Archive for the ‘sports jokes’ category
July 25, 2012
Going from the Mariners to the Yankees was apparently Ichiro’s idea. Guess at this point the man wants a ring so bad he’d almost be willing to marry Kobe Bryant.
–
Tripp Palin, 3, called his aunt an anti-gay slur on his mom Bristol’s reality show. And just think, we could have put this family a heartbeat away from the White House. Stay classy, Palins.
–
A Southern California man was unhappy when a “Batman, The Dark Knight Rises” showing didn’t start on time, so he stood up and yelled “I should go off like in Colorado. Does anybody have a gun?” Whatever charges they bring against him should certainly include felony stupidity.
–
In London during the Olympic games, bettors can places wagers on everything from it raining every day, to from UFO sightings, to London’s Mayor catching his hair on fire with the torch. But the real longshot bet – that NBC will show any meaningful event live to Americans in prime time.
–
William Staub, who changed exercise forever by inventing the treadmill, died at the age of 96. Apparently he had been seen on one of his machines just a couple months ago. Many Americans really wish he had attributed his long life to never using the things.
–
Mitt Romney said Sunday that Australia’s foreign minister, Bob Carr, had told him privately that the United States was “in decline.” And Romney criticizes Obama for paying too much attention to other countries?
A “Good Morning America/ABC News” story on the Penn State scandal and sanctions stated “Perhaps paying the highest price and feeling most victimized are former players.” Uh, I think I can think of some boys and men who might feel more victimized than that.
–
Sherman Hemsley passed away far too early at 74. As George Jefferson, a character who could be as much of a bigoted jerk as Archie Bunker, he struck a twisted but real blow for racial equality. Here’s hoping Sherman is already “movin’ on up.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 23, 2012
The manager of a Colorado gun range turned the Aurora shooter down for membership because he seemed too weird and “creepy.” Maybe someone should hire that guy for the next task force deciding how to authorize gun purchases.
–
And as far as deadly weapons, some compare guns to cars. And yes, cars can kill people. But to drive one in the U.S. you need an exam and a license.
–
Trying to be fair, when pro-gun types imagine armed citizens at the Batman premiere in Aurora, they think ex-military or very highly trained civilians. Whereas those of us who don’t like guns think more like Plaxico Burress or George Zimmerman.
From Paul Seaburn: Mitt Romney is leaving the U.S. this week to visit England, Israel, Poland and his money.
–
The Oakland A’s 2012 payroll – $55 million. Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira’s 2012 salaries put together? Over $53 million. For New York Yankees fans this weekend, money not only couldn’t buy happiness, it couldn’t even buy a win.
–
Just a bit unclear on the concept? Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz on the Penn State sanctions: “You’re talking about ruining the lives of people.”
–
NCAA President Mark Emmert in announcing Penn State sanctions: “Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.” Wow. And he said it with a straight face.
–
Another sad story. Sally Ride, 61, the first female astronaut, died today of pancreatic cancer. I had a “Major Matt Mason” astronaut action figure as a kid in the late 1960s….we couldn’t imagine you could have a female version.
–
–
Ah perspective. With the vacated Penn State wins, now the winningest coach in D1 college football history is Bobby Bowden. Who has been often criticized over the years for running a program where bad things like illegally free shoes were involved.
–
From T.C., Will Pittsburgh join Chicago with the slogan “Da Bears?”
Scary thought: As different as the two candidates in the Presidential election are, and as much media coverage as there as been of both President Obama and Mitt Romney, our country’s future may lie in the hands of people who haven’t come close to making up their mind
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Penn State jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 22, 2012
Can we make “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?
–
The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.
–
Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno. If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?
–
Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?
(my friend Steve Moyer suggests ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)
–
Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”
–
And another serious thought: Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings. Uh, while I hate guns, I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves. But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ? In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.
–
And okay, so the guy got the guns legally. If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition? And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere? (Heck, Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week, the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)
–
What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days — “Let’s go Yankees!” and “When does the NFL season start?”
Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow, Mets?”
–
Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.
–
And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh, PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears. (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:
Sears’ new slogan? “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”
–
Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention? “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?
–
“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.
–
More suggestions encouraged.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, Joe Paterno statue jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 21, 2012
21 people in San Jose were treated for burns on their feet after a Tony Ribbons “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, which concluded with participants “firewalking” in bare feet over hot coals.
Uh, wouldn’t a better title be “Unleash the Idiot Within?”
–
What’s more bizarre? That in late July 2012 Tim Lincecum won to boost his record to 4-10. Or that many skeptics dismissed the win by saying “Oh, it’s only against the Phillies?”
–
Our long national nightmare is over. Starting Monday, “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” are back on Direct TV.
–
When asked about the new NBA idea to put ads on uniforms, MLB commissioner Bud Selig said “You learn never to say never, but you know, with us, uniforms are really important.” Translation, “The Yankees don’t want ads.”
–
Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt was arrested this morning for DUI in Kentucky. Okay, so we can’t solve all the problems of the world, but maybe the NFL could start mandating contracts that include players using cars and drivers?
–
A large black dog crossing the road in front of Tour de France riders has caused a crash in Friday’s stage of the race. And somewhere a French cat is sitting in the sun smirking and thinking “chien fou.”
–
An Oregon woman is selling her house after a divorce with a “For Sale” sign saying “Husband left us for a 22 year old. No adulterers please.” Maybe if she’s lucky she’ll sell it to a gay couple who’ve been together 40 years.
–
The U.S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform.
One word: “Fabulous.”
–
–
From Gary Bachman: “Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, ‘What are condoms?’
”
Aubrey Huff is going to return to San Francisco for another MRI. Apparently he had a knee setback. “Darn” said absolutely no Giants fans.
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Daily show jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Tour de France jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 20, 2012
So who’s the least plausible human here?
A scary thought, they’ve all written books.
–
According to the Freeh report, Penn State Board of Trustees Chairman Steve Garban was briefed at least twice about the Sandusky case but didn’t inform other board members. Today Garban resigned, saying the past months have been “some of the most painful of my life.” “I feel so sorry for him” – said absolutely no one.
NBA commissioner David Stern now says the league is looking to add revenue by permitting “small ” advertising patches on uniforms starting in the 2013-14 season. Translation, by 2020, Nascar move over.
–
Freudian? The Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu is run by the Mormon church. On my smartphone emails from them show up abbreviated as “Polynesian Cult.”
–
–
Some conservatives love to say how almost 50 percent of Americans pay no federal income tax.
And at least in 2009 that number might have included a certain Presidential candidate….
–
Ann Romney on ABC News: “we’ve given all you people need to know” about the family’s finances. Guess this is her version of “Only the little people release tax returns.”
–
Former “24” star Kiefer Sutherland is now appearing in a new ad for Axe body spray. Will he now say, for example, that the spray will keep you “cool and confident” between 900p and 1000pm?
–
–
-Rumor has it that aspiring actress Yolanda Pecoraro, a Scientologist, may be the next Tom Cruise. Wonder if they’re just waiting for a couch and a contract.
From my friend Michael Hayne “Maybe Romney’s tax returns are on the roof of his car.” Personally I’m thinking maybe they were on the roof, but the dog ate them.
Actor Fred Willard, known for “Best in Show” and “Anchorman” has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater. (He was alone at the time.) Uh, why else would one go to an adult theater?
—
So Fred Willard was caught doing what I always presumed men went to adult theaters to do. Isn’t it nice to know the L.A.P.D. has crime so well in hand that they have time to take care of these things?
–
Forget the economy, weather and wars, here’s a real sign of the apocalypse: Of the five highest paid TV actresses, two are Kardashians – Kim ($18 million) and Khloe ($11 million.)
–
SF Giants today 1 for 8 with RISP (Runners in scoring position, ie, at second base or beyond.) Which has been a problem for most of the season. But okay, at 1 for 8, should we really say “in scoring position?” More like in “standing” or “stranding” position.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Fred Willard jokes, Gringrich jokes, Romney jokes, Snooki jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 19, 2012
No, not a joke, Rush Limbaugh is claiming “Batman, the Dark Knight Rises” is part of a liberal media conspiracy against Romney because the villain is named “Bane.” (“Bane” was created in 1993… guess that Obama really thinks ahead.)
Some Penn State students have started a vigil to protect the Joe Paterno statue from vandals. Shame no one on campus was as motivated to protect little boys.
Some critics have questioned new Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s ability to run the company while pregnant and planning a (short) maternity leave. Uh, could she do any worse than the last 4 CEO’s?
–
–
Sportsmanship award of the year? When Kobe Bryant was asked what would happen if the USA didn’t bring home the gold medal, he said that U.S. players’ citizenship should be revoked….
–
I posted last week that when Romney organized the Olympics the U.S. team was attired in clothing from Roots. A very good Canadian company. Turns out the torchbearer’s uniforms, however, weren’t from Canada. They were manufactured in Burma..
–
Love this statement from the Olympic organizing committee back in 2000, about a torch relay uniform controversy. (Ah that darned liberal geography…) “The torch relay clothes were NOT made in Burma. They were manufactured in Myanmar. ”
–
Barry Zito is 119-7 lifetime when he has at least four runs of support. So if Zito had signed with the Yankees would he be a future Hall of Famer?
–
Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Some Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin should have a major speaking role at the GOP convention this year. And most Democrats agree with them.
–
Ann Romney says her husband hasn’t decided yet on a running mate. Actually it’s more likely that he’s decided, then decided again, and is still thinking of changing his mind.
–
When asked about his company’s support for anti-gay Christian organizations, Chick-fil-A Pres. Dan Cathy responded “Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.
Wonder if that includes polygamy, marrying your sister in law, slaves, etc…
Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia said tonight about “Bush v. Gore,” (the 2000 presidential election), “That comes up all the time, and my usual response is ‘get over it.'” So will he say the same thing about the Romney-Obamacare decision?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bain jokes, Bane jokes, Janice Hough, Paterno jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 18, 2012
Kris Humphries signed a two-year deal to stay with the Brooklyn Nets. Leave it to the Kardashians to make the NBA look like a bastion of committed relationships.
–
Russell R. Wasendorf Sr. is being investigated for allegedly stealing more than $200 million from customer accounts at Iowa’s Peregrine Financial Group. Wasendorf blames the fraud on “mean spirited” regulators trying to put him out of business. And Bernie Madoff said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
–
The FDA has approved a new diet drug pill for the first time in over a decade. Wonder if the instructions include “Hold steadily and firmly between the lips?”
–
Apparently the New York Knicks will let Jeremy Lin go. If Jeremy really loves Manhattan as much as he says, sounds like the real Lin-sanity might have been that offer sheet he signed with Houston.
–
Now the rumor again is the Dwight Howard may be heading to the Los Angeles Lakers. This trade process has lasted longer than most NBA players’ college careers.
–
So Jeremy’s signed with the Houston Rockets. In New York terms – “I’m mov-Lin out?
–
Latest GOP anti-Obama ad is about ‘crony-capitalism’ alleging the President gave preferential treatment to companies run or invested in by donors. Uh, where was this outrage with say, Enron or Halliburton?
–
But really? Crony capitalism?” Isn’t it supposed to be “crony socialism?”-
–
Senator John McCain said Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with his decision on choosing a running mate, saying he chose Sarah Palin because she was a “better candidate.” Guess he could be right.
–
Delta Airlines still trying to explain the needles in their sandwiches. Ryan Air would have charged extra for the sewing kit.
–
Needles on a plane? Or at least in your sandwiches. Moral of story, beware of airline snacks that promise sharp cheese.
–
–
From Bill Littlejohn: “An artist made an amazing sand sculpture of Fenway Park–it included Bobby Valentine burying his head in it”
–
Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner apparently is thinking of running for mayor of New York. He allegedly already has donations, from the first SuperPAC founded and run by comedy writers.
–
This week is SEC media days. Where at Arkansas they have to deal with the sudden departure of football coach Bobby Petrino following a midnight motorcycle crash with his mistress. The Razorbacks motto this year? “At least we aren’t Penn State.”
–
Well, we now know the 2012 Tour de France is really in full swing. A rider (Frank Schleck of Luxembourg) has failed a doping test.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Delta needle jokes, NBA jokes, needles on planes jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 17, 2012
Another day, another sports DUI arrest. (Today the NFL Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.) Maybe teams should start adding “doing your own driving” to prohibited activities like spelunking and skydiving.
–
NY Police reportedly say that Jason Kidd was so drunk when HE was arrested he didn’t even know how he had crashed his car. Kidd was signed to be a mentor to Jeremy Lin – Uh, maybe to give him advice like “Dude, when you’re hammered, call a taxi?”
–
From Maaj “Jason Kidd got a DWI. He tried to pass the sobriety test but it got picked off.”
–
–
Joe Paterno’s family is denying the Louis Freeh report’s findings. Sounds like denial is genetic.
–
Interesting. Many of the people who said that Joe Paterno was NOT getting doddering and senile, are now defending him by saying he was….
–
The President and Vice President attended tonight’s exhibition game between the U.S. and Brazil. Team USA had to rally from an early 10 point deficit to win 80-69. Just as well, otherwise the GOP would have one more thing for which to blame Obama.
–
Kudos to Susan Collins of Maine just cast her 5000th consecutive vote. (Third longest ever.). As one of the few moderates in the Senate, Collins often has to be one of the deciding votes on close bills. So this ought to silence (again) those who believe women don’t have the stomach for tough politics.
–
Cincinnati star Joey Votto will have surgery on a torn meniscus, and will be out 3-4 weeks. The injury was sustained June 29, when the Reds were playing….San Francisco. Yep, the Giants broke ANOTHER player.
(Oscar B. says, “how long until an MLB investigation?”)
–
Target is now stocking new same-sex marriage along with tradtional marriage cards. Very cool. The company is embracing tolerance, or at least LGBT buying power.
–
Nadia Lockyer resigned in April her Alameda County, California, board of supervisor’s position after a drug/sex scandal. Today state treasurer Bill Lockyer has filed for divorce. And who saw this coming?
–
Donald J. Sobol, 87, has passed away. He authored the Encyclopedia Brown series. Wonder how many clues mourners will have to find to make it to his funeral.
–
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is going to have another child with his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major. It’s times like these that you wish the requirements to become a parent were at least as strict as adopting a pet from the Humane Society.
–
Golden State Warriors center is apparently being investigating in his home country of Latvia for alleged income tax evasion. Well, that’s a change. An NBA player evading taxes? Usually it’s child support.
–
Tim Pawlenty for Romney’s V.P.? Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like “Mr. Excitement.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jason Kidd jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, NFL jokes, sports DUI arrest
Comments: 3 Comments
July 16, 2012
The Dwight Howard potential trade mess drags on, and on…. At this point Howard might have a better reputation if he had just made a decision and announced it on an ESPN special.
–
As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking “Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem.”
–
Actually is it too soon to nominate “retroactive retirement” as the phrase of the year?
–
With all this discussion as to whether or not Penn State’s football program should at least temporarily receive the “Death Penalty,” here’s a question – if it had been a school without the national reputation and bowl records, would this even be a debate?
–
–
On the first pitch of Sundays SF Giants Houston Astros game, Jordan Schafer tried to bunt to break up Cain’s perfect game.
(he bunted foul, and ended up making an out, but Cain gave up a hit in the third.)
–
A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man’s loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA’s announcement – “Guns don’t kill people, toddlers kill people.”
–
Mitt Romney released a negative ad against President Obama accusing him of negativity. Standby for the next Obama ad accusing Romney of going negative in response to their criticism, and then the next negative Romney ad in response to that…. (Sometimes it’s nice not to live in a swing state.)
–
Looks like Jeremy Lin is heading to Houston. Standby for “Y’aLL-insanity.”
–
Jason Kidd arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a light pole last night. Over-under on the number of “driving the lane” jokes this week?
(From Marty Burtwell, “he had one too many triple-doubles.”)
–
Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last week. With perhaps a rousing chorus of “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want?”
–
Actress Celeste Holm has passed away at the age of 95. This is shocking. Celeste Holm was still alive?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Jason Kidd jokes, Penn State jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 15, 2012
Penn State at this point says they will not take down the Joe Paterno statue. Makes a certain amount of sense. The statue isn’t any guiltier than Joe-Pa was of doing nothing to stop Jerry Sandusky.
–
So now Jeremy Lin, who Knicks coach Mike Woodsen said last week would be New York’s starting point guard, may end up in Houston. Or maybe the Knicks are just playing hard to get. Anyone else find all this drama more interesting than the NBA regular season?
–
–
The SF Giants may not have bounties but they are breaking more opposing players than the New Orleans Saints. (Saturday night, the Houston Astros’ Jed Lowrie with an ankle strain.)
–
Nice job for Tim Lincecum tonight (even if a freak play-wild pitch on a strikeout plus an error – allowed tying run to score from second cost him a win). Who needs a Triple A “rehab” start when you can play the Houston Astros.
–
Fed up with an unusually rainy several months, the London Times declared in a recent editorial: “Let us make our position crystal clear: We are against this weather.” Hey, if it works maybe we should try this in the US.
–
The New York Yankees have the best record in baseball, and the most home runs. But they no doubt will grab a couple more stars at the trade deadline. The team stockpiles players like some women buy shoes.
–
Mitt Romney is saying that Obama ads about his time at Bain “beneath the dignity of the president and his campaign.” Guess he thinks such ads should be left to “nonprofit” Super PACS?
–
Penn State has announced plans to renovate their football locker room shower room after the Sandusky scandal. Dynamite would be a good start.
–
Ah technology. If you waitlist an upgrade on United Airlines these days, and change the flight, the waitlist automatically stays in for the ORIGINAL flight. So you can be confirmed in first or business flight on a plane you are no longer taking. What could possibly go wrong….
(for starters, the computer can cancel your new flight and put you back on the flight you changed from, even if you paid the penalty to reissue the ticket….)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jeremy Lin jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 13, 2012
Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.
–
One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.
–
A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”
(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)
–
All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
–
Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)
–
Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.
–
Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.
–
Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:
The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China. Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?
–
Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.
–
Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat Spain.
–
A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokeso, Penn State jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 12, 2012
Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?
–
Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.
‘
Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.
–
Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.
–
Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?
–
American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.
–
The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.
–
So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.
–
Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?
–
Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.
–
Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, Romney jokes, Rush Limbaugh jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 10, 2012
“Well-stuffed” – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.
–
That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.
–
After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.
–
Says Gary M. “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”
–
Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?
–
If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.
How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.
–
Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….
–
United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.
–
The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.
–
A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”
–
Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.
From Marc Ragovin: Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Ballot Box Stuffing jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 9, 2012
We’re currently in the Major League Baseball All Star break. The only three days between April and September when Cubs fans KNOW their team won’t disappoint them.
–
Robinson Cano, last year’s Home Run Derby winner, hit zero home runs today. What is Cano trying to do, get traded to the San Francisco Giants?
–
Adam Lambert is reportedly in talks to become a judge on American Idol. The biggest hangup, having him on the show might create a “who’s prettier” tension with Ryan Seacrest.
–
One happy Monday thought: If you can read this post your computer hasn’t been compromised by the DNSChanger malware.
–
The Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise divorce has been finalized, in less than two weeks. With damage control talent like this Cruise clearly has a future in politics.
–
Worst thing for SF Giants fans about today’s Home Run Derby. Prince Fielder’s win today isn’t going to make it any easier for the team to convince Pablo Sandoval he needs to lose weight.
–
You cannot make this “stuff” up: Eagles RB Dion Lewis was arrested when, allegedly intoxicated, he pulled the fire alarm after locking himself out of his hotel in New York. Lewis was in town to speak at the Troy Boys & Girls Club about “things like how to make better choices.” (The talk has been rescheduled.)
–
Not a fan of cheating, but regarding all this controversy now over Lance Armstrong and doping, do any cycling fans think ANYONE was clean during his era?
–
Reggie Jackson, who is a “Yankees special assistant” has been told to stay away from team events indefinitely after his comments about A-Rod etc. But really, hiring Reggie and expecting him not to say anything controversial? Who’s the team’s next managerial prospect – Ozzie Guillen?
–
As the GOP dismisses talk about Romney’s Swiss bank accounts, along with his holdings in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, have to wonder, what would they be saying if Obama had money overseas, even small accounts in Kenya or Indonesia?
–
-Hope Solo has received a USADA warning after testing positive for Canrenone. She says it was an “honest mistake” with “a medication prescribed by my personal doctor for pre-menstrual purposes that I did not know contained a diuretic” Wonder how long it will take some baseball player to use the same excuse?.
(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says : “Manny’s just sorry he didn’t think of this.”)
–
From Bill Littlejohn: “Andy Murray and Great Britain were unable to break a 76-year Wimbledon men’s singles title drought. So, back in 1936, did someone bring a billy goat to Centre Court?”
–
–
The headline reads “Three gored on the third day running of the bulls.” Should read “Three miss in valiant attempts for Darwin award.”
–
Women just do not get it with this running of the bulls stuff. I mean, for us there’s got to be a purpose for that kind of mad dash where you’re likely to be trampled…. like a REALLY good Black Friday sale.
–
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, Reggie Jackson jokes, Running of the bulls jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 8, 2012
The Yankees’ Mark Texiera has accused Red Sox reliever Vincente Padilla of headhunting. Padilla’s response “I think, maybe (he) picked the wrong profession. I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport. Guessing Padilla has never watched women’s rugby or roller derby.
–
For that matter, Nordstrom’s has just asked Texiera if he’d like to attend opening day of their next shoe sale.
–
Ernest Borgnine has passed away at the age of 95. You might have been a teenager in the 70s if you think maybe in heaven he’s already swimming again with Shelley Winters.
–
A concert in Pyongyang for new leader Kim Jong Un featured performers dressed as Mickey Mouse, Tigger and other Disney characters. Does this signal a softening in North Korean relations with the West? Or is it just a step towards using “It’s a Small World” as a torture device.
–
Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, FL, Republican Party next month. No, this is not from the Onion.
-Wimbledon mens final Sunday was at 2p London time: The response in the US ? “Let’s see if Andy Murray can win for the UK – 10%; “Let’s see if Switzerlands’s Roger Federer can win his 7th title – 10%; “There’s no American involved, screw it, I’m sleeping in.” – 80%.
–
George Zimmerman is reportedly in a “safe house” in Florida. Presumably his security team also brings him things like iced tea and Skittles.
–
John Boehner recently said the American people “probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November.
–
Is there some rule that Yankees-Red Sox games must go at least 3 1/2 hours?
–
A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S.
–
At the first day’s running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, one man was gored, and another was dragged by a bull. According to CNN, the dragged runner was from Japan, and their “gender was not immediately released.” Uh, let me guess.
–
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently negotiating a divorce settlement instead of going to court. Translation, they’re trying to figure out a number high enough for Katie to keep her mouth shut.
–
Vikings RB Adrian Peterson was arrested Saturday night on a resisting arrest charge. Yet another NFL player wanting a trade to the Bengals?
–
Be careful what you wish for department: Have to wonder, did anyone connected with the San Diego Fireworks fizzle say they thought their show should be the most watched in the country? If so, they did at least get their wish – over 4 million Youtube views now alone!
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Tom Cruise jokes, Vincente Padilla jokes, Wimbledon jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 7, 2012
Ray Allen is going to Miami. Another example of “If you cannot B’Heat ‘Em, Join ‘Em”
–
If this keeps up even the Los Angeles Lakers will see warm and cuddly by comparison.
–
Apparently the U.S. Government’s anti-mermaid statement – “No evidence of aquatic human aquatic humanoids has ever been found” was prompted by an Animal Planet show on mermaids. What’s next, an anti-talking teddy bear statement prompted by the movie “Ted?”
–
Justin Bieber was cited for speeding on a Los Angeles area freeway Friday. Shocking! Bieber is old enough to drive?
–
That darn liberal math thing strikes again: Five-term congressman Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) is resigning from Congress after his office failed to submit enough valid signatures to qualify for the Republican primary ballot. (He submitted 2,000, needed 1,000, but apparently only 200-300 were valid.)
–
Apparently one surprising name on Mitt Romney’s V.P. list is Meg Whitman. Because nothing says you’ll fight wasteful government spending like teaming with a woman who spent $160 million to lose her race for Governor in California?
–
Brad Pitt’s mother wrote a letter to her local newspaper, urging people to vote for Mitt Romney because President Obama is a “liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.” Well, maybe this is why Angelina never wanted to get married –that future mother-in-law.
–
Mitt Romney said the recent anemic job figures were “a kick in the gut.” And to his GOP friends in Congress he added “Keep kicking.”
–
Mark Rickis added “I just saw a picture of a banner that states “New Hampshire Stands With Mitt Romney”. Does that mean that somebody knows where Mitt stands?”
(The banner makes sense in a way though, because most of those banners, and thus statements are “blowin’ in the wind.”
–
George Zimmerman has posted $1 million bail and has been released from jail. If he’s out walking around though, isn’t it reasonable that people might find him threatening?
–
Snookie apparently reacted to seeing her fetus on an ultrasound: “Eww… I’m gonna throw up! Said her unborn son “Back at ya, mom.”
–
TSA is now doing random screens at the gate of beverages purchased AFTER passengers go through security. Wonder what the point is? The pilots prefer not to mix their cocktails until after they board.
–
Avis now allows their renters to rent portable Wi-Fi hotspots in the U.K. Just what we need, Americans trying to drive on the wrong side of the road while playing with their smartphones….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Justin Bieber jokes, Romney flip flop jokes, Romney jokes, Ted jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 6, 2012
The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.
–
The Giants’ Aubrey Huff, hitting .155 and on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?
–
Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”
(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)
–
According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?
–
An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.
–
Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?
–
Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.
–
Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?
–
Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.
–
David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.
–
Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”
–
Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”
(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”
–
–
Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, San Diego fireworks jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 5, 2012
Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.
–
-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.
When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”
–
–
The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?
–
Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.
–
Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.
–
SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week. After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.
–
Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.
–
Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers. Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.
–
Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.
–
-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”
–
Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?
–
Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.
From T.C. “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bloomberg jokes, Lakers jokes, Ochicinco jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 4, 2012
Chuck E. Cheese is planning to do a major revamp of their mascot into a hipper rodent rock star with an electric guitar. Maybe they’d be better off to spend the money revamping their pizza?
–
California congressman “Pete” Stark told reporters today he’s not likely to debate his opponent this fall because “we’d only get stupid questions like you’re asking.” Is Stark running for re-election, or aspiring to be Governor of New Jersey?
–
–
Suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce. Wonder if she couldn’t face the idea of him around the house for a year.
–
Tuesday was the official weigh-in for New York’s annual July Fourth hot dog eating contest – one sport where Americans still can claim world domination.
–
The forecast in San Francisco for July 4 is for cool weather and fog that may unfortunately obscure fireworks. “Oh STFU” said residents of most of the midwest and east coast.
–
No one but Tony La Russa really knows if he left Cincinnati’s Johnny Cueto or Brandon Phillips because of a 2010 brawl between the Reds and the Cardinals. But remember this, La Russa is a man who intentionally walked Barry Bonds… in spring training.
–
Salon reports that a “source” says Justice John Roberts not only authored the majority opinion upholding Obamacare, but also much of the dissent. If true, who does Roberts think he is? Mitt Romney?
–
Mets general manager Sandy Alderson sent out this tweet today: “Wright vs. Sandoval: A city of 8 million was outvoted by a city of 800,000.” Brian Sabean probably should refrain from responding “It’s constitutional, bitches.
–
Just wondering New York Mets fans….where was the outrage in 2009 when David Wright was voted to the All-Star team, although Pablo Sandoval had much better numbers?
–
From Gary M.: How successful was SF’s get out the vote campaign? Sandoval also won Mexico’s Presidential election, yesterday.
–
Michele Bachmann was asked if she was being vetted by the Romney campaign as a running mate. Her response: “Whoever it is that he chooses to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moment’s notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House.” If true, she’s not being vetted.
–
Nine people were injured in New Hampshire Tuesday night, when a fireworks explosion inside a home set it ablaze. Do newspaper editors have this template ready every July 4 so they can just change the location and details on the injuries?
–
NY state rep, Marty Golden, 63. facing a great deal of criticism, cancelled his planned business etiquette event on “posture, deportment and the feminine presence.” where women would learn “sit, stand and walk like a model.” Even Chris Christie had to be thinking Golden is out of touch with women.
–
R.I.P. Andy Griffith. You know you might be getting old if you remember he had a show before “Matlock.”
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star voting jokes, Fourth of July jokes, hot dog eating jokes, July 4th jokes, New York Mets jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 2, 2012
A All-Star tale of two cities: SF Giants fans stuffed the ballot box and were happy to get three starters on the team. NY Yankees fans got three of their players named to the team and thought “we should have stuffed the ballot box.”
–
At this point Buster Posey is likely to end up catching Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey. Hmm, maybe it was Yadier Molina and Carlos Ruiz who stuffed the ballot box for him.
–
What is the “age of reason?” It might be 33. The age at which all of Tom Cruise’s wives have divorced him.
–
The Tour de France started this weekend. Yet another event that most Americans no longer care about now that we have no chance of winning.
–
Alec Baldwin married yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas over the weekend. By all accounts it was a lovely wedding. Except when out of habit Alec accidentally punched the photographer.
–
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a press conference about storm damage, but when a reporter asked a question on a different topic, responded “Did I say on topic? Are you stupid? On topic, on topic. Next question.” If Obama is re-elected, he could make Christie a bi-partisan advisor in charge of heckling.
–
Senior Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom said today that the Governor agrees, the fee for not having insurance is a penalty and not a tax. After all, that’s what Mitt thought it was when he implemented Obamacare/Romneycare in Massachusetts.
–
Anderson Cooper is the latest public figure to come out of the closet. Well, now that Tom Cruise is single…..
–
Michael Phelps has dropped the 200 freestyle for London, meaning he will only have a chance for 7 golds at the 2012 Olympics. Slacker.
–
A new study has found the more coffee you drink, the more you may be protecting yourself against skin cancer. Well, makes sense, the more time you spend in line at Starbucks the less time you are out in the sun.
–
From my friend Rich Lieberman: CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.
–
First Dwight Howard wanted to be traded, then he wanted to stay with the Orlando Magic, now he wants to be traded again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Janice Hough, Tom Cruise jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 