Archive for May 2011

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Alas poor Tressel.

May 31, 2011

We thought we knew him.

 

There are rumors that Ohio State coach Jim Tressel’s resignation was actually a “resign or be fired” situation. But no one will probably ever know for sure; Tressel’s playing it pretty close to the vest.

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Wonder if Tressell will follow Pete Carroll to the NFL. Since he’s already has plenty of experience in dealing with well-paid players.

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No news on what the NCAA might do to the Ohio State program with the most recent revelations. But it’s increasingly looking like a good bet that Buckeye players won’t have any bowl memorabilia to sell this year.

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And somewhere, the headstone on Woody Hayes’ grave has probably become a pinwheel.

 

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Who’d a thunk that the Bill Martin, the Michigan athletic director who hired Rich Rodriguez, might end up looking better than Ohio State AD Gene Smith.

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At least Rich Rodriguez’s players never really got any good bowl memorabilia to sell.

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Today the NCAA announced which men’s baseball teams have qualified for the tournament leading to the College World Series. Much disappointment in Minnesota – fans hoped the Twins would get at least a six seed.

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FIFA president Sepp Blatter says that bribery allegations had done “great damage” to the soccer governing body’s image. Well, not exactly, no one outside of FIFA has thought for a long time that they had a reputation left to ruin.

 

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Today the NCAA announced which men’s baseball teams have qualified for the tournament leading to the College World Series. Much disappointment in Minnesota – fans hoped the Twins would get at least a six seed.

 

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Meanwhile Sarah Palin’s One Nation Bus (and Motorcycle) Tour is on its way, even if the itinerary is a closely guarded secret, even and especially from the media.

Palin did stop at Mount Vernon, where she proclaimed George Washington her “Favorite Founding Father.”

Uh, has anyone told Sarah that when he crossed the Delaware, Washington didn’t do the truly brave thing, and stop half way?

Now, originally in 2010 when Palin was asked by Glenn Beck who her favorite founding father was, she said “all of them,” and only settled on Washington when pressed “because he was almost reluctant to serve as president too and that’s who you need to find to serve in government, in a bureaucracy — those who you know will serve for the right reasons….”

“For the right reasons?”  Are we talking about choosing presidents , or picking a winner on “the Bachelorette?”

 

and finally back to sports from T.C.   JR Hildebrand has sent Jean Van de Velde a friend request

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Race day..

May 29, 2011

Aka, “there’s no NHL playoffs, there’s no NBA playoffs, it’s a holiday weekend so other than baseball so what’s on TV besides CSI reruns?”

 

Both Dale Earnhardt, Jr and J.R.Hildebrand’s cars were sponsored Sunday by the National Guard, whose motto is “Always Ready, Always There.” Well, apparently except for on the last lap.

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How bad are gas prices? Apparently even Dale Earnhardt Jr was tempted into not quite filling the tank today.

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JR Hildebrand has a twitter account. Wonder if his last tweet today was “Wow about 2 win Indy 500…. Oh sh*t”?

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Hildebrand may have lost the Indy 500 with his crash into the wall on the last turn. But he has a potential great opportunity to make a commercial warning kids not to text and drive.

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On Fox News today John McCain said “Of course” Sarah Palin can beat Obama. And millions of Americans breathed a sigh of relief. Had we elected John in 2008 the country would be dealing with a sitting President suffering from at least early stage dementia.

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Scientists have found that near starvation diets make everything from mice to monkeys live longer, and they are speculating that severe calorie restriction might help humans live longer too. Either that or going without ever eating anything bad for you makes every day feel like forever.

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First Trump, now Mitch Daniels. The GOP contenders who have decided not to run for President both say they could have won. Is this an election or a remake of “On the Waterfront?”

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Dallas QB Tony Romo got married Saturday. And to the surprise of many Cowboys fan, he made it through the important ceremony without dropping the ring.

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Wonder if there’s some loophole that would allow USC and Ohio State to compete next year in the “Probation Bowl?”

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Beyond the current penalties for the current team, there are rumors the NCAA may take away USC’s 2004 football National Championship.  The operative word being “may.”  And of course “when?”  Are they waiting until players on that year’s team have children who are of college recruiting age?

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Memorial Day Weekend

May 28, 2011

When most Americans look back and remember when gas was under $3 a gallon.

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Frank McCourt has apparently secured funds to make the Dodgers payroll this month. Ah, for the good old days in Los Angeles when the only payroll worries for sports fans were about anyone finding out how much the players were getting paid at USC.

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Amy Winehouse checked back into rehab in London this week, but according to the British media, not before stopping at a shop to buy a small bottle of vodka that she swigged immediately. That’s like Lindsay Lohan stopping on her way to home confinement to go jewelery shopping.

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Fox News fired Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum because of their intentions to run for President. But despite similar signs from Sarah Palin, the network is keeping her on as a contributor. Translation, compared to Gingrich and Santorum, Palin has higher ratings.

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Many sports fans around the world Saturday were rivited to the Champions’ League soccer championships between Barcelona and ManU.  In the U.S., however, many would just have asked “where’s Manu?”

(responded Jerry Hoffman, “with the Spurs.”)

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The world didn’t end last weekend. Although in Chicago, where the Cubs have lost two straight to the lowly Pirates, including a 10-0 shellacking, the 2011 season may be officially over.

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Amazing, Francisco Liriano of the Twins pitched a no-hitter earlier this month, and Anthony Swarzak almost pitched one today (into the 8th).  What’s most amazing, these pitchers have done this without the benefit of pitching to their own lineup. 

 

And we wonder why U.S. airlines have such lousy reputations for both service and profitability – example number 334:

Video announcement on United Airlines  “We’re taking significant steps in our merger with Continental Airlines – we’ve painted our planes….”  (Really, followed by all the things they are going to do.  Though to be fair the two airlines have synchonized boarding procedures, and some fees, usually by raising the lower of the two.)

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Yuma Scorpions manager Jose Canseco, who is smitten with her and has proposed marriage, has declared May 30th ‘Lady Gaga Night’ at the team’s home park.Free admission will be granted to those producing a restraining order”

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Parenthetical thoughts…

May 28, 2011

Maybe a few history classes wouldn’t have hurt. Michelle Bachman got into trouble before for saying (twice) that the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hampshire. Now she is kicking off her presidential campaign in Iowa. In the town of Waterloo.

(but who knows, maybe Bachman thinks the line “where Napoleon met his Waterloo” refers to a woman he was dating?)

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Sarah Palin has apparently authorized a feature film about her career. The film has an announced running time of two hours but will stop halfway through.

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Ray Small, former Ohio State WR, is claiming a student newspaper “twisted his words” about teammates selling their rings and getting car deals, and has retracted the statements. Although the newspaper editor says “everything Small said is recorded.” Well, when Small decides he is completely done with football, he has a great future working for Newt Gingrich.

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Governor Jan Brewer is going to court to fight the state’s voter approved medical marijuana law.   So let me get this straight, Brewer trusts the people of Arizona to make the decision to carry a gun around, but not to light up a joint?

(Based on events in Arizona and Florida over the last several years, I am beginning to think that too much sun rots your brain.)

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Meanwhile, over in Texas,  Governor Rick Perry is the latest to talk about running for President in 2012. Uh, Rick, with all this talk of secession for the Lone Star state, wouldn’t that make you no longer born in the U.S?

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A new CNN poll shows Rudy Giuliani, who is not even an announced candidate, leads all GOP presidential contenders. Presume “None of the above” was not an option?

(My friend Scott Russell has an idea, if “none of the above” is the biggest vote getter in an election, throw both candidates out and start over.)

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If you think golf needs Tiger Woods, how about women’s tennis needing the Williams sisters? The two top seeds, Kim Clijsters and Caroline Wozniacki, are both out of the French Open. And the response of most sports fans – “Who and who?”

 

 

Aubrey Huff, batting .212, hit cleanup again for the SF Giants today. Now, I love Aubrey, and we pronounce our last names the same way, but these days the only cleanup he’s doing well is helping the opposing pitchers clean up their messes.

(of course I wrote the above before the game, and he got two hits, so am posting it so as not to mess with success.)

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Meanwhile, at home plate, Eli Whiteside over Prince Fielder by TKO.

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Gallows humor.

May 27, 2011

A little gallows humor for Giants’ fans: Many are wondering in the wake of Posey’s injury about Bengie Molina, who hasn’t officially retired. But Mercury News writer Andrew Baggarly hears “at least as of two months ago, Molina was not in any kind of shape to play.” Well, doesn’t sound much different from last year.

A 27 year old Rockies fan died today after a 20 foot fall at Coors Field in Denver. He had lost his balance after trying to slide down a staircase railing.

The man had been taken off life support after being declared brain dead Wednesday.  While I don’t mean to minimize the pain his friends and relatives must be going thru, with all due respect, he was brain dead when he decided to slide down that railing.

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Apparently green-minded students this year at more than 250 colleges and universities  have the option to get graduation gowns made from recycled plastic bottles.  Still others can buy gowns made from wood pulp, instead of the standard polyester.

Many basketball and football powerhouse schools say they have an even greener option.  They don’t waste anything with gowns, because their students don’t graduate in the first place.

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There are more and more rumors of other alleged Schwarzenegger mistresses and brief liasons. Here we thought Arnold dreamed he should be President, maybe he just dreamed he was the world’s greatest golfer.

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Interesting sidelight about John Edwards’ alleged use of campaign funds to pay for his mistress.  Edwards might almost be as rich as Schwarzenegger.  As Augie suggests, perhaps Arnold might have told John “Don’t be such a girly man, pay up.”

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MSNBC host Ed Schultz has accepted a one week suspension, and has apologized for calling conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham a ‘right-wing slut’ on his syndicated radio program Tuesday. So is the apology for calling her “right-wing” or for calling her a “slut?”

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With the Heat into the finals, the impossible has become reality; most of America will actually be rooting for Mark Cuban.

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The New York Mets reportedly sold part of their team today. Mets fans were hoping it was the bullpen.

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The NCAA infractions appeals committee has upheld all penalties and findings against USC football, The Trojans will lose 30 scholarships over the next three years are banned again from this year’s postseason. 

For some reason the committee didn’t buy the school’s defense, which basically boiled down to “But we’re USC!”

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Sarah Palin has announced a bus trip “to connect with our founders, our patriots, our challenges and victories.” And to “appreciate the significance of our nation’s historic sites, patriotic events and diverse cultures, which we’ll do in the coming weeks on our “One Nation” tour. Wonder if Sarah will meet up with Michelle Bachman in Lexington NH to commemorate the “shot heard round the world.?”

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Just how young are American Idol finalists Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina? At their ages, Lindsay Lohan hadn’t even entered her first rehab yet.

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Student-athletes and other jokes.

May 26, 2011

 The NCAA banned three teams from postseason football  –   Idaho State, Southern and Jackson State, because of subpar APR (Academic Progress Rates) for their student athletes.   Apparently to remain eligible teams must meet certain academic standards, or belong to the SEC.

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Although the NHL Thrashers sale and move to Winnipeg is not yet a done deal, apparently Atlanta mayor Kasim Reed believes that the move is inevitable. When local sports fans were asked how they felt about losing their hockey team, the number one response was “We have a hockey team?”

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After the season, Shawn Marion of the Dallas Mavericks said he will shoot a reality TV pilot about the women he dates called “The Ladies of My Life.” Good thing Wilt Chamberlain never tried that, the series would have had to run longer than Bonanza.

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John Edwards may be indicted for using campaign funds to help subsidize and cover up his relationship with baby mama Rielle Hunter. Well, Schwarzenegger did tell us his being independently wealthy would be an asset if he were elected Governor.

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And another thought re Arnold, a lot of athletes actually probably felt some relief at this story.   I guess getting two women pregnant at the same time does indicate that steroid use may not cause permanent damage. 

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President Obama received mostly good reviews on his speech today to the British Parliament. Mostly because the Brits were just thrilled to know that it was still possible to have a U.S. President who could speak English.

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Mike Brown has agreed to be the Lakers’ new head coach. In preparation for the job, maybe the best training might be watching a DVD of “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Whatever Tate Forcier is majoring in, I think we can surmise it’s not geography.

The former Michigan QB and San Diego native has changed his mind about transferring to Miami: “It’s completely on the other side of the country. It would have been fun. But I just wanted to be closer so my parents can afford to come to the games.” So now Forcier’s looking into USC, San Diego State, Montana, Kansas State and… Auburn?!

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A footnote or two for tonight’s extra inning game in Philadelphia.  (19 innings)

Wilson Valdez -now and forever tied for the best winning percentage and ERA in major league pitching history.

How long was this game?  It started in late spring and by the end fans were just getting ready to boo Santa Claus.

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I realize for some people that tuesday is the end of the world. For all of us who work standard day jobs, however, can I ask “So what was this Oprah show anyway”

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Hard core San Jose Sharks fans still can’t believe the way that puck bounced off the stanchion last night. More casual Sharks fans are asking “What’s a stanchion?” And real bandwagon fans are asking “What’s a puck?”

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And on a serious note, all best wishes for a speedy recovery to Buster Posey, a man who is not only a great catcher, he WAS a real student athlete-  Academic All-American at Florida State. (Yes, I know, the Harvard of the South.) But the guy is for real, also high school valedectorian.  

Shame there wasn’t a stanchion that the runner from third couldn’t have crashed into instead of Posey.

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What we have here are dead sharks….

May 25, 2011

 

Sharks fans may be disappointed but if the Canucks win the Championship at least the Cup will go home to a country where most citizens know icing isn’t just something you put on a cake.

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Can a stanchion get an assist on a game winning goal?

(For anyone who didn’t see the game, the puck bounced off a stanchion, one of the posts between the glass that protects fans from pucks flying out of play, and everyone, including players, thought it was out of play. Except for Bieska of the Canucks, who saw the puck and shot it into the San Jose net.)

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And what invisible hand guided that puck on its way to ending up in the net?  Are we sure Steve Bartman wasn’t somehow involved?

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Tiger Woods’ world golf ranking has fallen from #1 to #12. Although, in a weirdly symbiotic way, his ranking once again matches the number of women most Americans think he is probably sleeping with.

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If there’s a season this year, the NFL is planning to punish teams next season if their players commit multiple flagrant hits that result in fines. The punishment could either be financial or to strip clubs of draft choices. Well, that latter shouldn’t stop the Raiders – they don’t do anything with their draft picks anyway.

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New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said the team could lose $70 million this season. $70 million? Wow, that’s almost as much as the Yankees pay for a utility infielder.

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So the Big 12 conference, despite being down to 10 teams, will keep its name. Meanwhile, the Big 10, which has had 11 teams, will also keep its name when Nebraska joins this fall. Meanwhile the Atlantic 10 has 14 teams. And we wonder why college football players are bad at math

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Apparently the U.S. Justice Department is ready to go ahead with criminal charges to be filed against former U.S. Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards, for alleged violations of campaign finance laws arising from the cover-up of his affair with his baby mama Rielle Hunter.

And once again, Democrats across America are realizing that there might be a silver lining in the Kerry-Edwards ticket not winning in 2004.

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President Obama’s code name with Scotland Yard for his U.K. visit is apparently
“Chalaque.” It’s a Punjab word that the Daily Mail paper says means “someone too clever for his own good,” or someone “cheeky, crafty and cunning.” Scotland Yard denies the term is perjorative, and said they planned on using it for the previous president, but no one could say it about W with a straight face.

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Meanwhile, in California, depending on where he got the money to pay HIS baby mama, Arnold Schwarzenegger is either watching with some sympathy, or the sense of “Oh Sh*t.”

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Toyota is starting a private social network for its car owners – calling it “Toyota Friend.” So does that mean instead of sending recall notices, they’ll just change your status to “It’s complicated?”

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President Obama and Michelle met Prince William and Kate Middleton today in London, and will spend the night in the same suite that the Duke and Duchess used on their wedding night. Presumably this seemed a better accommodation option than Camilla’s old stable.

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Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

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The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

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October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

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From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

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The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

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Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

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Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

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Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

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The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

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Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

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The longest two minutes in sports?

May 23, 2011

For San Jose Sharks fans it was during the second period against the Canucks Sunday.

(For non-hockey fans, the Vancouver Canucks scored three goals in about 1 minute and 55 seconds enroute to a 5-3 win. And yes, that’s rare.)

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Sharks goalie Antti Niemi only had 14 shots on goal, and let 5 of them in.  Maybe the Sharks should have just played the game with an empty net and been on a nonstop power play.

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Meanwhile, over in the NBA… The only people outside South Florida who are rooting for the Heat these days might be in the Bronx. Because if the Heat win they may at least temporarily take the title from the Yankees of the “most hated team in America.”

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The reengineered 3D version of “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel “On Stranger Tides” took in a record $256.3 million internationally at the box office this weekend. So much for those who say the U.S. only IMPORTS silly action figures.

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Alex Tagliani became the first Canadian to win the pole at the Indianapolis 500. Stand by next Sunday for “Gentlemen, start your engines, eh?”

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And okay, did more people have Butler and VCU in the NCAA men’s basketball final four than the team with the best current record in major league baseball?    As of today that would be  the Cleveland Indians – 29 and 15.

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Meanwhile, the first place San Francisco Giants are doing it with smoke, mirrors, and usually REALLY good pitching.   Even after Sunday’s 5-4 win in extra innings, the team has scored fewer runs  – 160 – than any team in the National League.  (Really, you could look it up.)

Only the Seattle Mariners (159) and Minnesota Twins (147)  have scored fewer runs in all of baseball.  And the Twins are coming to SF for interleague play.  Which could mean the first baseball series decided by penalty kicks.

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Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis says crime will increase if the NFL doesn’t play games this year, because “There’s nothing else to do.” Is he talking about for the fans or the players?”

(and of course it has to be Ray Lewis saying this, as my friend Alex Kaseberg put it “Ray has already crossed ‘stab a guy to death’ off his bucket list”)

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Question of the week from another friend,  Jerry Perisho  “If the US Postal Service cycling team took performance enhancing drugs, why don’t we give it to postal carriers?

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Races, great and otherwise.

May 22, 2011

 

Another reason to love horse racing. Animal Kingdom barely lost in his bid to win the Preakness, the second race in the Triple Crown. And so far he hasn’t blamed his trainer, his jockey, the track, the starting gate…..

In fact, (bad pun alert), Animal Kingdom didn’t even claim his mother was a nag.

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Herman Cain today entered the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I think I speak for most Americans when I say “Who?”

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Meanwhile, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels just announced he is NOT running for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. Apparently based on his competition, Daniels decided he did not have quite the combination of hubris and insanity required to run.

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The first in a series?  You know you’re really a fan of the 2011 Giants when…

When someone tells you Tim Lincecum threw a three-hitter today, and your first response is “Did he win?”

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Aflac has now announced an agreement to sponsor the Heisman trophy. Wonder if the company will offer free supplemental salary insurance for each year’s winners when they wash out in the NFL.

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NFL players, who are already suing league for alleged antitrust violations, have again urged the appeals court to lift the lockout, and likened the league to a “cartel.” This prompted a response for an immediate apology. From OPEC.

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The UConn men’s basketball program is losing two scholarships for the upcoming season as a result of a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. Apparently for starters, most of the team couldn’t spell “Academic Performance Rating.”

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Meanwhile, It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

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Although had the world ended Saturday, Cubs fans all over would have been going “We could have been contenders.”

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Sad but true from TC in Canada:   A good number of Canucks fans made the trek to SJ HP Pavillion for game 3 of the Western final. All were advised to purchase the new “LA Dodger Fan Encounter” Insurance available for trips to Calif.

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The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine….

May 21, 2011

It’s officially Rapture day in most of the U.S. and we’re still alive. (If the world has come to an end by sunrise, please disregard this post.)

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Nationals 17 – Orioles 5. Really, 17?! Redskins fans are jealous.

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Good news for San Jose hockey fans tonight. To paraphrase Woody Allen, what we no longer appear to have here are dead Sharks.

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The companies behind “The Governator”, an animated series starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a superhero, said the project is officially on hold. What’s next, an adult cartoon called “The Impregnator”?

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Schwarzenegger’s potential future public service announcement?  “It’s 10pm, do you know how many children you have?”

Air Tahiti Nui is offering a “kids fly free” promotion where a one child can get a free ticket when accompanied by a paying adult.  What a great opportunity for Hugh Hefner to save money on his honeymoon.

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Now former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been released from jail on 1 million dollars bail with 24-hour home confinement at a Manhattan apartment in an undisclosed location. Am guessing that apartment doesn’t have maid service.

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Ashton Kutcher may have won a role in CBS’s “Two and a half men.” But ESPN is thinking about making a short documentary with the same title – about the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs.

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Charlie Weis apparently received over a $6 million severance bonus, and is still being paid by Notre Dame through 2015. Is his middle name “JaMarcus?”

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The Cubs played at Fenway Park Friday for the first time in 93 years. How long ago was that? Why, Jamie Moyer was just a batboy.

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Kareem Adbul-Jabbar is annoyed that the Lakers don’t have a statue of him in front of Staples Center.  Some Lakers fans would say that if Kareem wants to see a statue, he should look at himself the last couple years allegedly playing defense.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “There is a new posthumous Osama bin Laden video. Osama needs another video like he needs a hole in the head.”

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And Augie and Keith point out that Track, Sarah Palin’s oldest, if he believed in the Rapture, would want to get laid, then married.  Not that I expect one of Sarah’s children to quote poetry, but yes, kind of does put a new spin on that “If we had but world enough and time, this coyness lady were no crime” line from Andrew Marvell..

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Rapture day?

May 20, 2011

 

Sarah Palin’s oldest son was married on Saturday.  Wonder when the baby is due?

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Although not accusing Track Palin of believing that “end of the world” stuff. On the other hand, if you did believe in the rapture, wouldn’t you as a young man want to get married and get laid first?

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If the world really does end today at least Cubs fans will die with this year’s illusions intact.

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Reviewers say the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ultimately a boring two hours where in the end nothing interesting really happens. And this is different from the first three movies how?

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Donald Trump just backed out of a commitment to be the scheduled keynote speaker at major Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa next month, infuriating the head of the state party. What was he thinking quitting like that? Maybe the Donald’s real goal is to run for vice president.

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The Miami Heat television play-by-play announcer was interviewed on KNBR Thursday  morning talking about the team. And he said people just don’t realize how much these stars “sacrificed” to play together, in terms of how many millions they could have gotten in contracts from other teams. Great, does that mean any potential championship parade will also include a fundraiser for these poor guys?

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Meghan McCain came to her father’s defense this week saying “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Calls came for an immediate apology, from Jersey Shore.

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train after she allegedly talked for 16 hours on her cellphone from California to Portland. Once cellphones are allowed on flights, will the emergency exit be available for that purpose?

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“What were they thinking?” award of the week to United Airlines, for reinstating flight numbers 93 (which passengers helped bring down in Pennsylvania), and 175  (which crashed into the World Trade Center)  United has now apologized and said this was a mistake. The airline has changed the flight numbers and said it won’t happen again. It’s this kind of attention to detail that has made the airline industry so profitable over the years.

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Yes, he said it. Newt Gingrich, now complaining about the use of his interview on “Meet the Press” said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood because I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.” (Hmm, wonder if Arnold took his wedding vows on a Sunday.)

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Oh baby.

May 18, 2011

 Pakistan’s leaders are still facing allegations that they had to know about Bin Laden’s presence, which they deny. Their rejoinder today? “Hey, no one in your goverment and or even your media knew about Schwarzenegger’s ‘love child.'”

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It turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest sons – by different women – were born days apart – September 28 and October 2, 1997. You know, some men keep busy in January by watching football and maybe skiiing.

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But come on folks, everyone can’t believe why Arnold went to his relatively plain looking housekeeper for sex when he was a big celebrity married to a beautiful woman. In the words of Maureen Dowd when the Clinton-Monica story broke – “Men are lazy, they go for the closest doughnut on the plate.”

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Some say the reason there is no male birth control pill is that it’s too expensive.  Although as Arnold can no doubt tell  us, so is the alternative…

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The happiest people in Los Angeles right now about Schwarzenegger’s love-child? The Lakers and Frank McCourt. At least temporarily they’re not the most embarrassing stories in town.

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And somewhere, Tiger Woods is thinking, it could be worse….

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From my friend Ben Pesta,  who said his friend Laurie Werner, of New York, wrote: “On June 10th, it’s ‘Jorge Posada figurine night’ at the Stadium. Guess he has to stay in the lineup until then.” I answered that they should put the figurine in the lineup; it’s hitting better ….”

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Speaking of which, the Giants’ Mark DeRosa is on the DL. Which means for the next two weeks he’ll get as many hits as he got the last two weeks.

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More cheers than boos when Cody Ross hit a 3-run home run in the top of the ninth at Dodger Stadium. Of course, it’s the ninth inning, there are more Giants fans left than Dodgers fans.

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Minnesota Timberwolves president David Kahn, who commented about the NBA lottery being fixed, now says he was joking and it was “simply fate” that the Cavaliers got the first pick. He made this statement after commissioner David Stern said if he didn’t take it back, the league would make sure the Timberwolves NEVER got a good pick.

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Possible knucklehead comment of the week in a crowded field -from Rick Santorum: John McCain “doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works.”

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On the other hand, count on Sir Charles (Charles Barkley) for a direct statement regarding gay athletes: “It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say: ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”

(I’m thinking right about now Kobe Bryant might have gone for a whole bench of gay players instead of his teammates in round two.)

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If the world is really going to end on May 21, does that mean that no one should skip dessert on the 20th?

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The Father of Cali-foh-nee-yah?

May 18, 2011

A reminder that it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just think how many comedy writers were crying yesterday when Trump dropped out of the race because of all the lost material. Thank you Arnold.

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Could it be that Schwarzenegger was taking the idea about changing the “born in the U.S” rule for the Presidency seriously?    Was Arnold just trying to show he could be the Father of our Country?

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Or while Schwarzengger’s defense be that he was just trying to fit in with being a Kennedy?

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Well, now we know why Arnold wasn’t one of those Republicans who came out trying to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood.

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Donald and Arnold both are making headlines this week. Trump because he pulled out early, Schwarzenegger, oh come on, I don’t even need to finish this line….

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First Meg Whitman, now Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is it some sort of requirement for Republicans who want to be governor of California that you have to screw your maid?

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Over-under on how long it will take Gloria Allred to call a press conference with Arnold’s baby-mama?

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And poor  Donald Trump. He must have thought that his withdrawal from the Presidential race would at least dominate the political-late night news cycle for 24 hours….

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While Donald Trump has left the Presidential race, it’s not from lack of confidence. As he said “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” Even Cubs fans are saying “This guy is delusional.”

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Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan, who wants to change Medicare to an insurance subsidy, says he will not run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Herb Kohl. Ryan stated on his website that he “can have a bigger impact by remaining in his current position.” Translation, even he knows he doesn’t have a prayer of winning.

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Financial disclosures show Newt Gringrich and/or his latest wife at one point owed as much as a half million dollars to Tiffany’s. Hey, as Newt will no doubt tell us, all the results of that passionate patriotism could get expensive.

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Mitt Romney has a new campaign video, and it features actress-model Cindy Crawford. Wait, wasn’t Mitt supposed to be the substantive one?

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Reader Berney reports from British Columbia that there were so many rainouts in the U.S. today that Canadians were subjected to watching the Yankees.  Yeah, Berney, welcome to the American world.

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There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

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Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

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While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

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A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

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An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

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While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

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The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

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Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

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Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

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First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

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One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

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Uh, congrats, but where’s the hair?

May 16, 2011

The happy graduate is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who was drafted out of USC in 2003, but hadn’t graduated. He went back last semester and completed his degree. In history.

(And yes, that’s not a typo.  History.  That means reading real books, with small print. and probably lots of them.  But what DID he do with the hair??  If he cut it for real, instead of putting it in some sort of bun, does that mean he’s sure there won’t be a season anytime soon?  Hair doesn’t grow back THAT fast….)

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In the NHL playoffs, before you think all Canadian fans (as in fans of the Flames, Leafs, Canadiens etc) are rooting for the Canucks against the San Jose Sharks, consider this line from Bruce Arthur of the (Canada) National Post: The notion that all Canadian hockey fans should root for the last remaining member of the club, is like asking the relatives of gang members killed in a six-gang war to root for the last gang standing.”

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Song lyric of the weekend after Oklahoma City won game seven in their playoff series against Memphis, and Tampa Bay won game one against Boston:

“The Thunder Rolls, and the Lightnin’ Strikes….

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An American Airlines flight had to return to Phoenix today after reported light smoke in the cabin. Yeah, some of those pilots just can’t break the habit of having a cigarette when they drink.

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Jorge Posada apologized to New York fans, a day after he quit on the team, and against the Red Sox no less.  (Posada withdrew from the lineup when he was slotted ninth in the batting order.)

No word on whether Yankee fans and his teammates will forgive the quitting.  But Posada WAS named an honorary Los Angeles Laker.

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Murray Handwerker, son of Nathan, and the man who turned Nathan’s Famous hot dogs into a national name, died at the age of 89. Murray attributed his long life to never eating his own product.

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Despite Mike Huckabee’s withdrawal, the GOP presidential race still will have at least seven dwarfs. And no doubt we can count on the future nominee being snow white.

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Newt Gingrich says he should be judged by “what I can do for America now, rather than the past.” Which he doesn’t want to talk about. Then Newt introduced his campaign manager, Mark McGwire.

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Gingrich also said that he isn’t going to be the GOP’s vice presidential candidate. Guess Newt figures he’s no Sarah Palin, as the only thing he quits halfway through are his marriages.

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From Marc Ragovin:

Mike Huckabee said that his decison not to run for president was neither political nor financial, but rather spiritual.  As in he realized, he didn’t have a prayer of winning

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Games of the weak.

May 15, 2011

 Let’s see, who was on the the Fox MLB Game of the Week this Saturday?   And who’s on the ESPN Sunday Night Game of the Week?  Red Sox-Yankees. I am shocked, shocked….

The Giants’ Miguel Tejada, hitting just under .200, and about .150 with runners in scoring position,  had a bat fly out of his hands and land in the stands at Wrigley Field Saturday.  Pretty valuable souvenir.  As the bat was basically unused.

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Pete Rose still wants to get back into baseball. And said “I want to be a manager, that’s the only role.” In fact, he’s so sure he could get a team into the playoffs he’d offer any team who hires him double or nothing.

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Chad Billingsley of the Los Angeles Dodgers threw a one-hitter tonight, and lost. Okay, let’s be honest ,San Francisco Giants fans, the way the bats are going didn’t you think the first one to do that this year would be Madison Bumgarner or Matt Cain?

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The Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Boston Bruins in game one of the NHL Eastern Conference finals. If the Lightning end up in the Stanley Cup finals against the Vancouver Canucks, television stations in the U.S. may wish they were airing something more enticing to the average American viewer, like replays of Major League Soccer.

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Former NHL player and ESPN hockey analyst Matthew Barnaby spent the night in jail and pleaded not guilty Saturday to domestic violence charges stemming from an argument with his estranged wife. Many sports fans were shocked – ESPN has a hockey analyst?

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Great stat from SF Giants beat writer Henry Schulman: The Giants were the first MLB team EVER to sweep a homestand of six games or more without scoring four runs or more in any game.

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A North Carolina man was released from jail after a state lab discovered that an enzyme found in cheese had triggered false drug test results. Look for a whole new crop of professional athletes to appear in “Got Milk?” ads.

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Michael Vick has accepted an invitation from a group of five Philadelphia schools for “at-risk” youth to be their commencement speaker. Assume the Eagles quarterback won’t tell them that it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world out there.

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Newt Gingrich says Obama is a “food-stamp” president. Just wonder, if it were up to Newt with alimony, how many of his former wives would be on food stamps?

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You can’t make this up…

May 14, 2011

Once again, some realities top any potential punchline:

Ochocino,  tweeting about his prospective bull riding adventure:

“The real question is not how long I can last on the bull but how long the bull can last with me riding him or her.”

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And yes, baseball players are superstitious, and as such usually don’t like no-hitters or even streaks mentioned.  And maybe they have a point:

The San Francisco Chronicle mentioned today in a sidebar, that Giants’ relievers had not allowed a run in 22 innings.  So what happened at Wrigley Field today?  Three relievers combined to allow eight runs, in less than two innings.

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Not to say that a lot of fans who turn into the playoffs don’t pay regular attention to NBA basketball, but apparently some folks are eager to see the Heat-Bulls series because they want to see how Lebron James matches up with Michael Jordan.

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The Grizzlies rallied today to force game seven against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Memphis fans are thrilled, they haven’t had a professional team like this in town since John Calipari was coaching the Tigers.

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Fans in Seattle had mixed feelings watching tonight’s NBA playoff game, as their former Super Sonics,  now the Oklahoma City Thunder,almost advanced to the Western Conference finals.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if when the Super Sonics left, they had taken the Mariners with them.

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The Giants are in first place, so we shouldn’t complain. BUT….. Getting awfully tired of “-fill-in-name-of-journeyman-pitcher-with-high-ERA- struck out a season-high today against San Francisco.” stories. (Rick Dempsey?! Really?)

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Katie Couric’s last day as CBS news anchor will be May 19, about two weeks before her five year contract is over. “Just another liberal who didn’t know how to take the courageous road and quit halfway through” sniffed Sarah Palin.

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Meanwhile,  Meghan McCain let Glenn Beck have it for his nasty comments about her looks. My favorite line from her response  “I mean, if you’re too conservative and outrageous for Fox, that should tell you something. ” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain.

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Congressman Ron Paul of Texas Friday announced his third run for the Presidency. Paul says he’s “optimistic” about his chances and that his “supporters are enthusiastic.” Of course we hear the same thing every year from the manager of the Cubs.

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QB Tate Forcier, who left Michigan after he was declared academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, has changed his mind about transferring to Miami. Forcier now will not become a Hurricane because of what a source told the AP were “undisclosed personal matters.” Possible translation, did they expect him to go to class?

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From Marc Ragovin of New York   “An article in today’s paper said that a revamped Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark has reopened, although some glitches remain. I’ll say. In Act III Peter Parker gets shot in the eye by a Navy Seal.”

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Tacky time, again:

May 13, 2011

Tacky time: Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship today after nine holes. Hmm, had he only stopped after nine holes a few years ago, Tiger’s image and marriage might still be intact.

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About that “good pitching beating good hitting” and “good hitting beating good pitching “stuff: 

The San Francisco Giants scored 18 runs on their entire six game home stand. And won all six games against the Rockies and D’Backs. The San Diego Padres scored 19 runs in their last two games, and split one-one with the Brewers.

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Mitt Romney said in a USA Today editorial that his first act as President would be to get rid of ObamaCare. Actually the simplest way to do that would be to rename the program RomneyCare, because it’s so similar to what Mitt did in Massachusetts.

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Uh, regarding this whole Bin Laden death photos controversy: Does anyone really think the U.S. has the power to get Osama’s family (saying this was a “criminal act”), and Al Qaida (vowing revenge), into this conspiracy? Really, faking a moon landing would be easier.

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Former San Francisco Giant Kevin Frandsen was suspended 50 games for testing positive for a PED. But the drug was Ritalin. Considering that over 100 major leaguers have gotten an ADHD diagnosis to LEGALLY take Ritalin, this may have been less a suspension for performance enhancing than for stupidity.

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The Green Bay Packers say they will retire Brett Favre’s number 4 as soon as they are sure their former quarterback has retired. So expect the ceremony sometime around 2025.

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Is it a requirement to run for President as a Republican in 2012 that you have to have an complicated marital history? Apparently Mitch Daniel’s wife, Cheri, actually left her husband, and her four daughters ages 8 to 14, and married another man in California. She returned after a few years, and remarried Daniel’s in 1997.

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Meghan McCain filmed a skin cancer public service announcement in what she said was a “strapless juicy tube dress.” Although it appears as if she is naked. I think we can get bipartisan agreement on being glad that it was Meghan and not her father doing the ad.

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The top Republican on the Senate Armed Services Committees is insisting that enhanced interrogation techniques were not a factor in the discovery of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts….  Next let’s see GOP leaders try to discredit John McCain as a biased liberal.

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Shark attack – or attacked?

May 12, 2011

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

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In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

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Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

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Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

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And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

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Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

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Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

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Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

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Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

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The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

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Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

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A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

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Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

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A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

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Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

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