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Shades of red?

March 27, 2013

So are color-blind people wondering why Facebook suddenly has all these green rectangles?

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27 in a row without losing. Well, it was a nice streak for the #MiamiHeat. Curiously enough that’s probably the same streak Tiger Woods had with waitresses.

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Poster held by a man in support of gay marriage  “If Liza Minnelli can marry two gay men why can’t I marry one?”

Guess it would be un-PC to suggest that Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes could also both marry a gay man.

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Former USC star Matt Barkley apparently had a good day throwing in front of NFL scouts. So looks like NFL fans will get a chance to be disappointed by another Trojan quarterback.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   “A report claims a gay NFL player is considering coming out, but he is concerned about the reaction from homophobic fans. The NFL fans should be fine with a gay player. This is a sport with skin-tight pants, shoulder pads, tight-ends, eye-makeup, touchdown dances and stylish headwear.”

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The Scottish government has decided to ignore threats from Donald Trump and build 11 giant wind turbines off their east coast. Trump says they will spoil the view from his new golf course. But maybe he’s really worried that the turbines will blow away the furry thing that lives on his head.

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Phil Jackson is now on Twitter. Guess he decided in view of California’s environmental laws to switch from smoke signals.

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Kay Hagan of North Carolina is the latest senator to announce her support for gay marriage. Will the last Democrat to decide to join the party please turn on the light for the GOP senators left in the dark?

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Metta World Peace is the latest Los Angeles Lakers player to be injured, and will miss at least six weeks with knee surgery. It’s not just disappointing their fans, this year’s Lakers are really adding to taxpayer costs for Medicare.

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Tim McCarver says he will retire from the broadcast booth after calling this year’s World Series. And across America, folks are thinking, why wait so long, enjoy the summer with your family….

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Actress Jessica Brown Findlay (Lady Sybil on Downton Abbey) said in an interview she regrets going topless in 2011 movie “Albatross.” In related news, downloads of the movie “Albatross” have increased 1000%.

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So one issue with same-sex marriage for some is the fact that gay couples can’t “naturally” procreate. Anyone but me hoping that at least a few gay children have been born to the Duggars?

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Stanford football coach David Shaw says that one thing he looks for in a recruit is a good vocabulary. SEC coaches respond that they are raising their own standards, and now have a few recruits who can spell “vocabulary.”

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Really? Boston College is demanding an end to student-run “Safe Sites”, where students distribute condoms out of their dorm rooms, saying it’s a “violation of the school’s Roman Catholic values.” Thinking at the point of going to a “Safe Site”, condoms would result in the least possible Catholic “values” being violated.

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Crimes and misdemeanors.

August 17, 2012

UNC has admitted that an internal probe found that over 54 classes, which were compused of more of half athletes, were either ” aberrant” or “irregularly” taught from 2007-2011.  Wonder if the Tarheels’  defense will be that they were hoping to apply for membership in the SEC.

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Dismissed LSU star Tryann Mathieu is now apparently in rehab. Well, if this football stuff doesn’t work out he has a potential real future in politics.

 

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This season, the NFL will require any fans who get ejected for bad behavior to take a 4-hour online course before they are allowed back into the stadiums again. 4 hours? Sounds like about as much time as many NFL players spent on their courses in college.

 

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Rudy Guiliani said that Joe Biden “has become a laugh line on late night television.” Interesting quote from a guy who is no longer relevant enough to be a “laugh line” on late night television.

 

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Here’s more of the quote from Rudy:   ““But I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. … There’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it.  I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. People think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually, he’s just not very smart.”

Amazing,  might be the longest statement Rudy’s ever made without mentioning 9/11.

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Apparently customs in Los Angeles seized a $18 million (!!) shipment of fake Louboutins from China. Just figured I’d post something that most of my men friends are as clueless about as SOME women say they are about the sports posts.

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Donald Trump, asked about Obama’s popularity with women said “Maybe (they) don’t know him. Maybe they don’t get what is going on.” Uh, really? On the other hand most women DO know that the Donald is an egotistical a**hole.

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A giant sculpture known as “Touchdown Jesus” near Cincinnati that burned to the ground in 2010 is being replaced by a new “Hug Me, Jesus.”. The new figure has arms outstretched rather than raised high. Guess they figured touchdowns in Bengals country were unrealistic.

Laura Townsend said the old one looked like it was surrendering… so maybe it referred to the Bengals and local police?

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Mitt Romney says he paid “at least 13% in taxes” for the last 10 years.  And why should Americans doubt anything a politician says?

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Jennifer Granholm,  forbidden ffrom ever running for President due to her being born in Vancouver,  with one of the more succinct statements on Mitt Romney and his taxes:  “I hate to get all Jerry Maguire on him but show me the money!”

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From my friend Gary Bachman:   Alex Rodriguez has listed his Miami home for $38 million. The home boasts nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 426 mirrors.

 

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Missed it by that much?

August 14, 2012

A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?

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In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.

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Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.

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Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.”  Not to be outdone,  Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”

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Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.

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Okay gentle and not-gentle readers,  let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?

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Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210” episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?

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No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”

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The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?

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Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.

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Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…

(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)

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Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?

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Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

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A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

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The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

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Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” –

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George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. –

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Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” –

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A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? –

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Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

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The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? –

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The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

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Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  –

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The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

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Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

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Stumbling towards the weekend.

December 10, 2011

Penn State’s “Office of Licensing Programs” issued a letter to vendors saying effective immediately “Penn State will no longer approve any designs featuring Mr. Paterno’s name, likeness, and/or image.” Shame when the abuse allegations first came to light that the university wasn’t so quick to sever all ties to Jerry Sandusky.

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Rick Perry’s latest math gem – referring to the “eight unelected and frankly unaccountable judges” on the Supreme Court. Well, to be fair, nine is a much bigger number than three.

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Perry also referred to Supreme Court justice Sonya Sotomayor as “Montemayor.” Who knew, in a few short years another Texas governor would make George W. look articulate.

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A lot of controversy now over whether Browns QB Colt McCoy should have been allowed back in the game after a helmet on helmet hit from the Steelers James Harrison. Some say now that McCoy wasn’t coherent. But that never stopped Terry Bradshaw.

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Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, in criticizing the proposed Chris Paul to the Lakers trade said “When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?”

Actually, Gilbert was wrong. 16 NBA teams make the playoffs every year. We should only consider changing the name of 14 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals.

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UCLA forward Reeves Nelson has now been dismissed from the team. This for bad behavior during his second suspension from the team this year. (And missing a team flight to Maui.) So Nelson’s punishment? Not playing for a team that is second from last in the Pac-12, and hanging out playing pickup games until the NBA draft. Rough.

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Men’s Health magazine declared the “Hottest Woman of all Time” to be…. Jennifer Aniston. Okay, now maybe as a straight woman I’m not a good judge, but most of my male friends didn’t even think Jennifer Aniston was the hottest woman on “Friends.”

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In threatening to cancel his debate, Donald Trump said he was particularly upset with Michele Bachmann for dropping out, because she’d come to see him four times and he had helped promote her as a candidate. Said the Donald, it’s actually called “loyalty.” Interesting choice of words from a man who’s been married 3 times.

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Jon Stewart said “Thank you, Jesus” when he heard about Donald Trump moderating a debate. Now Trump may cancel the debate because only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are participating. Guess Jesus figured we needed to be satisfied with Tim Tebow.

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A woman was arrested in a Tulsa Walmart, allegedly for trying to mix meth using chemicals she found in the store. Was she busted for doing something illegal, or for potentially undercutting Walmart’s meth prices?

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Ohio State still awaits word on possible football sanctions for “failure to monitor” their program. But OSU did get a NCAA special waiver to let incoming coach 2012 Urban Meyer begin recruiting. (Otherwise he would put them over the limit of allowed coaches.) This gives the Buckeyes a nice head start over teams with coaches in bowl games. Can’t imagine how the NCAA gets the image of favoring big conferences.

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So maybe we should talk about NBA players wearing helmets? Golden State Warriors guard Charlie Bell was jailed for several hours yesterday when he showed up for a court hearing legally drunk. The hearing was for his DUI case. (Really. You cannot make this “stuff” up.)

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Kim Kardashian’s had a special “limited edition” (only 1000 bottles produced) LOVE perfume created for her wedding. Now the fragrance is part of a holiday gift set at Macy’s. Guess the “limited” part was as real as the marriage.

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Occupy Wall Street members in New York staged a protest that shut down production of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” Wonder how long it will take for the show to write an episode about it.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tom Cruise wants to make a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ 25-years later; in this one Cruise shakes his fist at the bogeys and yells; “Slow down, punks, this is a neighborhood.”

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Follow up thoughts.

Does Cruise scream “I feel the need, for a pee?

or “You punks get off my tarmac?”

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Not so great debate?

December 9, 2011

Rick Perry became the latest GOP presidential contender to opt out of Trump’s debate. Had he stayed in, the Donald would have had three confirmed candidates. And three is not a number Perry feels comfortable with.

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The only candidates confirmed for the Trump debate are Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Of course, most people think that in the big picture Gingrich is really taking on Mitt Romney. And given Newt’s history of “flexibility” on his positions, maybe Gingrich can use the time to debate himself.

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Trump’s debate is scheduled for December 27. At this point it may end up as eagerly anticipated as the Clippers’ season opener.

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In honor, or maybe I should say “dishonor” of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, Spirit Airlines is having a “seat selling” sale, of $14 one-way fares from Chicago to seven cities. Of course what they don’t say, if you take advantage of their “seat-selling” you may end up feeling somewhat “confined.”

(Of course, if they really wanted to emulate Blagojevich, maybe Spirit should be trying to sell the same seat to several different people.)

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Kris Humphries will be baking cookies Friday morning on “Good Morning, America.” Wonder how long it will take one of the Kardashians to say it’s all about self-promotion?

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Newt Gingrich’s sister has backed President Obama for re-election. Nice timing, just after any potential family Thanksgiving dinners.

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Jerry Sandusky’s wife just said that her husband is innocent of the all child sex abuse allegations against him and that all his accusers are making up their stories. Proving once again, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

(my friend Jim McCann asks “How long would Jerry pause when asked, “Are you still attracted to your wife?”)

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People Magazine is reporting that Michelle Duggar has miscarried her 20th child. Sounds like even God is saying “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

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The Duggars are enough to make even Tim Tebow consider an ad for Planned Parenthood.

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Something no one thought we would hear on sports talk radio in 2011 – discussions of whether the 49ers should rest Alex Smith to keep him healthy and in good shape for the playoffs.

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New Democratic ad: “We’re going to close the unproductive tax loopholes that have allowed some of the truly wealthy to avoid paying their fair share. They sometimes made it possible for millionaires to pay nothing, while a bus driver was paying 10% of his salary – and that’s crazy. Do you think the millionaire ought to pay more in taxes than the bus driver?” Quoting that noted liberal Ronald Reagan.

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Albert Pujols had indicated he liked St. Louis, but might want to be closer to his family in the Dominican Republic. Guess the Angels gave him 254 million good reasons to try California.

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Now that Pujols has signed for $254 million, wonder how Angels pitcher Jared Weaver feels about having given the team that “hometown discount” of a five year $85 million contract.

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Rumors that the Rangers now may go after Prince Fielder in response to the Angels’ signing of Albert Pujols. This could end up being a good off-season for the Cubs after all.

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Apparently Barack has remembered where he put his cajones. Republican candidates Bachmann, Gingrich, Santorum and Romney accused him in a forum Wednesday of being engaged in a foreign policy of “appeasement.” The President’s response -“Ask Osama bin Laden.

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.Mistakes were made, but only minor ones by me.

July 16, 2011

Rupert Murdoch is now in full apology mode, less than a day after insisting his company had made only “minor mistakes” in handling the hacking crisis. Rupert may lose much of his newspaper empire over this, but he has been offered a position as spokesman for BP.

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As the Murdoch empire phone-hacking scandal grows, Rebekah Brooks finally lost her job as chief executive of News International when she was forced to resign today. “What a shame” said absolutely nobody.

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Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus is now denying that his Christian counseling business tries to “cure” gays of homosexuality. Guess that means they better stop referring privately to some clients as the “formerly fabulous.”

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So the Yankees have been beaten soundly twice by the Blue Jays – 16 to 7, and 7 to 1. Open note to New York players: The All Star game is over, you can start showing up.

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Now it turns out that Jim Tressel, formerly of that squeakly clean reputation, had been rated “unacceptable” in 2005-06 by Ohio State for “compliance issues,” and had a letter of reprimand only six months after he took the coaching job. Guess he and the school were doing a good job playing it close to the vest.

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Jennifer Lopez is single again; she and Marc Anthony have announced their separation. Which means for most American men, they have about as much chance as getting together with her as they did when she was off the market.

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No explanation given for the J-Lo and Marc Anthony split. But I’m sure some publication will soon offer a “behind” the scene report.

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Another in the “And we wonder why other countries hate us” department: At the Trump hotel in Las Vegas, they are now offering couples massages for dogs and their owners for $150 for 30 minutes.

(Said my friend Alex Kaseberg – Trump thought of this when he and that thing on his head enjoyed a couples massage.)

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And from my funny friend Jim Barach:  Tiger Woods says he will play in a rescheduled match for charity in August. Of course, playing for Charity is what got Tiger in trouble. Along with playing for Destiny, Cinnamon and all the other strippers he was dating.

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Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is saying he can no longer keep up the payments on seven of the properties that his ex-wife Jamie got in the divorce, saying she doesn’t need them anyway. I believe this will be known as the “A plague on all your houses” strategy.

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And Angelinos like to say San Franciscans are wimps. “Carmageddon?” Come on, dudes, deal with it. Not even as bad as a decent-sized earthquake. And with advance notice.

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Caught up in the rapture…

May 24, 2011

Jorge Posada, making about $13 million a year and batting .182, was upset when Yankees manager Joe Girardi dropped him to ninth in the batting order. Why did Girardi do it? Because he couldn’t bat Posada tenth.

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The Oakland preacher who claimed the world would end May 21 appeared in his radio office today to stand by his prediction.   But he now claims he miscalculated, and the event will  actually be October 21. 

Just wondering, if he was so sure May 21 was the day, why did he pay rent for his office beyond that?

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October 21?  So it looks like Cubs fans will be deprived yet again of a World Series title.

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From Marc Ragovin: Well the good news is that the world didn’t end on Saturday. On the other hand, we still have New Jersey.

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The Cincinnati Reds sent Edinson Volquez, their opening day starter, to the minors. Volquez was 3-2 with a 6.35 ERA in 10 starts. But maybe the Reds should have considered a trade; with those kind of number Volquez could be this year’s ace on the Minnesota Twins.

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Pretty clear now that when Arnold Schwarzenegger said “I’ll be back,” what he meant was “I’ll be the back end of a horse.”

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Willie Brown said today in the SF Chronicle, that he told Arnold Schwarzenegger last week that he hadn’t let the public down -“You did exactly what I or anybody else would have done, which is do your best to protect your family.” Uh, Willie, doing his best to protect his family would have been not getting the housekeeper pregnant at the same time as his wife in the first place.

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Apparently Donald Trump said on Fox News today that he might change his mind and re-enter the Presidential race. Apparently he wants to challenge Mitt Romney for that all important “flip-floppers” vote.

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The songwriter who wrote “You Light Up My Life” apparently committed suicide while awaiting trial on multiple rape charges. Were the charges not enough to get him a probable life sentence, prosecutors might have added an enhancement for writing such a maddening song that is still impossible to get out of your head.

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Barbara Stuart, who played, amongst other character roles, Mrs. Rex Kramer in Airplane, has died at the age of 81. Her last words allegedly were “Down, Shep. Shep, no.”

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There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

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Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

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While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

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A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

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An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

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While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

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The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

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Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

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Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

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First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

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One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

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Front page news

May 4, 2011

 

Just a couple days ago, pundits were wondering if the world media was so focused on the royal newlyweds that they would have to live out their first weeks of marriage on the front page.

So to President Obama, William and Kate send the message “Well handled, sir. Well handled.”

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Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York’s ground zero. “I’ll come, I’ll come.” said Rudy Guiliani.

This may only make sense to Giants fans, but…. So since they buried Osama Bin Laden at sea after they shot him, does it count as a Splash Hit?

Meanwhile, former Giants minor leaguer Francisco Liriano just threw a no-hitter. A 1-0 win for the Twins. Probably just as well San Francisco traded him. The way things are going these days Liriano would have had a nine inning no-decision.

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The Oakland A’s stadium is now known as “Overstock.com” stadium, after the online seller of surplus merchandise bought the naming rights. Considering there were about 9,000 fans in the stands yesterday for an afternoon day game, it’s time for Overstock.com to start selling A’s tickets.

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Rumor this morning – Brian Sabean asked the Navy Seals if they would consider trying to help revive the Giants’ bats. The Seals commander said they try to stay away from impossible missions.

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Actually both the Giants and Mets were struggling offensively, but combined today for 10 runs in the first six innings, and chased both (number 5) starters. Proving, I suppose, that while good pitching will beat good hitting,  really bad pitching can’t even beat bad hitting.

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Why workers go postal. Overheard this morning in the local post office. Woman (loudly) “I asked for the largest flat rate priority mail box.” Clerk, (nicely)  “Mam, that is the largest box we have.” Woman (indignantly) “Are you sure? It looks MUCH larger in the poster.”

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Michele Bachman is now laughing off the mistake she made by saying the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hamphire, by saying “I promised I would never again use President Obama’s teleprompter.” Note to Michele, President Obama not only might catch such a mistake, but also his staff has been known actually to fact-check before loading the teleprompter.

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Trump cancelled an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, after he didn’t like a comment the host made. In a note to Letterman, Trump wrote he was “disappointed” in being called a racist, and added “In actuality there is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump.” Wonder why the Donald didn’t say “there is also nobody who is less of an egoist than Donald Trump”?

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If we had a parliamentary system of government, Prime Minister Obama would probably be calling for elections right now.

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Tweets and twitts.

May 3, 2011

Osama bin Laden’s last tweet? “Winning.”

What was more unlikely? The U.S finally getting Bin Laden? Or Kobe missing an open potential game-winning three-point shot?

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There was almost a “24” quality about this military action that killed Bin Laden. In fact, rumor has it that a line cut from Obama’s speech was “The mission took place between 1:00am and 2:00am.”

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A little perspective for a change. Just for one day at least, people in Cleveland have remembered there was a man they hated more than Lebron James.

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What a week. The stock market hits a three year high, Hawaii releases a long-form birth certificate, and the U.S. gets Bin Laden. Fox News is considering dedicating this week to a 24/7 recap of the Royal Wedding.

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Since he had already authorized the attack on Bin Laden, how did the President deliver this joke Saturday night with a straight face?

Talking about an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Obama said to Donald Trump – “You didn’t blame Lil’ Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir. Well handled.”

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Apparently the attack on bin Laden’s compound was originally scheduled for Saturday, but delayed due to bad weather. So not only did President Obama show off his comic timing at the White House Correspondent’s dinner, Barack also showed he would be great on “I’ve Got a Secret.”

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It’s after midnight in Washington,  D.C.  And both Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Osama bin Laden are still dead.

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The rumors that Sacramento would lose their NBA team turned out to be greatly exaggerated. Who’d a thunk the Kings would last longer than Osama bin Laden?

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from Marc Ragovin:  Did you hear how loudly the Phildadelphia fans cheered word of Bin Laden’s death? For a minute there they must have thought he was Santa Claus.

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Ohio State already has several players and coach Jim Tressel, suspended for five games over the selling memorabilia scandal. Now the school has announced that linebacker Dorian Bell has been suspended for the entire 2011 season for a violation of team rules. This came as a shock to Buckeyes fans – OSU has team rules?

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To be fair, Donald Trump did make a gracious statement today – “I want to personally congratulate President Obama and the men and women of the Armed Forces for a job well done. We should spend the next several days not debating party politics, but in remembrance of those who lost their lives on 9/11 and those currently fighting for our freedom.”

Possible translation “I can’t figure out how to take credit for this one.”

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Cover stories?

May 2, 2011

What a leader. Wonder if it will come out that our President had actionable info on Bin Laden a few days ago, but didn’t want to upstage the Royal Wedding?

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Wonder how long it will take Donald Trump to demand that the President produce Osama’s death certificate?

 You think you’ve had a long night? How’d you like to be an east coast editor who at around 11pm had just finished putting together the front page and first section of tomorrow’s newspaper?

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For that matter, think the oddsmakers in London and Las Vegas may have just adjusted the odds on Obama’s re-election.

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Meanwhile Donald Trump told NBC, remember how I said I was quitting Celebrity Apprentrice next year for a potential campaign? Can I get back to you on that?

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So much for the San Francisco Giants’ bats being the deadest thing in the news today.

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Good news, bad news. My friend and great comedy writer Jerry Perisho just announced he had May 1 in the Osama bin Ladin death pool. Alas, it may have been May 2 in Pakistan.

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Just posted on Craigslist? 

For rent: Large mansion outside Abbottabad, Pakistan. Available for immediate occupancy. Will be in good condition once some smoke damage cleaned up and a few bullet holes patched.

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Even the SI.com headline writer must have gotten a little excited. This is, at the time of posting, a headline as a “top story” on SI.com

Paulino, Phils top Mets in 14th

(Ronny Paulino just came off the DL, and made his second start of 2011, for the METS!  And yes, the Mets won 2-1 in 14. Which many New Yorkers found as hard to believe as the U.S. killing bin Laden.)

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Back to the lighter side:

“Glee” has been taking some heat from religious conservatives because of a pretty chaste kiss between two boys on the show. So where are all these conservatives during the “fantasy suites” episodes of the Bachelor/Bachelorette? (For the uninitiated, those are private “overnight dates” offered to the last three contestants in each season.)

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Donald Trump said after the White House Correspondents dinner that it was “inappropriate in certain respects,” and said he spent the evening thinking about how “the American people are really suffering and we’re all having a good time.” Then the Donald got in his private jet and flew home for the rest of his weekend.

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And congratulations to former Stanford pitcher Drew Storen, who picked up his fifth save of the year today against the SF Giants. Of course Storen always did look good against college level hitting.

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A stand-up president.

May 1, 2011

 President Obama told a number of self-deprecating jokes at the White House Correspondents dinner, including about his much-maligned use of a teleprompter. Although let’s be real, if Fox News covered George W. Bush using a teleprompter it would be to praise the President’s excellent reading skills.

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The Correspondents dinner is one of the best-attended media events in Washington. Why, there were probably reporters there from over 100 publications Sarah Palin’s never read.

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Text message tonight from Donald Trump to his staff – “find something to investigate about that little sh*t Seth Myers.” (Note to the Donald, at least try to fake being able to be the butt of jokes.)

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American Airlines is bringing back Happy Hour in May, with discounted alcoholic beverages for flights departing between 5p and 559p. American says the promotion has been a success in the past, both last December for passengers and earlier this year when they offered it to pilots.

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For casual baseball fans, if you’ve ever wondered what the term “effectively wild” meant, I give you these stats from today’s SF Giants 2-1 win over the Washington Nationals. Jonathan Sanchez walked or hit 7 of the first 10 batters he faced, Brian Wilson loaded the bases on two walks and a hit batter before ending the game on a strikeout.

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And San Francisco won the game on a bases loaded walk. These days that’s a Giants offensive explosion.

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Jim Harbaugh today on Alex Smith, the beleaguered quarterback he inherited as coach of the 49ers.“I strongly feel that Alex is going to be back here.” Guess Harbaugh really wants Andrew Luck with next year’s #1 draft pick.

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Another post-wedding thought: Katherine Middleton’s genes will help. But the British coinage and stamps will also all be more attractive some day because Charles waited to marry Camilla until AFTER he had children.

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And the wedding apparently cost about $82 million. For the boost to the British economy, in terms of tourism and all the crap, er, high class souvenirs, they are selling, this isn’t a bad deal. Much more effective use of money than invading other countries, IMHO.

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The wedding and other post-mortems.

April 30, 2011

After the Royal Wedding, many men thought Friday morning  – “What a waste of time for a televised non-event… especially when the clips will be available on line…, why would any woman have bothered to watch live? Meanwhile, what time is ESPN’s coverage of day 2 of the NFL draft?”

As they played “God save the Queen/King” wonder if William whispered to Kate “Honey, they’re playing our song,”

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But on the occasion of William’s wedding the Spencer family wanted to make it clear they have no hard feelings towards Prince Charles. In fact when he entered Westminister Abbey with Camilla, Diana’s brother reportedly asked  Elton John to play a song – “The bitch is back.”

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So what would have happened if this man was the presidential or vice-presidential nominee ? Just before he was born, his father sent his mother to California to give birth because, as he explained, “My father had a complex about not having been born in the United States.” The boy was raised in Mexico City, and grew up to be… New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. (source Wikipedia)

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Not a good time for the Braves. First pitching coach Roger McDowell went on a homophobic rant to fans before a game in San Francisco, now pitcher Derek Lowe has been charged with drunken driving. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, Sherman was involved.

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Yellowstone park rangers issued three tickets to people walking ON Old Faithful geyser this week, after the tourists were caught on a webcam. (Old Faithful itself erupts with 204 degree water, and there is only a thin crust of earth covering boiling hot water in many places.) Wonder what percentage of the ticket revenue goes into a fund to cover the costs of Darwin awards.

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Donald Trump insisted, again, that the problem with oil prices is that we don’t have a leader who will simply tell them “you are not going to raise the ‘bleeping’ price.” Strong words from someone who turned down an ownership opportunity because he didn’t even think he could fix the Mets.

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MLB suspended White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen for two games because he argued balls and strikes and then complained about being ejected during the game. So I wonder, will his next tweet be a complaint about the fine?

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Well,  as many would have predicted last December, the lowly Carolina Panthers got a Stanford star in the draft. It was, however, DT Sione Fua with the 97th pick.

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And yes, it’s early in the season. But the Giants’ offense has been so hard to find in the last couple weeks that the teams’ batters may soon find their pictures on milk cartons.

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The San Jose Sharks win 2-1 in overtime despite being out shot 46-25 by the Red Wings. If Paul the Octopus wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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Weddings etc.

April 28, 2011

Think positive guys, any woman who stays up to watch the wedding will probably be too tired to fight you for the remote this weekend.

So who’s advertising during the Royal Wedding? My guess is we’re not going to see a lot of beer commercials and ads for Cialis.

Kate Middleton has the added appeal for Royal Wedding watchers of being a “commoner.” But in actually, she is a very unusual  British young woman. For starters, she still has all her teeth.

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This just in: Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate.

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And now that Donald Trump is “so proud” of himself with the Obama birth certificate issue, can he turn his powers to issues that are more important to a greater number of Americans? For example, why did Bud Selig have MLB take over the Dodgers but not the Mets?

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Meanwhile, Frank McCourt is battling the MLB takeover, saying  “Nobody handed the Dodgers to me, and nobody’s going to take it away.”

Yep, based on the financial documents that are coming out, the McCourts stole the team fair and square.

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Actually, maybe what McCourt should say is that his buying the Dodgers was at least as legitimate as Selig’s attempted oversight of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

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Apple now admits to having a locator tracker in their software. Who knew? All we might have needed to do was to send Osama Bin Laden a free iPhone.

The Lakers finished off the Hornets tonight. But who’d a thunk that at the very least New Orleans would have outlasted the Knicks. (And almost outlasted the Spurs.)

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Cam Newton #1. For the Panthers’ sake lets hope this doesn’t become a chapter in a book titled “Not-so-smart teams, Foolish choices.”

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from my son Carey, Newton is about to sign his second pro contract,

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Condoleezza Rice said today of Donald Rumsfeld that “he doesn’t know what he is talking about” and that “Don can be a grumpy guy.” Rumsfeld’s response? Well it might just be to quote Rice on George W. – that Bush’s “intelligence had simply failed to come across to the American people.”

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David Letterman tonight criticized Donald Trump’s questions about how Obama got into Harvard, and how he wrote his book. “It smacks of racism,” says Letterman. “Smack?” More like a full-on punch to the head.

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Teams are really desperate for QBs in this year’s NFL draft. How desperate? If Alex Smith was back in the draft he might even be a fourth or fifth rounder.

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Trump card?

April 28, 2011

 Donald Trump says “I am so proud of myself” for “forcing” Obama to release his birth certificate. So this is what we would have to look forward too with a Trump presidency? Spending a fortune to do something completely unnecessary while ignoring important issues? (Actually sounds like Reagan’s “invasion” of Grenada.)

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And really.  My stock response for years now on the Obama birth question. Okay, if you REALLY think there was a conspiracy and his birth certificate was faked, don’t you think the Clinton machne wouldn’t have unearthed it during the primary?

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Meanwhile, what happened to Trump’s claim that his investigators were “turning up interesting things?” Maybe that meant they have absolutely found the best Mai Tai in Honolulu?

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But now  that Obama has released his birth certificate,  will Trump really follow through and release his tax records. Or will the Democrats hold out for him releasing receipts from his hairdresser?

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Since the birth certificate thing didn’t work out, now Trump is suggesting Obama was a “terrible student, terrible,” and asked “How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard?” “Oh, STFU,” responded George W. Bush.

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At this point you almost have to wonder, is Donald Trump part of some perverse scheme to ensure the re-election of President Obama.  By assuring that no sane person will vote for the GOP candidate in 2012?

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That Obama birth certificate is really frustrating for a lot of conservatives. Now they need to come up with a new code phrase to say “It’s because he’s black.”

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Open note to all birthers. Fine, we admit it, President Obama was not born in the U.S. Barack was actually placed in a space capsule as a baby by his father Jor-el and sent to earth just before his home planet exploded.

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from my friend Alex Schubert:  A new survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don’t have relationships at all.

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And back to sports: The New York Mets are apparently $625 MILLION in the hole. Wow, that’s almost as much as the receipts from a sellout at Yankee Stadium.

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Former badboy Ron Artest was just named the winner of this year’s J . Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award, presented by the Professional Basketball Writers Association for outstanding service and dedication to the community. Artest will receive the actual award as soon as the writers can locate enough flying pigs for the ceremony.

 

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Will another “one” bite the dust?

April 26, 2011

The number one seed San Antonio Spurs are one loss away from being bounced out of basketball’s post season. Who do they think they are? The Pitt Panthers?

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Although really, the Spurs on the verge of elimination, and the Lakers are tied 2-2 in round one. Are we sure Butler isn’t somehow involved?

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Nice job by the Denver Nuggets to stave off elimination for at least one more game in the first round of the playoffs. Especially since it means the Nuggets have lasted longer without Carmelo Anthony than the Knicks did with him.

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And yeah, for the first team to be out of the NBA playoffs, and swept out at that, who had Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks? (And who outside of New York isn’t snickering just a little?)

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Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s one-time future son-in-law, is writing a book. In a statement he explained “I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah, and my perplexing fall from grace – how I feel and what I’ve learned, I’m doing this for me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

Well, that and the probable six figure (at least) advance he got.

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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour has announced he will not run for President in 2012. Wonder if this means he can’t find his birth certificate.

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New Orleans police arrested Los Angeles Lakers forward Derrick Caracter. He was charged with public drunkenness and shoving a pregnant cashier at a pancake restaurant. Looks like the Lakers are trying hard to take back the title from the Miami Heat of “America’s most hated team.”

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My friend Tony Banks says this is the first offensive move Caracter has made all season.

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The NCAA has sent a “notice of allegations” to OSU, accusing football coach Jim Tressel of lying and withholding information regarding his players’ accepting improper benefits. I see a “leaving the university I love for an NFL job to help my family” speech in Tressel’s future.

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Donald Trump has now publicly gone after both Jerry Seinfeld and Robert De Niro after they criticized his birther claims. Can’t wait to see what Trump says about the first celebrity who says he’s too thin-skinned to be president.

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Weddings and beyond….

April 23, 2011

Open note to single men claiming they can’t meet any women: try placing a Craigslist ad looking for a date to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Melania Trump, Donald’s third wife, is a former model and current jewelry designer. She was coy when a reporter asked what she would wear “if she were to attend an inauguration in 2013.” Of course, considering the Donald’s marriage history, it’s not a slam dunk Melania will be anywhere near him in 2013.

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After going 15-22 in three seasons with the Wolverines, former coach Rich Rodriguez told CBSSports.com that he thinks leaving West Virginia for Ann Arbor may have been a mistake. “May have been?” That sound you hear is a collective snicker from several million Michigan fans.

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A D.C. friend responded to me about a question regarding the NHL Washington Capitals -“I’m a casual fan, I root for them but I don’t watch them.” Think that describes a lot of people wearing teal in Northern California.

Despite the San Jose Sharks’ success to this point, tonight they learned why spotting your opponent a three-four goal head start is not universally accepted as a good strategy.

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A reporter interviewing LeBron James referred to Cleveland as “your city.” James’ response. “It wasn’t my city. It wasn’t my team either, I was just a player.” Wonder how many of the few remaining unburnt Lebron jerseys in Cleveland survived that comment.

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The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump “Only the little people vote in primary elections.”

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And anyone who doesn’t like sacrilegious attempts at  jokes stop reading now:

Happy Easter. When we all celebrate Jesus rising from the dead with a basket of chocolate eggs he distributed to all the good little boys and girls….right?

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And remember this, love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Big winds and other disasters.

April 23, 2011

The tornado that severely damaged St. Louis airport also forced the evacuation of Cardinal fans at Busch Stadium.  Apparently it was the fastest emptying of a baseball park since the last seventh inning stretch at Dodger Stadium.

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Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims “something hit me in the face,” during Dallas’s game three loss to the Portland Trail Blazers at the Rose Garden. Is he sure it wasn’t just a face palm?

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The director of a groundbreaking UC San Diego brain bank is looking for donors who will supply interesting life histories, and then their brains after death. The director, Dr. Jacobo Annese, says he would love to have Trump’s brain some day. Makes sense, maybe he can figure out why the Donald appears to have stopped using it.

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Lindsay Lohan received a 120 day jail sentence for a probation violation over her alleged necklace theft. In an interview this week, Lohan said she was eager to put her court cases behind her and once again be known as an actress. Actually Lindsay’s hardest role might simply be acting like a grown-up.

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The Dodgers beat the Cubs 12 to 2 today, for their third straight win since Major League Baseball seized control of the team. Fans in New York are thinking of petitioning Bud Selig to take control of the Mets.

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Saturday night will be game four of the San Jose-Los Angeles NHL first round playoff series.  Now, the two teams together scored seven goals in the second period of game three, five goals in the second period of game four.

Not to say the Sharks and Kings goalies were napping, but they were starting to look like air traffic controllers.

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John McCain, while visiting Libya, told reporters there is  a “significant degree of stalemate,” and more NATO assets are needed. Hmm, wonder if that means McCain will next be calling for NATO to help out with the U.S. Congress.

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My comedy writer friend Neil Berliner bemoans the fact that more people can name the “Three Stooges” than the GOP presidential candidates. But to be fair, there are a lot more than three stooges running for President.

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BYU basketball star Brandon Davies apparently plans to return and play this seaso for the university, despite being dismissed for an honor code violation. (Premarital sex with his girlfriend.) So how does he get his honor back? By marrying the young woman?

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If Davies does marry his girlfriend, will it be a three-point-shotgun wedding?

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Happy Earth Day.

April 22, 2011

Millions of Americans are saying they will not drive their cars to celebrate Earth Day. Well, it sounds better than saying they can’t afford gas.

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And in Cleveland, many will celebrate Earth Day by burying Lebron James jerseys six feet under.

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A data center run by Amazon.com crashed Thursday, causing problems not only at Amazon, but many websites and Internet services like Foursquare, Hootsuite (a Twitter dashboard) and Reddit which rely on AWS (Amazon Web Services.) It was awful, many Americans actually had no alternative but to do their work.

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Okay, I must have missed something. Where in the rules for the playoff series between the Sharks and the Kings was the line that said goalies should take the second period off?

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Mike Leake, arrested for shoplifting Monday, nonetheless started and got the win for the Reds Thursday afternoon. If this keeps up Leake could end up being the best sticky-fingered pitcher since Gaylord Perry.

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Bud Selig has announced that MLB playoffs will probably expand from eight to ten teams in 2012. The only holdup for now, trying to figure out how to guarantee that those ten teams will always include the Red Sox and Yankees.

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Meghan McCain interviewed Donald Trump, who told her “I like you and I like your father, I’ll tell you. And I like your mother. I like your whole family.” Well, makes sense that the Donald would like Meghan. She’s about the right age to be his next wife.

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I am not generally a fan of country music, and I am never a fan of the Dodgers. But still, it’s cool that American Idol contestant Scotty McCreery, 17, a North Carolina native, was thrilled and impressed to meet Tommy Lasorda.

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Kinder Eggs, a popular European chocolate egg that contains a toy inside,  have been banned from importation into the United States,” and can be confiscated by Customs.

The reason, because they contain an embedded “non-nutritive object.”  Uh, doesn’t that describe most fillings at Taco Bell.

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Yet another candidate has announced for the GOP presidential nomination – former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, who leans libertarian, supports gay marriage, abortion rights and legalizing marijuana. He also wants to slash 90 percent of the defense budget. This could be becoming a primary debate I’d pay to watch.

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