Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category
August 25, 2012
Upon the death of Neil Armstrong, the U.K Guardian referred to the Apollo 11 moon landing as “the moment of greatness” that “defined the American century.” And looking forward? Well, Snooki is in labor.
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Armstrong’s death also reminds me of the quote attributed to Casey Stengel, about the truly awful 1962 New York Mets….that “man would walk on the moon before the Mets would win the pennant.
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The headlines say that Tom Cruise got off cheaply in only paying Katie Holmes 400,000 a month child support. Thinking Katie feels she got off cheap in only having to stay married to him five years.
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Joe Biden has cancelled his campaign visits to Florida due to the imminent arrival of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. Insert “more than enough blowing hot air”” joke here:
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An RV bearing the slogan “Who’s Your Daddy” is functioning as a mobile clinic doing DNA paternity tests in New York City. Wonder how long until they get a sponsorship deal with the NBA?
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At this point the extended NFL exhibition season has taken out more players than the Saints’ bounties.
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Roger Clemens, 50, tossed 3 1/3 scoreless innings for the Sugar Land Skeeters tonight, adding fuel to the rumors that he will pitch at some point this season for the Houston Astros. Although actually what Roger probably really wants is to pitch AGAINST the Astros.
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With their trade with the Red Sox, the Dodgers have added another $261 million in payroll. Any truth to the rumor that Los Angeles’s 2013 uniforms will feature pinstripes?
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The Boston Red Sox are thrilled to have gotten rid of Josh Beckett. Republicans trying to figure out the process to put Todd Akin on waivers.
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Betty White said in an interview with People that her favorite foods are “hot dogs and Red Vines and potato chips and French fries. Maybe there’s something about those preservatives.
From Marc Ragovin: Jennifer Garner recently referred to husband Ben Affleck as “walking testosterone.” In a related development, Affleck has announced that he is quitting acting to become the San Francisco Giants’ new left fielder. . . .
And an actual serious link below, though it might seem like a joke. An op-ed from Charlie Crist, the former Republican governor of Florida. Guess there’s not any chance he’ll be a surprise speaker at the GOP convention.
http://www.tampabay.com/opinion/columns/obama-is-right-leader-for-our-times/1247631
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Janice Hough, Neil Armstrong jokes, Red Sox jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 25, 2012
You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”
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Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.
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Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.
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The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.
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If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.
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My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”
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Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’ rotation.
Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”
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Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
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Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
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Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
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Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, GOP convention jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
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August 24, 2012
Rush Limbaugh is now accusing President Obama of creating hurricane warnings to disrupt the GOP convention in Tampa next week. Of course, if the warnings were for Charlotte before the Dem. convention Rush would say Obama was creating them as a distraction from his record.
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Tropical storm and potential hurricane Isaac may actually wreak havoc on Tampa and thus the GOP convention. Republicans say, however, that the show will go on. In fact, they’re thinking of offering Todd Akin a special speaking slot – somewhere outdoors.
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Now Ann Coulter is calling Todd Akin a “stupid swine.” Give the guy credit, he’s the first Republican both Coulter and Palin say has gone too far.
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While we get over Prince Harry’s “scandalous” behavior, a Valedictorian of a small Oklahoma school is being denied her diploma because she said the word “Hell” in her speech, and won’t apologize to the school board. Sigh. Well this was a country founded by Puritans.
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The USADA said they will strip all seven of Lance Armstrong’s Tour de France titles after he dropped his fight against drug charges. Uh, can they actually name ANY potentially clean winner those years? It’s enough to make you long for the purity of pro wrestling.
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Yikes. Three Tampa Bay Rays’ minor-leaguers have been suspended 50 games for methamphetamine. Wonder if they were just using, or trying to supplement their single-A salaries?
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A Utah school board overrode a student vote choosing the “Cougars” as their new high school mascot because they said it would be insensitive to women. Really? Waiting for someone to say the board’s choice, “Chargers,” is insensitive to people who overuse their credit cards.
(Curiously enough, the BYU mascot is Cosmo the Cougar. Uh, isn’t that doubly insensitive. Not just the reference to older women dating younger men, but also the name of a slutty magazine…. (in Utah anyway.)
Gold medal gymnast Gabby Douglas threw out the first pitch at the Thursday’s NY Mets game. Her throw was close to a strike, prompting many fans to wish the team would sign her to a contract.
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Prince Harry is back home in London after his adventures in Las Vegas. And once again, many 40 and 50 plus Americans can thank their lucky stars they came of age before the era of camera phones.
Amazing. Barry Zito with 8 scoreless innings for SF Giants against Atlanta Braves Thursday night. And getting strikeouts with pitches slower than most cars on California freeways.
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If Zito used PED’s would his pitches break glass?
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This “bus to hell” moment brought to you by T.C. from B.C. ” The LPGA is in town this week for the Canadian Open. All the local Korean restaurants are booked solid. One owner said, “It’s a real dog eat dog business.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akin jokes, GOP convention jokes, Hurricane Isaac jokes, Lance Armstrong jokes, Prince Harry jokes
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August 22, 2012
A NY tennis referee, 70, has been arrested and charged with beating her husband, 80, to death with a coffee mug. Starbucks immediately issued a statement. “Coffee mugs do not kill people. People kill people.”
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The Phillies gave out Hunter Pence bobbleheads Tuesday, even though Pence is now with the Giants. Well, as these things go, they’ll be better received than “Got Melk” shirts in S.F.
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More “stuff” you can’t make up: An anti-Obama session at the GOP convention will be titled “We Built This.” The session will be held at the Tampa Bay Times Forum arena, built in 1996 with 62% government money.
Derek Jeter laughed off suggestions that he is using PED’s at 38. Which probably means one of two things – either he’s clean. Or he’s sure he’s too smart to get caught.
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The SF Giants have “Star Wars Day” on September 3. Let’s hope that between now and then that the Force isn’t classified as a PED.
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Sarah Palin has finally semi-weighed in on Todd Akin, say she understands “that he doesn’t want to be perceived as a quitter, but you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them.” Well, no one has ever accused Palin of waiting too long to quit.
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One fan yelling “Let’s Go Dodgers” in the bottom of the 8th. Not saying where he wants them to go.
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The Mets have shut down Johan Santana for the rest of the season. Frustrated Mets fans shrugged, figuring the rest of the team shut down over a month ago.
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Bartolo Colon’s comment after his 50 game PED suspension: “I accept responsibility for my actions and I will serve my suspension as required by the Joint Drug Program.” Did Colon know his fake website wasn’t ready?
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That deafening silence you heard Wednesday morning in the SF Bay Area is coming from formerly smug A’s fans.
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The SF Giants have cancelled a September giveaway for Melky Cabrera jerseys. Understandable. But it would have been fun to see what creative uses fans could have found for them.
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Other than the Ryan Braun case, MLB supposedly doesn’t release the names of players who test positive if their appeals are successful. So were Colon and Cabrera the only players caught this month, or did others have better lawyers?
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Michael Baumgartner, a Senate candidate in the state of Washington, sent a reporter an email ending “Go F*** Yourself.” Leave the profanity out if it, putting that in writing makes him too stupid to be elected.
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Regarding those naked pictures of Prince Harry in a Las Vegas hotel room: I think we can all be happy that those publicized cell phone conversations between Charles and Camilla didn’t happen on a camera phone.
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According to a soon to be released study, 6% of Americans have used cellphones to send a nude or semi-nude photo. And 15% have received such a sext. That Brett Favre sure is busy.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bartolo Colon jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, steroids jokes
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August 22, 2012
Someone please take away this man’s shovel, he’s dug himself deep enough: Todd Akin, still defiant, says the uproar is about misspeaking “one word in one sentence on one day.” Uh, no, sir, “legitimate” was a bad word, but your whole statement was reprehensible.
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Todd Akin has a new ad running today saying “rape has many victims.” True. Including, when talking about it like an complete idiot, political campaigns.
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Contrary to popular opinion, GOP leaders have already forgiven Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” firestorm. In fact, today he received a personal invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
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The only really happy person in the GOP this week? Maybe Kevin Yoder, that congressman who went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galillee. Akin did manage to knock his “full disclosure” right off the front page.
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Piers Morgan put an empty chair on his show last night after Todd Akin no-showed an interview. Most Republicans didn’t mind – the chair was far less embarrassing than Akin.
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Akins last-minute cancellation led Morgan to refer to him as “what we would call in Britain a gutless little twerp.” Thereby prompting millions of Americans to wish that Piers was moderating a Presidential debate.
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RNC Chair Reince Priebus said today: “This is the platform of the Republican Party; it’s not the platform of Mitt Romney.” Is that because Romney is more moderate, or because the GOP can’t figure out what Mitt’s platform is either?
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Diana Nyad’s latest attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida has ended. But her proud team said “Nobody in the world would even attempt this, but we did.” Uh, “nobody in the world?” Countless Cubans are thinking “Not exactly.”
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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are officially single again. Impressive, their divorce proceedings were faster than a Kardashian marriage.
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Mitt Romney on reports that Obama had spent more campaign money than he raised in July. “”We’re a little wiser in our spending than the other side, apparently.” Uh, well with the Super PACS that’s like saying you’re keeping to a budget when you’re living off your parents’ money.
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Former MLB player Jeff Kent is appearing on the next Survivor. Wonder if one of the challenges will involve washing a truck?
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An interesting sidelight on this Melky Cabrera story: Supposedly, positive tests are not announced unless a player’s appeals fail and he is actually suspended. So are there other players who might have come up with say, better fake websites?
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In fact…. Ah Bud, always ahead of the curve: MLB commssioner Bud Selig has banned Melky Cabrera’s associate Juan Nunez from all clubhouses. As if players were lining up to have him design another easily caught fake website.
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Tuesday was the 53rd anniversary of the day Hawaii became a state. As my funny friend Abbe Nelson says “part of a fiendishly clever plot by Kenyan socialists to take over the US 50 years later.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: "legiitmate rape" jokes, Akin jokes, Janice Hough, Mely Cabrera jokes, Piers morgan jokes, Todd Akin jokes, Tom Cruise jokes
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August 21, 2012
For the second year in a row, Wisconsin will start a QB who graduated from his previous school, but had eligibility left so transferred for grad school to keep playing. Wonder if the Badgers tried to recruit Andrew Luck too?
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Of course, all these graduate transfers of older players are certainly, per NCAA rules, for academic reasons. Right. And for readers who believe that, Melky Cabrera has a website he’d like to show you.
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Here’s what I don’t get. Todd Akins said he “misspoke.” “Misspeaking” to my mind is Obama saying he campaigned in all 57 states, or Romney introducing Ryan as the next President of the United States. Saying something you believe is only a mistake when it blows up in your face.
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When Todd Akins said he “understood from doctors” that pregnancy from “legitimate rape” was rare, is it just possible he took that “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night” commercial a little too literally?”
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Anyone else beginning to wonder if Todd Akins was “shut down” by more than a few women he wanted to date?
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You can’t make this “stuff” up post of the day. Todd Akin, he of the women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape” quote, sits on the House Science Committee.
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All these investors bemoaning buying Facebook stock. It could be worse. They could have invested in a business selling SF Giants “Got Melk” shirts.
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Todd Akin is vowing to stay in the Missouri Senate race. And privately a lot of people are hoping he does. Those people are called “Democrats.”
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Marketing fail of the day: A snail mail letter addressed to me personally from the Mitt Romney campaign – “I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.”
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The Boston Red Sox, 11th in the AL in ERA, have fired pitching coach, Bob McClure. Maybe they need to bring back the beer and fried chicken.
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Scott McKenzie, who sang the 1960s anthem “San Francisco”, has died at the age of 73. Funeral attendees will no doubt be asked to “Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair.”
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The Western Athletic Conference apparently will drop football after the upcoming 2012 season. This is shocking – there are still football-playing schools left in the WAC?
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Philadelphia WR DeSean Jackson told ESPN that he didn’t give a full effort in 2011 because he didn’t want to get injured before signing a new contract. Well, that should make all those people who paid full price for Eagles tickets last year feel warm and special.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akins jokes, college football jokes, Melky Cabrera jokes, NFL jokes, Todd Akins jokes k
Comments: 5 Comments
August 20, 2012
It just gets stranger. Now a story has emerged that Melky Cabrera hoped to use a fake website and a product that didn’t excuse, to claim that he had ordered a tainted supplement by mistake. And thus he would not be suspended…. But, apparently the scheme was as poorly executed as his use of the testosterone.
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A thought on Melky’s website idea to beat the PED charges? Wouldn’t it have been easier to say he found the supplements when he was pushed into that lifeboat?
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Wonder how many other major leaguers have gotten to work on their own websites.
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Ah cellphones. Hard to think that it was less than 20 years ago that if you wanted to share a long, obnoxious conservation with everyone within earshot in a public place, you actually needed to be yelling at someone right next to you.
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According to the NY Post, the Red Sox are now saying a text message sent from Adrian Gonzalez’s cellphone to ownership complaining about Bobby Valentine, was really instigated by former catcher Kelly Shoppach. Ah technology – we’ve moved from “I got the stuff from his locker.” to “he used my phone.”
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Rep. Todd Akin, running for Senate in Missouri, is against abortion in case of rape. But he “understands from doctors, that’s really rare. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Okay, even by Florida and Arizona standards, this dude is crazy.
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Shame we can’t put Akin in a locked room with some of the men who have said “if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”?
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The more I think about this Todd Akin rape-pregnancy comment, the more I’m surprised. Not that he’s a Neanderthal. But that as a candidate for the U.S. Senate he hasn’t learned to keep his more extreme beliefs quiet until after the election.
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The Houston Astros, with MLB’s worst record at 39-82, fired manager Brad Mills and two coaches last night. Could have been worse, they could have made Mills stay for the whole year.
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As the ads ramp up for the 2 months of the campaign, voters especially in swing states may to want remember this quote about Citizen United: “the most misguided, naive, uninformed, egregious decision of the United States Supreme Court I think in the 21st century.” From that noted liberal John McCain.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cabrera jokes, election jokes, Melky Cabrera jokes, steroids jokes, Todd Akin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 19, 2012
Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.
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Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.
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IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.
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Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.
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A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark, after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.
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From Marc Ragovin: Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages. Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.
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The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)
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Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?
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A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”
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18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.
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Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out, radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”
ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings. Especially with the all important younger male demographic.
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Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions. Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.
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Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, IKEA jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 17, 2012
UNC has admitted that an internal probe found that over 54 classes, which were compused of more of half athletes, were either ” aberrant” or “irregularly” taught from 2007-2011. Wonder if the Tarheels’ defense will be that they were hoping to apply for membership in the SEC.
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Dismissed LSU star Tryann Mathieu is now apparently in rehab. Well, if this football stuff doesn’t work out he has a potential real future in politics.
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This season, the NFL will require any fans who get ejected for bad behavior to take a 4-hour online course before they are allowed back into the stadiums again. 4 hours? Sounds like about as much time as many NFL players spent on their courses in college.
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Rudy Guiliani said that Joe Biden “has become a laugh line on late night television.” Interesting quote from a guy who is no longer relevant enough to be a “laugh line” on late night television.
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Here’s more of the quote from Rudy: ““But I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. … There’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it. I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. People think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually, he’s just not very smart.”
Amazing, might be the longest statement Rudy’s ever made without mentioning 9/11.
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Apparently customs in Los Angeles seized a $18 million (!!) shipment of fake Louboutins from China. Just figured I’d post something that most of my men friends are as clueless about as SOME women say they are about the sports posts.
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Donald Trump, asked about Obama’s popularity with women said “Maybe (they) don’t know him. Maybe they don’t get what is going on.” Uh, really? On the other hand most women DO know that the Donald is an egotistical a**hole.
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A giant sculpture known as “Touchdown Jesus” near Cincinnati that burned to the ground in 2010 is being replaced by a new “Hug Me, Jesus.”. The new figure has arms outstretched rather than raised high. Guess they figured touchdowns in Bengals country were unrealistic.
Laura Townsend said the old one looked like it was surrendering… so maybe it referred to the Bengals and local police?
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Mitt Romney says he paid “at least 13% in taxes” for the last 10 years. And why should Americans doubt anything a politician says?
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Jennifer Granholm, forbidden ffrom ever running for President due to her being born in Vancouver, with one of the more succinct statements on Mitt Romney and his taxes: “I hate to get all Jerry Maguire on him but show me the money!”
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From my friend Gary Bachman: Alex Rodriguez has listed his Miami home for $38 million. The home boasts nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 426 mirrors.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, LSU jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 16, 2012
An upcoming NY Magazine article apparently features this quote from Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” Sounds like a couple who really deserves each other.
Vanessa Bryant also apparently has had some work done,but she denies it was because of Kobe. Might be true, Vanessa could be hoping to trade up to more (and more frequent) rings..
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Arizona, bidding to take the “crazy” lead from Florida, with an assist from Ohio:. State Sen. Lori Klein invited Ohio congressional candidate Samuel Wurzelbacher (“Joe the Plumber”) to speak at her fundraiser. Where he said the government should “put a damn fence on the border going with Mexico and start shooting.
This year’s deficit, over $1.3 trillion. Mitt Romney says he will cut the $444 million a year the government spends on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which includes local stations and PBS. So I guess now “C is for Cookie Crumbs.”
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“To circumvent (baseball’s PED) test is like taking candy from a baby. It’s easy to circumvent. I call it the ‘duck-and-dodge’ system. The only people that get caught are the dumb, and the dumber.” Victor Conte, quoted in USA Today.
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Was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh today, they introduce LA Dodgers lineup and no one even boos. What is with these people?
(and no, Todd Harris, it is NOT because the Dodgers are beloved.)
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Sometimes a headline says all you need to know, like this one from Sfgate.com: “Girl who appeared on NBC’s Today after a ruckus over a flirty yearbook photo behaves badly at mother-daughter kegger.”
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Over 100 FedEx workers were treated for exposure after a forklift accidentally punctured a barrel of concentrated chili peppers used to make pepper spray. Yikes. Let’s hope TSA doesn’t start categorizing Tabasco as a prohibited substance.
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From T.C. in B.C. – Canada achieved just 1 gold medal this Olympics. Good news is there’s a Ontario Great Lakes Org attempting to get “Polluted Beach Volleyball” added to the 2016 events.
I don’t know, T.C. what about Beach Curling?
and a short op-ed from my friend Todd Harris, who is right about many things if not his baseball team.
“So the Dow is steadily over 13,000 for the first time in about four years. The housing market (at least in California) is rebounding. Unemployment is inching down. We have a system in place for health care for everyone. The auto industry has been restored and banks (deservedly or not) have been saved. The wars that were burning us four years ago are ramping down. And we have a smart, caring, relatable, and steady guy at the helm who respects the rights of everyone, particularly women and minorities. Oh, and he’s for renewable energy and affordable education for all. And we should trade this out because?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Kobe Bryant jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, steroids jokes, Vanessa Bryant jokes
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August 16, 2012
Or at least for the San Francisco Giants, no crying over spilled Melk.
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Well, on the brighter side at least the SF Giants hadn’t signed a multi-year deal with Melky Cabrera…
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A thought about the Melky Cabrera suspension. What’s more shocking, that he got caught, or that he admitted it: “My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used.” (What, no “tainted” supplement or “I got it from a friend?”)
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Giants fans are thinking, if a iconic SF Giants player had to test positive this year for PED’s and get suspended, what a shame that it wasn’t Tim Lincecum.
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A new book said Joe Paterno sobbed after being fired from PSU, saying “My name…I have spent my whole life trying to make that name mean something. And now it’s gone.” And all it might have taken to keep that good name was one phone call to the State College police.
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Pac 12 commissioner Larry Scott doesn’t like the USA Today coaches’ poll, saying it’s 1 – a conflict of interest, and 2 – coaches are focused on their own games. (And of course the unsaid 3 – East Coast and Midwest coaches never vote for teams out West.)
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Ah border wars: A FB group has sprung up asking for “American only hours” at Costco, saying that the store “should make a special time during the day that is American members only.” Texas or Arizona? No, Bellingham, WA. Oh, those pesky Canadians.
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Wonder how long it will take for the Yankees to ask for the All-Star game results to be thrown out so they have a chance for home field advantage?
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Congrats to Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners on his perfect game. And for making the Tampa Bay Rays, at least, look like a lineup that was PED free.
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Meanwhile, back in the innocent world of college sports…. The University of Alabama self-reported 27 NCAA secondary rules violations over the past year, mostly regarding texts and phone calls. 6 were from men’s basketball, and 4 were from football. Other than that, the program was completely clean. Right.
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All this GOP outrage over Joe Biden’s “put you in chains” comment. Where were they last year? When Rick Santorum said in Iowa “They will put you in chains called ‘Obamacare,’ and you will never break away.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Janice Hough, Melky Cabrera jokes, PED jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 14, 2012
A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?
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In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.
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Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.
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Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.” Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”
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Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”
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Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.
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Okay gentle and not-gentle readers, let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?
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Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210” episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?
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No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”
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The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?
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Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.
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Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…
(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)
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Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes, Trump jokes, United Airlines jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 14, 2012
A new study says 12 states have very high (over 30% of adults) obesity rates: Alabama, Arkansas, Indiana, Kentucky, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and West Virginia. Most of them red states. Which either means higher healthcare costs or less people alive to collect Social Security….
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Apparently a $100 million-dollar intrusion-detection system JFK Airport failed to detect a man who WALKED onto a runway Sunday. Gosh, if there were only something that could have seen him, like a human eye, for example?
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Once again, and not for the last time, I miss Molly Ivins. And would SO love to read her column on the Romney-Ryan ticket.
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Dolphins coach Joe Philbin said that Chad Johnson wasn’t released because of any single incident. Really? Then why release him the day after his arrest? (Maybe Philbin’s auditioning for a career in politics.)
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Isn’t education grand? Seminoles star Greg Reid, who was dismissed from FSU after multiple offenses, the last a traffic and marijuana arrest in Valdosta, Georgia, has announced he is transferring….to Valdosta State.
(You would think there were one or two small colleges in the South where the cops don’t know him by name.)
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R.I.P Helen Gurley Brown, 90, who once said “good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” Well, I guess now she’ll find out.
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Out of habit this week wonder if NBC will air the Nightly News tape-delayed at midnight?
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And you think you have travel problems… Two first class passengers delayed a Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne because the airline didn’t have XL pyjamas available for them. (They refused business class PJs and decided to get off the plane.)
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All passengers were safely evacuated after a United Airlines plane caught fire before taking off from Seattle last night. Stand by for United tickets adding a $5 fire extinguisher fee.
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Bristol Palin on Paul Ryan “Pray for his family. Pray that he can meet the challenges of the campaign trail without being burned by the spotlight.” Nothing against Ryan personally, and sounds like he has a nice family, but hey, what about the challenges being a potential President?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, football jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 12, 2012
The Olympic flame has been extinguished in London. Just about in time for many Americans to have gotten through their first week of Tevo’ed tape-delayed NBC coverage.
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What a country. The Olympics closing ceremony was tonight in London, Mitt Romney spent his first weekend touring with his running mate Paul Ryan, an earthquake in Iran killed hundreds… and the most popular story on CNN.com? Jennifer Aniston is engaged.
Mitt Romney is already trying to distance himself from some of Paul Ryan’s proposals and statements. Which is going to be rough, Mitt is already working hard enough to distance himself from some of his own proposals and statements.
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Since NBC has decided the best “prime time” is between 1130p and midnight, maybe they could move their fall coverage of Notre Dame football until then?
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The man formerly known as Ochocinco, Chad Johnson, was arrested for domestic violence after an alleged argument with his wife when she found the receipt for a box of condoms. Shocking! An NFL player uses condoms?
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If Paul Ryan really believes the way to fix Medicare is turning it into a program where seniors receive payments to buy their own health insurance, why doesn’t he advocate trying out his fix on a small, reasonably educated test group – like say, Congress?
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You cannot make this stuff up. Romney aide Beth Myers, who ran the V.P. search, now is talking about the closely-guarded process. Since April, the campaign was compiling research documents on each potential candidate, including “several years” of tax returns.
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Okay, here we go…. Lesson one on Paul Ryan, the man who wants to privatize Medicare and Social Security. He was only 16 when his dad died, but Ryan was able to pay for college at Miami of Ohio, using Social Security survivors’ benefits
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Can anyone imagine what Jamaica sprinters would be like without the country’s number one non-performance enhancing drug?
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And as the Olympics ended, didn’t watching Team USA in men’s basketball make you feel all warm and fuzzy and patriotic? Yeah, me neither.
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So Obama’s mandate that employers offer birth control is “immoral”, and Catholic bishops said earlier this year that Ryan’s budget “fails to meet moral criteria.” This election may pose the toughest decision in memory for the church hierarchy, well not involving priests.
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“Honey Badger” Tryann Mathieu is weighing options of FCS teams (where he can play after being kicked out of LSU.) Apparently Mathieu ruled out Southern because he wants to leave Baton Rouge. Makes sense, the cops all know him now.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, Paul Ryan jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 11, 2012
Well, I heard they were doing a remake of the Munsters.
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This post written at 300a Eastern time on Saturday. But hey, at this point Romney’s choosing Paul Ryan as a running mate Saturday will be as much of a surprise as NBC’s tape-delayed Olympic coverage.
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So SF Giants come back from 5-2 road trip to get shut out. The first five by a pitcher with an ERA over 6? Uh, I know United Airlines breaks guitars, do they also break bats?
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Foxnews.com headline: “Sudden gasoline price spikes have experts scrambling for explanation.” I guess California is so blue that the network no longer covers the state, even refinery fires?
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Fareed Zakaria has been suspended by both Time Magazine and CNN for allegedly plagiarizing a New Yorker column by Jill Lepore on gun control. Presumably not just for the copying, but for being stupid enough to think no one still reads the New Yorker.
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The top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly “dozens” of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military.
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Hope all of the people enjoying watching the U.S. women pile up the medals in London also support Title IX.
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Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World?
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Man U had a disappointing debut today on the New York Stock Exchange. Of course, part of that problem might be that a lot of Americans are thinking “Whats Man U?
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LSU’s star DB Tryann Mathieu was kicked off the team for an unspecified athletic department violation. Sounds like when it came to the rules, that Honey Badger should have cared.
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Good one from my friend Jim Barach. “UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA.
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Question of the afternoon, which school will “Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu transfer to for “academic reasons?
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Due to NCAA investigations of allegations that he had a falsified high school transcript, Auburn freshman RB Jovon Robinson is being held out of practice. Robinson hopes to return this year in time to play and become academically ineligible for 2013.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, Olympics jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Romney running mate jokes, Tryann Mathieu
Comments: 6 Comments
August 10, 2012
Wonder how many men were basically ignoring the Olympics as background noise on the television tonight until they heard the name “Destinee Hooker?”
(My friend Rich invites everyone also to Google the winner of the men’s trampoline… Would love to see the headlines if he and Destinee were ever to meet.)
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After their gold medal win today, the U.S. women’s soccer team put on Nike shirts saying “Greatness has been found.” And most of the rest of the world’s athletes said “We didn’t know it had been lost.”
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Gold medalist Aly Raisman, 18, sent, then quickly deleted a tweet about going clubbing in London. She changed it to say she was going to bed early, although 380,000 followers still got the original. Nice to see it’s not just grownups who mess up with technology.
As impressive as platform diving is, am I the only one who has a hard time really getting into a sport where the number one sign of excellence is minimal splash?
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Dwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history.
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Kobe Bryant was asked if he can learn anything form the younger players on the USA team. “No,” he replied. ”I don’t know if I know it all, but I know more than they do.” Guess Kobe feels as at home as if he were playing for the Lakers.
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The 200m men’s race was the premier event Wednesday night for NBC, even though most all viewers will already know the result. Well, I guess it works for repeat showings of “Titanic.”
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The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress’s agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit – Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws.
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Highly Kentucky men’s basketball recruit Nerlens Noel has finally been declared academically eligible. Great, so he can show up in the fall and play his freshman season, before dropping out 2nd semester to declare for the NBA draft.
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Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia’s Ekimov. “Wow, fast investigative work,” said administrators at Penn State.
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Ann Romney had tweeted Thursday that “in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person.” Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a “few” hours is like a “few” million, different for the Romneys than for most people.
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Lots of variations on this line, but Marc Ragovin put it very succinctly – ” Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet?”
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From my friend Abbe Nelson: “NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn…making it very clear that men are not from Mars.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Destinee Hooker jokes, Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, Romney jokes
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August 9, 2012
Yet another tape-delayed night at the Olympics about to begin. But with all the online and other spoilers there’s more drama in watching eliminations in American Idol and DWTS.
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A thought about beach volleyball. Bikinis in London seem as incongruous as ads for dentists.
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Much discussion lately about if the Founding Fathers ever imagined what would happen with the 2nd Amendment. On lighter note pretty darn sure the ancient Greeks never imagined Olympic beach volleyball.
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Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What’s next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour.
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At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he’d been caught, saying he wasn’t “made to deceive people”, and “couldn’t take it anymore.” Hmm, what Alex’s next move, running for office?
Randy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was “naked, combative,” and threatened police officers. “Drunk, naked, nasty and busted…” Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he’s got some great starter lyrics for his next song.
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Bobby Valentine just said he thinks his Red Sox are a playoff team. And Josh Beckett is thinking, “Hey bro, how much of my beer are have you been drinking?”
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On the pre-game show for their nationally-televised game of the week, ESPN seriously dissed most of the SF Giants lineup. Can they do this every night, please?
(for anyone who didn’t see, Giants 15-Cardinals 0)
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Personally I don’t care if Ann Romney has a whole stable of purebreds. But can only imagine if instead of Ann, it was Malia Obama who had a expensive horse and was entering dressage competitions.
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So the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including, surprise, Mitt Romney.
(So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself?)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: beach volleyball jokes, Janice Hough, London jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 8, 2012
Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.
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Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”
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Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.
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Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?
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First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.
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This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.
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The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.
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Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.
(Nice add from Peter Crapo, “Only if he was running alone.”
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If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.
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Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention. Delegates are content with the decision. Comedy writers, on the other hand….
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On the other side of the aisle, Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats. And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,” Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.
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T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever. BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”
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In the “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada in women’s soccer?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Olympics jokes, Penn State jokes, Ralfalca jokes
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August 7, 2012
Nick Delpopolo, who competed for the U.S, but didn’t medal in judo, has been expelled from the Olympics for marijiuana. He blames it on “inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realize had been baked with marijuana.” Brownies without the bitter taste of pot? A lot of people want that recipe.
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NBC trying to get us to embrace the pain of their Olympic coverage – retitling the broadcasts “Fifty Shades of Delay.”
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Algerian runner Taoufik Makhloufi was reinstated for Tuesday’s 1500m final, after being thrown out of the Olympics for not trying in Monday’s 800m heat. Wonder what Algeria used as evidence – Makhloufi’s favorite Chicago Cubs cap?
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Terrell Owens has signed a deal with the Seattle Seahawks. Maybe this is finally God’s payback for Pete Carroll getting off scot-free when he left USC.
(as Alex Schubert commented – “nothing says Nfl ready like being cut from an arena football team.) –
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In Weymouth, England, firefighters were able to save a man after he caught his apartment on fire trying to dry his wet socks and underwear in a microwave oven. The response from most women: “Serious Darwin candidate.” The response from most men: “You mean you shouldn’t do that?”
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Penn State trustees are appealing sanctions, saying the NCAA did not give them “due process when it did not follow its usual investigation and enforcement procedures.” Uh, what about the investigation and enforcement procedures for all the boys raped by Sandusky?
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There’s bi-partisan support in Washington for a bill to make Olympic winnings tax-exempt. But okay, maybe this sounds like a nice idea, but does, for example the men’s basketball team really need the tax break? Or Mitt Romney’s dressage horse?
(Actually with all the NBA stars on the team, the tax break men’s basketball may really need is on child support.)
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Brazil’s Fabiana Murer, the defending world champion in pole vault, blamed the wind for not attempting her final jump. In Beijing, she blamed her exit on organizers giving her the wrong pole, (which they did, but said she should have checked her equipment.) With that much whining Murer may be named an honorary American.
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Shannon Eastin will this week become the first woman to be part of an NFL officiating crew. She will work the preseason game between the Green Bay Packers and San Diego Chargers. Good thing Brett Favre has retired, could be distracting for her to referee the game AND ignore his texts.
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More trenchant than funny. But “white supremacists” do their best to make the phrase an oxymoron.
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Michele Bachmann didn’t intend for anyone to shoot up a Sikh temple when she went after Huma Abedin and her alleged ties to the Muslim brotherhood. But if we’re going to defend both the first AND second amendments in the U.S., then maybe politicians should think before they further inflame the crazies.
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes, Janice Hough, NBC jokes, NFL jokes, Olympics jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 5, 2012
Just back from a couple weeks in Europe. Which means trading watching live Olympics in languages I don’t understand where they show the winners, to “cut and paste” late night USA highlights. Remind me to do this again in four years.
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Michael Phelps says he’s not going near the water again. Does that include water pipes?
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New Texas GOP Senate nominee Ted Cruz, said of his desire to cut the deficit, that he’d “be happy to compromise and work with anybody, Republicans, Democrats, libertarians, I’ll work with Martians.” Actually, given the polarization in D.C. these days, Martians might be his best bet.
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Lindsey Graham just called Harry Reid a liar for saying he had heard Romney had not paid taxes for 10 years. The same Lindsey Graham who after Osama was killed said, ” Why doesn’t Obama just clear the matter up? I know bin Laden is dead, but the best way to protect our decisions overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.”
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President Obama’s 51st birthday was yesterday. Assume Donald Trump sent him a card saying “Prove it.
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The Chicago Cubs, who were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers, blew multiple leads in losing today, giving up runs in four of the last five innings. Are the Cubs trying to be the official baseball team of Olympic badminton?
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The Paterno family is demanding an appeal of the NCAA Penn State sanctions. Okay, maybe this isn’t a “quit while you’re ahead” situation, but maybe it’s “keep your mouths shut and quit reminding people” for a while? But then denial may also be a river in State College.
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Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney. So where are Karl Rove and all the outraged Republicans who criticized Clint and accused him of being “bought” back in February for that Super Bowl “Halftime in America” ad.
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Which takes less time – the Men’s 100 meter dash, or the coverage NBC devotes to sports where the USA doesn’t do well?
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This is TCU’s first year in the Big 12. And Sunday coach Gary Patterson announced that starting QB Casey Pachall won’t face team discipline after admitting to police in February he had used marijuana and also failed a drug test. Looks like the Horned Frogs will fit in just fine in a major conference.
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Since WNBA and early Women’s March Madness blowout games get extremely low ratings, why does NBC think out of all the Olympics that what we most wanted to see Sunday morning was Team USA beating up on the Chinese?
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All these world records in swimming… Wow. Of course, after Ryan Lochte’s comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible.
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So regarding this “kiss-in” at Chick-Fil-A between same sex couples, including a lot of lesbians. Wonder how many conservative men showed up just “to keep an eye on what these ungodly people are doing.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, tape delayed jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 