Posted tagged ‘NFL jokes’
September 24, 2013
“Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?
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The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?
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With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.
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Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.
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–The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.
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Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?
President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.
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After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.
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The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.
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The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”
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So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: America's Cup jokes, baseball jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
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September 23, 2013
It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle
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Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-
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Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…
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President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.
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Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.
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Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”
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How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?
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From my friend Jim Barach: A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.
(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)
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Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.
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Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.
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“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”
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Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, NFL jokes
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September 22, 2013
Some discussion on whether or not Redskins should change their name. After this week D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”
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If team keeps playing like the last 2 weeks wonder how long it will take San Franciscans to ask them to change name to Santa Clara #49ers?
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But really, watching the NFC East, are we sure it’s not too late to make an exception to the NFL rule that someone has to win every division?
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Mick Jagger is going to be a great-grandfather. Wonder if the baby will grow up to buy his/her first beer at a Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.
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At this point fans who buy tickets to see games involving the Houston Astros are just paying for the live-action version of a forfeit.
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A lot of people are just discovering you don’t bet against #AndrewLuck in the San Francisco Bay Area. #Gostanford #Cardinalrules
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The injustice of it all. How did Fox & Friends get left out of the Emmy nominations for best comedy? #Emmys
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French customs officials intercepted 1.3 TONS of cocaine in checked luggage on an Air France flight from Venezuela to Paris. This would never have happened on a U.S. airline. The smugglers wouldn’t have paid the excess baggage charges.
Looks like SF may have some competition for most disappointing sports team named Giants in 2013.
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Michigan managed to beat Akron by 4, and escaped with a 3 point win over Connecticut. Maybe they have a chance of covering next week’s spread… against “bye week.”
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ESPN is reporting that Von Miller and his urine collector tried to beat the NFL drug testing by substituting another person’s specimen. Which might have worked except someone discovered that the Broncos LB was not in the city where his collection was supposed to have taken place. A source says there is concern the NFL may have a problem beyond Miller and the collector involved. Ya think…..
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, Emmy jokes, janice hough jokes, NFC east jokes, NFL jokes, Redskins jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 16, 2013
If only the worst headline in D.C. today was about the the Redskins.
But as another sad shooting story filled front pages and rumors fly, the one thing, as usual, that immediately seemed was a certainty about the shooter or shooters in Washington, D.C. was the term “male.”
(A friend said this “punchline” is stale. Believe me, I’d be glad to retire it. )
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In the SF Bay Area, when we turn to late night local news, it’s often almost a said cliche that there was yet another shooting in Oakland. Have to be thinking, in Canada and England, do they turn on the news and think the same about the USA?
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Okay, back to sports etc….
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Seattle fans say they set a Guinness World Records mark for loudest stadium during last nights Seahawks 49ers game, 131.9 decibels. Is this really a challenge they want to lay down when the new 49ers stadium is opening in perhaps the technology capital of the world?
The Texas Rangers have lost 7 in a row? What’s going on? It’s September, only the Dallas Cowboys are supposed to suck.
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On a warm fuzzy sports note the Red Sox did have a really nice tribute to Mariano Rivera last night. Of course, it was probably warmer and fuzzier because Boston doesn’t think they’ll see him in the postseason.
Just a thought. Are there any middle ground options between Tiger Woods winning the tournament, and Tiger Woods whining about the tournament?
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Suspended Tigers SS Jhonny Peralta, eligible to return Sept. 27, is heading to the instructional league this week. Have to wonder what “instruction” he might share with minor leaguers.
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The the “gentlemen” of Delta Kappa Epilson at LSU thought it was a good idea before the Kent State game last Saturday to put up a banner saying “Getting Massacred Is Nothing New to Kent St.” Well that ought to do wonders for the image of SEC frat boys being Neanderthals.
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#Jaguars fans rallying to push the team to sign #TimTebow. A few more games like last night’s and #49ers fans will be right behind them.
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A few thoughts over last Saturday’s ASU-Wisconsin game . 1. The refs screwed up. 2. Instant replay doesn’t overcome incompetence. 3. If you have a play designed simply to take a knee, EXECUTE it cleanly.
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Just guessing if Stanford ever has a ceremony to celebrate their big 2011 Orange Bowl win, they’re not going to put Richard Sherman and his former coach Jim Harbaugh next to each other.
Jerry Seinfeld will be part of the broadcast crew Tuesday night for the NY Mets and SF Giants game. As if the two teams’ play this year hasn’t been comical enough.
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From Jim Barach: Free Wi-Fi will be available to fans going to the Philadelphia Eagles stadium, Lincoln Financial Field. That will allow them to log their computers into NFL.com and watch all the football games that actually matter.
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From Marc Ragovin: “Interesting results from NYC school kids’ testing. While a vast majority could not do simple arithmetic, 97% correctly figured out when the Mets would be mathematically eliminated from contention.”
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And finally a little bipartisan picture humor for a day when we need it.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, baseball jokes, janice hough jokes, Mets jokes, NFL jokes, Seahawks jokes
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September 15, 2013
Miss America was tonight. Women tune in for the dresses. Men tune in for the swimsuit competition. And comedy writers tune in for the interview questions.
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Okay, clearly the fix was in. Miss California, a Stanford graduate, got the Miss America question about bombing Syria….
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Lebron James apparently married his long-time girlfriend in a private ceremony. Kudos to him for not making a circus out of THAT decision.
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Vladimir Guerrero announced his retirement from baseball. Since he last played in 2011, perhaps he didn’t need to announce it? (Still wish the SF Giants had signed him when Alou was managing, they might have gotten that trophy with the little flags sooner.)
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Not sure of all that will go on in Wisconsin’s football practices this week. But a “taking a knee” clinic will no doubt be included.
You think YOUR team is bad? WKMG TV in Orlando felt they needed to run a scrolled message today saying that NFL policy states the station must carry all Jacksonville Jaguars away games. The end of the message said: “We apologize for any inconvenience.”
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And we wonder why we have gridlock. The Tea Party in Kentucky is backing a primary challenger to Senator Mitch McConnell, because they think he compromises too much and is too moderate….
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Silver lining moment: This was one Sunday when NY Jets fans know their team won’t disappoint them.
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–A young man was hospitalized with non-life threatening injures after he fell four stories through a skylight at an Massachusetts Institute of Technology fraternity. Shocking. MIT has fraternities?
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Another thought on the above young man. Just guessing he got an F on that first aeronautical engineering project?
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Oops. This correction in Arizona Highways magazine after an article on edible wild plants: “The fly agaric mushroom should not be consumed in its raw form because of its unpredictable psychotropic and physical effects,”
Unsaid to those who already tried the fly agaric, also known as a “magic mushroom”, – we REALLY hope you aren’t driving.
(or as friends of mine suggest… flying..)
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Larry Summers withdrew his name from consideration for Federal Reserve chairman. Thereby wasting more than a few Senators’ already written speeches against him.
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Anyone watching SF Giants and 49ers today who didn’t know the standings might have guessed the wrong team expected to go to the postseason. (And the Giants scored more too.)
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Not sure what would have helped the 49ers tonight? Maybe more lightning?
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Okay, Richard Sherman was smirking after tonight’s 49rs-Seahawks game. But have to think that somewhere Alex Smith was smiling just a little bit.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers joke, janice hough jokes, Miss America jokes, NFL jokes, Seahawks jokes, SF Giants jokes
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September 10, 2013
SI is reporting that when Les Miles coached at Oklahoma State, players were allegedly paid from $2,000 to $10,000 annually, with a few receiving $25,000 or more. And wonder at how many schools, current players are thinking “cheapskates.”
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Two prison guards have been placed on leave while Ohio investigators look into the suicide of Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro. Instead of having them do nothing could we transfer the two men and have them temporarily guard Jerry Sandusky?
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The NFL fined Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 for his hit on John Sullivan Sunday, but they won’t suspend him. Makes sense, with Suh suspended the league’s fine totals would likely be greatly reduced.
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49ers QB Colin Kaepernick apparently has a bet going this week with Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. Quick where’s Roger Goodell with the fines?
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As Anthony Weiner’s car drove away after his concession speech, the candidate flipped the bird at a reporter. Stay classy, Carlos Danger.
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Spitzer and Weiner, both gone. Who knew the voters of New York were less forgiving of moral lapses than those in South Carolina?
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Fox’s Dana Perino is “tired” of atheists trying to remove the phrase “under God” from the Pledge of Allegiance. “If these people really don’t like it, they don’t have to live here.” Right, because who in America would argue against the words of the Founding Fathers… Oops, wait, never mind…..
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Anyone but me getting the sense that some in the GOP hope this potential Syria diplomatic solution fails?
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Just wondering, of all the members of Congress who publicly responded to President Obama’s Syria speech, did any of them compose their response after the speech?
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Mitch McConnell gave a speech on the Senate floor today opposing Obama’s potential air strikes, saying “There are just too many unanswered questions about our long-term strategy in Syria.” Shame he didn’t have these scruples with Iraq.
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Gosh, how sorry does Bud Selig feel for the Yankees this year? MLB has them opening in 2014 against the Houston Astros.
Don’t get me wrong, I hope the NY Yankees don’t make the playoffs. But the only silver lining if they do is the thought of Bud Selig sweating over the remote possibility of awarding the World Series MVP to A-Rod.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ariel Castro jokes, janice hough jokes, New York jokes, NFL jokes, Spitzer jokes, Weiner jokes
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September 6, 2013
How do you not love a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game for 8 innings who strikes out the leadoff batter in the 9th with three pitches: 77 mph, 76 mph and 77 mph. And it was a swinging strike three.
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Actually rarer to lose perfect game on 27th batter (12 times) than to throw a perfect game (23 times) #SFGiants #YusmeiroPetit #damnericchavez
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Prefer college football generally to the NFL, except for the post season. If the NFL were the NCAA, the defending champion Baltimore Ravens would have fallen enough in the rankings last night to guarantee they wouldn’t be in the national championship.
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Apparently teams are telling #TimTebow he’s not an NFL quarterback. Well, that never stopped Rex Grossman.
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General Mills is recalling some refrigerated Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because the dough may contain plastic pieces. Surprised they aren’t touting the plastic as adding fiber.
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New Chicago Cubs pitcher, Daniel Bard, claimed off waivers from the Boston Red Sox, says “To have a fresh environment to work in is really exciting.” Not to mention not having to deal with all that playoff pressure.
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Most of the cast of “The Big Chill” assembled in Toronto for a 30th anniversary showing of the movie. The theme song’s changed a bit though. Now,it’s “You not only can’t always get what you want, you can’t always remember what it is you wanted.”
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Downton Abbey is actually shot at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, but apparently increasing numbers of Americans are heading to the small village of Downton, 200 miles away, looking for where they film the show…. Can’t imagine where we get the reputation for being stupid tourists.
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The Columbus (OH) Dispatch had a headline this morning saying that “Elway throws seven touchdown passes.” Hmm, wonder if this means the paper will ascribe arrests of Urban Meyer players this fall to the University of Florida.
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President Obama and Putin had a conversation that Obama said was “constructive” Putin says they still don’t agree, “but we listened to each other. Well, that’s better than between the President and Congress.
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Worst thing about Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance Thursday night? Means the endless media deification of Ray Lewis from last year will go on for at least another week
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San Jose State will play Stanford for the 67th and perhaps last time in football Saturday night, and the Spartan’s coach made it sound as it was because the Cardinal didn’t want to play “home and home” (Alternate stadiums.) Of course the fact that San Jose State ended up accepting $3 MILLION to travel twice to Auburn instead of playing Stanford has nothing to do with it.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes, Tim Tebow jokes, Yusmeiro Petit
Comments: 1 Comment
August 27, 2013
The 197 year old “Farmer’s Almanac,” which has an amazing record for accuracy, predicts “bitterly cold” subnormal temperatures for Feb 1-3, 2014 in the New York City area. Insert “it will be a cold day in hell when (fill-in-the-blank-team) makes it to the Super Bowl” here.
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Bank of America said they will review working conditions after an intern died after reportedly working until 6a three nights in a row. Many law firms are thinking “What, does B of A think they were too soft on the kid?”
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Many people think that Miley Cryus’s VMA performance yesterday was obscene and not fit for children. Wonder how many fathers today are thinking they need to closely reexamine the evidence?
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Who knew Hannah Montana was a stripper name?
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Barry Zito, who has a double-digit ERA on the road this year, was the starting pitcher Monday night for the SF Giants against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Wonder if Denver air traffic control was alerted for possible round objects ending up in flight paths?
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Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli, who announced her retirement from tennis Aug 14, now says “It’s pretty hard to say I would never come back.” “Atta girl!” responded Brett Favre.
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Our foreign policy at its finest: A Russian newspaper reported that Edward Snowden was stuck at the Moscow airport only after Cuba, bowing to U.S. pressure, warned Aeroflot that it would not allow his flight from Russia to land in Havana. And U.S. citizens can travel to Russia anytime, whereas Cuban travel (along with rum and cigars) is embargoed.
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An 21 year old has invented a topical sprayable caffeine, which he hopes to bring to market this fall. Ben Yu said that his spray “won’t change the world.” On the other hand, it might save a few marriages, if spouses can keep it handy for mornings when coffee isn’t available.
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Khloe Kardashian is complaining about the stories about her husband, Kim claims she is trying to protect her baby’s privacy. (Except for a picture on mom’s failing talk show.) Here’s a suggestion, folks. Want privacy? Quit making your careers be bleeping reality television.
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Really? A man has come forward 40 years later to claim that Billie Jean King’s $100,000 victory over Bobby Riggs was actually rigged so Riggs could have $100,000 in gambling debts forgiven. Except, a win would have netted him the money to pay off those debts….
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Why revenue-sharing needs a minimum team payroll to go with it: The Houston Astros, with a $13 million payroll, are according to Forbes going to make an estimated $99 million in operating income this season…. (You’d think fans would at least get a break on beer prices.)
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Scoot Airlines, Singapore Airlines’ budget carrier, is now offering passengers the option to pay a $14 surcharge for “ScootinSilence,” five rows in economy where no children. Right, because the sound of a screaming baby can carry no further than five rows…
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bank of America jokes, janice hough jokes, Miley Cryus jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes, Snowden jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 22, 2013
Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.
Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.
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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.
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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.
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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.
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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.” One contestant’s response: “Arkansas.”
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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.
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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.
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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.
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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”
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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?
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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….
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From T.C. “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”
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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.
http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bradley Manning jokes, Congress jokes, hernandez jokes, janice hough jokes, NFL jokes, PED jokes, Ryan Braun jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
August 8, 2013
You know, instead of boycotting the 2014 Sochi Olympics, the entire USA team could just walk in holding hands.
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Today was the first day of the NFL preseason. Completely meaningless games in August. Making the whole country honorary Cubs fans.
–Lebron James reported for jury duty this morning but was dismissed. Guess the judge didn’t want to risk turning the jury’s decision into a one-hour TV special.
Okay, it’s only preseason, but how lousy did the SF 49ers look tonight on offense? Some fans thought they were watching the SF Giants?
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Dr. Sanjay Gupta comes out in support of medical marijuana: ‘We have been terribly and systematically misled.” If only Thomas Jefferson had grown marijuana along with tobacco. How different our “Bill of Rights” might have been?
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NCAA president Mark Emmert said today that they will stop selling jerseys of college athletes, including those of Johnny Manziel, online: “We’re going to exit that kind of business immediately. I certainly understand how people can see that as hypocritical.” With all due respect Mr. Emmert, even Stevie Wonder could see that as hypocritical.
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August 8 was “World Cat Day.” To which most cats respond “Isn’t EVERY day world cat day?”
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I thought there was a major golf tournament this weekend but all I see in the news is this stuff about Tiger Woods having a bad round.
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Family values alert: A Florida mother and daughter were arrested this week and will both face charges after soliciting “two-for-one” sex deals online. Your move, Arizona.
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Anyone need any more proof on the unreliability of online rating services? Tripadvisor just rated New York as America’s fourth-best pizza town. Behind San Diego, Las Vegas and Boston.
Bus to hell time. Miami resident Derek Medina allegedly shot his wife to death this morning, and then posted a picture of her body on his Facebook page. Previously Medina’s only claim to fame was as the author of the e-book “How I Saved Someone Else’s Life and Marriage through Communication.”
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From Bill Littlejohn, “I hear that while at the University of Florida, Riley Cooper made the Paula Deen’s List-“
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, medical marijuana jokes, NCAA jokes, NFL jokes, NFL preseason jokes, olympic boycott jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 28, 2013
SF Giants are heading to the White House tomorrow for a celebration of their 2012 World Series win. The team might really connect with President Obama, who also knows what it’s like to have a big win and then a bit of a letdown year.
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Rumors are that MLB will FINALLY announce all the Biogenesis suspensions this week. Maybe they can have the announcement sponsored by Nike “Just Do It, already.”
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After this homestand the SF Giants need to add an asterisk when they sell those “game-used” bats.
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But really, the Giants can’t catch any breaks in 2013. Where are the Houston Astros when you need them.
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In the “misery loves company” department, if the season ended today, Giants players could watch the playoffs from their couch along with the Yankees, Angels and Phillies – four teams, with a combined payroll of over $671 million.
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USA, USA, USA! The U.S. won the Gold Cup today. “Awesome, said most Americans. “What’s the Gold Cup?”
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Aww story: Hunter Mahan, who was leading the Canadian Open, left abruptly before his Saturday tee time when his wife went into early labor, and made it back to Texas for the birth of his first child, a daughter. Think he’s got the trump card for that parent-teenager “Dad, you never cared about me” argument….
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Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel was kicked out of a frat party this weekend… in Austin, at A & M’s arch-rival the University of Texas. Forget Manziel’s party behavior, he may be too stupid to be an NFL QB.
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Oakland Raiders receiver Andre Holmes has been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s PED policy. And these days the reaction is “meh, at least he wasn’t arrested.”
UNC suspended P.J. Hairston, their leading men’s basketball scorer, after his third traffic citation in less than 2 months, this time for allegedly driving 93 MPH. Is this Hairston’s way of trying to join the list of college basketball players who’ve been drafted by the NFL?
From T.C. “News flash from Camden Yards. The Baltimore Orioles announced today that thanks to David Ortiz, the visitors’ dugout is now wireless.-“
(for the uninitiated, link follows – http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/07/david-ortiz-obliterated-a-dugout-phone-with-his-bat/ )
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Johnny Manziel jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 20, 2013
Now even ESPN is reporting on the increasing problem with seagulls showing up in mass numbers during SF Giants games. Time for a new promo? “Bring Your Cat” night.
(An anonymous friend suggests “free shotguns for the first 20,000 fans”
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Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas has died at the age of 92. Whatever you thought of her politics, she had more cojones than most men in the job.
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NY Giants safety Will Hill was suspended for four games in 2012 for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing substances policy. Today, the league says Hill violated the policy again and will be suspended in 2013 —for four more games. Yeah, but this time it will really teach him.
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Yoenis Cespedes was scratched from the Oakland A’s game against the Los Angeles Angels yesterday due to a “sore left wrist.” Not maybe what Bud Selig had in mind when he wanted the All-Star game to count.
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Signs that we’re getting to the serious part of the baseball season: 1. The All-Star Break. 2. The Red Sox and Yankees are back on the “Game of the Week” and “Sunday Night Baseball.”
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Have to assume that Kate Middleton is insulated from the nonstop British media coverage of the royal baby watch. But probably her biggest regret about the early morning sickness is not being able to pretend she got pregnant a month or two later. Then she could declare a late August due date, and just tell the public “Surprise!”
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Dennis Baxley, one of the authors of Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, said that people shouldn’t boycott the state, because the law was intended in part to help protect tourists. “If you’re here with your family and you want to feel safe, that if you defend yourself or your family from a hotel invasion or if somebody [is] trying to carjack you, and you have to meet force with force,” you should know that the state of Florida won’t prosecute you.”
Should we rename it “the trigger-happiest place on Earth?”
There’s nothing like a dame. Helen Mirren, talking to the U.K. Daily Mail: “If I’d had children and had a girl, the first words I would have taught her would have been “f*** off” because we weren’t brought up ever to say that to anyone, were we?
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Mariano Rivera was cheered today in Fenway Park. A nice gesture by the Boston fans, but besides recognizing his accomplishments, they’re also thinking “After this year we don’t have to see him anymore.”
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Bizarre thing about this roller coaster death in Texas. It will scare millions of people out of riding roller coasters. And will make millions more more likely to ride them.
About 1,000 Montreal fans were at today’s Blue Jays game, with the announced mission of trying to get major league baseball back in their city. Amazing that they could still get all the Expos’ season ticket holders together.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Kate Middleton jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 17, 2013
One reason that so many people are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the royal baby? How often do we get a real celebrity baby born in wedlock?
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So little offense in Tuesday night’s All-Star game you had to wonder if all the batters knew they might be asked to provide a urine sample after the game?
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Governor Rick Perry, in an Illinois radio ad trying to lure business to his state – “The escape route leads straight to Texas.” Uh, aren’t they talking about a fence for that?
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Matt Harvey said in a Men’s Journal article that he hopes to have the kind of love life Derek Jeter has had, not just the beautiful women, but the privacy. Apparently Harvey, 24, hasn’t thought about Jeter being lucky enough to be in HIS 20s before everyone from age 7 to 70 had their own camera phone.
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Gay marriages will now be legal in England, Queen Elizabeth II gave her royal assent to a bill passed in Parliament. Of course, watching her own four children couldn’t have given the Queen any sense that “traditional” marriage needed to be defended….
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An interesting sidelight to the legalization of gay marriage in Britain…. it was Prime Minister David Cameron, a leader of the Conservatives, who first proposed the legislation.
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San Francisco now has its own Applebee’s on Fisherman’s Wharf. For all those locals and tourists who haven’t known where to get a good pomegranate martini made with Sprite. (No joke, was in an Applebee’s in Kansas, only place open late, and had to have them hold the Sprite.)
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Asiana Airlines is dropping plans to sue KTVU, the TV station that mistakenly read the four fake pilot names on air. Presumably at least in part because the airline realized such a suit would lead to about four million fake lawyer name jokes.
Despite the most recent controversy swirling around him after his early departure from the Manning QB camp, Johnny Manziel says “I’m still going to live my life to the fullest.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next possible arrest date?
Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel said he ended up leaving the Manning QB camp simply because he missed a meeting when he overslept. Yo, Johnny, they’re called alarm clocks. (And there’s an app for that.)
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Meanwhile in San Francisco, LB NaVorro Bowman is talking about the “huge mistake” by QB Colin Kaepernick – being seen wearing a Miami Dolphins hat. Is it just me, or should “huge mistake” be reserved for situations where the police are involved. Or maybe butt fumbles.
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If Russia gives Snowden asylum South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham is now suggesting the U.S. consider a boycott the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi. Yeah, that 1980 boycott turned out so well with Afghanistan….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Asiana airlines jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, John Manziel jokes, NFL jokes, royal baby jokes
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July 12, 2013
Millions of Americans seem far more invested in the All-Star game voting than in political elections. But to be fair, almost all the baseball candidates offer a decent chance at a good performance.
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19.7 million votes for Freddie Freeman in just a few days. Maybe to increase U.S. voter participation we should give Americans bonus All-Star votes?
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After he was accused of sexual harassment, San Diego mayor Bob Filner today apologized for his behavior, saying he failed to respect women who work for him. Surprised Filner didn’t say he was just preparing to be Governor of California.
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The Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with their neighborhood to install the first Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Wonder if part of the agreement the Cubs reminding residents that they wouldn’t have to deal with the scoreboard after March and starting in October.
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No more World Peace in Los Angeles? And anyone who isn’t an NBA fan responds “And your point is?” (Or, as if World Peace ever stood a chance in Los Angeles?)
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On the front page of Palo Alto Daily Post today “Correction – (name withheld on this blog), 51, of Palo Alto, was not fully nude when police say he was seen performing lewd acts on himself while bicycling through Seale Park on Thursday. Only a portion of his anatomy was exposed, leading to the arrest, police said.” Well I’m sure the man is glad they cleared that up..
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Michael Weiner, director of the MLB players union said that leaks about the Bigenesis-PED investigation “threaten to harm the integrity” of the drug agreement. Shocking, someone believes there was any “integrity” in the drug agreement?
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Derek Jeter was removed in the eighth inning from his first game of the season due to tightness in his quad. Or maybe the Yankees was just rushing to make the “Early Bird Special.”
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The pilot of the Asiana plane that crashed at SFO now says that a flash of light temporarily blinded him 34 seconds before impact, when the plane was already way too low and slow. Guess there were no lifeboats he could claim to have been pushed into?
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Already on probation for assaulting a police officer in 2012, Patriots CB Alfonzo Dennard was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Looking like a good thing New England signed Tebow – they’ll need all the prayers they can get.
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Story now is that Dwight Howard was unhappy with the Los Angeles Lakers because he felt Kobe should have passed the torch. Okay, and how dumb is it to go into a situation expecting Kobe to pass ANYTHING?
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The judge in the George Zimmerman case agreed that jurors can consider the lesser charge of manslaughter. Which may or may not help the prosecutors win their case. But it does make them smarter than their compatriots who went after Casey Anthony.
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Apparently police are on alert in Orlando for the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.
Depending on the verdict, Central Florida could see the biggest riots since – a – Walt Disney World raised prices, or b – Denny’s raised the prices on their “Early Bird Special.”
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Today, 7/11, is “Free Slurpee Day” at 7/11. What does it say about this country when
some people can’t be bothered to vote, but they line up for free frozen sugar water….
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In the never-ending discussion of whether men or women are more intelligent, I give you the annual week long “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona, Spain, and the gender breakdown of the human runners….. Nuff said.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star game jokes Florida jokes, baseball jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 10, 2013
Oakland Raiders’ LB Kaluka Maiava has been charged with assault after a fight earlier this year in a Maui bar. Gosh, and there goes the NFL’s streak of about 72 hours since the last arrest.
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Let’s hope SF Giants get it together soon. Otherwise the seagulls who fly into A T and T Park to hunt for garbage might fly away with half the team’s outfield.
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Sarah Palin may run for the Senate in 2014. Apparently she’s decided it would be a great place to spend three years of her life..
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Actual notice on a FedEx wine shipment. “Do not deliver to an intoxicated person.” Great, what do we need now? Drivers with portable breathalyzers?
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Now a video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a restaurant mop bucket. I know the singer is young, but is he trying to prove he’s old enough for Lindsay Lohan?
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Have no real reason to suspect Chris Davis of PEDs, but for all those who say, “He MUST be clean because he has spoken so stridently against them,” see Ryan Braun and Rafael Palmeiro.
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Pitcher Chad Gaudin, now with the SF Giants, formerly with the Yankees, has been charged with “open and gross lewdness” for making advances and groping a woman in a Las Vegas hospital this January. Who did Gaudin think he was? Joe Namath?
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Wal-Mart is threatening not to open three planned stores in Washington, D.C. if the city goes ahead with raising the minimum wage to $12.50 an hour. Well, and why not? Why should government interfere with the right of a corporation to pay as little as possible when food stamps and Medicaid are available?
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They may have swept the Giants but they’re still the Mets: The NY Mets drastically scaled back Native American Heritage day when they realized they were to host Atlanta the same day. Because they didn’t want to offend the Braves. So now they offended the actual Indians, who pulled out of the event.
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Pat Robertson says he would like to see a “Vomit” button on Facebook for photos of gay couples. Funny, because millions of gay and straight couples would like to see a “Vomit’ button for pictures of Pat Robertson
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Former Florida State OL Menelik Watson just got his ACC championship ring on Wednesday. Except that it read “2012 SEC Champions.”
Two reactions: At the jewelry company – “FSU football players can read?” At Ohio State – “Darn, a ring with a mistake would have fetched more money.”
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House Speaker John Boehner says the House will not even vote on the bipartisan immigration bill passed by the Senate 68-32. Apparently they’re too busy with symbolic abortion bills and repeals of Obamacare.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: NY Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; )or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots.) There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Boehner jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrest jokes, NFL jokes, Pat Robertson jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 10, 2013
Reports are that MLB will suspend as many as 20 active players for PEDs, including Ryan Braun and A-Rod, possibly on the day after the All-Star Game. So much for ESPN trying to fill a slow sports news day.
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Just wondering, after last year and with the Biogenesis story lurking in MLB’s background has Bud Selig suggested to Jim Leyland that he NOT put Bartolo Colon in position to be the All-Star Game MVP?
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In an obituary published in the Columbus Dispatch, longtime fan Scott E. Entsminger, 55. requested “six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.” I see a new marketing opportunity for the Chicago Cubs.
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The Los Angeles Lakers had the highest luxury tax in the NBA last year – over $29 million. Really. And not even a senior discount?
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Details details… So IF Snowden decides to accept asylum in Venezuela, the flights between Moscow and Caracus go through Frankfurt, Paris, Rome, Madrid Miami, JFK or Madrid. All of which require a valid passport for transit. Oops. Add to the list of things Snowden should have thought through…. talking to a good travel agent.
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Barnes and Noble announced the resignation of their CEO today. Shocking! Barnes and Noble is still in business?
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So in the George Zimmerman circus, er, trial, now the defense planned to introduce evidence that Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system at the time of his death. Because we all know how energetic and aggressive smoking pot makes you?
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After Dwight Howard said he would sign with Houston, the Rockets GM went on Twitter and TV to talk about it. Which is apparently against rules during the July 1-10 free agent moratorium.. So the NBA fined the team $150,000. Right. And flopping is $5,000…. Ah priorities.
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-A new rock bottom? San Francisco Giants don’t need a trade. They need a 12-step program.
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TC trying to top my last week’s groaner about Morsi – that his countrymen thought “He Gypped” them:
“Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi has been overthrown by the country’s military. Of course he’s still in DeNile.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biogenesis jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Snowden jokes
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July 7, 2013
Congrats to Andy Murray. First British winner of Wimbledon since 1936. Or as Cubs fans call that – “Only Yesterday.”
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Just how much does Murray’s #Wimbledon win mean in Britain? If William & Kate’s baby was born Sunday night it might have been only the 2nd story on the news.
(my friend Rick suggests, and it might have had to been named Andy.)
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There were a lot more Los Angeles Dodgers fans at A T and T Park in San Francisco yesterday than there appeared to be Djokovic fans at Wimbledon.
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It was 86 degrees today at Wimbledon, wondering where the Mad Dogs were?
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The Green Bay Packers now say they want to retire Brett Favre’s jersey no later than the 2016 season. Or presumably sooner, so he doesn’t un-retire again.
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Now it’s Eliot Spitzer on the comeback trail, apparently running for New York City Comptroller. So if he and Anthony Weiner win assume the city goes from an “I LOVE NY” tourism campaign to “I LUST NY”?
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Also in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up” dept – one of Spitzer’s opponents is his former madam. Really. Kristin Davis. Running as a Libertarian.
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Random serious thought after yesterday’s Asiana crash. I know it’s all about the money, but wonder if U.S. airlines might actually now stop allowing elderly or frail looking travelers to purchase exit row seats.
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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton caddied for Ryan Palmer this weekend at the Greenbrier Classic. Have to figure other golfers on the PGA tour were hoping Payton would put bounties on some of those clowns yelling “Get in the Hole.”
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NY Giants LB Dan Connor was arrested today when TSA agents found a 4-inch switchblade knife in his carry-on bag. And the NFL is thinking “At least it wasn’t a gun.”
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Some good news today from A T and T Park. The SF Giants didn’t win, but they broke up Clayton Kershaw’s no-hitter in the first inning. And they batted in the right order.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andy Murray jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrests, NFL jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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July 3, 2013
As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?
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Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.
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A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.
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According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?
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As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.
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Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool
(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)
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Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”
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For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.
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Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Egypt jokes, Janice Hough, July 4th jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
June 30, 2013
We can tell it’s officially summer. The New York Yankees are on Sunday Night Baseball.
The New York Yankees have now lost five in a row. No joke. I just like typing that.
(And hey, okay, the SF Giants lost six in a row. But they are now on a one game winning streak. And yeah, it’s been a rough month. )
SF Giants are tied for worst in majors as having only 29 games this year where they shut out their opponent in the first inning. This stat is shocking to regular Giants fans… there have been 29 games in 2013 where SF pitchers didn’t allow a first inning run? (Today was 30. Barely, after Madison Bumgarner allowed first and third with no outs in the first.)
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Sarah Palin says that if the GOP continues to “neglect conservatives” she is open to leaving and creating a new “Freedom Party.” And many Republicans are thinking “Promise?
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So I know you can already bet in Las Vegas on the over-under for the 2014 Super Bowl score. Can you bet on the over-under for 2013 NFL arrests?
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The Baltimore Orioles’ Chris Davis is having a breakout season with 31 home runs so far. So which will be more prevalent, the discussion of him as a possible MVP, or as a possible PED user?
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Former Patriots WR Deion Branch told a reporter that Aaron Hernandez is “a great guy and a great friend of mine and a great teammate. I love him to death, and it was shocking to hear his name involved in this situation.” Of course Branch has the perspective that Hernandez never saw him talking to anyone he didn’t like.
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Four tourists and the pilot are fine when a NYC sightseeing helicopter had to make an emergency landing in the Hudson river. We know the helicopter wasn’t owned by a major U.S. airline. Otherwise they’d have charged extra for the “Sully” experience.
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Interesting suggestion from Mike Lupica of the NY Daily News – “If you are an NFL player found to be in possession of an unregistered weapon, you get suspended for eight games, twice what you get for a dope offense, just for being a dope.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, airline jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Yankees jokes
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June 29, 2013
Arrest number 37 in 2013. Indianapolis Colts safety Joe Lefeged has been arrested on gun-related charges after a traffic stop in Washington, D.C. Is it too soon to start naming an all-prison team?
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When Aaron Hernandez had some issues at Florida, Urban Meyer said that he had rehabilitated the young man with daily Bible study sessions that the then Gator coach conducted personally. Well, that ought to make moms of Ohio State players feel all warm and fuzzy.
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Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful story about that poor young man in Egypt. But now the U.S. is warning Americans to stay away after an Ohio college student died when he was stabbed by a protester. What, and they should stay here in places like Detroit, Chicago, Los Angeles and Baltimore?
Paula Deen’s cookbook publisher has now cancelled upcoming volumes. So will a silver lining in this mess be at least a small dip in U.S. heart attacks and obesity rates?
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Not “the Onion”: On July 3, The Huntsville Stars, a Milwaukee Brewers Double-A team, have “2nd Amendment Night – fun, food, and firepower.” The game will be free for all NRA members, and fans will have the chance to win one of three guns in a raffle. Maybe not a good night to start an argument in the stands or parking lot?
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Four Vanderbilt football players have been dismissed from the team and suspended from the school over an alleged sex crime in a university dorm. Who says Vandy doesn’t belong in the SEC?
–#SFGiants. At some point it is not that a string of opposing pitchers are having great outings. At some point it is that your hitting s*cks.
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Apparently the father of Edward Snowden has offered federal authorities a deal whereby his son would return voluntarily to the United States to face espionage charges. Translation, that Moscow airport transit lounge isn’t quite the dream destination Snowden had in mind when he started all this.
Dwight Howard going to meet with the Rockets. Houston, you may be about to have a problem.
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You can’t make this “stuff” up: Now that gay marriages are taking place in California, groups have filed appeals to reinstate the ban against them. One of the groups calls itself the “Alliance Defending Freedom.”
Alec Baldwin, trying to dig himself out of the latest hole he dug with one of his rants, says that when he called a reporter a “toxic little queen” it wasn’t homophobic. So Baldwin’s defense is that he is equally obnoxious to everyone?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Paula Deen jokes, Snowden jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 