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Lost?

November 28, 2012

The man responsible for Apple’s much criticized new iPhone 5 mapping software has been fired. Presume in this case they actually did have to show him the door.

 

Speaker John Boehner announced all 19 major House committee chairs for the next congress, and all 19 are white men. So alas for diversity, the only man of color amongst GOP congressional leadership, is orange.

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Some disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans have started a petition asking President Obama to remove their “controlling, delusional, oppressive dictator” – i.e. owner and GM Jerry Jones. Alas Washington residents know if Obama had that power, he’d have already removed Dan Snyder.

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Donald Trump said in a just-published interview that Mitt Romney’s self-deportation immigration policy was “crazy” and “maniacal” Well, and if anyone knows crazy and maniacal…

 

Regarding the DWTS finale: Clearly I am missing something….but since when do you become a “star” by having a public romance and breakup on a “reality” TV show? Guess it’s as plausible as achieving stardom by being a pregnant teenager.

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First it was Charlie Sheen melting down. Now actor Angus T. Jones from “Two and a Half Men” is apologizing for calling the show “filth” and “inappropriate” in interviews. Uh, anyone want to get some preventive help for Jon Cryer?

 

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The Washington Wizards are now 0-12. Fans may have already given up hopes for the NBA playoffs. But there’s always the N.I.T.

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Wonder how long until the Washington Generals try to schedule a game against their  crosstown rivals?

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When Marvin Miller, who passed away today at the age of 95, first fought for free agency, George Steinbrenner was one of the owners against it, saying that anyone would be able to build a team. And yeah, the system sure has ended up hurting the Yankees….

 

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Maybe I’m missing something, but did Americans ever elect Grover Norquist?

 

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The Eagles cut DE Jason Babin in the midst of a disappointing year, and after he took to Twitter to question the loyalty of some fans. Uh, Jason, it’s Philadelphia. They not only boo Santa Claus, they’d cut him too if he didn’t live up to expectation.

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Tulane is the latest school to join the Big East for football. Perfect, now they can change the conference name to the “Big Easy” and be done with it.

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Trojan failure?

November 27, 2012

Anyone remember that Stanford opening game 20-17 football win against San Jose State? And Cardinal fans were thinking it was going to be a VERY long year. Well, guess who’s ranked #25? Yep, those San Jose State Spartans. Higher in fact, than USC.

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But really, the Spartans over the Trojans?  Shouldn’t a wooden horse be involved?

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So maybe the Philadelphia Eagles and USC Trojans save contract money by just swapping coaches? Both Andy Reid and Lane Kiffin seriously underachieved this year with their professional teams.

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UCLA’s men’s basketball team lost 70-68 on Sunday to Cal Poly (San Luis Obispo). Just as well John Wooden has passed away, otherwise this would have killed him.

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The NFL will not suspend Detroit Lions DT Ndamukong Suh will for kicking Houston Texans QB Matt Schaub in the groin. Allegedly because they weren’t sure it was intentional. You think if it were a no-name player from a sub .500 team that the league would have cared about the distinction?

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Kyrsten Sinema, elected in a very close Arizona race, will now be Congress’s first openly bisexual member. Not to be confused with a number of Congressmen who have been known to buy sex.

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Grover Norquist said today that his Americans for Tax Reform group would work to unseat Republicans who break their pledge to never vote for higher taxes. If Norquist has this much power, how do any Democrats get re-elected?

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Apparently anyone who wants to can spend $125 a ticket- $3000 a table – plus food and drink – simply to be in the same Vegas nightclub as Kim Kardashian on New Year’s Eve. (Although Kim and friends will be in a separate VIP area.) One word – “Why?”

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A recent CNN poll indicates more than 2/3 of Americans predict that congress will handle that “fiscal cliff” like “spoiled children.” Not true. Spoiled children still often act ultimately in their own self-interest.

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A-Rod and his latest girlfriend, Torrie Wilson, a former Playboy model and professional wrestler, spent the weekend in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. No word on the size of their suite, but presume it had plenty of mirrors.

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Anyone looking for material? On Cyber Monday, (or Cyber Tuesday, as the case may be)  my comedy writing friend Neil Berliner and I would like to announce that all our Mitt Romney jokes will be 47% off.

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Winning?

November 25, 2012

Apparently Charlie Sheen sent Lindsay Lohan a $100,000 check towards her IRS bill. A nice gesture, of course, her antics HAVE helped keep him off the front page.

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Former U of Tennessee and NFL WR Cedrick Wilson has been suspended from his Memphis teaching job as one of 18 people charged- so far- in a alleged scheme to help potential public school teachers cheat on their certification tests. Who says college football doesn’t prepare you for the real world?

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North Carolina State football coach Tom O’Brien has been fired after a 7-5 season. 7-5?! With that kind of record the Carolina Panthers would have rewarded him with at least a 10 year extension.

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Mark Buehrle is now complaining that that the Miami Marlins lied to him. And the Florida taxpayers on the hook for their new stadium are thinking “get out the bleeping violins.”

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Mitt Romney is apparently moving to La Jolla. If he’d paid more attention to Prop 30 maybe Mitt would have spent more time campaigning in California.

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Penn State coach Bill O’Brien may or may not have praised his team by calling a bunch of “f**kers” in a postgame interview. Either way, at least there’s no chance it’s the most embarrassing story for the school this year.

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Who’d a thunk this? Right now according to the AP poll the best two-loss college football team is NOT in the SEC?

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All this misty-eyed talk about Notre Dame and their season of destiny is pushing me towards the impossible – rooting for an SEC team.

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But really, “Destiny’s Darlings?”   (What ESPN said about the Fighting Irish)  Sounds like a bad wannabe girl band.

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Wonder if there will be special tattoos commemorating Ohio State’s unbeaten season….

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At Saturday’s BYU basketball game, two fans printed 6,300 “Chicago to Provo” t-shirts to give out to fans in hopes of swaying Jabari Parker, a highly ranked senior from Chicago Simeon Career Academy. The donated shirts are legal – now someone buying the kid a hot dog, that would be a violation.

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A JetBlue flight attendant was arrested at JFK airport for allegedly helping her boyfriend steal an iPhone from another traveler. This is not supposed to happen; the only airline people allowed to ripoff the public are those who come up with all those surcharges.

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The St. Louis Cardinals’ David Freese is okay after crashing his SUV while trying to avoid a deer. And Tiger Woods said “Why didn’t I think of that excuse?”

And for what little it’s worth: Stanford 10-2, with 9 games against teams who will be playing in bowls this season. (Notre Dame, Oregon, USC, UCLA, Washington, Oregon State,Arizona, San Jose State and Duke. Seriously.)

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Happy Thanksgiving!

November 22, 2012

First of all, besides the usual family and friends stuff,   am very thankful to anyone who reads this blog. Whether it’s regularly or whether you stumbled upon it looking for a joke,  you all are the reason I write.  And I hope I brighten your day.

I also really appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment, whether it’s positive or negative, or to add a line I wish I’d written.
But today is time for a special thanks also to all those who make these jokes possible.

This year,  in no particular order, special thanks to the Chicago Cubs,  the New York Yankees, the Boston Red Sox (especially departed manager Bobby Valentine), the Los Angeles Dodgers (especially their trade with the Red Sox),  and the Miami Marlins.

Thanks to Jamie Moyer too, who alas probably has retired for good. But he was a great competitor, an excellent punchline, and from all I hear, an even better human being.  (Runs a foundation for children in distress.)

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Plus another serious thank you (okay, I get one)  to the San Francisco Giants.  For making us realize that the impossible sometimes is merely the unlikely.   And who somehow managed to win the World Series without being on the brink of elimination to the Detroit Tigers.

Thanks to the replacement refs, and to the NFL for maintaining for so long that there was no problem with them.  Thanks to the Philadelphia Eagles and the NY Jets for imploding so spectacularly.  And the Washington Redskins and Oakland Raiders for not being far behind.

Thanks to the NBA for the shortened season (can we do this every year), and to the Lakers for assuring that even at the beginning of the season we have some drama.

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Thanks to the BCS for being as screwed up as ever,  the NCAA for turning “student-athlete” into a perennial punchline, and the SEC for making the New York Yankees look humble.

Oh, yes, and thanks to the conferences whose inability to grasp the concept of math (10 is 14?) is equaled only by their utter fail at geography.  (San Diego State in the Big East?)

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Thanks to politicians on both sides of the aisle.  With the GOP primaries, they provided far more targets, not to mention the multiple personalities of Mitt Romney but the Dems always have Bill Clinton and Joe Biden.

And President Obama, for being someone we can blame EVERYONE on.  (If he thinks the punchlines are bad, wait until his second term, when the girls hit puberty while Michelle probably goes through menopause.)

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And finally, thanks to all the folks in this world, famous and not so famous,  who continue to act in absurd ways where often punchlines aren’t even necessary.

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Turkey eve.

November 21, 2012

Really? A recent study indicates that 70% of teens have concealed their online behavior from parents. Uh, don’t at least 70% of teens regularly conceal most things from parents?

 

 

So in future will proof of age be required to purchase a “Tickle Me Elmo?”

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Tacky alert: Two of this year’s new Sesame Street toys are “LOL Elmo” and “Let’s Rock! Elmo.” Will they now be known as “OMG Elmo” and “Let’s Get Your Rocks Off! Elmo?”

 

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A woman is recovering after being shot in the leg Tuesday night during an argument with another shopper in a supermarket near Los Angeles. Wow. Black Friday just starts earlier every year.

 

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:

AAA declares today the busiest traveling day; and, due to dealing with relatives, AA declares Thursday the busiest drinking day.

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ESPN got a 12 year contract for the new college football playoff starting after the 2014 season. So for fans tired of East Coast Bias, we can now look forward to East Coast + SEC Bias.

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Where do you go when you lose an election? Mitt Romney was seen with his grandchildren at Disney World yesterday. (Good for him. But I blame Obama.)

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The SF 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick said after Monday’s game “I don’t want there to be a (QB) controversy.” And the Chicago Bears responded, “Well, heck, you could have taken care of that with a few interceptions.”

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So much for bipartisan anything. Here’s PETA to President Obama on his Thanksgiving pardon:. “Turkeys do not need to be ‘pardoned’-they are not guilty of anything other than being born into a world of prejudice. They are innocents who should be respected for who they are: good mothers, smart birds, and interesting animals.”

 

 

The Florida Marlins’ current 2013 opening day payroll?  $36 million.  To put that in perspective, that makes the Oakland A’s ($59 million) look like big spenders.

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For further perspective, A-Rod’s one year 2013 salary-  $30 million. Although A-Rod and the Marlins have something in common. Neither are relevant in October.

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For General Petraeus, it could be worse. In Vienna, a woman confessed in court to shooting, sawing up and freezing both her ex-husband and her lover, and then burying them under her store in 2008 and 2010, and then burying them in the basement.  (She was extradited from Italy for the trial after workers installing pipes found some body parts, and is currently pregnant by ANOTHER man.)

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Not so full disclosure?

November 21, 2012

San Francisco just voted to ban public nudity. Can they work on Spandex next?

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And in the “You can’t make this ‘stuff’ up,  department”,  the San Francisco Supervisor who originally proposed the public nudity ban?  Scott Wiener.

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USC redshirt freshman quarterback Max Wittek is making his first start Sat. against #1 Notre Dame. And said today “I’m gonna go out there, I’m gonna play within myself, within the system, and we’re gonna win this ballgame.” Well he may be young, but if nothing else, Wittek’s cocky enough to be a true Trojan.

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So as a result of a Twitter challenge, Cory Booker and one of his “followers” may both try to live on food stamps for a week. Actually, if a New Jersey leader should attempt to live on a restricted diet, shouldn’t it be Chris Christie?

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And for all those who wondered, where’s the missing piece in this sleazy saga…. Natalie Khawam (the twin sister of Jill Kelley, who was the woman General Petraeus’s mistress threatened in emails), just held a press conference with her new attorney, Gloria Allred.

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Hostess said today they failed to reach an agreement in mediation with their union and will continue their liquidation proceedings. So guess all those Ebay Twinkie auctions are back on.

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Now it makes sense: According to ESPN, Rutgers should receive about $24 million a year as part of the Big Ten, compared to $6 million football members of the Big East got last year. In return, the Big Ten gets a member in the largest media market in the country… I guess geography matters after all.

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Plaxico Burress is back with the Steelers.   Apparently Pittsburgh decided to take a shot at it.

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Some Ohio State fans apparently have started a petition asking President Obama to revoke their probation and 2012 Bowl Ban. Who do they think they are? An SEC team?

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Meanwhile, Maryland is heading to the Big Ten. In nearby Washington, fans wonder if they could take the Wizards with them.

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Guessing those “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls aren’t going to be such a hot seller this Christmas.

(Or will they be stocked in “adult boutiques”?)

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Cal AD Sandy Barbour on the firing of football coach Jeff Tedford. “This was an extraordinarily difficult decision, one that required a thorough and thoughtful analysis of a complex set of factors.” Wow, and Barbour said it with a straight face.

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Pipped?

November 20, 2012

Well, if the SF 49ers’  Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.

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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?

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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”

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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.

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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…

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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.

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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.

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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?

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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.

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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”

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Really?

November 19, 2012

Even Oregon and Maryland are thinking… those Pittsburgh throwback uniforms are UGLY.

A question about those Pittsburgh throwback jerseys. Can they throw them back?

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-USC’s Matt Barkley is officially out against Notre Dame. Leaving the team in the hands of redshirt freshman Max Wittek. Uh, before everyone concedes the game to the Fighting Irish, they might remember that had Stanford started THEIR redshirt freshman in South Bend, the Cardinal probably would have won.

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Got to love it. While some Texans have signed a petition to secede, some in Austin have in turn filed a petition to secede from Texas and remain part of the Union should that happen, stating it is “entirely feasible for Austin to operate as its own state.” Hey, it could work.

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How bad have the Philadelphia Eagles looked lately? Forget the NFL playoffs – they don’t look like a team that would be BCS bowl eligible.

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Andrew Luck has had a great rookie year, but this might have been the one week where he wishes he had taken advantage of that last year of eligibility at Stanford.

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The Oakland Raiders have been outscored 123-34 in the third quarter this year.  Uh,  maybe instead of halftime adjustments the team should spend the time doing something more productive,  like updating their Facebook pages.

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Los Angeles Times conservative columnist Charlotte Allen has apparently seriously endorsed Sarah for the 2016 GOP nomination. So who says Democrats never agree with Republican ideas?

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Newt Gingrich today said that Mitt Romney’s comment that President Obama won the election by offering “gift” was “nuts.” Well, if anyone knows “nuts”….

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Apparently 76ers center Andrew Bynum may have further damaged his knees while bowling. So for other professional athletes signing contracts, will this mean one more added to the list of prohibited dangerous sports?

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So after that road upset of Oregon, Stanford moves up in the AP poll from #14 all the way to… #11? Of course there are five SEC teams ahead of them. Shocking.

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On the other hand,  Stanford is #8 in the BCS rankings.   Guess it helps to have graduates who can program those computers

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Curious sidelight to yesterday’s Pac 12 upset:   So for the second year in a row, ESPN’s Lee Corso got his Oregon-Stanford “College Gameday” pick wrong.

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From “Northern Neutral Observer”   (translation,  T.C.  from Canada)   ” A team named after condoms will prevail over a team with a Leprechaun as its mascot.

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And from Gary M, about the gun store owner who says he won’t sell to Obama supporters because they aren’t “responsible” enough.  “Like so many, when I think of responsible gun owners, I immediately think of Arizona.”

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Twinkle Twinkle, Little Twinkie.

November 17, 2012

Most analysts think that despite the Hostess liquidation, the Twinkies brand will eventually live on with another company. And hey, given the shelf life of the current product, Twinkies fans who stock up have another decade or two to find out.

 

 

Apparently Kate Middleton has declined both Kim Kardashian’s request to meet for tea, and free samples from the Kardashian British line, which according to the National Enquirer in­cludes skintight sequin minidresses, pleather pants and blue leopard-print tops. Yep, Kate is DEFINITELY adding points to the IQ of the British royal gene pool.

 

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My husband asked who I am mad at over the Hostess shutdown: It’s a multiple answer: I’m mad at the unions for making this easy, I’m mad at management for the loss of all jobs, and I’m mad at the media for buying into the idea that reasonable union concessions would have made a long term difference.

 

(And really, could anyone imagine “Whole Grain High Fiber Twinkies”?  Or “Gluten-Free Twinkies”?  Or whatever the market seems to require these days?)

 

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What anti-West Coast bias. The headline on Foxsports.com – “Baylor Women’s Streak Ends.” Uh, how about, “Stanford Women end Baylor Women’s Streak?

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Advance reviews of the made-for-tv movie “Liz and Dick” have been scathing, but Lindsay Lohan is apparently unfazed because she refuses to read them. Makes sense, as if most people now question if Lohan is ABLE to read reviews.

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NFL ref Tony Corrente has been fined by the league for some on-field obscenities during a game Nov 4. Wow,  if an obscene performance on the field is a fineable offense, the whole NY Jets team may be charged for their last several games.

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A surprising number of stories in the national media about the chances for Stanford to beat Oregon.  (Which as a Stanford alum I still think is quite unlikely.)   Is Stanford getting some respect? Or is the media all hoping someone knocks off the Ducks to get an SEC team back in the BCS national championship?

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At a Washington, D.C. gala last month, Paula Broadwell apparently bragged to other guests that she and General Petraeus were “collaborating on other projects.” You can say that again.

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I’m sorry, but when a corporation (in this case the Atlantis Resort box office on Paradise Island) says on a recorded message for several days running “Your call is important to us. Please try back later.”, it means “Your call is not that important to us.”

 

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Holland America Line is going to have 6 themed “Dancing with the Stars cruises, with production numbers and opportunities to meet “celebrities” and dance professionals from the show. Well that ought to make it easier from millions of wives to convince their husbands to cruise….

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The NCAA just announced additional penalties against the Tennessee football program involving a case with one of Lane Kiffin’s assistant coaches in 2009. Anyone want to join the pool on when the USC Trojans are going back on probation?.

 

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Men and women at work.

November 16, 2012

Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.

 

In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.

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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.

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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?

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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?

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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?

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U.S.  Tennessee Rep.  Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a  “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions.  This is a man who on his website said:  “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”

Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.

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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?

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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”

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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.

 

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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.

 

 

From T.C.   A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.

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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….

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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?

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Goodness has nothing to do with it.

November 15, 2012

 

 

 

Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.

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But really?  An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.

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US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.

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The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?

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Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?

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Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”

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Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?

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Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?

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So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.

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United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.

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Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.

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The plot thickens….

November 14, 2012

The Petraeus-Allen story keeps expanding… But at least there’s a bright side for Mitt Romney. So much for all the headlines and jokes being about how he managed to lose the election….

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Now the FBI probe into the Petraeus affair has uncovered over 20,000 pages of “potentially inappropriate” emails between Gen. John R. Allen, U.S. troop commander in Afghanistan, and Jill Kelley, the woman Petraeus’ mistress allegedly threatened. Once again showing how dangerous it is to allow heterosexuals in the military.

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Oxymoron of the year: Private email account.

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Some in the media are commenting how Paula Broadwell always said nice things about General Petraeus’s wife, Holly and never seemed jealous, Well, duh, Paula figured she’d already “won” by him cheating on his wife, she was jealous of potential mistress 2.0.

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Well, give him points for honesty: QB Tyler Bray told reporters “I’m paid to win football games.” For the initiated, Bray plays at Tennessee. Not the Titans. The University of Tennessee.

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Mike D’Antoni told the NY Daily News that he was surprised the Lakers wanted him to coach. Said Phil Jackson, “that makes two of us.”

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Elmo’s accuser has recanted, and says theirs was a “adult consensual relationship”. What a way for pre-schoolers across the country to learn that C is also for Consensual.

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Many people still think Tim Tebow can perform miracles. Not sure about this turning water into wine stuff. But so far Tebow’s being on the Jets hasn’t turned Mark Sanchez into a decent quarterback.

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Two parents in Massachusetts promised their kids that if a picture of them with a sign begging for a cat got 1,000 FB “likes” they could have a kitten. The children got over 100,000 likes, and the cat. Let’s hope this doesn’t give guys ideas about posting a sign wanting to get rid of their wife or girlfriend’s pet.

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These allegations of the puppeteer behind Elmo having a sexual relationship with a minor were disturbing. Let’s hope Bert and Ernie haven’t sent each other any salacious emails.

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If this Petraeus-Allen scandal turns out to be the tip of the iceberg, how long until Bill Clinton applies to be Secretary of Defense?

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The most common question heard in the Army today? Has to be “How do you REALLY erase emails?”

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The widening scandal involving General Petraeus, Paula Broadwell, General Allen and Jill Kelley brings to mind all the high ranking women politicians and government officials who have made fools of themselves over younger men…. Uh wait. Scratch that.

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Depends?

November 13, 2012

So is the next revelation in the General Petraeus affair going to include a road trip by his ex-mistress to Florida wearing Depends?

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Understatement of the year award? Steve Boylan, a Petraeus family friend and former spokesman said on “Good Morning America” that the general’s wife Holly “is not exactly pleased right now.”

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At this point what we seem to know is that General Petraeus had an affair with a woman who turned crazy on him. Hmm, maybe the Secret Service had the right idea with prostitutes. (If only they had paid them.)

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Somewhere Dwight D. Eisenhower and JFK must be laughing together: “Thank God we didn’t live in the internet age.”

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A University of Colorado student has been arrested and charged with “menacing” after he put on a Joker mask at a Boulder movie theater. (And he told police he was aware of the “Dark Knight Rises” shooting.) Not sure if they can make the menacing charge stick but at the least this kid is guilty of terminal stupidity.

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Roddy White of the Atlanta Falcons said of his team’s loss to the New Orleans Saints “It’s not like they came out here and won a game. I think we kind of gave it to them.” Proving again, you can still trash talk with a mouthful of sour grapes.

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The word from folks associated with the Los Angeles Lakers  is that Phil Jackson thought the job was his: “I know just how you feel” said Mitt Romney..

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Not saying the Lakers are old, but will new coach Mike D’Antoni’s challenge now to be to come up with “Hasbeen-sanity?

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Apparently more than 25,000 people have signed a petition for Texas to secede from the United States. About 25 million other Americans would probably sign a petition saying “Let them.”

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Washington State football coach Mike Leach is now being accused of abusing his players. So will the team colors of Crimson and Gray now become “Fifty Shades of Crimson and Gray”?

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General confusion:

November 12, 2012

National security may or may not have been compromised. But comedy writers looking to fill a post-election void are thinking “Thank you, General Petraeus.”

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But really,  a major sex story involving a U.S. leader who is widely respected around the world, and it’s not Bill Clinton?  Who’d a thunk it?

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Well, not sure it’s much consolation. But Mitt Romney’s  supposed favorite team, the New England Patriots,  won.   While  President Obama’s beloved  Chicago Bears…, well, how ’bout that election?

 

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As if New Yorkers haven’t suffered enough with Sandy and the Nor’Easter: Neither storm managed to cancel last Sunday’s Jets and Giants games.

 

 

Post election joy for those of all political persuasion: A Monday morning without 50 + overnight emails asking for money.

 

 

 

Anyone else remember this story from the summer? Now, this could have been entertaining… for those of us who are truly twisted…. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2185022/Has-Mitt-Romney-picked-Gen-David-Petraeus-vice-president.html

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Marc Ragovin:   “So General Petreus had an affair with the author of his biography, which is titled “All in” And boy, was he!”

 

And from Mark – “Any truth to the rumor the General will change his name from Petraues to General Betrayus?”

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The Oakland Raiders lost 55-20 to the somewhat offensively challenged Baltimore Ravens?! If Al Davis wasn’t dead this would have killed him.

 

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Have to wonder, when Mitt Romney starts spending more time at his soon-to-be-rebuilt home in sunny San Diego, will he wish he’d just retired there four years sooner?

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Newest members of “Who Dat” nation? The 1972 Miami Dolphins.

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A Southwest Airlines jet slid off a taxiway at Denver International Airport on Saturday. Fortunately there were no injuries, making the biggest question for most passengers – do we get extra frequent flyer miles?

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Fresh off their mega deal with the Boston Red Sox, the Los Angeles Dodgers have bid 25.7 million dollars for the rights to try to sign Korean pitcher Ryu Hyun-jin. Even the New York Yankees are thinking “Ever heard of fiscal restraint?”

 

Looks like Phil Jackson wasn’t quite as good at the “Name your own price” game as he thought he was.

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Are you ready for some non-SEC football?

November 11, 2012

There’s a lot of college football left to play…but right now the BCS national championship could feature – Oregon vs. Kansas State. A prospect that must have ESPN as excited as FOX was to televise a SF vs. Detroit World Series.

 

 

“Twilight” fans have been camping out since Thursday for the Monday premiere of “Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” Well, at least they didn’t overlap the line as for the new iPhone 5. The human race doesn’t necessarily want those two groups to meet and breed.

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At SEC headquarters , the question of the night is “Who the heck decided to let Texas A & M in the conference?”

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So Louisiana-Lafayette, needing only to run out the clock with 2 seconds left on 4th and 2 to force overtime, had a punt blocked and lost to Florida 27 to 20. Who made that decision? Someone hoping to transfer to an SEC school as a math major?

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After gay marriage initiatives passed Tuesday, the Vatican is proclaiming themselves as a lone voice of courage — “the only check … to the breakup of the anthropological structures on which human society was founded.” Right, and when we think of courage in tackling sexual issues, we all think of the Vatican.

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So was General Petraeus brought down in the end because his mistress thought he was cheating on her and started threatening that other “other woman”? If so, we can start casting the made for TV movie now…

 

When she appeared this year on “The Daily Show,” Paula Broadwell told Jon Stewart that General Petraeus had “no dirty secrets.” Well, not anymore.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg –  “Attention guys cheating on wives. The head of the CIA just got caught cheating on his wife. Your stupid ass will not get away with it.”

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So headline in Alabama this morning?    “Rolled, Tide.”

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As some of us are going through baseball withdrawal,  here’s a thought, pitchers and catchers report in about 100 days. Which is about 90 days further away than the opening of the 2016 Presidential campaign season.

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Embedded?

November 10, 2012

CIA director David Petraeus has resigned after admitting he had an affair. How long until he’s asked to join the “Clinton Global Initiative.”

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Apparently General Petraeus, 60, had his affair with his biographer and videographer, Paula Broadwell, 39. So guess Petraeus didn’t think he was Bill Clinton, he thought he was John Edwards.

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Once again, the conspiracy theorists are out, this time about General Petraeus’s affair and the timing of his resignation. Really?!! It’s amazing how the only time some folks give Obama credit for competence is in engineering coverups.

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Wow! Lakers coach Mike Brown has been fired already, only five games into a disappointing season. And somewhere from the great beyond Al Davis and George Steinbrenner are thinking “You can do that?”

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Here’s a scary post-election thought. For a brief, not-so-shining moment last year, some thought Donald Trump could be elected president of the United States.

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Condoleezza Rice said today she wouldn’t be the next secretary of state, even if President Barack Obama asked her. I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

(Although as a Democrat I’d be happy with Richard Lugar. And Condi would be better than Bud Selig for baseball.)

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Can we get over this concept of Kentucky defending their NCAA national championship in men’s basketball. Because a true defense might involve, for starters, having one player from that championship team still in uniform. (And no, I don’t mean an NBA uniform.)

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Phil Jackson has apparently said he might consider ending his retirement and return to coaching the Lakers.   “Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

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Nick Swisher, who has hit .169 in 154 postseason at-bats. apparently will leave New York because he doesn’t like their $13 million offer for 2013. Maybe the Yankees decided that with A-Rod it was enough to have one high-priced player who takes Octobers off.

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Ah, the purity of amateur sports: UCLA star recruit Shabazz Muhammed was declared ineligible for recruiting violations. Which the LA Times alleges resulted from visits to Duke & North Carolina –  Schools he turned down in favor of UCLA .  Gosh, if so, wonder who turned him in.

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Mitt Romney’s sister complained to an interviewer that her brother had been “vilified” during the campaign. Uh, did she think it was going to get better if he became president?

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Anders Behring, Breivik the Norwegian mass murderer who killed 77 people, mostly teenagers, is complaining that he is being held in inhumane solitary conditions. Well, heck, let’s get him into the general population right away then.

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Ye Gods, they’re like political Tribbles. Only not as cute and cuddly. George P. Bush, grandson of George H.W, nephew of George W. Bush, son of Jeb, just filed paperwork to run for office in the state of Texas.

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From T.C.  ” With Washington voting to legalize marijuana,  can we expect Cheech and Chong to be signed for every Seattle Mariners home game singing “‘Toke Me Out to the Ball Game?'”  And of course the National Anthem to be sung by the Doobie Brothers?’

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T’is the season…

November 9, 2012

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a bit of a break between the election and holiday shopping season?

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Silver lining to stores increasingly planning to open on Thanksgiving: It means an excuse other than football not to talk to your relatives.

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So “The X Factor”, which purports to discover talent, is now co-hosted by Khloe Kardashian. Anyone but me find that kind of an oxymoron?

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Two rushing TD’s for Andrew Luck  Thursday night.   Who does he think he is? RG3?

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Meanwhile,  Joe Namath is the latest to publicly question why the NY Jets aren’t using Tim Tebow more often. And some Jets fans are so frustrated they’re thinking “Joe, I wanna kiss you.”

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In college football , Cal (3-7) is playing Oregon (9-0) in Berkeley this Saturday, The Ducks have outscored opponents 176-29 in the first quarter so far in 2012. So a simple tip for Bears fans who want to see a close game – get there early.

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A USC student football manager was suspended for deflating five game balls below regulation levels (which apparently makes them easier to throw) for last week’s USC-Oregon game. Insert USC ‘no real balls” joke here:

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Guess the media is still getting used to slower news days after the election. A CNN.com headline – “Thanksgiving planes likely to be full.” (Uh, can anyone remember a year when they weren’t?”)

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Today in Florida and Ohio, millions of residents discovered  they are actually HAPPY to turn on the television and see used-car commercials.

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USC coach Lane Kiffin now insists publicly that a student-manager who intentionally deflated footballs (to make them easier for Matt Barkley to throw) against Oregon, acted completely on his own. Wonder if Kiffin added privately “Wish I’d thought of that before we played Stanford.”

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NY Jets CB Antonio Cromartie guaranteed the Jets will be playing in the 2012 postseason. What, like he guaranteed the eight mothers of his children that he wouldn’t get them pregnant?

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Las Vegas casino owner Sheldon Adelson spent more than $54 million on losing races Tuesday, mostly on the Presidential election. Wonder how tight his slot machines will be this weekend to make up for it?

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From my friend Tom Dodd:  Wouldn’t it be much more efficient if the Presidential Election were simply staged in Ohio, which always seems to represent the final result anyway? It would save a lot of money and fuel, and the rest of the country could avoid the bombardment of campaign ads for that office.

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Repeats.

November 8, 2012

So when the World Champion SF Giants and President Barack Obama meet in 2013 at the White House, will both be thinking “Didn’t expect to see you here again.”?

 

 

Serious meltdown from a disappointed Karl Rove last night over the election.    At least he isn’t a Lakers fan.

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Mark McGwire will be the Los Angeles Dodgers’ next hitting coach. I guess this is the end of L.A. fans taunting the S.F. Giants about their association with PEDs and Barry Bonds?

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Some things never change. Florida is heading for a recount. Take all the time ya’ll want this year….

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Not that it matters nearly as much as in 2000. But if the Supreme Court is going to end up giving Florida’s electoral votes to the GOP, can they announce it now and save the state a lot of recount money?

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Get the sense Mitt Romney won’t be campaigning for Chris Christie’s re-election next year? The New Jersey governor is bristling at suggestions he cost Romney the White House with his praise for Obama and when asked what went wrong for Mitt replied “He didn’t get enough votes.”

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The law of unintended consequences. Does the legalization of recreational marijuana in Colorado and Washington mean a huge advantage for free agent recruiting with the Rockies, Mariners, Nuggets, Broncos and Seahawks?

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Former Texas football coach Darrell Royal, 88, has died. Will always remember the story when the Longhorns were way down at halftime and players expected a blistering speech. Allegedly Royal never came into the locker room, until the bell rang, when he stuck his head in and said “Well, girls, shall we go?” Texas won the game.

 

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Colorado and Washington legalized recreational marijuana last night. Well, it’s high time!

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Puerto Rico last night backed a referendum calling for U.S. statehood. Wonder how many Americans wouldn’t mind exchanging them for Florida?

 

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Well after the election we can all get back to a little Yankee bashing since in 2013 New York will once again have the highest payroll in baseball….. Uh wait a minute, scratch that. Your turn, Dodgers.

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Election eve.

November 5, 2012

Just think, in two more days none of us will be receiving countless emailed solicitations for political donations. Those emails will be replaced by countless solicitations for Christmas shopping.

 

 

Actually, if we really want to increase voter turnout and stimulate the economy, maybe what stores should do is offer a discount to anyone this week who can provide proof of voting?

 

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Just two more days, and all the U.S. undecided voters can go back to annoying the rest of us over more difficult decisions like “Paper vs. Plastic?”

 

One of these years Republicans will try to win an election by fielding a good enough candidate to make them WANT to allow as many people to vote as possible.

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Karl Rove is already blaming Hurricane Sandy for a potential Romney loss? If so, would that give further credence to those who have been saying for a while “God is coming, and boy is She pissed?”

 

New BCS standings are out, and five of the top eight teams are from the SEC. How did those other three get in there?

 

 

Washington, D.C. is hoping to return to some semblance of normalcy after the election. The Redskins, alas, are already there.

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Stanford changed quarterbacks Saturday and shut out Colorado 48-0. And many NY Jets fans are shouting “Did you see that, Rex Ryan?!”

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Kevin Hogan reminded Stanford football fans Saturday of what it was like to play with a little bit of Luck.

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Got to love polls – sports version. Stanford, #15 with the AP college football rankings – beat Colorado 48 to ZERO. And was dropped to #16.

 

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Another Saturday score, Oregon 62, USC 51.   How did it miss my attention that the NIT men’s basketball tournament must have started this weekend?

 

Sarah Palin’s SARAH PAC donated $5,000 to Mitt Romney’s campaign…on the last day of October. So until then was she an undecided voter too?

 

Andrew Luck set a new single game rookie passing record today with 433 yards. Maybe Kevin Hogan got him fired up too?

 

 

Chris Christie, facing criticism for his perceived support of Obama this week said he is voting for Romney, but “If the president of United States comes here and he’s willing to help my people and he does it then I’m gonna say nice things about him because he’s earned it.” Heresy!

(Charlie Crist was drummed out of the GOP for less.)

 

 

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The real magic number…

November 2, 2012

Three.

As in the number of days before we are done with political ads and emails.

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Rudy Giuliani called on President Obama to resign over the four American deaths in Libya. Makes sense, after Rudy called on President George W. Bush to resign over 9/11. Oh, wait…. never mind.

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Meanwhile,  across the state line,  got to love that American spirit sometimes: N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said Atlantic City’s 12 casinos could reopen immediately after a nearly five-day shutdown for Superstorm Sandy.

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Dwayne Wade thought it was inappropriate for the Heat to play the Knicks Friday night at Madison Square Garden. A social conscience? Or a premonition that New York would beat Miami by 20 points?

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A  serious thought regarding early voting: Personally, it bothers me when people don’t make an effort either to get to the polls, OR vote absentee. On the other hand, while there may not be a constitutional right to vote early, the founding fathers left voting rights to the states, excluding all but white, male landowners. Times change. So in the end, I come down on the side of making voting as easy as possible.

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Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons has endorsed Mitt Romney for President. Hey, some Republicans may hope this offsets the all important Honey Boo Boo endorsement.

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The Los Angeles Angels are looking to trade pitcher Dan Haren, and reportedly have interest from both the Red Sox and the Cubs. Sounds like either way, Haren’s likely to keep getting his Octobers off.

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In Northern California, Chevron says their Richmond oil refinery, closed since a fire in early August, could be fully operational by March. Which gives them four months to think of another excuse for higher gas prices.

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From my friend Jim Barach,   (and a majority of voters polled do expect President Obama to win.)

A study says that who people expect to win an election is more reliable than who they want to win. This has been proven time and again for more than a century by Chicago Cubs fans.

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The New York City Marathon has been cancelled for this weekend. One question – what took them so long?

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