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Coming soon, the TSA strip club?

May 8, 2012

The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….

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If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.

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Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030,  42% of Americans will be obese.  And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S  beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?

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A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.

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SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”

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Not a good day for the Giants all around.  As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance.  Considering that his ERA is 5.06,  maybe Mota’s defense is that  with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.

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Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”

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Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. –

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(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)

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The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?

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The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.

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Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.

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A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.

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Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.

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This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.

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Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.

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John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”

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Morning after:

May 7, 2012

May 5 was Cinco de Mayo. May 6 for many Americans was “I’m never drinking tequila again” day.

 

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Talk about the worst of times and the best of times: Baltimore DH Chris Davis went 0-8 at the plate today, then came in and pitched a scoreless 17th to get the win for the Orioles over the Boston Red Sox today.

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Albert Pujols finally got his first home run in the AL. The Angels hope they each don’t end up as expensive as Zito’s wins have been for the Giants.

 

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A former asst vice chancellor at UC Berkeley, has been fired after doubling the salary of her male subordinate,  17 years younger than she was, during their 15-month affair.    Well, I guess equality in the workplace does mean the opportunity for women to be as stupid as men.

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George Lindsey, who played Goober Pyle on “The Andy Griffith Show,” has died. Okay, wonder who in heaven is getting that talking dog ready.

 

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Men’s Health magazine has listed the “Smuttiest Cities in America,” based on the number of adult-entertainment stores and the rate of internet porn searches. And #1 is — Orlando. Well, guess dads have to do something after those long days at Disney World.

 

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Apparently the National Christmas Tree located on the White House lawn has died. Waiting for the first Republican to blame Obama. Or at least Bo.

(As my friend Ian says,  just proves what they’ve been saying, ” Obama hates Christmas.”)

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“Were Ronald Reagan in office today, some Republicans would start looking for a ‘real’ conservative to challenge him in a primary.” Another quote from a liberal, right? Well actually former GOP governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Chipper Jones, 40, is mad at Jamie Moyer, 49, for accusing him of stealing signs. I guess this episode is baseball’s version of “Grumpy Old Men.”

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Charles Barkley, referring to Mitt Romney “We’re going to beat you like a drum in Nov. Don’t take it personally. You seem like a nice guy, but you’re going down, bro.” Sir Charles may or may not be right, but it’s probably the first time anyone has referred to Mitt Romney as “bro.”

 

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Finally, Bill Littlejohn, on Jared Weaver breaking a tradition of not leaving your teammates during a possible no-hit bid by going to the bathroom in the eighth inning: “Thus, this becomes the first no-hitter ever pitched in relief.”

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Ran for the Roses.

May 6, 2012

One of the points of Kentucky Derby day appears to be to drink enough mint juleps to make those hats look good.

 

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So maybe “I’ll Have Another” won’t win the Triple Crown.  But he also won’t get arrested, won’t give a stupid interview, and all his illegitimate children will at least be conceived deliberately.

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You cannot make this stuff up: On Cinco de Mayo, a Mexican jockey wins the Kentucky Derby in his first try – aboard “I’ll Have Another.”

 

 

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Mormons are different: Mitt Romney’s son Tagg and his wife just welcomed twins conceived through IVF and born to a surrogate. Well, they can afford it, and infertility is rough no matter what your wealth. But the boys are their 5th and 6th children….

 

A thought about Mitt Romney’s son Tagg’s two new twin boys, born by IVF and a surrogate. So what do pro-life folks do with the extra embryos?

 

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Two of the three hikers held in Iran after they accidentally hiked across the Iran-Iraq border are getting married. Hope they are registered for a GPS.

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Shaquille O’Neal received his doctorate in education today from Barry University in Florida. Putting him about 7 1/2 years of university ahead of most college stars today.

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“The Avengers” had the second highest opening day in history with a $80 million take Friday. When asked what they thought of the plot, millions of moviegoers responded “Plot?”

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Okay, for fans of useless baseball trivia. Madison Bumgarner, 22, got a hit and RBI today for the Giants, Jamie Moyer, 49, got a hit, and scored a run for the Rockies. Is this the biggest gap in age ever for two pitchers getting a hit on the same day?

 

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The Angels gave Albert Pujols the night off.   Meaning he contributed as much to their offense as he has on an average night this season.

 

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The original line in “My Old Kentucky Home” is “Tis summer, the darkies are gay.” Now it’s sung “Tis summer, the people are gay.” Amazed being Kentucky, that they haven’t changed it to “the people are happy.”

 

Some buzz on the internet about a man taking pictures as his wife was attacked by cheetahs in a petting pen in South Africa. (The women survived with relatively minor injuries.) But uh, “cheetahs” and “petting pen?” Those are two words that maybe should not be used in the same sentence.

 

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The most exciting two minutes in sports?

May 5, 2012

Today, the first Saturday in May,  is the Kentucky Derby.  For over a 100 years  known as the “Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.”

And the Derby still beats out contenders for that  title, like

“How long the Cubs’ playoff hopes last each year.”

“The length of most NBA players’ relationship with their baby-mamas.”

“The time it takes for David Ortiz to run from home to first.”

etc.  (other suggestions encouraged.)

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Lillian Musial died today at the age of 91.   She was married to Stan Musial for 71 years.  To put that in perspective,  that’s about 350 times the length of Kim Kardashian’s last marriage.

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Mariano Rivera, 42, says he will return to MLB from his ACL injury.   ” And why shouldn’t Mariano make it back?   Especiially since he’s such a young man”  -said Jamie Moyer.

The big news Friday from the PGA Wells Fargo Championship was that Tiger Woods has missed the cut this week. Golf fans should stand by for weekend television coverage of what Tiger is doing after missing the cut.

 

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The Saints are in trouble, the Secret Service is in trouble. Moral of the stories? Violence and sex are okay, as long as you don’t pay for them.

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John Edwards apparently referred to his mistress Rielle Hunter as “crazy.” Once again, the two sound perfect for each other.

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MCA of the Beastie Boys has passed away at the age of 47. It’s always way too young to die as a musician when people older than you have no clue about your music.

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Rick Perry says if Mitt Romney doesn’t win “God help us.” And God is thinking, wait a minute, I’m already working on helping Texas survive your being Governor.

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The Bill Buckner ball from the 1986 World Series just sold at auction for over $400,000. Have to wonder if the new buyer promptly dropped it?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Comments: 5 Comments

Love and marriage

May 4, 2012

Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn’t even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage.

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Chris Harrison, the host of TV’s “Bachelor/Bachelorette” has split from his wife of 19 years. Wow, if anyone is an expert on the grass not being greener…

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Chris Bosh was  uncertain for the Heat’s game 3 against the Knicks as his wife gave birth to a son early Thursday morning. Shocking. An NBA player had a baby with his WIFE?

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Michele Bachmann endorsed Mitt Romney on Thursday. Guess Michele’s trying to prove that even though she didn’t get the nomination, she’s still capable of making those tough decisions

Mariano Rivera has sustained a knee injury and could be out for the season. From all accounts he’s a nice guy. Still, “What bad luck, I’d hate to see that keep them out of the playoffs,” said no one who isn’t a Yankees fan.

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Snooki has called the “tanorexic” mother crazy for putting her five year old daughter in a tanning booth. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the carrot calling the pumpkin orange.

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A shareholder discovered that new Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson lied about having a bachelor’s degree in computer science. Wonder if he found the information on Google.

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The number of people seeking unemployment benefits fell last week by the most in nearly a year, which economists say is a hopeful sign that hiring could pick up in coming months. Think it’s time for another look at Obama’s birth certificate.

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Jeremy Lin said about his knee that “It doesn’t look good for game 4.”    Neither do the Knicks.

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Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, is now expecting an (unplanned) daughter with his current girlfriend. He says they plan to name her “”Breeze Beretta.” — Beretta “like the gun.” To quote Church Lady “Well, isn’t that special.”

(My friend Michael M. adds “One more of those and Levi could get a job in the NBA.”)

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Notre Dame QB Tommy Rees, 19, is in jail following his arrest for resisting police, felony battery to law enforcement, and public intoxication following a confrontation with police during a party last night. Insert “Fighting Irish” joke here:

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Just one of us.

May 3, 2012

Ann Romney wore a $1,000 blouse on television Thursday. Although the designer said it was an off-the-rack item and not one that was especially made for her. So can’t imagine how Ann is getting an increasingly out-of-touch reputation.

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Congrats to Jared Weaver of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on his no-hitter tonight. And he didn’t even get to pitch against Albert Pujols.-

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Magic Johnson says the Los Angeles Dodgers will reduce the price for general game parking from $15 to $10. Makes sense. $15 seemed a little steep for the 90 minutes or so between the third and seventh innings.

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Spirit Airlines has long charged for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. Now in November travelers who don’t pay that fee until they get to the gate to $100 PER bag. Well, the new policy may cut down on boarding time. If it doesn’t result in arrests for assaulting airline employees.-

 

Zito vs. Zambrano Tuesday night at A T & T Park.   Darn shame they couldn’t have  had the national anthem done by Z.Z.Top.

 

Newt Gingrich finally dropped out of the Presidential race. What is it about this man never knowing when to quit – unless a marriage is involved?

 

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Rick Perry said today that God forgives people for their “oops” moments. Makes sense, Perry might be one of God’s “oops” moments

 

Amar’e Stoudemire said it “wasn’t like I had a closed fist and just punched through the glass. I just walked by, wanted to make some noise, swung my arm, hit the fire extinguisher door….” So his defense is that he was dumber than he was angry?

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Oil Can Boyd says he used cocaine every day when he pitched for the Red Sox in 1986, a year he won 16 games in 1986 with a 3.78 ERA. Talk about things going better with Coke.

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The story last week on new Romney advisor Richard Grenell was that he had scrubbed hundreds of anti-women tweets. Today Grenell resigned, apparently over conservative ire that he was openly gay. So the message is clear: You can attack women all you want, as long as you sleep with them..

 

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On a serious note, while no one knows for sure what led to Junior Seau’s reported suicide, it does seem as if playing NFL football is increasingly bad for your physical and mental health. 

If the league is serious about protecting players, two suggestions: 1. Steroid suspensions have to be at least for a season. 2. Illegal hits that injure an opposing player should result in a suspension for the length of the injury, or the season. Otherwise the bounty punishments are just window dressing. IMHO. 

And R.I.P. Junior.

 

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Well hidden

May 2, 2012

Ann Romney says of Mitt that “There’s a wild and crazy man inside of there.” Right, and Hillary Clinton says there’s a monogamous man inside of Bill.

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Newt Gingrich said that it’s “clear Romney is the nominee and the focus should be on defeating Obama. We should not focus on defeating ourselves.” Surprised he didn’t add about the latter sentence “For my part, been there, done that.”

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Facebook has a new way to share your organ donation status with your friends, and link to state databases where you can sign up online. And if you use the app while driving, it may get you to donor status quicker.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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John McCain, when asked if President Obama’s surprise trip to Afghanistan was a political move, responded, “Well I think it’s a good thing, I think it’s always good when the pres. goes to where our young men and women are in harm’s way.” Well, that ought to be enough for some in the GOP to brand McCain as a RINO.

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Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have said their reality show “Khloe and Lamar” is going on “hiatus” while they take a “little time off for family time, kids, basketball, Olympics, you never know.” Millions of Americans responded, great move. Come back when you have grown grandchildren.

The Dow closed at a four year high today. And over at Romney headquarters someone is going “Quick, someone find out what other pet-type animal Obama ate when he was a child in Indonesia.”

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Albert Pujols’ homerless drought continues: I blame Obama.

All these May Day demonstrations come just days before Cinco de Mayo. If the Occupy and Labor folks really wanted to call positive attention to the day they’d hand out free margaritas.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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Regarding a top ten list for  next week,  I’m looking for non-original comments this time  – the most unintentionally funny line of the week.  Things like Joe Biden saying Obama has a “big stick”, or  Ann Romney saying her husband is a “wild and crazy guy.”    Just suggest lines in comments along with who said it.

Not quite a top 10 on new names for Metta World Peace.  To quote Gary Radnich, ‘nobody cares.”

But five good ones.

5. Anonymous:  Metta WWF Peace.

4.  Scott Ostler:  World Peace LOL

3. Mr. Irrevelant.

2. From PBen :  “Meh, World Peace.”

1. From Gary Bachman:  NucleArtest

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Mayday!

May 1, 2012

Amar’e Stoudemire apparently punched a glass fire extinguisher after the New York Knicks’ loss to Miami. He did as well against the glass as his team did against the Heat.

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Stoudemire’s self-inflicted cut hand probably means he’s done for the season. Now, New Yorkers are used to sports embarrassment this time of year. But usually the Mets are involved.

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Are they going to have to change all the signs on fire extinguishers at arenas across America? In case of loss, don’t break glass?

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What’s the difference between Albert Pujols and Amar’e Stoudemire this spring? Stoudemire has at least proved he can hit with power.

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The SF Giants are off to another start of great pitching and so-so hitting. But haven’t heard too much from those fans who wanted them to make a run at Albert Pujols.

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Today is the last day of April. Which means NBA fans can only look forward to two more months of playoffs.

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NBA fans still shaking their heads at the Grizzlies blowing a 27 point lead against the Clippers. What’s more amazing, a team played that badly down the stretch, and Lebron James wasn’t involved.

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Regarding all these May-Day protests, one of which will shut down some morning commuter ferries in the San Francisco area: Now, I’m generally supportive of workers over big corporations, but is it really the way to build support for your cause by making it more difficult for other working men and women to get to their jobs?
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The Charlotte Bobcats, whose 7-59 record was the first in NBA history, will not renew coach Paul Silas’ contract. But if the Bobcats really wanted to punish Silas, they would have had him coach a few more years.

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NBA commissioner David Stern was asked if he thinks all the major injuries this year, including Derrick Rose’s ACL tear, had anything to do with the lockout caused condensed schedule. “”I don’t think it’s related at all. Zero.” What’s next, Stern proclaiming players really don’t smoke pot or father out-oft-wedlock children either?

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Munich police arrested a man after he tried to pay for a taxi ride with marijuana because he was not carrying any cash. Silly guy, that only works in California.

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Kim Kardashian now apparently wants to become a comedy star. It’ s not enough for her that’s she’s already a punchline?
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A report says that the Tigers’ Delmon Young will be suspended by MLB for his alleged involvement in a New York fight and anti-Semitic remarks. Wonder if Young will use his free time to take in a few Mel Gibson movies?

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The GOP is accusing President Obama of exploiting the 1-year anniversary of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden for political purposes. Right, and if Seal Team Six had failed, I am sure Republicans would have never have mentioned it.

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House of Ill-Repute?

April 29, 2012

After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the Secret Service from visiting “non-reputable” establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter the House and Senate?

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Not saying Lindsay Lohan has aged but she looks too old for consideration as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.

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Newt Gingrich now says he will end his Presidential campaign Wednesday. Newt’s announcement had been planned for Tuesday but both his supporters couldn’t make it.

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Ah pitchers. The Rockies placed Jeremy Guthrie on the DL after he hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Was he trying to chew gum at the same time?

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Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom (Mr. Etch a Sketch) now says that President Obama’s auto bailout was Mitt’s idea. Right, because the way to get your bailout ideas out there is with an op-ed headline “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.”

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LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, who became a couple when they were both married to other people, renewed their vows for their first wedding anniversary. Wonder if it was meant as a renewal or a reminder?

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A Polish dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he showed up for an appointment after he dumped her. Were her parting words “Bite Me?”
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Yet another example of why President Obama will win the women’s vote: At Ft. Stewart: “For the gentlemen out there who are not yet married, let me just explain to you: Your goal is to improve your gene pool by marrying somebody who is superior to you.”

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How could anyone think Mitt Romney doesn’t get it….. At a small university in Ohio he told students “We’ve always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents..

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On the clock.

April 26, 2012

The NFL is thinking about suspending the Pro Bowl. “That’s such a shame,” said absolutely nobody.

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Even though the NFL plans to suspend the Pro Bowl they intend to keep the balloting. So stars can get picked without actually really playing a game. Doesn’t sound much different than the status quo.

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In one of the most anticlimactic announcements of the year, Andrew Luck was the #1 draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts. Asked today what his favorite part of college was, Luck responded “Beating Cal!” Go Cardinal.

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The Ottawa Senators today became the last Canadian team eliminated from the NHL playoffs, thereby assuring that the 1992-93 Montreal Canadians remain the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup.

Canada in a two-decade hockey championship drought? This is like the U.S. having a two-decade drought in hot-dog eating.

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Watching NFL draft and wondering how many of these guys will be taking a pay cut next year?

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In Redwood City, California, the Daily News reports a 10th grader’s parents are suing the school district for kicking him out of an honors class for copying another kid’s homework They say his “due process rights were violated” because the school’s rules are “vague and contradictory.” Can’t imagine how the kid got that sense of entitlement.

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Newly-acquired and highly-touted New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda is out for the year. The Yankees are reacting the same way many wealthy New York women might react to a broken Christian Louboutin heel – “Well that s*cks, but time to go shopping.”

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Amongst other craziness tonight the Washington Generals, er, Wizards, beat the “Big Three”-less Heat by 34. And the Sacramento Kings beat the Kobe-less Lakers by 17. Proving again that the NBA should have offered these last games of the year at pre-season prices. Or lower.

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Boy Scout officials in Ohio have removed a popular Tiger Scouts (1st graders) den mother because she is a lesbian. Parents are protesting. And really, if these idiots are that worried about abuse, wouldn’t a lesbian be the safest leader around small boys?

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Not sure if the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff’s struggles on the field contributed to his going on the DL with an anxiety disorder. But on the bright side Huff has one more home run in 2012 than Aubert Pujols.

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Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is warning of a barrage of anti-Romney ads, saying ” Obama didn’t have to run a primary so he’s sitting on a stack of money so tall that a show dog couldn’t jump over it,” Well, especially a show dog who’s been cramped in a crate on a car roof so his legs are out of shape….

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Newt Gingrich said today that his “campaign will go bye-bye.” The man is 68 years old and he says “Bye-bye?” Who does he think he is talking to, one of his soon to be ex-wives?

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Bobby Valentine apparently started out with the wrong lineup for a game against the Twins, because he misread an iPhone app and thought a right-handed pitcher was a lefty. Sigh. There may not be beer in the Red Sox clubhouse, but sounds like Boston will be selling plenty in the stands.

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A dispute between rival hot dog vendors in downtown Albuquerque resulted in one vendor running over another with his cart. Insert “size of weiners” joke here.

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Expect the unexpected.

April 26, 2012

Okay, about a month into the season who had the San Francisco Giants’ best starter being…. Barry Zito? Now okay, all you liars put your hands down.

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President Obama says that Mitt Romney isn’t going to be able to suddenly say, ‘Everything I’ve said for the last six months, I didn’t mean.’ And Mitt is thinking “Wanna bet?”

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Burger King, trying to differentiate themselves from their competitors, has vowed to use only cage-free chicken and pork in their food by 2017. Maybe they’d get more business if they promised to use those cages in their restaurants on some children.

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Folks in Arkansas are still pretty upset about the Bobby Petrino scandal. I mean, what was their coach doing in a car kissing a pretty young thing? And she wasn’t even his relative.

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And we wonder how lawyers get a bad reputation. In 2007 the Cosco Busan ship dumped over 50,000 gallons of oil into SF Bay after hitting the Bay Bridge. Attorneys for the owners are suing the Long’s (now CVS) pharmacy since they say it is partially their fault for giving the pilot his prescription medications.

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The Supreme Court seems sympathetic to Arizona’s immigration law. “What does government mean if it doesn’t allow states to defend its borders,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. Hmm, does that mean California can defend ourselves against those who don’t like, for example, our medical marijuana laws?

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The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. The perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/collections/all

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Thanks to Marc Ragovin for this insight, “how ironic that a black man sent Tim Thomas packing.”

And really, coincidence, or karma being one smart b*tch? Boston Bruins star goalie Tim Thomas turned down a visit to the White House for what he said were political reasons. And the Washington Capitals’ Joel Ward, one of the few black players in the NHL,  scored the series winning goal.

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Get out your hankies – Ann Romney in 1994, about her college years with Mitt:. “We were happy, studying hard. Neither one of us had a job, because Mitt had enough of an investment from stock that we could sell off a little at a time.” We “walked to class together, shared housekeeping, had a lot of pasta and tuna fish and learned hard lessons.”

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Mississippi’s Governor said today that Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children.” Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage?

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Back to sports: My latest little Top Ten readers list. (Since ESPN.com is still evaluating whether they want to bring the list back.) Looking for suggestions, now that he’s been suspended for that violent hit, and has some time on his hand, what’s your suggestion for a good new name for Metta World Peace?

Will post my favorites next Monday night.

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Follow the money.

April 25, 2012

Mitt Romney’ s website states “We have a moral responsibility, not to spend more than we take in.” Although Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he’s following that old W. axiom “money spent on wars doesn’t count.”

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The Golden State Warriors, who lose their draft pick to Utah if it’s not a lottery pick, are on the cusp of winning just enough games to probably finish out of that lottery. On the other hand, at least Warriors fans won’t be disappointed again by a another lousy pick.

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A case of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in California. Let’s hear it again from Mitt Romney how he wants to cut the FDA food inspection budget by 5-20 percent.

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That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants – World Peace is available!
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Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking “Dude, give it up already.

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No one quite knows why Newt Gingrich finally is saying he might drop out of the Presidential race. Maybe someone said he was wedded to the idea of running?

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Starbucks is going to open store at Disney theme parks in California and Florida. Makes sense. These are some of the few places in the world where their coffee will look like a bargain by comparison.

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The BCS is looking at a plan to have a 4 team playoff, with the big BCS bowl games played around January 1. New Year’s Day bowl games?! What a radical concept!

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A new survey of over 1,000 passengers claims the most popular seat on an average flight in economy class is 6a. Clearly “the furthest seat possible away from a screaming infant” was not an option.

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President Obama today to Jimmy Fallon about the Secret Service scandal “”What these guys were thinking, I don’t know.” Uh, Mr. President, that’s the point. They weren’t thinking. At least with their upper brains.

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How old is Jamie Moyer?

April 24, 2012

As promised, or threatened, as the ageless wonder goes to break his own record Tuesday for the oldest pitcher ever to win a MLB game, here are a top 10 of “How old is Jamie Moyer?”

10. from my son Carey, no nepotism here… Jamie Moyer is so old than Cy Young once won a Jamie Moyer award.

9. Jamie is so old, instead of a bobblehead, the Rockies will honor him this season by offering the first 20,000 fans in attendance a pair of Moyer reading glasses.

8. Gary M. Jamie Moyer is so old that when asked what’s been the toughest obstacle he’s faced in his long career, Moyer answered, “Prohibition.

7. Dana H. Jamie Moyer is so old, when asked if he twitters he replies that he has no desire to sound like a bird.

6. Jamie Moyer is so old, the Rockies are afraid he’ll quit mid-season to spend more time with his grandchildren.

5. Chris C. He’s the first pitcher to have his pitches timed by radar gun, stop watch and someone counting Mississippi’s.

4. Jamie Moyer is so old, writing jokes about him is like shooting fish in a barrel, with a musket.

3. The spacebug. Prior to the invention of grocery stores, Jamie Moyer learned to pitch by throwing rocks at squirrels for supper.

2. Marc R. Jamie Moyer is so old, that as he labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inning. Literally.”

1. Gary M. Jamie Moyer is so old, his first uniform number was “L.”

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Two Americas. Or at least two lives.

April 23, 2012

Just how low has John Edwards’ reputation fallen? At this point both Democrats and Republicans expect that if he is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, Edwards will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower.

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Infielder Reggie Williams was released by the Twins this April. He’s since tweeted “Why are there so many gay people these days?” and ranted about seeing “the bold act of gayness in public.” Think it’s a safe bet this is one dude who won’t be offered a contract by the San Francisco Giants.

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Commie-pinko quote of the week: “Here you are during a time of the great crisis for this nation…and you say, this is all this great country can offer up? I think boldness is thrown right out the window. I think courage is not on display. I think most Americans are pretty fed up.” The radical speaker? Jon Huntsman. Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School.

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The John Edwards trial starts tomorrow, focused on campaign money he spent on behalf or and/or to cover his adulterous relationship with Rielle Hunter. Who did Edwards think he was? A potential President or an SEC football coach?

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Truly scary thought, had John Kerry won in 2004, could have been our Vice President. With a leg up on the Presidency. So to speak.

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is talked about as a likely V.P. pick for Mitt Romney, except that some perceive him to have flip-flopped on the abortion issue. Well, actually this should make him a perfect fit for Mitt.

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A California man and his family barely escaped without life-threatening injuries when a propane tank in their pickup truck exploded while they were in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru. So for at least one day the most dangerous thing at McDonald’s wasn’t the food.

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Got to love this ESPN headline: “Metta World Peace ejected for violent hit.”

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And hey, if the expected suspension for that hit happens, yep, we’re all going to have to survive without World Peace.

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Last weekend the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, looking towards the playoffs, said “We don’t want to be at our best right now.” Yesterday Wade dislocated a finger and is out indefinitely. Maybe God is a fan of the NBA regular season.

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Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, ““I don’t have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job…the best job (they) can.” Mitt Romney now “There will be an effort, by the quote, vast left-wing conspiracy, to work together to put out their message and attack me.” Good to know Mitt’s as consistent about the media as he is about most things.

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Fenway Fiasco

April 22, 2012

Who knew – on the 100th anniversary weekend of Fenway Park, Boston Red Sox relievers would throw a “Put It On a Tee” Party.

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Or maybe they were commemorating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

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For those who didn’t hear, the Red Sox on Saturday had a 9-0 lead, and the bullpen blew it in less than two innings.

Wonder if manager Bobby Valentine put out an emergency order for a keg?

And anyone watching Sunday night’s “ESPN Game of the Week” will have fun watching Terry Francona try to keep that smirk off his face.

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A new unauthorized biography of Simon Cowell reveals, amongst other things, that the former American Idol judge has had Botox injections. Really, next thing they’ll be trying to tell us is that Cowell is a bit conceited.

(my sister’s comment, you have to admit his breasts look pretty good for a 51 year old.)

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The latest news on the Secret Service Scandal is that Colombian authorities are investigating whether some of the prostitutes involved were underage. Forget morals, looks like some of these guys are too stupid to be in the Secret Service.

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President Obama has now apparently been briefed on the Secret Service scandal. Bill Clinton has offered to help lead the investigation.

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Nebraska CB Alfonzo Dennard, expected to be a 2nd-3rd round NFL pick, was involved in a bar fight and arrested for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. Police say it took four officers to take him into custody. Four officers? Maybe some team should draft him as a kick returner.

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Chuck Colson, Nixon’s “evil genius,” who went to prison for his role in the Watergate conspiracy, has died. In 2000, Gov. Jeb Bush restored Colson’s civil rights so he could vote, sit on a jury, run for office and practice law. And called him “a great guy … a great Floridian.” Just imagine the GOP and/or Fox News if a similar sort of pardon had come from Obama.

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Trivia for the day: Phil Humber, who just pitched a perfect game for the White Sox, was the winning pitcher for Rice against Stanford in the 2003 College World Series title game.

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Still looking for “How old is Jamie Moyer?” jokes…. will post on Monday.

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Semantic Saturday

April 21, 2012

Mass. Senator Scott Brown said he’s given up alcohol until the election, and hasn’t had anything to drink since Jan. 1. But last week he was sampling beer with a reporter at a small brewery. Guess it depends what the definition of drink is.

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One of the Secret Service agents who has resigned in the recent prostitute scandal formerly supervised the agency’s canine training unit near D.C. Well, it takes a dog to know a dog.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun inside the museum today. Was he dreaming of being a New York Jet?

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Sarah Palin is upset because a Secret Service man said he was “checking her out.” Another thing that wouldn’t have happened under Bill Clinton. Then checking out women was the President’s job.

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Well, if nothing else we’ve learned one thing this week – it’s time for the Secret Service to increase their recruitment of women.

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GOP Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels said this week that Mitt Romney’s White House campaign was too negative, saying “You have to campaign to govern, not just to win.” Showing again why Daniels was about as likely as Jon Huntsman to make to through a Republican primary.

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Regarding the mini-controversy about the Secret Secret agent who was “checking out” Sarah Palin – have to think the McCain campaign wishes they had checked her out a little more before putting her on the ticket,

An Oxnard, California teacher who was fired for her work as a porn actress has hired a lawyer to fight her dismissal. Hundreds of fathers rushed to her defense, saying “We need to see more evidence.”

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NCAA president Mark Emmert, finding the positive in the scandals that have resulted in the firing of so many big-time coaches. . “You’re seeing boards of directors, of trustees, presidents and ADs saying ‘You know you’ve done a great job here. We love you. We pay you really well. You get all this adoration. You’ve got to live by the rules.'” Or at least not get caught.

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And really, regarding Bobby Petrino, was he really fired for being a douchebag who cheated on his wife and pulled strings to hire his underqualifed 25 year old mistress? Or was he fired in the end for being a lousy motorcycle rider?

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Parents are apparently suing Apple because kids who have their folks’ passwords are racking up big bills buying game add-ons while playing ostensibly free iPhone games. Uh, wouldn’t it be simpler not to give your child your password in the first place?

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US Airways is moving closer to a merger with American Airlines. In hopes of actually proving that two wrongs can make a right.

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Fenway Park is 100 years old today. Wow. When it opened those “Cubs World Champions” shirts had barely faded at all.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A ten-year old boy at an Indianapolis Olive Garden was accidentally served a fruit daiquiri with rum instead of the smoothie he had ordered. Shocking, there’s an Olive Garden that actually puts rum in their fruit daiquiris?

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Dwight Howard will have season-ending surgery. Which means for the Magic he will now definitely be about as much of a factor as they expected in the playoffs.

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And Howard allegedly said before his injury that he would never play again for coach Van Gundy. Maybe God thought “that can be arranged.”

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Still looking for some top ten “How old is Jamie Moyer” suggestions.

The ageless one is pitching Monday. So technically shouldn’t every time Moyer pitches be “Turn back the Clock” night?

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Red, red, whine…..

April 20, 2012

After an outcry from vegans, Starbucks is changing its Strawberry Soy Frappucino recipe to eliminate a common red dye made from crushed cochineal bugs, in favor of a tomato-based extract. Here’s a radical idea, what about using strawberries?

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Newt Gingrich is apparently still getting Secret Service protection. Although at this point the security detail has been reduced to three people. Curiously, that’s about as many as his remaining supporters.”

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An Alabama football player has been hospitalized following a fight where shots were fired. What’s was the kid doing, trying to get on the draft radar for the Cincinnati Bengals?

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The Colts have apparently told Andrew Luck he’ll be their #1 pick. In related news a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

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Carnival-owned Princess Cruises doing an internal investigation because one of their ships allegedly ignored a small boat in distress and two men died. Will the captain’s defense be that he just thought it was another Costa captain who fell into a lifeboat?

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About 50 students at Berkeley High School in California will be suspended and two or three expelled for a scheme where they got into the school’s computer and were able to change their attendance record for several months. Wonder how many high tech companies have offered the kids who were involved jobs?

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Bud Selig said today that the Oakland A’s need a new stadium to survive, but he has “no timetable” for the resolution of their territorial rights issue with the Giants, an issue Selig formed a “blue ribbon committee” for over 3 years ago. Even Brett Favre is saying “Make up your bleeping minds.”

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Arkansas AD Jeff Long says he has 25 pages of detailed notes from ex-coach Petrino and Jessica Dorrell about their relationship. Now court documents say John Edwards’ trial will include “intimate voice-mail messages” between him and Rielle Hunter. Which of these wins the TMI award?

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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino told his boss that his affair with Jessica Dorrell only began last fall when they were sitting in a car eating lunch and she said “are you going to kiss me?” Where’s the “Just say No” campaign when you need it.

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Petrino said his affair with Jessica Dorrell lasted about 5 months and was over in February. Right. Nothing says a relationship is over like a secret motorcycle ride for two at midnight.

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SMU hired Larry Brown as their head men’s basketball coach. Brown, 71, hasn’t coached since he looked over-the-hill in 2010 and left the Charlotte Bobcats with a 9-19 record. Considering the Bobcats this year are 7-54, Larry now looks like a genius by comparison.

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Obama re-election campaign offering supporters a chance to enter a raffle for dinner with the President and Georgy Clooney. Wonder if Romney campaign will counter with a raffle for Mitt and Ted Nugent?

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A Delta Airlines flight leaving JFK Airport today hit a flock of birds and had to return for an emergency landing. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the birds.

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The way the San Jose Sharks playing Thursday night looks like someone pulled the plug on their power plays.

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The Vatican is blasting the “Leadership Conference of Women Religious”, a U.S. group they say sponsors conferences that feature “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith,” including supporting Obamacare. The members of this “liberal” group? 55,000 American nuns..

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From Marc Ragovin: “As Jamie Moyer labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inining. Literally.”

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And open note to readers. ESPN.com has decided to put their fun weekly Top 10 Readers Lines on a given subject on hiatus at least for a while. So to very partially fill in the hole, I’m going to try a few Top 10’s on this blog. First week – “10 ten signs lines about how old Jamie Moyer is” Reader suggestions encouraged in comments. Aiming for Monday morning post.

(and yes, I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a musket.)

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Not so Secret Service?

April 19, 2012

All these folks accusing the Secret Service of Clinton-like behavior…. Get real, Bill never needed to pay for it.

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Is the Secret Service scandal embarrassing? Heck yes. But as noted on their website “Secret Service special agents spend their first 6 to 8 years on the job assigned to a field office. After their field experience, agents usually are transferred to a protective detail where they will stay for 3 to 5 years.” Means Obama admin. didn’t hire these dudes. It’s not a political issue, it’s a stupidity issue…

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And for those who say, “Who cares what these guys do after hours?” Well, leaving aside blackmail possibilities, remember, or Google, the “Profumo affair.”

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For that rare trivia overlap between baseball and hockey. how about the Senators-Rangers series? Because the 1961 Washington Senators actually are now the Texas Rangers. (You could look it up.)

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Mitt Romney said today he would “strengthen fellow Americans because I believe very fundamentally remaining a shining city on a hill.” So that’s Nixon and Reagan in one sentence, how did he leave out “Thousand points of light” and “Is our children learning?”

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John Edwards, infamous for his $400 haircuts, may not be as wealthy as he used to be. According to the New York Post, Edwards is now going to Supercuts for $12.95 trims. What a shame, said absolutely no one.

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For the 100th anniversary of Fenway Park on Friday the Yankees will wear uniforms modeled after their 1912 uniforms as the New York Highlanders. Curiously enough, 1912 might also have been the last year the Yankees’ payroll was under $100 million.

(t’s a shame that the Red Sox aren’t playing the Rockies. Moyer probably can still fit into his 1912 uniform.)

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Ah, who’s to stay the NCAA doesn’t crack down on the premier programs. They just announced the Toledo men’s basketball team will be banned from next year’s postseason because of past academic problems. The Toledo Rockets were last in the NCAA tournament in 1980.

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Now that Rick Santorum is out of the Presidential race, guess we won’t hear him pronounce that having men in the Secret Service obviously leads to “compromising situations?

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Mitt Romney said he’d “clean house” in the Secret Service and suggested a “lack of leadership” led to the scandal. But Mitt also said he has confidence in Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan. Can’t imagine how Romney gets the reputation for wanting to have it both ways.

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A group is suing ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” saying that in 10 years the programs have never had a person of color as the featured person looking for love on air. Hmm. Discrimination? Or just another example helping to shatter the myth of white intellectual superiority.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An article appeared in Ben Maller’s blog entitled ‘How The One Percent Dines at Sporting Events’. Included–they pool their money for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium”

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Jamie Moyer – Golden Oldie.

April 18, 2012

Congrats to Jamie Moyer on his first win of the 2012 season. The lefty thus becomes the first MLB pitcher to have a win transmitted not only on the internet, but also by Morse Code.

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The Braves have announced plans to retire John Smoltz’s number this spring. Assume Smoltz, 47, will get a gold watch. Presumably when some team retires Jamie Moyer’s number they will give him a gold sundial?

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Not only did Americans not win the Boston Marathon, there was only one U.S. runner in each of the men and women’s top ten. What was this, an academic competition?

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Kentucky’s starting five players on their National Champion men’s basketball team (three freshman and two sophomores) have all announced they will enter this year’s NBA draft. Call me old-fashioned but it would be nice if when these schools hang the banner there was at least one player around in the fall to see it.

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A Texas company had to recall t-shirts because they featured an “SEC” logo over a partial U.S. map. But they left Missouri, new to the SEC, off the map, and included North Carolina, which is not a member. Hmm, assume the apparel firm was founded by former SEC student-athletes?

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During his suspension, New Orleans coach Sean Payton will be banned from all NFL contact. Washington fans watching this bounty mess are hoping against hope that Redskins owner Dan Snyder will somehow be implicated.

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Ted Nugent spoke to the NRA last week and compared Obama to a coyote that needs to be shot, and said if the President is re-elected “I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Which means Nugent is now getting more Secret Service attention than anyone who’s not a Columbian prostitute.

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An ABC News report says Secret Service agents accused of misconduct with prostitutes in Columbia were bragging at a nightclub by saying they worked for Obama. This would never have happened under Clinton, he would have been right there beside them.

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Kim Kardashian has now said she intends to run for mayor of Glendale, Calif. Fortunately for the good citizens of the city, her campaign will only last 72 days.

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In jury selection for Roger Clemens’ perjury trial, several prospective jurors questioned the value of Congressional hearings on the steroids issue in the first place. Well, it’s not like there are any more pressing issues Congress has to deal with….

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A labor dispute may result in the liquidation of Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies and HoHos. In related news, U.S. obesity figures are expected to drop at least 5%.

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For most Americans, April 17 was Tax Day. For the Romneys, it was “File-an-Extension-For-The-Taxes-You-Won’t-Pay-Much-of-Anyway Day.”

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Flip flop alert: Chris Christie, who has repeatedly said he doesn’t want to be vice president, now says if he gets called he “will sit down and talk to Gov. Romney about it.”. Run with Mitt Romney? Sounds like he’s trying to be Mitt Romney.

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There might be gambling in Casablanca too.

April 17, 2012

Secret service men screw around, football players try to injure each other. Next thing someone will be trying to tell us is that there are still performance enhancing drugs in baseball..

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Lincecum 0-2 after another really rough first inning. Is prescription medical marijuana allowed by rules of MLB?? Let Timmy smoke!

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Mitt Romney, in an interview with Diane Sawyer, was asked about putting his dog Seamus on the car roof, specifically “would you do it again?” His response “Certainly not with the attention it’s received.” In other words, “Well maybe, if I could figure out how to do it with no one finding out.”

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New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said this weekend that he didn’t think Boston fan favorite Kevin Youkilis was “as physically or emotionally into the game.” What’s next? Valentine saying he loves and respects the Yankees?

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The Patriot-News in Harrisburg, PA won a Pulitzer for local reporting for breaking the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. Wonder if the Pulitzer people will wait 10 years to give them the award.

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Vin Scully, 84, has recovered from his severe and is back in the booth at Dodger Stadium. He hopes to call all the team’s remaining home games, especially the upcoming May 11-13 Rockies series, when he can see that “nice young man” Jamie Moyer pitch.

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Mitt Romney this weekend said that “Fox News has been good to me.” In related news, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

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SF Giants have signed Madison Bumgarner to a contract extension through 2017. By the time the contract is up MadBum will almost be old enough to drink.

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Got to love the San Francisco Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, 22, from a small town in North Carolina. Asked what he was going to do with all that money after signing a 5 year $35 million contract, he paused, and then responded. “I don’t know. Maybe buy more cows?.”

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The silly season continues. The Wisc. Democratic Party. has filed a complaint alleging Mitt Romney violated bribery laws in handing out free sub sandwiches during the GOP primary while encouraging people to go vote. (The law forbids gifts valued at more than $1 in exchange for a vote.) Romney is laughing it off. But if the Obama campaign starts giving out food, prepare for a Congressional investigation.

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Notre Dame has long had an agreement with IMG radio for national broadcasts of all their football games. Now USC announced they have the second such national deal, with ESPN Radio for all of the Trojans’ home games. Once again, can’t imagine how student-athletes get the idea college football is about money.

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This whole Secret Service scandal came to light over one man not paying his hooker the $47 he owed her. $47?!! This story may not do much for the reputation of the Secret Service, but it’s likely to do wonders for Columbian tourism.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.

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