Not enough millions to buy a clue?

Posted May 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Yikes, when asked if he would ask Tiger Woods to dinner during the U.S. Open. Sergio Garcia told a U.K paper:.”We’ll have him round every night. We will serve fried chicken.” It’s a tough job, but Garcia is doing his best to make Tiger look likeable by comparison.

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Dwight Howard is now saying he was marginalized and underutilized by Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni. Even Sergio Garcia is saying “Dude, quit whining and play.”

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Apple Computers is facing scrutiny for only paying 2% in tax on $74 billion in income routed through their Irish subsidiaries. CEO Tim Cook that Apple pays “all the taxes we owe, every single dollar,” and doesn’t “stash money on some Caribbean island.” Well, no one ever accused Ireland of being part of the Caribbean.

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Britain’s first doctor of aviation medicine says that the brain’s performance is slightly impaired while traveling by plane. Because air pressure in the cabin is equivalent to being outside at 6000-8000 ft elevation. That explains why so many people now choose actually to buy airplane food?

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A bipartisan Senate panel approved an immigration reform bill, but Democrats had to scrap a provision including LGBT couples. WTF? Aren’t LGBT couples most likely to be two-income couples who don’t burden our social services with children?

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From ESPN – “Detroit Lions expected to start new bowl in 2014.” What? So they can guarantee a win by playing in it?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers have won the NBA draft lottery, meaning they can pick that highly touted future superstar….what’s his name….uh, never mind.

 

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The PGA annouced that using a long putter while holding it against your body while putting will be banned effective Jan. 1, 2016. The belly putters will still be allowed — provided they are not “anchored.” Great, one more potential violation for eagle-eyed couch potatoes to call to report..

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Charlotte’s NBA team will take back the “Hornets” nickname from “Bobcats,” which was named for original owner Bob Johnson. Current owner Michael Jordan chose not to name the team after himself. Makes sense, the way the team has been playing no way MJ wants his name on such a mess.

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Can’t wait to see what she says about the Oklahoma City tornado: Sarah Palin this weekend posted “Global warming my gluteus maximus,” because it was snowing in Alaska in May.

 

 

A man who committed suicide in Paris’s Notre Dame Cathedral today reportedly did it as a protest against France’s legalization of gay marriage. Well, that’s one less person who can vote to overturn the law.

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Anthony Weiner is officially running for mayor of New York. Not sure of all his platform, though no doubt it includes full employment for comedy writers.

 

New York #Rangers appear ready to follow  Knicks to summer vacation. Bummer for the #Mets, more spotlight on them.

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As suggested by PBen.  Oklahoma Senator Coburn is on record now saying that any tornado relief funds for OKLA must be matched with cuts elsewhere. How much money could we save by cutting Oklahoma down to one senator?

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Oklahoma, not OK.

Posted May 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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But first, give this country credit.   Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin has been one of the Governors most strongly rejecting Obamacare, and no doubt she is not a favorite of the President.  But Obama promised major disaster aid immediately, with the same efforts to cut red tape he did in New Jersey with Sandy.  And I expect a positive response from Governor Fallin.  Even if it’s not an election year.

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Now, back to snark.

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It’s only May, but for Time’s “Person of the Year” 2013, may I suggest Mother Nature?

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The tornado news out of Oklahoma is pretty horrific. Wonder how long it will take though for Reps. Jim Bridenstine and Markwayne Mullin,  and Senators Tom Coburn and Jim Inhofe who all voted “no” on Sandy Relief, to demand federal aid?

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Oklahoma currently ranks 3rd in the nation after Texas and California in terms of total federal disaster and fire declarations. Now, the first thing we need to do is help the state, ideally with a funding bill free from added pork. But second can the state’s senators and congressmen STFU about funding other state’s disasters.

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The death toll in Oklahoma unfortunately keeps climbing and will no doubt include many children. No way of knowing yet how many victims had been told to evacuate and/or go to shelters but perhaps next time people, wherever they are, will be a bit less cavalier on weather warnings.

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And how long until the first conservative pundit or politician figures out a way to try to blame the Oklahoma tornado on Obama?

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Apparently the Seattle Seahawks have the highest PED suspension rate in the NFL since Pete Carroll took over. And they probably attend classes at the same rate Carroll’s players did at USC.

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Tiger Woods was asked if he had tried to clear the air with Sergio Garcia after the Players Championship. His one word answer – “No.” Guess this marriage cannot be saved.

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Ray Manzarek of the Doors died today. Scary Doors sidelight. Had he lived, Jim Morrison would be 69. A few months younger than Mick Jagger.

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The NFL is close to moving the draft from April to May. Translation, “We want one more month of post-Super Bowl hype to take the spotlight from other sports.”.

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Relations between President Obama and the media may not be at their best, but up in Canada….. The Toronto Star and Gawker are raising money to buy a video from Somali drug dealers that purports to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack.

(What are signs that Rob Ford was smoking crack…. for starters was it his alleged planned Stanley Cub victory parade for the Maple Leafs?)

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Yahoo bought Tumblr and in a press release “Promises not to screw it up.” Uh, could they un-screw up Yahoo mail first?

Mark Obenshain, GOP nominee for Virginia attorney general, introduced a bill in 2009 that would make it a crime for women not to report a miscarriage to police within 24 hours. Why stop there? Why not also make it a crime for men to “spill their seed upon the ground?”

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A winning Mega Millions lottery ticket was sold in New Jersey, although the winner has yet to claim the prize. Presumably because he/she is busy making plans with the winnings to move out of New Jersey.

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Meanwhile, back at IRSGate or whatever they call it now, Okay, I get that the Tea Party may have been targeted unfairly by the IRS. But while they are proclaiming their outrage, would some Tea Party leaders also like to explain how they are a social welfare organization and not a political organization?

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Dogging it?

Posted May 19, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Ken Rosenthal thinks that Don Mattingly soon to be fired as #Dodgers manager. Wouldn’t it be worse punishment to make him stay whole season?

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Meanwhile #SFGiants. This road trip might be the worst ever not involving the Donner Party.

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If misery loves company, then at least relations betweens SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers fans may never be better.

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SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy said this has been the worst week he can remember “Wanna trade?” asked President Obama?

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Meanwhile MLB umpires are thinking next week can’t get any worse… From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but he was heard singing the other day “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base at the old ball game.”

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A Florida Lottery executive told the AP. “We’re delighted right now that we have the sole winner,” and added that Florida has had more Powerball winners than any other state. Uh, except that as far as bragging, this is kind of the opposite of winning the state IQ test.

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Star Trek: Into Darkness” had a $70.6 million opening weekend in the U.S.- slightly disappointing to Paramount executives who had expected more. On the other hand, $70.6 million is pretty impressive considering how many theater-goers went without a date.

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A SNL skit last night paid homage to “The Graduate” as Seth Meyers broke up Stefon’s wedding. Reading this, a number of younger Americans no doubt are thinking “What’s ‘The Graduate?'” A number of older Americans are thinking “Who’s Stefon?”

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Now that gay marriage is legal in France, how long until the next trend is winking at married gay couples having affairs?

A man is in critical condition after falling from a roof during a San Francisco Bay to Breakers party Sunday. Which is sad, but did the media even need to add that police suspected alcohol “may have been involved?”

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That story about the 21 year old student on Long Island, NY  who was taken hostage and then accidentally killed by a police bullet is awful. But once again, I wonder, if even a trained professional can make such a mistake in the heat of battle, why do so many think more armed amateurs will make us safer?

Comments: 2 Comments

Power (ball) failure?

Posted May 18, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Apparently if we really want to get voter turnout up in the US, all we need to do is offer voters a free #Powerball ticket.

 

But there was a Powerball winner tonight,  as the odds indicated this time because  most combinations were picked. And if most Americans understood the math of why that is unusual, they wouldn’t be playing in the first place.

 

(although as Michael Schilby points out..  A ticket is “cheaper than going to a Cubs game, and, if you’re a Cubs fan, more rewarding.”

 

One positive thing about Powerball, at least it’s made sure most Americans have learned to count to 59.

 

Was only six numbers off tonight’s #Powerball jackpot, and I didn’t even play.

 

So with about a month to go in the NBA finals, we’ve got teams from the major media markets left of San Antonio, Indianapolis, Memphis and Miami. The winner? Might be Major League Baseball.

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#Oxbow won the #Preakness. Meaning the Belmont Stakes will now be about as much of a TV ratings success as the rest of #NBC’s lineup.

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Not saying Oxbow’s jockey Gary Stevens is old, but rumor has it he had to rush to the track for the 6:18pm post time after finishing his Early Bird special dinner.

 

(Alex Kaseberg adds, that Stevens is so old,  “he left Oxbow’s right turn signal on the whole race.”)

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Wow, never thought I’d type this: If the 2013 SF Giants could pitch and catch, they’d be dangerous.

 

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In 2013, Notre Dame can qualify for a BCS bowl if they win 9 games and finish in the top 14 of the final BCS poll. But due to current contracts, if they win, say, 6-7 games the Fighting Irish, while bowl-eligible, might have to stay home. Oh the horror.

 

No one was injured when a US Airways Express flight had landing gear problems and ended up making a belly landing at Newark Airport airport last night. But standby for a “wheel maintenance fee.”

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So will the main accomplishment of the Houston Astros moving leagues be keeping the LA Angels out of last place in the AL West?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if Americans and the media got as up in arms about coming up with a fair and reasonable tax system as they did over whether some political groups were too closely scrutinized over what would be at best a questionable tax-exempt status?

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Long odds.

Posted May 17, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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The odds of winning the week’s $600 million Powerball the jackpot are 1 in 175,223,510. Well, at least that’s slightly better than the Cubs winning the World Series.

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5.1 earthquake in Ontario, Canada today. What triggered it? Monday’s unprecedented avalanche of falling Maple Leafs?

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A new cellphone video appears to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Wow.And just a few days ago Torontonians thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen to their city was the Maple Leafs.

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New York Jets RB Mike Goodson was arrested this morning on drug possession and weapon charges. Good news for everyone who had May 17 in the “When does the post Tebow circus really start?” pool.

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9 errors in 4 games. If this keeps up the #SFGiants are going to have to add asterisks when they sell those “game-used gloves.”

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Seattle DE Bruce Irvin became the third Seahawk to be suspended in six months for PEDs. At this point the team is racking up so many rules violations Pete Carroll must think he’s back at USC.

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But come on. Seahawks DE Bruce Irvin was suspended FOUR  games for PEDs.  Only 1/4 of the regular season. Even Bud Selig thinks the NFL drug policy is lame.

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Beyonce has announced she is pregnant with her 2nd child. No announced due date but since she’s not really showing it appears she and Jay-Z will have several months to come up with a name weirder than “Blue Ivy.”

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Open note to other California drivers:   If your SUV or minivan is big enough to fit an entire Little League team, it’s probably a tad too big for a “compacts only” parking place.

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Pat Robertson is taking some heat for his comments on infidelity:   “Males have a tendency to wander a bit, and what you want to do is make the home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” What’s Pat’s defense, that he was going to follow Sanford and Weiner in attempting another run for office?

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Congrats to Vince Young. Who today is getting his degree from the University of Texas. And all across the SEC football players are asking “What’s a degree?”

Weird travel note.  No joke.   You know it’s a bad weekend to find hotel rooms in San Francisco when United Airlines has an internal message on delayed flights “DO NOT SEND ANY MISCONNECTS…NO HOTEL SPACE IN SFO.”

Glenn Beck is now claiming that the Obama administration concocted the AP and IRS scandals to take the focus of Benghazi. Leaving the bat-shit crazy element out of this, amazing that some conservatives think the only thing Obama can accomplish is a conspiracy.

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Youth and skill…

Posted May 16, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Are sometimes overrated.  Signed the old and treacherous San Antonio Spurs.  (But nice try, Warriors.)

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Who’s rooting hardest for the New York Knicks to stay in the NBA playoffs? Might be the Mets and Jets. As long as the Knicks are alive it keeps their problems off the front page.

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Former Oakland Raider 1st round draft pick Rolando McClain, 23, just retired after signing with the Ravens. But McClain, who’s been arrested 3 times in 2 years, says he’s only leaving football to get his personal life in order and “God willing,”might play in the NFL again. Right, because nothing helps you get things together than having millions of dollars and nothing to do.

 

(An interesting aside, Ryan Duca points out that dating back 10 years, the Raiders have zero 1st or 2nd round picks that they made still on the roster.)

 

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The White House would really like to get these negative stories off the front page. Wonder how much they’ve offered to have Carnival Cruise Lines strand another ship somewhere?

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A bipartisan House committee says say have an agreement “in principle,” on immigration reform. What?! How did they find the time with all these more important questions to deal with like Benghazi and the IRS tea party targeting? .

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Another thought about the IRS and targeting potential conservative tax-exempt organizations. Yes, again, stupid. But if the agency had that much political power wouldn’t they have taken away the exemption for Karl Rove’s “Crossroads GPS?”

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Hillary Clinton has been announced as a speaker for the ASTA travel agent convention this September. And no doubt Bill has told her “Honey, you need to travel and see as many vacation destinations as possible beforehand.”

 

The latest player caught in baseball’s testing program is a Marlins minor league pitcher who has been suspended 50 games. If you have to cheat and you can’t even make the Miami Marlins roster, maybe it’s time to find a new career choice.

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WTF? Dick Cheney on Benghazi: “In my past experience when we got into these situations — especially after 9/11 — we were always there, locked and loaded, ready to go on 9/11.” So after Benghazi who does Cheney think Obama should have invaded?‘

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Florida is trying to get rid of gambling machines, which some think means they should shut down games inside Chuck E. Cheese. Although patrons would still be gambling that they could find anything edible.

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Alabama coach Nick Saban said that former assistant coach Tim Davis’s calling him “the devil himself” was “terribly disappointing.” I believe Saban prefers the term “God.”

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MLB is thinking of expanding video review in 2014 and possibly making all calls other than balls or strikes subject to instant replay. Stand by for Yankees-Red Sox games going from four to five hours.

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David Beckman has announced his retirement.  Once again Brett Favre responded: “the first time is the hardest.”

 

American Airlines is trying something smart. Allowing passengers whose only carry-on item fits under the seat to board early, in hopes of avoiding the slowdown when folks try to get their suitcases overhead. Now the fun, watching passengers insist their large bags fit under the seat…..

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Now, on the other side of smart,  American managed to lose a box containing a gold worth $625,000 at Miami International Airport.  The airline believes it was stolen after it was unloaded onto the tarmac.

And here you thought it was just your cheap luggage they couldn’t keep track of….

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From Bill Littlejohn:  San Francisco pitcher Jeremy Affedlt discovered a clerical error from earlier in his contract and, as a result, returned $500,000.00 back to the Giants.A similar situation with Alex Rodriguez might involve the return of the Louisiana Purchase.

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Venezuela, which has been dealing with all kinds of consumer goods and food shortages, now has a shortage of toilet paper. Insert “deep doo-doo” joke here:

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Flori-duh, again.

Posted May 15, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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At a Florida Starbucks, a woman accidentally shot her friend in the leg when she dropped her purse and a .25-caliber handgun inside discharged. She told police she put the gun in her purse when her father gave it to her last year and had forgotten about it. Wow, and I thought I had too much junk in the bottom of MY purse.

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Open question to those in the GOP wanting to make sure the IRS never again targets political groups asking for tax-exempt status – so assume you are okay with all the potential 501 (c) (4) groups that are forming even now who just happen to support the same policies as, say, Hillary Clinton?

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OJ Simpson wants a new trial for stealing personal memorabilia he said dealers had stolen from him. Simpson admitted yelling at the dealers when he took the stuff, saying “I wanted them to feel my pain.” Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman’s families have SO much sympathy for him….

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All these writers talking about why the U.S. shouldn’t intercede in Syria. Thinking it can be boiled down into three words – “Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.”

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Don’t get me wrong, what the IRS did was wrong. But if you WERE going to investigate potentially fraudulent tax-exempt applications, suppose it’s not a crazy idea to start with organizations whose announced mission is to be against taxes.

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Rough day for Seattle basketball fans – NBA owners voted today that the Kings should stay in Sacramento. Which means the only thing that Seattle folks had to smile about was the Memphis Grizzlies upset series win over the Oklahoma City Thunder.

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Leave politics aside. Who else would tune in to watch Darrell Issa and Eric Holder compete in Celebrity Boxing?

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Just how embarrassing was this two day visit to Toronto for the SF Giants? They may have had to leave town wearing Maple Leafs jerseys.

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Somehow I missed the news report where the #SFGiants had their gloves confiscated on arrival by Canadian customs?

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Orb drew the rail.:  And after Saturday, depending on who wins the Preakness, millions of Americans may pretend they understand that sentence.

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From Jim Barach: “Donald Trump will have to testify at a civil trial in Chicago over one of his condos. The worst part is when he takes the witness stand and swears in with “I swear to tell the truth…so help me Me.”

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Carlos Zambrano has signed a contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Wonder if it’s to pitch or replace the Phillie Fanatic?

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Green Bay Packers Pres.& CEO Mark Murphy said that the Packers hope to have Brett Favre “back involved in the organization soon” and to retire his jersey. And Favre is thinking, why retire it when I can still play?

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92 people were caught in an Orlando prostitution sting, including one man who ended up soliciting an undercover cop on his honeymoon. Talk about bringing your bride to Fantasyland….

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Turn the lights back on, the party’s not quite over…

Posted May 14, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Toronto Maple Leafs fans are still shocked about their team’s end of game seven collapse yesterday. Even Yogi Berra thought it was over.

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So the SF Giants are just trying to make the good citizens of Toronto feel better about the Maple Leafs’ world class choke job last night, right?

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So how long until they put Toronto Maple Leafs playoff t-shirts on sale? Presumably all of them with the neck opening three sizes too small.

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Years ago in Spring Training, Randy Johnson killed a bird with a pitch. If R.A. Dickey and Barry Zito, Tuesday night’s starting pitchers in Toronto, did the same thing, that bird would still be telling the story to his grandchildren.

(Scot asks   “Watching Giants v Blue Jays does this mean every 12 year old has the velocity to make the “bigs”, before they discover drugs?)

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So ESPN is reporting that Jonathan Sanchez is about to sign a deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. It must be part of a plan to sell more beer at Dodger Stadium.

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He’s more than cricket: Prince Harry on his US tour participated in a baseball practice with Harlem RBI, a group that helps inner-city youth, and hit a home run.  Is it too late for Harry to sign with the Mets?

Forget all these boring U.S. political follies: Mark your calendars. Downton Abbey returns January 5, 2014..

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This whine has legs. After Sergio Garcia claimed that Tiger Woods distracted him during his swing, Woods said tournament officials had told him Garcia had played already and it was okay to pull out his own club. Now TPC officials say Woods is lying. Gosh, and why would anyone ever distrust Tiger?

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Good for Angelina Jolie for coming forward about her double mastectomy. . And if anyone ever wondered just how sexy reconstructive surgery can look…  I think we are about to find out.

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Last week an Air Force office who headed the sexual assault prevention office was arrested for allegedly groping a woman, now the Army said a soldier coordinating a sexual assault prevention program is under investigation for “abusive sexual contact.” Jeez. This is worse than having a Congress full of adulterers and divorced men defending marriage.

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From Marc Ragovin:  The New York Mets have signed Rick Ankiel after he was released by the Astros. Ya know, I think that signing Astros castoffs is the first sign of the Apocalypse.

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Ariel Castro’s lawyer today said he is not “a monster.” Well I should hope not. If he said otherwise, they’d hear from the “Monster Anti-Defamation League.”

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One of those rare serious thoughts,  The National Transportation Safety Board is recommending that the benchmark for DUI be lowered from 0.08 blood-alcohol content (BAC) to 0.05. If they really want to make a difference, how about instead a recommendation that restaurants/bars have breathalyzers available to patrons?

Comments: 1 Comment

Ouch, eh?

Posted May 13, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Even Cubs’ fans are sending sympathy notes.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs had a 4-1 lead in the third period (out of three for non-hockey fans.)  And a two goal lead with 82 seconds to play.  And they lost in overtime.

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The Leafs absolutely put on a clinic – on how it is possible to play hockey with two hands wrapped tightly around your own neck.

choke

So the Justice Department appears to have been spying on the AP – a major player in the “lame-stream media.” Somewhere, Sarah Palin’s head is about to explode.

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From my friend Neil Berliner:   Sarah Palin: “The Justice Department should leave the AP alone. Especially my favorite AP; “Angry Birds.”

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Kim Kardashian says she has become “more of a recluse” during her pregnancy because she is preparing to protect the privacy of her baby. And no doubt she will call a press conference every week to reiterate that fact.

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Justin Blackmon, arrested for aggravated DUI in 2012, and now suspended for four games for violating NFL’s substance-abuse policy, says he doesn’t have an alcohol or substance-abuse problem. He just has a “problem making a decision.” And Lindsay Lohan chimed in “What he said.”

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The first hearings on the IRS’s alleged targeting of Tea Party groups start Friday. So how do we get Congress to move this fast on say, little things like a budget and sequestration?

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Due to a makeup game,  fans who turned on the television Monday morning could see the  Yankees playing baseball.    This only usually happened when ESPN schedules a Sunday night game against the Red Sox.

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NY Giants co-owner Steve Tisch now says that Tim Tebow “going from the Broncos to the Jets was not in anybody’s best interest” Oh, I don’t know, the deal pretty much guaranteed that however much the Giants might have disappointed in 2013, they wouldn’t be the biggest media/comedy target in New York.

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Now that’s fast action. Marco Rubio has just demanded that the IRS commissioner resign. Which Douglas H. Shulman, a Bush appointee, has done. Last year. The post has been vacant since November, 2012

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Minnesota just legalized the rights of gays to marry. Wait a minute… I thought Marcus Bachmann was already married. Oh, they mean to EACH OTHER. Never mind.

Comments: 6 Comments

Oh Mother.

Posted May 13, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Across America, many people took their moms to baseball games to celebrate Mother’s Day. Except maybe at Citi Field, where Mets fans figured their moms had already suffered enough.

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In San Francisco “good Timmy” Lincecum walks off the mound after 111 pitches and 7 shutout innings. To the relieved applause of 40,000 fans who were afraid that “bad Timmy” would have ruined their Mother’s Day.

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Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia bicker so much, are we sure they didn’t used to be married to each other?

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“The Great Gatsby” is the number one selling paperback book this week in the San Francisco Bay Area. Wonder how many buyers were impressed by the speed with which they made a book out of the movie?

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Can’t imagine how lefties get a reputation for being weird. Tampa Bay pitcher Matt Moore’s safety solution: Baseballs would have sensors, and “if it comes close to the other sensor in the pitcher’s hat, the ball just blows up.”

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Good news for NBC, Seth Meyers is going to take over as ‘Late Night’ host. Bad news for NBC, there went one of the last reasons to watch SNL.

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Great Gatsby and Iron Man 3 are #2 and #1 at the box office this weekend respectively. Makes sense, the first is the choice to “take Mom to the movies” second is “take the kids and get out of here so Mom can have some peace.”

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#BarbaraWalters. 83, says she will retire next year. Responded Larry King “So young?”

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Former Detroit Lions wide receiver Titus Young has been arrested in California for the THIRD time in a week. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking “dude is out of control.”

(And somewhere Young is thinking, how do I get Lindsay’s lawyer?  Or judge?)

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How bad have the Angels & White Sox been in 2013?    Many fans were  actually disappointed that #ESPN’s Sunday night game isn’t #Yankees #RedSox

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So some in the GOP are talking impeachment, and Mike Huckabee is saying Benghazi is more serious that Watergate “because four Americans did in fact die. Okay, then what about those nonexistent WMDs? How many Americans have died from going into Iraq…?

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Mother’s Day and all that jazz.

Posted May 12, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Rough night for $NBA players. – #MothersDay Eve: so many potential baby mamas, so little time.

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Another Mother’s Day thought.  Anyone who thinks that they should have figured out a way to watch SNL with Mom Saturday night will soon be  off the hook.   Because Moms who are old enough to remember when SNL was consistently funny are getting too old to stay up that late.

 

Some think the Washington Nationals sacrificed a chance to win the World Series by shutting Stephen Strasburg down last year, but Nats management insisted they were thinking of the future. So far in 2013, Strasburg is 1-5, and just got shelled by the Cubs…. Carpe something.

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O.J. Simpson is trying to get out of jail by claiming he had such bad representation that his robbery conviction should be reversed and a new trial ordered. In other words “If my lawyers were sh*t, you must acquit.”

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The House just passed a bill that eliminates overtime pay for anyone working over 40 hours a week. While they’re at it, how about a bill to make Congress actually work 40 hours in a week?

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Regarding the story that the IRS was carefully scrutinizing groups with “tea party” and “patriot ” in their titles who were trying to get tax-exempt status: why are ANY political groups able to get tax-exempt status?

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Unclear on the concept: So apparently Lindsay Lohan wants out of the Betty Ford Center because they took away her Adderall.

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Another home run on a “pitcher’s pitch” today.  If there’s a book on how to pitch to Pablo Sandoval, presumably it’s in the fantasy section.

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Many Whole Foods customers in the Northeast were appalled to learn that the vegan chicken salad they had purchased actually contained real chicken. It’s the biggest shock most of them had had at Whole Foods since they got their last total bill at the register.

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From Marc Ragovin:   “I’m not saying that MLB umpire Fielding Culbreath — who was suspended for allowing an illegal pitching change — is unfamiliar with the game’s rules, but the other day he was heard singing “cause it’s one, two, three strikes take your base, at the old ball game.”

Comments: 1 Comment

A really not so big show?

Posted May 11, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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NBA playoffs on TNT. You know we’re talking major media outlet when the commercials are for CaliforniaPsychics.com “$1 a minute but the first question is free.

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This post is a joint effort with my friend Alex Kaseberg: Not saying the Los Angeles Dodgers are playing badly. But the team has started referring to Dodger Stadium as “the Friendly Confines.”

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In yesterday’s Astros-Angels game, the umpires mistakenly allowed Houston to make a second pitching change before the original reliever threw a pitch. (This is illegal starting in Little League.) So after the missed home run call Wednesday, we’ve now had blind, and dumb. Waiting to see what they’ll do for deaf.

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If it’s not one thing, it’s another. New Rutgers men’s basketball coach Eddie Jordan said he was a 1977 graduate from the university. But apparently while Jordan attended Rutgers, he never received a degree. So maybe this makes Eddie a perfect fit for today’s players.–
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1 in 8 Americans over the age of 60 says their memory is getting worse, which could be a sign of a Alzheimer’s problem. On the other hand as most parents who remind teenagers of various things will confirm ….memory loss begins at puberty.
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“Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham says that despite selling her sex tape for $1 million, she’s “not that sexually active.” Glad she cleared that up. Her parents must be so proud.
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Suri Cruise, 7, has apparently signed (?!) a contract to launch a fashion line for young girls. The first “Suri” collection will be available this fall in New York. Well, at least Suri’s older than the kids who will be making the clothes.
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An American Heart Association study found that owning a pet and found that owning a pet is “probably associated” with a lower risk of heart disease. This may be because of the companionship, or in the case of cats, because they teach people how to relax and not give a sh*t.
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Roy Halladay today apologized to Philly fans for his performance before going on the DL, “….and my heart goes out to all of the people who spend all of their money and go out to the games and don’t get to see what they want to see.” Down in Los Angeles, Angels and Dodgers fans are waiting for apologies from their whole teams.
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MLB has suspended umpire Fieldin Culbreth for two games. Culbreth is the crew chief who didn’t know on Thursday that a relief pitcher has to face one batter before being replaced. Presumably two days off is enough time to read the rule book?
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 On the players’ side, Cincinnati Reds minor league pitcher Daniel Tuttle has been suspended for 100 games for a THIRD violation baseball’s drug program. Getting caught three times?! At this point that’s being suspended for stupidity as much as drugs.
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One of the “fastest rising” baby names for boys in the U.S. is “Messiah.” If the trend continues, how many Jewish moms will name their son “Doctor?”
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Hooters is giving free meals to moms on Mother’s Day. Only thing worse than taking your mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day?   Going to Hooters on Mother’s Day and seeing mom at work.

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Almost idle?

Posted May 9, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Well, at least one #AmericanIdol judge isn’t being fired after this season. Randy Jackson has announced he is quitting.

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It will be an interesting American Idol finale. But how many people would would vote to keep Angie – the woman voted off tonight  -as a judge next week, and send Nicki Minaj home?

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For teams with taxpayer-funded stadiums, Senator John McCain has a bill that wants to eliminate NFL TV blackouts for games that aren’t sold out. Every once in a while McCain reminds me why I used to like him.

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“Arya” was the fastest rising baby name for girls in 2012, thanks to the popularity of “Game of Thrones.” And 40-50 years from now women will curse their parents because everyone will know exactly how old they are.

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After watching last night’s Golden State-San Antonio game even the #Lakers said the #Spurs looked old.

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Detroit DT Nick Fairley says that in 2013 the Lions are going to the Super Bowl. Even Cubs fans think he’s delusional.

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Maxim’s hot-100 list for 2013 includes at #69 – Lennay Kekua – Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend. Well, I guess having a fake girlfriend means never having to say “Yes, dear.”

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San Francisco is getting its first Applebee’s. Down on Fisherman’s Wharf near Bubba Gump’s and Rainforest Cafe. So even more tourists can go home and say the food out here is “nothing special.”

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In a poll of the 100 most-trusted Americans, Jimmy Carter, 88, is the highest on the list at #24.   Maybe because of the good works he has done since leaving the Presidency. Or maybe because most people think he’s too old to remember how to lie.

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No one should feel sorry for a team that has won 2 World Series titles in 3 years. But as the SF Giants’ Ryan Vogelsong saw his ERA go up tonight to 7.78, the starting pitcher they traded to “rent” Carlos Beltran in 2011, Zach Wheeler, is close to a call up with the NY Mets. (This post is for my otherwise unhappy Dodger fan friends, enjoy. :-))

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We’re only at most, halfway through the second round of the NBA playoffs, and ZERO games Thursday night. Guess the league doesn’t want to do anything that would provide fans anything less than a two month postseason.

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Ah justice. An Arizona court will delay the decision on whether or not convicted killer Jodi Arias should be put to death because she is currently on “suicide watch.”

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Not PC, but the more we hear about the Cleveland rape-kidnap suspect, the more I think, is there any more room in that grave they found for the Boston bomber? And no need to kill him first.

(Of course, while we’re being un-PC, and on the subject of his potential “suicide watch,”  my sense is regarding this monster is that a lot of Americans would pay to watch..)

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From TC  “According to Forbes.com, Tim Tebow is the most influential athlete on sports fans for 2013. He beat out the likes of swimmer Michael Phelps and Yankees Derek Jeter. Obviously, no coaches, GMs or owners have ever visited Forbes.com”

 

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Down so low.

Posted May 9, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

 

What’s going on in LA with the #Dodgers & #Angels? #Clippers & #Lakers saying “We didn’t look that bad until we made it to the playoffs.”.

 

Pau Gasol will be the latest Laker to have surgery, with an operation on his knees scheduled for tomorrow. This Los Angeles team is increasingly becoming an expensive burden on Medicare.

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The government has apparently made a deal with former Enron CEO Jeff Skilling to cut his sentence down to 10 years from 17 1/2, in exchange for Skilling dropping his expensive appeals and making $40 million restitution. More of the Golden Rule at work, if you have gold, you can bend the rules.

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Good news that Blue Jays pitcher J.A.Happ has been released from the hospital after taking a wicked line drive off the head last night. Here’s hoping Happ is back on the mound soon, ideally against the Angels. They’re not hitting the ball hard enough to hurt anybody.

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Just how much do they hate Democrats in Mark Sanford’s congressional district? Mark Sanford’s election brings to mind the 1991 gubernatorial race in Louisiana. Where Edwin Edwards, dogged his whole career by corruption allegations, and eventually incarcerated, ran again neo-Nazi David Duke. And won. The bumper sticker at the time “Vote for the Crook, It’s Important.”

(my friend Michael Powers asks – who has done more for the institution of marriage, Mark Sanford or David Vitter?)

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And yet MORE   “stuff” you couldn’t make up: Tim Lambesis, the lead singer of the Christian Grammy-nominated metal band “As I Lay Dying” has been arrested for allegedly trying to hire a hitman to kill his estranged wife. Over-under on how long it takes for the made-for-TV movie?

 

 

The SF Giants’ Barry Zito has 4 hits in 12 at bats in 2013, including 2 RBI’s,  plus 5 sac bunts.   A pinch hitter is born?

 

Levi Strauss & Co will be the company to put its name on the SF #49ers stadium in Santa Clara. Guess the price of jeans is going up.

And let the puns begin.

So will #SF49ers new #Levi Stadium address be 501 Bill Walsh Drive?

Presumably season ticket holders will have to wash their seats a  few times to feel truly comfortable….

(more to follow, and readers’ ideas encouraged.)

 

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All these conservatives screaming over Benghazi. Would be easier to take if any of them acted like they gave a damn about Christopher Stevens and our embassies before it happened.

 

More “stuff” you can’t make up…. Oliver North on FOX News talking about Benghazi and claiming the Obama administration “falsified talking points provided to people who were going to speak publicly about it…”

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How can we miss you if you won’t stay away?

Posted May 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

So now that Mark Sanford has somehow been returned to Congress, how long until he makes his first “family values” speech?

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Another question about South Carolina’s newly re-elected Congressman: Given his his impeachment vote after Bill Clinton lied about HIS affair, how long until Mark Sanford votes to impeach himself?

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Sanford said Tuesday before the polls closed that the election was “in the Lord’s hands.” Right, God made him cheat and then put him on the path to redemption so he can go back to Washington and do things like defend traditional marriage.

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Chris Christie’s office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight, has undergone a “Lap-Band” procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to congratulate him Christie had to explain, “Uh Mr. President, that’s BAND, not DANCE.”

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Clarence Thomas said that Barack Obama was “approved by the elites.” Definition of elite – “A group of people considered to be the best in a particular society or category, esp. because of their power, talent, or wealth.” Well, that lets Thomas out.

 

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Turkish Airlines has banned female flight attendants from wearing red lipstick and nail polish. Wonder if anyone thought to extend the ban to male flight attendants?

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Alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes has decided to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. It would have been bigger news if his lawyers had tried to say he was sane.

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A 16 point lead with 4 minutes to play, and Golden State still lost to the San Antonio Spurs in double OT. That fall to earth was so fast maybe they should be renamed the Golden State Meteors.

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Linebacker Matthew Thomas wants Florida State to release him from his scholarship, because “I “didn’t make the decision I really wanted to on signing day.” Thomas now prefers Georgia or USC, saying “I just want to go have fun and play football.” Well, at least he’s not pretending it’s about an education..

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#TitusYoung, waived by the Detroit Lions in Feb, was arrested twice Sunday. Who knew Young wanted that badly to be picked up by the Bengals?

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Just with the barest details emerging about the alleged monsters who kept the three girls imprisoned for over a decade, one question comes to mind: Where’s a pressure cooker bomb when you need one?

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Bill Clinton today called speculation over whether Hillary would run for president in 2016 “the worst expenditure of our time.” Thinking to himself no doubt, “enough about her, let’s talk about me.”

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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson is now saying he’s “extremely happy” to have much-maligned QB Geno Smith. Well, he may have a point. If Smith is as big of a jerk as some rumors indicate, it might make Jets fans start seeing the bright side of Mark Sanchez.

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From  Bill Littlejohn: 

University of Texas pitcher Cory Knebel tried to help an anonymous teammate out with his team-mandated drug test by giving him his urine sample, but the results came back positive for Adderall.  Talk about a blown save.
 
 

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Class, nothing but class.

Posted May 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Chris Christie squished a spider in front of a group of 4th graders, saying “That’s one of the fun parts of being governor. Any bugs on your desk, you’re allowed to kill them and not get in trouble.” Except that the NJ Gov. is taking heat from PETA about it. Wonder how much bipartisan support Christie would get for squishing someone from PETA?

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Class, nothing but class. Reality TV star (if that’s not an oxymoron) Farrah Abraham tweeted that she was “not watching” her”Backdoor Teen Mom” sex tape. Wonder how long it will take before Abraham’s now three-year old daughter sees it….

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Lead Pastor David Loveless has resigned from the 4,000 member Discovery Church in Orlando, after admitting he had an affair. The Orlando Sentinel says he is the third pastor of a major area church to resign because of extra-marital sex in the last six months. Your move, Arizona.

(And as my friend Todd Harris adds, “Let me guess, they all think same sex marriage threatens the institution.”)

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Pfizer will start selling #Viagra online. So where’s the GOP conservative outrage over unmarried men possibly getting the little blue pills?  (And minor girls getting them for their older “friends”?)

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NRA V.P. Wayne LaPierre just said “How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?” And how many Bostonians who just had the misfortune to have been photographed carrying backpacks would have been shot?

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Fired Brooklyn Nets P.J. Carlesimo says it would have taken the team winning a championship to keep his job. “Get in line” responded every fired Cubs manager over the last century..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.

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A-Rod started his rehabilitation stint and says he hopes to be back in pinstripes after the All-Star break. And Yankees fans are thinking, “No worries, take all the years you need.”

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Celeste Grieg, who said in March that rapes rarely result in pregnancy, because the woman’s “body is traumatized”, was ousted, 84 to 78, as the leader of the Californian Republican Assembly. Not sure if this is a good sign that even a very conservative group has some limits, or a bad sign that 78 of them still support her.

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Helen Mirren, playing Elizabeth II in “The Audience” in London, left the theater in her Queen costume and makeup during intermission to yell at a group of street drummers. The troup was playing so loudly it was distracting theater goers inside.

Maybe we can get Dame Helen to come over and try this Queen act on theater cellphone users?

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Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.

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DE Armonty Bryant, arrested last October for selling $20 worth of marijuana to an undercover officer. thanked the Cleveland Browns for drafting him last week and said he would not let them down. Last night Bryant was arrested for DUI. Maybe that vow should have been a little more specific.

Comments: 2 Comments

Sweeping into Monday

Posted May 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.

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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….

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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.

((for the uninitiated, the SF Giants’ “Panda” will swing at anything, and can hit anything. Even if it just about bounces. Better it seems at balls out of the strike zone than strikes.)

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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?

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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.

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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.

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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.

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Giant drama.

Posted May 5, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Another walk off win for the SF Giants. 10-9 in ten. Salvaging a night where a possible “MLB The Show” curse caught up with Buster Posey – he hit into a bottom of the ninth inning-ending double play.

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Rough week to be a sports fan in Los Angeles. The Dodgers’ Hanley Ramirez, back on the DL, was on the active roster for less time than the Lakers and Clippers lasted in the playoffs.

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CB Cliff Harris was cut by the NY Jets after he was arrested for marijuana possession. This is the same Harris who was pulled over for driving 118 MPH in 2011 while playing for Oregon, asked “Who’s got the marijuana in the car?” a-nd responded “we smoked it all.” So does 2 + years now count as short-term memory loss?

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Kentucky Derby winning purse – $1,439,800. And the winner himself just gets chicken feed, or rather, horse feed.

(Augie does point out that the winner is probably at least happy with the stud opportunities.)

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Previously unbeaten Kentucky Derby favorite Verrazano, whose owner is from New Jersey,  ended up 14th in the race.   If he doesn’t perform better next race, he’s been threatened with retirement to Jersey.

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At an NRA convention, Sarah Palin spoke of Maggie Thatcher as “her hero.” Even though Thatcher refused to meet with Palin, and as Prime Minister supported gun control — overseeing a bill passed in 1988 outlawing semi-automatic guns. If Baroness Thatcher wasn’t dead, this might have killed her.

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A 35-year-old Arizona grandmother is being held and charged in the death of her 3-year-old grandson, who allegedly shot himself in the face with her handgun. Which she had left in her backpack with her meth pipe. Your move, Florida.

“The Great Gatsby” remake is opening, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan reprising the roles played in 1974 by Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Wonder how many people will think, “Great story, will there be a novelized version?”

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A bat that Mickey Mantle used in 1964 will be up for auction. And as confirmed by x-ray, the bat is corked. Once again, can we just put an asterisk on the banner outside the Hall of Fame and be done with it?

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New NRA president Jim Porter has called Barack Obama a “fake president,” referred to the Civil War as “the War of Northern Aggression,” and said that we should train all civilians to use standard military firearms to fight tyranny. Thus perhaps trying to prove the NRA’s stance that the US has a mental health problem not a gun problem.

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TC says  “a  small group of protesters want the NFL to change the name of the Washington Redskins. The league is considering “The District of Columbia Redskins” to appease descendants of the first President.”

 

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Finally a serious note.  43 years ago.  May 4, 1970.  Kent State   The students who were killed would be grandparents by now:  http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/kent_slayings.html

 

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LA LA land.

Posted May 4, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Apparently tickets for Friday night’s opening  of the Rolling Stones tour at Staples Center were still available as of the day of the show.. Guess folks in Los Angeles heard the title “50 & Counting” and figured it was a Los Angeles Lakers’ exhibition game.

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But in the end, what was the difference between this year’s Lakers and Clippers?  About a week.

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In England, they are considering a plan to allow private firms to bid on probation contracts, and then only paying those firms if the offenders do not commit further crimes. Perhaps they could try out this scheme on Lindsay Lohan?

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Not to complain, really, but has someone told the SF Giants that it is possible to win a game without coming from behind?

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NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson told a reporter that he hasn’t considered firing managerTerry Collins. Maybe thinking, “If I have to stay and watch this crappy season, so does he.”

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Hillary Clinton has said she just wants to relax for a while and stay home. But Nancy Pelosi said “I pray that Hillary decides to run for president of the United States.” And Bill is thinking “From your lips to God’s ear… and of course she should start on the campaign trail asap….”

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–Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino has an ownership stake in Kentucky Derby entrant Goldencents. Actually, since the Derby is only for 3 year olds, it has a lot in common with NCAA basketball – one year and you’re done.

(my friend Michael Duca says perhaps the Kentucky Derby has more in common with the NBA – work a little, then stand at stud.)

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–Stories are coming out that Geno Smith, the NY Jets new potential backup QB, may be a “pampered, spoiled brat” in one scout’s words, with a “diva attitude” that caused at least one team to pass on him. And somewhere Tim Tebow is asking himself “is calling this divine retribution a sin?

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The Mailman, delivering again. Quote from Karl Malone on Jason Collins “I’m proud of the young man. Isn’t it time we stopped wasting so much time on what a person prefers?”

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Microsoft has announced that Hotmail is dead. And most people are thinking “Didn’t that happen about 10 years ago?”

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And you think your mom did you wrong with your baseball cards and comic books — Kobe Bryant has filed a lawsuit to try to keep his mother from auctioning off his high school and early Lakers days mementos – items she said he told her he didn’t want any more, but which are worth a reported $1.5 million.

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Mark Sanchez says “no doubt” he expects to be the NYJets’ starting QB next season. Great news. For the rest of the AFC East.

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Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said he would consider moving the team if Wrigley renovation plans fall through. Yesterday, the independent league Schaumburg Boomers, who play in a Chicago suburb, offered to share their 7,536 seat park with the Cubs, on the condition that the Boomers got 1st priority on dates as they are “committed to winning a championship in 2013.”

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Bangladesh’s Finance Minister Abul Maal Abdul Muhith said after the recent factory collapse that killed at least 500, that the disaster would not harm the country’s garment industry “”The present difficulties … well, I don’t think it is really serious… These are individual cases of… accidents. It happens everywhere.” So is this an NRA joke or a Dottie Sandusky joke?

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New York State of Mindlessness?

Posted May 2, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

NY Knicks coach Mike Woodson said he didn’t know in advance and was “upset” that his team wore all black before game 5 of their series with the Celtics.  Apparently Kenyon Martin wanted to mimic a funeral for Boston. Leaving the incredible tackiness aside, the way the Knicks are playing, it might be their own funeral.

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Are the Knicks really TRYING to be more embarassing than the Mets?

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Reese Witherspoon in her apology interview. ” “I have no idea what I was saying that night. I saw him arresting my husband and I literally panicked…I told him I was pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things… We went out to dinner in Atlanta and we had one too many glasses of wine.” All I can say is that one glass must have been at least a schooner.

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Amanda Bynes told a reporter she has “no clue ” why people say she’s insane. Honey, even Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re insane.

 

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Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she just apparently blew off her rehab sentence.  Gosh, at this point expect the court to throw the book at her with a really really stern warning.

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Facebook said that on average 665 million people are using the site every day. Wow. That’s about a billion cat pictures.

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First-time claims for unemployment benefits fell to their lowest level in five years last week. I blame Obama.

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Well, at least he’s honest. Will that get him kicked out of the party? Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) said that some in the GOP opposed expanding gun background checks recently because they didn’t want to “be seen helping the president.”

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Dick Hayhurst, a former pitcher who now works as a broadcast analyst for the Toronto Blue Jays said today that Boston Red Sox pitcher Clay Buchholz was “absolutely” cheating by putting a foreign substance on the ball Wednesday.

Brings to mind Gaylord Perry’s comment when asked if HE put a foreign substance on baseballs – “Nope, Vaseline is made right here in the USA.”

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A new poll said 4 out of 5 Americans do not think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Although 5 out of 5 Redskins fans think the team should change their owner.

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