Author Archive
October 23, 2012
Actually there is a National League championship ring. Though the SF Giants have hopes for another one.
I guess down 3 to 1 the Giants really did have the Cardinals right where they wanted them.
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The ninth inning of Monday’s NLCS game was played in a serious downpour. Could have been tears from Fox executives thinking about the ratings for a San Francisco-Detroit World Series?
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Why baseball is better than politics: Tonight no spin doctors were required to say who won.
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But good thing tonight’s debate was not a town hall. Someone might have asked President Obama about his being born in the foreign country of Hawaii.
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A Brooklyn man has been charged with running brothels in New York’s Financial District and midtown, catering to men on Wall Street, and charging $260 an hour. Guess $260 an hour was a cheaper option in NY than drinks and dinner?
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Lance Armstrong has now vacated so many wins he’s become cycling’s John Calipari.
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The BBC is facing major criticism over a potential coverup on a story about Sir Jimmy Saville, a popular children’s TV entertainer who died last year, but who now allegedly abused over 200 children. Who does the BBC think they are? The Catholic Church? Or Penn State?
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NY Jets fans are upset because they think the clock operator gave the NE Patriots an extra second before the 2 minute warning yesterday, allowing Tom Brady more time to drive for a game-tying field goal. Oakland Raider fans have a brief response: “Tuck rule. STFU.”
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Just a thought about the Lance Armstrong situation. Yes, it’s kind of pathetic at this point. But did we really think, that in a time when almost everyone in cycling was doping, that a cancer survivor was so much better than them all, and still clean?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Lance Armstrong jokes, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
October 21, 2012
Immovable force meeting irresistible object? The SF Giants have won 5 straight games facing elimination this postseason, the Cardinals have won their last 6 dating back to 2011.
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Hmm, maybe too much time in water really does soak your brain dept: On College Game Day today, Olympic gold-medal winning swimmer Ryan Lochte was asked who would win the LSU-Texas A&M game: “I think they’re gonna end their six-game losing streak in the SEC — gonna have to go with Auburn.”
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Once again, as we approach game seven of NLCS interesting to remember that an ESPN poll said 68 percent of Americans figured the SF Giants wouldn’t make the playoffs after Melky Cabrera was suspended.
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GOP strategist Marc Rotterman complained that the “presidential election unofficially started back in the fall of 2011, a schedule that is absurd.” Is he crazy? The election didn’t start in the fall of 2011. It started the day after Obama was elected.
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So who’d a think that right this minute, Barry Zito’s contract would look better than A-Rod’s?
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Big Game between Stanford and Cal was played on. October 20. Because nothing says a big rivalry game like playing it when it’s convenient for the Pac 12 Network.
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Post Big-Game thought: Cal is apparently so bad this year that Stanford can win without a quarterback.
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Residents of South New Jersey apparently felt the ground shaking Saturday morning, but no earthquakes or military training exercises were reported in the region. Maybe Chris Christie has taken up jogging?
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The NFL is investigating the San Diego Chargers for possibly using an illegal “Stick ’em” substance on their hands. I guess I understand the idea of cheating to be great, but cheating to be mediocre?
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“It does not take any courage at all for a congressman, or a senator, or a president to wrap himself in the flag… because it is not our blood that is being shed.” George McGovern, 1970.
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Some in GOP are trying to make political hay out of the fact that a man who lives near London was able to make two $5 donations to President Obama’s campaign, by using his English address but a NY zip code. Right, where was this outrage when Romney had an expensive fundraiser in Tel Aviv?
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Former Red Sox pitching coach John Farrell is returning to the team as their new manager. To accomplish this, Boston had to trade infielder Mike Aviles to the Blue Jays, and presumably promise Farrell they were never bringing back Josh Beckett.
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Yankees GM manager Brian Cashman today called a trade of Alex Rodriguez “unrealistic.” Translation, we don’t think even the Dodgers are crazy enough to take him.
If the Giants keep winning the Yankees may try to extradite them back to New York and take the team over.
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Finally, if you have three minutes check out this link sent to me by my friend Andy Dwan. Watch it until the end.
http://gawker.com/5953357/missouri-pastors-fiery-speech-against-equal-rights-for-homosexuals-has-stunning-twist-ending
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Big Game jokes, Janice Hough, NLCS jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 19, 2012
So the torture continues until at least Game 6 of the NLCS, thanks to Barry Zito. Should the postseason video be titled “50 Shades of Orange?”
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Okay, who would have made the bet in Las Vegas that Barry Zito started NLCS Game 5 with 7 2/3 scoreless innings tonight? Now all you liars put your hands down.
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Even Jamie Moyer is thinking “I can’t believe Barry Zito is getting the Cardinals out with that junk.”
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A little “inside baseball” for SF Giants fans – Well, contrary to previous popular belief, Buster Posey can apparently catch Barry Zito.
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Honestly thought that Fox has said more positive things about President Obama than they have about the SF Giants before game five. They thought this series was over.
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And so what time is that Yankees game tomorrow?
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Just a question for Romney fans, if Mitt thinks he’s going to be so much better – and somehow different – from George W. Bush, why didn’t he emulate his former rival Ted Kennedy and challenge the President in the primary?
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“Big Tex” the giant metal cowboy who’s greeted visitors to the Texas State Fair for 60 years, was destroyed by fire today. Devastated Texans nonetheless know that big inanimate objects can come back – witness Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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According to the NY Daily News, a Yankee player said that hostile fans at Yankee Stadium affected the team in the ALCS. “A lot of guys were talking about it in the clubhouse. I was surprised by how much it bothered them. I really don’t think they ever recovered.” Gosh. Good thing the stands weren’t really full then.
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Another graduate of the Todd Akin school of science: Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh told reporters it’s “absolutely” never necessary for an abortion to save the life of a mother. “With modern technology and science, you can’t find one instance .. There is no such exception as life of the mother, and as far as health of the mother, same thing.”
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Oops. Did some idiot spray Big Tex? From the AP: “The maker of Banana Boat sunscreen is recalling some half-million bottles of spray-on lotion after reports that a handful of people have caught on fire after applying the product and coming in contact with an open flame.”
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Fidel Castro is reportedly in a “vegetative state” after a stroke. Insert tasteless Ronald Reagan joke here:
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Rallyzito, Big Tex jokes, Castro jokes, NLCS jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes, yankee jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 18, 2012
Who said money can’t buy happiness? I think a lot of Americans were very happy to see the Yankees’ ALCS performance.
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At least the New York Yankees won’t be embarrassed anymore by only partially filling their ballpark this postseason.
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So now there’s talk of A-Rod to the Marlins? Will he have an ESPN show to say he’s taking his current lack of talent to South Beach?
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From T.C. “One guy breaks the speed of sound last week plummeting back to earth. So an entire team does it a week later.”
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An Air Canada flight arriving into Sydney took a short detour and flew low to find a stranded Australian yacht. Wonder how much a U.S. airline would have billed the Aussies as a service fee for that?
(My father adds that “they flew down to 4000 feet and told the passengers to keep their eyes open as they circle. There was ecstasy among the passengers when they spotted it. The US airlines would have charged the passengers an entertainment fee.”)
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Love it. United Airlines sent me an email suggesting using their website to “find top Los Angeles hotels for your upcoming trip.” Uh, except the trip is down and back the same day.
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Woo hoo. I am now so important to Mitt Romney he sent me a letter saying “with your gift of at least $5,000 you will be offered a dedicated Romney Victory Staff member who will stand ready to assist you with up-to-the-minute election information.” Cool, wonder if he’ll put me in a binder?
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Scary. Honey Boo Boo has endorsed President Obama. Even scarier. With some voters this might help him.
Jerry Sandusky wants a new trial. The only new trial involving this case should be that of his wife.
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Google’s stock plunged today after an earnings report they wanted to keep under wraps until after the market closed was released early. “Bummer of a privacy invasion” said absolutely nobody.
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Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband will not run again if he doesn’t win. Promise?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ALCS jokes, binder jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, NY Yankees jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 17, 2012
Whatever you think about tonight’s Presidential debate, there’s probably bi-partisan agreement that both candidates did much better than the New York Yankees.
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Do they have a conference call in advance of these debates to coordinate clothes like mothers of the bride and groom? (Tuesday night Obama had a red tie, Romney had a blue tie.)
Wonder how many casual New York fans though things were looking up for the Yankees because in game three tonight they were facing the Tigers’ #3 starter?
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A-Rod and Nick Swisher were not in the Yankees lineup for the ALCS game 3. Which meant $40 million alone in two players riding the bench. Who knew Aubrey Huff and Barry Zito would ever seem like bargains.
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Columbia student Stephan Perez, arrested in 2010 for selling Adderall, described the drug today on NBC’s “Rock Center” as an “academic steroid.” Well, that’s at least one PED that no SEC football players will be accused of using.
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Admittedly I’m biased, but think Obama supporters were both thrilled to see the real Barack show up tonight…and to see the real Mitt show up tonight.
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So Mitt Romney has had “binders full of women.” Is that a Mormon thing?
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Thieves stole hundreds of mllions of dollars of Picassos, Monets and other works from the Kunsthal museum early Tuesday morning in Rotterdam. The museum said the security was “state of the art,” and that their insurance was “adequate” for the exhibition. Uh, well, at best that’s one out of two.
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“No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public” (P.T. Barnum) example for the day:
A Chicago man apparently spent $9,995.00 on Ebay to purchase a gallon of barbecue sauce intended for use on McDonald’s McJordan sandwich in 1992.
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Apparently Beyonce will be the half-time entertainment for Super Bowl 2013. Isn’t she too young?
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From Marc Ragovin: “At a recent Jay-Z concert to open the Barclay Center, all attendees were subjected to a metal detector scan, while two days later, at the Barbra Streisand concert, all attendees were subjected to a bone density scan.
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The Colorado Rockies are apparently talking to Jason Giambi, who hasn’t even retired yet, about managing their team. Gosh, putting someone so inexperienced in charge could result in the team losing almost 100 games. Oops, never mind.
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I’m against politicizing either event, but have to wonder why none of these people who insist on blaming Obama for Ambassador Steven’s death in Benghazi ever thought Bush should be blamed at all for 9-11?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ALCS jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 16, 2012
Before tonight, SF Giants were doing so poorly at home during the playoffs the team had to be thinking a solution might be to sacrifice a chicken. Except that in San Francisco they’d get an immediate protest from PETA.
Grateful Dead members Bob Weir and Phil Lesh sing National Anthem in San Francisco tonight. Well, that ought to dispel image of SF Giants as a commie pinko team.
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The author of “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” has just filed for corporate bankruptcy. But apparently it won’t affect his personal assets as it’s just one of the companies he conducts his business through. Wonder if this is covered in the chapter on personal responsibility?
(my sister suggests that ” Maybe middle-class kids should incorporate before they attend college?”)
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Paul Ryan is taking some heat for showing up at an Ohio soup kitchen for a photo op, and pretending to wash clean dishes. Mitt Romney wouldn’t make that mistakes – he knows dishes get given to staff to put in the dishwasher.
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Meanwhile, fans of instant replay in baseball may have gotten a big boost Sunday night in terms of motivating Bud Selig to expand it. – Since a blown call went against the Yankees.
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The Koch Brothers sent 45,000 Georgia-Pacific employees a newsletter telling them to vote for Mitt Romney, warning that they will “suffer the consequences” if they vote the wrong way. Have these multi-billionaires ever considered spending the millions they are spending for the election on something productive for the country?
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American Airlines says that statistics show their performance is improving. Presumably because you can’t fall off the floor, or rather tarmac.
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The first BCS rankings are out. And a pair of SEC schools, Alabama and Florida, are 1-2. “I’m shocked”, said absolutely nobody.
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A seven game series can last a long time. But even the possibility of a Giants Tigers World Series has to make Fox about as happy as Obama being re-elected.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: playoffs jokes, Rich Dad Poor Dad jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 14, 2012
The worst things for Yankee fans about Jeter’s injury: 1. It was him and not A-Rod. 2. It’s too late in the year to go out and buy a replacement player.
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Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland said early Sunday that Jose Valerde wouldn’t close tonight’s game. Well, not like he closed last night’s game either.
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Felix Baumgartner landed safely today after a record-breaking jump from the stratosphere – 24 miles high. And somewhere Darwin is saying, “Missed it by that much…”
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Arlen Specter died today at the age of 82. He had been well-known for years as a moderate Republican. Many younger people don’t remember Specter. Still others don’t remember moderate Republicans.
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Angry Stanford fans got some vindication today when former NFL vice president of officiating Mike Pereira said today of the play where Stefan Taylor was supposedly stopped to end the game: “I’ve looked at the play from every angle, and I think the call should have been reversed to a touchdown. ” (He also questioned a late personal foul call on Stanford.)
Can we say it’s not whining if the grapes really are sour?
Washington Nationals fans are still furious at the team for shutting down Stephen Strasburg in September. But SF Giants fans are beginning to wonder if their team shouldn’t have done the same with Madison Bumgarner.
Ah creative capitalism at its finest: An Orlando radio station is putting up big billboards promising “No political ads.”
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Giving Jim Harbaugh control of the challenge flags is like giving a 16 year old boy the keys to your Ferrari.
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David Axelrod suggested today that in the next debate President Obama would be “more aggressive.” Uh, while I didn’t think Barack did THAT badly, would it be possible to be less aggressive without being clinically dead?
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The Space Shuttle Endeavour ended up taking 17 hours longer than scheduled to make it to its final home in at the California Science Center. Are we sure American Airlines wasn’t somehow involved?
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Tampa’s Aqib Talib was suspended 4 games without pay for taking an Adderall pill without a prescription. So was he suspended because it was a PED, or because he was too stupid to get a prescription. “Oh look, a puppy…”
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From Marc Ragovin: Now that Lance Armsrtong is retired, he doesn’t take PEDs. But it woudn’t be too difficult for him to start doping again. I mean, its like riding a bicycle.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, Endeavour jokes, playoffs jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 14, 2012
This might be the one and ONLY time in my life I show some sympathy for the NY Yankees. Because I remember a May 2011 game when the SF Giants were down 4 runs, came back to tie it up, and lost the heart and soul of their team to an extra-innings injury. OK, I am done with the sympathy now.
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Yankees fans are particularly upset by the injury. ..more than a few wishing it could have been A-Rod?
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Okay, SF Giants fans didn’t hate TBS/Fox before…. they just said that the Yankees are the best team in the American League. and the CARDINALS are the best team in the National League. Put this quote up over the entrance to A T and T Park.
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But an open note to all SF Giants fans who have bitched about the team’s lack of a genuine closer…… in Detroit now as in Washington, D.C., fans are saying “Oh STFU.”
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Although if Friday night wasn’t bad enough, some Nationals fans got an email Saturday with an exclusive offer to buy World Series tickets.
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Clearly President Obama should have issued an executive order barring the Nationals from shutting down Stephen Strasburg.
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So which enterprising Stanford student will come up with the t-shirt saying “Stanford 25, ND 20 in overtime?” (Including those two touchdowns the refs missed.)
Did they ship the replacement refs to South Bend?
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Considering how that NLDS went against the Reds, wonder if the SF Giants asked MLB if they could decline home field advantage for the NLCS against the Cardinals?
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At Rupp Arena last night, Kentucky raised their 2012 national championship banner. With coach John Calipari they have to raise those things fast in case they get vacated.
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Was Derek Jeter’s injury Saturday night God’s way of saying Nate McLouth’s ball just might have hit the foul pole Friday?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Notre Dame jokes, playoffs jokes, Stanford jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 12, 2012
SF Giants fans who were stressed Thursday but thinking, “Okay, calm down, we can’t really blow a 6-0 lead,” are retroactively even more stressed.
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Interesting retroactive trivia from listening again to the bottom of the ninth in the SF Cincinnati game: Giants announcer Jon Miller said repeatedly that the tying run was on base. He NEVER said that the winning run was at the plate. But of course, it was.
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Anyone else but me getting tired of the St. Louis Cardinals? Maybe it’s that with two straight wild card finishes and then turning it on in the post season that they remind me of the Heat or the Lakers.
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As a baseball fan, I think shutting down Strasburg was one of the stupidest things the Nationals could do. But if they had won the NLDS, as a SF Giants fan I would have learned to live with it.
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One of several men nabbed in an online prostitution scam in Texas is a 59-year-old senior V.P. with Halliburton. Bummer. For non-millionaires, this might be the closest anyone at Halliburton has gotten to an economic stimulus.
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When asked about her possible plans to run for President, Sarah Palin responded “Que sera sera.” From a 1950’s Hitchcock movie. Interesting choice of words for the woman who never knew too much.
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For the Cardinals-Nationals game Friday night, as of Friday morning, 3823 tickets were available on Stubhub . But for the Orioles-Yankees – 11,960 available. What, New York fans don’t show up unless it’s the World Series?
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And in the end, a LOT of empty seats at Yankee Stadium for a ALDS game five. To be fair, it’s not as if they have a significant population base nearby.
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The Space Shuttle Endeavour headed out last night on a 12-mile trip from LAX Airport to the California Science Center, travelling at 2 miles an hour. Did they choose that speed to match the average during L.A. rush hour?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Comments: 4 Comments
October 12, 2012
For anyone who’s been thinking nostalgically about Will Clarks’s 1987 “I’ve been waiting for this since I was an f**king amateur.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/11/tim-lincecum_n_1959995.html
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And anyone who had a very unproductive few hours at work following the Giants-Reds game already knows this. But for the uninitiated – torture is back.
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SF Giants today became the first team in Major League Baseball history to win a best of five playoff series after losing the first two at home. So ESPN focuses Sportcenter on … Thursday Night Football, Dale Earnhardt, Jr, and of course, the Yankees.
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Tonight’s Orioles-Yankees game finished up in 13th inning in New York, over four hours since the first pitch. Normally the only games that last this long in New York are 9 inning Red Sox-Yankees games.
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All this hype about the importance of winning tonight’s running mate debate. Yeah, it made such a difference to Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.
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An initial CNN focus group report said that 32% thought Biden won, 32% thought Ryan won, and 35% thought it was a draw. But 80% after watching Joe said – “I’ll have what he’s having.”
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Paul Ryan danced around an abortion question so carefully, he may be invited to compete on the next DWTS.
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Damn, if Joe Biden ever gets tired of this political stuff he has an endorsement contract waiting with 5-Hour Energy.
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Maybe before the next debate President Obama should practice against Joe Biden instead of John Kerry. No one will ever accuse Biden of being too polite.
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James Young, the #5 basketball recruit in the country, says he’s going to Kentucky, adding “I’m not just looking for the NBA. I’m looking for an education and a national championship and that’s about it.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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Ah perspective. Texas Rangers CEO Nolan Ryan, discussing the end of the season, said the timing of Josh Hamilton’s decision to quit smokeless tobacco this summer “couldn’t have been worse.” Uh, is there ever a bad time to quit chewing tobacco?
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How did this guy ever get the reputation for being out of touch? Mitt Romney today: “We don’t have people that become ill, who die in their apartment because they don’t have insurance.”
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From Marc Ragovin: “I’m not saying Mitt Romney is loaded, but he just bought one of his granddaughters a Barbie’ S Dream House with its own car elevator.”
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Somewhere Lloyd Bentsen is thinking: “I knew Jim Lehrer, Jim Lehrer was a friend of mine, Martha Raddatz, you’re no Jim Lehrer. – Thank God.”
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, playoff jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 10, 2012
None of Major League Baseball’s Division Series have ended up sweeps with one team 3 and out. You know what this means. All four series’ have lasted longer than some NBC new sitcoms.
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The Cardinals really teed off on Nationals starter Edwin Jackson today, a career .500 pitcher. Gosh, if only Washington had a really top notch starting pitcher they could have used for game 3.
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Meanwhile, the SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum threw 42 out of his 55 pitches today for strikes. And Giants manager Bruce Bochy is thinking “You mean, all I had to do was put him in the bullpen?”
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Okay, a question from Wednesday afternoon. Did the aliens who were inhabiting the SF Giants hitters’ bodies go back to their home planet, or were these the aliens today? Because it is not the same team we have seen since Saturday.
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Bus to hell time: Jerry Sandusky has apparently been placed on suicide watch. I think a lot of Americans would pay to watch.
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Watching Prince Fielder have to think that if he ever tries to slide into third base with Pablo Sandoval trying to block him it would register on the Richter scale.
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Apparently the man who was stopped in Los Angeles with a bulletproof vest and a smoke grenade in his luggage was actually screened before boarding a flight in Korea. So it is possible to have security that is worse than TSA.
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Washington State football coach Mike Leach said some of the seniors on his team have been “zombie-like” and “have an empty-corpse quality.” Way to throw your team under the bus, said even Bobby Valentine.
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So Facebook now has a “Promote” button, where for $7 you can tell your friends your post is important. Here’s news for them, if you have to TELL your friends your post is important, it isn’t important.
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-Mitt Romney 7.0 “There’s no legislation with regards to abortion that I’m familiar with that would become part of my agenda.” Of course, maybe he’s not saying he’s changed his views, maybe he’s saying he’s not actually familiar with ANY legislation.
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Rick Santorum said today that marriage will “disintegrate” along with the American family if same-sex marriage becomes legal. Uh, really? So far marriage has been strong enough to survive the Kardashians.
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TBS announcers talking about what a tough job Yankees manager Joe Girardi has had this year. And 29 another teams with lesser payrolls are thinking “Oh, STFU.”
Australian billionaire Clive Palmer is apparently trying to build a new cruise ship that will be an exact full size replica of the Titanic. Uh, maybe a few small changes might be in order.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Jerry Sandusky jokes, playoffs jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 10, 2012
The San Francisco Giants came into game three of the NLDS hitting .143 as a team for the postseason. And their batting average tonight went DOWN. (3 for 32.) And they didn’t have a hit with a runner in scoring position. And they won 2-1.
Not only does good pitching beat good hitting, good pitching (and bad opposition fielding) bails out awful hitting.
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This is the weirdest survival story with no hits since Taylor Hicks.
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Normally when a team wins with as little offense as the SF Giants displayed tonight, penalty kicks are involved.
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Heck, President Obama got more hits on Mitt Romney last Wednesday than the SF Giants have gotten so far this postseason.
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Maybe not exactly the headline they were hoping for. Stacey Dash has come out supporting the GOP Presidential ticket. And the headline reads “Clueless star supporting Romney.”‘
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A dance instructor has been arrested and charged with running a prostitution business out of her studio in Kennebuckport, Maine, where the Bush family has their summer compound. Can we call it a “trickle-down/economic stimulus?”
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A UC Berkeley policeman is recovering in the hospital with non-life threatening injuries after accidentally shooting himself in the leg. If he doesn’t make it back on the force maybe he can audition for a tryout with the NY Jets as a wide receiver?
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Biggest problem with Jerry Sandusky’s 30 to 60 year prison sentence? It didn’t start 30 years earlier.
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According to a L.A. Daily News columnist, when USC WR Robert Wood took a shot to the head last week, he had to answer 3 questions before returning: 1. Who is the current president? 2. What is today’s date? 3. What is 100 minus seven, minus seven, minus seven? Wow, those questions could bench half the players in the SEC.
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Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “kids, make up your minds.”
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Fully expect numbers to bounce all over the place between now and November 6. But really, all this hype over people who have enough time on their hands that they don’t hang up on pollsters?
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Now the political hype switches to the V.P. debate. Where a win is so critically important. Just ask Vice President Lloyd Bentsen.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, election jokes, polling jokes, Reds jokes, Romney jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 8, 2012
In Florida, the 32 year-old winner of a roach-eating contest died shortly after downing dozens of the live bugs as well as worms.. Darwin would be so proud. (And what’s scarier than eating roaches? The fact that this guy was a swing-state voter.)
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Could it get any worse for the NY Jets? Well, tonight there was this tweet ““Hey JETS!!!” I’m available! I’m ready, willing & able!” The tweet, no joke, was from Terrell Owens.
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Jerry Sandusky, in a pre-sentencing audio tape, said, “In my heart, I know I did not do these alleged disgusting acts.” Uh, Jerry, your heart might be one of the only innocent parts of your anatomy.
Nice job tonight, Baltimore Orioles. Good to see that it is still possible to wear Orange and Black on a baseball diamond and score runs.
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TBS announcers actually bragging that for “the first time, MLB network has the playoffs.” Really? Am surprised they don’t tell folks who can’t afford the network and have to follow the games onlne or on radio to eat cake while they’re at it.
(Of course, let’s be fair, if Roger Goodell could put the Super Bowl on pay-per-view, he would.)
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A recent poll showed a tightening President race but more than 50% of voters polled said it was difficult to know what Romney stood for. Suppose that’s not too bad, since at this point not sure that even Mitt Romney knows what he stands for.
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Mitt Romney said today in a speech that the U.S. needs to be “more assertive” in the Mideast. Apparently we haven’t started enough wars and spent enough trillions yet.
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Monday should have been one of Mitt Romney’s favorite holidays: In many ways Christopher Columbus was the first to really profit from offshoring.
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In Berkeley, Monday was “Indigenous People’s Day.” Although these days the California schools are in such bad shape the harder goal may not be learning history but to get kids to be able to spell “Indigenous.”
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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select reporters and other media representatives.
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A former Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader will avoid jail in a plea deal where she admitted having sex with a 17-year-old who was her student at a Northern Kentucky high school. Many were outraged by the deal, especially other boys who wanted her sentenced to teach at THEIR school.
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Another thought about last night’s game at A T and T Park. Was T.S. Eliot really an SF Giants fan before his time “This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but a whimper.”
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Maria Shriver is reportedly wearing her wedding ring again, despite Arnold’s new autobiography detailing several affairs and lies. Maybe Schwarzenegger has convinced her that he really is a true Kennedy.
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Gary M. starts this last one off: “After 30 years of marriage, Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman have split up. He’s 67, she’s 64…divorcing in their 60′s seems a bit short-sighted.”
TC adds “That joke went over my head.”
Have at it folks, this could go on for a while. The whole thing could be a little much.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, playoffs jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 8, 2012
On days like Sunday – four MLB playoff games and a full slate of NFL games, plus college football recaps and a new AP poll… Facebook becomes like a giant sports bar with fans across the country.
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GREAT Tigers-As game. How great that all of America got to see these two under-the-radar teams. Oh, wait, never mind, the game was on MLB Network, so they didn’t. Thanks for nothing, Bud Selig.
NY Giants WR Victor Cruz has made a new campaign video supporting President Obama. Uh, is this a good idea on the same weekend the Giants soundly beat a team from the swing state of Ohio?
I fully expect to wake up tomorrow morning and see the SF Giants’ offense pictured on a milk carton.
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At one point my friend Lindol pointed out that the Giants’ best chance would be for Dusty Baker to take Bronson Arroyo out and hand him the game ball.
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At least the Giants’ Guillermo Mota is proving to the world without a doubt that he is no longer using Performance Enhancing Drugs.
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Meanwhile, for gloating Los Angeles fans looking ahead to next year, Matt Kemp’s surgery did not go as well as expected and the Dodgers star may not be ready at the start of the 2013 season. “Bummer,” said SF Giants fans, with all the sincerity of a politician a month before the election.
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3 of 4 top teams in AP poll are now from SEC. Setting things up perfectly for Alabama to play the winner of South Carolina-Florida in the conference championship, and again in the national title game.
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Another variation on the first grouchy thought: SF Giants looked flatter than armadillos on Texas highways.
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Very nice day for Stanford in the big leagues – first Andrew Luck, now Drew Storen gets the save for the Nationals! Go Cardinal!
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Baltimore-New York had a long rain delay Sunday. Maybe even God is p*ssed about all this schedule juggling for the Yankees 🙂
Jim Tracy resigned as Colorado Rockies manager today, leaving his $1.4 million salary on the table. Putting an exclamation point on the phrase “You can’t pay me enough to deal with this crap.”
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In an interview discussing her $10 million reality tv wedding, Kim Kardashian stated “But the next time, I want to do it on an island with just my friends and family and that’s it.” Well, except for a few select network and other media folks.
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And on a serious sports note, congratulations to Drew Brees for breaking Johnny Unitas’s record with 48 straight games with a touchdown pass. Yes, it’s a different game, and Unitas called his own plays and the rules favor the offense now.
On the other hand, the media is a different game too, 24/7 and Brees has been one of the relatively few NFL superstars to conduct his life in a way where he still has a seriously class act reputation.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, MLB jokes, MLB playoff jokes
Comments: 8 Comments
October 7, 2012
Oakland A’s vs. Detroit Tigers Sunday morning, playing a noon game, are ONLY on MLB Network. Part of Bud Selig’s plan to make sure football stays our real national pastime?
(No doubt hardcore baseball fans should be able to find some free station showing Yankees highlights.)
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Bad weekend for the tomahawk chop. “Bummer,” said no one outside Atlanta and Tallahassee.
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Bummer for the BCS. Going to be tougher than they expected to schedule that Alabama LSU rematch for the National Championship this year.
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The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson have broken off their engagement. “Wow, I didn’t see that coming,” said absolutely nobody.
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Several Sandusky jurors were interviewed and said the former Penn State assistant coach should receive a life sentence. The others presumably just wish the death penalty were available.
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“The Price is Right” has signed their first male model. “About time” said millions of women. “What the heck is the ‘Price is Right’?” said millions of men.
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Weird baseball trivia for Saturday night. The Cincinnati Reds made it through 2012 without a starting pitcher being injured – and Johnny Cueto didn’t make it out of the first.
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A suspicious package sent to Bristol Palin at CBS Studios caused some consternation on the DWTS set. Wonder what was so suspicious about it. Did someone send her a book?
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More bad news for Mitt Romney. Sesame Street’s “The Count” called. He wants to see those budget figures.
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The SF Giants had Alex Smith throwing out the first pitch for the first game of the playoffs. Maybe it’s as well that the Os eliminated the Rangers. With Romo throwing someone could get hurt.
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Jim Lehrer says he was a “effective” debate moderator last Wednesday night.. By that standard Tony Romo was an “effective” quarterback last Monday night.
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As the infield fly umpiring debacle from last night’s Cardinals-Braves game remains front page sports news – the happiest person in America has got to be Roger Goodell.
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This just in – Mitt Romney both agrees and disagrees with last night’s infield fly call.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: chop jokes, college football jokes, playoff jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 5, 2012
MLB Rule 2.00 is the infield fly rule. (which is currently posted on the Atlanta Braves website…. without comment.)
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The rule states that an infield fly is a fair fly ball (not including a line drive nor an attempted bunt) which can be caught by an infielder with ordinary effort. To give the umpires some benefit of the doubt, with all the errors Atlanta made tonight, they might have been confused about this “ordinary effort” stuff.
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Women baseball fans are still especially stunned by that so-called infield fly tonight in Atlanta that ended up well into the outfield – normally when men misjudge length they don’t err on the low side.
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Chipper Jones has to be thinking, for his last MLB game, maybe he should have loaned the umps his reading glasses?
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Even the replacement refs who saw that play are saying – “What were they thinking?
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This just in, Al Gore blamed that infield fly call in the Cardinals-Braves game on the altitude.
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Dear Gawd, and Bud Selig thought the worst thing that could happen with this ridiculous one-game playoff idea is that the NY Yankees might end up out of the post-season by the weekend.
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If there’s a karmic silver lining in tonight’s Cardinals-Braves game, is Don Denkinger finally off the hook?
(for non-baseball fans, Don Denkinger was the umpire whose blown call at first base cost the St. Louis Cardinals the World Series against the Kansas City Royals in 1985.)
Listening to an aging Jack Welch rant today that the unemployment numbers “don’t smell right.” Uh, a potential one word answer on that smell issue – “Depends?”
Another post-debate thought. If Mitt Romney is determined to cut PBS why didn’t he reference a perceived elitist show like “Masterpiece Theater,” instead of “Big Bird,” – one of the most beloved characters on one of the beloved shows in America?
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Ohio State backup QB Cardale Jones tweeted today “Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL classes are POINTLESS.” And SEC players responded “What are classes?”
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Jim Lehrer said today that the “The likelihood of my doing another debate in 2016 is, on a scale of one to 10, a minus one.” Hillary Clinton is bummed, she was counting on Lehrer making her look young and vigorous.
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The jobless rate fell to below 8% today. Which the GOP immediately said was bad news for job seekers – specifically Romney and Ryan.
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Amazing that some conservatives who think Obama is the most incompetent President ever still think he has the power to orchestrate a massive conspiracy on the unemployment rate.
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From T.C. “I just flew home on American Airlines and sat in rows 15, 14, 11 & 8.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: debate jokes, infield fly jokes, playoff jokes, Sesame Street jokes, umpire jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
October 4, 2012
President Obama may have been overly subdued last night, but he’s really on the attack today over Mitt Romney’s promise to cut PBS. In short, Barack is metaphorically “Flipping him the Big Bird.”
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All these folks who figure that Romney really has it in for Big Bird because he wants to cut PBS funding – maybe instead it’s that Mitt has figured out that Bert and Ernie are shacking up together.
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Another mistake from President Obama. He said that last night he “didn’t debate the real Mitt Romney.” As if there was a “real” Mitt Romney.
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Or did Obama figure it wouldn’t sound presidential to respond “Liar, liar, pants on fire?”
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From my good friend, Michele Eggars, who doesn’t share my political views – “I think I heard Obama say say “Not tonight Sweetie, I have a headache”.
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And from Marc Ragovin: “At the outset of the Presidential debate, Jim Lehrer reminded the audience that one of the ground rules was no cheering. Hell, they just could have bused in a bunch of Red Sox fans.”
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Foxnews.com headline this morning about the debate: “It’s not over.” So this means they thought it WAS over?
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Facebook is reportedly offering some users the chance to pay $7 to promote their posts with better visibility. This worries me less than the idea that they may start charging us to hide stuff like Farmville requests.
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Headline said that the Red Sox didn’t waste any time in firing Bobby Valentine. Some Boston fans would say they wasted a whole year.
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Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin amended 10 years of federal financial reports after he failed to list $130,000 in state pension payments, saying it was an “unintentional oversight.” Does he expect the story to shut down since it was a “legitimate mistake.”
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Five University of Missouri freshman football players were suspended after police found them on campus with marijuana in a white Lincoln Navigator. Well, no surprise that students have pot….have to wonder, where are they doing with a Lincoln Navigator?
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NY Jets QB Mark Sanchez is now insisting he’s not worried about the possibility of being replaced by Tim Tebow. Uh, maybe that’s part of the problem.
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New pre-flight announcement on American Airlines? “Please make sure your seat belts are securely fastened and your seats are securely bolted to the floor.”
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TCU starting QB Casey Pachall has been suspended after being arrested for DWI this morning, This after he failed a drug test in February. The lengths some athletes will go to to prove they are NFL ready….
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The Seattle Mariners, last in MLB with a .234 batting average, have fired their hitting coach. Which shocked many Mariners fans – “We HAD a hitting coach?”
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Two longtime vintage bookstores in San Francisco’s Mission District may have to close due to rent hikes. “Bummer,” said most of the 20 somethings who pack the neighborhood’s bars and restaurants. “But what’s a bookstore?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Big Bird jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Obama jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
October 3, 2012
Now that the debate is over we can get back to the issues that America really cares about, like what really happened in that “American Idol” Mariah Carey – Nicki Minaj catfight?
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For many Americans, tonight’s debate was like a Nascar race, they only tuned in to see the potential wrecks.
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In swing states, tonight’s Presidential debate might be the only television show until November that’s not interrupted by political commercials.
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Watching this debate one thing is clear, do we really want an America where people like Jim Lehrer, 78, have to make complicated and tough decisions about their own healthcare?
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Mitt Romney said Wednesday night – “I like coal.” But does he love lamp?
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Anyone else but me would have liked to see a debate tonight between Romney 2012 and that guy who was Governor of Massachusetts from 2003-2007?
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Okay, message from Mitt Romney to those of us who are 50 something. If you are not healthy you are f*cked.
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For those who wanted to watch the debate but didn’t want to miss a baseball game with postseason implications, would like to thank the Boston Red Sox for doing their best to make this entire week irrelevant. Don’t let the door hit you in the back, Bobby.
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Forget this Presidential debate stuff….what’s the controversy with AL MVP? Trout for Rookie of the Year no doubt, but when compared to a TRIPLE CROWN winner whose team won their division? Fox and MSNBC should both agree on this one.
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The Texas Rangers have just been declared the official baseball team of the U.S. Ryder Cup squad.
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According to a CBS Sports story, the Red Sox will fire manager Bobby Valentine this week. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.
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American Airlines is advertising a new sale, with the tagline ” Take off to cities across the U.S.” Uh, at this point travelers on American aren’t so worried about the take off, they’re worried about how and where they land.
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Big news today for baseball fans: Teddy Roosevelt actually won the Presidents Race at Nationals Park today. What? Did they shut the other presidents down early?
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Got to love it, heard some NY Jets fan claiming the team will never score if they switch to Tim Tebow at QB. As opposed to last week?
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The Mets R.A. Dickey now admits he pitched the entire season with a torn abdominal muscle. Wonder how many mediocre pitchers are thinking about going out and tearing their own muscles.
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Last thought for the night: As the Red Sox stagger into the offseason, have to wonder, what if beer and fried chicken were actually PEDs?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, debate jokes, presidential debate jokes, Red Sox jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 2, 2012
19 years ago today, the SF Giants needed to win their 104th game of the year against the LA Dodgers to reach the postseason. Whatever you say about Barry Zito, he’s no Salomon Torres.
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Bummer ending for Dodgers fans. That may be the last time many of them stick around for the ninth inning.
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Of the teams with the seven highest payrolls in MLB, not counting the Dodgers after their big trade, four of them didn’t make the playoffs this year. (Yes, Phillies, Red Sox, Angels and Marlins, I’m talking about you.)
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Bristol Palin is on DWTS again? She wasn’t even a star the first time. Guess she really wants to show young girls that becoming a teen mom can ruin your life.
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A video of Paul Ryan in 2011 has him saying “70% of Americans want the American Dream. Only 30 % want the welfare state.” Does that mean Mitt figures 17% of Americans got lazier in the past year?
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NY GM Brian Cashman said he would like the team to win its 28 World Series as one last gift to his late father, who was a big fan and passed away in September. “How sweet” said children of Yankee fans. “Oh STFU,” said children of Cubs fans.
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MLB has said it could be FRIDAY until game times for Saturday are announced. Basically so they can assure that NY will be in primetime. Yankees suck!
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Mitt Romney said today he would honor the temporary visas President Obama granted to some illegal immigrants. Some conservatives were up in arms, others just laughed and decided to wait for next week.
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Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said today last night’s loss “I couldn’t be more disappointed.” And Cowboys fans said “Well, unless you paid your hard-earned money for tickets to that debacle.”
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New Orleans Hornets basketball player Lance Thomas says he doesn’t think he violated any NCAA rules when he bought almost $100,000 in diamond jewelry during his Duke college career. What’s his defense? “It was Duke, didn’t everybody?”
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Ohio State and TCU have signed up to play a “home and home” football series in 2018-19. Of course the way the Big Ten has been playing lately, maybe it’s TCU who considers the Buckeyes “the Little Sisters of the Poor.”
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Rough week for American Airlines, now with a flight from Chicago to London needing to divert to Shannon because of a “smoky odor” coming from an overheated fan. Stand by for the merged United-Continental Airlines’ new motto – “We suck less.”
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A fire damaged a home in Berkeley, CA and resulted in an entire block losing power after a seagull flew into a power line. Wonder how long it will take residents to protest having power lines where birds can fly into them.
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From Marc Ragovin: The Bikini Basketball League is gearing up for its inaugural season. Fans will be rooting for strings of wins, and losses of strings.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Airlines jokes, Cowboys jokes, Dodgers jokes, Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
October 1, 2012
Heard Tony Romo threw a tantrum after the Monday Night Football game. The tantrum was picked off by the Bears and returned for a touchdown.
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Who did Romo think he was Monday night? Brett Favre?
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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson said it was more important to him that Romney win than his team have a winning season. Curiously enough, many Republicans are about as happy with Mitt as the candidate as Jets fans are with Mark Sanchez as their QB.
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A 19-year old is recovering in a Southern California hospital after he fell 60 ft off the side of a water slide at Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. Allegedly he jumped the line, barged past lifeguards and leaped head-first instead of feet-first onto the slide. Somewhere Darwin is thinking “Missed it by THAT much.”
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Paul Ryan, lowering expectations about Wednesday: President Barack Obama’s “done these kinds of debates before. This is Mitt’s first time on this kind of a stage.” Does that mean even Ryan couldn’t bear to watch the GOP Primary debates?
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This line noticed by the SF Chronicle’s Debra J. Saunders in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s autobiography: “Maria and I are very different in that way. She grew up in a world where a sharp line was drawn between friends and the help. With me, there is almost no line.”
You can say that again.
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Okay, the man challenging Nancy Pelosi for her Congressional seat is running an ad comparing Pelosi to a zombie. How silly. Beside the “wtf” nature of the comparison, zombies have more facial expressions.
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Kobe Bryant, 34, said today he got a question earlier about whose team the Lakers are: “I don’t want to get into the, ‘Well, we share …’ No, it’s my team”. Wonder if Tiger Woods, 36, would have said it was HIS Ryder Cup team.
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American Airlines says a Boston-to-Miami flight needed to make an emergency landing at JFK airport over the weekend when a row of seats became loose. Standby later this week for the new “seat bolt” fee.
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NY Jets coach Rex Ryan is still saying that Mark Sanchez at QB “gives us our best opportunity to win.” If true his comments should be great for ticket sales – for the Knicks.
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The 2013 Oscars ceremony will be hosted by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane. By making this choice five months in advance the Academy is giving themselves plenty of time to pre-write those “Sorry you were offended” emails and letters.
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Mitt Romney is hard at work preparing for Wednesday’s debates. His latest challenge, how to blame the U.S. Ryder Cup challenge on Obama.
(Jim Barach says “Blame it on Furyk’s caddy Fluff for not knowing how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.”)
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The Yankees now have a one-game lead in the NL East, but the way the new playoff system is set up, if the Baltimore Orioles somehow win the East, the NY Yankees, as a wildcard, could be out of the postseason by Friday. Bud Selig is trying to see how quickly he might be able to change the rules.
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Although tonight it was 9-0 Yankees-Red Sox in the third. Boston isn’t just mailing it in, they’re FedExing it in.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, debate jokes, Janice Hough, Red Sox jokes, Romo jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 