Archive for August 2014

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And the hits just keep on coming.

August 31, 2014

Open note to #SF49ers. You may need a DE fast, and there’s one available who’s almost certain not to hit a woman #RayMcDonald #MichaelSam

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Leaving aside the fact that domestic violence is wrong, just how stupid did the 49ers Ray MacDonald have to be? As the DE has now volunteered to be the poster child for Roger Goodell’s mea culpa.

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Meanwhile in baseball, is there some unwritten rule in 2014 that there can only be one good MLB team in the San Francisco Bay Area at a time?

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For the younger generation who never went to Disneyland in the old days, the 2014 SF Giants are defining the term “E ticket ride.”

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And for anyone who might have been nervous, no, that was Not an earthquake in San Francisco today that ground shaking was just Pablo Sandoval running out a triple.

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Baylor has unveiled a new bronze statue of Robert Griffin III. The statue is impressive, but alas expected to start breaking down in the next couple years.

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A medical marijuana farmers market in L.A. has been temporarily closed by a judge. In related news, Southern California 7-11s have slashed their orders for Doritos.

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The Indians-Royals Sunday night baseball game was suspended in the 10th inning. What’s more surprising? That umps would suspend a game that late? Or that a Cleveland-Kansas City game would be ESPN’s Sunday night choice?

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Yankees lose to Toronto Blue Jays after having a 3 run lead in the 6. The race is on to sign Derek Jeter as a postseason commentator.

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Pro-democracy activists are upset because in the 2017 election to elect Hong Kong’s leader, the powers-that-be in Beijing will approve candidates and only allow two or three on the ballot. Yes, because that is so different from the American way.

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A Colorado woman admits to texting while driving when she hit a pole that went through her car, piercing her thigh and buttocks. Talk about a well-justified pain-in-the-a**.

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Would all these critics of President Obama please tell us which war they would like him to start first?

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Cupcake factory

August 30, 2014

sun

 

Stanford Stadium, start of the second half.  The stadium was about 2/3 full. But Stanford fans  proving they are smart enough to get out of the sun.  (Shady side was SRO.)

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38 to 0 Stanford over UCDavis at half time.  45 to 0 final. Not sure if there will be a rematch. At this point Davis is probably fielding half a dozen offers for future games from teams in the SEC .

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Good for Wisconsin for playing LSU opening weekend. But the Badgers’ 4th quarter collapse probably means their long shot hopes for this year’s BCS playoffs are already done. There has to be a better way. #Toomanycupcakes

 

 

Michael Sam released by the St. Louis Rams in their final cuts.  Good news for #ESPN who can now make their story, “Same circus, different elephants.” #notrunkjokesplease

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Michael Sam’s dream isn’t over. He could still be picked up off waivers by another NFL team.  Or maybe even the Raiders.

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Rep. Peter King said that Obama’s tan suit during a press conference was a metaphor for a “lack of seriousness.” Uh, and maybe really caring about the color of the President’s suit is a metaphor for a lack of a brain?

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Ghostbusters is having their 30th anniversary weekend. So now “Who you gonna call? really means “Do you remember who you were gonna call?

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The San Antonio Spurs are amongst the teams trying to sign Ray Allen, Guess the NBA champions figure it’s time for a youth movement.

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A mom from Bremerton, Washington, was sentenced to serve at least a year in jail after her 9-year-old son took a gun to his school, and had it go off in his backpack, injuring an 8-year-old classmate. More of this kind of sentence and just MAYBE more people will be more careful with their firearms? #wecandream

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In a NY Times story about Las Vegas tourist gun ranges, a “range safety officer” is quoted as saying that more than half the tourists “haven’t seen a gun before, much less handled one. You have to ease their fears and you do that by highlighting the safety features. If they do anything wrong, you will be there to correct them.”   Yeah, that worked out so well last week.

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Cutting truth?

August 29, 2014

Joan Rivers is in a medically induced coma following cardiac arrest and at this point doctors aren’t sure if she will recover. If she doesn’t survive, however, at least they won’t need any additional embalming fluid.

 

5 cuts to go and Michael Sam is still on the #Rams roster. Of course, this would have been easier for Sam if he were drafted by a team with more arrests and suspensions.

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Hillary Clinton seems to be trying to distance herself from President Obama. Today she was saying “Don’t wear stupid suits.”

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With her first child due this fall, Chelsea Clinton has quit her reporter job. Many Americans are shocked. Chelsea Clinton had a reporter job?

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USC coach Steve Sarkisian indefinitely suspended Josh Shaw for lying, but today when asked if the star CB could be reinstated responded “”Potentially, sure. Potentially, sure.” As in potentially for the Sept 6. Stanford game?

 

The Indianapolis $tar reports that Colt$ owner Jim Ir$ay has reached a plea deal with his DUI and felony drug po$$e$$ion case. Now let’$ $ee what kind of deal Ir$ay can work out with NFL commi$$ioner Roger Goodell.

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The latest GOP attack in Louisiana is that Senator Mary Landrieu is apparently registered to vote at the New Orleans house where her parents live. Guess she have registered her address as a hotel like President George H.W. Bush, or a vacation home like Dick Cheney?

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Temple 37, Vanderbilt 7 last night? Vandy is actually part of the SEC. And looking like part of a plan where teams won’t have to go out of conference to schedule cupcakes.

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The NFL said they will not fine Ndamukong Suh for roughing Jacksonville QB Chad Henne last Friday. Guess they figure they’ll pull in enough money from Suh during the regular season.

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Tony Stewart will race again this weekend, and says that the “tragedy” of hitting Kevin Ward Jr. will “affect my life forever.” Well, it certainly affected Ward’s.

 

Ah the laws of unintended conseqences. The Satanic Temple just announced that based on the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby decision, their believers should be exempt from any state’s informed consent laws that require women considering abortions to read pro-life material.

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From Bill Littlejohn.  ” This year, Jacksonville Jaguars  season ticket holders get a half-price  concealed weapon permit deal.  I think we can all hope they don’t offer that deal to Raider fans.”

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Stirring the pot.

August 28, 2014

Dodgers LF Scott Van Slyke sprained his ankle yesterday night while playing in Arizona, and claimed it was because “They’ve got bad grass here.” Dude!   You want good grass, sign with the Colorado Rockies.

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Athletic director Pat Haden says USC officials vetted Josh Shaw’s story 12 times. Who was in charge of the investigation, O.J. Simpson? And is he still looking for the real hero?

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It’s midnight. Does anyone know where Josh Shaw’s latest story on his injury is?

 

Five Easy Pieces moment in Palo Alto: Wanting a glass of sparkling wine while waiting for a table at Delfina. Not on the menu. But but they have a Bellini. Asked nice young man if they could do prosecco. “He didn’t know what prosecco was but said no. Asked what was in Bellini. He checked and said, “peach and prosecco.” Okay, can you do prosecco? “No.” Alas, a woman coworker who overheard overruled him before I got to ask for the “Bellini, hold the Peach.”

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USC CB Josh Shaw was suspended indefinitely for lying to explain an injury, now senior RB Anthony Brown quit the Trojans saying “Can’t play for a racist MAN!!!!!”” And just guessing somewhere that Lane Kiffin is cackling.

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46 batters retired in a row. A major league baseball all-time record for Yusmeiro Petit. Your move, Kershaw? #Dodgers #SFGiants

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Vikings star RB Adrian Peterson apparently told Dallas owner Jerry Jones he would like to play for him and the Cowboys. Quick, check Peterson for concussions.

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Apple apparently will unveil iPhones with bigger screens next month. So at least when people look at their screens while walking and driving they won’t have to squint as much.

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An internal GOP poll shows that most women are “barely receptive” to Republicans and believe they are “stuck in the past.” Which no doubt will motivate many in the party – to try to repeal the 19th amendment.

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Roger Goodell, citing precedent for his two-game suspension for Ray Rice, has now announced that the NFL will suspend players and personnel six games for domestic violence, with a lifetime ban from the league for a second offense. So if it’s about precedents and rules, should the league put in writing what a first offense ban might be for say, actually killing someone?

 

An American Airlines flight from Miami to Paris was diverted to Boston over an argument over a passenger reclining his seat. If this keeps happening presumably airlines will try to prevent such issues, by making all seats non-reclining.

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Obama said at a press conference today that “we don’t have a strategy yet’ in Syria. Critics are furious, they want the President to spell out what he intends to do so they can say it is wrong.

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Joan Rivers is apparently in a medically induced coma after she stopped breathing during throat surgery. In her honor assume other comedians will rush to make inappropriate jokes?

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg. ” In Malibu, 50-year-old surfing legend, Laird Hamilton, rescued a surfer from drowning. Immediately afterward, Hamilton was offered a spot on the USC football team.”

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From T.C.  “Texas  A&M QB Kenny Hill passed for 511 yds and broke Johnny Manziel’s single game passing record tonight. In related news, the patent office says that the name Kenny Football has not yet been copyrighted.”

 

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Parent trap.

August 27, 2014

In July,  a South Carolina working  mother of a 9 year old girl was arrested for letting her daughter go to the park alone, with a cellphone, during daylight hours.   The mom was booked for “unlawful conduct towards a child. ” Anyone but me having a problem with the fact that she was charged with a crime, but we have no rules for parents who figure it’s okay to let their daughter of the same age learn to shoot an submachine gun?

 

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The story of the 9 year old girl who lost control of an Uzi and fatally shot her instructor at a shooting range outside Las Vegas has gone national. Millions of Americans are appalled. But wonder how many are thinking well, they should have started her with guns younger…

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A new survey of NFL players found that 75% said they agree with President Obama’s statement that he does not think marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol. And presumably the other 25% responded “Dude, what was that question again?”

 

 

Hurricane Cristobal and Tropical Storm Marie are creating huge waves and high surf on both coasts. Is it too soon to start a pool on the over-under for Darwin Awards?

 

Josh Shaw admitted today that he made up the story about spraining his ankles while rescuing his nephew from drowning. USC suspended him indefinitely – translation “at least the first half of the Fresno State game.” And wonder how long it will take Shaw to attempt to use the story for credit in a Creative Writing course?

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Rumors are flying that USC CB Josh Shaw actually broke his ankles in an altercation with his girlfriend, but his attorney insists “There is absolutely NO domestic violence.” And why should we doubt anything Shaw says?

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Mark your calendars. September 6, USC plays Stanford, in Palo Alto. Forget the game. The half time show should be memorable. Wonder how many members of the band will show up on crutches.

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Parents are suing a Texas day care for allegedly duct taping their fidgety toddlers to nap mats. Millions of Americans read this story and are appalled. But wonder how many others are thinking “could that be arranged with airline seats?”

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Police near Houston are looking for a man who abandoned a cellphone with a selfie on it at a 4-acre marijuana farm they recently raided.   Doesn’t do much to dispel that marijuana and short term memory issue….

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Apparently there’s a glitch in Madden 15 that makes players fly around the field like they have stepped on a land mine or something. Let’s hope this isn’t a trial balloon for the NFL trying to increase viewship numbers.

 

ESPN now regrets’ the SportsCenter report Michael Sam that focused on shower habits. More like they regret finding out that most Americans are considerably more mature on the subject than the network is….

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The NFL upheld Josh Gordon’s year-long suspension for using marijuana and violating the league’s substance-abuse policy. So the message is clear to young men, if you get stressed, put down the joint and take it out on your girlfriend.

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A man has lost his $34,000 suit against British Airways after he and his partner were flown to Grenada in the Caribbean instead of Granada in Spain. He claims he asked the airline for the correct city and didn’t notice the mistake until he was on the connecting flight from London. Uh, and he didn’t notice the flight time as several hours from England to what he thought would be Spain? #cantfixstupid

 

 

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We don’t need another (fake) hero?

August 27, 2014

Theories abound as to how exactly #USC star Josh Shaw broke his ankles. One thing for sure, since the Trojans play in Palo Alto Sept 6, the Stanford band is working overtime.

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Great story about USC star CB Josh Shaw injuring his ankles by leaping from balcony to save his 7-year-old nephew from drowning. Except now have heard a rumor that it was just that, a story. Only good thing if this disappointing rumor is true – I don’t have to make an exception and root for a Trojan player.

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Another thought about this unraveling “hero” story involving USC star Josh Shaw. Leaving aside the moral issues, how does any young man in this plugged-in 24/7 era think that you can lie about ANYTHING when you’re in the public eye and get away with it? And some wonder where athletes get their #dumbjock reputations.

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My son says #Traveler is no longer the biggest #Trojanhorse at #USC. #JoshShaw

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The tortured turf saga at the SF 49ers new Levi’s Stadium continues, as the grass has had to be ripped out and replaced again. Who designed this field, the Marquis de Sod?

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Got to love Rams DE #ChrisLong, tweeting in response to ridiculous ESPN #MichaelSam shower story. “Dear ESPN, Everyone but you is over it.”

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The Chicago Cubs are going to call up Cuban outfielder Jorge Soler. Which will be one step closer to Soler’s dream of playing for a major league team.

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In Arizona, a nine-year old girl accidentally shot and killed the instructor who was teaching her how to use an Uzi. I’m guessing the girl didn’t get a passing grade. #ifonlyhehadbeenarmed.

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NFL Nation Confidential asked over 100 players “The only way I’d play for (team name) is if they doubled my salary. The Raiders “won” with 23% followed by the Bills at 19%. Of course that might be because many players forgot there was a team in Buffalo.

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Apparently some are screaming sexism for an Emmy awards bit when Sofia Vergara stood on a rotating pedestal doing nothing but looking sexy during a speech from the chair of the Television Academy. Really?! But okay, it would be fair next year to use the pedestal for George Clooney.

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This story over passengers being kicked off a plane for a fight over a device to keep a seat from reclining is going viral. United meanwhile is no doubt figuring out how to optimize revenue from the situation in future – perhaps they’ll have passengers bid to see how much it’s worth to recline a seat, and how much to keep the seat in front of you upright?

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So Warren Buffett is involved in this potential Burger King – Tim Horton inversion deal. Since Buffett also advocates for higher taxes and closing loopholes once this deal gets done will he call for changing the tax rules afterwards?

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The swing’s the thing?

August 25, 2014

Tiger Woods has parted ways with another swing coach. Wonder when Tiger will figure out – it’s not his swing coach.

 

Swing coach Sean Foley said his split with Tiger Woods was “amicable.” Well, duh, does anyone think Tiger is stupid enough to anger someone who knows how to wield a golf club?

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Congresswoman Jackie Speier has introduced a bill to eliminate the deadline for ERA ratification, as it fell 3 states short in 1982. Would be nice to have it finally adopted. Although these days it sometimes feels like a number of states wouldn’t ratify the 19th amendment.

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Burger King is thinking of buying Canadian doughnut maker Tim Horton’s, so they can do an inversion and declare themselves a Canadian company for tax purposes. So where are the cries of patriotism from flag-waving conservatives on this one?

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Airline logic at its finest again. United has equipped many of its flights with wi-fi, but no power outlets. And the wi-fi fee is per flight, not per hour…..

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A good thing that journalist Peter Theo Curtis was released. Who’d ever think we’d say “luckily his kidnappers were only Al-Qaida.”

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Two phrases #SFGiants fans would like to see retired in 2014. “Fill-in-the-blank pitcher just had his best outing of the year against the Giants” And “worst loss of the season.”

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The Napa quake damaged some wineries while many escaped unscathed. But wonder who will be the first to bottle “VERY blended wines.”

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The NFL gave Brandon Meriweather for the first two games of the season for another helmet-to-helmet hit. He can’t be at the team’s facility or have any contact with team personnel from Sept. 1-15. And presumably stay out of casino elevators?

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New York CB Dimitri Patterson has now been suspended by the Jets, who apparently weren’t happy with his explanation as to why he was AWOL for 48 hours. Another example of why education matters. Seems like Patterson could have used creative writing and/or drama courses.

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All shook up?

August 25, 2014

Today’s Napa quake injured over 100 people, but CNN host Ana Cabrera said it was “heartbreaking” to see images of broken wine bottles. And hey, maybe if Trader Joe’s lost all their inventory it would have been a wasted $100 worth of Two-Buck-Chuck.

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But the much-derided and plumbing-challenged O.Co Coliseum appears to have received no damage in today’s Northern California quake. But thinking fans for tonight’s ESPN Sunday Night Baseball As vs Angels game had to be crossing their fingers when they flushed the toilets.

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Former Redskins QB Joe Theismann last night said that Kirk Cousins has been a better quarterback than RGIII. Has to be a relief in some way for Washington. A potential controversy that doesn’t center around their name.

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Only  good news Sunday for Northern California baseball fans – the Dodgers pitching did a pretty good job of trying to out suck the #SFGiants bullpen today.

 

Sony said today their PlayStation Network was targeted in a attack. Shocking. As in anyone thought it was worth attacking?

 

#NYJets cornerback Dimitri Patterson, who had disappearedfor 48 hours, is apparently safe and sound and ready to play . Jets fans wish the same could be said for the rest of the team’s offense.

 

 

 

 

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Told by an idiot

August 24, 2014

Did Shakespeare envision NFL preseason football when he wrote “sound and fury, signifying nothing?”

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A chef in China decapitated a rare Indochinese spitting cobra to make a snake soup, and the severed head bit him with a fatal dose of venom. Now that’s “Die Hard, with a Vengeance.”

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Why there is no satire? A young woman who won the title of Miss Antioquia was stripped of her crown and kicked out of the Miss Colombia pageant after online pictures showed her in an overly skimpy bikini. As opposed to the skimpy bikini which she was supposed to wear in the pageant?

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Bud Selig when asked about what he will do about Pete Rose “I’m going to do what I think is right.” What, no blue ribbon committee?

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Congratulations to the Chicago Little League team for getting to the LLWS finals. Who knows if they can beat South Korea tomorrow. But Vegas already has them favored in a hypothetical matchup with the Cubs.

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Minnesota scored 32 against Detroit in two games. Time for the Tigers to fire their defensive coordinator?

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The Oakland Athletics are checking out the possibility of building a new stadium on their Coliseum site. Sounds good, but as far as where they play while they’re building, has anyone thought about holding off on pushing that plunger at Candlestick.

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Bud Selig, dodging a question about Pete Rose. “You are always concerned about integrity. A sport without integrity is not a sport.” And over at the BCS they’re just giggling.

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From my funny friend Jim Barach  – “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

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The Pentagon is complaining that in 2014 there have been at least 4 times that a Chinese warplane has buzzed U.S. military aircraft. The Chinese Defense Ministry said the criticism is “totally groundless.” Would they have preferred the US made Asian driver jokes?

 

 

 

Michael Sam sacked Johnny Manziel tonight. In what must have been a very tough moment for anyone who was both tired of Johnny Football’s act and a homophobe.

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But was the sack enough to keep Michael on the team?  So that we can all write the headline  “Sam I Ram.”

 

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Sleepless in SF Giants uniforms?

August 22, 2014

Money can buy a lot of things, but not travel karma. #SFGiants finished game last night in Chicago about 11p, went to airport for just over 1 hour charter flight. But lightning meant bags could not be loaded, and then additional wait on tarmac for storms to pass. They arrived to DC hotel this a.m. at 615a. On the other hand, maybe being #SleeplessinSF made the team stronger…

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Go figure, a team on a 10 game win streak against a team with no sleep.  10-3 SF Giants over the Washington Nationals.  Maybe SF  is just a bunch of nocturnals.

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Another sign that Rory McIlroy has been anointed the new Tiger Woods. All the headlines are not about who’s leading, but about how far Rory is off the pace.

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Apparently the Buffalo Bills are having so many pre-season intra-squad fights that coach Doug Marrone blew up at his players yesterday. This is shocking to Bills fans who didn’t think their team could hit anybody.

 

Not that Obama’s perfect.. But then there’s Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX), who said this week that the President can’t protect the U.S. from ISIS because “if you’re Commander-in-Chief you can’t be listening to Muslim brother advice on when it’s time to stop destroying Muslim brothers.”

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The Saints’ Jimmy Graham was fined $30,000 for dunking over the goalposts after two TDs last weekend. So the New Orleans tight end would have saved money had he just flipped off his defenders twice.

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North Texas, SMU and Troy University will start selling beer at football games this year, bringing the total of on-campus stadiums with beer sales to 21. Apparently schools that have already changed the policy haven’t reported an increase in bad behavior. Maybe because if fans could buy a beer in the stadium they wouldn’t feel the need to chug several of them pre-game

 

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She’s SO past her 15 minutes: V. Stiviano is now claiming Donald Sterling is gay and that she was just his beard during their relationship. Right, because if you really need a beard if you are a prominent conservative gay man who isn’t married. Oops,never mind.

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TSA at SFO says they have over 20,000 items left behind at checkpoints just this year, including a wheelchair. Thinking if someone claims that chair maybe they need their disabled placard taken away.

 

 

Johnny Manziel was fined $12,000 for his one-finger salute to the Washington bench. So about half the fine as if he had done something TRULY offensive, like wearing the wrong brand of socks.

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This Rick Perry indictment stems from trying to remove Rosemary Lehmberg. a Texas DA, from office after a DUI arrest. And Perry believes he was “lawful, legal and right” to do so. Okay, fair enough. But there have been two other Texas DAs arrested for DUI while Perry has been governor (Rick Harrison in 2009, and Terry McEachern in 2003), and he didn’t have a problem with them. Nor for that matter do I remember the Governor complaining about the DUI’s of Dick Cheney and George W. Bush.

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A University of Denver study found that couples who had wedding ceremonies with 150+ guests were much happier than couples in the study who had 50 guests or fewer. Maybe because after dealing with that many friends and relatives, your mate seems pretty sane by comparison.

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The NCAA denied Dorial Green-Beckham’s request to play football at Oklahoma immediately after transferring. The star WR was kicked off Missouri’s team after two marijuana arrests and allegedly pushing another Missouri student down at least four stairs. Well makes, sense, Green-Beckman doesn’t sound ready for college football, he sounds ready for the NFL.

 

From Jim Barach:  “A new app tells the user how much time they are spending on their smartphone. Which is probably too much if you need an app to tell you how much time you are spending on your smartphone.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:   In London, Big Ben just had its clock cleaned. But Buckingham Palace said not to worry, it’s just the preseason.

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Ice bucket lists.

August 21, 2014

Obama says he has donated to ALS research but declined to participate in the #Icebucketchallenge. For which some are criticizing him. Had the President joined in, however, he would have been criticized for not acting presidential, or for wasting water…..

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The Nationals have won 10 games in a row. Finally, something in Washington that won’t be blamed on Obama.

 

 

Twinkies have returned to store shelves but Hostess says they are closing one of the four bakeries that make them. Well, suppose they’ve probably baked at least a 10 year supply by now anyway.–

 

 

 

Bud Selig, while he was in Oakland this week said that the increasingly slow pace of baseball games “drives me crazy.” Meanwhile, he had nothing to report on his “Blue Ribbon Committee” for the potential As move to San Jose, which Selig formed in 2009….

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The Pittsburgh Steelers top two RBs, Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount, will both be charged with marijuana possession following a traffic stop. No word on their punishment but wonder when the NFLPA will start pushing for all training camps to be in Colorado and Washington?

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Missouri RNC executive director Matt Wills is outraged about reports of voter registration booths in Ferguson. “If that’s not fanning the political flames, I don’t know what is. I think it’s not only disgusting but completely inappropriate.” Actually it seems very appropriate. Whichever “side” you’re on, voting seems more productive than just protesting.

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From my funny friend, Jerry Perisho. “The SF Giants won a protest over their rain-shortened loss to the Chicago Cubs; so the game will be resumed today.. Meanwhile, the Cubs filed a protest requesting that each of their games over the last 106 years be replayed.”

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Nice family values defense for former Virginia governor Bob McDonnell in his corruption trial – it’s all my wife’s fault.

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Thursday,  Bank of America announced they have reached a $16.65 billion agreement, the biggest settlement in history, for allegedly misleading the buyers of mortgage-backed bonds. Friday I assume the bank will announce that checking fees are going up.

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Pete Rose is hoping for a “second chance” from MLB as they change commissioners. Here’s a simple solution. Keep Rose from ever working in baseball again, but put him in the HOF.. Not like it’s exactly a Hall of Saints.

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So the 49ers have replaced some loose sod in their new Levi’s stadium that apparently was causing players to slip. So does this mean the team thinks the Broncos, who won 34-0 in last Sunday’s preseason game, just had better cleats?

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Why there is no satire. 50 Cent gave Floyd Mayweather an ice bucket alternative, to read one page of a ‘Harry Potter’ book in exchange for $750,000 to a charity of Mayweather’s choice. 50 Cent meant it as an English as a Second Language reading taunt, but he called it an ALS/ELS challenge….

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry said that “although we have no clear evidence”, there’s a ‘very real possibility’ that “because of the condition of the border, from the standpoint of it not being secure and us not knowing who is penetrating across, that individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be entering the U.S.” As opposed to all those who have entered the U.S. legally and/or were home grown?

 

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T.C. says the dreaded SI  jinx may have come into play for a 13 year old Little League pitcher? Mo’Ne Davis’s  team was eliminated with two losses in a row after they put her on the cover.

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Cold shoulders, etc.

August 20, 2014

George W. Bush has taken the #ALSicebucketchallenge and challenged Bill Clinton to do the same. And Bill responded “Take the Ice bucket challenge? I’ve been married to her for 39 years?
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Sarah Palin, still annoyed at Tina Fey: “You need to at least pay for my kids’ braces or something from all the money that you made off of pretending that you’re me! My goodness, you capitalized on that” But what about all the money Palin has made pretending that she’s a serious politician?

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The father of a Texas teenager who escaped jail due to his “affluenza” defense, has now himself been arrested for impersonating a police officer. (Dad allegedly threatened a neighbor, then presented fake credentials to that neighbor and the real police.) Guess this apple didn’t swagger far from the tree
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According to Forbes, the Dallas Cowboys are the most valuable NFL time, worth $3.2 billion. Gosh. Can you imagine how much the team would be worth if they ever had some revenue from the playoffs.

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CNN headline: Iceland’s Bardarbunga volcano rumbles, could threaten air travel. The volcano hasn’t erupted yet, and last erupted in 1910. But the network is already so excited about another potential plane story…..

So in the 4th inning, it was not yet an official game, but 8-2 for the SF Giants. Wonder if Cubs ground crew thought about turning on the sprinklers?

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#HunterPenceSigns Hunter Pence knows how to unroll a bleeping tarp #Tarpgate #Wrigley #SFGiants #Cubs

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#NotTheOnion – John Shea reports that #Cubs grounds crew was watering the field at #Wrigley today. #TarpGate

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Philadelphia pitcher A.J. Burnett says he is thinking of retiring after the season. As opposed to the rest of the Phillies, who called it quits before the All-Star break.

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Headline for today “Is Rick Perry sunk for 2016?” This assumes he was ever afloat.

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Tarp Gate

August 19, 2014

wrigley

They took so long to announce fate of #SFGiants #Cubs game at Wrigley, figure Bud Selig has a Blue Ribbon committee deciding it.

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If the #SFGiants lose a playoff spot by one game will some other team vote a playoff share to the #Cubs ground crew?

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Tuesday  night’s rain delay lasted longer than the Cubs 2014 playoffs hopes.

 

 

Uber has introduced “Uber Corner Store” a new trial service offering on-demand fast delivery of medicine, toiletries and other products. Thinking this could be a very popular business in Colorado.

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New Orleans plays Cleveland on September 14.  After last night’s salute Saints’ defenders won’t need bounties to want to knock Manziel’s head off.

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Okay, heaven knows I am not a Seahawks fan. But just have to wonder the reaction if instead of Johnny Manziel flipping the bird at the opposing bench last night, it had been Richard Sherman.

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If the MLB season ended today, for the first time since 1993, neither the #RedSox nor #Yankees would be in the playoffs. Tragic, really.

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Ohio State star QB Braxton Miller reinjured his right, throwing shoulder yesterday in practice and may miss his senior season. The poor kid may have nothing to do this year but go to class.

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Former American Idol contestant William Hung just got married. Just guessing no one asked him to sing at his own wedding.

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Soccer star Luis Suarez stated today “I will not bite again.” Wonder if besides playing for Barcelona if Suarez is auditioning for a part in that A T & T Vampire movie commercial….

 

Who knows whether this Rick Perry indictment over trying to force a D.A. to resign from office will amount to anything. But somewhere in NJ Chris Christie has to be thinking “Couldn’t you have just closed one of her bridges or something?”

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British cyclist Jonathan Tiernan-Locke, banned for two years, says he did not blood dope but instead blamed his abnormal results on dehydration from an “alcoholic binge” with his girlfriend while celebrating his new Team Sky contract, drinking the equivalent of about a liter of vodka. The story didn’t work, but even if it had, guessing the team might have terminated him anyway for the stupidity.

 

The Cleveland Browns say they are not ready to name a starting QB. Well, the best of them yesterday was clearly Connor Shaw. 8 of 9 for 123 yards and a touchdown.

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So what do you get if you cross Tebowing and Manzieling?   A one-fingered prayer?  But no touchdowns.

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Can the #SFGiants borrow #JohnnyManziel to salute the #WrigleyField grounds crew?

 

The Wall St Journal has reported that the NFL is asking potential acts for the 2015 halftime show to PAY the league for the privllege of performing. And what if they don’t? The league will just have to raise ticket, hot dog and beer prices? #noshame

 

 

 

Bud Selig, whose Blue Ribbon committee on the Oakland A’s moving to San Jose never ruled in 5 plus years, talking today about how the team needs a new ballpark “This is always something I wanted to get resolved before I leave office, which is another 5½ or six months.” Gosh, and Selig said it with a straight face.

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Puffs and magic.

August 19, 2014

Apparently after the Milwaukee Mile Indycar race the winner is awarded Cream Puffs and it often turns into a food fight. This year, the winner, WIll Power, had to have his ear irrigated after some of the smashed pastry ended up causing a blockage. It was the most unexpected sports drama involving a cream puff since Georgia Southern beat Florida.

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For Sports analyst John Lynch, talking about Alex Smith “The guy is up there with the Peyton Mannings, the Drew Brees … ” So has Lynch been on recent road trips to Colorado or Washington?
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Some national sport headlines about the SEC getting 8 teams in the pre-season AP top 25 football poll. But the conference was hoping for all 14.

(Mark Simon says, “Some of the conference’s top players heard the news and thought :Wow! That’s almost half!”)

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Former Senator Jim Jeffords, 80, has passed away. He was once considered one of the most liberal Republicans. A creature known to the younger generation as only slightly rarer than a flying pig.

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Apparently Burger King’s is phasing out “Satisfries” a healthier french fry option, which had 20% fewer calories and 25% less fat than regular fries. Guess Satisfries weren’t a hit with the people who go to Burger King for health food- both of them.
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#JohnnyManziel gave the finger to Washington bench tonight. Showing that his maturity on the field matches his maturity off of it. #Browns
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President Obama, on the situation in Ferguson. “We should seek understanding rather than holler at each other.” And if that works, can they send the recipe to Congress?

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Yahoo Sports says the #NYYankees have the hardest remaining schedule of any playoff contender. Something that the team and ESPN would like to change. Only six games against the Boston Red Sox…..

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Orlando investigators say they have broken up a major trafficking ring that had shipped over 500 pounds of marijuana this year from California to hotels near Sea World and Disney World, where the pot was then sent to stash houses for distribution. Sort of puts a new slant on the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander and his girlfriend supermodel Kate Upton are two of the latest to douse each other with ice water for the ALS #icebucketchallenge. Wonder how much money they could raised had Kate volunteered to wear a sheer white t-shirt?

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Scoring and not scoring

August 17, 2014

Okay, so who had the #SFGiants outscoring the #49ers today?

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Did #49ers try to avoid postgame traffic mess by playing in a way to encourage fans to leave early? #LevisStadium

So will the #49ers announce their starting QB by the third game of the #NFL preseason?

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Inside Laguna Coast Wilderness Park, in Southern California, park rangers discovered a marijuana farm with about 4,000 plants. After waiting two weeks to see if the farmers returned, they chopped down the plants and hauled them away. Two weeks? That was plenty of time to make a deal with Colorado.

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A 22-year-old Texas woman told police that she stole a $3.99 bottle of wine and drank it in public so she would get arrested and be able to see her boyfriend in jail. Might we have unanimous agreement across the country that this woman should have free birth control?

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In Los Angeles, officials plan to start a pilot program that will make ballots into lottery tickets, with cash prizes of up to $50,000. Critics worry that the idea will lead to people voting for cash with no knowledge of the candidates. As opposed to voting for free with no knowledge of the candidates?

SF Giants and Los Angeles Dodgers seem to be playing a rotating game of “Hot Potato” with the Division title.

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Michigan natives and Olympic gold medalists Charlie White and Meryl Davis were grand marshals for Sunday’s Pure Michigan 400. But they were booed for their “Drivers, start your engines” rendition. Gosh, with all the overlap between NASCAR and ice skating fans, who saw this coming?

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A 62 year old woman who has been trying to stowaway on planes for months, and finally made it onboard a Southwest flight, was released 3 days into her 117 day jail sentence due to Los Angeles jail overcrowding. Since she’ll no doubt try to be back on a plane in a week, maybe some airline should just hire her. She’d be friendlier (and younger) than some flight attendants
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All this drama over preseason #NFL football. If it actually meant anything teams would charge regular season prices for tickets.
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Tweet of the day from an expert on the U.S. legal system. “Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted by a LIB DEM special prosecutor for doing his job. I’ve been there, done that. This is the same tactic that Vladimir Putin uses to eliminate his political opponents. Thanks, Mr. Obama.” The tweeter? Oliver North.

Understand that U.S. government spending is an issue. But still hard to fathom how many people who want spending cuts for welfare and foreign aid think that somehow the $$$ won’t count if we spend it, again, to try to stabilize Iraq.

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Finally, from T.C. “The Super Bowl Champion Seattle Seahawks were lucky their plane landed in Denver for tonight’s preseason game vs The Broncos. Throughout the flight; the players kept chanting “Omaha, Omaha!”.

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Johnny Come Lately

August 17, 2014

Cleveland Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel said he was late for a team meeting last week because he misread a change in the schedule. Good thing Manziel doesn’t have to read anything complicated for his job, like a playbook.

 

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Der Spiegel, a German magazine is reporting that Germany’s foreign intelligence agency eavesdropped on calls by John Kerry and Hillary Clinton. At this point does anyone think we’re not all spying on each other?

 

Westboro Baptist Church is apparently planning a protest outside Robin Williams’ funeral. Where is Kiss’s Gene Simmons when you really need him?

 

 

Rumors are that Beyonce and Jay Z are heading toward divorce. What’s really scary? More Americans are better informed on this possible split than they are about things like Ebola and ISIS/ISIL.

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So it’s “news” that Jessa Duggar is engaged. She’s a “star” on “19 and counting.” Wonder if Andy Warhol figured that someday you’d get more than 15 minutes because your parents decided to have a litter

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A pregnant Texas woman was focused on registering her son for pre-kindergarten that she ended up delivering her fourth child at the school. Wonder if she pre-registered the new baby while she was at it?

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The worst thing about Texas Governor #RickPerry being indicted: Molly Ivins isn’t still alive to write about it.

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A 16 year old Virginia girl is in stable condition after being shot by her father, a sheriff’s deputy who mistook her for an intruder. So how do you stop a good guy with a gun?

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Coach Brian Kelly expressed “shock” and disappointment” over the Notre Dame football academic scandal. Shock and disappointment over the cheating, or the getting caught?

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From Stewart Mandel’s column on the academic suspensions at Notre Dame – “the investigation is still unfolding and could prove much uglier….The school felt compelled to notify the NCAA and has already acknowledged the possibility of having to vacate wins from previous seasons.” So could Stanford end up finally winning that 2012 game where Stepfan Taylor should have had a TD?

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The Detroit Tigers gave away 10,000 Miguel Cabrera bobbleheads last night. Which celebrated him as the NL MVP. Well, at least the bobblehead didn’t refer to him as Melky Cabrera….

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How many reasons?

August 15, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, was indicted on two charges relating to his efforts to force the resignation of a local district attorney. Wonder if the prosecutor couldn’t think of a third charge?

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Mo’Ne Davis threw a two-hit shutout for Philadelphia at Little League World Series today. Wonder how long it will take her to get a try-out with the Phillies.

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Police at Madrid’s airport arrested a 43-year-old woman for allegedly trying to smuggle to 3.7 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. What was their first clue? Really REALLY perky breasts?

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Notre Dame says they expect to suspend four football players, who allegedly violated the university’s honor code by receiving improper help on classwork. Many other college football players are shocked. Notre Dame players have classwork?

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Apparently Roger Goodell is now claiming he wanted to suspend Ray Rice for more than two games but didn’t feel he could do so due to precedent. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

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NY Mets manager Terry Collins says he told Matt Harvey, who he thought was working too hard on his rehab, to “back off” and that Harvey’s season is over. Makes sense. So is the Mets’.

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The man who invented the “pop-up” ad in the 90s has now apologized for creating it. Shouldn’t we blame Al Gore too, since he invented the internet?

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Saints’ tight end Jimmy Graham was flagged twice tonight for dunking over the goalposts after a touchdown. Maybe New Orleans should just practice kickoffs from the 20 yard line. #nofunleague

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Johnny Manziel was “a few minutes” late to a team meeting Monday morning. Wonder what his excuse was. Hard to believe Johnny found something to keep him up late Sunday night in Cleveland.

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From Bill Littlejohn  “On Browns’ management saying they will handle Manziel’s tardiness internally ‘In other words, next time he’ll have to produce a note from his bartender.'”

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#NYYankees have lost 5 games in a row. Stand by for the #ESPN special on how #DerekJeter is coping through this difficult time.

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KC Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe has been suspended one game for a violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy. One game. This after a November marijuana arrest that was dismissed after Bowe pleaded guilty to littering and “defective equipment.” So he tossed away a lousy joint and didn’t inhale?

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Paul McCartney played the last concert at Candlestick Park last night. Although many of the nearly 50,000 with tickets couldn’t even get into the old stadium due to traffic, and it took fans hours to get out. So yes, memories of the Beatles and memories of why blowing the place up is overdue.

In San Jose, officers fatally shot a bipolar 19-year- old woman who had called police saying she was armed with “an Uzi” and would shoot her family if the cops didn’t come. The woman turned out to be carrying… a cordless power drill. Now, I’m sure we’ll learn more about this incident, but have to wonder, with all the stories about the easy availability of guns, doesn’t this make police- and everyone else- more likely to shoot because we believe everyone, even the crazies, are armed?

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All that glitters?

August 14, 2014

The prosecution in Bob McDonnell’s trial has rested. They said the former Viriginia Governor and his wife took over $165,000 in illegal gifts. And down in Louisiana they’re thinking “Amateurs.”

 

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So now apparently MLB owners have elected Rob Manfred as their new commissioner. Which means Selig only has one more major task on his to-do list – how to expand the playoffs enough in 2014 to get Jeter in.

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Apparently there was lot of behind the scenes drama in the voting for a new MLB commissioner.  Wonder how long it took until Bud Selig suggested “Oh, okay then, I’ll just stay on for a few more years?”

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Tiger Woods says he has taken himself out of consideration for a possible Ryder Cup pick. In related news, Brett Favre has taken himself out of consideration for the Packers’ starting QB position.

(and it was almost like when I told George Clooney no. The poor man is clearly making a rebound marriage.)

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A Flybe airlines flight from Birmingham to Belfast apparently made a hard landing this past February when the pilot’s prosthetic lower arm became detached just before touchdown. No one was injured. But many will say it’s a reminder that all airline pilots should be armed.

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Los Angeles won again today, 6-4 over the Braves, despite an Atlanta comeback. But for SF Giants fans, a little memory of torture in the 8th inning: Brian Wilson 0.2 innings, 3 hits, 3 earned runs……Hope Dodger fans are stocking up on beer and Valium.

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Oops, you think you made a stupid mistake at work: On July 30 at an Australian hospital someone faxed the wrong form to doctors and medical staff about patients who were discharged from the hospital. The forms said they had died.

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The original crew of the Love Boat is reuniting to christen Princess’s new ship the Regal Princess. And presumably they’ll be singing “Love, exciting and new. Come aboard, we would have been expecting you, if we could remember who you are again…..”

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Hal Steinbrenner says he is “confident” his team will make the playoffs, but that NY has “got to step it up.” But looking like the only “stepping up” the Yankees will be doing this October will be on the Stairmaster at resorts in Hawaii.

 

 

Everett Colson will be Notre Dame’s starting QB again this year. A year after what the senior was suspended for what he himself called “”poor academic judgment.” And in the SEC players are asking “what’s academic judgment?”

 

 

At New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure, a Iraq war veteran says he was turned away for wearing a shirt supporting the Marine Reconnaissance Foundation. The shirt reads “Keep Calm and Return Fire” and has a picture of a red, white and blue M-16 rifle (He was told to take the shirt off or cover it, and declined.) Maybe if he wanted to wear a picture of a gun the guy should have gone to a Six Flags in Florida or Texas?

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Fast times?

August 13, 2014

Washington Nationals outfielder Jayson Werth has been charged with reckless driving for doing 105 mph in a 55 mph zone in Virginia’s Fairfax County. Locals are shocked. With D.C. area traffic, they didn’t think there was anywhere you could get going that fast..

(Meanwhile in Los Angeles the Dodgers are thinking “Nobody tell Puig”)

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Justin Bieber avoided a DUI conviction by pleading guilty today to misdemeanor charges of careless driving and resisting arrest stemming from his run in with Miami Beach police this January. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Bieber’s next arrest?
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Apparently Kim, Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian think someone working on their TV show has been stealing jewelry and cash from their homes, and are saying if the thief isn’t caught they won’t film season 10 of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” Which could be the biggest incentive ever for lazy police work.

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White Sox announcer Hawk Harrelson, after a play was overturned for the Chicago catcher blocking the plate, and the SF Giants went on to score 7 runs in the inning. “Next thing you know we’ll have catchers wearing skirts out there.” Wonder if SF Giants fans can take up a collection to have Hunter Pence wear a skirt on Friday night.

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OK, so the plate blocking rule needs tweaking & it gave the #SFGiants a run today against the #Whitesox. But it didn’t give them the next 6.

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Airline customer service at its finest. American Airlines offers a traveler a $500 voucher to take a later flight. He accepts. Certificate can be redeemed by phone, where AA has a ticketing charge. Or at an AA ticket office. Except the airline has closed their ticket offices. Only humans who can issue ticket are at the airports.

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An American woman and her boyfriend were arrested when the body of the woman’s mother was found stuffed inside a suitcase at the St. Regis in Bali. What was the couple thinking? They’d have never gotten the suitcase on a plane without serious overweight baggage charges.

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Rush Limbaugh yesterday suggested that Robin Williams committed suicide because of his “leftist world view.” “What is the left’s world view in general?” “If you had to attach, not a philosophy, but an attitude to a leftist world view. It’s one of pessimism, and darkness, sadness. They’re never happy, are they?” Annie Savoy in Bull Durham got it right – “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness.”

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Edward Snowden, interviewed on returning to the U.S. “I told the government I’d volunteer for prison, as long as it served the right purpose. I care more about the country than what happens to me.” And then Snowden presumably returned to his project of trying to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to the Russians.

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Rand Paul was asked to name one word for when he thinks of Chris Christie. His answer “Bridges.” Wonder if Paul will try to get Simon and Garfunkel at a campaign event.

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After a reported two-month long investigation, three women in Redwood City massage parlors were arrested today or alleged solicitation of prostitution, pimping and pandering. Because there’s so little crime in Northern California that police have nothing better to do?

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Tried a new hair gloss and decided actually to read the directions. “Caution. For external use only.” Wow, glad I saw that…

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They had it all

August 13, 2014

Two things that might be all the younger generation needs to know about Lauren Bacall who passed away today at 89. She was considered one of the sexiest women alive, without selfies, wardrobe malfunctions or sex tapes. And she was on People Magazine’s 50 most beautiful list. At the age of 72.

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And yes, youngsters, “just like Bogie and Bacall” was a real thing. Not just a song verse. #LaurenBacall. And they both were hot.

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Kate Upton used to be a NY Yankees fan, now she is dating Justin Verlander. But the Yankees are telling her she can’t wear any Tigers gear in the stadium. It’s that kind of generosity of spirit that has made the Yankees so beloved outside the Bronx.

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Great line from Alex Kaseberg  “Well, the good news, amid the interminable sadness, is no comedian is going to die for a long time. Nobody in their right mind would try to follow Robin Williams.”

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So maybe after an open mike night in Heaven, Robin Williams is looking down and thinking about some of the things he will miss in San Francisco. The Giants seem to be trying hard not to be one of them.

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But on a brief serious note, this is originally a friend’s idea but the #SFGiants should have an annual #RobinWilliams mental health day at AT&T. 

The Giants could fundraise with silent auctions of autographed stuff, and requests for donations. And in general try also to raise awareness.  Like they do for other diseases.  I think Robin would approve.

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Back to snark.  Because doesn’t comedy come from pain. It’s not that the #SFGiants looked  bad against Chris Sale, an All-Star. It’s them making any rookie or journeyman pitcher look like an All-Star

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#SFGiants are 7-22 in their last 29 home games but San Francisco still has the longest sell-out streak still in Major League Baseball.  Well, not hard to guess where #50ShadesofGrey will have its biggest opening weekend.

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Shares of King Digital, the publisher of the Candy Crush mobile game, are down 20% after missing revenue projections. Wonder how big that fall is in “Level” terms.

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The Secret Service says it finally caught the gang behind the most convincing U.S. counterfeit dollars in the world. Well, the most convincing dollars that we KNOW are counterfeit.

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NASCAR driver Brad Keselowski said it would be almost impossible for NASCAR to keep drivers from exiting their cars on the track, even with a new rule forbidding it except in case of possible fire. Uh, suspension for the next race? Problem solved.

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The NFL gave Cowboys CB Orlando Scandrick a 4 game suspension for testing positive for Ecstasy. Scandrick’s defense is that his ex-girlfriend persuaded him to add something he didn’t realize was on the banned list into a cocktail. Amazing. All these guys somehow manage to memorize a playbook, but they can’t keep track of a simple list of drugs

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Facebook message. “add your phone number to help secure your account.” Right, and of course FB would never use your phone number in any way for marketing etc…..

 

 

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