Posted tagged ‘janice hough jokes’

Not just a river in Egypt

August 23, 2013

ESPN dropped out of its partnership with PBS on the documentary “League of Denial,” a investigation of NFL players’ head injuries. The network said the decision was not due to league pressure. What’s next, an ESPN statement that the NFL doesn’t have a steroid problem?

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will retire next year. Or as the company might have put it “shutting down to avoid further damage to their computer business.”

San Diego Mayor Bob Filner in his resignation speech said “I’ve never sexually harassed anyone.” He blamed “those of you in the media and politics who fed this hysteria… You have unleashed a monster… I think [we’ll] be paying for this affront to democracy for a long time.” Even A-Rod is thinking “Dude is in serious denial.”

More from Bob Filner’s resignation speech, where he said San Diego “just faced a lynch mob.” And he said he was “trying to establish personal relationships” with women, “but the combination of awkwardness and hubris led to behavior that many found offensive.” Once again, empirical evidence on why we need more women in office.

 

Broadcaster Dave Flemming returned to the SF Giants broadcast booth Friday night  from the Little League World Series.  Big change. Good thing Dave’s a pro & can adjust to Giants’ lower level of play

Vin Scully has announced he will return in 2014 for his 65th year with the Dodgers. 65 years! Wow. Does that mean he was a rookie announcer back in Jamie Moyer’s rookie year?

Ben Affleck will be the new Batman. Can’t wait to hear him ask where to “pahk the Batmobile.”

The NFL fined RG3 $10,000 for wearing an unauthorized t-shirt that said “Operation Patience” to practice before a preaseason game. Good to know the league is focused on what’s really important.

The New England Patriots lost 40-9 to the Detroit Lions last night. Maybe it was just pre-season football. Or maybe God REALLY REALLY doesn’t like putting Tebow on the bench.

One of those “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel” moments: A GOP voter who believed Obama wasn’t a “natural born” citizen but still supported Ted Cruz told the Texas Tribune: “As far as I’m concerned, Canada is not really foreign soil.”

Testing, one, two, three….

August 22, 2013

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

 

David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

To Puig or not to Puig

August 21, 2013

 

 

 

 

 

Yasiel Puig was fined by the L.A. Dodgers for showing up late at the stadium Tuesday in Miami before the team’s game with the Marlins. Puig said he was caught in traffic. Guess he should have called Lebron James for advice on getting a police escort.

 

Think I’ve figured this out. Dodgers fans know Yasiel Puig is a spirited young sweetheart, Giants fans know he’s an immature young punk. And if he’d signed with SF we’d both know the opposite.

SF Giants score tying run on a foul ball, and winning run on a bases loaded walk on a strike. Cue Rod Serling.

(as my friend Robert says, “Let’s all acknowledge that ball four was closer to a strike than anything A-Rod saw from another Red Sox pitcher.)

And the Giants won 3-2 despite being 0-10 with runners in scoring position. 

 

Jennifer Lopez will apparently be returning to American Idol this year. Translation, neither of them had a better offer.

Ah consistency, thy name is not MLB. Ryan Dempster was suspended for five games and fined for hitting A-Rod with a pitch. If Dempster appeals his suspension, however, it will be heard and decided right away.

But major lesson from the Ryan Dempster-Alex Rodriguez “incident”: If you’re going to throw at someone, have enough control to hit them on the first pitch.

From Bill Littlejohn:   During Sunday’s game, Colts QB Chandler Harnish hit sideline reporter Pam Oliver in the face with a pass.   It was the most errant pass to a sideline reporter since Joe Namath’s on Suzy Kolber.

Al Jazeera America has started broadcasting, and of course there are questions about its potential bias. As opposed to our unbiased U.S. networks…. This from Jim Pinkerton on Fox News today “But look, they’re an Arab news channel and let’s face it, many if not most Arabs probably support what bin Laden was trying to do in terms of killing Americans and so on.

Three kids who shot and killed an 20 year old Australian college baseball player in Oklahoma said they did it because “we were bored and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to kill somebody.” 

Actually if they wanted to alleviate boredom with a gun I’m thinking they could have spent as much of the day as it took playing Russian Roulette

Cruz-ing?

August 20, 2013

Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”

ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?

Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.

Another thought about Ted Cruz’s birth certificate. Under Canadian law, unless he formally renounces it, he still has dual-citizenship, and could run for office in Canada. Of course, the country might view that as a serious threat to the U.S/Canada relationship.
 
 
Aaron Hernandez, writing a letter to a fan from jail. “My biggest fear of all is she (my little girl) won’t know daddy.” Many people watching this case think it might be scarier if she DID end up knowing him.
 
A-Rod’s lawyer said on the “Today Show” he wanted to talk more about the case, but was prohibited from doing so by baseball’s confidentiality clause. Then Matt Lauer showed him a document sent by MLB waiving confidentiality….. This isn’t a steroid issue any more, it’s the “World Series of Poker.”
 
Stay classy Texas GOP men: A supporter of Greg Abbott, the attorney general running for Governor tweeted that Abbott “would absolutely demolish idiot @WendyDavisTexas in Gov race – run Wendy run! Retard Barbie to learn life lesson” Abbott’s initial response “Thanks for your support.”
 

After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)

Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?

The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.

And the hits just keep on coming?

August 18, 2013

 

 

Ryan Dempster appeared to have hit Alex Rodriguez deliberately in the ribs with a pitch tonight. A-Rod, however, has to count himself lucky that Bob Gibson is not still playing.

Red Sox manager John Farrell talking about Dempster hitting A-Rod, “he had to establish his fastball in… I don’t know that he hit him on purpose, I don’t think he did…” He’d have done better defending Dempster by saying “My pitchers are good enough to hit someone intentionally on the first pitch.”

Although at this point it’s hard to imagine the Red Sox dislike A-Rod anymore than the Yankees GM.  Brian Cashman’s relationship with Rodriguez makes George Steinbrenner’s with Billy Martin look positively cuddly.

 

Wonder how long it will take before the next intentional beaning to A-Rod comes in batting practice.

 

The Obama family returned to the White House tonight after a 9 day vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. Many in Congress were critical of the trip, and no doubt more will criticize the President when when they return from their summer recess on Sept 9.

 

From T.C.   Ryan Dempster beaned A-Rod on a 3-0 pitch tonight. Yanks GM Brian Cashman sent Manager Joe Girardi out to argue the call.  Maybe to bring Alex back to the plate so Dempster could bean him again.

Looks like the new Jobs movie is making about as much money as a sale on two-year old iPhones.

Crooks are stupid item of the day: Police in Huntington Beach arrested a man and charged him with vandalism for allegedly scrawling obscenities on the side of patrol cars. They were tipped off when he “liked” photos of those damaged patrol cars on the department’s Facebook page.

In three games against the Marlins in Miami, the SF Giants have scored 25 runs. Wonder if the team flew in a nearby Haitian witch doctor for the weekend?

How the NFL preseason has changed. Teams used to worry about how many players would be injured. Now they also worry about how many will be arrested.

All the talk now is about the Los Angeles Dodgers…. what about the Detroit Tigers? Running away with their division, and doing it without much of a year from Justin Verlander. If he gets hot in the postseason….”

Sorry, Charlie

August 16, 2013

The Philadelphia Phillies fired Charlie Manuel, the winningest manager in their history. Guess out of respect for all he had done the team decided not to make him suffer through the last 6 weeks of the season.

The GOP voted Friday not to allow CNN and NBC to sponsor their presidential primary debates if those networks air their programs about Hillary Clinton. The first step in a GOP victory plan to keep ANYONE from televising their presidential primary debates?

Former Stanford pitcher Drew Storen has to be thankful to the SF Giants. He’d been sent down to AAA, but was recalled after Thursday’s game. Apparently the Nationals figured if their relievers couldn’t hold a lead against the Giants offense, they needed help fast.

A new principal at Palo Alto (CA) High school has sent a letter to students warning them to stop the tradition of streaking on campus or face suspension. Here’s a simpler suggestion: remind students that their streaking will probably end up on Youtube for their future children, employers, etc to see….

A 60 Minutes report said that A-Rod’s representatives were the ones that leaked the names of Ryan Braun and Yankees’ catcher Francisco Cervelli to MLB’s PED investigation. Added to his other problems, there goes Rodriguez’s chance of ever winning Miss Congeniality.

A-Rod today later denied the report that he implicated fellow players, including a teammate as PED users. And why should we doubt anything Rodriguez says?

A new study found that drinking more than four cups of coffee is more likely to result in an early death. Wonder what the stats are for early death for anyone living with someone like that who DIDN’T make sure they had at least one cup of coffee in the morning.

Meanwhile, a new Columbia University study found that 5 year-old children who drank at least 4 servings of soda a day were twice as likely than those who drank no soda to display aggressive violent behaviors and have trouble following instructions. Uh, my guess is 5 year-old kids with parents giving them at least 4 sodas a day just might have other issues affecting their behavior.

What’s going on? Friday night the SF Giants almost outscored the SF 49ers?

(And who else saw the 14-10 score and thought-  I didn’t realize the 49ers were playing the Dolphins?)

NJ Governor Chris Christie says he’d accept a medical marijuana bill allowing edible marijuana to be dispensed only to minors, not to patients of all ages. Well, guess he’s as well acquainted as anyone about the danger of adults getting the munchies?


Kim Kardashian slammed Katie Couric on Instagram for sending her a baby gift, since Couric said recently she didn’t understand why the Kardashians were so famous. Kim’s caption read: “IHateFakeMediaFriends” Uh, does she think she has any real media friends?

From Jim Barach:  Consumer experts say that people need to be careful now that Obamacare is taking hold as there are opportunities for swindlers, con men and rip-off artists. As opposed to the current health care system which is full of swindlers, con men and rip-off artists.

Heads and other lines.

August 15, 2013

Headline of the day: “Florida issues warning about rare, brain-eating amoeba.” Which means most of the state’s residents should be safe.

Another headline  “Jon Stewart returns to the Daily Show September 3.  And somewhere  “And absolutely nothing has happened all summer.”:   Anthony Weiner.

 

Oprah gave away a car on the Jimmy Kimmel show this week.. Well, it was a cheaper gesture than a handbag.

 

The latest twist in the sleazy saga Bob Filner is that the San Diego Mayor even sexually harassed a great-grandmother. This latest alleged victim is represented by…. Gloria Allred. So congrats to all those who had August 15 in the pool. (What took Gloria so long?)

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Meanwhile the latest news out of the mess that has become the America’s Cup is that Larry Ellison’s defending U.S. Champion Oracle team has been accused of cheating by Emirates Team New Zealand.  Gosh, who will stop  this endless billionaire on billionaire violence.

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2013 Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli announced her retirement last night. “The first time is the hardest” responded Brett Favre.

Russian pole vaulting star Yelena Isinbayeva criticized other athletes who painted their fingernails in rainbow colors, and condemned homosexuality in general. Guessing this will not make her popular in the Olympic village with figure skaters.

From Bill Littlejohn:   “Before Thursday’s game against the Seattle Mariners, Rays players were surprised to see manager Joe Maddon with a python in the clubhouse.Guess he wanted to bring in someone who really knows how to run the squeeze play”

Yes,  it has been that bad.  Hector Sanchez’s 3-run pinch homer was just the Giants’ second HR with 2-plus aboard since June 13.

Bud Selig, defending A-Rod’s suspension: “I have a job to do, and the job is to protect the integrity of the sport and enforce our program, and that’s what I’m going to do.” (Well, at least when players are dumb enough to use a PED clinic that keeps records.)

Facebook is now giving me the message “Add your phone number to help secure your account and more.” More what? Robocalls to go with the online ads?

Love this sign at the store next door: “No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.”

Negotiations

August 14, 2013

Alex Rodriguez’s lawyer, trying to fight MLB’s 211 game suspension, says that his client didn’t commit “multiple violations.” Brings to mind the old joke “we’ve already figured out what kind of woman you are, we’re just arguing price.”‘

The horror, according to “E-news” Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie almost both ended up on the SAME FLIGHT in first class from Los Angeles to London. When Aniston’s people were informed they changed her flight to the next day. Beyond-first-world problem. Way-beyond-first-world solution.

Forbes says the Dallas Cowboys, worth $2.3 billion, are America’s most valuable team. Can you imagine how much the Cowboys would be worth if they could actually win?

Apparently Tom Brady limped off the practice field today with a possible knee injury. Will  Patriots fans blame Tim  Tebow.

In California, the Sonoma Valley High School Boosters had a fundraising event threatened with cancellation as they were serving homemade wines (some made by well-known winemakers.) Guess they should have done something less dangerous, like raffle off a gun?

 

Kate Gosselin, (from the not-so-dearly-departed Jon & Kate Plus appears with her children on the cover of People Magazine: “We were struggling, then we were doing really well, then it all fell apart, and now we have a so-called normal life.” Right, because all normal families appear on the cover of People Magazine.

A 73 year-old man who climbed over a barrier at Hawaii Volcanoes National Park and fell 115 feet was rescued after a hiker heard his cries for help. And somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”

John Oliver on “The Daily Show” tonight said he became a NY Mets fans “because, as a British person, I associate sports with misery.” Responded the Chicago Cubs “who are we, chopped liver?”

You cannot make this “stuff” up, female version: Sheryl Sandberg, the multimillionaire who advised women to “Lean In” has founded a non-profit to help women get ahead “Lean In” -the foundation is looking for interns. Unpaid interns. Well, this ought to do wonders for Sandberg’s reputation for being completely out of touch with the lives of average women.

Oops,. In 2010, the Oklahoma Lottery Commission had discontinued their toll-free number to save money, but recent lottery tickets were printed on old paper. And the phone number is now used… by a phone sex line. The mistake will be corrected, the potential excuse could go on for years. (Really honey, I was just trying to win us millions.)

 

From T.C.  “Irish discount airline Ryanair is under fire for refusing to refund a ticket of a passenger who passed away before her flight. The deceased’s son threatened to put the urn containing his mother’s ashes on the plane and filming and uploading the video to YouTube. Talk about passengers requiring assistance to board.”

This wouldn’t happen in the U.S.  They’d probably demand an additional over-sized bag fee for the urn.

Too much Weiner?

August 13, 2013

Anthony Weiner is complaining that the media is focusing too much on his sexting instead of the issues: “Substance doesn’t get covered in a campaign like this.” Except that substance WOULD have been covered if Anthony had kept himself covered.

Meanwhile, while Spitzer and Weiner create punchlines,   Newark mayor Cory Booker, has quietly won the Democratic Senate primary.   Who knew?   Something for New Yorkers to envy about New Jersey.

Liz Cheney, who is challenging Sen. Mike Enzi, in the Wyoming GOP primary, is calling on Enzi to “renounce” a deals that allows Congress to continue to subsidize their staffers’ health care premiums. Wonder why she isn’t calling on ex-Senators to give up their lavish pensions and healthcare benefits?

More “stuff’ you can’t make up. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been banned from the local Hooters. They’ve posted a sign that the mayor “will not be served in this establishment” and “We believe women should be treated with respect.” Does this even need a punchline?

You can’t make this stuff up,  part 2.  In Ohio last weekend an instructor accidentally shot a student in class. It was a gun safety class. (It’s okay to laugh, the student will survive.)

Pundits are saying that a Hillary Clinton speech yesterday stokes speculation that she will run in 2016. With all due respect, any time Clinton leaves the house it stokes speculation she will run in 2016.

Ah, internet targeted advertising. Today I’m getting something from Priceline on Yahoo for the “Summer Bay Resort” in Florida. “Summer Bay Resort” was featured in a link I posted yesterday: It’s the Disney-area resort with a sinkhole.

Singapore Airlines says that due to retiring their Airbus 340’s, they will eliminate the “World’s Longest Flight,” a nonstop between Newark and Singapore, this fall. Although isn’t the real “World’s Longest Flight” any trip where children are screaming nonstop within hearing distance?

The Justice Department, that never met an airline merger it didn’t like, is now challenging the American-US Airways merger because it would “substantially lessen” competition. They cite National Airport, where the combined airline would control 69% of takeoff and landing slots, and 63% of nonstop routes. This sort of semi-monopoly happens all over the U.S. But guess when it hits airports Congress and other politicians need, it’s an issue.

Wesley Clark, 67, is divorcing his wife of 46 years for a 30 year old woman. So has Clark given up his Presidential aspirations? Or is he angling to be the running mate of Donald Trump?


So much for a life outside the public eye. Apparently Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have been holding out because they have offered to put North on the cover of …. Vogue. But reports are editor Anna Wintour is “less than enthusiastic…” Can’t imagine why.

Possible reaction from SEC teams to the allegation that Johnny Manziel was paid for signing autographs?  “See, this comes from teaching players how to write.”

Breaking news?

August 5, 2013

Breaking news. A-Rod is to be suspended. And Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

So when will ‪#‎ARod‬ say he’s going to spend the rest of his life looking for the real PED users?

The MLB players union expects that A-Rod’s appeal process will not be completed before the end of the season. Well, the way the Yankees are playing, at least this whole circus shouldn’t affect the playoffs.

As the Biogenesis suspension list emerges….a question comes to mind, so are American-born players cleaner than those from the Dominican Republic? Or just smarter about their drugs?

A study of the first six months of 2013 by researchers at George Mason University showed that President Obama was the most joked about politician on late night talk shows, figuring in 288 punch lines. Finally, a race Anthony Weiner can win!

Dutch researchers created the world’s first lab-grown beef burger, cultured from cattle stem cells. Volunteers in a public taste test said it had the texture of meat but was short of flavor. Sounds like they’re already met Taco Bell standards.

Major League Baseball has doing about as good a job avoiding leaks on these PED suspensions as the players did in keeping their connections with Biogenesis secret in the first place….

2-3 lanes of the Bay Bridge between SF and Oakland were closed this morning, when a big rig carrying rice and raw fish for sushi caught fire on the bridge. Restaurant goers tonight might want to approach any “seared fish” special with caution.

Averaging about a home run a week lately, the SF Giants may be taking trying to prove they’re a PED free ballclub a little too far….

Jeff Bezos of Amazon is buying the Washington Post. So subscription rates may go up but shipping will be free.

Okay, now really rooting for the Detroit Tigers or Texas Rangers to win it all. Because I would LOVE to see Bud Selig grit his teeth and present Jhonny Peralta or Nelson Cruz with the World Series MVP trophy….

Slapped with a 211 game suspension, A-Rod is appealing and plans to play tonight. And the game tonight was televised on YES – the Yankees network. Can you say ratings gold? ‪#‎Therichgetricher‬

A woman who is the current Miss Riverton, Utah, in the Miss America pageant was arrested and charged with making and throwing homemade bombs from a car. There goes her chance to win Miss Congeniality.

A corporate jet ran off the runway and through a fence at the Eden Prairie airport Monday morning. Did the pilot have dreams of working for Asiana?

Stay classy Sydney Leathers. After filming a hardcore porn sex scene posted online, Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner stated “‘I’m not prostituting myself… It’s important to look at your body in a positive way”

Rex Ryan is asking NY Jets fans to give Mark Sanchez a break. And fans are going, “sure, an arm, a leg…?”.

Alex Rodriguez says that the “the last seven months have been a nightmare, probably the worst time of my life.” Well, he has more than 100 million rea$on$ to try to go on….

The silver lining in the story that Texas A & M QB  Johnny Manziel may have signed a contract to be paid for autographs.  At least we know there’s presumably a college football player who can read and write.

Mark McGwire, on PED’sl: “I wish I was never a part of it. If it’s better to have bigger suspensions, then they’re going to have to change it.” Translation, “I’m no longer playing, I’ve got a job, f*ck ’em.”

It’s just business.

August 5, 2013

Even if A-Rod is suspended today he is likely to appeal and actually plans to play Monday night. Where is Bob Gibson when you need him? Think this situation could be taken care of with one at-bat.

Meanwhile, Joe Girardi‬ says he has Alex Rodriguez “penciled” in for Monday’s start. And privately is he thinking “my kingdom for an eraser?”

My friend Jeff Klein points out that if Nelson Cruz is suspended, the Rangers will probably call up…. Manny Ramirez?! I think I speak for comedy writers everywhere in thinking “Oh please, oh please….”

Max Ball says  “Maybe Manny can come up and carry the Rangers to a world title and they can do a movie about it called “the Unnatural”

While we’re doing “Manny” movies – how about “Field of Creams … (and Clears)?”

Thomas Hurley III, an Connecticut 8th-grader, told a local paper he was cheated because he wrote “Emanciptation” Proclamation and lost $3000 of his winnings. (The winner had $66,600.) Can’t wait to see what happens when the kid doesn’t get into his first choice college.

August 5, 2013, and the Kansas City Royals are ahead of the New York Yankees in the AL Wild Card race. No, it doesn’t mean much in early August, but I just like writing it.

More off-field headlines for Johnny Manziel, as now ESPN reports that NCAA is allegedly investigating whether he was paid “a five-figure flat fee” for autographs in January. So congrats to all those who had August 4 in the pool.

If the regular season ended today, neither the Yankees nor Mets would make the playoffs. And somewhere Bud Selig is saying “Is it too late to add a third or fourth wild card?”

Already seeing some conservatives complaining that this supposed terror alert is fake and just a way to make the administration look good. And no doubt the complaints will get louder if nothing happens. (Of course, by calling the alert maybe it upset terrorist plans?) Nothing is certain, except that for some EVERYTHING President Obama does is wrong.

More bull

August 3, 2013

Inspired by the running of the bulls in Spain, promoters plan to bring “The Great Bull Run” to the U.S. where bulls will be unleashed to sprint through fenced-in courses as daredevils try to avoid being trampled. The first will be near Richmond, Virginia, later this month. Shocking. This seemed like a perfect fit for Florida.

 

A undercover police officer arrested a Florida woman for illegally selling lobster tails on Craigslist. Good to know the Sunshine State is focusing their law enforcement efforts on the important stuff these days.

Jerry Rice, complaining about today’s players in the Pro Bowl “You’ve got prima donnas, egocentrics, who act like it’s not an honor,” Plus they’re thinking ‘Why should I go and jeopardize what I’m doing?’ But it should be for the fans.” Here’s an idea, have the game in Detroit, only the winning team gets an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii afterwards.

 

As the Anthony Weiner circus continues in New York, here’s a suggestion – why doesn’t Weiner move to San Diego and run for mayor there? Might be the only city in America where his “sext but don’t touch” slimeballness might be a mayoral upgrade?

 

A-Rod, after his first rehab game: “I will say this, there’s more than one party that benefits from me never stepping back on the field. That’s not my teammates and not the Yankee fans.” So it’s not about him…. Rodriguez just cares about the little people who would be deprived of watching him play..

From my friend Howard Fox: “A-Rod says he’s set to return the Yankees unless he’s ‘struck by lightning’. Someone hand him a kite.”

 

Newsweek will be sold to IBT (International Business Times) Media. Shocking? Newsweek was still in business?

Mark Sanchez was booed today during the New York Jets Green and White Scrimmage. Well, it may be early, but good to see that Jets fans at least are in mid-season form.

Bad timing award? Lots of “BART, and you’re there” commercials in the San Francisco Bay Area, the weekend before what is likely to be a long strike. Or is this BART management’s way of really getting folks behind them in hopes for a quick settlement?

How did A-Rod expect to keep his PED use secret, he can’t even keep his negotiations with MLB secret.

Bus to hell moment from T.C.    ” Hot Tip of the Year: Do not watch the movie Django Unchained before attending a Kenny Chesney cocert.

Got it covered?

August 1, 2013

Rolling Stone sales doubled for the issue with the Boston bomber on the the cover. So who are they planning on for their next cover? Ariel Castro, Casey Anthony, Aaron Hernandez?

Thinking Ariel Castro may not live as long in the regular section of prison as he might have lived on Death Row. And I have no problem with that.

Castro says he is “not a monster.”  And monsters accused anyone making the comparison of monster defamation.

As Riley Cooper and the Eagles deal with the fallout from his racist rant, perhaps we should consider a new warning label on alcoholic beverages: “Caution, contents may make you forget that WHEREVER you are, there is always a camera phone.”

This drawn-out nothing-happening wait for MLB to announce their PED suspensions is getting to be reminiscent of the royal baby watch. But at least the Brits got a cute kid at the end of it all.

Cory Booker said “absolutely yes, unequivocally” that he has ruled out running for President in 2016. Makes sense based on his age and experience. But for a comedy writer’s dream… an election between two men from New Jersey… ah, what might have been.

Delta Airlines will start 14 hourly shuttle flights Monday through Friday between SFO and LAX, departing every hour on the hour beginning at 7 a.m.. Which is convenient – when your flight is late, at least you’ll know when the alternatives are scheduled.

A formerly obese man from Northern Ireland said his motivation for losing almost 250 pounds was getting stuck in a stadium turnstile. Hmm, the SF Giants may suggest a new way to enter A T and T Park for Pablo Sandoval.

Sources say now that ‪#‎MLB‬ and ‪#‎ARod‬ are “far apart” on a settlement. Is this a ‪#‎PED‬ suspension or a celebrity divorce

Edward Snowden has obtained asylum in Russia. Wonder if one of his first plans after leaving the airport is to see a Pussy Riot concert?

Have to love all the people who are taking to Facebook to express their support of Edward Snowden’s exposure of government attacks on our privacy…

Chiefs offensive coordinator Doug Pederson told The Kansas City Star that he thinks QB Alex Smith is “the best in the league.” With all due respect, Smith wasn’t even the best QB on the 49ers.

The latest rumors out of New York are that Eliot Spitzer, still married, has a girlfriend. Who does he think he is, Rudy Giuliani?

The driver of that Spanish train that crashed and killed 79 people admitted he was traveling at twice the speed limit, but says he can’t explain why. What, no one pushed him into the throttle?

From T.C. “An owner of TGIF restaurants in New Jersey has been busted for substituting cheap booze for premium types. “So what’s the big deal?”, asked makers of American “Lite” beers.”

From Mark: ( in response to my comment that that Pope would follow his tolerant comment about gay priests with something similar about women the day after hell freezes over.)

That would be a pity because if that comes the day after hell freezes over, hockey fans in Toronto and baseball fans in Chicago won’t hear it because they’d have hangover celebrating championships.

That’s what friends are for?

August 1, 2013

Interesting statement of understatement from Roger Clemens: “A-Rod was my teammate in New York. I’m glad he was my teammate.. I did things to make him feel comfortable….”

 

Sometimes you have to wonder. Are Alex Rodriguez and Anthony Weiner in the midst of a secret competition to be the most hated man in New York?

 

What if they gave a ‪#‎tradedeadline‬ party and nobody came?

The Pro Bowl has decided to change the format, so it is no longer AFC vs NFC: In fact conference won’t matter at all. The two top vote-getters will be named captains and get to pick teams, aided by Jerry Rice, Deion Sanders and two NFL.com fantasy football champions. Well that answers one question. “Could the game get any more irrelevant?”

Mayor Bob Filner has admitted to sexual harassment (and the stories are epic) but now his lawyer is blaming San Diego. Saying that the city should have provided sexual harassment training, and that Filner might never have been sued “had he been properly trained. Even Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are asking “Have you no shame?”

The SF Giants’  Javier Lopez, joking about the trade deadline.  “Me for ‪#‎Verlander‬, straight up.” Actually Lopez is having a better year….

Although this sentence kind of tells you all you need to know about the SF Giants 2013 season: “The last time the Giants won a Zito road start was Game 5 of the NLCS Championship last October in St. Louis.”

Lindsay Lohan has apparently left rehab looking “happy and healthy.” So I suppose it would be wrong to start a pool on her next “incident?”

The latest leak is that the MLBPA has been informed of the upcoming baseball suspensions and they will be announced by Friday. Of course this is supposed to be a SECRET investigation. Anyone left with any doubts how players might somehow have learned how to avoid equally secret random drug tests?

An owner of 8 New Jersey TGI Fridays restaurants agreed to pay a $500,000 fine for serving customers fake premium booze. Of course, have to wonder how much more than $500,000 they made selling the cheap stuff.

For all those who worried that the ongoing circus involving the NY Jets would fade away when they traded Tim Tebow, no worries: An anonymous veteran told a reporter Geno Smith has outplayed Mark Sanchez in the first week of training camp….

What’s more shocking, that the Pittsburgh Pirates didn’t make any major trades at the deadline? Or that if they had, it would have been as buyers instead of sellers?

A-Rod and a reel. Or a not-so-real?

July 31, 2013

Alex Rodriguez says he would still like to be a “role model.” Would he settle for being a cautionary tale?

Archaeologists said yesterday they found a new coffin-within-a-coffin in the central England parking lot where the skeleton of King Richard III was discovered. The remains are yet unidentified. Maybe an ancestor of Jimmy Hoffa?

 

Chris Christie criticized Rand Paul for bringing home pork barrel money to Kentucky, whereupon Paul responded that this was “the king of bacon talking about bacon.” President Obama hasn’t had this much fun since the GOP presidential primaries.

Oscar “Ossie” Schectman, who scored the first basket in NBA history, died today at the age of 94. Wonder if he scored his own first basket in a pickup game against Greg Oden.

Bad news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now a LA Dodger. Good news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now an LA Dodger

My Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein suggests that Brian Wilson might want to live on Venice Beach now. Not so sure, the man lives to stand out from the crowd – in Venice most of his get-ups would barely warrant a second look.

 

Eliot Spitzer says he is not supporting Anthony Weiner for Mayor. Well, probably shouldn’t have expected the pot to vote for the kettle.

U.S. Border agents found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s bus as it crossed from Windsor, Canada into Detroit. Beginning to look like this young man is as smart as he is talented.

A man survived driving his car off a 40 foot cliff in San Diego. Wonder if his last tweet before the crash was “Damn this road is steeeeeeeeeep.”

Meanwhile in sadder news.  But still a Darwin award Texas A&M football player Polo Manukainiu was killed with two friends in a car accident where police believe he fell asleep at the wheel. His last tweet “22 hour drive back to Texas on no sleep – oh my.”

I know these online deals like “Groupon” are becoming a “thing.” But really, would anyone seriously want half-price Botox injected into their face? Kind of like day-old sushi.

Carlos Hyde, Ohio State’s top RB, was suspended for “at least” three games after a assault charge was dismissed because the alleged victim declined to press charges. The Buckeyes’ star will miss games against Buffalo, San Diego State, and Cal. If Hyde misbehaves again Urban Meyer will slap his other hand REALLY hard.

Anthony Weiner in a new ad – “Quit isn’t the way we roll.” Really? Even Brett Favre is saying “Give it up already.”

Shuffling Jack Flash.

July 27, 2013

Sir Mick Jagger turned  70 on Friday.  Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..

Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.

Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.

FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?

A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D.  Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.


The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.

Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.

Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”

ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.

News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. ‪#‎RoyalBaby‬

A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.

#‎SFGiants‬ doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….

From Bill Littlejohn:   “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.

Weiner, weiner, weiner…

July 25, 2013

If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?

Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race..  (Insert pull out joke here.)  But, hey,  he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-

 

Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.

Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees:  Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.

Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.

Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.

The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.

Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….

Bus to hell time:  You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?

More on the bus to hell from TC  “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”

Not enough millions to buy a clue?

May 21, 2013

Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.

 

The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.

 

 

A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.

 

New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

Hitless and witless wonders?

April 5, 2013

SF Giants are 3-1. Despite having fewer team RBI’s than the Orioles’ Chris Davis.

It’s an axiom that there’s no such thing as bad publicity. But a week ago, most people didn’t even know Rutgers had a men’s basketball team.

Two most common reactions around the NCAA to the Rutgers basketball scandal. 1. That’s awful, how could they allow this to happen? 2. Burn the tapes.

Anyone but me find it a little ironic that ESPN is talking about Mike Rice and then switching to a Final Four preview featuring Bobby Knight?

Powerball tickets will be sold in California on Monday. All this uproar about taxation and no one complains about another stupidity tax.

The city of Chicago and Cubs owners are apparently close to a $500 million deal to renovate Wrigley Field. Many Chicagoans wish the team would spend $500 million to renovate the Cubs.

Brendon Ayanbadejo told the Baltimore Sun there are four current NFL players who are considering coming out as gay together. So are they working on coordinating outfits?

Pretty dominating performance by Barry Zito today. Especially considered that even Jamie Moyer was thinking “dude is throwing SLOW.”

From my friend Max McDuh watching today’s  SF Giants game with St. Louis Cardinals broadcasters.  In the middle innings the play by play asked color guy: “Third time through against Zito, what advice would you give Cardinals hitters?”

“Close your eyes, count to three, open your eyes again, pick up the ball and swing.”

Democratic Senators Heidi Heitkamp (N.D.) and Joe Donnelly (Ind.), announced their support for gay marriage. Good news for those who have Mark Pryor (Ark.), Joe Manchin (W.Va.), Mary Landrieu (La.) or Tim Johnson (S.D.) in the pool.

The $240 million New York Yankees are 1 and 3. With this kind of money to performance ratio they could be renamed the New York Congress.

A NY judge overturned a 2011 FDA decision to require a prescription for the morning after pill for girls under 17, saying it must be available to people of any age. Some are decrying this loss of parental control. Thinking if a girl needs the pill, she’s a bit past that point.

So let’s see, the 2010 BCS Champion Auburn Tigers allegedly had 12 players fail tests for synthetic marijuana, some had their grades changed, and others were paid not to have left early for the NFL draft. Other than that, Auburn appears to have been running a clean program.

Brotherly and other love.

April 2, 2013

There is a Comedy God: Former South Carolina Gov, Mark Sanford, aka Mr. Appalachian Trail, has won the GOP nomination for a vacant House seat against Elizabeth Colbert Busch, Stephen Colbert’s sister.

The town of Nelson, Georgia, has passed a law requiring its citizens to own a gun and ammunition, although they have reportedly not had any violent crime in the last 10 years. Well, I guess it’s never too late to start.

 

Say what? Justin Amash, a self-described “libertarian-leaning” Michigan congressman says abortion and “abortion-causing” birth control are okay, but should only be allowed “closer to the point of conception, whether it’s instantly or the first three days.” This is what comes from allowing men to hold elective office.

The New York Yankees are starting the year with $230.4 million payroll. Wow, and at least $50 million of that is going to active players.

 

A recently released NRA funded report on school safety suggests arming teachers. Well, this ought to be fun during contract negotiations.

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott says that Ed Rush, the league’s of officials should NOT be fired for offering a group of referees $5,000 or a trip to Cancun if they hit Arizona coach Sean Miller with a technical foul or ejected him during the Pac 12 tournament. Scott says Rush was “joking.” Gosh. This guy must be a lot of fun in airport security lines.

Good for GOP senator Mark Quinn of Illinois. But someday it will be nice when a politician’s support for gay marriage doesn’t even make the news.

Kevin Ware has been released from the hospital and will join his Louisville Cardinal teammates in going to Atlanta. Let us hope the TSA agent running the metal detector knows who he is.

The Cleveland Browns have traded Colt McCoy to the SF 49ers. McCoy is still likely to be holding a clipboard, but now at least he can do it during playoff games.

As North Korea’s rhetoric escalates, maybe the U.S. needs to send someone Kim Jong Un respects who is also capable of reading him the riot act. Forget Dennis Rodman, where’s Charles Barkley when we need him?

(My friend Marty B. suggests – send  Tim Tebow he can overthrow the Government.)

In New York, the FBI arrested Dem. State Senator Malcolm Smith and GOP City Councilman Dan Halloran for allegedly trying to use bribes to rig the New York City mayoral election. Who says there’s no bipartisanism in this country?

Mark this moment, April 2, 2013. As of 11:30pm the 2 and 0 Seattle Mariners have the best record in baseball.

But okay, really, we’ve waited over five months for opening day,  and more than half the MLB teams don’t play on the second full day of the regular  season?