World Series jokes | Left Coast Sports Babe

Posted tagged ‘World Series jokes’

Post season.

October 29, 2012

What was this stupid game played by men in tights on TV Monday night and where is my baseball?

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Oops, technology. Just got an email from Stubhub this morning “San Francisco Giants Postseason Tickets in a Flash – Head to StubHub.com. We wanted to give you a heads up that seats are still available.” Well, no doubt game 6 and 7 tickets are cheap…..

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Over 5 million are now without power. 5,000,050 if you count the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers.

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Pablo Sandoval, World Series MVP?! So does this mean tacos may be declared a PED?

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Hmm, used this joke Saturday, and Jay Leno used almost the same one tonight. ” Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.” (But of course they still don’t think they need any female freelancers.)

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A line going around the internet (don’t know who wrote it) is that they should have renamed the storm Hurricane A-Rod, then it wouldn’t have hit anyone.

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So much for the country pulling together: The Fed. Govt. is closed for at least 2 days, which may delay the Oct. jobs report. Iowa GOP Rep. Chuck Grassley tweets “Labor Dept says may release latest Unemployment figures until after election. Par for course. Why release something might hurt Obama elect?” Right, clearly the President conjured up Sandy for this purpose.

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Chris Christie is praising President Obama for his response so far to Hurricane Sandy. Nice bipartisan statement. And makes sense – I am sure Christie would rather run against Hillary, Biden or Cuomo in 2016 rather than an incumbent Romney.

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N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said evacuations are no longer possible, and rescuers won’t be sent out “until daylight tomorrow.” Translation – “Okay idiots, we’ll pick you or your bodies up in the morning.”

(Added Nick Coombs, “Attention New Jersey residents. In case of emergency your governor may be used as a floatation device.)

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The HMS Bounty, built as a replica tall ship to be used in movies, has sunk off the N.C. coast. Tragic for the two missing crew members but going out in hurricane conditions had to be the dumbest decision since Captain Bligh figured he could handle an angry Fletcher Christian.

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49ers fans were glad that their Monday Night Football game was played in Arizona and thus avoided a Hurricane Sandy postponement. New York Jets fans are just wishing Sandy had shown up yesterday morning.

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For anyone who doesn’t believe in voodoo, this from ESPN: “Oct. 9 in Cincinnati. Giants trailed, 2 games to 0 in NLDS. And then, with their entire season on the line, they picked THAT night to get no-hit into the 6th, to get 1 hit in the first 9 innings, to strike out 16 times — and they WON. In extra innings. On an unearned run.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Hurricane Sandy jokes, Janice Hough, Sandy jokes, SF Giants jokes, voodoo jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Zero.

October 29, 2012

Timing is everything: Tonight marks the SF Giants first seven game winning streak of 2012.

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The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions in four games. I blame Obama.

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New York Yankees are trying to figure out how to buy San Francisco.

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Last thought for the night: San Francisco Giants fans are not going to wake up tomorrow and find this is all an episode of “Newhart”, are we?

The Cincinnati Enquirer endorsed Mitt Romeny, citing his past moderate record in Massachusettes, saying “Romney as president should stay true to who he is.” Uh, this assumes that at this point Mitt actually KNOWS who he is?”

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Guessing Mitt Romney is not going to take this week to reiterate his GOP debate pledge to shutter FEMA: “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that’s the right direction. And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that’s even better. ”

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One silver lining that many weary Americans are finding from Hurricane Sandy: Both Romney and Obama have cancelled campaign appearances.

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And in New York, the everyone is of course hoping for the best with the storm. On the other hand, Sandy may assure that neither the Yankees nor the Jets are the biggest disaster for October.

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said London, England, is ready for their own professional NFL team. Well, that lets out sending them the Jaguars.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, SF Giants jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 5 Comments

Magic number. One.

October 27, 2012

Wow! Detroit looking like their only hope is to ask President Obama for a bailout.

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Previously undefeated Florida lost today to Georgia in college football. Meaning it’s going to be a really tough job for the BCS to figure out how to put two SEC teams into the national championship.

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Amidst all this worry about Hurricane Sandy: With all the recent statements from male politicians about women’s reproductive rights, any chance this is a case of “God is coming and boy is She Pissed?”

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Assume the Romney campaign is working overtime planning on how to spin any problems that will result from Hurricane Sandy on Obama.

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The Catholic Church in England has asked the Vatican to consider posthumously stripping televison star Sir Jimmy Savile of his Papal knighthood now that child abuse charges have come to light. Would they prefer that the Vatican posthumously declare Savile a priest?

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Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to four years in jail for tax evasion. What, they don’t know about offshore bank accounts in Italy?

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Nice job by commissioner Larry Scott to have added Colorado and Utah to the Pac 10, now 12. Guess the money and adding two cupcakes was really worth messing up everyone’s schedule….

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Sandy jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

Halfway there…

October 26, 2012

And still living on a prayer.

The way this postseason has gone, maybe on the plane ride to Detroit, manager Bruce Bochy should try to convince the SF Giants they are actually DOWN 2 games to 0.

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Well, we now know the answer to the question “What happened to that offensively challenged Giants team that somehow beat the Reds in the NLDS?”. Now on to Comerica Park. Which makes A T and T look like a bandbox.

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Last night’s Giants-Tigers matchup got an 8.8 rating, the 2nd lowest ever for a World Series Game 1. Well, maybe if ESPN and Fox didn’t make the regular series all about the Yankees and Red Sox, fans across the country might have developed an interest in one of these very good and at times fascinating teams.

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A Sacramento TV anchor was on live TV outside of AT&T Park yesterday in San Francisco when he was, shall we say, mistaken for a statue by a seagull. Shame it wasn’t Tim McCarver or Joe Buck.

(my friend Michael M. said that when the guy made it home he was definitely pooped.”

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The New York Yankees once reportedly had their eye on the SF Giants’ Tim Lincecum as a starter. After Wednesday night they may want to sign him to replace Mariano Rivera.

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A Sports Illustrated players poll had Tim Tebow as the most overrated player, with Mark Sanchez second. Once again, many think Tebow has unfairly stolen Sanchez’s spotlight.

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NBA commissioner David Stern is retiring. Many MLB fans wish he’d take Bud Selig with him.

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Amongst the congratulatory Tweets that the Giants’ Pablo Sandoval, who hails from Venezuela, received last night after his 3 home run game was one from Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Well, that ought to dispel San Francisco’s liberal commie-pinko image.

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Taylor Swift, 22, and Conor Kennedy, 18, have broken up. And who saw that coming?

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Colin Powell endorsed President Obama today, adding “I think I’m a Republican of more moderate mold and that’s something of a dying breed, I’m sorry to say…the Republicans I worked for are Reagan, Bush 41, the Howard Bakers of the world, people who were conservative, people who were willing to push their conservative views, but people who recognize that at the end of the day you got to find a basis for compromise. Compromise is how this country runs.”

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After Colin Powell endorsed President Obama, Senator John McCain said: “All I can say is: Gen. Powell, you disappoint us.” Wonder if Powell thought of replying – “Spoken by the guy who gave us Sarah Palin?

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John Sununu suggested Colin Powell’s endorsement of President Obama was motivated by race. So was Sununu’s endorsement of Romney motivated by Mitt’s also being a rich guy who wants to ride on government jets?

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Who says politicians never say anything directly? This from President Obama: “Let me make a very simple proposition: Rape is rape. It is a crime. And so these various distinctions about rape don’t make too much sense to me — don’t make any sense to me.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Colin Powell jokes, Janice Hough, SF Giants, World Series jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Game won.

October 25, 2012

Even Kirk Gibson watching Pablo Sandoval tonight in Game 1 of the World Series had to be saying “”I don’t believe what I just saw.”.

After facing Barry Zito, the Detroit Tigers may protest game 1: They didn’t think it was legal for a non-knuckleball pitcher to throw that slowly.

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But who knew? Barry Zito – RBI machine.

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Gaylord Perry threw out ceremonial first pitch for SF Giants tonight. Wonder how long it took Sergio Romo to wash his hands afterwards?

Moral victory for Jose Valverde: He kept Panda in the park.

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Could it get any better for SF Giants fans? The team is in the World Series, and today comes the rumor from a Southern California radio station that the LA Dodgers are interested in A-Rod.

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Former Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine has now said that David Ortiz sidelined himself in Sept. not because of his Achilles injury, but because he knew the team was out of the playoffs after they traded with the Dodgers. Looking like Boston was out of the playoffs as soon as they signed Bobby V.

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Here we go again. Donald Trump has offered to donate $5 million to charity if President Obama releases his college records and applications and passport records and applications. Really? How about all that money Larry Flynt has offered for Mitt’s tax returns?

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Wonder how much might be donated to charity if Donald Trump would release information on where that furry thing that lives on his head was born?

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President Obama on the Tonight Show about the origins of his problems with Donald Trump: “This all dates back to when we were growing up in Kenya….” (Note to my GOP friends, it was a JOKE.)

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Even Sarah Palin is beginning to think Donald Trump is a media whore.

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My sense is that Ambassador Stevens would be sickened by all this politicizing of his death. But today some conservative media are headlining that the U.S was advised two hours after the attack that an Islamic militant group had claimed credit. Yo, with most attacks SEVERAL groups initially claim credit.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Donald Trump jokes, Pablo Sandoval jokes, SF Giants jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

World serious.

October 24, 2012

Ten top stories on ESPN.com Tuesday morning and one is about baseball – the Red Sox introducing their new manager. What East Coast bias?

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The SF Giants are in the World Series after winning six straight postseason elimination games. Waiting for the t-shirt that says “Giants Baseball 2012 – Fifty Shades of Orange.”

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Another reason baseball is better than football. Today was World Series Media day: Note the word “day” instead of “week”.

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From Marc Ragovin, “Not saying the Cardinals looked flat last night against the Giants, but for a minute there I thought I was watching Obama at the first debate.”

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Eva Longoria and QB Mark Sanchez have apparently ended their relationship. Well, at least unlike the Jets, Eva had enough sense not to sign a longterm contract with him.

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A new ad featuring Natalie Portman for Dior’s Diorshow New Look lash-multiplying mascara has been banned in the U.K for being unrealistic. Uh, anyone actually seen a makeup ad that IS realistic?

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Ann Coulter said after last night’s debate. “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” Jeez, I think Todd Akin does more for the status of women.

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Roger Goodell said that the NFL was considering dropping the Pro Bowl. “That would be a real shame”, said absolutely nobody.

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The Miami Marlins have fired manager Ozzie Guillen. So congrats to all those who had October 23 in the pool.

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To promote their new pan pizza, Domino’s outlets will offer over 500,000 free pizza slices today at lunchtime. Wow, that’s almost 10 pounds of real cheese.

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In Indiana, U.S Senate candidate Richard Mourdock just said he is against abortion in cases of rape because “it is something that God intended to happen.” And somewhere God may be thinking “Are you kidding? I didn’t even intend Richard Mourdock to happen.

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Regarding Tagg Romney’s investment firm having a financial interest in a company that makes voting machines that will be used in Ohio – I actually am not a fan of conspiracy theories. But can you imagine the GOP reaction if say, a Virginia Ohio voting machine company was partly owned by a friend of Obama’s?

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Welcome to the big leagues. UCF appealed their postseason ban for recruiting violations, and the NCAA said they won’t rule until January, so the 5-2 Golden Knights will be bowl eligible in 2012. Thereby assuring all the guilty parties will be long gone when the punishment kicks in.

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From T.C. What’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and Felix Baumgartner? Felix landed on his feet.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, debate jokes, ESPN jokes, Todd Akin jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Only about 100 days…

October 29, 2011

Until pitchers and catchers report.

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Gutsy pitching performance tonight by the St. Louis Cardinals’ ace. Almost expected to see the “Jesus was a Carpenter” signs?

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(Of course, that would be sacrilegious, everyone knows if Jesus was to be reincarnated these days he would be Tim Tebow.)

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So if God really was involved with this World Series, having Josh Hamilton get Texas so close to a championship, and then snatching it away, well all I can say is that He has a really mean sense of humor.

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For the uninitiated: Josh Hamilton said that God told him he was going to hit a home run in game six. But Hamilton added “There was a period at the end of [the sentence]. He didn’t say, ‘You’re going to hit it and you’re going to win. ”

Just a reminder, when you pray, it’s important to be specific.

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World SEEEriEEs?

October 28, 2011

Did I include enough Es?

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Many old-time baseball fans are looking back nostalgically to the days when pitching dominated in the World Series. Like last year.

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Early in the game the only bright spot for Tony LaRussa was knowing that his bullpen phone worked.

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from T.C.”Wow, that was one of the best WS games ever. Tops Kirk Gibson and Buckner. Too bad the StL bullpen had to wait for the results to be phoned in.”

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It really was an amazing World Series game Thursday night, and just imagine how epic it would have been if Jon Miller was still the ESPN radio announcer….. (Dan Shulman wasn’t bad, but still….)

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After both listening to game six in the car, and watching it on television later, I have to hand it to Tim McCarver. He is doing as much as anyone in the game to promote the tradition of baseball on the radio.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry plans to skip future GOP debates. Guess he’s applying the time honored principle: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

October 29 is National Cat Day. Responded most cats “Isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day? Now, before I go back to sleep, where is my dinner?”

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The former president of Facebook, Sean Parker, apparently Tweeted to complain about being a billionaire: “I have a whole new set of problems to deal with now: security, extortion attempts, kidnapping threats, death threats, etc. Life better b4?” Can’t imagine how the super rich get the reputation for being out-of-touch.

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Carson Palmer, when asked about bringing Terrell Owens to Oakland, responded “T.O. and I had a great working relationship…. The problem is that for him to get here there’s not anybody that we could let go,” Well, this was a more diplomatic response than “NFW!!! Are you nuts?”

During a mock debate last week in Philadelphia, the British claimed that the Declaration of Independence was totally illegitimate and illegal. But they added, “it’s all right chaps, we don’t want you back anyway.”

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Kim Kardashian herself is now admitting that there is a lot of stress in her new marriage, especially living with her sister and filming “Kourtney and Kim take New York.” She told “People” that “It’s not ideal because you’re newlyweds and you want privacy.” Uh, honey, if you want privacy here’s a clue, don’t turn your wedding (along with the rest of your life) into a media circus.

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The Dow soared over 300 points Thursday. Out of habit, several of the GOP candidates blamed it on President Obama.

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Exxon Mobil reported quarterly earnings of $10.3 billion on Thursday, a surge of 41% from last year. You know what that means? Gas prices are going up.

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There are rumors that C.C. Sabathia might sign with the Red Sox. Makes sense, with C.C’s size those dugout beers won’t even make a blip on his blood alcohol level.

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A new Time magazine poll shows Hillary Clinton easily beating the major GOP candidates if she somehow could run for President in 2012. Good news for Clinton’s reputation, but with all due respect “None of the above” could handily beat the current GOP field now too.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: game six jokes, GOP primary jokes, Janice Hough, Tim McCarver jokes, Tony LaRussa jokes, World Series jokes

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Raindrops keep falling on my field…

October 27, 2011

Suggestion for Tony LaRussa for Game 6 Bullpen communication in St. Louis – “Carrier Squirrels.”

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Game Six of the World Series was postponed due to rain. Which means Tony LaRussa had plenty of time to run down to the Apple store to get new phones for himself and his bullpen coaches

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If Bud Selig gets his way with the expanded playoffs, rain issues won’t be a problem in future World Series. Snow on the other hand.

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Lindsay Lohan will be posing in Playboy. Most Americans think we’ve already seen too much of her lately.

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Despite police efforts and some stories of violence, “Occupy Oakland” continues to be a magnet for a lot of people. If the crowds continue, Raiders’ management may start trying to sell tickets by referring to their games as “Occupy the Coliseum.”

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Rick Perry told Fox today that if he had made any mistakes thus far in the campaign, it was “probably ever doing one of the” debates. No kidding. Especially considering the “lame-stream” media reported every word he said.

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Herman Cain’s latest commercial shows his campaign manager smoking. Well, Cain is running an unconventional campaign, maybe encouraging smoking is his plan to reduce the number of Americans who end up old enough to depend on social security.

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Chaz Bono was voted off DWTS. He won over many viewers, although many 40 and 50 somethings still remember him as such a cute little blond girl. Of course, music fans of the same age remember Michael Jackson as such a cute little black boy.

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NBA owners and players met again for several hours in hopes of resolving their labor problems. No resolution as yet, but on the bright side, the talks are getting more attention than the first weeks of a normal NBA season.

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How badly do some NFL teams want to get Andrew Luck? Have to wonder if a few of them have already asked Roger Goodell if they can vacate wins because some of their players committed crimes or were ineligible in college?

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Some college teams say they would do anything to get future quarterbacks like Andrew Luck, who went to high school in Texas. But when asked why he chose Stanford, Luck cites a big reason as being strong academics. Responded most SEC teams “Never mind.”

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From Bill Littlejohn: “JaMarcus Russell was quoted as saying ‘I’m not fat, lazy, or a junkie’.All right…who called him a junkie?”

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Sebastian Janikowsi should be healthy again for the Raiders’ next game, so Oakland waived their recently signed backup placekicker Dave Rayner, who they had signed for a one-game fee of $45,000. Since Oakland was shut out, Rayner never kicked the ball after the opening kickoff. The only easier gig in sports might have belonged to the Saints’ punter against the Colts.

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Jon Huntsman told ABC News that Rick Perry’s talking about “birtherism” makes him “cringe.” And that “fringe” issues will drive away the independents. “As a party if we are going to win this election we have to focus on the issues that are germane for the American family – economy, jobs, our position in the world.” No wonder he’s barely registering in the GOP polls – the man is way too articulate and reasonable.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: bullpen phone jokes, Herman Cain jokes, Janice Hough, LaRussa jokes, Lindsay Lohan jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 3 Comments

World semi-Serious.

October 25, 2011

One nice thing about baseball, each day is completely different. The Cardinals scored 16 runs against Texas Saturday, then got shut out Sunday. And game five was close until the eighth. Whereas the Colts could play the Saints every week this year and Indianapolis would probably not come within four touchdowns.

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A two part joke written with my friend Jerry Perisho, his part first:

“Don’t worry NBA fans, you can still see your team’s dancers perform; just bring plenty of $1 bills.”

Mine: But go early to see the Heat cheerleaders, I hear they quit before the night is over.

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Newt Gingrich criticized Mitt Romney and Rick Perry at the last debate saying: “I literally felt like I was the recess monitor on the playground, watching these two kids.” Prompting an immediate demand for an apology, from schoolchildren.

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McDonald’s is bringing back the McRib nationwide through November 14. Now, leaving all the McHeart Attack jokes aside. some complain they shouldn’t call it a “McRib,” when the sandwich has no bones. On the other hand, they do call them “ham” burgers.

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Paul Leka, 68, who wrote the chorus of “Na Na Hey Hey (Kiss Him Goodbye),” reportedly died October 12. Well, I guess we all know what they sang at his funeral..

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NCAA president Mark Emmert said he is supporting a plan to allow student athletes to receive $2,000 a year beyond their scholarships. (The usual scholarships just cover tuition, fees, books, room and board.) While the idea is popular with many athletes, some football players say they don’t know if they can afford the pay cut.

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Oregon’s star CB Cliff Harris was already cited for driving 118 mph on a suspended license in June and joking to an officer who smelled marijuana that “we smoked it all. Today he was cited again for several infractions, including driving on a suspended license and driving without insurance. Maybe it’s true what they say about pot affecting your memory.

You have to wonder, aren’t there any taxis in Eugene? Or fans who could drive a football star around campus?

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And Harris has been suspended, again, from the football team. Meaning he cannot participate even in practices and will miss at least Saturday’s game. Over-under on him being conditionally reinstated November 11? (As November 12 is the Ducks’ game with Stanford.)

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Fun sidelight of watching the World Series – the realization with the Mavericks and Rangers that the Dallas Cowboys are at best the third best professional team in Dallas.

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Theo Epstein visited Wrigley Field for the first time as GM this morning. His first project? Presumably to find and take down that sign that says “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.”

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Watching the stories and gory videos coming out of Libya, must say one thing for the United States. Even allowing for Florida we do have a much more civilized transfer of power.

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Michele Bachmann has said that the gay and lesbian lifestyle amounts to “personal bondage, and personal enslavement.” Her husband Marcus has compared gays to “barbarians” who need to be “disciplined.” You do get the sense both of them have spent too much time in leather shops South of Market in SF

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bachmann jokes, college football jokes, Janice Hough, McRib jokes, Michele Bachmann jokes, NFL jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 6 Comments

A five letter word?

October 20, 2011

Tonight during game one of the World Series, an excited Tim McCarver responded to a seventh-inning strikeout by saying “STRIKE – It’s a five letter word.” And then he proceeded to spell it “S-T-R-I-K-E.”

If “strike” is a five letter word, by that standard so is “stupid.”

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Guess we all know Tim McCarver’s favorite Dylan song: “Love is just a three-letter word.”
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Can’t imagine how baseball players get the reputation for being ignorant.

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And in Redwood City, south of San Francisco, 49ers WR Michael Crabtree was pulled over for allegedly speeding 85 in a 65 zone. And he had problems with his registration and license not being valid in California. Yet Crabtree tweeted yesterday that he missed a flight because the officer was a Raiders fans and thus detained him for 30 minutes.

Can’t imagine how football players get the reputation for being self-centered as well as ignorant.

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The first game of the World Series was played in damp weather in the low 40s with plenty of wind. Or as old-time SF Giants fans remembered- “Just like Summer at Candlestick.”

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So the St. Louis Cardinals, maybe or maybe not aided by playing at home (despite their weaker record), have won game one. If the Yankees had been actually able to navigate the playoffs lately, no doubt folks in New York would have convinced Bud Selig to drop that “All Star win equals home field advantage” idea by now.

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The Boston Red Sox are denying that their pitchers drank beer in the dugout. SF Giants fans are remembering all of Jonathan Sanchez’s “head-case” outings in 2011 and thinking, hmm, maybe he SHOULD have been drinking beer in the dugout.

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The Raiders have now announced that Carson Palmer will start at QB Sunday. Of course, they are playing the Kansas City Chiefs. So maybe Oakland figures this is the football equivalent of a baseball AAA rehab assignment.

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In the Scottish Highlands, British archaeologists have discovered the 1,000-year-old buried body of a Viking warrior. Wonder if they knew he was a Viking because he was wearing a Brett Favre jersey?

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After not mentioning it in recent debates and appearances, Rick Perry now says he wants to get rid of the current U.S. tax structure and change to a flat tax. Guess he wants his tax plan to match his poll numbers.

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President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife Carla had a baby girl last night. The first child born to a French president in recent memory. (That we know of… and to his actual wife.)

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Lindsay Lohan has been found in violation of her probation and was taken into custody. “I am shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

(added my friend Alex Kaseberg, Los Angeles Margarita Machines breathed a collective sigh of relief.)

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Kelsey Grammer said his ex-wife Camille only married him because he was famous. Uh, duh, why else do youngish ex-Playboy models marry middle-aged frumpy looking men? Well, besides money.

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Three LSU football starters were suspended for…. fake marijuana?!! This would have never happened at OSU or Miami. Their boosters pay enough for players to be able to afford the real thing.

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Rumors abound that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are considering divorce, only about two months after their marriage. So it might be looking good for those who had “less than 100 days in the pool.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes, French president wife baby, Red Sox jokes, Tim McCarver jokes, World Series jokes

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The “shake” heard round the world.

October 18, 2011

Okay, most serious football fans weren’t surprised that Jim Harbaugh has already gotten into it with another NFL coach. But 90 percent of those in the pool had Pete Carroll.

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T.C. says “Breaking News: UFC 138 Headliner now changed to Harbaugh vs Schwartz.”

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After the “shake heard round the world”, Jim Harbaugh is now saying that he will personally attempt to get better at the postgame handshake.” But let’s be real here, if he planned these handshakes in the first place, who other than Harbaugh himself thought the 49ers coach would be doing much more than congratulating his opponents.

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So tomorrow it will be the Cardinals vs. the Rangers in the World Series. Well, at least we know the BCS has nothing to do with baseball – otherwise it would be the Phillies against the Yankees in the series. With St. Louis and Texas in something like the Tostitos Tournament.

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How unpopular is Mitt Romney with Tea Party members? Herman Cain is just the latest of several candidates to vault into a tie in the polls for the GOP Presidential nomination. In fact, some dislike Romney so much they may still support Cain after they figure out he’s black.

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The Oakland Raiders, 4-2, are looking for a temporary QB now that Jason Campbell will be sidelined for 6-8 weeks with a broken collarbone. Rumor has it they already sent someone to Hattiesburg, MS to put up a billboard saying “No thanks Brett.”

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A new law in California will require children to be in booster seats until they are 4’9″ or eight years old, whichever comes first. Good thing about that “whichever comes first,” kids like Doug Flutie would be in boosters through high school.

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Okay, so maybe the Cardinal isn’t getting any BCS love, but there are different measures of success. And how’s this one? The Stanford football game Saturday against Washington is SOLD OUT. And tickets are being scalped at twice face value and up on Stubhub.

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Okay, regarding this maybe slightly simplistic 9-9-9 tax plan: So new goods get taxed, and used goods don’t. Well, for starters, that would mean that a buyer of the most basic model 2012 Nissan Versa would pay tax, and a buyer of a 2010 S-Class Mercedes wouldn’t.

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Martin Sheen praised President Obama today and said he’s the “only adult in the room.” Well, if anyone knows about being the only adult in the room, it’s Charlie Sheen’s father.

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Wells Fargo reported third-quarter net income of $4.1 billion, up 21% from a year ago. The bank earned 72 cents a share, although analysts had expected 73 cents. You know what that means… banking fees are going up.

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After an extremely contentious divorce, Frank McCourt got the Dodgers, and his ex-wife Jamie got $130 million. Guess Frank got the short straw.

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Frank and Jamie McCourt have reached a divorce settlement. She gets $130 million, he gets to keep the Dodgers. This is good news, for Giants fans.

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Fans of several lousy NFL teams are now hoping their teams continue to lose in a “Suck For Luck” strategy. Andrew Luck himself was interviewed about the idea, and responded. “I think it’s stupid. Simply put.” Fans of the Dolphins, Rams and Colts responded – “Uh, since you’re supposed to be the smart guy from Stanford, clearly you haven’t seen our current QBs play this year.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 9-9-9 jokes, bank jokes, handshake jokes, Herman Cain jokes, Jim Harbaugh jokes, Romney jokes, World Series jokes

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Now what…

November 4, 2010

Now that the playoffs, World Series and parade are over, Giants fans are being asked “What are you going to do next?” Well, laundry for starters.

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And San Franciscans who miss their near daily dose of torture will now have to wait until the next 49ers game.

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Although they lost the World Series, credit should be given to the Texas Rangers. They played meaningful games longer into the fall than the Cowboys.

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Giants closer Brian Wilson is scheduled to be on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” on Thursday night. Depending how this works out Wilson could be the most famous beard in America, well, other than Katie Holmes.

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There was a huge turnout for the SF Giants’ victory parade on Wednesday, which wasn’t surprising, since the team hadn’t won the World Series since 1954.

Which curiously enough was about the same year Jerry Brown was sworn in for his first term as Governor.

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Meanwhile, some pundits seem surprised that Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina haven’t announced what their future political plans might be. But let’s be fair, a day after the election? Meg and Carly probably haven’t even figured out if they are going to vote next time.

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There is a terrible Chase commercial running these days about a wedding couple in bad, talking about waiting all day for this. “This” being taking pictures of their gift checks with their camera phone, and depositing them in their Chase account.

It’s almost enough to make you miss political commercials.

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Well, now we know that Christine O’Donnell is really not a witch. Because even a mediocre witch should be able to cast a spell to change 50,000 or so votes.

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Carly Fiorina FINALLY conceded the California Senate race this morning, about 12 hours after all major networks called the race. She complained that she “couldn’t overcome the Democrats’ registration advantage.” Wonder how much of that “advantage” is due to the fact that people like Fiorina don’t register to vote until they run for office?

From Marc Ragovin : “Meg Whitman’s new theme song “Can’t buy me gov.”

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So will the documentary about the 2010 campaign season, outside the West, be known as “The Hunt for Red November.”

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In his memoirs, George W. Bush said that, upset with media reports that he was justa puppet, he considered running without Cheney in 2004. But W. he asked permission, Dick just told him no.

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W. also said that the lowest point in his presidency was being criticized by Kanye West (who called him a racist.) So, okay, the former most powerful man in the world doesn’t quite have the maturity of Taylor Swift.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: California election jokes, election jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

They’re over….

November 3, 2010

The 2010 baseball season and the 2010 election.

Despite spending $161 million, including $141 million of her own money, Meg Whitman finally conceded late Tuesday night. She told her supporters that they had been part of something important.

Meg may not be ready to be Governor, but she now might be more than qualified to be GM of the Chicago Cubs. (who spent $161 million, and didn’t even come in second.)

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Congrats to California Governor-elect Jerry Brown, on returning to the office after 28 years. There was just one embarassing moment, when Brown called New York Governor-elect Cuomo and said “Can’t wait to work with you again, Mario.”

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CNN says that Harry Reid’s victory is a testament to his ground game in Nevada. Really? I thought it was a testament to the fact his opponent was a fruitcake.

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And while Democrats and moderates were disappointed with the national results, at least there is one solace – now it’s John Boehner’s turn to herd cats.

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Political newcomer Rick Scott spent $73 million of his own money and won the Governor’s race in Florida. Looks like Meg Whitman, for all her Ebay experience, bid on the wrong state.

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Christine O’Donnell gave a defiant concession speech tonight in Delaware. And then accompanied by her flying monkeys she flew home.

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Back to baseball, commission Bud Selig wants two more teams in the playoffs because he thinks it would be “more fair.”

Translation, ANYTHING to have the Red Sox, Yankees, Dodgers or Cubs have a better chance to get in and boost television ratings.

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The Prop 19 watch party is apparently a calm mellow get-together Tuesday night. Supporters, however, are getting ready for an energetic turnout at the polls on Wednesday.

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Meanwhile on November 2, Jamarcus Russell was working out for the Redskins. Isn’t election day in theory when we kick the bums out of Washington?.

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The Orlando Magic-New York Knicks game was postponed tonight because asbestos fell from the rafters at Madison Square Garden. Normally the only toxic thing at the Garden is the play of the Knicks.

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Great stat from my friend Michael Duca. Pat Burrell has more World Series rings (2) than World Series hits. (1, none this series.).

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This just in from A T and T. Pigs were seen flying around the ballpark.

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Meanwhile in Dallas, they still have the Cowboys.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: election jokes, Jerry Brown jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 4 Comments

We are the champions, of the world….

November 2, 2010

Well, the U.S. and Canada anyway.

SF Giants’ first World Championship in 1954.

Curiously enough, that was Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

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This isn’t like some twisted episode of Dallas, is it? Where we wake up tomorrow and find out it was all a dream.

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Two reasons for folks in Northern California to celebrate. 1 – The Giants just won the World Series. 2. After tomorrow we are DONE with Meg Whitman commercials.

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Jerry Brown, Edgar Renteria. It’s shaping up to be a good November for re-treads.

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Actually the Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954. Coicidentally the same year that Jerry Brown was first eligible for Social Security.

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Brian Wilson quoted as saying that tonight the Giants will celebrate and “get a little weird.” Now, I am a major Brian fan, but in his case, mission already accomplished.-

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Edgar Renteria, a charming man even with limited English. Asked about his World Series home run, he said (Lee) “tried to throw me a cutter and the ball no cut.”

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Interesting, in their interviews, more of the SF Giants thanked the fans than thanked God.

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Fox announcers keep talking about the Giants having not won a World Series since 1954. Or as Cubs fans call it “Only yesterday.”

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Fox executives were unhappy with the low ratings for the World Series. Well, maybe if they ever put anyone but the Yankees and Red Sox on the “Fox Game of the Week” during the regular season, sports fans might be more familiar with, and more interested in watching, the teams that were actually playing.

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Giants Fever is sweeping San Francisco. Some folks who have jumped on the bandwagon were so excited they actually watched some of Monday’s game. –

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Nolan Ryan’s ceremonial first pitch before Game 3 of the World Series was clocked at 68 mph. Which is still almost twice as fast as Tim Wakefield.

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Ironic to see W. in the stands Sunday night. Because the Rangers’ “shock and awe” hitting lineup ran smack into “Operation Bumgarner.

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Another irony, George W. Bush’s dream job was to become Commissioner of baseball. And while I am hardly a W. fan, he does love the game, and knows it pretty well, despite having traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.

But can you imagine how different the world would have been had he gotten that job? Not only would America not have had a Cheney presidency, we wouldn’t have had to deal with Commissioner Bud Selig either.

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After being unloaded by the New England Patriots, Randy Moss was now cut by the Minnesota Vikings after he ripped the team in news conference. At this point another NFL GM would have to be stoned to gather Moss.

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The SF 49ers are a disappointing 2-6. But they have won one more game than the Dallas Cowboys.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bush jokes, Giants jokes, Giants World Series, World Series jokes

Comments: 7 Comments

Halloween destiny?

November 1, 2010

When you think about it, orange and black should rule on Halloween. Go Giants.

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Actually “Day of the Dead” is Monday in Mexico. But it sure described the Rangers’ hitters on Sunday night.

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George H.W. Bush and George Bush came in on a cart to throw out the game four first pitch. From left field. Might be only time in their life they were on the left of anything.

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The only bad part of a glorious night for Madison Bumgarner and Buster Posey? The game got over so late they missed trick or treating.

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Buster Posey says he’s been a “baseball fan since I was little.”

What was that, last week?

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Okay, how bizarre is this? “The Simpsons” and Madison Bumgarner are the same age. Both born in 1989.

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Nothing against “God Bless America.” But requiring it at EVERY 7th inning in the post-season is making me root for the Toronto Blue Jays in 2011.

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Robocalls are stupid at the best of times. Robocalls during the World Series are a good way to get voters to vote against your candidate or cause.

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Remember that story about the construction worker burying a Red Sox jersey in the concrete at Yankee Stadium? (The shirt was found and removed after the story leaked out.)

You have to wonder, who successfully buried what in the concrete at the new Cowboys stadium?

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Today’s sloppy game between the 49ers and Broncos in London did do one thing for British sports fans. Helped convince them that they are right to have soccer as their national sport.

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A quote I remembered watching clips of the Jon Stewart rally, from Lucy Van Pelt of Peanuts. Who knew Charles Schultz might so accurately predict today’s political climate:

“If you can’t be right, be wrong at the top of your voice.”

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The 0-7 Bills have lost their last two games in overtime. Shame they aren’t in the NHL – forcing overtime but losing the game still gets you a point!

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, World Series jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Decisions, decisions.

October 30, 2010

Minnesota coach Brad Childress said he will not decide until Sunday who will be the Vikings starting quarterback. Which means millions of sports fans around the world can now enjoy the delightful idea of Brett Favre thinking “Ah come on, can’t you just make up your mind?”

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It’s only a few days until the election. Christine O’Donnell, however, is not planning to campaign on October 31. Since it’s a religious holiday.

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Houston Texans owner Bob McNair had the team’s locker room searched to make sure no players were using banned PEDs. (performance enhancing drugs.)

Well, at least we know Rangers owner Nolan Ryan won’t be needing to do that for any members of his bullpen.

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In fact, Nolan Ryan will throw out the first pitch for game 3 of the World Series in Texas. And then Rangers coach Ron Washington has asked him to go immediately to the bullpen to be ready to warm up.

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MLB commissioner Bud Selig denied any disappointment with the Giants-Rangers World Series matchup, despite early low ratings. He added “I know FOX was happy and we were happy.” Right, and the performance-enhancing drug era in baseball is over.

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So let’s see, the favorites to play in the World Series were New York and Philadelphia, two major East Coast media markets. With A-Rod, Derek Jeter, Ryan Howard, and Roy Halladay.

And the end result was two teams with few players casual fans outside of SF and Texas recognize, except maybe “the pitcher kid with the hippie hair,” and Josh Hamilton.

So sure, FOX was thrilled. That’s about as likely as after the Series the network’s doing a show on the “major first term accomplishments of Barack Obama.”

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A t-shirt in Texas takes aim at Aubrey Huff’s “rally thong” by proclaiming “In Texas, only the players’ wifes wear thongs.” Well, considering the way the Rangers hit in games one and two, maybe they should consider a “Victoria’s Secret” run.

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There’s no love lost between Sarah Palin and Senator Lisa Murkowski. Said Palin, who said it was “shameful” for Murkowski to run as a write-in candidate. “Let’s call her the candidate for the entitlement party.” Guess Sarah is particularly upset since she’s the chair of that entitlement party.

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In only a few days Americans will finally get a break from political commercials. This break should last until the 2012 commercials start, which should be at least at least a few weeks.

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Roger Goddell said the NFL is seriously considering expanding to Europe. In San Francisco fans are suggesting, why don’t they just keep the 49ers there for a few years?

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Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Brett Favre jokes, Christine O'Donnell jokes, election jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 1 Comment

Kryptonite in the rosin bag?

October 28, 2010

It’s as good an explanation as any for what happened to Cliff Lee of the Rangers Wednesday night.

Not that Tim Lincecum had that great an evening. Whoever said “Nothing beats a pair of aces” forgot to tell Giants and Rangers hitters before World Series game one.

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Cliff Lee came into the 2010 World Series with a 7 and 0 postseason record and a postseason ERA somewhere around 1. And he gave up seven runs, six earned, in four and two-thirds innings.

This was the most disappointing performance out of Texas since …when did the Cowboys play again?

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(Speaking of which, if you go to the Dallasnews.com site, run by Dallas’s top paper, the Dallas Morning News, there are several categories to click on – one is sports, another is Cowboys.)

Or in another vein – Lee’s performance was the most disappointing by a Texan on the national stage since George W. Bush was president.

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Just how odd was tonight? The Giants scored 11 runs tonight. Exactly their total in the four game ALCS in Atlanta.

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And not to say that the aging Vladimir Guerrero looked like he didn’t belong in right field, (two errors), but the idea looked about as logical as using Bengie Molina as a pinch-runner.

And reactions to watching Lincecum might depend on what side you are on for Prop 19 – legalizing marijuana:

Those against it, figured maybe his spacey performance in the first couple innings were a reason to vote no.

Those for it – “hey, thanks to whoever gave Timmy a brownie after the second.”

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Meg Whitman says she is standing by her decision not to pull negative ads. Why stop now? As the polls show, those expensive ads have been working so well for her….

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President Obama said on the Daily Show that his adminstration has done “an awful lot.” Well, however you feel about that statement, they did sure come into a lot of awful.

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Bill Littlejohn, after a Maine Coon Cat named Stewie was measured at 4 feet long and recognized by Guinness as the world’s longest cat: “The previous record was how long it took Terry Bradshaw to spell cat.”

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(And for those who’ve always wondered, or never wondered, about the history Guinness World Book of Records, it DID start out as a way to settle arguments in pubs, in fact, as a giveaway by Guinness Brewery.)

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Cornerback Perrish Cox of the Denver Broncos suffered a blow to the head during the third quarter of the Broncos 59-41 loss to the Raiders, and it completely wiped out his memory of the entire game. Denver fans wish they could say the same thing.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cliff Lee jokes, Cowboys jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

Paul is dead.

October 27, 2010

Paul the (World Cup predicting) octopus has died at the age of 2 1/2. Apparently his last words were “The Giants and the Rangers in the World Series? NFW.”

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And no, Phillies fans aren’t still bitter about their team’s loss, and lack of hitting, in the NLCS. Today an article in Philly.com talked about Cliff Lee, and Philadelphia’s decision not to resign him last year. Said one happy fan “They should have kept him, he could have batted cleanup.”

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A Cleveland radio station hired a witch doctor to perform a pre-season hex ceremony on Lebron James. If the Heat get off to a bad start I can see new career opportunities if this Senate thing doesn’t work out for Christine O’Donnell.

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Not saying that Fox is disappointed with the Rangers vs. Giants World Series and the potential low ratings. But rumor has it the network has offered their affiliates the opportunity to pre-empt the games for “Glee” reruns.

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It’s enough to ALMOST make you feel sorry for the Golden State Warriors, who never get any respect in the San Francisco Bay Area. And this year their home opener? Wednesday, October 27. Nothing else going on in local sports that night….

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At least some good news for the Golden State Warriors as they open the new season. Thanks to the “Fourth and Niners” they are almost guaranteed not to be the sorriest story in Northern California sports.

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from Marc Ragovin:

So the NY Knicks have signed a marketing deal with 1800 Silver Tequila. Hey, the way they play these are gonna be the best shots in Madison Square Garden all season.

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On Wednesday pitcher Cliff Lee will make his second World Series game one start in a row. Last year he started for the Phillies, this year he starts for the Rangers, and next year, many expect him to start for the Yankees.

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SEC family values strike again: On September 14, University of Florida wide receiver Chris Rainey was arrested and charged with aggravated stalking for allegedly sending threatening texts to his girlfriend. Including one that said “Time to die.” This weekend, coach Urban Meyer says Rainey will be reinstated to the team. Hey, it’s a rivalry game with Georgia.

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Lebron James and his pals on the Heat lost their season opener to the Celtics 88-80. That’s really a shame, said absolutely no one outside Miami.

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I suppose Lebron James may have done some good for the league on television this year. As inspired by TC – wonder how many fans will tune into Miami games just because they can’t stand the Heat.

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In fact, it may only be the beginning of the season but the Miami Heat have done something few sports teams have been able to accomplish – become more hated than the Yankees.

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Joe Theismann said that Vikings’ coach Brad Childress should “man up” this weekend, and say, ‘Brett, sit down.’ ” While he’s at it, Childress should also probably say “Brett, put the phone down too.”

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Miami Heat jokes, NBA jokes, Paul the Octopus jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 2 Comments

“Mama, don’t let your babies grow up to be Cowboys.”

October 26, 2010

At least not in Dallas these days.

It’s late October, and the SF Giants and Texas Rangers prepare to meet up in the World Series. After NFL week seven, the SF 49ers and Dallas Cowboys have something in common too – one win each.

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What makes Cowboys fans madder? The fact that Romo hasn’t been that effective and is now out for the season. Or the fact that there is really no way they can blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

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Bad officiating may have cost both the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings wins last weekend. Who do these refs think they are – MLB umpires?

(Actually on a serious note, for fans of instant replay, both mistakes, one on a disputed fumble that the Dolphins appeared to have recovered, and the other on a touchdown the Vikings receiver appeared to have caught, WERE reviewed and were still probably called wrongly. )

Since Benjie Molina played two months with the San Francisco Giants before he was traded to the Texas Rangers, he gets a ring no matter who wins.

Speaking of which, have heard Brett Favre just made another call, to Kobe Bryant for the name of his jeweler.

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Question of the day. If most sports fans agree that “good pitching beats good hitting,” why is everyone so shocked that the Phillies batted .216 in the NLCS?

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A-Rod was apparently been partying with Lebron James down in Miami. Well, makes sense they should be palling around – the Yankees are out and the Heat are playing preseason games. Hard to tell which of them has been more irrelevant this month.

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An article in the Wall Street Journal says that Giants ace Tim Lincecum looks like he is 14 years old. Not true. Lincecum looks like he is 16 at least. Now, catcher Buster Posey, he looks like he is 12.

Only 5 out of 27 picked the Rangers to beat the Rays. However, one of them picked the Rangers not only to win the ALCS but, and believe it or not, picked them to win the WS as well. That person was Amy Nelson. She is either

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About one week before the election. And is anyone else about at the point of saying “I don’t care what party you are from or what cause you are for, if you ‘robocall’ me I am going to vote against you?

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Meg Whitman is warning of dire economic consequences should Californians elect Jerry Brown. Well, there will be one consequence for sure – the state’s media businesses losing over $100 million a year from Meg’s self-funded campaign.

Meg Whitman begins her new ad: “I know many of you see this election as an unhappy choice between a longtime politician with no plan for the future and a billionaire with no government experience,”

And in Nevada with Sharron Angle running against Harry Reid, a lot of folks say to California “we’ll trade you.”

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commie pinko time below.

Carly Fiorina is running a television ad saying “I’m prepared to oppose my party when it’s wrong ad.”

On October 11, 2002, the Senate voted 77-23 to authorize President Bush to attack Iraq. One of those 23 was Barbara Boxer.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Cowboys jokes, Giants jokes, Meg Whitman jokes, World Series jokes

Comments: 8 Comments

Left Coast Sports Babe