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So many questions…

December 16, 2012

It is possible that we who are in favor of gun control have it wrong as far as stopping mass killings. Maybe we should be looking at regulating young white men.

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Would those who consider the Second Amendment as literal gospel be willing to consider a government program whereby automatic weapons would be turned in and exchanged for muskets?

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A Bushmaster .223  Semiautomatic Rifle with a 30-round magazine…. So who exactly needs one for self-defense or hunting?

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No comment, – apparently the Sandy Hook shooter’s mother thought she needed the guns for self-defense.

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Back to distraction…

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So who’s enjoying the Los Angeles Lakers’ woeful start more.  Former coach Mike Brown,  or fans of Dwight Howard’s former team, the Orlando Magic?

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Domino’s Pizza founder Tom Monaghan is suing the federal government because he objects to the requirement mandating contraception coverage in his company’s healthcare plan. Wonder how other employers feel about covering health related issues resulting from eating Domino’s Pizza.

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N. Joseph Woodland, the inventor of the bar code, has died at the age of 91. Can we assume that at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter will soon be updating that clipboard?

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Two college bowls down. Thirty-three to go. Once again, the holidays are are about pacing yourself…

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December 15   started Capital One Bowl Week, which runs until January 7. And they wonder why many football players are bad at math.

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The SF Giants won the World Series, Stanford’s going to the Rose Bowl, the SF 49ers are going to the playoffs, and even the Golden State Warriors are winning. Anyone checked the Northern California water supply for PEDs?

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Nothing to make you feel old like having Saturday Night Live announce a future musical guest and you not only don’t like their music, you have no idea who the act is.

 

The Toronto Raptors’ Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are “pretty much the worst team in the NBA.” Responded the Washington Wizards: “Who are we, chopped liver?”

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One million morons?

December 7, 2012

Uh, really? This from “One Million Moms,” about the latest J C Penney cute holiday commercial: “A new JCP ad features Ellen (Degeneres) and three elves. JCP has made their choice to offend a huge majority of their customers again. Christians must now vote with their wallets.” And somewhere Jesus is probably thinking “Don’t lay this on me, morons, I love Ellen.”

(and actually, “One Million Moms” is reputedly an organization of about 40,000.)

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Jim DeMint is resigning his South Carolina Senate seat to take over as president of the Heritage Foundation. According to Charitywatch.org, the salary for the position is currently $1,172,321. No wonder DeMint didn’t want to raise taxes on the super rich. He’s about to become super rich.

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Rumors that some are trying to draft Stephen Colbert to run for senate in Jim DeMints’ place. Well, it sure would increase ratings for C-Span.

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The Yankees have apparently offered Kevin Youkilis a 1-year, $12 million deal. If he signs, expect an economic stimulus in Boston, as t-shirt vendors dig up those old traitor-Judas patterns they used for Damon.

 

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A Florida man was arrested after he told police he left a pit bull to watch a 10 month old baby while he went to a bar to drink beer. Scary thing, the dog was probably more responsible than the man.

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Some Americans who don’t like reading about the British Royal family don’t like the idea of people being important just because of an accident of birth. But hey, how’s that George W. Bush library going?

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Gay marriage and marijuana smoking are now legal in Washington. So get ready for some fabulous high times!

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Esquire Magazine has come out with a list of “Gifts under $25 that don’t suck.”  Of course, if you choose  any of them from the list, your recipients may now know you’re both unimaginative and cheap.

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Can’t understand how football players get the reputation for being neanderthals: Vikings LB Chad Greenway told a local paper that fans should get “super-duper drunk” Sunday to help Minnesota’s home-field advantage against the Bears- “Yeah I would say morning drinking. Why not? You could pull an all-nighter. Then you’d have the drunk, tired guys who will really be obnoxious.”

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Anna Gristina, known as New York’s “Hockey Mom Madam” says she is going to start naming client names, including some from the NFL. Well, not sure how their wives might feel, but on some level the idea that NFL players actually pay for consensual sex is better than many alternatives…

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NBA Commisioner David Stern defends his $250,000 fine of the Spurs for sending 3 stars home because the “club went beyond what owners agreed was a reasonable approach to resting healthy players”. Uh, one, does anyone think if San Antonio wasn’t playing Miami on TV that Stern would have noticed. And two, the Spurs still almost beat the Heat.

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My house is not quite your house.

November 29, 2012

President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?

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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.

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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”

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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?

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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State

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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?

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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”

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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.

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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?

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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?

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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.

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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.

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Halloween…

October 31, 2012

And it’s only the first game of the season, but looks like the Washington Wizards are doing their annual act of dressing up like an NBA team.

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All that money, all those stars, and the Lakers looked pretty flat.on opening night. Well, at least it takes the Los Angeles spotlight off the Dodgers.

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Just MAYBE these seasons combined with postseason games are getting too long? If the SF Giants hadn’t swept the Detroit Tigers the World Series would be overlapping the NBA openers.

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Meanwhile on Halloween, Mitt Romney is trying to decide whether to go as a Liberal, a Conservative or a Moderate. In other words,  just another day.

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In Alaska this past weekend, Levi Johnston married his second baby mama, Sunny Oglesby. So where’s Sarah Palin congratulating the father of her grandson on his belated family values?

 

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As the power stays off in much of the East Coast, wonder how many younger people are wishing if only there was a material you could use to make something to read or do puzzles on,  and that didn’t have to be charged or plugged into the wall.

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As the East Coast tries to recover from Sandy, your tax dollars at work out west: Nayda Suleman has checked into a Southern California Rehab clinic for 28 days to deal with a Xanax addiction….

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Well, at least he’s consistent. W’s FEMA director Michael Brown on Monday said President Obama acted too quickly in mobilizing relief for Sandy: “It’s premature [when] the brunt of the storm won’t happen until later this afternoon.”

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So wonder how long after the election it will take Donald Trump to file bankruptcy and ask for federal relief from Obama for his Atlantic City and New York properties?

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The NCAA says they have passed tougher sanctions to crack down harder on rule-breakers. Great, even more punishment for schools and athletes who get left behind when the cheaters go to another school or the NFL.

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George Lucas has agreed to sell Lucasfilm to Disney for $4.05 billion. Insert “dark side” joke here:

 

 

 

From T.C. “What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner?  Felix landed on his feet.”

 

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Really? Some have been criticizing President Obama because the speed of his investigation into Benghazi hasn’t been as swift as his response to Hurricane Sandy. Uh, maybe because there is a difference between a rush to judgment and a rush to put people’s lives back together?

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Back to jokes.

July 21, 2012

21 people in San Jose were treated for burns on their feet after a Tony Ribbons  “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, which concluded with participants “firewalking” in bare feet over hot coals.

Uh, wouldn’t a better title be “Unleash the Idiot Within?”

 

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What’s more bizarre? That in late July 2012 Tim Lincecum won to boost his record to 4-10. Or that many skeptics dismissed the win by saying “Oh, it’s only against the Phillies?”

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Our long national nightmare is over. Starting Monday, “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” are back on Direct TV.

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When asked about the new NBA idea to put ads on uniforms, MLB commissioner Bud Selig said “You learn never to say never, but you know, with us, uniforms are really important.” Translation, “The Yankees don’t want ads.”

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Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt was arrested this morning for DUI in Kentucky. Okay, so we can’t solve all the problems of the world, but maybe the NFL could start mandating contracts that include players using cars and drivers?

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A large black dog crossing the road in front of Tour de France riders has caused a crash in Friday’s stage of the race. And somewhere a French cat is sitting in the sun smirking and thinking “chien fou.”

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An Oregon woman is selling her house after a divorce with a “For Sale” sign saying “Husband left us for a 22 year old. No adulterers please.” Maybe if she’s lucky she’ll sell it to a gay couple who’ve been together 40 years.

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The U.S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing  service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform.

One word:  “Fabulous.”

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From Gary Bachman:  “Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, ‘What are condoms?’

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Aubrey Huff is going to return to San Francisco for another MRI. Apparently he had a knee setback. “Darn” said absolutely no Giants fans.

 

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Comings and goings,

July 18, 2012

Kris Humphries signed a two-year deal to stay with the Brooklyn Nets. Leave it to the Kardashians to make the NBA look like a bastion of committed relationships.

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Russell R. Wasendorf Sr. is being investigated for allegedly stealing more than $200 million from customer accounts at Iowa’s Peregrine Financial Group. Wasendorf blames the fraud on “mean spirited” regulators trying to put him out of business. And Bernie Madoff said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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The FDA has approved a new diet drug pill for the first time in over a decade. Wonder if the instructions include “Hold steadily and firmly between the lips?”

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Apparently the New York Knicks will let Jeremy Lin go. If Jeremy really loves Manhattan as much as he says, sounds like the real Lin-sanity might have been that offer sheet he signed with Houston.

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Now the rumor again is the Dwight Howard may be heading to the Los Angeles Lakers. This trade process has lasted longer than most NBA players’ college careers.

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So Jeremy’s signed with the Houston Rockets. In New York terms – “I’m mov-Lin out?

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Latest GOP anti-Obama ad is about ‘crony-capitalism’ alleging the President gave preferential treatment to companies run or invested in by donors. Uh, where was this outrage with say, Enron or Halliburton?

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But really?  Crony capitalism?”  Isn’t it supposed to be “crony socialism?”-

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Senator John McCain said Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with his decision on choosing a running mate, saying he chose Sarah Palin because she was a “better candidate.” Guess he could be right.

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Delta Airlines still trying to explain the needles in their sandwiches. Ryan Air would have charged extra for the sewing kit.

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Needles on a plane? Or at least in your sandwiches. Moral of story, beware of airline snacks that promise sharp cheese.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “An artist made an amazing sand sculpture of Fenway Park–it included Bobby Valentine burying his head in it”

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Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner apparently is thinking of running for mayor of New York.  He allegedly already has donations, from the first SuperPAC founded and run by comedy writers.

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This week is SEC media days. Where at Arkansas they have to deal with the sudden departure of football coach Bobby Petrino following a midnight motorcycle crash with his mistress.   The Razorbacks motto this year? “At least we aren’t Penn State.”

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Well, we now know the 2012 Tour de France is really in full swing. A rider (Frank Schleck of Luxembourg) has failed a doping test.

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This just in…

June 29, 2012

Justice John Roberts just updated his relationship status with the Republican party to “It’s complicated.”

Days like today really make me miss Molly Ivins.

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On an actual  rare  serious note  – Maybe this mattered, maybe it didn’t. But Chief Justice John Roberts has had at least two “grand mal” seizures. If he were a private citizen without employer-paid benefits, without Obamacare Roberts would have a very hard if not impossible time obtaining health insurance.

 

Patrick Gaspard, the Democratic National Committee executive director, stirred up things this morning with his tweet “It’s constitutional. Bitches.” Well, at least he didn’t say “Vagina.”

 

 

Well on some level we’re even. Europeans can’t understand why Americans make such a big deal about healthcare, and Americans can’t understand why Europeans make such a big deal about the Euro Cup.

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Wonder if some of the people screaming about the healthcare decision also think we should revoke mandatory car insurance.

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From Mitt Romney’s website: “As president, Mitt will nominate judges in the mold of Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito.”

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Hillary Clinton just visited her 100th country as Secretary of State; she has spent 337 days on the road since she took the job. No wonder Bill Clinton has been supportive of President Obama lately.

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Blackberry maker RIM has announced they will layoff 5,000 employees and delay their newest operating system. Wonder how many people read the news on their iPhones.

 

David Beckham, 37, has apparently been left off the British soccer team for the London Olympics. Maybe they got tired of him yelling at his teammates “You punks get off my field.”

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The ex-mistress of  Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson was arrested for trying to extort money by threatening to reveal naked pictures he had sent her. Besides being a coach, Jackson is also a pastor and founded a church (True Love Worship Center International). Well, at least his lover was an adult woman.

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Guess there’s no problem with immigration if you can hit a curve ball….Cuban outfielder Yasiel Puig, who defected last month to Mexico, has apparently reached agreement on a seven-year, $42 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers.

 

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Guilty, guilty, guilty.

June 23, 2012

Jerry Sandusky will probably be assigned to the geriatric unit of a minimum security prison. We can only hope it’s not solitary confinement.

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer told reporters today he would be shocked and “die of a heart attack” if the ex-coach were acquitted on all counts. Heck, after hearing the testimony, he’s probably shocked Sandusky even got bail.

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You can’t make this stuff up, Friday edition: A 46 yr. old mom was sentenced to probation, parenting classes and banned from Nordstrom’s for leaving her 11 wk old twins in the car while she returned purchases. The part you can’t make up, her job is program director at the Bay Area Surrogacy Program, providing professional advice to new parents.

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Well, at least the Jerry Sandusky verdict got Lebron and the Heat off the sports front page.

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And for that matter,  “poor” Rielle Hunter.   The Sandusky verdict Friday night made it a bad weekend for to be a media whore on a book tour.

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Rielle Hunter is saying she has no regrets about her affair with John Edwards. Duh. The woman is so publicity and money hungry, she’s been made an honorary Kardashian.

 

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Charlie Sheen, who is returning to television in FX’s new “Anger Management,” says It’s “I’m done playing a drunken, womanizing, immature character. This time I’m playing an adult.” But enough about his life, what’s the show about?

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Mary Cheney married her longtime partner Heather Poe today. Fox News is trying to figure out how to blame this on Obama.

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The Heat partied until 6am at the Fountainebleau Hotel after their championship win last night. No wonder Miami was so set on winning at home. Only place open until 600a in Oklahoma City probably is an IHOP.

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Some are saying that this year’s NBA finals mark the beginning of a long rivalry between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Miami Heat. Meanwhile in Seattle and Cleveland they’re joining together for the NBA version of the “First Wives Club.”

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All aboard.

June 20, 2012

Starting off on the bus to hell….

 

Jerry Sandusky’s wife testified in his defense today, saying boys regularly stayed over at their house and that her husband would regularly “go down and tell them goodnight.” Maybe she should have gotten a little suspicious when the bedtime reading he brought downstairs was “Caligula.”

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Another “Eww” moment for the morning: This line from Jerry Sandusky’s interview with Bob Costas was not aired, but may be used in prosecutors’ closing arguments: “And I didn’t go around seeking out every young person for sexual needs that I’ve helped” “Every?”

 

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More  “you can’t make this ‘stuff’ up.”    Bristol Palin, complaining to a friend after moving to Los Angeles:   “I have a ton of cameras on me and a ton of paparazzi. This is not fair. This is not fun.” This sad quote also captured on camera, during the filming of Bristol’s new reality tv show.

 

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Optimistic SF Giants fans may be thinking now that Barry Zito has apparently returned to form, maybe Tim Lincecum will return to HIS form.

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Texas Rangers announcer Dave Barnett will undergo a medical evaluation after giving a rambling description of a baseball game that included a mention of a runner being on “fifth base.” And a lot of Texas football fans heard this and said “And his problem was?”

 

 

 

Even Chris Webber watching Russell Westbrook make that stupid foul at the end of game three had to be thinking “Learn how to count, bro.”

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Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. We are not sure about Hosni Mubarak.

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20-200 hindsight? John Boehner criticized Obama’s new immigration policy saying it will “make it much more difficult for us to work in a bipartisan way to get to a permanent solution.” on the Dream Act. But in April, Boehner said “We’re operating in a very hostile political environment. To deal with a very difficult issue like this, I think it would be difficult at best.”

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Alec Baldwin is facing allegations he punched a NY Daily News photographer yesterday morning. Well, and who saw that one coming? Next we’ll hear that Lindsay Lohan was in a car accident.

 

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Ohio State star Jared Sullinger apparently has been medically flagged by NBA doctors who worry about issues with his back. Wow. This is the kind of thing that normally would have come out only after he was drafted by the Golden State Warriors. –

 

A nude model who was arrested for posing in body-paint in Time Square is now suing the city claiming her civil rights were violated.  This might be the first case in recorded history where men fight to get into jury duty.

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Congrats to Ann Romney for having a horse going to the Olympics to compete in dressage. But can you image the outcry from the GOP if the Obamas had a daughter competing in “elite” equestrian events?

 

It’s happened again – A woman was kicked off Southwest Airlines for showing too much cleavage. She ended up with an apology from the airline, and a lot of messages from men who wanted to know the number and date of her next flight.

(And back on the bus to hell note, Augie adds – “I always like to sit next to women with an abundance of cleavage for safety reasons. .. in case of an emergency water landing.”

 

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Oxymoron?

May 28, 2012

Isn’t the phrase “Happy Memorial Day” an  oxymoron?

Or at least a  non sequitur?

 

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The Miami Marlins’ Juan Carlos Oviedo, caught playing under the fake name of Leo Nunez, has been suspended by MLB for 8 weeks for age and identity fraud.   The pitcher will be eligible to return July 23. Guess he’ll be known around the clubhouse as the “player to be named later.”

 

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Mitt Romney is promising to maintain a U.S. military with “no comparable power anywhere in the world.” Uh, considering we already outspend the rest of the top 15 countries combined, that shouldn’t be hard.

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The Cubs,  losers until Monday of 12 in a row,   are ranked 30th on ESPN’s Major League Baseball power rankings. The only way this is likely to change? If they get usurped by the future winner of the College World Series.

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Facebook is apparently working on developing a phone. Great, all we need, random calls from “people you might know.”

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Bill Clinton made headlines this week for posing for a picture in Monaco with three porn stars. But to be fair, Bill probably didn’t recognize them with their clothes on.

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On the other hand,  the San Antonio Spurs won again today, continuing their remarkable 19 game winning streak. Although the team is impressive, they just don’t seem to capture the public’s imagination. Why, no one can remember the last time a Spur got arrested or fathered a child out of wedlock.

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Detroit Lions DT Nick Fairley has been arrested in Alabama for the second time in 2 months, this time for DUI and attempting to elude police. Is Fairley trying to get traded to the Bengals?  –

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Sen. Chuck Schumer is urging U.S airlines to waive their fees for preferred seats (i.e. most aisles and windows) to allow families with young children to sit together. Bet a number of mothers are thinking “NO!” At least now I have an excuse to abandon the kids in a safe place for a few hours.”

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Three women in this year’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.

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Really? According to the U.K. Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning by L.A. County Sheriff’s investigators after a photographer claimed he was roughed up at a local mall. So just how money-publicity hungry do you have to be to admit to being “roughed up” by Justin Bieber.

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Staggering into the weekend.

May 26, 2012

The  Roger Clemens (second) trial has now dragged on over six weeks. Six weeks?! That’s longer than the 2012 Cubs stayed in playoff contention.

 

Ask and ye shall receive: A passenger on a Brazilian airline reportedly stood up just before the plane was due to take off and shouted, “Someone should have told me the captain was a woman. I’m not flying with a female at the controls.” So the pilot, who was indeed a woman, kicked him off the plane.

 

A new book about President Obama coming out in June is getting buzz for apparently talking about his marijuana use. Uh, doesn’t anyone remind the 2008 campaign? When Barack said “Yes, I inhaled, when I was a kid that was the point.”

 

(How about a book about how Mitt Romney managed to get through the 60s and 70s without smoking or inhaling?)

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Another game,  another inning with a crooked number for Tim Lincecum in the SF Giants 7-6 loss. (for non-baseball fans a “crooked number” is a large number of  runs scored, 3,4,5,6 –  1 and 2 are not simple and not “crooked” numbers.)

Beginning to think that maybe Lincecum used to smoke his PED.

 

 

Dwight Howard said he had nothing to do with the firing of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.

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Shaquille O’Neal said he is staying put as an NBA television analyst. Although he says he was “clearly intrigued” by the Orlando Magic GM jobs. Yes, well most Americans do find train wrecks intriguing.

 

 

ESPN has contracted to keep showing the July 4 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. The contest pulled a 1.3% rating last year. Coincidentally, that might be about the same average rating for the Stanley Cup between the Kings and the Devils.

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Mitt Romney said in an interview that the fallout from the comment “I like being able to fire people” made him “try and be a little more careful in what I say.” So he still likes firing people, but now he knows not to say it.

 

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From Gary M, about my line on the Boxford, Massachusetts herd of cows that got loose and wandered into a backyard and started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers:   “Ya sure they weren’t in the Red Sox bullpen?

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Bad actors?

May 14, 2012

NBA commissioner David Stern, on allegations of “flopping” by the Miami Heat.   “I think it’s time to look at (it) in a more serious way.  We should give out Oscars rather than MVP trophies.” Unless of course our MVP’s are doing the acting.

 

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On a more serious note, for those worried about signs of the apocalypse,  the headline  “Clippers win playoff series”  has to be right up there.

 

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Metta says he won’t shake hands with James Harden. So once again we have the disappointment of no handshake for World Peace.

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Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford says said his blown save this week put his wife into labor. If true, there should be a lot of new baby Mets fans born today on Mother’s Day.

(for those who missed the train wreck, New York took a 4-2 lead into the bottom of the ninth in Miami, and lost 8-4.)

 

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A dancing dog won “Britain’s Got Talent.” I guess a “Dancing With the Stars” Nancy Grace joke would be inappropriate….

 

(or as Augie says, “if were a dancing bitch, a Bristol Palin joke would have been inappropriate.”)

 

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Man City won the EPL title in a major upset on a goal difference today. And most Americans responded “I have no idea what that sentence means.”

 

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The CEO of JPMorgan Chase said his bank made a “terrible, egregious mistake” in losing $2 billion trading credit derivatives in the last six weeks. But says the bank is still very strong. Well, yeah $2 billion is only a fraction of the $25 billion they received in TARP money.

 

And on the subject of mistakes, egregious and otherwise,  of course many Americans know how wonderfully understanding Chase is when a mistake makes a customer late with a credit card bill.

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Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson apparently has resigned.  What next? Well, it ought to be interesting when he sits down with a recruiter and his resume.

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The Los Angeles Kings took a 1-0 lead tonight in the NHL Western Conference Final. “That’s awesome” was the second most common response in Los Angeles. “We  have a hockey team?” was the first.

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Happy Mother’s Day.

May 13, 2012

This must be the most stressful day of the year for NBA players –  so many baby mamas –  so little time.

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Bill O’Reilly dismissed the Mitt Romney prep school bullying story as “dumb,” and added that “Everyone does stupid things in high school, and added that he himself shot someone in the back with a BB gun. Is O’Reilly defending Romney or campaigning to be Vice President?

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The second round of the NBA playoffs has started before the first round has ended. More of the league’s efforts to make the postseason as confusing and nonsensical as the regular season.

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Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner will be in a cast for four weeks after a skateboarding accident. I guess this is another step towards equality – young women athletes being as stupid as young men.

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Eduardo Saverin – no problem building a company that started linking students at U.S. universities, with U.S investment, and U.S. educated employees But when it’s time to pay 15% U.S. capital gains tax – hey, I’m outta here. See you, suckers.

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With the way the GOP is trying to make an issue of President Obama’s support of gay marriage I hope none of them plan to go out to restaurants or have their hair done at their National Convention in Tampa.

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Three of the “Top Ten” plays tonight on ESPN are from….lacrosse? Let me guess which network is covering (and selling ad space) for the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship.

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From my friend Gary Bachmann:  “Betty White says she usually keeps her political views to herself, but this year she is announcing her preference for Barack Obama. This is her first public show of support for a candidate since she came out in favor of John Quincy Adams.”

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A top GOP pollster is circulating a memo saying that the party needs to evolve on gay issues. Wonder what upsets some conservatives in the party most – The idea of giving more rights to homosexuals, or the idea of evolving?

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where’s the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons?

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Mayday!

May 1, 2012

Amar’e Stoudemire apparently punched a glass fire extinguisher after the New York Knicks’ loss to Miami. He did as well against the glass as his team did against the Heat.

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Stoudemire’s self-inflicted cut hand probably means he’s done for the season. Now, New Yorkers are used to sports embarrassment this time of year. But usually the Mets are involved.

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Are they going to have to change all the signs on fire extinguishers at arenas across America? In case of loss, don’t break glass?

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What’s the difference between Albert Pujols and Amar’e Stoudemire this spring? Stoudemire has at least proved he can hit with power.

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The SF Giants are off to another start of great pitching and so-so hitting. But haven’t heard too much from those fans who wanted them to make a run at Albert Pujols.

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Today is the last day of April. Which means NBA fans can only look forward to two more months of playoffs.

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NBA fans still shaking their heads at the Grizzlies blowing a 27 point lead against the Clippers. What’s more amazing, a team played that badly down the stretch, and Lebron James wasn’t involved.

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Regarding all these May-Day protests, one of which will shut down some morning commuter ferries in the San Francisco area: Now, I’m generally supportive of workers over big corporations, but is it really the way to build support for your cause by making it more difficult for other working men and women to get to their jobs?
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The Charlotte Bobcats, whose 7-59 record was the first in NBA history, will not renew coach Paul Silas’ contract. But if the Bobcats really wanted to punish Silas, they would have had him coach a few more years.

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NBA commissioner David Stern was asked if he thinks all the major injuries this year, including Derrick Rose’s ACL tear, had anything to do with the lockout caused condensed schedule. “”I don’t think it’s related at all. Zero.” What’s next, Stern proclaiming players really don’t smoke pot or father out-oft-wedlock children either?

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Munich police arrested a man after he tried to pay for a taxi ride with marijuana because he was not carrying any cash. Silly guy, that only works in California.

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Kim Kardashian now apparently wants to become a comedy star. It’ s not enough for her that’s she’s already a punchline?
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A report says that the Tigers’ Delmon Young will be suspended by MLB for his alleged involvement in a New York fight and anti-Semitic remarks. Wonder if Young will use his free time to take in a few Mel Gibson movies?

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The GOP is accusing President Obama of exploiting the 1-year anniversary of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden for political purposes. Right, and if Seal Team Six had failed, I am sure Republicans would have never have mentioned it.

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Star power.

February 26, 2012

Orlando police are apparently on the lookout to stop prostitutes trying to sell their services during NBA All-Star weekend. But some fans are crying foul. Unlike the Bobcats, Hornets and Wizards this year, the prostitutes are providing consistent value per entertainment dollar.

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Academy Awards are right after the NBA All-Star game. And for fans of acting in the meantime, there’s Dwight Howard talking about how much Orlando means to him.

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Mitt Romney is being lampooned for having less than 1000 people attend an event at Ford Field, which seats 65,000. Good thing I suppose that he didn’t schedule his speech at Michigan’s “Big House” in Ann Arbor. (Seating capacity 111,000.)

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A security checkpoint and concourse at Sacramento Airport were shut down today after a metal detector was briefly left unattended, The airport did find and rescreen five people who had gone through during that time. And I trust TSA still made their quota on confiscating water, shampoo, cupcakes and snow globes.

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Ashleymadison.com, a dating site for cheaters, says the city with their most members per capita (38,000) is Washington, D.C. “I’m shocked”, said absolutely no one. (And members of Congress don’t even claim the nation’s capital as their residence.)

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ESPN.com headline from Daytona: “Danica Patrick is back in the race after hitting the wall” Sounds like Mitt Romney’s campaign. Repeatedly.

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Amazing stuff in Arizona. Paul Babeu, the anti-immigration Republican sheriff, is finding many of his conservative constituents are accepting his being gay. Even though they strongly disapprove of his “lifestyle” in one man’s words. Guess it’s just a matter of which prejudice is stronger.

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New manager Bobby Valentine said the Boston Red Sox have banned beer in the clubhouse. Wonder if any pitchers are thinking “Hmm, how does fried chicken go with whiskey?”

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The P.C. police are taking over. Ben and Jerry’s is taking fortune cookies out of their “Lin-Sanity” ice cream because some people thought it was offensive.. Really? Where were all these folks with say, “Godfather’s Pizza?

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Rick Santorum is going after Romney these days by saying “Folks, this is an issue of trust.” And yeah, for Santorum it’s all about trust. Unless that trust involves women making decisions.

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Newt Gingrich promised at today’s California GOP convention that he would lower U.S. gas prices to $2.50 a gallon. And why should anyone doubt the promise of a man who has said “until death do us part” three times?
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John Hinckley, who tried to kill President Ronald Reagan in 1981, said he would like to be known as “something other than a would-be assassin.” In related news the Kardashian sisters said they would like to be known for their intellectual sides.

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From my funny friend Bill Littlejohn: After Raiders QB Jason Campbell called off his wedding at the last minute: “Jenny is reportedly trying to work out a trade for Carson Palmer.”

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Red Sox owner John Henry talking about Boston being more careful about spending money. “It’s an advantage to have a big payroll with a small-market mentality.” Small market compared to who? Besides the Yankees?

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Mitt Romney likes to talk about principles. But Mitt has the same relationship to his own principles as Newt Gingrich does to his marriages. (Maybe only one at a time but they don’t last.)

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Is this a great country or what?

February 11, 2012

What a great country. Our president is black and the most talked about player in the NBA is Asian.

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The Jeremy Lin fan club now extends to everyone outside of the greater Los Angeles area (plus a lot of Clippers fans.)

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Well, Kobe Bryant knows who Jeremy Lin is now.

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Tim Tebow led the Broncos to some miraculous wins. Jeremy Lin, a devout Christian, is having an incredible week for the Knicks. In MLB, teams are thinking about sending their scouts into churches.

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Note to these “Onemillionmoms” folks who are upset by Ellen Degeneres being chosen as a J.C Penney’s spokeswoman. because most of the store’s customers are traditional families. Right, so they would prefer Penney’s hire some heterosexual like Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears or Kim Kardashian?

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Mitt Romney said at CPAC that he was a “severely conservative governor.” And this is a man who once derided John Kerry as a “severely conflicted person.

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Wonder if I will ever get used to seeing ESPN.com feed saying things like “Meta World Peace” personal foul.

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At California State Democratic convention in San Diego this weekend. Knowing that all speeches should be taken with a large grain of salt. Like this one from the 2002 Massachusetts REPUBLICAN convention: “I respect and will fully protect a woman’s right to choose. That right is a deeply personal one.” The speaker? Mitt Romney.

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While we’re arguing over birth control how come there is a deafening silence from conservatives on the subject of insurers providing unmarried men with Viagra?

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To use free T Mobile in United Airlines Club you must check that you have “read and accepted terms and conditions.”. Just scrolled through them. Over 30 pages.Admittedly didn’t “read.” Must be some kind of full employment act for lawyers.

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Jerry Sandusky complained after a pre-trial hearing that due to his house arrest restrictions he can’t see friends or his grandchildren, or play outside with his dog. “That’s really a shame” said absolutely no one.

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Former USC QB Mitch Mustain, 23, was going to join the Arena Football League, and he hasn’t pitched since high school. But he tried out with the Chicago White Sox and hit 90 mph on the radar gun. Some frustrated Jets fans hope this inspires Sanchez to try out with the Mets.

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Rick Santorum says women in combat would be a bad idea because of the “emotions” that men would feel seeing them in harm’s way, so they wouldn’t be concerned about accomplishing the mission.” Clearly Santorum has never seen women standing in the way of men getting something important, like the TV remote.

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From my friend Bill Littlejohn: Wes Welker has been asked to throw the switch that drops the ball at Times Square next New Year’s Eve.

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Where’s FEMA when you need them?

January 28, 2012

This just in: Penn State campus police say they are investigating a report that Joe Paterno may be sick.

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Mitt Romney was campaigning in Orlando today. It went well except for one awkward moment when a Disney employee saw him and reported that one of their audio-animatronic figures must have gotten loose.

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Apple’s CEO Tim Cook says he is “outraged” at reports of worker mistreatment. Is he outraged that workers are being treated badly or outraged that the media is reporting it?

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Frank McCourt is starting to weed down groups bidding for the Dodgers. Great….and this selection process is being done by the man who made Los Angeles the franchise it is today.

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My friend Jeff Klein (from Los Angeles) points out “He is the only person I know who can derail one of the biggest sports franchises, declare bankruptcy, have a messy divorce, be despised by everyone, endure a take over by MLB, and end up leaving one billion dollars richer. Romney-McCourt 2012.”

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Mitt Romney is really getting angry at Newt Gingrich in Florida. Wonder how long it will take before Mitt threatens to strap him to the roof of the campaign bus.

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On other hand, Romney apparently leads Newt Gingrich by 10 points with women in a recent Florida poll. Makes sense – the state is full of a lot of first and second wives.

Drew Brees, who will be a free agent, isn’t talking about “feeding his family,” or “being respected,” or testing the market. He does say he doesn’t want his deal to keep the Saints from retaining other key free agents. “My No. 1 priority, and it always has been this, is keeping our team together.” What a concept.

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Colts owner Jim Irsay isn’t happy about Peyton Manning’s comments about the team, including saying that Indianapolis may not bring him back. Irsay said Manning should have “kept it in the family.” Well, at least for a few weeks, until the Colts owner was planning on booting him out of the family.

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Stories continue to emerge about the dysfunctional Jets locker room, and indeed NY coach Rex Ryan said he didn’t have “the pulse” of the team. Many Jets fans were surprised to hear that – the team was playing like they didn’t HAVE a pulse.

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The Orlando Magic blew a 27 point lead at home Thursday night, and lost to the Boston Celtics 91-83. The Magic scored EIGHT points in the 4th quarter. What, is Dwight Howard now angling for a trade to Miami?

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One one thousand, two one thousand….

December 23, 2011

You cannot make this “stuff” up – Christmas Eve Eve edition: Rick Perry apparently won’t appear on Virginia’s primary GOP ballot after he submitted petition without enough signatures. Maybe the Texas governor should have paid a little more attention in math class?

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Monta Ellis is denying comment on sexual harassment charges, and the Warriors are claiming that he and the woman he texted pictures of his junk to were in a “consentual relationship.” But the lesson here guys – love and lust may fade but cellphone records are forever.

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Matt Barkley has endeared himself forever to Trojan fans by returning for his senior year. Especially since after the Reggie Bush fiasco, staying at USC vs. the NFL actually means a pay cut.

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The release of Nike’s new retro Air Jordan basketball shoes caused near riots at many stores today. Many men responded to this with “Wow, Nike is bringing them back?” And women responded, “Riots? WTF, the things don’t even have heels.”

Said my comedy writer friend Alex Kaseberg: “First time in history the words shoe sale men and riot have ever been combined.”

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Michele Bachmann was confronted by the gay robot “RoboProfessor” (yes, really, the robot exists) in Iowa Thursday. Bachmann took it in pretty good humor. But then, she’s already learned how to deal with straight robots. How many debates has she done including Mitt Romney?

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Mitt Romney promised a college student on Thursday that a vote for him meant a job after graduation. But Mitt didn’t say whether it might be at Subway or McDonald’s.

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Donald Trump just switched his party affiliation from Republican to unaffiliated. This could end up meaning a possible 3rd party run. But for starters it means that none of the GOP candidates have done a good enough job of kissing his… “ring.”

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For NBA fans, the meaningless preseason games are over. And on Christmas morning the meaningless regular season games start.

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Hell has frozen over moment? USA Today projects the winner of the NBA’s Western Conference Pacific Division as the Clippers.

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Geaux Clippers?

December 15, 2011

Now that New Orleans star Chris Paul is heading to Los Angeles, will the team’s motto be “Geaux Clippers”?

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So Chris Paul is now a Clipper. Well, he’ll probably get about as many passes from Kobe Bryant as he would if he had joined the Lakers.

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As a Wilt, Kareem, and Magic fan, but NOT a Kobe fan, will be nice to have a Los Angeles team I can root for again. Griffin and Paul MIGHT even be worth watching an NBA regular season game for….

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CNN’s Jack Cafferty is musing “Is Mitt Romney the Hillary Clinton of 2012?” Heck, Mitt Romney isn’t even the Mitt Romney of 2008.

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As reported by the U.K. Daily Mail, South Carolina man has been charged with stabbing his wife to death while they shopped in a local Walmart last weekend. But it being two weeks before Christmas, Walmart management just roped off the area with crime scene tape for police and continued open for business as usual.

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Mitt Romney said when running for Senate in Massachusetts that he would be a “better for gay rights than Ted Kennedy.” Newt Gingrich once made an ad for Al Gore’s climate advocacy group with Nancy Pelosi. As flexible as these two are on positions, if either of them get the GOP nomination will they run to the right or left of President Obama?

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Time’s “Person of the Year” is “The Protester.” Thereby seriously disappointing Mitt Romney who thought it should have been “The Corporation.”

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The Detroit Lions are playing the Oakland Raiders this weekend. Which means two “over-unders” in Vegas. One on the score, and one on the fines Monday.

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Rick Santorum told CNN that he’s the “sober” candidate. Really? The thought of him as President would drive millions of Americans to drink.

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The FAA has approved iPads for use in cockpits. This means the pilots can use digital documents that replace 35 pounds of paper and books. Not to mention play “Words with Friends” and download cocktail recipes.

(My friend John wonders, will they need to turn them off for takeoffs and landings?)

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Open Table, the reservation reservation system, has come up with their list of 100 Top Restaurants in the U.S. Including the Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse in Jacksonville, Florida. With all due respect, most people think the Ruth’s Chris isn’t even the top restaurant in Jacksonville.

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“Today” anchor Ann Curry questioned Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer Joe Amendola’s competence in asking why he waived a preliminary hearing. Amendola replied that a hearing would have only provided the media with “a feeding frenzy” and “we had very little to gain.” With that reasoning, why the heck did he allow Sandusky to do the Bob Costas interview?

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Sad that Lowe’s has pulled ads for “All American Muslim,” which seems the most innocuous, even boring reality show. I’d cheerfully boycott them, except I’ve never set foot inside on of their stores.

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Some in the GOP would try to refer to President Barack Obama as an “All American Muslim,” except that then they would have to admit that he is American.

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Stumbling towards the weekend.

December 10, 2011

Penn State’s “Office of Licensing Programs” issued a letter to vendors saying effective immediately “Penn State will no longer approve any designs featuring Mr. Paterno’s name, likeness, and/or image.” Shame when the abuse allegations first came to light that the university wasn’t so quick to sever all ties to Jerry Sandusky.

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Rick Perry’s latest math gem – referring to the “eight unelected and frankly unaccountable judges” on the Supreme Court. Well, to be fair, nine is a much bigger number than three.

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Perry also referred to Supreme Court justice Sonya Sotomayor as “Montemayor.” Who knew, in a few short years another Texas governor would make George W. look articulate.

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A lot of controversy now over whether Browns QB Colt McCoy should have been allowed back in the game after a helmet on helmet hit from the Steelers James Harrison. Some say now that McCoy wasn’t coherent. But that never stopped Terry Bradshaw.

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Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, in criticizing the proposed Chris Paul to the Lakers trade said “When will we just change the name of 25 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals?”

Actually, Gilbert was wrong. 16 NBA teams make the playoffs every year. We should only consider changing the name of 14 of the 30 teams to the Washington Generals.

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UCLA forward Reeves Nelson has now been dismissed from the team. This for bad behavior during his second suspension from the team this year. (And missing a team flight to Maui.) So Nelson’s punishment? Not playing for a team that is second from last in the Pac-12, and hanging out playing pickup games until the NBA draft. Rough.

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Men’s Health magazine declared the “Hottest Woman of all Time” to be…. Jennifer Aniston. Okay, now maybe as a straight woman I’m not a good judge, but most of my male friends didn’t even think Jennifer Aniston was the hottest woman on “Friends.”

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In threatening to cancel his debate, Donald Trump said he was particularly upset with Michele Bachmann for dropping out, because she’d come to see him four times and he had helped promote her as a candidate. Said the Donald, it’s actually called “loyalty.” Interesting choice of words from a man who’s been married 3 times.

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Jon Stewart said “Thank you, Jesus” when he heard about Donald Trump moderating a debate. Now Trump may cancel the debate because only Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are participating. Guess Jesus figured we needed to be satisfied with Tim Tebow.

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A woman was arrested in a Tulsa Walmart, allegedly for trying to mix meth using chemicals she found in the store. Was she busted for doing something illegal, or for potentially undercutting Walmart’s meth prices?

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Ohio State still awaits word on possible football sanctions for “failure to monitor” their program. But OSU did get a NCAA special waiver to let incoming coach 2012 Urban Meyer begin recruiting. (Otherwise he would put them over the limit of allowed coaches.) This gives the Buckeyes a nice head start over teams with coaches in bowl games. Can’t imagine how the NCAA gets the image of favoring big conferences.

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So maybe we should talk about NBA players wearing helmets? Golden State Warriors guard Charlie Bell was jailed for several hours yesterday when he showed up for a court hearing legally drunk. The hearing was for his DUI case. (Really. You cannot make this “stuff” up.)

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Kim Kardashian’s had a special “limited edition” (only 1000 bottles produced) LOVE perfume created for her wedding. Now the fragrance is part of a holiday gift set at Macy’s. Guess the “limited” part was as real as the marriage.

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Occupy Wall Street members in New York staged a protest that shut down production of “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.” Wonder how long it will take for the show to write an episode about it.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Tom Cruise wants to make a sequel to ‘Top Gun’ 25-years later; in this one Cruise shakes his fist at the bogeys and yells; “Slow down, punks, this is a neighborhood.”

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Follow up thoughts.

Does Cruise scream “I feel the need, for a pee?

or “You punks get off my tarmac?”

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