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Races, great and otherwise.

May 22, 2011

 

Another reason to love horse racing. Animal Kingdom barely lost in his bid to win the Preakness, the second race in the Triple Crown. And so far he hasn’t blamed his trainer, his jockey, the track, the starting gate…..

In fact, (bad pun alert), Animal Kingdom didn’t even claim his mother was a nag.

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Herman Cain today entered the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I think I speak for most Americans when I say “Who?”

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Meanwhile, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels just announced he is NOT running for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. Apparently based on his competition, Daniels decided he did not have quite the combination of hubris and insanity required to run.

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The first in a series?  You know you’re really a fan of the 2011 Giants when…

When someone tells you Tim Lincecum threw a three-hitter today, and your first response is “Did he win?”

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Aflac has now announced an agreement to sponsor the Heisman trophy. Wonder if the company will offer free supplemental salary insurance for each year’s winners when they wash out in the NFL.

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NFL players, who are already suing league for alleged antitrust violations, have again urged the appeals court to lift the lockout, and likened the league to a “cartel.” This prompted a response for an immediate apology. From OPEC.

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The UConn men’s basketball program is losing two scholarships for the upcoming season as a result of a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. Apparently for starters, most of the team couldn’t spell “Academic Performance Rating.”

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Meanwhile, It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

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Although had the world ended Saturday, Cubs fans all over would have been going “We could have been contenders.”

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Sad but true from TC in Canada:   A good number of Canucks fans made the trek to SJ HP Pavillion for game 3 of the Western final. All were advised to purchase the new “LA Dodger Fan Encounter” Insurance available for trips to Calif.

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The end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine….

May 21, 2011

It’s officially Rapture day in most of the U.S. and we’re still alive. (If the world has come to an end by sunrise, please disregard this post.)

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Nationals 17 – Orioles 5. Really, 17?! Redskins fans are jealous.

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Good news for San Jose hockey fans tonight. To paraphrase Woody Allen, what we no longer appear to have here are dead Sharks.

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The companies behind “The Governator”, an animated series starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a superhero, said the project is officially on hold. What’s next, an adult cartoon called “The Impregnator”?

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Schwarzenegger’s potential future public service announcement?  “It’s 10pm, do you know how many children you have?”

Air Tahiti Nui is offering a “kids fly free” promotion where a one child can get a free ticket when accompanied by a paying adult.  What a great opportunity for Hugh Hefner to save money on his honeymoon.

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Now former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been released from jail on 1 million dollars bail with 24-hour home confinement at a Manhattan apartment in an undisclosed location. Am guessing that apartment doesn’t have maid service.

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Ashton Kutcher may have won a role in CBS’s “Two and a half men.” But ESPN is thinking about making a short documentary with the same title – about the Lakers in the second round of the playoffs.

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Charlie Weis apparently received over a $6 million severance bonus, and is still being paid by Notre Dame through 2015. Is his middle name “JaMarcus?”

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The Cubs played at Fenway Park Friday for the first time in 93 years. How long ago was that? Why, Jamie Moyer was just a batboy.

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Kareem Adbul-Jabbar is annoyed that the Lakers don’t have a statue of him in front of Staples Center.  Some Lakers fans would say that if Kareem wants to see a statue, he should look at himself the last couple years allegedly playing defense.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “There is a new posthumous Osama bin Laden video. Osama needs another video like he needs a hole in the head.”

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And Augie and Keith point out that Track, Sarah Palin’s oldest, if he believed in the Rapture, would want to get laid, then married.  Not that I expect one of Sarah’s children to quote poetry, but yes, kind of does put a new spin on that “If we had but world enough and time, this coyness lady were no crime” line from Andrew Marvell..

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Rapture day?

May 20, 2011

 

Sarah Palin’s oldest son was married on Saturday.  Wonder when the baby is due?

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Although not accusing Track Palin of believing that “end of the world” stuff. On the other hand, if you did believe in the rapture, wouldn’t you as a young man want to get married and get laid first?

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If the world really does end today at least Cubs fans will die with this year’s illusions intact.

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Reviewers say the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie is ultimately a boring two hours where in the end nothing interesting really happens. And this is different from the first three movies how?

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Donald Trump just backed out of a commitment to be the scheduled keynote speaker at major Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa next month, infuriating the head of the state party. What was he thinking quitting like that? Maybe the Donald’s real goal is to run for vice president.

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The Miami Heat television play-by-play announcer was interviewed on KNBR Thursday  morning talking about the team. And he said people just don’t realize how much these stars “sacrificed” to play together, in terms of how many millions they could have gotten in contracts from other teams. Great, does that mean any potential championship parade will also include a fundraiser for these poor guys?

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Meghan McCain came to her father’s defense this week saying “Rick Santorum lecturing my father about torture is like JWOWW lecturing Malcom Gladwell about writing.” Calls came for an immediate apology, from Jersey Shore.

A woman was kicked off an Amtrak train after she allegedly talked for 16 hours on her cellphone from California to Portland. Once cellphones are allowed on flights, will the emergency exit be available for that purpose?

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“What were they thinking?” award of the week to United Airlines, for reinstating flight numbers 93 (which passengers helped bring down in Pennsylvania), and 175  (which crashed into the World Trade Center)  United has now apologized and said this was a mistake. The airline has changed the flight numbers and said it won’t happen again. It’s this kind of attention to detail that has made the airline industry so profitable over the years.

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Yes, he said it. Newt Gingrich, now complaining about the use of his interview on “Meet the Press” said “Any ad which quotes what I said Sunday is a falsehood because I have said publicly, those words were inaccurate and unfortunate.” (Hmm, wonder if Arnold took his wedding vows on a Sunday.)

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Oh baby.

May 18, 2011

 Pakistan’s leaders are still facing allegations that they had to know about Bin Laden’s presence, which they deny. Their rejoinder today? “Hey, no one in your goverment and or even your media knew about Schwarzenegger’s ‘love child.'”

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It turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest sons – by different women – were born days apart – September 28 and October 2, 1997. You know, some men keep busy in January by watching football and maybe skiiing.

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But come on folks, everyone can’t believe why Arnold went to his relatively plain looking housekeeper for sex when he was a big celebrity married to a beautiful woman. In the words of Maureen Dowd when the Clinton-Monica story broke – “Men are lazy, they go for the closest doughnut on the plate.”

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Some say the reason there is no male birth control pill is that it’s too expensive.  Although as Arnold can no doubt tell  us, so is the alternative…

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The happiest people in Los Angeles right now about Schwarzenegger’s love-child? The Lakers and Frank McCourt. At least temporarily they’re not the most embarrassing stories in town.

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And somewhere, Tiger Woods is thinking, it could be worse….

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From my friend Ben Pesta,  who said his friend Laurie Werner, of New York, wrote: “On June 10th, it’s ‘Jorge Posada figurine night’ at the Stadium. Guess he has to stay in the lineup until then.” I answered that they should put the figurine in the lineup; it’s hitting better ….”

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Speaking of which, the Giants’ Mark DeRosa is on the DL. Which means for the next two weeks he’ll get as many hits as he got the last two weeks.

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More cheers than boos when Cody Ross hit a 3-run home run in the top of the ninth at Dodger Stadium. Of course, it’s the ninth inning, there are more Giants fans left than Dodgers fans.

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Minnesota Timberwolves president David Kahn, who commented about the NBA lottery being fixed, now says he was joking and it was “simply fate” that the Cavaliers got the first pick. He made this statement after commissioner David Stern said if he didn’t take it back, the league would make sure the Timberwolves NEVER got a good pick.

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Possible knucklehead comment of the week in a crowded field -from Rick Santorum: John McCain “doesn’t understand how enhanced interrogation works.”

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On the other hand, count on Sir Charles (Charles Barkley) for a direct statement regarding gay athletes: “It bothers me when I hear these reporters and jocks get on TV and say: ‘Oh, no guy can come out in a team sport. These guys would go crazy.’ First of all, quit telling me what I think. I’d rather have a gay guy who can play than a straight guy who can’t play.”

(I’m thinking right about now Kobe Bryant might have gone for a whole bench of gay players instead of his teammates in round two.)

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If the world is really going to end on May 21, does that mean that no one should skip dessert on the 20th?

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The Father of Cali-foh-nee-yah?

May 18, 2011

A reminder that it’s always darkest before the dawn. Just think how many comedy writers were crying yesterday when Trump dropped out of the race because of all the lost material. Thank you Arnold.

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Could it be that Schwarzenegger was taking the idea about changing the “born in the U.S” rule for the Presidency seriously?    Was Arnold just trying to show he could be the Father of our Country?

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Or while Schwarzengger’s defense be that he was just trying to fit in with being a Kennedy?

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Well, now we know why Arnold wasn’t one of those Republicans who came out trying to cut off funding for Planned Parenthood.

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Donald and Arnold both are making headlines this week. Trump because he pulled out early, Schwarzenegger, oh come on, I don’t even need to finish this line….

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First Meg Whitman, now Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is it some sort of requirement for Republicans who want to be governor of California that you have to screw your maid?

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Over-under on how long it will take Gloria Allred to call a press conference with Arnold’s baby-mama?

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And poor  Donald Trump. He must have thought that his withdrawal from the Presidential race would at least dominate the political-late night news cycle for 24 hours….

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While Donald Trump has left the Presidential race, it’s not from lack of confidence. As he said “I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and, ultimately, the general election.” Even Cubs fans are saying “This guy is delusional.”

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Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan, who wants to change Medicare to an insurance subsidy, says he will not run for the U.S. Senate seat being vacated by retiring Democrat Herb Kohl. Ryan stated on his website that he “can have a bigger impact by remaining in his current position.” Translation, even he knows he doesn’t have a prayer of winning.

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Financial disclosures show Newt Gringrich and/or his latest wife at one point owed as much as a half million dollars to Tiffany’s. Hey, as Newt will no doubt tell us, all the results of that passionate patriotism could get expensive.

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Mitt Romney has a new campaign video, and it features actress-model Cindy Crawford. Wait, wasn’t Mitt supposed to be the substantive one?

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Reader Berney reports from British Columbia that there were so many rainouts in the U.S. today that Canadians were subjected to watching the Yankees.  Yeah, Berney, welcome to the American world.

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There is no joy in the Bronx…

May 17, 2011

World Series dreams are striking out.

Six losses in a row for the Yankees. Fortunately the team has about 75 shopping days left until the trade deadline.

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Sports Illustrated says that the Kansas City Royals have baseball’s best farm system. Except for the Yankees, who view all 29 other teams as their farm system.

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While the team from the Bronx is grabbing headlines for their discord and lousy play, the Mets are quietly having their own bad season. Today, lots of blown chances resulting in a 2-1 loss in 11 innings. At this point the team’s best marketing slogan might be “The Yankees, with cheaper tickets.”

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A story is making the rounds, and was even featured in the New York Times, about the Chicago Cubs possibly having thrown the 1918 World Series to the Boston Red Sox.  Well, if so, the Cubs players, who had won in 1908 and 1907 probably figured, what the heck, there’s always next year.

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An appellate court granted the NFL owners’ request to continue their lockout, saying it believed the league has proven it “likely will suffer some degree of irreparable harm without a stay.” “Irreparable harm?” Really, as in making a few less million when team values average $1.02 billion?

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While Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords is apparently finding it challenging to learn to speak again, her response to watching her husband’s shuttle lift off today was “Good stuff, good stuff.” So she is already more articulate than half the GOP field running for President.

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The Jeopardy answer, Giants fans, is May 3. The question is, when did San Francisco last score more than four runs in a game? (They scored 7. Against the Mets, so maybe that game should have an asterisk.)

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Donald Trump has announced he is not running for President. I guess he wants to spend more time with his hair.

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Actually Trump just discovered a major problem. He can’t tell Congress “You’re Fired.”

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First Mike Huckabee, now Donald Trump has taken himself out of the 2012 GOP Presidential race. Writers on the Colbert Report and the Daily Show have requested immediate raises, as their jobs just got much harder.

On the other hand, the comedy gods taketh away and the comedy gods giveth. Today a spokesman said Michele Bachman would likely now run for President in 2012.

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One thing standing in the way of Bachman’s announcement; ever mindful of the GOP primary calendar  she and her staff are looking for the perfect photo op, and they can’t figure out where the rock at which the Pilgrims landed is in Plymouth, New Hampshire.

(And yes, there IS a Plymouth, New Hampshire.)

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Uh, congrats, but where’s the hair?

May 16, 2011

The happy graduate is Troy Polamalu of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Who was drafted out of USC in 2003, but hadn’t graduated. He went back last semester and completed his degree. In history.

(And yes, that’s not a typo.  History.  That means reading real books, with small print. and probably lots of them.  But what DID he do with the hair??  If he cut it for real, instead of putting it in some sort of bun, does that mean he’s sure there won’t be a season anytime soon?  Hair doesn’t grow back THAT fast….)

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In the NHL playoffs, before you think all Canadian fans (as in fans of the Flames, Leafs, Canadiens etc) are rooting for the Canucks against the San Jose Sharks, consider this line from Bruce Arthur of the (Canada) National Post: The notion that all Canadian hockey fans should root for the last remaining member of the club, is like asking the relatives of gang members killed in a six-gang war to root for the last gang standing.”

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Song lyric of the weekend after Oklahoma City won game seven in their playoff series against Memphis, and Tampa Bay won game one against Boston:

“The Thunder Rolls, and the Lightnin’ Strikes….

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An American Airlines flight had to return to Phoenix today after reported light smoke in the cabin. Yeah, some of those pilots just can’t break the habit of having a cigarette when they drink.

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Jorge Posada apologized to New York fans, a day after he quit on the team, and against the Red Sox no less.  (Posada withdrew from the lineup when he was slotted ninth in the batting order.)

No word on whether Yankee fans and his teammates will forgive the quitting.  But Posada WAS named an honorary Los Angeles Laker.

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Murray Handwerker, son of Nathan, and the man who turned Nathan’s Famous hot dogs into a national name, died at the age of 89. Murray attributed his long life to never eating his own product.

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Despite Mike Huckabee’s withdrawal, the GOP presidential race still will have at least seven dwarfs. And no doubt we can count on the future nominee being snow white.

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Newt Gingrich says he should be judged by “what I can do for America now, rather than the past.” Which he doesn’t want to talk about. Then Newt introduced his campaign manager, Mark McGwire.

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Gingrich also said that he isn’t going to be the GOP’s vice presidential candidate. Guess Newt figures he’s no Sarah Palin, as the only thing he quits halfway through are his marriages.

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From Marc Ragovin:

Mike Huckabee said that his decison not to run for president was neither political nor financial, but rather spiritual.  As in he realized, he didn’t have a prayer of winning

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Games of the weak.

May 15, 2011

 Let’s see, who was on the the Fox MLB Game of the Week this Saturday?   And who’s on the ESPN Sunday Night Game of the Week?  Red Sox-Yankees. I am shocked, shocked….

The Giants’ Miguel Tejada, hitting just under .200, and about .150 with runners in scoring position,  had a bat fly out of his hands and land in the stands at Wrigley Field Saturday.  Pretty valuable souvenir.  As the bat was basically unused.

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Pete Rose still wants to get back into baseball. And said “I want to be a manager, that’s the only role.” In fact, he’s so sure he could get a team into the playoffs he’d offer any team who hires him double or nothing.

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Chad Billingsley of the Los Angeles Dodgers threw a one-hitter tonight, and lost. Okay, let’s be honest ,San Francisco Giants fans, the way the bats are going didn’t you think the first one to do that this year would be Madison Bumgarner or Matt Cain?

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The Tampa Bay Lightning beat the Boston Bruins in game one of the NHL Eastern Conference finals. If the Lightning end up in the Stanley Cup finals against the Vancouver Canucks, television stations in the U.S. may wish they were airing something more enticing to the average American viewer, like replays of Major League Soccer.

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Former NHL player and ESPN hockey analyst Matthew Barnaby spent the night in jail and pleaded not guilty Saturday to domestic violence charges stemming from an argument with his estranged wife. Many sports fans were shocked – ESPN has a hockey analyst?

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Great stat from SF Giants beat writer Henry Schulman: The Giants were the first MLB team EVER to sweep a homestand of six games or more without scoring four runs or more in any game.

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A North Carolina man was released from jail after a state lab discovered that an enzyme found in cheese had triggered false drug test results. Look for a whole new crop of professional athletes to appear in “Got Milk?” ads.

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Michael Vick has accepted an invitation from a group of five Philadelphia schools for “at-risk” youth to be their commencement speaker. Assume the Eagles quarterback won’t tell them that it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world out there.

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Newt Gingrich says Obama is a “food-stamp” president. Just wonder, if it were up to Newt with alimony, how many of his former wives would be on food stamps?

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You can’t make this up…

May 14, 2011

Once again, some realities top any potential punchline:

Ochocino,  tweeting about his prospective bull riding adventure:

“The real question is not how long I can last on the bull but how long the bull can last with me riding him or her.”

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And yes, baseball players are superstitious, and as such usually don’t like no-hitters or even streaks mentioned.  And maybe they have a point:

The San Francisco Chronicle mentioned today in a sidebar, that Giants’ relievers had not allowed a run in 22 innings.  So what happened at Wrigley Field today?  Three relievers combined to allow eight runs, in less than two innings.

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Not to say that a lot of fans who turn into the playoffs don’t pay regular attention to NBA basketball, but apparently some folks are eager to see the Heat-Bulls series because they want to see how Lebron James matches up with Michael Jordan.

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The Grizzlies rallied today to force game seven against the Oklahoma City Thunder. Memphis fans are thrilled, they haven’t had a professional team like this in town since John Calipari was coaching the Tigers.

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Fans in Seattle had mixed feelings watching tonight’s NBA playoff game, as their former Super Sonics,  now the Oklahoma City Thunder,almost advanced to the Western Conference finals.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if when the Super Sonics left, they had taken the Mariners with them.

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The Giants are in first place, so we shouldn’t complain. BUT….. Getting awfully tired of “-fill-in-name-of-journeyman-pitcher-with-high-ERA- struck out a season-high today against San Francisco.” stories. (Rick Dempsey?! Really?)

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Katie Couric’s last day as CBS news anchor will be May 19, about two weeks before her five year contract is over. “Just another liberal who didn’t know how to take the courageous road and quit halfway through” sniffed Sarah Palin.

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Meanwhile,  Meghan McCain let Glenn Beck have it for his nasty comments about her looks. My favorite line from her response  “I mean, if you’re too conservative and outrageous for Fox, that should tell you something. ” Maybe the GOP nominated the wrong McCain.

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Congressman Ron Paul of Texas Friday announced his third run for the Presidency. Paul says he’s “optimistic” about his chances and that his “supporters are enthusiastic.” Of course we hear the same thing every year from the manager of the Cubs.

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QB Tate Forcier, who left Michigan after he was declared academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, has changed his mind about transferring to Miami. Forcier now will not become a Hurricane because of what a source told the AP were “undisclosed personal matters.” Possible translation, did they expect him to go to class?

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From Marc Ragovin of New York   “An article in today’s paper said that a revamped Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark has reopened, although some glitches remain. I’ll say. In Act III Peter Parker gets shot in the eye by a Navy Seal.”

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Tacky time, again:

May 13, 2011

Tacky time: Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship today after nine holes. Hmm, had he only stopped after nine holes a few years ago, Tiger’s image and marriage might still be intact.

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About that “good pitching beating good hitting” and “good hitting beating good pitching “stuff: 

The San Francisco Giants scored 18 runs on their entire six game home stand. And won all six games against the Rockies and D’Backs. The San Diego Padres scored 19 runs in their last two games, and split one-one with the Brewers.

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Mitt Romney said in a USA Today editorial that his first act as President would be to get rid of ObamaCare. Actually the simplest way to do that would be to rename the program RomneyCare, because it’s so similar to what Mitt did in Massachusetts.

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Uh, regarding this whole Bin Laden death photos controversy: Does anyone really think the U.S. has the power to get Osama’s family (saying this was a “criminal act”), and Al Qaida (vowing revenge), into this conspiracy? Really, faking a moon landing would be easier.

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Former San Francisco Giant Kevin Frandsen was suspended 50 games for testing positive for a PED. But the drug was Ritalin. Considering that over 100 major leaguers have gotten an ADHD diagnosis to LEGALLY take Ritalin, this may have been less a suspension for performance enhancing than for stupidity.

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The Green Bay Packers say they will retire Brett Favre’s number 4 as soon as they are sure their former quarterback has retired. So expect the ceremony sometime around 2025.

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Is it a requirement to run for President as a Republican in 2012 that you have to have an complicated marital history? Apparently Mitch Daniel’s wife, Cheri, actually left her husband, and her four daughters ages 8 to 14, and married another man in California. She returned after a few years, and remarried Daniel’s in 1997.

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Meghan McCain filmed a skin cancer public service announcement in what she said was a “strapless juicy tube dress.” Although it appears as if she is naked. I think we can get bipartisan agreement on being glad that it was Meghan and not her father doing the ad.

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The top Republican on the Senate Armed Services Committees is insisting that enhanced interrogation techniques were not a factor in the discovery of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts….  Next let’s see GOP leaders try to discredit John McCain as a biased liberal.

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Shark attack – or attacked?

May 12, 2011

Not saying the San Jose Sharks may be on the verge of an epic collapse, going to a game seven against the Red Wings after leading 3 games to 0. But there has been talk of renaming HP Pavilion, aka “the Shark Tank,” to “The Friendly Confines.”

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In game seven the Sharks will try something different than games four through six:  trying not to skate with their hands wrapped around their own necks.

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Meanwhile in the NBA playoffs, the Miami Heat finished off the Boston Celtics.  Which for much of America meant the “team you now love to heat” beating a “team you’ve disliked for years.”

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Or political version of the above joke – the Heat-Celtics series had as much appeal for many Americans as say, a Trump-Gingrich debate would have for Democrats.  An interesting spectacle to be sure, but hard to really care about the winner.

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And in Oklahoma City, the Thunder took a  3-2 lead on the Memphis Grizzlies.  Fans in Oklahoma are starting to get into this hockey stuff.  Some of them have now even figured out the difference between a goal and a field goal.

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Whitney Houston, now in rehab, was apparently banned from Prince concerts after she repeatedly showed up and appeared to be ‘intoxicated.’ Whitney, did, however, receive an invitation from Charlie Sheen to become one of his goddesses.

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Sarah Ferguson told Oprah it was “difficult” to be snubbed and not to be invited to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Especially since she had already made a deal to sell some wedding family pictures.

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Donald Trump in a Rolling Stone interview said he washes his hair with “Head and Shoulders” shampoo. Interesting, I never knew “Head and Shoulders” was appropriate for washing small animals.

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Former Carolina Panthers tackle Brenston Buckner has a suggestion for Brett Favre – to mentor rookie quarterback Cam Newton before the season (theoretically) opens in September. Only one problem, it would probably take Favre at least until November to decide when and where he and Cam should meet.

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The San Francisco Giants have won five games in a row, but four by only one run. Good thing this isn’t volleyball or tennis.

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Apparently Osama bin Laden’s relatives are not convinced and want proof he is dead. The statement was released on behalf of the family by Omar aka “The Donald” bin Laden.

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A USA Today story says that aviation experts have no explanation for the recent ‘outbreak of insanity’ with unruly passengers on board planes. Uh, have any of these experts been crammed in the back of coach on a full plane with no food and screaming babies lately? Enough to drive even some previously sane people crazy.

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Bud Selig, on top of things as usual: He appointed former Padres president Dick Freeman to assist new Dodgers trustee Tom Schieffer. Then MLB rescinded the appointment hours later. Apparently Freeman advised Frank McCourt’s ex-wife Jamie last year, during her divorce proceedings against Dodgers owner Frank McCourt.

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A Hasidic newspaper is being justifiably criticized for photoshopping a War Room photo. So it appeared as if Hillary Clinton didn’t exist. Just like President Bill Clinton acted whenever he met a new woman.

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Gary Morton’s comment about Tiger Woods’ fall from the top rankings – “I thought Tiger retired to stud at 34.”

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Moving on.

May 11, 2011

 Ohio congressman Dennis Kucinch may lose his seat due to redistricting. And he says he may move to another state and run for Congress there. Why limit himself to other states? In fact, Dennis may be a better fit for Congress on another planet.

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The San Jose Sharks, formerly up 3-0, are now going to game 7 against the  Red Wings. And in Detroit they’re playing “Don’t stop believing.” In Northern California, San Franciscans are saying “Hey, we patented that ‘torture’ line.”

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The Sharks still have home ice for Thursday, but they are on the verge of being only the seventh NHL team ever to lose a playoff series when up 3-0. What are they trying to do, knock the Lakers off the front page?

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Lufthansa is flying their new Airbus 380 from Frankfurt to San Francisco.  The double decker plane holds 526 people.  But your chances of being next to the one hysterically crying baby on board are still better than you think.

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Chad Ochocinco is now going to try professional bull riding. Well, if there’s anyone who knows bull, it’s Ochocinco.

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Good news for Washington Wizards fans – the team is changing to a classic looking red white and blue new uniform. Bad news for Wizards fans – the new uniforms will have the same old players in them.

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The Lakers’ Andrew Bynum apologized for his flagrant foul on Mavericks’ guard J.J. Barea Sunday, saying “it looks bad” and it doesn’t “represent me.” Bynum also added “This doesn’t represent my upbringing.”

Translation, somebody got a call from his mother.

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Amazing NBA basketball these past few days. On Monday, the Celtics and the Heat played overtime plus four quarters, the Thunder and Grizzlies played three overtime plus four quarters, and on Sunday, the Lakers  played about one quarter.

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “May is National Zombie Awareness Month, and the Lakers certainly did their part on Sunday.”

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So now the Lakers are looking for a new coach. Have they considered Arnold Schwarzengger? He may have a lot of time on his hands now, and besides, he has experience as a Kindergarten Cop.

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Regarding the Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver split: Surprised he didn’t announce it on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

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What’s behind the Maria Shriver-Arnold Schwarzengger split? Apparently Maria agreed to “for better or worse,” but she drew the line at a potential remake of “Jingle All the Way.”

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Rush Limbaugh is now calling torture “enhanced interrogation.” Of course, many Americans would call torture “being stuck in a car where the only radio station that works features Rush Limbaugh.”

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In the latest poll of Republicans, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney are at the top of the GOP race with 19% and 18% respectively. Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin are next at 13% and 12%, followed by Donald Trump and Ron Paul at 8%, Michele Bachmann at 7%, and Tim Pawlenty at 5%. Unfortunately for most thinking Republicans “None of these clowns” wasn’t an option.

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Lindsay Lohan may plead “no contest” to stealing that necklace. But even though she was on probation at the time, the actress is likely to serve no more than two weeks, which could simply be home confinement. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ special celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really, really warning you” policy.

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Bristol Palin admits she had facial surgery and says that she “yes, it improved the way I look,” but insists it was “corrective,” and not cosmetic plastic surgery. Because she wouldn’t just do plastic surgery.  Right.  Like some rich girls used to need “deviated septum” nose surgery.

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It’s Tuesday morning….

May 10, 2011

And Generalissimo Francisco Franco, Osama bin Laden and the Lakers are still dead.

Meanwhile it looks like Phil Jackson has decided it’s time to quit.  About three quarters after his team did.

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from Gary Morton.  “Another Lakers’ excuse  – Jason Kidd is genetically predisposed with a shooter’s touch. Also an excellent shooter, his younger brother, Billy The.”

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Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have separated. Wonder if Arnold decided that besides that foreign-birth issue, he hadn’t had enough wives to be a serious GOP candidate for President.

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The moving van series:  Oklahoma City Thunder against the Memphis Grizzlies. Just think, had both teams not moved this would have been the I-5 border crossing series between the Seattle Super Sonics and the Vancouver Grizzlies.

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The Thunder-Grizzlies game four went to triple overtime, making it a real exhibition of two teams playing with heart. Said the Lakers  ‘ What’s heart?”

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At least the Canucks won their second round in the playoffs, so Vancouver fans can’t blame it on something in the water, eh.

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Archarcharch, who fractured a bone in his leg in the Kentucky Derby, will retire to stud at the age of three.  Talk about a pension plan.

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South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Which could mean someday that cellphone batteries could be charged simply by yelling at the phone. As if we don’t have enough people doing that in stores, restaurants and other public places already.

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Tiger Woods has now been dropped to the eighth ranked golfer in the world, following Paul Casey. This came as a shock to all serious golf fans – Tiger is still in the top ten?  (My friend Steve Moyer queries – “Tiger still plays golf?”)

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Can anyone imagine a U.S Airline doing this? Emirates Airlines issued this statement “In line with the recent decrease in fuel prices, Emirates has removed the fuel surcharge on all tickets. We promised our customers from the outset that we would eliminate the surcharge as soon as it was commercially viable, and this has now been done. We continue to closely monitor the situation.”

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So after signing a book deal, and apparently having plastic surgery, Bristol Palin will now star in a new reality show when she and her son Trippi move in with fellow DWTS star Kyle Massey and his brother. Yes, just another chapter in Bristol’s ongoing campaign to show young women how pre-marital sex will ruin their lives.

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Congratulations to all those who had “one week” in the pool. Some right-wing bloggers came out Monday with a story it if were up to the President, Osama Bin Laden would still be alive. Because Obama really didn’t authorize the raid on Bin Laden’s headquarters and that it was really a coup by Hillary Clinton, Robert Gates and Leon Panetta…..  Sigh.

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Lakers jokes, and other realities

May 9, 2011

Actually comedy writers are in a quandry. I mean, as far as a Lakers’ joke, how can you top Game 4?

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Some pundits said the Lakers’ performance could be excused by their age. Which would make sense if Jason Kidd weren’t about 110.

Seriously, if the Mavericks keep this up, Kidd may be the first player to get a ring while being a card-carrying AARP member.

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The Lakers just kept looking worse and worse. Last team that looked this bad on a Sunday were Osama’s bodyguards.

Add several million Southern Californians to the list of Americans whose rooting interest in the NBA playoffs is now “Anyone but the Heat.”

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Silver lining for the Sharks. Although everyone expected them to close out the series in game five, thanks to the Lakers, San Jose wasn’t even close to the most embarrassing sports story today in California.

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Who’d a thunk it quote of the week from Kobe Bryant: “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win this series.” Maybe he should have said “Call me crazy, but I still think we can win game four.”

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And who’d a thunk it, part two. The Lakers temporarily pushed Frank McCourt out of the #1 subject spot on Los Angeles sports talk radio.

Silver lining for the Lakers on Mother’s Day – the players will now have plenty of time to spend with all the mothers of their children.

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President Obama was on “60 Minutes.”. Which is about as long as any Republican was willing to avoid criticizing Barack after the U.S. got Bin Laden.

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According to National Security Advser Tom Donilon, President Obama gave the go-ahead for U.S. forces to raid a Pakistan compound based on “what was probably a 50-50 case that Osama bin Laden was there.” Well, those were probably much better odds than anyone gave a young black man with the middle name of Hussein to win the presidency.

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President Obama said tonight on “60 minutes” that the mission to get Bin Laden was a closely held secret, with only a few presidential staffers in the loop. In fact, said Obama, “I didn’t tell my own family.” Well, at least that’s the cover story he’s telling Joe Biden.

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Happy Mother’s Day!

May 8, 2011

Shouldn’t Mother’s Day be sponsored by the NBA? After all, the league is responsible for creating so many of them.

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Justin Verlander, who just threw his second no-hitter, is only 28 years old. What’s he going to be like when he REALLY learns how to pitch?

(My friend Tony Alan Banks responds “A Yankee.”)

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College and NBA basketball are a different world these days.  A couple factoids about league MVP Derrick Rose:

1.  If he had stayed in school, he’d have been a college senior at Memphis this year.

2. Although actually maybe he couldn’t have stayed in school, because an NCAA investigation determined someone took his SAT test for him. (And this was after some of his high school grades were changed after the fact.)

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Home videos show that Osama bin Laden enjoyed watching television, and recently dyed his beard black in order to appear more menacing.  Apparently he got the the idea during the 2010 World Series.

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Some analysts say gas prices will fall by nearly 50 cents as early as June. And major airlines say they will lower their fuel surcharges as early as hell freezing over.

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Speaking of hell freezing over, a bill to end $6 billion in ethanol subsidies has been co-sponsored in the Senate by California’s Dianne Feinstein and Oklahoma’s Tom Coburn?! Politics does indeed make very strange bedfellows. (Metaphorically speaking in this case.)

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Okay, can you name an athlete who still holds a speed record almost forty years after the fact? I know only one: Secretariat. 1973 Kentucky Derby – 1 minute, 59 and 2/5 seconds.

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Rosie Napravnik, riding Pants on Fire, failed in her attempt to become the first female jockey to win the Kentucky Derby. Surprised no woman has won before. It’s only a mile and a quarter. There’s no need to stop and ask for directions.

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The NCAA has announced they are looking into over 50 car sales to Ohio State student-athletes, to see if those sales met NCAA rules. 

Meanwhile, as part of his punishment for not turning his players in for receiving illegal benefits, Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel will attend a five-day compliance seminar in June in Tampa, Fla.. One of the seminar topics is “Division I Major Infractions.”

Attend the seminar?  Tressel could teach it.

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Happy (belated) birthday, Willie.

May 7, 2011

Willie Mays turned 80 years old on Friday.  The “Say Hey” kid is still pretty spry. In fact he clearly remembers every detail of his first hit, against Jamie Moyer.

Okay Giants fans, anyone who watched Friday’s game?  A show of hands from all of you who figured the Giants would come back from 3-0 in the 6th.   Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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And on the occasion of Willie Mays’ 80th birthday, my favorite quote after his miraculous World Series catch was from Giants’ reliever Don Liddle, who threw the ball Vic Wertz hit.  Liddle reportedly came back to the dugout afterwards and said “I got my man.”

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San Francisco Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens has been selected as an astronaut for a space expedition being planned by his native Curacao, as the Caribbean nation tries to start a space tourism program.    When asked why he volunteered Meulens reportedly said that it would be an honor,  he wants to serve his country, and besides Brian Wilson has always spoken highly of his home planet.

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Rough night for the Lakers, who led by seven with five minutes left, and still fell to the Dallas Mavericks, who now lead the best-of-seven series 3-0.   This could be the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles.  Are we sure the McCourts aren’t somehow involved?

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Brett Favre now says he might become a coach or work as a television analyst in the future. Of course it will probably take him 10 years to decide which one.

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Saturday is the “Run for the Roses.” And besides all the folks who forgot and are scrambling for flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s also the Kentucky Derby.

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One of the horses in the Derby is named “Pants on Fire.”  My son points out what a shame it is that there isn’t another horse in the field named “Liar, Liar.”   Because then the stretch drive could be truly memorable.

“And down the stretch they come It’s Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…”

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The San Jose City Council decided not to rename “Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport” to “Norman Y. Mineta Silicon Valley/San Jose International Airport.” Even the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim thought that sounded a bit unwieldy.

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Arthur Laurents, who wrote “West Side Story,” died at the age of 93.   Now, ironically, when San Jose got their hockey team, there was a naming contest and the first-place finisher was “Blades” But the owners were worried about potential gang name associations, and went with the runner-up, “Sharks.” (True.)

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Good thing Baltimore isn’t likely to win the World Series and be invited to the White House anytime in the next decade – Orioles star Luke Scott quoted this week “(President Obama’s) birth certificate has yet to be validated … If they can counterfeit $100 bills, I think it’s a million times easier to counterfeit a birth certificate…. Anybody can produce a document, so let’s check it out.”

Al-Qaida has confirmed Osama Bin Laden’s death and vowed “retaliation.” So since their announced plan already was to destroy America, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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Implausible deniability?

May 6, 2011

 Pakistan is sticking to their story that they had no idea where Bin Laden was staying. When told that this defied logic, they pointed out that the current U.S. Secretary of State said she had no idea that her husband was straying.

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And in a sports-related vein,  Pakistan’s claim  makes about as much sense as Bud Selig’s claim that he and MLB officials had no idea about the steroid problem.

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Los Angeles Lakers’ forward Ron Artest has been suspended from game three against the Mavericks for a flagrant foul on Dallas guard J.J. Barea. Wow, at this point that could be half the Lakers’ season.

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Apparently Prince William and Kate will be visiting California in July. No word on their itinerary but surely they will visit San Francisco? The “City by the Bay” certainly knows how to appreciate a good queen.

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The Pac 12’s new $3 billion contract with ESPN and Fox will mean a lot more Thursday and Friday night football games, never a favorite of coaches because of what they do to preparation and recovery time. Meanwhile we wonder how some of these kids get the idea it’s all about the money?

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Donald Trump has announced he will no longer be driving the celebrity pace car in the Indianapolis 500 this year. Guess he can’t stand even the appearance anymore of turning to the left.

(Augie says the Donald dropped out because someone told him he’d have to wear a helmet and muss up his hair.)

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Artest actually just won the NBA’s “J. Walter Kennedy Citizenship” Award last Tuesday.  So does his suspension mean the award will have an asterisk?

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Actually Artest really in general does seem to have turned his life around, and has mostly been a model player who’s made service to the community a priority. (He even raffled off his 2010 championship ring to raise money for mental health charities.) 

But seriously, the NBA’s best citizen?  A few years ago that seemed as likely as Kobe Bryant getting an award as the league’s best husband.

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A top ranked Washington Capitals were swept out of the NHL playoffs by the Tampa Bay Lightning. The GOP are trying to figure out if there’s a way to blame this on Obama.

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President Obama yesterday wished all Americans a happy Cinco de Mayo. And Sarah Palin responded “Idiot. Had Obama grown up in the U.S. he would know; mayo doesn’t sink.  It floats. Mustard sinks.

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Apparently George W. Bush, despite his invitation from President Obama, declined to attend today’s Ground Zero ceremony because he was feeling left out and not getting much credit. Of course, part of the problem is that Cheney made him feel the same way.

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Too gruesome?

May 5, 2011

Apparently photos will not be released because they’re too gruesome. And besides pictures of the Lakers’ shooting in game two, President Obama won’t release pictures of Bin Laden’s corpse either.

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Rough few days in Los Angeles. The Dodgers found out that the team doesn’t have enough money to cover their paychecks. And the Lakers didn’t do anything to earn theirs.

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Now that we’ve got Bin Laden, time for the important stuff: The DOJ apparently has sent the NCAA a letter asking why there isn’t a playoff system for college football, saying “serious questions” continue to be raised about whether the current Bowl Championship Series complies with federal antitrust laws.

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Well, so much for all those doubters who didn’t believe Boise State had a big-time football program. They’ve now been charged by the NCAA with rules violations and have self-imposed sanctions. Another step closer to joining the SEC!

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Although the World Champion San Francisco Giants have been in a serious slump at the plate for weeks, many long-time team observers say not to hit the panic button yet. Besides, the way the Giants are going, if they went for the panic button they’d swing and miss.

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Tim Lincecum struck out 12 against the Mets tonight to move ahead of Christy Mathewson for most double-digit strikeout games in Giants history (29). And most amazingly, Timmy’s done it all before hitting puberty.

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And it’s two wins in a row for the SF Giants, who had been struggling mightily. Of course, maybe these wins should have an asterisk. They were against the Mets.

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Tough times at Citi Field in New York. Have heard the most common chant now has changed from “Let’s Go Mets,” to “Please Go Mets.”

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I’m not a big country fan, but American Idol’s Scotty McCreery could sell out HP Pavilion and a number of arenas across the country tomorrow. (And while he was a high school pitcher, I think it’s a safe bet his baseball career is over.)

From T.C. 

Reports explain how the Navy SEAL helicopters were able to infiltrate the Osama Bin Laden compound and take him out.

His ATC workers were sleeping at the time of the attack.

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Jerry Brown says that to deal with the budget crisis, California may have to cut 20 days off the school year. The Governor’s poll numbers with teenagers just doubled.

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And a tweet from a twit:  Sarah Palin’s latest about releasing a death photo of Osama bin Laden. “Show photo as warning to others seeking America’s destruction. No pussy-footing around, no politicking, no drama;it’s part of the mission.”

“Pussy-footing around?” Does she mean like the previous administration did in not going after Bin Laden?

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Front page news

May 4, 2011

 

Just a couple days ago, pundits were wondering if the world media was so focused on the royal newlyweds that they would have to live out their first weeks of marriage on the front page.

So to President Obama, William and Kate send the message “Well handled, sir. Well handled.”

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Former president George W. Bush declined an invitation from President Barack Obama to attend an observance at New York’s ground zero. “I’ll come, I’ll come.” said Rudy Guiliani.

This may only make sense to Giants fans, but…. So since they buried Osama Bin Laden at sea after they shot him, does it count as a Splash Hit?

Meanwhile, former Giants minor leaguer Francisco Liriano just threw a no-hitter. A 1-0 win for the Twins. Probably just as well San Francisco traded him. The way things are going these days Liriano would have had a nine inning no-decision.

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The Oakland A’s stadium is now known as “Overstock.com” stadium, after the online seller of surplus merchandise bought the naming rights. Considering there were about 9,000 fans in the stands yesterday for an afternoon day game, it’s time for Overstock.com to start selling A’s tickets.

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Rumor this morning – Brian Sabean asked the Navy Seals if they would consider trying to help revive the Giants’ bats. The Seals commander said they try to stay away from impossible missions.

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Actually both the Giants and Mets were struggling offensively, but combined today for 10 runs in the first six innings, and chased both (number 5) starters. Proving, I suppose, that while good pitching will beat good hitting,  really bad pitching can’t even beat bad hitting.

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Why workers go postal. Overheard this morning in the local post office. Woman (loudly) “I asked for the largest flat rate priority mail box.” Clerk, (nicely)  “Mam, that is the largest box we have.” Woman (indignantly) “Are you sure? It looks MUCH larger in the poster.”

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Michele Bachman is now laughing off the mistake she made by saying the Revolutionary War started in Lexington, New Hamphire, by saying “I promised I would never again use President Obama’s teleprompter.” Note to Michele, President Obama not only might catch such a mistake, but also his staff has been known actually to fact-check before loading the teleprompter.

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Trump cancelled an appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman, after he didn’t like a comment the host made. In a note to Letterman, Trump wrote he was “disappointed” in being called a racist, and added “In actuality there is nobody who is less of a racist than Donald Trump.” Wonder why the Donald didn’t say “there is also nobody who is less of an egoist than Donald Trump”?

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If we had a parliamentary system of government, Prime Minister Obama would probably be calling for elections right now.

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Tweets and twitts.

May 3, 2011

Osama bin Laden’s last tweet? “Winning.”

What was more unlikely? The U.S finally getting Bin Laden? Or Kobe missing an open potential game-winning three-point shot?

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There was almost a “24” quality about this military action that killed Bin Laden. In fact, rumor has it that a line cut from Obama’s speech was “The mission took place between 1:00am and 2:00am.”

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A little perspective for a change. Just for one day at least, people in Cleveland have remembered there was a man they hated more than Lebron James.

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What a week. The stock market hits a three year high, Hawaii releases a long-form birth certificate, and the U.S. gets Bin Laden. Fox News is considering dedicating this week to a 24/7 recap of the Royal Wedding.

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Since he had already authorized the attack on Bin Laden, how did the President deliver this joke Saturday night with a straight face?

Talking about an episode of Celebrity Apprentice, Obama said to Donald Trump – “You didn’t blame Lil’ Jon or Meatloaf. You fired Gary Busey. And these are the kind of decisions that would keep me up at night. Well handled sir. Well handled.”

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Apparently the attack on bin Laden’s compound was originally scheduled for Saturday, but delayed due to bad weather. So not only did President Obama show off his comic timing at the White House Correspondent’s dinner, Barack also showed he would be great on “I’ve Got a Secret.”

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It’s after midnight in Washington,  D.C.  And both Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Osama bin Laden are still dead.

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The rumors that Sacramento would lose their NBA team turned out to be greatly exaggerated. Who’d a thunk the Kings would last longer than Osama bin Laden?

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from Marc Ragovin:  Did you hear how loudly the Phildadelphia fans cheered word of Bin Laden’s death? For a minute there they must have thought he was Santa Claus.

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Ohio State already has several players and coach Jim Tressel, suspended for five games over the selling memorabilia scandal. Now the school has announced that linebacker Dorian Bell has been suspended for the entire 2011 season for a violation of team rules. This came as a shock to Buckeyes fans – OSU has team rules?

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To be fair, Donald Trump did make a gracious statement today – “I want to personally congratulate President Obama and the men and women of the Armed Forces for a job well done. We should spend the next several days not debating party politics, but in remembrance of those who lost their lives on 9/11 and those currently fighting for our freedom.”

Possible translation “I can’t figure out how to take credit for this one.”

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