Archive for July 2013
July 31, 2013
Alex Rodriguez says he would still like to be a “role model.” Would he settle for being a cautionary tale?
–
Archaeologists said yesterday they found a new coffin-within-a-coffin in the central England parking lot where the skeleton of King Richard III was discovered. The remains are yet unidentified. Maybe an ancestor of Jimmy Hoffa?
Chris Christie criticized Rand Paul for bringing home pork barrel money to Kentucky, whereupon Paul responded that this was “the king of bacon talking about bacon.” President Obama hasn’t had this much fun since the GOP presidential primaries.
–
Oscar “Ossie” Schectman, who scored the first basket in NBA history, died today at the age of 94. Wonder if he scored his own first basket in a pickup game against Greg Oden.
–
Bad news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now a LA Dodger. Good news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now an LA Dodger
–
My Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein suggests that Brian Wilson might want to live on Venice Beach now. Not so sure, the man lives to stand out from the crowd – in Venice most of his get-ups would barely warrant a second look.
–
Eliot Spitzer says he is not supporting Anthony Weiner for Mayor. Well, probably shouldn’t have expected the pot to vote for the kettle.
–
U.S. Border agents found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s bus as it crossed from Windsor, Canada into Detroit. Beginning to look like this young man is as smart as he is talented.
–
A man survived driving his car off a 40 foot cliff in San Diego. Wonder if his last tweet before the crash was “Damn this road is steeeeeeeeeep.”
–
Meanwhile in sadder news. But still a Darwin award Texas A&M football player Polo Manukainiu was killed with two friends in a car accident where police believe he fell asleep at the wheel. His last tweet “22 hour drive back to Texas on no sleep – oh my.”
–
I know these online deals like “Groupon” are becoming a “thing.” But really, would anyone seriously want half-price Botox injected into their face? Kind of like day-old sushi.
–
Carlos Hyde, Ohio State’s top RB, was suspended for “at least” three games after a assault charge was dismissed because the alleged victim declined to press charges. The Buckeyes’ star will miss games against Buffalo, San Diego State, and Cal. If Hyde misbehaves again Urban Meyer will slap his other hand REALLY hard.
–
Anthony Weiner in a new ad – “Quit isn’t the way we roll.” Really? Even Brett Favre is saying “Give it up already.”
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Christie jokes, football jokes, janice hough jokes, Richard III jokes, Urban Meyer jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 29, 2013
A United Airlines worker at San Francisco Airport was arrested for allegedly stealing a couple’s luggage and returning some of the clothes inside to Nordstrom for cash. Wonder if United at least refunded the passengers’ baggage fees?
–
The Milwaukee Brewers are giving away about $3 million in food and drink vouchers to fans at the ballpark for the rest of the season, basically spending the money they would have paid Ryan Braun. Gosh, if/when A-Rod gets suspended the Yankees could afford to turn their stadium into an all-inclusive resort
–
Pope Francis: “Who am I to judge a gay person of goodwill who seeks the Lord?” Can’t wait to see some in the GOP condemn this crazy liberal statement.
–
But gosh, what’s next. If the Pope indicates he might be accepting of priests who are gays, how long until he comes up with something truly radical, like saying the same about women. (Yeah, the day after hell freezes over.)
–
Must say since the SF Giants don’t appear likely to make the playoffs, it would be fun to see a Rays-Pirates World Series. Especially as it would probably make Fox executives heads’ explode.
–
#JasonGiambi, 42 years and 202 days old, goes yard to game in bottom of 9th to win it for the Indians. Do we call it a walker-off home run?
–
MLB says that David Ortiz will not be suspended for destroying two dugout phones with his bat last weekend in Baltimore. Maybe because even in the dugout no one uses land line phones now anyway?
–
Pete Rose says that a big part of A-Rod’s problem is that he “lacks self-confidence,” Rose said. I don’t know. Regarding PED’s Rodriguez seems to have had plenty of confidence in his ability to get away with it.
–
#AnthonyWeiner is now in fourth place in the latest NY mayoral poll. Why? Because there is no fifth place.
–
President Obama, congratulating the SF Giants on their 2012 World Championship: “You guys are a second-half team. I expect you to be a second-half team this time around.” And wonder how many of the Giants responded “Back at ya, Mr. President.”
–
Many fans are waiting eagerly or anxiously for MLB’s decision on the Biogenesis players. Suspensions which will be less for PED’s than for being stupid enough to get caught.
–
A new University of California study found that dangerous staph infections can be spread at the gym. Leading to a whole new category of excuse “I’d love to go work out honey, but I’m concerned about my health.”
–
–
Another train crash in Europe. This time in Switzerland. Guessing that television stations are being VERY careful about reading the names of engineers.
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, airline jokes, bus to hell jokes, PED jokes, Pope jokes, Weiner jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 28, 2013
SF Giants are heading to the White House tomorrow for a celebration of their 2012 World Series win. The team might really connect with President Obama, who also knows what it’s like to have a big win and then a bit of a letdown year.
–
Rumors are that MLB will FINALLY announce all the Biogenesis suspensions this week. Maybe they can have the announcement sponsored by Nike “Just Do It, already.”
–
After this homestand the SF Giants need to add an asterisk when they sell those “game-used” bats.
–
But really, the Giants can’t catch any breaks in 2013. Where are the Houston Astros when you need them.
–
In the “misery loves company” department, if the season ended today, Giants players could watch the playoffs from their couch along with the Yankees, Angels and Phillies – four teams, with a combined payroll of over $671 million.
–
USA, USA, USA! The U.S. won the Gold Cup today. “Awesome, said most Americans. “What’s the Gold Cup?”
–
Aww story: Hunter Mahan, who was leading the Canadian Open, left abruptly before his Saturday tee time when his wife went into early labor, and made it back to Texas for the birth of his first child, a daughter. Think he’s got the trump card for that parent-teenager “Dad, you never cared about me” argument….
–
Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel was kicked out of a frat party this weekend… in Austin, at A & M’s arch-rival the University of Texas. Forget Manziel’s party behavior, he may be too stupid to be an NFL QB.
–
Oakland Raiders receiver Andre Holmes has been suspended four games for violating the NFL’s PED policy. And these days the reaction is “meh, at least he wasn’t arrested.”
UNC suspended P.J. Hairston, their leading men’s basketball scorer, after his third traffic citation in less than 2 months, this time for allegedly driving 93 MPH. Is this Hairston’s way of trying to join the list of college basketball players who’ve been drafted by the NFL?
From T.C. “News flash from Camden Yards. The Baltimore Orioles announced today that thanks to David Ortiz, the visitors’ dugout is now wireless.-“
(for the uninitiated, link follows – http://ftw.usatoday.com/2013/07/david-ortiz-obliterated-a-dugout-phone-with-his-bat/ )
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Johnny Manziel jokes, NFL jokes, SF Giants jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 28, 2013
Now that the royal baby is born, thousands of British reporters no longer have a good reason to stand around and watch nothing happen. Perhaps they can talk their editors into sending them over to Washington D.C. to watch Congress.
–
The satiric U.K. magazine, “Private Eye,” dealt with all the frenzy last week with a simple headline “Woman has baby.”
–
Saturday the Oakland A’s had “Turn Back the Clock Day”, and honored their 1969 team’s jerseys. The SF Giants apparently also decided to turn back the clock, and honored their 1985 team’s 100 loss season.
(And for any Dodgers’ fans reading this blog. Or readers who have Dodger fan friends, please adjust punchline to 1992. When Los Angeles lost 99 games….
–
#SFGiants fans are lamenting what looks like lost year. Same pain but on a SLIGHTLY smaller scale than #Cubs fans and their lost century.
–
A Hawaii man is suing Delta for allegedly making him crawl down the aisle of its planes and across the tarmac to reach his wheelchair on a 2012 trip, because a flight attendant told him “they couldn’t get him off the plane” otherwise. Just guessing if he had stayed in his seat they’d have figured out a way.
–
–
As Yankees GM Brian Cashman says that A-Rod should “Go ahead and file a grievance” with the union if he thinks the Yankees are preventing him from playing, manager Joe Girardi says that he doesn’t expect Rodriguez to be a distraction when he does return to the team. Translation, Girardi doesn’t think A-Rod WILL be back with the Yankees.
–
No new revelations about Anthony Weiner today. Of course it IS the weekend.
–
The West beat the East 102 to 98 in today’s WNBA All-Star game. And if you bet on the game you don’t have to ask – you DO have a gambling problem.
–
Ryan Braun becomes the first of what might be many PED suspensions this week, and there are seven shutouts in MLB Saturday, including four 1-0 games. Am sure it’s only coincidence.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Giants jokes, janice hough. WNBA jokes, royal baby jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 27, 2013
Sir Mick Jagger turned 70 on Friday. Now he probably Can Always Get What he Wants… if he can remember what it is that he wanted..
–
Mick Jagger, at 70, just completed another U.S.tour with the Rolling Stones. I think we can all be glad the band has kept relevant and profitable. Would hate to see them reduced to licensing “Start Me Up” for a Viagra commercial.
–
Newly released home surveillance photos show Aaron Hernandez holding what appears to be a gun shortly after his friend was shot. The most shocking thing is not that the former Patriots TE might be a murderer, but that as stupid as he is, he hasn’t been arrested before.
–
FedEx is firing an employee caught on camera throwing delivery boxes into her truck in Manhattan. Wonder what the woman’s defense was – that she always wanted to work for the airlines?
–
A woman was asked to leave from Milwaukee’s Miller Park because she had modified the B and the N on the back of her Ryan Braun t-shirt to an F and a D. Thinking if this gal has a contact who can mass produce them she’s got a serious money making opportunity.
–
The University of Florida has given coach Will Muschamp a $250,000 raise, bringing his salary to $2.928 million a year. The real shocker… that makes him the SEVENTH highest-paid football coach in the SEC.
–
Apparently Antony Weiner is still getting donations to stay in the NY mayoral race from people who are supporters of his wife, Huma. These donations, however, probably pale in comparison to those from comedy writers.
Be careful what you wish for. As the New England Patriots open training camp you figure Bill Belichick had to have thought at some point during the offseason “Please don’t have all the media questions be about Tim Tebow?”
ESPN headline “Lebron James passes Kobe Bryant as most popular.” This might be the only time that “Kobe Bryant” and “passes” appear in the same sentence.
News flash from England. Little Prince George is still born. #RoyalBaby
A new study of over 200,000 subjects indicated that those who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide. And those who drink it in the morning are probably at least 50% less likely to murder their spouses or coworkers.
#SFGiants doing it all lately. Not throwing the ball, not hitting the ball, not catching the ball….
–
From Bill Littlejohn: “To please his new wife, Michael Jordan allegedy wants to have his vasectomy reversed. He reportedly told the doctor, ‘Just Un-Do It’.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Aaron Hernandez jokes, Fed Ex jokes, Florida jokes, janice hough jokes, Mick Jagger jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 25, 2013
If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?
–
Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race.. (Insert pull out joke here.) But, hey, he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-
–
Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.
–
–
Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees: Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
–
Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.
–
Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.
–
Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.
–
The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.
–
Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….
–
Bus to hell time: You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?
–
More on the bus to hell from TC “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, janice hough jokes, Prince George jokes, steroid jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 24, 2013
British trivia for the day: Nice of Kate and William to name their son after his great-grandfather, George VI. Except that King George VI’s real name was Albert Frederick Arthur George. (Really.)
–
Stay classy Anthony Weiner, His explanation for the latest texts: “It was a terrible mistake that I unfortunately returned to during a rough time in our marriage.” So it’s his WIFE’s fault….
George Alexander Louis. What, they couldn’t think of a third middle name? #RoyalBabyNames
–
A thought on the recent Weiner and Geraldo debacle. Anyone else miss the good old days when drunk or stupid dialing just embarrassed you to one other person?
–
It could be worse, SF Giants fans. The team could have signed Albert Pujols to a $250 million contract.
–
A new study found that over 200,000 children were injured by falling television sets over the last 20 years. If only those children had been armed.
Newest bumper sticker in New York? “Honk if you’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner?” #Anthonyweiner
–
New Southwest cocktail in New York? Just one and you may land flat on your nose.
–
Carlos Danger, Anthony Weiner…. didn’t those two headline a Chippendales show a decade or so ago?
One thing no one is talking about with the Ryan Braun case: so much for the idea you can always tell a PED user because he will be incredibly large with a big head.
ESPN headline “Sources: A-Rod thinks Yankees against him.” Yo, A-Rod, it’s not just the Yankees.
Bud Selig says now that he is proud of Major League Baseball’s drug program. It’s amazing the man doesn’t have ruptured discs from all the patting he does of his own back.
–
How bad is it getting for Anthony Weiner. If this keeps up Oscar Mayer is going to sue him for product defamation.
–
In North Carolina, it will soon become legal to bring guns into bars, and to leave them in cars on college campuses. Well, that should at least cut down on college football players in the state being arrested.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Anthony Weiner jokes, Braun jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 23, 2013
For any fans of the movie “Airplane”, Ryan Braun has now certainly done his part to keep that pamphlet thin. (In one scene a woman asks for light reading, and the flight attendant responds “How about this leaflet, “Famous Jewish Sports Legends?”)
–
Matt Kemp, the runner-up for NL MVP in 2011, thinks Ryan Braun should be stripped of the award. Meaning either that Kemp is clean, or if he IS taking something, he thinks he’s smarter than Braun.
–
Remember the days when A-Rod was going to be the “clean” guy who broke Bonds’ home run record? #Seligfail
–
Much hand wringing over the PED situation in baseball, especially by those who feel that artificial enhancement sets a bad example for children. Why, some parents are deciding to avoid games for a while and instead take the children to see movies featuring their favorite Hollywood stars.
–
Taco Bell said they are discontinuing kid’s meals. What a bummer for all those parents driving around with children in the car at 2am because they couldn’t get a babysitter.
–
Willie Mays – 660 home runs. A-Rod – 647 home runs. Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten a few years ago that Mays would have kept his lifetime lead over Rodriguez?
–
Eliot Spitzer’s first TV ad in his run for NY comptroller “Look – I failed. Big time.” Will his second ad be “But at least I’m not as big a flaming a**hole as Anthony Weiner?
Two from my friend Marc Ragovin: “Now I know the Anthony Weiner scandal is serious: Bud Selig just suspended him for the remainder of the campaign season.” And “More incidents of raunchy sexting by Anthony Weiner have surfaced. Some pols are great at making a campaign a public forum. Weiner is great at making it the Penthouse Forum.”
–
From my friend Abbe Nelson “These grown men with their “Smart” phones do some really dumb shit with them.”
–
–
The Florida state attorney’s office has dismissed charges against Gator LB linebacker Antonio Morrison, who was arrested last weekend after allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. Let me guess, the state attorney is not a FSU grad.
–
A report is that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian “want to quit” reality television. Promise?
–
Iowa Rep. Steve King, who famously said last year that he never heard of anyone getting pregnant from statutory rape or incest, today proved that he’s not just anti-woman. Speaking against the Dream Act “For everyone who’s a valedictorian there’s another 100 out there that weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert. Those people would be legalized with the same act.”
–
Despite a media frenzy, Kate and William managed to keep their baby’s birth a secret from the world for five hours. Not sure if they want a career change but whoever orchestrated that should be able to get big bucks from British or U.S. Intelligence.
–
For all those reporters in London who thought they would be off baby watch… One of today’s breaking news items.. “A woman, possibly Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge’s stylist, flashed a pass that read “Palace Household” and was let inside.” Soon followed by “the car seat is in.”
Prince William today said “they’re still working on a name.” Uh, you and Kate had nine months and you only needed two choices…. #Royalbaby
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: A-Rod jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, royal baby jokes, Ryan Braun jokes, Weiner jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 22, 2013
Congrats to Kate and William. The heir down, the spare to go.
–
The newly born prince may not be named for several days. Which means that he might be nameless longer than the lifespan of some celebrity marriages.
–
From Simon McCoy of the BBC Monday morning outside St. Mary’s.hospital: “Well, plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that will come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us.”
–
More from the great Simon “Never have so many people been gathered in one place with nothing to say.”
–
And here Parliament went to the trouble of changing that primogeniture rule for nothing.
–
Headline that must have been written by a man. “After long labor, Kate and William welcome 8-lb., 6-oz. baby boy.” LONG? 10 hours? Many women are just snickering.
–
Another nice thing about the #royalbaby. I think we can all relax knowing he won’t be named Apple, Blanket or North.
–
From Gary Bachman: “The royal baby will be third in line to the throne–just like lunch hour at Taco Bell.”
–
How happy is Major League Baseball today that Buster Posey finished well in front of Ryan Braun for the 2012 NL MVP?
–
February 24, 2012. Ryan Braun “Today is for everybody who has ever been wrongly accused.” So what was July 22, 2013, for…?
–
So, who’s next after Braun? A-Rod? And then who? Yep, as Bud Selig says, “this sport has never been cleaner.”
–
What’s next for Ryan Braun himself? Training for the Tour de France?
–
65 games for Ryan Braun, who knows how many for A-Rod? Wonder how many youngsters across America are learning from these suspensions, and turning from baseball to football. (Where repeat offenders get the same stringent four game suspension.)
–
On the other hand, Ryan Braun has a $145.5 million contract with the Brewers through 2020. Milwaukee is 19 games out of first with 65 games left in the 2013 season, and he will lose $3.5 million for his plea-bargained suspension. Considering the overall numbers involved, sounds like a reasonable price for a vacation.
–
Denver Broncos star linebacker Von Miller will apparently be suspended for four games for some NFL drug infraction. Good thing he didn’t do something really bad, like wear the wrong color socks.
–
Ohio State has suspended top RB Carlos Hyde, after the Columbus Dispatch reported he was named “a person of interest in the investigation of an assault against a woman at a downtown Columbus bar.” The Buckeyes’ starting CB Bradley Roby apparently was also arrested in a separate incident. None of this, of course, is coach Urban Meyer’s fault.
(First a trail of arrested players at Florida, now at Ohio State, even Bud Selig is thinking that maybe Urban Meyer is in denial.)
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: #Royalbabyboy, Braun jokes, Bud Selig jokes, Janice Hough, royal baby jokes, Ryan Braun jokes
Comments: 10 Comments
July 22, 2013
For non-golf fans, a 66 on the last day of the British Open is pretty close to a no-hitter in baseball: Well played Lefty, VERY well played.
And even cooler, the U.K. Telegraph notes how he spent much of the time waiting for others to finish signing autographs for fans. Yes, we never know about athletes’ private lives – see Tiger Woods. But Mickelson is warm and friendly in public. And while he may not get the most media attention, he is almost certainly the most popular golfer on tour.)
–
No royal baby yet. But hey, even Kate and William wouldn’t have wanted to compete for headlines in Britain with Phil Mickelson.
ESPN, sitting on some amazing British Open highlights, had to wait until 1a for the Yankees-Red Sox game to be over on the East Coast. Good game but the network was thinking it would have been a good night for a 2 hour NL pitchers’ duel.
–
Florida Gators LB Antonio Morrison was suspended from the team after his 2nd arrest in five weeks, this time for allegedly barking at a police dog and resisting arrest. But this, from ESPN, is the part you can’t make up “according to a police report Morrison’s defense was the dog barked first.”
–
Then there’s West Virginia DL Korey Harris who was arrested Friday for first-degree armed robbery. Allegedly he and two others broken into a home and robbed two people at gunpoint. Harris was arrested because one of the victims saw the player’s uniform number 96 on his official Mountaineers-issued sweatpants and gave the information to police.
Korey Harris has been dismissed from the team. No word if he got to keep his sweatpants.
(And wonder if he’ll get some interest from the SEC.)
–
–
John McCain said the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bomber was “stupid.” Wow. McCain knows what Rolling Stone magazine is?
–
Have heard the SF Giants are not bringing Gary Brown up because he can’t hit right-handed pitching. And compared to the rest of the team their point is?
–
A strained thigh may keep A-Rod from rejoining the Yankees Monday as scheduled. And millions of baseball fans are thinking “promise?”
–
From Bill Littlejohn: “Expos fans flooded the stands in the game between the Blue Jays and Rays to make their case for bringing a team back to Montreal–but in deference to Steven Strasburg, the effort shut down in the seventh inning”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: British Open jokes, football arrest jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, Phil Mickelson jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 20, 2013
Now even ESPN is reporting on the increasing problem with seagulls showing up in mass numbers during SF Giants games. Time for a new promo? “Bring Your Cat” night.
(An anonymous friend suggests “free shotguns for the first 20,000 fans”
–
Former White House correspondent Helen Thomas has died at the age of 92. Whatever you thought of her politics, she had more cojones than most men in the job.
–
NY Giants safety Will Hill was suspended for four games in 2012 for violating the NFL’s performance-enhancing substances policy. Today, the league says Hill violated the policy again and will be suspended in 2013 —for four more games. Yeah, but this time it will really teach him.
–
Yoenis Cespedes was scratched from the Oakland A’s game against the Los Angeles Angels yesterday due to a “sore left wrist.” Not maybe what Bud Selig had in mind when he wanted the All-Star game to count.
–
Signs that we’re getting to the serious part of the baseball season: 1. The All-Star Break. 2. The Red Sox and Yankees are back on the “Game of the Week” and “Sunday Night Baseball.”
–
Have to assume that Kate Middleton is insulated from the nonstop British media coverage of the royal baby watch. But probably her biggest regret about the early morning sickness is not being able to pretend she got pregnant a month or two later. Then she could declare a late August due date, and just tell the public “Surprise!”
–
Dennis Baxley, one of the authors of Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law, said that people shouldn’t boycott the state, because the law was intended in part to help protect tourists. “If you’re here with your family and you want to feel safe, that if you defend yourself or your family from a hotel invasion or if somebody [is] trying to carjack you, and you have to meet force with force,” you should know that the state of Florida won’t prosecute you.”
Should we rename it “the trigger-happiest place on Earth?”
There’s nothing like a dame. Helen Mirren, talking to the U.K. Daily Mail: “If I’d had children and had a girl, the first words I would have taught her would have been “f*** off” because we weren’t brought up ever to say that to anyone, were we?
–
Mariano Rivera was cheered today in Fenway Park. A nice gesture by the Boston fans, but besides recognizing his accomplishments, they’re also thinking “After this year we don’t have to see him anymore.”
–
Bizarre thing about this roller coaster death in Texas. It will scare millions of people out of riding roller coasters. And will make millions more more likely to ride them.
About 1,000 Montreal fans were at today’s Blue Jays game, with the announced mission of trying to get major league baseball back in their city. Amazing that they could still get all the Expos’ season ticket holders together.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Kate Middleton jokes, NFL jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 20, 2013
The NY Post is reporting that some Manhattan parents are hiring $400-an-hour recreation “experts” to organize play dates for their children, since top private kindergartens watch how kids interact as part of the admissions process. Well, what’s $400 an hour when you’re saving for a lifetime of therapy.
There are reports that RGIII has been sexting a waitress, even on his wedding day. Who does the Redskins QB think he is? Tiger Woods?
–
A little bizarre baseball trivia: Tim Lincecum’s no-hitter against the San Diego Padres – 148 pitches. Six SF Giants pitchers combining on a shutout against the Arizona D’backs Friday night – 123 pitches.
–
New York Mets lose 13 to 8 after falling behind 11 to 0 to Phillies. Guess they didn’t want Citi Field fans to get too used to seeing All-Stars.
–
While our country will never agree on the trial verdict, can we at least stop this characterization of Trayvon Martin as a thug because he used marijuana? My alma mater, Lake Brantley High School, is about 15 miles from Sanford, Florida. When I went there in the late 70s it was 99% white. And we had an outdoor smoking section. (really). It was a school joke, walk by the section, get high on the fumes. And they weren’t nicotine fumes….
–
One group that is being very quiet about Trayvon Martin & George Zimmerman – the NRA. Maybe they don’t want to start seeing quite ALL Americans armed?
–
And putting this in perspective from Marc Ragovin: “The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.”
–
Andrew Bynum, now a member of the Cavaliers, says that Cleveland is “definitely a playoff team.” Well, not sure about that. But the Cavs would probably be at least an NCAA tournament six seed.
–
Not exactly. Anthony Hopkins speaking to Jay Leno last night “Only America could produce ‘American Idol.'”
–
Some wondered if after Texas passed very restrictive laws tightening clinic restrictions and banning abortion after 20 weeks, that the backlash from women might make them reconsider. They’re reconsidering all right. Now a legislator has introduced a bill banning abortion after SIX weeks.
–
Matt Garza apparently has been told he’ll be traded, though he doesn’t want to leave the Cubs, as he believes the team is headed in the right direction. “I don’t think we are far away from winning.” Sounds like Garza is getting out of Wrigley just in time, he’s becoming delusional.
–
Dear Gawd, now the U.K. Telegraph has a cover story on “10 ways to bring on the Royal Baby.” Actually there’s one way with a 100% success rate: Wait.
“
So, conspiracy theorists of the world, where is the speculation that Kim Kardarshian is waiting to show pictures of North West until the day the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, New York joke, royal baby jokes, Texas jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 18, 2013
Rick Perry has announced he will not run again for Governor of Texas. He may be running again for President. But wouldn’t a better option be Governor of Florida. Then Perry could threaten to secede and most Americans would say “Promise?”
–
Top Three reactions on the Rolling Stone Boston bomber cover. 1. It’s outrageous. 2. It’s not a big deal. 3. Rolling Stone is still in business?
–
The city of Detroit has declared bankruptcy. Wouldn’t it be better to declare war on the rest of the United States, lose, and apply for aid?
–
The stock market closed at a record high today. Which means it’s time for the GOP to start talking about President Obama’s birth certificate again.
–
Virginia’s GOP gubernatorial candidate Ken Cuccinelli, is trying to reinstate the state’s “Crimes Against Nature” law. This law makes consensual oral or anal sex acts felonies, even for married heterosexual couples who commit the acts in the privacy of their own homes. (“Not tonight, dear, I don’t want to be arrested?”)
–
A man was arrested outside the White House Tuesday morning with a loaded gun. And apparently told the police. “I was only going to fire a couple of shots.” Uh, George Zimmerman only fired one.
–
Eliot #Spitzer told an interviewer he considered himself a feminist. Well, I guess he did support a woman-owned business and paid well…
–
Jerry Seinfeld said he was upset during the All-Star game “when the Citi Field crowd was booing (players) that they see as rivals to their Mets team.” Of course, to be fair, it could have been an automatic reaction, as these days NY fans are just used to booing their own team.
–
From T.C. “Charles Foley, the inventor of Twister has passed on. He will be buried with his right foot touching the casket’s top left hand corner and his left hand touching the bottom right.”
Have to assume Kate is safely ensconced away from TV and media… But this baby is expected to be a major economic stimulus for the economy – tourist visits and locals buying “stuff.” And if you WANTED to create even more hype for a royal baby that will be King or Queen someday. one way to do it would be to let public assume a due date a week or two early….
–
Lots of talk about banning PED users from baseball for life to make the game completely clean. But isn’t that like expecting the death penalty to completely stop murders? #Nooneexpectstobecaught
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Mets jokes, PED jokes, Rick Perry jokes, Rolling Stone jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 17, 2013
One reason that so many people are eagerly awaiting the arrival of the royal baby? How often do we get a real celebrity baby born in wedlock?
–
So little offense in Tuesday night’s All-Star game you had to wonder if all the batters knew they might be asked to provide a urine sample after the game?
–
Governor Rick Perry, in an Illinois radio ad trying to lure business to his state – “The escape route leads straight to Texas.” Uh, aren’t they talking about a fence for that?
–
–
Matt Harvey said in a Men’s Journal article that he hopes to have the kind of love life Derek Jeter has had, not just the beautiful women, but the privacy. Apparently Harvey, 24, hasn’t thought about Jeter being lucky enough to be in HIS 20s before everyone from age 7 to 70 had their own camera phone.
–
Gay marriages will now be legal in England, Queen Elizabeth II gave her royal assent to a bill passed in Parliament. Of course, watching her own four children couldn’t have given the Queen any sense that “traditional” marriage needed to be defended….
–
An interesting sidelight to the legalization of gay marriage in Britain…. it was Prime Minister David Cameron, a leader of the Conservatives, who first proposed the legislation.
–
San Francisco now has its own Applebee’s on Fisherman’s Wharf. For all those locals and tourists who haven’t known where to get a good pomegranate martini made with Sprite. (No joke, was in an Applebee’s in Kansas, only place open late, and had to have them hold the Sprite.)
–
Asiana Airlines is dropping plans to sue KTVU, the TV station that mistakenly read the four fake pilot names on air. Presumably at least in part because the airline realized such a suit would lead to about four million fake lawyer name jokes.
Despite the most recent controversy swirling around him after his early departure from the Manning QB camp, Johnny Manziel says “I’m still going to live my life to the fullest.” Is it too soon to start a pool on his next possible arrest date?
Texas A & M QB Johnny Manziel said he ended up leaving the Manning QB camp simply because he missed a meeting when he overslept. Yo, Johnny, they’re called alarm clocks. (And there’s an app for that.)
–
Meanwhile in San Francisco, LB NaVorro Bowman is talking about the “huge mistake” by QB Colin Kaepernick – being seen wearing a Miami Dolphins hat. Is it just me, or should “huge mistake” be reserved for situations where the police are involved. Or maybe butt fumbles.
–
If Russia gives Snowden asylum South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham is now suggesting the U.S. consider a boycott the 2014 winter Olympics in Sochi. Yeah, that 1980 boycott turned out so well with Afghanistan….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Asiana airlines jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, John Manziel jokes, NFL jokes, royal baby jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 17, 2013
Mariano Rivera entered his final All-Star game Tuesday night to the familiar sounds sounds of “Enter Sandman” Which was particularly fitting tonight because approaching 11pm on the east coast after 7 1/2 dull innings, a lot of fans were already half asleep.
Three hits for the NL in the All Star game. #SFGiants fans had to figure they were watching a repeat of their team’s last month.
–
I think I speak for all SF Giants fans in saying “Thank God we didn’t see a home plate collision between Prince Fielder and Buster Posey.”
–
Nike has pulled a number of T-shirts from sale after discovering they put a Carolina Panthers logo with the letters “NC” inside an outline of the state of South Carolina. Scary thing, I wonder how many Americans would have noticed.
–
Why should New York have all the fun with elections. Now we’ve got Liz Cheney running for Senate in Wyoming. Against an incumbent REPUBLICAN.
(my friend Jason suggests that Liz with her Tea Party style may cause Dick more grief than his Lesbian daughter did when Bush was out pushing a Marriage amendment.)
–
The head of the MLB Players Association says that it’s possible the players implicated with Biogenesis would not serve their penalties until 2014. Great, so instead of having a suspended player help determine home field advantage in the World Series, we could have one become the MVP of the World Series.
–
Some statements don’t even need a punchline: George Zimmerman’s brother on CNN, said that George “is going to be looking around his shoulder for the rest of his life,” looking out for people who “take the law into their own hands.”
–
Juror B37’s book deal apparently was killed before she wrote a word. Will her former literary agent claim self-defense?
–
God Bless America. In response to an email inquiry about train travel to England, Rail Europe reminds me “It is important to purchase your rail tickets prior to departing for Europe to avoid any language barrier, long lines at the station and sold out trains.” Right, especially that language barrier.
–
The California Supreme Court refused Monday to stop gay weddings in the state, a move that upset Proposition 8 supporters. But where are the cheers from conservatives who believe that government should stay out of our lives?
–
ESPN is already gearing up their British Open coverage. Is anyone but #TigerWoods playing?
–
From Jim Barach: Chris Christie is set to appear on Michael J. Fox’s new show. His camp says it has nothing to do with trying to get national exposure for a presidential run since the show will be aired on NBC.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, juror b37 jokes, Mariano Rivera jokes, SF Giants jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 15, 2013
MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said today that “this sport is cleaner than it’s ever been.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight faces for “Who’s on First.”
–
In related news, Texas Rangers president Nolan Ryan said today that Manny Ramirez could be called up to the team after the All-Star break. Wonder if someone was on hand potentially to help Selig with the Heimlich maneuver.
–
–
The new version of Twinkies is about 10% smaller than the original version. No doubt Hostess will seek a price increase because the new snack cakes are healthier for you.
–
No joke, a new poll shows former Gov. Eliot Spitzer and ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner leading in their respective primary races. Who knew so many New Yorkers were aspiring comedians?
–
Johnny Manziel pleaded guilty to a lesser charge stemming from a bar fight in 2012, and will avoid jail time. Give the young man credit for being precocious – he’ll have a both a Heisman and at least one conviction before he ever gets to the NFL..
–
Steelers and Dolphin centers Mike and Maurkice Pouncey, ttwins who played with Aaron Hernandez at Florida, celebrated their birthday last night wearing “Free Hernandez” caps. Well that ought to do wonders for the image of NFL players as stupid thugs.
So what does the winner of the MLB #Homerunderby get? Besides increased PED testing for the rest of the season?
–
Puig is the toast of Los Angeles, Cespedes won the Home Run Derby…. Coast Guard boats looking to intercept Cuban refugees may find they have competition from MLB boats looking to give them safe haven.
–
Russian President Putin today said of Snowden “As soon as there is an opportunity for him to move elsewhere, I hope he will do that.” Wonder if Putin worries that Snowden can start hacking Russian computers from the airport?
–
An NTSB official said the intern who confirmed false names for the Asiana Flight 214 pilots to KTVU is no longer with the agency. “I am shocked”, said absolutely no one.
–
So Asiana Airlines has actually retained a U.S. law firm and plans to go ahead with a defamation suit against KTVU as a result of the pilot prank. Thereby guaranteeing that the story, and the joke names, including Some Ting Wong and Ho Lee Fuk, remain a headline for months to come.
T.C. (Whose last name is Chong, so he can make this joke: ) “Asiana Airlines said they are considering legal action against KTVU because the station’s reading of the four fake names “badly damaged” their reputation. Look for them to show up with that famous Asian attorney Low Fee.
Look for them to show up with that famous Asian attorney Low Fee.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, Asiana airlines jokes, Bud Selig jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 1 Comment
July 14, 2013
July 14, 2013. A Facebook ad titled “Music for the Holidays” suggests “Create your holiday soundtrack with Pandora for business.” Have they no shame? Everyone knows the Christmas shopping season doesn’t start until Labor Day.
–
Asiana Airlines said they are considering legal action against KTVU because the station’s reading of the four fake names “badly damaged” their reputation. Really? I would have thought what badly damaged Asiana’s reputation was crashing a 777 on a clear day with possibly one of the worst landings in commercial aviation history.
–
Timing is everything. The New York Times did a pre-All Star break baseball story that pointed out there was only one no-hitter this year. And called Tim Lincecum one of the three most disappointing NL pitchers in 2013.
–
Anyone looking at the box scores from last night’s and today’s SF Giants vs. San Diego Padres games will understand, if they haven’t already, that “momentum is the next day’s starting pitcher.” (Earl Weaver.)
–
The All Star futures game today was managed by Mookie Wilson and Edgardo Alfonzo, two former Mets. Well, when you think of minor league baseball, it’s makes sense to think of the Mets.
–
American sprinter Tyson Gay tests positive for a banned substance: Track and Field is beginning to look like a sport with all the honor and integrity of professional cycling.
–
From Bill Littlejohn: after a bystander threw urine on Tour de France rider Mark Cavendish: “I wonder if it tested negative.”
—
Yesterday Metta World Peace said he was done with the NBA, today he wants to play for the New York Knicks. Maybe he meant the Knicks aren’t really an NBA team, they’re more like a circus….?
The time’s they are a changin.’ Jordan Spieth, 19, won the John Deere Classic today. To put this in perspective, based on Spieth’s age, Tiger Woods is old enough to be his father.
–
Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of George Zimmerman’s next arrest?
–
After his acquittal, George Zimmerman got his gun returned to him. So going forward, presume anyone who argues with him has a right to draw their own weapon at any time. Because we’ve already proved, anyone fighting with Zimmerman IS in mortal danger.
–
And serious final note: The death of Cory Monteith reminds us of a sad truth about addiction. Not everyone with a problem plays it out by becoming a tabloid joke with their bad behavior.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana jokes, Janice Hough, Tour de France jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 14, 2013
Just guessing that no one will question Buster Posey catching Tim Lincecum again?
–
The first San Diego batter of the night against Tim Lincecum was a nine-pitch at bat before he finally grounded out. And SF Giants announcers talked about a small strike zone. Over-under had to be about a five inning start, at best?
–
If Ho Lee Fuk is not an Asiana Airlines pilot he might be a #SFGiants fan watching Tim Lincecum pitch tonight.
–
George Zimmerman is a free man. And he’s single. Hey, Casey Anthony is available.
(So anyone want to hire Zimmerman as their neighborhood watch captain?)
For that matter, now that Zimmerman is free and can keep his gun, who volunteers to have him as a neighbor? (My guess, no one with teenage kids.)
–
“Fruitvale Station”, about the Oscar Grant Bart shooting, is already getting Oscar buzz. So does this mean someday there might be a critically acclaimed movie about Trayvon Martin.
–
Dwight Howard says he’s looking forward to a “fresh start” in Houston. The guy is one more alienated team and fan base away from being the Manny Ramirez of basketball.
–
LSU’s star running back Jeremy Hill pleaded guilty to misdemeanor battery during a bar fight this April. The deal that will keep him out of jail. Have to assume the team will add an additional punishment, like making him sit out the Kent State game.
–
23 injured in Saturday’s “Running of the Bulls.” Hey, think we can convince the Texas Legislature that this might be a fun sport for them to try in Austin?
–
Apparently smartphone thefts are one of the fasting growing crimes in this country. My solution: have a Blackberry. No one wants to steal the thing.
–
Star basketball guard, Marshall Henderson, now suspended from Old Miss, was on his , fourth college. And this suspension was the result of “multiple” failed drug tests. It’s all part of the NCAA’s “10 strikes and you’re out program.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Florida jokes, ho lee fuk jokes, Janice Hough, Lincecum jokes, no-hitter jokes, sf giants. George Zimmerman jokes, Zimmerman jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 13, 2013
KTVU, the San Francisco Bay Area station that had been touting their first and best coverage of the Asiana airlines crash, ended up caught with a name prank that might not have fooled many high school substitute teachers, and Friday read the names of the pilots on the doomed flight as “Sum Ting Wong, ” “Wi Tu Lo”, “Ho Lee Fuk” and “Bang Ding Ow.”
–
So after today will the station change its name to K.T.V.Oops? #KTVU #HoLeeFuk
–
So when someone gets fired this weekend from #KTVU, wonder how many offers they’ll get from various shows on #ComedyCentral?
–
So what was more unlikely? That KTVU, a major news station, would fall for a really juvenile prank . Or that the SF Giants would score 10 runs Friday night?
–
You cannot make this “stuff” up: At the Texas capitol while the abortion bill is being debated, state troopers are confiscating women’s tampons and maxi pads as potential projectiles. Guns, however, are allowed. Your move, Florida.
–
Ariel Castro, the Cleveland kidnapping suspect now faces 977 counts against him. Amazing they couldn’t figure out how to go for an even thousand.
–
A new study found that eating probiotic yogurts may help with symptoms of depression and anxiety. But women already know there’s a food that accomplishes that – it’s called “chocolate.”
–
San Diego Mayor Bob Filner’s fiancee broke up with him this week, after Filner admitted he had behaved badly with women who worked for him. The Republican Party of San Diego cheered her move on its Facebook page, saying “she deserves better.” Somehow we all missed it when the GOP said the same thing about Maria Shriver.
–
PETA wants the Tampa Bay Rays to remove its rays “touch tank”, located behind the center field wall at Tropicana Field. PETA feels the fish are in danger after Miguel Cabrera hit the second home run in 6 years that splashed into the tank. (No fish were hurt either time.) What’s next, asking the SF Giants to put a cover over the bay to protect fish from their splash hits?
–
The Senate Democratic leader in Texas says he has stopped state troopers from confiscating women’s tampons at the door of the Capitol. What persuasion did he use? “If tampons are outlawed, only outlaws will have tampons?”
–
Yet another Dreamliner issue, this time a fire on an empty Ethiopian 787 parked at Heathrow airport. Sort of puts a whole new slant on “nonsmoking” and “smoking” sections.
–
The Canadian Football League is into the third week of its season, and there haven’t been any active players arrested yet. Alas, more ammunition for those who say the CFL isn’t real pro football.
–
So Edward Snowden, who originally said he would not seek asylum in Russia after Putin made no further leaks a condition, now says through a spokesman that he could accept the condition, and that he “does not intend to damage U.S. interests given that he is a patriot of his country.” Translation, Snowden’s done some research on what it would be like living in Venezuel
A popular new dish in Colombia is “pork belly tater tots.” Is this the poor man’s version of a Cardiac Stress Test?
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: asiana jokes, ho lee fuk jokes, Janice Hough, ktvu jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 12, 2013
Millions of Americans seem far more invested in the All-Star game voting than in political elections. But to be fair, almost all the baseball candidates offer a decent chance at a good performance.
–
19.7 million votes for Freddie Freeman in just a few days. Maybe to increase U.S. voter participation we should give Americans bonus All-Star votes?
–
After he was accused of sexual harassment, San Diego mayor Bob Filner today apologized for his behavior, saying he failed to respect women who work for him. Surprised Filner didn’t say he was just preparing to be Governor of California.
–
The Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with their neighborhood to install the first Jumbotron at Wrigley Field. Wonder if part of the agreement the Cubs reminding residents that they wouldn’t have to deal with the scoreboard after March and starting in October.
–
No more World Peace in Los Angeles? And anyone who isn’t an NBA fan responds “And your point is?” (Or, as if World Peace ever stood a chance in Los Angeles?)
–
On the front page of Palo Alto Daily Post today “Correction – (name withheld on this blog), 51, of Palo Alto, was not fully nude when police say he was seen performing lewd acts on himself while bicycling through Seale Park on Thursday. Only a portion of his anatomy was exposed, leading to the arrest, police said.” Well I’m sure the man is glad they cleared that up..
–
Michael Weiner, director of the MLB players union said that leaks about the Bigenesis-PED investigation “threaten to harm the integrity” of the drug agreement. Shocking, someone believes there was any “integrity” in the drug agreement?
–
Derek Jeter was removed in the eighth inning from his first game of the season due to tightness in his quad. Or maybe the Yankees was just rushing to make the “Early Bird Special.”
–
The pilot of the Asiana plane that crashed at SFO now says that a flash of light temporarily blinded him 34 seconds before impact, when the plane was already way too low and slow. Guess there were no lifeboats he could claim to have been pushed into?
–
Already on probation for assaulting a police officer in 2012, Patriots CB Alfonzo Dennard was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Looking like a good thing New England signed Tebow – they’ll need all the prayers they can get.
–
Story now is that Dwight Howard was unhappy with the Los Angeles Lakers because he felt Kobe should have passed the torch. Okay, and how dumb is it to go into a situation expecting Kobe to pass ANYTHING?
–
The judge in the George Zimmerman case agreed that jurors can consider the lesser charge of manslaughter. Which may or may not help the prosecutors win their case. But it does make them smarter than their compatriots who went after Casey Anthony.
–
Apparently police are on alert in Orlando for the verdict in the Zimmerman trial.
Depending on the verdict, Central Florida could see the biggest riots since – a – Walt Disney World raised prices, or b – Denny’s raised the prices on their “Early Bird Special.”
–
Today, 7/11, is “Free Slurpee Day” at 7/11. What does it say about this country when
some people can’t be bothered to vote, but they line up for free frozen sugar water….
–
In the never-ending discussion of whether men or women are more intelligent, I give you the annual week long “Running of the Bulls” in Pamplona, Spain, and the gender breakdown of the human runners….. Nuff said.
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star game jokes Florida jokes, baseball jokes, George Zimmerman jokes, Janice Hough, NFL jokes, Patriots jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 