Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
October 8, 2012
In Florida, the 32 year-old winner of a roach-eating contest died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms.. Darwin would be so proud. (And what’s scarier than eating roaches? The fact that this guy was a swing-state voter.)
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Could it get any worse for the NY Jets? Well, tonight there was this tweet ““Hey JETS!!!” I’m available! I’m ready, willing & able!” The tweet, no joke, was from Terrell Owens.
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Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, “In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts.” Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy.
Nice job tonight, Baltimore Orioles. Good to see that it is still possible to wear Orange and Black on a baseball diamond and score runs.
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TBS announcers actually bragging that for “the first time, MLB network has the playoffs.” Really? Am surprised they don’t tell folks who can’t afford the network and have to follow the games onlne or on radio to eat cake while they’re at it.
(Of course, let’s be fair, if Roger Goodell could put the Super Bowl on pay-per-view, he would.)
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A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that’s not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for.
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Mitt Romney said today in a speech that the U.S. needs to be “more assertive” in the Mideast. Apparently we haven’t started enough wars and spent enough trillions yet.
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Monday should have been one of Mitt Romney’s favorite holidays: In many ways Christopher Columbus was the first to really profit from offshoring.
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In Berkeley, Monday was “Indigenous People’s Day.” Although these days the California schools are in such bad shape the harder goal may not be learning history but to get kids to be able to spell “Indigenous.”
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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select reporters and other media representatives.
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A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader will avoid jail in a plea deal where she admitted having sex with a 17-year-old who was her student at a Northern Kentucky high school. Many were outraged by the deal, especially other boys who wanted her sentenced to teach at THEIR school.
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Another thought about last night’s game at A T and T Park. Was T.S. Eliot really an SF Giants fan before his time “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”
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Maria Shriver is reportedly wearing her wedding ring again, despite Arnold’s new autobiography detailing several affairs and lies. Maybe Schwarzenegger has convinced her that he really is a true Kennedy.
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Gary M. starts this last one off: “After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have split up. He’s 67, she’s 64…divorcing in their 60′s seems a bit short-sighted.”
TC adds “That joke went over my head.”
Have at it folks, this could go on for a while. The whole thing could be a little much.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, playoffs jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 8, 2012
On days like Sunday – four MLB playoff games and a full slate of NFL games, plus college football recaps and a new AP poll… Facebook becomes like a giant sports bar with fans across the country.
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GREAT Tigers-As game. How great that all of America got to see these two under-the-radar teams. Oh, wait, never mind, the game was on MLB Network, so they didn’t. Thanks for nothing, Bud Selig.
NY Giants WR Victor Cruz has made a new campaign video supporting President Obama. Uh, is this a good idea on the same weekend the Giants soundly beat a team from the swing state of Ohio?
I fully expect to wake up tomorrow morning and see the SF Giants’ offense pictured on a milk carton.
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At one point my friend Lindol pointed out that the Giants’ best chance would be for Dusty Baker to take Bronson Arroyo out and hand him the game ball.
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At least the Giants’ Guillermo Mota is proving to the world without a doubt that he is no longer using Performance Enhancing Drugs.
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Meanwhile, for gloating Los Angeles fans looking ahead to next year, Matt Kemp’s surgery did not go as well as expected and the Dodgers star may not be ready at the start of the 2013 season. “Bummer,” said SF Giants fans, with all the sincerity of a politician a month before the election.
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3 of 4 top teams in AP poll are now from SEC. Setting things up perfectly for Alabama to play the winner of South Carolina-Florida in the conference championship, and again in the national title game.
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Another variation on the first grouchy thought: SF Giants looked flatter than armadillos on Texas highways.
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Very nice day for Stanford in the big leagues – first Andrew Luck, now Drew Storen gets the save for the Nationals! Go Cardinal!
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Baltimore-New York had a long rain delay Sunday. Maybe even God is p*ssed about all this schedule juggling for the Yankees 🙂
Jim Tracy resigned as Colorado Rockies manager today, leaving his $1.4 million salary on the table. Putting an exclamation point on the phrase “You can’t pay me enough to deal with this crap.”
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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select network and other media folks.
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And on a serious sports note, congratulations to Drew Brees for breaking Johnny Unitas’s record with 48 straight games with a touchdown pass. Yes, it’s a different game, and Unitas called his own plays and the rules favor the offense now.
On the other hand, the media is a different game too, 24/7 and Brees has been one of the relatively few NFL superstars to conduct his life in a way where he still has a seriously class act reputation.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, MLB jokes, MLB playoff jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
October 7, 2012
Oakland A’s vs. Detroit Tigers Sunday morning, playing a noon game, are ONLY on MLB Network. Part of Bud Selig’s plan to make sure football stays our real national pastime?
(No doubt hardcore baseball fans should be able to find some free station showing Yankees highlights.)
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Bad weekend for the tomahawk chop. “Bummer,” said no one outside Atlanta and Tallahassee.
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Bummer for the BCS. Going to be tougher than they expected to schedule that Alabama LSU rematch for the National Championship this year.
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The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson have broken off their engagement. “Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” said absolutely nobody.
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Several Sandusky jurors were interviewed and said the former Penn State assistant coach should receive a life sentence. The others presumably just wish the death penalty were available.
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“The Price is Right” has signed their first male model. “About time” said millions of women. “What the heck is the ‘Price is Right’?” said millions of men.
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Weird baseball trivia for Saturday night. The Cincinnati Reds made it through 2012 without a starting pitcher being injured – and Johnny Cueto didn’t make it out of the first.
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A suspicious package sent to Bristol Palin at CBS Studios caused some consternation on the DWTS set. Wonder what was so suspicious about it. Did someone send her a book?
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More bad news for Mitt Romney. Sesame Street’s “The Count” called. He wants to see those budget figures.
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The SF Giants had Alex Smith throwing out the first pitch for the first game of the playoffs. Maybe it’s as well that the Os eliminated the Rangers. With Romo throwing someone could get hurt.
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Jim Lehrer says he was a “effective” debate moderator last Wednesday night.. By that standard Tony Romo was an “effective” quarterback last Monday night.
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As the infield fly umpiring debacle from last night’s Cardinals-Braves game remains front page sports news – the happiest person in America has got to be Roger Goodell.
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This just in – Mitt Romney both agrees and disagrees with last night’s infield fly call.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: chop jokes, college football jokes, playoff jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 5, 2012
MLB Rule 2.00 is the infield fly rule. (which is currently posted on the Atlanta Braves website…. without comment.)
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The rule states that an infield fly is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort. To give the umpires some benefit of the doubt, with all the errors Atlanta made tonight, they might have been confused about this “ordinary effort” stuff.
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Women baseball fans are still especially stunned by that so-called infield fly tonight in Atlanta that ended up well into the outfield – normally when men misjudge length they don’t err on the low side.
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Chipper Jones has to be thinking, for his last MLB game, maybe he should have loaned the umps his reading glasses?
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Even the replacement refs who saw that play are saying – “What were they thinking?
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This just in, Al Gore blamed that infield fly call in the Cardinals-Braves game on the altitude.
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Dear Gawd, and Bud Selig thought the worst thing that could happen with this ridiculous one-game playoff idea is that the NY Yankees might end up out of the post-season by the weekend.
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If there’s a karmic silver lining in tonight’s Cardinals-Braves game, is Don Denkinger finally off the hook?
(for non-baseball fans, Don Denkinger was the umpire whose blown call at first base cost the St. Louis Cardinals the World Series against the Kansas City Royals in 1985.)
Listening to an aging Jack Welch rant today that the unemployment numbers “don’t smell right.” Uh, a potential one word answer on that smell issue – “Depends?”
Another post-debate thought. If Mitt Romney is determined to cut PBS why didn’t he reference a perceived elitist show like “Masterpiece Theater,” instead of “Big Bird,” – one of the most beloved characters on one of the beloved shows in America?
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Ohio State backup QB Cardale Jones tweeted today “Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL classes are POINTLESS.” And SEC players responded “What are classes?”
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Jim Lehrer said today that the “The likelihood of my doing another debate in 2016 is, on a scale of one to 10, a minus one.” Hillary Clinton is bummed, she was counting on Lehrer making her look young and vigorous.
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The jobless rate fell to below 8% today. Which the GOP immediately said was bad news for job seekers – specifically Romney and Ryan.
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Amazing that some conservatives who think Obama is the most incompetent President ever still think he has the power to orchestrate a massive conspiracy on the unemployment rate.
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From T.C. “I just flew home on American Airlines and sat in rows 15, 14, 11 & 8.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, infield fly jokes, playoff jokes, Sesame Street jokes, umpire jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 4, 2012
President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”
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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.
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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.
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Or did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”
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From my good friend, Michele Eggars, who doesn’t share my political views – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.
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And from Marc Ragovin: “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”
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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?
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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.
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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.
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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”
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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?
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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.
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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”
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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….
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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”
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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Bird jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 3, 2012
Now that the debate is over we can get back to the issues that America really cares about, like what really happened in that “American Idol” Mariah Carey – Nicki Minaj catfight?
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For many Americans, tonight’s debate was like a Nascar race, they only tuned in to see the potential wrecks.
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In swing states, tonight’s Presidential debate might be the only television show until November that’s not interrupted by political commercials.
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Watching this debate one thing is clear, do we really want an America where people like Jim Lehrer, 78, have to make complicated and tough decisions about their own healthcare?
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Mitt Romney said Wednesday night – “I like coal.” But does he love lamp?
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Anyone else but me would have liked to see a debate tonight between Romney 2012 and that guy who was Governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007?
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Okay, message from Mitt Romney to those of us who are 50 something. If you are not healthy you are f*cked.
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For those who wanted to watch the debate but didn’t want to miss a baseball game with postseason implications, would like to thank the Boston Red Sox for doing their best to make this entire week irrelevant. Don’t let the door hit you in the back, Bobby.
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Forget this Presidential debate stuff….what’s the controversy with AL MVP? Trout for Rookie of the Year no doubt, but when compared to a TRIPLE CROWN winner whose team won their division? Fox and MSNBC should both agree on this one.
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The Texas Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad.
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According to a CBS Sports story, the Red Sox will fire manager Bobby Valentine this week. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.
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American Airlines is advertising a new sale, with the tagline ” Take off to cities across the U.S.” Uh, at this point travelers on American aren’t so worried about the take off, they’re worried about how and where they land.
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Big news today for baseball fans: Teddy Roosevelt actually won the Presidents Race at Nationals Park today. What? Did they shut the other presidents down early?
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Got to love it, heard some NY Jets fan claiming the team will never score if they switch to Tim Tebow at QB. As opposed to last week?
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The Mets R.A. Dickey now admits he pitched the entire season with a torn abdominal muscle. Wonder how many mediocre pitchers are thinking about going out and tearing their own muscles.
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Last thought for the night: As the Red Sox stagger into the offseason, have to wonder, what if beer and fried chicken were actually PEDs?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, debate jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 2, 2012
19 years ago today, the SF Giants needed to win their 104th game of the year against the LA Dodgers to reach the postseason. Whatever you say about Barry Zito, he’s no Salomon Torres.
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Bummer ending for Dodgers fans. That may be the last time many of them stick around for the ninth inning.
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Of the teams with the seven highest payrolls in MLB, not counting the Dodgers after their big trade, four of them didn’t make the playoffs this year. (Yes, Phillies, Red Sox, Angels and Marlins, I’m talking about you.)
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Bristol Palin is on DWTS again? She wasn’t even a star the first time. Guess she really wants to show young girls that becoming a teen mom can ruin your life.
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A video of Paul Ryan in 2011 has him saying “70% of Americans want the American Dream. Only 30 % want the welfare state.” Does that mean Mitt figures 17% of Americans got lazier in the past year?
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NY GM Brian Cashman said he would like the team to win its 28 World Series as one last gift to his late father, who was a big fan and passed away in September. “How sweet” said children of Yankee fans. “Oh STFU,” said children of Cubs fans.
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MLB has said it could be FRIDAY until game times for Saturday are announced. Basically so they can assure that NY will be in primetime. Yankees suck!
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Mitt Romney said today he would honor the temporary visas President Obama granted to some illegal immigrants. Some conservatives were up in arms, others just laughed and decided to wait for next week.
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Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said today last night’s loss “I couldn’t be more disappointed.” And Cowboys fans said “Well, unless you paid your hard-earned money for tickets to that debacle.”
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New Orleans Hornets basketball player Lance Thomas says he doesn’t think he violated any NCAA rules when he bought almost $100,000 in diamond jewelry during his Duke college career. What’s his defense? “It was Duke, didn’t everybody?”
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Ohio State and TCU have signed up to play a “home and home” football series in 2018-19. Of course the way the Big Ten has been playing lately, maybe it’s TCU who considers the Buckeyes “the Little Sisters of the Poor.”
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Rough week for American Airlines, now with a flight from Chicago to London needing to divert to Shannon because of a “smoky odor” coming from an overheated fan. Stand by for the merged United-Continental Airlines’ new motto – “We suck less.”
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A fire damaged a home in Berkeley, CA and resulted in an entire block losing power after a seagull flew into a power line. Wonder how long it will take residents to protest having power lines where birds can fly into them.
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From Marc Ragovin: The Bikini Basketball League is gearing up for its inaugural season. Fans will be rooting for strings of wins, and losses of strings.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Airlines jokes, Cowboys jokes, Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 1, 2012
Heard Tony Romo threw a tantrum after the Monday Night Football game. The tantrum was picked off by the Bears and returned for a touchdown.
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Who did Romo think he was Monday night? Brett Favre?
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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB.
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A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”
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Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday: President Barack Obama’s “done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt’s first time on this kind of a stage.” Does that mean even Ryan couldn’t bear to watch the GOP Primary debates?
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This line noticed by the SF Chronicle’s Debra J. Saunders in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography: “Maria and I are very different in that way. She grew up in a world where a sharp line was drawn between friends and the help. With me, there is almost no line.”
You can say that again.
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Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the “wtf” nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions.
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Kobe Bryant, 34, said today he got a question earlier about whose team the Lakers are: “I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team”. Wonder if Tiger Woods, 36, would have said it was HIS Ryder Cup team.
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American Airlines says a Boston-to-Miami flight needed to make an emergency landing at JFK airport over the weekend when a row of seats became loose. Standby later this week for the new “seat bolt” fee.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is still saying that Mark Sanchez at QB “gives us our best opportunity to win.” If true his comments should be great for ticket sales – for the Knicks.
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The 2013 Oscars ceremony will be hosted by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. By making this choice five months in advance the Academy is giving themselves plenty of time to pre-write those “Sorry you were offended” emails and letters.
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Mitt Romney is hard at work preparing for Wednesday’s debates. His latest challenge, how to blame the U.S. Ryder Cup challenge on Obama.
(Jim Barach says “Blame it on Furyk’s caddy Fluff for not knowing how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.”)
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The Yankees now have a one-game lead in the NL East, but the way the new playoff system is set up, if the Baltimore Orioles somehow win the East, the NY Yankees, as a wildcard, could be out of the postseason by Friday. Bud Selig is trying to see how quickly he might be able to change the rules.
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Although tonight it was 9-0 Yankees-Red Sox in the third. Boston isn’t just mailing it in, they’re FedExing it in.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Romo jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
September 30, 2012
U.S. collapsed so fast in the Ryder Cup today have to wonder if beer and fried chicken were involved.
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The Ryder Cup was played at Medinah Country Club, a suburb of Chicago. Which means the least surprised fans were Cubs fans. They know nothing good happens in town in September.
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Tiger Woods was point-less through Saturday’s matches in the Ryder Cup. Wow. Last time Tiger went that long without scoring, Elin and a tree were involved.
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Ann Romney says if Mitt is elected her biggest concern “obviously would just be for his mental well-being.” Well, gosh, good thing he’s not going for a high-stress kind of job.
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Baylor 63, West Virginia 70 on Saturday. So who started the college basketball season and didn’t tell us?
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Well, Tim Tebow isn’t the starting QB yet. But after a 34 to 0 loss to the SF 49ers no doubt the NY Jets had a stadium full of people screaming “Jesus Christ!”
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The 49ers were so dominant Jim Harbaugh didn’t even need replacement refs to give him unlimited challenges.
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From the very funny Alex Kaseberg: Meanwhile, the former NFL substitute refs continue to make horrible decisions; last night one of them went to Red Lobster and ordered sushi.
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A Mormon woman’s email has gone viral asking people to fast and pray for Mitt Romney in the debates. Well, not sure if this would help Mitt on Wednesday, but it can’t hurt our country’s obesity issues.
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Paul Ryan this morning, after being asked for details of their tax plan: “well, I don’t have the time. It would take me too long to go through all of the math.” Is this campaign speak for “You can’t handle the truth?”
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Both campaigns are working so hard to praise their opponents’ abilities and downplay their own chances, it’s hard to tell if we’re having a Presidential debate Wednesday or a playoff game.
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Mitt Romney is apparently practicing “zingers.” Just what we need. A stand up comic in chief?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Jets jokes, Ryder Cup jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 29, 2012
CNN Headline today “Apple seems to have gotten a little bit lost.” Uh, that’s probably because they used their own Maps app.
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Keegan Bradley and Phil Mickelson won a Ryder Cup match with a record tying 7 and 6 victory over Lee Westwood and Luke Donald. Prompting many Americans who heard the news to chant “USA, USA, USA – uh, I have no idea what a 7 and 6 victory means.”
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In a statement today, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said that “fans deserve better.” Tell us about it, said Cleveland Browns fans.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger said his estranged wife hasn’t read his tell-all book, but added “I think that Maria is, you know, wishing me well in everything I do.” Well, maybe UNTIL she reads the book.
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How many people heard “Fox airs suicide live” and thought they were showing another Mitt Romney 47% speech?
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TLC plans 3 new episodes of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Great news for tv viewers who find “Keeping up w/ the Kardashians” too intellectual.
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Karl Rove said this week of the Presidential campaign. “There are 11 different ways to win without Ohio.” True, and about 100 ways to lose.
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Ben Affleck interviewed about his 7 year marriage to Jennifer Garner: “For a successful marriage, one, a man needs to know who the boss is, and two, he needs to know it’s not him.”
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Bud Light has new “Limited Edition NFL Kickoff” cans. If you save one and display it on your mantle, you might be a Redneck.
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The head coach of a Tustin, California children’s Peewee (10-11 year olds) football team has been suspended, along with the league president, after players allegedly were offered $50 in cash to knock opponents out of games. Shocking. What ever happened to rewards like doughnuts and Slurpees?.
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Congrats to Homer Bailey on his no-hitter tonight. But the way the Pirates are playing should the game have an asterisk?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, election jokes, honey boo boo jokes, Mitt Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 28, 2012
Many customers are so unhappy with Apple’s new Maps application that they want to storm the company headquarters. Fortunately for Apple, if they use the new App they’ll never find it.
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You can tell many in the sports world have moved on when ESPN radio guys muse without a trace of irony today about Michael Vick being on a short leash.
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Give the Ryder Cup credit, who’d a thunk you’d ever hear a “USA USA” chant on a golf course?
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Rex Ryan now admits he mistook Alex Smith for Aaron Rodgers at this year’s NFL awards. Didn’t know Smith and Rodgers had the same shoe size.
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And who ever thought before this lockout that anyone would ever see this headline? “Fans greet NFL refs with standing ovation.”
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United Airlines beverage napkin: “Planes change. Values don’t’. Your priorities will always be ours.”. Even Romney and Obama on the campaign trail are crying bullsh*t.
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Sign of how far civilization has come – Direct TV on planes. Sign that the Mayans may have been rIght – one offering is “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”
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Wonder why the Cleveland Indians fired manager Manny Acta with only six games left in the season? Guess they wanted him to suffer this year as much as the fans did.
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The NBA says they will institute procedures to reduce “flopping.” Instead of fouls during the game, however, the league office will probably do postgame reviews, and fine the offenders. Will they refer to the new rule as the “Ginobili tax?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 26, 2012
The NFL and their referees just came to an agreement to end the lockout. What a disappointment for fans of lousy teams who will now have to find another excuse.
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From my friend Joe Salvatore, a lesson learned from the lockout: Always remember: It is OK to use Scab High School and D-3 refs for your games that could cost someone their job or even their health ….but it is a $15,000 fine to wear a MLB cap in your post-game Press Conference!
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Bobby Valentine says he thinks he’s coming back in 2013 as manager of the Red Sox. Sounds like Bobby’s as in touch with reality as he’s been all season.
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A woman is suing Southwest because she says she was severely burned by a cup of hot tea the airline served her onboard. This would never happen at United Airlines. Their tea, and coffee, are always lukewarm.
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Oops. Florida State Rep. Mike Horner of Kissimmee, “a rising star in state GOP circles” according to the Orlando Sentinel, abruptly ended his re-election campaign this week when his name surfaced on the client list of an Orlando brothel. Well, at least the scandal involved adult women.
(And not moralizing here, but jeez, you think the guy would at least be smart enough to go out of town to find his hookers. For those who haven’t been to Florida, Kissimmee is an Orlando suburb, near Disney World.)
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Both Monica Lewinsky and Ross Perot are writing memoirs. About 15-20 years after most people would actually care.
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A recent ABC News/Washington Post poll says 61% of Americans have a negative opinion of Mitt Romney’s handling of his campaign. Assume the other 39% percent are Democrats.
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Arkansas AD Jeff Long said that despite the SEC football team’s 1-3 start, the program is committed to coach John L. Smith for this season. Translation “Who else could we get to take over this mess?”.
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Eric Gagne said 80% of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs. Now 80% of them are saying they were part of the 20%.
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Another mailer from the Romney campaign today, addressed to me by name and address… “Dear Janice…. “You are one of our Party’s most prominent members, and I would be honored if you would join my team as a major contributor.”
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How badly run is Mitt Romney’s campaign these days? Even Charlie Sheen said – “Not winning.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, NFL lockout jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
September 25, 2012
Maybe some of these replacement refs should run for office: They’ve done a better job than anyone else in America of getting bipartisan agreement on something.
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Hard to remember that before this lockout started, one of the favorite pastimes of hardcore NFL fans was complaining about the regular refs.
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Hope for his sake that someone tells Mitt Romney that this would be a bad week to talk about any friends he might have who are NFL owners.
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Anyone else wondering about the results had the refs given an NFL game like last night’s to Pete Carroll, if the opposing coach was Jim Harbaugh? (There might still be crime tape on the field. )
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The possible real reason last night’s disputed NFL call was such a big deal? Before that “catch,” Green Bay had not only won, but they had (barely) covered the four point spread.
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On the other hand, if Monday night’s NFL call had gone against the Dallas Cowboys, they’d be praising the refs in 49 states.
Aaron Rodgers said tonight that the NFL cares more about saving money than about the integrity of the game. What was his first clue?
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Mitt Romney actually said today at a speech in New York that he “understood” the unions had to look out for their members. Wow. So maybe Mitt does watch Monday Night Football after all.
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Romney’s campaign now says his comment about opening plane windows was a joke. But come on, we all know better – Mitt had to open windows on his private planes to feed the dog on the roof.
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A new study cites state police as having an estimated 80% likelihood of divorce. Wow, that’s almost as high as being in the NBA. Or marrying a Kardashian.
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Uh, about those Bonds asterisks….. Former Cy Young winner Eric Gagne says in his new biography that 80 percent of his Dodgers teammates were using PEDs.
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At the University of Minnesota, Crookston, a DII football team, their midfield logo ended up painted at the 45-yard instead of the 50. Had the school only been scheduled to play an SEC team, no one might have noticed.
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In NY today, Anna Gristina, a Scottish mom of 4, who allegedy ran a brothel for wealthy men, pled guilty to “promoting prostitution.” She will likely get probation after credit for 4 months time served, but could be deported. Why? Unlike with many Wall Streeters, at least her clients were happy when they got screwed.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Packers jokes, replacement ref jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 24, 2012
What a country. I think many bad Supreme Court decisions have resulted in less outrage.
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Jon Gruden, in the midst of his rant against replacement referees, said that “Green Bay shouldn’t have to fly 6,000 miles back home with a loss here”. 6,000 miles? Yeah, this ought to do wonders for the dumb jock image.
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A thought about these replacement referees. If everyone in the NFL cares that much about getting it right, what was this billion dollar industry doing with part-time refs in the first place? (And yes, for non-football fans, the striking refs are contract employees, many with full-time other jobs.)
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Drew Brees described the replacement refs in the Saints’ game Sunday as “horrendous.” Assuming Drew just got a friend request from Aaron Rodgers.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up – – Mitt Romney on Ann’s plane scare last week: “When you have a fire in an aircraft, there’s no place to go, exactly, and you can’t find any oxygen from outside the aircraft to get in the aircraft, because the windows don’t open. I don’t know why they don’t do that. It’s a real problem. So it’s very dangerous.”
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An ex-Intel executive, who cooperated with investigators, escaped with a fine and probation for giving confidential info about his company to a New York hedge fund manager. Gosh, wonder if he had done something really bad, like sold an extra large soda?
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A flight attendant for US Airways Express was caught with a loaded gun in her handbag at Philadelphia International Airport. Well, that’s one airline where passengers may now think twice about whining for a second drink.
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Heath Bell, who lost the Marlins’ closer job, is complaining about Ozzie Guillen saying “It’s hard to respect a guy that doesn’t tell you the truth or doesn’t tell you face-to-face.” Wonder if Guillen’s response would be “It’s hard to respect a guy with a 5.19 ERA who’s converted 19 of 26 save opportunities.
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Police said that renters moving into a home Sunday morning in Modesto, discovered a body. Yikes. Guessing someone won’t get their cleaning deposit back.
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How times have changed. Next Sunday Arnold Schwarzenegger is appearing on “60 Minutes” to plug his new “tell-all” book. Remember the days when some were hoping to change the constitution so that Arnold could run for President?
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Mitt Romney last night “We do provide care for people who don’t have insurance. If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them up in an ambulance, and take them to the hospital….” Of course insurance for preventive care might have kept that heart attack from happening in the first place.
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Kerri Walsh Jennings just revealed she was pregnant when she and her partner won their last Gold medal at the London Olympics. And may I join millions of women around the world in saying “Weaker sex, my ass.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Mitt Romney jokes, MNF jokes, NFL jokes, Packers jokes, replacement ref jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 23, 2012
Okay, who had this after NFL week 3?. Ben Rothlisberger, Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are all on teams with losing records.
Watching today’s 49ers-Vikings game made me glad we don’t have replacement umps in baseball: “So it’s one, two, three, four, five strikes you’re out….”
(For anyone who didn’t see, the referees allowed 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh to challenge a play after his third time out, wrongly decided the challenge and then allowed him to all another one. Might answer the question “whatever happened to Chris Webber?)
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Hard to know what’s been uglier in some of Sunday’s NFL games- the officiating or the play on the field?
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Well for those fearing that the Washington Nationals winning their division was a sign of the apocalypse, the Redskins appear to be their usual awful selves.
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After SF Giants clinched division title last night, SF 49ers decided today was THEIR day to have fans on their feet screaming.
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Mitt Romney yesterday warned guests at a fundraiser that Obama could have us “on a pathway to become California.” The fundraiser was in San Diego.
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RNC chair Reince Preibus when asked about GOP plans for the economy – “I mean, we’ve got specifics coming out of our eyeballs.” So their plans include a Halloween movie?
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NY Police Commissioner Ray Kelly said the man who jumped into the Bronx Zoo’s tiger den wanting to be “one with the tiger,” was not drunk or insane. Well, one out of two, maybe.
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Kevin McClatchy, the former owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, said in an interview with The NY Times that he is gay. Would be nice some day if the nationwide reaction was simply “so?”
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#2 LSU barely defeated Auburn 12-10 Saturday. Setting the Tigers up for a climactic loss to Alabama November 3, and another repeat matchup in the BCS championship.
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Mitt Romney on fundraising: “I’d far rather be spending my time out in the key swing states campaigning, door-to-door if necessary….but fundraising is a part of politics when your opponent decides not to live by the federal spending limits.” Yep, once again, time to blame Obama.
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A Northern California elementary school principal was arrested a charged with selling methamphetamine. I think anyway. Is this a news story or an episode of Breaking Bad?
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More on Ann Romney’s “This is hard” quote. It also included “it is time for all Americans to realize how significant this election is and how lucky we are to have someone with Mitt’s qualifications and experience and know-how to be able to have the opportunity to run this country.
Where’s Clint Eastwood to ask the question “Do you feel lucky, punks?”)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, NFL jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 22, 2012
Iowa lost today to Central Michigan in football? Once again, proof you can choke on a cupcake.
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Melky Cabrera disqualified himself from the 2012 batting title, because he didn’t want to win a tainted award. Now, I think he did the right thing here, but did Melky want to win the title? Absolutely. He just didn’t want anyone to know it was tainted.
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So Alex Smith nearly gets fined for wearing an Giants cap, Giants manager Bruce Bochy wears a 49ers cap Nice mutual support from SF professional sports teams. Does this mean LA Dodgers manager Don Mattingly next will be sporting a USC cap?
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Love this headline about Pawlenty’s resignation: “Tim Pawlenty Quits Romney Campaign for ‘Sexy’ New Lobbying Job” This may be the only time “Pawlenty” and “Sexy” have been used in the same sentence.
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As the lockout continues the NHL has now cancelled the preseason. Surprising many Americans who didn’t realize the NHL HAD a preseason.
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The White House issued a report saying that customer service has improved at US Customs. Either that or customs is just looking really good by comparison to TSA.
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Fortunately no one was injured after an electrical fire on Ann Romney’s campaign plane filled the cabin with smoke. But it was scary. Next flight some Secret Service folks have offered to ride with the dog on the roof.
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President Obama, a long-time Chicago fan, said today he is ‘‘looking forward to a White Sox-Nationals World Series.’’ Romney will respond as soon as his staff reminds him what teams his friends own.
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From my funny (and frustrated) New York friend Marc Ragovin: “The Franklin Mint has just announced they are issuing rare gold coins commemorating each of the Mets four post-all star game home wins.”
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According to the Gainesville (FL) Sun, Herman Cain said today he would have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he had been chosen as the Republican nominee instead of Mitt Romney. I believe the correct response is in German “Nein, nein, nein.”
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Wow. SF Giants’ Pablo Sandoval has hit four home runs in three days, after no home runs since July. Is it time to check for Panda Enhancing Drugs?
Florida senator Marco Rubio has been tweeting his displeasure with commercial airline flight delays. “Sounds really annoying,” responded Mitt Romney. “What’s a commercial airline flight?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
September 20, 2012
You’re already too late to get in line for the new iPhone 5. Although the iPhone 4S is not even a year old. Wonder how many people who stayed up all night kept hearing Siri say “You idiot, go home to sleep”
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A spat between two female flight attendants on an American Eagle flight at JFK got so heated the pilots decided to return to the gate for a new crew. For future, wonder if the airline is considering rescheduling the women, adding onboard mud and charging for inflight entertainment.
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Ann Romney today fired back at the media and critics of her husband: “Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.” Nothing personal against Ann, but what does she think being in the White House would be like?
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So have to wonder, if Matt Kemp had been suspended last month, would the Dodgers be leading the NL West?
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Bruce Springsteen has purchased an Olympic gold medal winning horse for this daughter. Does this mean “the Boss” is thinking of running for office?
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The first college football playoff hasn’t even started and commissioners are considering adding another game to be part of the semifinal rotation. Translation, the SEC wants more guaranteed games.
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This bus to hell moment brought to you by my friend Jim Barach. “A California man is being accused of murdering his wife by slow cooking her. His attorney says the charges are a crock.”
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Wal-mart says they are phasing out the sale of Kindles. Guess it’s hard when your target customers don’t read.
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New Arkansas coach John L. Smith has filed for bankruptcy, declaring $25.7 million in debt. $25.7 million?!! So after coaching is Smith considering a run for Congress?
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Mitt Romney attacked President Obama’s saying he has learned “you can’t change Washington from inside, only from the outside.” Saying HE will fix it from the inside. Of course someone in 2007 said, “I don’t think you change Washington from the inside. I think you change it from the outside.” Yep. Romney, campaigning against John McCain.
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Florida Atlantic DE Carl Pelini says of their games this week with Alabama, that the Tide “ain’t what people think,” and “can be beat.” Sounds like what some of the cockier Christians said about the Lions.
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To show his support for Alex Smith, SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy has now been photographed wearing a SF 49ers cap. Out of habit, the NFL tried to fine him too.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, iPhone jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 19, 2012
Leaving politics aside, is this ESPN headline a sign of the apocalypse? “Nationals inch closer to clinching postseason spot.”
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Mitt Romney says that “Letterman hates me because I’ve been on Leno more than him. Letterman’s response “I don’t hate Mitt.” Well of course, how can you hate someone who gives you so much material?
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The Cincinnati Reds magic number is down to three. Of course for many Ohioans, the real magic number is 47. The number of days until they don’t have to see election ads on television 24/7.
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PED’s, brain injuries, arrests…. good to know that the NFL is on top of the important things – like fining the 49ers’ Alex Smith $15,000 for wearing an SF Giants cap to a post-game news conference. (Really. Although they later did change the fine to a warning.)
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Meanwhile this from comedy writer friend Torben Rolfsen, after Falcons RB Michael Turner was charged with DUI just hours after Monday night’s win: “He must have been really out of it, because he asked if a replacement official could administer the sobriety test.”
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The Big East, with teams ranging from Rutgers to San Diego State, is considering adding a 14th team. Wonder if Hawaii is available?
(my friend Tony L. suggests “Singapore. Then they can be the “Big Far East.”)
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Todd Akin’s campaign site today urged his female supporters to sign a pledge saying “I’m a women, and I support Todd.” (I guess spelling is another of those wacky liberal concepts.)
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Bumpersticker idea for the day: “One of the 53%. And still voting for Obama.”
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Chick-Fil-A has announced they will stop giving money to anti-gay groups. This either means the chain has decided to embrace tolerance, or their recent sales are down.
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Lindsay Lohan has been charged with leaving the scene of an accident after allegedly hitting a pedestrian at 1230a in Manhattan last night. It’s all part of America’s celebrity “50 strikes and you’re out” program.
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Interesting, while Mitt’s trying to demonize the 47%, a Seattle Times article talks about the biggest employer in town (no, not Microsoft) – Boeing. In 2011, for the fourth straight year, the company had no net income-tax, despite $5.1 billion in profits.
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Paul Ryan’s said Mitt Romney’s comments on the 47% were “obviously inarticulate.” How come, and this is a bipartisan question, politicians always say their own stupid comments were just badly phrased but their opponents’ mistakes reveal their true feelings?.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, Janice Hough, Nationals jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 19, 2012
So it’s all about the Romney video. But really, there’s hasn’t been so much talk about 47% since, well, last Thursday and Jay Cutler’s completion rate.
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(And btw, since there are no ads, no taxes are paid from the writing of this blog.)
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Mitt Romney just dissed Americans who see themselves as “victims.” So much for that all important Cubs’ fan vote.
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SF Giants are in great shape. But for all those making playoff plans, I give you: the 2011 Atlanta Braves – 8 1⁄2-game lead wild card lead Sept 1. 2011 Boston Red Sox – 9-game wild card lead on Sept 3. Some chickens are better left uncounted.
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Right about now would be a good time for Mitt Romney to prove to the world that he has always paid U.S income tax. If he has always paid U.S. income tax……
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Just wondering, if Tampa Bay’s attempt to rush the NY Giants’ huddle during their end of game kneel-down had resulted in a fumble, how many teams would try it next week?
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The San Jose Spartans received one 25th place vote in this week’s USA Today-Coaches college football poll. Well, they did come closer to beating Stanford than USC.
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NFL teams are furious with the replacement refs. They can’t wait to get back to being furious with the regular officials.
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The New York Jets lwere scoreless in the last 40 minutes of their loss to the Steelers, Peyton Manning threw three interceptions in a quarter in a loss to the Falcons. Wonder whose fans were screaming louder for Tim Tebow?
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USC Matt Barkley said today he’s glad coach Lane Kiffin publicly critiqued his play last weekend against Stanford. Is this the college football equivalent of “Stockholm Syndrome?”
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Kate Middleton may be getting the international headlines, but Mitt Romney also is learning – even when you think you have privacy, don’t expose yourself.
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The world is pretty divided on this Kate Middleton topless picture scandal. Some women think the media went too far, some think Kate should get over it and keep her top on in future, and men just want to see similar pictures of Pippa.
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Some are now talking Ryan Braun for the NL MVP if the Brewers make the playoffs. If so, got to love it, the All-Star MVP busted for PEDs and the potential repeat MVP winner playing only because his suspension was overturned on a technicality. Way to clean up the game, Bud Selig.
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PC overload time. A Rhode Island school district banned father-daughter dances and mother-son ballgames on gender discrimination charges. Who do they think they are – San Francisco?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 47 percent jokes, 47% jokes, Cutler jokes, Jets jokes, replacement referee jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
September 18, 2012
Friends of Amanda Bynes are reportedly worried about her, one told TMZ he saw her on several occasions having long conversations with inanimate objects. But maybe Amanda’s fine, she’s just auditioning for a part in the next Clint Eastwood movie?
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The author of “50 Shades of Gray,” E.L. James, who has 15 and 17 year old boys, says the books are her “fantasies writ large.” And you think your mother was embarrassing when you were a teenager…
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USC coach Lane Kiffin said that Matt Barkley made two “really poor decisions” in the Stanford game, but also that the offensive line “did have the most missed assignments we ever had anywhere we’ve been.” Way to have your team’s back, Lane.
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President Obama will appear on the Kansas ballot after a state board ended its birth certificate probe. Not because of evidence, but because the “birther” dropped his suit, saying he had been threatened. Kind of makes you see why the state doesn’t teach evolution.
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Blue Jays shortstop Yunel Escobar apparently wore eye black during a game against the Red Sox with a gay slur spelled out on it. MLB is looking into the incident . If Escobar doesn’t get fined for the slur, he should be fined for being stupid enough to put it in writing.
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Classes were evacuated at LSU due to a bomb threat. Fortunately, that didn’t affect any of the football players.
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A librarian claims she lost 76 pounds in two years by only eating at Starbucks. Makes sense, how many calories could she afford?
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Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine, regarding his “weakest roster in the history of baseball” comment, now says “that wasn’t meant to be a criticism of any players or anything in the organization.” I think I like “was pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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What is it about men from Massachusetts running campaigns for President (who aren’t named Kennedy)? – Mitt Romney at a private fundraiser: “There are 47 % who will vote for the president no matter what, who are dependent on govt no matter what, that they are victims, who believe that govt. has the responsibility to care for them. Who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing….”
(way to go after that Florida senior vote.)
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More about comment on the 47% percent of Americans who pay no federal income tax – “I’ll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.” Wonder how many in that category are rich folks with REALLY good accountants and offshore accounts?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bobby Valentine jokes, Clint Eastwood jokes, Janice Hough, Lane Kiffin jokes, LSU jokes, Romney leak jokes, USC jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 