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Oh baby.

January 16, 2013

Kim Kardashian says while she’s very happy with her baby daddy Kanye West, she’s not “in a rush” to get married again. Of course not, why try to sell another televised wedding when you can sell baby pictures.

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Kim and Kanye’s baby will likely be born the same month as Prince William and Kate’s baby.  Assume that Buckingham Palace has already responded to a Kardashian request for play dates with “Not bloody likely.”

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Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy has accepted the San Diego Chargers’ head coaching job. Well, this is one way for McCoy to reduce the chances of being criticized for his calls late in future playoff games.

 

Is it too soon for Boeing to rename it the “Nightmare Liner?”

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An Oxnard California teacher lost her appeal after she was fired last spring when students discovered she had appeared in porn films. Wonder how many fathers are signing petitions for THEIR childrens’ schools to give her a second chance.

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Eighteen severed human heads were discovered by customs agents at Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Authorities are trying to discover if the heads are medical specimens. If not, will they be searching topless bars?

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A Florida lawyer is suing the Spurs for sending their stars home from a road trip early, saying that fans attending San Antonio’s game against the Miami Heat “suffered economic damages” because they paid a premium price for a ticket to see a good team. Yikes. If he is successful, bring on the class action suit from Lakers fans.

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Not saying relations are combative between the White House and the GOP.. But at this point expect that if President Obama throws out the first pitch on Opening Day, some Republicans will call it a balk.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency says that Lance Armstrong’s confession to Oprah will not be enough to seek a reduction in his lifetime ban from sports. Have to assume that means Oprah now won’t be getting that additional interview with Pete Rose.

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Wal-Mart says it will commit to hiring every veteran who honorably left the military in the last year, over 100,000 people. Which is a good thing, although have to wonder how much it mattered to Wal-Mart that these new hires will come with their own healthcare benefits.

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The U.S. House just approved an aid package for states affected by Superstorm Sandy by a 241-180 vote. Assuming those 180 votes come from members of Congress who never intend to ask for disaster relief for their own states?

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12-12-12

December 12, 2012

The date?    Or the total of the Los Angeles Lakers’  scoring not counting Kobe Bryant?

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Open note to Los Angeles comics who don’t pay regular attention to the NBA: Take out all your old Lakers and Clippers jokes. Reverse the punchlines. You’ll be fine.

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So the Wizards won again, and the Lakers lost to the Cavaliers. What did that Mayan calendar say again?

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Three   “words”.   Mike Brown LOL.

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A former cast member from A&E’s “Storage Wars” is claiming some of the valuable items found in abandoned storage lockers were planted by the show’s producers. Gosh. Next thing, someone will be casting doubt on the reality of those Housewives.

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In the midst of a labor dispute, Cathay Pacific flight crews are threatening that that if the carrier doesn’t negotiate, they may stop serving alcohol and smiling at passengers during the Christmas holidays. In other words, start acting like they work for a U.S. carrier.

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Former NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue overturned the “bounty gate” suspensions of 4 current and former Saints players. Interesting timing – a couple days after New Orleans was basically eliminated from the playoffs.

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Donna Summer, Heart and Randy Newman in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?! Okay, good for them. But if it’s the Disco/Pop Music/Soundtrack Hall of Fame, then it’s time to induct the Carpenters.  (seriously.)

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Regarding Congress and the fiscal cliff, apparently a majority of Americans prefer higher taxes. But if they really got an honest answer it might be that 20% want the Dems to win, 10% want the GOP to win, and 70% want all of Congress to go over that cliff together.

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Rick Perry this week: “To be clear, my goal is to make abortion, at any stage, a thing of the past.” And this guy was just one, two…, uh, I can’t remember how many reasons away from being the 2012 GOP Presidential nominee.

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Gary M,  with some perspective on  Pete Carroll’s great year so far with the Seattle Seahawks,   “At USC he didn’t have to deal with a salary cap.”

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Commie pinko thought of the night:  Yeah I know. “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.” But people with assault weapons kill a lot more people.

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No place like home?

December 10, 2012

Lindsay Lohan is apparently having problems making her $8000 a month Beverly Hills rent payments. On a brighter note, the way she is going with arrests, Lindsay is likely soon to be in free government paid housing.

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RG3 said today he “screamed” when he hurt his knee. And then added “Like a man, of course.” What? Of course maybe he meant that a woman would be too tough to scream.
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Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are spending rather lavishly but the latest “Show a little restraint” comment comes from the Yankees.

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A thought about the musical chairs game that NCAA football coaching has become. There are at least 4-5 schools going to bowls without the coaches that took them there. What about a rule saying that no coaches can change jobs until AFTER the BCS championship game?

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So Cincinnati, which lost Brian Kelly to Notre Dame and Butch Jones to Tennessee, has snatched Tommy Tuberville from Texas Tech as their new football coach. So is this part of Tuberville’s plan to get back to coaching in the SEC in a few years.?

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The Rolling Stones had their first U.S. stop Saturday night on their 50th anniversary tour. At one point Mick Jagger said to the crowd “”People say, why do you keep doing this?” Wonder if the real answer is “Not sure… we can’t remember.”

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The Dodgers are about to sign Zack Greinke for six years and $147 million? Somewhere Clayton Kershaw is just giggling.

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Meanwhile in Los Angeles, former Lakers’ coach Mike Brown is laughing out loud.

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The election is over but many conservatives still love to chant the mantra “Solyndra.” Wonder why we never heard them do the same with “Halliburton?”   Or for those with longer memories – “Enron.”

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Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says his cancer has returned. Wonder how long until he blames this on the United States?

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From T.C.   “Brandon Marshall says that NFL players are using Viagra as a PED. Imagine when a coach calls time out and demands a measurement. What do you mean I’m an inch short! ”

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Trivia question for the day:

Which are  the three teams that will be in their third straight BCS bowl this January?

Answer ( none of them from the SEC) :   Oregon, Wisconsin and Stanford.

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Low-flying Jets.

December 8, 2012

Except for the Army-Navy game, there were no college matchups games this weekend. So fans of high-level amateur football will just have to wait for the Jets-Jaguars game on Sunday.

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NY coach Rex Ryan says Tim Tebow, who has been sidelined with broken ribs, may play this week as in practice he “did a lot more on the field than he had in previous weeks.” Well, looking at the Jets recently “doing a lot more on the field” on Sunday is setting the bar pretty low.

 

Yeah, the NBA season is pretty meaningless in many ways, but over one week into December how many people had the Golden State Warriors significantly ahead of the Los Angeles Lakers?

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Not a joke, Pizza Hut has actually responded to requests with a limited edition “Eau de Pizza Hut” perfume, which smells of baked pizza dough and herbs.  But it’s already sold out.  Bad news for women who REALLY want a scent a man can’t resist.

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Many Americans probably weren’t even aware that Friday was Pearl Harbor Day, I suppose we should be glad at least that no one was using it as an excuse for a sale.

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So the U.S. Supreme Court is going to hear a case on gay marriage. After the Court’s Citizens United ruling maybe it’s time for a new tactic – i.e. if people and corporations are legally equivalent, well, then, corporate mergers have always been gender-neutral….

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According to his lawyer, Jerry Sandusky is unhappy with his solitary confinement and wants a change, believing he would be safe in the prison’s general population. Okay by me!

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Florida socialite Jill Kelley, whose complaints about threatening emails from Paula Broadwell helped break the General Petraeus scandal, reportedly is shopping a tell-all book as “payback” for the “humiliation” she has suffered. “I’d be really excited to read that” said absolutely no one.

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A worker at a New Mexico Albertson’s found a handgun and ammunition packed in a carton of frozen ribs. According to police, the meat came from the Swift Packing Plant in Greeley, Colo, marked June 8, 2011. What’s scarier – , a gun with the ribs, or the fact the meat was packed a year and a half ago?

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South Carolina governor Nikki Haley is apparently not amused by a Twitter campaign pushing her to appoint Stephen Colbert as Senator to replace Jim DeMint. But seriously, looking at some of these unfunny clowns…could Colbert do any worse?

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Serious thought   -when is the NFL going to make “cars and drivers,” or at least taxis, mandatory for players? Heck, the cost for a season would be less than one fine for a late hit, or wearing a baseball cap.

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My house is not quite your house.

November 29, 2012

President Obama and Mitt Romney will meet at the White House today for a post-election/pre-Christmas lunch. Wonder if they will exchange gifts?

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The NYPD announced that on Monday that for the “first time in memory” there was not a single murder in New York City. Wow. guess Cyber Monday keeps even the bad guys from working.

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Mike D’Antoni, expressing regret for leaving Phoenix, said “I should never have gone to New York.” Wonder how long it might be before he says “I should never have gone to Los Angeles?”

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Parents have apparently named their newborn girl “Hashtag.” Wonder if along with the college fund they’re putting money away for future counseling?

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Have to wonder, with San Jose State’s football team 10-2, how long until they join the Big East? Heck, they aren’t that much west of San Diego State

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Uh oh…. the Washington Wizards actually won a game. And we are only 23 days away from the end of the Mayan calendar. Should we be worried?

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Ndamukong Suh was fined $30k for kicking Matt Schaub in the groin, but claims it was “inadvertent.” Right, like he’s going to say “Of course I meant to kick a QB in the nuts?”

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We wonder sometimes how this nation got so much into debt: For starters, take a look at all the people whose idea of a retirement plan is winning the Powerball lottery.

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Starbucks is now selling a premium coffee for $6 for the smallest cup. Does it come with a designer label so you can advertise how much you spent on it?

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Marissa Mayer of Yahoo says of working motherhood: “The baby’s been easy. The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be.” Gosh, even dealing with all those the nanny shift changes?

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-A thought about the 2012 GOP primary: “Half of them were probably on Fox contracts at one point in their career. You do that. You write some books. You go out and you sell some more. You get a radio gig or a TV gig out of it or something. And it’s like, you say to yourself, the barriers of entry to this game are pretty damn low.” From that liberal pundit Jon Huntsman.

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Anyone else addicted to “Nashville?” Yeah, it’s a soap, really. But great acting, good-looking people and better music than many singing reality shows.

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Depends?

November 13, 2012

So is the next revelation in the General Petraeus affair going to include a road trip by his ex-mistress to Florida wearing Depends?

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Understatement of the year award? Steve Boylan, a Petraeus family friend and former spokesman said on “Good Morning America” that the general’s wife Holly “is not exactly pleased right now.”

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At this point what we seem to know is that General Petraeus had an affair with a woman who turned crazy on him. Hmm, maybe the Secret Service had the right idea with prostitutes. (If only they had paid them.)

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Somewhere Dwight D. Eisenhower and JFK must be laughing together: “Thank God we didn’t live in the internet age.”

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A University of Colorado student has been arrested and charged with “menacing” after he put on a Joker mask at a Boulder movie theater. (And he told police he was aware of the “Dark Knight Rises” shooting.) Not sure if they can make the menacing charge stick but at the least this kid is guilty of terminal stupidity.

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Roddy White of the Atlanta Falcons said of his team’s loss to the New Orleans Saints “It’s not like they came out here and won a game. I think we kind of gave it to them.” Proving again, you can still trash talk with a mouthful of sour grapes.

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The word from folks associated with the Los Angeles Lakers  is that Phil Jackson thought the job was his: “I know just how you feel” said Mitt Romney..

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Not saying the Lakers are old, but will new coach Mike D’Antoni’s challenge now to be to come up with “Hasbeen-sanity?

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Apparently more than 25,000 people have signed a petition for Texas to secede from the United States. About 25 million other Americans would probably sign a petition saying “Let them.”

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Washington State football coach Mike Leach is now being accused of abusing his players. So will the team colors of Crimson and Gray now become “Fifty Shades of Crimson and Gray”?

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Embedded?

November 10, 2012

CIA director David Petraeus has resigned after admitting he had an affair. How long until he’s asked to join the “Clinton Global Initiative.”

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Apparently General Petraeus, 60, had his affair with his biographer and videographer, Paula Broadwell, 39. So guess Petraeus didn’t think he was Bill Clinton, he thought he was John Edwards.

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Once again, the conspiracy theorists are out, this time about General Petraeus’s affair and the timing of his resignation. Really?!! It’s amazing how the only time some folks give Obama credit for competence is in engineering coverups.

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Wow! Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, only five games into a disappointing season. And somewhere from the great beyond Al Davis and George Steinbrenner are thinking “You can do that?”

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Here’s a scary post-election thought. For a brief, not-so-shining moment last year, some thought Donald Trump could be elected president of the United States.

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Condoleezza Rice said today she wouldn’t be the next secretary of state, even if President Barack Obama asked her. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

(Although as a Democrat I’d be happy with Richard Lugar. And Condi would be better than Bud Selig for baseball.)

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Can we get over this concept of Kentucky defending their NCAA national championship in men’s basketball. Because a true defense might involve, for starters, having one player from that championship team still in uniform. (And no, I don’t mean an NBA uniform.)

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Phil Jackson has apparently said he might consider ending his retirement and return to coaching the Lakers.   “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

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Nick Swisher, who has hit .169 in 154 postseason at-bats. apparently will leave New York because he doesn’t like their $13 million offer for 2013. Maybe the Yankees decided that with A-Rod it was enough to have one high-priced player who takes Octobers off.

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Ah, the purity of amateur sports: UCLA star recruit Shabazz Muhammed was declared ineligible for recruiting violations. Which the LA Times alleges resulted from visits to Duke & North Carolina –  Schools he turned down in favor of UCLA .  Gosh, if so, wonder who turned him in.

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Mitt Romney’s sister complained to an interviewer that her brother had been “vilified” during the campaign. Uh, did she think it was going to get better if he became president?

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Anders Behring, Breivik the Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 people, mostly teenagers, is complaining that he is being held in inhumane solitary conditions. Well, heck, let’s get him into the general population right away then.

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Ye Gods, they’re like political Tribbles. Only not as cute and cuddly. George P. Bush, grandson of George H.W, nephew of George W. Bush, son of Jeb, just filed paperwork to run for office in the state of Texas.

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From T.C.  ” With Washington voting to legalize marijuana,  can we expect Cheech and Chong to be signed for every Seattle Mariners home game singing “‘Toke Me Out to the Ball Game?'”  And of course the National Anthem to be sung by the Doobie Brothers?’

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The morning after.

July 5, 2012

Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.

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-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.

When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”

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The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?

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Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.

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SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week.   After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.

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Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers.  Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.

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Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers.  Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.

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Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.

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-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”

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Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?

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Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.

From T.C.  “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”

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Missed it by that much?

May 23, 2012

The  “Player formerly known as Ron Artest”  about the Lakers’ loss “(We) definitely underachieved,” World Peace said. “We were the best team in the NBA and lost in five (games).” Never thought I’d write this sentence, but for now, I think we’ve all had enough of World Peace.  –

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Constantly seeing this Facebook ad for “Maverick PAC.” It asks me to “Join our network of conservative, young professionals.” So what’s the bigger miss here, that I am conservative, or that I am young?

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Another thought on the latest craziness out of Arizona. The state.  at the instructions of Sheriff Joe Arpaio,  paid to send a deputy to Hawaii to look into Obama’s birth certificate. But they don’t want to waste taxpayer money on birth control?

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The outgoing president of the South Carolina AFL-CIO was seen on video bashing a pinata of Governor Nikki Haley’s face at a retreat last weekend. This prompted two responses from the GOP: 1. Outrage. 2. Quick, hide the Obama pinatas.

 

 

A young child escaped with minor injuries after his parents put him in a laundromat washing machine as a joke, and the machine automatically started running. Shame parenthood doesn’t at least have the same rules the Humane Society requires to adopt a pet.

 

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Wall Street is definitely defriending Facebook.

 

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How far does Facebook stock have to fall before the GOP blames it on Obama.

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The US Airways flight that diverted to Bangor over a security threat was apparently because a woman said she had “a device surgically implanted inside her.” Let’s hope implants don’t start putting people on the no-fly list, or it will ground half the women in Los Angeles.

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A US Airways flight from Paris to Charlotte has been diverted to Bangor due to a so far unspecified “security issue.” Wonder how many passengers are already demanding that the airline credit them with the extra frequent flier miles. –

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Eugene J. Polley,, 96, has died. He was the inventor of the televison remote control. Funeral plans have not been finalized but a number of speakers apparently will be alternating back and forth in short rapid stints at the service.

 

 

Deliberations continue in  the John Edwards trial. Wonder if jurors are still trying to find some reason to make being a scumbag a criminal offense

 

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Not saying tonight’s game five between the Heat and the Pacers was rough,  but the winner may be sanctioned by the WWE.

 

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“American Idol” final competition Tuesday night. Not to be confused with the Lakers and Clippers, who are “L.A. Idle.”

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Cncinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman was arrested for speeding (93 in a 71 MPH zone) and driving with a suspended license. This about a year after Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting. Who do these guys think they are – Bengals?

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The Once and Future Kings.

May 22, 2012

So who expected this in 2012. What’s the difference between the Clippers and the Lakers? About 24 hours.

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As the Thunder rolled, how many disappointed Los Angeles sports fans thought back earlier this spring, well, at least we’ll have the Kings?

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Another question, who had the Kings as the last team playing this spring in the Los Angeles Staples Center?   Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.

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Yahoo has named Ross Levinsohn their fifth CEO in four years. At this point the only job with less security in the SF Bay Area is coach of the Oakland Raiders.

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The Dodgers have put 5 position players on the DL in the last two weeks, and have won 10 of their last 12. If they get a few more injuries Los Angeles could really run away with the division.

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Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an avowed anti-big government conservative, received $75 million in loan guarantees from Rhode Island to move his video game company there in 2010. Now the company is failing and the state is on the hook. Once again, government waste = money that doesn’t directly benefit ME.

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The next time Schllling rants against Democrats, hope someone tells him to put a bloody sock in it.

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In California, Congression candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he’ll smoke a joint — “right on the steps of Capitol Hill.” Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned.

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Last week a Romney interview in the National Review praised Meg Whitman, and said she would be a better governor for Calif. Jerry Brown. The same day a story broke that Meg’s new company, HP, was going to lay off 30,000. (And somewhere Mitt is thinking, and the problem with that is…?)

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Four suspects were arrested after beating up a man Sunday after the Los Angeles-St. Louis baseball game in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. (The victim is in stable condition.) To be fair, the accused are almost certainly not real Dodgers fans, otherwise they would have been gone after the 7th inning.

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The Coast Guard has picked up 160 bales (about 7,000 lbs) of marijuana, floating off the coast of Southern California. In related news, fisherman in the area report great luck by baiting their hooks with Doritos.

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A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million. Apparently it still has a mark on it from when the Babe was hit by a pitch from Jamie Moyer.

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Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn’t sure the former V.P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, “Sure, he’d take a shot at it.”

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According to the DOT the 17 biggest U.S. airlines collected $3.36 billion in checked bag fees in 2011, down slightly from $3.4 billion the year before. Although they carried more 1.3% more psgrs than in 2010. This news surprises absolutely no one who has watched the musical chairs game for the overhead bins during boarding.

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From TC  – (Jay Leno used almost an identical line tonight, wonder if he saw it in comments this morning on last night’s post):   “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville.”

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The best part of waking up?

May 17, 2012

A new study says that people who drink two to three cups of coffee a day may live longer. And those who have their coffee in the morning are also presumably less likely to kill their family and coworkers.

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A 6’6″ and 350 lb Wisconsin man is picketing an “all-you-can-eat” restaurant who he said cut him off after a dozen pieces of fish.   6’6″, 350 lbs?   Well, if nothing else, sounds like walking around with a sign might be good for his health.

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Reporters,(including one from that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal) complained that they were physically restrained today at a public Florida event from asking questions of Mitt Romney. A Romney spokeswoman said “an error had been made.” Right. Next time they won’t give the press advance warning.

 

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From my friend Gary Bachman:  Texting while walking has been banned in a Fort Lee, New Jersey. The law was enacted after Gov. Chris Christie visited the town and was involved in an accident. He was texting while walking and did considerable damage to a Mini Cooper.

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Random thought about this Clemens steroid trial. Who’d a thunk one of the most honest men in baseball might turn out to be Jose Canseco.

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John Edwards’ lawyers rested their defense, without calling their client to the stand. Okay, if you’re a lawyer, and your own lawyers think you’re now too unlikeable to help your own cause, you might really be a scumbag.

 

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NBA says they will not suspend or fine the Heat’s Dwyane Wade for his flaqrant foul on the Pacers’ Darren Collison. Their rational can be found in the rulebook under the “Superstars do not commit flagrant fouls” section.

 

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Meanwhile, Lebron James said that with Chris Bosh out it was a “lot more taxing being in there with bigger guys.” “Wow, that sounds rough, I feel for you,” said no one outside South Florida.”

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Lindsay Lohan made a cameo on “Glee” last night as a guest judge for the nationals singing competition. Good casting choice. How many other 25 year olds would make the cast of Glee -many of them her age – look so young by comparison?

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Skechers will pay a $40 million settlement after the FTC said their advertising misled consumers into thinking their “Shape Up” and “Tone Up” shoes would give them a figure like Kim Kardashian’s without “setting foot in a gym.” Well, anyone who believed the claim probably at least matches Kim in intelligence if not figure.

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A thought about this evidence that George Zimmerman showed signs of injuries from a fight the day after he shot Trayvon Martin: This case is for a jury to decide, but one thing is sure – no one would have been hurt if George had just obeyed the dispatcher who told him not to follow Trayvon in the first place.

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A bite with Mitt?

May 15, 2012

Donors to Obama’s campaign were entered into a drawing to have dinner with the President and George Clooney.    Donors to Romney’s campaign get a drawing to have “a bite with Mitt.”    Just Mitt.    What, Ted Nugent wasn’t available?

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An investigation found that Newark at TSA took corrective actions for only 42% of security breaches at the airport between 1/1/10 and 5/31/11. But hey, they confiscated several thousand bottles of water.

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While gas prices have come down in most of the country, they have spiked in California in the last couple weeks, apparently due to “refinery issues.” What’s a “refinery issue?” I think it’s “We have the refineries, we can charge whatever the h*ll we want.”

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski says London 2012 will be the last Olympics he coaches the U.S. men’s basketball team. Guess if coach K wanted to spend time with overpaid prima donnas, he’d just move to the SEC.

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Ron Paul announced he’ll stop campaigning for President. Which means he’ll be getting about the same amount of media coverage he’s gotten so far in 2012.

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MLB dropped its 100-game suspension of Rockies catcher Eliezer Alfonzo for a positive drug test because the sample wasn’t sent in promptly enough. So once again, “If the urine sits, you must acquit.”

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Former New Jersey high school star Billy Rowell, the Baltimore Oriole’s 1st round draft pick in 2006, has been suspended for 50 games for a 2nd violation of the minor league’s drug testing program. Uh, wouldn’t you think someone caught once would be more careful? Even Snooki is thinking this was stupid.

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Oklahoma City Thunder 119, Los Angeles Lakers 90. If this keeps up when the series heads to Staples Center Jack Nicholson will ditch the sunglasses in favor of a paper bag over his head.

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From T.C.  “So what’s the diff between USDA Select, USDA Choice, USDA Prime and Kobe? ”  They are just different grades of Dead Meat!   –

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So the chief investment officer at JPMorgan Chase is out, to be replaced by Matt Zames. Who according to CNN was “formerly a senior trader at Long-Term Capital Management, the failed hedge fund that placed massive bets on the trajectory of interest rates and required a $3.6 billion bailout from the Fed in 1998.” Well, that should inspire confidence.

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The number #2 name for baby boys in the U.S. in 2011 was “Mason.” Which allegedly is due to Khloe Kardashian’s naming her son Mason. If so this is the kind of thing that makes one fear for our country’s future.

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A California man has been arrested for allegedly driving at speeds of up to 104 mph with his 9 year old son and a teammate because they were late for a kids’ soccer game. And many parents are going “100 mph for soccer? How crazy can you be? Now, for a Little League game, maybe.”

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The Bachelorette” starts tonight with Emily Maynard. Host Chris Harrison says that because Emily is a single mom the show won’t be “the superficial drama you’ve seen in seasons past.” Right, it will be a different kind of superficial drama.

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Virgin Atlantic has announced they will start allowing passengers to make and receive phone calls in flight. Meaning a crying baby may soon not be the worst possible seatmate.

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Carolina Blues.

May 9, 2012

North Carolina voters passed a amendment to the state constitution defining marriage as strictly between a man and a woman. Really? Can a loving gay couple possibly do as much damage to the institution of marriage as say, John Edwards?

Reading about the John Edwards trial. Anyone else think that in a just world he and Rielle Hunter would be sentenced to spending the rest of their lives together?

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Some think this vote is the most embarrassing thing to happen in North Carolina since the Charlotte Bobcats.

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This just in: Cole Hamels says he would have just hit Josh Hamilton.

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From T.C.    Cole Hamels suspended and fined for beaning Bryce Harper on purpose. On the bright side, the city of New Orleans just made him an Honorary Captain of the Saints.

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Hell  potentially  freezes over department: Okay, it is now possible that the Clippers may last longer in the NBA playoffs than the Lakers.

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The Charlotte Bobcats are reportedly interested in Patrick Ewing for their head coaching position. Heck, with their record last year, maybe they should consider him as a player.

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An Indiana man was arrested for driving with four children strapped to the roof of his car. Wonder if he had a Romney bumpersticker?

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As a way to fight obesity, Massachusetts has banned the school bake sale. You know you might be too PC when even Californians say “That’s insane.”

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Mitt “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” Romney, is now taking credit for the auto industry’s recovery. What’s next, John Edwards taking credit for defending traditional marriage?  –

Rick Santorum says he’s against smoking, but he doesn’t want a law against smoking. But he’s against gay marriage, and he wants a law against gay marriage. Hmm, which of these things he doesn’t like actually can HURT people?

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A Florida man was arrested at BWI airport with a loaded Glock in his carry-on. He said he “forgot” the gun was in his bag. What, did he miss it under his quart plastic bag of toiletries?

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Mike McQueary has filed a whistleblower suit against Penn State. He’s the asst. football coach who first reported seeing Jerry Sandusky and the boy in the showers back in 2001. But then did nothing further. Uh, Mike, if you had REALLY blown the whistle, you wouldn’t be in the mess, career and otherwise, that you are in now.

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North Carolina passed that state constitutional amendment saying marriage is between a man and a woman. So if you’re a state resident who wants to marry someone who looks like you, you’d better stick to relatives.

 

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Rush Limbaugh is fighting back against his anti-woman reputation by touting his new “National Organization for Rush Babes.” Now, nothing against conservative women, but “Rush Babes?” What’s the requirement, a bust size larger than your IQ?

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Two Americas. Or at least two lives.

April 23, 2012

Just how low has John Edwards’ reputation fallen? At this point both Democrats and Republicans expect that if he is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, Edwards will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower.

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Infielder Reggie Williams was released by the Twins this April. He’s since tweeted “Why are there so many gay people these days?” and ranted about seeing “the bold act of gayness in public.” Think it’s a safe bet this is one dude who won’t be offered a contract by the San Francisco Giants.

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Commie-pinko quote of the week: “Here you are during a time of the great crisis for this nation…and you say, this is all this great country can offer up? I think boldness is thrown right out the window. I think courage is not on display. I think most Americans are pretty fed up.” The radical speaker? Jon Huntsman. Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School.

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The John Edwards trial starts tomorrow, focused on campaign money he spent on behalf or and/or to cover his adulterous relationship with Rielle Hunter. Who did Edwards think he was? A potential President or an SEC football coach?

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Truly scary thought, had John Kerry won in 2004, could have been our Vice President. With a leg up on the Presidency. So to speak.

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is talked about as a likely V.P. pick for Mitt Romney, except that some perceive him to have flip-flopped on the abortion issue. Well, actually this should make him a perfect fit for Mitt.

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A California man and his family barely escaped without life-threatening injuries when a propane tank in their pickup truck exploded while they were in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru. So for at least one day the most dangerous thing at McDonald’s wasn’t the food.

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Got to love this ESPN headline: “Metta World Peace ejected for violent hit.”

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And hey, if the expected suspension for that hit happens, yep, we’re all going to have to survive without World Peace.

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Last weekend the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, looking towards the playoffs, said “We don’t want to be at our best right now.” Yesterday Wade dislocated a finger and is out indefinitely. Maybe God is a fan of the NBA regular season.

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Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, ““I don’t have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job…the best job (they) can.” Mitt Romney now “There will be an effort, by the quote, vast left-wing conspiracy, to work together to put out their message and attack me.” Good to know Mitt’s as consistent about the media as he is about most things.

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Send in the clowns.

December 16, 2011

Newt Gingrich believes people can choose to be straight, just like they can “choose to be celibate.” And somewhere Newt’s gay sister is thinking “Too bad you can’t choose your relatives.”

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Newt Gingrich is referring now to Palestinians as an “invented people.” (Even though pictures have re-surfaced of Newt in 1993 embracing Yasser Arafat.) Well, at this point many people on both sides of the aisle consider Newt an “invented candidate.”

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Ndamukong Suh walked out of a radio interview with the Detroit Lions’ station this week. Well, silver lining for the hosts, at least he didn’t stomp out.

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Barbara Walters’ “Most Fascinating Person of 2011” turned out to be Steve Jobs, who died earlier this year. Although had Steve stlll been alive, sharing the stage and the list with the Kardashians might have killed him.

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Newt Gingrich keeps talking how if he gets the GOP nomination, he will beat challenge President Obama by challenging him to seven three-hour debates. Really? In seven three-hour debates, Gingrich will undoubtedly change at least a position or two. If not a wife.

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Rick Perry at tonight’s GOP debate compared himself to Tim Tebow. And a voice from the heavens boomed down – “Governor, I know Tim Tebow, Tim Tebow is a friend of Mine, and Governor, you’re no Tim Tebow.”

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Chris Paul at a news conference today – “I’m excited to be here in L.A. with this unbelievable franchise with so much history behind it.” So does Paul think that given the Clippers’ history there is nowhere to go but up? Or does he think he was traded to the Lakers.

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Chicago Bears WR Sam Hurd was arrested Wednesday night and apparently will be charged with serious drug dealing. Guess he found it tough feeding his family on only $685 thousand a year.

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Another you cannot make this “stuff” up quote from Christine O’Donnell as to why she endorsed Mitt Romney: “because he’s been consistent since he changed his mind.” (And John Kerry said, why didn’t I think of that?)

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Rick Perry on fidelity “I didn’t make a vow just to my wife. I also made a vow to God. I’m afraid of my wife. I’m not afraid of my wife as much as I’m afraid of God.” Just the kind of romantic declaration every woman wants to hear.

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If you thought Jerry Sandusky’s 1st lawyer was bad, how the newest member of the defense team Karl Rominger? Who said in his client’s defense “Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 would sound strange to some people, but actually people who work with troubled youth would tell you that there are a lot of (them) who have to be taught basic life skills, like how to put soap on your body.” Blech. Again, makes me want to take a shower, or rather bath.

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Holiday note to parents whose children like to kick the seats on planes. Put you or your spouse (or a sibling) in the seat in front of them. Peace on Earth. Or at least in the Air.

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Moving on.

May 11, 2011

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

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The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

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The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

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Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

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Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

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Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

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The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

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Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

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So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

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Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

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What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

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Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

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In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

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Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

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Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

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It’s Tuesday morning….

May 10, 2011

And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, Osama bin Laden and the Lakers are still dead.

Meanwhile it looks like Phil Jackson has decided it’s time to quit.  About three quarters after his team did.

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from Gary Morton.  “Another Lakers’ excuse  – Jason Kidd is genetically predisposed with a shooter’s touch. Also an excellent shooter, his younger brother, Billy The.”

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Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated. Wonder if Arnold decided that besides that foreign-birth issue, he hadn’t had enough wives to be a serious GOP candidate for President.

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The moving van series:  Oklahoma City Thunder against the Memphis Grizzlies. Just think, had both teams not moved this would have been the I-5 border crossing series between the Seattle Super Sonics and the Vancouver Grizzlies.

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The Thunder-Grizzlies game four went to triple overtime, making it a real exhibition of two teams playing with heart. Said the Lakers  ‘ What’s heart?”

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At least the Canucks won their second round in the playoffs, so Vancouver fans can’t blame it on something in the water, eh.

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Archarcharch, who fractured a bone in his leg in the Kentucky Derby, will retire to stud at the age of three.  Talk about a pension plan.

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South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Which could mean someday that cellphone batteries could be charged simply by yelling at the phone. As if we don’t have enough people doing that in stores, restaurants and other public places already.

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Tiger Woods has now been dropped to the eighth ranked golfer in the world, following Paul Casey. This came as a shock to all serious golf fans – Tiger is still in the top ten?  (My friend Steve Moyer queries – “Tiger still plays golf?”)

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Can anyone imagine a U.S Airline doing this? Emirates Airlines issued this statement “In line with the recent decrease in fuel prices, Emirates has removed the fuel surcharge on all tickets. We promised our customers from the outset that we would eliminate the surcharge as soon as it was commercially viable, and this has now been done. We continue to closely monitor the situation.”

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So after signing a book deal, and apparently having plastic surgery, Bristol Palin will now star in a new reality show when she and her son Trippi move in with fellow DWTS star Kyle Massey and his brother. Yes, just another chapter in Bristol’s ongoing campaign to show young women how pre-marital sex will ruin their lives.

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Congratulations to all those who had “one week” in the pool. Some right-wing bloggers came out Monday with a story it if were up to the President, Osama Bin Laden would still be alive. Because Obama really didn’t authorize the raid on Bin Laden’s headquarters and that it was really a coup by Hillary Clinton, Robert Gates and Leon Panetta…..  Sigh.

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Lakers jokes, and other realities

May 9, 2011

Actually comedy writers are in a quandry. I mean, as far as a Lakers’ joke, how can you top Game 4?

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Some pundits said the Lakers’ performance could be excused by their age. Which would make sense if Jason Kidd weren’t about 110.

Seriously, if the Mavericks keep this up, Kidd may be the first player to get a ring while being a card-carrying AARP member.

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The Lakers just kept looking worse and worse. Last team that looked this bad on a Sunday were Osama’s bodyguards.

Add several million Southern Californians to the list of Americans whose rooting interest in the NBA playoffs is now “Anyone but the Heat.”

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Silver lining for the Sharks. Although everyone expected them to close out the series in game five, thanks to the Lakers, San Jose wasn’t even close to the most embarrassing sports story today in California.

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Who’d a thunk it quote of the week from Kobe Bryant: “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win this series.” Maybe he should have said “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win game four.”

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And who’d a thunk it, part two. The Lakers temporarily pushed Frank McCourt out of the #1 subject spot on Los Angeles sports talk radio.

Silver lining for the Lakers on Mother’s Day – the players will now have plenty of time to spend with all the mothers of their children.

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President Obama was on “60 Minutes.”. Which is about as long as any Republican was willing to avoid criticizing Barack after the U.S. got Bin Laden.

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According to National Security Advser Tom Donilon, President Obama gave the go-ahead for U.S. forces to raid a Pakistan compound based on “what was probably a 50-50 case that Osama bin Laden was there.” Well, those were probably much better odds than anyone gave a young black man with the middle name of Hussein to win the presidency.

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President Obama said tonight on “60 minutes” that the mission to get Bin Laden was a closely held secret, with only a few presidential staffers in the loop. In fact, said Obama, “I didn’t tell my own family.” Well, at least that’s the cover story he’s telling Joe Biden.

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Happy (belated) birthday, Willie.

May 7, 2011

Willie Mays turned 80 years old on Friday.  The “Say Hey” kid is still pretty spry. In fact he clearly remembers every detail of his first hit, against Jamie Moyer.

Okay Giants fans, anyone who watched Friday’s game?  A show of hands from all of you who figured the Giants would come back from 3-0 in the 6th.   Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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And on the occasion of Willie Mays’ 80th birthday, my favorite quote after his miraculous World Series catch was from Giants’ reliever Don Liddle, who threw the ball Vic Wertz hit.  Liddle reportedly came back to the dugout afterwards and said “I got my man.”

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San Francisco Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens has been selected as an astronaut for a space expedition being planned by his native Curacao, as the Caribbean nation tries to start a space tourism program.    When asked why he volunteered Meulens reportedly said that it would be an honor,  he wants to serve his country, and besides Brian Wilson has always spoken highly of his home planet.

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Rough night for the Lakers, who led by seven with five minutes left, and still fell to the Dallas Mavericks, who now lead the best-of-seven series 3-0.   This could be the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles.  Are we sure the McCourts aren’t somehow involved?

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Brett Favre now says he might become a coach or work as a television analyst in the future. Of course it will probably take him 10 years to decide which one.

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Saturday is the “Run for the Roses.” And besides all the folks who forgot and are scrambling for flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s also the Kentucky Derby.

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One of the horses in the Derby is named “Pants on Fire.”  My son points out what a shame it is that there isn’t another horse in the field named “Liar, Liar.”   Because then the stretch drive could be truly memorable.

“And down the stretch they come It’s Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…”

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The San Jose City Council decided not to rename “Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport” to “Norman Y. Mineta Silicon Valley/San Jose International Airport.” Even the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim thought that sounded a bit unwieldy.

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Arthur Laurents, who wrote “West Side Story,” died at the age of 93.   Now, ironically, when San Jose got their hockey team, there was a naming contest and the first-place finisher was “Blades” But the owners were worried about potential gang name associations, and went with the runner-up, “Sharks.” (True.)

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Good thing Baltimore isn’t likely to win the World Series and be invited to the White House anytime in the next decade – Orioles star Luke Scott quoted this week “(President Obama’s) birth certificate has yet to be validated … If they can counterfeit $100 bills, I think it’s a million times easier to counterfeit a birth certificate…. Anybody can produce a document, so let’s check it out.”

Al-Qaida has confirmed Osama Bin Laden’s death and vowed “retaliation.” So since their announced plan already was to destroy America, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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Implausible deniability?

May 6, 2011

 Pakistan is sticking to their story that they had no idea where Bin Laden was staying. When told that this defied logic, they pointed out that the current U.S. Secretary of State said she had no idea that her husband was straying.

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And in a sports-related vein,  Pakistan’s claim  makes about as much sense as Bud Selig’s claim that he and MLB officials had no idea about the steroid problem.

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Los Angeles Lakers’ forward Ron Artest has been suspended from game three against the Mavericks for a flagrant foul on Dallas guard J.J. Barea. Wow, at this point that could be half the Lakers’ season.

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Apparently Prince William and Kate will be visiting California in July. No word on their itinerary but surely they will visit San Francisco? The “City by the Bay” certainly knows how to appreciate a good queen.

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The Pac 12’s new $3 billion contract with ESPN and Fox will mean a lot more Thursday and Friday night football games, never a favorite of coaches because of what they do to preparation and recovery time. Meanwhile we wonder how some of these kids get the idea it’s all about the money?

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Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left.

(Augie says the Donald dropped out because someone told him he’d have to wear a helmet and muss up his hair.)

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Artest actually just won the NBA’s “J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship” Award last Tuesday.  So does his suspension mean the award will have an asterisk?

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Actually Artest really in general does seem to have turned his life around, and has mostly been a model player who’s made service to the community a priority. (He even raffled off his 2010 championship ring to raise money for mental health charities.) 

But seriously, the NBA’s best citizen?  A few years ago that seemed as likely as Kobe Bryant getting an award as the league’s best husband.

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A top ranked Washington Capitals were swept out of the NHL playoffs by the Tampa Bay Lightning. The GOP are trying to figure out if there’s a way to blame this on Obama.

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President Obama yesterday wished all Americans a happy Cinco de Mayo. And Sarah Palin responded “Idiot. Had Obama grown up in the U.S. he would know; mayo doesn’t sink.  It floats. Mustard sinks.

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Apparently George W. Bush, despite his invitation from President Obama, declined to attend today’s Ground Zero ceremony because he was feeling left out and not getting much credit. Of course, part of the problem is that Cheney made him feel the same way.

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