Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
July 10, 2013
Reports are that MLB will suspend as many as 20 active players for PEDs, including Ryan Braun and A-Rod, possibly on the day after the All-Star Game. So much for ESPN trying to fill a slow sports news day.
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Just wondering, after last year and with the Biogenesis story lurking in MLB’s background has Bud Selig suggested to Jim Leyland that he NOT put Bartolo Colon in position to be the All-Star Game MVP?
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In an obituary published in the Columbus Dispatch, longtime fan Scott E. Entsminger, 55. requested “six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.” I see a new marketing opportunity for the Chicago Cubs.
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The Los Angeles Lakers had the highest luxury tax in the NBA last year – over $29 million. Really. And not even a senior discount?
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Details details… So IF Snowden decides to accept asylum in Venezuela, the flights between Moscow and Caracus go through Frankfurt, Paris, Rome, Madrid Miami, JFK or Madrid. All of which require a valid passport for transit. Oops. Add to the list of things Snowden should have thought through…. talking to a good travel agent.
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Barnes and Noble announced the resignation of their CEO today. Shocking! Barnes and Noble is still in business?
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So in the George Zimmerman circus, er, trial, now the defense planned to introduce evidence that Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system at the time of his death. Because we all know how energetic and aggressive smoking pot makes you?
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After Dwight Howard said he would sign with Houston, the Rockets GM went on Twitter and TV to talk about it. Which is apparently against rules during the July 1-10 free agent moratorium.. So the NBA fined the team $150,000. Right. And flopping is $5,000…. Ah priorities.
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-A new rock bottom? San Francisco Giants don’t need a trade. They need a 12-step program.
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TC trying to top my last week’s groaner about Morsi – that his countrymen thought “He Gypped” them:
“Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi has been overthrown by the country’s military. Of course he’s still in DeNile.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biogenesis jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Snowden jokes
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July 9, 2013
Aaron Hernandez’s likeness has been removed from the video games NCAA Football 14 and Madden NFL 25. Though he might be added to the latest versions of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat.
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Spitzer, Weiner, Sanford…. Let’s hope somewhere someone is saying “Don’t even think about it,” to John Edwards.
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George Clooney and Stacy Keiber have announced their split up. So congrats to all those who had July 8 in the pool.
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During a rehab start in Single-A, A-Rod was hit by a pitch. A reporter then asked the pitcher’s grandmother about the Yankees’ star. “I think he thinks he’s kind of a hotshot. I don’t care for his personality. He just thinks he’s better than the other boys.” Who says the elderly lose cognitive abilities.
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Whole Foods has recalled a cheese that over a bacterial infection that has sickened dozens and killed at least one person. And millions of Americans are thinking “how often is that that you literally can’t afford to have gotten sick?
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Speaking of sick. .. Hostess has announced that to extend the snack cakes shelf-life they will now freeze Twinkies before delivering them to stores. What, because otherwise they’d only last five or six decades, tops?
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Post-Wimbledon headline from the U.K Telegraph today: “The most painful wait in sport is over.” No response yet from Chopped Liver Stadium aka Wrigley Field.
Rick Perry says he will not run for a fourth term as Texas Governor Did someone just tell him women can vote?
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An Amtrak train bound from New York to Miami was stuck on the tracks near Richmond, VA for 14 hours and passengers were not allowed to leave. Some complained of balky toilets and intermittent air conditioning. Is Amtrak trying to become travel partners with Carnival Cruise Lines?
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LSU’s leading rusher Jeremy Hill was formally charged today with misdemeanor simple battery over an April bar fight. Apparently this could pose problems for the 2013 since Hill is on probation from a 2012 plea for “misdemeanor carnal knowledge of a juvenile.” The lengths some of these young men will go to prove they are NFL ready.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan apparently joined the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday. Was Ryan trying to prove he could do something stupider than trusting Mark Sanchez?
(Says Alex Schubert, “he was just excited because he knew that running involved feet.”)
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Robert Kraft on Aaron Hernandez: “If any member of the New England Patriots organization is close enough to a murder investigation to actually get arrested – whether it be for obstruction of justice or the crime itself – it is too close to an unthinkable act for that person to be part of this organization going forward.” How much do we want to see Kraft interviewed this fall by new ESPN analyst Ray Lewis?
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When Dwight Howard left for Houston, apparently Kobe Bryant stopped following him on Twitter. Seriously? Hard to imagine Kobe following anyone.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, Spitzer jokes, Twinkies jokes
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July 7, 2013
Congrats to Andy Murray. First British winner of Wimbledon since 1936. Or as Cubs fans call that – “Only Yesterday.”
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Just how much does Murray’s #Wimbledon win mean in Britain? If William & Kate’s baby was born Sunday night it might have been only the 2nd story on the news.
(my friend Rick suggests, and it might have had to been named Andy.)
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There were a lot more Los Angeles Dodgers fans at A T and T Park in San Francisco yesterday than there appeared to be Djokovic fans at Wimbledon.
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It was 86 degrees today at Wimbledon, wondering where the Mad Dogs were?
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The Green Bay Packers now say they want to retire Brett Favre’s jersey no later than the 2016 season. Or presumably sooner, so he doesn’t un-retire again.
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Now it’s Eliot Spitzer on the comeback trail, apparently running for New York City Comptroller. So if he and Anthony Weiner win assume the city goes from an “I LOVE NY” tourism campaign to “I LUST NY”?
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Also in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up” dept – one of Spitzer’s opponents is his former madam. Really. Kristin Davis. Running as a Libertarian.
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Random serious thought after yesterday’s Asiana crash. I know it’s all about the money, but wonder if U.S. airlines might actually now stop allowing elderly or frail looking travelers to purchase exit row seats.
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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton caddied for Ryan Palmer this weekend at the Greenbrier Classic. Have to figure other golfers on the PGA tour were hoping Payton would put bounties on some of those clowns yelling “Get in the Hole.”
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NY Giants LB Dan Connor was arrested today when TSA agents found a 4-inch switchblade knife in his carry-on bag. And the NFL is thinking “At least it wasn’t a gun.”
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Some good news today from A T and T Park. The SF Giants didn’t win, but they broke up Clayton Kershaw’s no-hitter in the first inning. And they batted in the right order.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andy Murray jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrests, NFL jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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July 7, 2013
Don’t get me wrong, the plane crash today at SFO was awful. Yet the number of casualties was less than on an average weekend in the Bay Area with either car accidents or gunshots.
But stand by for members of Congress using the incident as yet another excuse to spend more money and/or increase the security fee structure.
On the other hand, also have to wonder… which airline will be the first to somehow turn this crash into an excuse for more fees?
And remember, the most dangerous part of a vacation involving airlines is still the drive to the airport.
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Urban Meyer now says of Aaron Hernandez “Relating or blaming these serious charges to the University of Florida, myself or our staff is wrong and irresponsible.” Right, because NOTHING, EVER, is Urban Meyer’s fault.
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Madison Bumgarner has to be thinking he got off lucky today, since the Dodgers had to put some new guy in right field.
(if that’s too inside baseball, the new guy in right field was Yasiel Puig.)
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But on the other hand, SF Giants displayed all the numbers mastery of an SEC football team in math class. How do you bat out of order?
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So who won at Wimbledon Saturday – the one woman no one’s heard of, or the other woman no one’s heard of?
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Colin Kaepernick is catching flak from 49er fans for wearing a Dolphins cap.And he defiantly tweeted that he did it on porpoise”
Copy editor alert: NBC Headline on the Asiana crash. “Two dead, mostly females”
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Okay, so let me get this straight . With abortions, even though they are relatively safe, GOP lawmakers want all kinds of rules like mandatory ultrasounds, providers required to have hospital privileges, etc, because they are “concerned about women’s health”. But with guns, even though accidental deaths and murders are commonplace, well, the government should stay out of things.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana crash, Janice Hough
Comments: 1 Comment
July 3, 2013
As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?
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Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.
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A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.
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According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?
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As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.
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Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool
(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)
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Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”
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For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.
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Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Egypt jokes, Janice Hough, July 4th jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 1, 2013
Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.
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This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.
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This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”
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Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”
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Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.
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Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.
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Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.
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Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.
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Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?
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So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.
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Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?
Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -”
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The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.
Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?
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This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelorette jokes, Canada jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Snowden jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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June 30, 2013
We can tell it’s officially summer. The New York Yankees are on Sunday Night Baseball.
The New York Yankees have now lost five in a row. No joke. I just like typing that.
(And hey, okay, the SF Giants lost six in a row. But they are now on a one game winning streak. And yeah, it’s been a rough month. )
SF Giants are tied for worst in majors as having only 29 games this year where they shut out their opponent in the first inning. This stat is shocking to regular Giants fans… there have been 29 games in 2013 where SF pitchers didn’t allow a first inning run? (Today was 30. Barely, after Madison Bumgarner allowed first and third with no outs in the first.)
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Sarah Palin says that if the GOP continues to “neglect conservatives” she is open to leaving and creating a new “Freedom Party.” And many Republicans are thinking “Promise?
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So I know you can already bet in Las Vegas on the over-under for the 2014 Super Bowl score. Can you bet on the over-under for 2013 NFL arrests?
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The Baltimore Orioles’ Chris Davis is having a breakout season with 31 home runs so far. So which will be more prevalent, the discussion of him as a possible MVP, or as a possible PED user?
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Former Patriots WR Deion Branch told a reporter that Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy and a great friend of mine and a great teammate. I love him to death, and it was shocking to hear his name involved in this situation.” Of course Branch has the perspective that Hernandez never saw him talking to anyone he didn’t like.
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Four tourists and the pilot are fine when a NYC sightseeing helicopter had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson river. We know the helicopter wasn’t owned by a major U.S. airline. Otherwise they’d have charged extra for the “Sully” experience.
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Interesting suggestion from Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News – “If you are an NFL player found to be in possession of an unregistered weapon, you get suspended for eight games, twice what you get for a dope offense, just for being a dope.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
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June 29, 2013
Arrest number 37 in 2013. Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged has been arrested on gun-related charges after a traffic stop in Washington, D.C. Is it too soon to start naming an all-prison team?
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When Aaron Hernandez had some issues at Florida, Urban Meyer said that he had rehabilitated the young man with daily Bible study sessions that the then Gator coach conducted personally. Well, that ought to make moms of Ohio State players feel all warm and fuzzy.
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Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful story about that poor young man in Egypt. But now the U.S. is warning Americans to stay away after an Ohio college student died when he was stabbed by a protester. What, and they should stay here in places like Detroit, Chicago, Los Angeles and Baltimore?
Paula Deen’s cookbook publisher has now cancelled upcoming volumes. So will a silver lining in this mess be at least a small dip in U.S. heart attacks and obesity rates?
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Not “the Onion”: On July 3, The Huntsville Stars, a Milwaukee Brewers Double-A team, have “2nd Amendment Night – fun, food, and firepower.” The game will be free for all NRA members, and fans will have the chance to win one of three guns in a raffle. Maybe not a good night to start an argument in the stands or parking lot?
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Four Vanderbilt football players have been dismissed from the team and suspended from the school over an alleged sex crime in a university dorm. Who says Vandy doesn’t belong in the SEC?
–#SFGiants. At some point it is not that a string of opposing pitchers are having great outings. At some point it is that your hitting s*cks.
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Apparently the father of Edward Snowden has offered federal authorities a deal whereby his son would return voluntarily to the United States to face espionage charges. Translation, that Moscow airport transit lounge isn’t quite the dream destination Snowden had in mind when he started all this.
Dwight Howard going to meet with the Rockets. Houston, you may be about to have a problem.
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You can’t make this “stuff” up: Now that gay marriages are taking place in California, groups have filed appeals to reinstate the ban against them. One of the groups calls itself the “Alliance Defending Freedom.”
Alec Baldwin, trying to dig himself out of the latest hole he dug with one of his rants, says that when he called a reporter a “toxic little queen” it wasn’t homophobic. So Baldwin’s defense is that he is equally obnoxious to everyone?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Paula Deen jokes, Snowden jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 27, 2013
When they say the gay marriage ruling doesn’t hurt ANYONE in a straight relationship suppose this is not strictly speaking true. Think of those guys who have said “Of course I’d marry you, honey, but we have to show solidarity with our LGBT friends…”
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AMA is going to have a knitting-themed river cruise next December, featuring a man named Barry Klein, considered “one of the top 10 most influential men in the world of knitting.” Wow. There ARE 10 men in the world of knitting?
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So at Wimbledon, Nadal is out, Federer is out, and Sharapova is out. Television executives must feel like they do about major golf tournaments when Tiger misses the cut.
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Understated opening line of the week from Wikipedia “Aaron Michael Hernandez (born November 6, 1989) is an American football tight end who is currently a free agent. He most recently played for the New England Patriots.”
Matt Krook, the Miami Marlins’ 1st round pick, will instead attend the University of Oregon. Maybe Krook wants to play in front of bigger crowds?
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Now the police may charge Aaron Hernandez with more murders. Scary. While the NFL is limiting purses and backpacks after the Boston bombings, it might be that the guys on the field are more dangerous than the terrorists.
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From Marc Ragovin: ” Cleveland Browns rookie Ausar Walcott has been charged with attempted murder and has been cut by the team. I think I know where he’s gonna end up next. The Patriots’ practice squad.”
What if they had an #NBA draft and nobody cared? #Whoaretheseguys
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Former Warriors and Wizards star Gilbert Arenas was arrested in Los Angeles after officers stopped him for speeding, and allegedly found 20 boxes of illegal fireworks. And NBA officials are just relieved he didn’t shoot somebody.
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Wow. Now Rick Perry is going after Wendy Davis by saying he is glad her single mother didn’t choose an abortion: “What if her mom had said, “I just can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. At that particular point in time I think it becomes very personal.” Yes, Governor, these choices are always VERY personal. Would call him a douchebag but that is an insult to douchebags.
35 NFL players arrested so far this year . How long until NFL playbooks start including Miranda rights?
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Prosecutors may allege Aaron Hernandez killed a man who knew too much about two other men the former Patriots TE may have killed next year. Does this mean it wouldn’t have been long until he shot his alleged accomplices for knowing too much about the latest murder?
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Tweet from Chick-Fil A President on DOMA decision “Sad day for our nation; founding fathers would be ashamed of our gen. to abandon wisdom of the ages re: cornerstone of strong societies.” Right, founding fathers like Jefferson with Sally Hemmings and Franklin who had common-law wife raise his illegitimate son by another woman..
Not a bad day for #NFL, okay, so #NBAdraft got headlines, but no additional players arrested.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, NBA draft jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 26, 2013
Conservatives may be disheartened over DOMA being overturned today, and gay marriages being allowed again in California. But hey, from a business standpoint, think of all the economic stimulus from gay weddings! #Expensivechampagne
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Is the New England Patriots’ season as dead as DOMA?
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Apparently Aaron Hernandez is the 29th NFL player arrested since this year’s Super Bowl. This is clearly what comes of allowing too many heterosexuals in the league.
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The prosecution’s evidence against Hernandez allegedly includes some used bubble gum found in a car seen near the site of the murder. Gum that he may have been seen buying. So does this mean, if he chewed, then he is through?
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Cleveland rookie LB Ausar Walcott was arrested Tuesday and charged with attempted murder after he allegedly punched a man in the head last weekend. Gosh, the Browns can’t even get the major headlines on the NFL police blotter.
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Rough week for Paula Deen. Who knew it was possible to make Walmart look politically correct?
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Paula Deen in a teary television interview today complained of “horrible, horrible lies” about her. Uh, in Celebrity 101 class shouldn’t there be a session featuring Hugh Grant’s interview with Leno? Admit, say you were stupid, and move on. (Then if necessary find God and beg forgiveness.)
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Just wondering, how would Justice Clarence Thomas have ruled on “Loving v. Virginia” in 1967….
(if that’s too “inside baseball,” “Loving v. Virginia” was the ruling that struck down inter-racial marriage laws. And Thomas is married to a white woman.)
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Best comedy line of the week goes to coach Chip Kelly: “As I have I stated before, the NCAA investigation and subsequent ruling had no impact on my decision to leave Oregon for Philadelphia.”
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Former Cub Kerry Wood found a body floating in a harbor. I hear he strained his shoulder calling 911.”
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In Justice Scalia’s angry dissent today he once again railed against “homosexual sodomy.” So does he have a position on heterosexual sodomy. (Technically defined as anything but vaginal intercourse…?.)
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Texas Gov. Rick Perry just called a new special session to take up the abortion bill that was filibustered last night. What happened to that “small government” philosophy?
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You can’t make this stuff up… Gov. Perry says he is calling a special session on that abortion bill because “Texans value life.” On the same day that the state has executed its 500th inmate since they reinstated the death penalty in 1982.
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Somewhere both #MollyIvins and #AnnRichards are together looking down on #WendyDavis. And smiling.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Standwithwendy jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, DOMA jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 26, 2013
Edward Snowden is apparently living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?
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President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.
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Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID. The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach. Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?
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So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules (and perhaps altered a time-stamp) can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.
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Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?
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The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.
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So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”
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Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?! New York GM Brian Cashman.
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Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”
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Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?
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This last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.
“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war. In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called. Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.
My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.
He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record. (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)
When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”
He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.
It was a lifelong lesson.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cubs jokes, New York Yankees jokes, Republican jokes, Snowden jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 23, 2013
Facebook admitted yesterday they accidentally exposed 6 million users’ phone numbers and email addresses to unauthorized viewers over the past year. Why are we wasting taxpayer funds on the NSA etc when the private sector can invade our privacy so much more inexpensively?
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What’s more unreal to modern Monopoly players? That you can buy properties for hundreds of dollars? Or that anyone would want to buy property in Atlantic City?
Hillary Clinton, speaking in Toronto, “Let me say this, hypothetically speaking, I really do hope that we have a woman president in my lifetime.” Wonder if you can find a video of the speech at Hillary2016.com
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Derek Jeter says he is making progress with his broken ankle. Wonder if he’ll be back in time for the next Yankees’ old timers game?
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “New York Yankee great, Joe Torre’s daughter, Christine, caught a baby that fell from a fire escape in Brooklyn; good thing she wasn’t a Mets’ daughter. She would have made an error throwing the baby to first.
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Reports are that Aaron Hernandez reportedly destroyed his home surveillance system and handed his cellphone over to police “in pieces.” If the Patriots’ TE isn’t guilty of murder, he may be guilty of being one of the stupider SOB’s that ever lived.
1997 Tour de France winner Jan Ullrich finally admitted that he did blood doping during his career. At this point it would be bigger news if we found out one of the top racers WASN’T doping.
So the NBA finals were last Thursday, and the NBA draft is next Thursday. And the NFL is trying to figure out…. how do we do that? #Yearroundleague
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Colin Kaepernick threw out the first pitch at Friday night’s #SFGiants game; he was clocked at 87 mph. And Barry Zito just wept.
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Wonder if they are applying for tax exempt status? “Americans for Food and Beverage Choice?”, self-described as “a group of people just like you” is running ads against “new taxes and regulations on food and beverages”
“Just like you.”
Right. And just coincidence that “The American Beverage Association, which represents the non-alcoholic beverage industry, is leading this coalition”?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, facebook jokes, Hillary Clinton jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 22, 2013
The Food Network dropped Paula Deen after she admitted to using racial slurs in the past. That crashing sound you hear is the bottom falling out of the butter market.
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The New England Patriots are traveling to New Orleans to play the Saints this October. I can see the signs in the Superdome now “At least we didn’t kill anybody.”
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A Northern California woman who was just released from jail allegedly celebrated by drinking, and drove into parked car, a tree and then a house. With a blood alcohol level twice the legal limit. No injuries but missed a Darwin award by THAT much…
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So in return for allowing $40 million of his assets to be distributed to his victims, former Enron CEO’s Jeffrey Skilling’s sentence has been reduced from 24 to 14 years. Everyone has a price. Guess the price of our justice system has rarely been so specifically quantified.
Wonder what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s reasoning was for naming their baby “North?” Did they figure without an unusual name the poor little girl might be overlooked and not get any attention?
(or as my friend Alex Kaseberg added, “
Gov. Chris Christie is ordering all New Jersey government buildings in the sttate to fly flags at half-staff on Monday to honor James Gandolfini. Nothing bad better happen to Bruce Springsteen on Christie’s watch, the governor would shut the whole state down
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Cliff Alexander, ESPN’s #2 high school prospect, just announced 10 colleges he is considering. (Kansas, Michigan State, Kentucky, Louisville, Illinois, DePaul, Indiana, Memphis, Baylor and Arizona.) It’s a big decision, Alexander has to choose where he’s going to spend a whole six or seven months of his life.
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All these folks anointing Lebron James as one of the best ever after the Heat’s win last night. So what most helped him avoid the “over-rated” tag – the Spurs’ missed game 6 free throws, or those non-foul calls?
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The FAA is reportedly considering relaxing the ban on portable electronic devices during takeoff and landing. Of course, they can’t just consider the cockpit instruments safety issue, there’s the potential of cellphone users being justifiably assaulted by fellow passengers.
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Southwest Airlines grounded flights Friday night across the western United States due to a computer problem. Other airlines expressed sympathy and immediately added a “computer maintenance fee. “
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Starbucks is announcing a “small” increase next week in the some of their drink prices. But on a brighter note, the chain also announced that reasonable financing plans will be available.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Chris Christie jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Patriots jokes, Paula Deen jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 21, 2013
Apparently new wi-fi technology will double the speed of the existing standard. Just think, more and faster cat pictures!
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So the consensus last fall was that no one cared about the NBA because the Miami Heat were a slam dunk to win it all. So can we go back not to caring now?
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Lebron James at the post-game news conference, talking about all the Miami Heat had been through, all the “adversity…” Really? Can we say “Top-1%-of-First-World-Problems?”
(or maybe Top-1%-of-1%-of-First-World-Problems.)
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Had the San Antonio Spurs pulled an aging rabbit out of their hat, would they have been the last NBA champions mostly without tattoos?
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Another reason MLB is better than the NBA: The officiating isn’t perfect. But balls and strikes in the ninth inning bear some relationship to balls and strikes in the first inning. Unlike fouls in the fourth quarter vs. the first quarter.
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Rumor has it that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s daughter has been named North West. No pictures of the new baby yet. Maybe her parents are holding out for enough money to pay her future therapy bills?
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Who needs the NSA? I decide to go to Southwest.com briefly to check something out for a friend. It takes about 5 minutes before Yahoo mail gives me a Southwest ad.
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A 22 year old Australian man, who got in trouble last summer for wild and drunken behavior on a holiday weekend, has asked a judge for 3 months in jail instead of a two year ban on drinking and going to bars. Hmm. have we found a soul mate for Lindsay Lohan?
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Can’t imagine how some Republicans get the reputation for being anti-woman. In Illinois, the chairman of a county committee railed against former Miss America, Erika Harold, now a lawyer running in a GOP congressional primary – “Now, Miss Queen is being used like a street walker and her pimps are the DEMOCRAT PARTY and RINO REPUBLICANS.”
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Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling, serving a 24 year sentence, is asking that 10 years be taken off his sentence in exchange for giving victims the the $40 million that he had agreed to forfeit if his appeals were unsuccessful. Another potential Golden Rule application – “Have the gold, make the rules.”
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Of course we don’t really know much, though what we know doesn’t look good, but Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez – a history of drug use AND concussions. And the NFL worries about excessive celebrations
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From T.C. “Sesame Street has just introduced a new character named Alex, whose dad is in jail. No word on Alex’s last name being Ochocinco.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: cat jokes, Heat jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes
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June 19, 2013
Some Walt Disney visitors are reportedly upset that the Main Street Bakery in the Magic Kingdom will now be a Starbucks. One said “Disney is a place of dreams, not brands.” Right. Wonder if the change will have any effect at all on Disney’s stock price.
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The Men’s Wearhouse has fired founder and executive president George Zimmer. So if you own one of their suits, guess you may not like the way you look anymore, because he no longer guarantees it.
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Police reportedly searched the home of New England Patriots TE Aaron Hernandez Tuesday after the body of one of his alleged “associates” was found nearby. Very limited information so far but let this be a reminder to grumpy Patriots fans- there are worse things that can happen to a team than signing Tim Tebow.
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A disgruntled former employee of Biogenesis now says clinic founder Anthony Bosch visited A-Rod at his request during a 1 for 9 slump in the 2012 ALCS. Is there anyone involved in this case who doesn’t make you want to take a shower.
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Manny Ramirez, who was having a good season for the EDA Rhinos, is nonetheless leaving Taiwan. Reportedly some Japanese teams are interested. Maybe Manny’s going for the record of quitting on teams in the most countries?
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As we approach the NBA finals game 7 in Miami, Bill Littlejohn reminds us that game 6 featured “one of the wildest comebacks ever—Heat fans trying to come back into the arena after leaving.”
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Ann Romney made a polite appearance before the San Diego City Council to complain about the city’s permit and public noticing procedure, as it took about two years for approval of her and Mitt’s plan to bulldoze a 3,000 sq ft home to expand it to 11,000 sq ft. Two years? Palo Alto and San Francisco want to know how San Diego has their process so streamlined.
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Some things just write their own punchlines: Senator Marco Rubio has proposed an amendment to the immigration bill to make immigrants prove they are proficient in English before obtaining permanent residency….
Following a discussion with my niece have to think it could be a good way to reduce the deficit, if
(Do wonder, would Rubio make an exception, for example, for someone who could throw a 95 MPH fastball. Or hit one? )
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Tonight’s Stanley Cup score – a 6 to 5 Blackhawks win over the Bruins in OT. 11 goals in a hockey game?! Quick, start the PED rumors….
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Alaska GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski, the latest to support gay marriage: “it keeps politicians out of the most private and personal aspects of peoples’ lives – while also encouraging more families to form and more adults to make a lifetime commitment to one another.” Sounds like reasonable conservative family values to me.
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A self-described “anti-indecency” Texas Republican speaking in favor of an anti-abortion bill talked about 15 week fetuses: If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain.” Uh, if the future babies are masturbating in utero, aren’t they going to hell anyway?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Disney jokes, Disney World jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough
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June 17, 2013
The Oakland As and Seattle Mariners both had to use the Oakland Raiders’ locker room to shower after yesterday’s game with a sewage problem at the aging Coliseum created smelly pools of water in both clubhouses. Wonder how long it will take Bud Selig to appoint a “Blue Ribbon Committee” to look into the problem.
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Love it. Some folks in Starbucks chatting about the whole government surveillance thing as the cheery gal behind the counter is getting a guy to sign up for a loyalty program that will reward – and track – every single purchase.
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By a 7-2 vote, the Supreme Court today rejected an Arizona law asking voters to provide additional proof of citizenship beyond an oath for voter registration. Thomas and Alito dissented on states’ rights grounds. So where’s this “states rights” stuff when it comes to things like marijuana legalization?
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Some travelers in Arizona claim they see the image of Jesus in a smudge on the floor at Phoenix’s Sky Harbor airport. Airlines aren’t sure, but are trying to figure if they can charge a “See our Lord and Savior” fee.
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Mon dieu! In Nov, Michael Applebaum took over as interim Montreal mayor, vowing to “end an era of sleaze” when the previous mayor resigned over corruption allegations. Today Applebaum was arrested and charged with 14 criminal counts including fraud, breach of trust and conspiracy. Where do these Canadians think they are? Louisiana?
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A stone-cutter who engraved Ed Koch’s tombstone accidentally put Dec 12, 1942 instead of 1924 on the marble No word if he was fired. But on a brighter note, the engraver immediately got future job offers from most of the women in Hollywood.
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Ah, SEC football. Florida LB Antonio Morrison was arrested for allegedly punching a Gainesville, FL bar bouncer who wouldn’t waive the cover charge after he said “I am Antonio, I am a UF football player” Morrison, a 19 year old sophomore, plans to plead not guilty and told police he was intoxicated at the time.
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The FBI is digging up a field near Detroit looking again for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. I have an idea, how about we quit using all this taxpayer money and just offer a flat finder’s fee to whoever can find his bones. Let the private sector do it….
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So Clayton Kershaw says leaks about his possible $300 million contract negotiations are “distracting.” Hey, you’d think he’d welcome a distraction from the way the Dodgers are playing.
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For anyone who actually listened to #MissUtah’s answer at #MissUSA pageant will agree, in her case we really did need to create education better.
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All the talk is about Miss Utah and “creating education.” But Miss Connecticut, who won Miss USA, was asked about with the Supreme Court ruling that police could subject criminal suspects to a DNA test. And simply said “I think if somebody is being prosecuted and has committed a crime that’s that severe, they should have a DNA test.” Might have been fun to ask her what a DNA test was?
(or as my friend Michael says, “If she wanted time to study for it.”)
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The comedy gods taketh away, and the comedy gods giveth. Iran elected a “moderate cleric” to replace President Ahmadinejad. But over on Fox News, Sarah Palin is back.
Walt Disney World has started charging a $5 premium ($101 to $96) for single-day tickets for the Magic Kingdom in Florida, compared to the other three – Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios and Epcot. Some think this is because the Magic Kingdom is the best park. Although as the only one of the four without alcohol, maybe Disney figures they need to make up what they can’t make on beer sales
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Hoffa jokes, miss utah jokes, NSA jokes, Selig jokes, Starbucks jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 16, 2013
#FathersDay is always a big day for awkward family phone calls. Especially. in the NBA, where the response to a “Happy Father’s Day phone conversation often starts “So which one are you, anyway?”
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Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country. Anyone outside of South Florida tonight not rooting for the San Antonio Spurs against the Miami Heat?
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Whatever happens in game 6 and 7, guess there are children in Africa who will be enjoying their “NBA Championship Heat Sweep” t-shirts.
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No word on what Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will call their baby. Wonder if they’re auctioning off naming rights?
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Ian Kennedy says his 10 game suspension for throwing at the heads of Yasiel Puig and Zach Greinke doesn’t make sense. He’s probably right. It should have been 30.
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New Yorkers are a different breed. A woman appears to have committed suicide by jumping from the 12th floor of her ritzy Upper East Side apartment, and a neighbor, who told a reporter the woman was fully clothed including shoes added “”They look like nice dress shoes.”
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Stanford graduation speaker today New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg. So wonder if the stadium banned guests bringing in large soft drinks?
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Sarah Palin on Syria. “I say let Allah sort it out. ” But then adding “until we have a commander-in-chief who knows what they’re doing.” You’d think the one thing Palin might be an expert on quitting while she’s ahead.
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Watching all the best golfers in the world head to the wrong side of par, appears like the real winner at the U.S. Open today was the Merion course.
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In what apparently was a bad mood last night Texas A&M Aggies sophomore quarterback Johnny Manziel tweeted then deleted the following “Bulls— like tonight is a reason why I can’t wait to leave college station…whenever it may be.” Well, this ought to make Manziel real popular with the local fans if he has a sophomore slump.
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What happened to “World Peace?” Miss Utah tonight, asked in the Miss USA pageant about the fact that women are primary breadwinners in 40% of households, but still earn less than men. ““I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are continuing to try to strive to… figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem right now. “I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to see how to … create education better. So that we can solve this problem. Thank you.”
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Let me guess, Miss Utah is neither seeing herself as a future breadwinner nor someone who needs to concern herself much with education.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: fathers day jokes, Janice Hough, miss usa jokes, miss utah jokes, NBA jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 13, 2013
The L.A. Times says that the Dodgers and Diamondbacks will open the 2014 season….in Sydney. Presumably the Aussies asked that MLB send their best rugby teams?
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First the Padres, now the Diamondbacks. Is a bench-clearer with the Giants next? Los Angeles Dodgers quickly becoming the top team in Major League Basebrawl.
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Another thought on Tuesday night’s #basebrawl This might be the most coverage ever the Dodgers and Diamondbacks are getting on #ESPN.
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So since Newtown, some states (South Dakota, Alabama, Arizona and Kansas) have enacted laws allowing teachers to carry guns on school campuses. (Texas already allowed it with school approval.) Well, this ought to liven up salary contract negotiations.
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Edward Snowden says he’s going to stay put because he has “faith in Hong Kong’s rule of law.” So he’s going to fight what he perceives as a tyrannical, controlling and intrusive U.S. government from what a “special administrative region” of the People’s Republic of China.
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Arizona Congressman Trent Franks in an abortion debate yesterday “The incidence of rape resulting in pregnancy are very low.” Reminding many women again, even if the Obama administration were reading or hearing EVERYTHING you write or say, it could be worse.
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Roger Goodell, defending the Washington Redskins name. “For the team’s millions of fans and customers, who represent one of America’s most ethnically and geographically diverse fan bases, the name is a unifying force that stands for strength, courage, pride and respect.” Leaving aside the “most diverse” line, “strength, courage, pride and respect?” Has Goodell watched the team play for the last decade?
The latest tabloid turn in the Kardashian saga is a 24 year-old young woman saying she’s been sleeping with Kanye West while Kim is pregnant. Meanwhile, some in America are still crying how the worst thing that can happen to a baby is to be raised by a loving gay couple…..
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Betty White, 91, says she eats a hot dog for lunch every day, and keeps Red Vines at in her dressing room at all times. No wonder she looks so good – regular doses of preservatives.
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The first game of the Stanley Cup Finals went THREE overtimes. To put that in Chicago perspective, the Blackhawks’ 4-3 win took longer than the Cubs remained in contention this season.
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For the first time since 2005, more Americans view George W. Bush positively than negatively. Which just goes to show again, that one of the truest song lyrics ever written was “Could it be that it was all so simple then, or has time rewritten every line…?”
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Commercial:. “Over 60% of America shops at Walmart every month.” Forget party politics…. we may have the real reason why this country is FUBAR’ed.
“This is almost airline worthy” rant of the day: Run a big ad with 14-day cruises to Canada from Boston, when they’re actually two 7 day cruises back to back with the SAME PORTS, just in a different direction. (Boston-Quebec-Boston) Thanks, Holland America……
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And yes, we are a LONG way from over. But just in case the Spurs do hang on and win this, is it too soon to trademark the phrase #TheHeatisGone?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball brawl jokes, basebrawl, Dodgers jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Snowden jokes
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June 11, 2013
The San Antonio Spurs actually play like girls. And I mean that as a compliment.
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Last time there was a massacre like this in #SanAntonio, I believe the #Alamo was involved. #Spurs
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Meanwhile, what a brawl between the #Dodgers and #Dbacks. Wow! These guys put up more of a fight than the #Heat did tonight in #SanAntonio.
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As my friend Joe Salvatore pointed out: “Involved in the Diamondbacks Dodgers brawl :Trammell, Sax, Matt Williams, Baylor, Mattingly, Gibson, McGwire. I love the 80’s”
(Wonder if they were hitting each other with their canes?)
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My friend Jeff Klein points out that down in Southern California, “People started lining up at 2 a.m. for Lawry’s prime rib for $1.25 (the cost of a dinner when Lawry’s first opened 75 years ago). But people get mad when they have to stand in line and wait 20 minutes to vote. What a country.”
I guess the moral of the story, to increase voter turnout, give away free food at the polls.
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Warner Bros has decided to drop a planned sequel to the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” Guess the studio figured that when it comes to “Dumb and Dumber” no movie these days could possibly be a match for reality.
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Just a thought for folks worried that the government will know exactly what you are reading. There’s a cure for that. Use cash and buy a magazine, newspaper or an actual book.
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Ian Stewart, hitting .164 at Triple A Iowa, ranted last night on Twitter saying the Cubs organization is letting him “rot” and “might as well release me.” If Chicago releases Stewart they are on the hook for his $2 million salary. But maybe after that rant they will do something better, like trade him to the Marlins.
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Discount carrier Allegiant Air had passengers stuck on a Las Vegas tarmac in two different planes for more than four hours. At one point passengers joined together for a group singalong to “I Believe I Can Fly.” Wonder if Allegiant then hit others on the plane with an entertainment charge.
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The SF Giants are expected to place Pablo Sandoval on the DL with a foot strain.
Wonder if the trainer will tape up Panda’s foot. Might be more effective to tape over his mouth.
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After Marco Scutaro was injured by being hit with a pitch, and the Giants retaliated by hitting Andrew McCutchen, expect bad blood between SF and Pittsburgh tomorrow. But if Barry Zito hits a Pirate with a pitch, how will that player be able to tell?
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“ESPN the Magazine” asked CB Richard Sherman if Seattle Seahawks have a problem with PED’s, his response “it does seem that way.” Not sure what Sherman majored in at Stanford but guessing it wasn’t Communication.
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There are allegations that in Hillary Clinton’s State Department, staff may have engaged prostitutes. There’s a name for people like that – they’re called “men.”
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Booz Allen says they have fired #EdwardSnowden. And who saw THAT coming?
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Okay, Mayor Bloomberg and his attempted nanny law on large sugary drinks was stupid. But for a bit of perspective, in Turkey earlier this month, President Erdogan proposed bans on alcohol and public displays of affection…. And how’s that working out for him.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Heat jokes, Janice Hough, NSA jokes, privacy jokes, Spurs jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 11, 2013
Hmm… so WordPress gives me a count every day of the number of people reading this blog. Wonder if NSA is included?
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Interesting how so many people who are upset about the government knowing what phone #s you call have no problem at all with email companies actually reading your email and targeting you with ads based on them. For starters.
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Leaving aside the larger issue of the PRISM program that Edward Snowden exposed, anyone but me just a bit uneasy how a high school dropout who didn’t finish Army basic training went from being a security guard at NSA to a high level contractor with top security clearance?
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Really? TSA stopped actor Peter Mayhew, Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies, when he was returning from ComicCon for using a cane that looked like a light saber. They finally let him on the plane. #Maythefarcebewithyou
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After Chad Johnson playfully smacked his attorney on the butt today in court, an angry judge rejected a no-jail plea deal and sentenced the former NFL star to 30 days in jail for a probation violation. Talk about a penalty for excessive celebration.
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So now JaMarcus Russell has taken his NFL comeback efforts to Baltimore. Where no doubt Ravens fans are thinking “Nevermore.”
–Eight elderly women who had hired a limo for a friend’s 96th birthday escaped unharmed Sunday when that limousine caught fire. Wonder if the fire started with the left blinker overheating from being left on.
Obama administration official are saying they had 22 separate briefings/meetings for Congress about NSA’s monitoring of Americans. The audacity! They actually expect Congress to pay attention in meetings?
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Glee star Jane Lynch and her wife, Dr. Lara Embry are divorcing after only about 2 1/2 years after their wedding. Well, guess it’s some kind of equality when gay celebrities can make marriage choices that are as bad as the straight ones.
Got to love it, so “Bachelorette”, a show reportedly about finding a soulmate, marrying and living happily after, is followed immediately on ABC by “Mistresses.”
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Sergio Garcia and Tiger Woods shook hands today at the U.S. Open. Thereby disappointing millions of Americans who really wanted to see a version of “Celebrity Boxing.”
Open note to SF Giants fans worried about Los Angeles’ new star Yasiel Puig: He does appear to be an awesome talent. On the other hand, it’s still the same old Dodger bullpen….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelorette jokes, Janice Hough, NSA jokes, Prism jokes, Snowden jokes, TSA jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 