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Game of the Century?

November 5, 2011

Well, after watching LSU-Alabama hype all week I think I have figured it out – the matchup is definitely this year’s “Game of the Century.”

Tickets to the LSU-Alabama game are going for a higher price online than tickets to game 7 of the World Series. Makes sense. It’s the SEC. Some players are probably higher paid than the World Series players too.

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Brian Cashman says the Yankees won’t go after Pujols because “It’s not an efficient way to try to allocate your resources.” Uh, considering that the Yankees have over a $200 million payroll and couldn’t get past the first round of the playoffs, should Cashman be considered an expert in allocating resources?

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Boise State is ready to join the Big East, but they want the conference to add a Western Division. Well, heck, why not go all the way and add Hawaii?

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Okay, who will turn out to be stupider in this Justin Bieber paternity suit? The alleged mom, who may not have thought about statutory rape laws. Or Bieber, who says he never met her, and may not have thought about DNA testing.

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Another thought about Matty Alou. In Giants heaven maybe McCovey DOES hit that ball a foot higher?

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So Lindsay Lohan had to reshoot her Playboy cover? Not surprised, figure these days anything Lindsay does is over-exposed.

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With some saying the sexual harassment claims against Herman Cain are just political attempts to take down a front-runner, this does bring up the question – why wouldn’t “they” have gone after Mitt Romney first?

Maybe because few people in America can even imagine Mitt flirting with his own wife?

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All the comparisons of Herman Cain to Clarence Thomas are focusing on the sexual harassment claims. But another apt comparison might be in terms of their basic intelligence and competence.

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Question for all these fans of the “personhood” amendment, which says life begins at the moment of fertilization. Does that mean a company becomes a person at the moment of incorporation?

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Greg Frazier picked this up, that Stanford’s football team has a 13-0-1 streak against the spread. Meaning according to Pregame.com, if you’d bet $100 at the beginning of the streak and just let it ride, you’d have $447,351.

But as Dwight Perry said, “The bad news, if you had $447,351 riding on Saturday’s triple-OT win over USC, you’d be dead of a heart attack by now.” (Stanford won by 8 with the fumble, the spread was 7 1/2.)

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Moving on.

November 3, 2011

Moving to the Big East would mean a chance to get a guaranteed BCS bowl spot for Boise State, not to mention a lot more money. So the Idaho State Board of Education has given the school permission to pursue Big East membership. Maybe Boise State can use some that money to offer classes in Geography.

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Thinking the number one Oxymoron of the 21st century has to be “Reality TV Star.”

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Speaking of which: Some sources said that Kim Kardashian’s marriage broke up in part because Kim didn’t like Kris spending “her hard earned money.” Can someone tell me exactly what Kim actually does to “earn” money

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Peyton Manning told reporters that he’s spending every day in rehab and hasn’t given up on playing in a game in 2011. Colts fans who have been watching the team this year and watching Andrew Luck responded “Peyton, take it easy. Spend time with your family and don’t push it…”.

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Rick Perry, said in response to Jon Stewart’s suggestion that he was drunk during his New Hampshire speech, that he had not been drinking, but “It’s not that I wouldn’t love to sit down with Jon and have a glass of wine. If he’ll buy.”

Think it’s time to start a fund or a facebook group of those of us willing to contribute to the “Buy whatever wine Perry wants if he will sit down with Jon Stewart for a Daily Show interview.”

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Justin Bieber, 17, is being sued by a 20 year old woman who claims he is the father of her 3 month old baby. Now, I know not all Christians wait to get married before they have children these days, but most of them wait until puberty.

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Sad Giants news. Matty Alou passed away today. He was 72. Barely over the age at which SF might have signed him as a free agent to play in front of one of their rookies.

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Baseball gave out their “Silver Slugger” awards today to the best offensive players at each position in each league. If there were an opposite “Lead Slugger” award the SF Giants would no doubt lead the NL.

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Free-agent lefthanderJamie Moyer, who is about to turn 49, has been throwing for scouts recently and apparently stands a good chance of being offered a big league contract. Moyer’s goal, to be the first MLB player whose age is a higher number than the speed of his fastball.

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Herman Cain is accusing Rick Perry’s campaign of leaking the harassment stories. Maybe they think Perry is jealous of having sexual rumors flying around about women?

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Monday musings.

October 16, 2011

The world’s population is expected to hit seven billion by the end of October. And just think, all these children were conceived before the NBA lockout.

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For a while tonight’s Cardinals-Brewers game was looking like it will be decided in overtime by a field goal.

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Rangers have to have loved watching the NLCS slugfest. Especially after last night. Did the Rangers score 15 runs against the Giants in the whole World Series?

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In related news there are rumors that some guys in red caps were seen earlier in Milwaukee parks with peanuts trying to lure temporary “pets” for their visitors clubhouse.

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The SF 49ers beat the Detroit Lions despite 15 penalties for 120 yards. Wonder if this was THEIR game to honor Al Davis?

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ESPN notes that Stanford’s football team,which is ranked No. 5 in the coaches’ poll and No. 7 in the Harris Poll, is No. 20 in Massey’s computer ratings and No. 15 in Sagarin’s. They add that the BCS computers “don’t seem to like the Cardinal at this point.”. Really, what was their first clue?

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In fact, undefeated #7 Stanford beat now 3-3 WSU by 30. #8 Clemson rallied to beat now 2-4 Maryland 56-45. You know what that means. Clemson jumped over Stanford in the polls.

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Open note to readers asking for San Jose Sharks jokes – the Sharks don’t get really funny until the playoffs.

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Okay, so almost nobody had the SF 49ers 5-1 at this point. On the other hand, bookies just collected big time on all those fools who bet Harbaugh would make it at least halfway through the season without a post-game incident involving another coach.

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Newt Gingrich said today that Mitt Romney would have a hard time getting the GOP nomination, but that Mitt is “a very likable person.” Well, Newt might be right about the first statement, but a major reason is that he’s wrong about the second.

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A 100-year-old man in Toronto today became the oldest person to complete a full-distance marathon. Although rumors are he just went out to get the paper. And had a little trouble remembering his way home.

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Herman Cain is now denying his 9-9-9 tax plan came from SimCity. Pundits, however, will be carefully watching any agriculture plan the GOP candidate put out, to see if there are any similarities to Farmville.

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In an interview with Wolf Blitzer, John McCain advised Rick Perry to get some sleep before next week’s CNN Republican debate, adding ““Every time I made a serious mistake politically – and I’ve made them – it’s been when I’m tired.” Must have been a heck of an all-nighter before McCain picked Sarah Palin.

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Serious travel thought for the night: Eleven of Walt Disney World’s deluxe resorts have just started offering free in-room wireless access. If WDW (sometimes known as Wallet Disney World) can take such a step, what’s holding back chains like Hyatt, Ritz Carlton, Four Seasons, and Marriott?

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Rough week.

October 10, 2011

Rough week for New York sports fans. The Yankees were eliminated. And the Jets and the Giants both lost. On a more cheerful note, it looks like the Knicks’ season may be cancelled.

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Not that things are much happier in Philly. As fans wonder if Michael Vick is entering the “Dog Days” of October.

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Denver coach John Fox made fans happy and inserted Tim Tebow into the Broncos game against the the Chargers today. So is it God’s will that Tebow play? Maybe, or maybe God is just thinking “Well, I’m not sure about Tim, but I’ve sure seen enough of Kyle Orton”

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The Vikings went up 21-0 in the first quarter against Arizona, and won 34-10. Although worried Minnesota fans at first were just wondering if the team was trying to set an NFL record for the biggest lead that a team could manage to lose.

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Realize that Pac 12 football is lightly regarded, still it’s hard to believe crushing Colorado 48-7 was really cause for Stanford being dropped in the polls against Wisconsin. Especially as the Badgers faced the mighty “Bye week.”

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If this keeps up the Cardinal could go undefeated and not finish in the top ten.

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For the first time in recent memory there is no team from Florida in the AP college football top 25. Shame they aren’t eligible since otherwise the Miami Dolphins might qualify.

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Thought after watching the Raiders game: Sebastian Janikowski – the only kicker in the NFL who hits 50 yard chip shots.

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California Gov. Jerry Brown signed a bill allowing children age 12 and up to get vaccinated for STDs without their parents’ consent. Well, as a parent I would hope kids wait considerably beyond age 12. But on the other hand, the kids it applies to didn’t need their parents’ consent to become sexually active in the first place

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Herman Cain, when asked on CNN about the recent controversy as to whether or not Mitt Romney is a Christian, responded “He’s a Mormon. That much I know. I am not going to do an analysis of Mormonism versus Christianity for the sake of answering that. I’m not getting into that.” Maybe Cain is ready to be president. That answer is on the level of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

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Meanwhile, in California, Gavin Newsom spoke at a Democratic meeting in Half Moon Bay and criticized President Obama, Jerry Brown and other Democrats for not doing enough to fix the economy. Apparently they didn’t live up to the perfect standards he set as the mayor of San Francisco.

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They’re over.

January 11, 2011

Yes, the  BCS bowl games are done for 2010-2011.    But the BCS committee would tell you there’s a reason they need so many games over such a long period.  And might consider more.   I mean, out of 120 FBS (Division 1) teams, as it is now a full 50 of them actually have to stay home instead of going to the postseason.

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Sloppy sloppy national title game. Of course maybe this has something to with the fact that it seems like there was more time between the end of the regular season and the BCS game, than there is between the end of the World Series and when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

Andrew Luck decided to forego the NFL draft so he could return to college and get his degree. Cam Newton still has eligibility left (after attending three schools) and was asked if he would consider the same thing. Replied Newton – “What’s a degree?

Well, after the trouble the Ohio State players got into for selling stuff, there’s no chance that Cam Newton will try to sell any memorabilia from the BCS championship. He’ll have his dad put it on Ebay.

LaMichael James is on criminal probation, Cam Newton says he had no idea his father was “shopping” him. Maybe we should call this the “Crooks and Liars” bowl.

One reason Jim Harbaugh may have chosen the 49ers over the Wolverines might be his well-publicized feelings on Michigan’s low academic standards for athletes. Well, that won’t be a problem if Michigan tries to hire Les Miles from LSU.

TMI department: Between John Boehner’s tears and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (and everything being personal), it’s enough to make you long for the days when men were emotionally repressed in public.

There’s a new iPad app to follow Cam Newton’s season with Auburn.   But you can’t buy it for yourself.  Your dad has to do the shopping.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The top New Year resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you’ve already blown it.

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Rush Limbaugh says the media is “unnecessarily stirring up the country” with the “insane” premise that hateful rhetoric from people like himself and Sarah Palin may have contributed to the shootings in Tucson. Interesting comments from the same man who speculated that the Gulf Oil explosion and spill was the work of “environmentalist wackos”, and blamed Al Gore for inciting them.

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And finally a little rant about the media’s coverage of Chistina Taylor Green, the 9 year old girl who was shot and killed at the Giffords rally.  There have been stories how tragic it was because she was born on Sept 11, because she was the granddaughter of formerPhillies manager Dallas Green, because she was the daughter of a Dodgers’ employee.

Excuse me, she was an innocent 9 year old little girl, her killing was tragic, PERIOD.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Even if we weren’t quite ready for some football…

January 11, 2011

In some ways sports seems trivial after the awful shootings in Arizona Saturday.

On the other hand, if we stop laughing, the bad guys win.   So, ever onward.

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Apparently tickets to the BCS championship are selling for $2000 and up. Curiously enough, for $2000 a fan could probably purchase a ticket to every single one of the other 34 bowl games, and have money left over.

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Glendale police say eight people have been arrested for selling fake tickets to Monday’s BCS Championship game between Auburn and Oregon. Apparently all eight have protested “but we got the tickets from our fathers.”

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The NCAA says a major reason not to have a college playoff system is that it would keep those players away from their studies for an extra few weeks. Right, as opposed to now where I am SURE players from Auburn and Oregon have been focused on school for the last month.

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Open note to football fans in Washington D.C. hoping to root for a decent team: Take a page from the airports, and start referring to them as the BWI Ravens.

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The Jets had a nearly 10 minute touchdown drive in their playoff game against the Colts.    Just how long was the drive?   By the time it was over,  Brett Favre had unretired and retired three times.

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Kansas City fans were hoping that they would have a few more weekends of watching their Chiefs play football this year.

Today quoth the Ravens,  “nevermore.”

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Will a documentary on the life of new Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar be titled “True Spit?”

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Nick Coombs sent in this: TLC announced they will not renew “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for a second season. It’s for the best though, she probably would have resigned midway through the season anyways.

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But really, TLC is the network that ran five season of Jon and Kate plus 8.  So how bad do you have to be to be cancelled after one year…?

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Bowls and bowled over.

December 6, 2010

 Well, today’s game against the Buffalo Bills is likely to result in Brett Favre’s fewest interceptions of the season, since he was knocked out of the game after his first pass. (Which was, curiously enough, intercepted.)

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Many in the media are questioning whether the Vikings stuck with Brad Childress too long, with interim coach Leslie Frazier now 2-0. Although with today’s 38-14 win over the Bills after Brett Favre was knocked out early, maybe Childress isn’t the only one Minnesota has stuck with too long.

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Giants 31, Redskins 7. Well, as long as Dan Snyder is around, Barack Obama never has to worry about being the most unpopular man in Washington.

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Owner Jed York predicted the 49ers would make the playoffs this year.  Playoffs?  San Francisco isn’t even likely to end up with a record that would make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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NFL union has told players to prepare for a lockout. If so, Stanford fans are more than happy to prepare for seeing Andrew Luck return for another year.

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Four interceptions today for Peyton Manning? Guess he really does think he’s the next Brett Favre.

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Anyone left to doubt the value of television viewers over fans and ticket sales as far as Bowl Games?  Distance between Bradley International Airport (Hartford, Connecticut) and Miami 1194 miles. Distance between Bradley and Phoenix, 2213 miles.

Distance between San Francisco Airport and Phoenix 651 miles, Distance between SFO and Miami, 2585. 

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The Big East and U Conn had lobbied the Orange Bowl heavily to pick their team, to no available. Maybe the Huskies should have offered to have their women’s and men’s basketball teams play at halftime.

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Another reason, besides geography, that Stanford should have been in in the Fiesta Bowl. Would have made sense that the bowl sponsored by Tostitos should have a team from the state that almost legalized marijuana.

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On the other hand,  I can see the Orange Bowl’s point.  Temple, 8-4, was denied any bowl bid whatsover, due to their weak schedule.  And one of those eight teams they beat?  Big East champion Connecticut.

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Delaware Republican Christine O’Donnell set a state record by spending more than $6.1 million in her losing Senate campaign against Democrat Chris Coons.

And Meg Whitman said “Damn, I tried to buy the wrong state.”

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Amateur sports?

December 5, 2010

Cam Newton led Auburn into the BCS national championship with an emphatic 56-17 drubbing of South Carolina. I will say one thing, the Tigers are certainly getting more value for what they’re paying their quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers.

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This could be the year for two BCS winners. Auburn if they beat Oregon. And then the Ducks when the NCAA finally gets around to disqualifying the Tigers after the game.

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And tomorrow the BCS picks will be announced. But instead of going by rankings, the postseason bowls will pick largely on economic factors – how many tickets a team will sell, and how much of a television audience they may attract.

In related news, the New York Yankees have asked Bud Selig to consider a BCS type system.

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On a lighter note, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats mascot was ejected from the game between the Bearcats and Pittsburgh, for throwing snowballs at fans in the stands. On a brighter note, since he hit his targets, he was immediately then offered a tryout with the Bengals.

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Jeb Bush called Sarah Palin “fantastic.” Based on this definition from Merriam-Webster I’d have to agree with him: 1a: based on fantasy : not real b : conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy c : so extreme as to challenge belief.

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The San Jose State Spartans finished off a woeful football season by losing 26 to 23 to Idaho State in overtime. About the only silver ling for San Jose fans.  None of that Sharks postseason letdown.

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San Francisco Giants (and Brian Wilson fans) rejoice:  “The Machine” is back. Pat Burrell resigned with the SF Giants for $1 million without an agent, saying he had made plenty of money and wanted to remain a part of “something special” with his hometown team. Upon hearing the news Derek Jeter just giggled.

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The University of Kentucky has resubmitted their basketball eligibility case for Enes Kanter, who was ruled ineligible for receiving excessive benefits while playing for a club team in Turkey. The school is arguing that like Cam Newton, Kanter was unaware there was an amateurism violation. Translation: if you pretend to believe Auburn’s B.S., why not ours?

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Bowling for dollars…

November 30, 2010

TCU, (Texas Christian University) ,which is in Fort Worth, just accepted an invitation to join the Big East. Looks like the folks in Texas take geography as seriously as they take history and science.

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Although to be fair, Fort Worth is at least in the Eastern half  of Texas?

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The reason for this alignment is simple, if TCU is part of a major conference, they have a theoretical chance every year to go to a big money bowl game, which the BCS hopes will shut many of its critics up.   (Although anyone who thinks this will toughen up their schedule…. let’s see, Connecticut, Rutgers, Louisville, U Conn….it’s not exactly a murderer’s row football conference.)

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With TCU adopting the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” to the BCS system by joining the Big East, that leaves Boise State as the odd team out of the independent powerhouses.

Presumably the Broncos are looking for a conference that’s a good fit for their abilities – maybe the NFC West?

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Funeral arrangements are pending for Leslie Nielsen. Apparently he wanted an open-casket ceremony with his body unclothed. For all those who have never seen a grown man naked.

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Now there are rumors that the Broncos may have videotaped other teams besides the 49ers. And yet Denver is 3 and 7. This could end up being the worst waste of film since “Ishtar.”

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Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFC West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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Apparently Miami Heat players are complaining about coach Erik Spoelstra, saying he is “not letting them be themselves.” Oh, I don’t know, based on their ego-driven offseason antics, maybe the problem is that Spoelstra is letting Lebron and company absolutely be themselves.

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Tonight, however, the Heat clubhouse is full of a little more sweetness and light.  Of course, that’s because they took advantage of one temporary cure for a tough season – playing the Wizards.

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So the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFL West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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New York is playing hardball with Derek Jeter over his contract.  One Yankees staffer reported said that Jeter and his agent, Casey Close, need to “drink the reality potion.”

Okay, did you ever think you’d hear the words “Yankees” and “reality potion” in a discussion involving salaries?

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The University of Michigan is paying Rich Rodriguez a lot of money. And because he left his old school and broke a contract to coach the Wolverines, they are paying off his old school, West Virginia, as well.

Now Michigan is probably heading to the Insight Bowl.  (See if you can name the place and date of that one without looking it up.)  The West Virginia Mountaineers, however, if they win on Saturday, will probably go to the BCS Orange bowl.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

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Monday night was the premier of “Skating with the Stars.”  Finally, a television option for those who feel “Dancing with the Stars” just isn’t gay enough

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Grey Cup day

November 28, 2010

And no, the Grey Cup isn’t any game involving Brett Favre.

It’s the Canadian Football League championship.  Sunday, November 28.  (And they don’t play Thanksgiving weekend, because Canadian Thanksgiving was weeks ago.)

Anyway,  for any U.S. fans who were complaining about the weather for games today (and yes, that includes Stanford fans when the weather dipped into the 40s), the Grey Cup will be played in Edmonton, Alberta.  Outdoors. With the predicted weather minus 10 degrees. Plus wind chill

The game will feature the Saskatchewan Roughriders  against the Montreal Alouettes; it will be the eighth Grey Cup championship game for Montreal since 2000.

On the other hand, until 2009, “les Alouettes”had lost the last four Grey Cups they had played in, leading some to wonder whether “Alouettes” translates into English as Buffalo Bills.

(Actually for anyone who cares, Alouettes are little skylarks.)

The Alouettes franchise actually has gone out of business a few times, and was replaced most recently (in 1996) by a team that moved from Baltimore.  Are you listening, Jerry Jones?  This might be a way to put your Cowboys into contention for a championship.

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Back to U.S. sports..

Today probably marked the end of the Rich Rodriguez era in Michigan, although it was only January 2010, when Rodriguez started to pay off $1.5 million of his buyout clause from when he left West Virginia. Sort of like your trophy wife marriage breaking up when you have just begun to pay your first wife alimony.

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Meanwhile, Stanford shut out Oregon State 38-0.  The third shutout of the year for the Cardinal. Out of 12 games. That’s actually a better percentage than the World Champion San Francisco Giants’ pitching staff.

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Not that Stanford fans show up regularly to see their (potentially) #4 ranked team.  Now, admittedly it was Thanksgiving weekend, and cold with the threat of rain. 

Nonetheless, the University may have had more applications for their freshman class than they had fans in the stands today.

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Meanwhile, this year’s BCS games get murkier and murkier.  As Bill Littlejohn said, this week BCS may stand for “Boise Choked, Seriously.”

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The Denver Broncos were fined $100,000 by the NFL for illegally taping a San Francisco practice in London last month. Cheating to try to beat the 49ers? The Broncos may try to avoid the fine by using the insanity defense.

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Nike’s running ads for the new Lebron 8 basketball shoes. Who’d a thunk that 8 would also be the number of Heat losses before the end of November.

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And finally, Willie Nelson was arrested AGAIN for pot possession.  Can the man just move to California and get a medical marijuana prescription?  

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Once again, the Barely Credible System

November 27, 2010

Hard to believe not so long ago that there were college football fans who thought the bowl system was so messed up that the BCS could only be an improvement….

Friday night, 10-1 Nevada did their part to murky the waters by upsetting Boise State in overtime, 34-31.

This after an earlier in the season 52-31 drubbing of Cal.

So why aren’t the Wolfpack themselves in the BCS title hunt? One earlier season loss on the road, in Honolulu to Hawaii.  (Can’t imagine any of the players were too distracted there….)

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In any case, maybe the Pac 10, soon to be Pac 12, should have considerd Nevada before they made an offer to the Colorado Buffaloes (who this year are 5-6, including a 7-52 loss to those same Cal Bears.)

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Many football fans think teams like Boise State and Nevada and TCU shouldn’t be eligible for the National Championship because they play in weak conferences with consequently weaker schedules. But by that token no team should be Super Bowl eligible coming out of the NFC West.

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Ohio State president took on teams like Boise State and TCU in a media battle…..saying that the Buckeyes don’t play “the Little Sisters of the Poor.”

Possibly not, but the Little Sisters of the Poor might be favored in a matchup with Eastern Michigan, who Ohio State did select to fill an opening on their schedule.  (And beat 73-20.)

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Meanwhile, in the first half of their game against Notre Dame today, Cal scored 5. Yes, FIVE.  And no, it wasn’t a field goal and a safety. This was basketball. Most embarrassing thing to happen to the Golden Bears since last week’s football game against Stanford.

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Danny McDevitt died this week at the age of 78.  He was probably best known for being the last  Dodger pitcher to win a game in Brooklyn at Ebbets Field.   Apparently at his funeral his family hopes to have him eulogized by the game’s losing pitcher, Jamie Moyer.

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On the Tonight Show, Jay Leno pushed Cher for her opinion on the Tea Party.  And she finally stated she thought they were “f**king nuts.”

But lets be fair, with Bristol Palin’s new campaign, maybe some of them are becoming “abstinent nuts.”

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From the very funny Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Star Phoenix:   “The bat Kirk Gibson  used to hit his legendary home run in the 1988 World Series sold at auction for $575,000. Meanwhile, the one Vladimir Guerrero used in the 2010 World Series sold at auction for firewood.

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Bowled over….

November 22, 2010

This all could change…. but how messed up is the BCS?

Stanford, despite a #6 ranking, is projected to go to the Alamo Bowl, which gets the Pac 10 #2. team But that’s the bowl’s #2 CHOICE, not necessarily the 2nd best team.

So technically, except for that little matter of probation, the folks in San Antonio could go for a team whose alumni always travel and spend money, i.e. the USC Trojans.

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Speaking of money,  the Alamo Bowl has a payout of $2,250,000 this year, the same as the Champs Sports Bowl, who at this point is hoping to take a 7-4 Notre Dame.

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Although, really, considering the “self-esteem” of both programs, shouldn’t Notre Dame be the permanent host team of the Pinstripe Bowl at Yankee Stadium.

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Speaking of college ball.  They always introduce NFL players by their college alma maters.

I think I’ve heard someone say this before, but since many of these guys never got degrees or even attended most of their classes, would love to see them announced with the last school they actually graduated from, even if that’s elementary or high school.  (Or reform school)

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Great line from my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Oakland Raiders’ Richard Seymore fined and ejected today for punching-out Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger. Good news? Seymore named Man of the Year by N.O.W.”

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Meanwhile, at Candlestick Park…. Well, so much for all those San Francisco fans who thought that with the World Series over it would be a long time until they saw another shutout.

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-The New York Mets chose Terry Collins as their next manager. Although wouldn’t it be more correct to say “as their next interim manager?”

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And here’s a poll for readers:   Who’s going to last longer? Brett Favre as the Vikings’ starting quarterback, or Mike Singletary as the 49ers coach?

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Barbara Bush said in an interview that Sarah Palin seemed “very happy in Alaska,” and that she “hoped she’d stay there.” Shame Barbara didn’t tell her son that he “seemed very happy in Texas….”.

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About these new TSA pat-downs. Okay, I suppose I can see the need to check for potential explosives.  But customs agents have known for years that smugglers can conceal illegal substances, well, shall we say, internally. 

What’s next, TSA prostate exams?

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By a nose.

November 8, 2010

Super horse Zenyetta failed in her attempt to be the first racehorse in modern history to go 20-0 when she lost her final race, the Breeder’s Cup Classic, by a nose.   But to be fair, the 6 year old filly was running against 13 colts, and was running on an unfamiliar track in her first race at Churchill Downs.  Zenyetta was probably the only one who stopped to ask for directions.

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Speaking of by a nose, the Oakland Raiders and New York Jets both won in overtime. What’s the more shocking  story, that the Raiders actually had sold out their game against the Kansas City Chiefs?  Or that it took overtime for the Jets to beat the Detroit Lions.

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This is not a typo. Stanford is #6 in the latest BCS rankings. Yes, football.

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What a great week for Northern California sports fans. The Giants win the World Series, Stanford’s football team is ranked #6 in the country, even the Raiders and Warriors are winning.

And oh yeah, for the capper, the 49ers had a bye week.

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The Philadelphia Eagles upset the Indianapolis Colts 26-24, aided by an amazing 32 yard sprint from scrimmage by Michael Vick. I suppose it would be tacky to say he ran as if the hounds of hell were after him.

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MSNBC executives have decided two days was an “appropriate punishment’, so Keith Olbermann will be back on the air on Tuesday. Some of Olbermann’s supporters are so excited they may actually watch his show.

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In the California gubernatorial election, Jerry Brown spent $7.50 per vote. Meg Whitman spent $43 per vote. Just another example of why you can’t trust Republicans to spend responsibly.

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More than one domestic airline today reported problems ranging from  with online checkin to on-time departures because of the change away from Daylight Savings Time.  Yeah, I can see how that would just sneak up on them.

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The airlines hope to have all the problems corrected in time for the change BACK to Daylight Saving Time in Spring. For which they will charge a modest “time change fee.”

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Republican senate leader Mitch McConnell said that Republicans want to cut federal spending, but that it won’t be effective to cut “earmarks,” the practice of slipping funding requests for home-state projects into legislation. Translation, none of us want to cut spending that actually benefits our OWN state.

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Stanford’s football team  is now ranked #6 in the BCS standings.  But due to a deal made by the folks in Pasadena, (whereby the Rose Bowl, this year only, has to take a top ranked nonconference team if they don’t make it to the national championship, ) the Cardinal could lose out to TCU or Boise State for the Rose Bowl.

And while there are three other BCS bowls, the Sugar, Fiesta and Orange Bowls, since they can choose one team each, they would likely bypass Stanford and  choose lower ranked marquee name teams .

So all this means  Stanford could win out, be ranked #3 in the country, and end up at the Alamo Bowl. Just in case you didn’t hate the BCS already.

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The BCS, airline security, and other jokes.

January 9, 2010

With all the fallout from the Gilbert Arenas gun incident with the Wizards following a card game, the New Jersey Nets informed players that gambling was no longer permitted on team flights. Which is harsh. It’s the only way this year at least some of the Nets were getting a taste of winning.

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A Facebook exercise designed to draw attention to breast cancer is requesting women to post their bra color as their status, and then invite their friends to do the same. Not surprisingly, Al Gore posted “green.”

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Backup Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert’s father Gale was actually the Cal quarterback when they beat Stanford on “The Play.” Unfortunately last night Garrett didn’t have the Stanford band to bail him out.

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ESPN analysts are saying Boise State has a real chance for next year’s national championship, but it will depend on their pre-season ranking. Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating.

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Jay Leno made a lot of snide jokes tonight about NBC’s possibly cancelling his show. The network might have sued him for libel. But libel requires that the negative comments actually reach an audience.

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Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, died at the age of 87. The funeral will feature a closed top coffin, which will then pop open, then closed, then open, then closed…

The service will be private, but tickets may be available on Ebay.

(explanatory note, Ebay was supposedly founded by a guy who wanted to make it easier for his girlfriend to buy and sell her Pez dispenser connection.)

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Former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and praised former President George W. Bush’s record on terrorism over that of President Obama’s. “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” Yes, he said it.

Later apparently, Guiliani corrected himself and said he should have said “Since 9/11.” Oh yeah, that. But, btw, Richard Reed boarded that American flight with his shoe bomb on December 22, 2001.

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A Hawaiian Airlines flight to Maui was intercepted by fighter pilots and returned to Portland because of a passenger’s rambling comment card talking about “Gilligan’s Island” with fantasies about Ginger and Mary Ann. Now, I’m no theology expert, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that the 72 virgins do NOT include Ginger and Mary Ann.

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Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who was engaged in a bitter power struggle with Sarah Palin, now says the former Alaska governor lied on the campaign trail. So as angry as he is, Schmidt is basically conceding Palin showed signs of being able to run for president.

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It’s over….

January 8, 2010

Yes, the college bowl season is over. You know it probably went on too long when the last truly awful football plays of the year weren’t made by the Detroit Lions.

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Congrats to the Crimson Tide for winning the BCS National Championship Game against a Colt McCoy-less Longhorns team. And over in Idaho, the Boise State Broncos are thinking, with some reason… we could take either of these teams.

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Tonight’s BCS championship game between Texas and Alabama was played over a month after both teams played their last games. The players have been so bored, some of them have actually gone to class

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Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy was injured and out of the BCS Championship early. It was the most desperate time Texans could remember without a real leader since George W. Bush was governor.
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The BCS championship game was played over a month after the regular season ended. “And the problem with that is?” said Bud Selig.

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Of course, the reason for the huge delay until the final game was for hype, and television ratings. Which means someday the World Series could be known as the “Thanksgiving Classic.”

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It now appears Gilbert Arenas’s teammate Javaris Crittenton actually cocked and loaded his gun during their locker room confrontration. But come on, he’s a Wizard. There was no chance he would get off a good shot.

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USC quarterback Aaron Corp, who lost his starting job to Matt Barkley after being injured, announced that he was transferring to the University of Richmond. Corp must really want out. Being at Richmond is likely to be a heckuva pay cut.

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A sting operation caught as many as 58 nine potential illegal immigrants last Sunday in Foxboro. The men were their way to shovel snow off the field at Gillette Stadium before the Patriots game. This could be the biggest immigrant roundup in sports since the Yankees took their team picture.

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According to the New York Post, White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi are apparently being paid $5000 to headline a party at Caesar’s Palace nightclub. Well, that will discourage them.

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The organizers for the party who are paying gate-crashing Salahi’s a $5000 appearance fee expect to sell several hundred tickets. With an actual attendance figure of about 20,000.

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John McCain has released an anti-Obama commercial to kick off his own re-election campaign. Senator McCain wanted the commercial to look as up-to-date and modern as possible so he insisted it be shot in Technicolor.

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Heisman and other rants…

December 13, 2009

Since when did they change the Heisman to become the award for the best sophomore in the country?

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Note to voters, this isn’t college basketball. Sophomores come back next year.

So Mark Ingram lost out to Toby Gerhart for the Doak Walker award for the nation’s best running back. And he wasn’t even the MVP when Alabama beat Florida. (QB Greg McElroy was.) And he had 39 yards in the game against Auburn. Heisman voters, whats YOUR deal?

From Nick Coombs Where is Kanye West when we REALLY need him?

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Gillette is scaling back their ads feature Tiger Woods. Although they state it is not for any negative reason, but rather in support of the golfer.

“As Tiger takes a break from the public eye,” said a marketing spokesman, we will support his desire for privacy by limiting his role in our marketing programs.” I think I like the one about hiking the Appalachian trail better.

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When Army lost to Navy on Saturday, that put UCLA into the EagleBank Bowl, December 29, in Washington, D.C. Bruins fans were happy and relieved. They would have just hated to see their 6-6 team miss post-season competition.

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But to be fair, this is Washington D.C., between the Nationals, Redskins and Wizards, .500 looks pretty darn good.

Tacky time.

It was a record-tying day at Hollywood Park Friday for jockey Joel Rosario, who tied a track record set by Bill Shoemaker in 1953

What’s the difference between Joel Rosario and Tiger Woods. Rosario rode six winners. Tiger is a winner who rode….oh, never mind

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Beyond Tiger and beyond..

December 7, 2009

For anyone getting just a little tired of the Tiger Woods story and the constant new evidence surfacing, be grateful for one thing. Text messages weren’t around when Bill Clinton was in his heyday.

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Would hate to have them miss kickoff…

Has anyone thought to remind Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans, headed to their first ever Emerald Bowl on December 26, that not all bowls are played on New Year’s Day?

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USC in the Emerald Bowl!!! The Trojans were picked early this year to contend for the National Championship. USC may be the most disappointedly over-rated team to show up at A T and T Park since last September when the Cubs played the Giants.

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Emerald, by the way, stands not for the color, but for Emerald Nuts, the bowl’s sponsor.

This could the first, (and perhaps one of the few non R rated versions) of what will be a lot of jokes including the USC mascot and the bowl name.

The Trojans in the Emerald Bowl? You must be Nuts.

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Okay, if you believe God has any interest in sports whatsoever, then clearly He (or She) is rooting for the New Orleans Saints this year. Either that or God really enjoys torturing Redskins fans.

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A horse was entered in the sixth race Friday at Hollywood Park in Los Angeles named Driveliketiger. The horse unfortunately was scratched. Wonder if he claimed he hit a hydrant or a tree?

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The San Diego Padres have stated their 2010 payroll will probably fall from $42.6 million to around $30 million. You know what that means, for Padres players and fans it’s safe to plan that October vacation in Hawaii.

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And okay, another comment-rant on the BCS system. Baseball and basketball have enough games that this tends not to happen at any level. But imagine in the NFL, that a team like the New Orleans Saints, picked somewhere between 12-24th (yes, 24th by Sports Illustrated, oops) in NFL preseason polls, simply could not move high enough into the rankings to be able to play for the Super Bowl. Because there were too many teams once ranked above them. Whereas teams like the Indianapolis Colts would still have to win, but would have no problem qualifying if they did. Because that’s the system we’ve got.

Yeah, probably the three undefeated teams left out of the Championship game aren’t quite at Texas-Alabama level. (Although Texas sure didn’t look at “Texas level” in winning against Nebraska.) Boise State and TCU won every game they played. And Cincinnati even went undefeated in a BCS conference, knocking off more ranked teams (3) than either Texas or Alabama (2 each.) You get the sense that BCS officials will be wearing Tim Tebow eye-black during the Sugar Bowl, which pits the Bearcats against Florida.

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That sigh of relief you heard…

December 6, 2009

…was BCS officials when Texas kicker Hunter Lawrence’s kick sailed about 2 feet over the uprights to give the Longhorns a 13-12 victory over Nebraska. Had Nebraska pulled off the upset, the BCS committee would have had the choice for the BCS championship between TCU and Cincinnati. Both of which choices would surely be considered wrong by half the country. Not that the current system isn’t wrong already.

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Wonder how many votes he could get from Ohio (Cincinnati), Idaho (Boise State), and the Dallas-Ft Worth area (TCU), if President Obama added a rider to the healthcare bill to require an NCAA playoff system?

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Portland center Greg Oden fractured his kneecap during a game against the Houston Rockets today and will likely be out for the season. The only good news for the Trail Blazers. His hospital bills should be covered by Medicare.

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According to a San Francisco based consumer group, “The Good Guide”, apparently Zhu Zhu pets contain too high a level of the chemical, “antimony,” which can cause health issues.

Maybe we shouldn’t be sending troops to Afghanistan; it would be cheaper and cost less American lives to just ship them fast food and cheap toys.

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Minnesota police cited Vikings wide receiver Bernard Berrian going 104 mph in a 60-mph zone, a few days after they caught his teammate Adrian Peterson going 109 mph in a 55-mph zone. Meanwhile Brett Favre was allegedly cited for going 15 mph in a 35 mph zone, with his left blinker on.

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Tim Tebow always wears a bible verse on his eyeblack. Today’s was John 16-33, a verse that ends – “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The world, yes. Apparently Alabama, no.

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From Alex Kaseberg:

The Tiger Woods story is amazing. Married guys across the country are dumbfounded. Tiger was out dating women when he could have been playing golf? What is wrong with him?

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Amateur football, college and otherwise…..

November 10, 2009

In their loss to the Tennessee Titans Sunday, the San Francisco 49ers committed four turnovers. Four turnovers??! About the only thing that didn’t get dropped was Mike Singletary’s pants.

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The University of Oregon has reinstated running back LeGarrette Blount, who punched a Boise State player, and was originally suspended for the season..

Blount’s first game back with the Ducks will be Saturday against Arizona State. Apparently there were several factors involved in the decision, including Blount’s apology, his recent good behavior, and just possibly, Oregon’s loss to Stanford.

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University of Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez makes about $2.5 million a year. Unversity of Michigan president Mary Sue Coleman makes about half a million a year. And the worst disparity…this year the University’s academic programs are still nationally ranked.

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Today’s BCS standings: Oregon at #16 after they lost 51-42 to Stanford, USC at 10 after they beat ASU 14-9. Both teams with two losses. Shame there aren’t any head to head matchup numbers… Oh wait, the Ducks beat the Trojans 47-20. And we wonder why the U.S. has a bad reputation with math.

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Young people have a limited sense of history these days. For example upon hearing that it was the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, many San Francisco area teenagers asked “Did Berlin use CalTrans to do their work too?”

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commie pinko alert.

Joe Lieberman is so against a “public option” that he may filibuster the healthcare bill. If he feels so strongly about it why doesn’t he take a principled stand and renounce his OWN government healthcare? And then buy a competitive plan for himself and his family from the private sector….

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It’s November, isn’t there a baseball game somewhere?

November 9, 2009

The U.S. Northwest has been hit by a major early snow storm this week. Or as Bud Selig calls it “Baseball weather.”

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Now that the New York Yankees have won a World Championship they intend to stay on top but have promised some responsibility in their free agent off-season signings. Which means they intend to keep their payroll under $300,000,000.

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For those who are still complaining about the weather with the World Series, pitchers and catchers report to spring training in less than 100 days, in mid-February. Of course none of those games are played further north than Arizona.

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Breckenridge, Colorado, has voted to legalize marijuana for adults 21 and over. Which gives San Franciso a few years to follow suit so they don’t lose Tim Lincecum as a free agent to the Rockies.
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What a couple weeks for the Green Bay Packers. First they lose to the oldest quarterback in the NFL, Brett Favre, then they lose to the youngest quarterback, Josh Freeman. Didn’t we already see this nightmare with the ghosts of Christmas Past and Christmas Future…. ?

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Stanford football is back in the the AP top 25 for the first time in eight years. But they are guaranteed not to stay in that place next week. Because they play USC. Who is ranked number 11. Which means either they score a huge upset, and jump up. Or lose and fall out of the rankings. But isn’t a number 25 team supposed to lose to a number 11 team. For that matter, a number 12 team is supposed to lose to a number 11 team. And they wonder why fans don’t trust the polls and the BCS system…

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For that matter, I generally don’t believe in conspiracies because it’s hard for even two people to keep a secret. Besides, with the rumored SEC referee conspiracy what would be the point? Helping a conference team stay undefeated and get into the championship game or at least a BCS bowl? The payout for those games, which gets shared with other conference teams, is only about $18 million. Oops…. Never mind.

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So the healthcare bill passed the House with one Republican vote. Which means calling it bi-partisan is like calling the Detroit Lions a winning team.

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Rachel Christie, Miss England, has had to give up her crown after a drunken bar fight with Miss Manchester. She is, however, entertaining offers to become either Miss Country Western Music or Miss World Cup.

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from the very funny Jim Barach…

President Clinton says he wishes there weren’t term limits on the presidency and that he would have preferred to be taken from the White House in a coffin. He forgets how close Hillary was to granting him that request.

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