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Losses and other Imperfections

June 7, 2010

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praised Armando Galarraga’s sportsmanship and said on his weekly TV/radio program “Everyone knows he pitched a perfect game.”

Congratulations to Bud Selig. It takes some work to cede the moral high ground to Hugo Chavez.

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John Wooden said “Sports do not build character, they reveal it.” Was there ever a truer example of that than this week? Armando Galarraga and Jim Joyce more than rose to the occasion, and Bud Selig was, well, Bud Selig.

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The way Los Angeles fans are going on about the officiating in game 2, I have to hope Jim Joyce isn’t ever umping at first on the off-chance some Dodger gets close to a perfect game. They would burn the stadium to the ground.

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But to be fair for Lakers fans, I guess it’s really easy to get upset over a game you think you should have won, when it’s been a whole year since you last won a championship.

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The Milwaukee Brewers bullpen has blown over half their save opportunities this year. At this point they’re doing such a bad job of throwing oil on troubled waters they may be sponsored by BP.

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But over in San Francisco, is it somewhere buried in Brian Wilson’s contract that he is not allowed to throw a 1-2-3 ninth inning?

For that matter, while I’m ranting. Since Todd Wellemeyer’s ERA is now over 10 on the road, here’s a few suggestions the next time his turn is up.

1. Forfeit the game and give the rest of the lineup a day off. This will at least have the team rested and ready for the next game.

2. Pick a random bullpen guy to start and let him and the pen pitch by committee.

3. Bring up any random AAA or AA guy for a start. How much worse can they be?

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This is just a great story. From the not always so conservative South, as reported in Florida Today:

Pensacola, Florida home of the Brevard County Manatees, has already had oil washing up on its shore. And the Manatees are not happy.

So the team (a Class A affiliate of the Brewers) has announced they are changing the name of batting practice, usually known as “BP,” to “hitting rehearsal.”

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Meanwhile as we approach the primary vote in California:

Republican Gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner’s latest effort to court conservatives – “Being a dad has taught me why exactly gay marriage is wrong. I’ve learned firsthand the importance of kids having a mom and a dad.”

I wonder if Poizner took time out of his busy schedule today to wish the childless Rush Limbaugh congratulations on his fourth marriage.

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And his opponent, Meg Whitman, the $100 million candidate, says her complete lack of political experience and connections makes her the best person to run the state.

Just wondering, if Whitman were still on the board of EBay and they needed to hire a new CEO, how would she feel about hiring someone who bragged, “I can run this company better than anyone else because I have absolutely no business training or work experience.”

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Delta’s new motto?

June 6, 2010

We’ll take a shot at it?

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A Delta Airlines flight attendant was arrested after trying to board a plane with a handgun in her purse.

And I feel embarrassed if TSA catches me with a bottle of nail polish.

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The woman was the second Delta employee that TSA caught within a month trying to bring a gun on board. (The other was an off-duty pilot.) In related news, Delta was voted the airline where passengers are now least likely to complain about the inflight movie.

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Just wondering – why dont they just retitle the FOX MLB Game of the Week the Yankees showcase and be done with it?

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The Belmont Stakes was won Saturday by a 13-1 longshot named “Drosselmeyer.”

Of course, with no chance for a Triple Crown winner this year, most Americans cared about the race as much as they will about the final round of the Memorial Golf tournament, with Tiger out of contention.

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Tom Petty concert tonight. These days there are just a few different things about a Petty concert –

For examples, when fans hold lighters in the air, they are actually using them to light something.

And the lines to the restrooms are only equalled by the lines at the “Jack in the Box” after the concert right across from the arena entrance. And maybe for Doritos at the closest 7-11.

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Plus of course as Petty nears 60 – this year – the songs change a bit “I need to know” (because I don’t remember), and Free Falling (but now I can’t get up.)

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Petty said the first time he played in the Oakland Arena was the late 1970s. To give you an idea how long ago that was, the Golden State Warriors were actually good.

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Four weddings and a funeral.

June 5, 2010

John Wooden passed away tonight at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said “So tragically young!”
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Wooden was by far the winningest college basketball coach in the Pac 8. Many NBA players now will wonder – what was the “Pac 8?” And given recent trends, no doubt it won’t be too many years before many of them as “what is college basketball?”

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Rush Limbaugh is getting married for the fourth time. This is shocking. There are four women in American stupid enough to consider marrying Limbaugh?

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And with this fourth wife, it now means Limbaugh has had more wives than our last three Democratic presidents COMBINED.

(True, Carter, Clinton, Obama are all on their first.)

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The woeful Orioles fired manager Dave Trembley Friday and replaced him with interim manager Juan Samuel. Question – isn’t the term “Orioles interim manager” redundant?

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Some wondered before the Stanley Cup finals if the Philadelphia Flyers even belonged on the same ice as the Chicago Blackhawks. And so far the verdict is… more than the San Jose Sharks.

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House Minority Leader John Boehner wants Paul McCartney to apologize for his comment upon receiving a Library of Congress award – “After the last eight years, it’s great to have a president who knows what a library is.”

And to be fair, I am sure Laura has told W. what a library is, he just hasn’t been in one.

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An open question to baseball fans. If it had been a New York Yankees pitcher who was cheated out of a perfect game, ya think Bud Selig’s response would still basically have been “Accidents happen?”

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It’s only June and already 2011 calendars are on sale. I hear they’re selling particularly well near Wrigley Field.

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BP CEO Tony Hayward: “So far I’m unscathed … Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” On the Gulf Coast, along with the attempted beach cleanups, the hunt is on for sticks and stones.

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Instant nostalgia: Hard to believe only a couple months ago the biggest oil jokes involved Burger King’s “Double Down” sandwich.

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Great joke from Alan Ray: Former President George W. Bush has joined Facebook. He filled out his profile all wrong. Under education, he put “It’s complicated”.

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Lakers – Celtics – “The haves vs. the haves.”

June 4, 2010

Or perhaps the other motto for this NBA finals “Cinderella has left the building.

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In Washington D.C. to accept an award at the Library of Congress, Paul McCartney quipped “It’s nice to have a president again who knows what a library is.” Probably just as well though that Sir Paul didn’t ask the 48 year old Obama if he knew about the Beatles.

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Luckiest athlete as far as avoiding embarrassment this week? Serena Williams. How often does a number one ranked athlete in the world get upset at a major event, and it’s not even the top story on Sportscenter?

The sports world is still buzzing about Jim Joyce’s mistake at first base last night. It might be the most famous blown call in history. Or at least since when Bill Clinton was talking on the phone in the Oval Office while being serviced by Monica.

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Give Jim Joyce a lot of credit. He admitted making a mistake a lot faster than anyone connected with BP.

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Joyce and pitcher Armando Galarraga actually are turning out to be one of the classier sports stories of the year. As opposed to this one.

Los Angeles mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, already under fire for accepting free Lakers tickets, nonetheless went to the opening game of the finals. As reported in the Los Angeles Times:

“I am going to the Lakers game tonight,”he said. “And I’ve made it very clear, as I understand the rules and regulations, it is not a reportable gift when I am in an official capacity. I will be going tonight in an official capacity.”

Can’t imagine how the Lakers did it without him.

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And commissioner Bud Selig is apparently not going to reverse the bad call that denied Armando Galarraga a perfect game. But he should. It was the most embarrassing sports story to come out of Detroit in recent memory, well, not involving the Detroit Lions.

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A T and T is eliminating unlimited data plans for their smartphones. So customers who want to stay in touch with friends may have to actually use the phones to make calls.

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From Bill Littlejohn: Jose Canseco says that he could’ve been a professional bowler.I don’t know about that–he’s always had trouble staying out of the gutter”

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Naptime is now any time for Junior.

June 3, 2010

Ken Griffey, Jr, 40, announced his retirement today from Major League Baseball. And Jamie Moyer, 48, commented “So young?”

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or

Ken Griffey. Jr. 40, just announced his retirement. So far this season he was batting .184 with no home runs and seven RBIs. But considering his age and stats, it won’t be long until he gets an offer from the San Francisco Giants.

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Reader Gary Morton commented on the Giants’ not trying to sign Dontrelle Willis, he of the latest $12 million disappointing contract “Of course they wouldn’t try to sign Willis – he can hit.”

(and yes, Dontrelle Willis, whatever his faults has long been considered one of the best hitting pitchers in Major League Baseball.)

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The Tigers’ Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game Wednesday night, except for the umpire’s admitted error in calling the batter safe at first with two outs in the ninth.

It was the worst call in Detroit history, well, at least since GM decided to build the Chevy Vega.

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This could go down in history as Major League Baseball’s first “28 up-28 down” perfect game.

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Give first-base umpire Jim Joyce some credit, however, for manning up and saying “I just cost that kid a perfect game.”

There were 20 perfect games in history before tonight. Wonder if there’s been 20 times an umpire said “I made a mistake?”

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Another day, another problem with BP’s equipment and their efforts to cap their damaged oil well. Maybe they shouldn’t be buying all this stuff from ACME corporation.

(Says Alex Kaseberg in a “great minds” – BP is starting to make Wil E. Coyote look like a genius)

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Just wondering, if we waterboard terrorists to get the answers that might save our country, how long until someone suggests “oilboarding” executives at BP?

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Now Serena is out of the French Open. This has turned out to be the year that Americans in Paris have fallen faster than “Drill Baby Drill” signs now in Louisiana.

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An Alaska newspaper has warned writer Joe McGinniss that Sarah Palin has a right to shoot to protect her property. But does any politcial reporter really need to be told that someone who wanted to be a Republican vice-president has a gun and is not afraid to use it?
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So, no more “winning one for the Tipper.”

June 2, 2010

Al and Tipper Gore are separating. Okay, who’d a thunk this? The longest married American political couple, without any divorce history, might end up being Bill and Hillary Clinton.

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Al and Tipper Gore say their separation is amicable and there is no affair involved. Makes sense, the cheating Al has likely been doing is on his diet.

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For the Gores’ sakes let’s hope it’s just that the couple has grown apart, and that the tabloids won’t soon be full of “Inconvenient Truths.”

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And if the separation comes to divorce, Al in particular will want to settle this by mediation. He doesn’t have a good history with the courts.

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Ah for the good old days, when the biggest post-Katrina disaster story out of Louisiana was JaMarcus Russell.

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The offensively-challenged San Francisco Giants scored one run tonight in 11 innings, while the Philadelphia Phillies have been shut out five times in the last ten games. What do they think this is, the World Cup?

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The Giants and Phillies have also actually both won 1-0 games in the past week. If these two teams played each other, it might have to be decided by penalty kicks.

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The World Cup will actually be starting late next week. Although most Americans are likely to ignore it. Sort of like any golf tournament without Tiger.

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Latest give-away promotion idea at A T and T Park – Orange and black paper bag night. And during the game fans can watch to see if the Giants can hit their way out of one.

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Dontrelle Willis was traded with cash by the Detroit Tigers to the Arizona Diamondbacks. Willis had been a huge disappointment for the Tigers, who had given him a 3 year $29 million contract extension, for a 2-8 overall mark and an ERA near 7.

One question, how did Dontrelle ever sign such a deal with Detroit and not Brian Sabean?

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Star defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom decided not to retire at the age of 40, and signed a one year contract with the Detroit Red Wings at a “slight” paycut from $7.5 to $6.2 million.

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Guess it seemed only appropriate for him to give the team a senior discount.
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Long-suffering fans of the Chicago Blackhawks, now up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup finals, have not seen their team win the NHL championship since 1961. 49 years!

“Wimps” – responded Cubs fans.

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Here’s the pitch

June 1, 2010

Ubaldo Jiminez outdueled Tim Lincecum Monday afternoon in San Francisco in a 4-0 Rockies win. But to be fair, Lincecum didn’t have the advantage of pitching against the Giants lineup.

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On Tuesday June 1, the Florida Marlins will sell unused tickets to the game in which the Roy Halladay of the Phillies pitched a perfect game, a 1-0 victory over the Marlins on May 30.

While I sympathize with the team’s desire to make money, doesn’t that cheapen it for the hundreds of people who were actually there?

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The Nationals have announced that highly touted prospect Stephen Strasburg will make his first start in Washington June 8 against the Pittsburg Pirates. Disappointing all those who wanted to see his debut against major league pitching.

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As the Celtics prepare to meet the Lakers in the NBA finals, some people think that the team mailed it in for much of the regular season. Not saying there’s any truth to that, but Boston was named the official team of the U.S. Post Office.

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Senator David Vitter from Louisiana says he still supports off-shore oil drilling, despite the BP disaster, because otherwise every time there is a plane crash, we should “oppose air travel.” Last time I checked, however, plane crashes, while awful, don’t spread wreckage over several states and potentially destroy ecosystems.

Vitter, you may remember, is the congressman who was caught in a prostitution scandal both in New Orleans and in Washington. How embarrassing. Many of the prostitutes involved are now ashamed to have been with someone who’s such a whore for BP.

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One of those “TMI” subplots with Vitter’s prostitution scandal was that the congressman had a bit of a diaper fetish. Wonder if he’s thinking diapers now might help stop the oil leaks.

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Celene Dion is apparently pregnant with twins. Assuming a healthy and successful pregnancy she plans to take some time off from singing. Which means good wishes are flowing in from all over the world.

from Marc Ragovin:

So we just celebrated Memorial Day, which is the unofficial start of summer. And the official end of the Pirates’ season.

and from Bill Littlejohn:

On the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey being selected to host the first cold weather outdoor Super Bowl: “The halftime show will be performed by Vanilla Ice.’’

(I’ve got to think that with the probable freezing temperatures, all any woman performance will need is to go bra-less for a “wardrobe malfunction.”)

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BP, Giants hitting, and other disasters.

May 30, 2010

Roy Halladay threw Major League Baseball’s second perfect game in 20 days. Which is shocking. Even more shocking, neither game was against the Giants or Astros.

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And Matt Cain of the San Francisco Giants pitched a one hitter Friday night. Even more surprisingly, he pitched a one-hitter and won.

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The Giants finally brought up heralded prospect Buster Posey Saturday night. (And won 12-1) One reason they had apparently been waiting was that they had worried their number-one catcher, Bengie Molina, would sulk. Of course, with Molina having 2 RBIs in the month of May, how could they tell?

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Kendry Morales of the Angels fractured his leg when he fell while jumping on home plate after his game winning grand-slam. Forget walk-offs, this may go down in history as MLB’s first “carted-off” home run.

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BP announced that “Top Kill” has failed. Sad to think we can now look back almost longingly for the days when the worst unstoppable problem inflicted on the American public was a few thousand Toyotas.

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Congressman Ed Markey, the chair of a House energy committee investigating the oil spill, said BP was either “lying or incompetent” about the scope of the spill. With all due respect, Congressman, I don’t think it’s an either/or question.

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A BP executive says the company has “learned from its failures” with the spill. In related news, Tiger Woods says he has learned how to be a better husband.

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President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.
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In Oakland, California, workers at a medical marijuana facility voted to join a labor union. Apparently they would have done this years ago, but there was the little matter of getting a quorum to show up for a meeting.
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Some states want to force doctors to use ultrasounds of the fetuses to try to convince women not to have abortions. In retaliation, some pro-choice advocates are urging doctors to show those same women pictures of teenagers.

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Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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Do as I say….

May 28, 2010

Pablo Sandoval, all 260 cuddly pounds of him, more or less, has started working with elementary school students to promote physical fitness. Not that we don’t love “the Panda,” but isn’t him advising kids on being in shape like the rest of the Giants team advising them on hitting?

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Or choose your punchline…

Isn’t the heaviest man on the Giants advising kids about physical fitness like…

John Edwards dispensing relationship advice?

Lindsay Lohan encouraging responsible behavior?

The Chicago Cubs discussing winning philosophies?

Bristol Palin preaching abstinence? (Oops, never mind)

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The Oakland Raiders have filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell, seeking back almost $10 million of the money they have paid him, presumably because of his disappointing and uninspired performance. Is this a great idea? If the judge rules in the team’s favor, how long before season ticket holders in turn file a grievance against the Raiders?

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Skytrax came out with their annual list of the top ten World’s Best Airlines. Not surprisingly no U.S. carriers were on the list. With all due respect, it’s hard to imagine U.S. airlines even making the top ten list for North America.

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John McCain is inexplicably strongly opposed to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” That may be because at his age it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Remember.”

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Since a new neighbor, Joe McGinniss is writing a book about her, Sarah Palin is building a tall fence around her home in Wasilla. In related news, Russia announced cutbacks in their anti-surveillance budget.

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Whoever said “Practice makes perfect?” It certainly wasn’t anyone who’s been following the University of Michigan football team.

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Jerry Brown has announced he has $20 million available for his fall gubernatorial campaign. And Meg Whitman responded “$20 million, isn’t that cute?”

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from my funny friend Marc Ragovin – tweaked just a little:

According to the BBC, a recent study has concluded that condoms manufactured to international standards are too big for the majority of Indian men. I guess that explains the country’s cricket league’s slogan: “Chicks Dig The Short Ball.”

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And in the equally tacky department, Barack Obama, increasingly frustrated with BP, apparently said today “Just plug the damn hole.”

Funny, apparently that’s about the same thing one of Tiger’s girlfriends said in response to one of his sexting messages.

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Ballot time?

May 27, 2010

And a question. Did they count American Idol votes in Florida?

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Art Linkletter died today at the age of 97. Shocking news to many Americans who didn’t realize he was still alive.

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At Linkletter’s funeral, there are no long speeches planned, but attendees are urged to say “the darndest things.”

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British Petroleum refers to their latest operation to try to stop their gushing oil spill as “top kill.’ Which actually might be a good term to describe what millions of Americans want to do with BP executives.

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The Orlando Magic not only have won the last two games of the NBA Eastern Conference finals, they have looked good doing it. So while the Celtics are still leading 3-2, there is talk they could actually lose this thing. Which would be the biggest collapse in Boston sports history… well, since last week anyway.
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A cleaning crew at Philadelphia airport at 4am found a women passenger still asleep on a United Express regional jet. The cabin crew apparently failed to notice her when the plane landed around midnight. This is beyond shocking – someone can actually sleep on one of those little planes?

(A couple of my friends who fly regularly have added “they actually CLEAN those planes?”)

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The University of Kansas is investigating a ticket scalping scheme whereby over $1 million of tickets in the last five years were sold inappropriately by athletic department employees. This would never happen at Stanford – in the past five years they haven’t sold $1 million in tickets.

Although at USC $1 million might be the budget for paying football and basketball players for their summer jobs.

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The Los Angeles Dodgers are suing comedian Jon Lovitz. It’s for non-payment of season tickets. (Which the team resold.) Other comedians around the country were glad to find out the reason – because if joking about a baseball team becomes a lawsuit worthy offense, the Cubs could bankrupt every joke writer in America.

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Joe Biden said today that he did NOT serve in Vietnam, and joked about not making a “Blumenthal mistake.” Meanwhile in Idaho, Vaughn Ward lost his primary race after a plagiarized speech many are calling a “Biden mistake.”

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The University of Michigan is hoping their self-imposed sanctions will keep the NCAA from imposing harsher sanctions on their football program. Besides, with an 8-16 record over the past two years, it’s like suspending a .200 hitter for performance-enhancing drugs.

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The San Francisco Giants have become one of the worst hitting teams in baseball over the last month, and now their ace, Tim Lincecum, has been rocked in two straight starts. The team’s motto this year, (which refers to their ballpark) “There’s magic inside.”

Maybe it’s time to see what can be done about taking the spell off.

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Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.

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The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?

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Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.

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Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”

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Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)

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Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.

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But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)

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Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.

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Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

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Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

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The Giants offense and other jokes.

May 25, 2010

Anyone else think that just MAYBE the Giants are carrying this effort to prove their team doesn’t take PED’s in the post-Bonds era just a little too far?

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Press release from the San Francisco Giants: The team wishes to make one thing clear – despite rumors they do indeed believe they can hit water if they fall out of a boat.

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New York is currently the favorite for hosting the 2014 Super Bowl. City residents are thrilled -tickets are likely to cost less than a Yankees home game.

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Orlando pulled out an overtime win against Boston to avoid being swept in the NBA Eastern Conference finals. So at least the team avoided a Magic performance that was almost as dismal as the last show of Siegfried and Roy.

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Just how painful has watching the Celtics-Magic matchup been for Orlando fans? Most of them said, given a choice, they might actually wish instead to be stuck on Disney’s “It’s a Small World” ride.

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Jennifer Hudson is featured on the cover of the latest issue of People Magazine showing off her new shape. The singer-actress has dropped from a size 16 to a 6. Some say it’s the most amazing loss of useless flab since the Raiders cut Jamarcus Russell.

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U.S. Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin said that Tiger Woods would not be an “automatic” pick for the team. That’s odd, I thought what Tiger proved he did best this past year was “Ryder.”

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The Phoenix Suns’ Steve Nash, 36, who’s already played one game with an eye swollen shut, will now have surgery to repair a broken nose he suffered in game three against the Los AngelesLakers.

Two questions: Who’d a thunk the toughest player on the court would be an old white guy? And with that attitude, how did the Canadian Nash not end up playing hockey?

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My friend Neil Berliner wrote this one: “Lance Armstrong has been accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. Ridiculous; in the past 15 years, the guy hasn’t had a single home run.”

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When asked about religion this conservative politician responded “I am a Christian, I go to church, I believe in God, but I do not have a direct line.” And he added “my politics is not faith-driven.” In England, David Cameron was just elected Prime Minister. In the U.S. he probably would lose in the Republican primary.
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Lost without Lost?

May 24, 2010

Count me as one of the few Americans who has never watched LOST. (Or maybe I did – watched game four when the Sharks got swept out of the NHL playoffs.)

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Rough day for the San Jose Sharks, losing 3-2 after having a 2-0 lead and being eliminated from the playoffs. On the brighter side, they scored more today than the Giants have all weekend. (True, one run in three games against the As)

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And realistically, down 3-0 and playing on their opponents home ice? Lets just say the Sharks probably had less of a chance for a happy ending than Jack Bauer on tonight’s final episode of 24.

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NBA Update – Rumors of an early Suns-set have been greatly exaggerated.

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Actually, the Suns may be the last, best, educated team in the league. Steve Nash, graduate of the University of Santa Clara (good small private school near San Jose,), Grant Hill, graduate of Duke, Channing Frye, graduate of Arizona, Robin Lopez, two years at Stanford, Jason Richardson, two years at Michigan State. (And yeah, Amar’e Stoudemire, the one straight-from-high-school guy on the team.)

But how long until the real “college veterans” on most NBA teams are one-and-dones?

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Regarding those newly revised textbooks in Texas: Anyone seriously think the revisionists are done weeding out the historical figures they don’t like? What’s next – a search for LBJ’s’ birth certificate?

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Drew Storen, less than a year removed from pitching for Stanford, got not only his first major league win this week, but a hit in his first at bat. Damn shame he didnt get drafted by the Giants. He could bat cleanup.

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At this point the Giants lineup is so punchless, management is thinking of trying to bring in a temporary professional soccer tenant. So at least the home fans could see some scoring.

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The Wall Street Journal ran a survey saying that the five pitchers in major league baseball who have lost the most velocity on their fastball (still less than two miles an hour), have seen their ERA go up more than 2 runs a game.

Right, tell that to Tim Wakefield, who just threw 8 shutout innings against the Phillies, while being clocked in the mid 60s.

The 43 year old Wakefield may hold several unusual distinctions by the time he finally retires. Not least of which might be being the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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Dorothy Kamenshek has died at the age of 84. She was a star in the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, and helped inspire the Geena Davis character in the movie “A League of Their Own.” Dorothy was an amazing player; rumor has it she once even got a hit off Jamie Moyer.

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Sarah Palin accused Rachel Maddow of being “prejudiced” when she interviewed Rand Paul. Okay, here’s an idea – why doesn’t Palin herself interview Paul? I think viewers from across the political spectrum would tune in to watch that!

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Not the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

May 23, 2010

Three games into the Eastern Conference NBA finals, maybe it’s time to rename them the “Orlando Tragic.”

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Magic fans haven’t seen anything this bad since the movie remake of “Bewitched.”

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Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to schedule the NBA playoffs during sweeps week?

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The San Francisco Giants, losers of another 1-0 game today, have just scheduled Sir Paul McCartney for a concert at A T and T Park right before the All-Star Break. It might be the only time this year San Francisco fans can count on seeing some hits.

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Retired quarterback Kurt Warner is attempting to quash rumors of a comeback by saying – “When I made this decision, it was a final decision.” Responded Brett Favre – “What’s a final decision?”

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Kentucky Republican Senate primary winner Rand Paul has said of the BP spill and the latest mining accident deaths “sometimes accidents happen.” Tell us about it, said many of the national GOP establishment.

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A 13 year old boy became the youngest person to ever climb Everest. He also became the first to send 1000 text messages from the summit and to post it as his Facebook status.

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Dice-K almost threw a no-hitter for the Red Sox against the Phillies, until Juan Castro hit a bloop single just out of shortstop Marco Scutaro ‘s reach.

Scutaro, who fell down lunging for the ball, was jokingly quoted as saying “I know the whole country of Japan hates me. Sorry, sorry. My bad.” Well, maybe not all of Japan. But most of Boston.

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Brett Favre underwent successful ankle surgery in Florida yesterday. The operation was performed by a top orthopedic surgeon with consulting help from a Field museum paleontologist.

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Something most Democrats and some Republicans can actually agree on…. we would love to see a Sarah Palin-Rand Paul GOP ticket in the 2012 presidential election

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Happy Birthday Pac Man!

May 22, 2010

The arcade game Pac Man turns 30 on Saturday. Video game players younger than 35 say “What’s Pac Man?” Players under 25 say “What’s an arcade?”

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Republican Kentucky Senate candidate Rand Paul, who has criticized the Civil Rights Act, and defended BP, is now complaining- “When does my honeymoon period start? I had a big victory.” And some say President Obama is a hopeless dreamer.

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Watching Rand Paul a couple questions come to mind? Can SNL hire a look-alike comic for him by September. And as much as he wants to war on Washington, DC, can he see it from his house?

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A 13-year-old American boy became the youngest climber to reach the top of Mount Everest on Saturday And presumably the first to send about 300 texts from the summit and post it on his “Facebook” status.

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Sad thought for cycling. Floyd Landis may be a nasty snitch who is coming forward for the wrong reasons. But you could say the same thing about Jose Canesco.

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Cycling, baseball and football all have PED scandals, the NBA is dealing with allegations of game fixing, college sports are facing both academic and financial scandals. Who knew, the most honest sport of all might turn out to be pro-wrestling?

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To paraphase Woody Allen: A Shark is like a relationship, it either has to move forward or it dies. And what Sharks fans may have here for 2010 is a dead relationship.

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Richard Blumenthal keeps trying to explain his comments about serving in Vietnam. But he’s not making things much better. For example, today he tried to blame his inaccurate statements on post-traumatic stress syndrome from when he faced sniper fire with Hillary Clinton.

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Blumenthal is getting so good at telling increasingly implausible stories with a straight face, if he doesn’t get elected to the Senate, there’s a job waiting for him in the public relations department of BP.

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For all those pessimists who love to say, “Cheer up, it can only get worse.” Remember last month when the company most known for a unstoppable disaster was Toyota?

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At this point the only thing slimier than the oil washing ashore on Gulf Coast beaches is BP’s “we didn’t do anything wrong stance.”

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Double trouble?

May 21, 2010

KFC originally envisioned the “Double Down” as a temporary promotion. But the fast food chain said the sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken for a bun has become so popular that they will keep selling it indefinitely. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum, no one ever went broke underestimating the taste for greasy, fattening foods of the American public.

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Tesla Motors and Toyota have announced a partnership to build electric cars in California. Does this mean Tesla will change their motto to “Ain’t no stopping us now?”

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Bizarre travel thought of the day. You cannot use cash to buy a beer onboard most airlines these days, but you can use cash to buy a one way ticket to Pakistan.

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Despite spending $68 million of her own money in the California GOP gubernatorial primary (so far), Meg Whitman has seen her 50 point lead in the polls over Steve Poizner drop to single digits. The former Ebay executive is particularly frustrated that the election didn’t just have a “Buy-it-now” button.

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You have to love it though, Poizner has spent $28 million of his own money. And he is getting traction out of accusing Whitman, who has spent $60 million of her own money, of buying the election.

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And this is all just to run as the GOP candidate for governor of a state in the midst of a huge budget crisis with no apparent way out. Haven’t seen rich people waste so much money on winning such a dubious prize since the last America’s Cup.

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Latest quote from Richard Blumenthal. “I wore the uniform” during Vietnam. Is he now saying he worked at McDonalds?

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At this point Blumenthal may own the distinction of being the U.S. politician who has most embarrassed himself while still keeping his pants zipped.

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Paul McCartney is playing at San Francisco’s A T and T Park in July. Not to say Sir Paul is getting old, but the Giants tried to sign him to play the outfield.

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Kevin Costner has funded a science team that has developed an “oil extracter.” And BP may be able to use the device to clean up their spill in the Gulf. Well, who better to be an expert on toxic messes than the man who made “Waterworld?”

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From Bill Littlejohn – Brett Favre told the Southern Mississippi University baseball team that if they make it to the College World Series, he’ll play for one more year. If they don’t make it to the World Series, he’ll play two more. Or maybe three, or maybe two…

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NBA playoff thrillers and other fantasies…

May 20, 2010

Not to say these NBA playoff games have largely been lopsided and uninteresting, but there was a heck of a lot more drama in the draft ping-pong balls.

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The NBA teases fans all year with the promise that despite often lackluster and disappointing regular season performances, that more exciting things are to come when the post season arrives. And then when the post season starts out equally disappointing, that the NEXT round will be better. Who’s sponsoring this league anyway? Microsoft?

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So the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Suns 124-112 to go up 2-0 in their NBA Western Conference Finals. But the Suns have a strategy for when game three returns to Phoenix. They’ll just tell local police that Kobe Bryant was really born in Kenya.

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Looks like the Orlando Magic will last in the playoffs about as long as a $20 bill lasts at Disney World.

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Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit, with a speaking fee of up to $30,000 per appearance. Her topic? “How being an unwed mother can keep you from having a profitable career.”

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PETA is paying Nayda Suleman to have a plastic sign in her front lawm that reads: “Don’t Let Your Dog or Cat Become an Octomom. Always Spay or Neuter.” – The organization also is offering Suleman a free month’s supply of veggie dogs and burgers, and has offered to pay for spaying HER.

Recent polls show a tightening race in the California gubernatorial primary. Which some pundits say could mean more mudslinging. More mud? As anyone who watches television in California will tell you, isn’t that at this point like BP spilling more oil.

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The inventor of the ATM machine, John Shepherd-Barron, just died. His funeral will be free and open to the public, however, for non-members of his church, your regular place of worship may charge you for attending.
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Meg Whitman’s 50-point lead over Steve Poizner now apparently has dwindled to single digits. Despite the millions Whitman has poured into the race already. Unfortunately for the former CEO of EBAY, this election didn’t have a “Buy It Now” button.
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BP apparently told federal regulators that they could handle an oil spill 50 times the size of the one they are currently trying to deal with now. Isn’t it time to change the company name to “Barely Plausible”

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Whats the difference between the Detroit Red Wings and the San Jose Sharks? At this point, looks like about a week.
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A record that will never be broken. Forget DiMaggio’s hitting streak, how about Cy Young’s total victories – 511. To put that in perspective. 511 is more than the Royals had in the past eight full SEASONS. And actually counting what they have so far in 2010, the 8 1/4 year total is 490..

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How the mighty are falling.

May 19, 2010

Quarterback Daunte Culpepper is on the verge of going from the NFL’s Detroit Lions to the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions. Well, after spending last season in Detroit, it’s not that big of a step down.

My friend Kevin Terpsta says, probably correctly, he’ll be playing for the best team in Northern California.

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In the NHL, well it took until mid-May, but the San Jose Sharks are now in playoff form.

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Freddie Sanchez, who has spent more time on the disabled list than he has played since he got traded to the San Francisco Giants, wants a little more time before being activated to the major league roster. Guess Freddie wants to be sure he is absolutely ready to be injured in 2010.

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CBS is cancelling their long-running police show “Cold Case.” Which means the only remaining “Cold Case” left on television will be when “Meet the Press” features Hillary Clinton.

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The Golden State Warriors, slotted to pick fourth, fell to sixth in the NBA draft. Not that it matters considering the team’s past luck with their picks. Normally most Northern Californians who can remember such awful luck in the draft spent time in Canada.

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The University of California – Berkeley – is now starting up a Quidditch team. Quidditch? These days most Northern Californians are having a hard enough time pretending they understand hockey.

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The latest Robin Hood movie is having a disappointing run at the box office. But really, how new things can you add to the legend of the man who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor? Rumor has it in this version his detractors claim he was really born in Kenya.

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You REALLY cannot make this stuff up department: Indiana Congressman Mark Souder resigned after admitting he had sex with a part-time female staffer. Apparently, besides their affair, the woman had worked with Souder to produce an abstinence video.

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Republican party leaders were dismayed to hear of Souder’s transgressions, on the other hand they were intensely relieved that it was a FEMALE staffer.

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Wonder if Souder found the staffer on Rentgirl.com

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On the other side of the aisle, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, a former Marine Corps Reservists, now claims it was just a matter of misplaced words when he said he served in Vietnam he didn’t really mean he was “in” Vietnam. He claimed he just mean that he served his country.

Surprised he didnt say “It depends on what the definition of “in” is.

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Blumenthal did apparently work on some “Toys for Tots” drives. And to be fair, it was probably easy for him to confuse a few of those years with the Cabbage Patch Kids craze with actual hand-to-hand combat.

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So Blumenthal said he served during Vietnam but he didnt mean he was in Vietnam. But words matter, there’s just a little bit of difference between Tiger Woods’ being served by a waitress, and being in a waitress.

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And yeah, these scandals aren’t as serious as terrorism (and they sure provide better comic material.) But how long until some candidate who actually honors his/her marriage vows says they will help make Washington a “No Open Fly” zone?

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$30,000 a speech?

May 18, 2010

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Bristol Palin apparently now will join her mother by starting a career in public speaking. Her fee will apparently be between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance. So yeah, up to $30,000 for less than an hour’s speech. Yeah, that ought to convince other teenagers that being an unwed mother can derail your life…

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Wonder if Bristol will write her speech down on her palm or a diaper?

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Lakers coach Phil Jackson made some controversial comments indicating that he supports Arizona’s new immigration law. Maybe he was just trying to psych out Steve Nash by getting him worried about being sent back to Canada.

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Florida Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez was benched by his manager for not hustling after a ball during Monday night’s game. Did Ramirez forget his first name wasn’t Manny?

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The San Francisco Giants lost their seventh in a row against the Padres, this time 3-1, although the string has included two 1-0 losses, and the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in those seven games. Once again, a case could be made for firing the team hitting coach, but it would probably be tossed out for insufficient evidence.

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New slogan suggestions? –

“SF Giants baseball – if you’ve ever wanted to watch nine pitchers bat in a row.”

“Giants baseball – the best hits in our park are played over the public address speakers,”

“Giants baseball – the best Triple A lineup in the country.”

“Giants baseball – the only PED our starting pitchers need is Prozac.”

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A former Food Network chef was arrested for an alleged “murder for hire” scheme. Shocking. What kind of a chef are you if you can’t figure out how to poison someone yourself?

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USC apparently is paying their new football coach Lane Kiffin $4 million a year. Wow, that’s almost as much as they pay the team.

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A proposed solution to the California budget crisis and the growing phenomenon of trying to buy elections: Tax election advertising spending at a rate of 50%. If some money ends up going to education and staves off critical budget cuts maybe these endless television ads might seem a little more palatable.

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commie pinko time again:

Jerry Brown is now referring to gubernatorial rivals Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner as “the apostles of darkness and ignorance.” Dick Cheney and George W. Bush angrily responded, “Hey wait a minute, we patented those titles.”

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In his endorsement of her for Governor of California, Dick Cheney said ” I believe Meg Whitman can do for California what Ronald Reagan did for America.” Yeah, that’s what some of us are afraid of.

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