Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
July 27, 2013
Sir Mick Jagger turned 70 on Friday. Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..
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Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.
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Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.
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FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?
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A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D. Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.
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The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.
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Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.
Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”
ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.
News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. #RoyalBaby
A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.
#SFGiants doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….
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From Bill Littlejohn: “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Fed Ex jokes, Florida jokes, janice hough jokes, Mick Jagger jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 25, 2013
If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?
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Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race.. (Insert pull out joke here.) But, hey, he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-
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Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.
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Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees: Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
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Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.
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Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.
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Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.
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The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.
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Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….
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Bus to hell time: You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?
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More on the bus to hell from TC “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, janice hough jokes, Prince George jokes, steroid jokes, Weiner jokes
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July 23, 2013
For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)
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Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.
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Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? #Seligfail
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Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.
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Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.
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Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?
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Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?
Two from my friend Marc Ragovin: “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious: Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.” And “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced. Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum. Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”
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From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”
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The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.
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A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?
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Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”
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Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.
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For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”
Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. #Royalbaby
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, royal baby jokes, Ryan Braun jokes, Weiner jokes
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July 22, 2013
Congrats to Kate and William. The heir down, the spare to go.
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The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.
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From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”
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More from the great Simon “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”
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And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.
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Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.
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Another nice thing about the #royalbaby. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.
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From Gary Bachman: “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”
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How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?
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February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?
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So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”
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What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?
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65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football. (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four game suspension.)
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On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.
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Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.
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Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.
(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Royalbabyboy, Braun jokes, Bud Selig jokes, Janice Hough, royal baby jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
July 22, 2013
For non-golf fans, a 66 on the last day of the British Open is pretty close to a no-hitter in baseball: Well played Lefty, VERY well played.
And even cooler, the U.K. Telegraph notes how he spent much of the time waiting for others to finish signing autographs for fans. Yes, we never know about athletes’ private lives – see Tiger Woods. But Mickelson is warm and friendly in public. And while he may not get the most media attention, he is almost certainly the most popular golfer on tour.)
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No royal baby yet. But hey, even Kate and William wouldn’t have wanted to compete for headlines in Britain with Phil Mickelson.
ESPN, sitting on some amazing British Open highlights, had to wait until 1a for the Yankees-Red Sox game to be over on the East Coast. Good game but the network was thinking it would have been a good night for a 2 hour NL pitchers’ duel.
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Florida Gators LB Antonio Morrison was suspended from the team after his 2nd arrest in five weeks, this time for allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. But this, from ESPN, is the part you can’t make up “according to a police report Morrison’s defense was the dog barked first.”
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Then there’s West Virginia DL Korey Harris who was arrested Friday for first-degree armed robbery. Allegedly he and two others broken into a home and robbed two people at gunpoint. Harris was arrested because one of the victims saw the player’s uniform number 96 on his official Mountaineers-issued sweatpants and gave the information to police.
Korey Harris has been dismissed from the team. No word if he got to keep his sweatpants.
(And wonder if he’ll get some interest from the SEC.)
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John McCain said the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bomber was “stupid.” Wow. McCain knows what Rolling Stone magazine is?
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Have heard the SF Giants are not bringing Gary Brown up because he can’t hit right-handed pitching. And compared to the rest of the team their point is?
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A strained thigh may keep A-Rod from rejoining the Yankees Monday as scheduled. And millions of baseball fans are thinking “promise?”
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Expos fans flooded the stands in the game between the Blue Jays and Rays to make their case for bringing a team back to Montreal–but in deference to Steven Strasburg, the effort shut down in the seventh inning”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: British Open jokes, football arrest jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Phil Mickelson jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 20, 2013
The NY Post is reporting that some Manhattan parents are hiring $400-an-hour recreation “experts” to organize play dates for their children, since top private kindergartens watch how kids interact as part of the admissions process. Well, what’s $400 an hour when you’re saving for a lifetime of therapy.
There are reports that RGIII has been sexting a waitress, even on his wedding day. Who does the Redskins QB think he is? Tiger Woods?
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A little bizarre baseball trivia: Tim Lincecum’s no-hitter against the San Diego Padres – 148 pitches. Six SF Giants pitchers combining on a shutout against the Arizona D’backs Friday night – 123 pitches.
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New York Mets lose 13 to 8 after falling behind 11 to 0 to Phillies. Guess they didn’t want Citi Field fans to get too used to seeing All-Stars.
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While our country will never agree on the trial verdict, can we at least stop this characterization of Trayvon Martin as a thug because he used marijuana? My alma mater, Lake Brantley High School, is about 15 miles from Sanford, Florida. When I went there in the late 70s it was 99% white. And we had an outdoor smoking section. (really). It was a school joke, walk by the section, get high on the fumes. And they weren’t nicotine fumes….
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One group that is being very quiet about Trayvon Martin & George Zimmerman – the NRA. Maybe they don’t want to start seeing quite ALL Americans armed?
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And putting this in perspective from Marc Ragovin: “The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.”
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Andrew Bynum, now a member of the Cavaliers, says that Cleveland is “definitely a playoff team.” Well, not sure about that. But the Cavs would probably be at least an NCAA tournament six seed.
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Not exactly. Anthony Hopkins speaking to Jay Leno last night “Only America could produce ‘American Idol.'”
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Some wondered if after Texas passed very restrictive laws tightening clinic restrictions and banning abortion after 20 weeks, that the backlash from women might make them reconsider. They’re reconsidering all right. Now a legislator has introduced a bill banning abortion after SIX weeks.
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Matt Garza apparently has been told he’ll be traded, though he doesn’t want to leave the Cubs, as he believes the team is headed in the right direction. “I don’t think we are far away from winning.” Sounds like Garza is getting out of Wrigley just in time, he’s becoming delusional.
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Dear Gawd, now the U.K. Telegraph has a cover story on “10 ways to bring on the Royal Baby.” Actually there’s one way with a 100% success rate: Wait.
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So, conspiracy theorists of the world, where is the speculation that Kim Kardarshian is waiting to show pictures of North West until the day the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, New York joke, royal baby jokes, Texas jokes, Zimmerman jokes
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July 18, 2013
Rick Perry has announced he will not run again for Governor of Texas. He may be running again for President. But wouldn’t a better option be Governor of Florida. Then Perry could threaten to secede and most Americans would say “Promise?”
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Top Three reactions on the Rolling Stone Boston bomber cover. 1. It’s outrageous. 2. It’s not a big deal. 3. Rolling Stone is still in business?
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The city of Detroit has declared bankruptcy. Wouldn’t it be better to declare war on the rest of the United States, lose, and apply for aid?
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The stock market closed at a record high today. Which means it’s time for the GOP to start talking about President Obama’s birth certificate again.
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Virginia’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, is trying to reinstate the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law. This law makes consensual oral or anal sex acts felonies, even for married heterosexual couples who commit the acts in the privacy of their own homes. (“Not tonight, dear, I don’t want to be arrested?”)
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A man was arrested outside the White House Tuesday morning with a loaded gun. And apparently told the police. “I was only going to fire a couple of shots.” Uh, George Zimmerman only fired one.
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Eliot #Spitzer told an interviewer he considered himself a feminist. Well, I guess he did support a woman-owned business and paid well…
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Jerry Seinfeld said he was upset during the All-Star game “when the Citi Field crowd was booing (players) that they see as rivals to their Mets team.” Of course, to be fair, it could have been an automatic reaction, as these days NY fans are just used to booing their own team.
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From T.C. “Charles Foley, the inventor of Twister has passed on. He will be buried with his right foot touching the casket’s top left hand corner and his left hand touching the bottom right.”
Have to assume Kate is safely ensconced away from TV and media… But this baby is expected to be a major economic stimulus for the economy – tourist visits and locals buying “stuff.” And if you WANTED to create even more hype for a royal baby that will be King or Queen someday. one way to do it would be to let public assume a due date a week or two early….
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Lots of talk about banning PED users from baseball for life to make the game completely clean. But isn’t that like expecting the death penalty to completely stop murders? #Nooneexpectstobecaught
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, PED jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Rolling Stone jokes
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July 17, 2013
One reason that so many people are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the royal baby? How often do we get a real celebrity baby born in wedlock?
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So little offense in Tuesday night’s All-Star game you had to wonder if all the batters knew they might be asked to provide a urine sample after the game?
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Governor Rick Perry, in an Illinois radio ad trying to lure business to his state – “The escape route leads straight to Texas.” Uh, aren’t they talking about a fence for that?
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Matt Harvey said in a Men’s Journal article that he hopes to have the kind of love life Derek Jeter has had, not just the beautiful women, but the privacy. Apparently Harvey, 24, hasn’t thought about Jeter being lucky enough to be in HIS 20s before everyone from age 7 to 70 had their own camera phone.
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Gay marriages will now be legal in England, Queen Elizabeth II gave her royal assent to a bill passed in Parliament. Of course, watching her own four children couldn’t have given the Queen any sense that “traditional” marriage needed to be defended….
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An interesting sidelight to the legalization of gay marriage in Britain…. it was Prime Minister David Cameron, a leader of the Conservatives, who first proposed the legislation.
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San Francisco now has its own Applebee’s on Fisherman’s Wharf. For all those locals and tourists who haven’t known where to get a good pomegranate martini made with Sprite. (No joke, was in an Applebee’s in Kansas, only place open late, and had to have them hold the Sprite.)
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Asiana Airlines is dropping plans to sue KTVU, the TV station that mistakenly read the four fake pilot names on air. Presumably at least in part because the airline realized such a suit would lead to about four million fake lawyer name jokes.
Despite the most recent controversy swirling around him after his early departure from the Manning QB camp, Johnny Manziel says “I’m still going to live my life to the fullest.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next possible arrest date?
Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel said he ended up leaving the Manning QB camp simply because he missed a meeting when he overslept. Yo, Johnny, they’re called alarm clocks. (And there’s an app for that.)
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Meanwhile in San Francisco, LB NaVorro Bowman is talking about the “huge mistake” by QB Colin Kaepernick – being seen wearing a Miami Dolphins hat. Is it just me, or should “huge mistake” be reserved for situations where the police are involved. Or maybe butt fumbles.
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If Russia gives Snowden asylum South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham is now suggesting the U.S. consider a boycott the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi. Yeah, that 1980 boycott turned out so well with Afghanistan….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Asiana airlines jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, John Manziel jokes, NFL jokes, royal baby jokes
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July 17, 2013
Mariano Rivera entered his final All-Star game Tuesday night to the familiar sounds sounds of “Enter Sandman” Which was particularly fitting tonight because approaching 11pm on the east coast after 7 1/2 dull innings, a lot of fans were already half asleep.
Three hits for the NL in the All Star game. #SFGiants fans had to figure they were watching a repeat of their team’s last month.
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I think I speak for all SF Giants fans in saying “Thank God we didn’t see a home plate collision between Prince Fielder and Buster Posey.”
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Nike has pulled a number of T-shirts from sale after discovering they put a Carolina Panthers logo with the letters “NC” inside an outline of the state of South Carolina. Scary thing, I wonder how many Americans would have noticed.
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Why should New York have all the fun with elections. Now we’ve got Liz Cheney running for Senate in Wyoming. Against an incumbent REPUBLICAN.
(my friend Jason suggests that Liz with her Tea Party style may cause Dick more grief than his Lesbian daughter did when Bush was out pushing a Marriage amendment.)
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The head of the MLB Players Association says that it’s possible the players implicated with Biogenesis would not serve their penalties until 2014. Great, so instead of having a suspended player help determine home field advantage in the World Series, we could have one become the MVP of the World Series.
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Some statements don’t even need a punchline: George Zimmerman’s brother on CNN, said that George “is going to be looking around his shoulder for the rest of his life,” looking out for people who “take the law into their own hands.”
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Juror B37’s book deal apparently was killed before she wrote a word. Will her former literary agent claim self-defense?
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God Bless America. In response to an email inquiry about train travel to England, Rail Europe reminds me “It is important to purchase your rail tickets prior to departing for Europe to avoid any language barrier, long lines at the station and sold out trains.” Right, especially that language barrier.
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The California Supreme Court refused Monday to stop gay weddings in the state, a move that upset Proposition 8 supporters. But where are the cheers from conservatives who believe that government should stay out of our lives?
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ESPN is already gearing up their British Open coverage. Is anyone but #TigerWoods playing?
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From Jim Barach: Chris Christie is set to appear on Michael J. Fox’s new show. His camp says it has nothing to do with trying to get national exposure for a presidential run since the show will be aired on NBC.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, juror b37 jokes, Mariano Rivera jokes, SF Giants jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 14, 2013
July 14, 2013. A Facebook ad titled “Music for the Holidays” suggests “Create your holiday soundtrack with Pandora for business.” Have they no shame? Everyone knows the Christmas shopping season doesn’t start until Labor Day.
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Asiana Airlines said they are considering legal action against KTVU because the station’s reading of the four fake names “badly damaged” their reputation. Really? I would have thought what badly damaged Asiana’s reputation was crashing a 777 on a clear day with possibly one of the worst landings in commercial aviation history.
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Timing is everything. The New York Times did a pre-All Star break baseball story that pointed out there was only one no-hitter this year. And called Tim Lincecum one of the three most disappointing NL pitchers in 2013.
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Anyone looking at the box scores from last night’s and today’s SF Giants vs. San Diego Padres games will understand, if they haven’t already, that “momentum is the next day’s starting pitcher.” (Earl Weaver.)
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The All Star futures game today was managed by Mookie Wilson and Edgardo Alfonzo, two former Mets. Well, when you think of minor league baseball, it’s makes sense to think of the Mets.
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American sprinter Tyson Gay tests positive for a banned substance: Track and Field is beginning to look like a sport with all the honor and integrity of professional cycling.
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From Bill Littlejohn: after a bystander threw urine on Tour de France rider Mark Cavendish: “I wonder if it tested negative.”
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Yesterday Metta World Peace said he was done with the NBA, today he wants to play for the New York Knicks. Maybe he meant the Knicks aren’t really an NBA team, they’re more like a circus….?
The time’s they are a changin.’ Jordan Spieth, 19, won the John Deere Classic today. To put this in perspective, based on Spieth’s age, Tiger Woods is old enough to be his father.
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Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of George Zimmerman’s next arrest?
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After his acquittal, George Zimmerman got his gun returned to him. So going forward, presume anyone who argues with him has a right to draw their own weapon at any time. Because we’ve already proved, anyone fighting with Zimmerman IS in mortal danger.
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And serious final note: The death of Cory Monteith reminds us of a sad truth about addiction. Not everyone with a problem plays it out by becoming a tabloid joke with their bad behavior.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana jokes, Janice Hough, Tour de France jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 13, 2013
KTVU, the San Francisco Bay Area station that had been touting their first and best coverage of the Asiana airlines crash, ended up caught with a name prank that might not have fooled many high school substitute teachers, and Friday read the names of the pilots on the doomed flight as “Sum Ting Wong, ” “Wi Tu Lo”, “Ho Lee Fuk” and “Bang Ding Ow.”
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So after today will the station change its name to K.T.V.Oops? #KTVU #HoLeeFuk
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So when someone gets fired this weekend from #KTVU, wonder how many offers they’ll get from various shows on #ComedyCentral?
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So what was more unlikely? That KTVU, a major news station, would fall for a really juvenile prank . Or that the SF Giants would score 10 runs Friday night?
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: At the Texas capitol while the abortion bill is being debated, state troopers are confiscating women’s tampons and maxi pads as potential projectiles. Guns, however, are allowed. Your move, Florida.
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Ariel Castro, the Cleveland kidnapping suspect now faces 977 counts against him. Amazing they couldn’t figure out how to go for an even thousand.
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A new study found that eating probiotic yogurts may help with symptoms of depression and anxiety. But women already know there’s a food that accomplishes that – it’s called “chocolate.”
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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner’s fiancee broke up with him this week, after Filner admitted he had behaved badly with women who worked for him. The Republican Party of San Diego cheered her move on its Facebook page, saying “she deserves better.” Somehow we all missed it when the GOP said the same thing about Maria Shriver.
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PETA wants the Tampa Bay Rays to remove its rays “touch tank”, located behind the center field wall at Tropicana Field. PETA feels the fish are in danger after Miguel Cabrera hit the second home run in 6 years that splashed into the tank. (No fish were hurt either time.) What’s next, asking the SF Giants to put a cover over the bay to protect fish from their splash hits?
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The Senate Democratic leader in Texas says he has stopped state troopers from confiscating women’s tampons at the door of the Capitol. What persuasion did he use? “If tampons are outlawed, only outlaws will have tampons?”
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Yet another Dreamliner issue, this time a fire on an empty Ethiopian 787 parked at Heathrow airport. Sort of puts a whole new slant on “nonsmoking” and “smoking” sections.
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The Canadian Football League is into the third week of its season, and there haven’t been any active players arrested yet. Alas, more ammunition for those who say the CFL isn’t real pro football.
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So Edward Snowden, who originally said he would not seek asylum in Russia after Putin made no further leaks a condition, now says through a spokesman that he could accept the condition, and that he “does not intend to damage U.S. interests given that he is a patriot of his country.” Translation, Snowden’s done some research on what it would be like living in Venezuel
A popular new dish in Colombia is “pork belly tater tots.” Is this the poor man’s version of a Cardiac Stress Test?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana jokes, ho lee fuk jokes, Janice Hough, ktvu jokes
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July 12, 2013
Millions of Americans seem far more invested in the All-Star game voting than in political elections. But to be fair, almost all the baseball candidates offer a decent chance at a good performance.
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19.7 million votes for Freddie Freeman in just a few days. Maybe to increase U.S. voter participation we should give Americans bonus All-Star votes?
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After he was accused of sexual harassment, San Diego mayor Bob Filner today apologized for his behavior, saying he failed to respect women who work for him. Surprised Filner didn’t say he was just preparing to be Governor of California.
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The Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with their neighborhood to install the first Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Wonder if part of the agreement the Cubs reminding residents that they wouldn’t have to deal with the scoreboard after March and starting in October.
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No more World Peace in Los Angeles? And anyone who isn’t an NBA fan responds “And your point is?” (Or, as if World Peace ever stood a chance in Los Angeles?)
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On the front page of Palo Alto Daily Post today “Correction – (name withheld on this blog), 51, of Palo Alto, was not fully nude when police say he was seen performing lewd acts on himself while bicycling through Seale Park on Thursday. Only a portion of his anatomy was exposed, leading to the arrest, police said.” Well I’m sure the man is glad they cleared that up..
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Michael Weiner, director of the MLB players union said that leaks about the Bigenesis-PED investigation “threaten to harm the integrity” of the drug agreement. Shocking, someone believes there was any “integrity” in the drug agreement?
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Derek Jeter was removed in the eighth inning from his first game of the season due to tightness in his quad. Or maybe the Yankees was just rushing to make the “Early Bird Special.”
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The pilot of the Asiana plane that crashed at SFO now says that a flash of light temporarily blinded him 34 seconds before impact, when the plane was already way too low and slow. Guess there were no lifeboats he could claim to have been pushed into?
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Already on probation for assaulting a police officer in 2012, Patriots CB Alfonzo Dennard was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Looking like a good thing New England signed Tebow – they’ll need all the prayers they can get.
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Story now is that Dwight Howard was unhappy with the Los Angeles Lakers because he felt Kobe should have passed the torch. Okay, and how dumb is it to go into a situation expecting Kobe to pass ANYTHING?
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The judge in the George Zimmerman case agreed that jurors can consider the lesser charge of manslaughter. Which may or may not help the prosecutors win their case. But it does make them smarter than their compatriots who went after Casey Anthony.
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Apparently police are on alert in Orlando for the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.
Depending on the verdict, Central Florida could see the biggest riots since – a – Walt Disney World raised prices, or b – Denny’s raised the prices on their “Early Bird Special.”
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Today, 7/11, is “Free Slurpee Day” at 7/11. What does it say about this country when
some people can’t be bothered to vote, but they line up for free frozen sugar water….
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In the never-ending discussion of whether men or women are more intelligent, I give you the annual week long “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona, Spain, and the gender breakdown of the human runners….. Nuff said.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star game jokes Florida jokes, baseball jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 10, 2013
Oakland Raiders’ LB Kaluka Maiava has been charged with assault after a fight earlier this year in a Maui bar. Gosh, and there goes the NFL’s streak of about 72 hours since the last arrest.
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Let’s hope SF Giants get it together soon. Otherwise the seagulls who fly into A T and T Park to hunt for garbage might fly away with half the team’s outfield.
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Sarah Palin may run for the Senate in 2014. Apparently she’s decided it would be a great place to spend three years of her life..
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Actual notice on a FedEx wine shipment. “Do not deliver to an intoxicated person.” Great, what do we need now? Drivers with portable breathalyzers?
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Now a video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a restaurant mop bucket. I know the singer is young, but is he trying to prove he’s old enough for Lindsay Lohan?
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Have no real reason to suspect Chris Davis of PEDs, but for all those who say, “He MUST be clean because he has spoken so stridently against them,” see Ryan Braun and Rafael Palmeiro.
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Pitcher Chad Gaudin, now with the SF Giants, formerly with the Yankees, has been charged with “open and gross lewdness” for making advances and groping a woman in a Las Vegas hospital this January. Who did Gaudin think he was? Joe Namath?
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Wal-Mart is threatening not to open three planned stores in Washington, D.C. if the city goes ahead with raising the minimum wage to $12.50 an hour. Well, and why not? Why should government interfere with the right of a corporation to pay as little as possible when food stamps and Medicaid are available?
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They may have swept the Giants but they’re still the Mets: The NY Mets drastically scaled back Native American Heritage day when they realized they were to host Atlanta the same day. Because they didn’t want to offend the Braves. So now they offended the actual Indians, who pulled out of the event.
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Pat Robertson says he would like to see a “Vomit” button on Facebook for photos of gay couples. Funny, because millions of gay and straight couples would like to see a “Vomit’ button for pictures of Pat Robertson
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Former Florida State OL Menelik Watson just got his ACC championship ring on Wednesday. Except that it read “2012 SEC Champions.”
Two reactions: At the jewelry company – “FSU football players can read?” At Ohio State – “Darn, a ring with a mistake would have fetched more money.”
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House Speaker John Boehner says the House will not even vote on the bipartisan immigration bill passed by the Senate 68-32. Apparently they’re too busy with symbolic abortion bills and repeals of Obamacare.
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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: NY Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; )or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots.) There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Boehner jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrest jokes, NFL jokes, Pat Robertson jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 10, 2013
Reports are that MLB will suspend as many as 20 active players for PEDs, including Ryan Braun and A-Rod, possibly on the day after the All-Star Game. So much for ESPN trying to fill a slow sports news day.
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Just wondering, after last year and with the Biogenesis story lurking in MLB’s background has Bud Selig suggested to Jim Leyland that he NOT put Bartolo Colon in position to be the All-Star Game MVP?
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In an obituary published in the Columbus Dispatch, longtime fan Scott E. Entsminger, 55. requested “six Cleveland Browns pall bearers so the Browns can let him down one last time.” I see a new marketing opportunity for the Chicago Cubs.
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The Los Angeles Lakers had the highest luxury tax in the NBA last year – over $29 million. Really. And not even a senior discount?
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Details details… So IF Snowden decides to accept asylum in Venezuela, the flights between Moscow and Caracus go through Frankfurt, Paris, Rome, Madrid Miami, JFK or Madrid. All of which require a valid passport for transit. Oops. Add to the list of things Snowden should have thought through…. talking to a good travel agent.
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Barnes and Noble announced the resignation of their CEO today. Shocking! Barnes and Noble is still in business?
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So in the George Zimmerman circus, er, trial, now the defense planned to introduce evidence that Trayvon Martin had marijuana in his system at the time of his death. Because we all know how energetic and aggressive smoking pot makes you?
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After Dwight Howard said he would sign with Houston, the Rockets GM went on Twitter and TV to talk about it. Which is apparently against rules during the July 1-10 free agent moratorium.. So the NBA fined the team $150,000. Right. And flopping is $5,000…. Ah priorities.
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-A new rock bottom? San Francisco Giants don’t need a trade. They need a 12-step program.
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TC trying to top my last week’s groaner about Morsi – that his countrymen thought “He Gypped” them:
“Egypt’s President Mohammed Morsi has been overthrown by the country’s military. Of course he’s still in DeNile.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biogenesis jokes, Chicago Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Snowden jokes
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July 9, 2013
Aaron Hernandez’s likeness has been removed from the video games NCAA Football 14 and Madden NFL 25. Though he might be added to the latest versions of Resident Evil and Mortal Kombat.
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Spitzer, Weiner, Sanford…. Let’s hope somewhere someone is saying “Don’t even think about it,” to John Edwards.
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George Clooney and Stacy Keiber have announced their split up. So congrats to all those who had July 8 in the pool.
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During a rehab start in Single-A, A-Rod was hit by a pitch. A reporter then asked the pitcher’s grandmother about the Yankees’ star. “I think he thinks he’s kind of a hotshot. I don’t care for his personality. He just thinks he’s better than the other boys.” Who says the elderly lose cognitive abilities.
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Whole Foods has recalled a cheese that over a bacterial infection that has sickened dozens and killed at least one person. And millions of Americans are thinking “how often is that that you literally can’t afford to have gotten sick?
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Speaking of sick. .. Hostess has announced that to extend the snack cakes shelf-life they will now freeze Twinkies before delivering them to stores. What, because otherwise they’d only last five or six decades, tops?
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Post-Wimbledon headline from the U.K Telegraph today: “The most painful wait in sport is over.” No response yet from Chopped Liver Stadium aka Wrigley Field.
Rick Perry says he will not run for a fourth term as Texas Governor Did someone just tell him women can vote?
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An Amtrak train bound from New York to Miami was stuck on the tracks near Richmond, VA for 14 hours and passengers were not allowed to leave. Some complained of balky toilets and intermittent air conditioning. Is Amtrak trying to become travel partners with Carnival Cruise Lines?
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LSU’s leading rusher Jeremy Hill was formally charged today with misdemeanor simple battery over an April bar fight. Apparently this could pose problems for the 2013 since Hill is on probation from a 2012 plea for “misdemeanor carnal knowledge of a juvenile.” The lengths some of these young men will go to prove they are NFL ready.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan apparently joined the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain yesterday. Was Ryan trying to prove he could do something stupider than trusting Mark Sanchez?
(Says Alex Schubert, “he was just excited because he knew that running involved feet.”)
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Robert Kraft on Aaron Hernandez: “If any member of the New England Patriots organization is close enough to a murder investigation to actually get arrested – whether it be for obstruction of justice or the crime itself – it is too close to an unthinkable act for that person to be part of this organization going forward.” How much do we want to see Kraft interviewed this fall by new ESPN analyst Ray Lewis?
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When Dwight Howard left for Houston, apparently Kobe Bryant stopped following him on Twitter. Seriously? Hard to imagine Kobe following anyone.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, Spitzer jokes, Twinkies jokes
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July 7, 2013
Congrats to Andy Murray. First British winner of Wimbledon since 1936. Or as Cubs fans call that – “Only Yesterday.”
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Just how much does Murray’s #Wimbledon win mean in Britain? If William & Kate’s baby was born Sunday night it might have been only the 2nd story on the news.
(my friend Rick suggests, and it might have had to been named Andy.)
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There were a lot more Los Angeles Dodgers fans at A T and T Park in San Francisco yesterday than there appeared to be Djokovic fans at Wimbledon.
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It was 86 degrees today at Wimbledon, wondering where the Mad Dogs were?
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The Green Bay Packers now say they want to retire Brett Favre’s jersey no later than the 2016 season. Or presumably sooner, so he doesn’t un-retire again.
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Now it’s Eliot Spitzer on the comeback trail, apparently running for New York City Comptroller. So if he and Anthony Weiner win assume the city goes from an “I LOVE NY” tourism campaign to “I LUST NY”?
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Also in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up” dept – one of Spitzer’s opponents is his former madam. Really. Kristin Davis. Running as a Libertarian.
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Random serious thought after yesterday’s Asiana crash. I know it’s all about the money, but wonder if U.S. airlines might actually now stop allowing elderly or frail looking travelers to purchase exit row seats.
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New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton caddied for Ryan Palmer this weekend at the Greenbrier Classic. Have to figure other golfers on the PGA tour were hoping Payton would put bounties on some of those clowns yelling “Get in the Hole.”
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NY Giants LB Dan Connor was arrested today when TSA agents found a 4-inch switchblade knife in his carry-on bag. And the NFL is thinking “At least it wasn’t a gun.”
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Some good news today from A T and T Park. The SF Giants didn’t win, but they broke up Clayton Kershaw’s no-hitter in the first inning. And they batted in the right order.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Andy Murray jokes, Janice Hough, NFL arrests, NFL jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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July 7, 2013
Don’t get me wrong, the plane crash today at SFO was awful. Yet the number of casualties was less than on an average weekend in the Bay Area with either car accidents or gunshots.
But stand by for members of Congress using the incident as yet another excuse to spend more money and/or increase the security fee structure.
On the other hand, also have to wonder… which airline will be the first to somehow turn this crash into an excuse for more fees?
And remember, the most dangerous part of a vacation involving airlines is still the drive to the airport.
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Urban Meyer now says of Aaron Hernandez “Relating or blaming these serious charges to the University of Florida, myself or our staff is wrong and irresponsible.” Right, because NOTHING, EVER, is Urban Meyer’s fault.
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Madison Bumgarner has to be thinking he got off lucky today, since the Dodgers had to put some new guy in right field.
(if that’s too inside baseball, the new guy in right field was Yasiel Puig.)
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But on the other hand, SF Giants displayed all the numbers mastery of an SEC football team in math class. How do you bat out of order?
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So who won at Wimbledon Saturday – the one woman no one’s heard of, or the other woman no one’s heard of?
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Colin Kaepernick is catching flak from 49er fans for wearing a Dolphins cap.And he defiantly tweeted that he did it on porpoise”
Copy editor alert: NBC Headline on the Asiana crash. “Two dead, mostly females”
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Okay, so let me get this straight . With abortions, even though they are relatively safe, GOP lawmakers want all kinds of rules like mandatory ultrasounds, providers required to have hospital privileges, etc, because they are “concerned about women’s health”. But with guns, even though accidental deaths and murders are commonplace, well, the government should stay out of things.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana crash, Janice Hough
Comments: 1 Comment
July 3, 2013
As we approach the 4th of July, do the British look upon the day much as a parent might look upon the day that a child leaves the nest. Painful, but in retrospect thank God they’re no longer our responsibility?
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Douglas Engelbart, 88, who invented the computer mouse, has passed away. Funeral attendees will no doubt get an electronic invitation that they can click on for directions.
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A new report says the U.S. State Department spent about $630,000 to get more followers on their Facebook pages? Really? All they needed were a few good cat pictures.
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According to a story in the Washington Post Magazine, apparently now Ted Nugent is considering a White House bid. What’s his slogan? “For those who think Salin Palin isn’t batshit crazy enough?
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As more and more information comes out about Aaron Hernandez, what’s more shocking… that the former Patriots’ tight end could be so evil, or that he could be so stupid?
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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West apparently turned down a $3 million photo offer from a magazine for their baby. Translation, they’re holding out for $5 million.
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Apparently an arrest warrant has been obtained for San Francisco 49ers LB Ahmad Brooks, alleging he hit teammate Lamar Divens with a beer bottle. So congrats to all who had July 3 in the latest NFL pool
(If not, no worries, a new pool starts today….)
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Brad Stevens, 36, has been named the new Boston Celtic coach. Now Boston’s trading Kevin Garnett, 37, really makes sense. Since otherwise KG might have been telling Stevens to “respect his elders.”
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For his recent performance Buster Posey was chosen the NL Player of the Week. For their recent performance the SF Giants were chosen the NL Team of the Weak.
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Stupid joke running through my head all day. Why did people rise up against President Morsi? They think “He’gypped us.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Egypt jokes, Janice Hough, July 4th jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
July 3, 2013
Jamaican runner Novlene Williams-Mills. who won a bronze with her 400m relay in the 2012 Olympics, just revealed she been secretly diagnosed with breast cancer the month before and had a lumpectomy 3 days after the closing ceremony. Weaker sex my a**.
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So Dennis Rodman thinks that after his visit to North Korea he should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. More like a candidate for the Piece Of Work Prize.
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1. All countries spy. 2. Edward Snowden has made it clear he views it is his mission to expose spying and will use any means at his power to do so. 3. Snowden wants to live in a new country. 4. See #1. 5. Snowden is scr*wed.
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Aaron Hernandez jerseys are now selling for hundreds of dollars on Ebay. To paraphase P.T. Barnum, guess no one also ever went broke underestimating the bad taste of the American public.
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Regarding that New England Patriots offer to trade in Aaron Hernandez jerseys; T.C. says “The kicker is that you get an Ochocinco one in return.”
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New York City GOP mayoral candidate Joe Lhota just called on Anthony Weiner’s ex-girlfriends to dish dirt so that women “will come to the right conclusion after enough women come out and talk about what it was like to be with him and date him and things like that.” Uh, did Lhota forget that New Yorkers re-elected Giuliani, and voted overwhelming twice for Bill Clinton?
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Iggy Pop, 66, says he has quit stage-diving in his shows. Was this after a number of shows where he dived and couldn’t get up?
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Jennifer Aniston: “I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry, “The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.” Even most first-world people are thinking “REALLY-First-World Problems”
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An Ohio day-care operator was arrested and charged with putting Benadryl and Melatonin in kids’ pancakes to get them to sleep. “How awful” said many Americans. “How much did she use?” asked many tired parents.
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So after Rick Perry gets his special legislative session to vote on his abortion bill, will the Texas governor’s next move be to ask his state to declare they are not subject to the 19th amendment?
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There are rumors that Texas Governor Rick Perry might announce another run for President of the United States. Millions of Americans are very excited about this possibility. They’re called “Democrats.”
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The GOP strategy if Hillary Clinton runs for President is reportedly to try to paint her as “old news.” Well, that really ought to boost Jeb Bush.
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Watching Yasiel Puig makes me think maybe a good second half strategy for SF Giants might be to troll waters outside Cuba with a black and orange boat and sign saying saying “Baseball players welcome here.”
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Entitled much? A TripAdvisor review of a 3-star NY hotel booked ON PRICELINE rants how even though she advised a 7a arrival the hotel did not have her room ready at 9a for early check-in. (And only had it ready an hour before the promised 3pm check-in time.) Plus they wouldn’t give her Hilton Honours points with the discounted price. And she got a small, dark room. Hello? #Yougetwhatyoupayfor
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: hernandez jokes, Janice Hough, Rick Perry jokes, Rodman jokes, Snowden jokes, Texas jokes, Weiner jokes
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July 1, 2013
Happy Canada Day – July 1. Our neighbors to the north have universal healthcare, strict gun control laws and legalized gay marriage about a decade ago. And they seem to be surviving just fine.
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This week, (July 1-3) is the 150th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. Which means in the Senate, they’re bracing for yet another retelling of John McCain’s first hand experiences.
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This “Stunning Upset at Wimbledon” headline is turning into tennis’s version of “Groundhog Day.”
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Open note to future Bachelorettes: In a time when “reality show star” is not an oxymoron, and you have 24 men who supposedly are interested in romance on national tv, you are a fool if you don’t figure up front at least several of them in it for the “wrong reasons.”
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Two defensive starters on Texas A&M’s football team were charged with misdemeanor assault over the weekend. And Roger Goodell is thinking “Thank God they weren’t already drafted.
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Apparently 5 NBA teams are vying to sign Greg Oden. Easier to offer free-agent contract when healthcare costs will be covered by Medicare.
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Edward Snowden is now blaming the Obama administration for making him a “stateless person.” Uh, and Snowden’s running away and refusing to stay in (or return to) the U.S. had nothing to do with it…. Right.
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Tough few weeks for #SFGiants. But finally good news: The #LADodgers are reportedly getting Carlos Marmol from the Chicago Cubs.
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Kansas Rep. Tim Huelskamp introduced legislation late Friday to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage. In these tough times, isn’t it great to know that Congress is really focused on the issues that matter most to Americans?
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So with the “new” Yahoo Mail there are regular error messages saying a message cannot be sent, and a draft cannot be saved. Today the function to search old emails is down. Now I see why Marisa Mayer didn’t want people working from home…. using internal mail isn’t a reliable way to communicate.
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Rick Perry is decrying “mob rule” that kept his abortion bill from passing. Now Wendy Davis is saying that’s she’s considering a run for Governor in 2014. Will it be “mob rule” when Texans vote her in and him out?
Of course as my friend Tom Dodd says -”
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The latest Vegas odds have the Chicago Cubs as 500-1 to win the 2013 World Series. Have to figure whoever decided that was an idealistic Cubs fan.
Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, 41, just died from ovarian cancer. Her mother and grandmother died of the same disease. Would Melissa Ethridge still like to criticize Angelina Jolie’s decision?
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This whole Dwight Howard circus is a lot of ado about a guy with the free throw skills of Shaquille O’Neal and the decision-making ability of Brett Favre.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachelorette jokes, Canada jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, Snowden jokes, Wimbledon jokes
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Left Coast Sports Babe 