Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
August 3, 2013
Inspired by the running of the bulls in Spain, promoters plan to bring “The Great Bull Run” to the U.S. where bulls will be unleashed to sprint through fenced-in courses as daredevils try to avoid being trampled. The first will be near Richmond, Virginia, later this month. Shocking. This seemed like a perfect fit for Florida.
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A undercover police officer arrested a Florida woman for illegally selling lobster tails on Craigslist. Good to know the Sunshine State is focusing their law enforcement efforts on the important stuff these days.
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Jerry Rice, complaining about today’s players in the Pro Bowl “You’ve got prima donnas, egocentrics, who act like it’s not an honor,” Plus they’re thinking ‘Why should I go and jeopardize what I’m doing?’ But it should be for the fans.” Here’s an idea, have the game in Detroit, only the winning team gets an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii afterwards.
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As the Anthony Weiner circus continues in New York, here’s a suggestion – why doesn’t Weiner move to San Diego and run for mayor there? Might be the only city in America where his “sext but don’t touch” slimeballness might be a mayoral upgrade?
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A-Rod, after his first rehab game: “I will say this, there’s more than one party that benefits from me never stepping back on the field. That’s not my teammates and not the Yankee fans.” So it’s not about him…. Rodriguez just cares about the little people who would be deprived of watching him play..
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From my friend Howard Fox: “A-Rod says he’s set to return the Yankees unless he’s ‘struck by lightning’. Someone hand him a kite.”
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Newsweek will be sold to IBT (International Business Times) Media. Shocking? Newsweek was still in business?
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Mark Sanchez was booed today during the New York Jets Green and White Scrimmage. Well, it may be early, but good to see that Jets fans at least are in mid-season form.
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Bad timing award? Lots of “BART, and you’re there” commercials in the San Francisco Bay Area, the weekend before what is likely to be a long strike. Or is this BART management’s way of really getting folks behind them in hopes for a quick settlement?
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How did A-Rod expect to keep his PED use secret, he can’t even keep his negotiations with MLB secret.
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Bus to hell moment from T.C. ” Hot Tip of the Year: Do not watch the movie Django Unchained before attending a Kenny Chesney cocert.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Florida jokes, janice hough jokes, Mark Sanchez jokes, Pro Bowl jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 3, 2013
Illinois legalized medical marijuana. At the signing ceremony, Gov. Pat Quinn said “This is really an important day…for helping people who are dealing with pain every day, often times very severe pain.” And presumably the new law will help state residents who aren’t Cubs fans too.
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Negotiations continue between A-Rod and MLB about his suspension. This whole mess is dragging on longer than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.
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Aaron Hernandez apparently wrote a letter from jail proclaiming his innocence, and saying he wants to “prove all the haters and down talkers wrong.” Presumably he just forgot to add the part about finding the real killers?
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Riley Cooper has been excused from the Philadelphia Eagles to undergo counseling after his racial slur. Some worry how this will affect the team, but have to figure Chip Kelly at Oregon got very good at dealing with “distractions.
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Greg Oden signed with the Miami Heat. Guess Oden wanted to be somewhere he felt comfortable driving home with his left blinker on.
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The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission saids investigators found “sufficient evidence” that Beamers Private Club in Dallas sold alcohol to Josh Brent when he was already intoxicated person before the fatal crash that killed his teammate. Got it. So the only time they have use for government regulations in Texas is if protecting a football player is involved?
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Who says Congress never does anything? Today the House went on recess but only after voting to repeal Obamacare for the 40TH time. Hey folks, don’t you think if Americans really wanted to repeal Obamacare they’d have voted to “repeal” Obama’s presidency in 2012?
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Kim Kardashian emerged from post-baby seclusion with a taped message wishing her mom “Good Luck” with her new Kris Jenner show. Not that Kim wants publicity or anything but there’s no way to wish your mom good luck without going on television…. Right.
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A 29 year old woman who is an Iraq War veteran and Arizona Cardinals cheerleader was arrested for beating her boyfriend after he got a text from an ex-girlfriend. And maybe Huma Abedin is secretly thinking “Date my husband, please?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 1, 2013
Rolling Stone sales doubled for the issue with the Boston bomber on the the cover. So who are they planning on for their next cover? Ariel Castro, Casey Anthony, Aaron Hernandez?
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Thinking Ariel Castro may not live as long in the regular section of prison as he might have lived on Death Row. And I have no problem with that.
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Castro says he is “not a monster.” And monsters accused anyone making the comparison of monster defamation.
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As Riley Cooper and the Eagles deal with the fallout from his racist rant, perhaps we should consider a new warning label on alcoholic beverages: “Caution, contents may make you forget that WHEREVER you are, there is always a camera phone.”
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This drawn-out nothing-happening wait for MLB to announce their PED suspensions is getting to be reminiscent of the royal baby watch. But at least the Brits got a cute kid at the end of it all.
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Cory Booker said “absolutely yes, unequivocally” that he has ruled out running for President in 2016. Makes sense based on his age and experience. But for a comedy writer’s dream… an election between two men from New Jersey… ah, what might have been.
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Delta Airlines will start 14 hourly shuttle flights Monday through Friday between SFO and LAX, departing every hour on the hour beginning at 7 a.m.. Which is convenient – when your flight is late, at least you’ll know when the alternatives are scheduled.
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A formerly obese man from Northern Ireland said his motivation for losing almost 250 pounds was getting stuck in a stadium turnstile. Hmm, the SF Giants may suggest a new way to enter A T and T Park for Pablo Sandoval.
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Sources say now that #MLB and #ARod are “far apart” on a settlement. Is this a #PED suspension or a celebrity divorce
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Edward Snowden has obtained asylum in Russia. Wonder if one of his first plans after leaving the airport is to see a Pussy Riot concert?
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Have to love all the people who are taking to Facebook to express their support of Edward Snowden’s exposure of government attacks on our privacy…
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Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson told The Kansas City Star that he thinks QB Alex Smith is “the best in the league.” With all due respect, Smith wasn’t even the best QB on the 49ers.
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The latest rumors out of New York are that Eliot Spitzer, still married, has a girlfriend. Who does he think he is, Rudy Giuliani?
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The driver of that Spanish train that crashed and killed 79 people admitted he was traveling at twice the speed limit, but says he can’t explain why. What, no one pushed him into the throttle?
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From T.C. “An owner of TGIF restaurants in New Jersey has been busted for substituting cheap booze for premium types. “So what’s the big deal?”, asked makers of American “Lite” beers.”
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From Mark: ( in response to my comment that that Pope would follow his tolerant comment about gay priests with something similar about women the day after hell freezes over.)
That would be a pity because if that comes the day after hell freezes over, hockey fans in Toronto and baseball fans in Chicago won’t hear it because they’d have hangover celebrating championships.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Ariel Castro jokes, Edward Snowden jokes, janice hough jokes, Rolling Stone cover jokes
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August 1, 2013
Interesting statement of understatement from Roger Clemens: “A-Rod was my teammate in New York. I’m glad he was my teammate.. I did things to make him feel comfortable….”
Sometimes you have to wonder. Are Alex Rodriguez and Anthony Weiner in the midst of a secret competition to be the most hated man in New York?
What if they gave a #tradedeadline party and nobody came?
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The Pro Bowl has decided to change the format, so it is no longer AFC vs NFC: In fact conference won’t matter at all. The two top vote-getters will be named captains and get to pick teams, aided by Jerry Rice, Deion Sanders and two NFL.com fantasy football champions. Well that answers one question. “Could the game get any more irrelevant?”
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Mayor Bob Filner has admitted to sexual harassment (and the stories are epic) but now his lawyer is blaming San Diego. Saying that the city should have provided sexual harassment training, and that Filner might never have been sued “had he been properly trained. Even Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are asking “Have you no shame?”
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The SF Giants’ Javier Lopez, joking about the trade deadline. “Me for #Verlander, straight up.” Actually Lopez is having a better year….
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Although this sentence kind of tells you all you need to know about the SF Giants 2013 season: “The last time the Giants won a Zito road start was Game 5 of the NLCS Championship last October in St. Louis.”
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Lindsay Lohan has apparently left rehab looking “happy and healthy.” So I suppose it would be wrong to start a pool on her next “incident?”
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The latest leak is that the MLBPA has been informed of the upcoming baseball suspensions and they will be announced by Friday. Of course this is supposed to be a SECRET investigation. Anyone left with any doubts how players might somehow have learned how to avoid equally secret random drug tests?
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An owner of 8 New Jersey TGI Fridays restaurants agreed to pay a $500,000 fine for serving customers fake premium booze. Of course, have to wonder how much more than $500,000 they made selling the cheap stuff.
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For all those who worried that the ongoing circus involving the NY Jets would fade away when they traded Tim Tebow, no worries: An anonymous veteran told a reporter Geno Smith has outplayed Mark Sanchez in the first week of training camp….
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What’s more shocking, that the Pittsburgh Pirates didn’t make any major trades at the deadline? Or that if they had, it would have been as buyers instead of sellers?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Filner jokes, janice hough jokes, PED jokes, Pro Bowl jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 31, 2013
Alex Rodriguez says he would still like to be a “role model.” Would he settle for being a cautionary tale?
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Archaeologists said yesterday they found a new coffin-within-a-coffin in the central England parking lot where the skeleton of King Richard III was discovered. The remains are yet unidentified. Maybe an ancestor of Jimmy Hoffa?
Chris Christie criticized Rand Paul for bringing home pork barrel money to Kentucky, whereupon Paul responded that this was “the king of bacon talking about bacon.” President Obama hasn’t had this much fun since the GOP presidential primaries.
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Oscar “Ossie” Schectman, who scored the first basket in NBA history, died today at the age of 94. Wonder if he scored his own first basket in a pickup game against Greg Oden.
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Bad news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now a LA Dodger. Good news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now an LA Dodger
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My Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein suggests that Brian Wilson might want to live on Venice Beach now. Not so sure, the man lives to stand out from the crowd – in Venice most of his get-ups would barely warrant a second look.
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Eliot Spitzer says he is not supporting Anthony Weiner for Mayor. Well, probably shouldn’t have expected the pot to vote for the kettle.
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U.S. Border agents found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s bus as it crossed from Windsor, Canada into Detroit. Beginning to look like this young man is as smart as he is talented.
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A man survived driving his car off a 40 foot cliff in San Diego. Wonder if his last tweet before the crash was “Damn this road is steeeeeeeeeep.”
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Meanwhile in sadder news. But still a Darwin award Texas A&M football player Polo Manukainiu was killed with two friends in a car accident where police believe he fell asleep at the wheel. His last tweet “22 hour drive back to Texas on no sleep – oh my.”
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I know these online deals like “Groupon” are becoming a “thing.” But really, would anyone seriously want half-price Botox injected into their face? Kind of like day-old sushi.
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Carlos Hyde, Ohio State’s top RB, was suspended for “at least” three games after a assault charge was dismissed because the alleged victim declined to press charges. The Buckeyes’ star will miss games against Buffalo, San Diego State, and Cal. If Hyde misbehaves again Urban Meyer will slap his other hand REALLY hard.
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Anthony Weiner in a new ad – “Quit isn’t the way we roll.” Really? Even Brett Favre is saying “Give it up already.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Christie jokes, football jokes, janice hough jokes, Richard III jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
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July 29, 2013
A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?
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The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort
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Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.
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But gosh, what’s next. If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women. (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)
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Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.
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#JasonGiambi, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?
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MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
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Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.
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#AnthonyWeiner is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.
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President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”
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Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.
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A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”
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Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, airline jokes, bus to hell jokes, PED jokes, Pope jokes, Weiner jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 28, 2013
Now that the royal baby is born, thousands of British reporters no longer have a good reason to stand around and watch nothing happen. Perhaps they can talk their editors into sending them over to Washington D.C. to watch Congress.
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The satiric U.K. magazine, “Private Eye,” dealt with all the frenzy last week with a simple headline “Woman has baby.”
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Saturday the Oakland A’s had “Turn Back the Clock Day”, and honored their 1969 team’s jerseys. The SF Giants apparently also decided to turn back the clock, and honored their 1985 team’s 100 loss season.
(And for any Dodgers’ fans reading this blog. Or readers who have Dodger fan friends, please adjust punchline to 1992. When Los Angeles lost 99 games….
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#SFGiants fans are lamenting what looks like lost year. Same pain but on a SLIGHTLY smaller scale than #Cubs fans and their lost century.
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A Hawaii man is suing Delta for allegedly making him crawl down the aisle of its planes and across the tarmac to reach his wheelchair on a 2012 trip, because a flight attendant told him “they couldn’t get him off the plane” otherwise. Just guessing if he had stayed in his seat they’d have figured out a way.
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As Yankees GM Brian Cashman says that A-Rod should “Go ahead and file a grievance” with the union if he thinks the Yankees are preventing him from playing, manager Joe Girardi says that he doesn’t expect Rodriguez to be a distraction when he does return to the team. Translation, Girardi doesn’t think A-Rod WILL be back with the Yankees.
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No new revelations about Anthony Weiner today. Of course it IS the weekend.
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The West beat the East 102 to 98 in today’s WNBA All-Star game. And if you bet on the game you don’t have to ask – you DO have a gambling problem.
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Ryan Braun becomes the first of what might be many PED suspensions this week, and there are seven shutouts in MLB Saturday, including four 1-0 games. Am sure it’s only coincidence.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, janice hough. WNBA jokes, royal baby jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 27, 2013
Sir Mick Jagger turned 70 on Friday. Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..
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Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.
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Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.
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FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?
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A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D. Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.
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The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.
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Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.
Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”
ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.
News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. #RoyalBaby
A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.
#SFGiants doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….
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From Bill Littlejohn: “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Fed Ex jokes, Florida jokes, janice hough jokes, Mick Jagger jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 25, 2013
If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?
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Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race.. (Insert pull out joke here.) But, hey, he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-
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Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.
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Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees: Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
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Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.
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Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.
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Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.
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The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.
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Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….
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Bus to hell time: You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?
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More on the bus to hell from TC “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, janice hough jokes, Prince George jokes, steroid jokes, Weiner jokes
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July 23, 2013
For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)
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Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.
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Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? #Seligfail
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Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.
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Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.
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Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?
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Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?
Two from my friend Marc Ragovin: “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious: Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.” And “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced. Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum. Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”
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From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”
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The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.
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A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?
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Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”
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Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.
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For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”
Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. #Royalbaby
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, royal baby jokes, Ryan Braun jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 22, 2013
Congrats to Kate and William. The heir down, the spare to go.
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The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.
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From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”
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More from the great Simon “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”
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And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.
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Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.
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Another nice thing about the #royalbaby. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.
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From Gary Bachman: “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”
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How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?
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February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?
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So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”
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What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?
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65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football. (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four game suspension.)
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On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.
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Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.
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Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.
(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Royalbabyboy, Braun jokes, Bud Selig jokes, Janice Hough, royal baby jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
July 22, 2013
For non-golf fans, a 66 on the last day of the British Open is pretty close to a no-hitter in baseball: Well played Lefty, VERY well played.
And even cooler, the U.K. Telegraph notes how he spent much of the time waiting for others to finish signing autographs for fans. Yes, we never know about athletes’ private lives – see Tiger Woods. But Mickelson is warm and friendly in public. And while he may not get the most media attention, he is almost certainly the most popular golfer on tour.)
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No royal baby yet. But hey, even Kate and William wouldn’t have wanted to compete for headlines in Britain with Phil Mickelson.
ESPN, sitting on some amazing British Open highlights, had to wait until 1a for the Yankees-Red Sox game to be over on the East Coast. Good game but the network was thinking it would have been a good night for a 2 hour NL pitchers’ duel.
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Florida Gators LB Antonio Morrison was suspended from the team after his 2nd arrest in five weeks, this time for allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. But this, from ESPN, is the part you can’t make up “according to a police report Morrison’s defense was the dog barked first.”
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Then there’s West Virginia DL Korey Harris who was arrested Friday for first-degree armed robbery. Allegedly he and two others broken into a home and robbed two people at gunpoint. Harris was arrested because one of the victims saw the player’s uniform number 96 on his official Mountaineers-issued sweatpants and gave the information to police.
Korey Harris has been dismissed from the team. No word if he got to keep his sweatpants.
(And wonder if he’ll get some interest from the SEC.)
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John McCain said the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bomber was “stupid.” Wow. McCain knows what Rolling Stone magazine is?
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Have heard the SF Giants are not bringing Gary Brown up because he can’t hit right-handed pitching. And compared to the rest of the team their point is?
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A strained thigh may keep A-Rod from rejoining the Yankees Monday as scheduled. And millions of baseball fans are thinking “promise?”
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Expos fans flooded the stands in the game between the Blue Jays and Rays to make their case for bringing a team back to Montreal–but in deference to Steven Strasburg, the effort shut down in the seventh inning”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: British Open jokes, football arrest jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Phil Mickelson jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 20, 2013
The NY Post is reporting that some Manhattan parents are hiring $400-an-hour recreation “experts” to organize play dates for their children, since top private kindergartens watch how kids interact as part of the admissions process. Well, what’s $400 an hour when you’re saving for a lifetime of therapy.
There are reports that RGIII has been sexting a waitress, even on his wedding day. Who does the Redskins QB think he is? Tiger Woods?
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A little bizarre baseball trivia: Tim Lincecum’s no-hitter against the San Diego Padres – 148 pitches. Six SF Giants pitchers combining on a shutout against the Arizona D’backs Friday night – 123 pitches.
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New York Mets lose 13 to 8 after falling behind 11 to 0 to Phillies. Guess they didn’t want Citi Field fans to get too used to seeing All-Stars.
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While our country will never agree on the trial verdict, can we at least stop this characterization of Trayvon Martin as a thug because he used marijuana? My alma mater, Lake Brantley High School, is about 15 miles from Sanford, Florida. When I went there in the late 70s it was 99% white. And we had an outdoor smoking section. (really). It was a school joke, walk by the section, get high on the fumes. And they weren’t nicotine fumes….
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One group that is being very quiet about Trayvon Martin & George Zimmerman – the NRA. Maybe they don’t want to start seeing quite ALL Americans armed?
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And putting this in perspective from Marc Ragovin: “The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.”
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Andrew Bynum, now a member of the Cavaliers, says that Cleveland is “definitely a playoff team.” Well, not sure about that. But the Cavs would probably be at least an NCAA tournament six seed.
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Not exactly. Anthony Hopkins speaking to Jay Leno last night “Only America could produce ‘American Idol.'”
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Some wondered if after Texas passed very restrictive laws tightening clinic restrictions and banning abortion after 20 weeks, that the backlash from women might make them reconsider. They’re reconsidering all right. Now a legislator has introduced a bill banning abortion after SIX weeks.
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Matt Garza apparently has been told he’ll be traded, though he doesn’t want to leave the Cubs, as he believes the team is headed in the right direction. “I don’t think we are far away from winning.” Sounds like Garza is getting out of Wrigley just in time, he’s becoming delusional.
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Dear Gawd, now the U.K. Telegraph has a cover story on “10 ways to bring on the Royal Baby.” Actually there’s one way with a 100% success rate: Wait.
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So, conspiracy theorists of the world, where is the speculation that Kim Kardarshian is waiting to show pictures of North West until the day the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, New York joke, royal baby jokes, Texas jokes, Zimmerman jokes
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July 18, 2013
Rick Perry has announced he will not run again for Governor of Texas. He may be running again for President. But wouldn’t a better option be Governor of Florida. Then Perry could threaten to secede and most Americans would say “Promise?”
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Top Three reactions on the Rolling Stone Boston bomber cover. 1. It’s outrageous. 2. It’s not a big deal. 3. Rolling Stone is still in business?
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The city of Detroit has declared bankruptcy. Wouldn’t it be better to declare war on the rest of the United States, lose, and apply for aid?
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The stock market closed at a record high today. Which means it’s time for the GOP to start talking about President Obama’s birth certificate again.
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Virginia’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, is trying to reinstate the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law. This law makes consensual oral or anal sex acts felonies, even for married heterosexual couples who commit the acts in the privacy of their own homes. (“Not tonight, dear, I don’t want to be arrested?”)
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A man was arrested outside the White House Tuesday morning with a loaded gun. And apparently told the police. “I was only going to fire a couple of shots.” Uh, George Zimmerman only fired one.
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Eliot #Spitzer told an interviewer he considered himself a feminist. Well, I guess he did support a woman-owned business and paid well…
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Jerry Seinfeld said he was upset during the All-Star game “when the Citi Field crowd was booing (players) that they see as rivals to their Mets team.” Of course, to be fair, it could have been an automatic reaction, as these days NY fans are just used to booing their own team.
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From T.C. “Charles Foley, the inventor of Twister has passed on. He will be buried with his right foot touching the casket’s top left hand corner and his left hand touching the bottom right.”
Have to assume Kate is safely ensconced away from TV and media… But this baby is expected to be a major economic stimulus for the economy – tourist visits and locals buying “stuff.” And if you WANTED to create even more hype for a royal baby that will be King or Queen someday. one way to do it would be to let public assume a due date a week or two early….
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Lots of talk about banning PED users from baseball for life to make the game completely clean. But isn’t that like expecting the death penalty to completely stop murders? #Nooneexpectstobecaught
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, PED jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Rolling Stone jokes
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July 17, 2013
One reason that so many people are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the royal baby? How often do we get a real celebrity baby born in wedlock?
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So little offense in Tuesday night’s All-Star game you had to wonder if all the batters knew they might be asked to provide a urine sample after the game?
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Governor Rick Perry, in an Illinois radio ad trying to lure business to his state – “The escape route leads straight to Texas.” Uh, aren’t they talking about a fence for that?
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Matt Harvey said in a Men’s Journal article that he hopes to have the kind of love life Derek Jeter has had, not just the beautiful women, but the privacy. Apparently Harvey, 24, hasn’t thought about Jeter being lucky enough to be in HIS 20s before everyone from age 7 to 70 had their own camera phone.
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Gay marriages will now be legal in England, Queen Elizabeth II gave her royal assent to a bill passed in Parliament. Of course, watching her own four children couldn’t have given the Queen any sense that “traditional” marriage needed to be defended….
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An interesting sidelight to the legalization of gay marriage in Britain…. it was Prime Minister David Cameron, a leader of the Conservatives, who first proposed the legislation.
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San Francisco now has its own Applebee’s on Fisherman’s Wharf. For all those locals and tourists who haven’t known where to get a good pomegranate martini made with Sprite. (No joke, was in an Applebee’s in Kansas, only place open late, and had to have them hold the Sprite.)
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Asiana Airlines is dropping plans to sue KTVU, the TV station that mistakenly read the four fake pilot names on air. Presumably at least in part because the airline realized such a suit would lead to about four million fake lawyer name jokes.
Despite the most recent controversy swirling around him after his early departure from the Manning QB camp, Johnny Manziel says “I’m still going to live my life to the fullest.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next possible arrest date?
Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel said he ended up leaving the Manning QB camp simply because he missed a meeting when he overslept. Yo, Johnny, they’re called alarm clocks. (And there’s an app for that.)
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Meanwhile in San Francisco, LB NaVorro Bowman is talking about the “huge mistake” by QB Colin Kaepernick – being seen wearing a Miami Dolphins hat. Is it just me, or should “huge mistake” be reserved for situations where the police are involved. Or maybe butt fumbles.
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If Russia gives Snowden asylum South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham is now suggesting the U.S. consider a boycott the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi. Yeah, that 1980 boycott turned out so well with Afghanistan….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Asiana airlines jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, John Manziel jokes, NFL jokes, royal baby jokes
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July 17, 2013
Mariano Rivera entered his final All-Star game Tuesday night to the familiar sounds sounds of “Enter Sandman” Which was particularly fitting tonight because approaching 11pm on the east coast after 7 1/2 dull innings, a lot of fans were already half asleep.
Three hits for the NL in the All Star game. #SFGiants fans had to figure they were watching a repeat of their team’s last month.
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I think I speak for all SF Giants fans in saying “Thank God we didn’t see a home plate collision between Prince Fielder and Buster Posey.”
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Nike has pulled a number of T-shirts from sale after discovering they put a Carolina Panthers logo with the letters “NC” inside an outline of the state of South Carolina. Scary thing, I wonder how many Americans would have noticed.
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Why should New York have all the fun with elections. Now we’ve got Liz Cheney running for Senate in Wyoming. Against an incumbent REPUBLICAN.
(my friend Jason suggests that Liz with her Tea Party style may cause Dick more grief than his Lesbian daughter did when Bush was out pushing a Marriage amendment.)
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The head of the MLB Players Association says that it’s possible the players implicated with Biogenesis would not serve their penalties until 2014. Great, so instead of having a suspended player help determine home field advantage in the World Series, we could have one become the MVP of the World Series.
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Some statements don’t even need a punchline: George Zimmerman’s brother on CNN, said that George “is going to be looking around his shoulder for the rest of his life,” looking out for people who “take the law into their own hands.”
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Juror B37’s book deal apparently was killed before she wrote a word. Will her former literary agent claim self-defense?
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God Bless America. In response to an email inquiry about train travel to England, Rail Europe reminds me “It is important to purchase your rail tickets prior to departing for Europe to avoid any language barrier, long lines at the station and sold out trains.” Right, especially that language barrier.
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The California Supreme Court refused Monday to stop gay weddings in the state, a move that upset Proposition 8 supporters. But where are the cheers from conservatives who believe that government should stay out of our lives?
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ESPN is already gearing up their British Open coverage. Is anyone but #TigerWoods playing?
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From Jim Barach: Chris Christie is set to appear on Michael J. Fox’s new show. His camp says it has nothing to do with trying to get national exposure for a presidential run since the show will be aired on NBC.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, juror b37 jokes, Mariano Rivera jokes, SF Giants jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 14, 2013
July 14, 2013. A Facebook ad titled “Music for the Holidays” suggests “Create your holiday soundtrack with Pandora for business.” Have they no shame? Everyone knows the Christmas shopping season doesn’t start until Labor Day.
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Asiana Airlines said they are considering legal action against KTVU because the station’s reading of the four fake names “badly damaged” their reputation. Really? I would have thought what badly damaged Asiana’s reputation was crashing a 777 on a clear day with possibly one of the worst landings in commercial aviation history.
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Timing is everything. The New York Times did a pre-All Star break baseball story that pointed out there was only one no-hitter this year. And called Tim Lincecum one of the three most disappointing NL pitchers in 2013.
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Anyone looking at the box scores from last night’s and today’s SF Giants vs. San Diego Padres games will understand, if they haven’t already, that “momentum is the next day’s starting pitcher.” (Earl Weaver.)
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The All Star futures game today was managed by Mookie Wilson and Edgardo Alfonzo, two former Mets. Well, when you think of minor league baseball, it’s makes sense to think of the Mets.
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American sprinter Tyson Gay tests positive for a banned substance: Track and Field is beginning to look like a sport with all the honor and integrity of professional cycling.
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From Bill Littlejohn: after a bystander threw urine on Tour de France rider Mark Cavendish: “I wonder if it tested negative.”
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Yesterday Metta World Peace said he was done with the NBA, today he wants to play for the New York Knicks. Maybe he meant the Knicks aren’t really an NBA team, they’re more like a circus….?
The time’s they are a changin.’ Jordan Spieth, 19, won the John Deere Classic today. To put this in perspective, based on Spieth’s age, Tiger Woods is old enough to be his father.
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Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of George Zimmerman’s next arrest?
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After his acquittal, George Zimmerman got his gun returned to him. So going forward, presume anyone who argues with him has a right to draw their own weapon at any time. Because we’ve already proved, anyone fighting with Zimmerman IS in mortal danger.
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And serious final note: The death of Cory Monteith reminds us of a sad truth about addiction. Not everyone with a problem plays it out by becoming a tabloid joke with their bad behavior.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana jokes, Janice Hough, Tour de France jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 14, 2013
Just guessing that no one will question Buster Posey catching Tim Lincecum again?
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The first San Diego batter of the night against Tim Lincecum was a nine-pitch at bat before he finally grounded out. And SF Giants announcers talked about a small strike zone. Over-under had to be about a five inning start, at best?
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If Ho Lee Fuk is not an Asiana Airlines pilot he might be a #SFGiants fan watching Tim Lincecum pitch tonight.
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George Zimmerman is a free man. And he’s single. Hey, Casey Anthony is available.
(So anyone want to hire Zimmerman as their neighborhood watch captain?)
For that matter, now that Zimmerman is free and can keep his gun, who volunteers to have him as a neighbor? (My guess, no one with teenage kids.)
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“Fruitvale Station”, about the Oscar Grant Bart shooting, is already getting Oscar buzz. So does this mean someday there might be a critically acclaimed movie about Trayvon Martin.
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Dwight Howard says he’s looking forward to a “fresh start” in Houston. The guy is one more alienated team and fan base away from being the Manny Ramirez of basketball.
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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery during a bar fight this April. The deal that will keep him out of jail. Have to assume the team will add an additional punishment, like making him sit out the Kent State game.
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23 injured in Saturday’s “Running of the Bulls.” Hey, think we can convince the Texas Legislature that this might be a fun sport for them to try in Austin?
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Apparently smartphone thefts are one of the fasting growing crimes in this country. My solution: have a Blackberry. No one wants to steal the thing.
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Star basketball guard, Marshall Henderson, now suspended from Old Miss, was on his , fourth college. And this suspension was the result of “multiple” failed drug tests. It’s all part of the NCAA’s “10 strikes and you’re out program.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, ho lee fuk jokes, Janice Hough, Lincecum jokes, no-hitter jokes, sf giants. George Zimmerman jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 12, 2013
Millions of Americans seem far more invested in the All-Star game voting than in political elections. But to be fair, almost all the baseball candidates offer a decent chance at a good performance.
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19.7 million votes for Freddie Freeman in just a few days. Maybe to increase U.S. voter participation we should give Americans bonus All-Star votes?
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After he was accused of sexual harassment, San Diego mayor Bob Filner today apologized for his behavior, saying he failed to respect women who work for him. Surprised Filner didn’t say he was just preparing to be Governor of California.
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The Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with their neighborhood to install the first Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Wonder if part of the agreement the Cubs reminding residents that they wouldn’t have to deal with the scoreboard after March and starting in October.
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No more World Peace in Los Angeles? And anyone who isn’t an NBA fan responds “And your point is?” (Or, as if World Peace ever stood a chance in Los Angeles?)
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On the front page of Palo Alto Daily Post today “Correction – (name withheld on this blog), 51, of Palo Alto, was not fully nude when police say he was seen performing lewd acts on himself while bicycling through Seale Park on Thursday. Only a portion of his anatomy was exposed, leading to the arrest, police said.” Well I’m sure the man is glad they cleared that up..
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Michael Weiner, director of the MLB players union said that leaks about the Bigenesis-PED investigation “threaten to harm the integrity” of the drug agreement. Shocking, someone believes there was any “integrity” in the drug agreement?
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Derek Jeter was removed in the eighth inning from his first game of the season due to tightness in his quad. Or maybe the Yankees was just rushing to make the “Early Bird Special.”
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The pilot of the Asiana plane that crashed at SFO now says that a flash of light temporarily blinded him 34 seconds before impact, when the plane was already way too low and slow. Guess there were no lifeboats he could claim to have been pushed into?
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Already on probation for assaulting a police officer in 2012, Patriots CB Alfonzo Dennard was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Looking like a good thing New England signed Tebow – they’ll need all the prayers they can get.
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Story now is that Dwight Howard was unhappy with the Los Angeles Lakers because he felt Kobe should have passed the torch. Okay, and how dumb is it to go into a situation expecting Kobe to pass ANYTHING?
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The judge in the George Zimmerman case agreed that jurors can consider the lesser charge of manslaughter. Which may or may not help the prosecutors win their case. But it does make them smarter than their compatriots who went after Casey Anthony.
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Apparently police are on alert in Orlando for the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.
Depending on the verdict, Central Florida could see the biggest riots since – a – Walt Disney World raised prices, or b – Denny’s raised the prices on their “Early Bird Special.”
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Today, 7/11, is “Free Slurpee Day” at 7/11. What does it say about this country when
some people can’t be bothered to vote, but they line up for free frozen sugar water….
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In the never-ending discussion of whether men or women are more intelligent, I give you the annual week long “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona, Spain, and the gender breakdown of the human runners….. Nuff said.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star game jokes Florida jokes, baseball jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 10, 2013
Oakland Raiders’ LB Kaluka Maiava has been charged with assault after a fight earlier this year in a Maui bar. Gosh, and there goes the NFL’s streak of about 72 hours since the last arrest.
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Let’s hope SF Giants get it together soon. Otherwise the seagulls who fly into A T and T Park to hunt for garbage might fly away with half the team’s outfield.
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Sarah Palin may run for the Senate in 2014. Apparently she’s decided it would be a great place to spend three years of her life..
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Actual notice on a FedEx wine shipment. “Do not deliver to an intoxicated person.” Great, what do we need now? Drivers with portable breathalyzers?
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Now a video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a restaurant mop bucket. I know the singer is young, but is he trying to prove he’s old enough for Lindsay Lohan?
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Have no real reason to suspect Chris Davis of PEDs, but for all those who say, “He MUST be clean because he has spoken so stridently against them,” see Ryan Braun and Rafael Palmeiro.
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Pitcher Chad Gaudin, now with the SF Giants, formerly with the Yankees, has been charged with “open and gross lewdness” for making advances and groping a woman in a Las Vegas hospital this January. Who did Gaudin think he was? Joe Namath?
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Wal-Mart is threatening not to open three planned stores in Washington, D.C. if the city goes ahead with raising the minimum wage to $12.50 an hour. Well, and why not? Why should government interfere with the right of a corporation to pay as little as possible when food stamps and Medicaid are available?
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They may have swept the Giants but they’re still the Mets: The NY Mets drastically scaled back Native American Heritage day when they realized they were to host Atlanta the same day. Because they didn’t want to offend the Braves. So now they offended the actual Indians, who pulled out of the event.
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Pat Robertson says he would like to see a “Vomit” button on Facebook for photos of gay couples. Funny, because millions of gay and straight couples would like to see a “Vomit’ button for pictures of Pat Robertson
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Former Florida State OL Menelik Watson just got his ACC championship ring on Wednesday. Except that it read “2012 SEC Champions.”
Two reactions: At the jewelry company – “FSU football players can read?” At Ohio State – “Darn, a ring with a mistake would have fetched more money.”
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House Speaker John Boehner says the House will not even vote on the bipartisan immigration bill passed by the Senate 68-32. Apparently they’re too busy with symbolic abortion bills and repeals of Obamacare.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: NY Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; )or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots.) There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Boehner jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrest jokes, NFL jokes, Pat Robertson jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 