Parenting over the rainbow.

Posted May 11, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

You cannot make this stuff up dept:  One of the people criticizing President Obama for his gay marriage decision, saying that “we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home,” is Bristol Palin.

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Here’s an interesting reaction to President Obama’s statement: “It is significant,” but “I, for one, am dissatisfied with half steps. I hoped for a leap from our president.” The speaker – Meghan McCain. Must be some interesting dinner table conversation in that family..

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Sarah Palin after President Obama’s saying his daughters influenced his thinking on gay marriage: “It would have been nice he had been an actual leader instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.” Guess Sarah thinks Obama should have been watching more serious television – like Dancing With the Stars.

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Yahoo’s beleaguered CEO Scott Thompson allegedly said he wasn’t the one who fabricated a Computer Science degree and that he never noticed the bogus degree on his resume. If true, forget the lying, the man is too STUPID to be a CEO.

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If Thompson gets fired from Yahoo he certainly has a chance to catch on at Costa Cruises – the man has “fell into a lifeboat” down cold.

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The parents of an 18 month old said they were ordered to leave a JetBlue flight because the little girl was apparently on a no-fly list. Well, sounds like a TSA mistake. On the other hand, most frequent fliers can relate to being terrorized by onboard toddlers.”

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Howard Stern, who is going to join “America’s Got Talent,” says he would be a better judge than Jennifer Lopez is on American Idol: “If I sit there and just sit in a beautiful dress and tell them they’re wonderful, they’re not going to get anywhere.” And Steven Tyler said, “Wait, that’s my job.”

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.Less than two days after she said she became a Swiss citizen, Michele Bachmann is giving up that Swiss citizenship. Saying that she was making the quick change to prove she is a “proud American citizen.” Either that or she’s hoping to impress Mitt Romney as a potential running mate.

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Now that he’s with the NY Jets, Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog “Bronco” to “Bronx.” What? Guess it was too unwieldy to call the pup “Meadowlands.”

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Time Magazine’s latest cover on “Extreme Parenting” shows a mother breastfeeding her four-year-old son, both of them standing up. And most teenagers think their parents had the most embarrassing little kid pictures of them….

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Gas prices have fallen as much as 20 cents a gallon in the U.S. in the last month. Stand by for Mitt Romney taking credit for it.

Leaving the marriage issue aside, here’s a question for my friends and readers of all political persuasions: Will there be an OPENLY gay male pro athlete in one of the major U.S. sports in the next 20 years? (Baseball, football, basketball, and sure, why not, hockey)

And if so, what sport?  My friend Michael Duca suggests basketball:  “just  because sooner or later someone’s going to notice the one guy who does not have 7 children by 9 mothers.

Comments: 3 Comments

We Hoped, we got Change….

Posted May 9, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Some folks can’t decide if they are madder at President Obama today because he said he now supports gay marriage, or because he said he came to the idea through evolution.

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Just wondering.  How come conservatives who are anti-gay marriage love to quote the Bible on homosexuality, but somehow forget all the verses on incest and polygamy etc?

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“I am more convinced than ever before that as we seek to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens, I will provide more effective leadership than my opponent.” A quote in response to Obama’s statement today? No, a 1994 statement from Mitt Romney while running against Ted Kennedy.

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Since marriages are in the headlines today, anyone else thinking that these NBA playoffs are going to last longer than Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’s marriage?

Amazing listening to all the conservatives criticizing President Obama’s statement that he now supports gay marriage. Where was this bashing when the same position was stated by Dick Cheney?

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Sheryl Crow forgot the lyrics to “Soak Up the Sun” during a Florida concert, and laughed it off with “I’m 50 what can I say! My brain has gone to s-.” Well, if true this ought to be entertaining when Aerosmith tours this summer….

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A Boston radio station is reporting that two days before he missed a start because of muscle stiffness, Red Sox starter Josh Beckett was playing golf. Hmm, maybe he’d have been better off sticking to recreational fried chicken and beer.

Patricia Krentcil, the “tanorexic” mom, has apparently been banned from several New Jersey tanning salons. So when can we expect John Boehner to stand up for the rights of orange people?

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Michelle Bachmann has used her husband Marcus’s heritage to claim dual Swiss citizenship. And Switzerland is saying “Wait a minute, I thought we and the U.S. had a mutual non-aggression pact.”

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Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle, the one he was riding at midnight with his mistress, is for sale.. Value of the 2007 Harley Davidson, approx $16,000. Repair cost: $18.000. Cost of the ride to Petrino’s reputation: Priceless.-

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The NY Times is reporting that NCAA is already investigating Nerlens Noel, a top high school basketball recruit who has committed to play for John Calipari’s Kentucky Wildcats. Hmm, if they find something could that make Noel a “none and done?”

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says he needs more time and has asked for another delay in the former Penn State asst. coach’s sexual abuse trial. Presumably until say, 2035?

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Richard Lugar on Tea Party activist Richard Mourdock, who defeated him in the primary. “His embrace of an unrelenting partisan mindset is irreconcilable with my philosophy of governance.” And Mourdock’s supporters probably respond with “There Lugar goes again, with all those fancy foreign words.”

So many closers injured,  so many ineffective.   This is really tough for the Yankees.  They haven’t yet figured who they want to buy to replace Mariano Riviera.

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Oft-injured Josh Hamilton led a group of Texas Rangers in an impromptu “Slip and Slide” game today on the tarp before a rain out at Baltimore Camden Yards. Rangers management cannot have been amused. . But “Boys will be boys” responded AL pitchers.

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From Gary M. “How about Josh Hamilton’s line last night at Baltimore: 5 hits, 4 home runs, 8 rbi, 4 runs scored, 18 total bases. Or, as the Mariners would call it: April.”

 

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Comments: 4 Comments

Carolina Blues.

Posted May 9, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

North Carolina voters passed a amendment to the state constitution defining marriage as strictly between a man and a woman. Really? Can a loving gay couple possibly do as much damage to the institution of marriage as say, John Edwards?

Reading about the John Edwards trial. Anyone else think that in a just world he and Rielle Hunter would be sentenced to spending the rest of their lives together?

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Some think this vote is the most embarrassing thing to happen in North Carolina since the Charlotte Bobcats.

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This just in: Cole Hamels says he would have just hit Josh Hamilton.

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From T.C.    Cole Hamels suspended and fined for beaning Bryce Harper on purpose. On the bright side, the city of New Orleans just made him an Honorary Captain of the Saints.

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Hell  potentially  freezes over department: Okay, it is now possible that the Clippers may last longer in the NBA playoffs than the Lakers.

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The Charlotte Bobcats are reportedly interested in Patrick Ewing for their head coaching position. Heck, with their record last year, maybe they should consider him as a player.

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An Indiana man was arrested for driving with four children strapped to the roof of his car. Wonder if he had a Romney bumpersticker?

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As a way to fight obesity, Massachusetts has banned the school bake sale. You know you might be too PC when even Californians say “That’s insane.”

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Mitt “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” Romney, is now taking credit for the auto industry’s recovery. What’s next, John Edwards taking credit for defending traditional marriage?  –

Rick Santorum says he’s against smoking, but he doesn’t want a law against smoking. But he’s against gay marriage, and he wants a law against gay marriage. Hmm, which of these things he doesn’t like actually can HURT people?

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A Florida man was arrested at BWI airport with a loaded Glock in his carry-on. He said he “forgot” the gun was in his bag. What, did he miss it under his quart plastic bag of toiletries?

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Mike McQueary has filed a whistleblower suit against Penn State. He’s the asst. football coach who first reported seeing Jerry Sandusky and the boy in the showers back in 2001. But then did nothing further. Uh, Mike, if you had REALLY blown the whistle, you wouldn’t be in the mess, career and otherwise, that you are in now.

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North Carolina passed that state constitutional amendment saying marriage is between a man and a woman. So if you’re a state resident who wants to marry someone who looks like you, you’d better stick to relatives.

 

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Rush Limbaugh is fighting back against his anti-woman reputation by touting his new “National Organization for Rush Babes.” Now, nothing against conservative women, but “Rush Babes?” What’s the requirement, a bust size larger than your IQ?

Comments: 3 Comments

Coming soon, the TSA strip club?

Posted May 8, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….

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If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.

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Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030,  42% of Americans will be obese.  And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S  beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?

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A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.

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SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”

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Not a good day for the Giants all around.  As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance.  Considering that his ERA is 5.06,  maybe Mota’s defense is that  with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.

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Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”

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Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. –

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(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)

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The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?

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The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.

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Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.

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A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.

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Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.

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This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.

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Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.

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John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”

Comments: 2 Comments

Morning after:

Posted May 7, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

May 5 was Cinco de Mayo. May 6 for many Americans was “I’m never drinking tequila again” day.

 

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Talk about the worst of times and the best of times: Baltimore DH Chris Davis went 0-8 at the plate today, then came in and pitched a scoreless 17th to get the win for the Orioles over the Boston Red Sox today.

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Albert Pujols finally got his first home run in the AL. The Angels hope they each don’t end up as expensive as Zito’s wins have been for the Giants.

 

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A former asst vice chancellor at UC Berkeley, has been fired after doubling the salary of her male subordinate,  17 years younger than she was, during their 15-month affair.    Well, I guess equality in the workplace does mean the opportunity for women to be as stupid as men.

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George Lindsey, who played Goober Pyle on “The Andy Griffith Show,” has died. Okay, wonder who in heaven is getting that talking dog ready.

 

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Men’s Health magazine has listed the “Smuttiest Cities in America,” based on the number of adult-entertainment stores and the rate of internet porn searches. And #1 is — Orlando. Well, guess dads have to do something after those long days at Disney World.

 

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Apparently the National Christmas Tree located on the White House lawn has died. Waiting for the first Republican to blame Obama. Or at least Bo.

(As my friend Ian says,  just proves what they’ve been saying, ” Obama hates Christmas.”)

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“Were Ronald Reagan in office today, some Republicans would start looking for a ‘real’ conservative to challenge him in a primary.” Another quote from a liberal, right? Well actually former GOP governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Chipper Jones, 40, is mad at Jamie Moyer, 49, for accusing him of stealing signs. I guess this episode is baseball’s version of “Grumpy Old Men.”

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Charles Barkley, referring to Mitt Romney “We’re going to beat you like a drum in Nov. Don’t take it personally. You seem like a nice guy, but you’re going down, bro.” Sir Charles may or may not be right, but it’s probably the first time anyone has referred to Mitt Romney as “bro.”

 

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Finally, Bill Littlejohn, on Jared Weaver breaking a tradition of not leaving your teammates during a possible no-hit bid by going to the bathroom in the eighth inning: “Thus, this becomes the first no-hitter ever pitched in relief.”

Comments: 6 Comments

Ran for the Roses.

Posted May 6, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

One of the points of Kentucky Derby day appears to be to drink enough mint juleps to make those hats look good.

 

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So maybe “I’ll Have Another” won’t win the Triple Crown.  But he also won’t get arrested, won’t give a stupid interview, and all his illegitimate children will at least be conceived deliberately.

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You cannot make this stuff up: On Cinco de Mayo, a Mexican jockey wins the Kentucky Derby in his first try – aboard “I’ll Have Another.”

 

 

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Mormons are different: Mitt Romney’s son Tagg and his wife just welcomed twins conceived through IVF and born to a surrogate. Well, they can afford it, and infertility is rough no matter what your wealth. But the boys are their 5th and 6th children….

 

A thought about Mitt Romney’s son Tagg’s two new twin boys, born by IVF and a surrogate. So what do pro-life folks do with the extra embryos?

 

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Two of the three hikers held in Iran after they accidentally hiked across the Iran-Iraq border are getting married. Hope they are registered for a GPS.

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Shaquille O’Neal received his doctorate in education today from Barry University in Florida. Putting him about 7 1/2 years of university ahead of most college stars today.

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“The Avengers” had the second highest opening day in history with a $80 million take Friday. When asked what they thought of the plot, millions of moviegoers responded “Plot?”

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Okay, for fans of useless baseball trivia. Madison Bumgarner, 22, got a hit and RBI today for the Giants, Jamie Moyer, 49, got a hit, and scored a run for the Rockies. Is this the biggest gap in age ever for two pitchers getting a hit on the same day?

 

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The Angels gave Albert Pujols the night off.   Meaning he contributed as much to their offense as he has on an average night this season.

 

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The original line in “My Old Kentucky Home” is “Tis summer, the darkies are gay.” Now it’s sung “Tis summer, the people are gay.” Amazed being Kentucky, that they haven’t changed it to “the people are happy.”

 

Some buzz on the internet about a man taking pictures as his wife was attacked by cheetahs in a petting pen in South Africa. (The women survived with relatively minor injuries.) But uh, “cheetahs” and “petting pen?” Those are two words that maybe should not be used in the same sentence.

 

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The most exciting two minutes in sports?

Posted May 5, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Today, the first Saturday in May,  is the Kentucky Derby.  For over a 100 years  known as the “Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.”

And the Derby still beats out contenders for that  title, like

“How long the Cubs’ playoff hopes last each year.”

“The length of most NBA players’ relationship with their baby-mamas.”

“The time it takes for David Ortiz to run from home to first.”

etc.  (other suggestions encouraged.)

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Lillian Musial died today at the age of 91.   She was married to Stan Musial for 71 years.  To put that in perspective,  that’s about 350 times the length of Kim Kardashian’s last marriage.

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Mariano Rivera, 42, says he will return to MLB from his ACL injury.   ” And why shouldn’t Mariano make it back?   Especiially since he’s such a young man”  -said Jamie Moyer.

The big news Friday from the PGA Wells Fargo Championship was that Tiger Woods has missed the cut this week. Golf fans should stand by for weekend television coverage of what Tiger is doing after missing the cut.

 

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The Saints are in trouble, the Secret Service is in trouble. Moral of the stories? Violence and sex are okay, as long as you don’t pay for them.

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John Edwards apparently referred to his mistress Rielle Hunter as “crazy.” Once again, the two sound perfect for each other.

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MCA of the Beastie Boys has passed away at the age of 47. It’s always way too young to die as a musician when people older than you have no clue about your music.

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Rick Perry says if Mitt Romney doesn’t win “God help us.” And God is thinking, wait a minute, I’m already working on helping Texas survive your being Governor.

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The Bill Buckner ball from the 1986 World Series just sold at auction for over $400,000. Have to wonder if the new buyer promptly dropped it?

Comments: 5 Comments

Love and marriage

Posted May 4, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn’t even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage.

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Chris Harrison, the host of TV’s “Bachelor/Bachelorette” has split from his wife of 19 years. Wow, if anyone is an expert on the grass not being greener…

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Chris Bosh was  uncertain for the Heat’s game 3 against the Knicks as his wife gave birth to a son early Thursday morning. Shocking. An NBA player had a baby with his WIFE?

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Michele Bachmann endorsed Mitt Romney on Thursday. Guess Michele’s trying to prove that even though she didn’t get the nomination, she’s still capable of making those tough decisions

Mariano Rivera has sustained a knee injury and could be out for the season. From all accounts he’s a nice guy. Still, “What bad luck, I’d hate to see that keep them out of the playoffs,” said no one who isn’t a Yankees fan.

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Snooki has called the “tanorexic” mother crazy for putting her five year old daughter in a tanning booth. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the carrot calling the pumpkin orange.

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A shareholder discovered that new Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson lied about having a bachelor’s degree in computer science. Wonder if he found the information on Google.

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The number of people seeking unemployment benefits fell last week by the most in nearly a year, which economists say is a hopeful sign that hiring could pick up in coming months. Think it’s time for another look at Obama’s birth certificate.

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Jeremy Lin said about his knee that “It doesn’t look good for game 4.”    Neither do the Knicks.

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Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, is now expecting an (unplanned) daughter with his current girlfriend. He says they plan to name her “”Breeze Beretta.” — Beretta “like the gun.” To quote Church Lady “Well, isn’t that special.”

(My friend Michael M. adds “One more of those and Levi could get a job in the NBA.”)

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Notre Dame QB Tommy Rees, 19, is in jail following his arrest for resisting police, felony battery to law enforcement, and public intoxication following a confrontation with police during a party last night. Insert “Fighting Irish” joke here:

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Just one of us.

Posted May 3, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Ann Romney wore a $1,000 blouse on television Thursday. Although the designer said it was an off-the-rack item and not one that was especially made for her. So can’t imagine how Ann is getting an increasingly out-of-touch reputation.

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Congrats to Jared Weaver of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on his no-hitter tonight. And he didn’t even get to pitch against Albert Pujols.-

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Magic Johnson says the Los Angeles Dodgers will reduce the price for general game parking from $15 to $10. Makes sense. $15 seemed a little steep for the 90 minutes or so between the third and seventh innings.

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Spirit Airlines has long charged for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. Now in November travelers who don’t pay that fee until they get to the gate to $100 PER bag. Well, the new policy may cut down on boarding time. If it doesn’t result in arrests for assaulting airline employees.-

 

Zito vs. Zambrano Tuesday night at A T & T Park.   Darn shame they couldn’t have  had the national anthem done by Z.Z.Top.

 

Newt Gingrich finally dropped out of the Presidential race. What is it about this man never knowing when to quit – unless a marriage is involved?

 

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Rick Perry said today that God forgives people for their “oops” moments. Makes sense, Perry might be one of God’s “oops” moments

 

Amar’e Stoudemire said it “wasn’t like I had a closed fist and just punched through the glass. I just walked by, wanted to make some noise, swung my arm, hit the fire extinguisher door….” So his defense is that he was dumber than he was angry?

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Oil Can Boyd says he used cocaine every day when he pitched for the Red Sox in 1986, a year he won 16 games in 1986 with a 3.78 ERA. Talk about things going better with Coke.

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The story last week on new Romney advisor Richard Grenell was that he had scrubbed hundreds of anti-women tweets. Today Grenell resigned, apparently over conservative ire that he was openly gay. So the message is clear: You can attack women all you want, as long as you sleep with them..

 

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On a serious note, while no one knows for sure what led to Junior Seau’s reported suicide, it does seem as if playing NFL football is increasingly bad for your physical and mental health. 

If the league is serious about protecting players, two suggestions: 1. Steroid suspensions have to be at least for a season. 2. Illegal hits that injure an opposing player should result in a suspension for the length of the injury, or the season. Otherwise the bounty punishments are just window dressing. IMHO. 

And R.I.P. Junior.

 

Comments: 2 Comments

Well hidden

Posted May 2, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Ann Romney says of Mitt that “There’s a wild and crazy man inside of there.” Right, and Hillary Clinton says there’s a monogamous man inside of Bill.

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Newt Gingrich said that it’s “clear Romney is the nominee and the focus should be on defeating Obama. We should not focus on defeating ourselves.” Surprised he didn’t add about the latter sentence “For my part, been there, done that.”

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Facebook has a new way to share your organ donation status with your friends, and link to state databases where you can sign up online. And if you use the app while driving, it may get you to donor status quicker.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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John McCain, when asked if President Obama’s surprise trip to Afghanistan was a political move, responded, “Well I think it’s a good thing, I think it’s always good when the pres. goes to where our young men and women are in harm’s way.” Well, that ought to be enough for some in the GOP to brand McCain as a RINO.

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Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have said their reality show “Khloe and Lamar” is going on “hiatus” while they take a “little time off for family time, kids, basketball, Olympics, you never know.” Millions of Americans responded, great move. Come back when you have grown grandchildren.

The Dow closed at a four year high today. And over at Romney headquarters someone is going “Quick, someone find out what other pet-type animal Obama ate when he was a child in Indonesia.”

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Albert Pujols’ homerless drought continues: I blame Obama.

All these May Day demonstrations come just days before Cinco de Mayo. If the Occupy and Labor folks really wanted to call positive attention to the day they’d hand out free margaritas.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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Regarding a top ten list for  next week,  I’m looking for non-original comments this time  – the most unintentionally funny line of the week.  Things like Joe Biden saying Obama has a “big stick”, or  Ann Romney saying her husband is a “wild and crazy guy.”    Just suggest lines in comments along with who said it.

Not quite a top 10 on new names for Metta World Peace.  To quote Gary Radnich, ‘nobody cares.”

But five good ones.

5. Anonymous:  Metta WWF Peace.

4.  Scott Ostler:  World Peace LOL

3. Mr. Irrevelant.

2. From PBen :  “Meh, World Peace.”

1. From Gary Bachman:  NucleArtest

Comments: 4 Comments

Mayday!

Posted May 1, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Amar’e Stoudemire apparently punched a glass fire extinguisher after the New York Knicks’ loss to Miami. He did as well against the glass as his team did against the Heat.

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Stoudemire’s self-inflicted cut hand probably means he’s done for the season. Now, New Yorkers are used to sports embarrassment this time of year. But usually the Mets are involved.

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Are they going to have to change all the signs on fire extinguishers at arenas across America? In case of loss, don’t break glass?

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What’s the difference between Albert Pujols and Amar’e Stoudemire this spring? Stoudemire has at least proved he can hit with power.

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The SF Giants are off to another start of great pitching and so-so hitting. But haven’t heard too much from those fans who wanted them to make a run at Albert Pujols.

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Today is the last day of April. Which means NBA fans can only look forward to two more months of playoffs.

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NBA fans still shaking their heads at the Grizzlies blowing a 27 point lead against the Clippers. What’s more amazing, a team played that badly down the stretch, and Lebron James wasn’t involved.

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Regarding all these May-Day protests, one of which will shut down some morning commuter ferries in the San Francisco area: Now, I’m generally supportive of workers over big corporations, but is it really the way to build support for your cause by making it more difficult for other working men and women to get to their jobs?
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The Charlotte Bobcats, whose 7-59 record was the first in NBA history, will not renew coach Paul Silas’ contract. But if the Bobcats really wanted to punish Silas, they would have had him coach a few more years.

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NBA commissioner David Stern was asked if he thinks all the major injuries this year, including Derrick Rose’s ACL tear, had anything to do with the lockout caused condensed schedule. “”I don’t think it’s related at all. Zero.” What’s next, Stern proclaiming players really don’t smoke pot or father out-oft-wedlock children either?

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Munich police arrested a man after he tried to pay for a taxi ride with marijuana because he was not carrying any cash. Silly guy, that only works in California.

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Kim Kardashian now apparently wants to become a comedy star. It’ s not enough for her that’s she’s already a punchline?
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A report says that the Tigers’ Delmon Young will be suspended by MLB for his alleged involvement in a New York fight and anti-Semitic remarks. Wonder if Young will use his free time to take in a few Mel Gibson movies?

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The GOP is accusing President Obama of exploiting the 1-year anniversary of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden for political purposes. Right, and if Seal Team Six had failed, I am sure Republicans would have never have mentioned it.

Comments: 2 Comments

House of Ill-Repute?

Posted April 29, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the Secret Service from visiting “non-reputable” establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter the House and Senate?

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Not saying Lindsay Lohan has aged but she looks too old for consideration as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.

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Newt Gingrich now says he will end his Presidential campaign Wednesday. Newt’s announcement had been planned for Tuesday but both his supporters couldn’t make it.

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Ah pitchers. The Rockies placed Jeremy Guthrie on the DL after he hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Was he trying to chew gum at the same time?

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Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom (Mr. Etch a Sketch) now says that President Obama’s auto bailout was Mitt’s idea. Right, because the way to get your bailout ideas out there is with an op-ed headline “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.”

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LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, who became a couple when they were both married to other people, renewed their vows for their first wedding anniversary. Wonder if it was meant as a renewal or a reminder?

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A Polish dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he showed up for an appointment after he dumped her. Were her parting words “Bite Me?”
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Yet another example of why President Obama will win the women’s vote: At Ft. Stewart: “For the gentlemen out there who are not yet married, let me just explain to you: Your goal is to improve your gene pool by marrying somebody who is superior to you.”

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How could anyone think Mitt Romney doesn’t get it….. At a small university in Ohio he told students “We’ve always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents..

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Comments: 3 Comments

Does Beer Improve With Age?

Posted April 28, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Snooki has said pregnancy has made her “a little more mature.” Well, hard to see how it could have made her a little less mature.

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At Coors Field in Denver Friday night,  Rockies 13, Mets 6, going to the bottom of the fifth. With a final score of 18 to 9.  Anyone send out a call for a humidor repairman?

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Coby Fleener to Indy to join his buddy Andrew Luck. Hope Colts fans are ready to sing along to “All Right Now.

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Joe Biden joked to the audience at a fundraising breakfast this morning that they were “dull as hell” and “the dullest audience i have ever spoken to.” Well, yeah, how dull do you have to be to find the idea of listening to Biden speak at breakfast interesting?

Well, at least Joe Biden didn’t say President Obama had a little stick.

 

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The California parents who are suing their son’s school for kicking him out of a honors English class for cheating claim it might keep him out of an Ivy League college. If not, the notoriety the family is getting might take care of that anyway.

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The Golden State Warriors won their coin toss with the Toronto Raptors. So they now have a 72.4% chance of making another bad choice with a lottery pick.

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A photo currently going around the internet purports to be a naked Kim Kardashian cooking eggs. Kim denies that the picture is actually her. Makes sense. Who’d imagine the woman can actually cook?

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A prankster made a fake call to Rutgers WR Mohamed Sanu saying he was taken in the first round by the Cincinnati Bengals. Not sure if crueler to make Sanu believer he was a 1st-rounder, or to have him believe he was going to be a Bengal.

(And then Cincinnati actually drafted him in the third round.  Poor kid.  Of course maybe it beats New Jersey.

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Dallas Cowboys first-round pick Morris Claiborne hads a reported score of 4 on the Wonderlic test, the lowest score in a decade. He said he “looked on the test and wasn’t nothing on the test that came with football, so I pretty much blew (it) off.” Well, with that kind of attitude he’ll fit in perfectly in Texas.

Added my friend Alex Kaseberg.”He scored so low (wait for it, wait for it) he was diagnosed with Mad Cowboy disease. Boooooooooon shang.”

 

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Rick Perry is now endorsing Mitt Romney. Well, makes some sense. Perry never actually said he had anything against vultures.
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Jackie Robinson would be appalled by Delmon Young.

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Ted Nugent said that he would be “dead or in jail” by this time next year if Obama were re-elected. Now he’s “insulted” because commanders at Fort Knox cancelled his appearance at a concert. Yo, Ted, in many countries around the world, make that kind of comments about a leader, and you WILL be dead or in jail.

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On the clock.

Posted April 26, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

The NFL is thinking about suspending the Pro Bowl. “That’s such a shame,” said absolutely nobody.

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Even though the NFL plans to suspend the Pro Bowl they intend to keep the balloting. So stars can get picked without actually really playing a game. Doesn’t sound much different than the status quo.

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In one of the most anticlimactic announcements of the year, Andrew Luck was the #1 draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts. Asked today what his favorite part of college was, Luck responded “Beating Cal!” Go Cardinal.

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The Ottawa Senators today became the last Canadian team eliminated from the NHL playoffs, thereby assuring that the 1992-93 Montreal Canadians remain the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup.

Canada in a two-decade hockey championship drought? This is like the U.S. having a two-decade drought in hot-dog eating.

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Watching NFL draft and wondering how many of these guys will be taking a pay cut next year?

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In Redwood City, California, the Daily News reports a 10th grader’s parents are suing the school district for kicking him out of an honors class for copying another kid’s homework They say his “due process rights were violated” because the school’s rules are “vague and contradictory.” Can’t imagine how the kid got that sense of entitlement.

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Newly-acquired and highly-touted New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda is out for the year. The Yankees are reacting the same way many wealthy New York women might react to a broken Christian Louboutin heel – “Well that s*cks, but time to go shopping.”

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Amongst other craziness tonight the Washington Generals, er, Wizards, beat the “Big Three”-less Heat by 34. And the Sacramento Kings beat the Kobe-less Lakers by 17. Proving again that the NBA should have offered these last games of the year at pre-season prices. Or lower.

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Boy Scout officials in Ohio have removed a popular Tiger Scouts (1st graders) den mother because she is a lesbian. Parents are protesting. And really, if these idiots are that worried about abuse, wouldn’t a lesbian be the safest leader around small boys?

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Not sure if the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff’s struggles on the field contributed to his going on the DL with an anxiety disorder. But on the bright side Huff has one more home run in 2012 than Aubert Pujols.

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Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is warning of a barrage of anti-Romney ads, saying ” Obama didn’t have to run a primary so he’s sitting on a stack of money so tall that a show dog couldn’t jump over it,” Well, especially a show dog who’s been cramped in a crate on a car roof so his legs are out of shape….

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Newt Gingrich said today that his “campaign will go bye-bye.” The man is 68 years old and he says “Bye-bye?” Who does he think he is talking to, one of his soon to be ex-wives?

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Bobby Valentine apparently started out with the wrong lineup for a game against the Twins, because he misread an iPhone app and thought a right-handed pitcher was a lefty. Sigh. There may not be beer in the Red Sox clubhouse, but sounds like Boston will be selling plenty in the stands.

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A dispute between rival hot dog vendors in downtown Albuquerque resulted in one vendor running over another with his cart. Insert “size of weiners” joke here.

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Comments: 1 Comment

Expect the unexpected.

Posted April 26, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Okay, about a month into the season who had the San Francisco Giants’ best starter being…. Barry Zito? Now okay, all you liars put your hands down.

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President Obama says that Mitt Romney isn’t going to be able to suddenly say, ‘Everything I’ve said for the last six months, I didn’t mean.’ And Mitt is thinking “Wanna bet?”

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Burger King, trying to differentiate themselves from their competitors, has vowed to use only cage-free chicken and pork in their food by 2017. Maybe they’d get more business if they promised to use those cages in their restaurants on some children.

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Folks in Arkansas are still pretty upset about the Bobby Petrino scandal. I mean, what was their coach doing in a car kissing a pretty young thing? And she wasn’t even his relative.

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And we wonder how lawyers get a bad reputation. In 2007 the Cosco Busan ship dumped over 50,000 gallons of oil into SF Bay after hitting the Bay Bridge. Attorneys for the owners are suing the Long’s (now CVS) pharmacy since they say it is partially their fault for giving the pilot his prescription medications.

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The Supreme Court seems sympathetic to Arizona’s immigration law. “What does government mean if it doesn’t allow states to defend its borders,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. Hmm, does that mean California can defend ourselves against those who don’t like, for example, our medical marijuana laws?

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The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. The perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/collections/all

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Thanks to Marc Ragovin for this insight, “how ironic that a black man sent Tim Thomas packing.”

And really, coincidence, or karma being one smart b*tch? Boston Bruins star goalie Tim Thomas turned down a visit to the White House for what he said were political reasons. And the Washington Capitals’ Joel Ward, one of the few black players in the NHL,  scored the series winning goal.

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Get out your hankies – Ann Romney in 1994, about her college years with Mitt:. “We were happy, studying hard. Neither one of us had a job, because Mitt had enough of an investment from stock that we could sell off a little at a time.” We “walked to class together, shared housekeeping, had a lot of pasta and tuna fish and learned hard lessons.”

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Mississippi’s Governor said today that Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children.” Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage?

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Back to sports: My latest little Top Ten readers list. (Since ESPN.com is still evaluating whether they want to bring the list back.) Looking for suggestions, now that he’s been suspended for that violent hit, and has some time on his hand, what’s your suggestion for a good new name for Metta World Peace?

Will post my favorites next Monday night.

Comments: 4 Comments

Follow the money.

Posted April 25, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Mitt Romney’ s website states “We have a moral responsibility, not to spend more than we take in.” Although Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he’s following that old W. axiom “money spent on wars doesn’t count.”

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The Golden State Warriors, who lose their draft pick to Utah if it’s not a lottery pick, are on the cusp of winning just enough games to probably finish out of that lottery. On the other hand, at least Warriors fans won’t be disappointed again by a another lousy pick.

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A case of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in California. Let’s hear it again from Mitt Romney how he wants to cut the FDA food inspection budget by 5-20 percent.

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That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants – World Peace is available!
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Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking “Dude, give it up already.

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No one quite knows why Newt Gingrich finally is saying he might drop out of the Presidential race. Maybe someone said he was wedded to the idea of running?

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Starbucks is going to open store at Disney theme parks in California and Florida. Makes sense. These are some of the few places in the world where their coffee will look like a bargain by comparison.

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The BCS is looking at a plan to have a 4 team playoff, with the big BCS bowl games played around January 1. New Year’s Day bowl games?! What a radical concept!

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A new survey of over 1,000 passengers claims the most popular seat on an average flight in economy class is 6a. Clearly “the furthest seat possible away from a screaming infant” was not an option.

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President Obama today to Jimmy Fallon about the Secret Service scandal “”What these guys were thinking, I don’t know.” Uh, Mr. President, that’s the point. They weren’t thinking. At least with their upper brains.

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How old is Jamie Moyer?

Posted April 24, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , ,

As promised, or threatened, as the ageless wonder goes to break his own record Tuesday for the oldest pitcher ever to win a MLB game, here are a top 10 of “How old is Jamie Moyer?”

10. from my son Carey, no nepotism here… Jamie Moyer is so old than Cy Young once won a Jamie Moyer award.

9. Jamie is so old, instead of a bobblehead, the Rockies will honor him this season by offering the first 20,000 fans in attendance a pair of Moyer reading glasses.

8. Gary M. Jamie Moyer is so old that when asked what’s been the toughest obstacle he’s faced in his long career, Moyer answered, “Prohibition.

7. Dana H. Jamie Moyer is so old, when asked if he twitters he replies that he has no desire to sound like a bird.

6. Jamie Moyer is so old, the Rockies are afraid he’ll quit mid-season to spend more time with his grandchildren.

5. Chris C. He’s the first pitcher to have his pitches timed by radar gun, stop watch and someone counting Mississippi’s.

4. Jamie Moyer is so old, writing jokes about him is like shooting fish in a barrel, with a musket.

3. The spacebug. Prior to the invention of grocery stores, Jamie Moyer learned to pitch by throwing rocks at squirrels for supper.

2. Marc R. Jamie Moyer is so old, that as he labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inning. Literally.”

1. Gary M. Jamie Moyer is so old, his first uniform number was “L.”

Comments: 1 Comment

Two Americas. Or at least two lives.

Posted April 23, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Just how low has John Edwards’ reputation fallen? At this point both Democrats and Republicans expect that if he is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, Edwards will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower.

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Infielder Reggie Williams was released by the Twins this April. He’s since tweeted “Why are there so many gay people these days?” and ranted about seeing “the bold act of gayness in public.” Think it’s a safe bet this is one dude who won’t be offered a contract by the San Francisco Giants.

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Commie-pinko quote of the week: “Here you are during a time of the great crisis for this nation…and you say, this is all this great country can offer up? I think boldness is thrown right out the window. I think courage is not on display. I think most Americans are pretty fed up.” The radical speaker? Jon Huntsman. Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School.

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The John Edwards trial starts tomorrow, focused on campaign money he spent on behalf or and/or to cover his adulterous relationship with Rielle Hunter. Who did Edwards think he was? A potential President or an SEC football coach?

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Truly scary thought, had John Kerry won in 2004, could have been our Vice President. With a leg up on the Presidency. So to speak.

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is talked about as a likely V.P. pick for Mitt Romney, except that some perceive him to have flip-flopped on the abortion issue. Well, actually this should make him a perfect fit for Mitt.

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A California man and his family barely escaped without life-threatening injuries when a propane tank in their pickup truck exploded while they were in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru. So for at least one day the most dangerous thing at McDonald’s wasn’t the food.

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Got to love this ESPN headline: “Metta World Peace ejected for violent hit.”

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And hey, if the expected suspension for that hit happens, yep, we’re all going to have to survive without World Peace.

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Last weekend the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, looking towards the playoffs, said “We don’t want to be at our best right now.” Yesterday Wade dislocated a finger and is out indefinitely. Maybe God is a fan of the NBA regular season.

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Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, ““I don’t have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job…the best job (they) can.” Mitt Romney now “There will be an effort, by the quote, vast left-wing conspiracy, to work together to put out their message and attack me.” Good to know Mitt’s as consistent about the media as he is about most things.

Comments: 3 Comments

Fenway Fiasco

Posted April 22, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Who knew – on the 100th anniversary weekend of Fenway Park, Boston Red Sox relievers would throw a “Put It On a Tee” Party.

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Or maybe they were commemorating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

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For those who didn’t hear, the Red Sox on Saturday had a 9-0 lead, and the bullpen blew it in less than two innings.

Wonder if manager Bobby Valentine put out an emergency order for a keg?

And anyone watching Sunday night’s “ESPN Game of the Week” will have fun watching Terry Francona try to keep that smirk off his face.

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A new unauthorized biography of Simon Cowell reveals, amongst other things, that the former American Idol judge has had Botox injections. Really, next thing they’ll be trying to tell us is that Cowell is a bit conceited.

(my sister’s comment, you have to admit his breasts look pretty good for a 51 year old.)

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The latest news on the Secret Service Scandal is that Colombian authorities are investigating whether some of the prostitutes involved were underage. Forget morals, looks like some of these guys are too stupid to be in the Secret Service.

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President Obama has now apparently been briefed on the Secret Service scandal. Bill Clinton has offered to help lead the investigation.

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Nebraska CB Alfonzo Dennard, expected to be a 2nd-3rd round NFL pick, was involved in a bar fight and arrested for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. Police say it took four officers to take him into custody. Four officers? Maybe some team should draft him as a kick returner.

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Chuck Colson, Nixon’s “evil genius,” who went to prison for his role in the Watergate conspiracy, has died. In 2000, Gov. Jeb Bush restored Colson’s civil rights so he could vote, sit on a jury, run for office and practice law. And called him “a great guy … a great Floridian.” Just imagine the GOP and/or Fox News if a similar sort of pardon had come from Obama.

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Trivia for the day: Phil Humber, who just pitched a perfect game for the White Sox, was the winning pitcher for Rice against Stanford in the 2003 College World Series title game.

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Still looking for “How old is Jamie Moyer?” jokes…. will post on Monday.

Comments: 2 Comments

Semantic Saturday

Posted April 21, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Mass. Senator Scott Brown said he’s given up alcohol until the election, and hasn’t had anything to drink since Jan. 1. But last week he was sampling beer with a reporter at a small brewery. Guess it depends what the definition of drink is.

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One of the Secret Service agents who has resigned in the recent prostitute scandal formerly supervised the agency’s canine training unit near D.C. Well, it takes a dog to know a dog.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun inside the museum today. Was he dreaming of being a New York Jet?

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Sarah Palin is upset because a Secret Service man said he was “checking her out.” Another thing that wouldn’t have happened under Bill Clinton. Then checking out women was the President’s job.

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Well, if nothing else we’ve learned one thing this week – it’s time for the Secret Service to increase their recruitment of women.

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GOP Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels said this week that Mitt Romney’s White House campaign was too negative, saying “You have to campaign to govern, not just to win.” Showing again why Daniels was about as likely as Jon Huntsman to make to through a Republican primary.

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Regarding the mini-controversy about the Secret Secret agent who was “checking out” Sarah Palin – have to think the McCain campaign wishes they had checked her out a little more before putting her on the ticket,

An Oxnard, California teacher who was fired for her work as a porn actress has hired a lawyer to fight her dismissal. Hundreds of fathers rushed to her defense, saying “We need to see more evidence.”

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NCAA president Mark Emmert, finding the positive in the scandals that have resulted in the firing of so many big-time coaches. . “You’re seeing boards of directors, of trustees, presidents and ADs saying ‘You know you’ve done a great job here. We love you. We pay you really well. You get all this adoration. You’ve got to live by the rules.'” Or at least not get caught.

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And really, regarding Bobby Petrino, was he really fired for being a douchebag who cheated on his wife and pulled strings to hire his underqualifed 25 year old mistress? Or was he fired in the end for being a lousy motorcycle rider?

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Parents are apparently suing Apple because kids who have their folks’ passwords are racking up big bills buying game add-ons while playing ostensibly free iPhone games. Uh, wouldn’t it be simpler not to give your child your password in the first place?

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US Airways is moving closer to a merger with American Airlines. In hopes of actually proving that two wrongs can make a right.

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Fenway Park is 100 years old today. Wow. When it opened those “Cubs World Champions” shirts had barely faded at all.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A ten-year old boy at an Indianapolis Olive Garden was accidentally served a fruit daiquiri with rum instead of the smoothie he had ordered. Shocking, there’s an Olive Garden that actually puts rum in their fruit daiquiris?

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Dwight Howard will have season-ending surgery. Which means for the Magic he will now definitely be about as much of a factor as they expected in the playoffs.

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And Howard allegedly said before his injury that he would never play again for coach Van Gundy. Maybe God thought “that can be arranged.”

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Still looking for some top ten “How old is Jamie Moyer” suggestions.

The ageless one is pitching Monday. So technically shouldn’t every time Moyer pitches be “Turn back the Clock” night?

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