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The good, the bad and the ugly.

October 31, 2011

Apparently when Texas A and M lost to Missouri last season, coach Mike Sherman set fire to the game plan, playbook and tape. The Aggies collapsed again in the second half against Missouri Saturday. College Station firefighters have been put on full alert.

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USC safety T.J. McDonald aided Stanford’s last regulation drive when he got a 15 yard penalty for knocking receiver Chris Owusu semi-conscious. This after he got THREE similar penalties against ASU. Think McDonald is trying a little too hard to show he is NFL ready.

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Millions will apparently be without power for a while in the Northeast. And for tonight, those millions included the Dallas Cowboys’ offense.

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Tim Tebow fans have been adopting their hero’s kneel and pray habit. “Big deal” responded Detroit Lions fans. “We’ve been praying for years.” (And it’s beginning to pay off.)

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So much for Tim Tebow leading the Broncos to the Promised Land. Or at least the playoffs.

Maybe God just wanted to hear a lot of new “Christians-Lions” jokes. (Please feel free to add them in comments.)

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The Dolphins folded late, keeping their hopes alive in the “SuckforLuck” race. Could be a real shock for Miami fans if they get Andrew Luck – having a star who steps up in the fourth quarter.

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Must be interesting as a defense attorney in the Conrad Murray trial: Basically your case is,”Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, Mr. Jackson was bound and determined to kill himself at some point. My client was just the unlikely doctor there at the time.”

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Still, it would be weird if anyone in the courtroom had a heart attack or something. I can hear the cries now “Is there any other doctor in the house?”

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To err is human, to really scr*w things up requires a computer: Stanford demolished #25 Washington last week and fell in the BCS computer rankings. This week the Cardinal needed triple overtime to beat #22 USC, and leapfrogged Boise State in the same rankings.

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After indicating that he might just skip future debates, Rick Perry has now committed to at least five more. Apparently the Texas Governor feels the need for the public forums to expose Mitt Romney as a flip-flopper.

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Now Fox’s Chris Wallace is complaining about Mitt Romney, that Mitt hasn’t appeared on any Sunday talk show since March 2010, and that he invited “Gov. Romney again this week, but his campaign says he’s still not ready to sit down for an interview.” Well, yeah, how can you do an interview when you haven’t figured out what your positions are yet?

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Passengers on a JetBlue flight scheduled from Fort Lauderdale to Newark ended up stranded on the tarmac at Bradley International Airport in Hartford, Connecticut for more than seven hours Saturday. As awful as the ordeal was some said it was still better than seven hours in Newark.

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India’s first Formula One raceDelhi event is basically sold out despite the cost, with the most expensive tickets costing up to about USD $200,000. Upon hearing this, Roger Goodell starting looking into the possibility for NFL games in Delhi.

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Twisted joke (but I like it) from my friend Neil Berliner: “The Madoffs tried to kill themselves by prescription overdoses. But the pharmacist scammed them with worthless placebos.”

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World semi-Serious.

October 25, 2011

One nice thing about baseball, each day is completely different. The Cardinals scored 16 runs against Texas Saturday, then got shut out Sunday. And game five was close until the eighth. Whereas the Colts could play the Saints every week this year and Indianapolis would probably not come within four touchdowns.

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A two part joke written with my friend Jerry Perisho, his part first:

“Don’t worry NBA fans, you can still see your team’s dancers perform; just bring plenty of $1 bills.”

Mine: But go early to see the Heat cheerleaders, I hear they quit before the night is over.

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Newt Gingrich criticized Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the last debate saying: “I literally felt like I was the recess monitor on the playground, watching these two kids.” Prompting an immediate demand for an apology, from schoolchildren.

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McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib nationwide through November 14. Now, leaving all the McHeart Attack jokes aside. some complain they shouldn’t call it a “McRib,” when the sandwich has no bones. On the other hand, they do call them “ham” burgers.

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Paul Leka, 68, who wrote the chorus of “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye),” reportedly died October 12. Well, I guess we all know what they sang at his funeral..

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said he is supporting a plan to allow student athletes to receive $2,000 a year beyond their scholarships. (The usual scholarships just cover tuition, fees, books, room and board.) While the idea is popular with many athletes, some football players say they don’t know if they can afford the pay cut.

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Oregon’s star CB Cliff Harris was already cited for driving 118 mph on a suspended license in June and joking to an officer who smelled marijuana that “we smoked it all. Today he was cited again for several infractions, including driving on a suspended license and driving without insurance. Maybe it’s true what they say about pot affecting your memory.

You have to wonder, aren’t there any taxis in Eugene? Or fans who could drive a football star around campus?

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And Harris has been suspended, again, from the football team. Meaning he cannot participate even in practices and will miss at least Saturday’s game. Over-under on him being conditionally reinstated November 11? (As November 12 is the Ducks’ game with Stanford.)

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Fun sidelight of watching the World Series – the realization with the Mavericks and Rangers that the Dallas Cowboys are at best the third best professional team in Dallas.

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Theo Epstein visited Wrigley Field for the first time as GM this morning. His first project? Presumably to find and take down that sign that says “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

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Watching the stories and gory videos coming out of Libya, must say one thing for the United States. Even allowing for Florida we do have a much more civilized transfer of power.

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Michele Bachmann has said that the gay and lesbian lifestyle amounts to “personal bondage, and personal enslavement.” Her husband Marcus has compared gays to “barbarians” who need to be “disciplined.” You do get the sense both of them have spent too much time in leather shops South of Market in SF

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Lebron would feel right at home.

October 24, 2011

The Dolphins led 15 to 0 with less than three minutes to play, when Tim Tebow led an improbable comeback and the Broncos won 18-15 in overtime. What is it with Miami teams and fourth quarters?

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Although actually Tebow’s rally did give the Broncos their SECOND win of the year. And kept the Dolphins winless. Wonder if Denver GM John Elway will now bench Tebow for hurting the team’s chances in the race to “Suck for Luck.”

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Three interceptions from Kyle Boller, three interceptions from Carlson Palmer, and the lowly Kansas City Chiefs destroy the Oakland Raiders 28-0. If Al Davis wasn’t dead this game might have killed him.

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Miami collapsed, St. Louis actually made Dallas look good, and Indy, well, they just s*cked. Wonder if Andrew Luck called John Elway for advice on a good hitting or pitching coach?

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How do you beat a #25 team by 44 points and drop in the polls? Ask Jeff Sagarin. After Stanford’s 65-21 win over Washington, Sagarin’s computer ranking DROPPED the Cardinal from #15 to #21. (Behind two-loss Arizona State.) No, I’m not making this up.

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Theo Epstein took out a full page ad in the Boston Globe, allegedly to thank the Red Sox for “10 Years, Two Championships, Countless Memories, Infinite Thanks.” Presumably he resisted the urge to add “Prior to me, 84 years, Zero Championships, Countless Miseries, Nyah, nyah, nee, nee, nah, hah.”

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Meanwhile in Texas, the Rangers won 4-0, a day after getting destroyed 16-7 by the St. Louis Cardinals. Wonder if Nolan Ryan sent a private jet to Colorado to borrow the Rockies’ humidor?

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Michele Bachmann is slamming Herman Cain and other GOP candidates for their “flip-flops” on things like abortion and gay marriage. Hmm, does this mean her new campaign slogan is “Consistently Crazy?”

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Got to love banks. My husband is travelling for business in Eastern Europe (9 hour time difference), and Wells Fargo’s fraud system went into overdrive when he took out less than $100 cash from an ATM over there. Three “urgent” phone messages this afternoon and evening. Of course, when he tried to call them back during European business hours, they are closed.

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Watched Pan Am, sort of, tonight. So wanted to like this show, but the scripts seem to be written as intelligently as most current airlines’ business models.

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And don’t we all feel so safe with all the hassles of flying these days…. Alaska Air luggage workers at LAX found a handgun when it fell out of a bag they were loading onto a flight to Portland. The gun at least was unloaded. But a TSA spokesperson said they check carry-ons but firearms in checked bags are “not the agency’s responsibility.” And Alaska said passengers should “self-disclose dangerous goods.”

But they are so good on those water bottles..

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Rough week.

October 10, 2011

Rough week for New York sports fans. The Yankees were eliminated. And the Jets and the Giants both lost. On a more cheerful note, it looks like the Knicks’ season may be cancelled.

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Not that things are much happier in Philly. As fans wonder if Michael Vick is entering the “Dog Days” of October.

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Denver coach John Fox made fans happy and inserted Tim Tebow into the Broncos game against the the Chargers today. So is it God’s will that Tebow play? Maybe, or maybe God is just thinking “Well, I’m not sure about Tim, but I’ve sure seen enough of Kyle Orton”

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The Vikings went up 21-0 in the first quarter against Arizona, and won 34-10. Although worried Minnesota fans at first were just wondering if the team was trying to set an NFL record for the biggest lead that a team could manage to lose.

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Realize that Pac 12 football is lightly regarded, still it’s hard to believe crushing Colorado 48-7 was really cause for Stanford being dropped in the polls against Wisconsin. Especially as the Badgers faced the mighty “Bye week.”

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If this keeps up the Cardinal could go undefeated and not finish in the top ten.

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For the first time in recent memory there is no team from Florida in the AP college football top 25. Shame they aren’t eligible since otherwise the Miami Dolphins might qualify.

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Thought after watching the Raiders game: Sebastian Janikowski – the only kicker in the NFL who hits 50 yard chip shots.

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California Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill allowing children age 12 and up to get vaccinated for STDs without their parents’ consent. Well, as a parent I would hope kids wait considerably beyond age 12. But on the other hand, the kids it applies to didn’t need their parents’ consent to become sexually active in the first place

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Herman Cain, when asked on CNN about the recent controversy as to whether or not Mitt Romney is a Christian, responded “He’s a Mormon. That much I know. I am not going to do an analysis of Mormonism versus Christianity for the sake of answering that. I’m not getting into that.” Maybe Cain is ready to be president. That answer is on the level of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

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Meanwhile, in California, Gavin Newsom spoke at a Democratic meeting in Half Moon Bay and criticized President Obama, Jerry Brown and other Democrats for not doing enough to fix the economy. Apparently they didn’t live up to the perfect standards he set as the mayor of San Francisco.

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Rising and falling.

September 19, 2011

Ohio State fell out of the top 25 in the AP college football rankings for the first time since 2004. Of course, with the NCAA investigation the Buckeyes had probably already fallen out of the top 25 as far as player pay scale.

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The Boston Red Sox, losers of 11 of their last 14, are now only two games up in the Wild Card race over Tampa Bay. If the Sox hang on, they might become the first MLB team to make the playoffs without showing up for most of April and September.

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Cam Newton threw for over 400 yards in each of his first two NFL games. When asked how he seemed so relaxed, Cam allegedly responded “I just pretended I was facing SEC investigators..”

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Michael Vick suffered a neck injury and left the Eagles-Falcons game Sunday in the third quarter. Wonder if any Atlanta editor was tempted to use the headline “Dog-gone?”

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Jane Lynch, who hosted the Emmys, is unabashedly out of the closet, but doesn’t seem to be the target of much conservative criticism. Is it that America’s actually getting less homophobic? Or are would-be critics just afraid of her?

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Alec Baldwin asked that his short skit be totally cut from the Emmys show when Fox nixed a joke about Rupert Murdoch and News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal. Fox’s response was that the network had been carefully considering the decision since they heard Baldwin discussing the line on the phone last week.

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Congratulations to Mariano Rivera who notched his record-tying 601st save yesterday for the Yankees. While Rivera is unquestionably a good closer, there has been some luck involved – if he played for the Royals or Pirates, Mariano might not have had 601 potential wins to save.

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Dominique Strauss-Kahn said he is innocent of any “violence or aggression” regarding his tryst with the maid in New York, but acknowledged a “moral weakness.”

I wouldn’t go THAT far, responded Bill Clinton.

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Some claim it would take a miracle for President Obama to be re-elected. But really, is that any more unlikely than this? The Washington Redskins and Rex Grossman, 2 and 0.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry is taking some flack for having billed state taxpayers $294,000 for his travel security. But in Perry’s defense, at least half of that was to keep his hair in place.

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Lindsey Graham claims that President Obama’s plan to have a minimum tax on millionaires is “class warfare.” Not that it’s likely to happen but some part of me would love to hear Obama respond “Maybe, but so was storming the Bastille.”

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Wonder if the New York Yankees will be the first sports team to oppose Obama’s tax hike on millionaires. Not that the team is worried about their players, but the Yankees are concerned the hike will affect their entire season ticket base.

Although that’s probably an overstatement. Even most people who make over $1 million a year can’t afford Yankees season tickets.

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Republicans are already denouncing President Obama’s minimum tax for millionaires as “Class Warfare.” Well, if true, this might be the first type of warfare the GOP doesn’t support.

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Congrats to Kyle Chandler. “Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose.” And if you’ve never heard that phrase before, watch “Friday Night Lights” on DVD. One of those rare television shows that never felt like you were putting your brain (or heart) on hold to watch.

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Almost Monday.

September 11, 2011

This opening weekend of NFL football may not prove much, but it reconfirms one fact Stanford fans already knew: ALWAYS bet on Jim Harbaugh against Pete Carroll.

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And open note to Dallas Cowboys-Tony Romo fans. It is now WAY too late to blame Jessica Simpson.

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Many in Washington, D.C. heard Obama’s jobs speech and thought, sorry, we don’t believe in miracles. To which the President probably thought in response tonight – “Hey, the Redskins beat the Giants, what more proof in the seemingly impossible do you need?”

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During an 8-1 win over the Los Angeles Dodgers, the SF Giants batters managed to work five walks in a five run sixth inning. This shocked many regular Giants fans who are not used to seeing the team take five PITCHES in one inning.

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This just in. Michigan petitions NCAA to switch all their football home games to night games.

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A few more games like today and some enterprising soul in Indianapolis WILL start printing up Andrew Luck jerseys.

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While the tenth anniversary of 9/11 fortunately passed without serious incident in the U.S, there were two separate incidents where fighter jets intercepted commercial flights because of reports passengers were spending too much time in the bathrooms.

In one case, on American Airlines, reports are that the passengers were drunk, in the second case, with Frontier Airlines, reports are the passngers were joining the “mile high club.” On a day when everyone has known for a long time that airline security would be on highest alert….

As awful as acts of terrorism are, I suppose on some level it is comforting to know they are way outnumbered by acts of simple stupidity.

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When the 2001 baseball season resumed following 9/11. the Mets wore NYPD, NYFD and other hats from first responders to recognize their bravery and public service. The team wanted to wear the hats again tonight, but MLB forbade it. As if we needed any more proof that Bud Selig was an idiot.

And final follow up for the day to the September 11 thought from the last post – while the date is a solemn anniversary it’s important to remember that one of the best freedoms we enjoy in the U.S. is the ability to joke about nearly everything, including the government. And live to tell about it.

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Opening night.

September 9, 2011

The NFL opened their season Thursday night. Although the Saints-Packers was hardly the first professional game of the year. The Canadian Football League has been going since July, and Ohio State and Miami kicked off last week.

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Some derided President Obama for his choice to finish his jobs speech in time for the NFL opener. But Barack didn’t think he could get re-elected with just the women’s vote.

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The NFL is now directing all teams to post out-of-town statistics on their scoreboards for Fantasy Football players. Guess they want fans in Carolina to be able to go to the stadium and hope to see SOME good news.

San Diego is completely without power tonight. So for Padres fans, it’s business as usual.

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Ohio State explained today why three football players were suspended for the opening game against Akron: They each took $200 at a Cleveland charity event. Responded the Miami Hurricanes -“$200? Wow. Buckeye boosters are pikers.”

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So if the Pac 12 turns into the Pac 16, how long before the West Coast members consider breaking away to form their own Pac 8?

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A Mississippi man was arrested for shoplifting while trying to leave a grocery store with items stuffed into his shorts including two live lobsters. Wonder if he was caught because he was singing soprano?

(My friend Bill Dwan adds – could be worse, he could have had crabs.)

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Ben and Jerry’s have come out with a new flavor – “Schweddy Balls,” named after the famous SNL skit with Alec Baldwin.

Insert “More than a mouthful” joke here: (And of course, other punchlines always encouraged.)

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Michele Bachman stated she felt she felt “deeply disappointed” by the president’s jobs speech and said Congress should avoid passing his plan. Fair enough, but does anyone doubt that she wrote her response before Obama wrote his speech?

(Meanwhile, no response yet from Sarah Palin. Maybe she couldn’t read the writing on her palms.)

As the NFL season gets underway, there’s a new favorite in the AFC South. The Houston Texans. By a neck.

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Okay, we all know how valuable Peyton Manning has been. But what if he turns out to have been so valuable that the Colts end up the worst team in the NFL this year…. Do they go for Andrew Luck?

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I probably differ with many Democrats in that I liked California Governor Jerry Brown’s veto of a proposed helmet law for children skiing or snowboarding. His reasoning, that while it’s a good idea, “Not every human problem deserves a law.”

Just wish that some conservatives applauding the decision would apply the same standards to issues of perceived “morality.” (Gay marriage for starters, but the list goes on.)

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It’s 3am in Washington, D.C.

July 27, 2011

Do you know where your debt ceiling is?

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Okay, let’s borrow from reality television and solve this debt ceiling thing in about one night. Lock Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in a “fantasy suite” together and don’t let them out until they have a deal.

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President Obama referred to the fight over the debt ceiling as a “partisan three-ring circus.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from Ringling Brothers.

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In California, controller John Chiang stopped paying lawmakers when they couldn’t agree on a budget. Maybe we should have sent him to Washington, D.C. Monday along with the San Francisco Giants.

 

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Baseball stat of the night. Jered Weaver of the Angels has more wins in July (five), than the Seattle Mariners (four.)

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Apparently the New York Giants are considering resigning their former wide receiver Plaxico Burress. When asked, Giants management said they decided they might as well take a shot at it.

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, on the end of the lockout. “”I hope we gave a little lesson to the people in Washington because the debt ceiling is a lot easier to fix than this was.” Well, that ought to put rest to the rumor that NFL owners are a bunch of self-absorbed narcissistic jerks.

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Bengals owner Mike Brown insisted on Tuesday that he won’t trade quarterback Carson Palmer, who said he would retire rather than play again for Cincinnati. So in terms that Bengals fans understand, Brown considers Palmer’s contract “non-bailable.”

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A man at New Orleans’ airport injured a United ticket agent when he accidentally fired his hunting rifle while trying to check the gun with his baggage. Well, good to see Dick Cheney’s getting out and around again.

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Phillies fans are apparently planning to jeer Bruce Bochy for all three games the Giants are in San Francisco, because they are mad that he used their star pitchers in the All-Star game. (Really.) But to be fair to the fans, this is a tough time of year in Philadelphia, it’s at least four months until they can boo Santa Claus.

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Tuesday night the Seattle Mariners and Doug Fister (3-11) took their 16 game losing streak against the New York Yankees and C.C. Sabathia. (14-5) I think the Christians had a better chance against the Lions.

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Friday night tacky.

July 23, 2011

Bail was set at $1 million for the Southern California woman who allegedly took a knife to her husband’s penis and put it down the garbage disposal.

Guess they were afraid she was likely to cut and run.

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Need a diet aid?   Just read up about the relationship between “Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, and his 16-year-old wife Courtney Stodden.  The couple, who married in May, gave an intimate interview to “E” news.

“I’ve got to say, if there’s only one caveat to the ocean between our [ages], I wished I was a virgin when we met,” 
“It’s fine that he wasn’t!” she exclaimed. “He’s a tiger!”

Even Hugh Hefner is thinking “That’s just gross.”

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Two famous stars on the Tonight Show Friday night – Dolly Parton was Jay’s guest.

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With all these back and forth accusations of lying and not dealing in good faith, I’m getting confused. Does Congress have something to do with the lockout and the NFL with the debt ceiling?

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Wonder what would happen if God actually whispered in the ear of one of these Tea Party types “Any of you read the Bible? Jesus would tax the rich.”

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Best wishes to Christopher Schwarzengger, 13, who is fortunately expected to make a full recovery from his injuries. But the AP has it a little wrong with the lead sentence: “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest son is recovering in a hospital after a body-boarding accident at a Malibu beach.”

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And they wonder why U.S. airlines have such a bad reputation – Continental’s phone response today “Your call will be answered between one hour and two minutes and one hour and twenty minutes from now.”

Of course, it does beat (barely) the “Due to a high volume of calls, we are unable to take your call at this time.”  With a hangup and then busy signal.

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Bristol Palin is continuing her book tour, and Thursday night on Dr. Drew said she was “stupid” to lie to her mother about the spring night in 2006 she lost her virginity to Levi Johnson. Okay, fine, and she was somehow on a higher plain the next couple years, since Tripp was born in late December 2008?

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New York 17,  Oakland 7.   Uh, I know I’ve heard talk of a deal.  But how did I miss the start of the NFL preseason?

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From Zev Karlin-Neumann:  “It’s supposed to be 100+ degrees and stormy in DC Saturday. I say hold the debt ceiling talks outside until there’s a deal…”

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A judge has rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers’ proposed $150 million bankruptcy financing plan. Guess he figured the plan was as likely to succeed as their team on the field this season.

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On an actual serious note, I don’t agree with everything President Obama does. But amazed by the vitriol from some Democrats. Guess they thought when Barack was talking about compromise across the aisle and “no blue states and no red states” that he was just kidding?

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What if all these candidates like Perry and Bachmann really are hearing God’s voice telling them to run? Does this mean God is a frustrated stand-up comic?  (Or as Paul Seaburn says, “No, just a comedy writer looking for four more years of material.”)

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Mitt Romney has Meg Whitman as finance director for his 2012 Presidential run. Because nothing says you can make responsible decisions about our nation’s economy like hiring someone who spent $150 million on her own failed campaign.”

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NFL – Never Finished (with) Lawyers?

July 22, 2011

Anyone else think this endless NFL negotiation coverage on ESPN is beginning to feel like being at a endless dinner party with a squabbling couple? The argument is no longer interesting and you just want to be done hearing about it.

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Today’s vote by the owners was 31 to 0 with Al Davis abstaining. At least, we think he was abstaining. He may have just been taking a nap.

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A Los Angeles traffic officer has been fired for appearing in uniform in a pornographic film. Insert nightstick joke here.

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According to court filings, Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t want to pay Maria Shriver spousal support. Well, this could make a certain amount of sense – Arnold may have no idea how many child support payments are ahead of him.

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Photos are circulating on the internet of Sarah Palin’s newest daughter-in-law, Britta, at her baby shower. The very pregnant 21 year old woman was married to Palin’s son Track in May. Of this year. Got to love that abstinence-only education.

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A Turkish team has confirmed they have talked with Kobe Bryant’s agent about the Lakers’ star playing in Istanbul if the NBA season is cancelled. Makes sense, Turkey has great jewelry stores.

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In an interview with Fortune magazine, apparently former Harvard President Larry Summers referred to the Winklevoss twins as “a**holes.” Well, it takes one….

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Sarah Palin to the rescue of the mainstream media? Really. She says she wants to “help” them: “I have a journalism degree. That is what I studied. I understand that this cornerstone of our democracy is a free press, is sound journalism. I want to help them build back their reputation and allow Americans to be able to trust what it is that they’re reporting.”

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Meanwhile, from the ridiculous to the sublime as far as quotes:   As compromise becomes a dirty word in Washington, have to wonder if Yeats anticipated this debt ceiling mess – ‘Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.” And then  “the best lack all conviction, while the worst  /Are full of passionate intensity.”

 

Asked whether she still believes homosexuality is a choice, Michele Bachmann responded “I am running for the presidency of the United States. I am not running to be anyone’s judge.” Maybe, but she is running to appoint everyone’s judges.

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Steve Williams told CNN he was disappointed and shocked that he was fired by Tiger Woods, especially “given the fact of my loyalty and the way that I stood by this guy through thick and thin ..And the timing of it is very poor, from my perspective.” Over-under on how long it takes Williams’ book on Tiger to come out?

 

Josh Hamilton will start wearing special sunglasses since he said he learned that blue eyes make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime. Mariners fans are wondering, maybe blue uniforms make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime AND nighttime?

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What we have here are dead sharks….

May 25, 2011

 

Sharks fans may be disappointed but if the Canucks win the Championship at least the Cup will go home to a country where most citizens know icing isn’t just something you put on a cake.

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Can a stanchion get an assist on a game winning goal?

(For anyone who didn’t see the game, the puck bounced off a stanchion, one of the posts between the glass that protects fans from pucks flying out of play, and everyone, including players, thought it was out of play. Except for Bieska of the Canucks, who saw the puck and shot it into the San Jose net.)

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And what invisible hand guided that puck on its way to ending up in the net?  Are we sure Steve Bartman wasn’t somehow involved?

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Tiger Woods’ world golf ranking has fallen from #1 to #12. Although, in a weirdly symbiotic way, his ranking once again matches the number of women most Americans think he is probably sleeping with.

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If there’s a season this year, the NFL is planning to punish teams next season if their players commit multiple flagrant hits that result in fines. The punishment could either be financial or to strip clubs of draft choices. Well, that latter shouldn’t stop the Raiders – they don’t do anything with their draft picks anyway.

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New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said the team could lose $70 million this season. $70 million? Wow, that’s almost as much as the Yankees pay for a utility infielder.

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So the Big 12 conference, despite being down to 10 teams, will keep its name. Meanwhile, the Big 10, which has had 11 teams, will also keep its name when Nebraska joins this fall. Meanwhile the Atlantic 10 has 14 teams. And we wonder why college football players are bad at math

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Apparently the U.S. Justice Department is ready to go ahead with criminal charges to be filed against former U.S. Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards, for alleged violations of campaign finance laws arising from the cover-up of his affair with his baby mama Rielle Hunter.

And once again, Democrats across America are realizing that there might be a silver lining in the Kerry-Edwards ticket not winning in 2004.

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President Obama’s code name with Scotland Yard for his U.K. visit is apparently
“Chalaque.” It’s a Punjab word that the Daily Mail paper says means “someone too clever for his own good,” or someone “cheeky, crafty and cunning.” Scotland Yard denies the term is perjorative, and said they planned on using it for the previous president, but no one could say it about W with a straight face.

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Meanwhile, in California, depending on where he got the money to pay HIS baby mama, Arnold Schwarzenegger is either watching with some sympathy, or the sense of “Oh Sh*t.”

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Toyota is starting a private social network for its car owners – calling it “Toyota Friend.” So does that mean instead of sending recall notices, they’ll just change your status to “It’s complicated?”

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President Obama and Michelle met Prince William and Kate Middleton today in London, and will spend the night in the same suite that the Duke and Duchess used on their wedding night. Presumably this seemed a better accommodation option than Camilla’s old stable.

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And then there were eight.

March 26, 2011

 Headline from tonight’s NCAA Sweet Sixteen matchup?   “The Buckeyes Stop Here.”   

And yes, another #1 seed, Ohio State, goes down in the 2011 NCAA tournament. Bad news for collectors who were hoping to buy one of those championship rings.

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After the loss, Ohio State’s freshman star Jared Sullinger said he would be returning for another season  – “I did make a decision and I’m definitely coming back next year. I need to work on a lot of things. I have to come back. I’m coming back to win.”

No mention in that statement of any secondary reasons to return to college for another year…. like going to class?

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In college football sometimes for big games, they introduce players by their name and major.  Wonder if they stopped doing that in basketball because the number one answer was “Major?”

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Arizona 93 – Duke 77. Now, the Stanford Cardinal played the Wildcats twice this year. Losing once by 10 and once by 9. Guess this is the closest Stanford has been in a while to having bragging rights on Duke.

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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips reiterated a comment he made earlier this week in a Fox news interview, saying that “Charlie Sheen still makes more sense than John Boehner.” Actually I would argue Charlie Sheen makes more sense than a lot of people, including Judson Phillips.

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The NCAA seeding committee is not happy losing three of their #1 teams before the “Elite Eight”  in the men’s tournament. Now that they’ve tweaked the number from 64 to 68, the next tweak for 2012 may be a “judge’s save.”

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A Cleveland Browns fan is suing the NFL, claiming the lockout violates his contract to buy tickets through his personal seat license. Actually, it’s more surprising a Browns fan hasn’t sued before – in theory the PSLs was supposed to entitle them to buy tickets to watch professional football.

So Newt Gingrich said Obama should enforce a no-fly zone, but now that the President has joined the coalition doing just that, Newt has changed his mind and says the no-fly zone is a mistake. Makes sense on some level, Gringrich has always had trouble with decisions involving his own fly.

And in the “We thought only U.S. elected officials had trouble with their own language, I give you this picture, from BBC news of a road sign in Wales.

Apparently the local council in Swansea, mindful that the law in Wales requires all signs to be bilingual,  sent off the request to their translation service, and had the sign made with the reply.

Except that what the sign means in Welsh?    “I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated”.

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Scumbags, scumbags, we got scumbags.

March 22, 2011

 When Good Morning America co-anchor Robin Roberts kept asking Chris Brown about his guilty plea for assaulting girlfriend Rihanna, Brown smashed a window and stormed out of the studio. Yeah, that ought to convince America he’s learned to keep his temper under control.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goddell was quoted as saying “We have not had any discussions or consideration of replacement players.”  Or at least none in a room that wasn’t swept clean of potential bugs or other electronic recording devices first.

So if the league does offer jobs to players who aren’t really NFL material, does that mean Carolina Panthers players will be eligible.

The Bachelor, Brad Womack, was not taken to a hospital as first reported. It turns out he actually called 911 from an Austin park when he found a stranger in need of medical attention. This, however, did not prevent Brad from talking to the 911 operator for an hour about his feelings.

The defense Barry Bonds is using in this trial is that he realizes now he used steroids, but really believed his trainer’s telling him that he was taking flaxseed oil and arthritis cream. Hey, this defense would work if he were a college athlete in the SEC.

The latest Fox News controversy has to do with an admitted “error” by the network in their story about the Libyan government using Western journalists as human shields.  With all the “Faux” news stories they’ve had lately, it’s a wonder Fox hasn’t found someone to manufacture a fake Kenyan birth certificate.

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Lawrence Taylor was sentenced to six years probation and forced to register as a sex offender for his “encounter” with an underage prostitute who said she was 19.  But the girl, speaking through Gloria Allred, now says Taylor should have known she was underage and should go to jail.

LT seems like a scumbag, and he’s being punished for it, but Gloria Allred gives women lawyers a bad name. 

(The only woman’ whose best interests she really has at heart is Gloria Allred.)

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Dennis Kucinich now says that President Obama’s taking part in the European coalition’s attack against Qaddafi was an “impeachable offense.”   How’d we all like to be flies on the wall at Sarah Palin’s “war room” while they figure out a response to THAT statement?

And now Rand Paul may be jumping into the 2012 Presidential race.  Paul, Kucunich, Bachman, Palin…. For political junkies of a certain age, or those who just like political history, Pat Paulson is retrospectively looking more and more like a legitimate candidate.

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Crying shames

March 11, 2011

Of course, on a serious note, the most important story of the day is the tsunami and the tragic results in Japan.  But that doesn’t mean the absurdities of the world take a holiday, and so, today’s blog…..   (Because I really do believe laughter is usually the best medicine.)

The NFL players have de-unionized which increases the chance there will be no professional football next year. So for 49ers and Raiders fans, sounds like business as usual.

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Note to all fans of professional football: The Canadian Football League’s first pre-season game is only three months from Tuesday.

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A new study says that women who get their daily dose of coffee are at less risk of dying from a stroke. Presumably they are also at less risk of killing their husbands and children.

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USC’s mens basketball coach Kevin O’Neill was suspended for the remainder of the Pacific 10  tournament after an “incident”/”verbal altercation” with an opposing team booster in the JW Marriott in Los Angeles.   So is it something in the water in Los Angeles, or do personalites with a tendency to make public fools of themselves just naturally gravitate there?

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And wonder if they’ll suspend O’Neill for something that actually matters to Trojan fans, which this year is likely to be the NIT.

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Happy to have had a suggestion included in ESPN.com’s Page 2 alternative March Madness Top 10 list.  (Although the NFL owners may go down in history as the Maddest this March of all.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=6201171

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Sunday night is the change to Daylight Savings Time in most of the U.S.   If we’re going to lose an hour though, wouldn’t it be better to do it in the cruddiest month, like February?

Dwyane Wade called out Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy  for his criticism,  saying “When statements are made about the Miami Heat, about the attention we get and us crying about it, [from] Orlando they really don’t understand.”

Uh, Dwayne, outside the immediate environs of South Florida, they don’t understand, or sympathize, either.

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From my friend Ben Burnett:  “BREAKING NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN SUES PRODUCERS!!!!……and I think something happened in Japan.”

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Auburn coach Gene Chizik dismissed four players from the football team when they were arrested for armed robbery. Chizik said “these young men have a right for their case to be heard, (but) playing for Auburn University is an honor and a privilege. It is not a right.” Unless you have Heisman-level talent.

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Meanwhile  two Michigan State players were arrested for fighting in an Aspen, Colorado, bar and then trying to flee from officers. Police also said they had to use a stun gun on one of the players.  Presumably MSU will impose serious sanctions on the players, which by current Big 10 standards appears to be a two-game suspension.  The Spartans’ first two games?   Youngstown State and Florida Atlantic.

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Even if we weren’t quite ready for some football…

January 11, 2011

In some ways sports seems trivial after the awful shootings in Arizona Saturday.

On the other hand, if we stop laughing, the bad guys win.   So, ever onward.

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Apparently tickets to the BCS championship are selling for $2000 and up. Curiously enough, for $2000 a fan could probably purchase a ticket to every single one of the other 34 bowl games, and have money left over.

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Glendale police say eight people have been arrested for selling fake tickets to Monday’s BCS Championship game between Auburn and Oregon. Apparently all eight have protested “but we got the tickets from our fathers.”

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The NCAA says a major reason not to have a college playoff system is that it would keep those players away from their studies for an extra few weeks. Right, as opposed to now where I am SURE players from Auburn and Oregon have been focused on school for the last month.

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Open note to football fans in Washington D.C. hoping to root for a decent team: Take a page from the airports, and start referring to them as the BWI Ravens.

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The Jets had a nearly 10 minute touchdown drive in their playoff game against the Colts.    Just how long was the drive?   By the time it was over,  Brett Favre had unretired and retired three times.

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Kansas City fans were hoping that they would have a few more weekends of watching their Chiefs play football this year.

Today quoth the Ravens,  “nevermore.”

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Will a documentary on the life of new Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar be titled “True Spit?”

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Nick Coombs sent in this: TLC announced they will not renew “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for a second season. It’s for the best though, she probably would have resigned midway through the season anyways.

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But really, TLC is the network that ran five season of Jon and Kate plus 8.  So how bad do you have to be to be cancelled after one year…?

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Snow place like home.

December 13, 2010

 Well, so much for those who said nothing in Minneapolis this year would collapse faster than Brett Favre’s dream of going back to the Super Bowl…

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Brett Favre has apparently told teammates that he doesn’t think he will play Monday night. And God responded  “You mean I collapsed that roof for nothing?”

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Unfortunately for Vikings fans, snow meant their game was postponed. Unfortunately for Bears fans, snow meant their game wasn’t.

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My friend Douglas Hudson commented “how embearassing.”

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But really, the Bears offense falling apart  because a game was played in the snow?    (They lost 36-7 to the New England Patriots)  What’s next, Drew Brees having a bad passing day due to Superdome air conditioning?

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 Meanwhile, in Washington, the Redskins continue their quest to find the most creative possible ways to lose a game. Today a great last minute drive negated by their holder not catching the ball on an extra point try. What’s next? For the price of a charter flight the Stanford band is available.

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In fact, as contentious as things might get in our nation’s capital, the one resolution that would probably get passed unanimously is a bill stating simply “Redskins Suck.”

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New York Jets coach Sal Alosi has apologized for a “total lapse in judgment” for tripping the Dolphins’ Nolan Carroll as he ran along the sidelines during a punt return today. No word on any potential punishment, but on the brighter side Alosi has been offered a job playing defense for the Dallas Cowboys.

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So coach Rex Ryan buried a game ball after his Jets were destroyed on MNF by the mighty Patriots. What’s he going to bury after they got beat by the mediocre Dolphins?

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‎49ers 40 – Seahawks 21. Today’s game at Candlestick Park was so embarassing for Pete Carroll that he had to think he was back with USC playing Stanford.

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 The 5-8 49ers are still inexplicably alive for a playoff spot in the woeful NFL West. And there are signs that coach Mike Singletary has gotten just a bit cocky after this week’s 41-20 drubbing of the Seahawks. For example, in the team’s locker room, Singletary has already hung a banner saying “Mission Accomplished.”

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Although to be fair, S.F.’s win did mean that at least for this year, they’re not the 4 and 9 ers.

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7-11 has come up with their own brand of wine, available exclusively at their convenience stores,, and known as “Cherrywood Cellars.”  Of course, wine snobs might argue that instead of cherries, wine is generally made from grapes.

On the other hand, if you care about what fruit your wine is made from, you probably aren’t shopping for it at 7-11.

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from Bill Littlejohn. on the Japanese space probe that’s hurtling toward the sun after it overshot Venus: “So much for JaMarcus Russell’s career as an aerospace engineer.”

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Plus ca change…

December 8, 2010

Mike Singletary has announced that Alex Smith will start in place of Troy Smith next Sunday. Okay, that’s it. The phrase “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” has now been officially updated for the 21st century to “re-arranging quarterbacks on the 49ers.”

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So Albert Haynesworth was suspended for four games which means he will not be on the field for the 5-7 (and fading fast) Washington Redskins for the remainder of the season. Given Albert’s bad attitude, why did the team choose to reward him?

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Sarah Palin has now turned her attention to Wikileaks founder Julian Assanger, and tweeted “Someone making things up again? Keep seeing this quote attributed to me. Huh?” I guess no one is supposed to attribute quotes to Palin except her ghostwriters.

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R.I.P. Elizabeth Edwards. Her useless husband probably did love her, at least as much as he loved anyone who was not himself.

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After being arrested and charged with six counts of drug possession, Iowa senior star wide-receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos has been suspended from “all team activities.”

Now, Iowa’s not going anywhere this December.  But it brings to mind another question, what’s the over-under on player arrests before the bowl season starts?

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Remember that college football gamme they played in Wrigley Field with only one endzone?

Maybe Wrigley should be the home of this year’s Meinke Car Car Bowl. Featuring the 88th ranked offense of the University of South Florida Bulls, vs. the 86th ranked offense of the Clemson Tigers. Forget one endzone, they teams wouldn’t need any.

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Hal Rogers, a Kentucky Congressman known as the “Prince of Pork” for his skill at getting money for his hometown, has been named head of the Appropriations Committee, which will allegedly lead the GOP drive to cut federal earmarks.

Isn’t this like having unwed teen mother Bristol Palin spearhead an abstinence drive?

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Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times picked up on this one… how did I miss it?

“Boulder, Colo., and Ann Arbor, Mich., came in 1-2 when Portfolio.com released its list of America’s 10 brainiest cities.

Apparently it was determined before the Buffs’ and Wolverines’ last football-coaching hires.”

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An actual serious thought:

‎30 years ago a part-time security guard with a history of mental illness was nonetheless able to get both a gun and hollow-point bullets. And he shot John Lennon. Yet there are still millions of Americans who don’t see the need for gun control laws. Imagine.

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Bowled over….

November 22, 2010

This all could change…. but how messed up is the BCS?

Stanford, despite a #6 ranking, is projected to go to the Alamo Bowl, which gets the Pac 10 #2. team But that’s the bowl’s #2 CHOICE, not necessarily the 2nd best team.

So technically, except for that little matter of probation, the folks in San Antonio could go for a team whose alumni always travel and spend money, i.e. the USC Trojans.

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Speaking of money,  the Alamo Bowl has a payout of $2,250,000 this year, the same as the Champs Sports Bowl, who at this point is hoping to take a 7-4 Notre Dame.

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Although, really, considering the “self-esteem” of both programs, shouldn’t Notre Dame be the permanent host team of the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium.

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Speaking of college ball.  They always introduce NFL players by their college alma maters.

I think I’ve heard someone say this before, but since many of these guys never got degrees or even attended most of their classes, would love to see them announced with the last school they actually graduated from, even if that’s elementary or high school.  (Or reform school)

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Great line from my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Oakland Raiders’ Richard Seymore fined and ejected today for punching-out Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. Good news? Seymore named Man of the Year by N.O.W.”

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Meanwhile, at Candlestick Park…. Well, so much for all those San Francisco fans who thought that with the World Series over it would be a long time until they saw another shutout.

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-The New York Mets chose Terry Collins as their next manager. Although wouldn’t it be more correct to say “as their next interim manager?”

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And here’s a poll for readers:   Who’s going to last longer? Brett Favre as the Vikings’ starting quarterback, or Mike Singletary as the 49ers coach?

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Barbara Bush said in an interview that Sarah Palin seemed “very happy in Alaska,” and that she “hoped she’d stay there.” Shame Barbara didn’t tell her son that he “seemed very happy in Texas….”.

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About these new TSA pat-downs. Okay, I suppose I can see the need to check for potential explosives.  But customs agents have known for years that smugglers can conceal illegal substances, well, shall we say, internally. 

What’s next, TSA prostate exams?

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Are you ready for some bad football?

November 14, 2010

 The Buffalo Bills will not end up with a “perfect” record this year, since they won their first game today against the Detroit Lions. And to celebrate, the 1972 Miami Dolphins opened a case of really cheap generic beer.

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My friend Douglas Hudson pointed out that the Lions have now lost their 25th straight road game, breaking their own NFL record set in 2001-03.

In this environmentally conscious age, maybe Detroit should just declare themselves the NFL’s first truly “green” team and just forfeit the rest of their road games?  Would save travel costs, the associated “carbon footprint,” plus wear and tear on the players…

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Brett Favre seems to have recovered from his broken ankle, as he was running around the field like looking like a young man Sunday.  Unfortunately for the Vikings,  the young man he looked like was Vinny Testaverde.

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The lights went out for a brief time tonight during the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday night.  Although despite Dallas’s upset win, it was still about a month after the lights went out on the Cowboys’ season.

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A recent survey by the Chronicle of Higher Education found that 30 presidents of U.S. colleges and universities received more than $1 million in pay and benefits in 2008. As opposed to only 61 college football coaches who made over a million in salary alone.

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 San Francisco beat the Rams today in overtime 23-20, despite 14 penalties. Who knew… the secret of success might simply have been for the 49ers to become the Raiders?

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There are now allegations that parts of George W. Bush’s memoir were plagarized from other books and articles. On the brighter side, this might indicate that W. actually reads.

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A British study found that 1 in 10 men say they use the internet primarily to look for porn. The other nine presumably just go online to read the articles.

from Marc Ragovin: 

Bud Selig raised eyebrows the other day when he said that civil war veteran Abner Doubleday invented baseball, despite all evidence to the contrary. Leading Jamie Moyer to say: “I knew Abner Doubeday. I fought with Abner Doubleday. And Abner Doubleday did not invent baseball.”

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Weekend postmortem.

October 18, 2010

A thought regarding this Brett Favre alleged “sexting” controversy: it’s a good thing that camera cell phones weren’t around when Joe Namath was with the Jets. 

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And to anyone who says “Character matters” to fans in the NFL, I  give you Ben Roethlisberger, loudly cheered in his return from his four game suspension. Wonder how many of those happy fans have college-age daughters.

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Owner Jerry Jones said that despite the Dallas Cowboys’ 1-4 start there won’t be any midseason firings.  Executions, maybe.

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Meanwhile, the previously  0-4 Carolina Panthers had their best week of the season. It was a bye-week.

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Giants baseball may be torture. Raiders-49ers football is just plain ugly.

Anyone want a reason to root for the Giants and Rangers to make it to the World Series?  Here’s one:  Because Fox really really wants a Yankees-Phillies matchup.

And reason number 2.  – the Giants’ and Rangers’ payrolls together barely equal the Phillies (less if you don’t count Zito, who isn’t on the playoff roster.)  And adding them together is still $50 million less than the Yankees.

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Cablevision subscribers in New York and Philadelphiat missed both Giants-Phillies baseball games, and the New York Giants football game due to a dispute between the cable company and News Corp (parent of Fox), that resulted in Fox channels being off the air for two days. 

Bummer, but if this is going to keep happening, many New York Cablevision customers are saying, “Can’t the next off-air disruption happen election night?”

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“Undercover Boss” tonight featured an airline CEO going undercover and even cleaning bathrooms. The premise is just a bit unbelievable…. airlines clean their bathrooms?

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In their Nevada Senate debate last week, Sharron Angle told Harry Reid to “man-up.” Now, I’m not a huge Reid fan, but can you imagine the reaction had he told Angle to “act like a lady?”  (Or even if he told her to “man-up?”)

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Meghan McCain said on ABC’s this week that Christine O’Donnell’s success scares her, because O’Donnell is “seen as a nutjob,” and “she is making a mockery of running for public office, with no real history, no real success in any kind of business.” Years from now we may decide the wrong McCain ran for president.

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Meghan also mentioned that O’Donnell had “no real success” in business.   Which brings to mind Carly Fiorina, whose resume is mixed, but at her last two jobs, HP CEO, and economic advisor to John McCain’s campaign, she was fired…

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from Bill Littlejohn:  “Reggie Jackson reportedly has an I.Q. of 160.When informed of this, Reggie said, ‘I’m the straw that stirs the think'”

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