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Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together…

August 21, 2013

David Cassidy has been arrested again for DUI, the second time in three years. Looks like the former Partridge Family star was been taking “C’mon, get happy” a little too literally.

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There’s now some buzz in the media over whether or not Tim Tebow will make New England’s final roster. The Patriots have to love this – finally some headlines that don’t involve a Brady injury or murder.

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Wow, just wow. A recent survey of Louisiana Republicans asked who was most to blame for the Government response to Katrina. 22% said George W. Bush. 29% said Barack Obama. (No joke. 44% weren’t sure.)

 

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A-Rod says he has told his legal team to shut down the rhetoric with MLB and the Yankees because he’s “just focusing on baseball, just baseball.” Translation: “My lawyers are actually making me look WORSE.”

 

Celebrity Cruise Lines has cancelled four Alaska cruises due to a problem with one of their ship’s motors  Carnival’s response “FINALLY, it’s not us.”

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Imitating the airlines?  Holland America Line is sending out revised invoices because they say “govt fees and taxes are subject to change” and the actual taxes and fees now exceed their estimates.  The increase $4.08 a person.  Probably cost more than that to send the invoice.

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A North Carolina man has been arrested for the third time for giving women unwanted backrubs. What’s his defense? That he someday wants to run for Mayor of San Diego?

 

No word from the NRA after the senseless shooting of a college baseball player in Oklahoma. Half expect someone to say this would not have happened if the young Australian man had been armed.

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Miguel Cabrera played today after appearing to have injured himself again in last night’s game. The Tigers’ star has been playing through a strained lower abdomen, injured hip and banged-up left leg. Gosh, can you imagine how Cabrera would hit if he were healthy?

 

 

So much success in sports is due to the luck of the draw on physical gifts. For the Little League World Series, add to that “the luck of the draw on reaching puberty.”

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Although prosecutors had asked for 60 years, Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35 years for leaking government secrets. After precisely the sort of “fair and open trial” Edward Snowden is in Russia trying to avoid.

 

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Send in the clowns.

April 30, 2013

And so it begins. Tebow is gone but NY Jets GM John Idzik said today that all 5 remaining QBs will have a chance to compete to be the starter. If this keeps up, Barnum and Bailey’s will sue the Jets for unlawfully running a competing circus.–

 

From Lizz Winstead   “Dear Homophobic Male Athletes: Wake up. Where there are gay men, there are always a lot more women.”

Exactly. And they make great wingmen. And they’re the only teammates you can count on not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.

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Then this line from Ellen Degeneres:  “Good line from Ellen DeGeneres about NBA center Jason Collins: “It was especially hard for Jason to come out of the closet because he had to duck”
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Jason Collins’ former fiancee says she had no idea during their 8-year relationship that he was gay. Well, he might be a bit young for her, but Manti T’eo is available.
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From  reader Maaj.  ” Obama called Jason Collins “courageous” and Clinton called him a “good man,” while Kim Kardashian called him her “greatest challenge yet.”
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#WillieNelson is 80. So assume he is singing “To all the girls I loved before. Though I can’t remember who they are….”
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QB Geno Smith fired his agent Jeff Nalley after he wasn’t drafted in the first round. Guess Nalley didn’t show him the money.
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SF Giants come from behind 2-1 victory tonight. In about a third of the time the Oakland A’s took for their win last night.

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Bill O’Reilly said that Fox News “stands alone here in bringing skepticism to the president.” Jon Stewart has reportedly sent O’Reilly a package of Daily Show chopped liver.

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Mitt Romney gave a graduation speech at Southern Virginia University last weekend, and advised them to marry young and have “a quiver full of kids.” And presumably borrow money from your parents to help raise them?

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Paul Ryan says he has changed his mind after voting in 1999 for a same-sex couple adoption ban, and now says he thinks gay couples should be able to adopt children. Translation, Ryan can read the tea leaves and is running for President in 2016.

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Stanford QB Josh Nunes is retiring from football due to “pectoralis major tendon” injury when he accidentally dropped weights on his chest while doing bench presses. Over at the SF Giants, Jeremy Affeldt has been told to stay away from the weight room.

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Two days until the Run for the Roses. Otherwise known to most Americans as their only chance to down several mint juleps in a day.

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If you are reading this.

December 21, 2012

The world hasn’t ended.  So you probably still have to go to work.

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And sorry Cubs fans, you’re going to be disappointed again next year.

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Facebook is testing an option where for $1 you can send a message to someone not on your network, and make sure it goes into their regular inbox. But no worries, those really annoying types many people try to avoid would never waste a whole dollar to reach someone.

I think both Democrats and Republicans can thank heaven this option is being tested after the Presidential election….

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Kim Kardashian is threatening to take her pictures off Instagram over their new photo-sharing policy. Finally, for the beleaguered company some good news….

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Peyton Manning led fan voting for the NFL Pro Bowl. Here’s an idea instead… how about letting Tim Tebow start at QB? It’s a meaningless game, he’s a fan favorite, and he’ll be rested and ready.

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NY Post headline “Tim Tebow’s love affair with the Jets is over.” Although fittingly for the avowed virgin quarterback, that affair was never really consummated.

 

 

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From T.C.   “Tim Tebow may be headed for the CFL next year. Wait til he finds out that it’s not The Christian Football League.”

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President Obama is Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” If Mitt Romney, despite all the positions he took, had won the election, would Time have had to name him “People of the Year?

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Okay, it’s not as good as Senator Stephen Colbert, but South Carolina could have the most entertaining politics in the nation. Former Gov. Mark Sanford is planning to run for the seat that Senate appointee Tim Scott is vacating . Amongst possible opponents? Jenny Sanford, his ex-wife.

 

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John Boehner scrapped “Plan B” because he couldn’t get enough GOP votes. Why do I have a feeling that if Congressional salaries stopped as soon the US got within 2 weeks of the “fiscal cliff” that the Speaker would have a compromise with President Obama by now?

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Sarah Palin, unhappy with Barack Obama being chosen “Person of the Year” said of Time Magazine “I think there’s some irrelevancy there to tell you the truth.” Well, if anyone knows irrelevancy….

 

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Quote of the day from Incoming Texas State Rep. Kyle Kacal: “I’ve heard of people being killed playing pingpong—pingpongs are more dangerous than guns…. Flat-screen TVs are injuring more kids today than anything.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual brilliance of Rick Perry.

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At what point does President Obama get annoyed enough to propose new taxes only on millionaires and orange people?

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You know your Senator is getting old when…. Dianne Feinstein’s daughter Katherine Feinstein, who has been a SF superior court judge, is retiring.

 

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Goodness has nothing to do with it.

November 15, 2012

 

 

 

Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.

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But really?  An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.

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US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.

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The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?

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Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?

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Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”

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Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?

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Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?

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So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.

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United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.

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Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.

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The Blame Game.

August 19, 2012

Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.

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Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.

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IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.

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Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.

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A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark,  after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.

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From Marc Ragovin:   Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages.  Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.

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The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)

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Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?

 

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A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”

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18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.

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Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out,  radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”

ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings.  Especially with the all important younger male demographic.

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Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions.  Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.

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Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.

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A New York state of mind.

March 27, 2012

With the ebb and flow of Lin-sanity and now the Tebow-Sanchez potential made-for-TV drama, there’s good news for some New York fans. For at least some of this spring, the biggest circus in New York may not involve the Mets.

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After watching the Tim Tebow press conference: Have to wonder – the over-under on how many bad Mark Sanchez quarters/games it will take to have fans start screaming “Tebow, Tebow?”

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The U.S. men’s soccer U-23 team officially failed to qualify for the Olympics tonight. Thereby depriving Americans of a chance to scream “USA! USA” again this summer for a sport most otherwise don’t care about.

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Dominque Strauss-Kahn has been charged with involvement in a French prostitution ring. His lawyer denies wrongdoing and added that it is wrong to prosecute Strauss-Kahn for “simple libertine activity.” Responded Bill Clinton “Yeah, what he said.”

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Actual fight at end of Baylor-Tennessee women’s basketball game. Wow, if this sort of thing keeps up ratings may skyrocket.

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Bus to hell time. Bobby Brown has been arrested again, this time for alleged DUI’s. Many of Whitney Houston’s friends and relatives are just telling him it’s time to relax with a nice long bath.

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Some are now circulating a story that Trayvon Martin was the one who first attacked George Zimmerman. Not sure we will ever know exactly what transpired between the two of them, but one thing is certain – had Zimmerman just listened to the police dispatcher who told him not to follow Martin, none of this would have happened.

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Since it’s been three plus weeks since they merged with Continental, United Airlines has given up on saying “we’ve been experiencing high call volumes for several days.” Now their message to VIP flyers just says “We’re still experiencing high call volumes. If your call can wait please try back later.” Presumably like in 2013?

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Rick Santorum told a reporter yesterday ““Quit distorting my words It’s bullsh*t.” Now really, is that appropriate language for a potential president? Maybe Santorum really is running for V.P.?

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Jamie Moyer, 49, pitched four perfect innings against the San Francisco Giants in a spring training game this weekend. Which probably means either that Moyer is still a big league pitcher, that the Giants are still not big league hitters.

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Great line from Jim Caple at ESPN.com about Jamie Moyer trying to pitch this year in the big leagues at 49. “The scouts no longer point the radar gun at you, they just count “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi.”
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Rick Santorum – “If you haven’t cursed out a NY Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you’re not really a real Republican.” Does that mean President Obama’s not a real Democrat because he hasn’t sworn at someone from Fox News?

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Ah politics… So when Obamacare was introduced, Republicans said it was a tax, Democrats said it wasn’t. Now, the govt says the mandate is at least allowable under Congress’ power to tax. And the GOP says it is not a tax…

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell believes that the New Orleans Saints were the only team with a bounty program. Makes sense, just like Bud Selig acted like Barry Bonds was the only star steroid user in baseball.
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The Colts, still apparently undecided about their #1 pick, will fly Andrew Luck to Indianapolis for a private workout. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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Jimmy Carter has finally left the Southern Baptist Church, saying “The truth is that male religious leaders had – & still have — an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of womenthroughout the world.” You go, guy!

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Tebow or not Tebow. That is the question.

March 24, 2012

Mitt Romney’s definitely done some job creation this week. At Ohio Art. They make Etch A Sketch.

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Drew Stanton, the New York Jets previously expected backup QB, has apparently asked to be traded or released. I think that has been arranged.

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I can see it now when Tebow arrives in the Jets locker room. Rex Ryan “So Tim, tell me again about Jesus and that foot washing stuff.”

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from Bill Littlejohn: “It was strange to see John Elway standing next to his QB and not having to smile through clenched teeth.”

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The most disappointed fans with Bountygate have to be in Washington. Had it only been the Redskins found guilty instead of the Saints, maybe Goodell would have suspended Dan Snyder.

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Today’s example of how if aliens land they will conclude there is no intelligent life on this planet: http://now.msn.com/now/0322-romney-vs-birthers.aspx

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Rick Santorum, talking about his opposition: “If they’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk of what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate for the future.” When this campaign is over, Santorum may have a job waiting for him – on the Committee to Re-Elect the President.

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Newt Gingrich, on why he is still running -“”I’m staying in the race because I believe we ought to have a conservative who’s serious, who’s had national achievements and who doesn’t write his policy on an Etch A Sketch and zig-zag back and forth wildly.” Maybe so, but the GOP is still looking for that candidate.

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Pat Robertson on football:”Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP QB, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.” “From your lips to God’s ear” responded other AFC West fans.

(Have to wonder why Robertson is so upset about the trade. Is he a Broncos fan or a Jets fan?)

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The Milwaukee Brewers have announced they will dedicate a statue of Bob Uecker on August 31. The statue will presumably be placed “just a bit outside” Miller Park.

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Boys will be boys. (And girls will try to be boys?).

March 20, 2012

The #3 seeded Miami Hurricanes’ women’s basketball team has suspended star senior guard Riquna Williams, for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Who said women’s basketball would never catch up to the men’s game?

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Meanwhile, in an overtime thriller, the Stanford men’s basketball team knocked off Illinois State to advance to the Sweet 16 of the NIT….. Yeah, okay, winning is great. But Sweet 16 of the NIT? Isn’t that an accomplishment on par with making it through the first round of the Bachelor. Or winning a straw poll in this year’s GOP primary?

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Peyton to the Broncos. Alex Smith talking to Miami. That might leave for S.F…. Tim Tebow To paraphrase an old joke, he could have 60,000 fans on their feet yelling “Jesus Christ.”

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Got email invite to follow John Kerry on Twitter, where the email adds “And hey, it’s a rare chance to see a United States Senator struggle to express thoughts in 140 characters or less!.” Well, it’s a safe bet we won’t be asked to follow Joe Biden.

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Yet another reason why those of us with XX chromosomes adore George Clooney. He had one phone call from jail, and when asked who he called, George replied “My mother. Some things never change.”

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The Mets, facing a lawsuit demanding up to $1 billion, settled with the Madoff Madoff for $162M. $162 million? Why for the Yankees that’s a couple long-relievers and a utility infielder.

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Today in Illinois Rick Santorum said the issue in the presidential race is not the economy but an “oppressive government that’s taking away people’s freedom.” (Presumably he forgot to add, unless you are gay or a woman.)

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Spurned by Matt Flynn, Peyton Manning and maybe even Alex Smith, Miami has signed …. David Garrard. So this fall Dolphins fans can look forward to watchng Garrard make his debut at Chopped Liver Stadium.

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The Walt Disney Co. now says they will lose $200 million on “John Carter.” Wow. Does that mean there will be a movie-themed ride at Epcot?

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So does Peyton Manning’s decision mean the Broncos are the favorites to win the AFC, by a neck?

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New Orleans police have filed felony charges against Russell Brand for smashing a photographer’s iPhone last week. Brand says he intends to fight the charges. Wonder if prosecutors might accept a plea bargain if Brand promises to do the same thing in a few movie theaters and restaurants.

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A new bill in Tennessee would require the state to publish the names of each doctor who performs an abortion and the age, race, county, marital status, education level, # of children, and location of the woman having the procedure. Where’s the bill requiring similar information about men being treated for STDs?

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Headline about Demi Moore’s soon-to-be-ex signing up for Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flights -“”Ashton Kutcher heading into space.”

Uh, isn’t he already there?

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From catfish to grits to pancakes……Mitt Romney today stopped in a popular Illinois diner today, saying “I need only one thing from you this morning — no two,” Romney said. “#1, I need some pancakes, and #2, I need you to go vote” Anyone but me hoping someone in Louisiana might offer him a Hurricane without saying what’s in it?

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Quote from Joe Biden. And okay, this had to be his speechwriters because it’s so succinct. But a great Obama reelection bumper sticker nonetheless: “Osama Bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Think about it.”

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Well, at least Tebow…

January 15, 2012

Now has plenty of time to go to church on Sundays.

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The Saints lost in a thriller, Tebow and the Broncos got pounded. Maybe God decided to watch the NBA instead this weekend.

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Quote before yesterday’s 49ers-Saints playoff game, from Tara VanDerveer via Scott Ostler “All the great ones have a screw loose.” (This actually may describe both Harbaugh and Payton.)

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich are appealing not being on the Virginia ballot after both of them failed to get enough signatures to qualify. My thought, if you’re not smart enough to count the right number of signatures, you aren’t nearly smart enough to run for President.

Vice President, maybe.

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A $170 million failed Russian space probe will fall down to earth today, only about 2 months after it was launched towards a moon of Mars. Could be the most expensive crash landing since Rick Perry’s presidential campaign.

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John Bolton said that President Obama shouldn’t take credit for getting Bin Laden, saying “It’s because Navy Seal Team 6 killed Osama… It happened to occur during his presidency.” Ah, I get it, since he took office Obama is only responsible for everything bad that has happened.

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Congrats to Jim Harbaugh for his gutsy call to throw for a game-winning touchdown last night. David Shaw would have gone for the tying field goal. (No, Stanford fans aren’t still bitter….Right.)

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Not sure about the timing of this Alvin and the Chipmunks, Chipwrecked movie, with the Costa Concordia’s story. On the other hand some might think the only silver lining of a ship’s sinking might be potentially drowned Chipmunks.

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More bad timing, while the capsized Costa cruise ship makes headlines, another major European headline is “More than 4,000 people in Belfast are vying to land one of 70 front of house staff jobs in the world’s largest Titanic visitor attraction.”

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Open note to all Americans who take cruises to Mexico but are too scared to get off their cruise ships in port over exaggerated crime reports – the Carnival Splendor, the biggest ship sailing that route, is or rather was a sister ship to the Costa Concordia.

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Another thought for cruise passengers – We may have seen the end of increasingly lax cruise lifeboat drills.

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Scavenger hunting.

January 12, 2012

Mitt Romney is denying allegations that he is a “vulture capitalist.” He has a point, vultures only take as much as they need to survive.

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Manny Ramirez says if some MLB team gives him another chance he could be a role model. Uh, hasn’t Manny already been a role model. As in “No matter how much God-given talent you have, if you’re lazy or a cheat you can f*ck it up.”

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Glenn Beck threw out his back by bending over a coffee table. Beck will be back on air as soon as he can figure out how to blame this on President Obama.

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Apparently while Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney pushed for science to be included in the state’s testing system. If this leaks out Romney may lose his lead in the GOP primary.

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The media are making much of a new poll saying Tim Tebow is America’s favorite athlete. But to achieve that status, Tebow was chosen by 3.0% (yes three percent) of those polled. To put that in perspect, Newt Gingrich got 9.0% in New Hampshire.

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Flip Saunders, head coach of the Washington Wizards, says that he thinks his young star John Wall picked up “too many bad habits” while playing in the summer league. What, as opposed to the bad habits Wall has picked up playing for the woeful Wizards?

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A new study published on the Public Library of Science says men and women are “basically different species.” In other equally shocking news, Tim Tebow just might be very thankful to his “Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

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The Federal Reserve just announced that the final weeks of 2011 were the economy’s strongest. This is good news for anyone who isn’t running for the GOP Presidential nomination.

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SI.com has come out with their Top 20 college football rankings. For NEXT season. Shockingly an SEC team – LSU – is ranked #1. But USC is second, Oregon is third. (Stanford is #20.) Gentlemen, start your bowl lobbying.

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Hostess Brands, the makers of Twinkies, has declared bankruptcy for the second time in ten years. There are rumors the company may be forced to liquidate. Although the Twinkies they have produced should survive for at least another decade.

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ESPN reports Penn State University president Rodney Erickson will be talking to alums today in Pittsburgh, “some of whom aren’t happy about the way the school handled” the Sandusky scandal, the firing of Paterno, etc…. “Some?” Really? Find me ONE alum who thinks the school did a good job.
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Is this an omen? Tim Tebow and the Broncos are taking on the New England Patriots this Saturday night. For competing programming ABC is airing “Wipeout.”

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A L.A. County sheriff’s deputy has been arrested and charged with smuggling drugs into jail inside a burrito. Now there’s a concept, marijuana filled burritos – it’s one way to get buyers hungry enough to finish a whole one.

If you are reading this and like sports humor especially, highly recommend Dwight Perry’s “Sideline Chatter” in the Seattle Times. (In this column from Wednesday he took one of my jokes too.)

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/sidelinechatter/2017205546_chat11.html#.Tw6RugcUYHM.facebook

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Another night, another California overtime loss for Miami. The Heat lost 95 to 89 to the Clippers after Miami shot 20 of 34 from the free throw line. (.588.) “C’mon guys, it’s not that hard.” – commented Shaquille O’Neal.

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Boring Contrived System.

January 10, 2012

Okay, I apologize in advance for this first joke.

If only Hurricane Katrina had made as little forward progress in New Orleans as LSU’s offense.

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But really? Best two teams in the country? For most of the game both LSU and Alabama didn’t even look like the best teams in the SEC.

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Open note to BCS apologists – both of you. So LSU and Alabama had the best records by some determined strength of schedule and only one game was needed. By that token we should have eliminated the wild card games NFL games last weekend and the next two weeks – Just go directly to a Packers-Patriots Super Bowl after a month off.

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For the very casual football fan in Louisiana. Yes, the Saints and LSU play the same game. It just doesn’t look like it.

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Most embarrassing night for LSU where arrests were not involved.

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Question I would like to have seen asked by a sideline reporter to any of tonight’s players. “So, after this is all over, are you looking forward to getting back to classes?”

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Jerry Perisho’s great pre-game comment: “Monday night, it’s LSU versus Alabama in the OMG It’s Finally About To Be Done Bowl.”

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Whatever you think of Pac 12 football, does anyone think that Andrew Luck and the Stanford offense against Alabama wouldn’t have least been able to end up in the same zip code as the end zone?

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For anyone who wondered, is this the best matchup college football can do? The South may not have won the Civil War but they sure won with the BCS process.

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Battle cry of the unfortunate LSU offense tonight: “Occupy Alabama territory.” (In retrospect, the defenders of the Alamo looked less out-manned.)

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After switching over to “the Bachelor, must say, many of the women definitely look more aggressive tonight than the LSU offense.

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Todd Palin endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. This is a surprise to many people who didn’t realize Todd knew who was running.

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Apparently on the latest episode of the Kardashian reality show (isn’t that an oxymoron?), Kim complains: ” Sometimes I wish I’d have just one day of peace.” This will happen only when the Kardashians figure out how to make a profit on “one day of peace.”

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Tim Tebow gets a contract bonus of $250,000 for his playoff win. Another reason many men don’t like the guy, he probably won’t spend any of that money on beer and women.

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Okay this shouldn’t be funny, but. There is a story today about a leopard killing a man in a city in eastern India. According to the AP the victim was a 50-year-old lawyer who was outside talking on his cellphone.

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They’ve starting voted in New Hampshire. Mitt Romney looks likely to win. But his voters appear as enthusiastic as most people do about choosing to spend holidays with their in-laws.

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A alleged wannabe suicide bomber was arrested in Tampa over the weekend. The man apparently never got close to actually carrying out his plot. But wonder if local law enforcement and the FBI didn’t think about letting him have a go at an otherwise empty Tropicana Field.

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Big news in the White House, Bill Daley leaving his position to head back to Chicago. The big news. When anyone in politics from Chicago leaves a position without the police being involved.

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Oh, father….

January 5, 2012

Los Angeles archdiocese auxiliary bishop Gabino Zavala has resigned after admitting he fathered 2 children. On a brighter note for the church, at least this means he was having sex with an adult woman.

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Michele Bachmann said she is ending her campaign for President. Not sure who is more upset, her hundreds of hard-core supporters, or the nation’s comedy writers.

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Although Michele Bachman dropped out of the GOP presidential race, she also said “”There are many more chapters to be written.” You know what that means…. yet another failed-candidate book deal.

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Iowa caucuses are not a punch a ballot kind of thing. You have to go in, listen to speeches, talk to people, etc. It can take hours. Yet 58 people in the Iowa caucuses voted for Herman Cain. Did they think they were getting a free pizza or somethng?

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The San Diego Chargers are sticking with coach Norv Turner. This is great news, for the rest of the AFC West.

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In Sonoma County, California, two CHP air officers just arrested a pilot of a single-engine plane for allegedly flying while intoxicated. In the man’s defense, he said he was training to be a commercial pilot for Delta Airlines.

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Why computer programmers should take basic geography. Checking on the Starwood website for a hotel for a client in Princeville, Kauai. The first result? The Sheraton Waikiki, 21.87 miles away. At least the site didn’t give drive time.

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Despite the results in Iowa, Rick Perry is moving ahead to South Carolina. Should we be shocked? We all know how good the Texas Governor is at math.

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Michele Bachmann said her husband Marcus spent the last day of the campaign in Iowa “buying doggie sunglasses for our dog Boomer.” Can’t imagine how those gay rumors got started.

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Rick Santorum is now calling Mitt Romney a “bland, boring career politician.” Not true, Mitt hasn’t been in office since 2006. He’s more of a “bland, boring career candidate.”

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Barack Obama today sidestepped the Senate confirmation process by using a recess appointment to make Richard Cordray the first director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. And the GOP is angry. Very angry. Gosh, does that mean Republicans in Congress might start not working with the President?

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ESPN cameras caught Stanford kicker Jordan Williamson praying on the sidelines before missing a potential game-winning kick in the Fiesta Bowl. Feel sorry for the kid but maybe he’s been too caught up in his studies and bowl preparation to have noticed – lately prayer hasn’t been working out too well on the field for Tim Tebow

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From T.C. Stanford’s place kicker would be a star punter. All his kicks seem to be locked on “left coffin corner”

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Meanwhile, Michigan’s Brendan Gibbons, who was 1 for 5 last year, won the Sugar Bowl for the Wolverines with a 37-yard field goal in overtime. He claimed he made the kick by thinking about “brunette girls.”

“Brunette girls,” huh. Does that mean Stanford’s kicker was thinking about blond girls?

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In the Orange Bowl, West Virginia beat Clemson 70-33. Well, that’s one way not to stress out your place kicker – don’t even ask him to attempt a field goal. (But give Tyler Bitancurt credit, he was 10 for 10 on extra points.)

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Riddle me this…

January 1, 2012

Why do Dallas Cowboys fans have the biggest flat screen televisions?

Because for years they haven’t had to waste money on playoff tickets.

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And yes, for the third time in four years, the Dallas Cowboys will not be in the playoffs. No punchline, I just like writing this.

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Newt Gingrich is now blaming his fall in the Iowa polls on being “Romney-boated.” After blaming his failure to get enough signatures to be on the Virginia ballot on a staffer’s fraud. If this GOP nomination thing doesn’t work out, Gingrich has a great chance of being hired to lobby for the California Whine Industry.

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Contrary to popular belief God did not desert Tebow today. He just watched the Raiders play defense and decided to save His energy for a day Tim actually needed His help.

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Rick Santorum, who is criticizing Romney in his TV ads for being too liberal, endorsed Mitt in the 2008 GOP presidential primaries as the “clear conservative candidate.” Who knew – Romney’s flip-flopping is turning out to be contagious.

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How can Aaron Rodgers hope to win the MVP when he may not even be the best QB on his own team?

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Newt Gingrich said Mitt Romney would buy the presidency if he could. And Mitt allegedly tried to bet him $10,000 that wasn’t true.

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Okay, you know your team doesn’t have much of a football reputation when…. Overhead at San Francisco Airport, which is full of people in red – one pilot telling another “So much red, must be a lot of Wisconsin Rose Bowl fans.” Not exactly. Go Stanford Cardinal!

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Locals in the Phoenix area seem very supportive of Stanford. But makes sense Cardinal/Cardinals, whatever…. they’re just pleased to see a team in red actually playing in the postseason.

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Lebron James is engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Savannah Brinson, after proposing last night. Well, at least one of them now has a ring.

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In Coventry, England, a display model of Apple’s Siri apparently told a child to “Shut the f*ck up” Many frequent travelers heard this story and hoped that’s what happens when you put the phone in airplane mode.

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Memo from Jesus?

December 26, 2011

Okay this is a REALLY short post due to lousy internet….and maybe it’s a bus to purgatory joke anyway but.

Secret memo from Jesus to Tim Tebow: “Hey, I love you man, but got to go with the guy who really is a Saint.”

And seriously, congratulations to Drew Brees on 5087 yards and breaking Marino’s record. And for being a nice guy too.

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Kim Jong Very Ill. (Dead actually.)

December 19, 2011

Kim Jong Il died at the age of 69. “What a shame” said absolutely no one outside North Korea.

Not a great year for evil dictators. Shame the North Korean press release just said it was due to “overwork” and not “overwork fighting against the evil United States.” Though it might be a bit much even so for President Obama to take credit for this one.

The New York Times said tonight about Kim Jong Il – “He fostered perhaps the last personality cult in the Communist world.” “Who am I, chopped liver?” responded Fidel Castro.

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Added Mark Brickman, “He was outlasted by his playful mother, Ma Jong.”

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Okay, okay, we get it, Tim Tebow is not a good NFL quarterback. Although today neither were Aaron Rodgers and Eli Manning.

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Apparently God looked at that Patriots-Broncos matchup, and said “Over my pay grade, I’m just going to help Tim Tebow by helping Matthew Stafford and the Lions.”

My friend Daniel Silveira commented, “God had a prior commitment in North Korea. After taking care of Kim Jong , Jesus pointed to the sky and said, -“thank you Tebow.

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The Indianapolis Colts won their first game today, and after the game announced that Peyton Manning won’t play in 2011. Makes sense, the Colts are just one win away from having to flip a coin with the Vikings or Rams to get Andrew Luck.
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Thinking some of those 1972 Miami Dolphins are getting too old to be able to pop their own champagne corks.

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Mitt Romney is trying to show his softer side. So he went on Fox News Sunday to and talked about his wife and his personal history. Wonder if this week he’ll try to fill stockings for all those underprivileged corporations at Christmas?

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The Redskins beat the Giants 24-10, and it wasn’t that close. Even Nancy Pelosi looked surprised. Oh, right, she always looks surprised…but this time she really was.

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How bad a day did the Giants and Eli Manning have against the Redskins today? New York fans started to count down the days until Mets spring training.

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Bob Dole endorsed Mitt Romney, thereby surprising many Americans. “Bob Dole is still alive?”

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Nice win by Carolina over Houston today, but Jeremy Shockey claimed he was motivated because the Texans “weren’t showing respect to America during the National Anthem.,There were about 10 players who didn’t put their arms across their chest. This is America.” Uh, okay, but I grew up learning you put your hand on your chest for the Pledge of Allegiance. You sing (and take hats off) for the Anthem.

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“I” of the Newt.

December 13, 2011

You cannot make this “st*ff” up dept. Newt Gingrich is now pledging future marital fidelity and as a potential President. So somehow he believes the Oath of Office is somehow a higher bar than “forsaking all others?”

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Follow up to Gingrich’s pledge of future marital fidelity. Assume that’s as long as he’s campaigning and if he wins. So if he loses, guess Callista had better watch the interns.
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Actually for all this talk about fidelity and who’s the most religious etc, my strong sense is that if it weren’t for the 22nd amendment Bill Clinton could win another term.

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Wonder how long until flight attendant departure messages start saying “Please take your seat, turn off your cellphone and stop playing “Words with Friends.”

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Not excusing Baldwin’s behavior but as far as an actual danger to the flight…? Should we start being worried if Zynga starts showing statistics indicating a high number of people on Homeland Security’s watch list start trying to learn how to play “Words with Friends?”

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In a dig at millionaire Mitt Romney’s offer to bet Rick Perry $10,000, millionaire Newt Gingrich offered to bet Romney $10. (that he wouldn’t give back money he made laying off people at Bain.) Of course, there’s a reason Gingrich wouldn’t bet $10,000 – it’s called “Callista’s Tiffany account.”

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Conservative radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich $1 million to drop out of the Republican primary race. Ever the smart businessman, Mitt Romney has asked about a similar offer – Mitt figures he can always change his mind a month later.

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Former SF Giant Aaron Rowand signed a minor-league contract with the Marlins. Makes sense, for the past few years Rowand’s been a minor league hitter.

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The Miami Dolphins at 4-9 fired their coach. The Kansas City Chiefs at 5-8 fired their coach. Guess this is ownership’s way of saying, “You sucked, but not enough to get us Andrew Luck.

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By winning tonight, the Seattle Seahawks kept their playoff hopes alive. Anyone but me just a bit disgusted that Pete Carroll and Reggie Bush have absolutely no restrictions on their postseasons, while kids at USC who had nothing to do with their misdeeds are forced to stay home?

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Newt Gingrich is proposing a flat tax but where Americans will have the option of using the current system or his new proposal. An independent study said it will add to the deficit but Gingrich said the plan will create jobs. With everyone needing to compute taxes twice? At H and R Block maybe.

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Brian Urlacher said last night of Tim Tebow “He’s a good running back.” And what does that say about the Bears then? Getting flat out humiliated in the late fourth quarter by a running back who was calling signals and throwing passes?

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While the Bears were dissing Tom Tebow, Tom Brady, QB of the Patriots, who are the Broncos next opponent, had nothing but nice things to say. Translation, Brady is smart enough to understand public relations, or maybe just Catholic enough that he doesn’t want to p*ss God off.

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Miracle-schmiracle….

December 12, 2011

What greedy Broncos fans really want now from Tebow is for him to start turning water into beer.

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But okay, all these doubters who don’t believe Tebow is, as he says, a virgin. I’m inclined to believe the guy. If for no other reason than that any woman who HAD slept with him would have probably sold the story to the National Enquirer for $1 million plus.

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Anyone else think that God is not only backing Tebow, that He/She is just f*ckng with us?

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As long as Tebow doesn’t start singing “Climb Every Mountain.”

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Actually, the Denver Broncos should be the favored team of those who miss watching NBA games on television. Just as in the NBA, there’s no point in really tuning in until the fourth quarter.

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Ryan Braun’s spokesman issued a statement denying any “intentional violation” of Major League Baseball rules. But really, has any star player EVER come right out and said “Yeah, you caught me.” Only the little guys. Waiting to see what “tainted supplement” Braun supposedly took.

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Chris Paul may now be headed to the Clippers? Jay Leno’s going to need to rewrite his punchlines.

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The NFL MVP is supposedly the player a team absolutely cannot do without. Based on that criteria, shouldn’t the 2011 MVP be Peyton Manning?

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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to recover from his casual offer to wager $10,000 with Rick Perry in Saturday’s debate. Even Pete Rose is saying he wouldn’t have made that bet.

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The University of Cincinnati issued major suspensions to four players involved in last night’s basketball brawl with Xavier. Guess the school doesn’t want the team competing with the Bengals.

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A United Airlines 757 en-route from Denver to Los Angeles had to divert to Grand Junction Sunday morning when an engine shut down. Wonder if the airline gave passengers extra frequent flier miles? Or charged them for the extra stop.
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Three straight second-place Heismann finishes for Stanford: The Cardinal is becoming the Susan Lucci of college football.

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Watched the Minnesota Vikings blow a chance (with the help of a missed call) to beat the Detroit Lions today and fall to 2-11. Had Peyton Manning not been injured, Andrew Luck would probably be reunited with Toby Gerhart next year.

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Actually, the Lions should have been called for a face mask at the goal line with a few seconds to go…. But for any Stanford fan with painful memories of Big Game against Cal in 2009, just one question… why didn’t Detroit give it to Toby Gerhart with first and goal from the one?

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Now it turns out that Penn State asst coach Mike McQueary, allegedly told a family friend a different story about the shower incident. According to a Harrisburg paper. “he heard ‘sex sounds’ and a running shower before a young boy peered around the corner of the shower’s stall, then saw an adult arm reach around the boy’s waist and pull him out of view.” Beginning to wonder if there is/was an honest person in the whole program.

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Happy Cyber Monday.

November 28, 2011

Today, November 28 is this year’s Cyber Monday. The day American women prove they can be as unproductive at work as men are during the first rounds of March Madness.

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Barnes and Noble’s ad “Cyber Monday is here, plan your lunch break accordingly.” Wonder if their ad agency was able to write that with a straight face.

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On a brighter note, many Americans will at least find their friends are too busy to send them “copy this as your status,” messages, or Farmville requests.

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Another week, another loss for the Colts. Andrew Luck next year is looking at playing for another team that isn’t quite good enough to make it to the BCS title game. (Or heck, maybe even a BCS bowl.)

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Okay, kind of hope I’m wrong because I’d rather believe the best of people. But who wants to join me in a prediction that Jim Boeheim follows Joe Paterno into at least temporary unemployment?

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Up in Canada, the B.C. (British Columbia) Lions won the Grey Cup (the CFL equivalent of the Super Bowl), after starting the season with not only low expectations, but also a 0-5 record. So in other words, the Lions turned out to be the anti-Miami Heat.

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But really, 0-5? And the Lions made this great comeback apparently without divine intervention or even his chosen messenger Tim Tebow.
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The half-time entertainment for the Grey Cup? -Nickleback.

So Canada may not have serious big time football. But at least for their championship game they have halftime entertainment that music fans under 30 actually listen to.

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In OT, Chargers 13, Broncos 16. Ever get the idea that God sent Tim Tebow just to “mess” with the heads of NFL experts?
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Never been a fan of athletes who spend a lot of time thanking God. On the other hand, Tebow isn’t raping women, getting in bar fights, or being arrested for some combination of alcohol, drugs and guns. And he makes “experts” look stupid. Starting to seriously root for the guy.

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Bill Clinton referred to Newt Gingrich as “articulate.” Several other GOP candidates couldn’t decide if that was a compliment or insult until they googled “articulate.”

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The N.H. Union Leader endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Which puts Newt in position to follow their last endorsements. Presidents Pete DuPont (1988), Pat Buchanan (1992 and 1996), Steve Forbes (2000), and John McCain (2008).

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As the child molestation allegations mount, Syracuse University on Sunday fired associate basketball coach Bernie Fine. Just one question – what took them so long?

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In the “bus to hell” department, assume no late night comic will dare make “I feel Fine,” jokes…

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And on a serious note, the worst thing to my mind about the Jerry Sandusky-Bernie Fine stories: Wondering how many others of these perverts are in high school and college programs who haven’t been caught (or turned in) yet.

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Cain’t touch this.

November 16, 2011

Herman Cain had one of those “Perry in the headlights” moments the other day when asked a question about Libya. To be fair, from force of habit Cain’s first thought was “Libya, Libya? Maybe Libby? She’s lying, I never met the woman.”

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No surprise here: Justin Verlander, who has three years left on his contract with the Tigers, was a unanimous CY Young winner. Assume the award came with a note saying “Congratulations. Look for our offer in 2015,” from the NY Yankees.

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So in Italy, screwing young women is fine, it’s only screwing up your country’s economy that will get you tossed out of office. Wonder how long it will take Bill Clinton to apply for dual citizenship?

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Oops, the danger of early magazine publication deadlines: Kim Kardashian was featured in a Marie Claire article, talking about her newt marriage to Kris Humphries, and her 1st marriage to music producer Damon Thomas. “I was 19 and didn’t know myself, but it taught me what being a wife is all about…. being there for someone unconditionally.” Or at least until the wedding special airs on TV.

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Falcons coach Mike Smith is being pilloried by Atlanta fans and media for his decision to go for it on 4th and inches in OT at their own 29. But he is blaming his players for the loss saying “We didn’t execute on that play.” A few more decisions like that and Atlanta fans will be calling for Smith’s execution.

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For his Veteran’s Day tribute , Broncos WR Eric Decker caught a 56 yd touchdown pass from Tim Tebow, dropped to one knee and saluted. And got penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. Had Decker just run around like an self-promoting idiot he would have been fine. But to be fair, maybe the officials were just in shock about that Tebow TD pass.

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Many in the GOP are referring to waterboarding simply as an “enhanced interrogation” technique. At this point I’d say replays of these never-ending Republican debates could be considered an “enhanced interrogation technique.”

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Watching Jon Stewart talking about Jerry Sandusky and his “horseplay.” Added to a long list of alleged crimes, I think Sandusky owes a major apology to the entire equine population.

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While coaches usually stick up for each other, Paterno’s long-time friend and former FSU coach Bobby Bowden said publicly this week that “Joe was a little negligent,” and “must have known more because he said ‘I should have done more'” Bowden also talked about the cover up that they could have stopped it eight or nine years ago.

Give Bowden credit for honesty, and restraint, for not saying “and you media types tried to make my life hell over stuff like free shoes…”

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Last week Tim Tebow and the Broncos became only the third NFL team in the last 25 years to win with no more than two completed passes. Herman Cain hopes to match that record as a presidential candidate.

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Some fans in Denver are having customized #15 Broncos jerseys made for holiday gifts with “Jesus” instead of Tim Tebow’s name above the number. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that God is giving Jesus a football jersey with Tebow’s name on it.

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The NBA season looks like it may already be over. Which means that fans of professional basketball in the U.S. will just have to remember what team John Calipari is coaching this year.

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Congrats to Coach K on his 903th win. In many ways the Duke coach reminds us of Tony La Russa. A great leader, smart, committed to winning…. and in need of a better-looking hair dye.

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New Chicago president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said that talented but troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano will “have the right to earn his way back to being a Cub.” Translation, no other team will trade us more than a bag of peanuts for him.

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Another rare serious thought after watching Mark Kelly, Gabby Gifford’s husband, the past two nights on television. I’m thinking if Giffords believes it would be too difficult to run again for Congress while continuing her rehab, Arizonans could do a lot worse than electing him at least temporarily in her place.

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Another chance at the #1 pick bites the dust?

November 7, 2011

For many NFL fans, Sunday is a day of frustration. And today the most frustrated fans in the U.S. might reside in Miami. Where the Dolphins’ failure to collapse as usual cost them first place in the Andrew Luck bowl.

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Peyton Manning has talked about wanting to come to practice to try to help the Colts, even if he can’t play. At this point Indy may ban him from being anywhere near the field.

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Now that Miami has no chance for a “perfect” record, will the 1972 Dolphins celebrate by breaking out some Andre Cold Duck? Or generic beer?

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Still can’t quite believe that 9-6 – (in overtime) – LSU Alabama game. Most of the players haven’t seen a score that low since they took their SAT tests.

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If we needed any more proof that ESPN has become a wholly owned subsidiary of the SEC (as well as the Yankees), the headlines tonight might remove the doubt – “Alabama falls to #3 after loss to LSU.” As opposed to “Undefeated Stanford still behind one-loss Alabama in BCS poll.”

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I know Barack Obama is a Bears fan, but you have to figure he’s developing a soft spot for the Redskins. Because once a week now, Washington residents are screaming at someone besides the President.

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So does today’s 38-24 Denver-Oakland game mean that God really loves Tim Tebow? Or that He/She just really doesn’t like the Raiders?

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So a thought for all these folks calling for an LSU-Alabama rematch in the National Championship: Teams tend to be more conservative in big bowl games. Which means last night’s tie in regulation might be a 0-0 game in January. So how many overtimes would it for both teams to go to penalty kicks?

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San Diego’s Philip Rivers threw 3 interceptions in a 45-38 loss to the Packers today. Well, adding this to last week’s fumble means that Rivers probably won’t make the Pro Bowl but that giving spirit does make Philip the front runner to play Santa Claus at the Chargers’ Christmas party.

(my friend Michael Moroney adds “or the Packers’ party.”)

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My son noticed this, and we wonder why ESPN doesn’t seem too concerned about college athletes neglecting academics : GAMEDAY WEEK 11: NOV 12 2011
LIVE FROM PAL ALTO, CA (Guess things like spelling/geography aren’t required for a career in sportscasting.)

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“Puss in Boots” remains #1 at the Box Office, thanks to the family audience. Makes sense. Kids love the cats. And moms just close their eyes to listen to and think about Antonio Banderas.

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Kris Jenner insists that the public shouldn’t criticize Kris, because they don’t “really know her family.” Dear gawd, you know what that means – more Kardashian “reality” shows.

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Well, at least she’s consistently inconsistent: Liz Cheney, saying that the media’s focus on sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain were “pretty frustrating,” and “this is not the issue that’s going to decide the election.” Of course, Liz recently attacked Bill Clinton’s involvement with the White House because “there’s not exactly an impeccable record of integrity there on the part of the former president.”

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Okay, I have no idea exactly what happened between Herman Cain and his accusers back in the 1990s. But I do have to wonder, if it were women who were coming forward to make similar accusations against a young Barack Obama, would all the conservatives claiming “dirty tricks” and “racism” be giving the President the same benefit of the doubt?

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