterback when they beat Stanford on “The Play.” Unfortunately last night Garrett didn’t have the Stanford band to bail him out.

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ESPN analysts are saying Boise State has a real chance for next year’s national championship, but it will depend on their pre-season ranking. Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating.

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Jay Leno made a lot of snide jokes tonight about NBC’s possibly cancelling his show. The network might have sued him for libel. But libel requires that the negative comments actually reach an audience.

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Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, died at the age of 87. The funeral will feature a closed top coffin, which will then pop open, then closed, then open, then closed…

The service will be private, but tickets may be available on Ebay.

(explanatory note, Ebay was supposedly founded by a guy who wanted to make it easier for his girlfriend to buy and sell her Pez dispenser connection.)

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Former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and praised former President George W. Bush’s record on terrorism over that of President Obama’s. “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” Yes, he said it.

Later apparently, Guiliani corrected himself and said he should have said “Since 9/11.” Oh yeah, that. But, btw, Richard Reed boarded that American flight with his shoe bomb on December 22, 2001.

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A Hawaiian Airlines flight to Maui was intercepted by fighter pilots and returned to Portland because of a passenger’s rambling comment card talking about “Gilligan’s Island” with fantasies about Ginger and Mary Ann. Now, I’m no theology expert, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that the 72 virgins do NOT include Ginger and Mary Ann.

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Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who was engaged in a bitter power struggle with Sarah Palin, now says the former Alaska governor lied on the campaign trail. So as angry as he is, Schmidt is basically conceding Palin showed signs of being able to run for president.

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And you thought flying was fun before…

December 27, 2009

It’s possible the alleged hijacker jas an innocent defense for setting off an explosive device close to landing. Being on a Northwest plane he may have just been trying to wake up the pilots.

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The Nigerian man who allegedly tried and failed to set off an explosive device on the plane was a Mechanical Engineering major. Good thing he wasn’t Chemical Engineering.

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Airports say they will step up security after a man tried to light an explosive on a Northwest plane flying into Detroit. Let’s hope that just doesn’t mean more secondary screening of 65 year old women. Or as my friend Rich Lieberman says “85 year old nuns.”

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On international flights no one will be able to leave their seat within an hour of landing. This means on flights say from Cancun to Dallas or Cabo San Lucas to Los Angeles passengers may never be able to leave their seats. Great, just what you want after a Mexican vacation.

Next upgrade on flights from Mexico – plastic seat covers.

Or as my friend Kevin T. says “Depends.”

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Florida coach Urban Meyer is retiring for health reasons. He says his heart is fine but the stress is causing him problems. Particularly the stress of imagining coaching after Tim Tebow has graduated.

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Bill Littlejohn, on Golf Digest suspending Woods’ monthly columns: “In the meantime, Penthouse Forum wants to print them.”

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America’s team?

October 24, 2009

If anyone doubts who the national media expects and wants in the World Series, check out this headline from SI.com -“An Angels win in Game 6 would likely limit CC Sabathia to two World Series starts.”

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So the Obama adminstration wants to limit salaries when corporations take government money. Since their new stadium used some public funds, we may have just found a way to rein in the Yankees.

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A woman gave birth on a flight over Malaysia. The airline, Air Asia, will give her and her son free flights for life. In the U.S. they would have charged her for an extra carry-on.

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The first explanation from the Northwest pilots who missed Minneapolis was that they were engaged in a “heated discussion” about airline policy. If so, what policy? The one that tells them to ask for directions? Or read a map? Or has the airline started charging pilots for their onboard happy hour?

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Stand by for more excuses for the pilots. Maybe they would have been better off saying they were distracted by a little boy flying past in a balloon.

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Some people cannot believe the two male pilots could be completely oblivious to all communications for an hour and 20 minutes. These people have clearly not observed enough men watching the second half of a close football game.

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And as mentioned yesterday, the indecision on landing in Minneapolis does suggest Brett Favre might have been involved. Since the plane overshot the airport by 150 miles, however, Bill Littlejohn suggests that the NFL player in the cockpit might have been JaMarcus Russell.

But had it been Russell, the FAA would have had no problem intercepting them.

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Mayumi Heene, the wife of “balloon boy” dad Richard Heene, now says the whole incident was a hoax. Her husband still maintains that he has been telling the truth. I don’t know about a reality show, but maybe they could compete with Jon and Kate on a new version of “Family Feud.”

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The Washington Redskins have announced Jim Zorn will remain their coach through the end of the season. Translation, they can’t find anyone else to take the job.

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Representative Alan Grayson of Florida recently referred to former Vice President Cheney as a “vampire.” The comment has earned Grayson a fair amount of criticism, but perhaps none angrier than from the Vampire Anti-Defamation League.

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A few weak jokes for a weak douchebag:

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So Steve Phillips, suspended from his job at ESPN because of a sex scandal with a 22 year old assistant, had to take a leave from his previous job with the Mets because of a sex scandal and a confession of “multiple affairs” there too.

Maybe he thought ESPN stood for Extramartial Sex Preferred Nightly?

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No word yet on if Steve will confess to multiple affairs at the network too. Though perhaps among the women who work in Bristol. a possible new topic of water cooler conversation is “Ever Seen Phillips Naked?

Yo, Steve, it’s PLAYS of the week. Not Player of the Week.

Kind of ironic though, ESPN is the network that at first refused to report on the rape allegations against Ben Roethlisberger.
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First Letterman with his production assistants, now Phillips with his production assistant. Wonder how many networks received a call today about potentially hosting a show from Bill Clinton?

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If shoes were sold like airline tickets.

April 27, 2009

I’m not sure if this is funny, although I worry more that it’s not that farfetched.

 

Customer:  “I’d like to buy a pair of the “Supercool Superfast” running shoes you have advertised for $39.99, size 8 medium.”

Clerk: “Certainly ma’am, that will be $159.99.”

Customer: “Wait a minute,the advertised price said $39.99.”

Clerk:  “Yes, but that’s per shoe.”

Customer:  “That’s still only about half of what you are charging me.”

Clerk:  “Yes, but that doesn’t include the fuel costs involved to get the shoes to our store. And of course sales tax, a fee to cover our store security, and  local taxes from China where the shoes were made.  Plus there’s a couple others, I don’t remember them exactly.”

Customer: “That doesn’t really seem right.”

Clerk: “And that final price does include a surcharge for mypersonal assistance. We do have to charge a little more when you don’t order online.”

Customer: “So I could have gotten a better price without actually coming to the store?”

Clerk: “Yes, if you could have figured out our website, I have been told it’s a little confusing. And then there would have been a restocking fee if you didn’t like the shoes.”

Customer: “So there really were no shoes available at the advertised price?”

Clerk: “No, the ad is correct. But actually, it’s all explained in the fine print. You know the price would have been cheaper if you came in Tuesday or Wednesday night. And the least expensive price is only available for size 5 narrow. Most sizes are more. Just be glad you don’t need one of our premium sizes.”

Customer: “Well, I need the shoes, and they are supposed to be great. So fine, I’ll take them.”

Clerk:  “Great, and would you like laces for an additional $20?”

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More celebrity airline fares?

March 8, 2009

Continuing the follow-up to JetBlue “Manny Fan fares” (which are for real!)

Timothy Geithner fares- taxes optional.

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Alex Rodriguez fares – first class fares, generally worth the price until October.

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NHL fares – marketed in the U.S. and Canada, but somehow hard to sell in the States.

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Tiger Woods fares – only one potentially sold per flight. And then everyone else on the plane feels second-class.

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Hillary Clinton fares – round-the-world fares, spouses not allowed.

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Bill Clinton fares – sold in conjunction with Hillary Clinton fares. When your spouse buys a round-the-world ticket, you get a discounted ticket to a spring break hotspot.

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Nayda Shulman fares – groups only. Six is not enough.

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Detroit Lions fan fares – borrowing off the Southwest “Wanna get away” concept – valid football season only to anywhere NFL games are not shown live.
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Terrell Owens fares – marketed to big city big name destinations, but somehow you can only end up going to Buffalo.

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Joe Biden fares – a nice discount, but you have to listen first to a recording of a few rules and conditions…shouldn’t take more than an hour on the phone.

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Bobby Jindal fares -highly hyped but never got off the ground.

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Jason Mesnick – aka “the Bachelor” fares – one free change allowed.

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AIG fares – not that cheap to begin with, and then they keep asking you for more and more money to keep the airline aloft.

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NCAA tournament fares – announced the first week in March to 64 destinations, but there are always cities that feel unfairly left out.

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Newt Gringrich fares – the anti-bereavement fares – instead of flying to visit sick relatives, you flee away from them.

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Manny and A-Rod: Baseball’s Comedy stimulus package?

March 7, 2009

Whatever you think of Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez, they are a boon to struggling would-be joke writers still reeling from the departure of President Bush.

JetBlue has announced new “Manny Fan Fares” from Los Angeles to New York and Boston. The fare’s only $99 each way. But there’s a mandatory surcharge for excess baggage.

United Airlines, based in Chicago, is thinking of offering Cubs fan fares. The fares, of course, will be no good in October.
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The season hasn’t even started yet, and in New York, where their sky-high payroll has the team paying a luxury tax, they’re going to call A-Rod’s portion of it an “excess baggage fee.”

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Some pundits are already blaming Barack Obama for the economy, although he has barely been in office 40 days. Even Raiders owner Al Davis is saying “Show a little patience!”

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50-year-old Mark Martin is now the second-oldest pole winner in NASCAR history, after winning the top spot at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

So will the race be started – “Gentlemen start your engines, and you punks get out of his lane?

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Do airlines even read their own rules before they post them?

March 3, 2009

Okay, usually this blog is geared towards political and sports jokes. But sometimes the airlines just make it too easy.

And we all know that a lot of airline fare rules don’t make sense.

But some of them don’t make sense more than others.

While American Airlines is far from the only culprit, witness their current rules display for a one-way fare from San Jose, California to Orange County, California:

CANCELLATIONS

TICKET IS NON-REFUNDABLE

NOTE- TICKET HAS NO VALUE UNLESS PASSENGER CANCELS TICKETED FLIGHT RESERVATIONS PRIOR TO TICKETED DEPARTURE TIME.

CHANGES

CHARGE USD 150.00 FOR REISSUE.

Then there is a bunch of airline-speak about the ticket having value towards a future ticket for up to a year, although the change fee still applies. And that changes to a higher fare mean the fare difference plus the change fee.

All fine, except, the fare is $99 one way.

So let’s see, if you remember to cancel or change the ticket if you aren’t taking the flight, you can pay a $150.00 penalty plus the fare difference on a $99 ticket. But if you no-show the flight you lose the whole $99.

Glad they let us know.

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