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Paint Drying Alert.

September 18, 2013

America’s Cup races 11 and 12 were postponed today. This after a close race 10 where New Zealand skipper Dean Barker said afterwards “If you didn’t enjoy today’s racing out there, you should watch another sport.” Most Americans sports fans didn’t hear him though, as they were watching other sports.

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If the Kiwis win both races today, the America’s Cup will go back to New Zealand. Not to say most in the US won’t care, but to paraphrase Shakespeare, “Easy will lie the head that used to wear the crown.”

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A South Carolina woman was arrested for allegedly injuring her housemate with knives because he wouldn’t stop playing Eagles music. Good thing the guy wasn’t a Justin Bieber fan or he’d probably be dead.

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Just announced: the Cal Bears football game on September 28 against #2 Oregon in Eugene will be at 730p for television. Presumably to attract fans of “Breaking Bad” who enjoy watching prime-time slaughter.

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Who says the NFL isn’t looking out for the common man. The league said today that 40% of tickets to this year’s Super Bowl will be under $1000.

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Penthouse Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. Said many women – “What’s Penthouse?” Said most men under 30 – “What’s a magazine?”

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KFC in Indonesia is now offering for dessert, a donut topped with Swiss and Cheddar cheese. This wouldn’t happen in the U.S. They’d sell the donut with cheese AND bacon.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  FC Barcelona has signed a nine-year-old Swedish prodigy, Zico Marecaldi Jr., to their training academy.During the process, they were advised by recruiters from American college football’s Southeastern Conference.

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The World Champion SF Giants are finally looking like the team they were in Oct. 2012. Too bad it took until Sept. 2013.

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Miss South Carolina Brooke Mosteller last Sunday night in her Miss America pageant intro: “I’m from the state where 20% of our homes are mobile because that’s how we roll.” Maybe she should have stuck to “World Peace.”.

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Very different cases, but Edward Snowden, Aaron Alexis…. Maybe the U.S. does need to look at the requirements for screening subcontractors?

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–Congrats to Chris Davis, for breaking the Baltimore Orioles single season home run record. But as vehement as Davis is about not being juiced, does he really want any more comparisons with Brady Anderson?

 

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Fox News’ Elisabeth Hasselback, talking about how the left has it wrong, and what we REALLY need is video game control “What about frequency testing? How often has this game been played? I’m not one to get in there and say, monitor everything, but if this, indeed, is a strong link, right, to mass killings then why aren’t we looking at frequency of purchases per person? And also, how often they’re playing and maybe they time out after a certain hour.”

Guess she doesn’t think if video games are outlawed, only outlaws will have video games.

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Here we go again. Some in the GOP threatening to shut down the U.S. Government if we don’t defund Obamacare. Now, whatever you think of Obamacare, wouldn’t you think if Americans really wanted to do that, they would have tossed the President backing it out of office?

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Barfman ?

September 14, 2013

A rumor is circulating that Justin Bieber is up for the role of Robin in the next Batman movie. Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country? Think the reaction from most liberals and conservatives is – “I’m going to throw up.”

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ESPN says they have obtained a photo of Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel signing for autograph broker Drew Tieman this January. Gosh if this is authentic and the NCAA had seen it, Manziel might have been suspended for three whole quarters.

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Cal’s football team did lose 52-34 to Ohio State Saturday night. But is it a moral victory that they scored 15 more than the SF Giants did in LA?

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The Fresno State-Colorado football game was cancelled due to flooding. Colorado coach Mike MacIntyre said “There are a lot of issues out there that are a lot bigger than football.” Now there’s a man who will never coach in Texas.

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This week, a Pennsylvania appeals court will hear Jerry Sandusky’s challenge to his child molestation conviction. If he loses, can they change his sentence to be served in the general population?

Quote from Harry S Truman, who may be smiling about Syria today: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”

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Oregon-Tennessee uniforms are as ugly as the game. The 80s called, they want their color scheme back.

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Oregon 59 – #Tennessee 7. Last time young men from the South were beaten this badly by young men from the North, General Lee was arranging terms of surrender.

.And lastly, from my friend Michael Schilby.  If this story isn’t true it should be.  Dedicated to all of us who have had TMI moments on public transit:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.

“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.

“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.

“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.

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Southern family values.

September 10, 2013

George Zimmerman was briefly taken into custody over an alleged incident involving his estranged wife and a gun.  So congratulations to all those who had September 9 in the pool.

 

North Carolina Police said an 11 year-old girl accidentally shot and killed her 19 (not a typo) year-old stepfather when he was showing her his new handgun. (Mom is 35)  The silver lining to this sad story, since he was her stepfather, the young man qualifies for a Darwin Award.,

 

My friend Chris Eisenberg wonders how the family with the 35 year-old mom and 11 year-old daughter who accidentally shot her 19-year-old stepfather doesn’t have a reality show. Actually, I think they might be working on one: “Here comes Honey Boom Boom.”

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It’s only week one but we know the NFL season is in full swing: Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh is already looking at discipline from the NFL for an illegal hit against the Vikings.

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Anthony Weiner responded grumpily to a question about the whereabouts of his wife on the Today Show Monday saying, that his campaign “was always about me.” Uh, Mr. Danger, everything was always about you. Which is part of the problem.

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But what about feeding her family? A judge denied Jamie McCourt request to throw out their $131 million divorce settlement. The former L.A. Dodgers CEO believes her ex-husband Frank McCourt misled her about the value of the team, which he sold for $2 billion. A shame these two got divorced, they so richly deserve each other.

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The Arena football team LA KISS has offered Tim Tebow a 3 year QB contract. Not sure how it would work out on the field, but any poster featuring Tebow with Gene Simmons has best seller potential.

 

The Washington Redskins are 0-1  #IblameObama

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Chip Kelly’s Philadelphia Eagles made him a winner in his NFL coaching debut. Mostly surprising the East Coast media who figured that he’d only coached at Oregon, and thus had no experience with professional players.

 

 

A field goal with time expiring meant the Houston Texans won Tuesday Morning Football.

 

But really, what was it with this super late start time of the Texans-Chargers game.  It’s not like the NFL was competing tonight with real late night sports television – like a Yankees-Red Sox game.

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A face-saving way out… with no bombing? Reports are that Syria may now accept a proposal to put their weapons under international control.”  So do we blame Obama?

 

It may now be a non-issue if Assad accepts turning over control of his weapons, but the GOP is saying that President Obama won’t be able to get any legislation passed in his second term if the House turns down his request to authorize a strike on Syria. Really? As opposed to all the legislation they were going to pass if Syria never happened?

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The Royal not always known as Prince?

September 8, 2013

Prince Andrew was briefly stopped by Buckingham Palace police who didn’t recognize him on an evening walk through the gardens. Good thing this was England and not the U.S., so the Prince wasn’t accidentally shot.

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A 107-year-old man was killed during a shootout with members of an Arkansas SWAT team last night. Sigh. Once again this is what happens when you have guns without parental responsibility.

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Oracle Team USA has at least avoided a shutout in the America’s Cup by finally winning race 4. This is a tough one for many U.S. sports fans. With the natural inclination to cheer “USA USA” running directly into their natural hatred of Larry Ellison

 

–115,109 fans watched the Wolverines beat the Fighting Irish last night at Michigan stadium. That’s  almost the average attendance of a couple of Tampa Bay Rays’ home stands.

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Texas and USC, who played for the BCS National Championship in 2006, have both fallen out of the AP top 25 poll. Maybe they’re hoping for a rematch, in the Valero Alamo Bowl.

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Wonder if anyone in the Green Bay Packers locker room made the mistake of saying before today’s game, “Well, at least this season we’re opening with refs who know the rule book?”

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From T.C.   “Former NFL running back Ricky Williams is an asst coach for a college in San Antonio. Look for this team to run the Weed-Option offence.”

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Mark Sanchez may have a torn labrum in his shoulder, which will not necessarily need surgery. And NY Jets fans are thinking “Rest, take all the time you need, years even…”

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With Sunday night’s NY Giants vs Dallas Cowboys game have to figure 10% of Americans wanted  NY, 10% wanted Dallas, and the rest wish they could both lose.

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Meanwhile, back in MLB, what happened to the “invincible” Atlanta Braves and Los Angeles Dodgers? Both losers of four straight….

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Lost in the hubbub over the NFL opening weekend was the Reds 4-3 walkoff win over the Dodgers last night. When Brian Wilson walked the first batter in the 10th, and Cincinnati scored with a stolen base and a single. Ladies and gentlemen in Los Angeles, get your flasks ready.

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NY Yankees win with walkoff walk after another blown save. Maybe even Mariano Rivera wants to be done with A-Rod after the regular season.

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Almost perfect

September 6, 2013

How do you not love a pitcher who has thrown a perfect game for 8 innings who strikes out the leadoff batter in the 9th with three pitches: 77 mph, 76 mph and 77 mph. And it was a swinging strike three.

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Actually rarer to lose perfect game on 27th batter (12 times) than to throw a perfect game (23 times)   #SFGiants #YusmeiroPetit #damnericchavez

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Prefer college football generally to the NFL, except for the post season. If the NFL were the NCAA, the defending champion Baltimore Ravens would have fallen enough in the rankings last night to guarantee they wouldn’t be in the national championship.

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Apparently teams are telling #TimTebow he’s not an NFL quarterback. Well, that never stopped Rex Grossman.

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General Mills is recalling some refrigerated Pillsbury cinnamon rolls because the dough may contain plastic pieces. Surprised they aren’t touting the plastic as adding fiber.

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New Chicago Cubs pitcher, Daniel Bard, claimed off waivers from the Boston Red Sox, says “To have a fresh environment to work in is really exciting.” Not to mention not having to deal with all that playoff pressure.

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Most of the cast of “The Big Chill” assembled in Toronto for a 30th anniversary showing of the movie. The theme song’s changed a bit though. Now,it’s “You not only can’t always get what you want, you can’t always remember what it is you wanted.”

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Downton Abbey is actually shot at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, but apparently increasing numbers of Americans are heading to the small village of Downton, 200 miles away, looking for where they film the show…. Can’t imagine where we get the reputation for being stupid tourists.

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The Columbus (OH) Dispatch had a headline this morning saying that “Elway throws seven touchdown passes.” Hmm, wonder if this means the paper will ascribe arrests of Urban Meyer players this fall to the University of Florida.

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President Obama and Putin had a conversation that Obama said was “constructive” Putin says they still don’t agree, “but we listened to each other. Well, that’s better than between the President and Congress.

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Worst thing about Peyton Manning’s 7 TD performance Thursday night? Means the endless media deification of Ray Lewis from last year will go on for at least another week

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San Jose State will play Stanford for the 67th and perhaps last time in football Saturday night, and the Spartan’s coach made it sound as it was because the Cardinal didn’t want to play “home and home” (Alternate stadiums.) Of course the fact that San Jose State ended up accepting $3 MILLION to travel twice to Auburn instead of playing Stanford has nothing to do with it.

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Winning isn’t everything….

August 28, 2013

Wow. NJ Gov. Chris Christie called a NY Daily News reporter an “idiot” The paper fired back with a headline “Who you calling an idiot, fatso!” Almost enough to make you look forward to the 2016 Presidential election…

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Tim Tebow has survived the latest cut and looks like he may make the Patriots final roster. Not sure about New England fans but comedy writers everywhere are saying “Thank you, Jesus!”

 

 

An international jury began hearings today into allegations that Larry Ellison’s Oracle Team USA illegally modified boats in this year’s America’s Cup. Well, and who’d ever think Larry Ellison would cheat at anything.

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A upcoming Rolling Stone article apparently alleges that while Aaron Hernandez was at the University of Florida, coach Urban Meyer “may have covered up failed drug tests along with two violent incidents” including a drive-by shooting. That would be shocking, responded absolutely no one.

 

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Is no sport sacred? United States skater Simon Cho has been banned from competing for two years after confessing he had tampered with a Canadian’s skates at the 2011 world team short-track championships in Poland. Next we’ll be hearing about tampering with curling stones.

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According to his lawyer, George Zimmerman will ask the state of Florida to reimburse him up to $300,000 of his legal expenses. Wonder if that means Zimmerman will then turn around and give some of the donations to his legal fund to the state?

 

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Alex Rodriguez is now 10 homers away from tying Willie Mays for 4th on the all time career list. Per his contract, this would mean a $6 million bonus. Which gives the Yankees 6 million more reasons to wish A-Rod would go away.

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Just guessing, for the forseeable future, if Disney televises anything featuring alums from their past shows, they are not likely to invite Miley Cyrus?

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In Brooklyn, an alleged cellphone thief was caught when he tripped over his own sagging jeans. Karma is not only a bitch, she apparently really is part of the fashion police.

 

 

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says the company will not cut staff or benefits in anticipation of next year’s Obamacare changes. To be fair, Schultz also didn’t say that Starbucks will not double coffee prices either.

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Okay, for the longest MLB home run in 2013 who had Hunter Pence, 476 feet tonight? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

 

–Tom Tolbert made an interesting point on  KNBR radio about Johnny Manziel’s six hour conversation with NCAA officials. How long does it take to say “Did you get paid for signing autographs?” “Are you sure?”….

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Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together…

August 21, 2013

David Cassidy has been arrested again for DUI, the second time in three years. Looks like the former Partridge Family star was been taking “C’mon, get happy” a little too literally.

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There’s now some buzz in the media over whether or not Tim Tebow will make New England’s final roster. The Patriots have to love this – finally some headlines that don’t involve a Brady injury or murder.

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Wow, just wow. A recent survey of Louisiana Republicans asked who was most to blame for the Government response to Katrina. 22% said George W. Bush. 29% said Barack Obama. (No joke. 44% weren’t sure.)

 

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A-Rod says he has told his legal team to shut down the rhetoric with MLB and the Yankees because he’s “just focusing on baseball, just baseball.” Translation: “My lawyers are actually making me look WORSE.”

 

Celebrity Cruise Lines has cancelled four Alaska cruises due to a problem with one of their ship’s motors  Carnival’s response “FINALLY, it’s not us.”

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Imitating the airlines?  Holland America Line is sending out revised invoices because they say “govt fees and taxes are subject to change” and the actual taxes and fees now exceed their estimates.  The increase $4.08 a person.  Probably cost more than that to send the invoice.

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A North Carolina man has been arrested for the third time for giving women unwanted backrubs. What’s his defense? That he someday wants to run for Mayor of San Diego?

 

No word from the NRA after the senseless shooting of a college baseball player in Oklahoma. Half expect someone to say this would not have happened if the young Australian man had been armed.

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Miguel Cabrera played today after appearing to have injured himself again in last night’s game. The Tigers’ star has been playing through a strained lower abdomen, injured hip and banged-up left leg. Gosh, can you imagine how Cabrera would hit if he were healthy?

 

 

So much success in sports is due to the luck of the draw on physical gifts. For the Little League World Series, add to that “the luck of the draw on reaching puberty.”

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Although prosecutors had asked for 60 years, Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35 years for leaking government secrets. After precisely the sort of “fair and open trial” Edward Snowden is in Russia trying to avoid.

 

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Bo knows better?

August 13, 2013

The latest Obama “scandal” is the idea that the President chartered a fancy plane to bring Bo to Martha’s Vineyard. Apparently Bo did travel on the MV-22 Osprey, but it also carried White House staff, media, and the Secret Service. Of course if Romney had been elected the dog would have flown on the roof where he belonged.

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Joe Biden is giving hints of a possible run for the Presidency in 2016? So what will his real contribution be to the race? Making Hillary look young?

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The Texas State Board of Education is trying to get “intelligent design” into biology textbooks. Interesting thing…most of the folks arguing “intelligent design” are their own best arguments against it.

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So maybe catcher A.J. Pierzynski’s ejection in the 6th inning was the reason Yu Darvish lost his perfect game in the 8th. Maybe not. But that’s okay. Because the real reason fans come to games is to see world-class umpiring from guys like home-plate umpire Ron Kulpa.

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Want tickets to the Univ. of Florida vs. Georgia game this year in Jacksonville? A few are available, all you need is a contribution to the Florida Gator Boosters. The amounts needed? For 6 tickets, $14,500, for 2, $8,300. Hard to imagine how some of these players get that idea that the point of playing college football is money.

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Apparently the first pictures of little Prince George after his brief appearance on the hospital steps are likely to be family photos sent out on Twitter by William and Kate. And somewhere the Kardashians are thinking ‘What, no multi-million $ contract?””

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Personally I don’t get the handbag thing, (wouldn’t pay $380, let alone $38K), but the Swiss saleswoman is now trying to attack Oprah’s credibility by saying “I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags.” Maybe she should quit while she’s behind.

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Mike Trout said anyone caught using PEDs should be banned from baseball for life. Which means either that he’s not using, or he doesn’t think he’ll get caught.

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Allegedly Johnny Manziel signed autographs and memorabilia for dealers at at least two previously unreported off-season sessions. At this point wonder if Manziel will be signing autographs this fall as a quarterback for the Canadian Football League.

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From T.C.  PGA Champion Jason Dufner’s final round scorecard will be sent to The World Golf Hall of Fame, but not until Johnny Manziel co-signs it.

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A California man on a hunting trip was shot and killed in Marin County last weekend while riding in a car with other hunters. The Sheriff’s department is indicating a gun accidentally “went off.” Gosh, if only he had been armed.

(Augie wonders, “was Cheney in the car?”)

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An SF Giants fan apologized to Adam Jones, saying he did not intend a racial insult, but was so frustrated with the Giants’ play against the Orioles that he just grabbed a banana off a catering cart at AT&T Park and threw it toward the field. The way the SF bullpen looked in that 10-2 loss, suppose it’s lucky that the fan didn’t pick up and throw the whole cart.

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Misery loves company.

August 11, 2013

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Judge ordered a 60 day cooling off period in the BART negotiations. This process is beginning to look like it’s about as productive and will drag out as long as the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce.

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Who needs “Breaking Bad” in San Francisco. Giants fans already got their dose of “Breaking Ball Bad” today when Zito took the mound in relief.

 

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Kevin Federline has gotten married again.  See ladies, it’s not just the good ones who are taken.

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Rockie FSU QB Jameis Winston told reporters “”If I get ‘Manziel disease,’ I want every one of y’all to get your mics and just start [hitting me] on the head.” Well, this should be fun if the Aggies and Seminoles meet in a bowl game.

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ESPN headline “Tiger finishes PGA at 4 over.”   Gosh, did they cancel the rest of the tournament afterwards?

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Alas for the comedy writers of the world, Stephanie Banister, who this week referred to Islam as a country, has dropped out of her race for a parliamentary seat in Australia. But here’s one more gem: “”Jews aren’t under haram (sic), they have their own religion which follows Jesus Christ.” Ah, Stephanie, we hardly knew ye.

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Two customs agents at JFK were sickened by a substance that authorities originally thought was nerve gas, but apparently turned out to be ordinary nail polish remover. Stand by for one more thing that TSA may now look to confiscate. Sigh.

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner just left a two-week behavior therapy program a week early. What’s with this guy? First he thinks he’s Herman Cain, now he thinks he’s Lindsay Lohan?

 

–The GOP is calling for a Presidential primary debate boycott of NBC if they air a miniseries about Hilary Clinton. Turns out the show may be produced for NBC by another company: Fox Television Studios (sister company of FOX News.) Oops. One might just think the GOP doesn’t want their debates aired at all….

 

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Say what, say who?

August 11, 2013

After 3 rounds of the PGA, lots of headlines about Tiger Woods not being able to win another major this week. Amazed I haven’t seen one that says he’s ONLY 13 shots back

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Men are having a hard time with the Oprah in Switzerland story. Who would want a $38,000 handbag anyway? I mean for the cost of a few of those purses you could get a Ferrari.

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The NSA says that they only  “touch” 1.6 % of internet data,(and of that 0.025% is selected for review.) The other 98.4% belongs to advertisers.

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All pitchers are equal, some of them are more equal than others: MLB just overturned an official scorer’s call in the Tigers-White Sox game July 25. They decided an RBI double by Chicago’s Tyler Flowers was actually an error. Now, all four runs that inning against Justin Verlander are unearned…

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Johnny Manziel’s lawyer predicts the Heisman Trophy winner won’t miss any playing time in 2013. And if the NCAA investigation means that Texas A & M has to retroactively forfeit their season, well, WGASA. (Certainly not Johnny.)

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Chris Brown’s publicist said the singer has suffered a seizure brought on by “intense fatigue and extreme emotional stress.” “Gosh what a shame” said a handful of men and no women.

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So tired of Fox baseball idiots.  (Yes, I mean you, Buck and McCarver.)   They were saying how the Orioles should walk Posey to pitch to Pence, even though Posey, while the reigning MVP, has been about 1 for 100 with RISP recently. Fortunately Showalter wasn’t any smarter.  And Pence got the game winning hit.  Go Giants.

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The NY Yankees are now trying to fine A-Rod about $150,000 for missing a day of his rehab without team permission. This relationship is deteriorating faster than a Hollywood marriage.

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The Mars One project, planned to start in 2022, is looking for 40 people willing to take a one-way trip to the planet in order to colonize it. Reportedly over 10,000 people have applied. Wonder how many of those applications were actually sent in by the person’s significant other or ex?

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The Obama family is vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard this week. The outcry from some in the GOP about such an exclusive destination could only be matched by the same people’s indignation if the President chose somewhere like Disney World or a Florida beachj. Where the security would interrupt the hard-earned vacations of countless average Americans.

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Rainbow warriors?

August 8, 2013

You know, instead of boycotting the 2014 Sochi Olympics, the entire USA team could just walk in holding hands.

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Today was the first day of the NFL preseason. Completely meaningless games in August. Making the whole country honorary Cubs fans.

 

–Lebron James reported for jury duty this morning but was dismissed. Guess the judge didn’t want to risk turning the jury’s decision into a one-hour TV special.

 

Okay, it’s only preseason, but how lousy did the SF 49ers look tonight on offense? Some fans thought they were watching the SF Giants?

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Dr. Sanjay Gupta comes out in support of medical marijuana: ‘We have been terribly and systematically misled.” If only Thomas Jefferson had grown marijuana along with tobacco. How different our “Bill of Rights” might have been?

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said today that they will stop selling jerseys of college athletes, including those of Johnny Manziel, online: “We’re going to exit that kind of business immediately. I certainly understand how people can see that as hypocritical.” With all due respect Mr. Emmert, even Stevie Wonder could see that as hypocritical.

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August 8 was “World Cat Day.” To which most cats respond “Isn’t EVERY day world cat day?”

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I thought there was a major golf tournament this weekend but all I see in the news is this stuff about Tiger Woods having a bad round.

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Family values alert: A Florida mother and daughter were arrested this week and will both face charges after soliciting “two-for-one” sex deals online. Your move, Arizona.

 

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Anyone need any more proof on the unreliability of online rating services? Tripadvisor just rated New York as America’s fourth-best pizza town. Behind San Diego, Las Vegas and Boston.

 

Bus to hell time. Miami resident Derek Medina allegedly shot his wife to death this morning, and then posted a picture of her body on his Facebook page. Previously Medina’s only claim to fame was as the author of the e-book “How I Saved Someone Else’s Life and Marriage through Communication.”

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “I hear that while at the University of  Florida, Riley Cooper made the Paula Deen’s List-“

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It’s only money

August 8, 2013

The New York Yankees are playing like a team that doesn’t want this A-Rod circus to continue into the postseason.

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In the SF Bay Area, BART and their unions are reportedly about $100 million apart in their strike talks. In New York they’re thinking “$100 million? That’s barely a Yankees middle reliever.”

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Signed memorabilia from Ohio State QB Braxton Miller and South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney have appeared for sale online, but the schools say there was no wrongdoing by the athletes. And if you can’t trust Urban Meyer and Steve Spurrier, who can you trust?

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You just MIGHT have too much money when…A Los Angeles Bar has unveiled a 20 item water, complete with water sommelier on hand. Prices go up to $16 and there are $12 tasting flights. This being Los Angeles wonder how long it will take for someone to ask for a preferred water recommendation for their dog.

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–Mitt Romney, speaking about GOP 2016 Presidential candidates “My guess is that every one of the contenders would be better than whoever the Democrats put up. But there will only be one or perhaps two who actually could win the election in November.” Well, if anyone knows about unelectable….

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Massachusetts Catholic priest, Monsignor Arthur Doyle, 62, was arrested in Lowell on a prostitution charge last weekend. He was caught with the woman, 38, performing oral sex on him in a car. And the archdiocese is going. “Thank God, an adult female.”

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From Marc Ragovin:   “A shipping company in Italy has discovered long-lost footage of a pre-Citizen Kane film by Orson Welles called “Too Much Johnson.” Hey, isn’t that Anthony Weiner’s campaign slogan?’

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Timberwolves rookie Shabazz Muhammad was sent home by the team for the rule violation of bringing a female guest into his hotel room. The reason Muhammad was at the hotel? The four-day NBA’s Rookie Transition Program, designed to help young players stay out of trouble…..

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Captain Kangaroo’s Cosmo Allegretti, 86, who created the Dancing Bear, has died. For the younger generation, yes, there were lovable puppets before the Muppets.

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Only missed the ‪#‎Powerball‬ jackpot by six numbers tonight. And I didn’t even play.

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Okay, who’s the brilliant mind who came up with this on KNBR- an SF Giants ad for the Brewers series at A T & T taunting Milwaukee about their suspended slugger with an asterisk? Must have been promotional pot-kettle giveaway night.

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LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill was already on probation for a sex-crime involving a 14 year old girl when he was arrested in April for sucker-punching a man at a bar. (And he was seen laughing about it on a video.) 

The judge, however, just extended his probation, with a curfew. Then Les Miles let the team vote, and they voted to reinstate him. Good thing the judge’s provision said the curfew would be waived for football night games…

(You have to wonder, if Hill murders someone, will they make him sit out a quarter?)

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Human Rights Watch, reporting on Russian efforts to silence journalists and activists before the Sochi games, says that organizations documenting Olympic preparation abuses “were subject to intrusive government inspections, including at least one organization that had its email accounts examined.” Gosh, if there were only someone in Russia who was willing to take on a government over such actions.

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Pay to play?

August 7, 2013

Not saying Johnny Manziel is getting a big head. But at this point I half expect to read that he gets pulled over for speeding and tries to charge the officer to sign the ticket.

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Johnny Manziel allegedly received at least $7500 for signing autographs. Looks like the NCAA’s policy on accepting payments is working about as well as MLB’s drug policy.

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Not saying ‪#‎A-Rod‬‘s self-centered act is getting old but even his mirror is telling him he might not be the fairest of them all anymore.

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Bill Clinton said he and Hillary wouldn’t get within 100 miles of the New York mayoral race. Darn. Wishing Bill had said he wouldn’t touch the race with a 10 inch pole.

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Rick Perry in a speech last weekend “There are many states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years. I’m in one today – Florida.” Except Perry was speaking in New Orleans. But give the Texas Governor credit, he was close. Sort of .

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The GOP is threatening not to let NBC and CNN televise the next GOP presidential primary debates if they go ahead with miniseries about Hillary Clinton.The networks have to be wondering, how many good reasons will Rick Perry give them?

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ABA conference starts today in San Francisco Is it just coincidence that 8,000 plus lawyers will descend on the city right in the middle of Shark Week?

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You just can’t make this “stuff” up: Scott Hounsell, the former executive director of the GOP in Los Angeles County, has been mocking Anthony Weiner on Twitter. Last Friday he was arrested for allegedly sending sexting a 16-year-old.

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Taco Bell is debuting a new waffle taco. For those who are tired of always starting the day with something healthy like a doughnut.

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Just in case we thought this A-Rod circus didn’t have enough clowns, enter Ozzie Guillen. Who tweeted “its all madonnas fault. every athlete she has been with has gone bad. see canseco, rodman and now rodriguez lol lol lol.”

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Bud Selig had yesterday he was proud of baseball’s Joint Drug Program including “random testing, groundbreaking blood testing for human growth hormone..” Uh, Bud, except with all these suspensions – THE TESTING DIDN’T CATCH ANYONE……

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You know it’s a long night at A T and T park when SF Giants fans are looking forward to the between innings “Kiss Cam” to see some scoring.

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SF Giants scheduled Jewish Heritage night Tuesday night against the Milwaukee Brewers. Possibly to honor the top Jewish MLB player. Oops.

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Really? In response to complaints that they haven’t chosen a minority as “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette”, ABC has made the daring move of choosing a hunky blonde ex-soccer player from…. Venezuela?

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Going to party like it’s 2012?

July 28, 2013

SF Giants are heading to the White House tomorrow for a celebration of their 2012 World Series win. The team might really connect with President Obama, who also knows what it’s like to have a big win and then a bit of a letdown year.

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Rumors are that MLB will FINALLY announce all the Biogenesis suspensions this week. Maybe they can have the announcement sponsored by Nike “Just Do It, already.”

 

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After this homestand the SF Giants need to add an asterisk when they sell those “game-used” bats.

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But really, the Giants can’t catch any breaks in 2013.  Where are the Houston Astros when you need them.

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In the “misery loves company” department,  if the season ended today, Giants players could watch the playoffs from their couch along with the Yankees, Angels and Phillies – four teams, with a combined payroll of over $671 million.

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USA, USA, USA! The U.S. won the Gold Cup today. “Awesome, said most Americans. “What’s the Gold Cup?”

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Aww story: Hunter Mahan, who was leading the Canadian Open, left abruptly before his Saturday tee time when his wife went into early labor, and made it back to Texas for the birth of his first child, a daughter. Think he’s got the trump card for that parent-teenager “Dad, you never cared about me” argument….

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Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel was kicked out of a frat party this weekend… in Austin, at A & M’s arch-rival the University of Texas. Forget Manziel’s party behavior, he may be too stupid to be an NFL QB.

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Oakland Raiders receiver Andre Holmes has been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s PED policy. And these days the reaction is “meh, at least he wasn’t arrested.”

 

 

UNC suspended P.J. Hairston, their leading men’s basketball scorer, after his third traffic citation in less than 2 months, this time for allegedly driving 93 MPH. Is this Hairston’s way of trying to join the list of college basketball players who’ve been drafted by the NFL?

 

From T.C.   “News flash from Camden Yards.  The Baltimore Orioles announced today that thanks to David Ortiz, the visitors’ dugout is now wireless.-“

(for the uninitiated, link follows –  http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/07/david-ortiz-obliterated-a-dugout-phone-with-his-bat/   )

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What’s in a name?

July 24, 2013

British trivia for the day: Nice of Kate and William to name their son after his great-grandfather, George VI. Except that King George VI’s real name was Albert Frederick Arthur George. (Really.)

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Stay classy Anthony Weiner, His explanation for the latest texts: “It was a terrible mistake that I unfortunately returned to during a rough time in our marriage.” So it’s his WIFE’s fault….

 

George Alexander Louis. What, they couldn’t think of a third middle name? ‪#‎RoyalBabyNames‬

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A thought on the recent Weiner and Geraldo debacle. Anyone else miss the good old days when drunk or stupid dialing just embarrassed you to one other person?

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It could be worse, SF Giants fans. The team could have signed Albert Pujols to a $250 million contract.

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A new study found that over 200,000 children were injured by falling television sets over the last 20 years. If only those children had been armed.

 

Newest bumper sticker in New York? “Honk if you’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner?” ‪#‎Anthonyweiner‬

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New Southwest‬ cocktail in New York? Just one and you may land flat on your nose.

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Carlos Danger, Anthony Weiner…. didn’t those two headline a Chippendales show a decade or so ago?

 

One thing no one is talking about with the Ryan Braun case: so much for the idea you can always tell a PED user because he will be incredibly large with a big head.

 

ESPN headline “Sources: A-Rod thinks Yankees against him.” Yo, A-Rod, it’s not just the Yankees.

 

Bud Selig says now that he is proud of Major League Baseball’s drug program. It’s amazing the man doesn’t have ruptured discs from all the patting he does of his own back.

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How bad is it getting for Anthony Weiner. If this keeps up Oscar Mayer is going to sue him for product defamation.

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In North Carolina, it will soon become legal to bring guns into bars, and to leave them in cars on college campuses. Well, that should at least cut down on college football players in the state being arrested.

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Shirley, you can’t be serious.

July 23, 2013

For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)

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Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.

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Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? ‪#‎Seligfail‬

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Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.

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Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.

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Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?

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Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?

 

Two from my friend Marc Ragovin:  “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious:  Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.”   And   “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced.  Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum.  Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”

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The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.

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A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?

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Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”

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Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.

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For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”

Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

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Good Prince What’s His Name….

July 22, 2013

Congrats to Kate and William.   The heir down, the spare to go.

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The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.

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From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”

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More from the great Simon  “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”

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And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.

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Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.

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Another nice thing about the ‪#‎royalbaby‬. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.

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From Gary Bachman:  “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”

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How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?

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February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?

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So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”

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What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?

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65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football.  (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four  game suspension.)

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On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.

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Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.

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Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.

(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)

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Lefty!

July 22, 2013

For non-golf fans, a 66 on the last day of the British Open is pretty close to a no-hitter in baseball: Well played Lefty, VERY well played.

 

And even cooler, the U.K. Telegraph notes how he spent much of the time waiting for others to finish signing autographs for fans.  Yes, we never know about athletes’ private lives – see Tiger Woods. But Mickelson is warm and friendly in public.  And while he may not get the most media attention, he is almost certainly the most popular golfer on tour.)

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No royal baby yet. But hey, even Kate and William wouldn’t have wanted to compete for headlines in Britain with Phil Mickelson.

 

ESPN, sitting on some amazing British Open highlights, had to wait until 1a for the Yankees-Red Sox game to be over on the East Coast. Good game but the network was thinking it would have been a good night for a 2 hour NL pitchers’ duel.

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Florida Gators LB Antonio Morrison was suspended from the team after his 2nd arrest in five weeks, this time for allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. But this, from ESPN, is the part you can’t make up “according to a police report Morrison’s defense was the dog barked first.”

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Then there’s West Virginia DL Korey Harris who was arrested Friday for first-degree armed robbery.  Allegedly he and two others broken into a home and robbed two people at gunpoint.  Harris was arrested because one of the victims saw the player’s uniform number 96 on his official Mountaineers-issued sweatpants and gave the information to police.

Korey Harris has been dismissed from the team. No word if he got to keep his sweatpants.

(And wonder if he’ll get some interest from the SEC.)

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John McCain said the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bomber was “stupid.” Wow. McCain knows what Rolling Stone magazine is?

 

 

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Have heard the SF Giants are not bringing Gary Brown up because he can’t hit right-handed pitching. And compared to the rest of the team their point is?

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A strained thigh may keep A-Rod from rejoining the Yankees Monday as scheduled. And millions of baseball fans are thinking “promise?”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Expos fans flooded the stands in the game between the Blue Jays and Rays to make their case for bringing a team back to Montreal–but in deference to Steven Strasburg, the effort shut down in the seventh inning”

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For the birds

July 20, 2013

Now even ESPN is reporting on the increasing problem with seagulls showing up in mass numbers during SF Giants games. Time for a new promo? “Bring Your Cat” night.

(An anonymous friend suggests “free shotguns for the first 20,000 fans”

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Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas has died at the age of 92. Whatever you thought of her politics, she had more cojones than most men in the job.

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NY Giants safety Will Hill was suspended for four games in 2012 for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing substances policy. Today, the league says Hill violated the policy again and will be suspended in 2013 —for four more games. Yeah, but this time it will really teach him.

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Yoenis Cespedes was scratched from the Oakland A’s game against the Los Angeles Angels yesterday due to a “sore left wrist.” Not maybe what Bud Selig had in mind when he wanted the All-Star game to count.

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Signs that we’re getting to the serious part of the baseball season: 1. The All-Star Break. 2. The Red Sox and Yankees are back on the “Game of the Week” and “Sunday Night Baseball.”

 

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Have to assume that Kate Middleton is insulated from the nonstop British media coverage of the royal baby watch.  But probably her biggest regret about the early morning sickness is not being able to pretend she got pregnant a month or two later. Then she could declare a late August due date, and just tell  the public  “Surprise!”

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Dennis Baxley, one of the authors of Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, said that people shouldn’t boycott the state, because the law was intended in part to help protect tourists. “If you’re here with your family and you want to feel safe, that if you defend yourself or your family from a hotel invasion or if somebody [is] trying to carjack you, and you have to meet force with force,” you should know that the state of Florida won’t prosecute you.”

Should we rename it “the trigger-happiest place on Earth?”

 

There’s nothing like a dame. Helen Mirren, talking to the U.K. Daily Mail: “If I’d had children and had a girl, the first words I would have taught her would have been “f*** off” because we weren’t brought up ever to say that to anyone, were we?

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Mariano Rivera was cheered today in Fenway Park. A nice gesture by the Boston fans, but besides recognizing his accomplishments, they’re also thinking “After this year we don’t have to see him anymore.”

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Bizarre thing about this roller coaster death in Texas. It will scare millions of people out of riding roller coasters. And will make millions more more likely to ride them.

 

 

About 1,000 Montreal fans were at today’s Blue Jays game, with the announced mission of trying to get major league baseball back in their city. Amazing that they could still get all the Expos’ season ticket holders together.

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Games people pay to play.

July 20, 2013

The NY Post is reporting that some Manhattan parents are hiring $400-an-hour recreation “experts” to organize play dates for their children, since top private kindergartens watch how kids interact as part of the admissions process. Well, what’s $400 an hour when you’re saving for a lifetime of therapy.

 

There are reports that RGIII has been sexting a waitress, even on his wedding day. Who does the Redskins QB think he is? Tiger Woods?

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A little bizarre baseball trivia: Tim Lincecum’s no-hitter against the San Diego Padres – 148 pitches. Six SF Giants pitchers combining on a shutout against the Arizona D’backs Friday night – 123 pitches.

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New York Mets lose 13 to 8 after falling behind 11 to 0 to Phillies. Guess they didn’t want Citi Field fans to get too used to seeing All-Stars.

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While our country will never agree on the trial verdict, can we at least stop this characterization of Trayvon Martin as a thug because he used marijuana? My alma mater, Lake Brantley High School, is about 15 miles from Sanford, Florida. When I went there in the late 70s it was 99% white. And we had an outdoor smoking section. (really). It was a school joke, walk by the section, get high on the fumes. And they weren’t nicotine fumes….

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One group that is being very quiet about Trayvon Martin &  George Zimmerman – the NRA. ‪ Maybe they don’t want to start seeing quite ALL Americans armed?

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And putting this in perspective from Marc Ragovin:    “The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America.  Except in Chicago.  Well played, Steve Bartman.”

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The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.vB7Q9cly.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

Andrew Bynum, now a member of the Cavaliers, says that Cleveland is “definitely a playoff team.” Well, not sure about that. But the Cavs would probably be at least an NCAA tournament six seed.

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Not exactly.  Anthony Hopkins speaking to Jay Leno last night “Only America could produce ‘American Idol.'”

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Some wondered if after Texas passed very restrictive laws tightening clinic restrictions and banning abortion after 20 weeks, that the backlash from women might make them reconsider. They’re reconsidering all right. Now a legislator has introduced a bill banning abortion after SIX weeks.

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Matt Garza apparently has been told he’ll be traded, though he doesn’t want to leave the Cubs, as he believes the team is headed in the right direction. “I don’t think we are far away from winning.” Sounds like Garza is getting out of Wrigley just in time, he’s becoming delusional.

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Dear Gawd, now the U.K. Telegraph has a cover story on “10 ways to bring on the Royal Baby.” Actually there’s one way with a 100% success rate: Wait.

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So, conspiracy theorists of the world, where is the speculation that Kim Kardarshian is waiting to show pictures of North West until the day the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth?

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