Posted tagged ‘Romney jokes’

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Imperfect storms.

August 29, 2012

In Rick Santorum’s speect at tonight’s GOP convention, he said that we should elect Mitt Romney as president in order to stop an “assault on marriage and family.”  Well, heck, if that’s his priority, why isn’t Santorum also pushing for a constitutional amendment against divorce?

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Whatever the damages from Isaac end up being,  the storm is almost certain to raise gas prices. And former V.P. Dick Cheney said “See, it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.”

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Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newhouse “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.” Well, yeah, fact checkers use liberal commie-pinko stuff like math and science.

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From Gary M.  “Mitt would attempt to cultivate a personality but thinks it would be too taxing.”

 

After tonight’s SF Giants web-gem.  A 5-5-6 foul pop up out recorded by Pablo Sandoval and Brandon Crawford,  seems pretty clear that the Giants are now the official MLB team of professional beach volleyball.

http://sanfrancisco.giants.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?c_id=sf&content_id=24286889&topic_id=11493214

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How does Mitt Romney expect to work with Congress if he can’t even work with Ron Paul delegates?

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ESPN has announced a new MLB contract for the next eight years. Eight years?!! That’s got to be at least 500 Yankees-Red Sox games.

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Mark Teixeira may be heading to the DL. Hmm, wonder which high-priced replacements might be available. Of course now the Yankees and Dodgers are like two rich women fighting over the last new Louis Vuitton handbag.

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Chris Christie bashed California Governor Jerry Brown yesterday. He must be upset at all those folks fleeing the Golden State trying to sneak across the borders to New Jersey.

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Down in Tampa, Rev. Lou Sheldon of the Traditional Values Coalition is still supporting Todd Akin, and says he “would prefer Akin over any competitor in a political race.” Which gives Sheldon something in common with many Democrats.

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If Hurricane Isaac causes less than expected damage to Louisiana how long will it take for Governor Bobby Jindal to stop asking for more federal government money and start complaining again  about excess federal  government spending?

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Darwin award winner of the month: A Kalispell man was killed by cars that ran him over on the freeway, while, according to his friends, he was out there in a ghillie suit (3D military camouflage) attempting to provoke a Bigfoot sighting – to make people think they had seen a Sasquatch.

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Watching the hourly Isaac updates. Must say, in California we have our earthquakes but at least we don’t have to stress out for a week in advance anticipating them.

 

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Didn’t we pay for perfect?

August 26, 2012

The Dodgers lost today, 6-2 to the Marlins. You know what that means – time to trade for another $200 million in new players.

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This just in, the Los Angeles Dodgers have offered Japan $100 million for a futures contract for  Kotaro Kiyomiya.

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The Cowboys have ordained that Dez Bryant must follow some off-field rules, including not going to a strip club, while he is on the team. Let’s hope this doesn’t throw the Dallas area exotic dancing business into a recession.

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USC announced that CB Isiah Wiley has been ruled academically ineligible for the 2012 season and has lost his scholarship. This should send a strong message to other Trojan players – do NOT blow off that final exam for ballroom dancing class.

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T.O. has been cut by the Seattle Seahawks. And who saw that coming?

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If it were the Democratic convention that was postponed  in Florida this week we’d be hearing nonstop from conservative preachers today how Isaac was an Act of God.

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At a rally today, Mitt Romney accused the Obama campaign of continuing “to stoop to such a low level.” And then presumably he closed with another birth certificate joke.

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Ron Paul said today of Mitt Romney: “I don’t fully endorse him for president.” Republicans are just glad Paul didn’t use the phrase “legitimate endorsement.”

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An SF Chronicle article on Florida voters quotes Jim Tornabene, 76, who says he’s a former Democrat, and a retired firefighter with a good pension. He’ll vote for Romney because “He’s a capitalist, and I support capitalism. It used to be the Democratic Party. Now it’s the welfare party.” Right, and I got MY pension.

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Meg Whitman has been CEO since Sept 2011 of HP, which just recorded a record $8.9 billion quarterly loss. Though Whitman says the company is in the “early stages of a turnaround” she expects to take 5-6 years. Not quite the timetable she and others have set for President Obama.

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Whatever you say about Paul Ryan as a running mate, I guess at least he doesn’t put Mitt Romney in a position of running with a politician from Florida or Louisiana, who this week might need to ask for federal funds and help to deal with Hurricane Isaac.

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Down for the count?

August 25, 2012

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”

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Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.

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Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.

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If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.

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My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”

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Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’  rotation.

 

Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”

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Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
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Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
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Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
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Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?
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Missed it by that much?

August 14, 2012

A United Express flight that was supposed to fly from Morgantown to Clarksburg, WV, accidentally landed at Fairmont Municipal Airport, about 10 miles away. Next up for United Airlines, a GPS fee?

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In this case, karma is a Jewish mother. A top politician in Hungary’s far-right Jobbik party, Csanad Szegedi, known for his incendiary anti-Semitic comments, may have to resign from Parliament. He’s been accused of bribery, to cover up the fact that, oops, he IS a Jew.

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Evelyn Lozada is seeking a divorce 41 days after marrying Chad Johnson. This almost makes her an honorary Kardashian.

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Joe Biden added to his long list of gaffes today by saying to a racially mixed audience in Virginia, that the GOP “wants you in chains.”  Not to be outdone,  Mitt Romney plans to serenade the same crowd tomorrow with “We Shall Overcome.”

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Less than a year after Terry Francona was fired, Yahoo Sports is alleging that Boston Red Sox players are fed up with new manager Bobby Valentine. What next? Well, maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger can reprise his role as “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Things are in so much turmoil in Boston that President Obama ALMOST thought of inviting the team and management over for a beer… . Oops, never mind.

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Okay gentle and not-gentle readers,  let’s test your creativity This is today’s Tweet from Donald Trump: “Today I am working on my ‘big surprise’ for the @RNC convention. Everyone will love it.” So what could he possibly be planning?

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Olympic star Ryan Lochtee is going to make a cameo appearance in a “90210” episode as a resort guest. Hmm. Assume they will clean the resort pool afterwards?

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No comment headline of the day “Christie tapped for big role at convention.”

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The NFL now says they expect to start the 2012 regular season with replacement officials. Players are worried the officials may make mistakes that might affect games. And their point is?

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Michelle Obama was teasing Gabby Douglas about her splurging on an Egg McMuffin after winning a gold medal. But hey, Michelle, an Egg McMuffin is about 300 calories and includes protein. Much more healthy than most bagels, muffins etc. And less caloric than many lattes etc.

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Mitt Romney in Iowa: “Entrepreneurs and business people around the world and here at home think that at some point America is going to become like Greece or like Spain or Italy, or like California.” Guessing he’s going to leave that line out of his next Silicon Valley fundraiser…

(my friend Linda asks – Is Mitt selling his La Jolla house?”)

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Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the buttocks at a Nevada movie theater during a showing of “The Bourne Legacy.” Was he wearing a Plaxico Burress jersey?

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What’s in a name?

August 10, 2012

Wonder how many men were basically ignoring the Olympics as background noise on the television tonight until they heard the name “Destinee Hooker?”

(My friend Rich invites everyone also to Google the winner of the men’s trampoline…   Would love to see the headlines if he and Destinee were ever to meet.)

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After their gold medal win today, the U.S. women’s soccer team put on Nike shirts saying “Greatness has been found.” And most of the rest of the world’s athletes said “We didn’t know it had been lost.”

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Gold medalist Aly Raisman, 18, sent, then quickly deleted a tweet about going clubbing in London. She changed it to say she was going to bed early, although 380,000 followers still got the original. Nice to see it’s not just grownups who mess up with technology.

 

As impressive as platform diving is, am I the only one who has a hard time really getting into a sport where the number one sign of excellence is minimal splash?

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Dwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history.

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Kobe Bryant was asked if he can learn anything form the younger players on the USA team. “No,” he replied. ”I don’t know if I know it all, but I know more than they do.” Guess Kobe feels as at home as if he were playing for the Lakers.

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The 200m men’s race was the premier event Wednesday night for NBC, even though most all viewers will already know the result. Well, I guess it works for repeat showings of “Titanic.”

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The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress’s agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit – Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws.

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Highly Kentucky men’s basketball recruit Nerlens Noel has finally been declared academically eligible. Great, so he can show up in the fall and play his freshman season, before dropping out 2nd semester to declare for the NBA draft.

 

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Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia’s Ekimov. “Wow, fast investigative work,” said administrators at Penn State.

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Ann Romney had  tweeted Thursday that “in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person.” Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a “few” hours is like a “few” million, different for the Romneys than for most people.

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Lots of variations on this line,  but Marc Ragovin put it  very succinctly  – ” Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet?”

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From my friend Abbe Nelson:  “NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn…making it very clear that men are not from Mars.”

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Gold medals, leaden coverage:

August 3, 2012

Bizarre watching the Olympics on a European channel: No tape delay, no “up close and personal,” just nonstop sports. What a concept.

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Understandable that NBC wants to show Olympic events in prime-time. Less understandable that some Americans are probably falling asleep at work because they stayed up until nearly midnight to watch an event that happened over 8 hours ago.

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If NBC can only wait a little longer they will have one day’s events shown after the next day’s events actually happen/

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Got to love headlines you only see in the Olympics – as in “Archery upset.”  Or as Augie says “Badminton scandal.”

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Americans are getting so excited about the USA swimming team that a few people are even thinking of watching a post-games event or two before the next Olympics.

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But really, if they made hot-dog eating an Olympic event  where the US had a good chance for gold, Americans would tune in.  And NBC would tape-delay it.

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Re that record breaking 16 year old Chinese girl swimmer: Any truth to the rumor she’s trying to enter next year’s Home Run Derby?
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From Bill Littlejohn: Vanessa Bryant is reportedly upset at Kobe for a photo taken of him at a Team USA party. Which means that he has just gone from playing for the gold to playing for the diamond.–

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Mitt Romney said today that Harry Reid needs “to put up or shut up” with his accusations that Romney didn’t pay taxes for years. Gosh, if there were only a way to settle this once and for all…..

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Okay, I think I understand Romney’s position of the day on the economy. The 163,000 jobs created last month were in spite of Obama. The 8.3% unemployment rate is all his fault.

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Mitt Romney’s website is selling decals saying “Government Didn’t Build My Business, I Did.” Is Mitt also saying that government can’t do a thing about unemployment?

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For any of you who are tired of reading about Olympics results featuring professional athletes playing at amateur sports, the first USA Today college football poll shows LSU and Alabama 1-2…. Oops, never mind.

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Chicago’s O’Hare Airport Terminal 2 was closed and then reopened due to an unspecified “possible suspicious item.” What, did some airline actually try to give away something free?

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From Marc Ragovin: Scandal at the Olympics, as the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams have been accused of tanking early round games to ensure more favorable matchups after reseeding. Word is the authorities were tipped off by a little birdie.

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The Mitt goes to London show

July 27, 2012

Heading off on a seven day cruise vacation – so posts may be less frequent/shorter.    In meantime, it looks like the Olympics will be entertainment enough. Especially the Mitt and Boris (London Mayor) show.

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On the first leg of his international trip, Mitt Romney has managed to insult England. What’s he going to do for an encore in Poland, tell a Polish joke?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2179309/Mayor-Boris-Johnson-attacking-Mitt-Romney-Olympic-torch-arrives-London.html

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Cat fight: (male politician version) Mitt Romney criticized London’s preparedness for the Olympic games. British PM David Cameron responded “”We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”

Mitt Romney has indicated he views this foreign trip to England, Israel, Poland as a leadership audition. So far so good, for President Obama.

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Fred Willard, 72, arrested for lewd conduct in an adult movie theater, said on the Jimmy Fallon show that he did nothing to warrant arrest. He might have added “And for some reason my grandchildren say they are getting me a computer for my birthday.

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Got to love this quote: “I don’t have a problem making it harder. I want people in Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who walks 200 miles across the desert. This should not be easy.” (Buying guns, on the other hand, should be easy.)

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jul/26/florida-assault-voting-rights

 

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Mitt Romney is now doing a 180 on his negative comments about the Olympics. On the bright side if he keeps this up Mitt may have one of those multiple somersault platform dives named after him.

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Kristen Stewart has issued a press release admitting to cheating on Robert Pattinson. And it wasn’t even with Taylor Lautner. (This post probably won’t make sense to anyone over 25.)

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Approaching rings.

July 26, 2012

Ah,  we really know the Olympics are almost here.   Nine athletes, including Olympic bronze medalist runner Nataliya Tobias, have tested positive for “sophisticated doping” offenses.

(of course, have to wonder, if they are REALLY sophisticated, how many haven’t been caught?)

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-President Obama’s re-election campaign is taking the high road with Rafalca, Ann Romney’s dressage medal candidate. A spokeswoman said “We are rooting for the Romney horse in London.” (And no doubt, the last-night comedy feast if Rafalca wins a gold.)

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It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off. Now Dwight Howard says he still wants a trade. This guy’s had so many positions on the subject he might be angling for a place in a possible Romney administration.

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London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women’s soccer team.  It’s times like this I really miss Sarah Palin.

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LSU has offered a talented kid named Dylan Moses a football scholarship. Moses said: ” It means that all my hard work is paying off. All the two-a-days and practices from when I was six on up, it’s paying off right now.” Dylan won’t be starting for the Tigers soon though, he’s 14 years old and going into 8th grade.

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Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn’t help: “This person shouldn’t have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them.” Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the “law.” And one of the first “casualties” for the Nittany Lions is potentially Silas Reed, the team’s leading rusher, who might be going to USC – in the Trojans’ first year after sanctions made THEM bowl ineligible….

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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to backtrack from comments an advisor made that Mitt would do better with Britain because he is “part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Uh, besides the racial slant, how about the fact that a number of Romney supporters probably hear “Anglo-Saxon” and think “darn foreigners.”

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The Mets are 1-11 since the All-Star Break. In New York they are re-dubbing it the “All-Star retirement party.”

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Thought for the night. Another piece of evidence indicating that women are less likely to be homicidal spree killers- the fact that so many men are still alive.

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Chad Johnson, the football player previously known as “Ochocino,” says his problem with the Patriots was “My personality was controlled last year.” Adding “You didn’t hear me at all last year. Zero. Zilch. When my mouth is running, it forces me to perform.” “Thank you, Jesus.” said every sports comedy writer in the U.S.

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Twitter is down. Raising a question for our time “If Twitter goes down in a forest and no one can tweet about it, does it make a sound?”

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A picture is worth at least 100 words…

July 20, 2012

So who’s the least plausible human here?

A scary thought, they’ve all written books.

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According to the Freeh report, Penn State Board of Trustees Chairman Steve Garban was briefed at least twice about the Sandusky case but didn’t inform other board members. Today Garban resigned, saying the past months have been “some of the most painful of my life.” “I feel so sorry for him” – said absolutely no one.

 

 

NBA commissioner David Stern now says the league is looking to add revenue by permitting “small ” advertising patches on uniforms starting in the 2013-14 season. Translation, by 2020, Nascar move over.

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Freudian? The Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu is run by the Mormon church. On my smartphone emails from them show up abbreviated as “Polynesian Cult.”

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Some conservatives love to say how almost 50 percent of Americans pay no federal income tax.

And at least in 2009 that number might have included a certain Presidential candidate….

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Ann Romney on ABC News: “we’ve given all you people need to know” about the family’s finances. Guess this is her version of “Only the little people release tax returns.”

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Former “24” star Kiefer Sutherland is now appearing in a new ad for Axe body spray. Will he now say, for example, that the spray will keep you “cool and confident” between 900p and 1000pm?

 

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-Rumor has it that aspiring actress Yolanda Pecoraro, a Scientologist, may be the next Tom Cruise. Wonder if they’re just waiting for a couch and a contract.

 

From my friend Michael Hayne “Maybe Romney’s tax returns are on the roof of his car.” Personally I’m thinking maybe they were on the roof, but the dog ate them.

 

 

Actor Fred Willard, known for “Best in Show” and “Anchorman” has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater. (He was alone at the time.) Uh, why else would one go to an adult theater?

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So Fred Willard was caught doing what I always presumed men went to adult theaters to do. Isn’t it nice to know the L.A.P.D. has crime so well in hand that they have time to take care of these things?

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Forget the economy, weather and wars, here’s a real sign of the apocalypse: Of the five highest paid TV actresses, two are Kardashians – Kim ($18 million) and Khloe ($11 million.)

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SF Giants today 1 for 8 with RISP (Runners in scoring position, ie, at second base or beyond.)  Which has been a problem for most of the season.    But okay, at 1 for 8,  should we really say “in scoring position?”  More like in “standing” or “stranding” position.

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In-Decision.

July 16, 2012

The Dwight Howard potential trade mess drags on, and on…. At this point Howard might have a better reputation if he had just made a decision and announced it on an ESPN special.

 

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As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking “Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem.”

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Actually is it too soon to nominate “retroactive retirement” as the phrase of the year?

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With all this discussion as to whether or not Penn State’s football program should at least temporarily receive the “Death Penalty,”  here’s a question – if it had been a school without the national reputation and bowl records, would this even be a debate?

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On the first pitch of Sundays SF Giants Houston Astros game,   Jordan Schafer tried to bunt to break up Cain’s perfect game.

(he bunted foul, and ended up making an out,  but Cain gave up a hit in the third.)

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A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man’s loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA’s announcement – “Guns don’t kill people, toddlers kill people.”

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Mitt Romney released a negative ad against President Obama accusing him of negativity. Standby for the next Obama ad accusing Romney of going negative in response to their criticism, and then the next negative Romney ad in response to that…. (Sometimes it’s nice not to live in a swing state.)

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Looks like Jeremy Lin is heading to Houston. Standby for “Y’aLL-insanity.”

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Jason Kidd arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a light pole last night. Over-under on the number of “driving the lane” jokes this week?

(From Marty Burtwell, “he had one too many triple-doubles.”)

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Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last week. With perhaps a rousing chorus of “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want?”

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Actress Celeste Holm has passed away at the age of 95. This is shocking. Celeste Holm was still alive?

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“Jaws” dropping.

July 14, 2012

Richard D Zanuck, the producer of Jaws, has died at 77. Does that mean it’s now safe to go back into the water?

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And who will be the first to say at his funeral “I think we’re going to need a bigger coffin?”

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Mastercard, Visa and many U.S. banks have agreed to pay $7.3 billion to millions of merchants to end a seven-year dispute over credit card “swipe” fees. Wonder how long it will take for the credit card companies and banks to announce $8 billion in consumer fees to make up for it.

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Pitcher Mark Appel is returning to Stanford for his senior year, turning down the Pittsburgh Pirates. Since he still has Scott Boras for an agent wonder if Appel is learning a backup sport if he doesn’t like his potential contract or the teamthat drafts him in 2013.

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People in upstate New Jersey are flocking to a tree that some say now has the image of the Virgin Mary. Really? Come on people. We know the Virgin Mary does not appear on trees. She appears on toast.

(or as friends have pointed out, on grilled cheese.)

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So Prince Fielder won the Home Run Derby and Pablo Sandoval hit a three-run triple that broke open the All-Star game in the first. Not a good week in sports for Weight Watchers.

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Rielle Hunter has apparently ended her book tour after selling only 6,000 copies of her memoir “What Really Happened.” Wonder how many thousands of those books she bought herself with the money John Edwards gives her?

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All this talk about the U.S. Olympic uniforms being made in China. How about the fact that they make our athletes look like British flight attendants with French berets?

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Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints just agreed on a long-term deal. Finally. These negotiations lasted long than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.

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Regardless of what really happened (and when) Mitt Romney left his private equity firm, will this episode go down in history as him being “Swift-Bained?

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Who needs a prince when you’ve got a pair?

July 12, 2012

Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP  “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?

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Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.

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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.

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Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.

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Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?

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American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.

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The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.

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So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.

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Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?

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Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.

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Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?

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Heat enough for you?

July 7, 2012

Ray Allen is going to Miami. Another example of “If you cannot B’Heat ‘Em, Join ‘Em”

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If this keeps up even the Los Angeles Lakers will see warm and cuddly by comparison.

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Apparently the U.S. Government’s anti-mermaid statement – “No evidence of aquatic human aquatic humanoids has ever been found” was prompted by an Animal Planet show on mermaids. What’s next, an anti-talking teddy bear statement prompted by the movie “Ted?”

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Justin Bieber was cited for speeding on a Los Angeles area freeway Friday. Shocking! Bieber is old enough to drive?

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That darn liberal math thing strikes again: Five-term congressman Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) is resigning from Congress after his office failed to submit enough valid signatures to qualify for the Republican primary ballot. (He submitted 2,000, needed 1,000, but apparently only 200-300 were valid.)

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Apparently one surprising name on Mitt Romney’s V.P. list is Meg Whitman. Because nothing says you’ll fight wasteful government spending like teaming with a woman who spent $160 million to lose her race for Governor in California?

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Brad Pitt’s mother wrote a letter to her local newspaper, urging people to vote for Mitt Romney because President Obama is a “liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.” Well, maybe this is why Angelina never wanted to get married –that future mother-in-law.

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Mitt Romney said the recent anemic job figures were “a kick in the gut.” And to his GOP friends in Congress he added “Keep kicking.”

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Mark Rickis added “I just saw a picture of a banner that states “New Hampshire Stands With Mitt Romney”. Does that mean that somebody knows where Mitt stands?”

(The banner makes sense in a way though, because most of those banners, and thus  statements are “blowin’ in the wind.”

 

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George Zimmerman has posted $1 million bail and has been released from jail. If he’s out walking around though, isn’t it reasonable that people might find him threatening?

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Snookie apparently reacted to seeing her fetus on an ultrasound: “Eww… I’m gonna throw up! Said her unborn son  “Back at ya, mom.”

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TSA is now doing random screens at the gate of beverages purchased AFTER passengers go through security. Wonder what the point is? The pilots prefer not to mix their cocktails until after they board.

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Avis now allows their  renters to rent portable Wi-Fi hotspots in the U.K. Just what we need, Americans trying to drive on the wrong side of the road while playing with their smartphones….

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The morning after.

July 5, 2012

Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.

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-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.

When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”

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The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?

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Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.

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Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.

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SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week.   After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.

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Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers.  Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.

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Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers.  Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.

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Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.

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-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”

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Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?

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Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.

From T.C.  “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”

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Olympic Clubbed.

June 18, 2012

First the disclaimer, I know the Olympic Club greens are designed to be extremely difficult. But the final round of the U.S. Open is making a lot of the nation’s top golfers look like boozy vacationers on a mini-golf course.

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Not saying the course’s designers were into causing pain, but the video of the tournament may be subtitled “Fifty Shades of Green.”

 

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Watching Webb Simpson accept the trophy this evening in foggy San Francisco, casual golf fans had to be wondering, “Wait a minute, is this the British Open?”

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Earlier in the day at the Open, however, the story was all Woods, as he started with  three bogies and a double bogey through the first five holes. Meaning a possible headline was “Tiger in the Tank.”

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Many are beginning to realize,  Tiger didn’t have such problems putting balls in the hole when he was putting…. oh, anyone reading this doesn’t need me to finish the sentence.

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The unemployment rate in Ohio has  FALLEN for 10th months in a row. And campaigning today in the Buckeye State Mitt Romney said none of this is Obama’s fault.

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You know baby boomers are aging differently than past generations – when you see an advertisement for “Silhouette” by Depends. With the tagline “Looks, Fit & Feels Like Real Underwear” – and a photo of actress Lisa Rinna in a clingy sleeveless black dress.

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Last weekend in Northern California, a two-alarm fire destroyed the Los Altos office of a psychic business. Uh, shouldn’t they have seen that coming?

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The IOC is now investigating allegations that their authorized agents are involved in a black market Olympic ticket scandal. Isn’t that like putting foxes in charge of investigating a theft from the henhouse?

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On “Face the Nation,” Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s decision to stop deporting some young undocumented immigrants, but three times refused to say if he would overturn it. Really? All Mitt had to do was answer the question, and then say he had changed his mind tomorrow.

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How long until the national media picks up this one. As reported by the SF Chronicle. To settle a lawsuit and keep the America’s Cup, San Francisco has agreed to spend $150,000 to study whether the big racing sailboats will scare birds on the bay.

(as my friend Dave R. says “The answer is yes,  send me my $150,000.”)

 

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Bristol Palin told Sean Hannity this week that someday she might decide to run for office. And a generation of aspiring comics responded “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Can you hear me now?

June 13, 2012

Apple has a lot of plans to expand Siri. Is this really the best idea? As most married women know, men may start out paying a lot of attention to a specific female voice, but over the years learn to tune it out.

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Roger Clemens chose not to testify in his own defense at his trial. Had Roger just not VOLUNTEERED to testify before Congress in the first place,  think of the tiime and money that would have been saved.

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So if Mitt Romney really believes the private sector does so much better a job than government workers, and he really cares about his family as much as he claims to do, why doesn’t he fire his Secret Service detail and use private security?

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Inspired by Peter Woolery: In Los Angeles hockey fans are listening to “We are the Champions.” In New Jersey, it’s “Sympathy for the Devil.”

 

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A tale of two cities: The population of Cleveland in 2010, 396,815, metropolitan area 2,063,283. Oklahoma City 579,999, with a metro-area population of 1,252,987. Early times in the NBA finals, but maybe size isn’t all that matters.

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This summer Burger King is offering a sundae with vanilla ice cream, fudge, caramel, bacon crumbles and a piece of bacon. Where’s NY Mayor Bloomberg when we really need him?

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Sleaze update of the day. Former PSU asst. coach Mike McQueary testified today about seeing Jerry Sandusky in the show with a boy who looked about 10-12 and that he heard a “skin-on-skin smacking sound.” One question for McQueary, how did you live with yourself seeing Sandusky regularly around campus after that?

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Casey Anthony in a phone interview with Piers Morgan. “Obviously I didn’t kill my daughter.” “Obviously?” Well, not exactly.

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But really, why did Casey Anthony choose now to do a public interview?  Was she afraid Jerry Sandusky would take her “Most Hated American” title?

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Senator Harry Reid of Nevada said today that Manny Pacquiao was robbed in his match against Timothy Bradley. Wonder if this means when the government gets through with spending millions on the Clemens trial, they will go after boxing next.

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Sources say an open container of alcohol was found in Lindsay Lohan’s Porsche after her accident. Maybe she figures going back to jail is cheaper than rehab?

(My friend Laura T. says “Where’s Johnny Cochran when you need him? The bottle was left in the car by someone else -if the lips don’t fit, you must acquit…”)

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Rory McElroy, the U.S. Open reigning champion, did a nice job of throwing out the first pitch at tonight’s S.F. Giants game. He said he was practicing by throwing golf balls. Hmm, can anyone pick up a package of those for Tim Lincecum?

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Latest MLB controversy, Tigers closer Jose Valverde allegedly throwing a spitball Sunday night against the Reds. Brings to mind Don Sutton’s great denial of putting a foreign substance on the ball: “Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States..

The SF Giants’ 16 game home run drought at A T and T Park is over. So who had Madison Bumgarner in the pool?

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At 37, Vladimir Guerrero has been released by Toronto Blue Jays and is available. Is he past his prime enough for SF Giants to sign him?,

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Lindsay Graham has broken with Grover Norquist’s and his anti-tax pledge. Graham wants the U.S. to eliminate some tax deductions to get out of debt, saying that due to the country’s poor fiscal climate, the Republican party’s position must evolve. What’s more heretical to the rest of the GOP? Effectively raising taxes or talking about evolution?

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Oxymoron?

May 28, 2012

Isn’t the phrase “Happy Memorial Day” an  oxymoron?

Or at least a  non sequitur?

 

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The Miami Marlins’ Juan Carlos Oviedo, caught playing under the fake name of Leo Nunez, has been suspended by MLB for 8 weeks for age and identity fraud.   The pitcher will be eligible to return July 23. Guess he’ll be known around the clubhouse as the “player to be named later.”

 

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Mitt Romney is promising to maintain a U.S. military with “no comparable power anywhere in the world.” Uh, considering we already outspend the rest of the top 15 countries combined, that shouldn’t be hard.

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The Cubs,  losers until Monday of 12 in a row,   are ranked 30th on ESPN’s Major League Baseball power rankings. The only way this is likely to change? If they get usurped by the future winner of the College World Series.

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Facebook is apparently working on developing a phone. Great, all we need, random calls from “people you might know.”

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Bill Clinton made headlines this week for posing for a picture in Monaco with three porn stars. But to be fair, Bill probably didn’t recognize them with their clothes on.

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On the other hand,  the San Antonio Spurs won again today, continuing their remarkable 19 game winning streak. Although the team is impressive, they just don’t seem to capture the public’s imagination. Why, no one can remember the last time a Spur got arrested or fathered a child out of wedlock.

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Detroit Lions DT Nick Fairley has been arrested in Alabama for the second time in 2 months, this time for DUI and attempting to elude police. Is Fairley trying to get traded to the Bengals?  –

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Sen. Chuck Schumer is urging U.S airlines to waive their fees for preferred seats (i.e. most aisles and windows) to allow families with young children to sit together. Bet a number of mothers are thinking “NO!” At least now I have an excuse to abandon the kids in a safe place for a few hours.”

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Three women in this year’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.

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Really? According to the U.K. Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning by L.A. County Sheriff’s investigators after a photographer claimed he was roughed up at a local mall. So just how money-publicity hungry do you have to be to admit to being “roughed up” by Justin Bieber.

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Happy Mother’s Day.

May 13, 2012

This must be the most stressful day of the year for NBA players –  so many baby mamas –  so little time.

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Bill O’Reilly dismissed the Mitt Romney prep school bullying story as “dumb,” and added that “Everyone does stupid things in high school, and added that he himself shot someone in the back with a BB gun. Is O’Reilly defending Romney or campaigning to be Vice President?

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The second round of the NBA playoffs has started before the first round has ended. More of the league’s efforts to make the postseason as confusing and nonsensical as the regular season.

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Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner will be in a cast for four weeks after a skateboarding accident. I guess this is another step towards equality – young women athletes being as stupid as young men.

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Eduardo Saverin – no problem building a company that started linking students at U.S. universities, with U.S investment, and U.S. educated employees But when it’s time to pay 15% U.S. capital gains tax – hey, I’m outta here. See you, suckers.

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With the way the GOP is trying to make an issue of President Obama’s support of gay marriage I hope none of them plan to go out to restaurants or have their hair done at their National Convention in Tampa.

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Three of the “Top Ten” plays tonight on ESPN are from….lacrosse? Let me guess which network is covering (and selling ad space) for the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship.

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From my friend Gary Bachmann:  “Betty White says she usually keeps her political views to herself, but this year she is announcing her preference for Barack Obama. This is her first public show of support for a candidate since she came out in favor of John Quincy Adams.”

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A top GOP pollster is circulating a memo saying that the party needs to evolve on gay issues. Wonder what upsets some conservatives in the party most – The idea of giving more rights to homosexuals, or the idea of evolving?

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where’s the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons?

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Well hidden

May 2, 2012

Ann Romney says of Mitt that “There’s a wild and crazy man inside of there.” Right, and Hillary Clinton says there’s a monogamous man inside of Bill.

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Newt Gingrich said that it’s “clear Romney is the nominee and the focus should be on defeating Obama. We should not focus on defeating ourselves.” Surprised he didn’t add about the latter sentence “For my part, been there, done that.”

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Facebook has a new way to share your organ donation status with your friends, and link to state databases where you can sign up online. And if you use the app while driving, it may get you to donor status quicker.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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John McCain, when asked if President Obama’s surprise trip to Afghanistan was a political move, responded, “Well I think it’s a good thing, I think it’s always good when the pres. goes to where our young men and women are in harm’s way.” Well, that ought to be enough for some in the GOP to brand McCain as a RINO.

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Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have said their reality show “Khloe and Lamar” is going on “hiatus” while they take a “little time off for family time, kids, basketball, Olympics, you never know.” Millions of Americans responded, great move. Come back when you have grown grandchildren.

The Dow closed at a four year high today. And over at Romney headquarters someone is going “Quick, someone find out what other pet-type animal Obama ate when he was a child in Indonesia.”

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Albert Pujols’ homerless drought continues: I blame Obama.

All these May Day demonstrations come just days before Cinco de Mayo. If the Occupy and Labor folks really wanted to call positive attention to the day they’d hand out free margaritas.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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Regarding a top ten list for  next week,  I’m looking for non-original comments this time  – the most unintentionally funny line of the week.  Things like Joe Biden saying Obama has a “big stick”, or  Ann Romney saying her husband is a “wild and crazy guy.”    Just suggest lines in comments along with who said it.

Not quite a top 10 on new names for Metta World Peace.  To quote Gary Radnich, ‘nobody cares.”

But five good ones.

5. Anonymous:  Metta WWF Peace.

4.  Scott Ostler:  World Peace LOL

3. Mr. Irrevelant.

2. From PBen :  “Meh, World Peace.”

1. From Gary Bachman:  NucleArtest

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Expect the unexpected.

April 26, 2012

Okay, about a month into the season who had the San Francisco Giants’ best starter being…. Barry Zito? Now okay, all you liars put your hands down.

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President Obama says that Mitt Romney isn’t going to be able to suddenly say, ‘Everything I’ve said for the last six months, I didn’t mean.’ And Mitt is thinking “Wanna bet?”

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Burger King, trying to differentiate themselves from their competitors, has vowed to use only cage-free chicken and pork in their food by 2017. Maybe they’d get more business if they promised to use those cages in their restaurants on some children.

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Folks in Arkansas are still pretty upset about the Bobby Petrino scandal. I mean, what was their coach doing in a car kissing a pretty young thing? And she wasn’t even his relative.

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And we wonder how lawyers get a bad reputation. In 2007 the Cosco Busan ship dumped over 50,000 gallons of oil into SF Bay after hitting the Bay Bridge. Attorneys for the owners are suing the Long’s (now CVS) pharmacy since they say it is partially their fault for giving the pilot his prescription medications.

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The Supreme Court seems sympathetic to Arizona’s immigration law. “What does government mean if it doesn’t allow states to defend its borders,” said Justice Antonin Scalia. Hmm, does that mean California can defend ourselves against those who don’t like, for example, our medical marijuana laws?

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The New York Yankees have come out with new team fragrances, for men and women. The perfect choice for those who want to smell like money. http://www.nyyankeesfragrance.com/collections/all

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Thanks to Marc Ragovin for this insight, “how ironic that a black man sent Tim Thomas packing.”

And really, coincidence, or karma being one smart b*tch? Boston Bruins star goalie Tim Thomas turned down a visit to the White House for what he said were political reasons. And the Washington Capitals’ Joel Ward, one of the few black players in the NHL,  scored the series winning goal.

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Get out your hankies – Ann Romney in 1994, about her college years with Mitt:. “We were happy, studying hard. Neither one of us had a job, because Mitt had enough of an investment from stock that we could sell off a little at a time.” We “walked to class together, shared housekeeping, had a lot of pasta and tuna fish and learned hard lessons.”

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Mississippi’s Governor said today that Democrats’ “one mission in life is to abort children.” Wait, what about destroying society by allowing gay marriage?

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Back to sports: My latest little Top Ten readers list. (Since ESPN.com is still evaluating whether they want to bring the list back.) Looking for suggestions, now that he’s been suspended for that violent hit, and has some time on his hand, what’s your suggestion for a good new name for Metta World Peace?

Will post my favorites next Monday night.

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