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Short holiday post.

December 25, 2011

Christmas question – if you are against anyone saying Merry Christmas doesn’t that mean you shouldn’t be allowed to shop at after-Christmas sales?

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Memo from Jesus to Tim Tebow. Sorry dude, got caught up in pre-birthday celebrations.

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Sarah Palin complained that the Obama’s Christmas card just featured their dog Bo. In a bi-partisan spirit some Americans claimed that getting his daughters their dog was the only campaign promise President Obama kept.

A few Christmas gift ideas.

For Rick Perry – a calculator, or if that’s too complicated – an abacus.

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For all those Defense of Marriage types – some celebrity marriages worth defending.

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For Columbus, Ohio, police, extra handcuffs. Since the Buckeyes new coach, Urban Meyer, had 31 players arrested in his six years at Florida. (And many other incidents that didn’t result in arrests.

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Another bipartisan thought –

A trip to see the wizard.

So Romney can get a heart,

Perry and Bachmann can each get a brain.

And President Obama can get some courage.

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Thought to anyone celebrating Christmas somewhere warm:

Speedos, they’re a privilege not a right.

(or “Bikinis, they’re a privilege not a right.)

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Was I good?

December 24, 2011

Well, I was cute. Now when can I expect some dinner.

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President Obama has made it to Hawaii. Wonder if he remembered to get his Christmas wish into Santa first – more GOP debates.

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A late shopping surge appears to be making this Christmas season a particularly good one for retailers. And that’s even without Kobe Bryant needing anymore to buy Vanessa jewelry.

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Oops again, now it’s Newt Gingrich who failed to collect enough signatures (10,000) to appear on the Virginia primary ballot. And for the record, the Gingrich’s live in McLean (VA.)

Newt Gingrich was actually leading Mitt Romney in the Virginia polls before it was announced that he didn’t have the required signatures to get on the ballot. The Gingrich campaign said Virginia has a “failed system.” A “failed system?” Uh, you think you can fix perhaps the most complicated economy in the world, and you can’t count to 10,000?

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Michele Bachmann was confronted by the gay robot “RoboProfessor” (yes, really, the robot exists) in Iowa Thursday. Bachmann took it in pretty good humor. But then, Michele’s already learned how to deal with straight robots. How many debates has she done that include Mitt Romney?

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Down in Venezuela, former SF Giants and current Texas Rangers catcher Yorvit Torrealba struck a home plate umpire in the face during a game. Giants fans are shocked, they, alas, can’t remember Torrealba ever hitting anyone.

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An Ohio man bought a unopened fruitcake from 1941 in an online auction for $525. The fruitcake may have had sentimental value, however, as it may have been the exact one he gave his aunt then for Christmas.

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In college men’s basketball, #15 Pittsburgh lost to Wagner (who?) 59-54. Normally the Pitt Panthers don’t get embarrassed like this until the second or third round of the NCAA tournament.

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Pat Robertson claimed that SNL’s Tim Tebow skit – IMHO maybe the funniest thing they’ve done this year – was “anti-Christian bigotry” and “disgusting.” Except that Tebow, who seems to have a sense of humor, hasn’t complained. And who can say God doesn’t have a sense of humor – for example, armadillos.

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On the second or third night of Hannukkah, and two days after the Winter Solstice, and on Christmas Eve, this all-purpose wish – “Happy Whatever it is You Celebrate!”

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Truth in advertising?

December 22, 2011

Ad for a Florida chain – “Dick’s Sporting Goods” “Every season begins with Dicks.” You can say that again.

(From Tammy Serna again, “One could argue Christmas started without one.”)

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Matt Barkley called a news conference today to announce whether or not he is staying in school or entering the draft? A news conference? Really? Of course this being USC I suppose we should be glad they aren’t doing a one-hour special.

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And it turns out Barkley is returning for his senior season. Good news for Trojan fans. With Lane Kiffin as coach, this could be the school’s one and only year off probation.

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Another Barkley, Charles quoted on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” about the GOP debates. “As a democrat who loves the president I am positively giddy.

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TMZ reports that NBC correspondent Jay Gray, who was reporting on the abuse scandal, was arrested last week on DUI charges after attending a party at Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer’s house. Is there something in the water in State College that turns grown up men associated with sports into idiotic a**holes?

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Looks like President Obama won this round of chicken over the payroll tax with John Boehner. Pleasing many Democrats who were just hoping for Christmas that the President would get his cajones back.

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Stephen Colbert says he will pay $500,000 to help fund South Carolina’s first-in-the-South GOP presidential primary. Heck for that amount of money, his name recognition and the “Anyone but Romney” mentality, Colbert could WIN the S.C GOP primary.

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Yale coach Tom Willams has resigned after it was learned that he falsified his resume about being a Rhodes scholarship final and playing on the practice squad with the SF 49ers. On a brighter note, Williams was offered a job at UCF with George O’Leary.

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Mitt Romney, answering Newt Gingrich’s complaints about negative advertising. “But you know, this is politics, and if you can’t stand the heat in this little kitchen, wait until the Obama’s Hell’s Kitchen turns up the heat.” Actually, not a bad idea, since Congress isn’t working together, wonder if the President can put in a call to Gordon Ramsey?

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Jerry Greene at ESPN.com’s latest top ten list. Top ten signs your sport marriage is in trouble. Honored to have one in there plus the closing line. http://espn.go.com/espn/page2/story/_/id/7379083/readers-provide-top-10-tips-high-profile-marriage-trouble

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Bowling for dollars?

December 22, 2011

An Arizona prosecutor decided not to prosecute any of the 31 politicians and 3 lobbyists for accepting free game tickets and/or trips from the Fiesta Bowl. (He blames this on “complex and contradictory” laws.) Proving once again, the only people who get punished for bad college football behavior are future players.

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Yale football coach Tom Williams resigned after the school investigated whether he lied on his resume about being a Rhodes Scholarship finalist at Stanford. The coach now admits he never applied for the scholarship. A matter of honor, or a matter that in Willams’ tenure, the Bulldogs were 16-14, but 0-3 against Harvard?

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TCU, who just missed a BCS bid, plays Wednesday against Louisiana Tech in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, at “Snapdragon by Qualcomm Stadium”. (Really.) The full title may take longer to say than the most people cared about the game.

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Ah technology. Golden State Warriors guard Monta Ellis is the latest to be accused of sending a woman unwanted sexts including a photo of his genitalia. Reminds me of something my friend Alex Kaseberg said, paraphrased it’s “Doesn’t matter if you’re an athlete, a politician or a rock star, NO WOMAN wants to see a picture of your junk.”

It is enough to make many famous men long for the old pre-cellphone days, when at least cheating could be done with plausible deniability.

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White Castle is doing a one-restaurant experiment in Lafayette, Indiana of serving beer and wine with their burgers. The chain may have the sequence backwards, it’s usually only AFTER drinking that White Castle sounds good.

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“Restore Our Future” is an independent PAC supporting Mitt Romney by running negative ads against Newt Gingrich. “Restore Our Future?” Many in Massachusetts wish they could just restore the old Mitt Romney.

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Sarah (remember me?) Palin is criticizing the White House Christmas card.. Instead of highlighting “family, faith and freedom, it just shows the Obama’s dog, Bo, in a room decorated for Christmas, with the message “From our family to yours, may your holidays shine with the light of the season.” Maybe Obama chose to feature Bo because he has the family’s highest approval ratings?

An Iowa voter reportedly referred to Newt Gingrich as a “f-cking a–hole.” No word on whether it was one of his ex-wives.

Aaron Rodgers won the AP 2011 Male Athlete of the Year. Presumably vote taken before last week’s Chiefs game. Packers fans are hoping it’s not a SI Cover type jinx.

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Must be hard than we thought to make ends meet as a retired NFL Superstar. Here’s what Joe Montana is up to Jan 12. (thru Living Social) “Joe Montana Fan Experience, 1.5 hours, Two Drinks, Two Raffle Tickets, and Food ($119); with Signed Photo of Joe Montana ($199); or with Signed Photo and 30-Minute VIP Meet and Greet and Photo with Joe Montana ($399)

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Washington, D.C., Christmas verse – Twas almost the night before the payroll tax break expired, and all through the House, not a creature was stirring, not even a Louse.

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From Marc Ragovin: Gary Johnson switichng from the GOP to the Libertarian primary will have as much impact as the Astros switching from the NL to the AL

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Liars and jokers and clowns, oh my….

December 21, 2011

Mitt Romney is slowly picking up endorsements from GOP leaders, presumably who are all singing under their breath – “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

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Actor Tom Cruise told People magazine today that “Every day I fall more in love,” with wife Katie Holmes. Who says platonic marriages don’t work?

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Former American Idol runner-up David Archuleta has announced he is taking a break from his singing career to go on a two-year Mormon mission. This news surprised many music fans, who didn’t realize Archuleta still had a singing career.

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Just how stupid do they think Americans are getting? Got a nice gift of two bottles of wine in a box this Christmas. The description tag says “No refrigeration required.”

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As part of the Ohio State sanctions, former coach Jim Tressel, was hit with a five-year “show-cause” order (meaning a school will need to “show cause” why they hire him and face sanctions if they do.) You know what that means, look for Tressel to follow Pete Carroll to the NFL.

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The NCAA sanctions for Ohio State apparently include a bowl ban for 2012. Actually a more appropriate punishmanent might have been – allow the team to play but ban them from receiving ANY memorabilia.

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Congratulations to the Stanford women’s basketball team, who knocked off Tennessee tonight 97-80. But kudos also to Tennessee coach Pat Summitt, 59, who is still coaching after a diagnosis of early onset dementia, and is putting a brave and public face on a very nasty disease.

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The U.S. House decided to leave for their holiday break, without even voting on the payroll tax cut extension. Hmm, with most Americans if we don’t do our jobs before vacation, we don’t get paid, or we get fired when we come back.

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John Boehner apparently asked President Obama to order the Senate to appoint negotiators to work out a compromise with the House on a payroll tax-cut extension. Is this a budget battle or a NFL/NBA type lockout?

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Bipartisan rant: Not that it will ever happen, but while we’re in the season of wish lists, could we outlaw this stupid procedure of putting stuff in Congressional bills that have nothing to do with the bill itself? (Not talking about ways to pay for the bill, but stuff like pipelines, various pork, etc. And yes, both parties have been guilty of this.)

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These clowns are making the NBA players and owners look mature.

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A twisted thought from T.C. regarding Big Ben’s sore foot – “Rex Ryan volunteered to take a look at it.”

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Gary Johnson announced he is dropping out of the GOP Presidential primary, and will run instead for the Libertarian nomination. The number one response of most Americans – “Who the heck is Gary Johnson?”

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Kim Jong Very Ill. (Dead actually.)

December 19, 2011

Kim Jong Il died at the age of 69. “What a shame” said absolutely no one outside North Korea.

Not a great year for evil dictators. Shame the North Korean press release just said it was due to “overwork” and not “overwork fighting against the evil United States.” Though it might be a bit much even so for President Obama to take credit for this one.

The New York Times said tonight about Kim Jong Il – “He fostered perhaps the last personality cult in the Communist world.” “Who am I, chopped liver?” responded Fidel Castro.

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Added Mark Brickman, “He was outlasted by his playful mother, Ma Jong.”

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Okay, okay, we get it, Tim Tebow is not a good NFL quarterback. Although today neither were Aaron Rodgers and Eli Manning.

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Apparently God looked at that Patriots-Broncos matchup, and said “Over my pay grade, I’m just going to help Tim Tebow by helping Matthew Stafford and the Lions.”

My friend Daniel Silveira commented, “God had a prior commitment in North Korea. After taking care of Kim Jong , Jesus pointed to the sky and said, -“thank you Tebow.

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The Indianapolis Colts won their first game today, and after the game announced that Peyton Manning won’t play in 2011. Makes sense, the Colts are just one win away from having to flip a coin with the Vikings or Rams to get Andrew Luck.
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Thinking some of those 1972 Miami Dolphins are getting too old to be able to pop their own champagne corks.

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Mitt Romney is trying to show his softer side. So he went on Fox News Sunday to and talked about his wife and his personal history. Wonder if this week he’ll try to fill stockings for all those underprivileged corporations at Christmas?

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The Redskins beat the Giants 24-10, and it wasn’t that close. Even Nancy Pelosi looked surprised. Oh, right, she always looks surprised…but this time she really was.

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How bad a day did the Giants and Eli Manning have against the Redskins today? New York fans started to count down the days until Mets spring training.

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Bob Dole endorsed Mitt Romney, thereby surprising many Americans. “Bob Dole is still alive?”

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Nice win by Carolina over Houston today, but Jeremy Shockey claimed he was motivated because the Texans “weren’t showing respect to America during the National Anthem.,There were about 10 players who didn’t put their arms across their chest. This is America.” Uh, okay, but I grew up learning you put your hand on your chest for the Pledge of Allegiance. You sing (and take hats off) for the Anthem.

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“I” of the Newt.

December 13, 2011

You cannot make this “st*ff” up dept. Newt Gingrich is now pledging future marital fidelity and as a potential President. So somehow he believes the Oath of Office is somehow a higher bar than “forsaking all others?”

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Follow up to Gingrich’s pledge of future marital fidelity. Assume that’s as long as he’s campaigning and if he wins. So if he loses, guess Callista had better watch the interns.
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Actually for all this talk about fidelity and who’s the most religious etc, my strong sense is that if it weren’t for the 22nd amendment Bill Clinton could win another term.

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Wonder how long until flight attendant departure messages start saying “Please take your seat, turn off your cellphone and stop playing “Words with Friends.”

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Not excusing Baldwin’s behavior but as far as an actual danger to the flight…? Should we start being worried if Zynga starts showing statistics indicating a high number of people on Homeland Security’s watch list start trying to learn how to play “Words with Friends?”

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In a dig at millionaire Mitt Romney’s offer to bet Rick Perry $10,000, millionaire Newt Gingrich offered to bet Romney $10. (that he wouldn’t give back money he made laying off people at Bain.) Of course, there’s a reason Gingrich wouldn’t bet $10,000 – it’s called “Callista’s Tiffany account.”

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Conservative radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich $1 million to drop out of the Republican primary race. Ever the smart businessman, Mitt Romney has asked about a similar offer – Mitt figures he can always change his mind a month later.

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Former SF Giant Aaron Rowand signed a minor-league contract with the Marlins. Makes sense, for the past few years Rowand’s been a minor league hitter.

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The Miami Dolphins at 4-9 fired their coach. The Kansas City Chiefs at 5-8 fired their coach. Guess this is ownership’s way of saying, “You sucked, but not enough to get us Andrew Luck.

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By winning tonight, the Seattle Seahawks kept their playoff hopes alive. Anyone but me just a bit disgusted that Pete Carroll and Reggie Bush have absolutely no restrictions on their postseasons, while kids at USC who had nothing to do with their misdeeds are forced to stay home?

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Newt Gingrich is proposing a flat tax but where Americans will have the option of using the current system or his new proposal. An independent study said it will add to the deficit but Gingrich said the plan will create jobs. With everyone needing to compute taxes twice? At H and R Block maybe.

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Brian Urlacher said last night of Tim Tebow “He’s a good running back.” And what does that say about the Bears then? Getting flat out humiliated in the late fourth quarter by a running back who was calling signals and throwing passes?

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While the Bears were dissing Tom Tebow, Tom Brady, QB of the Patriots, who are the Broncos next opponent, had nothing but nice things to say. Translation, Brady is smart enough to understand public relations, or maybe just Catholic enough that he doesn’t want to p*ss God off.

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In Cincinnati, Saturday night’s all right for fighting.

December 11, 2011

After a major game-ending basketball brawl with the University of Cincinnati, Xavier’s star guard, Tu Holloway, whose trash talking helped instigate the whole mess, talked about it being a rivalry game and how Xavier’s motto was “zip ’em up.” Uh, Tu, what you REALLY should have zipped was your mouth.

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Cincinnati’s Yancy Gates, who threw a serious punch, is almost certainly going to be suspended and could even be dismissed from the team. On the other hand, with that kind of size (6’9″, 260 lbs,) and hitting, Yates could be offered a job with the Bengals.

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When the question of whether marital fidelity should influence voters’ choice for President, Newt Gingrich responded “I’ve said I made mistakes.” He then added that since he is now a 68-year-old grandfather, it might be time to move on. Got it. So we should elect Newt now that he is too old to cheat on his third wife?

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Regarding Cavaliers’ owner Dan Gilbert’s comment about 25 teams being the Washington Generals, the Washington Wizards are offended. They ASPIRE to be the Washington Generals.

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Mitt Romney proposed a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry as to whether or not he backed individual healthcare mandates. And then denied that a 10k bet meant he was out of touch. Well maybe. But what happened to that Mormon prohibition against gambling?

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Jim Mora has been hired to coach UCLA’s football team. Well, with a lifetime 31-33 record in the NFL between the Seahawks and Falcons, Mora seems like the right guy to lead the Bruins back to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl again in 2012.

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NL MVP Ryan Braun just tested positive for a PED. You have to think that Barry Bonds is shaking his head and smiling.

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Silver lining of Braun’s failed drug test? The SF Giants can point to their 2011 offense and say they were clearly the most performance-enhancing-drug-free group of hitters in baseball.

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The most disappointed fans about Braun’s potential failed drug test? Those who had Prince Fielder in the pool.

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MLB has officially reinstated Manny Ramirez from the voluntary retirement list. Although any team taking a chance on signing him is probably doing the baseball equivalent of marrying a Kardashian – it’s exciting at first, it’s a lot of media attention, and it will probably blow up in your face.

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Not that I am a Romney fan, but now that Gingrich is at least the temporary front-runner….well, there’s something amusing about a man being accused of being a flip-flopper by another man who’s been married three times.

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Congratulations to Robert Griffin III on his Heisman, even though, admittedly biased, I would have voted for Andrew Luck. But here’s the remarkable sidebar -both Luck and Griffin are excellent students, Luck an Academic All-American, Griffin, Dean’s List, and both are heading to the NFL with actual degrees.

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Bowl weak?

December 8, 2011

ESPN is running advertisements for “Capitol One Bowl Week: December 17 – January 2. Wonder which SEC graduate came up with that one?

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And they wonder why football players are bad at math.

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From my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “I’d love to hear the voice message Alec Baldwin left on American Airlines’ answering machine.”

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Nice to see Newt Gingrich surging to the front of the GOP pack. Since Newt already helped one Democratic President get re-elected.

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Arizona State apparently had an agreement with June Jones to take over as their head football coach, but for some unknown reason pulled the offer. That was a quick relationship. Who is negotiating for ASU, one of the Kardashians?

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Jerry Sandusky has been arrested again on new molestation charges. And because he was unable to post bail the former Penn State coach was taken to jail. “What a shame,” said absolutely, positively nobody.

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Rod Blagojevich was sentenced today to 14 years in prison. The disgraced former Governor quoted Kipling, that this was a time “to be strong and fight through adversity.” Too bad Blago forgot this other Kipling quote: “You haf too much Ego in your Cosmos”

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Rod Blagojevich is the fourth Illinois governor in the last four decades, and the second in a row, to end up in prison. Scoffed Louisiana politicians – “Amateurs.”

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So will they start swearing in governors in Illinois by saying “Will the defendant please rise?”

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Not sure Rod Blagojevich gets it. The judge threw the book at him. And the former Illinois governor caught the book and tried to sell it on Ebay.

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Now that Bobby Valentine is managing the Red Sox, Terry Francona has taken his place as an ESPN baseball analyst. Wonder how long it will take Francona to start complaining about the slow pace of Boston pitchers.

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Orlando Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide is trying to clear up rumors that he may have “drunk dialed” Dwight Howard, saying he only had “two to three glasses of wine over a three-hour period after a social event and that he wanted to return text and phone messages Howard had left for him.” Hmm, wonder if the phrase “I love you, man” was involved.

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ESPN is actually doing a “Game Day” type setup with regular broadcasts directly from the baseball winter meetings. Well, it’s still more compelling than what would have been NBA regular season games.

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The Marlins have dropped out. But the Cardinals, Cubs and other other unnamed team apparently keep upping their offers to Albert Pujols; the slugger will get well over $200 million for 10 years. Pujols is taking his time deciding. But once he signs, it won’t take long for Albert to pronounce – “It’s not about the money.”

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Oops. A cannonball fired as part of an episode of the “Mythbusters” television show missed its mark and hit a Dublin home and a car Tuesday. As my friend Laura said, you have to wonder what myth they were busting. (The myth of their competence?)

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Bowled over?

December 5, 2011

In a college football season, only one team stays undefeated all year, after beating their rival by 3 points. And that rival ends up with only the one loss. And so since it’s that close, why not a rematch in the national championship? Well, except when it was Ohio State beating Michigan 42-39 in 2006 And the Florida Gators got into the championship game. (Apparently Michigan didn’t qualify under the SEC codicil.)

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Here’s a crazy easy idea for the National Championship. Can’t be any worse. Play the big bowls Jan 1 like they used to – either the four BCS bowls or those bowls plus say, the Cotton Bowl. Vote afterwards and have the top two vote-getters play a week later.

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One reason Jim Harbaugh probably figures he made the right choice to jump to the 49ers last year: In the NFL you can lose a game and still have a chance to play for the championship.

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It seems like yesterday that many pundits figured Tim Tebow was John Elway’s taking a shot in the “SuckforLuck” bowl. Of course, I figured Alex Smith was going to serve the same function for Jim Harbaugh.

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With LSU-Alabama in the National Championship, schools in the SEC conference will divvy up $34 million. Wonder how many thousands will go for academics?

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LSU coach Les Miles was quoted on ESPN saying he is very happy to be playing Alabama. Well, yeah, a team with a mediocre offense they know they can beat. With a lot less prep work than it would take for Oklahoma State.

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The first of many Fiesta Bowl trivia items: Brandon Weeden, the OSU QB, is 28 years old. (Really.) That’s older than Alex Smith, Tim Tebow and Aaron Rodgers -Rodgers turned 28 on Friday.

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Manny Ramirez has had his second PED suspension reduced from 100 games to 50 games. Plus Manny has both hired agents AND filed for reinstatement from MLB’s retired list. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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There are rumors that Herman Cain may now endorse Newt Gingrich. Well, Newt may not have shown he can lead the country, but he has shown Herman a path on how to rebound from “woman issues.”

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Cain says he’s not quitting, he’s just changing to Plan B – “changing Washington from the outside.” Hmmm, wonder if Sarah Palin helped him out by writing that message on his palm with a sharpie.

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And regarding plan B, might not have been necessary if Cain had had a plan Z (as in keep your zipper zipped.)

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Busted Championship Series?

December 4, 2011

A lot of one-loss teams in college football after this weekend. What a shame that the sporting world has never figured out a way after the regular season to play such teams off against each other..

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Thanks to Southern Mississippi, BCS bowl games can all safely say “We no longer have a Houston problem.”

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Ndamukong Suh failed in his attempt to have his two-game suspension overturned. Guess NFL commissioner Roger Goddell decided to put his foot down.

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Herman Cain has told his supporters to “board the Cain train.” Which apparently has turned out be Amtrak. (And let’s hope for Herman’s sake that when he gets home, it doesn’t turn out to be a remake of “Murder on the Orient Express.”

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Some conservatives put all the allegations about women and Herman Cain down to a liberal conspiracy. But really, assuming liberals were organized enough to pull off such a conspiracy (which I doubt), wouldn’t they have waited until he was actually on the ticket to do the most possible damage?

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What’s next for the former pizza mogul? A line of t-shirts saying “I had an inappropriate relationship with Herman Cain and all I got was a lousy order of Hot Wings?

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Syracuse basketball Jim Boeheim apologized for accusing the men who said they were abused by his former assistant coach Bernie Fine of lying for money. Boeheim added that no one told him what to say and his apology is “what I feel.” Of course what Boeheim also may feel is that he would like to keep his job.

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Coca Cola had been packaging Coke in white cans for the holidays and as part of a campaign to protect polar bears. But the company is adding red cans after some consumers complained that white cans looked like Diet Coke and made the soda taste different. Can’t imagine how Americans get the reputation sometimes for being whiny wimps.

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Commissioner Larry Scott stated of the Pac 12’s 1st championship game “Of course I acknowledge there is disappointment around the fact that we’ve got a 6-6 team that fired their coach this week.” And blames the NCAA for putting USC on probation. Uh, maybe the conference could have had #1 play #2? Or not added two lousy teams (Colorado and Utah) in the first place.

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GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said this week that gay people do have the right to get married, as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. Like her husband Marcus did?

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In the Pen, State

December 1, 2011

Joe Amendola, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer now says he might have to talk to his client at some point about pleading guilty to charges of child sex abuse.

Not that things weren’t bad enough before, but when your lawyer who married his 16 year old CLIENT after he got her pregnant (true, you can google it) thinks you’re too guilty to defend, well it’s probably over.

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So what did coaches like Joe Paterno and Joe Boeheim really say during those recruiting trips? – “Yeah we’ll carefully look after your sons, but you’d better guard their little brothers on visiting weekends.”

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The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports that interim coach Tom Bradley will be in charge of the Penn State football team through this year’s bowl game. Translation, as if we could find someone else to step into the middle of this mess.

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LSU coach Les Miles stands to make over $6 million this year with bonuses, further assuring the coach will stay in Baton Rouge instead of considering an pro job. Plus there’s the major advantage in getting new players in the SEC as opposed to the NFL. Juvenile records can be expunged.

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Anyone missing the NBA regular season at this point? Me neither.

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Kris Humphries now wants his marriage to Kim Kasdashian annulled, saying that it was a “fraud.” Making him perhaps the last person in America who paid attention to the marriage to figure that out.

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A Utah hunter is recovering after being shot in the buttocks when his dog stepped on a shotgun that he had laid across the bow of his boat. Guess that’s what he gets for having named the pooch “Cheney.”

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Herman Cain told Fox News he is indeed “reassessing” his campaign saying the accusations are ” constantly weighing on me and my family, especially my family, because it continues to stir in the news.” You think he might have thought his actions may have weighed on his family…?
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Meanwhile, Cain today told his supporters to “stay informed because … stupid people are running America.” Not necessarily disagreeing with him, but some even stupider people WANT to be running America.

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For Herman Cain, maybe it’s not taxes but attractive women he should have approached with the plan “Nein, nein, nein.”

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Barry Zito is apparently getting married. Well, for a change, and for his sake, let’s hope this one actually turns out to be a successful long-term contract.

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Apparently Tampa QB Josh Freeman had a minor accident and injury at a shooting range earlier this season. Freeman has thrown 16 interceptions this year; sounds like he’s as accurate with a gun as he is with a football.

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Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

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Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

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Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

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The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

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Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

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A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

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We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

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So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

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The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

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The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

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Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

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Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

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Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

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Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

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So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

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Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

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The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

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Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

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A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

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The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

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Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

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But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

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Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

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Moving the football.

November 21, 2011

Who knew? The so-called “Game of the Century” between LSU and Alabama, might not have been one of the top ten college games of November.

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Listening to all these NFL players introduce themselves and their college, I propose a new rule – You only get to mention your college or university IF you have actually graduated.

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Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named a first-team Academic All-American with his 3.48 GPA in Architectural Design. In the SEC, at least a few QBs can allegedly spell “Architectural Design.”

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All this strength-of-schedule crap. Never going to change with the BCS. Because an out-of-conference loss knocks teams down so far, there’s no reason for SEC to play good Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 teams. And vice versa. We get one or two games like LSU-Oregon and the rest is conjecture. Another reason we need a playoff.

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The University of Miami, currently tied for #7 in the ACC, has decided to self-impose a bowl ban for 2011. What a crushing disappointment for all those kids who grew up dreaming of playing in the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl.

While readers may know I’m biased in favor of Stanford, I am not a 49ers fan (I root for the Saints.) But San Francisco is having an impressive year.

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For those West Coast sports fans tired of East Coast bias, the most fun part about listening to the Sunday Night Football? Listening to the announcers talk about marquee teams like the Giants and Eagles, and realizing neither of them is playing as well as the 49ers.

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Of course, if the BCS had anything to do with the NFL playoffs, the 49ers would be seeded about 10th.

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“Breaking Dawn” took in over $139 million this weekend. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Amazing. How the heck did some of those women get men to go with them?

(my niece Sarah implies some teenage boys may have been crazy like foxes and gone to a showing to meet teenage girls. Alex Kaseberg says “It rained so hard in LA it washed a straight dude into a showing of “Breaking Dawn.”)

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Of course, maybe this is all a plot. By opening “Breaking Dawn” the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they’d rather go shopping.

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Jim Harbaugh was the most sought after potential NFL head coach last year. And it is just possible that he might have been under-rated.

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Congress is giving us yet another oxymoron – “Super-committee.”

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The new MLB contract between the owners and players will reputedly include testing for HGH. Translation- The players have found something better.

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In Sunday’s Vikings-Raiders game, Minnesota almost punted early because the officials forgot third down. “See, not so easy is it?” said Rick Perry.

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What we have here is a failure to communicate….

November 17, 2011

Herman Cain’s latest “oops” minute, asking a crowd at Versailles restaurant “how do you say delicious in Cuban?” Michele Bachmann immediately came to his defense, saying she doubts even President Obama knows that many words in Cuban.

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Meanwhile, it is apparent watching Gabby Giffords that her cognitive skills are largely intact, but she is having serious trouble getting words and sentences out. Some think she shouldn’t run again for Congress, but hey, Gabby’s already ahead of certain candidates for the GOP presidential nomination.

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As Newt Gingrich becomes relevant in the GOP primary again, despite three marriages and admitted affairs, are there any other women with the same question I have? How did Newt find so many women who found him attractive?

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Meanwhile, Melania Trump told Joy Behar that her husband Donald will decide in the next few weeks whether to get back in the Presidential race. Guess the the Donald has seen Newt Gingrich’s surging poll numbers and decided it’s a good time for family values types on their third wives.

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At a recent campaign stop for Rick Perry, people were told that non-U.S. Citizens would not be allowed to enter. Apparently it was a misunderstanding. With that rule Perry would never be able to have an event catered by any restaurant.

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from T.C. Washington Nationals kidnap victim catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued this weekend in Venezuela. While in captivity, he overheard his abductors saying they weren’t interested in Terrell Owens either.

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For many Americans, especially baby-boomers, one result of the past week is that after over 30 years, the movie “Carrie” is no longer the standard for the most awful imagined shower scene.

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Mike McQueary, the assistant coach who said he saw Jerry Sandusky raping a young boy, now says he “stopped” the attack and did go to the police. Not sure who to believe at this point, but to paraphrase a line from Hamlet – “Something is rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.”

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Apparently former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been implicated as a client of a $800 a night call girl ring in northern France. Maybe his defense will be this was an example of a serious French stimulus package.
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The GOP controlled House of Representatives just passed a bill to dramatically expand the right to carry concealed firearms Well, concurrently with the Occupy movement what could possibly go wrong?

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Natalie Wisneski, former COO officer of the Fiesta Bowl, has been charged with filing false income tax returns for the bowl game. And faces campaign finance and conspiracy charges. Ah for the good old days when that might have been one of the biggest college football scandals of the year.

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Terry Francona withdrew his name from consideration for the Chicago Cubs managerial job. Apparently Terry feels that he’s a manager, not a miracle worker.

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In the “who cares” department, Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner have broken off their engagement, which they announced in August. On the bright side for those who like celebrity romance, their engagement did last longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

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Okay, guys who read this blog can ignore this one: People magazine has declared Bradley Cooper this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Please, can we just retire this competition and give the award permanently to George Clooney?

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Hearing voices.

November 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now at least the third GOP candidate to claim God told him to enter the Presidential race. (After Bachmann and Perry.) Maybe God really wants President Obama to be re-elected?

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So what do Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul have to do to get airtime at GOP debates? Start harrassing women and forgetting how to count?

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So when do we get to see the GOP debate we’ve all been waiting for? The one when Mitt Romney debates himself.

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Sorry, Detroit Lions: Even Rick Perry can think of three good reasons not to kick it to Devin Hester.

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One of the NY Giants said before today’s game against the Patriots that you “can’t spell ‘elite’ without Eli.” You can’t spell “unraveling” either.

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AirTrans is being sued over live cockroaches that appeared on one of their flights. On Europe’s Ryanair, they’d probably charge extra for the wildife viewing. (Or the snacks.)

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Stanford’s QB looked awfully human yesterday. Which might have been bad news for the Washington Redskins. Since the Miami Dolphins appear to have decided they no longer need to “Suckforluck.”

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A George Washington University professor of medicine resigned last month amidst allegations that she did not teach some of her classes but gave all of those students As. No confirmation on the rumor that she has received a half dozen offers to teach sports medicine to SEC football players.

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Maybe some of the Philadelphia Eagles missed their calling in not playing hockey. Seems like they would be better in a game with only three periods.

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Congrats to the ageless John Kasay: Four field goals today for the Saints including the winning kick in overtime. He may end up the first kicker to make a 50 yard field goal in his 50s.

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Kate Von D. apparently posed a angry letter today about the 19 women she said her ex-fiance (and Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband) Jesse James cheated on her with in the past year. Sounds like Kate was the only person who was surprised this happened.

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But really, 19 women in a year? Who does Jesse James think he is? Tiger Woods?

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Interesting sidelight to the Penn State story. The media is reporting that 15 adults either saw Sandusky or had “direct knowledge” of his acts and did nothing to stop him. NONE of those adults were women.

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Bus to hell moment: Gloria Cain defended her husband against allegations of sexual harrassment by saying “I know that’s not the person he is. He totally respects women.”

Not doubting Mrs. Cain’s sincerity, but isn’t it likely if asked that Mrs. Sandusky would have said of her husband “He totally loves children?”

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Slip sliding away.

November 13, 2011

Well, the high wet grass was SUPPOSED to help Stanford tonight. Instead their BCS title hopes and maybe Andrew Luck’s Heisman hopes went slip sliding away.

(It’s as if Oregon had the right cleats and the Cardinal didn’t. And then there was their inability to hold on to a wet football. Stanford played like they had never been in damp weather before. It’s not rocket science, and they’re supposed to have the rocket scientists anyway.)

But ever onward.

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As far as the team really “Sucking for Luck” can I nominate his Stanford teammates?

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Open note to Stanford fans who saw tonight’s ugly game and thought “Most embarrassing week ever.” There’s a lot of folks who would trade places with us in State College.

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The best news for the BCS. After today there’s much less chance of the Stanford band getting to take on Penn State in the Rose Bowl.

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Cam Hutchinson on the Penn State mess: “Joe Paterno was fired as the football coach. When asked how he felt about it, the 84-year-old Paterno said, ‘I coached football?'”

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Another serious thought about this Penn State mess and the alleged coverup that went far beyond State College. Jerry Sandusky was considered a great defensive coordinator and potential head coach. But after he resigned in 1999, no university offered him a job. This in a sport where Rick Neuheisel, Lane Kiffin, George O’Leary had no problem getting rehired after scandals….

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Hugh Hefner apparently told an interviewer that Lindsay Lohan will be “fully nude” in Playboy magazine’s Jan-Feb issue. And that the spread will be “classy, very classy.” This might be the first time in recent memory that Lohan and “classy” have been used in the same sentence.

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In tonight’s GOP debate Jon Huntsman made a calm statement about avoiding a trade war with China, and also said “We diminish our standing in the world and the values that we project, which include liberty, democracy, human rights and open markets, when we torture. Waterboarding is torture. We shouldn’t torture.” If the man gets any more reasonable he’ll be polling in negative numbers.

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Meanwhile, when asked about his many flip-flops, Mitt Romney replied “I think people understand that I’m a man of steadiness and constancy.” Is Mitt counting on the fact that most Americans may not understand the meaning of three syllable words like “steadiness” and “constancy?”

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NBA commissioner David Stern is blaming “greedy” NBA agents for trying to scuttle a new labor deal. Right, as opposed to all those benevolent billionaires who just have the players’ best interests at heart.

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That story of former porn star Sasha Grey reading children’s stories to first graders in Compton, CA is still generating some anger. Mostly from fathers who weren’t notified in advance and given a chance to attend.

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Rick Perry did better at tonight’s GOP debate. But he didn’t get a chance to say what he really wanted -the three reasons he is still the best candidate. The Texas Governor planned to explain both of them.

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All aboard the bus to hell

November 10, 2011

Okay, this first joke is bus to hell worthy.

But these days that bus is pretty full anyway.

The Vatican issued a statement that they were appalled by the Penn State allegations. And they don’t understand why Jerry Sandusky wasn’t immediately transferred to another school.

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And no “how do you separate the men from the boys at Penn State” jokes. Because, clearly, they don’t.

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Glad the truth is coming out, but already looking back wistfully a few days ago to when the most embarrassing stories in college football involved memorabilia, players being paid, and the BCS.

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College students are rioting in State College over the firing of Joe Paterno. And two things about the rioters are probably true: One, the kids love Joe Pa; two, they are too young to have kids of their own.

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In State College, PA there’s a half-block mural “Inspiration”, that has pictures of famous people in the community. The mural had included Jerry Sandusky. But artist Michael Pilator painted him out, replacing the ex-coach with an empty chair and a blue ribbon to symbolize the victims. Well, at least someone connected with Penn State did SOMETHING.

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Apparently the allegations against Sandusky surfaced in 2009, when he was an asst. high school football coach (yuck) and a 15 year old said he had been touched inappropriately. The school told Children and Youth Services, who got the attorney general’s office involved. The grand-jury investigation started that summer. One of many questions, stories about Bonds and steroids leaked immediately, what took this so long?

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Not defending Joe Pa, but the idea of putting football before justice is not a new one. Remember Lawrence Phillips? He almost killed his ex-girlfriend, and might have if her new boyfriend hadn’t shown up to rescue her. Nebraska head coach Tom Osborne suspended Phillips briefly but brought his star player back for the National Championship, which the Cornhuskers won. Osborne’s “punishment?” He stayed on as coach, was elected to Congress, and is now the Nebraska AD.

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Joe Paterno said in his retirement statement, he was “absolutely devastated by the developments in this case.” Yeah, but not half as devastated as the children his ex-assistant allegedy abused.

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One of several scary thoughts about this Penn State mess. If Sandusky hadn’t been seen, and if Joe Pa hadn’t been so stubborn about staying a figurehead long past when he should have retired, Sandusky would now be the Nittany Lions head coach.

AP Headline “Another star gracefully leaves Dancing.” Punning aside, this might be the first time Nancy Grace and “gracefully” have been used together.

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Since his good friend Brett Ratner was booted as the producer of Academy Awards over some offensive comments, Eddie Murphy has announced he will no longer host next year’s Oscars. Thus disappointing both people who were looking forward to seeing him.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers just signed Albert Haynesworth. Which is good news. For the Saints and other teams in the NFC South.

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Meanwhile, back in the realm of ordinary college football tawdriness, UCF’s (University of Central Florida) athletic director, along with an asst. football coach and the men’s basketball coach, over alleged recruiting violations. Ah timing. This might end up one of the least reported such major college football scandals ever.

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Another chance at the #1 pick bites the dust?

November 7, 2011

For many NFL fans, Sunday is a day of frustration. And today the most frustrated fans in the U.S. might reside in Miami. Where the Dolphins’ failure to collapse as usual cost them first place in the Andrew Luck bowl.

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Peyton Manning has talked about wanting to come to practice to try to help the Colts, even if he can’t play. At this point Indy may ban him from being anywhere near the field.

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Now that Miami has no chance for a “perfect” record, will the 1972 Dolphins celebrate by breaking out some Andre Cold Duck? Or generic beer?

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Still can’t quite believe that 9-6 – (in overtime) – LSU Alabama game. Most of the players haven’t seen a score that low since they took their SAT tests.

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If we needed any more proof that ESPN has become a wholly owned subsidiary of the SEC (as well as the Yankees), the headlines tonight might remove the doubt – “Alabama falls to #3 after loss to LSU.” As opposed to “Undefeated Stanford still behind one-loss Alabama in BCS poll.”

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I know Barack Obama is a Bears fan, but you have to figure he’s developing a soft spot for the Redskins. Because once a week now, Washington residents are screaming at someone besides the President.

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So does today’s 38-24 Denver-Oakland game mean that God really loves Tim Tebow? Or that He/She just really doesn’t like the Raiders?

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So a thought for all these folks calling for an LSU-Alabama rematch in the National Championship: Teams tend to be more conservative in big bowl games. Which means last night’s tie in regulation might be a 0-0 game in January. So how many overtimes would it for both teams to go to penalty kicks?

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San Diego’s Philip Rivers threw 3 interceptions in a 45-38 loss to the Packers today. Well, adding this to last week’s fumble means that Rivers probably won’t make the Pro Bowl but that giving spirit does make Philip the front runner to play Santa Claus at the Chargers’ Christmas party.

(my friend Michael Moroney adds “or the Packers’ party.”)

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My son noticed this, and we wonder why ESPN doesn’t seem too concerned about college athletes neglecting academics : GAMEDAY WEEK 11: NOV 12 2011
LIVE FROM PAL ALTO, CA (Guess things like spelling/geography aren’t required for a career in sportscasting.)

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“Puss in Boots” remains #1 at the Box Office, thanks to the family audience. Makes sense. Kids love the cats. And moms just close their eyes to listen to and think about Antonio Banderas.

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Kris Jenner insists that the public shouldn’t criticize Kris, because they don’t “really know her family.” Dear gawd, you know what that means – more Kardashian “reality” shows.

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Well, at least she’s consistently inconsistent: Liz Cheney, saying that the media’s focus on sexual harassment allegations against Herman Cain were “pretty frustrating,” and “this is not the issue that’s going to decide the election.” Of course, Liz recently attacked Bill Clinton’s involvement with the White House because “there’s not exactly an impeccable record of integrity there on the part of the former president.”

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Okay, I have no idea exactly what happened between Herman Cain and his accusers back in the 1990s. But I do have to wonder, if it were women who were coming forward to make similar accusations against a young Barack Obama, would all the conservatives claiming “dirty tricks” and “racism” be giving the President the same benefit of the doubt?

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