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Olympic Clubbed.

June 18, 2012

First the disclaimer, I know the Olympic Club greens are designed to be extremely difficult. But the final round of the U.S. Open is making a lot of the nation’s top golfers look like boozy vacationers on a mini-golf course.

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Not saying the course’s designers were into causing pain, but the video of the tournament may be subtitled “Fifty Shades of Green.”

 

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Watching Webb Simpson accept the trophy this evening in foggy San Francisco, casual golf fans had to be wondering, “Wait a minute, is this the British Open?”

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Earlier in the day at the Open, however, the story was all Woods, as he started with  three bogies and a double bogey through the first five holes. Meaning a possible headline was “Tiger in the Tank.”

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Many are beginning to realize,  Tiger didn’t have such problems putting balls in the hole when he was putting…. oh, anyone reading this doesn’t need me to finish the sentence.

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The unemployment rate in Ohio has  FALLEN for 10th months in a row. And campaigning today in the Buckeye State Mitt Romney said none of this is Obama’s fault.

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You know baby boomers are aging differently than past generations – when you see an advertisement for “Silhouette” by Depends. With the tagline “Looks, Fit & Feels Like Real Underwear” – and a photo of actress Lisa Rinna in a clingy sleeveless black dress.

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Last weekend in Northern California, a two-alarm fire destroyed the Los Altos office of a psychic business. Uh, shouldn’t they have seen that coming?

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The IOC is now investigating allegations that their authorized agents are involved in a black market Olympic ticket scandal. Isn’t that like putting foxes in charge of investigating a theft from the henhouse?

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On “Face the Nation,” Mitt Romney criticized President Obama’s decision to stop deporting some young undocumented immigrants, but three times refused to say if he would overturn it. Really? All Mitt had to do was answer the question, and then say he had changed his mind tomorrow.

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How long until the national media picks up this one. As reported by the SF Chronicle. To settle a lawsuit and keep the America’s Cup, San Francisco has agreed to spend $150,000 to study whether the big racing sailboats will scare birds on the bay.

(as my friend Dave R. says “The answer is yes,  send me my $150,000.”)

 

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Bristol Palin told Sean Hannity this week that someday she might decide to run for office. And a generation of aspiring comics responded “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Father’s Day.

June 16, 2012

Or as they say in the NBA, so many baby mamas, so little time.

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This Father’s Day quote from D’backs manager Kirk Gibson as to why he was missing his son’s high school graduation. “You’re supposed to graduate. His mom and the rest of the family will be there. He’s coming to see me next week.”‘ Hope Gibson remembers this if he’s dying in a hospital some day.

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A Saturday with flashes of brilliance, but ultimately sub-par performances:. Wasn’t that long ago that Tiger Woods and Tim Lincecum would have loved to have been compared to each other.

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Never thought I could hit a shot like Tiger Woods. On the 18th out of the rough today, maybe I could have.  (for those who didn’t see it, the ball went about 6 feet.)

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So quiet during the U.S. Open with all cellphones and cameras banned – the only sounds while golfers are driving and putting come from the birds. Wonder how long it will take someone on the tour to try to ban birds.

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Beau Hossler, 17, is amongst the leaders at the U.S. Open, even though he’s only an amateur and a junior in high school. And across the country other high school juniors are thinking “and we have to compete for college admission with this guy?”

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The Boston Red Sox put Josh Beckett on the 15-day DL with shoulder inflammation. Maybe he misses the conditioning routine of those bent arm beer curls.

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A angry letter in the local Palo Alto paper claimed that Obama’s decision to allow children of illegal immigrants to stay in this country was just a shameless attempt to buy votes, as they would then vote for him to keep their work permits. Uh, one thing – If they are illegals, they can’t vote. –

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That’ll teach them. Two Ohio State players, both projected starters, were arrested for urinating on a building and fleeing police officers. Coach Urban Meyer removed their athletic scholarships for the summer, but has said they can work their way back on scholarship and onto the team in time for the start of season..

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You REALLY cannot make this “stuff” up: Journalist Neil Munro interrupted President Obama yesterday and yelled “What about American workers who are unemployed while you import foreigners? But Munro himself is an Irish citizen holding a green card that allows him to work in the U.S.

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A vendor at the San Diego County fair is now offering deep fried cereal. (Trix, for example.) Well, you’ve got to eat something for breakfast before you start on the deep-fried Twinkies.

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Mitt Romney, average American, now has a personal stake in the London Olympics. Nope, not a relative competing, but Ann’s horse Rafalca (and trainer, Jan Ebeling) have qualified for the U.S. dressage team.

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For those of us whose sons haven’t played Little League for a while. Remember those “inside the park home runs” that didn’t make it out of the infield? http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/mlb-big-league-stew/circus-music-rockies-miscues-turn-miguel-cabrera-grounder-003737569–mlb.html

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Winners and losers and ties, oh my.

June 15, 2012

A second contestant has come forward to alleged that the Miss USA 2012 title was fixed. Really? What do pageant officials think they’re doing…running a boxing match?

 

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So now that the Heat won Thursday and the NBA finals are tied 1-1, basketball fans are excitedly waiting for game three on…. Sunday? And they say baseball is a slow game.

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What’s  David’s Stern’s goal here by extending the  NBA season later and later?   Getting the playoffs to the point that a team’s first round draft pick has a chance to play in the same year’s playoffs?

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Former Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan withdrew his name for Charlotte’s head coaching job, saying “They were wonderful and there were no problems. I just took myself out.” If Sloan really thinks that about the Bobcats, he’s probably not smart enough for the job.

(added Vancouver comic Torbin Rolfsen,  ” He would have faced some tough interview questions, for example: “Are you the man who can lead us to double-digit wins?”) –

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Mitt Romney will make his first non-Fox Sunday talk show appearance this weekend on CBS’s “Face the Nation.” In honor of Mitt’s frequent flexibility on issues, will they temporarily re-title the show “Two Face the Nation?”

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So Tiger Woods shot a -1 during the first round of the U.S. Open. Anyone hear ESPN talk about who’s actually LEADING the Open? Yeah, me neither.

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Matt Cain threw a perfect game against the Astros on a Wednesday night. If the Giants had still been at Candlestick at least 3,000 people would have seen it. –

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A bit inside baseball, but Tuesday night,  the Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hit his first home run of the year.  On Wednesday,  besides his perfect game,  Matt Cain did get a base hit.     From reader Tom Dodd ” I can imagine Bumgarner talking to Matt after the game: “A single? That’s the best you can do?”

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NY Mets manager after R.A. Dickey’s disputed one-hit game earlier Tuesday night: “If anybody deserves a no hitter or a perfect game tonight it was him.” Uh, as it turned out, not exactly.

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Aubrey Huff may have to go on the DL after injuring his knee, when he tried to jump over the dugout railing to join the celebration of Matt Cain’s perfect game. Thereby answering a question for SF Giants fans – “Can a perfect night get any better?”

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Rielle Hunter is starting her book tour next week for “What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me.” Was the timing planned around the Sandusky trial to assure she and John won’t be the most hated persons in America?

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L.A. L.A. land

May 11, 2012

The  Los Angeles Lakers have been pushed to a game 7 by the lowly Denver Nuggets.  Maybe they’re just trying to prove that money and talent are nothing without World Peace.

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Much excitement on ESPN etc that Tiger Woods has made the cut this weekend and will at least finish the Players’ Championship. Wow So finishing is now a goal? Woods has gone from Jack Nicklaus to Danica Patrick.

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Corporations are greedy people example of the day: American Airlines charges extra for “preferred” seat assignments. Fair enough. But on a plane where coach goes back to row 32, the “preferred” seats are EVERY aisle and window as far back as row 25.  –

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Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have announced a concert at Fenway Park on Aug. 14. Well, at least Boston fans can look forward to one guaranteed day in 2012 of cheering for big hits.

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NBC is axing Tina Fey’s “30 Rock” after next season, along with “Parks and Recreation” and “Communities.” Guess the network is looking for new and different ways to be last in the ratings.

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A thought about that Time magazine picture of the mom breastfeeding her 4-year old. While it’s a free country, it might be considered a bit creepy if your kid is old enough to text when he/she wants milk.

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Get out the violins – Josh Beckett in response to criticism of his playing golf on an off-day and then being too sore to pitch: ”We get 18 off days a year, I think we deserve a little bit of time to ourselves.” Well, at least looks like Beckett and the rest of the Red Sox will have another October off.-

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If Beckett makes any more stupid comments,  following the whole beer-fried chicken debacle in 2011, we may see a study checking pitchers for concussions.

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“Angry Birds” has now been downloaded a billion times. Which means a lot more people have used their phones to play the game than actually to call and talk to someone.

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Another thought about Scott Thompson, the Yahoo CEO who blames his phony degree on his resume on some hiring firm: Ever notice how when there are resume “mistakes” they never make the person look less educated or as if he or she went to a lesser school?

 

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Ah commas, another whacky liberal invention. This typo on Mitt Romney’s website about Gun Rights: “As president, Mitt will work to expand and enhance access and opportunities for Americans to hunt, shoot, and protect their families,  homes and property.”

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Many conservatives are saying that President Obama’s statement on gay marriage was politically motivated. Wonder what their explanation is about Mitt Romney speaking at Liberty, a Christian university with a Theology course on “The history, doctrines, and present state of the major cults such as Mormonism, Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventism.”

 

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From Marc Ragovin:  “Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog from “Bronco” to “Bronx,” even though the Jets play in the Jersey Meadowlands. Good to see the cross country move hasn’t affected his accuracy.”

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Can you hear me now?

April 6, 2012

Jim Marshall, known as “The Father of Loud,” for inventing the Marshall amplifiers beloved by rock and roll guitarists, has died at the age of 88. What’s that you say? Can’t hear you……

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Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending “too much time at Harvard.” Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard….and it took him four years. Sounds like he’s picking up Rick Santorum’s disdain for math.

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Not saying Masters’ galleries are white, but they look like they’ve just come from watching a GOP debate.

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Overheard at the Masters – “Is that Tiger’s gallery, or a waitress convention?”

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Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf.

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In a Masters practice round, Martin Kaymar scored a hole in one by skipping it off the pond. It was the most impressive water feat at Augusta since Tiger used to walk on it.

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A Los Angeles area woman was arrested for driving on a freeway while texting and holding her baby daughter in her lap, (along with having a two year old and four year old also in the car with no seat belts or carseats.) Presumably she was also listening to a CD by Britney Spears?

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Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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The Chicago Cubs blew a 1-0 lead in the 8th to lose their opener 2-1 to the Washington Nationals. Is it time to break out the “Wait until 2013” shirts?

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Alex Rodriguez has started posting on Facebook. Presumably A-Rod just found out he could “like” his own posts.

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Hmm, hope no one has an audio tape of our girls Powderpuff Football locker room meeting before the Juniors vs. Seniors game back at Lake Brantley High School in Florida. Remember very clearly the coach’s instructions to us girls playing defense “Explode, penetrate, KILL.”

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Costa Cruise Line says their bookings are up this Easter compared to 2011. Makes some sense I guess, travelers are also flocking to Titanic anniversary cruises.

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Rupert Murdoch’s UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was “in the public interest.” I think I like “I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country” better.

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On the subject of the 49ers’ Kyle Williams “The thing is, he had four concussions, so our biggest thing, was to take him outta the game.” “We were just like ‘We gotta put a hit on that guy.'” Quotes from Bountygate? No, the New York Giants, bragging after their 2011 playoff game when Williams fumbled twice.

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from my friend Gary Bachman: Data from the 1940 US Census has just been released to the public. To give you an indication how long ago that was, Barack Obama wasn’t yet born and Mitt Romney had yet to be built.

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No BFF’s here.

March 26, 2012

Rick Santorum now said Sunday that Mitt Romney is “the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama.” Think the odds on Rick and Mitt being running mates are now officially worse than those of the Cubs winning the World Series.

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A Miss Vancouver finalist hoping to become Miss Universe was disqualified after it was discovered she had been born a boy. Officials say that the rules require a “naturally born female.” This might be the first time “natural” and Miss Universe have been used in the same sentence.

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In a spring training outing today, Barry Zito gave up hits to nine of the 18 hitters he faced in 2 1/3 innings. Yep, it’s only March and Zito looks to be in mid-season form.

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File this under “Irony.” Florida governor Rick Scott, responding to a question about George Zimmerman now fearing for his own safety: Scott stated that there has been no formal request to provide protection, but that “if he feels unsafe, then we’ll make sure nothing happens to him.”

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Tiger Woods got his first PGA tour victory since 2009. And CBS and Masters executives are Tebowing.

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An interactive thought from T.C. “It’s been over 2 years since Tiger ended up on top after a PGA tour event. (Insert punchline here.)

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A new poll shows half of GOP voters wish someone else were running for president. Shocking. 50 percent are actually happy with the choices?

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Even Oregon football players are saying the Baylor basketball uniforms are ugly.

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After two anti-Tebow tweets, New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie now says Tim can help after all. Did he get a message from God, or Jets management?

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Economic stimuli come in all kinds of strange ways.This week has been great for the sales of Etch A Sketch’s and hoodies.

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The Texas Rangers are selling a two-foot long, one-pound hot dog for $26. Isn’t that the regular price for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium?

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Rick Santorum won Louisiana by over 22 points. Does this mean Mitt Romney is thinking, “Darn, I should have had a beignet?

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Overheard at airport, the new name for the merged United-Continental. “Con U.”

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The Supreme Court will hear arguments on Obamacare this week. Got to love it – the fate of the healthcare bill decided by nine men and women who have jobs and benefits for life.

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Highfaluting’ heifers?

February 14, 2012

A Texas high school cheerleader coach was fired after one of the cheerleaders recorded her yelling at the young women “Who do you think you all are? Highfalutin heifers. You just come and go as you please…” “Highfalutin’ heifers?” Heck, I give her points for creative alliteration.

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Fox New’s Liz Trotta, on rapes in the military: “The report says that there has been, since 2006, a 64% increase in violent sexual assaults. Now, what did they expect? These people are in close contact.” Can’t wait to see what Trotta would say if asked about co-ed college dorms.

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Today is Valentine’s Day. All over the NBA players are sending members of their posse out to buy a dozen cards – “To my one and only.”

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Leave what he feels out of this, how stupid is it to say it? Floyd Mayweather just posted: “Jeremy Lin is a good player but all the hype is because he’s Asian. Black players do what he does every night and don’t get the same praise.” Just another piece of evidence that boxers should be required to wear helmets.

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Carmelo Anthony is telling the media that when he returns he can co-exist with Jeremy Lin. These days Knicks fans are more worried whether or not Jeremy Lin can co-exist with him.

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Lin-sanity continues. Have the offensively challenged SF Giants checked on the availability of undrafted former Harvard baseball power hitters.

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Jeremy Lin jerseys are the #1 seller in the NBA right now. How cool is this? And nice for the people making the jerseys to see a name they actually might recognize.

(Bus to hell version of this joke: It’s good for all those Chinese factory workers to have a hero they can actually aspire to grow up to be.)

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So all these folks wondering what Tiger Woods is missing lately…. Well, Phil Mickelson did give much of the credit to his wife.

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David Ortiz and the Red Sox have agreed to a $14.575 million one year contract, up from the $12.6 million Boston had originally offered. Guess the Sox figured, it’s not just his family, Ortiz needs to feed himself.

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Best line from “The Bachelor” tonight: “If only my boyfriend didn’t have five other girlfriends.” If this gal doesn’t win she’s set up for dating a professional athlete. Or becoming the fourth Mrs. Newt Gingrich.

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Some wonder how Mitt Romney can keep it up as the front-runner when nobody seems to actually like him. Wonder how many Bachelor fans are privately referring to him as the Courtney of the Republican party?

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A judge ruled the Jerry Sandusky trial will be in State College. WTF? They stand about as much chance of getting an unbiased jury in his home town as Newt Gingrich has of being picked as Mitt Romney’s running mate.

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Not making this up, from the Rick Santorum website: Extended by Popular Demand….Donate $100 or more, and we will send you an official Rick Santorum For President sweater vest.” (Gray, 100% cotton, made in America.) “Extended by Popular Demand?” That translates to either a- we ordered too many, or b- even Santorum fans don’t want to look THAT dorky.

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So confusing….

February 10, 2012

A picture forwarded by a friend explaining social media:

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Mark Zuckerberg says he inadvertently “liked” Mitt Romney on Facebook. See, this darn thing has become so complicated and convoluted, even its founder gets confused.

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Tiger Woods is back at Pebble Beach. What a week in sports. The most talked about golfer once again is black, and the most talked about NBA player is Asian.

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Anyone on probation is not allowed to possess deadly weapons, but the judge in Barry Bonds’ case is allowing him to keep his baseball bats. As evidence, presumably Bonds referred the judge to the 2011 SF Giants, who showed that their bats couldn’t hurt anyone.

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LSU QB Jordan Jefferson says he believes a major reason the team lost the BCS title game to Alabama 21-0 was the offensive game plan. “Oh stop whining,” said even Giselle Bundchen.

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So who’s going to be the first to do the Dos Equis spoof? “Mitt Romney, the least interesting man in the world.”

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An new study shows a cancer drug has succeeded in reversing early stage Alzheimer’s disease in mice. Which could be very good news in the long run. In the short run, just what we need, smarter mice.

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United and Lufthansa – amongst others – say fuel surcharge is “temporary” and not part of the fare. But on nonrefundable tickets, where the taxes are at least refundable, there is a note – “surcharge will NOT be refunded” if ticket is cancelled. Uh, if you don’t fly, how are you causing them to use fuel?

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Michele Bachmann now says “I was the perfect candidate,” Even Sarah Palin says “This woman is delusional.”
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Jeremy Lin, whose contract with the Knicks was just guaranteed, has apparently been living with his dental student brother. And Jeremy’s been sleeping on the living room couch. Of course, given the rumors about women before his impending divorce, the same probably could have been said at home for Kobe Bryant.

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Let me get this straight, many Americans love Jeremy Lin partly because he graduated from Harvard, but we deride our candidates for the same thing. So we want our NBA stars to be smart but not our Presidents?

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Lebron James and Kendrick Perkins are bickering over James’ tweet about Blake Griffin dunking over Perkins. Kendrick told one reporter “You don’t see Kobe Bryant tweeting, you don’t see Michael Jordan tweeting…” Yeah, but that might be because they are too old to know how.

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Jack in the Box has a bacon milkshake? Who’d a thunk it, someone could make McDonald’s shamrock shake look natural and healthy by comparison.

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From T.C. Tom Brady cancelled playing in the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-AM. Gisele says, you can’t expect my husband to hit the bleeping ball and putt out too!

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What’s in a name?

January 21, 2012

The Cleveland Indians pitcher formerly known as Fausto Carmona apologized for lying about his name and his age. After Leo Nunez of the Marlins was caught doing the same thing. If they are ever traded for each other it could be the first trade solely involving two players to be named later.

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Brilliant analysis from New England Patriots QB Tom Brady on his website, “The team that’s going to win this weekend is the team that plays the best.”

How weird is this NBA season? Tonight the Lakers lost to the Magic, and the Clippers lost to the T’Wolves. And the Clippers’ loss was more surprising.

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Although he hasn’t read it and says he won’t read it, Tiger Woods is already ripping former coach Hank Haney’s upcoming book about him: “I think people understand that this book is about money.” And Tiger’s point is?

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Tiger Woods claims he has not read the upcoming book by his former coach Hank Haney, but he is already criticizing it.

Sort of like those GOP candidates who say they haven’t seen their Super PAC commercials but can describe them word for word.

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So in conservative South Carolina, Mitt Romney may lose to a serial adulterer who told one of his wives he wanted an open marriage. To paraphrase Sally Field, Mitt should be thinking – “You don’t like me, you REALLY don’t like me.”

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Newt Gingrich says he was just misunderstood. He still does mean that marriage is between one man and one woman. He just meant to qualify that with “in bed, at the same time.”

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All this controversy about Gingrich wanting an open marriage. Newt already HAD an open marriage, he just wanted Marianne’s permission.

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The St. Louis Rams have announced they will play a regular season game in London in each of the next three NFL seasons. And from “across the pond” come the cries “Hey mates, haven’t we suffered enough?”

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Only 30 days until pitchers and catchers report. So, okay Cubs fans, time to order those “Countdown to elimination clocks.”

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Newt Gingrich said of our President – “He’s likeable. I would never beat Obama in a personality contest.” Yes, but the scary thing for the GOP…Gingrich does beat Mitt Romney in a personality contest.

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The blond hostess who was seen drinking with the Costa captain the night the ship sank is denying rumors they were romantically involved. She told an Italian paper he always was showing pictures of his daughter and that “A man who wants a lover does not behave like that.”

Uh, not saying the two were or they weren’t involved. But Bill Clinton doted on Chelsea.

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From Michael Hayne: “If Mitt Romney wants to get rid of Newt Gingrich, he just needs to become seriously ill and Newt will leave.”

And from Marc Ragovin, a last word on Tim Tebow.

Here’s a way to describe “passes completed/attempts” in a typical Tebow game: Tim 3:16

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End of the line?

August 13, 2011

Volatile Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano now says he is retiring. He says he wants to spend more time throwing at his family.

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In Iowa, Saturday is the Ames Straw Poll for GOP Presidential candidates. Not really sure on the point of a straw poll -maybe we can say the winner s*cks the most?

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All this fuss about the Iowa straw poll. Is it really a good idea to give that much power in picking a U.S. President to a state where a popular food is deep-fried butter?

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(Thinking back to that line in “Field of Dreams,” – “Is this heaven? No it’s Iowa.” Maybe that deep-fried butter is a way to get to heaven faster.)

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Sarah Palin said she will decide about running for President by September. Sounds reasonable. That gives her plenty of time to drop out halfway through the primaries
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The latest college football realignment rumor is that Florida State will also move to the SEC. Now, I’m not a rules expert, but wouldn’t the Seminoles need to get some approvals from parole officers first?

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Tacky, but… an 18 year old has been kicked off the U.S. Ski Team’s Development squad after he got so drunk (yeah, 18, I know) before a JetBlue flight that he ended up urinating on an 11 year old girl who was also a passenger on the flight. Talk about piss poor judgment.

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Kim Kardashian’s wedding is about one week away. Can someone explain to me why we should care?

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Pittsburgh Pirates came into SF with 10 game losing streak. Florida Marlins had 7 game losing streak. How do you spell relief? G-I-A-N-T-S H-I-T-T-I-N-G.

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Sesame Street producers say Ernie and Bert are “just friends” and there is no need for them to get married. But what of other longtime companions out there? Like Rocky and Bullwinkle….

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So this weekend at the PGA championship will be Tiger-less. For television executives it will go down in recent history as the “cruelest cut.”

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From T.C. that TW logo on Tiger’s hat now equals Train Wreck

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Ah, the generosity of corporations. The price of oil is dropping. So how is Delta Airlines reacting? By announcing a $100 international surcharge on tickets purchased after August 15.

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Here we go again, another Texas Governor running for President. What is that line about “Those who cannot remember the past….?”

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Of course, I’m biased, the only Texas Governor I would have voted for for President was Ann Richards.

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News reports are saying that Michele Bachmann and Tim Pawlenty got into a spirited exchange in the Iowa debate. Surprised Minnesotans think this is the first time they’ve seen “Pawlenty’ and “spirited” in the same sentence.

Lastly, an open note to readers, you are welcome to quote anything I write IF you give attribution – leftcoastsportsbabe.com – or just janice hough. But no fun at all to see verbatim quotes – on Fark.com – for example, as someone else’s work. Not cool either.

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Tiger who?

August 12, 2011

Tiger Woods shot a 77 Thursday and is danger of missing the PGA tournament cut. At this point Tiger’s media attention to success ratio is approaching that of the New York Mets.

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During the PGA first round Thursday, Tiger Woods spent so much time in the sand and the water, his next gig could be an audition for one of those Corona beer on the beach commercials.

NFL league officials say they haven’t yet made a decision on whether former Ohio State QB Terrelle Pryor will be eligible for the supplemental draft. I’m not sure Pryor gets it, he allegedly offered the officials “some really cool Sugar Bowl memorabilia.”

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The latest potential college football conference consolidation may have Texas A & M moving to the SEC. (Southeastern Conference) Well, I guess College Station is kinda sorta Southeast Texas. Well, east anyway. And south of Dallas.

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from Bill Littlejohn regarding the same Texas A & M/SEC rumor: “Aggie enthusiasts are just waiting for ratification of the new SEC booster-player Collective Bargaining Agreement”

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There’s already controversy over the ESPN-owned “Longhorn Network,” which will premiere August 26 with continuous coverages of University of Texas sports. Well, at least the new channel will be more honestly named than ESPN itself, which this time of year is basically the “Yankees-Red Sox Network.”

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Whatever you think of “entitlements,” this week with the stock markets might be a good time to remember George W. Bush wanted to privatize social security.

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Some compare the stock market to a roller coaster. Although stock markets have brakes.

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You really can’t make this stuff up. Mitt Romney, answering a heckler in Iowa. “Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people.” (Well, some of the people anyway.)

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If “corporations are people.” Can I incorporate myself and drive in the carpool lane?

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The PGA tournament first round leader is actually the #2 ranked American golfer in the world. Yeah, I didn’t know his name either.’

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Florida Atlantic (and former Miami) football coach Howard Schnellenberger, 77, has announced he will retire from coaching after this season. Responded Joe Paterno. “So young?”

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In response to a petition urging Bert and Ernie to get married, the Sesame Street producers issued a statement saying “they are just good friends.” Amazed Marcus Bachmann hasn’t issued a followup statement claiming credit

And for anyone who has heard all the “sexist” claims about Michele Bachmann being asked about “submitting to her husband,” there’s a bit of history being left out of some stories.

In 2006, Bachmann said in a speech that her husband Marcus told her “to go and get a post-doctorate degree in tax law.” Which she didn’t particularly want to do, but she was certain God was speaking through her husband.

“Why should I go and do something like that?” she recalled thinking. “But the Lord says, ‘Be submissive wives; you are to be submissive to your husbands.'”

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Wonder if Bachmann will fall back on Newt Gingrich’s line from earlier this year – “Any ad which quotes what I said is a falsehood.”

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Great Scott?

August 8, 2011

Congratulations to Adam Scott on his PGA tour win today with Tiger’s old caddie, Steve Williams. What if a lot of the greatness wasn’t the man swinging the clubs, but the man holding the bag?

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As Berney pointed out could happen yesterday, this win means a bigger payout for Williams than for Woods.

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R.I.P. Mark Hatfield. He was a GOP Senator from Oregon for 30 years (1967-1997. But often took on his own party against the wars in Vietnam and the Persian Gulf. Hard to imagine someone crossing party lines like that today.

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South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia says he “contemplated giving myself a second shot,” by transferring to another school, after his FIFTH suspension at the university. But his teammates convinced him to stay. Another example of the football golden rule. If you have a golden arm, you don’t have to follow the rules.

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Apparently the AFA (American Family Association), the group that sponsored the Rick Perry’s prayer rally, is trying to lead a boycott of Home Depot for contributing to the pro-gay marriage campaign in New York. If I had a handy bone in my body this would get me shopping at Home Depot.

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An offhand thought about the controversy with Tony Bruno’s “illegal alien” comment about San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Ramon Ramirez – How would Bruno have reacted if a San Francisco writer or media type referred to him with a derogatory slur aimed at Italian-Americans?

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David Gergen said today on CNN.com that America needs another leader like Churchill. Maybe, but Churchill was probably both a racist and an alcoholic. He’d never make it through today’s opposition research and media gauntlets.

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Crazy times with the stock market on a roller coaster ride and the U.S. credit rating being downgraded. Fans of consistency can at least take comfort in the knowledge that this weekend both FOX’s MLB Game of the Week and ESPN’s Sunday night Baseball both feature the Red Sox-Yankees.

I am so not a NASCAR fan – but this statement by today’s Sprint winner Brad Keselowski – who drove with a broken leg – was pure class: “I’m no hero. The heroes are the guys that died in Afghanistan this weekend. I’m glad that we could win today, but those are the heroes. I just drive racecars for a living.”

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Deer in the spotlights?

August 7, 2011

So MLB has warned players against using a spray made from deer antlers. So how will they test for it? Play “Bambi” in the clubhouse and see who starts crying uncontrollably?

Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers is 16-5 in 2011 with a 2.30 ERA. With the San Francisco Giants he might be 9-11.

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Phrase I am getting REALLY REALLY tired of hearing on the SF Giants postgame show. “Fill-in-name-of-Giants-pitche​r pitched a great game and didn’t deserve to lose today.”

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Tiger Woods is 13 shots off the lead in his first tournament in months, and the current leader, Adam Scott, is using Steve Williams, the caddie Woods just fired.

If Scott wins, and even if he just comes close but way ahead of Tiger, I’d like to tip my hat to karma. For being a really impressive bitch.

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Brett Favre quashed rumors that he is considering returning to the NFL with the Miami Dolphins, saying he doesn’t have “any interest.” Translation, he is waiting for an offer from a better team.

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This week is the DEF CON convention in Las Vegas. It’s a 15,000-person gathering of computer hackers. Which answers the question – When do Vegas prostitutes take their vacations?

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The Yankees’ C.C. Sabathia has six losses this year, four to Boston. So wonder when C.C will call the Red Sox his daddy?

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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly says he won’t pick his starting quarterback until 10 days before the season opener. Makes sense, that not only gives him time to watch the four contenders in practice, but also means his final choice will have less time to get suspended or arrested.

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Open note to Tony Bruno: I completely understand saying something stupid because you are angry -i.e. SF Giants mgr “Bochy is a coward for having his illegal alien pitcher hit a guy”

But saying “saying I apologize for my comments regarding illegal aliens,but I stand behind my comments that Bochy is a coward, People resorting to name calling are more classless and vile.” Uh,Tony, you could have had us at “I apologize.”

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Tiger Woods struggled again today while playing his first tournament in months. Beginning to wonder -what if illicit sex with random women WAS his performance enhancing drug?
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Texas Governor (and probable presidential candidate) Rick Perry spoke at a prayer meeting and said it was to “rally the nation to a Christian unity.” Now, it’s been a while since I studied history, but wasn’t the point for those on the Mayflower to set sail for religious freedom.

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San Francisco and Philadelphia are waiting for MLB to announce suspensions from last night’s brawl. One person involved who probably will escape suspension – Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens. Because there hasn’t been any evidence he’s been doing anything lately anyway

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NFL – Never Finished (with) Lawyers?

July 22, 2011

Anyone else think this endless NFL negotiation coverage on ESPN is beginning to feel like being at a endless dinner party with a squabbling couple? The argument is no longer interesting and you just want to be done hearing about it.

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Today’s vote by the owners was 31 to 0 with Al Davis abstaining. At least, we think he was abstaining. He may have just been taking a nap.

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A Los Angeles traffic officer has been fired for appearing in uniform in a pornographic film. Insert nightstick joke here.

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According to court filings, Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t want to pay Maria Shriver spousal support. Well, this could make a certain amount of sense – Arnold may have no idea how many child support payments are ahead of him.

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Photos are circulating on the internet of Sarah Palin’s newest daughter-in-law, Britta, at her baby shower. The very pregnant 21 year old woman was married to Palin’s son Track in May. Of this year. Got to love that abstinence-only education.

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A Turkish team has confirmed they have talked with Kobe Bryant’s agent about the Lakers’ star playing in Istanbul if the NBA season is cancelled. Makes sense, Turkey has great jewelry stores.

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In an interview with Fortune magazine, apparently former Harvard President Larry Summers referred to the Winklevoss twins as “a**holes.” Well, it takes one….

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Sarah Palin to the rescue of the mainstream media? Really. She says she wants to “help” them: “I have a journalism degree. That is what I studied. I understand that this cornerstone of our democracy is a free press, is sound journalism. I want to help them build back their reputation and allow Americans to be able to trust what it is that they’re reporting.”

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Meanwhile, from the ridiculous to the sublime as far as quotes:   As compromise becomes a dirty word in Washington, have to wonder if Yeats anticipated this debt ceiling mess – ‘Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.” And then  “the best lack all conviction, while the worst  /Are full of passionate intensity.”

 

Asked whether she still believes homosexuality is a choice, Michele Bachmann responded “I am running for the presidency of the United States. I am not running to be anyone’s judge.” Maybe, but she is running to appoint everyone’s judges.

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Steve Williams told CNN he was disappointed and shocked that he was fired by Tiger Woods, especially “given the fact of my loyalty and the way that I stood by this guy through thick and thin ..And the timing of it is very poor, from my perspective.” Over-under on how long it takes Williams’ book on Tiger to come out?

 

Josh Hamilton will start wearing special sunglasses since he said he learned that blue eyes make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime. Mariners fans are wondering, maybe blue uniforms make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime AND nighttime?

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What we have here are dead sharks….

May 25, 2011

 

Sharks fans may be disappointed but if the Canucks win the Championship at least the Cup will go home to a country where most citizens know icing isn’t just something you put on a cake.

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Can a stanchion get an assist on a game winning goal?

(For anyone who didn’t see the game, the puck bounced off a stanchion, one of the posts between the glass that protects fans from pucks flying out of play, and everyone, including players, thought it was out of play. Except for Bieska of the Canucks, who saw the puck and shot it into the San Jose net.)

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And what invisible hand guided that puck on its way to ending up in the net?  Are we sure Steve Bartman wasn’t somehow involved?

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Tiger Woods’ world golf ranking has fallen from #1 to #12. Although, in a weirdly symbiotic way, his ranking once again matches the number of women most Americans think he is probably sleeping with.

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If there’s a season this year, the NFL is planning to punish teams next season if their players commit multiple flagrant hits that result in fines. The punishment could either be financial or to strip clubs of draft choices. Well, that latter shouldn’t stop the Raiders – they don’t do anything with their draft picks anyway.

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New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon said the team could lose $70 million this season. $70 million? Wow, that’s almost as much as the Yankees pay for a utility infielder.

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So the Big 12 conference, despite being down to 10 teams, will keep its name. Meanwhile, the Big 10, which has had 11 teams, will also keep its name when Nebraska joins this fall. Meanwhile the Atlantic 10 has 14 teams. And we wonder why college football players are bad at math

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Apparently the U.S. Justice Department is ready to go ahead with criminal charges to be filed against former U.S. Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards, for alleged violations of campaign finance laws arising from the cover-up of his affair with his baby mama Rielle Hunter.

And once again, Democrats across America are realizing that there might be a silver lining in the Kerry-Edwards ticket not winning in 2004.

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President Obama’s code name with Scotland Yard for his U.K. visit is apparently
“Chalaque.” It’s a Punjab word that the Daily Mail paper says means “someone too clever for his own good,” or someone “cheeky, crafty and cunning.” Scotland Yard denies the term is perjorative, and said they planned on using it for the previous president, but no one could say it about W with a straight face.

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Meanwhile, in California, depending on where he got the money to pay HIS baby mama, Arnold Schwarzenegger is either watching with some sympathy, or the sense of “Oh Sh*t.”

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Toyota is starting a private social network for its car owners – calling it “Toyota Friend.” So does that mean instead of sending recall notices, they’ll just change your status to “It’s complicated?”

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President Obama and Michelle met Prince William and Kate Middleton today in London, and will spend the night in the same suite that the Duke and Duchess used on their wedding night. Presumably this seemed a better accommodation option than Camilla’s old stable.

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Tacky time, again:

May 13, 2011

Tacky time: Tiger Woods withdrew from the Players Championship today after nine holes. Hmm, had he only stopped after nine holes a few years ago, Tiger’s image and marriage might still be intact.

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About that “good pitching beating good hitting” and “good hitting beating good pitching “stuff: 

The San Francisco Giants scored 18 runs on their entire six game home stand. And won all six games against the Rockies and D’Backs. The San Diego Padres scored 19 runs in their last two games, and split one-one with the Brewers.

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Mitt Romney said in a USA Today editorial that his first act as President would be to get rid of ObamaCare. Actually the simplest way to do that would be to rename the program RomneyCare, because it’s so similar to what Mitt did in Massachusetts.

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Uh, regarding this whole Bin Laden death photos controversy: Does anyone really think the U.S. has the power to get Osama’s family (saying this was a “criminal act”), and Al Qaida (vowing revenge), into this conspiracy? Really, faking a moon landing would be easier.

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Former San Francisco Giant Kevin Frandsen was suspended 50 games for testing positive for a PED. But the drug was Ritalin. Considering that over 100 major leaguers have gotten an ADHD diagnosis to LEGALLY take Ritalin, this may have been less a suspension for performance enhancing than for stupidity.

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The Green Bay Packers say they will retire Brett Favre’s number 4 as soon as they are sure their former quarterback has retired. So expect the ceremony sometime around 2025.

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Is it a requirement to run for President as a Republican in 2012 that you have to have an complicated marital history? Apparently Mitch Daniel’s wife, Cheri, actually left her husband, and her four daughters ages 8 to 14, and married another man in California. She returned after a few years, and remarried Daniel’s in 1997.

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Meghan McCain filmed a skin cancer public service announcement in what she said was a “strapless juicy tube dress.” Although it appears as if she is naked. I think we can get bipartisan agreement on being glad that it was Meghan and not her father doing the ad.

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The top Republican on the Senate Armed Services Committees is insisting that enhanced interrogation techniques were not a factor in the discovery of Osama bin Laden’s whereabouts….  Next let’s see GOP leaders try to discredit John McCain as a biased liberal.

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Returning to the madness.

March 23, 2011

Many thought unheralded VCU shouldn’t have been chosen for the NCAA men’s basketball tournament.   And now even more people think the Rams were a bad pick – they’re called USC, Georgetown and Purdue fans.

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Tiger Woods has a new mobile application called “Tiger Woods: My Swing.” Wonder if it includes the advice, “Your swing will be better if your wife doesn’t catch you swinging?”

Does anyone else find this whole controversy on exactly where and how they give Jared Loughner a sanity test faintly ridiculous? It might affect where Loughner serves his sentence, but how can anyone use the word “sane” for someone who did what he did?

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American Idol ‘Motown Records” night with all these young kids is a little odd. Since many of the contestants are in their teens, they aren’t too familiar with the concept of “Motown.” Heck, they aren’t too familiar with the concept of “Records.”

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So dozens of “experts” have their picks on SI.com, ESPN.com, etc for this weekend’s Sweet Sixteen basketball action. Wonder last week how many of those experts had even two out of three of Richmond, Butler and VCU?

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Another thought on NFL replacement players if it comes to that. What about those being paid but not playing…. could fans see the return of JaMarcus Russell?

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And without knowing how the Barry Bonds perjury trial will come out, there’s one thing that’s pretty certain – there’s no shortage of jerks on both sides of this case.

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While campaigning in Iowa, Michele Bachman referred to judges who overturned the gay marriage law as “black-robed masters,” How come the GOP has such a problem with “activist” judges when they overturn a law conservatives like, but no problem at all if they try to overturn something like Obamacare?

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Police with bomb-sniffing dogs met an arriving Philippine Airlines flight late Tuesday night at San Francisco International Airport but didn’t find any explosives. A spokesman said there had been a threatening phone call saying a bomb was on board. Maybe the caller was referring to an inflight showing of “The Last Airbender?”

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Donald Trump went on “the View” and asked of President Obama, “Why doesn’t he show his birth certificate?… I want him to show his birth certificate!” Is this all part of the Donald’s campaign to show he is kooky enough to run for the GOP nomination?

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Snow place like home.

February 24, 2011

Nonstop headlines and breaking news updates from all the Bay Area media: “San Francisco could get as much as an inch of snow this weekend!” Yeah, this ought to do wonders for our reputation as wimps on the East Coast.

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Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she’s especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her  to visit their teepee.

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The NFL owners and players are still meeting to avert a possible lockout, although no progress has yet been reported, and the players’ group left the talks early today. Which means they missed the catered roasted goose with golden eggs dinner.

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The NFL negotiations have been going on in earnest for seven days.  Okay, I’m not a biblical scholar, but didn’t God create the world in less?

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Tiger Woods was eliminated of the first round of a match play tournament today. Looks like the much vaunted “comeback” is a continuing  “come back to earth.”

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Okay, that was a really nice dunk that Blake Griffin did at the NBA All-Star competition over the car. Now a question – What’s the over-under on cars taken to body shops in the next month with hood damage. (Especially by parents of teenage boys.)

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More about that Caltech basketball win, 46-45 over Occidental. Their last conference win was 26 YEARS ago. The school has won nine Nobel prizes since then….

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Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government- at least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

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President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama’s initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives?

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Pat Boone spoke at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), saying that Hollywood is not all “lefties.” He described himself as an “embedded conservative in La-La Land.” Pat Boone is still in Hollywood?  Really?  Wonder what Starbucks he works at these days?

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From T.C.  And only in LA moment: . Kia supplied the car that Blake Griffin used as a prop in the NBA AllStar weekend Slam Dunk contest. They weren’t too happy when the car was returned and the hubcaps were missing.

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Tiger, tiger…

February 15, 2011

For moments last weekend, Tiger Woods looked like his old self in Dubai. But turns out it was just his spitting image.

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A Los Angeles CBS station says Serene Branson, a reporter who spoke incoherently during a segment on the Grammy Awards, is “feeling fine.” In fact, Ms. Branson now hopes to audition to be a judge on next year’s American Idol.

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You know you’re getting older when your response to some of the Grammy award winners goes from “I don’t really listen to them,” to “Who the heck are they?”

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Justin Bieber’s fans are apparently outraged that their hero didn’t win a Grammy for best new artist. I don’t know, clearly I’m not a teenage girl, but “new?” Doesn’t it seem like Justin has been around for EVER?

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Apparently negotiations between the St. Louis Cardinals and Albert Pujols are not going well as the slugger wants a huge contract. Wonder what number Pujols will wear in pinstripes?

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One good thing about watching the Bachelor on Valentine’s Day: if you’re attached to someone semi-normal it makes them appear better by comparison. And if you’re single, you think, it could be so much worse.

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So today is 106 days since the SF Giants won the World Series. “So days, years, what’s the difference?” responded fans in Chicago.

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So they lost out on Cliff Lee, had Andy Petitte retire, and now the Yankees hear that C.C. Sabathia may exercise his opt-out clausenext year. At this point the New York pitching theme song may be “Another one bites the dust.”

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A San Diego weatherman pled guilty to a lewd act after two witnesses reported seeing him masturbate while watching a woman at a bus stop. 

He originally told police he was “adjusting the window blinds.”  Ladies and gentlemen, I think a new euphemism has been born.

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From Marc Ragovin.

So Yankees fans are worried that CC Sabathia might exercise his opt out clause.  No need for concern. It’s been a long time since CC has exercised anything.

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Numbers game.

December 15, 2010

 The New York Yankees say they are not upset about being spurned by Cliff Lee. In fact they are happily going to move on, and just buy the Phillies.

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But regarding the Cliff Lee signing saga, who knew? On the whole he’d rather be in Philadelphia.

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From Gary Morton: The Yankees haven’t been “whupped” this bad by someone named Lee since Bull Run.

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Brett Favre still isn’t ready to rule out coming back for one more year.  But while Vikings’ fans may have had enough, late night talk show hosts and comedy writers are unianimous in saying he shouldn’t give up on his dream.

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Lies, damn lies and statistics example for the day: With the Phillies signing of Cliff Lee, right now the “average” ERA for starting pitchers next year in the state of Philadelphia looks pretty good. Tell that to Pirates fans.

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Looking ahead? The game currently known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just inked a deal with BYU to play in 2013, assuming the Cougars end up at least a .500 team. The New York Yankees are wondering how much it would cost to make the same arrangement with the 2013 World Series.

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But really, BYU is a basic lock for a 2013 bowl, Hawaii, Army and Navy have similar deals, Ohio State is going to New Orleans because the Sugar Bowl organizers knew from a prior bowl their fans would buy tickets and show up….   As far as rewarding the best competitors these bowls are making “Dancing with the Stars” look good.

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New University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he intends for the Gators to start running a pro-style offense. Makes sense with so many U. of F. players ending up in the NFL. Might as well make the transition a little easier, especially as some of them will no doubt be taking a pay cut.

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NY Jets coach Sal Alosi has been fined $25,000 and suspended without pay for that little sideline incident with the Miami Dolphins player. Which makes this one of the most ill-advised and expensive little trips ever, or at least since Tiger Woods decided to race off heaven-knows-where down his own driveway.

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The Redskins cut punter and holder Hunter Smith, whose inability to catch the ball for the extra point cost Washington a chance to tie the game against Tampa Bay last week. Smith was also the team punter, but his net average was 31st in the NFL.

Okay, you punt for the Redskins and you are nearly the worst in the league?   No excuse.  Or at least it’s not a question of lack of practice.

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Regarding ESPN’s new theory of World, or at least National League, domination:

Roy Halliday is 33,  Cole Hamels is 27, Cliff Lee is 32, and Roy Oswald is 33.

Meanwhile the oldest of the S.F. Giants “big four,” Jonathan Sanchez is 28.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are 26, and Madison Burgarner is 21.

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Mitt Romney now says that American workers should just save money to pay for their own unemployment benefits. And presumably these workers should save enough so they can eat their daily cake too.

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Well, we don’t know how John Boehner will do as Speaker of the House, but we sure know he must never have played baseball.

(Since a few friends never saw “League of their Own” –  as Tom Hanks said, “there’s no crying in baseball.”)

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