The most exciting two minutes in sports?

Posted May 5, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Today, the first Saturday in May,  is the Kentucky Derby.  For over a 100 years  known as the “Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.”

And the Derby still beats out contenders for that  title, like

“How long the Cubs’ playoff hopes last each year.”

“The length of most NBA players’ relationship with their baby-mamas.”

“The time it takes for David Ortiz to run from home to first.”

etc.  (other suggestions encouraged.)

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Lillian Musial died today at the age of 91.   She was married to Stan Musial for 71 years.  To put that in perspective,  that’s about 350 times the length of Kim Kardashian’s last marriage.

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Mariano Rivera, 42, says he will return to MLB from his ACL injury.   ” And why shouldn’t Mariano make it back?   Especiially since he’s such a young man”  -said Jamie Moyer.

The big news Friday from the PGA Wells Fargo Championship was that Tiger Woods has missed the cut this week. Golf fans should stand by for weekend television coverage of what Tiger is doing after missing the cut.

 

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The Saints are in trouble, the Secret Service is in trouble. Moral of the stories? Violence and sex are okay, as long as you don’t pay for them.

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John Edwards apparently referred to his mistress Rielle Hunter as “crazy.” Once again, the two sound perfect for each other.

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MCA of the Beastie Boys has passed away at the age of 47. It’s always way too young to die as a musician when people older than you have no clue about your music.

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Rick Perry says if Mitt Romney doesn’t win “God help us.” And God is thinking, wait a minute, I’m already working on helping Texas survive your being Governor.

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The Bill Buckner ball from the 1986 World Series just sold at auction for over $400,000. Have to wonder if the new buyer promptly dropped it?

Comments: 5 Comments

Love and marriage

Posted May 4, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn’t even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage.

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Chris Harrison, the host of TV’s “Bachelor/Bachelorette” has split from his wife of 19 years. Wow, if anyone is an expert on the grass not being greener…

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Chris Bosh was  uncertain for the Heat’s game 3 against the Knicks as his wife gave birth to a son early Thursday morning. Shocking. An NBA player had a baby with his WIFE?

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Michele Bachmann endorsed Mitt Romney on Thursday. Guess Michele’s trying to prove that even though she didn’t get the nomination, she’s still capable of making those tough decisions

Mariano Rivera has sustained a knee injury and could be out for the season. From all accounts he’s a nice guy. Still, “What bad luck, I’d hate to see that keep them out of the playoffs,” said no one who isn’t a Yankees fan.

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Snooki has called the “tanorexic” mother crazy for putting her five year old daughter in a tanning booth. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the carrot calling the pumpkin orange.

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A shareholder discovered that new Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson lied about having a bachelor’s degree in computer science. Wonder if he found the information on Google.

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The number of people seeking unemployment benefits fell last week by the most in nearly a year, which economists say is a hopeful sign that hiring could pick up in coming months. Think it’s time for another look at Obama’s birth certificate.

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Jeremy Lin said about his knee that “It doesn’t look good for game 4.”    Neither do the Knicks.

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Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, is now expecting an (unplanned) daughter with his current girlfriend. He says they plan to name her “”Breeze Beretta.” — Beretta “like the gun.” To quote Church Lady “Well, isn’t that special.”

(My friend Michael M. adds “One more of those and Levi could get a job in the NBA.”)

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Notre Dame QB Tommy Rees, 19, is in jail following his arrest for resisting police, felony battery to law enforcement, and public intoxication following a confrontation with police during a party last night. Insert “Fighting Irish” joke here:

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Just one of us.

Posted May 3, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Ann Romney wore a $1,000 blouse on television Thursday. Although the designer said it was an off-the-rack item and not one that was especially made for her. So can’t imagine how Ann is getting an increasingly out-of-touch reputation.

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Congrats to Jared Weaver of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on his no-hitter tonight. And he didn’t even get to pitch against Albert Pujols.-

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Magic Johnson says the Los Angeles Dodgers will reduce the price for general game parking from $15 to $10. Makes sense. $15 seemed a little steep for the 90 minutes or so between the third and seventh innings.

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Spirit Airlines has long charged for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. Now in November travelers who don’t pay that fee until they get to the gate to $100 PER bag. Well, the new policy may cut down on boarding time. If it doesn’t result in arrests for assaulting airline employees.-

 

Zito vs. Zambrano Tuesday night at A T & T Park.   Darn shame they couldn’t have  had the national anthem done by Z.Z.Top.

 

Newt Gingrich finally dropped out of the Presidential race. What is it about this man never knowing when to quit – unless a marriage is involved?

 

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Rick Perry said today that God forgives people for their “oops” moments. Makes sense, Perry might be one of God’s “oops” moments

 

Amar’e Stoudemire said it “wasn’t like I had a closed fist and just punched through the glass. I just walked by, wanted to make some noise, swung my arm, hit the fire extinguisher door….” So his defense is that he was dumber than he was angry?

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Oil Can Boyd says he used cocaine every day when he pitched for the Red Sox in 1986, a year he won 16 games in 1986 with a 3.78 ERA. Talk about things going better with Coke.

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The story last week on new Romney advisor Richard Grenell was that he had scrubbed hundreds of anti-women tweets. Today Grenell resigned, apparently over conservative ire that he was openly gay. So the message is clear: You can attack women all you want, as long as you sleep with them..

 

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On a serious note, while no one knows for sure what led to Junior Seau’s reported suicide, it does seem as if playing NFL football is increasingly bad for your physical and mental health. 

If the league is serious about protecting players, two suggestions: 1. Steroid suspensions have to be at least for a season. 2. Illegal hits that injure an opposing player should result in a suspension for the length of the injury, or the season. Otherwise the bounty punishments are just window dressing. IMHO. 

And R.I.P. Junior.

 

Comments: 2 Comments

Well hidden

Posted May 2, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Ann Romney says of Mitt that “There’s a wild and crazy man inside of there.” Right, and Hillary Clinton says there’s a monogamous man inside of Bill.

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Newt Gingrich said that it’s “clear Romney is the nominee and the focus should be on defeating Obama. We should not focus on defeating ourselves.” Surprised he didn’t add about the latter sentence “For my part, been there, done that.”

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Facebook has a new way to share your organ donation status with your friends, and link to state databases where you can sign up online. And if you use the app while driving, it may get you to donor status quicker.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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John McCain, when asked if President Obama’s surprise trip to Afghanistan was a political move, responded, “Well I think it’s a good thing, I think it’s always good when the pres. goes to where our young men and women are in harm’s way.” Well, that ought to be enough for some in the GOP to brand McCain as a RINO.

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Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have said their reality show “Khloe and Lamar” is going on “hiatus” while they take a “little time off for family time, kids, basketball, Olympics, you never know.” Millions of Americans responded, great move. Come back when you have grown grandchildren.

The Dow closed at a four year high today. And over at Romney headquarters someone is going “Quick, someone find out what other pet-type animal Obama ate when he was a child in Indonesia.”

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Albert Pujols’ homerless drought continues: I blame Obama.

All these May Day demonstrations come just days before Cinco de Mayo. If the Occupy and Labor folks really wanted to call positive attention to the day they’d hand out free margaritas.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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Regarding a top ten list for  next week,  I’m looking for non-original comments this time  – the most unintentionally funny line of the week.  Things like Joe Biden saying Obama has a “big stick”, or  Ann Romney saying her husband is a “wild and crazy guy.”    Just suggest lines in comments along with who said it.

Not quite a top 10 on new names for Metta World Peace.  To quote Gary Radnich, ‘nobody cares.”

But five good ones.

5. Anonymous:  Metta WWF Peace.

4.  Scott Ostler:  World Peace LOL

3. Mr. Irrevelant.

2. From PBen :  “Meh, World Peace.”

1. From Gary Bachman:  NucleArtest

Comments: 4 Comments

Mayday!

Posted May 1, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Amar’e Stoudemire apparently punched a glass fire extinguisher after the New York Knicks’ loss to Miami. He did as well against the glass as his team did against the Heat.

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Stoudemire’s self-inflicted cut hand probably means he’s done for the season. Now, New Yorkers are used to sports embarrassment this time of year. But usually the Mets are involved.

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Are they going to have to change all the signs on fire extinguishers at arenas across America? In case of loss, don’t break glass?

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What’s the difference between Albert Pujols and Amar’e Stoudemire this spring? Stoudemire has at least proved he can hit with power.

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The SF Giants are off to another start of great pitching and so-so hitting. But haven’t heard too much from those fans who wanted them to make a run at Albert Pujols.

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Today is the last day of April. Which means NBA fans can only look forward to two more months of playoffs.

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NBA fans still shaking their heads at the Grizzlies blowing a 27 point lead against the Clippers. What’s more amazing, a team played that badly down the stretch, and Lebron James wasn’t involved.

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Regarding all these May-Day protests, one of which will shut down some morning commuter ferries in the San Francisco area: Now, I’m generally supportive of workers over big corporations, but is it really the way to build support for your cause by making it more difficult for other working men and women to get to their jobs?
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The Charlotte Bobcats, whose 7-59 record was the first in NBA history, will not renew coach Paul Silas’ contract. But if the Bobcats really wanted to punish Silas, they would have had him coach a few more years.

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NBA commissioner David Stern was asked if he thinks all the major injuries this year, including Derrick Rose’s ACL tear, had anything to do with the lockout caused condensed schedule. “”I don’t think it’s related at all. Zero.” What’s next, Stern proclaiming players really don’t smoke pot or father out-oft-wedlock children either?

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Munich police arrested a man after he tried to pay for a taxi ride with marijuana because he was not carrying any cash. Silly guy, that only works in California.

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Kim Kardashian now apparently wants to become a comedy star. It’ s not enough for her that’s she’s already a punchline?
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A report says that the Tigers’ Delmon Young will be suspended by MLB for his alleged involvement in a New York fight and anti-Semitic remarks. Wonder if Young will use his free time to take in a few Mel Gibson movies?

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The GOP is accusing President Obama of exploiting the 1-year anniversary of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden for political purposes. Right, and if Seal Team Six had failed, I am sure Republicans would have never have mentioned it.

Comments: 2 Comments

House of Ill-Repute?

Posted April 29, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the Secret Service from visiting “non-reputable” establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter the House and Senate?

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Not saying Lindsay Lohan has aged but she looks too old for consideration as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.

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Newt Gingrich now says he will end his Presidential campaign Wednesday. Newt’s announcement had been planned for Tuesday but both his supporters couldn’t make it.

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Ah pitchers. The Rockies placed Jeremy Guthrie on the DL after he hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Was he trying to chew gum at the same time?

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Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom (Mr. Etch a Sketch) now says that President Obama’s auto bailout was Mitt’s idea. Right, because the way to get your bailout ideas out there is with an op-ed headline “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.”

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LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, who became a couple when they were both married to other people, renewed their vows for their first wedding anniversary. Wonder if it was meant as a renewal or a reminder?

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A Polish dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he showed up for an appointment after he dumped her. Were her parting words “Bite Me?”
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Yet another example of why President Obama will win the women’s vote: At Ft. Stewart: “For the gentlemen out there who are not yet married, let me just explain to you: Your goal is to improve your gene pool by marrying somebody who is superior to you.”

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How could anyone think Mitt Romney doesn’t get it….. At a small university in Ohio he told students “We’ve always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents..

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Comments: 3 Comments

Does Beer Improve With Age?

Posted April 28, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Snooki has said pregnancy has made her “a little more mature.” Well, hard to see how it could have made her a little less mature.

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At Coors Field in Denver Friday night,  Rockies 13, Mets 6, going to the bottom of the fifth. With a final score of 18 to 9.  Anyone send out a call for a humidor repairman?

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Coby Fleener to Indy to join his buddy Andrew Luck. Hope Colts fans are ready to sing along to “All Right Now.

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Joe Biden joked to the audience at a fundraising breakfast this morning that they were “dull as hell” and “the dullest audience i have ever spoken to.” Well, yeah, how dull do you have to be to find the idea of listening to Biden speak at breakfast interesting?

Well, at least Joe Biden didn’t say President Obama had a little stick.

 

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The California parents who are suing their son’s school for kicking him out of a honors English class for cheating claim it might keep him out of an Ivy League college. If not, the notoriety the family is getting might take care of that anyway.

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The Golden State Warriors won their coin toss with the Toronto Raptors. So they now have a 72.4% chance of making another bad choice with a lottery pick.

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A photo currently going around the internet purports to be a naked Kim Kardashian cooking eggs. Kim denies that the picture is actually her. Makes sense. Who’d imagine the woman can actually cook?

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A prankster made a fake call to Rutgers WR Mohamed Sanu saying he was taken in the first round by the Cincinnati Bengals. Not sure if crueler to make Sanu believer he was a 1st-rounder, or to have him believe he was going to be a Bengal.

(And then Cincinnati actually drafted him in the third round.  Poor kid.  Of course maybe it beats New Jersey.

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Dallas Cowboys first-round pick Morris Claiborne hads a reported score of 4 on the Wonderlic test, the lowest score in a decade. He said he “looked on the test and wasn’t nothing on the test that came with football, so I pretty much blew (it) off.” Well, with that kind of attitude he’ll fit in perfectly in Texas.

Added my friend Alex Kaseberg.”He scored so low (wait for it, wait for it) he was diagnosed with Mad Cowboy disease. Boooooooooon shang.”

 

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Rick Perry is now endorsing Mitt Romney. Well, makes some sense. Perry never actually said he had anything against vultures.
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Jackie Robinson would be appalled by Delmon Young.

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Ted Nugent said that he would be “dead or in jail” by this time next year if Obama were re-elected. Now he’s “insulted” because commanders at Fort Knox cancelled his appearance at a concert. Yo, Ted, in many countries around the world, make that kind of comments about a leader, and you WILL be dead or in jail.

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On the clock.

Posted April 26, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

The NFL is thinking about suspending the Pro Bowl. “That’s such a shame,” said absolutely nobody.

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Even though the NFL plans to suspend the Pro Bowl they intend to keep the balloting. So stars can get picked without actually really playing a game. Doesn’t sound much different than the status quo.

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In one of the most anticlimactic announcements of the year, Andrew Luck was the #1 draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts. Asked today what his favorite part of college was, Luck responded “Beating Cal!” Go Cardinal.

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The Ottawa Senators today became the last Canadian team eliminated from the NHL playoffs, thereby assuring that the 1992-93 Montreal Canadians remain the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup.

Canada in a two-decade hockey championship drought? This is like the U.S. having a two-decade drought in hot-dog eating.

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Watching NFL draft and wondering how many of these guys will be taking a pay cut next year?

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In Redwood City, California, the Daily News reports a 10th grader’s parents are suing the school district for kicking him out of an honors class for copying another kid’s homework They say his “due process rights were violated” because the school’s rules are “vague and contradictory.” Can’t imagine how the kid got that sense of entitlement.

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Newly-acquired and highly-touted New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda is out for the year. The Yankees are reacting the same way many wealthy New York women might react to a broken Christian Louboutin heel – “Well that s*cks, but time to go shopping.”

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Amongst other craziness tonight the Washington Generals, er, Wizards, beat the “Big Three”-less Heat by 34. And the Sacramento Kings beat the Kobe-less Lakers by 17. Proving again that the NBA should have offered these last games of the year at pre-season prices. Or lower.

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Boy Scout officials in Ohio have removed a popular Tiger Scouts (1st graders) den mother because she is a lesbian. Parents are protesting. And really, if these idiots are that worried about abuse, wouldn’t a lesbian be the safest leader around small boys?

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Not sure if the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff’s struggles on the field contributed to his going on the DL with an anxiety disorder. But on the bright side Huff has one more home run in 2012 than Aubert Pujols.

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Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is warning of a barrage of anti-Romney ads, saying ” Obama didn’t have to run a primary so he’s sitting on a stack of money so tall that a show dog couldn’t jump over it,” Well, especially a show dog who’s been cramped in a crate on a car roof so his legs are out of shape….

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Newt Gingrich said today that his “campaign will go bye-bye.” The man is 68 years old and he says “Bye-bye?” Who does he think he is talking to, one of his soon to be ex-wives?

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Bobby Valentine apparently started out with the wrong lineup for a game against the Twins, because he misread an iPhone app and thought a right-handed pitcher was a lefty. Sigh. There may not be beer in the Red Sox clubhouse, but sounds like Boston will be selling plenty in the stands.

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A dispute between rival hot dog vendors in downtown Albuquerque resulted in one vendor running over another with his cart. Insert “size of weiners” joke here.

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Comments: 1 Comment

Expect the unexpected.

Posted April 26, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Okay, about a month into the season who had the San Francisco Giants’ best starter being…. Barry Zito? Now okay, all you liars put your hands down.

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President Obama says that Mitt Romney isn’t going to be able to suddenly say, ‘Everything I’ve said for the last six months, I didn’t mean.’ And Mitt is thinking “Wanna bet?”

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Burger King, trying to differentiate themselves from their competitors, has vowed to use only cage-free chicken and pork in their food by 2017. Maybe they’d get more business if they promised to use those cages in their restaurants on some children.

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Folks in Arkansas are still pretty upset about the Bobby Petrino scandal. I mean, what was their coach doing in a car kissing a pretty young thing? And she wasn’t even his relative.

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And we wonder how lawyers get a bad reputation. In 2007 the Cosco Busan ship dumped over 50,000 gallons of oil into SF Bay after hitting the Bay Bridge. Attorneys for the owners are suing the Long’s (now CVS) pharmacy since they say it is partially their fault for giving the pilot his prescription medications.

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The Supreme Court seems sympathetic to Arizona’s immigration law. “What does government mean if it doesn’t allow states to defend its borders,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. Hmm, does that mean California can defend ourselves against those who don’t like, for example, our medical marijuana laws?

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The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. The perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/collections/all

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Thanks to Marc Ragovin for this insight, “how ironic that a black man sent Tim Thomas packing.”

And really, coincidence, or karma being one smart b*tch? Boston Bruins star goalie Tim Thomas turned down a visit to the White House for what he said were political reasons. And the Washington Capitals’ Joel Ward, one of the few black players in the NHL,  scored the series winning goal.

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Get out your hankies – Ann Romney in 1994, about her college years with Mitt:. “We were happy, studying hard. Neither one of us had a job, because Mitt had enough of an investment from stock that we could sell off a little at a time.” We “walked to class together, shared housekeeping, had a lot of pasta and tuna fish and learned hard lessons.”

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Mississippi’s Governor said today that Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children.” Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage?

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Back to sports: My latest little Top Ten readers list. (Since ESPN.com is still evaluating whether they want to bring the list back.) Looking for suggestions, now that he’s been suspended for that violent hit, and has some time on his hand, what’s your suggestion for a good new name for Metta World Peace?

Will post my favorites next Monday night.

Comments: 4 Comments

Follow the money.

Posted April 25, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Mitt Romney’ s website states “We have a moral responsibility, not to spend more than we take in.” Although Mitt is calling for a $100 billion increase in the Pentagon budget. Guess he’s following that old W. axiom “money spent on wars doesn’t count.”

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The Golden State Warriors, who lose their draft pick to Utah if it’s not a lottery pick, are on the cusp of winning just enough games to probably finish out of that lottery. On the other hand, at least Warriors fans won’t be disappointed again by a another lousy pick.

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A case of Mad Cow disease has been discovered in California. Let’s hear it again from Mitt Romney how he wants to cut the FDA food inspection budget by 5-20 percent.

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That vicious hit by the NBA player formerly known as Ron Artest resulted in a seven game suspension. So for the next couple weeks, good news for beauty pageant contestants – World Peace is available!
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Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio says he plans to release new findings that will prove President Obama’s birth certificate is a forgery. Even Donald Trump is thinking “Dude, give it up already.

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No one quite knows why Newt Gingrich finally is saying he might drop out of the Presidential race. Maybe someone said he was wedded to the idea of running?

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Starbucks is going to open store at Disney theme parks in California and Florida. Makes sense. These are some of the few places in the world where their coffee will look like a bargain by comparison.

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The BCS is looking at a plan to have a 4 team playoff, with the big BCS bowl games played around January 1. New Year’s Day bowl games?! What a radical concept!

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A new survey of over 1,000 passengers claims the most popular seat on an average flight in economy class is 6a. Clearly “the furthest seat possible away from a screaming infant” was not an option.

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President Obama today to Jimmy Fallon about the Secret Service scandal “”What these guys were thinking, I don’t know.” Uh, Mr. President, that’s the point. They weren’t thinking. At least with their upper brains.

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How old is Jamie Moyer?

Posted April 24, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , ,

As promised, or threatened, as the ageless wonder goes to break his own record Tuesday for the oldest pitcher ever to win a MLB game, here are a top 10 of “How old is Jamie Moyer?”

10. from my son Carey, no nepotism here… Jamie Moyer is so old than Cy Young once won a Jamie Moyer award.

9. Jamie is so old, instead of a bobblehead, the Rockies will honor him this season by offering the first 20,000 fans in attendance a pair of Moyer reading glasses.

8. Gary M. Jamie Moyer is so old that when asked what’s been the toughest obstacle he’s faced in his long career, Moyer answered, “Prohibition.

7. Dana H. Jamie Moyer is so old, when asked if he twitters he replies that he has no desire to sound like a bird.

6. Jamie Moyer is so old, the Rockies are afraid he’ll quit mid-season to spend more time with his grandchildren.

5. Chris C. He’s the first pitcher to have his pitches timed by radar gun, stop watch and someone counting Mississippi’s.

4. Jamie Moyer is so old, writing jokes about him is like shooting fish in a barrel, with a musket.

3. The spacebug. Prior to the invention of grocery stores, Jamie Moyer learned to pitch by throwing rocks at squirrels for supper.

2. Marc R. Jamie Moyer is so old, that as he labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inning. Literally.”

1. Gary M. Jamie Moyer is so old, his first uniform number was “L.”

Comments: 1 Comment

Two Americas. Or at least two lives.

Posted April 23, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Just how low has John Edwards’ reputation fallen? At this point both Democrats and Republicans expect that if he is convicted of using campaign funds to hide his affair, Edwards will ask for mercy on the grounds that he is a widower.

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Infielder Reggie Williams was released by the Twins this April. He’s since tweeted “Why are there so many gay people these days?” and ranted about seeing “the bold act of gayness in public.” Think it’s a safe bet this is one dude who won’t be offered a contract by the San Francisco Giants.

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Commie-pinko quote of the week: “Here you are during a time of the great crisis for this nation…and you say, this is all this great country can offer up? I think boldness is thrown right out the window. I think courage is not on display. I think most Americans are pretty fed up.” The radical speaker? Jon Huntsman. Speaking at Harvard’s Kennedy School.

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The John Edwards trial starts tomorrow, focused on campaign money he spent on behalf or and/or to cover his adulterous relationship with Rielle Hunter. Who did Edwards think he was? A potential President or an SEC football coach?

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Truly scary thought, had John Kerry won in 2004, could have been our Vice President. With a leg up on the Presidency. So to speak.

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Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell is talked about as a likely V.P. pick for Mitt Romney, except that some perceive him to have flip-flopped on the abortion issue. Well, actually this should make him a perfect fit for Mitt.

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A California man and his family barely escaped without life-threatening injuries when a propane tank in their pickup truck exploded while they were in line at a McDonald’s drive-thru. So for at least one day the most dangerous thing at McDonald’s wasn’t the food.

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Got to love this ESPN headline: “Metta World Peace ejected for violent hit.”

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And hey, if the expected suspension for that hit happens, yep, we’re all going to have to survive without World Peace.

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Last weekend the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, looking towards the playoffs, said “We don’t want to be at our best right now.” Yesterday Wade dislocated a finger and is out indefinitely. Maybe God is a fan of the NBA regular season.

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Mitt Romney in Jan. 2012, ““I don’t have complaints about the media, the media is doing their job…the best job (they) can.” Mitt Romney now “There will be an effort, by the quote, vast left-wing conspiracy, to work together to put out their message and attack me.” Good to know Mitt’s as consistent about the media as he is about most things.

Comments: 3 Comments

Fenway Fiasco

Posted April 22, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Who knew – on the 100th anniversary weekend of Fenway Park, Boston Red Sox relievers would throw a “Put It On a Tee” Party.

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Or maybe they were commemorating the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

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For those who didn’t hear, the Red Sox on Saturday had a 9-0 lead, and the bullpen blew it in less than two innings.

Wonder if manager Bobby Valentine put out an emergency order for a keg?

And anyone watching Sunday night’s “ESPN Game of the Week” will have fun watching Terry Francona try to keep that smirk off his face.

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A new unauthorized biography of Simon Cowell reveals, amongst other things, that the former American Idol judge has had Botox injections. Really, next thing they’ll be trying to tell us is that Cowell is a bit conceited.

(my sister’s comment, you have to admit his breasts look pretty good for a 51 year old.)

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The latest news on the Secret Service Scandal is that Colombian authorities are investigating whether some of the prostitutes involved were underage. Forget morals, looks like some of these guys are too stupid to be in the Secret Service.

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President Obama has now apparently been briefed on the Secret Service scandal. Bill Clinton has offered to help lead the investigation.

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Nebraska CB Alfonzo Dennard, expected to be a 2nd-3rd round NFL pick, was involved in a bar fight and arrested for resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer. Police say it took four officers to take him into custody. Four officers? Maybe some team should draft him as a kick returner.

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Chuck Colson, Nixon’s “evil genius,” who went to prison for his role in the Watergate conspiracy, has died. In 2000, Gov. Jeb Bush restored Colson’s civil rights so he could vote, sit on a jury, run for office and practice law. And called him “a great guy … a great Floridian.” Just imagine the GOP and/or Fox News if a similar sort of pardon had come from Obama.

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Trivia for the day: Phil Humber, who just pitched a perfect game for the White Sox, was the winning pitcher for Rice against Stanford in the 2003 College World Series title game.

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Still looking for “How old is Jamie Moyer?” jokes…. will post on Monday.

Comments: 2 Comments

Semantic Saturday

Posted April 21, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Mass. Senator Scott Brown said he’s given up alcohol until the election, and hasn’t had anything to drink since Jan. 1. But last week he was sampling beer with a reporter at a small brewery. Guess it depends what the definition of drink is.

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One of the Secret Service agents who has resigned in the recent prostitute scandal formerly supervised the agency’s canine training unit near D.C. Well, it takes a dog to know a dog.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A security guard at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally shot himself in the leg while cleaning his gun inside the museum today. Was he dreaming of being a New York Jet?

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Sarah Palin is upset because a Secret Service man said he was “checking her out.” Another thing that wouldn’t have happened under Bill Clinton. Then checking out women was the President’s job.

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Well, if nothing else we’ve learned one thing this week – it’s time for the Secret Service to increase their recruitment of women.

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GOP Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels said this week that Mitt Romney’s White House campaign was too negative, saying “You have to campaign to govern, not just to win.” Showing again why Daniels was about as likely as Jon Huntsman to make to through a Republican primary.

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Regarding the mini-controversy about the Secret Secret agent who was “checking out” Sarah Palin – have to think the McCain campaign wishes they had checked her out a little more before putting her on the ticket,

An Oxnard, California teacher who was fired for her work as a porn actress has hired a lawyer to fight her dismissal. Hundreds of fathers rushed to her defense, saying “We need to see more evidence.”

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NCAA president Mark Emmert, finding the positive in the scandals that have resulted in the firing of so many big-time coaches. . “You’re seeing boards of directors, of trustees, presidents and ADs saying ‘You know you’ve done a great job here. We love you. We pay you really well. You get all this adoration. You’ve got to live by the rules.'” Or at least not get caught.

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And really, regarding Bobby Petrino, was he really fired for being a douchebag who cheated on his wife and pulled strings to hire his underqualifed 25 year old mistress? Or was he fired in the end for being a lousy motorcycle rider?

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Parents are apparently suing Apple because kids who have their folks’ passwords are racking up big bills buying game add-ons while playing ostensibly free iPhone games. Uh, wouldn’t it be simpler not to give your child your password in the first place?

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US Airways is moving closer to a merger with American Airlines. In hopes of actually proving that two wrongs can make a right.

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Fenway Park is 100 years old today. Wow. When it opened those “Cubs World Champions” shirts had barely faded at all.

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Chicago Cubs have lost five straight. Now Kerry Wood is on the 15-day disabled list with right shoulder fatigue. And Ryan Dempster had MRI on quad and might miss his next start. Reminding Cubs fans again of the truth of the adage, “Cheer up, things could be worse.”

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A ten-year old boy at an Indianapolis Olive Garden was accidentally served a fruit daiquiri with rum instead of the smoothie he had ordered. Shocking, there’s an Olive Garden that actually puts rum in their fruit daiquiris?

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Dwight Howard will have season-ending surgery. Which means for the Magic he will now definitely be about as much of a factor as they expected in the playoffs.

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And Howard allegedly said before his injury that he would never play again for coach Van Gundy. Maybe God thought “that can be arranged.”

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Still looking for some top ten “How old is Jamie Moyer” suggestions.

The ageless one is pitching Monday. So technically shouldn’t every time Moyer pitches be “Turn back the Clock” night?

Comments: 2 Comments

Red, red, whine…..

Posted April 20, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

After an outcry from vegans, Starbucks is changing its Strawberry Soy Frappucino recipe to eliminate a common red dye made from crushed cochineal bugs, in favor of a tomato-based extract. Here’s a radical idea, what about using strawberries?

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Newt Gingrich is apparently still getting Secret Service protection. Although at this point the security detail has been reduced to three people. Curiously, that’s about as many as his remaining supporters.”

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An Alabama football player has been hospitalized following a fight where shots were fired. What’s was the kid doing, trying to get on the draft radar for the Cincinnati Bengals?

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The Colts have apparently told Andrew Luck he’ll be their #1 pick. In related news a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

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Carnival-owned Princess Cruises doing an internal investigation because one of their ships allegedly ignored a small boat in distress and two men died. Will the captain’s defense be that he just thought it was another Costa captain who fell into a lifeboat?

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About 50 students at Berkeley High School in California will be suspended and two or three expelled for a scheme where they got into the school’s computer and were able to change their attendance record for several months. Wonder how many high tech companies have offered the kids who were involved jobs?

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Bud Selig said today that the Oakland A’s need a new stadium to survive, but he has “no timetable” for the resolution of their territorial rights issue with the Giants, an issue Selig formed a “blue ribbon committee” for over 3 years ago. Even Brett Favre is saying “Make up your bleeping minds.”

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Arkansas AD Jeff Long says he has 25 pages of detailed notes from ex-coach Petrino and Jessica Dorrell about their relationship. Now court documents say John Edwards’ trial will include “intimate voice-mail messages” between him and Rielle Hunter. Which of these wins the TMI award?

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Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino told his boss that his affair with Jessica Dorrell only began last fall when they were sitting in a car eating lunch and she said “are you going to kiss me?” Where’s the “Just say No” campaign when you need it.

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Petrino said his affair with Jessica Dorrell lasted about 5 months and was over in February. Right. Nothing says a relationship is over like a secret motorcycle ride for two at midnight.

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SMU hired Larry Brown as their head men’s basketball coach. Brown, 71, hasn’t coached since he looked over-the-hill in 2010 and left the Charlotte Bobcats with a 9-19 record. Considering the Bobcats this year are 7-54, Larry now looks like a genius by comparison.

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Obama re-election campaign offering supporters a chance to enter a raffle for dinner with the President and Georgy Clooney. Wonder if Romney campaign will counter with a raffle for Mitt and Ted Nugent?

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A Delta Airlines flight leaving JFK Airport today hit a flock of birds and had to return for an emergency landing. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the birds.

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The way the San Jose Sharks playing Thursday night looks like someone pulled the plug on their power plays.

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The Vatican is blasting the “Leadership Conference of Women Religious”, a U.S. group they say sponsors conferences that feature “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith,” including supporting Obamacare. The members of this “liberal” group? 55,000 American nuns..

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From Marc Ragovin: “As Jamie Moyer labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inining. Literally.”

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And open note to readers. ESPN.com has decided to put their fun weekly Top 10 Readers Lines on a given subject on hiatus at least for a while. So to very partially fill in the hole, I’m going to try a few Top 10’s on this blog. First week – “10 ten signs lines about how old Jamie Moyer is” Reader suggestions encouraged in comments. Aiming for Monday morning post.

(and yes, I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a musket.)

Comments: 8 Comments

Not so Secret Service?

Posted April 19, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

All these folks accusing the Secret Service of Clinton-like behavior…. Get real, Bill never needed to pay for it.

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Is the Secret Service scandal embarrassing? Heck yes. But as noted on their website “Secret Service special agents spend their first 6 to 8 years on the job assigned to a field office. After their field experience, agents usually are transferred to a protective detail where they will stay for 3 to 5 years.” Means Obama admin. didn’t hire these dudes. It’s not a political issue, it’s a stupidity issue…

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And for those who say, “Who cares what these guys do after hours?” Well, leaving aside blackmail possibilities, remember, or Google, the “Profumo affair.”

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For that rare trivia overlap between baseball and hockey. how about the Senators-Rangers series? Because the 1961 Washington Senators actually are now the Texas Rangers. (You could look it up.)

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Mitt Romney said today he would “strengthen fellow Americans because I believe very fundamentally remaining a shining city on a hill.” So that’s Nixon and Reagan in one sentence, how did he leave out “Thousand points of light” and “Is our children learning?”

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John Edwards, infamous for his $400 haircuts, may not be as wealthy as he used to be. According to the New York Post, Edwards is now going to Supercuts for $12.95 trims. What a shame, said absolutely no one.

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For the 100th anniversary of Fenway Park on Friday the Yankees will wear uniforms modeled after their 1912 uniforms as the New York Highlanders. Curiously enough, 1912 might also have been the last year the Yankees’ payroll was under $100 million.

(t’s a shame that the Red Sox aren’t playing the Rockies. Moyer probably can still fit into his 1912 uniform.)

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Ah, who’s to stay the NCAA doesn’t crack down on the premier programs. They just announced the Toledo men’s basketball team will be banned from next year’s postseason because of past academic problems. The Toledo Rockets were last in the NCAA tournament in 1980.

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Now that Rick Santorum is out of the Presidential race, guess we won’t hear him pronounce that having men in the Secret Service obviously leads to “compromising situations?

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Mitt Romney said he’d “clean house” in the Secret Service and suggested a “lack of leadership” led to the scandal. But Mitt also said he has confidence in Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan. Can’t imagine how Romney gets the reputation for wanting to have it both ways.

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A group is suing ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” saying that in 10 years the programs have never had a person of color as the featured person looking for love on air. Hmm. Discrimination? Or just another example helping to shatter the myth of white intellectual superiority.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An article appeared in Ben Maller’s blog entitled ‘How The One Percent Dines at Sporting Events’. Included–they pool their money for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium”

Comments: 1 Comment

Jamie Moyer – Golden Oldie.

Posted April 18, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Congrats to Jamie Moyer on his first win of the 2012 season. The lefty thus becomes the first MLB pitcher to have a win transmitted not only on the internet, but also by Morse Code.

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The Braves have announced plans to retire John Smoltz’s number this spring. Assume Smoltz, 47, will get a gold watch. Presumably when some team retires Jamie Moyer’s number they will give him a gold sundial?

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Not only did Americans not win the Boston Marathon, there was only one U.S. runner in each of the men and women’s top ten. What was this, an academic competition?

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Kentucky’s starting five players on their National Champion men’s basketball team (three freshman and two sophomores) have all announced they will enter this year’s NBA draft. Call me old-fashioned but it would be nice if when these schools hang the banner there was at least one player around in the fall to see it.

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A Texas company had to recall t-shirts because they featured an “SEC” logo over a partial U.S. map. But they left Missouri, new to the SEC, off the map, and included North Carolina, which is not a member. Hmm, assume the apparel firm was founded by former SEC student-athletes?

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During his suspension, New Orleans coach Sean Payton will be banned from all NFL contact. Washington fans watching this bounty mess are hoping against hope that Redskins owner Dan Snyder will somehow be implicated.

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Ted Nugent spoke to the NRA last week and compared Obama to a coyote that needs to be shot, and said if the President is re-elected “I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” Which means Nugent is now getting more Secret Service attention than anyone who’s not a Columbian prostitute.

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An ABC News report says Secret Service agents accused of misconduct with prostitutes in Columbia were bragging at a nightclub by saying they worked for Obama. This would never have happened under Clinton, he would have been right there beside them.

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Kim Kardashian has now said she intends to run for mayor of Glendale, Calif. Fortunately for the good citizens of the city, her campaign will only last 72 days.

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In jury selection for Roger Clemens’ perjury trial, several prospective jurors questioned the value of Congressional hearings on the steroids issue in the first place. Well, it’s not like there are any more pressing issues Congress has to deal with….

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A labor dispute may result in the liquidation of Hostess Brands, the maker of Twinkies and HoHos. In related news, U.S. obesity figures are expected to drop at least 5%.

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For most Americans, April 17 was Tax Day. For the Romneys, it was “File-an-Extension-For-The-Taxes-You-Won’t-Pay-Much-of-Anyway Day.”

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Flip flop alert: Chris Christie, who has repeatedly said he doesn’t want to be vice president, now says if he gets called he “will sit down and talk to Gov. Romney about it.”. Run with Mitt Romney? Sounds like he’s trying to be Mitt Romney.

Comments: 3 Comments

There might be gambling in Casablanca too.

Posted April 17, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Secret service men screw around, football players try to injure each other. Next thing someone will be trying to tell us is that there are still performance enhancing drugs in baseball..

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Lincecum 0-2 after another really rough first inning. Is prescription medical marijuana allowed by rules of MLB?? Let Timmy smoke!

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Mitt Romney, in an interview with Diane Sawyer, was asked about putting his dog Seamus on the car roof, specifically “would you do it again?” His response “Certainly not with the attention it’s received.” In other words, “Well maybe, if I could figure out how to do it with no one finding out.”

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New Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine said this weekend that he didn’t think Boston fan favorite Kevin Youkilis was “as physically or emotionally into the game.” What’s next? Valentine saying he loves and respects the Yankees?

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The Patriot-News in Harrisburg, PA won a Pulitzer for local reporting for breaking the Penn State sexual abuse scandal. Wonder if the Pulitzer people will wait 10 years to give them the award.

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Vin Scully, 84, has recovered from his severe and is back in the booth at Dodger Stadium. He hopes to call all the team’s remaining home games, especially the upcoming May 11-13 Rockies series, when he can see that “nice young man” Jamie Moyer pitch.

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Mitt Romney this weekend said that “Fox News has been good to me.” In related news, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

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SF Giants have signed Madison Bumgarner to a contract extension through 2017. By the time the contract is up MadBum will almost be old enough to drink.

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Got to love the San Francisco Giants’ Madison Bumgarner, 22, from a small town in North Carolina. Asked what he was going to do with all that money after signing a 5 year $35 million contract, he paused, and then responded. “I don’t know. Maybe buy more cows?.”

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The silly season continues. The Wisc. Democratic Party. has filed a complaint alleging Mitt Romney violated bribery laws in handing out free sub sandwiches during the GOP primary while encouraging people to go vote. (The law forbids gifts valued at more than $1 in exchange for a vote.) Romney is laughing it off. But if the Obama campaign starts giving out food, prepare for a Congressional investigation.

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Notre Dame has long had an agreement with IMG radio for national broadcasts of all their football games. Now USC announced they have the second such national deal, with ESPN Radio for all of the Trojans’ home games. Once again, can’t imagine how student-athletes get the idea college football is about money.

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This whole Secret Service scandal came to light over one man not paying his hooker the $47 he owed her. $47?!! This story may not do much for the reputation of the Secret Service, but it’s likely to do wonders for Columbian tourism.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg: “Let me get this straight. A secret service agent hires a Columbian hooker, brings her back to his sleazy hotel room, has sex with her, cheats her out of her fee and then lies about it. Here is my question: why isn’t this guy a politician? He’s a natural.

Comments: 2 Comments

Disaster tourism?

Posted April 16, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

A $150 million Titanic visitors center opened last month in Belfast. The museum hopes to be the biggest draw for fans of disasters since Wrigley Field.

(Canadian readers may want to substitute Air Canada Center, home of the Toronto Maple Leafs.)

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The Titanic was built in Belfast, hence the museum location. But you have to think that somewhere, other shipyards are saying “Hey, we built boats that DIDN’T sink.”

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Since former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is so expert at texting, wonder if he also has changed his Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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IHOP is advertising their new “Signature Pancakes.” Including “Chocolatey Red Velvet Pancakes Drizzled with Cream Cheese Icing.” Wonder what customers order for dessert?

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Well, it’s early days in the 2012 MLB season, but who’d a thunk that the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff, batting .217, still has more HRs than Albert Pujols?

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Eli Manning will host SNL. Giselle Bunchen said that they would have asked Tom Brady again but the show would have unreasonably expected her husband to do all the comic work.

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Rick Petino’s son Richard Petino is going to become the men’s basketball coach at next season FIU. So how long until the NCAA preemptively starts their investigation?

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People have a right to their opinions. But would like to hear Michelle Bachmann, and some others who are so outraged against Hilary Rosen’s “anti-women” comments, also explain why they voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.

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Seen on the side of a 24 ounce Dr. Pepper bottle: “Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening.” Think there’s a story, and more than a few lawyers, behind that one?

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A Houston restaurant served 12 guests last night a 10 course recreation of the last first class meal on the Titanic, at $12,000 a head. (no typo.) Isn’t it nice to know that 100 years after the disaster, Americans have moved away from such a rigid class system…?

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On their Kuala Lumpur to London route, Malaysia Airlines is starting a family friendly economy class section, along with a “no kids under 12 allowed” section. Prompting this response from most domestic travelers – can they start flying around the U.S.?

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Quote of the day from January 2012, about poor women on welfare. “Even if you have a child 2 years of age, you need to go to work. I’m willing to spend more giving day care to allow those parents to go back to work. It’ll cost more, but I want the individuals to have the dignity of work.'” Another anti-mom liberal? No, Mitt Romney.

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New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie just had his 10th child, by a total of eight women in six states. Although the last two kids were born to his wife, the first eight, 7 years old and under, all have single moms. Hmm, strikes me there are worse things for the fabric of our society than free birth control….

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South American Stupidity.

Posted April 15, 2012 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Apparently the Secret Service prostitute scandal came to light with a dispute involving one woman who claimed she wasn’t paid and talked to police. Moral of the story, “Always pay your whores.” (As long as you don’t use campaign funds, yes I mean you John Edwards.)

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Augie’s response to my comment that this “More unemployment to blame on Obama – these men would never have been fired if Bill Clinton were President.”

“Not only would they not have been fired, they would have been his security detail while he visited the brothels.”

Though to give Clinton his due, not sure Bill ever had to pay any woman at the time. He did pay enough for his lying later.

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Not to say that the Sharks’ loss Saturday night to the Blues was overly fight-filled. But I heard St. Louis won by a TKO.
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Once again, “To Kill a Mockingbird” is on the U.S. top ten list of banned books. Wonder how many of these folks who ban books actually read.

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For those worried about signs of the apocalypse, it may be a relief to know that Barry Zito does now have an ERA in 2012. On the other hand, the Washington Nationals are in first place.

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Robin Gibbs is in a coma. And “Glee” has a Bee-Gees episode planned for Tuesday. Following their Whitney Houston episode earlier this year. The show could be getting more dangerous than the cover of “Madden NFL.”

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have announced their engagement. Apparently the ring took almost a year to design. That’s longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries whole relationship.

(Nick Coombs adds “No word yet on if Jolie will try to adopt the child who mined the diamond for her ring.”)

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According to SI.com, Bobby Petrino’s mistress Jessica Dorrell’s “interview feedback” notes say she had “the most overall experience of building relationships that the football program is looking for.” Well, “building a relationship” is one way to put it.

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What was Bobby Petrino thinking? Being in Arkansas, getting involved with a young woman, and putting her on the university payroll? Why, the gal wasn’t even his relative.
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Mitt Romney’s campaign has sent out a fundraising solicitation looking for the first 1,000 people who can donate $50,000 and become a “Founding Member” of “Romney Victory.” Well, guess now that he’s looking to the General Election, Mitt decided he needed to reach out to the middle class.

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Great game by Matt Cain yesterday in the SF Giants home opener. Only two disappointments: The one hit he allowed in an otherwise perfect game. And his total of 11 strikeouts was two short of the 13 required for all fans to get a coupon for free bratwursts.

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Description of the movie “Titanic” in today’s newspaper TV guide: “The ship hits an iceberg.” Gosh, really?! Talk about a spoiler.

Comments: 2 Comments

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